Weekend Update Elmo and Rocco

Michael Che

Elmo… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Elmo was trending last week after clips of his feud with a pet rock named Rocco went viral. Here to comment is Elmo.

[Elmo slides in]

Elmo: Hey. Hi, everybody’s. Hello, Michael. [singing] La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, SNL, yeah!

Michael Che: Well, thank you for being here, Elmo.

Elmo: Oh, of course. SNL is my favorite. Maybe one day Elmo can host?

Michael Che: Maybe. Yeah. Now, Elmo, everybody has been talking about your beef with your friends Zoe’s pet rock, Rocco. You know, there’s all these clips of you going on crazy, unhinged rants about how Rocco’s not real.

Elmo: Okay, okay. Look. Elmo admit Elmo overreacting. And Elmo has already apologized in a long Instagram post. Elmo really can move on.

Michael Che: Well, that’s great to hear Elmo, because we were actually about to bring out a surprise guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Rocco.

[Someone bring in the Rocco (a small rock placed on a chair) on the Weekend Update table]

Elmo: What? Why does Rocco get a chair?

Michael Che: Because Rocco’s our guest, Elmo.

Elmo: Rocco? Rocco doesn’t need a chair. Rocco doesn’t even have legs. Rocco’s a rock. What is Rocco doing here?

Michael Che: Well, he was in the building getting the COVID test.

Elmo: What? How? How is Rocco getting a COVID test? Tell Elmo. Rocco doesn’t even have a nose. Rocco doesn’t even have a respiratory system.

Michael Che: Ay, look. SNL requires all visitors to get tested.

Elmo: Why is Rocco visiting SNL?

Michael Che: Oh, we wanted him to get a feel of the place before he hosts next month.

Elmo: What?

[An Instagram post of SNL appears where it’s written “FEB 19, Rocco, Rocco”.]

Michael Che: Oh, you see? Yes.

Elmo: Rocco is host and musical guest? [yelling] How?

Michael Che: [pulls Rocco near] Hold on. What’s that Rocco? [giggling] Yeah. That’s kind of true. Elmo do be doing that.

Elmo: Don’t gaslight Elmo. Come on, Mike. Elmo feel that Elmo going insane here.

Michael Che: You know, I really like this dude, man. Here, man. Have a cookie. [Michael Che puts a cooking on the small chair or Rocco]

Elmo: Can Elmo have a cookie?

Michael Che: Nah, I’m sorry man. That’s my last one.

Elmo: The last cookie? [starts shivering] The last cookie! It’s happening again. [shouting] Ah! Okay. That’s it! Paper covers rock. Prepare to die Rocco! [puts a paper on the rock and pushes it away]

Michael Che: Oh! Come on, man! Rocco’s family is here. [Cut to few rocks placed on audience seat]

Elmo: Elmo give up. I’m sorry.

Michael Che: Rocco, everybody.

Elmo: Rocco? But Elmo was the one who was your guest.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Grouch (Joker Parody)

Chris Redd

Oscar… David Harbour

Therapist… Ego Nwodim

News Reporter… Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Elmo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a video footage of New York city] [Cut to Chris Redd and Oscar]

Chris Redd: Damn, that smells straight like ass.

[Oscar opens a trash can]

Oscar: I don’t know. I kind of like it.

Chris Redd: Yeah? You like trash so much why don’t you live in it?

Oscar: Why don’t you bite me?

Oscar: Damn, Oscar, why you such a grouch, man?

[Cut to narrative video]

Announcer: From the studio that brought you “Joker” and the twisted mind at Sesame Workshop, comes the next gritty antihero origin story.

[Cut to Therapist]

Therapist: Why do you think you’re always in such a bad mood?

[Cut to Oscar]

Oscar: That ain’t me. Things are getting worse out there.

[Cut to TV news]

News Reporter: Once friendly neighborhood of “Sesame Street” has now become a haven of crime and corruption. I’m guy smiley, ABCDEFG news.

[Cut to Oscar walking on the street]

Oscar: Hookers and pimps on every corner.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Lady]

Kenan Thompson: Now, look, prairie dog, you want a snuffy’s ho’s. Okay? And snuffy’s ho’s earn.

Lady: I’m sorry, daddy.

Kenan Thompson: Bitch, you better shut your damn mouth for good.

[Cut to Oscar watching]

Oscar: People are getting killed over nothing.

[Cut to an alley where where people getting robbed]

Robber: Give me the ducky.

Alex Moffat: Ernie! Give it to him!

Ernie: Hell no, bitch!

[The robber stabs Ernie]

Alex Moffat: No! Ah!

[Cut to Therapist]

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

[Cut to Oscar]

Oscar: Grouchy.

[Cut to video clips of Oscar acting like Joker]

When everyone calls you trash, and everyone treats you like trash, why don’t you just become trash?

Announcer: Variety asks, Did we need a dark take on “Oscar the Grouch?” “No,” says the New York Times. The beloved residents are obsessing on streets like you’ve never seen before.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner dressed as a clown]

Heidi Gardner: Do you want to see this big bird dance?

[Cut to Beck Bennett dressed as a vampire]

Beck Bennett: Three! Three pearls for me.

[Cut to a police arresting Melissa Villaseñor]

Elmo: I’m innocent. I’m not going to sell no crack. You only arrest Elmo because Elmo Mexican!

Oscar: Sunny Day.

Announcer: From director, Todd Phillips.

Oscar: Sweeping the clouds away.

Announcer: And the writer of “P is for Potty.”

Oscar: Oh my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get

Oscar: Would you do me one favor? Could you call me the grouch?

Announcer: Brought to you by the letter R.

Oscar: Scram!