Pete Davidson
John Mulaney
Chris Redd
Minion… Kenan Thompson
Minnie Mouse.. Melissa Villaseñor
Elsa… Lauren Holt
Shrimp Louie… Kate McKinnon
Statue of liberty… Maya Rudolph
[Starts with three guys in Big Nick’s Souvenirs store]
Pete: Hey, man. How is business?
John: At the souvenir store in Time Square during the pandemic? It’s not great.
Chris: Alright. Well, then I’ll buy two of those snow globes.
John: Wow, thank you. That’s gonna really put me over the top, buddy.
Pete: I’ll take that photo of you with your kids.
John: That’s a personal item. Not for sale.
Pete: Oh, okay. Then I’ll buy that I heart New York underwear.
John: What was that?
Pete: Those briefs those announce how much I love New York. I’ll take em’.
Chris: You’re buying an underwear from souvenir store in Time Square? They’re not even wrapped.
Pete: So what? I like to show my support for the city.
John: Kid, you sure you want to buy the underpants?
Pete: Actually, you’re right. I should try em’ on first.
Chris: Whoa! Try them on?
John: You want to take these pair of unwashed ‘I love New York’ underpants and you want to put it on your naked body?
Pete: Yeah. Do you have a fitting room or something.
John: Yeah, sure. We have a fitting room. Hey Time Square minion, why don’t you show this guy the back of the store where the people of Time Square habitate?
[music playing]
[The minion opens the wall door. There are other characters inside.]
Minion: [singing] Mascots be shady tonight
John: Minnie and Elsa will fight
The characters: If you take a selfie then you better give us money
Minion: Or I’ll show your daughter a knife
John: So, after seeing that, do you still want to buy the underwear?
Pete: Yeah. I love New York and I want my modest balls to show that.
Minion: Of all the items in this store, you see you made
one great miscalculation buying filthy underwear
John: Bugs with no hesitation
will nesten your pubic hair
Minnie Mouse: One million novelty items
and he chose those
Elsa: It’d be like shopping at RB’s for pantyhose
Minion: One skid mark on the inside
that’s not the only stain I see
John: You’ll probably get an STD
so run, son
All: You would have to be psychotic
or take some strong antibiotic
don’t buy those
John: Great work.
Pete: Dude, things seem really bad even for Time Square.
Chris: Yeah. When do you think things are gonna bounce back?
[Shrimp Louie walks in]
Shrimp Louie: That’s what I want to know.
John: Oh. Shrimp Louie, the bubbagum shrimp mascot. I can’t belive you’re still here, darling.
Shrimp Louie: Where have they gone?
the tourists who came
who will eat up on my shrimp pad
with spiked lemonade?
send in the crowd
those confused German crowd
Minion: We missed TKTS
and bad seats for cheap
Shrimp Louie: Even Tim Horton’s has closed Canadians weep
All: Where are the crowds
Minion: I can’t group without crowds
Chris: Ahem! I see one guy across the street with binoculars.
John: Oh, that’s not a tourist. That’s the diddler on the roof.
[The diddler slides in on a table. His pants are off and he has binoculars.]
Diddler: Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, strip off your clothes, no one will know
Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, peek through my lens, and polish my uncut gems
Pete: This must be why everyone’s moving to Connecticut or Jersey and buying one room shacks for $900,000.
[Statue of Liberty walks in]
Liberty Statue: Fools! You don’t give up on my city that easy.
I lived through warhol
I lived through Bethenny Frankel
and I’m here
danced for the 86 mets and broke my ankle
but I’m here
I lived through Time Square filled with whores
now they’re on Sex in the City tours
my first apartment was a drawer
but I’m here
I’ve been to nobo noho and CBGB
and I’m here
Once on the pat train I swear that I saw Soon-Yi
and I’m here
stepped over bodies drawn in chalk
I knew son of Sam the dog could talk
I do the marathon but I walk
and I’m here
look who’s here
I’m still here
John: Oh no, look who’s coming our way, that woman from West Chester and she has visible covid.
[Cut to a woman walking by sneezing]
The woman: The minute I coughed at the press
I knew that new Rochelle would try and pin the blame on me
super-spreader
spread a little rona with me
Pete: We gotta get away from her.
John: Don’t worry. That homeless guy staying at a nearby luxury hotel will chase her off.
[The homeless man walks in. The woman is scared of her.]
Homeless man: Where is Rick Moranis?
The woman: [screaming] Ah!
John: Get out of my store.
Chris: Man, this place is nuts. I’d move somewhere else but the whole country is crazy.
John: I know this country seems terrible right now, but you know what? Move. [moving Pete away and showing the underwear that he wanted] Look at these underpants. Remember, they started this whole thing. Do you realize America is like these underpants? Because–
Diddler: I get it.
John: I know you get it. But let me explain it to the rest of them. Sure these underpants are riddled with ugliness and disease. But they still stand for something. Love. That’s why I didn’t want to sell them. Because they give me hope.
Minion: And I am specially hopeful now because we only have three days more.
John: Three more days to the election,
but the results may take months
it feels longer than the Irishmen
bot that movie needed cut
All: Three more days of Instagramming
thirsty selfies that say more
Liberty Statue: Prepare for the worst, so just please make it fast
All: November 3rd, election day,
November 3rd’s not far away
November 3rd on Wednesday or a Tuesday, I’m not sure
I don’t vote
what’s the point
It’s New York