Holiday Baking Championship

Alex Moffat

Claudia… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Mitch… Eddie Murphy

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Holiday Baking Championship intro]

Announcer: We now return to the holiday baking championship.

[Cut to the show]

Host: All right, Bakers. It’s time to show your holiday creations to the judges. Today’s theme was Christmas past. You had to hours to make cakes based on childhood memories. First up is home baker, Claudia.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Hi judges, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Merry Christmas to you. Sweetie, why don’t you tell us what you made today.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: My cake is a tribute to my father who gave my daughter her favorite Christmas memory by taking her to see the movie Frozen. So my cake is beautiful Elsa made from peppermint sponge cake. And her hair do is made from over Host,000 braided strands of icing. And I’m not gonna ‘let it go’ because I want to win.

[Cut to Ego and Beck]

Ego: Wow. That sounds very ambitious. Let’s see your cake.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: With pleasure.

[Claudia reveals her cake. It looks horrible.]

Ego: Claudia!

Claudia: Yeah. Now that it’s in the light, I see that it’s bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Yeah, sweetie, it kind of looks like it has some kind of DNA problem.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: I would love to say that’s intentional.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: Well, let’s taste it.

[the judges take a bite]

Beck: Oh, is there garlic in this?

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Probably. At one point I blacked out and I started making pasta. Just forget it. It’s bad. I’m bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! That’s unfortunate. Next up is Mitch.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here. I want to say that you look so much more attractive in person.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Thanks. Who’s your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: My children have grown up in Napa. One of my favorite memory is playing video games on Christmas mornings. So cake is that speedy rascal Sonic the Hedgehog. It is made from royal icing and the shoes are made from hot cinnamon and the speed lines are red licorice.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Wow, really interesting flavor profile.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I only get one shot at this and I didn’t want to hedgehog my bets.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I love that you came to play. Let’s see it.

[Mitch reveals his cake. It looks horrible and its brown in color.]

Beck: Good god, Mitch.

Mitch: That’s bad. It’s gross. Real bad.

Ego: What went wrong?

Mitch: I think I just made a lot of bad choices. I mean in general in my life.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And why is it brown, Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I don’t know. Why is anything brown?

[Cut o Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Land are those human teeth in its mouth?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s correct. The teeth are human.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, hopefully things went better for you.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: No complaints. My Christmas memory is watching Frosty with my grandma. And here he is, all come to life.

[Sandy reveals her cake. It looks really good.]

So what do you think?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: That’s frosty all right.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? Hang on. My cake is definitely better than his. I mean, look. It’s on fire!

[Cut to Mitch’s cake. Its literally on fire.]

Mitch: Is that true? I think it is trying to kill itself.

[the cake is speaking something] [Cut to the judges]

Ego: I’m sorry, Mitch. What is that language it’s speaking?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s some evil backwards devil talk. I believe I opened up a portal and I am so bad at baking.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Should we destroy it?

[Cut to Mitch’s cake speaking in old lady voice]

Mitch’s cake: No. Please don’t hurt me. I love you.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: What is that voice?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: It is in your grandmother’s voice to trick and you drag you to hell.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: That’s very disturbing. At least you took risks.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Excuse me?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Ralph. What is your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My favorite Christmas memory is Cinderella.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: That doesn’t quite make sense but let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. The castle looks like penis.] [Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Festive but what are those things on the side?

[cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s her penis castle, of course. That’s where Cinderella goes when she’s tired from all the balls.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Well, we have another tough decision to make.

[Cut to Sandy and Mitch]

Sandy: That’s incorrect.

[Mitch’s cake speaks something]

Mitch: Thank you pal, we can still win this thing.

[Cut to Host]

Host: We’ll be back the judge’s decision right after this.

Black Jeopardy Velvet Jones

Darnel Haze… Kenan Thompson

Rashad… Chris Redd

Kiannah… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Velvet Jones… Eddie Murphy

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Announcer: This is Black Jeopardy!

[Cut to the game show] [cheers and applause]

Darnel Haze: Alright, what up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only jeopardy that started some time between 8 and 9 o’clock. I’m your host Darnel Haze. Our contestants today are Rashad.

[Cut to Rashad] Rashad: What’s cracking?

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Kiannah!

[Cut to Kiannah]

Kiannah: Hey!

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: And Mr. Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Hi, I’m Velvet Jones.

[cheers and applause]

Darnel Haze: It says here you’re the founder of the Velvet Jones School of Technology.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: That’s right. I show ladies how to start their own business making up to $Darnel Haze,500 a week with my number one best seller, [Mr. Velvet Jones takes a book out] I want to be a ho.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Okay. Mr. Jones, this is not an infomercial and it is a little early to be talking that spicy. But, let’s take a look at our categories.

We got [Cut to the game screen] “My last nerve”, “Go on ahead then”, “I ain’t wanna say nothing but”, “I’m on break”, “What you not gonna do”, and there is always “White people.”

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Alright, Rashad, you’re our returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: Let’s go with “What you’re not going to do” for Rashad00.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: Your white friend wants to give you an elf on the shelf.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Rashad]

Darnel Haze: Rashad.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: What it is, what you not gonna do is put a holiday snitch in my house.

Darnel Haze: That’s it. The only thing I want watching me is Jesus. All right. Rashad, it’s your pick.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: Let’s stick with “What you’re not going to do.”

Darnel Haze: Alright, the answer there.

[Cut to the game screen] They say your neighbor paid $Kiannah00 for pole dancing classes.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Oh, Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: What a shame. Why spend good money on classes when you can do it for half the price in my basement? It’s all in my new book entitled, “How the Dance like a ho.”

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Well, good try, Mr. Jones. On this show we say women. You understand that, right?

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Yes. Mmm, women.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Alright, well, then it’s your turn.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Let’s go to I ain’t wanna do say nothing.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: Okay. Oh, we got a time and a half question. [Cut to Darnel Haze] This one is worth time and a half. All right. Here’s the picture.

[Cut to a picture of Grinch running in a coat]

It’s just elf running around acting like a cat nap.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Kiannah]

Darnel Haze: Kiannah.

[Cut to Kiannah]

Kiannah: What is, I ain’t wanna say nothing but movies can stay white.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Yeah, that’s right. Diversity should happen.

[Cut to the contestants]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Ha-ha. That man looks ridiculous. How is he supposed to wear — where is his three piece suit and his tiny gold chain and hi long hair? How will he ever attract good ho?

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Mr. Jones, folks on the internet are going to be upset if you keep talking like that. All right, Kiannah. It’s your pick. Let’s go to my last nerve for Rashad00.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: All right, the answer. Your girlfriend says she gotta work overtime because the holidays.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: What a wonderful opportunity for this young lady to go into business for herself. Personally, I think there’s nothing more sexy than a woman who makes her own money. And she can learn to do that with my new book entitled —

[cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Please don’t say, “Be a ho.”

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: I was not. This is called, “Ass for cash.” It is well known fact that shaking your greezy ass in front of strangers can net you up to $Darnel Haze,500 a week. It’s as simple as that.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Velvet, you know about “me too,”right?

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Of course. You like hos? Me, too.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to show screen]

Announcer: Thanks, Darnel. Today’s black jeopardy winner will receive crab legs. It wouldn’t be mother’s day without crab legs. And by he funny pet adoption central. “Don’t go you near that dog. He funny.” And from the family of products put some water in them. Everything from spaghetti sauce to hand soap. Want more? Put some water in it. Back to you Darnel.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Yeah, put that water in it. All right. Mr. Jones. The board is still yours.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Let’s try, “What you not gonna do” for 600.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: All right. Your niece shows up for Christmas dinner in a cut off top.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Alright, Velvet Jones, and be careful.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: It’s okay. I understand. What you not gonna do is judge this woman. It’s Rashad0Darnel Haze9 and she has every right to be sexy and to show off her beauty. She is independent and she can make her own money. She doesn’t need to have sex with anyone.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Well! That’s very nice. Welcome to the modern era, Mr. Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Yeah. And it’s all in my new book entitled, “How to be an Instagram ho.”  And make  $500 a week from the comfort of your own bedroom being a strong independent Instagram ho.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: I got to say, you got a point, Mr. jones.

[music playing]

♪ always and forever ♪ >>

Darnel Haze: Well, the sound of the last dance at a black prom means that we are out of time. Let’s take a break and delete Mr. Velvet’s twitter account. But we’ll see ya’ll in a minute.