Santa & The Elves

Santa Claus… Bobby Moynihan

Elves… Kenan Thompson, Venessa Bayer, Ryan Gosling

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a book “Santa and his Magical Elves”.]

Male voice: With only a fortnight left till Christmas, Santa’s elves were hard at work making toys for children all over the world. Or were they?

[Cut to Santa Claus walking in the workshop]

Santa Claus: Ding dong ding, with a little ding dong. Ho-ho-ho. Time to see how the Christmas toys are coming along. [looks at the table] Oh, what on earth? This chu-chu has no wheels. And this dolly needs a head. Elves, up here.

[The elves appear on the table]

Kenan: Santa, you beckoned us.

Venessa: Is there something we can do for you?

Ryan: It sounded urgent, so we came right away, sir.

Santa Claus: These toys are not complete. These toys are not complete and we are on a tight schedule.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Oh, no! We are so sorry.

Venessa: Oh, we let you down big time.

Ryan: We totally goofed.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: You certainly did. I’m so disappointed.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Yeah. So, I guess you gotta like, show us who’s the boss now. Right? Right, Santa? Like, show us who’s in charge?

Venessa: Yeah, um, otherwise how will we ever learn?

Ryan: Me, I learn through discipline.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Whatever do you mean!

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: I don’t know. Some kind of punishment.

Kenan: It could be bodily, like, something with my body.

Ryan: We have very few limits. Wink wink. Wiggle wiggle.

[Cut to everybody]

Santa Claus: I don’t even know what you silly elves are talking about. I will be back at first day light and I expect this table to be filled with toys, understand?

Venessa: Yes, Santa.

Kenan: Yes sir.

Ryan: You got it.

[Santa Claus leaves the workshop] [The night pass and it’s morning. The roosters are cuckooing.] [Cut to the workshop. The table is empty and the elves are just sitting. Santa Claus walks in.]

Santa Claus: Good morning elves. How are the toys co– What? You haven’t done a thing.

Kenan: I know. [Cut to the elves] We are so bad. I guess it’s time to teach us our lesson.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: What?

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: We deserve it. We’re not fit to lick your boot.

Ryan: But we’ll do it… if you force us to.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Alright. Oh!

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Oh, are you fed up, Santa? Well, I get it. If I were you, I would just pull down my little green pants and go to town on me.

Venessa: Yeah, maybe then we’d stop making mistakes.

Ryan: Speaking of mistakes, [Ryan throws away a bottle on purpose.] I just dropped a gumdrop. Whoops! Better go get it. [Ryan leans showing Santa Claus his butt to hit on.]

Santa Claus: Ooh! You see anything you like, Santa? Maybe you need to take charge of that.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Hmm, you elves are skating on think ice.

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: Oh, yeah. Santa’s getting hot now. Why don’t you unzip your big red suit and walk around in just your boots?

Ryan: Stop around and let your hairy belly bounce all over the place?

Kenan: Yeah, and then there would be no question who would be in charge. Right? Good old Saint dick– Nick! Sorry!

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Can you please just make some toys?

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: Oh, look at what I found, Santa. A candle.

Kenan: Is this to drop wax on our privates with?

Ryan: You better put jingle bells in our mouths… coz we’re screamers!

Venessa: Yeah. And when you’re done, you can snow all over us.

Santa Claus: Okay! Enough! [Cut to everybody] Guys, guys! Enough. Come on, now! Give me a break. 3000 years ago, sure, I would have totally turn into all of you. But look, I am not that guy anymore. And after you wake up in a bunch of weird beds with people you don’t even remember meeting, you start to want something more. And that is when I really became Santa.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Does this mean you’re not gonna do anything?

[Cut to Santa Claus. Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, he’ll do something, but only with me. Right, big guy?

Santa Claus: You heard her. She is the real boss around here.

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: That’s very sweet.

Ryan: Yeah, thanks for sharing that with us.

Kenan: I think I needed to hear that.

[Cut to everyone]

Santa Claus: Now, alright you guys. Finish your toys and then pack up your elf junk. You’re all fired! Take care.

Ryan: Oh man!

Venessa: Oh man! Come on.

[Santa Claus and Aidy walk away] [The End]

Singing Elves

Elf Fizzy… Alex Moffat

Elf Tizzy…Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Dondra Dupres… Scarlett Johansson

Wondrous Williams… Kenan Thompson

Latony Garag… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a Santa Land store in a mall]

Elf Fizzy: Hello, everyone. I’m Elf Fizzy.

Elf Tizzy: And I’m Elf Tizzy. Welcome to Santa Land at the North Ridge Mall.

[Cut to few adults and children clapping] [Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: Yeah! And before we line you up for Santa, there are some elves that want to sing for you.

[Cut to the Heidi and Beck]

Heidi: Well that sounds nice. I wonder what they’ll sing.

Beck: Probably some pretty basic Christmas junk.

Heidi: Hon, be fun.

Beck: Okay.

[Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: And just so you know, the singing elves are not the ones on the poster, the website or from our very deep bench of understudies.

Elf Tizzy: These two work at the mall and they picked the costumes.

Elf Fizzy: Uh-huh! Here they are. Those people!

[Dondra and Wondrous walk in in elf costumes.]

Dondra: Hi, I’m Dondra Dupres.

Wondrous: And I am Wondrous William.

Dondra: Wondrous and I work at the hair extension kiosk in the mall.

Wondrous: More than that, we are entertain-ters!

Dondra: The first song song is about the special problemities that Santa may have around a Chimnies.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Wig white black boot

wide belt red suit

Dondra: [singing]

Beard gorwn lips pursed

enters the room booty first

Dondra and Wondrous: Squishing that ass down the chimney shoot

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is confused but Beck is moving his body to the music.]

Dondra: Everybody get some lube

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

help this booty slip and bloop!

Wondrous: Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop

Dondra and Wondrous: Black down that chimney, y’all!

[Cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: what was that? I wanted “Let it snow.” That felt druggy.

Beck: It felt very Todrick-cal to me. call moment to me.

Heidi: Who’s that?

Beck: He’s great. He’s a dynamic gender bending performer. His songs make you want to shake your boozy.

Heidi: Boozy? Where’s this coming from, babe?

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: What’s wrong with Mrs. Claus, Wondrous?

Wondrous: I don’t know, Dondra. She seems frustrated, sex-u-ally.

Dondra: Maybe she has womanly needs that aren’t being met.

Wondrous: Well, who on earth would do that to her?

Dondra: Exactly.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

While Santa’s climbing in his sleigh

Mrs. C comes out to play

Dondra: [singing]

Mrs. Claus don’t give no f

she gives her cookies to the elves

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: Mrs. Claus has needs

Wondrous: Needs

Dondra: Needs that starts with a D

Wondrous: D

Dondra: If you give an f

Wondrous: F

Dondra: Please loan one out to me

Wondrous: Me

Dondra and Wondrous: All of our f’s are what? Got ya’ blap!

[cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: Oh, my god! Am I being sensitive or was that song about Mrs. Claus needing to get railed by elves?

Beck: Of course. The relationship is open. It’s fluid. It’s very Todrick.

Heidi: Hey, who are you today? And who introduced you to this Todrick?

Beck: Mistyandre.

Heidi: Who is that? We know all the same people.

Beck: Maybe you do.

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Wondrous: And now, we would like to introduce to you to the writer of our songs.

Dondra: Latony Garag. Latony, get out here.

[Latony Garag walks in.]

Latony Garag: Merry Christmas to the children.

Wondrous: Latony, is there anything you would like to say before this next song?

[Cut to Latony Garag]

Latony Garag: Yes. This song was written as an homage to my mother. The mother of the house, miss Buffay Styles. It was written at Dondra am when I was skiing with miss Connie. See what I’m saying? The snow that goes up. Understand? The Northeast snow. I’m talking about crook rain!

[Cut to the disappointed audience] [Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: Thanks Latony for the clarification. Let’s do this.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Santa’s tired he’s a grump

Dondra: [singing]

Sork all night he needs a bump

Wondrous: Do that bump off your rump

Dondra and Wondrous: The rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum,

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: I thought no one told you what it’s like.

Dondra and Wondrous: Wou, wou, wou, wou, wou,

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is dancing now.]

Heidi: I don’t love that that song was about doing cocaine. But I like that this is the first time I’ve ever seen you happy.

Beck: I’m glad you noticed. Merry Christmas, baby.

Heidi: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Beck: Yeah, I don’t like that for you.