Drill Sergeant… Beck Bennett
Soldier Larson… Mikey Day
Colonel Larson… Alec Baldwin
Mom… Aidy Bryant[Starts with Drill Sergeant preparing his soldiers for inspection]
Drill Sergeant: Big day, C Company. Colonel Larson is on base for inspections. so you maggots better look alive. That includes you, Larson. You think just because your dad is a colonel, you can get away with a bed corner like that?
Larson: No drill sergeant!
Drill Sergeant: You are damn, right, Larson. No one gets a free pass here. No matter who your daddy is. Do I make myself clear?
Soldiers: Yes, drill sergeant.
Drill Sergeant: Attention. [Colonel walks in] Colonel larson in the bunk.
Colonel: Well, the infamous C Company. There is a rumor going around that you are the sorriest, laziest group of recruits on the base and I started that rumor. Gizmo course time, horrendous target mark, and an attitude that stinks worse than the outhouse in a chili cookout. Chilly cook out on that, dammit? [yelling at Alex’s ears] Chilly cook out, I said! Not a single one of you is fit to be a soldier in my army. [to his son] God, you look so handsome in the uniform, son. I’m so proud of you.
Larson: Dad, stop.
Drill Sergeant: Sir, I apologize for the state of my recruits.
Colonel: Not your fault, sergeant! It’s theirs. [yelling] These sacks of dog crap came here to become lean, mean, fighting machines. But all I see is scared littler girls. Scared little girls. And no one, not one is a brave man. [to his son] Except you. You’re my brave little man.
Larson: Dad, I beg you to stop.
Colonel: [yelling] Now you maggots drop and do pushups until you puke blood, you hear me?
Soldier: Sir, yes sir![All the soldiers start their pushups]
One, two, three, four, five, six…[Colonel is shaking a paper fan for his son]
Larson: I don’t need that .Dad stop.
Colonel: [yelling] Alright, on your feet. [Soldiers stand] You call them pushups? What’s wrong with you? You got a wand up your ass, Harry Potter?
Peter: Sir, no sir.[Larson laughs]
Colonel: Who the hell just laughed? Well, well, well. A couple of jokers laughing it up. [to Alex] You two friends or something?
Alex: Sir, yes sir.
Colonel: So is making friends okay?
Alex: Yes, yes, sir.
Colonel: [asking about his son] He’s not doing his shy thing where he’s quiet in big groups?
Alex: Sir, no sir.
Alex: He’s adjusting great.
Colonel: Fantastic. Now what was your time on the rope course, princess?
Alex: 2.13, sir.
Colonel: Pathetic. [walks to Peter] And you, four eyes, what is your marksmanship grades?
Peter: Satisfactory sir!
Colonel: Pitiful! Larson, I hear you have a birth date coming up and your mothe wants to know where you want to have your dinner!
Larson: Sir, cheesecake factory, sir!
Colonel: Excellent choice. Huge menu, something for everyone, well done, Larson. God, I can’t believe you’re turning 21, son. Remember that song they used to sing to you during bath time? Remember?[singing] Don’t go peepee in the bathtub
coz peepee goes in the…
Drill Sergeant: Sir, to teach them some discipline, I believe C Company should do double PT and train duty until further notice.
Colonel: That’s a start. But I don’t think any of these soft bodies could be like my father. [yelling] He was a real soldier. Something none of you maggots have a prayer of becoming. [to Larson] Even though you look exactly like him in that uniform. [sobbing]
Drill Sergeant: Um, yeah. So, C Company, take a lap around the base perimeter and think about if you really want to be here. Go! Go! Go! Go![The soldiers start jogging]
Colonel: Larson! Wait! My commanding officer wants to have a word with you.
Colonel: Yes. So look sharp. Aten-hut![Larson’s mother walks in]
Mother: Aw, my little baby looks so handsome.
Larson: Hey, om.
Colonel: And he made a friend.
Mother: Okay, hey, Mr. Popular.