Dream Home Cousins

Rick…Mikey Day

Gage… Jake Gyllenhaal

Lillian… Heidi Gardner

Pat… James Austin Johnson

Bea… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with clips of Rick and Gage designing homes]

Male voice: Just a couple of cousins turning houses into dream homes.

Rick and Gage: We’re the dream home cousins.

Rick: My cousin gage and I have been hard at work designing a dream home for Lillian and her quiet milquetoast husband Pat, who’s deeply uncomfortable on camera. And now, we’re ready to show him the plans we drew up.

Gage: For the record. I did most of the drawings.

Rick: Oh, brother.

Gage: Don’t you mean “Oh, cousin?”

[Cut to Rick and Gage with Lillian and Pat]

Rick: Lillian, Pat, you guys ready to see our final design?

Lillian: Yes, I’m so excited.

Rick: Pat?

[Pat is staring awkwardly]

Gage: Now, we all agreed on a design, but you guys threw us a bit of a curveball when Pat informed us that his mother Bea and her 27 year old cat Charles David would also be moving into your house, which required us to change a few things.

Lillian: But it’s still going to be my dream house, right? What we talked about?

Gage: You bet. Just slightly modified. Let’s start with the living room.

Rick: Lillian, you wanted this space to be “An oasis of relaxation.”

Lillian: Oh I love that.

Rick: But Bea wanted this space to be “Where we put my cat’s medical equipment”

Gage: And unfortunately the amount of machinery it takes to keep a 27 year old cat with no kidneys alive really cluttered up the space.

Rick: God, the fucking cat!

Gage: Now for the kitchen, we thought this captured Lillian’s vision of an open concept design.

Lillian: Oh wow.

Gage: And we would have loved to build that. But since Bea is going to be doing most of the cooking–

Bea: All the cooking. Skinny Minnie can’t cook.

Gage: We went with a more closed concept.

Rick: And since Bea is afraid of gas, we swapped the six burner Viking Range for an olive green electric stove and Oster toaster oven, both from Bea’s current home and both manufactured in 1978.

Bea: Back where America still built things.

Lillian: Are you gonna fit for anything I want?

Rick: Now, Lillian, I sense that you’re probably feeling that your vision has been compromised downstairs.

Lillian: Yes.

Rick: But upstairs…

Gage: Has also been compromised. We had to partition the grand staircase to accommodate Charles David’s Motorized Stair chair.

Rick: But good news Lillian, we were able to preserve your yoga studio from our original design.

Lillian: Yay, it’s perfect.

Rick: But it will have to double as the display room for Bea’s collection of wise quackers, large ceramic statues of ducks in 1930 gangster outfits. And with 90 wise quackers to display, the yoga studio will be a little cramped. So what do we think so far?

Bea: I think Skinny Minnie opened her legs and stole my son. I know she took your sweetness before your wedding night.

Lillian: What? You told her that?

Pat: I gave my sweetness.

Lillian: Oh my god.

Gage: Okay. Let’s show you what we came up with for the primary bedroom.

Lillian: Oh, okay. That’s gorgeous.

Gage: And here’s where we landed after talking to Bea. Since this will be her bedroom as well, we’ll swap the king bed for three singles. And since Bea hates large open spaces–

Bea: The devils in the raft.

Gage: Those 15 foot cathedral ceilings will come down to about six feet.

Lillian: You’re 6’1”.

Pat: I’ll crouch.

Rick: But don’t worry, Bea. We made sure there was enough wall space for all the old black and white photographs of your stern looking ancestors.

Bea: That was when men were men.

Rick: And now, drumroll please.

Gage: For the primary bathroom, Lillian wanted windows to take advantage of your beautiful view.

Rick: But Bea was very concerned with peepers invading your privacy which took the bathroom window count down from six to no windows.

Bea: You know perverts and tuggers wanna see me make my dirt.

Lillian: No one wants to see you make your dirt.

Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.

Pat: What? No.

Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.

Pat: What? No.

Lillian: Are you thinking about it?

Rick: When we come back, the upstairs demo begin.

Aidys Dream

Aidy Bryant

Oscar Isaac

Bowen Yang

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Aidy Bryant in her makeup room]

Aidy: Oh, hi. I’m SNL’s Aidy Bryant. You know, over my 10 years on the show, I have played dozens of teachers, principals, mothers, women named Diane, Susan or teacher. I have loved all of these sweet nurturing women. But the show said that if I played 150 of them, then as a reward, I could write a sketch of my own choosing, you know, to show a different side of myself. So tonight, this is that sketch. Enjoy.

[Cut to the sketch. Oscar is being dressed by Bowen and Kyle.]

Oscar: Oh good god, I’m so nervous. I can’t believe she agreed to go on a date with me, a lose and a fool.  How do I look?

Bowen: You look fantastic, so I’m sure she’ll be titillated.

Kyle: But you’re right to be scared. She is the most widely desired woman in the world.

Oscar: Oh, I’m sick. I’m sick with feeling for this woman. [doorbell ringing.] It’s her. Pray for me, boys.

Aidy: Oh, hello. Now, scram, boys, and leave this man to me.

Oscar: Oh, my God. You are so beautiful and sexual. And I can tell your personality is also very good.

Aidy: Oh, God, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a man say that, I’d have so many coins, it’d be annoying.

Oscar: Oh, sensual woman. You make me so horny. I see why they cool you the sexual woman.

[Cut back to Aidy in herm makeup room]

Aidy: So, yes. I lied to Oscar Isaac. I told him I have a famous recurring character on the show called “The Sexual Woman”. Is that a crime?

[Cut to the sketch. Isaac is brushing Aidy’s hair.]

Oscar: I’m the luckiest man on earth to be brushing your hair. Mind if I get a little closer?

Aidy: Oh, sure. Bring your head and body that look like that close to the mine. Whatever. I don’t care.

Oscar: I need you to know, I see you sexually. I don’t see you as someone who would like run a school. I mean, you are the most under 35 person I’ve ever met.

Aidy: Oh, stop it, you flirt.

Oscar: Well, I bet you’re about to do your big catch phrase?

Aidy: Oh, right. Yes. My famous catchphrase, of course. What was it? Yes, here we go. Hey, you, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch.

Oscar: Well, okay.

Aidy: Yes, come on.

[Oscar sits on Aidy’s laps]

Oscar: I must confess I have a big cool boner right now. I sometimes get when I respect someone too much.

[Cut to Aidy in her makeup room]r

Aidy: Now, why did I choose Oscar Isaac for the sketch? No reason. I mean pretty random. Every time I’ve done something romantic on the show, it’s been totally random. Like with Ryan Gosling or Drake. Oh my god. Do I have a pattern of sexual randomness? Well, whatever. You only live once. Now back to the sketch.

[Cut to the sketch. Aidy is eating and Oscar is watching her eat.]

Oscar: Is the food alright? I hope you even like spaghetti.

Aidy: You’re lucky that I do.

Oscar: Oh, dammit! I’m in love with you and it’s killing me.

[Oscar breaks the glass he’s holding]

Aidy: Oh! Yes, to me, this is normal behavior.

Oscar: I wrote a song for you. If that’s okay.

[Oscar starts playing a guitar and sings] [singing] Sexual woman are you from Paris, Dubai or Barcelona.

Aidy: No, I’m from Arizona

Oscar: Sexual woman, I respect you so much
as is demonstrated by my insane Boner.

Aidy: Oh brother, a boner? Well, let me guess. You want to kiss me now?

Oscar: Yes I do. But not yet. You need time to digest all that spaghetti. For now, could we just hug?

Aidy: Good idea. I would have forgotten to digest and I would have regretted it later.

Oscar: What they say about who was true. You are everyone’s cup of tea. Including me, Oscar Isaac. [Oscar looks at the cue card with suspiciously]

Aidy: Oh, I know, Oscar Isaac.

Oscar: [breaking the character] Sorry. I’m sorry. It says my real name on the cards. Is that a mistake?

Aidy: I don’t know. I guess the writers are so annoying and stupid. I would say, I guess just go with it.

Oscar: Okay, all right. Yes. [gets into the character] Then let’s get my fat ass on your lap.

Aidy: Yes!

Male voice: The Sexual Woman. Hey, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch.


The Dream Guy

Rochelle… Kim Kardashian

Host… Alex Moffat

Chace Crawford

Tyler Cameron

Blake Griffin

Chris Rock

Amy Schumer

Jesse Williams

John Cena

Zeke… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: One mansion full of cool single guys and one eligible lady hoping to find her very own, the dream guy.

[Cut to Rochelle and Host at the show stage]

Host: Welcome back. Rochelle, you’ve had a week full of exciting dates with the guys. But now, it’s time to make a decision. Whenever you’re ready.

Rochelle: Wow. In front of me are some of the best guys I’ve ever met my whole life. I mean, you are all so amazing. [cheers and applause] When I look at you all here, there is no doubt in my mind that my husband is in this room. In fact, I wish I can marry each and every one of you, but that would be way too many husbands. When I call your name, please step forward and accept your token. First up, Chase C.

[Chace Crawford walks forward] [cheers and applause]

Chace, I had so much fun at the Go Cart track with you. Thank you for telling me all about your gigantic hit show Gossip Girl.

Chace Crawford: My pleasure, Rochelle.

Rochelle: Do you accept this token of my love?

Chace Crawford: Sure, thank you. I’m also on “The Boys”, FYI. Okay, bye.

[Chace Crawford walks out]

Rochelle: Next up, Tyler C.

[Tyler Cameron walks forward]

Tyler, thank you so much for showing me your perfectly hot body. That was really vulnerable of you. Do you accept this token?

Tyler Cameron: I do, Rochelle. Thank you. I’ll see you on the hot tub.

[Tyler Cameron walks out]

Rochelle: Power forward for the Brooklyn Nets, Blake G.

[Blake Griffin walks forward]

Blake G., I’m gonna be honest, your behavior at the luau barbecue was inexcusable.

Blake Griffin: Yep, you’re right. It was.

Rochelle: But you’re also a six time NBA All Star and that intrigues me. Do you accept this token?

Blake Griffin: Yeah, absolutely, Rochelle. And you know what? I’ll work on that.

Rochelle: Thank you.

Blake Griffin: Thank you.

[Blake Griffin walks out]

Zeke: [shouting] Way go, Blake! Way go, Blake!

Rochelle: Next up, Chris R.

[Chris Rock walks forward]

Chris R., thank you for making me watch your nine HBO specials and the new one on Netflix while you sat next to me and you mouthed all of the words. I had a blast.

Chris Rock: We can watch Chappelle next time.

Rochelle: Thanks. Do you accept this token?

Chris Rock: You know I do.

[Chris Rock walks out]

Rochelle: Okay, this might be against the rules, but I’ve really connected with one of the producers on the show. Amy S.

[Amy Schumer walks forward]

Amy S., even though I’ve never dated a woman before, I just feel like there’s something that–

Amy Schumer: [taking her fingers to Rochelle’s mouth] No, shh. Shh. I feel the same.

Rochelle: Do you accept this token?

Amy Schumer: With both of my holes.

[Amy Schumer walks out]

Rochelle: Okay guys, this is where it gets really, really hard. Jesse W.

[Jesse Williams walks forward]

Jesse W., I didn’t talk to you one single time this entire week, but you literally are the most attractive human I’ve ever seen. So, will you accept this token?

Jesse Williams: Oh, I do. [looks back at the two gentlemen left] You guys are my best friends.

Zeke: You’re the man, Jesse! Yeah!

[Jesse Williams walks out] [Host walks in]

Host: Alright, Rochelle. You have one token remaining. It’s down to record breaking WWE superstar John Cena or Zeke. Whenever you’re ready.

Rochelle: Okay, I’m sorry guys. I just need a second.

John Cena: It’s okay.

Zeke: Take your time. Take your time, sweetheart. All good. Take your time.

Rochelle: Okay. Okay. You are both amazing. I mean, John C., you’re kind, considerate, mega jacked and very, very rich.

John Cena: Thank you.

Rochelle: And Zeke, although you’re not my normal type physically…

Zeke: Hmm, okay.

Rochelle: I was really attracted to your silly vibe and your sunny demeanor. I mean, I particularly enjoyed meeting your original character Sherlock the Cat who was hilarious.

Zeke: Elementary, my dear fur ball.

Rochelle: That being said, I don’t think you asked one single question about me our entire date.

Zeke: You sure?

Rochelle: And then at the pool, you were afraid to go swimming.

Zeke: I wouldn’t say afraid. But yea, scared.

Rochelle: And John C., I don’t love that you have a wife.

John Cena: That’s fair. That’s very fair.

Rochelle: But now, I have to make a decision. Zeke or movie star and 16 time WWE champion John Cena. I’m just gonna follow my heart. John Cena.

Zeke: Wait, what?

John Cena: Thank you.

Rochelle: John C., I’m really gonna need you to figure out your wife situation. But first, do you accept this token?

Zeke: [yelling] This is crap!

John Cena: Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. Thank you. I really thought it was gonna be Zeke.

Host: Sorry, Zeke. You did not receive tonight’s token. Say your goodbyes and walk into the pit.

Zeke: Wow. Um, this one hurts. I’ll definitely miss being in the house with the guys… and Amy Schumer. And Rochelle, you’re a sweetheart. But you really F’ed up today. So long.

Host: Thank you, Zeke. Pit’s right there.

[Zeke opens the door. It’s a real pit. He jumps into it and burns.]

Host: Well, Zeke lost fair and square and paid for it with his life. We’ll be right back with more “The Dream Guy”.