Tag: Dwayne Johnson

WWE Promo Shoot

Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mud… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of backstage of Wrestle Mania.]

Kyle: Okay, moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our two wrestlers in there. [Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud walk in] Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud. [Kyle walks out]

Trashyard Mud: Great! Hey, can’t wait to work with you man. This is gonna be great.

Coco Watchout: Oh, man! Totally. Me too. I can’t wait.

Trashyard Mud: Hey, feel free to just really let me have it in this promo, man! Don’t hold back.

Coco Watchout: Oh, you sure?

Trashyard Mud: Ya, ya! Definitely. Just go for it.

Coco Watchout: Okay, cool. Alright.

Kyle: Okay, everybody set?

[Host walks in using his phone]

Trashyard Mud: This could be fun.

Coco Watchout: Yeah, man!

Kyle: And, action!

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.] [rock music playing in the background]

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud. And there is no love loss between these two, isn’t that right Mud?

Trashyard Mud: No! [barks and howls] Oh, you better watch out because when Mud gets out of the Trashyard, the first thing that he’s gonna do is take out this big old pile of stinking rotten garbage. [barks]

Host: And what do you have to say about that Coco?

Coco Watchout: Let me tell you something about this guy. He has herpes. It’s true. Oh, he’s got herpes and he’s got it bad.

Trashyard Mud: Yeah! Yeah, well, you’re gonna be rid in a body bag when I’m through with you. [barks]

Coco Watchout: Yeah? Well, you can’t have sex with anyone without having a talk first coz of your herpes. I heard your doctor said it was the most herpes he’d ever seen!

Host: Well, you heard it here first. Mud has herpes. And it gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Kyle: And cut!

[Host starts using his phone and leaves]

Coco Watchout: Hey dude!

Trashyard Mud: Hey!

Coco Watchout: So, what did you think man? It was pretty good, right?

Trashyard Mud: Um, no! No, not really. Yeah, that stuff was kind of personal. Maybe talk to me more about stuff that you were gonna do to me in the ring.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Cool. I got it.

[Host walks in using his phone]

Okay, not a problem.

Trashyard Mud: That’s cool.

Kyle: Alright. Promo take two. And action.

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.] [rock music playing in the background]

Host: And here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud, and there is no love loss between these two, isn’t that right Coco?

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah! When we get in that ring on Sunday, I’m gonna tell everybody about what I found on his computer. It’s full of Family Guy porn. You keep googling “Lewis Sex Brian”. And Brian’s the dog, man!

Trashyard Mud: I like dogs. Ay! How do you know all of that?

Coco Watchout: I hired a research firm to dig up dirt on you. And then they found out ton. You remember the college girlfriend named Donna? It turns out eight months after you broke up, he had a baby girl Evelyn.

Trashyard Mud: What?

Coco Watchout: I met her. She is a lovely girl and honored student. And she doesn’t want to have a thing to do with you, man! Because you never met her coz you’re not fit to be a dad. And that’s what the Coco is cooking.

Host: And tell me, what do you have to say to that, Mud?

Trashyard Mud: [Trashyard Mud is confused but he barks]

Host: You heard it here folks. And it all gets settled this Sunday.

Kyle: Cut! Cut!

[Kyle walks in]

I like that. Are you guys feeling that one?

Trashyard Mud: No.

Coco Watchout: Yeah. You said, man! Just let you have it, right?

Trashyard Mud: Yeah. I take it back, man. Okay? Just do normal stuff. Like, how you’re gonna rip me apart or something.

Coco Watchout: Okay. I mean, that seems wrong to me. But okay. Okay. For sure. Okay. I got it.

Trashyard Mud: Come on!

[Kyle leaves]

Kyle: And, action!

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.] [rock music playing in the background]

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud.

Coco Watchout: I’m gonna rip this guy apart! And I mean psychologically.

Trashyard Mud: Jesus!

Coco Watchout: We have been looking on something the last eight months, Mud. You know, the internet girlfriend Staccy? The college student who lives in Hawaii that you’ve never met in person?

Trashyard Mud: Oh,no.

Coco Watchout: Well, I got news for ya. She’s really not a college student and her real name’s not Stacey. It’s Coco. That’s right. I cat-fished your ass! I made you fall in love with me and you had no idea!

Trashyard Mud: That is so intricate! Why are you doing this?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know that cute picture of Stacey that you’ve been spanking at? It’s actually a picture of Evelyn, the daughter you never met. Whoo!

Trashyard Mud: I think I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mud leaves]

Host: Well, there you have it folks. All at Wrestle Mania this Sunday

Coco Watchout: Ah! Coz that’s what Coco is cooking.

Kyle: Yeah! Now it’s a cut!

Host: Oh! Too far, Coco!

The Jungle

Shortlong… Pete Davidson

Dr. Bones… Dwayne Johnson

Ms. Reece… Kate McKinnon

Tribal man… Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

[Starts with TNT Movie Night intro]

Male voice: You’re watching TNT Movie Night. And now, back to the 1983 classic, Escape from Jungle Island.

[Cut to three people in the jungle]

Shortlong: Dr. Bones! Dr. Bones! Look! The Forbidden Temple of lost souls.

Dr. Bones: Excellent work, Shortlong. And you were a very talented translator Mrs. Reece.

Ms. Reece: Actually, it’s Ms. Reece, Dr. Bones. [Ms. Reece is feeling Dr. Bones’s muscles] I hope we share many more adventures together.

Dr. Bones: Well, let’s keep it professional, Ms. Reece. We have to retreat the priceless Yulu-Yulu crystal and get off the jungle island. There’s gotta be a lever here. There’s always a lever.

[Cut to a tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Uma-Uma-Uma. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Shortlong’s neck.] [Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Dr. Bones! Dr. Bones. I’ve been hit by a poisonous dart.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, no!

Shortlong: This is the end of the line for me, Dr. Bones. I’m a goner.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, you still have a chance. I’ll suck the poison out.

[Dr. Bones is sucking Shortlong’s neck.] [Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, sweet kiss!

[Cut to Dr. Bones and Shortlong. Dr. Bones sucks the poison out of Shortlong’s neck. Shortlong survives.]

Dr. Bones: There. Feel better, Shortlong?

Shortlong: Dr. Bones. You saved my life.

Dr. Bones: Ah! Well, I’d do the same thing for all my friends.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Really? Oh, well. [Ms. Reece acts as she’s been hit by a dart on her lips] Oh, no. I’m hit too. Right on my soft lips. You both heard it. Oh!

[Cut to everybody]

Shortlong: I don’t see a dart, Ms. Reece.

Ms. Reece: Ya, but you’re just a guy. Maybe Dr. Boner should look.

Dr. Bones: It was probably a mosquito.

[Cut to another tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Bali-bali-bali. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Dr. Bones’s chest.] [Cut to everybody]

Dr. Bones: Ah! I’m hit. I’m hit right in the chest.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, I’ll suck it out. Me!

[Cut to everybody]

Shortlong: No, no, no, no! Ms. Reece. Dr. Bones saved my life. Now, I must return the favor. It’s guy code.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, do you see the wound?

Shortlong: No.

[Dr. Bones is unbottoning his shirt.]

Dr. Bones: How about now?

Shortlong: No.

Dr. Bones: How about now?

Shortlong: Ah! He hit you right on the nipple.

Dr. Bones: Oh! Quick! Shortlong!

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, give me! Give me!

Dr. Bones: Suck the poison out with your mouth.

[Cut to Shortlong sucking on Dr. Bones’s nipple] [Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Wait! What if you blow into that nipple while I suck on the other one? Will that work? Let me try that, please?

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: Already done.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, you’re a true friend.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Are you sure you got all the poison? Someone should check to make sure–

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: Good idea, Ms. Reece.

[Shortlong sucks on Dr. Bones’s nipple again] [Shortlong spits out]

There you go. I got it all.

Dr. Bones: Now, let’s open this door and retrieve that crystal.

[Cut to a tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Feti-feti-feti-feti. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Dr. Bones’s butt.] [Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: Ah! He hit me in the rear!

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, damn! I got you.

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: No, no, no, Ms. Reece. I’m close to Dr. Bone. By the time you get over here, the poison will enter his blood stream.

Dr. Bones: He’s right, Ms. Reece. I appreciate you trying to help. But it has to be Shortlong. He’s slightly closer and time is of the essence.

[Shortlong sucks poison out of Dr. Bones’s butt.] [Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: I can hold his butt firmly for you, you know? So you can just focus on getting the poison out.

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Oh, there’s so much poison Dr. Bones.

Dr. Bones: Don’t stop sucking Shortlong until it’s all out.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Um, we can take shifts. I go now, you go when I’m done tomorrow.

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Already done. It was so hard to get a good seal. His skin is so tight!

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: I owe you one, Shortlong.

[Cut to two tribal men]

Tribal men: Dali-dali-dali!

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Aim over here, and I’ll make you very rich men.

[Tribal men shoot Shortlong and Dr. Bones with a dart on their penis.] [Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: Ah! We both were shot right between the legs.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, no! And it all falls on me because only one can be saved. Oh, no! [Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece] Farewell brave Shortlong.

Dr. Bones: No! We can save each other. Shorlong, quick! Cartwheel up to me.

[Shortlong and Dr. Bones are sucking on each other cartwheeling.]

Ms. Reece: Let me in there! Let me in there!

Dr. Bones: They’ll be out in 15 minutes.

[Shortlong and Dr. Bones leave and the tribal men come and take Ms. Reece away.]

New Disney Movie

Pete Davidson

Bambi… Dwayne Johnson

Thumper… Taran Killam

Flower, Ludacris … Jay Pharoah

Faline… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a Disney movie teasers.]

Male voice: Walt Disney has brought the magic back by turning your favorite animated classics into live action. And in 2016, Disney brings you the biggest remake yet.

[Cut to Pete pinning a sign on a wood. The sign says ‘Hunting Season’.] [A car stops behind him. Bambi walks out of the car.]

Pete: Who the hell are you?

[Cut to Bambi. He has big ears and is smoking.]

Bambi: I’m Bambi.

[Bambi starts shooting guns]

Male voice: From the duet of Furious 7, comes a new Disney Classic on Over Drive. Bambi. Starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson as Bambi.

[Bambi visits his mom’s graveyard]

Bambi: When I was a boy, they took away my mother.

[Cut to a deer hung on a wall] [Cut to a boy screaming “Mommy”]

Now, it’s time for them to pay. Deerly!

[Cut to Thumper walking in. He has rabbit ears too.]

Male voice: Vin Diesel as Thumper.

[Cut to Bambi and Thumper]

Bambi: Why do they call you Thumper?

Thumper: Coz I’m always thumping.

Bambi: You’re always what?

Thumper: I’m always thumping.

Bambi: Yeah, yeah! It’s always something, huh?

Thumper: No. I’m always normal.

[Cut to Flower]

Male voice: Tyrese Gibson as Flower.

Flower: I smell bad, but I look good. Wow!

[Cut to Faline running and shooting.]

Male voice: And Michelle Rodriguez as Faline, AKA, the girl Bambi.

[Cut to Bambi, Thumper, Flower and Faline planning]

Bambi: They call themselves Tanglewood. They’re a hunting club. They kill for sport. Like it or not, we’re part of the game. Me, you and all our forest friends.

Thumper: I ain’t got friends. I got a herd.

Faline: It’s a suicide mission.

Bambi: Well, if we’re going out, we’re going out together.

Thumper: One last ride.

Flower: Whoow!

[A butter flies by and sits on Bambi’s nose] [Cut to Bambi, Thumper, Flower and Faline walking with the guns going for the mission.] [Cut to Bambi enters Tanglewood. There are two men sitting on sofas.]

Bambi: What’s the matter? Never seen a deer in the headlights?

[There is crossfire between the Tanglewood men and the animals]

Kyle: Where are they?

Bobby: When you see them, give me a sign.

[Cut to Bambi]

Bambi: Here’s the sign. Deer crossing mother-[bleep] [Bambi jumps and shoots]

Male voice: Bambi! Featuring the new single from Ludacris, “Wham, Bam, Bambi.”

[Cut to Ludacris music video]

Ludacris: [rapping] Wham, Bam, Bambi… Luda!

Male voice: Disney, Bambi. Get bucked, June 2016.

Interrogation Room

Barn… Venessa Bayer

Mr. Lanly… Taran Killam

Dunwudy… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with a guy in a interrogation room.]

Barn: Mr. Lanly. I am agent Barn. This is agent Dunwudy. So, we’ve certainly been busy haven’t we?

Mr. Lanly: I want my lawyer.

Barn: We’ll get to that.

Mr. Lanly: Where is my lawyer?

Dunwudy: Cool out, hot ball!

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: First, let me just review your organization’s accomplishments. Drug trafficking, illegal arms dealing. Should I keep reading?

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: I don’t know anything.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly and Dunwudy]

Dunwudy: That is a lie so big that it could fit in a box that could hold a million hats.

[Cut to all three]

Barn: Now, as fascinating as you are Mr. Lanly, we’re far more interested in your boss Eddie Coldoron.

Mr. Lanly: Never heard of the guy.

Dunwudy: Oh, you wanna play games? Go, ride ahead because we’re not going anywhere. And I have to pee right now but I can hold it all day. All day. One time I held it through an entire production of Rent with the original cast.

Barn: Can you just– You can either continue to cooperate or continue to play dumb. I suggest you choose the former.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: Or how about you give me a kiss with those pretty red lips.

[Cut to all three]

Dunwudy: She would never kiss you. No! Because she’s dating a guy named Jeff. And he’s the best.

Barn: Mr. Lanly, you are in no position to play games.

Mr. Lanly: I’m not playing games. I’m an innocent man.

Dunwudy: Hey! Darthy! Do you really expect us to just stand here and follow your big lies?

Mr. Lanly: Look, I’d like some water, please.

Dunwudy: Does this look like your gorgeous cheesecake factory to you?

Mr. Lanly: No, it looks like an interrogation room. So, where’s my water?

Dunwudy: Your water’s in the garbage can which is also where your house is.

Mr. Lanly: Excuse me?

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: Your employer, Mr. Linly. Help us get Coldoron and we may just be able to make something work out for you.

[Cut to all three]

Mr. Lanly: You know, wearing that blouse, I can kind of see down your shirt.

Dunwudy: Hey! Idiot! Idiot! She has a boyfriend Jeff, remember? And Jeff is the coolest! And his house is awesome and his snacks are the best. Okay? You would never get invited to Jeff’s. Not now, not ever. Don’t even think about asking.

Mr. Lanly: Why so much Jeff stuff?

Barn: Okay. [Cut to Barn] Well, we have you associate in the next room and he seems very interested in selling you out to protect himself. So, we’ll go pay him a little visit.

[Barn stands]

Dunwudy: Barn, just let me have a minute.

[Dunwudy sits on the chair]

Barn: Okay, I just think–

Dunwudy: No. Just trust me. Just trust me. Trust me! Hey there Looney Tune.

Mr. Lanly: How am I a Looney Tune?

Dunwudy: Said the biggest Looney Tune I’ve ever seen.

Mr. Lanly: Okay.

[Cut to Dunwudy]

Dunwudy: Look at you, man! You’re just sitting there in handcuffs. So, no one told you that you’re life was gonna be this way! And now your job’s a joke and you’re broke and your love life’s DOA! It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear.

[Cut to all three]

Mr. Lanly: Yeah, that’s clearly the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. theme song.

Dunwudy: Friends, it’s friends, which is what you and Jeff will never be.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: Okay, you know what? Enough about Jeff. I’ll talk but I want full immunity and I only talk to her, not this guy.

[Cut to all three]

Barn: Okay, I think we can make that work.

Dunwudy: Yeah, great! Great! Coz I’m gonna grab a tape recorder, okay? So, you just sit there and you watch your new favorite TV show called The Wall.

Mr. Lanly: Alright, seriously. Quit while you’re ahead.

Dunwudy: Yeah, yeah! I know, okay? Coz, I’ll be there for you. Alright?

[cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson’s Franchise Viagra Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Sasheer Zamata

Cecliy Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. You know, I feel very blessed to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live for the 4th time.

[cheers and applause]

Now, 4th time feels right to me because I’ve actually been in a lot of sequels and I have added some extra, [showing his fist] umph, to franchises. Like, The Mummy, Journey To The Center Of The Earth, GI Joe and of course, The Fast and Furious. [cheers and applause] And some folks in the industry have even referred to me as…

[music playing] [Dwayne Johnson grabs a mic and backup singers walk in behind him]

“Franchise Viagra”. So, tonight I just want to send the message to Hollywood producers out there who are looking to beef up their next sequel. I’m available.

[singing] If you’re looking for that extra special something
you wanna make sure the Box Office is bumping
need the baddes Mo-Fo since Charles Braton
add dashing Dwayne and a pinch of Johnson

Yo, check this out,

put me in Frozen, or Avatar 2
Don’t need no CGI, just paint my ass blue
make another Home Alone, where I’m the kid
the burglars take a look at me, and they’re like, “Shit!”

Sasheer: Zero Dark Thirty, Bin Laden was toast

Dwayne Johnson: Zero Dark Thirty-one, I kill his ghost
Coz I’m–

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: What about the new Batman?

Sasheer: I can play Bane
I’ll even play Bruce Wayne
you know what? Hell! I’ll even play Michael Kane

Back up singers: That’s insane!

Aidy: Be the 4th Amigo.

Sasheer: The 7th sense

Kate: The 8th Samurai

Dwayne Johnson: And the next president.

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: Fifty Shades of Grey?

Dwayne Johnson: I’d do a 50 a day.

Kate: Sister Act 3?

Dwayne Johnson: Put that habit on me

Sasheer: Toy Story 4?

Dwayne Johnson: Let’s make 20 more

Aidy: Another Smurf movie?

Dwayne Johnson: No!

[audience laughing] [music stops]

Aidy: Okay, that is fair enough.

Dwayne Johnson: [music starts] Oscar movies this year, didn’t make no dough
even Birdman could use people’s elbow

Cecily: Boyhood 2?

Dwayne Johnson: The kid is jacked

Aidy: The dead gets rude

Dwayne Johnson: Then the dead gets smacked!

Sasheer: The Theory of Everything but it’s good looking

[Cut to Dwayne Johnson making his ‘The Rock’ eyes.] [music stops]

Computer voice: Can you smell what Stephen Hawking is cooking?

[mus starts]

Back up singers: Franchise, franchise
franchise, franchise

Dwayne Johnson: Franchise Viagra!

[money raining on them]

Whoo! We have got a great show for you tonight. George Ezra is in the house. So, stick around. We will be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Dinner Date

Venessa Bayer

Jin… Kenan Thompson

Judy… Dwayne Johnson

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Venessa and Jin having dinner together at a restaurant]

Venessa: Jin, this dinner was amazing. What a perfect anniversary.

Jin: Oh, anything for you sweetheart.

[Judy and Jemma walk to Venessa and Jin]

Judy: Oh, ho! Oh, my god! Jin, this is crazy! You recognize me?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

This is nuts. I feel like just got F-ed in my brain without protection.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Uh, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having trouble placing you.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Judy Duty. Remember? We sent that guy to the chair together.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Oh, yeah.

Venessa: You sent a guy to the chair?

Jin: Well, I didn’t want to. I just needed it to end.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Ay, can we join you? Oh, we should. Oh, by the way, this is my girlfriend, Jemma. She’s British. Ay, but don’t get a boner when she talks, huh?

Jemma: [in British accent] Babe, don’t tuck me out so much. I’m Jemma. Okay, babe, let’s sit. I’m so hungry.

Judy: Scoot over lady. You got pretty of space. I don’t want to crunch him in and pop the bones back out your back.

Jemma: Okay, gross! Picturing you like that.

Judy: Oh, I’m sorry babe. I’m such a big bag of freaking meat balls. Ay, did I introduce you to my girl?

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma.

Venessa: Yes, we did this.

Judy: Yeah, yeah. She’s British. Tell em’ who you used to date.

Jemma: Footballers.

Judy: Isn’t that hot? Footballers. Makes you think about what she might do with her foot to you boy. Isn’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um…

Jemma: Babe! I want some nibble. Get some babe.

Judy: Oh, she means apps. She says nibbles. Hey, say it again.

Jemma: Nibbles.

Judy: A-ha-ha-ha. I’m as hard as a door knob right now. You know what I mean? You Jin? How about you?

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Umm… um…

Venessa: You’re not hard, are you Jin?

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Well, we need the apps. Where is the app guy? Where is the guy? The apps guy. We’re starving.

Jemma: Nibbles.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: We’re actually just finishing dessert and we were about to head home.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Yeah, it’s a bone, right? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ain’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um, possibly.

Jemma: Nibbles. I want nibbles now.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Ay, you guys have heard about onion rings? You gonna love em’.

[Waiter comes by]

Ay, you! How much are the onion rings? Like 25 cents a ring, right?

Waiter: We don’t really do it that way.

Jemma: Let’s get 200s.

Judy: Ha-ha. Babe, that’s like $800.

Jemma: Yeah, we can split it with them.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: Oh, no.

Jin: No.

[Cut to Judy, Jemma and Waiter]

Judy: Ay, yeah. Cool. Give me 200 onion rings, split it four ways. And quick checking out my girlfriend’s rack, hah!

Waiter: Okay.

Jemma: Babe, knock it off. [Cut to everybody] Quit being a mob.

Judy: She’s being shy. Isn’t that great? Is your’s shy? What’s her name?

Venessa: My name is–

Judy: No, no, no, no. I asked him. Ay, is she shy?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Women have to stand out girl power.

Judy: Ay, my girl likes your girl. They should be best friends now, right? Hey, do you wanna be best friends with that girl?

Jemma: Yeah, I really think so.

Judy: Jin, are you crazy stiff right now? I mean, that’s our girlfriends right. They’re like, best friends.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: You guys, it has been great running into you. But–

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you know what? She’s a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer. I’ve got a song called banana.

Judy: It’s a crazy hot club song. Imagine the track in the background.

[Judy starts banging on the sofa and Jemma starts singing.]

Jemma: [singing] Going out with my girls tonight

having fun with my girls tonight

big banana, long banana, short banana, white banana

let’s get bananas

five, four, three, two, banana.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin] Judy: Wow, how good was that?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: If you don’t have a boner right now, you should just kill yourself.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Nah, I’m good.

Venessa: Does that mean you have one?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter brings in the onion rings in a huge tray.]

Judy: Whoa! Hang on here. Hang on.! Who is this guy? Who is this guy looking at us like this?

Waiter: I’m your waiter. Remember? You just ordered 200 onion rings.

[Waiter puts the tray on the table]

Judy: You know what? I think you wanna kiss my girlfriend right in front of me. Like, I’m the joke of the day. I’ve got something for you. Come here.

[Judy pulls Waiter byhis collar and smashes his head on the table. Waiter faints.]

Jemma: Babe, is this an onion ring? That’s not what I thought. I don’t like this. It’s like, all onion. I can’t have onion.

Judy: Oh, well now what?

Jemma: Let’s give them to her.

[Cut to Venessa an Jin]

Jin: Yeah, she’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Yeah, yeah. We’ll just all hang out while she eats all these onion rings. And then when she’s done, then we’ll all leave.

Jemma: [clapping] Eat em’. Eat em’ up!

[Cut to everybody

Jin: Yeah. Start eating please.

[Venessa eats one onion ring]

Jemma: One! [claps] [Venessa eats another onion ring]

Two! [claps] [cheers and applause]

Cooking With Paul

Paul Montane… Kenan Thompson

Mitch… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with Cooking with Paul intro]

Female voice: And now, it’s time for Cooking with Paul. [Cut to Paul cooking in the kitchen] Paul Montane is a James Beard Award winning chef. And a three times convicted sex offender.

Paul: Well, hello there folks. Today, we’re gonna be cooking my famous garlic mashed potatoes and rosemary time chicken. With me as always is my sidekick Mitch.

[Mitch walks in]

Mitch: I’m not your sidekick, Paul I’m your probation officer.

Paul: We do banter though, don’t we?

[Mitch stares at Paul]

Okay. Now, let’s start cooking. The first thing you need to do is boil some water. You gotta put the pot on the stove. Turn on the gas. That’s gonna take about five minutes. So, you gotta little time to kill. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet, check out some chat rooms.

Mitch: No, no, no, no. You are not allowed on the internet, Paul.

Paul: Okay. So, now we’re gonna sprinkle a little rosemary onto our chicken. That’s right. We’re gonna go ahead and pour on our saute onions. Yeah, I like that. Now, we’re gonna place that whole pan in the oven. Turn it up to 400 degrees and wait for it to turn brown.

[Paul puts the chicken in the over]

Okay, now you let that sit for about 30 minutes. Got a little time. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet and meet a couple of buddies?

Mitch: No, Paul. Hell no.

Paul: I’m not doing anything. I’m just looking at Master Chef Junior.

Mitch: Those are not chefs, Paul

Paul: Okay. Now, let’s check on our pot of water. It’s boiling. So we need to put in the potatoes. Okie, dokie. [Paul puts the potatoes n the pot] We’re gonna let these sit for about four minutes. So we got a little time.

Mitch: No!

Paul: Pop around on the internet and meet some folks.

Mitch: No, no, no. That’s it. I’m taking this computer away.

Paul: Okay. [Paul takes out another computer] Dip, dip, dip.

Mitch: Paul! Paul!

Paul: Oh! Oh! Oh, no! I accidentally set it to 4,000 degrees instead of 400.

[smoke is coming out of the oven.]

Mitch: Dammit, Paul. Call the fire department.

[Mitch leaves]

Paul: Okay. Calling the fire department. [Paul takes his phone out and dials a number looking at the computer.] 2125550187.

[talking on the phone]

Hello, Mrs. Henderson. Is Billy at home?

Mitch: Paul! Paul! Hang up the phone.

[Mitch comes in with a fire extinguisher and uses it in the oven.]

Paul: Mitch! You are no fun.

Mitch: Well, I’m not paid to be fun, Paul.

Paul: Well, that makes me sad you saying that.

Mitch: Well, it makes me sad that you hit it out in the well of a porter party just to take pictures of people’s butts.

Paul: Okay. Now, you know, let’s get our ingredients together. We’re going to put in our butter here. And then we’re gonna dump in some of this on top of that. Then we go on a computer and go to your favorite site–

Mitch: No, no! No!

Paul: Okay!

[The timer clock tings]

Well, that’s all the time we have. We didn’t finish cooking the meal. But let’s all close our eyes and imagine what it tastes like.

[Mitch closes his eyes] [Paul runs away]

Mitch: Hey, get back here!

Brogaine

Kyle Mooney

Abraham… Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Cashier… Kenan Thompson

Dr. Erkhart… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with a house party] [Kyle sees Abraham. He’s wearing a cap.]

Kyle: Yo, Abraham! You’re up? Keg stand!

Abraham: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Abraham doing the keg stand and Kyle and Pete holding his legs.]

Everybody: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

[Abraham finishes the drink and stand up. His cap falls off. He’s bald.]

Abraham: Whoo! Whoo!

[Everyone is looking him in awkward way]

What?

Pete: Abraham. Are you bald?

[Cut to Abraham denying.]

Abraham: No!

[Abraham runs out of the crowd and sits on the stairs alone.] [Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Hey! Sorry about back there.

Abraham: It just sucks. No one wants to be the bald guy in the frat.

Kyle: I know. That’s why I use this.

[Kyle hands over a box to Abraham]

Abraham: Brogaine? For college age guys?

Kyle: You know, I was like you once.

[Cut to Kyle when he was bald walking to the college.]

Honestly, I felt like a creep around campus.

[Cut to Sasheer walking smiling. But when she sees Kyle, she makes her face salty.]

I couldn’t even get anyone to check my fake ID.

[Cut to bald Kyle buying a liquor. He tries to show the cashier his ID.]

Cashier: Oh, that’s not necessary, sir. [talking to another customer] Young man, have your ID out and ready.

[Cut to an old man standing beside Kyle.]

Kyle: That’s when my doctor told me about Brogaine.

[Cut to the doctor who is also bald.]

He explained pretty much your balding can be caused by stress brought on by things like midterms, nerds, think your frat dog may be alcoholic and you chanted the N-word in a viral video. The Brogaine helps fight hair loss by combining the hair growing properties of Minoxidil with other useful chemicals like creatine, vicodin and bud heavy.

[Cut to Kyle and Abraham]

Abraham: Wow, so it really does work, huh?

[The doctors walks in. He has very long hair.]

Dr. Erkhart: Ha-ha. It worked for me.

Kyle: Dr. Erkhart?

Dr. Erkhart: [looking at the party] So, um, we doing this?

Male voice: Brogaine, it’s nice!