Tag: Eileen

HomeGoods

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Evelyn… Aidy Bryant

Casey… Paul Rudd

[Starts with Paul Rudd, Tina Fey, Tom Hanks and Kenan Thompson on SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: This first piece, I shot on Thursday night with Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon. It’s about holiday gifts.

[Cut to the sketch. Eileen and Evelyn are on the commercial shooting set. Casey walks to them.]

Eileen: You look gorgeous.

Evelyn: You too.

Casey: Evelyn., Eileen, welcome. We’re so glad you’re doing our commercial. We know how much you love home goods.

Eileen: Yeah, we sure do.

Evelyn: Yeah, maybe too much.

Casey: I’m the director, Casey Home Goods. And I got this job on merit.

Evelyn: Okay.

Casey: Anyway, it can be hard to know what to get moms for the holidays. That’s why we wanted to ask real moms what they actually want. Think you can do that?

Eileen: Well, I should think so.

Evelyn: Yeah, I think We can handle that.

Casey: Awesome. Let’s give it a whirl. And action. Okay moms, what do you want for the holidays?

Eileen: Oh, nothing. I’m not fussy.

Evelyn: Don’t spend too much.

Casey: No, really? What would you like?

Eileen: Maybe… No, I don’t know.

Evelyn: Just a small… Nothing.

Casey: Seriously. You can be honest. What do you really want?

Eileen: Grandchildren.

Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Casey: Okay, sure. But what do you want this year?

Eileen: Grandchildren.
Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Casey: What about something from Home Goods?

Eileen: Grandchildren.

Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Eileen: Grandchildren. A son for my son.

Evelyn: Five grandchildren.

Casey: I think we’ve got grandchildren. Maybe we could just branch out.

Evelyn: A fuzzy blanket to swallow grandchildren.

Casey: Closer.

Eileen: Um, oh, a cake stand.

Casey: Hey, there you go.

Eileen: With grandchildren on top.

Casey: Can you just say sweater?

Evelyn: Why?

Casey: Just to have it.

Evelyn: Baby sweater.

Casey: Okay. Just sweaters.

Evelyn: Just baby.

Casey: Cut. Okay, so the thing about home goods is that we can’t actually sell grandchildren.

Eileen: That sounds like a you problem.

Evelyn: Yeah, can you check in the back?

Casey: No.

Evelyn: Well, sorry. Well, I mean, we’ve never been actor before.

Eileen: Yeah, we’ve also never said what we want out loud before. So that feels pretty good.

Casey: I get it. Sure. You know what? Let’s try gifts for somebody else. All right. Action. Moms know Home Goods is the best place for family gifts. What’s on your list this year?

Eileen: I want Kelsey to be full of my son.

Evelyn: I want the son stuff to go in Kelsey.

Casey: Oh my God.

Eileen: I want her daughter fertilized.

Evelyn: I want them to do the naked marriage dance.

Eileen: Fulfill the wedding promise.

Evelyn: I want the baby to come out of Kelsey so I can take it to Red Lobster.

Casey: Items that cost money.

Eileen: Scissors to cut holes in condoms to give to Kelsey.

Casey: What? No!

Eileen: Candles to light around the living room so they make grandchildren on the carpet.

Eileen: You sell oysters here?

Casey: No, of course not.

Evelyn: I feel like I bought oysters.

Casey: Cut. Look, you two are some of our biggest Home Goods shoppers. Just today, you bought hand soap that smells like wine, 8×10 canvas with the word encourage on it.

Evelyn: A good reminder.

Casey: You know what? I’m just gonna feed you some things that we do sell. And then you just say them back. Alright? Crockpot.

Eileen: Toddler.

Casey: Apron.

Evelyn: Grandson.

Casey: Nope. Milk frother.

Eileen: Milk daughter.

Casey: Christmas wreath.

Evelyn: Boy named Keith.

Casey: Mr. Klen Magic Eraser.

Eileen: Many magic children faster.

Casey: Coffee table book.

Evelyn: No.

Casey: Cut. I don’t know why you guys are so hung up on grandchildren.

Eileen: Casey. Do you have kids?

Casey: No, no way. Too much responsibility. I mean, kids are cute. It’s nice to see them every once in a while. But not all the time.

Evelyn: Yes.

Casey: I mean, sure, it would be fun to take a little scamp who looks like me on the Ferris Wheel. Say good job when she does cartwheels on my lawn. Oh my God. I want grandchildren. Grandchildren are amazing. They don’t blame you for anything. They just play clarinet and get into college. I want them.

Evelyn: I want to take them to the Science Museum and buy them a necklace in the gift shop that’s got a little bug in it.

Eileen: I want to say something weird that makes them consider having a confrontation with me. And then do the math on how long I have and decide not to bother.

Casey: Yeah. I want to have weird opinions about Israel. Not bad. Weird.

Evelyn: Yes, it’s the wrong shape.

Casey: You guys are right. I’m sorry.

Eileen: It’s over. Yeah.

[phone ringing]

Evelyn: Oh, that’s me.

Kelsey: Mama. It’s Kelsey. I’m pregnant.

Evelyn: We did it!

Casey: It’s happening!

Eileen: Kelsey!

Irish Dating Show

Aden Kilkenny… Beck Bennett

Nial… Bill Hader

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Molly… Aidy Bryant

Diobhan… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Hi there, you’re watching Ireland One, the only channel on telly not controlled by the bleeding British. Next up, it’s our number one dating show, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”

[Cut to Aden Kilkenny walking to the game stage]

Aden Kilkenny: Hi. Welcome to Kiss Me I’m Irish. I’m your host Aden Kilkenny. Today, one fellow will choose between three Irish roses to see which one smells the sweetest. Let’s meet our Danny boy.

Nial: [strong Irish accent] I’m called Nial. I’m from Dangle. My favorite food is gray. My claim to fame is that I’ve punched Bono in the back of the head. At least I think it was Bono.

Aden Kilkenny: Better be safe than sorry. And what kind of girl re you hoping to meet?

Nial: Not to be too picky but a gal I suppose. Unmarried.

Aden Kilkenny: Well, you’re in luck. We’ve got three of them behind that wall there. Each one is beautiful as their skin is bright red under their makeup. Let’s meet them.

Eileen: [strong Irish accent] Hi. I’m Eileen. I’m a good catholic girl which means I love god and god hates me coz I’m thinking impure thoughts about you.

Molly: Hi, I’m Molly. I’m Irish American. But I live over here because I’m studying stones. And if you follow this rainbow, you might get a pot of gold.

Diobhan: [strong Irish accent] I’m Siobhan. I’m from Dylan. I’ve got 35 suspicious freckles in my body. But I’m looking for a guy to check the ones I can’t see.

Nial: I’ve got a cousin Siobhan from Dylan. Siobhan O’Conor.

Diobhan: Ay! That’s me.

Nial: Is it now? What are the chances?

Molly: Cousins? Well, it sounds like my chances just got a little better.

Aden Kilkenny: What are you saying, Nial? First impression of the girls?

Nial: Well, number three is my cousin. So, she is definitely off to an early lead. The contestants one and two, I’m open to learn more about you.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, seems like there’s some competition. Nial, what’s your first question?

Nial: Call me old fashioned, but I like a girl who knows her way around the kitchen. Number three, what would you make me for supper?

Molly: Um, wait. The cousin is still playing?

Diobhan: That’s easy. I’d make our Nana’s famous pope’s pie. I know how much you loved it as a kid.

Nial: Great answer.

Eileen: I’m sorry but this is ridiculous.

Molly: I know. Right? Like, what is going on?

Eileen: She’s got such a leg upon us coz they’re cousins. How are we supposed to compete with that?

Molly: Okay. That was not what I was gonna say.

Aden Kilkenny: Alright. Settle down. Plenty of bachelors on the show. I’ve picked a girl other than their non-cousins.

Nial: Trust me. One and two, you’re very much both still in the game. Which brings me to the next question. Contestant one, where would you take me on your first dte?

Eileen: Well, that’s easy. I’d take you to my favorite pub up in Dylan, the Stone Bone. The drinks are free and we can stay past closed coz I know the owner. He’s my dad.

Nial: I know the owner too. He’s my uncle. Eileen, it’s me, your cousin Nial.

Eileen: Handsome Nial?

Nial: St. John’s ghost, this game just got a lot more competitive.

Molly: Wait, more competitive? You’re related. The game should be over.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, I’m afraid. You’re in tough spot, Molly. Very rarely does the bachelor pick the non-cousin when there are two cousins in the running. Alright, you lucky boy. Next question.

Nial: Ladies, what’s your idea of a romantic evening? Let’s start with contestant number two.

Molly: I guess dinner with a guy who isn’t related to me?

Nial: Picky picky. How about you, contestant number one?

Eileen: My idea of romantic evening would be weddings, funerals and holy communions coz that’s when I get to see you.

[Audience going ‘Aww’]

Molly: Wait, the audience likes that?

Nial: Contestant number three, your turn. What’s your idea of romantic evening?

Diobhan: Oh, I think you remember. Three good Fridays ago, an alley behind the fish mongers.

Nial: Oh. That I do. That I do.

Molly: Ew! So you already hooked up with your cousin?

Diobhan: Calm down. We didn’t have sex. We just had sex. We didn’t get married or nothing.

Molly: Ew! Is this common here? Aren’t you guys worried about like, deformities from inbreeding?

Nial: What? Like bird bones? Soft skull? Strawberry nose? Tic-tac teeth? Brown blood? One big toe? Great advice, but you’re about 500 years too late.

Eileen: You see, that’s why I always had a crush on him coz he’s got it going on up here. [pointing at the forehead. She has a deformed hand.]

Molly: Okay. I’m gonna stay but only because I’m morbidly curious about who is gonna win.

[choir sound]

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, that sound means father Mike is coming to hear a confession. So, its time for us to take a quick break. I’m Aden Kilkenny, and we’ll be right back.