Eileen… Kate McKinnon
Evelyn… Aidy Bryant
Casey… Paul Rudd[Starts with Paul Rudd, Tina Fey, Tom Hanks and Kenan Thompson on SNL stage]
Paul Rudd: This first piece, I shot on Thursday night with Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon. It’s about holiday gifts.[Cut to the sketch. Eileen and Evelyn are on the commercial shooting set. Casey walks to them.]
Eileen: You look gorgeous.
Evelyn: You too.
Casey: Evelyn., Eileen, welcome. We’re so glad you’re doing our commercial. We know how much you love home goods.
Eileen: Yeah, we sure do.
Evelyn: Yeah, maybe too much.
Casey: I’m the director, Casey Home Goods. And I got this job on merit.
Casey: Anyway, it can be hard to know what to get moms for the holidays. That’s why we wanted to ask real moms what they actually want. Think you can do that?
Eileen: Well, I should think so.
Evelyn: Yeah, I think We can handle that.
Casey: Awesome. Let’s give it a whirl. And action. Okay moms, what do you want for the holidays?
Eileen: Oh, nothing. I’m not fussy.
Evelyn: Don’t spend too much.
Casey: No, really? What would you like?
Eileen: Maybe… No, I don’t know.
Evelyn: Just a small… Nothing.
Casey: Seriously. You can be honest. What do you really want?
Casey: Okay, sure. But what do you want this year?
Casey: What about something from Home Goods?
Eileen: Grandchildren. A son for my son.
Evelyn: Five grandchildren.
Casey: I think we’ve got grandchildren. Maybe we could just branch out.
Evelyn: A fuzzy blanket to swallow grandchildren.
Eileen: Um, oh, a cake stand.
Casey: Hey, there you go.
Eileen: With grandchildren on top.
Casey: Can you just say sweater?
Casey: Just to have it.
Evelyn: Baby sweater.
Casey: Okay. Just sweaters.
Evelyn: Just baby.
Casey: Cut. Okay, so the thing about home goods is that we can’t actually sell grandchildren.
Eileen: That sounds like a you problem.
Evelyn: Yeah, can you check in the back?
Evelyn: Well, sorry. Well, I mean, we’ve never been actor before.
Eileen: Yeah, we’ve also never said what we want out loud before. So that feels pretty good.
Casey: I get it. Sure. You know what? Let’s try gifts for somebody else. All right. Action. Moms know Home Goods is the best place for family gifts. What’s on your list this year?
Eileen: I want Kelsey to be full of my son.
Evelyn: I want the son stuff to go in Kelsey.
Casey: Oh my God.
Eileen: I want her daughter fertilized.
Evelyn: I want them to do the naked marriage dance.
Eileen: Fulfill the wedding promise.
Evelyn: I want the baby to come out of Kelsey so I can take it to Red Lobster.
Casey: Items that cost money.
Eileen: Scissors to cut holes in condoms to give to Kelsey.
Casey: What? No!
Eileen: Candles to light around the living room so they make grandchildren on the carpet.
Eileen: You sell oysters here?
Casey: No, of course not.
Evelyn: I feel like I bought oysters.
Casey: Cut. Look, you two are some of our biggest Home Goods shoppers. Just today, you bought hand soap that smells like wine, 8×10 canvas with the word encourage on it.
Evelyn: A good reminder.
Casey: You know what? I’m just gonna feed you some things that we do sell. And then you just say them back. Alright? Crockpot.
Casey: Nope. Milk frother.
Eileen: Milk daughter.
Casey: Christmas wreath.
Evelyn: Boy named Keith.
Casey: Mr. Klen Magic Eraser.
Eileen: Many magic children faster.
Casey: Coffee table book.
Casey: Cut. I don’t know why you guys are so hung up on grandchildren.
Eileen: Casey. Do you have kids?
Casey: No, no way. Too much responsibility. I mean, kids are cute. It’s nice to see them every once in a while. But not all the time.
Casey: I mean, sure, it would be fun to take a little scamp who looks like me on the Ferris Wheel. Say good job when she does cartwheels on my lawn. Oh my God. I want grandchildren. Grandchildren are amazing. They don’t blame you for anything. They just play clarinet and get into college. I want them.
Evelyn: I want to take them to the Science Museum and buy them a necklace in the gift shop that’s got a little bug in it.
Eileen: I want to say something weird that makes them consider having a confrontation with me. And then do the math on how long I have and decide not to bother.
Casey: Yeah. I want to have weird opinions about Israel. Not bad. Weird.
Evelyn: Yes, it’s the wrong shape.
Casey: You guys are right. I’m sorry.
Eileen: It’s over. Yeah.[phone ringing]
Evelyn: Oh, that’s me.
Kelsey: Mama. It’s Kelsey. I’m pregnant.
Evelyn: We did it!
Casey: It’s happening!