Interrogation Room

Barn… Venessa Bayer

Mr. Lanly… Taran Killam

Dunwudy… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with a guy in a interrogation room.]

Barn: Mr. Lanly. I am agent Barn. This is agent Dunwudy. So, we’ve certainly been busy haven’t we?

Mr. Lanly: I want my lawyer.

Barn: We’ll get to that.

Mr. Lanly: Where is my lawyer?

Dunwudy: Cool out, hot ball!

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: First, let me just review your organization’s accomplishments. Drug trafficking, illegal arms dealing. Should I keep reading?

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: I don’t know anything.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly and Dunwudy]

Dunwudy: That is a lie so big that it could fit in a box that could hold a million hats.

[Cut to all three]

Barn: Now, as fascinating as you are Mr. Lanly, we’re far more interested in your boss Eddie Coldoron.

Mr. Lanly: Never heard of the guy.

Dunwudy: Oh, you wanna play games? Go, ride ahead because we’re not going anywhere. And I have to pee right now but I can hold it all day. All day. One time I held it through an entire production of Rent with the original cast.

Barn: Can you just– You can either continue to cooperate or continue to play dumb. I suggest you choose the former.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: Or how about you give me a kiss with those pretty red lips.

[Cut to all three]

Dunwudy: She would never kiss you. No! Because she’s dating a guy named Jeff. And he’s the best.

Barn: Mr. Lanly, you are in no position to play games.

Mr. Lanly: I’m not playing games. I’m an innocent man.

Dunwudy: Hey! Darthy! Do you really expect us to just stand here and follow your big lies?

Mr. Lanly: Look, I’d like some water, please.

Dunwudy: Does this look like your gorgeous cheesecake factory to you?

Mr. Lanly: No, it looks like an interrogation room. So, where’s my water?

Dunwudy: Your water’s in the garbage can which is also where your house is.

Mr. Lanly: Excuse me?

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: Your employer, Mr. Linly. Help us get Coldoron and we may just be able to make something work out for you.

[Cut to all three]

Mr. Lanly: You know, wearing that blouse, I can kind of see down your shirt.

Dunwudy: Hey! Idiot! Idiot! She has a boyfriend Jeff, remember? And Jeff is the coolest! And his house is awesome and his snacks are the best. Okay? You would never get invited to Jeff’s. Not now, not ever. Don’t even think about asking.

Mr. Lanly: Why so much Jeff stuff?

Barn: Okay. [Cut to Barn] Well, we have you associate in the next room and he seems very interested in selling you out to protect himself. So, we’ll go pay him a little visit.

[Barn stands]

Dunwudy: Barn, just let me have a minute.

[Dunwudy sits on the chair]

Barn: Okay, I just think–

Dunwudy: No. Just trust me. Just trust me. Trust me! Hey there Looney Tune.

Mr. Lanly: How am I a Looney Tune?

Dunwudy: Said the biggest Looney Tune I’ve ever seen.

Mr. Lanly: Okay.

[Cut to Dunwudy]

Dunwudy: Look at you, man! You’re just sitting there in handcuffs. So, no one told you that you’re life was gonna be this way! And now your job’s a joke and you’re broke and your love life’s DOA! It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear.

[Cut to all three]

Mr. Lanly: Yeah, that’s clearly the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. theme song.

Dunwudy: Friends, it’s friends, which is what you and Jeff will never be.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: Okay, you know what? Enough about Jeff. I’ll talk but I want full immunity and I only talk to her, not this guy.

[Cut to all three]

Barn: Okay, I think we can make that work.

Dunwudy: Yeah, great! Great! Coz I’m gonna grab a tape recorder, okay? So, you just sit there and you watch your new favorite TV show called The Wall.

Mr. Lanly: Alright, seriously. Quit while you’re ahead.

Dunwudy: Yeah, yeah! I know, okay? Coz, I’ll be there for you. Alright?

[cheers and applause]