Visit With Santa Cold Open

Elf… kate McKinnon

Santa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Santa ready to meet the children at Macy’s. Elf is wearing elf dress. Santa is sitting on a chair.]

Elf: Okay, kids. Santa’s back from his lunch break. He’s back from up at the north pole, a.k.a., Panda Express.

Santa: Ha-ha. That’s right, and he’s ready to hear you Christmas wishes. Ho-ho-ho.

Elf: Hey, [to a kid] what about you? My little boy. Are you ready to talk to Santa?

[The boy walks to Santa and sits on his lap]

Tyler: Yeah.

Santa: Alright. Well, get on up here, young man. What’s your name?

Tyler: Tyler.

Santa: And Tyler, what would you like for Santa to bring you this year?

Tyler: Could I get a mega-blocks dinosaur?

Santa: Well, I think that can be arranged.

Tyler: And, could I get laser tag?

Santa: Well, I can certainly try.

Tyler: And, can you tell me what did Al Franken do?

Santa: Okay, wow. Let’s see. Um, I think I can handle the mega-blocks and the laser tag. [to Elf] Can you take the Al Franken thing?

Elf: No. And, in this climate, can you just call me Amy?

Santa: Absolutely. Okay, well, Tyler, I guess you could say that Al Franken is on Santa’s naughty list this year.

Tyler: And what about Roy Moore? Which list is he on?

Elf: It’s not really a list. It’s more of a registry.

Santa: Okay, you know what? We should keep this line moving along. Okay. Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas, Tyler. Okay, who’s up next?

[The boy leaves. Elf calls a girl.]

Jessica: Hi, Santa. I’m Jessica.

Santa: Merry Christmas, Jessica. What would you like from Santa?

Jessica: I wanted to follow up on Tyler’s question. Is president Trump on the naughty list?

Santa: Well, you know, Santa tries to stay out of political matters. Our president may have said or done a few naughty things.

Elf: 19 accusers. Google it.

Santa: [to Elf] Okay. Can we not? Can we just not? Amy? Thanks. [to the girl] Look, Jessica, I’m sure we can all learn a lesson from what’s going on in the news.

Jessica: We sure can. I learned that if you admit that you did something wrong, you get in trouble. But if you deny it, they let you keep your job.

Santa: Well, okay. Careful there, Jessica. Or you might get some coal in your stocking.

Jessica: From where? We both know coal is a dying industry.

Santa: Okay, thank you very much. Merry Christmas.

[The girl walks away. Another boy comes in.]

Okay. Hello.

Billy: Hi, Santa. My name is Billy and I want a football.

Santa: Well, you got it, Billy.

Billy: I love football. Why did the players kneel during the national anthem? Do they hate the troops?

Santa: No! They’re just kneeling because they’re tired.

Billy: From all the brain injuries?

Santa: You know what? Sure. Let’s just go with that. Somehow that’s the happier version. Alright, Merry Christmas, Billy.

Billy: Go Brogo.

Santa: Yeah. Right. to the hospital. Alright.

[The boy walks out. Another girl walks in]

Hello.

Girl: Hi, Santa. I already asked my dad for an American Girl doll.

Santa: Well, that sounds like fun.

Girl: But my dad says he can’t afford any presents until the tax cut trickles down from the wealthiest 1%.

Santa: Well, you know, that’s economics. Santa didn’t study economics. He studies musical theater which is perhaps why he’s working as a Santa at this mall right now.

Girl: And I heard the new tax bill add $1 trillion to the national debt. Is that naughty?

Santa: Well, you know, I’m sure they’re just trying to make things friendlier for businesses.

Elf: Actually, Santa, thanks to that much needed tax cut, [pointing at the girl] this little ray of sunshine will be forking over her social security checks to the Chinese. And if she thinks she’s getting medicare, ooh! She is out of her little mind.

Girl: Wow! Classic response.

Santa: Oh, you know what? Thank you.

Elf: Thank you for coming.

Santa: Thank you very much. Okay. Next.

Elf: And now, you.

[The girl walks out. Another girl walks in.]

Santa: Oh, how about you. Aren’t you cute? What do you want for Christmas?

Girl: Hi, Santa. I want a barbie. Unless they’re gonna take them away from me too.

Santa: Okay, barbie. You got it. Let’s go. See you later. And kids, just to reminder to keep your wishes light and Christmasy and not political.

[The girl walks out. Another boy walks in.]

Okay? Alright.

Boy: That’s good. Coz I hate politics.

Santa: Ah! Thank the lord.

Boy: Instead. I wanna talk about opioids.

Santa: No! You’re done. Thank you very much. Next!

[The boy walks out. Another girl walks in.]

Alright, hello. Aren’t you cute? What would you like for Christmas?

Girl: An embassy that is still in Tel Aviv.

Santa: How do you know about Tel Aviv? Thank you very much. You’re done. Next.

[The girl walks away. Another boy walks in]

Ay, what about you? Maybe you like a toy from Santa?

Boy: Oh, you mean toy like the one that Lauer gave to his coworker?

Santa: Okay. Um, you know what? Ear muff. Ear muff. [The boy closes his years] [to Elf] Where the hell did they get these kids from? I’d never thought I’d say this, but I think our public schools are too good. Okay, ear muffs off. [to boy] I’m getting you an Xbox. Merry Christmas.

Boy: Xbox? Awesome! More factory jobs for Chinese kids.

Santa: Whoa! Okay. Alright! You know what? I think Santa might need another break. This one might involve a cigarette.

[A girl walks to Santa]

Jenny: Sanga?

Santa: Oh, yes little girl. What’s your name?

Jenny: Jenny. And Santa, I don’t want any gifts this year. I just want everything to be okay.

Elf: Oh, my goodness. Okay, Jenny. Listen to me. I know that things seem particularly insane right now. Like, truly mind bendingly insane. And we seem to have lost all perspective on what’s naughty or nice.

Jenny: I know. I’ve seen FOX News.

Elf: Oh, there you go. But, as bad as things might seem, I promise you Jenny, it will be okay. Okay? Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for another three years, 42 days and 24 minutes, Jenny. But most people in America are good people. And eventually, good people will fix our country.

Jenny: Okay. Good. But just in case, I’m putting all my money in Bitcoin.

Santa: Oh, yes. That’s the spirit. Now, do you remember what Santa always says?

Jenny: Yes.

Santa: Do you wanna say it with me?

Jenny: Okay.

All: Merry Christmas. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The Chosen One

Chad… Pete Davidson

Elf… Mikey Day

Dwarf… Beck Bennett

Centaur… Kenan Thompson

Queen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Chad playing video game in his room at night.] [Suddenly, there’s a glowing light in his closet. Chad walks to the closet and opens it. He sees a portal inside and he walks through it. He reaches to a different world where it’s snowing. There are two men and a centaur welcoming him.]

Elf: Welcome. Our prophets told of a savior. He would arrive from another land to free our world from the grip of darkness. What is your birth name?

Chad: Chad.

Centaur: The dark lord Azerhan and his army of shadows has entombed our world in ice and snow.

Dwarf: Only you can defeat him, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: We must inform the queen of your arrival.

[Queen walks in]

Queen: No need. I felt his presence. I am queen Chrysalis, ruler of Assyria and the nine rivers from Stark to Everseed.

Elf: Okay.

Queen: There was a time when the meadows bloomed. And there is hope that they may bloom again for today marks your coming.

Chad: [giggling] Coming.

Queen: You are the savior of Assyria. So says the prophecy.

All: So says the prophecy.

Chad: Okay.

Queen: But you must undertake a dangerous journey. [Chad is using his phone] You may return to your world at any time if you desire. The choice is yours. But be warned.

Centaur: He left.

Queen: What?

[Elf walks forward]

Go.

Elf: My leige.

Queen: Yes.

[Cut to Chad playing video game in his room. Elf walks in his room through the portal.]

Elf: Chad, why did you leave?

Chad: I was bored.

Elf: Can you come back for a moment? We weren’t done.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad and Elf walk through the portal again]

Queen: Thank you, Chad. You have chosen to follow your destiny.

Dwarf: First, you must climb the mountain of despair.

Chad: Okay.

Centaur: Then ford the river of flame.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: And survive the forest of translucent transgressions.

Queen: And after the veil of evil is lifted, you will become king and I will give you with my virginity.

Chad: Dope! [Chad opens his pants]

Queen: After your journey.

Chad: Oh, okay. [Chad wears his pants back on]

Queen: To aid you on this quest, we give you these items.

Centaur: From the order of the centauri, I present you with this map to guide you. [Centaur passes a map to Chad] Thousands of my kind died beyond the mountains to create it. May they rest with the gods.

[As they are bowing to Chad, the wind blows the map away.]

Dwarf: And from the kingdom of dwarves, I give you the crystal of Gumligin to light your path. [Dwarf puts a crystal necklace on Chad. The crystal is glowing.]

Chad: Gay.

Elf: And from the Elven council, the sword of the great warrior, Ashton. [Elf gives Chad a sword. Chad starts swinging the sword randomly.]

Queen: Safe travels, young warrior. May the great gods bless you.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and walks away]

Elf: That boy is our last hope.

Queen: I do not see a boy. I see a warrior.

[Chad is holding the sword as if it is his penis]

Chad: Ha-ha. Look!

Dwarf: Hah! It’s like his sword is his penis. Very clever.

[The End]

Elf on the Shelf | Season 44 Episode 8

Santa… Beck Bennett

Dottie… Melissa Villaseñor

Deedle Beep… Mikey Day

Scrabby… Jason Momoa

[Starts with a book ‘Elf on the shelf’ book, going through few of it’s pages]

Narrator: During the Christmas season, Santa sends an Elf to every child’s home to see if they’re being naughty or nice. All day they watch their child, never blinking and never moving. And each night they return to the North Pole to report back to Santa.

[Cut to a room where Santa and three elves are sitting]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Welcome back elves on shelves! I hope you’ve all been keeping a good eye on your children.

Elves: Yes, Santa!

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Wonderful. Dottie, how has little Elizabeth been this year?

Dottie: [Cut to Dottie] She’s been a very good girl Santa. She’s listening to her parents and doing her chores.

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Splendid! And how is little Matthew, Deedle Beep?

Deedle Beep: Well, he didn’t want to eat his vegetables at dinner.

Santa: Oh, no.

Deedle Beep: [Cut to Deedle Beep] But then he did and he liked them!

Santa: Hooray! [Cut to Santa] What about young Marshall, Scrabby?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby, ashamed] I want a new kid, Santa.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] But why? You’ve been watching Marshall for [looks at his book] 13 years.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Things have changed this year. He figured out he could do a certain thing with his body. Now he won’t stop doing it.

Dottie: [Cut to three elves] I hope he’s not fighting with his little brother. That would be very naughty indeed.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] No. It’s definitely a solo activity. And considering I can’t close my eyes, I had no choice but to watch him. He does it a lot.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Hmm, well, is what he’s doing naughty or is it nice?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] It’s not really either, Santa.

Deedle Beep: [Cut to three elves] That’s silly, Scrabby. All elves know that everything humans do is either naughty or it’s nice.

Scrabby: It isn’t so black and white, Deedle Bee. [Cut to Scrabby] It’s just a thing humans lean how to do, you know, they go insane for a while and they do it non-stop. Please, Santa, could I have another kid?

Santa: [Cut to Santa] But Marshall loves you Scrabby.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I know. But sometimes he looks at me when he’s doing it, and I think he’s making me a part of it.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Well, lucky you, Scrabby. Now what does each of your children want for Christmas this year?

[Cut to three elves]

Deedle Beep: A train set.

Dottie: A new soccer ball.

Scrabby: I don’t want to say.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Oh, Scrabby, certainly Marshall wants something from Santa. Let’s see what’s on my list. Oh, Scrabby, you spelled flashlight wrong!

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I wish that were the case.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Well, is there anything else he wants?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I mean, I guess some soft socks?

Santa: Ho, ho, ho, ho! [Cut to everybody] Then he shall have the softest socks in the land.

Scrabby: [Cut to three elves] They’re not going to stay that way, Santa.

Deedle Beep: Scrabby, it sounds like you don’t like Marshall anymore?

Scrabby: No, I do. It’s just, 13 is a confusing age.

Dottie: Whatever do you mean?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I don’t know, he like, looks at his body and he has like, little boobies and he squeezes real hard because he hates them and he’s mad at them and he’s like, “Oh, go away”.

Dottie: [Cut to three elves] Oh, my, that’s odd.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Yeah, yeah. Please, listen; can I please have another kid?

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Oh, I think I know what’s happening. You’re upset he’s growing up.

Scrabby: [Cut to three elves] Oh, he grew up, Santa. That’s done.

Deedle Beep: Don’t be sad, Scrabby. Every kid stops believing in us some day. But then they have kids of their own and the magic starts again!

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I don’t know if Marshall’s going to have anything left in his tank by then.

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Well, I can’t wait to visit all your children and bring them Christmas cheer.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Yeah, well, just make a lot of noise when you get to Marshall’s house. He’ll stop for a few seconds if he hears something.

Santa:  [Cut to everybody] Oh, Scrabby, you’re a silly elf. Now back to your children.