Magic Mirror

Aidy Bryant

Denice… Melissa Villaseñor

Lauren… Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Elsa… Heidi Gardner

Rapunzel… Kate McKinnon

  1. Kelly… Chadwick Boseman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy seeing off a girl in Disney Land.]

Aidy: Wasn’t that cool? You got Ariel. Well, thanks for stopping by the Magic Mirror. And dream big, little princess. [Aidy approaches other three visitors] Hi, there. Looks like we’ve got some grownup seekers today.

Lauren: Yeah. I know it’s weird but we’re out having fun.

Denice: Yeah. Can’t big girls like Disney princesses too?

Aidy: Of course they can. So, come on over ladies. Let me share with you a secret. Inside every strong beautiful princess, there is a lady. So, to see just who you are, just look in the mirror. So, give it a try.

Denice: Are you sure?

Aidy: Yeah.

Denice: Okay.

[Denice walks to the mirror. There’s Elsa waving her hand from Frozen in the mirror.]

Oh, wow, guys. Look, I got Elsa.

Lauren: Oh, my god. That makes sense. You are total Elsa. You’re so independent. You’re a total ice queen. Let me try.

[Lauren walks to the mirror. There’s Rapunzel in the mirror.]

Oh, look, you guys. I’m Rapunzel.

Leslie: I gotta say, that seems right. You’re adventurous, a little crazy and way too into your hair.

Lauren: Stop. You go.

Leslie: Okay.

[Leslie walks to the mirror. A black man wearing jeans, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and a bandana appears in the mirror. He is dancing slowly.]

Denice: Oh, wow. Who is that?

Leslie: Damn! I think that’s R. Kelly.

Lauren: Serious? Yeah, I think you’re right. That is R. Kelly. What’s he doing in there?

[R. Kelly is shhing.]

Leslie: Look at him. He’s shhing us. What are you up to, R. Kelly? Why is R. Kelly in there? The last place he needs to be is Disney Land.

Aidy: I don’t think that’s him. I’m pretty sure that’s a character from Mulan.

Leslie: Oh! Which character?

Aidy: I think that’s Shy Greg.

Leslie: Okay, I don’t know who that is. I haven’t seen Mulan in a while but–

[R. Kelly pulls out a bag and starts stuffing it with popcorn.]

Denice: Geez. What’s he doing now?

Lauren: Oh, look at him. Creepy. I mean, wow, he loves stuffing that bag doesn’t he?

Leslie: It is kind of disturbing. Look at him.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I got the popcorn in the bag
    popcorn in the bag, baby

Leslie: What is going on?

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in the–

Leslie: In what? I told you. He’s shady! Excuse me. I thought I was supposed to see my personal princess

Aidy: Well, you are. And I honestly don’t know what happens. So, try this. Close your eyes, make a wish for what you want to see.

Leslie: Alright. I wish for a real Disney princess.

[Elsa appears in the mirror. She is waving.]

Oh, my god. I got Elsa. Hi, Elsa.

[R. Kelly walks in the mirror and pushes Elsa away. He has a sandwich.]

Lauren: He’s back and he’s got a sandwich.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in here

Leslie: Yo, what you in? No, I’m sorry. We gotta go. I’m out of here. Lauren, Denice, let’s just get out of here.

[Denice, Lauren and Leslie walk out]

Aidy: Oh, sorry. Who’s next?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Oh! This thing is cool. [walks to the mirror] Who do I get?

[R. Kelly appears on the mirror again]

Oh! It’s Shy Greg from Mulan. Awesome!

Frozen 2

Elsa… Kate McKinnon

Anna… Cecily Strong

Kristoff… JJ Watt

Yucob… Kyle Mooney

Yogan… Beck Bennett

Latayas… Kenan Thompson

Olaf… Mikey Day

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: It’s official, Frozon II is coming to digital HD next week. So, you can play it for you kids while you drink a margarita in the bathroom. And you can also order the Frozen II DVD including deleted scenes like this one.

[Cut to Elsa walking in a red forest]

Elsa: Hello. Is anyone there? Anna? Kristoff? Olaf? I’m gay? Is anyone there?

[Anna runs in]

Anna: Elsa!

Elsa: Anna!

Anna: I heard you calling. This enchanted forest is so disorienting.

Elsa: It sure is. I don’t know whether we’re heading north, south, gay or west.

Anna: Did you say gay?

Elsa: No! I’m not anything. You have a fulfilling heterosexual marriage at the age of eighteen and I had to spend two whole movies playing with snow. Both are equal and good. And then, in Frozen III, I can just, freeze my ex.

Anna: Elsa, it’s okay. You see…

[music playing] [sinigng] We all know, we all know

we’ve all known since you were a twin

when you dressed as Brian of Tarth

on three separate Halloweens

I don’t care, what Disney says

the twitter storm rages on

Elsa: The lack of any romantic interest doesn’t bother me anyway.

Male voice: Whoa! I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. If Elsa’s gay, she can turn my son gay, right? With her powers. Anyway, check out this next scene featuring a new original song.

[Cut to Kristoff walking with reindeer.]

Kristoff: Anna! Elsa!

[Cut to Elsa and Anna]

Anna: Oh, Kristoff. You’re okay?

[Cut to Kristoff]

Kristoff: Physically, yes. Mentally, still not great. This reindeer is my best friend.

[Cut to Anna walking to Kristoff]

Anna: Oh! My big strong hot shrek. You know what I love most about you, Kristoff?

Kristoff: That I’m poor so you can control me?

Anna: No. No, it’s that your sensitive. Sing your original new song for us, won’t you?

Kristoff: Anything for you, my love.

[music playing]

Kristoff: [singing] Big and woke

Big and woke

I am humongous sensitive of

Anna: A new kind of prince who’s not a creep

Kristoff: I won’t kiss you while you’re asleep

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: He’s not a bro but he’s not a cock

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: He’s gentle at first but he really can…

Male voice: Okay! Gonna cut that off a little early. Don’t think anyone screen these deleted scenes. But hey, let’s see how they dealt with the criticism that Frozen was too white.

[Cut to Yucob and Yogan]

Yucob: Halt! We’re the King’s guards.

Yogan: We’ve been trapped in this forest under an evil spell.

[Latayas walks in]

Latayas: That’s right. And we will protect the king at all costs.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: I’m sorry sir, and you are?

[Cut to the King’s guards]

Latayas: Latayas. Lieutenant in the royal guard.

Yogan: And I’m Yogan.

Yucob: And I’m Yucob. At your service.

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: Yes, you two make sens. I’m trying to wrap my head around Latayas. You live here?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: Norway, in 1840, that’s correct.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: And who do you live with?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: No one. All alone. In Norway. Not shoe-horned in any way.

[Cut to Yucob and Yogan]

Yogan: Oh sure, but when I auditioned to be in Black Panther army, that was a firm no.

[music playing] [Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: [singing] How do you solve a problem like Latayas?

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: How do you make it seem like this makes sense?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: Why would I come to Scandinavia?

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff. Kristoff walks to Latayas]

Kristoff: At least we made this Frozen world diverse.

Latayas: Oh, yeah! It’s a real rainbow of colors now.

Male voice: Problem solved! And hey, see if you can spot how the animators redesigned one of the most iconic Frozen characters.

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: Guys, we need to keep moving. I’m supposed to ride a water-horse to an ice island to free a fire spirit or something. I think the part of this movie might be really bad.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: Oh! But we can’t leave without Olaf.

[Cut to Olaf running in. He has one carrot as his nose and another carrot as his penis.]

Olaf: Don’t worry. I’m right here, guys. Boy, isn’t it a beautiful day outside? Wheeeee!

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Kristoff: Um, hey Olaf, what’s that second carrot about?

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: Which? This one? [showing his nose carrot] [Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: I think you know that’s not that carrot he’s talking about.

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: I guess I’m just growing up before your very eyes.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Kristoff: Alright! That’s it. We’re gonna leave Olaf here.

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: What? No hugs for Olaf? You know, carrots are good for your vision.

[music playing] [singing] Do you want to build a snowman 

[Olaf walks to get hugs but everybody are walking away from him]

Kristoff: That thing is thicker than a coke can

[Cut to the reindeer thinking, “Oh, I love carrots”.]

Male voice: Alright! We’re just gonna end it there. Frozen II on digital HD and DVD. Tell your kids we’re sorry.