Tag: Drunk

Weekend Update- Drunk Uncle on Why He Hates Halloween

Colin Jost

Drunk Uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s almost Halloween. And families around the country are getting ready for parties and trick or treating. Here with his thoughts is our own drunk uncle.

[Michael Che slides in. He’s drunk.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: This is Halloween. This is Halloween. Halloween, Halloween, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Happy Halloween, everybody. I’m sorry, you can’t you can’t even say it’s All Hallows Eve anymore. You gotta call it All Hallows Steve.

Colin Jost: I don’t think you do. Drunk Uncle, are you ready for Halloween?

Michael Che: Halloween is for socialism, Colin. These kids today, they don’t even work hard jobs no more. You know? When I was a kid, we were shoeshine shimmy sweeps extra extra paper boys. You know? Nowadays, it’s just, “Excuse me. Can you Instacart me some mochi?” What? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Can you Minecraft my Metaverse please? No, you be real.

Colin Jost: All right. Well I guess you’re not excited for Halloween.

Michael Che: Tom was too good for Dizelle.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. What do you mean?

Michael Che: TikTok dance. TikTok dance. Okie dokie. You like it.

Colin Jost: I do. I do.

Michael Che: [yelling] The whole country is falling apart, Colin. Okay? Everybody’s quiet quitting now.

Colin Jost: Quiet quitting?

Michael Che: They’re quiet quitting. Excuse me. Okay. They’re quiet quitting. Excuse me. Quit. We used to quit loud because they hired a lady manager and we were scared. And also a few a couple of those immigrantes Illegados, if you know what I mean. Do you know?

Colin Jost: I think I know.

Michael Che: It’s me, Chris Pratt. Burf. Not my Mario.

[Michael Che falls asleep]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle?

Michael Che: Yes, I was here on January 6.

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: [singing] Take me home tonight, I don’t wanna bep bep bep be. [starts crying]

Colin Jost: Oh, drunk uncle.

Michael Che: Wild wild crocodile, okay? So I didn’t graduate from an elementary, okay? So I’ll never be beyond burgers, okay? Never. Big magma guilty of water Pounder with Cheese Malaya fishy hamburger with cheese burger, a happy meal. JFK blown away. What else do I have to say? That’s not me.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I don’t think that’s anyone.

Michael Che: Donda?

Colin Jost: No.

Michael Che: Donda? Donda?

Colin Jost: You don’t have to talk about Kanye.

Michael Che: Yes, I most certainly do, Colin. Okay? I’ve been listening to a whole lot of what he has to say.

Colin Jost: Oh, no.

Michael Che: Okay? And guess what? I think he might be crazy. That kind of talk doesn’t fly anymore. I learned a lot. I learned a lot during the pandemic more. Okay. I did the work. I know that Back Adams manner. Okay? I saw bros in theaters pal. Okay? And no homo? It was great. Okay, I said it before and I’ll say it again. Gay guys are still funnier than women.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right.

Michael Che: [knocking Colin’s forehead] Knock knock.

Colin Jost: Who’s there?

Michael Che: Elon?

Colin Jost: Elon who?

Michael Che: I don’t know. But he just made me CEO of Twitter.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

 

Weekend Update Drunk Tom Brady on Super Bowl LV

Michael Che

Tom Brady… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael che in his set]

Michael che: This week the Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Kansas city Chiefs and became Super Bowl champions. Tom Brady won his 7th Super Bowl and took on his fifth Super Bowl MVP award. Needless to say he’s been having a good time celebrating. Here to comment is drunk Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady slides in]

Tom Brady: Brady! Brady! Brady! What’s up, Michael? Seven Super Bowl. What? That’s insane.

Michael che: Wow, you seem to be having a good time. This is a new side of Tom Brady.

Tom Brady: Dud! It’s coz I’ve been Tampin out. I’m a Florida, baby. Yeah. They got boat parades in water and sunshine and girls wearing these little bikinis. I’m not stuck in a freezer cold in Boston with the pilgrims and old man Belichick. Hear that, Bill? You’re not my dad anymore.

Michael che: You alright, Tom?

Tom Brady: Oh yeah, man. Life’s good. I’m my own man now. I’m free to go day drinking on my new boat and toss the lombardi trophy around without a care in the world.

Michael che: Yeah. I saw you throwing the Super Bowl trophy from one boat to another.

Tom Brady: Oh, yeah. That was awesome. I’ve been bringing this bad boy around me pretty much everywhere. [pulls out the trophy. The trophy is worn and torn.] Yeah, this is a little banged up but she still works. [opens a beer bottle with the trophy] Like that. Oops. Ha-ha-ha. It works so it cracked it right open. This stuff is good. I’m finally going around with thsi stuff.

Michael che: There may be some glass in there.

Tom Brady: Yeah, maybe. If you were surprised I would toss this bad boy around, but the trophy has got a football on it. And I’m a quarterback. So, it makes sense. Ha-ha. What else am I going to do? Punt it?

Michael che: Yeah. I don’t know bout that.

Tom Brady: Another trophy.

Michael che: Are you alright, Tom?

Tom Brady: I don’t know. I just won the Super Bowl. Probably going to win another one next year too. My problem is nobody likes me.

Michael che: No. Tom, man.

Tom Brady: I don’t know what I did so wrong. All I did was go out and win Super Bowl. I keep thinking that maybe one more trophy and people are gonna like me. No. Don’t talk about the wins. They just talk about how I kiss my son.

Michael che: Hey, look man, I get it. You know. You’ve had a lot of haters but don’t let them bring you down.

Tom Brady: Dude, I’m messing with you, Che. Ha-ha-ha. I don’t care. People can say whatever they want. I’m the best damn quarterback ever. I feel great. My wife is just Gisele. I only feel good.

Michael che: Drunk Tom Brady, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.