Wrestle Mania PromoWrestle Mania Promo

Director… Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mutt… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Beck Bennett

[Starts with filming of wrestling event promo]

Director: Okay. Moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our next two wrestlers in there. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

[Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt walk in]

Trashyard Mutt: Wow! Alright! Good to see you, man. Good to see you again.

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah. Hey. Good to see you. Right back at you, brother.

Director: Hey guys, it’s a normal 30 second promo. We can start whenever you are ready.

Trashyard Mutt: Great, thanks man.

[Director leaves]

Hey, fair warning. I might get a little harsh with some of the stuff I say. Its just kind of my thing. So…

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah, yeah. Completely understood, man. Well, let’s have a good one. And oh, give me all you got.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, great.

Director: Okay, set?

[Host walks in behind them]

And, action.

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors. Director and Coco Watchout. and it doesn’t get much uglier than a rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right, Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: You’re darn right. And when I get my paws on him, it’s gonna be dinner time for old Mutt. And it looks like tonight’s main coarse is a big heaping sticky pile of loser. [barking]

Host: What do you have to say to that, Coco?

Coco Watchout: Well, let me tell you something about this guy. He’s shooting blanks. He has been trying to get his wife pregnant for two years. And he cannot get it done. And it is putting a lot of stress on their marriage.

Trashyard Mutt:Yeah. [pauses] Well, I’m gonna put some stress on you in that ring. I’mma mess you up!

Coco Watchout: I’ll tell you what’s messed up. This guy’s sperm. They don’t have tails. They’re just little heads. The doctor said that he has never seen that before. And the only bun this guy is putting in the oven is a cinnabon because he’s not fertile.

Host: Well, you’re here, heard it here first. Trashyard Mutt is sterile and it all gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Director: And cut.

Coco Watchout: Oh, that was good. Right? Would you go with that one?

Trashyard Mutt: No. Not really, man! I told you that in private. Okay? Maybe we could talk more about like, wrestling stuff, okay? And like, less emotional stuff.

Coco Watchout: Okay. Wrestling stuff.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah.

Coco Watchout: Cool, cool, cool. Okay. Hey, great note.

Director: Alright, promo take two. And action!

Host: I’m here with Director and Coco Watchout. And it doesn’t get much uglier than the rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, yeah! And lord help him when I come flying down from that top rope with my double doggie drop. [barking]

Coco Watchout: Actually, Mutt, you’re not flying anywhere coz you’re on the no-fly list. Because the last time you flew, you took a dump so bad they had to turn the plane around. They heard the noise and thought it was a bomb. An 80 year old woman fell into a coma and she still hasn’t woken up. At one point, you tried to blame it on a soldier returning home from Afghanistan.

Trashyard Mutt: Urgh! How did you know about that?

Coco Watchout: I know everything about you Mutt because I hacked into your laptop. And I’ve been watching you. That’s how I found out what a big Katy Perry fan you really are.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, no!

Coco Watchout: Roll the tape.

[Cut to a webcam video where Trashyard Mutt is wearing a wig, bra and is stripping.] [Cut to Coco Watchout, Trashyard Mutt and Host]

Trashyard Mutt: That was– That was long time ago.

Coco Watchout: It was yesterday! And that’s what Coco is cooking. Whoo!

Director: Cut! Cut! Um, felt good to me. You guys happy?

Coco Watchout: Yeah.

Trashyard Mutt: No! No! I’m unhappy.

Coco Watchout: But you said I should just go after you.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, well, don’t, okay? Just keep it generic stuff, okay? Like I’ll be crying for my mama or something silly.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Yes. Sure. Cry for you mama. Okay, cool. Hey, again, great note.

Trashyard Mutt: Thanks.

Director: Take three, and action.

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

Coco Watchout: And when I get through with this guy, he’ll be crying for his mama. Or at least, for the woman who he thinks is his mama.

[Trashyard Mutt is angry and walks around to calm himself down]

Because he doesn’t know he’s adopted!

Trashyard Mutt: Why are you doing this, Steve?

Coco Watchout: See, your birth mother was part of a government experiment to produce the perfect child. To the surprise of the scientist, the embryo split and twins were born. You and me. That’s right, Mutt. We’re twins. And you’re the defeato.

Trashyard Mutt: What? We’ve been wrestling together for years. Why wouldn’t you tell me?

Coco Watchout: I was saving it for this promo. And I asked mom if she wants to meet you and she said, “No, I’m good.”

Trashyard Mutt: What is happening?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know how your wife said she was going to meet her friend for lunch week?

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, I know.

Coco Watchout: Well, she actually went to the fertility clinic. And guess what, not only is she pregnant, but you’ll never believe who the sperm donor is.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, boy.

Coco Watchout: Uncle Coco! Your unborn baby is both my nephew and my son. And you had no idea.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, my god! I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mutt runs out]

Coco Watchout: And that’s what the Coco is cooking.

World’s Most Evil Invention

Bobby Moynihan

Dr. Microknox… Kyle Mooney

Baroness Antarctica… Sasheer Zamata

Roy… Dwayne Johnson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]

Bobby: Order, order, my colleagues and calamity. I hereby call to order the meeting of the international mad scientists society. As you know, it is time for the mad scientists society’s annual most evil invention in the world contest.

All: Hear, hear, evil!

Bobby: Yes. Esteemed evil doers. You have had all year to work in your secret laboratories on an evil invention that will shock the entire world with it’s dastardly design. Who is first?

[Dr. Microknox walks forward with a gun that looks futuristic]

Dr. Microknox: [Laughing] I am Dr. Microknox. And the most evil invention in the world is my shrink ray.

All: Ooh!

Dr. Microknox: It can reduce a monument to the size of a toy. I will have the eiffel tower on my key chain and Mt. Rushmore as a paper weight.

Bobby: [evil laughter] Very evil, Dr. Microknox. I guess bad things do come in small packages. [evil laughter] Who is next?

[Baroness Antarctica walks forward with her gun]

Baroness Antarctica: I am Baroness Antarctica. My entry for world’s most evil invention is the freeze ray.

All: Ooh!

Baroness Antarctica: I shall incase all the world’s most famous monuments in solid ice.

Bobby: [evil laughter] How chillingly evil. Okay, who is next?

[Roy walks in with a tin robot]

Roy: Hey. Hi, guys. My name is Roy. And for the most evil invention in the world contest, I invented a child molesting robot.

[All scientists are confused]

Bobby: I beg your pardon. What?

Roy: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll speak up. It’s a robot that’s designed to molest children. And I call it Robochomo. You see, it’s powered by solar rechargeable fuel cells, cost pennies to manufacture and it can theoretically most twice as many children as a human molester in quite frankly half the time. So, um, do I win the contest? Seems like I win.

Baroness Antarctica: Oh, my god!

Roy: What’s wrong?

Baroness Antarctica: What’s wrong? My most evil idea was blizzard in July.

Roy: Right. Well, I went in a slightly different direction with the assignment.

Dr. Microknox: You built a mechanical sex predator.

Roy: Yes. Yes. yes. That’s exactly right. This guy gets it. You get it.

Dr. Microknox: Oh my god! No, I don’t!

Beck: How do you even build a child molesting robot?

Roy: Well, that’s a great question. What you do is you start by building a regular robot. Then you molest and hope it continues the cycle.

Beck: Dear lord almighty!

Dr. Microknox: That’s the most hideous thing I have heard in my life.

Roy: Oh, well. Thank you very much. You see, the shrink guy is with me all the way.

Dr. Microknox: Stop saying that.

Roy: You know, I want to remind you guys that in Webster’s dictionary, it defines evil as profoundly immoral.

Baroness Antarctica: We know what evil means.

Roy: Well, it doesn’t seem like you do because you built a freeze ray. I mean, Benito Mussolini used to force feed people castor oil until they literally died of diarrhea. I mean, that’s got to be there the goal posts are, right? Am I crazy or–?

Beck: I think someone should call the police.

Roy: Okay. Okay. Well, I think we all are getting hangry right now. Let’s break for lunch. I’ll buy you all a sandwich at the restaurant across the street.

Bobby: Get our of here now!

Roy: let’s just talk it over at the restaurant across the street with the medieval decor and the little miniature beef sandwiches.

Dr. Microknox: It’s a White Castle man! Just say White Castle. Who the hell calls White Castle a sandwich restaurant?

Roy: Okay. Well, you guys are mad. I’m sorry. I just wanted to win the contest. I guess I screwed up.

Bobby: No, Roy. You have nothing to apologize for. Yes, you made a robot that molests children. But you also made an important point here today. Things are always better with juicy beef and onion sandwiches from White Castle, America’s medieval sandwich restaurant.

[Cut to White Castle video bumper]

Male voice: White Castle, we’ll serve anybody!

Wingman

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Dwayne Johnson

Carlos… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Dwayne sitting at a bar.]

Bartender: Hey, another round, boss?

Dwayne: Um, yeah, I guess I could do one more.

Bartender: You’ve got it.

Dwayne: Thank you.

[Dwayne is looking at a girl at the next table]

Bartender: Looks like she’s alone. You should go talk to her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa! No no, no, no, no. No way, Jose. I can’t.

Bartender: Why? You married or something?

Dwayne: No, I’m just not good at approaching women. I get so nervous. I always mess it up. I men, my gosh. She’s beautiful, though.

Bartender: I’ll tell you what, I’m the perfect wingman. I’ll go over there and put in a good word for you.

Dwayne: Oh, no man! It’s okay. That’s too embarrassing.

Bartender: Come on! Come on!

Dwayne: No, no, no.

Bartender: Trust me. I got this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Good news, my friend.

Dwayne: What did she say?

Bartender: She’s into it. Yeah. She wants to have a threesome with us.

Dwayne: Hey! Wait, what?

Bartender: I made it happen. She’s into the threesome idea.

Dwayne: Wait, wait. What threesome idea? I don’t even know you.

Bartender: Oh! You don’t know her either. What’s the difference? She wants to hook up.

Dwayne: Okay. Well, tell her I want to hook up with her, but not a threesome.

Bartender: Alright! Alright! Okay. I’ll see what she says.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Alright, all cleared up. She’s willing to have sex with us one at a time, but says I get to go first.

Dwayne: What? Why do you keep putting yourself into this?

Bartender: Dude, I’m trying to wing you, man. You said you’re bad with women.

Dwayne: Okay, okay. Look, no offense but I’m only interested if she’s just her and me, not you.

Bartender: Uh, are you sure? That might piss her off.

Dwayne: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m positive.

Bartender: Okay. Your funeral.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again. It seems like the girl actually likes it better.] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: She’s not into it, man.

Dwayne: Really? Well, she was nodding a lot.

Bartender: Yeah, she said it has to be a threesome or one at a time with me going first and then again right after you.

Dwayne: What? No! No!

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Okay. Let’s see who else is in here.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Just forget it. Go away. No. No.

Bartender: Come on. Dude, hang on. I’m the wingman. I want to hook you up. [another girl walks in to the bar] Whoa, whoa, hang on. The redhead over there. She’s definitely into you.

[the girl is looking at Dwayne and smiling]

Dwayne: She is so hot.

Bartender: Say no more. I’ll go over and ask if she wants to do a threesome.

Dwayne: No, no. I don’t want a threesome.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. No threesomes.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Dwayne: What happened?

Bartender: She said she would only sleep with you if her girlfriend could join in too. But I told her you don’t do threesomes.

Dwayne: No, wait! No! No! Dude, go back there and tell them yes.

Bartender: Oh, so now you’re into it?

Dwayne: Yes, I’m into it! It’s two girls. Of course I’m into it.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Let me wing this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay. She said she’ll have a fivesome with us.

Dwayne: What? What’s a fivesome?

Bartender: You know. A five some. You and me, her and her girl and Carlos.

Dwayne: Who is Carlos?

[Carlos is standing behind Dwayne]

Carlos: Hey!

Dwayne: No, dude. No. Just forget it. Forget about it.

Bartender: Come on. I feel bad. I messed up. Give me one more shot.

[Bartender walks to another girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay, she’s into it.

Dwayne: Hey, just me and her?

Bartender: No, her and him.

Carlos: Hey!

Bartender: Yeah. You know, what can I say? Wingman strikes again. Ha-ha!

Scorpio

Steve… Dwayne Johnson

Linda… Cecily Strong

Sue… Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with comic pages turning]

Male voice: I was just an ordinary guy… until the extraordinary happened. [scorpions are biting this guy. After that, he has become strong and now is fighting as a hero.] And extraordinary is just what this city needed.

[Cut to Linda speaking on phone in her office]

Linda: Maximilian is no joke. He is destroying the entire north side of the city. I can’t even get reporters on the field. It’s too dangerous.

Steve: Linda! [Linda gets scared as she thought she was alone. Steve is in his super hero costume.] Don’t be afraid.

Linda: Steve?

Steve: It’s me. I am, well, different.

Linda: What? What happened?

Steve: It’s hard to explain. But now I possess the super abilities of a scorpion, enhanced strength, deadly grip and venomous sting. With my powers and this armor that I created, I vow to become the vigilante this city needs. I came here to say goodbye just in case I don’t come back.

Linda: That’s incredible, but hold on. You made that?

Steve: What? The suit?

Linda: Yeah! You sewed that?

Steve: Yes. Yes, I did. Now this city won’t need to–

Linda: It’s gorgeous.

Steve: You think so?

Linda: I do. You made it with your own hands?

Steve: Yes, I did.

Linda: When?

Steve: Oh, just last night.

Linda: In just one night?

Steve: [laughing] Yes. It’s really easy once you settle on the… what’s it? Oh, silhoutte.

Linda: Steve!

Steve: It’s Scorpio now.

Linda: Scorpio, this is insane. Like, your super powers include impeccable tailoring?

Steve: Well, I- I had that from before.

Linda: From before? Oh, my god! I just noticed the little zipper on the side.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

[Sue and Aidy walk in]

Sue: I heard Maximilian attacked a hospital.

Aidy: Oh my god! What is this outfit?

Linda: He made it.

Steve: I made it. I made it.

Sue: Shut up. No, you didn’t.

Aidy: Okay, the zipper is–

Steve: I know, I know. It’s a little wonky. I just rushe because the hospital was going to explode.

Linda: Girls. Look, the little scorpion on the buckle matches the detailing on the shoulder.

Steve: Oh, but let me ask you. You don’t think it’s too much, do you? Because I was worried that the buckles might be a little too much.

Linda: No, no. Like, if I saw it laid out on a table, I’d be like, “Yeah, that’s too much.” Seeing it on you, I’m like, “No, it’s perfect.”

Aidy: Yeah. I love that the fabrics are a mix of high and low. Honestly, for me it’s a full yes.

Steve: Oh, great. Well, you know, I didn’t want to be too matchy-matchy.

Sue: I feel like it could use a scorpion on the chest.

Steve: No.

Aidy: Disagree.

Steve: God, no.

Linda: Too literal.

Steve: No. I want it to feel like scorpion by suggesting themes like danger, poison, night. And it’s a very earthy color story.

Sue: yeah. But I just think it could be a cool–

Steve: No, I know, but it’s a garment, it’s not a costume.

Sue: Alright. Alright.

Steve: Yeah. I mean scorpion on the chest. What? Do you wear a blouse with like “Sue’ written on it?

Sue: Alright!

Aidy: Oh, dear god! I didn’t see the back.

[Steve turns around. There’s a big hole at the back.]

Girls: Oh!

Steve: Thank you. I just wanted a little, you know, like, [slaps his own butt] umm!

Sue: Look at that butt!

Steve: Oh, it’s– it’s padded. Shh.

Steve: Could you make something for me?

Aidy: I honestly feel like this might be your thing, Steve.

Steve: Scorpio!

Aidy: Scorpio. I need to see a whole collection from you, Scorpio.

Sue: Yeah. Being a superhero is a skill, but designing is a talent.

Radio: Maximilian threatens to blow up city hall in five minutes. This city needs a hero.

[Steve turns the radio off]

Steve: I made a capelet for winter missions. Would you guys like to see it?

Girls: Oh, yes!

[Steve pulls out his cape with scorpion print]

Linda: What? How did you get it to not crease at the seams?

Steve: Yeah. I actually cut it along the bias.

Aidy: Oh, I cannot!

[explosion sound]

Linda: Oh, my god! City hall.

Steve: Should I design wedding dresses?

Sue: Yes! Please!

[Ends with a comic picture of a Scorpio Boutique]

RKO Movie Set

Howard… Beck Bennett

Janet Charmpagne… Banessa Bayer

Brock Tenderson… Dwayne Johnson

Operator… Mikey Day

Sound Guy… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with some actors getting ready for filming in RKO Studios, 1948.]

Howard: Everyone, quiet on set. Alright, our stars have arrived. And we’re ready to shoot this thing. We are very lucky to have two of today’s biggest talents, Hollywood icon Janet Charmpagne and up-and-comer Brock Tenderson

Brock Tenderson: Ah, thank you, Howard. I’m very excited.

Janet Charmpagne: Yes, Howard. Thank you. What a treat. I missed RKO pictures almost as mush as I miss the three-bean salad in the commissary.

Howard: Hmm, alrighty! We’re starting with scene eight, everyone. Let’s go.

Brock Tenderson: You know, Janet, before we begin, I just wanna tell you that, um, to work with you is a dream for me.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, please. Treat me like a normal woman you would meet on the street. Deal?

Brock Tenderson: Deal.

Howard: Alright. Let’s try one.

[Operator walks in with a clapperboard]

Operator: ‘Murder by numbers.’ Scene eight. Take on.

Howard: And, action.

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson are acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband’s trying to kill me.

Brock Tenderson: Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep.

Janet Charmpagne: No. You don’t understand. He wants me dead. Please. I don’t know who he is anymore. Please, just let me stay here with you. [Janet Charmpagne farts] Um, I’m sorry. I think I need to cut. I made a mistake.

Howard: Um, what was that, Janet?

Brock Tenderson: Um, I think she would like to cut.

Janet Charmpagne: Because I made a mistake. Did sound hear it? The mistake I made?

[The sound guy is nodding his head yes]

Let’s do it again. I am so sorry.

Brock Tenderson: Oh, well. I’m so thrilled to be here with you in this scene.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, good attitude. How wonderful is this man? This is going to be a good movie. Let’s do another one.

Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight.

Howard: And action!

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? [farts] My husband is trying to kill me. [farts] [walks to Janet Charmpagne] [whispering] Okay, just say your line.

Brock Tenderson: Okay. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being comple– [Janet Charmpagne farts] completely hysterical. Go home to your husband and get some sleep. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Janet Charmpagne: I’m going to stop because I think I did too many mistakes in a row. I’m so sorry.

Brock Tenderson: You know, don’t say another word. I’m just happy to be here, breathing the same air as the Janet Charmpagne.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh! You’re sweet.

Howard: Are you ready to try again?

Janet Charmpagne: We are. And good news, I don’t think there will be any more mistakes. I think I’m out of them.

Brock Tenderson: Ah! Well, if that’s the case, I think this is going to be the one. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Janet Charmpagne: You’re a very classy man.

Brock Tenderson: And you are a one of a kind, shining star.

Janet Charmpagne: Then let’s make history. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight, take three.

Howard: And action.

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband is trying to kill me. [whispering] I’m doing it.

Brock Tenderson: Thanks. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep! [whispering] Oh my god! Well done.

Janet Charmpagne: I know. I’m controlling it. Please, I don’t know who he is anymore. Just let me stay here with you. Just or tonight. [Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson kiss]

Sound guy: Yep, no farts at all.

Howard: This is great.

Brock Tenderson: This is a start of something very dangerous.

Janet Charmpagne: [laughing] You’re telling me. [as Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson hug each other, Janet Charmpagne farts very long]

Howard: Cut!

Brock Tenderson: I’m sorry, Howard. That was me. That was my brand.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop it Brock. Taking the fall for my long mistake.

Brock Tenderson: Hey, as long as you’re a star, you make them as long as you want.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop being so marvelous all the time. Where did we find him? Are there more– [Janet Charmpagne farts] of him?

Sound guy: Are we on break? Because I could really use a cigarette.

[Sound guy pulls out a cigarette and a lighter. He’s about to light the cigarette]

Howard: Richie, no! Don’t!

[When the sound guy lights the fire, the studio explodes by the fart gas]

Rap Song

Big Chris… Kenan Thompson

Shantasia… Sasheer amata

Young Bitch… Pete Davidson

Prinsexxxy… Leslie Jones

Sno’Cone… Mikey Day

Sloppy Moses… Kyle Mooney

Marci Jamz… Melissa Villaseñor

King Keef… Dwayne Johnson

Lil’ Nitwit… Alex Moffat

2 Black Guyz… Colin Jost, Michael Che

Hawt Clown… Cecily Strong

Pregnasty… Kate McKinnon

Skiffle… Bobby Moynihan

Katy Perry

Kathleen Bell… Aidy Bryant

Essentially Simon… Beck Bennett

David S. Pimkskins… Tom Hanks

Dat Snatch*… Vanessa Bayer

[Music video starts with Big Chris in the intro] [music playing]

Big Chris: Uh! This that new track. New money crew. Cash Stack Records. Represent, Big Chris.

Shantasia: With Shantasia. Ha-ha.

Young Bitch: Featuring your boy, Young Bitch!

Big Chris: Here we go, uh! Yo…

Prinsexxxy: Prinsexxxy on the track.

[Big Chris is looking around getting confused]

Holding it down.

Sno’Cone: With Sno’Cone.

Big Chris: Yeah, they up on this track too. Y’all never heard this many MCs. Here we go. Yo…

Sloppy Moses: Sloppy Moses also part of this.

[Big Chris is annoyed]

Bring it down, West Coast!

Big Chris: Um, him too. And that’s more than enough now. Yeah, Big Chris.

Shantasia: Shantasia.

Young Bitch: Young Bitch.

Prinsexxxy: With Prinsexxxy.

Big Chris: Whole lot of people.

Sno’Cone: Sno’Cone!

Marci Jamz: Marci Jamz.

Sloppy Moses: It’s Sloppy Moses.

Big Chris: And then we cut it off there. Uh! Yeah. I mean, we more than covered on this particular track. And yo! Don’t think I ain’t notice you trying to fly under the radar Marci Jamz!

Sno’Cone: New Money Crew roll deep.

Big Chris: I mean, maybe too deep? I don’t know!

King Keef: Featuring King Keef.

Big Chris: No! This track is full, man! There ain’t no vacancy, B!

King Keef: King Keef does not accept that. Brought the whole Hoodlum squad to this track!

Sno’Cone: Hoodlums!

King Keef: Where you at, Lil’ Nitwit?

Lil’ Nitwit: Keep it greasy, y’all!

Big Chris: What happened there?

2 Black Guyz: With 2 Black Guyz.

Big Chris: Bad name!

Hawt Clown: Hey, Hawt Clown!

Big Chris: Ah, [bleep]

Hawt Clown: You know what it is.

Pregnasty: Gucci girl, Pregnasty!

Big Chris: No!

Skiffle: And y’all, don’t forget about your boy Skiffle! Bow-yaka-yaka.

Sloppy Moses: Ah!

King Keef: Oh! Skiffle!

Big Chris: Yo! Definitely ain’t no room for Skiffle.

King Keef: Yo, Skiffle, sing!

Katy Perry: And you know, Katy Perry on the track!

Kathleen Bell: With Kathleen Bell.

Big Chris: Aite, maybe not Kathleen Bell.

Kathleen Bell: [singing] Here we go, new music.

Essentially Simon: Essentially Simon, modern day witch. Bringing those new musings like nothing’s more dangerous than a genius with money.

Big Chris: Whatever! Anybody else?

David S. Pimpkins: David S. Pimkskins! [cheers and applause]

Big Chris: No!

King Keef: Yes!

Big Chris: Alright, everybody could say, you know, let’s just keep it orderly. Find a place to pop in, alright? Here we go. Big Chris on the mic like–

[All the rappers are rapping simultaneously. It’s noisy and doesn’t make sense.]

Stop! Stop! that did not work! It’s like I feel there’s too many people on this track. I’m sorry, y’all.

Dat Snatch*: Dat Snatch* out! Peace!

Big Chris: Yo! Who dis?

David S. Pimpkins: Any questions?

[The End]

Millwood High School

Dwayne Johnson

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Dwayne speaking at the podium. There are four students around him]

Dwayne: Alright, seniors. Well, give it up again for the recipients of the Eugene Dwalf Scholarship. Now, each and every single one of you will receive $25 towards your college tuition.

[the students leave]

Now, for the fun part, as you know some of your senior class mates have put together an amazing skit performance looking back on this incredible year.

[four seniors walk in]

Beck: Man! Four years? I still can’t believe we’re seniors.

Kyle: Yeah. This has been one crazy ride.

Bobby: But now, it’s coming to an end.

Vanessa: Yeah. And I actually heard some special guests were gonna be stopping by to celebrate the–

All: Class of 2017.

[music playing] [They all dab] [Bobby wears a Deadpool mask]

Bobby: Ola, it’s me Deadpool. Congrats. It’s time to make the chimi-changas!

Beck: I’ll take the Deadpool chimi-changas over the roast beef in the cafeteria.

[The juniors are laughing hard, while the cafeteria cook is looking at them angrily] [now, they have bicycle handles. They are impersonating the Stranger Things.]

Kyle: Something isn’t right. Are we in the upside down?

Vanessa: No, we’re graduating, bro.

Bobby: Man, that’s a stranger things.

[Beck is eating cookies]

Kyle, Vanessa nd Bobby: Eleven!

Beck: No, it’s just two. [showing two cookies.]

Dwayne: [laughing] Oh, my god! That was Stranger Things. I mean, god! I’m gonna miss you crazy fools. Once you graduate, I guess we could start hanging out. Yeah!

[Now, Kyle has a wig on]

Beck: And the Oscar for the most amazing senior class goes to…

Kyle: La-La-Land.

[Vanessa runs in and gives Beck a piece of paper]

Bobby: Oh, no! I’m Jimmy Kimmel. There has been a mistake. It’s actually…

All: All the Millwood seniors.

Beck: Man! That was a huge mistake. Just like ordering the roast beef at the cafeteria.

[The juniors are laughing hard, while the cafeteria cook is looking at them angrily]

Pete: [to cook] Ha-ha-ha. Your roast beef sucks.

Dwayne: Ha-ha. It’s crazy coz it is bad beef. Alright, it’s an amazing observation, guys. I can’t believe it’s just three years before we can all drink together. Oh, it’s gonna be great. Okay, shut up. Shut up. Yeah, coz there’s more. There’s more.

[now Kyle had horns, Beck is wearing a yellow female dress, Bobby is carrying a rose and Vanessa is holing candles]

Kyle: Oh, no. The last petal from the Beauty and the Beast rose has almost fallen.

Vanessa: I guess we won’t turn into college students.

Beck: Unless…

All: [singing] Seniors always rule
all the juniors drool
class of
17

Gemma with Dwayne Johnson 2

Vanessa Bayer

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Dwayne Johnson

Gemma… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

[Starts with Vanessa and Gene sitting on a ride at Jurassic Park]

Vanessa: Are we really going to get wet on this ride? I just got my hair done.

Gene: Sweetie, can you just try to have a good time since it’s your birthday?

Vanessa: YOu’re right. Taking me to Universal Studio is as good as going to Paris after all.

[Vanessa and Gene hug] [Dwayne and Gemma walk in]

Dwayne: Oh, babe! Two seats in this one. Come on! Shake a butt.

Gemma: Coming by.

Dwayne: Oh, it’s a little shaky.

Gemma: Grab my hand?

Dwayne: I got your hand, babe.

Gemma: I’m excited to see real dinosaurs.

Dwayne: Oh yeah, babe. But they’re not real. They’re stuffed.

Gemma: Alright.

Dwayne: [looking at Gene] Oh my god, Gene! Look at this. No freaking way! I haven’t seen you in, what? Like, two, three years? Oh, it’s crazy, huh? Last time I saw you, you were with your wife. You guys break up?

Gene: No. [pointing at Vanessa] This is her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa. What happened to you, honey?

Vanessa: What does that mean? Is that good or bad?

Dwayne: Hey, you remember Gemma, huh?

Gemma: Hi, I’m Gemma. I’m British. This is my pig Pipsqueak. She’s British too.

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Okay, folks. Welcome to Jurassic River Rapids. As a reminder, this ride does get wet. So you will want to secure your valuables in the center console right there. And– I’m sorry, is that a pig?

Dwayne: Yeah. I think so. This is your pig, right babe?

Gemma: yeah, it’s a mini pig. Look, we dress alike.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she dresses like a pig. Huh, how hot is that, huh? Hey, you bout to pop through those button fly shorts?

Vanessa: Gene, you’re not going to bust your new shorts, are you?

Gene: I hope not.

Vanessa: Just don’t!

Mikey: Okay, well, no matter what, I still can’t let you have any animals on the ride. So, I guess I’m gong to have to hold him for you.

Gemma: Aw, okay. Goodbye, pips. Mommy’s gonna miss you.

[Mikey takes the piglet away from Gemma]

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she’s talking that sexy piggy talk, bedtime talk to the pig, huh? Is your fly getting as strained as mine, Gene? Hah? I can hear my zipper going, “Oh! Oh! I can’t hold it. I can’t hold it.” Hey, what do you think your button sound like, Gene?

Gene: I don’t know. Maybe like, “Boop.”

Vanessa: Does boop mean your button popped, Gene?

Gemma: [to Mikey] Careful, he bites and kicks.

Mikey: Okay. Make sure you are all buckled in. And watch out for those velociraptors.

[ride starts]

Dwayne: Ay! Ay!

Gemma: Oh, wow! We’re moving.

Dwayne: I know, right, here we go. Dino time! Like that skinny black guy used to say.

Gene: I think he used to say “Dyno-mite.”

Dwayne: Yeah.

Gemma: I’ve got a song called ‘Dyanmite.’

Dwayne: Oh, yeah, Gemma is a singer. You remember that?

Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I actually do. You have a lovely voice.

Dwayne: Gene, Duck!

[Gene ducks. Water splashes on Vanessa]

Vanessa: [to Gene] Oh my god! Why did you just tell him to duck?

Dwayne: Oh, because I don’t know your name, girl.

Vanessa: Well, may name–

Dwayne: Hey, hang on, hang on. Gemma was about to sing. You can tell us after. Ay, Gene, duck!

[Gene ducks. ater splashes on Vanessa again]

Vanessa: Why?

Dwayne: You should have told me your name, I guess.

Gemma: Give me a beat, babe.

Dwayne: Oh, you got it, babe.

Gemma: [singing] Boom, boom, blast, hey
boom, boom, blast, hey
got all in the club shakin’ their ass
girls are jel cause I’m the best
but boy you better run cause I’m dangerous

[Gene is shaking his head enjoying]
that’s why they call me Dynamite
I just might blow you a way
boom, boom, blast, hey!

Gene: Oh, that was really great. Right, honey?

Vanessa: Well, I would dance to that.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, tell your friend to duck!

[A dinosaur appears behind Vanessa and starts spraying water from it’s mouth.]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

[The ride is over.]

Mikey: Alright, guys. Your survived your adventure. Hope you enjoyed the ride. And by the way, you weren’t lying. The pig kicks and bites and is very nasty.

Dwayne: Hey! Hey! Don’t you talk about Gene’s wife that way! I’m gonna kill this guy.

Mikey: Oh, I’m talking about the pig.

Dwayne: Hey! It’s his wife, dude!

[Gene, Dwayne and Gemma are out]

Vanessa: Hey, can you help me? My seat belt is stuck.

Dwayne: Ay, nice. You get to go twice, honey.

Vanessa: But I don’t want to.

Gene: [yelling] Can you just have fun, honey?

[Water splashes on Vanessa again]

Gemma: Bye, Gene’s wife. We’ll miss ya.

[The ride starts again]

Enhancement Drug

Dwayne Johnson

Doctor… Kyle Mooney

Friend… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a group of people working at the construction site.]

Dwayne: You know, when I hit 50, my body went through a big change and not for the better. Severe erectile dysfunction shattered my confidence, sent me into depression and almost ruined my marriage. And believe me, I tried everything. But then a friend told me about Xentres. So I tried it and I worked.

Female voice: Xentres is the strongest male-enhancement drug on the market. It increases blood flow, boosts testosterone and ends erectile dysfunction instantly.

Dwayne: So I asked my doctor about Xentrex, and he said, “Xentrex? What the hell is Xentrex?” And I said, “Xentrex! It’s the strongest male-enhancement drug in the world and it works.” And he said he never heard of it. So, I pulled up the website and showed it to him. He started laughing. He said, “Are you insane, man? You can’t put that junk in your body. It’ll kill you. Your heart will stop. Rhino horn? Ammonium hydroxide? That’s what in meth, right?”

Female voice: Xentres is made strong enough to work on the most extreme cases of erectile dysfunction, and fast!

Dwayne: My doctor asked me, “Where did you hear about that [bleep]?” And I tole him, “A friend.” And he said, “Well, what’s his name?” And I said, “Well, I don’t really know him actually.” And he says, “But you just said he’s your friend.” So I told my doctor, “Look. Let’s forget about him and just write me a scrip for Xentrex and I’ll be on my way.” My doctor said, “Are you deaf, man? No! I could lose my license. You could die.” I said, “Yeah, I still want it though. So give it to me. Write the prescription.” I wasn’t leaving. So he says, “I think that website just froze my computer.” So I grabbed him a little. And he goes, “YOu’re hurting me, sir.” Hah! Xentrex works.

[Dwayne starts beating up the doctor]

Female voice: Side effects of Xentrex include fits of rage, acne, bleeding, baldness, blindness, whooping cough, hallucinations, coma, trouble swallowing, decrease in semen, increase in semen, nasal sores, constipation, vomiting, night terrors, amnesia and suicidal urges.

Dwayne: And those are just the side effects they tell you about. [Dwayne’s nose is bleeding] I get sweats. My bones are cold. My teeth are loose. My heart gets really, really hot. I could read minds and sometimes, I wake up driving a stolen car. But my erections are fantastic. When I wear gray sweat pants, people cross the street. Which is fine. Xentrex gave me my life back. Hail satan.

Female voice: So, threaten your doctor or ask your ketamine guy about South African Xentrex today.

Dwayne: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. It works.

Dwayne Johnson Five-Timers Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Alec Baldwin

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Ou! I know Thank you. It has been so great to be here hosting the season finale of ‘Saturday Night Live’. [cheers and applause] And tonight is extra special for me because this is my 5th time hosting this amazing show.[cheers and applause] So, thank you guys so much. But, you know, I really don’t want to make big deal about it.

[Alec Baldwin walks in]

Alec Baldwin: And yet, we must.

Dwayne Johnson: Alec, my friend! Um, weren’t you just in the Cold Open?

Alec Baldwin: Oh, it’s never enough doing that. What a season it’s been for me. But tonight is not about me. It’s about you. I’m here to officially welcome you into the five timers’ club. [snaps his fingers] Shall we?

[cheers and applause] [Alex Moffat brings in the 5 timers’ robe and puts it on Dwayne Johnson. It’s the same robe as Alec is wearing.]

Dwayne Johnson: Wow! Thank you. See? Thank you so much. It is an honor to get this from you. And I gotta tell you, Alec. You have been amazing playing the president this year.

Alec Baldwin: I can’t take all the credit. I have to thank the– um– [snapping his fingers] what do you call those pale people who take the subway?

Dwayne Johnson: Um, writers.

Alec Baldwin: Yes, them. I love them.

Dwayne Johnson: Well, you know, Alec, it’s funny. You know? A lot of people have been telling me lately that, well, I should fun for president of the United States. Yes, yes. And I gotta tell you, it’s very flattering. But tonight, I want to put that to rest and just say once and for all, I’m in!

[cheers and applause]

Yes! Starting tonight, I am running for president of the United States. Yes. And I gotta tell you. I have already chosen my running mate. [pointing at Alec Baldwin] He is also in the five timers’ club. And like me, he is very well liked, charming, universally adored by pretty much every human alive.

Alec Baldwin: Dwayne, I would be honored to–

Dwayne Johnson: Mr. Tom Hanks, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tom Hanks walks in wearing the same five timers’ robe. Alec Baldwin is embarrassed.] [cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Stop! Stop! Dwayne! Dwayne! I could not possibly turn this down. I will do it. I am in. Let’s go!

Dwayne Johnson: We’re in.

Alec Baldwin: Yes! Yes. I will be in the cabinet.

Dwayne Johnson: No!

Alec Baldwin: Because all three of us are equally beloved. Not a single black mark on any of our public personas.

Tom Hanks: Yeah, sure. Hey, Alec, I think I saw Lorne talking to your wife.

Alec Baldwin: I’m gonna break that son of a bitch’s neck! [Alec Baldwin runs towards the studio]

Tom Hanks: Happens every time.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. It happens every time. Yes. Yes. Now, in the past, I never would have considered running for president. I didn’t think I was qualified. But now, I’m actually worried that I’m too qualified.

Tom Hanks: Well, the truth is, America needs us. No one can seem to agree on anything anymore except for two things…

Dwayne Johnson: Pizza and us.

Tom Hanks: And us. I mean, I have been in two movies where a plane crashes and people are still excited to see me on their flight.

Dwayne Johnson: That’s true. That’s true. It’s very true. That’s true. True story. You know, and I one time ran a red light and the traffic cam footage alone made a billion dollars. Tom, I think we’re unstoppable.

Tom Hanks: Dwayne, together we would get 100% of the vote. I would get the senior vote, because I fought in World War II in like, 10 different movies.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. Yes. And I of course would get the minority vote because everyone just assumes that I’m, well, whatever they are.

Tom Hanks: You’re Portuguese.

Dwayne Johnson: I am. Ha-ha-ha.

Tom Hanks: Plus, between us, we could handle any crisis. If god forbid, we could go to war, I can assure the nation…

[music playing]

…we will sacrifice and we will suffer, but in the end we will win because we are the Americans and that is what Americans do.

Dwayne Johnson: That is amazing. That is amazing. That’s amazing. And if god forbid, California splits off and falls into the ocean, well, that’s my area.

[music playing]

Dammit! If I don’t get down to the fault line and detonate the warhead the entire state is going to sink! Fuel up the submarine and tell the secret service to pack my trunks. The president’s going for a swim.

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Man, there was a lot going on there.

Dwayne Johnson: There is. It’s how I roll, Hanksy. Yeah. But listen, America, before you get too excited, this isn’t real. Tom and I are joking.

Tom Hanks: Yeah. I just wanted to be on TV with Dwayne.

Dwayne Johnson: [laughing] Yes. Well, you know, it’s just that when it comes to politics, we need more poise and less noise. Americans deserve strong, capable leaders. Leaders who care about this country and care about its people.

Tom Hanks: Wow. Um, Dwayne, that kind of sounds like you and me. I guess we got to do it! Come on! Let’s go!

[A backdrop with ‘Johnson Hanks 2020’ written on it is dropped]

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Hanks: We’re doing it! There you are! There you are! There you are!

Dwayne Johnson: We have got a great show. Katy Perry is here. Stick around. Hanks and Johnson will be right back.