Weekend Update: Senator Elizabeth Warren on College Debt Forgiveness | Season 44 Episode 19

Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Senator Elizabeth Warren recently unveiled the plan to eliminate student loan debt and make public colleges free. Here to comment is Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Senator Elizabeth Warren joins]

Elizabeth Warren: All right. Hi, Colin. I’m so glad to be here. Hey, how are you?

Colin Jost: Okay. So senator, you rolled out some very ambitious new plans.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, yeah. I guess.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

I guess I’m setting myself apart from the other candidates by saying what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it. Whoa, what a crackpot idea.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: Yes, yes. Well, people have been very excited about your college debt plan.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, you’re damn right, Colin.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

When I went to college in Oklahoma, it was affordable. It cost $2.5 a semester. My dorm was an empty grain silo. And I got a scholarship for playing varsity hoop and stick. Look, College debt forgiveness is essential. I wish I could be forgiven for what I did in college. But that squirrel family was there, and I already had a broth going.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: All right. Well–

Elizabeth Warren: We fought.

Colin Jost: Yeah, sounds like you really valued education.

Elizabeth Warren: Of course, I do. You know, all I ever wanted was to be was a teacher, [Cut to Elizabeth] because back then smart girls could be three things. A teacher, a nurse who gets kissed on the street by a soldier, or a dead mother of eight.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: And do you think that all of your proposals are going to help set you apart from some of these other candidates?
Elizabeth Warren: Well, I sure hope so. Look, Colin, [Cut to Elizabeth] I mean, what a frickin clown car I found myself in. I’m over here working round the clock to give you free college but look at that, beto o’dork did parkour in a Starbucks. Wow. Whoops, I just figured out university pre-k, but what’s that over there, mayor Pete Bugugagudiguge playing piano and speaking fluent Klingon. I know as a democrat I’m not supposed to say this, but speak English. Frick!

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

We’re going to have a fight.

Colin Jost: No, no. Settle down, Senator. And now, what about now that Joe Biden is now officially running too?

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, yeah. Great! Everyone make room for good old Joe, the Amtrak masseuse. What a hero.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Look, Colin, if I lose, I’ma still be fighting in the US senate and where will old Joe be? Sitting on Rehoboth beach, reading a Tom Clancy novel, picking salt water taffy out of his veneers.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

And that’s a fight. That’s a good fight.

Colin Jost: And senator, you were also the first candidate to call for Trump’s impeachment.

Elizabeth Warren: Look, duh, Colin, okay. ‘Cause nobody’s above the law.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Impeachment is this guy’s middle name. That and jackass. But all the other democrats are still concerned with decorum. It’s like the Titanic is sinking, and we’re politely waiting in line for the bathroom. Who cares? Just go ahead, America, stick your ass over the rail and go.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren, everyone.

Elizabeth Warren: I will be VP. Thank you, sir.

Weekend Update: Sen. Elizabeth Warren on Running for President | Season 44 Episode 10

Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: More democratic hopefuls jumped into the 2020 race this week. Here to comment on her campaign is the first major democrat to throw her hat in the ring, Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren comes in]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello Colin. How are you? [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin] Good to see you.

Colin Jost: Good to see you. Hello, senator. Thank you so much for being here. Are you excited about your campaign?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, you bet, Colin. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I haven’t been this excited since I found out my package from LL Bean had shipped. I’m ready to fight. [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin] Are you in this fight Colin? Because I want you in this fight. We got to fight.

Colin Jost: You say that word, fight, a lot.

Elizabeth Warren: Well, that’s the only ‘F’ word I know Colin, because I’m a fighter. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I’m fighting for the middle class. I’m fighting for medicare for all. I’m like if Monday Night Raw was hosted by NPR’s Terry Gross.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right. And your supporters really like that about you. Right?

Elizabeth Warren: You are damn right. I have been fighting my whole life. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I grew up in Oklahoma in between railroad tracks and a sand tornado. Widdling my own toys. My only friends were an empty can and a bull weave. While Trump was playing with a silver spoon, I was playing on the train tracks with one of these things. [Elizabeth Warren acts if she is using a wagon on the train track] [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Well, politico as you saw was accused of sexism for an article saying that you are not like-able. What do you think about that?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] look, yeah, I’m sorry I’m not young and pretty like Donald jackass Trump. Was the article sexist of course it was. Am I likeable? Probably not. But neither is a prostate exam, but you need one or you’ll die. This country Colin, is long overdue for a finger up it’s caboose. You might even like it. So bend over, America and let mama Warren get to work. [Elizabeth is point her finger and moving it] [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: You make a great point. What do you think the other potential candidates will be?

Elizabeth Warren: Look, I’m not worried. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] Biden and Bernie will be in their late 70’s while I am a spray and naughty 69. Beto O’Rourke, there is a reason he’s got a nice face and good skin. He ain’t done anything. Baby don’t know. Baby don’t know.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Okay. And what do you think about Kirstin Gillibrand.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, don’t you mean Kirstin stole my brand? Yeah, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] medicare for all. What a novel concept. I have been saying that since 1963. When I was running the Wells Fargo wagon out of my town.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right. What about releasing the results of your DNA test. Do you think that will come back to haunt you?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Well, you know what? I did the DNA test and the test came back 100% bad idea. Who knew race science was not a good PR strategy. Lost that fight.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right.

Elizabeth Warren: Lost it.

Colin Jost: But you still think you can win?

Elizabeth Warren: I know the battle I’m facing. Look, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] America, you will do everything you possibly can to not vote for a woman for president. All I am asking is that you let me be that woman.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren everyone.