New Video Game

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Knox… Ego Nwodim

Damian… Kit Harrington

Ethan… Mikey Day

Zombie… Chris Redd

[Starts with Pete Davidson going to play a VR video game in a video game store]

Pete Davidson: Dude, you’re going to love this game. Are the graphics as insane as everybody says they are?

Alex Moffat: Are you kidding me? “Earth War 3” It makes “Earth War 2” look like a Mario game. And in VR, forget about it.

Pete Davidson: Dope. Let’s smoke some zombies. [Cut to Video game] Yo, it’s like I’m actually there.

Alex Moffat: Right?

[Damian looks at the player]

Damian: Hey, you must be the new special division agent. I’m Damien. I run the safe house where you can upgrade gear and check progress. But first, find the weapons room.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Oh, wow. All right. I’m going to get the biggest gun they have.

Alex Moffat: Do it, dude.

[Cut to video game. Player walks to Ethan.]

Ethan: Hey, agent. I’m Ethan. I run the safe house with Damien. This is your mission hub. Or it will be once I get it up and running.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Uh, cool. Not here to talk. [Cut to Pete and Alex] Where are the guns at?

[Cut to video game. Player is looking for a gun, but runs into Damian.]

Damian: Hey, it’s me, Damien. I saw you talking to Ethan. I heard him say we run the safe house together. We don’t. I run it. He helps.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: All right.

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: Ethan’s nice but his ideas aren’t great. Like his mission hub.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: I just want to shoot zombies but these helper guys keep bending my ear.

Alex Moffat: Oh, NPCs? If you don’t want to talk to them, just hit ‘B’, dude!

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: Hey, I heard something weird about Ethan.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Skip.

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: I get it. You’re a busy man. Now go kick some ass.

[Ethan calls the player]

Ethan: Agent, there’s a zombie horde in sector 3. Come with me to gear up.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Finally. Thank you.

[Cut to video game. Ethan takes Player to a room.]

Ethan: Hey, I lied about the whole zombie horde thing so we can talk alone.

Pete Davidson: No!

Ethan: Is Damien like, mad at me? I think he’s jealous of the mission hub because it was my idea. Or it’s something else. What do you think?

[Three options appear in the game] [Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Shut up.

[Cut to video game. Ethan is talking to the Player.] [Pete presses skip button]

Ethan: Oh, I understand. You don’t have time to talk but let me guess, you have time to talk to Damien. This place is so toxic.

[Ethan leaves the room]

Pete Davidson: Are you kidding me?

[Damian enters the room]

Damian: Oh, my god. What wasn’t all that about?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Can I kill these guys?

[Pete starts hitting Damian] [Cut to video game. Player is hitting Damian.]

Damian: Watch it. Ouch. Be careful. Wa- Wa- Watch it.

Pete Davidson: Skip.

Damian: I get it, you’re a busy man. Go kick some ass.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Guns, now please!

[Cut to video game. Player gets out of the room and runs into Knox.]

Knox: Agent. There you are. I’m Knox, section commander. I’ll cut to the chase. What’s going on with Ethan and Damien? Get real with the bitch.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: No!

[Cut to video game. Knox is talking to the player.]

Knox: We’ll talk later. Anyway, the weapons storage room is that way. Good luck.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Oh, my god, finally!

[Cut to video game. Player walks to the weapons storage but runs into Ethan and Damian.]

Ethan: Hey, agent. Damien and I are hashing some stuff out.

Pete Davidson: No!

Damian: Yeah, we’re going to need a minute alone.

[Ethan closes the door]

Video Game Announcer: Storage room locked.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Are you kidding me?

[Cut to video game. Ethan and Damian are talking.]

Ethan: Any idea that’s not yours.

Damian: I mean, every time now, Ethan, for god’s sake.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Screw it, I’m going out without a gun.

Alex: Yeah!

[Cut to video game. Player opens the lab door.]

Video Game Announcer: Lab door open.

[Player walks outside the lab. A zombie confronts him.]

Zombie: Rawr! What’s the deal with Ethan and Damien?

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: No!

[Cut to video game]

Video Game Announcer: Game over!

Bachelorette Party | Season 44 Episode 17

Ego Nwodim

Erin… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Brian… Kit Harrington

Leslie Jones

Melissa Villaseñor

Mary… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a group of ladies having a bachelorette party]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, I would like to propose a toast to Erin and Brian.

Everybody: To Erin and Brian.

Erin: Thank you girls so much for throwing me this bachelorette party, it’s so nice having all my girls on one room, my high school friends and my real friends.

Aidy Bryant: What?

[The door knocks]

Ego Nwodim: Who could that be, a surprise visitor?

Erin: Oh, my god, you guys, I said no strippers.

Ego Nwodim: Okay, I think you’re going to like this one.

[Ego Nwodim goes to get the door]

Brian: Hello, ladies.

[Cut to the ladies]

Erin: Brian, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Ego and Brian]

Brian: Tonight, I’m not just your fiancé. I’m the entertainment.

[Cut to the ladies]

Leslie Jones: Wait, you fiancé is going to strip for you? That’s actually really sweet.

Melissa Villaseñor: And hot. I’ve been thinking I might want to see Brian’s body.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Hit it. [Music starts playing] Ladies, prepare yourselves for burlesque!

[Brian opens his jacket and starts dancing slowly. He’s wearing a female stripper’s clothes.] [Cut to Erin, Ego and Aidy]

Erin: Oh, my god!

Aidy Bryant: Wait. Is that the same thing as stripping?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: The art of slowly wearing less is burlesque. I hope you’re ready for the ‘40s because you’re about to see some bespoke ass. [Brian slaps his own ass] [Cut to Erin]

Erin: Brian, are you wearing heels?

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Oh, just little ones for posture. [Cut to Brian] Now, shh and prepare to edge as you watch me take off my glove. [Brian takes off his gloves] [Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: Did he just say edge?

Melissa Villaseñor: Faster! Show us your buddy uddy uddy.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Patience, ladies. Soon Eva Braun will reveal all.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ego Nwodim: And Eva Braun is—

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: My stage name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Erin: Eva Braun is Hitler’s girlfriend, right?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: No, wife.

Brian: I’m so naughty. See my leg, it’s covered in hair.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, yes. Thighs are good. Mama like.

Leslie Jones: Is it just me or—is he not really getting naked?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: This is burlesque.

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Oh, my god, who are you?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: I’m Mary. I teach your husband the art of seducing. Men are not meant for the tease. But, thankfully your husband is no man.

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Oh, thank you. I’m sorry, you’re a dance teacher?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Teacher, prostitute, ghost.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Naughty girl, looky looky and you might see my cookie cookie.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Finally. I think he’s going to show us his body.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Very close. It’s actually a tiny fan. [Brian shows a small fan] [Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: [Laughs] And he’s still not naked.

[Cut to everybody. Brian jumps on to the table.]

Ego Nwodim: Well, Brian, nice big panties.

Brian: Oh, thanks. I tucked.

Erin: You tucked?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Of course he tucked. It must be in the car seat, otherwise it flies through the window.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Oh, no, I felt a pop in my tuck. My tuck is popped and I ducked.

[Mary walks to Brian]

Mary: Just move often to the finale, okay? Look at down there, they are edging so hard.

[Brian jumps off the table]

Brian: This is for my wife.

[Brian opens his clothes. He’s wearing an underwear.] [Everybody cheers] [Cut to everybody] [Erin walks to Brian]

Erin: Oh! Brian, my goodness, that was [Cut to Erin and Brian] one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen. But you worked so hard on it and you did it for me. And I can’t wait to marry you.

Brian: Thank you, baby. I love you.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, great job. I’m going to be thinking about that body for a long time.

[Cut to Erin and Brian]

Brian: Well, thanks sis.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: That’s your sister?