Tag: drunk uncle

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle

Colin Jost

Drunk uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it has been a wild year here. And here with his thoughts on the past year and the years ahead is drunk uncle.

[Drunk Uncle slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Drunk Uncle: Woo-hoo-hoo. Hello! Season 42, baby! Make America drunk again! Wheee! What’s up, Colin? Come on, man! Pound it out.

[gives his fist to pound]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Whites!

Colin Jost: Wait! No, that’s not–

Drunk Uncle: Down south? [gives his hand to tap]

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Send the black there.

Colin Jost: No, that’s not– So drunk uncle, how have you been?

Drunk Uncle: How have I been? Amazing! Baby! President Trump! Finally, a white guy has a chance to make America great again. You know? Because Trumpy, oh, that little Trumpy, he’s putting America back to worm again, Colin. You know? Um, these kids today, they don’t even have summer jobs anymore. You know? When I was twelve years old, I was life guard, waiter, book store/zoo keeper, exterminator, mall Santa.’

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You said you were a mall Santa in the summer?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: What? I mean I asked people to sit on my lap. So, kind of. You know? And all these kids these days, all they care about is, “Can you Venmo me a face app?” “Excuse me! Is this pomegranate gender fluid?” Bleh! Here’s an Instagram story, go to church!

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle! This is–

Drunk Uncle: [yelling] Yeah! I thought La-La-Land should have won. Why is everybody so sensitive now-a-days? [Cut to Drunk Uncle] You can’t even call it Nintendo Switch anymore. You gotta call her Katelyn.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle!

Drunk Uncle: Are these– We have the meats–

Colin Jost: What?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

[Drunk Uncle starts revolving on the chair]

Drunk Uncle: Fidget spinner. Fidget spinner. Fidget spinner. [laughing] You know, one time, I asked a fidget to spin and she said the correct term is little person. Ghostbusters should be men!

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. Drunk uncle–

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: [singing] Never gonna give you up
never gonna let you down
never gonna [singing gibberish]

[Drunk Uncle starts crying]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no. Drunk uncle.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: So I’m not Baywatch beach body, okay? So I am not Groot, okay? So I’m not a Fast a Furious, okay? Vroom! Vroom! That’s not me.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s not anyone.

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle!

Drunk Uncle: Shh! [Drunk Uncle is poking Colin Jost’s mouth]

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes, it’s in there. Yes. Fully in my mouth.

Drunk Uncle: You’re my best friend.

Colin Jost: Oh. That’s insane. Best friend?

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Do a shot with me. Do a shot with me.

Colin Jost: Do  as hot with you?

Drunk Uncle: Come on! One for the road, please? Just do one shot.

Colin Jost: But I can’t. I’m here–

Drunk Uncle: Do one shot with me, right? Come on! [cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Drunk Uncle: Okay?

Colin Jost: Alright? For you, I’ll do one shot.

Drunk Uncle: Okay, you first. [Drunk Uncle pulls out a gun] There’s one empty chamber and five bullets.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle is Trump Supporter

Colin Jost

Drunk uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump remains the front runner for the republican nomination. Here to comment is someone who claims to be Trump’s number one fan, Drunk Uncle.

[Drunk uncle slides in]

Drunk uncle: Hey! Hey!

Colin Jost: Wow, drunk uncle. You seem happier than usual.

Drunk uncle: It’s Trump time, baby! [Cut to Drunk uncle] Finally Colin, someone is saying that things that I have been thinking as well as saying. I mean, it’s like I’m running for president. [Colin Jost laughing] you know? It’s like, we have a million things in common. You know? We both look like Russians. [Michael Che laughing] That’s one. His dad gave him $1 million loan, I told my dad I love him and he told me leave him alone. So, that’s two. And his wife’s name is Melania and my doctor said, “That’s what this mole is.”

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, I think you should really get that taken care of.

Drunk uncle: And let Obamacare win? Barf! Not on my swatch. These kids today– These kids today, they don’t even vote anymore, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle]

Colin Jost: They don’t what?

Drunk uncle: [yelling] They don’t even vote anymore, Colin. Open your ears. [Michael Che laughing] All they care about is, “Can I eat my flaxseeds on my hoverboard?” “I’m sorry. Excuse me, is this Apple watch gender neutral?” Her name is Bruce.

[singing] This is how we do it.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay drunk uncle, what specifically do you like about Trump?

Drunk uncle: I don’t just like him, Colin. I love him. He’s gonna make America great again. I mean, he’s got it all, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle] He’s got everything. He’s got money, women, TV shows, plaza, miss America, orange hair. [Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost] He’s perfect. He’s like a big old beautiful monopoly man.

Colin Jost: Okay. And what are your thoughts about Ben Carson?

Drunk uncle: I don’t want to talk about it.

Colin Jost: Okay, why is that?

Drunk uncle: Colin, please. He’s right there!

[Cut to Michael Che looking confused]

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. I hesitate to ask but what about Hillary Clinton?

[Drunk uncle breaks his alcohol glass in his hand looking at Colin]

[Drunk uncle raises his hand and from somewhere, he gets another glass of alcohol.]

[Cut to Drunk uncle]

Drunk uncle: You were saying?

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, you can’t behave like that.

Drunk uncle: [yelling] Yeah, I’m afraid of George Lopez. [Cut to Drunk uncle]

[singing] So take these broken wing [singing by mumbling words]

[Drunk uncle starts sobbing]

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! Oh, no. Oh! Drunk uncle!

Drunk uncle: So, I’m not a celebrity, okay? [Cut to Drunk uncle] So I’m not Hamilton on Broadway, okay? So I’m not Mr. America. Here he is, Mr. America. So much glass on my hands. Please, that’s not me.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, I hesitate to say this, I think you might be a little too drunk.

Drunk uncle: He’s my president, Colin. Because he’s finally gonna get rid of all of the– all, every single one of–

Colin Jost: Wait, wait! Don’t! Don’t say it.

Drunk uncle: Crime, Colin. I was gonna say crime. He’s gonna get rid of crime man.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay.

Drunk uncle: Come on! Crime perpetrated by immigrants!

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Drunk uncle, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle on Halloween

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Drunk Uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost Halloween. And that means families will be out Trick or Treating. Here with his take on Halloween this year is drunk uncle.

[cheers and applause]

[Drunk Uncle slides in with his glass]

So, how are you drunk uncle?

Drunk Uncle: Oh, trick or treat! I’m sorry. 5th floor please.

Michael Che: No man! I’m the new Update anchor.

[Drunk Uncle is confused]

[Drunk Uncle slides his chair behind Michael Che and then to the side of Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: Yeah, this feels better. Oh! Trick or treat, smell my feet, kids used to volunteer to fight for their country.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle! Be nice.

Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey! [Drunk Uncle puts a trash can’s cover on his head] Ouch! What’s my costume?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. Oscar the grouch?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: No, I’m America because that’s where we are now, in the garbage.

[Drunk Uncle throws away the trash can cover.]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you must be excited for Halloween? Right?

Drunk Uncle: More like Horrorwin. You know? I mean, like, “Oh! What are you going as little girl?” “Oh, I’m going as disappointing my father.” People don’t even trick or treat anymore, Colin. You know? [Cut to Drunk Uncle] When I was a kid, monsters were men. It was just ghost, goblin, Frankenstein, Dracula. Nowadays, it’s just, “Trick or treat! Can you put some goji berries in my drop box please?” Is this GoPro farm to table? NFL anywhere. If you can watch the NFL anywhere, then why can’t I watch it in the damn toilet, Linda?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, come on, drunk uncle.

Drunk Uncle: Fit bit. Fit bit. Fit bit. The only exercise I get is chasing those damn gypsies off my lawn.

Colin Jost: Those were costumes.

Drunk Uncle: They were like, “Oh! Trick or treat!” Well, guess what? We already got trick. It’s called Pearl Harbor.

Colin Jost: Alright. Drunk uncle, I think you’re a little too drunk.

Drunk Uncle: Yeah! I got trapped in a corn maze. Oh! Excuse me. I’m sorry. A native American maze.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

[Drunk Uncle starts singing, and then crying]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, drunk uncle. Are you crying?

Drunk Uncle: So I’m not a jack of lanterns. Oh yeah? So I don’t know how to commit murder [blabbering unintelligible words]. Okay? So I’m not a graveyard smash, okay? [blabbering unintelligible words] That’s not me.

Colin Jost: That’s not anyone.

Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey. You wanna hear a joke?

Colin Jost: Sure.

Drunk Uncle: What is black and white and red all over?

Colin Jost: A newspaper?

Drunk Uncle: Oh, no, that’s better. I was going to say something super racist. So, yeah. [Drunk Uncle starts singing]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everybody! For Weenend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.