Vaneta… Kate McKinnon
Wylene… Aidy Bryant[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and millions of Americans will celebrate with traditional Easter meal. But it can be hard to adapt those recipes for vegetarians. Here with their tips are the owners of Smokery Farms meat delivery service, Wilene and Vaneta Starkie.[Vaneta and Wylene slide in] [cheers and applause]
Hi, ladies. Welcome.
Wylene: Now, Colin, we know Easter’s for people who have sworn off meat.
Vaneta: Yes. Some folks think it’s too sad to eat animals because they see heartwarming videos like, “Girl learns math from smart goat.”
Wylene: Yeah. Or, “Smart pig knits sweater for cold goose.”
Vaneta: You know, every time duck takes a nap at the foot of a toddler’s bed, we lose a customer.
Wylene: Yeah. But instead of going vegan, you should buy your meat from us. Because we only serve meat from animals that genuinely deserve to be killed.
Vaneta: That’s right. Our grade A Eater meats come from creatures who are individually certified as the meanest, nastiest, freaky-dicky, most ruthless jerks in the barn yard.
Wylene: Here. We can show you.[they pull out a bucket of meat]
Vaneta: Oh, yes. Like that.
Wylene: Oh my god! Keeping nice and high. I love this. I love this and I want to eat this. Of course. What a gorgeous stinky bounty.
Vaneta: My mouth is watering. My eyes are watering.
Wylene: I’ll tell you what. I’m about to eat this sashimi style. And the front row [pointing at the audience] looks pretty hungry for this too. They’re horny for a bite. Now look, Some pigs are emotionally intelligent enough to cry real tears. But not this one. This spiral ham comes from a little creep who bites fingers and shoves kids hard and far. So, feel no guilt when you slice this ass and feed them to your grandma.
Vaneta: Now, nothing more innocent than a sweet and tender lamb, right? Wrong. This lamb went to a plantation wedding a week ago and then she posted a bunch of photos and was like, “What? It’s just history.” So, go ahead and smear it’s ignorant legs with mint jelly.
Wylene: Now, female hams are naturally very sweet. Well, these eggs came from a ham who contributed to a toxic work environment.
Vaneta: She’s always hanging out with the roosters talking about how hens are crazy.
Wylene: Umm-umm. Okay, now. Maybe you’re thinking about the blood of Christ. Well, how about the blood of Chris, okay? An extremely rude steer. I mean, maybe you drink this or something. It’s an extremely rude steer who takes videos of fat, poorly dressed old people and send them to the group chat like, “Ha-ha.”
Vaneta: Now, this can sound fake but I swear to god, this here veal yanks on the subway.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry but I’m having a hard time believing these stories.
Wylene: You’re ham-free, Colin?
Colin Jost: I don’t know about that.
Wylene: You wanna put your hands on it?
Vaneta: You wanna touch that raw meat?[Vaneta pushes the bucket towards Colin] [Wylene holds Colin’s hand and puts his hand on the meat]
Wylene: Go ahead. Let me help you. Put your hand on that sweet ham.
Vaneta: He did it.
Wylene: The basket’s wet too, baby.
Vaneta: Really wet under here.
Wylene: He’s a little nervous because his boss was watching, but he did it.
Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.
Vaneta and Wylene: Happy Easter.