Rick…Mikey Day
Gage… Jake Gyllenhaal
Lillian… Heidi Gardner
Pat… James Austin Johnson
Bea… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with clips of Rick and Gage designing homes]Male voice: Just a couple of cousins turning houses into dream homes.
Rick and Gage: We’re the dream home cousins.
Rick: My cousin gage and I have been hard at work designing a dream home for Lillian and her quiet milquetoast husband Pat, who’s deeply uncomfortable on camera. And now, we’re ready to show him the plans we drew up.
Gage: For the record. I did most of the drawings.
Rick: Oh, brother.
Gage: Don’t you mean “Oh, cousin?”
[Cut to Rick and Gage with Lillian and Pat]Rick: Lillian, Pat, you guys ready to see our final design?
Lillian: Yes, I’m so excited.
Rick: Pat?
[Pat is staring awkwardly]Gage: Now, we all agreed on a design, but you guys threw us a bit of a curveball when Pat informed us that his mother Bea and her 27 year old cat Charles David would also be moving into your house, which required us to change a few things.
Lillian: But it’s still going to be my dream house, right? What we talked about?
Gage: You bet. Just slightly modified. Let’s start with the living room.
Rick: Lillian, you wanted this space to be “An oasis of relaxation.”
Lillian: Oh I love that.
Rick: But Bea wanted this space to be “Where we put my cat’s medical equipment”
Gage: And unfortunately the amount of machinery it takes to keep a 27 year old cat with no kidneys alive really cluttered up the space.
Rick: God, the fucking cat!
Gage: Now for the kitchen, we thought this captured Lillian’s vision of an open concept design.
Lillian: Oh wow.
Gage: And we would have loved to build that. But since Bea is going to be doing most of the cooking–
Bea: All the cooking. Skinny Minnie can’t cook.
Gage: We went with a more closed concept.
Rick: And since Bea is afraid of gas, we swapped the six burner Viking Range for an olive green electric stove and Oster toaster oven, both from Bea’s current home and both manufactured in 1978.
Bea: Back where America still built things.
Lillian: Are you gonna fit for anything I want?
Rick: Now, Lillian, I sense that you’re probably feeling that your vision has been compromised downstairs.
Lillian: Yes.
Rick: But upstairs…
Gage: Has also been compromised. We had to partition the grand staircase to accommodate Charles David’s Motorized Stair chair.
Rick: But good news Lillian, we were able to preserve your yoga studio from our original design.
Lillian: Yay, it’s perfect.
Rick: But it will have to double as the display room for Bea’s collection of wise quackers, large ceramic statues of ducks in 1930 gangster outfits. And with 90 wise quackers to display, the yoga studio will be a little cramped. So what do we think so far?
Bea: I think Skinny Minnie opened her legs and stole my son. I know she took your sweetness before your wedding night.
Lillian: What? You told her that?
Pat: I gave my sweetness.
Lillian: Oh my god.
Gage: Okay. Let’s show you what we came up with for the primary bedroom.
Lillian: Oh, okay. That’s gorgeous.
Gage: And here’s where we landed after talking to Bea. Since this will be her bedroom as well, we’ll swap the king bed for three singles. And since Bea hates large open spaces–
Bea: The devils in the raft.
Gage: Those 15 foot cathedral ceilings will come down to about six feet.
Lillian: You’re 6’1”.
Pat: I’ll crouch.
Rick: But don’t worry, Bea. We made sure there was enough wall space for all the old black and white photographs of your stern looking ancestors.
Bea: That was when men were men.
Rick: And now, drumroll please.
Gage: For the primary bathroom, Lillian wanted windows to take advantage of your beautiful view.
Rick: But Bea was very concerned with peepers invading your privacy which took the bathroom window count down from six to no windows.
Bea: You know perverts and tuggers wanna see me make my dirt.
Lillian: No one wants to see you make your dirt.
Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.
Pat: What? No.
Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.
Pat: What? No.
Lillian: Are you thinking about it?
Rick: When we come back, the upstairs demo begin.