Sleepover

Dad… Adam Driver

Chloe Fineman

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Stephane… Heidi Gardner

Meghan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a dad talking to the girls at their sleepover.]

Dad: Hey, girls. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock! Dad alert! Wiwoo-wiwoo-wiwoo! Sorry to interrupt the sleepover. I just wanted to talk to you girls. I don’t want to single anyone out or embarrass anybody but something happened upstairs.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: The pizza came?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, no. It’s a little different. It’s kind of hard to talk about as a parent. But I believe in mutual respect, so we’re just gonna talk as adults. Okay?

[Cut to the girls]

Girls: Okay!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, well, it looks like someone tried to flush a sanitary napkin pad, sort of a big one in our upstairs washroom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Dad! Whao! Is the toilet broken?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, it is. The pad got stuck. We don’t have a plunger in there. So I think, whoever tried to flush it used a toilet paper stand to try to shove it down and then put a lot of toilet paper on top to kind of blanket it which made it overflow pretty bad.

[Cut to Aidy and Ego]

Ego: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Yeah, then I think they tried to duck-tape it shut which caused the water to sort of explode up out of it into the light sockets which caused electrical shock. Where’s Megan?

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Uh, I don’t know. She went upstairs like an hour ago.

[Cut to Dad. Meghan walks down stairs with her clothes wet and her hair all messed up.]

Dad: Hi, Meghan.

Meghan: What’s up?

[Cut to everybody. Meghan sits down on a couch.] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, we were just having a talk with the girls coz someone tried to flush a pad and broke the toilet.

[Cut to Meghan. It’s obvious she did it.]

Meghan: [acting as she can’t believe it] Wow! That’s sick! Whoever did that, that’s pretty sick! I’m gonna go to bed.

[Cut to everybody]

Dad: No! We’re just gonna stay and try to piece together what happened.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh, yeah. Well, that stinks. Whoever did that, that’s a mystery. Just get Mark Harman in here to figure this out. Current CIS.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’m just hoping that one of you will, you know, come forward.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Oh, well, it’s not me. I can’t wear pads coz I do little thongs.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, we don’t need all the details.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yes. Yes. I’m tampons. It’s easy, you know? You lube them up and string first down the gullet.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, you don’t have to prove it.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yeah. Listen, I’m no Mark Harman but it was probably Stephane. She’s got big boobs, so she probably does big pads.

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Um, no I don’t.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay! I’m just gonna keep going with what happened. So, it looks like they tried to soak up the water with everyone’s coats. Then they nailed the bathroom door shut and paint over the doorknobs so no one can tell it was a door.

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: That sounds clever. Did that work?

Dad: Um, no! Then they went on my laptop and tried to order a new toilet on Amazon Prime.

Meghan: Honestly, wow!

Dad: Then, they G-chatted someone named ‘Meghan’s mom’ and said, “It happened again. Just like in church, but worse.”

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Whoever did it, just come forward! We’re all adults here. Everybody gets a period. We all get it the same way. Two strong weeks tapered with a week on either side. Cramps, medical farts, violence, sexual hallucinations. Ah! We need Mark Harman, honestly.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, look girls. Here’s the truth. I spoke to my insurance company and we’re looking at $ten,000 in damage and I really need to be able to tell them what happened. So, whoever did it, I hope would feel safe enough to tell me.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh! Come on, you guys! Just tell the hot dad that your period broke his whole house.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Meghan, can I talk to you a moment?

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: Yeah, how can I help?

Dad: I just wanna give you a chance away from anybody else. Is there anything that you wanna tell me?

Meghan: I think we should be together.

Dad: No. No!

Meghan: I gamed it out. Okay? The next six years, you’ll be with your wife while I go to college and learn things. And then Columbus day weekend freshman year, I come home, [claps] we bang!

Dad: Okay! No, Meghan. I give up.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: Wait! I have to confess something. I flushed the pad. I’m like, scared of tampons. I’m sorry.

Ego: Wait! I also flushed the pad.

Stephane: Wait! I did too.

Aidy: And I flushed many, many pads. Today, yesterday and everyday before that for a week and a half.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Wow! Thank you girls for your honesty. [Cut to everybody] Meghan, is there anything that you would like to say.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: No, there is not.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, girls. Have fun. I’m sure everything will be okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Girls: Thanks Mr. Pennyham.

[Cut to the house from the outside. The house blows up!] [The End]

Cheerleading Show

Heidi Gardner

Adam Driver

Kroy…Beck Bennett

Daisy… Chloe Fineman

Becky… Ego Nwodim

Cooper… Kenan Thompson

Tony… Bowen Yang

Meg… Kate McKinnon

Terra… Halsey

[Starts with Cheer introduction video]

Male voice: You’re watching ‘Cheer’. The new Netflix docu-series that has everyone asking, “Did you watch Cheer?”

[Cut to the locker room]

Heidi: Okay all, buckle up. We are 10 days out from the National Cheer Leading competition in Daytona.

Adam: And we know you all are shook coz a lot of this team is getting injured.

Heidi: Hey, we throw people ha-ha-high in the air and sometimes we drop-drop-drop them.

Adam: And it’s specially scary coz of what happened to Tara.

[Cut to a cheerleader stuck on the ceiling hole.] [Cut to Heidi and Adam]

But we are working on getting her down.

Heidi: Okay, I cannot stress this enough. In this sport, it’s the tiny girl’s job to fly and the gay guys must catch them.

Adam: You all gotta prove why you deserve to be on mat at Daytona. Coz you know you all aren’t gonna make it. Kroy, let’s start with you.

[Cut to the cheerleaders. Kroy has a broken arm.]

Kroy: I deserve to be here because we must, so we will. I was inspired by the quote I saw in the menu at Alpaca steak house that said, “There’s no such thing as being full.” I think about that erryday.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: And did your arm pop out yesterday and go bo-yo-yoing yesterday?

[Cut to Kroy]

Kroy: Yes.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, and how does it feel now?

[Cut to Kroy]

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, so I can kind of see his bone.

Adam: Yeah, I’m kind of smelling his arm rot. But he knows the parts. Okay, Kroy, you’re on mat.

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: Daisy, do you deserve to go to Daytona?

[Cut to Daisy. She is on crutches.]

Daisy: Yes. I go hard. In two years, my elbows will be gagged and my brain will be Swiss Cheese. But for now, I cheer.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, and Daisy, your ankle melted yesterday? Correct?

[Cut to Daisy]

Daisy: Yes, ma’am.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: And what did you put on it?

[Cut to Daisy]

Daisy: Prayer.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, okay. The ankle is goo down there.

Adam: Yeah, it smells like soup.

Heidi: But she tumbles like a boy and she’s never had a mama, so we can mold her.

Adam: Daisy, you’re on mat!

[Cut to Daisy celebrating]

Daisy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, okay. Anyone else wanna make a case for themelves?

[Cut to Becky]

Becky: Yes. I just wanna say I deserve to be here because I’m a cheer-lebrity. Y’all know I’m the face of Stanky Leotards and chances are the tards you’re wearing are stankies!

[Cut to everybody. Becky shows her booty where it’s written ‘Stanky’.]

Heidi: Becky, why are you talking? You’re hot. You’re on now.

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Alright. It’s down to the wire. And I’m making an executive decision. All of y’all are on mat.

[Cut to the cheerleaders celebrating] [Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: Oh, I’m on mat? I’ve never been on mat. I will not let you down.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: No, Cooper. Not you. What did we tell you?

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: I’m always a maybe. I understand. Go team! [snaps and claps] [Cut to everybody] [a fellow cheerleader brings in Tony as his both legs are plastered.]

Tony: Do not worry about me. I’m okay. Cheer doctor says nothing is broken but nothing is connected.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: But Tony, can we count on you to be on mat at Daytona?

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Tony: Yes! I won’t be moving but I will be cheering nonsense the loudest.

[yelling] Chicken cheese and chips

Cheerleaders: Hoo-haa-haa!

[a fellow cheerleader brings in Mag on a wheelchair. She has all her body plastered.]

Adam: Meg, you’re back from the hospital. What happened?

[Cut to Meg]

Meg: Fine. I landed on my hut yesterday and I got stuck in my neck.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, Meg, we are two days off from Tona. Can you be on mat?

[Cut to Meg]

Meg: No.

[Cut to everybody. They cannot believe Meg just said no.]

Adam: Okay team. You know what that means?

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: I’m on mat.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: No, Cooper, you’re not on mat.

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: Understood. Good. And absolutely, do let me know to improve everyday.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: Memphis, can you be on map?

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Memphis: I can do anything you need.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Can you do flips?

Memphis: No.

Adam: Can you life?

Memphis: No.

Adam: Do you know the coreo?

Memphis: No, haven’t been watching

Heidi: What have you been doing during practice?

Memphis: Facing the wall and thinking about the girls.

Heidi: Okay, so I think he’s just been playing with himself.

Adam: Yea, it seems like it. Yea.

[banging sound] [Cut to everybody]

Memphis: What’s going on?

[everybody looking around. Terra runs in.]

Kroy: You fell off the ceiling.

Terra: Yeah. God gave me back.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay. Cut to the chase. Terra, can you be on mat?

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: Let’s see. [Cut to everybody. Terra does the stunt.] Chicken cheese and chips!

Cheerleaders: Hoo-haa-haa. Yay!

[The End]