Trump Easter Cold Open

Jesus… Mikey Day

Judas… Molly Kearney

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Male voice: Easter, the celebration of the resurrected Christ. The Bible tells us Jesus travelled to Jerusalem for Passover where his radical message of peace and love enraged the authorities. In the coming days he will be arrested, tried and executed. This he tells his disciples on their final evening together, a meal we will come to call ‘the Last Supper.’

Jesus: My friends, and Judas, hear me now for soon I will leave you and join my Father in heaven.

Bowen: We cannot lose your Jesus, we will protect you.

Andrew: They will never find you, Jesus.

Jesus: Alas, one of you will betray me.

Bowen: Oh, no.

Judas: What?

Jesus: It is foretold. Though I have committed no crime, I will be arrested, tried and found guilty.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Sound familiar? Thank you so much. A famous, wonderful man arrested for no reason at all. If you haven’t put it together, folks, I’m comparing myself to Jesus again. And what better time than on his birthday, Easter? As we speak, I am being persecuted on a level the likes of which the world has never seen even worse than the late great Jesus. You know, many people are saying we’re very similar. We’re both very tall, very popular, and both frankly, white Americans. You know, Jesus did some incredible things. Some would call them miracles, in terms of fish, and with regard to bread. Lots of fish and bread. He rose from the dead on the third day, I would have done it faster, possibly two days. I think we could have done it a lot faster. But he had a good mind for business. Water into wine, pure profit. And he had big, big rallies just like me. And a lot of his followers got in big, big trouble just like mine. All because I told them exactly what Jesus would have said, “Get very violent and start a war.” And I’ve even got my very own Judas, Ron DeSantis. Ron DeSantis came to me tears in his eyes. He said, “Help me Mr. Trump, I’m gonna lose my election.” So I very generously pretended to like him. And then he did a Judas. And now he can’t even get the gays out of Disney World. It’s an awkward time.

Look at these guys back here. You just have to sit here frozen while I talk. Can you believe that? Mr. Jesus, quite a guy. But now people are saying perhaps I’m even better than Jesus because I’m a self made billionaire. And Christ was, let’s call it what it is, a Nepo baby. Okay? I mean, his dad was God. It’s pretty easy to start a religion when your dad is God. He did Good Friday. I said, “Why don’t make it great. We can make it great.” With me. We’ll be doing great Friday, perhaps even TGI Fridays? With the stuff on the walls and everything.

But we love Easter. We love hiding the egg, don’t we folks? We love hiding the little eggs. You know, I have many beautiful eggs from my time at the White House. And now the Department of Justice is saying Where are the eggs? We need the eggs back. But I hid them. They’re my eggs. They’re my eggs to take, okay?

So tomorrow I will eat by Easter hamburger with my family, or hopefully not. And then after that, they will come to me locked me away. Because just like Jesus, all I did was be friendly to a sex worker and now they want to put me in jail. But who knows folks? Maybe prison will make me even more popular like that guy back there. Jesus of Azkaban, that guy. Jesus of Azkaban, he’s called. And that is the story of Easter. Happy birthday, Jesus. Look at the fingers. He’s stuck doing the fingers the whole time. Weird choice with the fingers. Look at Jesus. So Happy Hanukkah too, all the pass overs. And all the Ramadan too. We love to say Ramadan? That’s right. But mostly, happy Easter because we like Jesus, right? Still frozen with the little hand. They’re not even gonna get to see the big line. Maybe if you break a big political character, you can see the big line. I’m going to do it by myself right now. So Happy Easter and live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Smokery Farm’s Easter Meats

Colin Jost

Vaneta… Kate McKinnon

Wylene… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and millions of Americans will celebrate with traditional Easter meal. But it can be hard to adapt those recipes for vegetarians. Here with their tips are the owners of Smokery Farms meat delivery service, Wilene and Vaneta Starkie.

[Vaneta and Wylene slide in] [cheers and applause]

Hi, ladies. Welcome.

Wylene: Now, Colin, we know Easter’s for people who have sworn off meat.

Vaneta: Yes. Some folks think it’s too sad to eat animals because they see heartwarming videos like, “Girl learns math from smart goat.”

Wylene: Yeah. Or, “Smart pig knits sweater for cold goose.”

Vaneta: You know, every time duck takes a nap at the foot of a toddler’s bed, we lose a customer.

Wylene: Yeah. But instead of going vegan, you should buy your meat from us. Because we only serve meat from animals that genuinely deserve to be killed.

Vaneta: That’s right. Our grade A Eater meats come from creatures who are individually certified as the meanest, nastiest, freaky-dicky, most ruthless jerks in the barn yard.

Wylene: Here. We can show you.

[they pull out a bucket of meat]

Vaneta: Oh, yes. Like that.

Wylene: Oh my god! Keeping nice and high. I love this. I love this and I want to eat this. Of course. What a gorgeous stinky bounty.

Vaneta: My mouth is watering. My eyes are watering.

Wylene: I’ll tell you what. I’m about to eat this sashimi style. And the front row [pointing at the audience] looks pretty hungry for this too. They’re horny for a bite. Now look, Some pigs are emotionally intelligent enough to cry real tears. But not this one. This spiral ham comes from a little creep who bites fingers and shoves kids hard and far. So, feel no guilt when you slice this ass and feed them to your grandma.

Vaneta: Now, nothing more innocent than a sweet and tender lamb, right? Wrong. This lamb went to a plantation wedding a week ago and then she posted a bunch of photos and was like, “What? It’s just history.” So, go ahead and smear it’s ignorant legs with mint jelly.

Wylene: Now, female hams are naturally very sweet. Well, these eggs came from a ham who contributed to a toxic work environment.

Vaneta: She’s always hanging out with the roosters talking about how hens are crazy.

Wylene: Umm-umm. Okay, now. Maybe you’re thinking about the blood of Christ. Well, how about the blood of Chris, okay? An extremely rude steer. I mean, maybe you drink this or something. It’s an extremely rude steer who takes videos of fat, poorly dressed old people and send them to the group chat like, “Ha-ha.”

Vaneta: Now, this can sound fake but I swear to god, this here veal yanks on the subway.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry but I’m having a hard time believing these stories.

Wylene: You’re ham-free, Colin?

Colin Jost: I don’t know about that.

Wylene: You wanna put your hands on it?

Vaneta: You wanna touch that raw meat?

[Vaneta pushes the bucket towards Colin] [Wylene holds Colin’s hand and puts his hand on the meat]

Wylene: Go ahead. Let me help you. Put your hand on that sweet ham.

Vaneta: He did it.

Wylene: The basket’s wet too, baby.

Vaneta: Really wet under here.

Wylene: He’s a little nervous because his boss was watching, but he did it.

Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.

Vaneta and Wylene: Happy Easter.