Weekend Update: Sen. Elizabeth Warren on Running for President | Season 44 Episode 10

Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: More democratic hopefuls jumped into the 2020 race this week. Here to comment on her campaign is the first major democrat to throw her hat in the ring, Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren comes in]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello Colin. How are you? [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin] Good to see you.

Colin Jost: Good to see you. Hello, senator. Thank you so much for being here. Are you excited about your campaign?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, you bet, Colin. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I haven’t been this excited since I found out my package from LL Bean had shipped. I’m ready to fight. [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin] Are you in this fight Colin? Because I want you in this fight. We got to fight.

Colin Jost: You say that word, fight, a lot.

Elizabeth Warren: Well, that’s the only ‘F’ word I know Colin, because I’m a fighter. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I’m fighting for the middle class. I’m fighting for medicare for all. I’m like if Monday Night Raw was hosted by NPR’s Terry Gross.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right. And your supporters really like that about you. Right?

Elizabeth Warren: You are damn right. I have been fighting my whole life. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I grew up in Oklahoma in between railroad tracks and a sand tornado. Widdling my own toys. My only friends were an empty can and a bull weave. While Trump was playing with a silver spoon, I was playing on the train tracks with one of these things. [Elizabeth Warren acts if she is using a wagon on the train track] [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Well, politico as you saw was accused of sexism for an article saying that you are not like-able. What do you think about that?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] look, yeah, I’m sorry I’m not young and pretty like Donald jackass Trump. Was the article sexist of course it was. Am I likeable? Probably not. But neither is a prostate exam, but you need one or you’ll die. This country Colin, is long overdue for a finger up it’s caboose. You might even like it. So bend over, America and let mama Warren get to work. [Elizabeth is point her finger and moving it] [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: You make a great point. What do you think the other potential candidates will be?

Elizabeth Warren: Look, I’m not worried. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] Biden and Bernie will be in their late 70’s while I am a spray and naughty 69. Beto O’Rourke, there is a reason he’s got a nice face and good skin. He ain’t done anything. Baby don’t know. Baby don’t know.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Okay. And what do you think about Kirstin Gillibrand.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, don’t you mean Kirstin stole my brand? Yeah, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] medicare for all. What a novel concept. I have been saying that since 1963. When I was running the Wells Fargo wagon out of my town.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right. What about releasing the results of your DNA test. Do you think that will come back to haunt you?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Well, you know what? I did the DNA test and the test came back 100% bad idea. Who knew race science was not a good PR strategy. Lost that fight.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right.

Elizabeth Warren: Lost it.

Colin Jost: But you still think you can win?

Elizabeth Warren: I know the battle I’m facing. Look, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] America, you will do everything you possibly can to not vote for a woman for president. All I am asking is that you let me be that woman.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren everyone.