Spring Break Game Show Cold Open

Cece Vuvuzela… Maya Rudolph

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Poots… Ego Nwodim

Lego… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV Spring Break live at Miami beach where the party don’t stop until the government mandated curfew. Next stop, it’s the number one game show for hot infectious singles – “Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed!”

[cheers and applause] [cut to Cece hosting the show]

Cece: Yes. Whoo! What’s up? Oh, what’s up, you guys? I am your host Cece Vuvuzela. I am here at beautiful Miami beach during global pandemic. We are so close to the end. Let’s ruin it! Okay, guys. When I say fourth, you say wave. Fourth!

Contestants: Wave!

Cece: Let’s go! Whoo! Today, three contestants will try and guess if our hidden lovely ladies are snatched – meaning the physique be right and tight, vaxed – and they got the anti-bodies-yadi-yadies, or waxed – a.k.a. smooth like a seal. That’s weird. Our equally important qualities. Ready boys?

Kyle: [excited] Oh, hell yeah!

Beck: Born this way.

Chris: My homie got me the vaccine two years ago. So, I’ve been straight for a minute.

Cece: Why don’t we meet our first covid cutie?

Madison: Hi, I’m Madison. I go to the university of high school where I major in home room. I’m here in Miami to either get covid or get laid.

Cece: Um, that’s good. Don’t let the pandemic change your priorities, right? What do you think, boys?

Kyle: That’s the voice of a girl with a small hard body if you please, ma’am. So, I’ma say snatched.

Beck: That sounded like a girl I hooked up with earlier today, so based off that I gotta say waxed.

Chris: Yo, she sounds like she’s down for anything crazy. So, I’ma say she got vaxed.

Cece: Tell em’ your deal.

Madison: I’m on Florida Adderal, man! So yeah, I’m snatched.

Cece: Oh, you guessed correct which means the two of you are headed to club Syph. With a capacity of 2,000, this place is literally on fire every night. Just make sure you go on before 10 because that’s when the cops stop firing pepper balls into your face.

Madison: Oh, pepper ball sounds fun. Let’s go do one.

[Madison and Kyle leave]

Cece: Snatched, Vaxed or waxed is brought to you by Spirit Airlines. “$10 flight to Miami. Don’t worry, we keep the windows open.” And AstraZeneca. “We put the ass in vassine”. Let’s meet our next hottie with the body.

Poots: Hey, I’m Poots and it’s technically not my spring break because I’m still going to Zoom school to be a therapist. Um-hmm, yeah, sorry sir, but you crazy. I’m gonna be a doctor.

Cece: Umm, what do we think, boys?

Chris: She sounded smart, so I gotta go with waxed.

Beck: I know she don’t want herpes, so I’m gonna say vaxed.

Cece: Uh-uh, neither of you guessed correctly. So, Poots is headed out on a date to the Versace Murder Steps all by herself.

Poots: I don’t wanna go there.

Cece: It’s not optional. Enjoy Miami. Let’s meet our final pandemic princess.

Lego: What’s up? I’m Lego and I actually can’t wear a mask coz it irritates my cold sores. So, I am anti-vaxed and anti-max. But I am laxed.

Chris: What are you saying?

Lego: I’m in laxed place.

Chris: Okay. You know what? She made a point saying she’s anti-vaxed. But I think she’s just flirting. So, I’ma say vaxed.

Cece: Oh, no, come on. You guys know no one partying in Miami is vaxed. [siren] Oh-oh, you know what that siren means.

Beck: [wearing his police vest] I’m actually a cop and that siren means I’m on duty now.

Cece: No. It means we take a shot and keep the party going. Please welcome people’s cousin Leopard.

[starting the party. Chris and Lego start danging]

Chris: Alright, alright, everybody out. Everybody out. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Cece: Oh, no, smoke bombs. That means they’re closing the bridges. We gotta go. I am Cece and it was all worth it. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Hot Ones

Sean Evans… Mikey Day

Beyonce… Maya Rudolph

DeMichelangelo… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Agent… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: “Hot Ones”, the show where celebrities answer hot questions while eating even hotter wings.

[Cut to the show]

Sean: Hi, I’m Sean Evans. I’m joined today by royalty Grammy winning recording artist, actress and icon, Deyonce Knowles-Carter. It is truly an honor.

Beyonce: Yeah, I know.

Sean: Like, I cannot believe you’re on hot ones.

Beyonce: I feel you. I can’t tell if this is beneath me. But my sister, Solange loves this show and said I’d have fun. So…

Sean: Well, I’m glad she did. So, we can start with a mild wing here.

Beyonce: Mild? Come on, now. I’m from Texas, baby. This girl can handle her wings. Let’s start with this one right here.

Sean: Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it. Let’s do it. [showing the chilly sauce] This is Hitler’s anus roasted reaper sauce with the scoville rating of 135,600.

[both eat the wings]

Beyonce: [looking nervous] I don’t love that name but the wing look good.

Sean: Alright. You said in the 26th Vanity Fair article that as a child, being on stage set you free. Can you talk more about that?

Beyonce: Well. I was a shy kid. Umm… this is good, by the way. Spicy, though. But when I got– Whoo! Okay. This wing came correct. It’s very hot. I’m good though.

Sean: Okay. You have some ice water and milk there if you need any.

Beyonce: I’m not gonna drink big fat glass of milk on camera. That’s not a good look for Beyonce.

Sean: Yeah. Milk isn’t like, a sexy drink. I’m sorry. Now, there’s a lyrics in Bills, Bills, Bills. Are you okay?

[Beyonce is sweating all over her face]

Miss Knowles-Carter, are you good? Beyonce?

Beyonce: [spooky voice] Sorry, I’m good. Your girl’s throat just closed up for a second thought. Let’s do the next wing.

Sean: Okay. Are you sure?

Beyonce: Definitely, boo.

Sean: Okay. Alright. Next up, we have the Devil’s Diarrhea Scorpion sauce, scoville rating of 676,000.

[both eat the wigs]

Yeah, good, right? So, after the Destiny’s Child’s performance at the 2016 Super Bowl, fans speculated a possible–

Beyonce: Oh, damn!

Sean: Um, is there any chance–

Beyonce: [screaming] Ah! Sorry, what?

Sean: Um, is there any chance of reunion?

Beyonce: [screaming] Ooh! Kiss my ass! I’m sweating. Beyonce’s head is wet. Damn, this wing is recking me. I need to hydrate. [drinking water] Oh, this isn’t helping. Damn, water makes it worse. Oh lord, why is it worse? [starts drinking milk] Got my ass drinking milk now. Room temp milk? For real? Oh, Solange in trouble now!

Sean: Is Destiny’s Child reunion something you’ve thought about? No! No! Don’t touch your eyes!

[Beyonce is wiping away her tears with her hands]

Beyonce: I know that now, you bald ass bitch. Oh, my whole head is on fire. Where is my hair stylist? DeMichelangelo, come to my side.

DeMichelangelo: Yes, B.

Beyonce: Argh! I need you to take my wig off, put six ice cubes on my head, then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But B, you on camera.

Beyonce: I don’t care. Take my wig off. Put six ice cubes on my head then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But I don’t have my wig gloves. I might grease the hair, B.

Beyonce: Do it now or I will stomp you to death.

DeMichelangelo: Yes. Of course, B. Oh my lord, I’m doing a wig pop with my bare hands. Oh Jesus, help me.

[trying to take Beyonce’s wig off]

Ego: Hey! Hey! Hey! Bald man, do not film B taking her wig off. No. Not gonna happen.

Sean: We can always edit it out.

Ego: No. Doesn’t matter. I don’t want the footage to exist. B, you good? Oh, she’s good. Continue.

Beyonce: [her hair is all messed up] I’m alright. I’m alright. Proceed.

Sean: Okay. Can you talk about the origin of this ‘now iconic’ move?

Beyonce: I forget.

Sean: Oh really? You don’t remember where it came from at all?

Beyonce: Dude, it’s taking all my concentration to keep from blowing out my pants on you Junkie ass show.

Sean: Okay. So, you need to stop?

Beyonce: Beyonce don’t quit. You have any more sauces out there?

Sean: There are six.

Beyonce: Oh, hell no. Get my agent out here. Tod, shut it down.

[Agents walk in shutting down the show]

Agent: Okay, folks. This never happened. Yeah? I need all footage and audio files destroyed. If you leave here without signing an NDA, you will be shot. Okay?

Boomers Got the Vax

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Kenan Thompson

Maya Rudolph

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

E-dith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with video clips from the news]

Newscaster: A majority of baby boomers have been vaccinated. Have been vaccinated.

[music playing]

Have been vaccinated, vaccinated
Vaccinated, vaccinated, vaccinated

Chris: Baby boomers, greatest generation
Got all the money, now we got the vaccination
Crash the economy, three whole times
But when it comes to the vax, we the first in line

Mikey: Got a job out of college, no student debt
Retirement funded, 100%
Voted for Trump, but just for the taxes
Don’t believe in Covid, still got the vaxes

Kyle: Pzifer, Moderna, I know you wur-na
Get one, but you gotta wait your tur-na
I get to the vax site, I get what I want son
You get what’s left bitch – Johnson & Johnson!

All: Money, stacked
Pants, khaks
Arm, vaxxed
No, mask

Chris: Biggest generation, ain’t no stopping me
Never gonna die, draining social security

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
No rumors, just facts, yeah
Give it up if you’re 70+
Everyone else gettin’ jealous of us, jealous of us

Kenan: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(How you livin’ ladies?)
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(Hah)

Maya: Ow! Covid can’t touch me now
Low mask in the store, nose poking out
When it’s time to pay, I whip the coupons out
Even though I got the stimmy in the bank account

Aidy: Y’all can’t see? Lemme give you a clear sense
We out here spending your inheritance
You in the parking lot eating by the trash right
We in the booth reading menus with the flashlight

Kate: Yeah, I know you missed us
Might book a trip on the Diamond Princess
Eat all the food, drink all the booze
Sail all the cruise, while you still on the Zoom

AllJob, retired
Climate, deniered
License, expired
But we still on fire

Maya: Stop by my house
Give my grandkids a hug
Now get the f— out
I’m tryna have fun!

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
Everyone else get to the back (get back), yeah
We comin’ first like we always do
We jumpin’ in front of you, and you, and you (And uh)
And you (And uh), and you (Uh), and you (Uh)

Kenan: I-M-M-U-N-I-T-Y
That’s what I got, I got bodies-anti
I got the shot, that’s just how it is
You locked inside, homeschooling my grandkids
I know you wanna live large like me
I got the big ass house and the SUV
I got the second house too, and the third house, three
And the place in Vermont, and one in Miami
Damn, I got five houses?
That’s a lot. Hm, good for me.

Chris: Hit the links with the drinks for another golf sess
You on the vax website hittin’ the refresh
You whine and cry while we dine inside
We run the world since 1945, hah!

Mikey: Me? I spend my time playing tennis
Two things that don’t work, me and my pen-is
My shirt (What about it?), you know it’s gettin’ tucked
And my wife (What about her?), she left me (Oh)

E-dith Puthie: Hold up, hold up, I ain’t had my say yet
Yo, tell ’em what my name is

KenanEdith, Edith, Edith, Edith
E-dith Puthie!

E-dith Puthie: Edith Puthie on the track, you know I’m vaxxed out
Pop a Cialis, come throw yo’ back out
Hands in the air like your shoulder don’t hurt
Drop that ass to the floor like your knees still work

Melissa: Boomers got the vax, uhh
Boomers got the vax

Kenan: It is what it is sucka

 

Vaccine Game Show Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

Jane F. … Heidi Gardner

Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villseñor

Ronald… Bowen Yang

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping] [cheers and applause]

Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.

[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]

Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.

[cheers and applause]

Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?

Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.

[cheers and applause]

Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.

[cheers and applause]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–

Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–

Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–

Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.

[cheers and applause]

Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.

Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.

Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–

Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?

Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.

Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?

Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.

Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?

[Jane F. leaves]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.

[Kendall Frye walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.

Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.

Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.

Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.

Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.

Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?

Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.

Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.

Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow!

[Kendall Frye walks out]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.

[cheers and applause]

Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?

Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.

Melissa: You don’t know?

Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.

Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?

Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.

[cheers and applause]

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.

[cheers and applause]

Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.

Andrew Cuomo: You win.

Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.

Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?

Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.

Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?

Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?

Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.

Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?

Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?

Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?

Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.

Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!

Seymour Foreman: Oh no!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show Nick Jonas Dua Lipa

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

The Weeknd… Kenan Thompson

Nick Jonas

Andrew Dismukes

Dua Lipa… Melissa Villaseñor

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s the very best. Gets it all off her chest. She’s multi-platinum and knows what’s happening. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. [cheers and applause] Welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I ask celebrities whatever I want to know. Thanks as alway to my producer and my niece, Britney.

Britney: Ay, glad to be here, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: And now, for today’s top new stories.

[music playing] [singing] I know I’ll never love this way again
Hold on, hold on

Yeah. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest, the Weeknd.

[The Weeknd walks in]

Okay, what is your whole situation?

The Weeknd: Hi, I’m a performer. Maybe you saw me at the Super Bowl.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. You gave me vertigo. Now, Mr. Weeknd, you are addicted to plastic surgery, correct?

The Weeknd: Um, no.

Dionne Warwick: When you say, “I can’t feel my face”, is that coz it’s fake now?

The Weeknd: Oh, no. The plastic surgery wasn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Okay now, here’s a question. Why are you from Canada?

The Weeknd: I don’t understand.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Okay. Alright. Thank you for participating. Wonderful. Goodbye. Take care. Yeah. [The Weeknd walks away] Alright. Fantastic. Well, my next guest is the reason all my assistants got blow outs today. Please welcome Nick Jonas.

[Nick Jonas walks in]

Nick Jonas: Thank you so much for having me.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. Explain yourself.

Nick Jonas: I’m Nick Jonas. I’m a coach on Voice.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. I have heard that you are the most boring coach even though one of the other coaches is John Legend. How is that possible?

Nick Jonas: I don’t know.

Dionne Warwick: Now, you have a song “What a man gotta do”. What’s that about? Going down town? He’s got to do it.

Nick Jonas: I can’t argue with you there.

Dionne Warwick: Now, what is ‘cake by the ocean’? Who the hell wants to eat a sandy cake?

Nick Jonas: Well, that’s my brother’s song. But some people say it’s euphemism for sex on the beach.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Well, now I like your ass. Alright.

Nick Jonas: Again, not my bag.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, now, do you and your brothers ever fight?

Nick Jonas: Sometimes.

Dionne Warwick: Could you fight Windy Williams for me?

Nick Jonas: I don’t think so.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Last question. [showing Priyanka Chopra’s photo] Your wife looks like this. Now, show us your penis.

Nick Jonas: I’m not gonna do that.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, thank you for being here. [Nick Jonas walks out] Now, Britney, I was nominated for the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. And I need enough votes to get in. Am I beating the Goo Goos?

Britney: Oh, not yet, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Foo Fighters?

Britney: Nope. No, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Kate Buzz?

Britney: You kicking her butt, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, good. I don’t have to win but I cannot lost. Okay, now for our animal segment.

[music playing] [Dionne Warwick walks towards Andrew. He is standing with a white parrot]

Andrew: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Today we’re going to–

Dionne Warwick: [singing and dancing] Keep smiling, keep shining
knowing you can always come for me
for sure, that’s what friends are for

Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat]

Yeah. Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Dua Lipa.

[Dua Lipa walks in]

Dua Lipa, now, why would you make your name nasty? That Spanish for ‘two lips’. You are hussie in disguise.

Dua Lipa: That’s just my real name. Maybe you know me from my songs.

[singing] I got no rules–

Dionne Warwick: Okay. So, here’s a question. Lil’ Yachty. A yacht is supposed to be big. If you’re a little yacht, you are simply a boat.

Dua Lipa: Don’t know the answer to that.

Dionne Warwick: Now, Windy Williams once called you Dula Pip. My last question is, should we egg her house?

Dua Lipa: Sure.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, then. We gonna take my car, baby. [passing the car keys to Dua Lipa] Alright. Thank you for coming. [Dua Lipa walks out] Alright. Our next guest, I talked to him back stage and I am okay with this.

Britney: But auntie, you weren’t good with it the last time.

Dionne Warwick: No. No, no, no. Now, I’m alright. I understand he is a very nice fan. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Hey!

Dionne Warwick: Na-na-na. Get hm out of here. He is too scary.

Britney: You said you were okay with it this time.

Dionne Warwick: Baby, I change my mind. He has got to go.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Peace. Late. [walks out]

Dionne Warwick: Much better. Audience, okay. We’re at the best part of the show. Go ahead and look under your seats. Everybody gets a–

[music playing] [singing] The moment I wake up

[The audience look under their seats]

Audience: It’s ticket to the Dionne Warwick talk show.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. See you tomorrow.

Bachelor Party

Nick Jonas

Mickey… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with couple of buys having a bachelor’s party]

Nick: Hey, listen up. Hey, listen. To Mickey’s last few days of freedom.

All: Yes.

Nick: Hell yes.

Kyle: Hey, I always thought you were going to marry Trisha Kentworth from Mrs. Christianson’s class.

Mikey: What?

Mickey: Yeah. It’s something from growing up.

Nick: Well, I just want to say you’re an amazing friend and I’m really proud to be your best man.

All: Cheers!

[doorbell ringing]

Nick: Oh, could that be the pizzas?

[Nick runs to answer open the door]

Mickey: What? No. Please tell me you didn’t. No. You guys. Oh my god.

[Two women wearing tight leather dresses walk in with pizza boxes]

Ego: Did someone order an extra large sausage?

Heidi: I might have to blow on it. [takes a whip out of the pizza box] [Ego and Heidi start dancing]

Mickey: [to Nick] Hey, man, this is really special. Thank you.

Nick: Of course, man.

[Everything turns dar and spotlight turns on Mickey] [music playing]

Mickey: [singing] Well, I’m gonna marry the woman that I love
but first a tradition long spoken of
I’ve waited for this moment all of my life
to get hard with my friends before I marry my wife

Bowen: I’m drinking beer and hard alcohol
getting hard with my brother in law

Now I see what my sister sees
coz he’s got a boner next to me

Nick: I’m getting hard with my homies
boned up next to my pals
you only get one bachelor party
might as well spend it around

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends

one night away from our lame ass lives
we’ll get hard and then it all ends

[the women are looking confused]

Nick: Oh, I got to plan the evening
his last night as a free man

but getting in trouble with the guys
yes, that was my only plan

Alex: I needed this, oh I needed this
I’m married with kids and I needed this
I must get woody all my night away
coz if I don’t then I think I’ll go cray

All: Boner, boner, boner,
that’s what tonight’s all about
every single tent is pitched
except for the guy who passed out

Kyle: I’m the friend from home
I’m feeling like a loner
these guys don’t get our inside jokes
that’s why I need my boner
coz it don’t matter where you’re from
just get a hard on and sing along

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends
we all got hard in one big room
and we’re never discussing again

Mickey: These are my best friends
my brotherhood, my crew
and we honor a timeless tradition
my dad got hard with his friends too

Nick: Um, amazing job, ladies.

Ego: We didn’t do anything.

Heidi: Yeah, you just sang about your stiffy ding dongs the whole time.

Mickey: Ha-ha. Come on, break it in, guys. Come here.

Kyle: I love you, Micky.

Mickey: I love you guys.

Amusement Park

Brett… Mikey Day

Malcolm… Nick Jonas

Cug… Kyle Mooney

Brinkley… Heidi Gardner

Fresian… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a bunch of young people on a line at the amusement park]

Gate keeper: Alright, next riders, please?

Brett: I’m so glad World of Fun reopened. I thought they were going to have to cancel our junior year trip.

Malcolm: Dude, I still can’t believe you won the stuffed guy from soul.

Cug: [holding a human size stuffed guy] I know. I’ve like, never won the ring toss. My lucky day I guess.

Brett: Also, Brinkley, like, how have you never ridden the Viking Voyager?

Brinkley: I don’t know. I think water’s scary.

Fresian: Oh my god. Me too. I’m like a full baby in the shower.

Malcolm: You know, the Viking Voyager is sick. I’ll protect you.

Fresian: Okay, now shut up.

Cug: Oh, so you two are like, riding together?

Malcolm: Oh, I straight up don’t care.

Brinkley: Oh, we have to pair up for the ride, huh?

Brett: Yeah. How many even is it to, like, a flume?

Cug: I think it’s two max. I think typically guy-girl. But I don’t care.

Brett: Yeah. Well, I feel like Fresian and Malcolm said they’d ride together.

Fresian: Oh, I don’t care. Sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Like, whatever makes sense to the group. Like, height wise?

Brett: Oh, okay. Well, if it’s height wise, I guess it’s me and Brinkley makes sense?

Brinkley: Yeah. I mean, height wise I feel like that checks out. So then Cug, would you be cool riding with the guy from soul?

Cug: Um, I kind of feel like I rode with him on the last ride and the ride before that. So, I think it makes sense for me to ride with a person or a girl this time. But literally, all I care about is getting wet.

Malcolm: Wait, Brinkley and Brett, didn’t you ride on the Zulu together?

Brett: We did? Did we?

Brinkley: What? I think I either rode alone or with the guy from soul.

Cug: No. Pretty sure Joe Gardner has only ridden with me.

Malcolm: Wait. Who’s Joe Gardner?

Cug: Um, the guy from soul. Yeah. I definitely remember being with him on the Zulu and the Mamba. I don’t care. But if we want to keep it even, I don’t think I should be riding with the guy from soul.

Fresian: Like, hey, I mean, I can ride with you, Cug. Malcolm, you cool to ride with the guy from soul?

Malcolm: Well, isn’t this the one where you like, kind of sit on each other’s laps?

Brinkley: Wait, you do? Like, how does that work?

Brett: I don’t know. I think we have enough time to do like, a demo? Like, just to practice.

Brinkley: Okay.

Brett: [walks to a boat] Okay. So, I guess, I’ll sit here. And then you’d be between my legs I guess.

Brinkley: Oh, like, you want me to try?

Brett: Yeah. For like, height.

Brinkley: [they sit together] Oh, yeah, height.

Brett: Coz I don’t care. But if–

Cug: I feel like for height, I’d be better behind?

Brinkley: Oh, no. This is good for height.

Brett: Yeah.

Malcolm: [to Fresian] Should we–?

Fresian: Demo how to sit? Yeah, sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Okay. So, I’d be like this.

Fresian: [they sit together] Okay. Yeah.

Malcolm: And then you’d be here. But then, like, what do I do with my arms? Because I don’t want them to get wet.

Fresian: Yeah. I think they’d be like my seatbelt like this. [pulling Malcolm’s hands across her waist]

Malcolm: Okay.

Brett: Um, we actually didn’t demo that. Should we practice?

Brinkley: Like, for height?

Brett: Yes. For height.

Brinkley: Sure.

Brett: I guess like this. [Brett just holds Brinkley from the behind]

Brinkley: Cug, would you want to try getting in with the guy from the soul? Like, for height?

Cug: Um, okay.

Malcolm: Alright, all your’s, Cug.

Cug: Thanks. [taking the seat on the boat] So, I guess I’d be back here.

Brinkley: Yeah. And Joe would be in your lap, Cug.

Cug: So, like this?

Malcolm: Yeah. But that doesn’t make sense height wise, Cug.

Brinkley: Yeah. He is taller than you, Cug.

Fresian: Yeah. So, he should be behind you, Cug.

Cug: Okay. So, I’m in his lap?

Brett: Exactly, Cug.

Cug: Okay. [he puts the stuffed guy behind and he sits up front.] So, let me just get him around. So, it it like this?

Brinkley: Yeah, Cug.

Malcolm: Yeah. Then his arms are like a seatbelt, Cug.

Cug: Oh, okay. So, like this?

Brinkley: Yes. Are you comfortable, Cug?

Cug: I guess. But, I don’t want to hug the guy from soul. If someone else wants to take a spin? Soul guy going once, going twice,

All: No. No, pass.

Gate keeper: All parties here, folks?

All: Yes. Here we go.

Gate keeper: Have fun, Cug.

Cug: It’s Robert. I don’t know why they keep calling me that.

Lets Say Grace

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Carl… Regé-Jean Page

Dale… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Dana… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a family get together]

Aidy: Well, there they are.

[Everyone greeting each other]

Ego: It’s so nice for you all to have us over. This house is lovely.

Carl: Man, look at all this food. You all having a whole football team over?

[everyone laughing]

Aidy: No, no, no. This is just what we do when new neighbors drop by. We act neighborly. So, this is buffet style. Grab a plate and go to town.

Dale: Now, before we dig in, our family usually says a little prayer. Is that okay? Y’all church going people?

Ego: Oh, absolutely.

Kenan: Absolutely. Have been Mr. Sunday since 81.

Dale: Well, that’s good. I’mma get my youngest Charlie to say grace. Go ahead, Charlie.

Charlie: Um, okay. Thank you for this food. Bless us as we eat. Amen.

All: Amen.

Aidy: Well, that was really nice. Okay now, we got two kinds of taters and my famous cheese biscuits.

Kenan: Uh, you know what? I hate to keep us from eating, but I feel like that prayer was incomplete.

Ego: Um-hmm, yeah. You know, I don’t feel comfortable eating this food until it is properly blessed. That’s how folks get sick.

Kenan: So, I’ll get my oldest Carl to bless us. Go ahead, Carl.

Carl: Alright. Thank you lord for this beautiful, boundful food. Thank you to those who raised it, picked it, chucked and cleaned it.

Dale: Amen, wonderful.

Carl: I’m not done. Processed it, packaged it, rubbed it, flipped it and reversed it. In the name of the father, the son, the nieces, the nephews, the second cousins. Once removed, twice removed and twice returned.

Ego: Um-hmm, baby, now don’t forget the holy trinity, okay? Earth, wind and fire. Bell Biv Devoe. And the holiest of trinities, the children of destiny, Beyonce, Kelly and I suppose, Michelle.

Punkie: Um, yes. And may the holy ghost greet with a blessed peek-a-boo.

Chris: And lead us not into temptation but deliver us Amazon Prime for free.

All: Amen.

Kenan: Very nice.

Ego: Lovely.

Aidy: Alright. Well, that was a beautiful effort. And hey, if we’re praying like really praying, let’s kick up a notch, huh? So, I’m gonna ask my post-pubescent daughter, Dana, to give us something a little more spirited.

Dana: [angry] Mom!

Aidy: [angry] I said my busty daughter is going to give us something spirited. Now, do what you learned in church camp.

Dana: Argh! Okay, fine! [gets a mic and starts rocking her body. Her brother, mother and father also start rocking their bodies] Alright, let’s get our hand clap going. There we go. There we go.

Jeremiah came down.

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of oil

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jebediah came down

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of water

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jeremiah, Jebediah, oh, they gotta be in their way. Amen.

Dale: Alright. That’s a prayer.

[Kenan’s family is planning too]

Chris: That was real nice. Real cute now. Yeah.

Kenan: I think we maybe can do a little better. Um-hmm. Bernadeth, it’s time. Bring in the big dogs.

Punkie: The big dogs.

Aidy: Um, wow. Okay.

Charlie: Y’all came prepared.

Dana: Yeah, they don’t teach this at church camp.

[Kenan’s family all have paper fans with gods’ pictures on them]

Kenan: Um-hmm, and we got this here Beats Pill. [pulls out a bluetooth sound speaker]

Dale: Okay. You’re on sound system. Very cool.

[music starts playing]

Kenan: Alright everybody. Raise your hands up for it’s time to pray away what’s on the layer way. Here we go.

Ego: [singing] Now, who gave all the fishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Ego: And washed all your dirty dishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Who turned water into wine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: And milk into moonshine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Break it down now, Dale!

Dale: Who, me? Alright.

[Dale starts to break dance]

All: Go, Dale! Go, Dale!

Kenan: Now, raise your hands in the air
if you want to say a short prayer
and when we bless this food, make it taste real good
somebody say “Oh, yeah!”

All: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Amen…

Actors Spotlight

Pam Barrett… Ego Nwodim

Kingsley Ben-Adir… Regé-Jean Page

Daniel Kaluuya… Chris Redd

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Pam hosting the show]

Pam: What’s up, guys? Pam Barrett here with you on After Spotlight, where we highlight a profession the media often overlooks – Actors. We have three incredible guests with us today. First, Kingsley Ben-Adir is having a moment. He plays Malcom X in acclaimed movie “One night in Miami”. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Kingsley: That’s why this move that we are in is called struggle. Because we are fighting for our lives.

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: Thank you for being here.

Kingsley: [with accent] Wonderful to be here as well.

Pam: I’m sorry. Say that again?

Kingsley: Um… Wonderful to be here.

Pam: Wait… You’re British?

Kingsley: Yeah, that’s right.

Pam: Oh my god. Your accent, you changed it. You tricked me.

Kingsley: I mean, well, I am an actor. It’s my job, ain’t it?

Pam: [laughing hard] Ain’t it? Yeah, it is. You so crazy, Kingsley. Wow. Okay, you know, let’s go to Daniel Kaluuya who is getting some Oscar buzz for his movie “Judas and the black Messiah”. Here, he is a Black Panther party leader Fred Hampton. Take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Daniel: I believe I’m here and I’m doing what I was born for because I live for my people. Because I love the people. I’m gonna fight for the people. Because I will die for the people.

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: An amazing performance.

Daniel: [with accent] Hello love. You alright, yeah?

Pam: Hold up. Another one? You’re British too?

Daniel: I suppose so, yeah?

Pam: [laughing] Oh my god. Okay, this is so crazy. Were you British when you made “Ghetto”?

Daniel: Hah? Indeed I was. Yeah.

Pam: I’m just so impressed. God, what can’t you two do?

Kingsley: Well, I mean, looks like we can’t carry a legal American passport.

Pam: [laughing hard] Oh my god. You just thought that right now? Okay. And finally, Ice Cube is here. He is in new movie coming out in Hulu Atlanta called “Are we there yet? And if not, why?” Take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Ice Cube: Yo! Get your ass in this car. We gotta get there. Man, if you don’t get in here, we’ll never get there!

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: Welcome, Cube.

Ice Cube: Well, lovely to be here. It’s a real tippy-topper.

Pam: Hold up. Are you trying to do the British accent?

Ice Cube: Na, na. I’m actually Bri-ish. [trying to speak with accent]

Pam: Cube, come on. You don’t have to do this.

Ice Cube: Do what? Be a young handsome cri-ikly acclaimed Bri-ish actor (critically acclaimed British actor)? I’m British from Jolly Old London town.

Kingsley: You’re from London, yeah? I was born off Kentish town. What part you from?

Ice Cube: Oh me? Ma, I grew up in tickle buckle circle.

Kingsley: Yeah, I’m not sure I’ve heard that one, mate.

Ice Cube: Oh, come on, mate. It’s right near muggle pipas cross.

Pam: Come on. You’re Ice Cube. You’re from South Central Los Angeles. It’s in every one of your songs. You know, I know a lot of Brits win Oscars playing Americans but you don’t have to do this.

Ice Cube: I don’t need no Bloo-i Osca (bloody Oscar). I already won three pudding boys.

Kingsley: Just be yourself, mate. We love you. Ice Cube’s an American legend.

Ice Cube: Well, me name is not Ice Cube in Brit-in (Britain).

Kingsley: Yeah? What is it?

Ice Cube: Coldy Squares.

Kingsley: Coldy Squares? Come on, man.

Pam: It’s not even– What is?

Daniel: Bruv, if you’re actually British, what do we call bars in the UK?

Ice Cube: Ye olde slurp and burp.

Daniel: Well, your American accent is perfect. Where did you learn it from?

Ice Cube: Oh, I wotch a loh (watch a lot) of FRIENDS.

Kingsley: Come on, fam, that’s what everyone says.

Ice Cube: Well, yeah, where did you learn American accent?

Kingsley: From watching Ice Cube movies.

Daniel: Yeah. “Friday”. “Boys in the hood”. Classics, bro.

Kingsley: You’re OG, man. You paved the way for all of us just being authentically you. Come on. Be real.

Ice Cube: [thinks for a second] Well, ain’t tha a pimp? You kicking me bimbly begins.

Pam: Okay. Not gonna buzz on this, huh? Alright, let’s go to commercial. Next step, we’ll go live from London and talk to start of the “Undoing”, Hugh Grant.

[Cut to Hugh in his home]

Hugh: [with accent]Yes, hello. It’s wonderful to be here. Pardon, is that Coldy Squares from tickle buckle circle?

Ice Cube: Ay! You win!

Hugh: I haven’t seen you since the 2010 Pudding Boys.

Pam: Um-umm. Okay, ya’ll. We have entered the Matrix. Let’s get on out of here.

Whats Your Type

DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim

Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong

Kendra… Regina King

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Link… Mikey Day

[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]

DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.

[Tampa walks in]

Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?

DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.

[Kendra walks in]

Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?

Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.

Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…

DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…

Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?

Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.

Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.

Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.

DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.

Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.

Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.

Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.

[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you

Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.

Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?

Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.

Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.

Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.

Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.

DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.

Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]

Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]

Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?

Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.

Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.

Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?

Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.

Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.

Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…

[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house

Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.

Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?

Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.

Kendra: Check please.

Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?

Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.

Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.

Link: Yeah.

[Kendra and Link walk to each other]

Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.

Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.

[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]

Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.