Tag: elves

Stu

Santa… Jason Bateman

Elves… Chloe Fineman, Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

Stu… Pete Davidson

Dido… Kate McKinnon

Elton John… Bowen Yang

[Starts with elves reading letters from children to Santa]

Elf: But the thing i want more than anything in the whole world is a new bike. Love, chase.

Santa: Ho ho ho! What a good boy! Let’s give him that bike and a helmet!

Elf: Good thinking, Santa!

Elf: Oh, and here’s one from Emily. “Dear Santa, this year I want a Disney princess mirror!”

Shanta: That’s exactly what she’ll get, huh? Who’s next? Rupert?

Elf: Um…

Santa: Rupert, what is it?

Elf: It’s just, heh, mine’s a little weird.

Santa: I’m sure it’s not that weird. just read it!

Elf: Um, okay. But it starts normal enough. Dear Santa…

[Cut to underground where 1 is writing a letter. It’s a copy of music video of “Stan” bye Eminem ft. Dido.] [“Stan” instrumental playing]

Stu: [rapping] Dear Santa, I can’t believe the year is almost over
It’s getting colder, I’m a year older, but I’m still your soldier
You’re my hero because you always bring me the assist
So once again we’re back to zero, here we go, my Christmas list
I won’t be greedy or needy or ask you for too much
Just want one thing, and I hope you still got that magic touch
’cause gettin’ this present is the only thing keeping me alive
Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a PS5
I tried to buy one at Walmart, ran around the mall like Paul Blart
Tried to buy one on sale, but the thing was, they’re all out
Yo, I even went to a game stop, but then I went “Oh, wait, stop!
Santa Claus can make one, he’s got his own workshop.”
I know you prob’ly hear this every day, but you got a cool hat
I love that movie you did with Will Ferrell, man, elf was phat
Anyways, I love the things you do
Don’t forget, bring me gift, truly i believe in you
This is Stu

[Cut to an elf dropping Stu’s letter on the floor while delivering them to Santa]

Dear Santa, I notice you never wrote me a letter back
That’s fine, dawg, but really, I think that’s kinda wack
If you can’t help your biggest fan, then you should just retire
Or next time you slide down my chimney, I’ll set your ass on fire
Just playin’, I still love you, don’t think that I’m obsessed
I even got a tattoo of your name across my chest
Just bring that PS5, bro, if it’s the only thing you do
Sincerely, Stu. p.s. we should live together. cue dido

[Cut to Dido sleeping on a mattress holding a PS5]

Dido: [singing] Stu is waiting for his surprise
To open up a PS5
He just really wants to play
Assassin’s creed on Christmas day
But he can’t buy it himself because he lost his job
He was stealing from his boss
I’d be worried ’cause he’s a scary guy
A scary guy

[Cut to Stu driving a car in a raining night. He’s recording his message while driving.]

Stu: Dear mister holly jolly two-faced son of a bitch
I hope you crash your sleigh and wind up face-down in a ditch
I guess even the great saint Nick can’t track down a PS5
Hey Santa, I drank a fifth of eggnog, dare me to drive
You ruined Christmas, I wish I never told you what was on my wishlist
Screw you, your elves, your stupid beard, and your bitch tits
So this’ll be my last letter, i know you’ll miss me when I’m gone
Sincerely yours, Stu. ladies and gentlemen, sir Elton John

[Cut to Elton John singing while playing piano]

Elton John: [singing]This year Christmas will be bad
’cause Santa sucks and Stu is sad
Already asked you really nicely
And now he’s really pissed off
I’m just telling you ’cause I like you a lot
I’m a big fan of Santa
And I also want a PS5
A PS5

[Cut to Santa and elves talking]

Elf: Santa, this is serious!

Elf: Don’t panic, don’t panic!

Elf: I’m freaking out! Aaaah!

Santa: All right, all right! I think it’s time I write a letter back to Stu.

[rapping] Dear Stu, I think you got the wrong address, bro.
I’m not Santa Claus. Bye Bye!”

Elf: Damn!

[Cut to a TV screen It shows Eminem reading a letter from Santa]

Eminem: What’s this? “To shady, from Santa.” That’s crazy, a PS5? I didn’t even ask for this. Shady must have been a good boy this year. Sorry, Stu. You f—– up

Santa & The Elves

Santa Claus… Bobby Moynihan

Elves… Kenan Thompson, Venessa Bayer, Ryan Gosling

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a book “Santa and his Magical Elves”.]

Male voice: With only a fortnight left till Christmas, Santa’s elves were hard at work making toys for children all over the world. Or were they?

[Cut to Santa Claus walking in the workshop]

Santa Claus: Ding dong ding, with a little ding dong. Ho-ho-ho. Time to see how the Christmas toys are coming along. [looks at the table] Oh, what on earth? This chu-chu has no wheels. And this dolly needs a head. Elves, up here.

[The elves appear on the table]

Kenan: Santa, you beckoned us.

Venessa: Is there something we can do for you?

Ryan: It sounded urgent, so we came right away, sir.

Santa Claus: These toys are not complete. These toys are not complete and we are on a tight schedule.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Oh, no! We are so sorry.

Venessa: Oh, we let you down big time.

Ryan: We totally goofed.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: You certainly did. I’m so disappointed.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Yeah. So, I guess you gotta like, show us who’s the boss now. Right? Right, Santa? Like, show us who’s in charge?

Venessa: Yeah, um, otherwise how will we ever learn?

Ryan: Me, I learn through discipline.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Whatever do you mean!

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: I don’t know. Some kind of punishment.

Kenan: It could be bodily, like, something with my body.

Ryan: We have very few limits. Wink wink. Wiggle wiggle.

[Cut to everybody]

Santa Claus: I don’t even know what you silly elves are talking about. I will be back at first day light and I expect this table to be filled with toys, understand?

Venessa: Yes, Santa.

Kenan: Yes sir.

Ryan: You got it.

[Santa Claus leaves the workshop] [The night pass and it’s morning. The roosters are cuckooing.] [Cut to the workshop. The table is empty and the elves are just sitting. Santa Claus walks in.]

Santa Claus: Good morning elves. How are the toys co– What? You haven’t done a thing.

Kenan: I know. [Cut to the elves] We are so bad. I guess it’s time to teach us our lesson.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: What?

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: We deserve it. We’re not fit to lick your boot.

Ryan: But we’ll do it… if you force us to.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Alright. Oh!

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Oh, are you fed up, Santa? Well, I get it. If I were you, I would just pull down my little green pants and go to town on me.

Venessa: Yeah, maybe then we’d stop making mistakes.

Ryan: Speaking of mistakes, [Ryan throws away a bottle on purpose.] I just dropped a gumdrop. Whoops! Better go get it. [Ryan leans showing Santa Claus his butt to hit on.]

Santa Claus: Ooh! You see anything you like, Santa? Maybe you need to take charge of that.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Hmm, you elves are skating on think ice.

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: Oh, yeah. Santa’s getting hot now. Why don’t you unzip your big red suit and walk around in just your boots?

Ryan: Stop around and let your hairy belly bounce all over the place?

Kenan: Yeah, and then there would be no question who would be in charge. Right? Good old Saint dick– Nick! Sorry!

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Can you please just make some toys?

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: Oh, look at what I found, Santa. A candle.

Kenan: Is this to drop wax on our privates with?

Ryan: You better put jingle bells in our mouths… coz we’re screamers!

Venessa: Yeah. And when you’re done, you can snow all over us.

Santa Claus: Okay! Enough! [Cut to everybody] Guys, guys! Enough. Come on, now! Give me a break. 3000 years ago, sure, I would have totally turn into all of you. But look, I am not that guy anymore. And after you wake up in a bunch of weird beds with people you don’t even remember meeting, you start to want something more. And that is when I really became Santa.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Does this mean you’re not gonna do anything?

[Cut to Santa Claus. Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, he’ll do something, but only with me. Right, big guy?

Santa Claus: You heard her. She is the real boss around here.

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: That’s very sweet.

Ryan: Yeah, thanks for sharing that with us.

Kenan: I think I needed to hear that.

[Cut to everyone]

Santa Claus: Now, alright you guys. Finish your toys and then pack up your elf junk. You’re all fired! Take care.

Ryan: Oh man!

Venessa: Oh man! Come on.

[Santa Claus and Aidy walk away] [The End]

Singing Elves

Elf Fizzy… Alex Moffat

Elf Tizzy…Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Dondra Dupres… Scarlett Johansson

Wondrous Williams… Kenan Thompson

Latony Garag… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a Santa Land store in a mall]

Elf Fizzy: Hello, everyone. I’m Elf Fizzy.

Elf Tizzy: And I’m Elf Tizzy. Welcome to Santa Land at the North Ridge Mall.

[Cut to few adults and children clapping] [Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: Yeah! And before we line you up for Santa, there are some elves that want to sing for you.

[Cut to the Heidi and Beck]

Heidi: Well that sounds nice. I wonder what they’ll sing.

Beck: Probably some pretty basic Christmas junk.

Heidi: Hon, be fun.

Beck: Okay.

[Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: And just so you know, the singing elves are not the ones on the poster, the website or from our very deep bench of understudies.

Elf Tizzy: These two work at the mall and they picked the costumes.

Elf Fizzy: Uh-huh! Here they are. Those people!

[Dondra and Wondrous walk in in elf costumes.]

Dondra: Hi, I’m Dondra Dupres.

Wondrous: And I am Wondrous William.

Dondra: Wondrous and I work at the hair extension kiosk in the mall.

Wondrous: More than that, we are entertain-ters!

Dondra: The first song song is about the special problemities that Santa may have around a Chimnies.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Wig white black boot

wide belt red suit

Dondra: [singing]

Beard gorwn lips pursed

enters the room booty first

Dondra and Wondrous: Squishing that ass down the chimney shoot

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is confused but Beck is moving his body to the music.]

Dondra: Everybody get some lube

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

help this booty slip and bloop!

Wondrous: Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop

Dondra and Wondrous: Black down that chimney, y’all!

[Cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: what was that? I wanted “Let it snow.” That felt druggy.

Beck: It felt very Todrick-cal to me. call moment to me.

Heidi: Who’s that?

Beck: He’s great. He’s a dynamic gender bending performer. His songs make you want to shake your boozy.

Heidi: Boozy? Where’s this coming from, babe?

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: What’s wrong with Mrs. Claus, Wondrous?

Wondrous: I don’t know, Dondra. She seems frustrated, sex-u-ally.

Dondra: Maybe she has womanly needs that aren’t being met.

Wondrous: Well, who on earth would do that to her?

Dondra: Exactly.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

While Santa’s climbing in his sleigh

Mrs. C comes out to play

Dondra: [singing]

Mrs. Claus don’t give no f

she gives her cookies to the elves

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: Mrs. Claus has needs

Wondrous: Needs

Dondra: Needs that starts with a D

Wondrous: D

Dondra: If you give an f

Wondrous: F

Dondra: Please loan one out to me

Wondrous: Me

Dondra and Wondrous: All of our f’s are what? Got ya’ blap!

[cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: Oh, my god! Am I being sensitive or was that song about Mrs. Claus needing to get railed by elves?

Beck: Of course. The relationship is open. It’s fluid. It’s very Todrick.

Heidi: Hey, who are you today? And who introduced you to this Todrick?

Beck: Mistyandre.

Heidi: Who is that? We know all the same people.

Beck: Maybe you do.

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Wondrous: And now, we would like to introduce to you to the writer of our songs.

Dondra: Latony Garag. Latony, get out here.

[Latony Garag walks in.]

Latony Garag: Merry Christmas to the children.

Wondrous: Latony, is there anything you would like to say before this next song?

[Cut to Latony Garag]

Latony Garag: Yes. This song was written as an homage to my mother. The mother of the house, miss Buffay Styles. It was written at Dondra am when I was skiing with miss Connie. See what I’m saying? The snow that goes up. Understand? The Northeast snow. I’m talking about crook rain!

[Cut to the disappointed audience] [Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: Thanks Latony for the clarification. Let’s do this.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Santa’s tired he’s a grump

Dondra: [singing]

Sork all night he needs a bump

Wondrous: Do that bump off your rump

Dondra and Wondrous: The rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum,

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: I thought no one told you what it’s like.

Dondra and Wondrous: Wou, wou, wou, wou, wou,

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is dancing now.]

Heidi: I don’t love that that song was about doing cocaine. But I like that this is the first time I’ve ever seen you happy.

Beck: I’m glad you noticed. Merry Christmas, baby.

Heidi: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Beck: Yeah, I don’t like that for you.