Weekend Update Black Ariel on Disneys LiveAction Ariel Remake

Colin Jost

Ariel… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Disney… Great transition. Disney recently made history after announcing the live action remake of “The Little Mermaid” featuring a black Ariel. Here to comment is black Ariel.

[Ariel slides in] [cheers and applause]

Ariel: Hi. Thanks so much, Colin. You know, you can you can just call me Ariel. I don’t call you white Colin to your face.

Colin Jost: That’s my bad. So Ariel, some people online are now calling you a hero and a role model.

Ariel: Role model to who? Black girls who want to be a fish? I gotta be honest, Colin, it’s a lot of pressure. People are all like, “Oh, Ariel, you’re perfect. You’re the hero we need.” Bitch, I am normal.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I guess hero’s a lot to live up to.

Ariel: Yeah, it is. I did not ask for any of this. My mom got drunk and had sex with a tuna and now I’m here. Yo, well, y’all gotta chill with the  hero talk.

Colin Jost: Right. So I guess you’re not perfect, right?

Ariel: Honestly, worse than that. I’m kind of bad. Yeah, I grew up rich. Like, Bezos rich. My dad was the king of the sea. We had money money. I used to ride around a little see horses for fun.

Colin Jost: What’s wrong with that?

Ariel: Down there, those are just poor people. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Wow, yeah, well, that’s not great. No.

Ariel: I’m dumb too, Colin. Yes. Like stupid stupid. My brains have fish. I’m dead ass by the worm on a hook, gets me every damn time.

Colin Jost: Me too, sometimes. Ariel why are you telling us all this?

Ariel: Because I’m just trying to get ahead of stuff. For example, I hate the ocean. I’m pro SeaWorld. I met Shamu. And let me put it like this, I’m glad has ass us locked up.

Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well, I’m sure there’s some other—

Ariel: Also, supported the war in Iraq. Got nothing to do with being in the sea, just wanted revenge for 9/11 Jost. Come on, I know some of you did too, stop playing.

Colin Jost: Alright. Okay. I don’t know why you’re telling us all this but I understand there’s a lot of pressure being the hero.

Ariel: Also did the oil spill.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

Ariel: Did the BP oil spill. Yes. I ran up on that pipeline drunk as hell one night and did a little damage. Yes, to this day flounder still won’t talk to me.

Colin Jost: I’m so sorry. Well, Ariel, that was really bad for the environment.

Ariel: Oh, come on. Who cares? Sea levels are rising, salmon are dying. Good. Salmon are racist. Have you ever talked to one?

Colin Jost: No, I have not.

Ariel: Of course not. Because you’re not willing to do the work.

Colin Jost: Ariel, I thought you were just gonna come out here and you know, like, sing a little song. Don’t you have a little Jamaican crab that you sing with?

Ariel: Listen, Colin, I got a lot of crabs but they don’t sing. They are Jamaican though. Jamaican my nuts itch.

Colin Jost: Ariel, black Ariel, everyone.

Ariel: You just call me Ariel.

Try Guys

Laura Fields… Ego Nwodim

Colin O’Doherty… Brendan Gleeson

Eugene Yang… Eugene

Zack day… Zack

Keith Dismukes… Keith

[Starts with CNN TODAY intro]

Laura Fields: Welcome to CNN today. I’m Laura Fields. Let’s go right to the White House with our very own Colin O’Doherty. Colin?

Colin O’Doherty: Thanks, Laura. President Biden just reiterated his steadfast support for Ukraine after last night. I’m sorry, I’m just hearing.

Laura Fields: Colin. Colin is everything okay?

Colin O’Doherty: And that’s confirmed. Okay. Yes. Sorry, Laura. I’m getting breaking news that the Try Guys have now in fact responded to the whole Ned Fulmer situation. Wow.

Laura Fields: I’m sorry, what?

Colin O’Doherty: Well, it’s obviously an evolving story but CNN can confirm that the Try Guys have released their official YouTube video clapping back at ex-Try Guy Ned Fulmer, the wife guy try guy. He disrespected the brand by making out with one of the food babies at the Harry Styles concert. It’s a sad day indeed. Colin O’Doherty, the White House.

Laura Fields: I’m going to be honest, Colin, I don’t know what any of that is. What in the world is a Try Guy?

Colin O’Doherty: Laura, how do you not know the Try Guys? Oh. They’re BuzzFeed pranksters who try stuff. Like trying fingernail polish or weird hair cuts. Hell, they’ve even tried eating bugs.

Laura Fields: Gotcha. Back to President Biden. Russia’s escalating threats to the west with a tax plan—

Colin O’Doherty: Sorry to interrupt, Laura. This is unbelievable. I’m told we actually have the three remaining Try Guys on the line. Ready to talk? Are you there, Try Guys?

[Cut to Try Guys] [cheers and applause]

Keith: Hello.

Eugene: Hello.

Zack: Hi.

Colin O’Doherty: Wow, first off, Eugene, Zack, Keith. It’s an honor.

Eugene: Thank you. This is— Yeah, it’s just surreal. There’s a lot of anger on this couch.

Laura Fields: Okay, welcome, Try Guys. I’m trying to understand why this story is such a scandal. Was this affair non consensual?

Zack: No. Worse. He committed the heinous act of having a consensual kiss and not telling us, his friends.

Laura Fields: I’m sorry. Why is that heinous?

Colin O’Doherty: Well, you have to remember the power dynamics, Laura. He’s a Try Guy and she’s a food baby.

Laura Fields: Right, right, right. Yeah, you’ve said that. So what now?

Keith: Well, we’ve conducted an internal review with a team of HR professionals and are no longer working with white guy wife guy try guy Ned. I don’t know what else to say. He has to pay.

Laura Fields: Okay. Wow. So the full story is that your friend had a side chick and you fired him?

Eugene: Yes, we had no choice. And we hope he has somewhere on his back with a bullet in his brain and belly.

Laura Fields: Walk. Is that a bit extreme?

Colin O’Doherty: No. Well, you have to remember Laura. You have to remember Laura, the side chick was the food baby.

Laura Fields: Yeah. You keep saying that. What is a food baby?

Colin O’Doherty: Food babies is a spin off food show on the Try Guy’s channel, you idiot.

Laura Fields: Okay, stop. Turning back to the actual news. Iran is on the cusp of a new cultural revolution being—

Keith: Cut back to us.

Laura Fields: No.

Keith: Due to the trauma we are facing, our editors are working around the clock to remove any trace of Ned from past Try Guys content. This is the battle of our lives.

Laura Fields: Bro, Jay Z cheated on Beyonce. It’s gonna be okay.

Eugene: Cut back to us. Look at me. This is the face of grief.

Laura Fields: No, it’s not.

Eugene: It is though. And just FYI, we are still going to be releasing some previously filmed branded videos. So yeah, you might see Ned in sweet green presents the Try Guys try salad with bugs on top.

Zack: And it will still be amazeballs, but it will also be sad balls. We’re all processing this horrific, violent and probably racist tragedy.

Laura Fields: Can you come back to me please

Keith: No. Stay with us. Hear this America, we will never stop bringing you the same Try Guys adventures.

Eugene: I will still be trying super weird Cambodian food. Zack will still be trying super weird Malaysian food. And Keith is still going to try wearing a thong for a week because it’s our duty.

Zack: Okay, this is too traumatic. This interview is over. Please.

Colin O’Doherty: Thank you for your bravery, Try Guys. Know that the country is with you. What’s today’s date? Whatever it is, never forget. For CNN, I’m  Colin O’Doherty.

Laura Fields: And they’re millionaires. Okay. I’m gonna go see what ketamine is all about. This has been CNN today. Good night.

[Ends with CNN TODAY outro]

Eyes

Boss… Brendan Gleeson

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Janine… Sarah Sherman

Michael Longfellow

Carl… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five colleagues in a meeting]

Boss: Alright guys, focus. Denver is counting on us to come up with new slogan for the city.

Ego: Okay, how about “Denver, sky’s the limit”?

Boss: That’s good. That’s really good.

Bowen: All right. I was thinking “Denver, gateway to the Rockies.”

Boss: All right, now we’re talking.

Janine: Ah, who even cares? [Janine is hiding her face]

Boss: Janine, you’ve had a bad attitude all morning. What’s the problem?

Janine: Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s just that nobody noticed.

Bowen: Noticed what?

Janine: Nobody noticed I got my eyes replaced. [Janine shows her eyes. It’s like a toy.]

Ego: No, no. Yeah, Janine. We definitely noticed.

Bowen: We had an emergency meeting about it the second you walked in the door.

Boss: Ultimately, we decided that legally it would be just be safest that we pretended we didn’t see it.

Michael: But  since you brought it up, why did you do this, Janine?

Janine: This is ridiculous. Nobody’s asking Luann about why she got a huge fake rack.

Ego: I literally didn’t.

Janine: Oh my god. Good for you.

Boss: Janine, I can’t help but feel you. Like, you’ve made a grave mistake.

Janine: Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s totally reversible. All I have to do is keep my old eyeballs refrigerated. Oh my god! Oh my god, no. Oh my god. I forgot to put my eyeballs in the refrigerator. Oh my god. Oh my god, no. [Janine pulls out her eyes our of her two pockers] They’ve been loose in my pockets for the last 72 hours. Oh my god, no. They’re still god, right? Can you smell them? And tell me if they’re still good. Right? And you guys are smelling them? And they’re good? I can’t see you guys’s reaction right now. I can’t read facial expressions.

Michael: Wait, your eyes are worse now?

Janine: Yes, 100%.

Ego: Then why did you do it?

Janine: To improve my appearance?

Bowen: But it looks worse.

Janine: It does? Oh my god. No!

[Carl walks in]

Carl: Hey, everybody, sorry. I’m late.

Janine: Hey, Carl, what do you think my new eyeballs?

Carl: And I’m going straight to church.

Janine: Guys, come on. Seriously? Let’s focus up, okay? We got a lot of business to take care of. Okay? Hey, how about this? “Denver City of Angels”?

Ego: That’s Los Angeles.

Janine: Oh my God, are you serious? Oh my god, no.

Bowen: Yeah, that’s famously Los Angeles.

Janine: Don’t be mean to me, okay? I can’t cry because the tears go back inside my head, and my brain will drown.

Boss: Your brain will drown? What are you talking about?

Janine: You know what? You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Today, you all put a woman’s body on trial.

Michael: You brought it up.

Janine: You know what? I came in this morning with a lot of great pitches. Pitches like “Denver, City of Angels.” “Denver, Keep Austin weird.”

Boss: You know, we can’t use that.

Janine: So I quit. And I’m leaving not in disgrace, but with dignity, elegance and class. I’m gonna be taking my portfolio with me. [grabs some cake]

Bowen: That’s coffee cake.

Janine: And of course, I will also be taking my jacket. [pulls out the curtain] And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you all a Jew. [Janine walks and hits water cooler] Oh, oh my god. Allen. I didn’t know you were in here. You look amazing. See how easy that was? To pay a compliment to a friend?

Boss: Janine, that’s not a human being. That’s a water cooler.

Janine: I’ll leave you all with this. Life comes at you pretty fast. And if you blink, you just might miss it. And me? well, I’m not gonna miss a thing.

Boss: So, “Denver, if you blink, you will miss it.”

Ego: Yeah, I love that one.

Boss: You like that one?

Rooftop Bar

Miles Teller

Mikey day

Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Tyler and Chodecork in a rooftop bar]

Tyler: Hell yeah, cloud bars hopping tonight.

Chodecork: Hell yeah. it’s gonna be a good night, dude.

Tyler: Damn right. Deserve it. I crushed work today.

Chodecork: Yes.

Tyler: God damn, I love day trading bro. I live for it.

Chodecork: Heard dude, I stand day trading bro.

Tyler: Yo, not gonna lie, girls in here tonight, decent. Lot of talent in the room this eve. Going to get my flirt on them, I squirt on, you feel me?

Chodecork: Yes, dude. Yo, lately I’ve been into like flat ass, flat chest, tiny teeth.

Tyler: Okay, yeah, not as much into the tiny teeth thing as much, but you know, I’m just looking for a cutie to make a mess with, you know? Yo, honey alert. Let’s close these two finies.

Chodecork: Oh, hell yeah. Charm never did no harm.

[Chloe and Ego walk in. They just sit beside Tyler and Chodecork. But now, Tyler and Chodecork aren’t able to speak a word.]

Chodecork: Getting drunk?

Chloe: Sorry?

Chodecork: [speaking weirdly] You guys getting drinks?

Chloe: Oh, drinks. Yeah.

Chodecork: Cool. Cool. [in ridiculous voice] Alcohol! [pokes her twice] Boop, boop. Sorry. Yeah, I love alcohol.

Tyler: [to Ego] I work in Finance.

Ego: Okay, cool. Excuse me, bartender.

5: Yeah, what do you need sweetie?

Ego: I can I get a Stella?

Tyler: Stella! Ha-ha.

Chloe: And can I get a vodka cran?

Chodecork: Ooh, cranberry. Oh-oh. UTI?

Chloe: Excuse me?

Chodecork: I don’t know. That was weird. [singing] Why am I talking like this? Put these fair maids drinks on mine tab, good miss.

Ego: You don’t have to do that.

Chodecork: Yes. With your finest top shelf liquor.

5: Okay, top shelf has a $90 up charge. That okay?

Chodecork: [high pitched voice] Oh, why so much? [deep voice] Why so serious? Batman. No, we chilling. Um, how much is the liquor three shelves down from the top?

5: All right. Let’s just do Stella. You gotta a tab?

Chodecork: Yeah, name is Nick Chodecork.

5: You got to speak up, hun.

Chodecork: Nick Chodecork. It’s a VMA debit.

5: Okay, Chodecork? Got it.

Tyler: So you guys are friends?

Chloe and Ego: Yeah.

Tyler: Black and white? Hell yeah. I’ll clap for that.

Chodecork: Yeah. So, let’s chat. Did you guys buy your clothes at a store or online?

Chloe: Store.

Ego: Store as well.

Tyler: We all like stores. Yeah.

Ego: I mean, it depends on which one. Is she almost back with the drinks?

Tyler: Depends on which one. Okay, very cool. You like some stores, you like other stores? You’re like, I don’t know. I don’t know. Might not go in there.

Chodecork: Yeah.

Chloe: I mean, yeah.

Tyler: Yeah, that’s interesting. Very, very cool. Stores, yeah. Whoo!

5: Chodecork, your card was declined.

Chodecork: Please run it again.

Tyler: What are y’all streaming? Y’all watch Stranger Things?

Ego: If you’re asking if I watch Stranger Things, then yes, I do.

Tyler: Yes. I’m running on back gear. [singing]

Chodecork: [pointing at Chloe’s breasts] Boobies. I’m sorry. [singing] Why did I do that?

Tyler: I work in Finance.

Ego: Yeah. You said that?

Tyler: Ha-ha-ha-ha. You guys would like come over to our apartment?

Ego: Wait, you’re roommates? You guys are like, 40.

Tyler: Yeah. Good one.

Chloe: Let’s just got to the patio bar. Nice talking.

Chodecork: Yeah.

Chloe and Ego: Bye.

Chodecork: Yeah. [Chloe and Ego leave] Yo, how did that happen, bro? Your game was on point.

Tyler: I know dude, right? Like I’m in a mad dry spell right now. No joke. It’s been 11 years since I did it. But like on purpose, you know?

Chodecork: Yeah. I mean, I’ve never done it. So I mean, I guess the last time was like, I’ve been waiting my whole life I guess. I don’t know. Should I just like give up?

Tyler: No. Let’s do a lap.

Chodecork: Yeah, most that.

Caribbean Queens

Trinity Summers… Ego Nwodim

Deseret Wingo… Heidi Gardner

Leah… Punkie Johnson

Gordy… Myles Teller

Brock… Kenan Thompson

Frank… Devon Walker

[Starts with Trinity Summers and Deseret Wingo dancing and drinking cocktails in a bar] [music playing]

Both: Hello. We’re moving. We’re moving. We’re moving.

Deseret Wingo: Oh, welcome to Caribbean Queens.

Trinity Summers: My name is Trinity Summers.

Deseret Wingo: And I am Deseret Wingo. And we are coming to you live…

Trinity Summers: And hungover…

Deseret Wingo: From Grabbers Resort and Spa where the party never stops.

Trinity Summers: You know, we met on Spirit Airlines on the way over. Yeah, we came over here for a week long vacation but we’ve been here for five amazing months. We’re doing a little eating, zero praying and a whole lot of loving.

Deseret Wingo: Plus, you know what? It’s off peak, which means there’s no sun, but there’s also no women younger than us.

Trinity Summers: Yeah, we’re bragging. Yes we are. Okay, now play our song.

[music playing]

Now our theme song is of course by the greatest Musician of the last Deseret Wingo00 years, Mr. Billy Ocean.

Deseret Wingo: No man sing so good, they named the ocean after him. Which brings us to the first segment of every show, Google if Billy Ocean is still married.

[Trinity Summers and Deseret Wingo start googling]

Trinity Summers: Ah, he is.

Deseret Wingo: Still?

Trinity Summers: That bitch.

Deseret Wingo: Well, bless their love, and that means I need a drink. Please welcome our favorite bartender, Lisa.

Trinity Summers: Hey, Lisa.

[Gordy walks in with drinks]

Leah: Hey, my name is Leah. But that’s okay.

Trinity Summers: We love her.

Deseret Wingo: We’re so close.

Trinity Summers: We’re like family.

Deseret Wingo: We don’t even tip her.

Leah: But you could.

Deseret Wingo: Now our next segment is what we got up to this week?

Trinity Summers: We went parasailing, shorts fell off. Jet skiing, shorts fell off. Breakfast bar, you know our shorts fell off.

Deseret Wingo: All right. Well, our guest today, as always, are some hunky guys we met last night that we’re now going to speak to in the light of day.

Trinity Summers: That’s right. We’re gonna see if the sparks are still sparking. Come on out Gordy and Brock.

[Gordy and Brock walk in sipping cocktails]

Gordy: Hey ladies, looking good.

Brock: Yeah, looking well lit but still good.

Deseret Wingo: Okay, so you remember us?

Brock: Yeah, we do. I just don’t remember if it was like fun or like “Oh-oh!”

Trinity Summers: It was both.

Deseret Wingo: Little bit of both. So we want to know more about you. You said last night you were a sports agent.

Brock: I sell catheters.

Deseret Wingo: Well, hook a girl up.

Trinity Summers: And I’m trying to remember what you said your job was? Lawyer.

Gordy: White rapper.

Trinity Summers: Oh, okay. I love white rap.

Gordy: Well, I do rap and reggae too. I go by Swaggy, that’s White Swaggy. [singing Shaggy’s verse] Life is one big party when you’re still young

Trinity Summers: Okay, I’m ready to go. I’m ready to go.

Deseret Wingo: Yeah, I’m poppin, okay? So all right, it’s time for the final vibe check. Let’s see if the vibes are still vibin.

[music starts playing. They start dancing]

Deseret Wingo: Okay, this is nice. Oh, get it a little closer to me. Oh, Trinity, my guys got a hardy.

Brock: No. No, I don’t.

Trinity Summers: Well, let me just check mine. Okay, he’s growing, all right. It’s getting there.

Gordy: Oh, my bad.

Trinity Summers: No, baby. It’s a good thing.

Trinity Summers: Okay.

Deseret Wingo: Oh, I think we’ve got to wrap this show up before shorts fall off?

Leah: Oh, get it ladies. You two are the proudest, oldest skanks I’ve ever seen.

Trinity Summers: We love you too.

Deseret Wingo: Okay, now play us out Billy’s little brother Frank Ocean is here.

Trinity Summers: Yeah, give it to us, Frank.

Frank: Yo, I keep telling you, we are not related.

Trinity Summers: Oh, come on. Just get over here and sing the damn song.

[everyone start singing]

Three Daughters

Prince Andaman… Mikey Day

King… Kenan Thompson

Lucilia… Ego Nwodim

Regalia… Selena Gomez

Blondelia… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a story book opening]

Male voice: Once upon a time, a Prince journey to a faraway kingdom, and after bravely slaying the local dragon, won the chance to choose a princess or his bride.

[Cut to the prince visiting the king]

King: Oh, Prince Andaman. Welcome to our big cold castle in Europe.

Prince Andaman: It is an honor Your Highness.

King: Good job killing out dragon. No one asked you to, but thank you. You may now meet my daughters three and choose one to be your bride.

Prince Andaman: Yes, surely one of them will be more beautiful than the rest, or knowing my luck, one will be weird.

King: Bring out my daughter’s please.

[Three daughters walk in]

Prince Andaman: Hmm. Fair maidens. So cool to see.

King: Meet my first daughter, Lucilia.

Lucilia: It is an honor to stand before you, fair prince.

Prince Andaman: Wow. Okay, I love that.

King: My second daughter, Regalia.

Regalia: I know not what to say and yet I feel not frightened, prince.

Prince Andaman: Good, good. Make sense?

King: And my third daughter Blondelia.

Blondelia: Hello.

Prince Andaman: Okay, is that it?

Blondelia: Nice to meet you.

Prince Andaman: Right. Okay. Sure.

King: Is everything all right?

Prince Andaman: Yeah, I guess I just thought there’d be something messed up about her because there’s three of them and the third one is her.

King: I take great offense.

Prince Andaman: No, I’m sorry. It’s just usually like, one’s pretty, one smart and one has something like really wrong with them.

King: But you’ve only just met. Girls, tell the prince about your hobbies.

Lucilia: I, Lucilia, enjoy playing jolly tunes on the harpsichord.

Regalia: I love dancing and dancing around.

Blondelia: And me, I like harpsichord and I guess also dancing.

Prince Andaman: Okay. Is that why she’s weird? Because she copied her thing?

King: What are you on about?

Prince Andaman: I mean, it’s gotta be Blondelia, but I just can’t figure out why.

Blondelia: I like painting as well. Or archery. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what you want me to say.

King: Oh, I know. Tell him your favorite foods.

Lucilia: Little cakes.

Regalia: Strawberries.

Blondelia: Muffins.

Prince Andaman: All right. What, is she like obsessed with muffins?

Blondelia: I feel like people like muffins.

Prince Andaman: Okay, now I’m kind of getting pissed off.

King: Prince Edmund, what would you like to ask my daughters?

Prince Andaman: Okay, um, do a little dance as normal as you can.

[music playing. All the princesses dance lightly and nicely.]

Prince Andaman: All right. All regular hot dancing. Does one of you have like a weird laugh or something? What are your laughs?

[Regalia laughs weirdly]

Prince Andaman: Okay, is it her? Because that was awful.

[Lucilia laughs like a hunk man] [Blondelia laughs unnaturally]

Prince Andaman: Those were all bad.

King: Prince Andaman, you have to hurry. You must make your choice before the clock strikes midnight.

Prince Andaman: Ooh. Ooh, what happens at midnight?

King: It’s just too late.

Prince Andaman: I give up. All right? Maybe I’ll just leave and go kill a different dragon.

[The princesses start crying]

Prince Andaman: Oh, no. No, I’m sorry. I’ve been so rude. Just based on the princesses I’ve met, she should have like a big ass toe or lay eggs or something.

Lucilia: Father, he’s right. Sometimes, one of the girls is weird. On purpose. She’ll make a joke out of herself before anyone who can judge her.

Regalia: Maybe it’s because we have to jump through crazy hoops for princes like you, Dragon Dork.

Blondelia: Maybe it’s a metaphor for being different or ugly or stupid or gay. I don’t know. I’m just guessing, I’m very normal.

Prince Andaman: I see. I’m sorry. I was judgmental. The truth is I’m drawn to Blondelia, though I fear there is a catch.

King: But isn’t that love, young man?

Prince Andaman: I guess you’re right. All right. I choose number three, Blondelia.

King: Prince Andaman and Blondelia, blessings upon you.

Prince Andaman: I love you Blondelia, and you shall be my wife.

Blondelia: And I love you. Goodbye, father. Goodbye, dear sisters. Goodbye.

Sisters: Goodbye.

[While they walk out, Blondelia’s butt cheeks are showing out of her dress.]

Male voice: There we go. Good old number three gets them everytime.

Guidance Counselors

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Barbizar… Bowen Yang

Mrs. barbizar… Ego Nwodim

Ninnie… Selena Gomez

[Starts with Aidy at the stage of college]

Aidy: Okay, seniors give it up for your mascot, Sal the Spooked Horse.

[Sal the spooked horse walks in and jumps around] [cheers ad applause] [Sal the spooked horse walks out]

Now, the guidance counselor’s wanted to give some advice before graduation season. So please welcome Mr. And Mrs. Barbizar.

[Mr. and Mrs. Barbizar walk in]

Mr. and Mrs. Barbizar: Hi, hi.

Mrs. Barbizar: Good morning. What an honor to address the old dirty bastard High School Class of 2022.

Mr. Barbizar: We are so proud of you. But a lot of you may be unsure what to do after high school. There are so many career paths.

Mrs. Barbizar: It’s hard to know what you like or what you’re good at.

Mr. Barbizar: So our advice to everyone is…

Mr and Mrs. Barbizar: Model.

Mrs. Barbizar: Get into modeling.

Chris: Sorry, are you saying we should be models after we graduate?

Mrs. Barbizar: Yes, exactly. Model.

Mr. Barbizar: Our advice to students is model.

Mrs. Barbizar: Because in this moment, you’re the youngest you’ll ever be and you just missed it up.

Mr. Barbizar: Yap, maybe it’ll help if an ODB alum comes out and talks about her experience modeling.

Mrs. Barbizar: You guys want that?

Mr. Barbizar: Yeah, you do.

Mrs. Barbizar: Okay, please welcome spokesperson for modeling from the class of 2017, Ninnie Sips.

Mr. Barbizar: Ninnie.

[Ninnie walks in]

Ninnie: Wow. Thank you so much for having me. When I was in high school, the one thing I wished someone told me was model.

Mr. Barbizar: See?

Mrs. Barbizar: Model.

Ninnie: And now I’m proud to say I’m the first person in my family to not go to college.

Mrs. Barbizar: Congratulations. Ninnie, the time has come. Let’s show them how to do 80 poses and five seconds..

Mr. Barbizar: Hit the track. [music playing and all three of them do different poses] Wow, that was amazing.

Mrs. Barbizar: Work!

Ninnie: Any questions?

Chris: Hi. Yeah, I’m really good at math and I really love math. And I always wanted to be an accountant. Do I have to be a model?

Mrs. Barbizar: You don’t have to, but let me ask you this. Do you want to live in Paris or Syracuse?

Ninnie: Do you want to work at H&M or H in our block?

Mr. Barbizar: Do you want to do Leonardo DiCaprio or do taxes with someone named Leon did nothing? How tall are you?

Melissa: 5’6″.

Mr. Barbizar: Keep working on that?

Mrs. Barbizar: Be taller.

Ninnie: You, I like your look. How old are you?

Chloe: 17.

Ninnie: That’s perfect, stay that age forever.

Mr. Barbizar: Ninnie, let’s show them 100 faces in five seconds. Go.

[music playing and all three of them do different faces]

Wow.

Mrs. Barbizar: That was amazing. That was modeling.

Melissa: Wait, are you guys models? Do you have modeling experience?

Ninnie: Yes. On my flight here, someone was choking and people were asking if there was a model on the plane. So I modeled. And that was the last thing he saw.

Mr. Barbizar: That’s amazing. So what do you say kids? Wanna come with us on model all over the world?

Chloe: Yes!

Kyle: I’m gonna be model.

Melissa: Me too.

Ninnie: Good, so let’s start. Everyone do 10,000 poses in 1 million seconds.

All three: Music.

[music playing] [all of the students are doing poses]

Baby Monitor

Gina… Selena Gomez

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of friends gathering]

Chris: Dude, your house is sick.

Ego: And you’re sure your parents are gone for the night?

Gina: Oh, totally. It’s their anniversary. So they’ll be fighting in a nice restaurant for the next six hours.

Kyle: That’s so cool.

Chloe: I can’t believe they trust you to be home alone.

Gina: Well, somebody had to watch the twins.

Ego: Wait, the twins?

Gina: Yeah, my baby brother, baby sister. Look, they’re on the baby monitor.

[Cut to video of her brother and sister sleeping. They look too small.]

Chloe: Aww, they’re so sweet.

Ego: I guess I didn’t realize for babysitting.

Chris: Yeah, I thought we were gonna rage tonight.

Gina: No, we could still totally party all night long. On that note, who wants to drink my dad’s beer?

Kyle: Me.

[babies start crying]

Chris: I think babies are up.

Gina: Don’t worry, she’ll bo back to sleep.

Chris: I think she actually just woke up her brother.

[babies crying loudly]

Damg, their eyes are freaky.

Ego: Yeah, looks like when you catch raccoons.

Gina: Guys, come on, let’s focus. Let’s get this party started.

Kyle: Sounds like they’re still crying though.

Chloe: Shouldn’t you go in there and like, comfort them or something?

Gina: How? You’re supposed to like, let themselves sooth.

[babies crying loudly]

Ego: That doesn’t sound like self soothing.

Gina: They’ll be asleep in two seconds. I promise.

Chris: Yeah, I don’t think so. Now they’re doing laps around the crib.

Gina: Oh, that’s good. That will tucker them out.

Chloe: I’m not so sure.

Ego: Yeah, I don’t know how to say this. But it looks like they’re stunting a buck wild.

[the babies are doing backflips]

Gina: I gave them one M&M each before bed,  so they’re loaded with sugar right now.

Ego: Wait, are you allowed to give babies chocolate?

Gina: Yeah, Megan, they’re not dogs. They’re babies. Guys, I thought you wanted a party?

Kyle: We did. But this is definitely more interesting.

Chris: Yeah, looks like they’re fighting.

Gina: Oh, they’re just roughhousing? It’s what siblings do.

Ego: Wait, actually I have a baby brother and sister and I’ve never seen them do that.

[They’re fighting wildly]

Chloe: Oh my god. Do something before her head flies off.

Gina: Oh. Fine. I’ll go give them a piece of bread or something.

Ego: Wait, are babies supposed to eat full pieces of bread?

Chris: I don’t think so. But the babies definitely seem to like it.

Gina: All right, now who wants to focus on getting wasted?

Kyle: Honestly, I don’t want to get drunk anymore. I just want to sit here and watch these babies go hard.

Chris: Wait, what the hell?

[Now there are three babies]

Third baby: Hey, ma.We gotta need bread. Milk! [laughing]This bread is dry.

Ego: Who is that?

Gina: I don’t know. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not.

Chris: That’s not concerning to you?

Gina: No. Now, who wants to chug hand sanitizer and try out my dad’s underwear?

Kyle: None of us.

Chloe: Gina, Why are you acting so crazy?

Ego: Gina, why are you trying to party so hard? These babies need you.

Gina: Look, guys. This might come as a complete shock to you but I’m not a huge party girl. I’ve never even had a sip of alcohol.

Kyle: Yeah, obviously.

Chris: Wait, what? What are you looking at?

[the babies are looking at the baby monitor and laughing]

Chloe: Is that a baby monitor?

[Ego finds a camera turned at them]

Ego: Oh my god. They’re watching us.

Blue Bunny

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Jacob… Jacob Thompson

Lisa… Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby… Heidi Gardner

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with Ego and Mikey starting the focus group conversation.]

Ego: Okay cutie pies, we’re ready to get started.

Mikey: Well, it’ll be a little more flirtatious of an intro than we need but it’s all good. Hi gang. Thanks for coming out to this focus group.

Ego: We are from Blue Bunny ice cream and we’ve got some new products that we’d love your feedback on.

Keman: Like bomb pops?

Ego:  No, sir. No bomb pops today.

Lisa: Oh, I love bomb pops

Mikey: Again no B pops, but I do think you’ll find our other treats, the ice cream of the crop.

Ben: No offense, but I signed up to try ice cream. Not to hear jokes about it. Can we get to taste it?

Mikey: Okay, I’m sorry.

Bobby: Hey, those two are just trying to do their jobs. They gotta tell a joke or two, let them. It’s their dance, not yours.

Ego: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you two know each other?

Ben: No, ma’am. Just here to try some ice cream, get my check and be on my way.

Bobby: Same here. Same here. Came in a stranger, I’ll leave one as well.

Mikey: Okay, very fun. Well, the first flavor we’re going to try today is peanut brittle pie ice cream. [Ego passes ice cream to the others] So give those a try. And Jacob, how about you go first? What do you think?

Jacob: Oh wow, this delicious.

Ego: Great. Okay, what about you Lisa?

Lisa: Tastes a little wet but yummy.

Ego: Noted at. Bobby what do you think?

Bobby: You know what this tastes like? You remember when you were a kid and you’d be out playing in all the dirty buckets like a hog? And Pappy’d call you to wash up because nana spent the last three hours churning? That woman would churn till she whipped. The blood from her palms, legs in the caramel ribbons of the ice cream. This is that. This tastes like that.

Ego: Okay, thank you. Very descriptive.

Ben: You’re trying to make a grown man weak, miss?

Bobby: No, I’m just eating ice cream, sir.

Ego: Okay, what about you mutton? What do you think of the peanut brittle pie?

Ben: How do I say this? Remember when you’d be down by the pond all day with your hands cut? Trying to catch just one stupid little tadpole? It mean nothing today but back then, hell, that tad was king crab. And then Scooter’s mama, the one with a pretty teeth and eyes like butter, would invite you inside for a whole bowl rocky road. Didn’t matter the flavor though. It was just beautiful mature woman had opened her door to you, arms wide, bosom heavy. This is that. This tastes like that.

Mikey: Okay, so it tastes like Scooter’s mama. Writing that down?

Bobby: You’re seeing things, haven’t you?

Ben: Hah! Only ice cream, miss.

Jacob: Hey, I just taste ice cream. Am I doing this wrong?

Mikey: No. Yeah, guys, we’re not really looking to taste memories of the dustbowl here.

Bobby: Your ice cream carries a weight to it, sir.

Ben: She’s right, I can taste generations of women in it.

Mikey: Okay, I will not be writing that down.

Ego: How about this one? Galactic mint frost. [Ego passes another ice cream to all] Why don’t you guys give that one a taste?

Mikey:  Yeah, Bobby? You tasting that fresh mint in there?

Bobby: No. Taste more like wind. But like the wind when you hadn’t quite reached five feet tall. When back then would knock you right into the neighbor. The one that had lost his wife and daughter in the hospital fire. And in your eyes, he saw em’ both. So you’d sit with him on his porch, watch the world go by. Right as the sun went down, he’d hand you a bowl of cream. Just vanilla, though. He kept it simple since the girls has died. This is that. This tastes like that.

Ego: Got it. So it tastes like a widower in pain.

Ben: Who hurt you?

Ego: Why? You’re looking to save someone tonight?

Ben: Maybe.

Ego: Eat your ice cream.

Mikey: I’m sorry, what is happening?

Ben: I know what I taste?

Ego: Yes≤ but in, like, six words this time.

Ben: Fine. Remember 4th of July.

Mikey: Okay, please stop.

Ben: The air was so thick with smoke, you could barely find your little brother’s hand. Daddy let you both stay out late as long as you kept your little brother close. Never did find him. Walked home alone, went straight to the icebox, scooped out some chocolate chip. Nothing too fancy on the night brother disappeared. This is that. This tastes like that.

Bobby: Dammit! I can’t take your pain away, but I can sure give it a bed to rest in. Let let me nap with your hurt.

Ben: You want a nap with my hurt

Bobby: I said as much. Let me nap with your hurt.

Ben: Go saying something like that and you might just end up taking a nap with my hurt.

Mikey: All right. Well, thanks for coming out everybody.

[Ben and Bobby walk up to and hold each other]

Ben: Hear me now. I will always come for you.

Bobby: What took you so long?

[Cut to their picture holding each other]

Male voice: Blue bunny ice cream, let me nap with your hurt.

 

Truck Stop CD

Kyle Mooney

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Trucker… Jake Gyllenhaal

Darlene… Cecily Strong

Picky… Andrew Dismukes

El Chapo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Kyle ad Ego in Truckstops.]

Kyle: Truckstops have the wildest stuff.

Ego: Yeah, like, the my other car is a gun?

Kyle: And who are the weirdos still buying CDs?

Aidy: Well, truckers that’s who.

Kyle: Oh, very cool.

Aidy: Yeah, this one right here is a collection of hits. My favorite truck driving crooner Johnny Gatlin. Yeah, I’m talking about “Truck you you truckin’ truck”. 42 songs, all about truckin.

Ego: Great. You mind if we just scooped past you?

Aidy: Songs include fender bender in hits like “Truckers life”.

[song]

Trucker: I’m peeing in a bottle and I’m peeing in a thermos
and I’m peeing in a cup and I’m peeing in the bucket
and I’m peeing in a diaper and I’m peeing at the window
The wind blows back in my face.

Aidy: Whoo! Been there, done that. Get your hanky handy for this heart wrenching duet between trucker and truckers’ wife. Featuring Darlene cuisine, don’t go forgettin.

Trucker: Gotta go back down on the road
I’m gonna miss you till I get home.

Darlene: And I’m asking you to remember
You always got to remember

Trucker and Darlene: Don’t go forgettin
Which cup is your drink and which cup is full of piss

Kyle: Are all these songs about peeing?

Aidy: Well, not all. But many of them? Yes. Big part of the lifestyle.

[whooing sound]

Kyle: Okay, what was that?

Aidy: Oh, wow. That would be the dreaded ghost trucker t. little Picky Dickens.

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Trucker:When the fog came rolling in,
and his hog came rolling out,
reaching down his pants,
he starts to touch himself
with the same hand he used to eat
Flaming Hot Cheetos
People say his screams to echo to this day

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Aidy: Oh! And the old children’s classic “Blow that horn”.

Picky: I see your little boy on an iPad in a minivan next to mine.

Trucker: He singles for me to blow my horn and I happily oblige 

Darlene: A smile comes across his face, I’m so happy I can make his day

Trucker: And the car in front of me get startled as hell and they veer off into a ditch

Aidy: Oh, yes. And of course, no collection is complete without the trucker standard, “The hitch hiker”.

Trucker: A hot July day in 2015 down it Juarez, Mexico
I’m trucking along the highway
A hitchhiker on the side of the road
The mustachioed man helps him in the cab
and he’s only five feet tall
Something about him looks so familiar
Then suddenly, I recall
his name’s El Chapo, El Chapo.
Oh god I think I helped El Chapo
He definitely helped El Chapo

El Chapo: I’m El Chapo and this is a certified bump.

Aidy: Truck you you truckin’ truck, available only at loves Truckstops up the I-40.

[Kyle and Ego sneaks out from behind her]

All: Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker
Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker