Elf Fizzy… Alex Moffat
Elf Tizzy…Chloe Fineman
Heidi Gardner
Beck Bennett
Dondra Dupres… Scarlett Johansson
Wondrous Williams… Kenan Thompson
Latony Garag… Bowen Yang
[Starts with a Santa Land store in a mall]
Elf Fizzy: Hello, everyone. I’m Elf Fizzy.
Elf Tizzy: And I’m Elf Tizzy. Welcome to Santa Land at the North Ridge Mall.
[Cut to few adults and children clapping]
[Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]
Elf Fizzy: Yeah! And before we line you up for Santa, there are some elves that want to sing for you.
[Cut to the Heidi and Beck]
Heidi: Well that sounds nice. I wonder what they’ll sing.
Beck: Probably some pretty basic Christmas junk.
Heidi: Hon, be fun.
Beck: Okay.
[Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]
Elf Fizzy: And just so you know, the singing elves are not the ones on the poster, the website or from our very deep bench of understudies.
Elf Tizzy: These two work at the mall and they picked the costumes.
Elf Fizzy: Uh-huh! Here they are. Those people!
[Dondra and Wondrous walk in in elf costumes.]
Dondra: Hi, I’m Dondra Dupres.
Wondrous: And I am Wondrous William.
Dondra: Wondrous and I work at the hair extension kiosk in the mall.
Wondrous: More than that, we are entertain-ters!
Dondra: The first song song is about the special problemities that Santa may have around a Chimnies.
[music playing]
Wondrous: [singing]
Wig white black boot
wide belt red suit
Dondra: [singing]
Beard gorwn lips pursed
enters the room booty first
Dondra and Wondrous: Squishing that ass down the chimney shoot
Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?
[Cut to the audience. Everybody is confused but Beck is moving his body to the music.]
Dondra: Everybody get some lube
[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]
help this booty slip and bloop!
Wondrous: Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop
Dondra and Wondrous: Black down that chimney, y’all!
[Cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]
Heidi: what was that? I wanted “Let it snow.” That felt druggy.
Beck: It felt very Todrick-cal to me. call moment to me.
Heidi: Who’s that?
Beck: He’s great. He’s a dynamic gender bending performer. His songs make you want to shake your boozy.
Heidi: Boozy? Where’s this coming from, babe?
[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]
Dondra: What’s wrong with Mrs. Claus, Wondrous?
Wondrous: I don’t know, Dondra. She seems frustrated, sex-u-ally.
Dondra: Maybe she has womanly needs that aren’t being met.
Wondrous: Well, who on earth would do that to her?
Dondra: Exactly.
[music playing]
Wondrous: [singing]
While Santa’s climbing in his sleigh
Mrs. C comes out to play
Dondra: [singing]
Mrs. Claus don’t give no f
she gives her cookies to the elves
Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?
Dondra: Mrs. Claus has needs
Wondrous: Needs
Dondra: Needs that starts with a D
Wondrous: D
Dondra: If you give an f
Wondrous: F
Dondra: Please loan one out to me
Wondrous: Me
Dondra and Wondrous: All of our f’s are what? Got ya’ blap!
[cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]
Heidi: Oh, my god! Am I being sensitive or was that song about Mrs. Claus needing to get railed by elves?
Beck: Of course. The relationship is open. It’s fluid. It’s very Todrick.
Heidi: Hey, who are you today? And who introduced you to this Todrick?
Beck: Mistyandre.
Heidi: Who is that? We know all the same people.
Beck: Maybe you do.
[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]
Wondrous: And now, we would like to introduce to you to the writer of our songs.
Dondra: Latony Garag. Latony, get out here.
[Latony Garag walks in.]
Latony Garag: Merry Christmas to the children.
Wondrous: Latony, is there anything you would like to say before this next song?
[Cut to Latony Garag]
Latony Garag: Yes. This song was written as an homage to my mother. The mother of the house, miss Buffay Styles. It was written at Dondra am when I was skiing with miss Connie. See what I’m saying? The snow that goes up. Understand? The Northeast snow. I’m talking about crook rain!
[Cut to the disappointed audience]
[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]
Dondra: Thanks Latony for the clarification. Let’s do this.
[music playing]
Wondrous: [singing]
Santa’s tired he’s a grump
Dondra: [singing]
Sork all night he needs a bump
Wondrous: Do that bump off your rump
Dondra and Wondrous: The rump pump um pum
the rump pump um pum
the rump pump um pum,
Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?
Dondra: I thought no one told you what it’s like.
Dondra and Wondrous: Wou, wou, wou, wou, wou,
[Cut to the audience. Everybody is dancing now.]
Heidi: I don’t love that that song was about doing cocaine. But I like that this is the first time I’ve ever seen you happy.
Beck: I’m glad you noticed. Merry Christmas, baby.
Heidi: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?
Beck: Yeah, I don’t like that for you.