Tag: Dustin

Headshots

Dustin… Michael Longfellow

Photographer… Andrew Dismukes

Grandpa… Michael Longfellow

Colin Farrell

[Starts with Dustin walking into the studio]

Dustin: Hey, I’m here for the head shots. You’re the photographer?

Photographer: No, I just like standing next to cameras. I’m kidding. I’m funny. Sit over there, we’ll get started.

Dustin: So, I brought in a couple of different looks. Nothing crazy. But…

Grandpa: Dustin? Dustin?

Dustin: Grandpa, what are you doing?

Grandpa: You forgot your fedora in the car. I thought you might need it for your little acting photos.

Dustin: They’re called head shots, grandpa. I’m sorry about him.

Grandpa: Oh, I see. I’ve interrupted. My apologies. I’ll shove off.

Photographer: Wait. I don’t mean to be weird, but there’s something very special about you.

Grandpa: Who me? [smiling] No.

Photographer: Yes, you must let me take your photo.

Grandpa: Oh, I don’t know. I’ve never had my picture taken before. [wears the hat]

Dustin: What about me?

Photographer: You can move your huge ass. Please, sir. Stand over there. [Grandpa throws the hat at Dustin and stands on the set] All right, here we go. Show me brooding. Yes, yes. Now get your smile on. Oh yes. Now, bite that lip and pop that hip. Yes, sir! Okay, now how about we do a silly one? Um-hmm. Yes. That was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen Seinfeld.

Dustin: Is it my turn yet?

Photographer: Sounds like you jealous that your boyfriend is the real star.

Grandpa: That’s my grandpa.

Photographer: Shut up. Please, sir, a few more. Okay. You ski. Oh! God, man. That is exactly what skiing looks like. Now, how about cute shy boy? Aww, why so shy, cute boy? Come on out of that shell, won’t you? More. Yes, more, more. Come on. Yes, correct. Yes, that is exactly right.

Dustin: What am I supposed to be doing?

Photographer: How about you write a book about the time I saw your grandpa for the first time? Now, where were we?

Grandpa: No, we’ve had a laugh. But I think it’s time for this old man to go.

Photographer: No, no. Don’t you understand? The world needs to see what I see.

Grandpa: But you really think that if people saw this plain old face, there’d be no more war?

Photographer: Exactly.

Dustin: What?

[Colin Farrell walks in]

Colin Farrell: Hi, Colin Farrell here to get some head shots. I can come back later.

Photographer: Wait. This is gonna sound so weird. But there’s something very special about you.

Colin Farrell: Me? No.

Photographer: This is a crazy idea, but would you go stand next to him? Please? [Colin Farrell walks next to Grandpa] Um-hmm. Yes. Ah, yes. Just as I suspecte,d it works. Would you indulge me?

Colin Farrell: I don’t know. I’ve never had my picture taken before.

Dustin: That’s a lie.

Photographer: Silence. All right, boys, this changed the world. Okay. You’re buddies but sometimes you don’t get along. Oh, yes! Now, one of you is the president and one of you is meeting the President. Come on. Oh. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Finally. Double cute shy boy. Oh my god. Yes. [on the phone] Hello, Tiger Beat magazine? It’s your cousin Marvin Tiger Beat magazine. You know that sound you’ve been looking for? Well listen to this.

[cut to front page of Tiger beat magazine with Grandpa and Colin Farrell’s picture]

Dustin: Okay, is it my turn now?

Beanie Babies

Dustin… Daniel Kaluuya

Bowen Yang

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Bowen, Dustin and Aidy having a meeting]

Bowen: Good to see you, Dustin. We’ve been looking forward to reviewing this year’s Beanie Baby bios.

Dustin: Me too. I love writing little stories. Little stories on that text.

Aidy: Well, that’s what makes Ty different. Our Toys come with beautiful back stories. They have a past.

Bowen: Yeah. And we love what you wrote for Clipper the dolphin. “As I sail through the ocean blue, I’ll run across a friend or two. My birthday is March 5th.”

Aidy: It is so great that you always include the Beanie’s birthdays.

Dustin: Thank you. Children want to know when their toy was born.

Bowen: Yes. Alright. That’s enough. Let’s get started. As always, please present each Beanie on the Beanie pedestal.

[Dustin puts a toy penguin on the table]

Dustin: This is Rico.

Aidy: Oh, adorable. Okay, so what will his tag say?

Dustin: “Sick of being the funny one, always desexualizedd by friends. Wobble wobble. there I go to bed again with no nudes. Might as well be dead. Send nude or unfollow. My birthday is June 22.”

Aidy: Hmm. Dustin, this feels a little off Beanie.

Dustin: Okay.

Aidy: I didn’t love the death part. Let us remember, Beanies don’t know that they die.

Bowen: Yes, correct. They live a happy life, and then it stops. There is no pain. Who’s next?

[Dustin puts a toy tiny bear on the table]

Dustin: This is Nibbles. He says, “Met couple online but still not vaccinated. Had ‘threesome’ over FaceTime in the bathroom (where router is). Toxic and sad all around. Dropped phone in toilet and by the time it was dry they were all done, didn’t care. My birthday was that day.”

Aidy: Dustin! That’s nasty! That’s very bad.

Dustin: You said write what you know.

Bowen: No, we didn’t. We sent you an example from last year said, “Like this.”

Dustin: This is the only way I know how to access my rage, my sadness with the Beanies.

Aidy: Well, let’s move on. I know the next one will be good.

[Dustin puts a toy on the table]

Bowen: [reading] Julio – “If someone DM’s saying husband away on business but gets all defensive once you make a move, it’s like… Okay? Why are you even in New York? Grow up. My birthday is May 5th. Oh my god, I’m turning 50.” Okay, Dustin!

Aidy: Yes, it feels like Beanies could reflect a little before they start attacking couples on the internet.

Dustin: Well, everyone’s happy as long as the Beanie shut up and keep paying for their drinks, right?

Aidy: I mean, are there any Beanies in the pile who don’t have a victim complex?

Dustin: Yes, this one. [puts a toy on the table]

Aidy: Alright. [reading] Giselle – “Throwing a picnic! Guess what! There’s no one here. Funny how everyone’s ‘scared’ of the virus when it’s a picnic with me. erased by my chosen family get again. My birthday is Feb 14z, whatever.”

Bowen: Alright, next Beanie. Next Beanie.

[Dustin puts another toy on the table]

Dustin: Kiki – “Feeling a little better toay. Just because some isn’t into me, doesn’t mean it’s a societal problem. Someone will ant me, if there is god.”

Aidy: If? Dustin, there is a god. And he wants happy Beanies.

Bowen: Next Beanie to the pedestal, Dustin.

Dustin: That’s all of them.

Aidy: That’s all of them? You only wrote five Beanie bios?

Dustin: We shipped you a thousand beanies. We have this room booked until four in the morning.

Aidy: That’s right. Just go. Okay? I’ll call the factory and I’ll tell them to stop making the beanies.

Dustin: Fine. But all I did was write my truth.

Aidy: Hello, yes, put the manager on. Who do you think this is? Halt the Beanie machines at once. Well, then destroy them all. And don’t look them in the eyes. They’ll break your heart.

Dating Show

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Dustin… Beck Bennett

Jared… Kyle Mooney

Frank… Mikey Day

Ryan Mack… John Cena

[Starts with MTV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching MTV. At six, it’s ‘Teen Mom’. At seven, it’s ‘Teen Wolf’. And at eight, it’s ‘Teen Wolf Mom’. But first, it’s time for all new, ‘Hook a Hunk’.

[Cut to the Hook a Hunk stage. There is a lady and three guys on the stage.]

Female voice: Tonight, things are heating up. We got one lucky girl.

[Cut to Michelle]

Michelle: I’m Michelle. I’m 22. and when it comes to love, I’ma all about it.

Female voice: Who gets to hook one of three hot hunks.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: I’m Dustin. I have two cats and I think you’re purr-fect.

Jared: I’m Jared. I love hotdogs. And if you are, I’d relish you.

Frank: I’m Frank. I’m a magician. And if you give me a chance, I think my penis could do the trick.

Female voice: Who will she choose? Let’s find out now on Hook a Hunk. With your host Ryan Mack.

[Ryan Mack walks in]

Ryan Mack: Hey, everyone. Welcome to the show. Let’s get started.

Michelle: Oh, my god. You’re– you’re the host?

Ryan Mack: Yeah, I’m Ryan.

Michelle: Oh, I’m– I’m Michelle. I’m the contestant.

Ryan Mack: I know it. I know coz I’m–

Michelle: You’re the host. Of course. I’m– That was stupid.

Ryan Mack: No. No, it was cool. You wanna play the game?

Michelle: Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m just– I’m nervous.

Ryan Mack: You’re gonna do great. Just be yourself and relax.

Michelle: [flirting] Yeah, easy for you to say. You run this whole place.

Ryan Mack: Shut up.

Michelle: You shut up.

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Ha-ha. Ready whenever you are, Ryan.

Dustin: Yeah, this hunk is ready to get hooked.

Frank: Forget these bozos, Michelle. I know you’re going to hook me.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is feeling Ryan Mack’s biceps.]

Michelle: My god, your arms are so big.

Ryan Mack: Too big?

Michelle: No, no, no. Like, I bet you could pick me up so easily.

Ryan Mack: You want me to try?

Michelle: Right now? You are so crazy, Ryan. Um, but… what are you doing tonight?

Ryan Mack: Well, I just have this thing to do for an hour. Then I’m free. You wanna grab some food?

Michelle: Yeah. Sure. What kind of food do you like?

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Well, for me, my favorite food is strawberries because I’m sweet and, yeah, I like to jam.

Dustin: And I like toast because I want to toast to you, Michelle, and the rest of our lives together.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is holding Ryan Mack’s hand.]

Michelle: Babe, it’s okay, you can tell me what it is.

Ryan Mack: Well, I had a younger brother but he died.

Michelle: Oh, no. I’m so sorry.

Ryan Mack: His last words were ‘Find the right girl.”

Michelle: We should visit his grave. Oh my god, I’m sorry. That was so forward of me.

Ryan Mack: No, it’s not. You’re a family now.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: And if I was on a desert island, the two things I would bring are my guitar and you, Michelle.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is leaning her head on Ryan Mack’s shoulder.]

Ryan Mack: I feel like we’re the only two people alive.

Michelle: Hey, how did you get that scar?

Ryan Mack: I don’t want to tell you. I would just scare you away.

Michelle: Look at me. Nothing is scaring me away.

[Michelle and Ryan Mack start kissing]

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: [looking around confused] And for me, if I was on a desert island, I would bring you, Michelle, and one dozen roses.

Dustin: That’s a really good answer.

Jared: No, it wasn’t. They’re not even listening. I feel so stupid.

Dustin: Hey, you’re not stupid. You’re smart.

Jared: Thanks.

Dustin: Yeah. I mean, that thing you said before about the strawberries, that was awesome.

[Jared hits Dustin in a playful way]

Jared: You’re just saying that.

Dustin: [staring at Jared] I’m not

[Dustin and Jared start kissing]

Female voice: This is been another episode of ‘Hook a hunk’. Until next time, stay horny.

Frank: Um, so, should I just go or…?

Stranger Things

Ross Duffer… Mikey Day

Matt Duffer… Alex Moffat

Mike… Kyle Mooney

Dustin… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Lucas… Sasheer Zamata

Mom… Leslie Jones

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Will’s mom… Melissa Villaseńor

Eleven… Kate McKinnon

Jim Hopper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Netflix: Behind The Scenes intro]

[Cut to Ross Duffer and Matt Duffer in their set]

Ross Duffer: Hi, we’re the Duffer brothers. Our show ‘Stranger Things’ was the show of the summer.

Matt Duffer: In next season, we’re solving some of the first season’s biggest mysteries.

Ross Duffer: Like, where is the upside down?

Matt Duffer: Is Barb coming back?

Ross Duffer: And where is that black kid’s family?

Matt Duffer: Yeah.

Ross Duffer: Yeah.

Matt Duffer: It was a little overside on our part.

Ross Duffer: Oops.

Matt Duffer: So to knit this one into the bug before the blogs come after us…

Ross Duffer: Here is a sneak peak at Stranger Things season two.

Matt Duffer: Whooo!

[Cut to Stranger Things video bumper]

[Cut to Mike, Dustin and Lucas on their bikes.]

Mike: Come on guys, this is the way to the upside down.

Dustin: Are you sure about this?

Mike: I don’t know. We gotta find Will.

Lucas: Yeah, Dustin, you’re such a baby.

Dustin: I’m not a baby. I’m just scared the monsters are gonna eat us.

Lucas: Whatever, I’m not scared of anything.

Woman’s voice: Lucas!

Lucas: Oh no. Oh god! It’s my parents.

[Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad walk in]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas! Where the hell have you been? We haven’t seen you in days.

Lucas’s dad: What makes you think you can be out this late? Kids in this town are getting snatched up by kidnappers.

[cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But it’s not kidnappers.

Mike: Yeah, it’s the demigorgan.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: A demi what?

Mike: It’s a monster and we’re looking for it.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas, I told you not to hang out with these little white kids.

Lucas: But we have to find the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: The what?

Lucas: It’s like the normal world but it’s scarier. And there’s danger at every turn.

Lucas’s mom: Baby, people who look like us already live in the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: Let me put it to you this way Lucas. You don’t have to go looking for scary stuff. It’s gonna find you.

Lucas: But Will’s in the upside down.

Lucas’s mom: Boy, I will beat your upside down.

Lucas: Okay. Yep, good point. Um, sorry guys. I’ve gotta go.

[Cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But Lucas?

Lucas’s mom: But nothing. You need to go home too. There needs to be a grown up with y’all.

Dustin: There is an adult, Will’s mom.

[Cut to Will’s mom, Mike and Dustin. Will’s mom is shaking and crying]

Will’s mom: [sobbing] It’s just that I– I wish I could– the lights. Oh, I don’t even know where I’m even supposed to start.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad looking worried]

Lucas’s dad: Oh, na, this lady has lost her damn mind. Come on here Lucas. We’re taking you home.

[as Lucas’s dad is trying to hold Lucas, his hand is stopped]

[weird sound]

What happened?

[Cut to Eleven standing beside Mike and Dustin]

Mike and Dustin: Eleven!

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Man, who is this little creepy wood dude.

Lucas: Mom, she’s a girl. She has special powers and her name is Eleven.

[Cut to Eleven. Her nose is bleeding.]

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Okay Eleven, I’m going to count to three and if you don’t let my husband go, I’m gonna take these five fingers across your scary ass. One… two…

[Eleven lets Lucas’s dad go.]

Mike: What happened? Did you lose your power?

Eleven: No, she really scared me.

[Jim Hopper walks in his police dress]

Jim: Oh, there you guys are.

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad. They are scared of Jim.]

Lucas’s dad: [shouting] Oh! Monster!

Lucas: Mom, dad, you don’t have to be scared. This is the police chief.

Lucas’s dad: We know.

[Cut to Dustin]

Dustin: It’s okay. He’s on our side.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Yeah, these are some of my [looking at Eleven] closest friends.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: I don’t like the way that sounds.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Anyway, I’m glad I found you. El, here’s your frozen eggos.

[Eleven eats eggos wildly]

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: Okay, let’s go. These white people crazy.

[Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad leave]

[Cut to Stranger Things video bumper]