Eddie Murphy Monologue

Eddie Murphy

Tracy Morgan

Chris Rock

Dave Chappelle

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Eddie Murphy!

[band playing music] [Eddie Murphy walks to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Audience: Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. It’s great to be back here, finally hosting “Saturday Night Live” for Christmas. [cheers and applause] This is the last episode of 2019, if you’re black, it is the first episode since I left back in 1984. It has been really long time. Here’s actually a picture of me back when I started.

[Cut to old picture of Eddie Murphy] [Cut to Eddie Murphy on stage]

Wow, I look at least five years younger there. You know what they say, money don’t crack. But so much has changed. I just had a new baby incidentally about a year ago. [cheers and applause] I actually have 10 kids now. 11, if you count Kevin Hart. I’m teasing. I love Kevin Hart so much but my kids are my whole life now. And if you would have told me 30 years ago that I would be this boring stay at home, you know, father of 10 house dad and Bill Cosby would be in jail, I would have took that bet. “Who is America’s dad now?” I also have a movie on Netflix called “Dolomite Is My Name.” And we just finished a sequel to “Coming to America” as well. And if you’re wondering why I’ve been working so hard lately, it’s because 10 kids are very expensive.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Yo!

Eddie Murphy: Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.

Tracy Morgan: Welcome home.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah! Its good to be here.

Tracy Morgan: You knew I wasn’t gonna miss this show for all the tea in Arizona. Did you get the sketch I wrote for you?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah. The Jimmy Walker story.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! It’s called Dy-no-mite Is My Name.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah. I don’t know if we’re going to do that, Dy-no-mite Is My Name.

Tracy Morgan: Well, whatever you need, I got your back. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. Like, literally, I was conceived on the “Delirious” tour bus.

Eddie Murphy: You know, that math doesn’t really add up.

[Chris Rock walks in]

Chris Rock: He, hey, man.

[cheers and applause]

Eddie Murphy: Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen. Chris Rock, what are you doing here?

Chris Rock: Common man, I would not miss this show for the world. My kids love Lizzo.

[audience laughing]

Eddie Murphy: Hey! My kids love Lizzo too.

Chris Rock: Okay but, did you get my sketch?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah, that “Law and Order” UTI sketch?

Chris Rock: Yeah, yeah. Instead of ice tea, it’s cranberry juice.

Eddie Murphy: That sounds kind of nasty for a Christmas show.

[Dave Chapelle walks in]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, hey.

[cheers and applause]

Eddie Murphy: Dave Chapelle! Dave Chappelle’s ladies and gentlemen. What a moment. What a moment we’re having.

Dave Chappelle: Well, did you get my sketch?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah!

Dave Chappelle: It’s the one where TI has the drive through gynecology clinic.

Eddie Murphy: I don’t get it.

Dave Chappelle: It’s stupid. He just says stuff like, “I will check your Hammond expeditiously.” You know, I followed your blue print for my entire career.

Eddie Murphy: Did you?

Dave Chappelle: Yeah, yeah. Became the biggest staron television. And then I quit.

Eddie Murphy: Oh, all right. [4 takes a cigarette out and lights it] Hey, I did not know you could smoke on stage.

Dave Chappelle: You can’t.

Eddie Murphy: Oh! See, this is why I came back to “Saturday Night Live,” for moments like this. When was the last time we was all together like this?

Chris Rock: Last Thursday at Sinbad’s house.

Dave Chappelle: Right, man. Oh, you’re looking at half of Netflix’s budget right here.

Chris Rock: Thanks, Netflix.

Eddie Murphy: Thanks, Netflix.

Tracy Morgan: Not me, not me. I made all my money on the road.

Eddie Murphy: You mean touring?

Tracy Morgan: No, I got hit by a truck.

Eddie Murphy: Okay. Well, I’m glad you’re all here to support me. And I appreciate it.

Dave Chappelle: That’s the least we can do, man.

Chris Rock: That’s right. I remember when I got hired, Lorne told me, “You’re gonna be the next Eddie Murphy.” And then a year later, he said, “No, you’re not.”

[Beck Bennett walks in]

Beck Bennett: You said it, Chris Rock. And just to piggy back–

[Kenan Thompson walks in and pushes Beck Bennett away]

Kenan Thompson: No, we’re good on that.

[cheers nd applause]Sorry about that fellas. Please continue.

Chris Rock: Who the hell was that?

Tracy Morgan: Joe Piscopo.

Eddie Murphy: Hey, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Lizzo is here.

[cheers and applause]

I’m back. Don’t turn the channel. We’ll be right back.

Holiday Baking Championship

Alex Moffat

Claudia… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Mitch… Eddie Murphy

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Holiday Baking Championship intro]

Announcer: We now return to the holiday baking championship.

[Cut to the show]

Host: All right, Bakers. It’s time to show your holiday creations to the judges. Today’s theme was Christmas past. You had to hours to make cakes based on childhood memories. First up is home baker, Claudia.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Hi judges, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Merry Christmas to you. Sweetie, why don’t you tell us what you made today.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: My cake is a tribute to my father who gave my daughter her favorite Christmas memory by taking her to see the movie Frozen. So my cake is beautiful Elsa made from peppermint sponge cake. And her hair do is made from over Host,000 braided strands of icing. And I’m not gonna ‘let it go’ because I want to win.

[Cut to Ego and Beck]

Ego: Wow. That sounds very ambitious. Let’s see your cake.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: With pleasure.

[Claudia reveals her cake. It looks horrible.]

Ego: Claudia!

Claudia: Yeah. Now that it’s in the light, I see that it’s bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Yeah, sweetie, it kind of looks like it has some kind of DNA problem.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: I would love to say that’s intentional.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: Well, let’s taste it.

[the judges take a bite]

Beck: Oh, is there garlic in this?

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Probably. At one point I blacked out and I started making pasta. Just forget it. It’s bad. I’m bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! That’s unfortunate. Next up is Mitch.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here. I want to say that you look so much more attractive in person.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Thanks. Who’s your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: My children have grown up in Napa. One of my favorite memory is playing video games on Christmas mornings. So cake is that speedy rascal Sonic the Hedgehog. It is made from royal icing and the shoes are made from hot cinnamon and the speed lines are red licorice.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Wow, really interesting flavor profile.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I only get one shot at this and I didn’t want to hedgehog my bets.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I love that you came to play. Let’s see it.

[Mitch reveals his cake. It looks horrible and its brown in color.]

Beck: Good god, Mitch.

Mitch: That’s bad. It’s gross. Real bad.

Ego: What went wrong?

Mitch: I think I just made a lot of bad choices. I mean in general in my life.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And why is it brown, Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I don’t know. Why is anything brown?

[Cut o Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Land are those human teeth in its mouth?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s correct. The teeth are human.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, hopefully things went better for you.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: No complaints. My Christmas memory is watching Frosty with my grandma. And here he is, all come to life.

[Sandy reveals her cake. It looks really good.]

So what do you think?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: That’s frosty all right.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? Hang on. My cake is definitely better than his. I mean, look. It’s on fire!

[Cut to Mitch’s cake. Its literally on fire.]

Mitch: Is that true? I think it is trying to kill itself.

[the cake is speaking something] [Cut to the judges]

Ego: I’m sorry, Mitch. What is that language it’s speaking?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s some evil backwards devil talk. I believe I opened up a portal and I am so bad at baking.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Should we destroy it?

[Cut to Mitch’s cake speaking in old lady voice]

Mitch’s cake: No. Please don’t hurt me. I love you.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: What is that voice?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: It is in your grandmother’s voice to trick and you drag you to hell.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: That’s very disturbing. At least you took risks.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Excuse me?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Ralph. What is your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My favorite Christmas memory is Cinderella.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: That doesn’t quite make sense but let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. The castle looks like penis.] [Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Festive but what are those things on the side?

[cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s her penis castle, of course. That’s where Cinderella goes when she’s tired from all the balls.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Well, we have another tough decision to make.

[Cut to Sandy and Mitch]

Sandy: That’s incorrect.

[Mitch’s cake speaks something]

Mitch: Thank you pal, we can still win this thing.

[Cut to Host]

Host: We’ll be back the judge’s decision right after this.

Weekend Update: Gumby Returns

Colin Jost

Gumby… Eddie Murphy

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Meanwhile, senator Mitch McConnell fresh off his cameo in the new Star Wars movie, he responded to Pelosi’s delay in sending the articles of impeachment saying, “Hey, fine with me.”

Gumby: Hold, stop the press right now.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

[Gumby walks in] [cheers and applause]

Gumby: What the hell is going on here? Give me a chair. I wanna sit down here, you bastard.

Colin Jost: Ladies and gentlemen, its Gumby!

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: They know who the hell it is. I am Gumby, dammit!

[Cut to Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What are you doing here?

Gumby: What am I doing here? The question, Michael Che, is how the hell are you going to put on a show and not have me in the show until now? I should have been in the every damn sketch from the top. [Cut to Gumby] I am the one that made Eddie Murphy a star. He was just a regular corn boy till I saw him.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby, and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, we just thought people wouldn’t know who you were.

Gumby: How the hell are people not gonna know who I am? I am Gumby, dammit! [Cut to Gumby] Let me tell you something. I saved this damn show from the gutter. And this is the thanks that I get for saving the show? Shame on you Lorne Michaels. Shame on you NBC. Shame on you.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Alrignt. Gumby, just calm down.

Gumby: Don’t tell me to calm down, trailer boy. [Michael Che laughing] [Cut to Gumby] I got to listen to this black bastard telling me that people won’t remember who I am? Do you know why you two are behind this desk? Because your jokes don’t have legs, you Schmucks.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che] I pass kidney stones with more personality than the two of you.

Michael Che: That’s a little rude.

Gumby: Face it, kid. Both of you together couldn’t Velcro my sneakers.

Michael Che: Well, you’re not exactly a Christmas character.

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: What the hell do you mean I’m not a Christmas character? Look at me! I’m green. I’m green and all the children love me. The kids love me. I’m a Christmas character, you jerk.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che. Gumby had a cigar in his hand.]

Colin Jost: Hey, Gumby. I just want to point out. You’re not allowed–

Gumby: Give me a match, I want to smoke this cigar.

Colin Jost: Yeah, you’re not allowed to smoke in here.

Gumby: Don’t tell me not to smoke, headshot. [Cut to Gumby] I do what I want to do. I am Gumby, dammit. I am Gumby. I want to smoke a Cigar, I smoke a cigar. [Cut top Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che] I smoke a cigar!

Michael Che: What about your horse, pokey?

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: You have the nerve to sit there and bring up the name pokey? He’s in the glue factory for all I care. I don’t believe this. I make my triumph of return, and you’re talking about a can of dog food? How did you even get this job? What? You win a radio contest or something?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: I guess you’re not enjoying the show then, huh?

Gumby: No, that’s not true. I did enjoy some of the show. I liked that sing– What’s the tush.

Colin Jost: You mean Lizzo.

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: Yeah, That Libbo who, huzza, buzza, pubba. I like her. She’s a real beauty. And you know, colored girls don’t usually do that for me.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Gumby. That’s extremely prejudice.

Gumby: Hey! Don’t you try to make me out to be a racist, Che. You black bastard. I am, Gumby.

Michael Che: So you want to stay out here or what?

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: No. I have to get going. It’s too late now. You should have used me. You waste me. I’m going. I’m an old man. I got to get to bed because I got to get up early and take my morning dump.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Gumby, everybody!

Gumby: I am Gumby, and in the morning I take a dump.

Michael Che: I know.

Gumby: I am staying here. Don’t pack me you bastard, I’m staying. The people love to see me. All right, all right, I’ll go.

Colin Jost: Gumby, everyone!

Black Jeopardy Velvet Jones

Darnel Haze… Kenan Thompson

Rashad… Chris Redd

Kiannah… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Velvet Jones… Eddie Murphy

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Announcer: This is Black Jeopardy!

[Cut to the game show] [cheers and applause]

Darnel Haze: Alright, what up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only jeopardy that started some time between 8 and 9 o’clock. I’m your host Darnel Haze. Our contestants today are Rashad.

[Cut to Rashad] Rashad: What’s cracking?

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Kiannah!

[Cut to Kiannah]

Kiannah: Hey!

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: And Mr. Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Hi, I’m Velvet Jones.

[cheers and applause]

Darnel Haze: It says here you’re the founder of the Velvet Jones School of Technology.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: That’s right. I show ladies how to start their own business making up to $Darnel Haze,500 a week with my number one best seller, [Mr. Velvet Jones takes a book out] I want to be a ho.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Okay. Mr. Jones, this is not an infomercial and it is a little early to be talking that spicy. But, let’s take a look at our categories.

We got [Cut to the game screen] “My last nerve”, “Go on ahead then”, “I ain’t wanna say nothing but”, “I’m on break”, “What you not gonna do”, and there is always “White people.”

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Alright, Rashad, you’re our returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: Let’s go with “What you’re not going to do” for Rashad00.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: Your white friend wants to give you an elf on the shelf.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Rashad]

Darnel Haze: Rashad.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: What it is, what you not gonna do is put a holiday snitch in my house.

Darnel Haze: That’s it. The only thing I want watching me is Jesus. All right. Rashad, it’s your pick.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: Let’s stick with “What you’re not going to do.”

Darnel Haze: Alright, the answer there.

[Cut to the game screen] They say your neighbor paid $Kiannah00 for pole dancing classes.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Oh, Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: What a shame. Why spend good money on classes when you can do it for half the price in my basement? It’s all in my new book entitled, “How the Dance like a ho.”

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Well, good try, Mr. Jones. On this show we say women. You understand that, right?

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Yes. Mmm, women.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Alright, well, then it’s your turn.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Let’s go to I ain’t wanna do say nothing.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: Okay. Oh, we got a time and a half question. [Cut to Darnel Haze] This one is worth time and a half. All right. Here’s the picture.

[Cut to a picture of Grinch running in a coat]

It’s just elf running around acting like a cat nap.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Kiannah]

Darnel Haze: Kiannah.

[Cut to Kiannah]

Kiannah: What is, I ain’t wanna say nothing but movies can stay white.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Yeah, that’s right. Diversity should happen.

[Cut to the contestants]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Ha-ha. That man looks ridiculous. How is he supposed to wear — where is his three piece suit and his tiny gold chain and hi long hair? How will he ever attract good ho?

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Mr. Jones, folks on the internet are going to be upset if you keep talking like that. All right, Kiannah. It’s your pick. Let’s go to my last nerve for Rashad00.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: All right, the answer. Your girlfriend says she gotta work overtime because the holidays.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: What a wonderful opportunity for this young lady to go into business for herself. Personally, I think there’s nothing more sexy than a woman who makes her own money. And she can learn to do that with my new book entitled —

[cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Please don’t say, “Be a ho.”

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: I was not. This is called, “Ass for cash.” It is well known fact that shaking your greezy ass in front of strangers can net you up to $Darnel Haze,500 a week. It’s as simple as that.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Velvet, you know about “me too,”right?

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Of course. You like hos? Me, too.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to show screen]

Announcer: Thanks, Darnel. Today’s black jeopardy winner will receive crab legs. It wouldn’t be mother’s day without crab legs. And by he funny pet adoption central. “Don’t go you near that dog. He funny.” And from the family of products put some water in them. Everything from spaghetti sauce to hand soap. Want more? Put some water in it. Back to you Darnel.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Yeah, put that water in it. All right. Mr. Jones. The board is still yours.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Let’s try, “What you not gonna do” for 600.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: All right. Your niece shows up for Christmas dinner in a cut off top.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Alright, Velvet Jones, and be careful.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: It’s okay. I understand. What you not gonna do is judge this woman. It’s Rashad0Darnel Haze9 and she has every right to be sexy and to show off her beauty. She is independent and she can make her own money. She doesn’t need to have sex with anyone.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Well! That’s very nice. Welcome to the modern era, Mr. Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Yeah. And it’s all in my new book entitled, “How to be an Instagram ho.”  And make  $500 a week from the comfort of your own bedroom being a strong independent Instagram ho.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: I got to say, you got a point, Mr. jones.

[music playing]

♪ always and forever ♪ >>

Darnel Haze: Well, the sound of the last dance at a black prom means that we are out of time. Let’s take a break and delete Mr. Velvet’s twitter account. But we’ll see ya’ll in a minute.

Cut for Time Aidy Bizzo & Lizzo

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Eddie Murphy

Michael Che

[Starts with three colleagues conversing]

Aidy Bryant: It’s so cool that Lizzo was on the show this week.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: I know, she’s so confident.

Kate McKinnon: She embraces her raw sexual power.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: We can do that?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Well, yeah! Lizzo does it because she knows she’s a Aidy Bryant00% that bitch.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah! Why can’t I be Aidy Bryant00% that bitch?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: Aidy! You are.

Kate McKinnon: Ah! You just got to know it like Lizzo does.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah!

[Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney walks in]

Beck Bennett: Oh! You guys talking about Lizzo again? Why can’t we just talk about Rock N’ Roll?

Kyle Mooney: Be cool man!

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Aidy, I like your jacket.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair] Oh! You like this?

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah! It’s cool. You look good.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant] [music playing]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair again] Yes, I damn do! And I can see that you want to taste, don’t you, bitch?

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Hah?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Coz’ you know it’s edible, it’s incredible, and you want to dip your whole damn chip in it.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Aidy, I–

Aidy Bryant: Shh! Be aware. I ain’t no snack at all. In fact baby, I’m the whole damn meal.

[Cut to  and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: Aidy! Are you feeling okay?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, I’m feeling good as hell. Excuse me! [Walks out] [Cut to Aidy Bizzo video bumper] [Cut to Aidy Bryant in the changing room with Bowen Yang.]

Aidy Bryant: I can’t believe we’re doing this show with Eddie freakin’ Murphy hosting. I’m like, so nervous.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: You’re nervous? This is my only first season. At least he knows who you are.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: I don’t think that he does.

[Eddie Murphy walks in]

Eddie Murphy: Hey man! The TV in my dressing room is showing like, snow on all the paid channels.

Bowen Yang: Oh, Mr. Murphy! I’m not actually a maintenance man. It’s just my astronaut costume. But yeah, I can fix it.

[Eddie Murphy looks at Aidy Bryant]

Eddie Murphy: Wait a minute, Aidy! I was just telling Lorne how much I love you in sketches.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant] Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair] Sketches? Bitch I got my own show on Hulu.

[Cut to Eddie Murphy]

Eddie Murphy: Say what?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, I know you love this fat ass. It’s iconic.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: Aidy, you’re talking to a legend.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair again] Well, even legends go to church. So, you need to get to god and you need to thank him for my beautiful fat ass.

[Aidy Bryant walks away] [Cut to Eddie Murphy]

Eddie Murphy: Um, god, I know it’s been a while. But I just want to say thank you for that ass.

[Cut to a video clip where Aidy Bryant posing to a song “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo.] [Cut to Aidy Bryant at the back stage]

Michael Che: So, Aidy. I don’t know if you saw this new script, [Michael Che walks towards Aidy Bryant] but now your head explodes.

Aidy Bryant: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Uh-huh! [Aidy Bryant takes the script from Michael Che and throws it away] [Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Tell me though, when are you gonna let me smang it?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Aidy, I don’t know what that means.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: It means I’m going to sit on your dick so hard that you die.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Aidy, you’re married.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Che, you know I don’t play tag, because I’ve been in it. So, why don’t you take my number and you can go ahead and consider those your last rides, because I’m about to destroy your thing to death.  Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and Michael Che]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, by bitch.

[Aidy goes away on director’s seat] [Cut to a video clip where Aidy Bryant posing to a song “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo.] [Cut to Aidy Bryant twerking on her colleague’s desk.]

Heidy Gardner: Oh, wow! [Cut to Chloe Fineman and Heidy Gardner] She is really going hard.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant twerking] [Cut to Chloe Fineman and Heidy Gardner]

I guess Aidy is still Lizzo-ing, huh?

Chloe Fineman: I wonder how Lizzo feels about it.

[Cut to Lizzo laughing]

Aidy Bryant: Can I be honest about something?

Lizzo: Please bitch, you must.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Sometimes it’s really hard to have an earth shatteringly gorgeous ass. And I smanged Michael to death with it.

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: May he smang in peace.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Do you ever feel like you’re only 90% that bitch?

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: No. But maybe you’re burning the ass of both ins.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yes, totally. Is it me or are we best friends?

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: Yeah! I mean I’m definitely your best friend. And, that’s great for you.

Aidy Bryant: Oh yeah, totally. [Cut to Aidy Bryant] So, I’ll leave you alone.

Lizzo: Yeah!

Aidy Bryant: Thank you so much. Bye.

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: Bye bitch!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant outside]

Aidy Bryant: Lizzo and Aidy, best friends!

Cut for Time Holiday Gig

Treece Hinderson… Kenan Thompson

Spincer Newcheris… Eddie Murphy

Brad Dates… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three guys on stage performing music]

Treece Hinderson: Shoo boo boo doo boo, ooh.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello Mohawk valley. So great to be invited back up state to the Pine River Lodge for the holiday jam. I’m Treece Hinderson, and we are the Treece Hinderson Trio.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Spincer Newcheris nodding his head.]

Spincer Newcheris: We putting the funk back in Mohawk

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: That’s right, baby!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: That’s right. We have a very exciting line of music playing for you. And tonight marks the first night of Hanukkah.

[Cut to all the members]

Spincer Newcheris: The festival of lights.

Brad Dates: Love lights baby.

Treece Hinderson: Yes, we all do. [Cut to Treece Hinderson] Now, before we get started, could I get a pump of gorgons, just one small squirt of gorgon’s lotion. The air is very dry and my hands are trapped. Is there a gorgon’s? Anyone? Surely someone in the audience has some kind of emoluments. Anyone? It could be Burt’s Bees or Vaseline’s. No? Any Nivea? So no lotions? I’ve asked Treece Hinderson0 times and I’m treated to silence. Thank you very much. Let’s hit it.

[Cut to the band.] [band starts playing music] [Treece Hinderson is singing a song]

Treece Hinderson: Ladies and gentlemen, I would not be standing here without the incredible talent that you see behind me. Mr. Brad Dates on jazz clearing at. Brad, you’re Jewish, right?

[cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: I’m a secular humanist treece. [starts playing his trumpet.] [Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: Oh, got it. And, sitting in with us tonight, dear friend and great roommate, Mr. Spincer Newcheris. Are you Jewish?

[Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Nah, man! My gem is uncut.  [starts playing his instrument.] Oh, yeah! Ow!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Hang on, are you okay? Are you in pain?

Spincer Newcheris: What? No, I was just feeling the music Treece.

Treece Hinderson: Oh! I’m sorry. I thought you were feeling pain from that physical problem you’ve been having.

[Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Oh, I don’t know if we’re going to talk about that right now. You know, the fans don’t want to hear about that, Treece.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: But, is it still going on? Have you seen a doctor?

Spincer Newcheris: I will when get some time, bro.

Treece Hinderson: What? I think the time is now. That should not be happening on a daily basis.

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: Boundaries, Treece. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

[Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: But this is his health.

Spincer Newcheris: Dammit, Treece. I’m a grown ass man.

Treece Hinderson: Well, blood shouldn’t be coming out of there ever!

[drums roll and band plays music] [Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: How is everybody tonight?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Worried!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: You’re a little bit worried. But don’t worry. We will light the menorah at midnight.

[Cut to the audience]

Mikey: Actually you light it at sundown but no, not that. We’re worried about Mr. Newcheris’ health issue.

Heidi: We’re imagining the worst.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Now see that, Treece? You started these damn rumors now.

Treece Hinderson: It is not a rumor. You were screaming in agony this morning in the bathroom.

[Cut to the audience]

Mikey: I mean, is it a kidney stone maybe?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: We don’t know what it is because he won’t go to the doctor.

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: Treece, keep your eyes on your own paper, baby.

[Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: I could.

Spincer Newcheris: Ay! Treece! Drop it. [Cut to Spincer Newcheris] Unless you want me to tell them people about the bobby pins you wear up in your head.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Well, that’s just so I can achieve the proper curl. Hit it!

[Drums roll] [Band playing music] [Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: [singing]

Hanukkah this, Hanukkah that
it’s getting cold out, put on your Hanukkah hat

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

We hope everyone is enjoying the show. I’m not. Because of a friend’s stubbornness.] [Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Treece, I swear. [phone ringing] Hold on a second, I got a call. [speaking on the phone] Hello. This is Mr. Newcheris. Dr. Bevins? No, I’m fine. Why do you ask? Treece called you? He sent you a sample of what? A sample from who? From me? Well, how did you get that?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Oh, oh!

Spincer Newcheris: You told him to drain my what from my where? In the night?

Treece Hinderson: Well, it was not fun for me. I’m surprised that you didn’t wake up. I had to gather it. There was a huge amount.

[Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Oh, god! Man, I ain’t never coming to see you again. You sent my room mate into my bedroom while I’m asleep to take some of my personal water?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Ow!

[drums rolls] [music playing] [Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: Now, what is your plan? What happens next.

Spincer Newcheris: Hold on a second. I’mma tell you in private, okay? Everything is fine. I don’t have it no more, baby. Why you putting that mic up on my face?

Treece Hinderson: Oh! Because I wanted to share your good news. So, what happened?

Spincer Newcheris: I passed it in my sleep.

Treece Hinderson: On my pull out bed?

Spincer Newcheris: Yeah! Stop worrying about it, okay?

Treece Hinderson: But my new coyuchi sheets!

Spincer Newcheris: What about your coyuchi sheets?

Treece Hinderson: Well, did you put them into soak?

Spincer Newcheris: No, I just put the bed back together.

Treece Hinderson: Oh! My baby blue coyuchi sheets!

Spincer Newcheris: Hell with coyuchi sheets.

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: Treece, you should be happy, he’s feeling better.

[Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: I’ll be happy when I get some new coyuchi sheets.

[drums roll] [music playing] [Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: Thank you!

Home for the Holidays

Daniel… Eddie Murphy

Brian… Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Donna… Maya Rudolph

Ego Nwodim

Matthew… Mikey Day

[Starts with a family having Christmas dinner]

Daniel: Before we eat, I want to say a few words.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Make it quick, dad. I’m starving.

[other family members laughing] [Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: I will, I will. I just want to thank everyone for being here. And not just the immediate family. I’m talking about all the cousins and their kids and everybody.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That’s how it should be.

Daniel: That’s right, pop. [cut to Daniel] I know everybody is busy with their lives. Their own things they have to do but it means so much that you’re here with us in our home for the holidays.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: That goes for both of us.

[Cut to Daniel and Donna late at night arguing in their room]

Daniel: [yelling] How come your damn sister couldn’t host?

Donna: My sister’s house is a dump, Daniel.

Daniel: You know? I got to pay for all this damn food? Hell no!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: As I have always said, this house is happier when it’s full.

[Cut to Daniel knocking the door at night]

Daniel: [yelling] Get out of the bathroom!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Son, you and Donna have been such gracious hosts. [Cut to Brian and Grandpa] I just hope I haven’t been a nuisance.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night]

Grandpa: [coughing loudly] It’s so damn dry!

[Cut to Daniel and Donna not being able to sleep because of noise Grandpa is making] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Donna: What are you talking about? We love having you here.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Daniel: And of course, this is our first Christmas with our soon to be son-in-law Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew and Ego holding hands]

When you two got engaged, [Cut to Daniel] all of us were just smiling from ear to ear.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: Why cannot I marry him? Because he’s white?

Daniel: [yelling] Yes!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna: Welcome to the family, Matthew.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: You guys are being so racist.

Donna: Damn right we are. No offense Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew just sitting there]

Matthew: None taken.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna:  I’m just embarrassed we have to put you two on the air mattress.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Mom, for the last time, it’s fine.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew]

Matthew: Yeah! It’s actually super comfortable.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew not able to sleep because of uncomfortable bed]

Matthew: [yelling] This sucks!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: And then there is Brian. [Cut to Brian] Back from college. It sure is great to have my boy back home for a few weeks.

Brian: It feels good to be home, dad.

[Cut to Daniel and Brian watching TV. Daniel is using the remote.]

Daniel: I am pushing it.

Brian: That’s channel dad! Not source.

Daniel: But channel is the source.

Brian: No, no. I showed you just yesterday!

Daniel: Just get your useless black ass out of here. I know how to do it. Just go.

[Brian leaves]

Stupid ass! Son, come back in here.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Well, I just want to say as you get older, it all goes that much quicker. We should all cherish this time we all spend together as a family this Christmas. I know I will.

[Cut to Grandpa sleeping on a couch] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Thank you, pop! I could go on. But I know better than to let a meal my wife spent so much time cooking go cold.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: Oh, stop. I just threw it together.

[Cut to Donna panicking at the kitchen]

Donna: No, no, no! [beep] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Anyway, thank you all for being here. And I really mean that.

Narrating: I know it might be a little crowded —

[Cut to children screaming in front of Daniel]

Daniel: This room is off limits. Get off me!

Narrating: And we might even get on each other’s nerves a little bit.

[Cut to Brian and Donna in the kitchen]

Brian: Hey, ma! Do you have any–

Donna: [yelling] No! Whatever it is, no!

Narrating: This is going to make the memories last a lifetime.

[Cut to Ego walking in toilet. Grandpa is already there.]

Grandpa: Um, occupied!

Ego: Grandpa! Lock the door!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Christmas is about family. And I am blessed to spend it with mine. Cheers!

Everybody: Cheers!

Brian: That was beautiful, dad.

Grandpa: Well said, son.

Matthew: That was great, dad.

North Pole News Report

Rick Sugarplum… Alex Moffat

Donnie Chestnut… Mikey Day

Kittle Diddles… Eddie Murphy

Chloe Fineman

Cecily Strong

[Starts with North Pole News intro]

Announcer: This is a North Pole News special report.

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum in his news set.]

Good evening. I’m Rick Sugarplum. Breaking news tonight of an incident which led to a fire at Santa’s workshop in toy production, north. Our own, Donnie is live at the scene.

[Cut to split screen with Rick Sugarplum at left and Donnie Chestnut at right]

Donie, what’s going on and will it affect Christmas?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut]

Donnie Chestnut: Well, Rick, what we know is there was a fire caused by a knocked over licorice lamp as elves were fleeing the workshop. But no word yet as to what they were fleeing from. Still looking for answers here.

[Kittle Diddles comes in running]

Kittle Diddles: I saw the whole thing. I saw the whole thing walking down from the candy can depo. I saw the whole thing.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay, tt looks like we have an eyewitness here. What’s your name sir?

Kittle Diddles: It doesn’t matter what my name is. I’ve seen what happened. A polar bear got into the workshop and started eating elves. I don’t know those elves and I don’t work with those elves are but those elves are gone.

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Hold on. Is this man saying a polar bear got inside the workshop?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut and Kittle Diddles]

Donnie Chestnut: Yes. I believe he is. But there is an electrified fence around the perimeter.

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter about the electrified fence. The bear came right through fence and it looked just like Jurassic Park. it just ran through the fence. These bears are out there and they’re hungry because of global worming, and they smelled that fresh elf meat and wen’t crazy. The bears are coming for us, you all. Ah!

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Well, that’s some troubling news. Any word on who might have been injured?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut]

Donnie Chestnut: Well no, official casualties have been confirmed.

[Kittle Diddles runs in again carrying one human leg in his hand]

Kittle Diddles: I can confirm them now. Look at this leg. I found this lying on the ground down there. They’re dead. Bears are popping elves in their mouths like skittles. Not even chewing. Swallowing elves whole. Party shoes and all! Ah!

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Donnie, looks like this could be far worse than originally thought.

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut and Kittle Diddles]

Donnie Chestnut: Again, Rick, I don’t want to speculate as to how serious it is without official word.

Kittle Diddles: Let me break it down for you. I tell you how bad it is. [Kittle Diddles takes over the mic and goes towards Chloe] This teenage white elf girl ran out to me, a black elf in sweat pants and asked her to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is.

Chloe: My friends are still in there.

Kittle Diddles: Girl, they dead. Where’s Santa? That’s what I want to know. Santa supposed to be here and he’s no where to be found. Christmas is canceled.

Donnie Chestnut: No, it’s not. Please do not announce that, sir. Thanks for the info. What’s your name again in.

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter what my name is.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay, well responses are already pouring in from the magical being community, The tooth ferry via Instagram moments ago. Wings heavy with despair this evening. Sending my thoughts and prayers to the North pole. Some moving words there.

Kittle Diddles: That bitch sounds crazy! We don’t need thoughts and prayers. How about some guns and ammunition? More bears are coming. And they’re eating. We’re up here. We’re defenseless and small and we’re adorable and we’re chew-able.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay. Thank you, sir. We’re good with you. Oh, Rick! [Cecily walks in] Here comes an elf who just emerged from the workshop. Mam!

Cecily: Santa knew. He knew that fence was old and he didn’t replace it because it cost Cecily,000 more gum drops then a wanted. Our pepper mint blood is one your hands.

Kittle Diddles: Listen to this sexy ass elf right here. When polar bear are in town, the fattest man in the north pole is nowhere to be found. He’s MIA, pretty convenient. Don’t you think? We’re just scratching at the surface of this thing. #Santanew.

Donnie Chestnut: Oh, don’t say things like that. Thank you very much. And what is your name again?

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter what my name is. It don’t matter.

Donnie Chestnut: It does matter for our viewers, please.

Kittle Diddles: All right. My name is Kittle Diddles. I don’t like my name. That’s why I don’t like to say.

Donnie Chestnut: Well, thank you Kiddle Diddles. Wait! Rick, I think I hear something. I think it is singing.

Kittle Diddles: Hey, that ain’t no damn singing. That’s a bear!

Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood 2019

Eddie Murphy…Mr. Robinson

Damien…Mikey Day

Mikka…Heidi Gardner

Patrick…Chris Redd

[Mr. Robinson opens the door and enters the room]

♪ It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. ♪

♪ Could you be mine ♪

[Comes downstairs, opens closet & hangs his coat & puts on a yellow jacket]

♪ Would you be mine ♪

♪ I am gone for good but it’s now all right my neighbors are all black but now they white ♪

[Sits on the bench, put shoes on]

♪ So the check cashing place turned into a bank ♪

♪ And the stairs they don’t stink ♪

♪ The white people came and changed everything ♪

♪ But I am still your neighbor.

[Looking at the camera while tying his shoes]

Mr. Robinson: Hey, boys, and girls.

It’s your old pal Mr. Robinson. So much has changed since we last spent some time together.

My neighborhood has gone through so much.

It has gone through something called gentrification. Can you say that?

It’s like a magic trick. White people pay a lot of money and then poof!

All the black people are gone.

But where do they go, boys and girls?

Back to where they come from, of course.

Atlanta. now it’s just me by myself.

You’re all probably wondering how Mr. Robinson can afford to live in this neighborhood.

That’s the word of the day.

[Walks up to ‘Squatter’s Rights’ board]

Mr. Robinson: Squatter’s rights. It’s like finders’ keepers but for other people’s houses.

[Doorbell rings. Eddie Murphy looks excited. Walks up to the stairs, waves at the camera to come]

Mr. Robinson: Who could that be?

Let’s go see, boys and girls.

[Mr. Robinson standing at the door yells]

Mr. Robinson: Who is it?

[Damien speaks from the other side of the door]

Damien: It’s Damien and Mikka from 7 f.

[Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: Damien and Mikka are my new neighbors.

They paid $1.2 million for an apartment where Mr. Robinson’s friend used to cook crack.

Let’s see what they want.

[Eddie Murphy opens the door]

Damien: Hey, Mr. Robinson. Sorry to bother you.

We ordered a new 72-inch Samsung TV and they say it was delivered, but it’s not in the lobby.

We were wondering if you knew anything about that.

[Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: Don’t worry, boys and girls. Mr. Robinson knows just what to

say in situations like this.

[Mr. Robinson yells at Damien & Mikka]

Mr. Robinson: You think I stole your TV cause I’m black?

Damien & Mikka: No! Of course not! [Puts hands on the face & act embarrassed & surprised] [Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: It always works, boys and girls.

Damien: We would never do that.

Mikka: Yeah, no. We’re asking everyone. Not just you.

Damien: Yeah, I’m sorry we gave you that impression.

Mikka: Yeah & we’ll get out of your hair.

[Damien & Mikka slowing walking back]

Damien: Yeah, so, if you see the tv, let us know.

Mikka: Oh, and we would love for you to come to our holiday party.

[Mr. Robinson yelling at Damien & Mikka. Shuts the door on their faces]

Mr. Robinson: Why I want to come to your holiday party?

[Mr. Robinson pans back at camera & smiles]

Mr. Robinson: Can you believe the nerve of them boys and girls?

There is a special word for that.

[Walks downstairs. Pick up the remote to turn on the TV] [RACIST shows up on the TV screen. Next to the TV, plenty of opened Amazon delivery boxes.]

Mr. Robinson: Racist. They weren’t being good neighbors at all.

[Puts down the remote. Someone knocks on the door]

Mr. Robinson: Excuse me, boys and girls. It’s more visitors. [Looking at the camera] [Starts yelling at the door]

Damien, I didn’t take your TV and you can’t prove nothing!

[Patrick speaks from behind the door]

Patrick: I’m not Damien, sir. My name is Patrick.

Mr. Robinson: I don’t know no damn Patrick!

Patrick: I know that but did I a DNA test and they said you’re my father.

I just want to meet you.

[Mr. Robinson looks surprised]

Mr. Robinson: Boys and girls, there is a new company called 23 and me.

And because of them, 23 people now say their father is me!

[Turns to the door and yells]

Mr. Robinson: Be right there!

[Pans back at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: That’s my cue, boys and girls. I have to go tell police there

is a strange black man banging on my door.

[Walks up to the window on the left side of the room]

Until we meet again, ♪ tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

[Slowly climbs out of the window]

♪ I’ll come back home tomorrow when my kid is not here ♪

[Waves at the camera & close the window]

♪ Goodbye, boys and girls! ♪