Herb Welch: Falling Ice

Herb Welch: Falling Ice

Herb Welch…..Bill Hader
Jack Rizzoli…..Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez…..Nasim Pedrad
Cynthia…..Emma Stone
Co-Op President…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on WXPD News title card ]
Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ cut to news desk ]
 Good morning, everyone. I’m Jack Rizzoli.

Wanda: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.

Jack: Our top story today — residents in an Upper East Side co-op are outraged this morning after management failed to remove dangerous falling ice from the outside of the building. Veteran reporter Herb Welch, who is celebrating his 71st year with the station, is on the scene. Hello, Herb.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Herb: Hello, Jack.

Jack: Now, tell us, Herb, what is the mood where you are?

Herb: They changed the 8 a.m. service to a Spanish mass, so I’m not doing too well.

Jack: No. No, not your mood, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Not your mood, Herb. I’m asking — how are the residents of that building?

[ cut to Herb outside apartment complex]
I’ve got some lady. Who’re you?

Cynthia: My name is Cynthia Coralina Ronowitz.

Herb: [ groans ] Pick a name. [ they glare at each other ] Alright, what happened?

[ Herb hits Cynthia on the cheek with microphone ]

Cynthia: Ever since the storm, melting icicles have been falling onto the street. And I was almost hit on my way to work.

Herb: What are you, a cigarette girl?

[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone again, pushing her hair into her mouth ]

Cynthia: [ fixing hair ] No. I don’t smoke. Look, this ice is dangerous, and no one is doing anything about it.

Herb: Well, there you have it. You call it a bikini, but I call it too far. Back to you, Jack.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: No, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Herb. Stay on topic, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Stay on topic. You know, ask your source if anyone’s been injured, or something like that.

Herb: Don’t direct me, you tie rack.

[ cut back to Herb and Cynthia ]
[ Herb gestures to wave Jack off ]

Herb: Alright. Hey. Hey. Who’s injured? [ hits Cynthia in the face with microphone ]

Cynthia: [ throws hand up ] No one, thank God. It’s only a matter of time before someone’s hurt, or worse.

Herb: You think this Belafonte kid oughta, you know, pipe down?

[ Herb thrusts microphone at Cynthia, who blocks it with her purse. Microphone rebounds and hits Herb in the face ]

Herb: [ covering mouth ] Got me in the mouth.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Wanda ]
Wanda: Herb. Herb, have residents lodged a formal complaint with the co-op board?

Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, this lady.

Wanda: Herb. Herb, ask her.

Herb: Shouldn’t you be changing hotel linens somewhere?

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: No. No, Herb. Herb, Wanda is a respected journalist. Now ask the question.

Herb: Aw, you stink on ice.

[ cut to Herb and Cynthia ]
Cynthia: [ pointing ] Look, our co-op president is right over there. And she has repeatedly ignored our requests. She even sent me a memo telling us not to speak with reporters.

[ camera pans to Co-Op President ]

Co-Op President: [ pointing at camera ] My god, that is slander! I’ve done nothing of the sort!

Herb: Alright, and that’s the news. For G.I. Radio, this is Private Herbie Welch reminding you to keep your socks dry.

Jack: [ off-screen ] No, no, no. No, Herb, do the story.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: Do it. Do the story, please.

Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, “do the st…”—alright.

[ cut to Herb at apartment complex ]
Herb: [ reaching towards Co-Op President, waving her over ] Come here. [ grabs Co-Op President’s shoulder and fondles, hand moving up to her face ] Come here. [ puts arm around her shoulder ] Tell me, sir — how’s a fellow like you fit into all this? [ hits in face with mic ]

Co-Op President: I’m a woman.

Herb: Woman, huh? [ takes off glasses ] Let me see.

[ Herb takes microphone and rubs down her chest, then taps each of her breasts repeatedly ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] No. Herb. Herb.

[ Herb hits Co-Op President in the crotch with microphone repeatedly, winding arm back further each time ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] No. No, come on. Herb.

[ Herb taps Co-Op President in the crotch quickly, then winds back and hits her like a gong ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] Herb! Aw, man. Come on.

Herb: [ puts glasses back on ] Don’t worry, ma’am. There’s always a life in the church.

Co-Op President: Dinosaur. [ starts hitting Herb with clipboard ]

Herb: Ah, get away from me.

Jack: [ off-screen ] Ah, come on, Herb. Herb!

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Herb: That guy attacked me.

Jack: Well, you know, Herb, maybe it’s time you look into retirement.

Herb: [ pointing at camera ] You talk to me like that again, I’ll have my secretary Amilda fire off a memo.

Jack: No. Amilda’s not your secretary, Herb. She’s your nurse.

Herb: That woman is mean to me.

Jack: Well, I don’t blame her.

Herb: [ rushing the camera ] You son of a — [ starts hitting camera with microphone ]

Jack: Just cut away. Just cut away, please. Okay.

[ cut to news room ]
Jack: As always, we apologize to you in the Hispanic and unattractive communities. Up next, Occupy Wall Street enters its third month —

[ someone hands Jack a piece of paper, which he reads briefly ]

Jack: But first, some sad news. We’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Herb, seen here with his protégé Andy Rooney —

[ cut to black and white photograph of Herb Welch hitting Andy Rooney in the face with microphone ]

[ cut back to Jack ]
Jack: — had been in ill health for some time. We go there now.

[ cut to Cynthia and Co-Op President at apartment complex with Herb, who is frozen in a cadaveric spasm ]
Co-Op President: [ speaking into walkie-talkie ] Yeah, can we get a, uh, body removal? We have an elderly dead body.

Herb: [ revives ] Eat mic, Ponzi.

[ Herb hits Co-Op President with microphone. Co-Op President goes down ]

Cynthia: This man is awful —

[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone, who goes down as well ]

Herb: [ raising hand ] Herb Welch lives.

[ cut to news room ]
Jack: [ shaking head ] Just terrible.

Wanda: Can’t we fire him?

[ Herb’s hand comes from right off-screen and hits Wanda in the face with microphone ]

Jack: [ gestures at Wanda and laughs ]

[ Herb’s hand comes from left off-screen and hits Jack in the face with microphone ]

Jack: Oh — [ grimaces ]

[ cut to WXPD title card ]

Ryan Gosling Jazz Monologue

Ryan Gosling

Kenan Thompson

Emma Stone

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling.

[Ryan Gosling walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ryan Gosling: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so honored to be here hosting SNL again. It’s my second time. It’s the season premiere. Jay-Z is here. I mean, I haven’t felt this excited since I saved Jazz. [audience laughing] You guys know I saved Jazz, right? I mean I did this movie La La Land and then everyone was saying that I saved jazz. I guess it was dying and I saved it. But more importantly, I have a movie coming out called Blade Runner 2049 with Harrison Ford. [cheers and applause] Yes, it’s very exciting. It opens in a week. And yes, for those of you who are curious, I was the last person who thought he would save jazz. I mean I was like, “Me, Ryan Gosling, all like a white kid from Canada, I guess I can try and save jazz.” So, I did. Anyway, that’s beside the point.

The first day of shooting on Blade Runner, I met Harrison Ford and he walks right up to me and he looks me right in the eye and he says, “Ryan, what the heck is jazz?” Well, let me unpack that a little for you, Harrison.

[Ryan Gosling takes a seat to play the piano]

[cheers and applause]

I learned this jazz on the movie. It’s like music in motion. The notes are talking to each other and giving each other a little kiss. But sometimes, notes get into fights and this one stops talking to that one. And then this one is like, “Screw you guys, I’m doing my own thing.” But you know what? They always make up. [Ryan Gosling lights up a cigarette using his both hands, but the piano is still playing] Now, jazz was born in New Orleans or as it’s correctly pronounced, Nerlens. And then from Nerlens– From Nerlens they moved on to Chicagi and then to NYC city. And let me tell you, jazz was the thing. Jazz was where it was at. And then it almost died and I saved it.

The budget for Blade Runner was insane. It was like 9 billion. 9 billion. As many notes as there are in jazz. But jazz isn’t just about the notes you play. It’s about, the notes you don’t play. You know what I mean? I’m so glad I saved jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up, man?

Ryan Gosling: Oh, hey, Kenan.

[Kenan Thompson pulls Ryan Gosling to the stage away from piano]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah.

Ryan Gosling: What’s up?

Kenan Thompson: Just would love to chat with you in private a little bit. Yeah, we’re done with that. Thanks. Dude, what are you doing out here? You talking about jazz and Chicai and Nerlens, and nobody wants to hear you do that.

[Kenan Thompson pulls the cigarette out of Ryan Gosling’s mouth]

Ryan Gosling: Said the guy who didn’t save jazz.

Kenan Thompson: You didn’t save jazz. It was sarcasm. It was a joke.

Ryan Gosling: Well, I don’t care, Kenan. Because jazz is all about going with the flow, and this is the flow I’m feeling right now.

Kenan Thompson: Well, you are a bad ambassador for jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks away]

Ryan Gosling: [pointing at the band] These guys know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Huh? Come on, hit it.

[the band start playing jazz music]

You see, the sax is ripping with the guitars. Hold on. Guys, guys, guys. Quiet, quiet, quiet, please, please. The thing is if you play jazz that loud, then people can’t hear me talking about jazz. That’s what we’re all here for, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

[Emma Stone walks in]

Emma Stone: Hey, hey! Ryan! Ryan! [cheers and applause] Can I speak to you for just a second?

Ryan Gosling: Emma, didn’t you hear? I just jazz good with the guys.

Emma Stone: Yeah. I did. You jazz fine. What are you doing? Ryan, you didn’t save jazz. How many times  have we talked about this?

Ryan Gosling: A lot.

Emma Stone: Yeah. A lot. Because you didn’t save jazz. We saved jazz. [Emma Stone takes a puff of a cigarette]

[cheers and applause]

Isn’t that right, NYC city?

Ryan Gosling: You’re right. [band playing music] We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Emma Stone: Jay-Z is here.

Ryan Gosling: So stick around. We’ll be right back.

The Nativity

Mary… Emma Stone

Joseph… Kyle Mooney

Barshaba.. Pete Davidson

Nicodemus… Mikey Day

Three wise men… Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat, Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mary and Joseph inside a barn]

Mary: He’s here. He’s finally here. Look, Joseph, our son, Jesus.

Joseph: You’ve done something extraordinary. And now, Mary, you really must rest.

[door knocking]

Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Well, whoever it is, tell them to leave.

Joseph: Why?

Mary: Well, I don’t know about you, Joseph, but I’m not in the mood to have people over right now because I just had a baby, in a barn.

Joseph: I understand, Mary.

[Joseph goes to open the door]

[Barshaba and Nicodemus enter]

Barshaba: Greetings. We heard there is a baby. A savior baby.

Nicodemus: We wish to look upon him, we wish to look upon him.

Mary: Sure, come on in. Take a look.

Joseph: Okay, so we’re just going to have visitors even though this place is a mess and I had no time to get ready? Cool, cool, cool.

[Barshaba and Nicodemus walk in]

Nicodemus: Yes, I am Nicodemus. This is Barshaba.

Barshaba: Are you okay? You look so tired.

Joseph: Yeah, I wonder why.

[door knocking]

Joseph: Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Joseph, no more guests.

Joseph: I got it. [squeaky voice] I got it.

[Kenan, Beck  and Alex  enter]

Kenan: Salutations. We are three wise men.

Joseph: Cool. Come in.

Mary: Truly, Joseph. Truly.

Beck : Oh, is this the child?

Mary: Look, I know you’re all judging me because there’s no place to sit and my shawl is jacked. But just like– know that I had a baby in a barn today. Okay? Baby in a barn.

Joseph: Mary, it’s fine. Nobody cares.

Mary: I care. I have looked cute every day of my 14 year old life. And now, we have literal kings visiting. And I look like hot hummus.

Joseph: No one is thinking that.

Mary: That guy is.

Kenan: She’s right. I was thinking that.

Alex : Don’t listen to him. We care about your well being.

Mary: Well, I’m glad you care because, you know, who didn’t? Every hotel owner in Bethlehem.

Alex : Mary, Joseph, we come bearing gifts.

Beck : We the magi have brought gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Mary: Great. I heard blankets, diapers and a crib.

[door knocking]

Joseph: [shouting] Hey, you can just come in.

Mary: Urgh!

[Bobby enters with his friends]
Bobby: We’re here to see the child and a camel.

Mary: Oh, great. More dudes and an animal.

Joseph: Y’all, sorry about her. She’s being super weird today. Woud you guys like drinks or something?

All: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Joseph: Hey, Mary, these guys said they want drinks.

Mary: [looking at Joseph angrily] So?

Joseph: [confused] So, can you get them? Coz, I don’t know where we keep them.

Mary: And I’m out. Cool, guys. This has been fun. Take care of my baby for me. Bye. [Bobby is painting] What are you painting?

Bobby: I’m painting the birth of Jesus as it was and as it always will be.

Mary: Um, no. Here’s how you’re going to paint me. Alright. Serene and gorgeous with rays of light coming out of my head. And maybe I’m just posing like this.

Joseph: Mary, you’re being crazy.

Mary: I’m sorry. I guess when I found out I was going to give birth to a savior, I just assumed it was going to be nicer. Like, there would be a real bed. And I don’t know, like a doctor and no sheep poop on the floor. But everybody is looking at me and I feel puffy and I feel gross.

Joseph: Guys, I think Mary just needs some rest. Perhaps everyone can come back tomorrow?

Everybody: Okay.

[Everyone leaves]

Mary: Finally. It’s just me and my special little baby.

[light shines upon Mary]

Male voice: Mary!

Mary: The angel Gabriel. Look, Jesus was born just as you told.

Male voice: Oh, I know. But Mary, are you okay? You look tired.

Mary: Argh!

The Christmas Candle (Emma Stone)

Emma Stone

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Emma, Kate and Aidy in a room full of candles and a Christmas tree.]

Kate: Everyone knows the story…

Emma: Of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Aidy: This is the story…

Emma: Of another more powerful Christmas savior.

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] The snow’s falling down
it’s Christmas time again
a woman has to get a gift for some girl at work named Jen

Emma: She doesn’t know what Jen likes
and she doesn’t super care
so she goes inside a closet just to see what crap’s in there

Aidy: And in darkness there’s a light
then suddenly she sees the Christmas savior’s here tonight

All: It’s a candle, peach candle
it’s been sitting by a bike for a year
for a year
She takes the candle
dust off the candle
and wraps it up for Jen and just says “Here”.

Emma: Then one day after this
in foggy London town
two acquaintances are having cheer when one puts a present down

Kate: The other says, “Wait, what?”
I mean I got you something too
and she rummages inside her purse for garbage that will do

Aidy: And it settles on
something that she had just gotten from her boyfriend’s mom

All: It’s a candle, same peach candle
regifted round the world in just one day
just one day
thank you candle, the one true candle
the candle we all get, then give away.

Aidy: But here’s a warning,
when you give a candle that is all that she needs
don’t pair it with the lotion or some little cream
a lot of people think two gifts are better than one
but that just makes each gift seem smaller and dumb

All: So, just give the candle, don’t overthink the candle
it’s passed to very single woman and most gays
we all get candle, we all give the candle
that $9 candle, that almost new candle
enjoyed by the candle,
it’s a gift of having a gift to give away

a gift of having a gift to give away

Emma: Thank you, candle.


Shawn… Pete Davidson

Snowboarder… Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Krissy Knox Emma Stone

Walton P… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Shawn studying in his room.]

Shawn: Argh! I don’t know what X equals. I hate math. I should just drop out of school. [yawning] Drop out of school. Drop out of school.

[Shawn sleeps and starts dreaming.]

[The poster of a snowboarder behind him comes to life]

Snowboarder: Don’t give up, Shawn.

Shawn: Okay. My poster is talking to me. So I must be dreaming.

Snowboarder: Yeah. And you’re also dreaming if you think that you’re never gonna use math. I use it everyday when I’m snowboarding. Velocity, momentum, angle of the pipe. You think I can land a toe side triple mix sticky without math? No way, man! I calculate it every time.

[Cut to another poster of Kate holding a gun]

Kate: What’s up math? Do you think you could play Battle Horizon 2 on your Xbox?

Shawn: Um, there’s not math in that game.

Kate: What do you think video games are made of? I’m just code. Ones and zeros. I’m made of math.

Shawn: Whoa, I never thought of it like that.

[Cut to another poster of Krissy Knox holding a hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: [squeaky voice] Ooh, yeah. Do you like my fat shiny hot dog?

Shawn: Um, sure. Do you use math, Krissy Knox?

[Cut to another poster of Walton P]

Walton P: Man! Everybody uses maths!

Shawn: Walton P, you’re a stand up comic. I mean, don’t even try to tell me you use math.

Walton P: Yo! A joke is all timing and numbers, baby. So, without math, I could never do jokes like this. Uh, uh, you ever get a text from your side piece then make sure you say, “Uh! Say huh to the what now?”

Shawn: Ha-ha-ha. That gets me every time.

Walton P: But dropping out of school is no joke. You need your education wherever life takes you. Whether it’s to the stage…

Snowboarder: The slopes…

Kate: The Battlefield.

Krissy Knox: Or the big, nasty hotdog.

Shawn: I get it guys, but I can’t do math. I’m stupid.

Snowboarder: Hey, bro. Don’t say that.

Kate: Only stupid thing here is that attitude.

Walton P: You just gotta apply yourself.

Krissy Knox: Look at my butt.

Walton P: Hey, hey, hey, Krissy, come on, help us out, girl. I mean, we’re trying to get this kid’s head on straight.

Shawn: Yeah. But algebra’s crazy, though. Solve for x? X is a freaking letter.

Kate: It’s a variable. X is what you don’t know.

Krissy Knox: Yeah. So if I eat this entire, fat, gross hotdog, and mustard plops all over my shirt, what is X equal?

Shawn: What? That’s not a math problem.

Krissy Knox: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Shawn: Sorry guys, I think I’m just dumb.

Snowboarder: Hey, stop that. Come here, dude. Listen to me, you are not dumb. You can do math. Alright, watch. Alright, picture that you have five…

Krissy Knox: Huge, stupid hotdogs?

Snowboarder: Sure. Give hotdogs.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah.

Kate: Oh my god, this bitch.

Snowboarder: Now, picture that I had six more hotdogs than you.

Krissy Knox: Now, picture me eating every single one of those fifty, gross, stinky hotdogs.

Walton P: Hey. No more hotdogs stuff. I mean, if you gonna eat the hotdog then eat it but just stop talking about it.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah!

[Kate goes to Krissy Knox’s poster, snatched the hotdog from her hand and eats it.]

Kate: I ate it! I ate the fat hotdog. Hot dog’s over.

[Kate leaves. Krissy Knox pulls out another hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: Oh, yeah!

Shawn: Wait, I think I get it. It’s 11. X equals 11 hotdogs.

Snowboarder: Hey, Shawn, guess what trick you just landed. Algebra, bro!

[alarm ringing]

Shawn: Yeah. Oh, that’s my alarm. Okay, I’m dreaming. Well, thanks for your help everyone.

Walton P: Hey, when you wake up, take that poster down. Just go on the internet for that stuff man. It’s way better.

Shawn: Nah. I think I’ll keep her up. She helped me learn math.

Krissy Knox: Hell yeah, I did.

[Cut to Shawn’s test paper. He has drawn hotdogs all over her answer paper. Teacher has marked “F, see me.”

High School Theatre Show with Emma Stone

Aidy Bryant

Emma Stone

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Woodbridge High School, Student Theatre Showcase intro]

Aidy: Welcome everyone, to Woodbridge High School’s Student Theatre Showcase.

Emma: Written and directed by us. The students.

Aidy: And yes, it’s very hard for us to be up here doing theatre during this current political climate.

Emma: But now, more than ever, we artists cannot and will not be silenced.

Aidy: So without further due, please enjoy our show. Now more than ever, we artists cannot and will not be silenced.

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[The lights turn on]

Kyle: We open on a very dark days to the world.

Beck: Okay Jews, let’s go.

[the actors are in line]

Emma: Mommy, do we have to?

Kate: Yes, honey. That’s the rules of the holocaust.

Emma: Okay, mommy. And mommy, one more question, what year is it again?

Kate: Honey, you know what year it is. Its… 2017.

All: Surprise!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

Kenan: I always forget how bad these are.

Vanessa: Ah! That one kind of made a good point though.

Kenan: They can never know you said that.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: Look, look, it’s Kylie Jenner.

All: Can I get a selfie? Can I get a Selfie?

Emma: Look, look, it’s Chris Hemsworth.

All: Can I get a selfie? Can I get a Selfie?

Mikey: Look, look, it’s …a scientist.

All: Ah, no thanks. Wow!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Uh, the program says, “Tonight’s proceeds go to Standing Rock, let’s get those native Americans the pipeline they want.”

Kenan: Yeah. I don’t think they know what’s happening there.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors are speaking in foreign language]

Emma: And scene. Excuse me, ma’am, could you understand that?

Vanessa: Um, no.

Emma: Is it because we were speaking Mandarin?

Vanessa: Um, yes.

Emma: And you only know English?

Vanessa: Um, yes.

All: Sad!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That was not Mandarin. I heard them say dog in Spanish a few times.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: [coughing] Yep, you guessed it. I have AIDS. I used to be sad about my AIDS. I didn’t want AIDS. My AIDS made me feel less then. But now, I don’t let AIDS define me.

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Oh, this one’s actually nice.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: I’m okay with AIDS. I love my AIDS. I’m glad I have AIDS and I wish everyone in the world had AIDS. Because frankly, AIDS…

All: Rocks!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: That sort of became pro-getting-AIDS.

Kenan: Yeah, she over shot the runway at the end there.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Hey guys, for this next part, we’re gonna do something really fun. We’ve been studying improv all semester. So, all we need is a word and we’ll use it to inform this next scene.

Kenan: Basketball.

Beck: Okay, basketball. Here we go.

Emma: Honey, why are you crying?

Kyle: A kid at school called me a fairy.

Emma: Ah! Don’t listen to him. it’s great to be gay. I love you no matter who you are.

Kyle: Thanks mom. That’s important for me to hear.

Emma: Of course. Now go wash up for dinner.

Kyle: What are we having?

Emma: Basketball!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That’s it?

Vanessa: I paid $1,000 for that improv class.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors are kissing each other]

Kate: How about from now on, less shooting more kissing?

All: Black lives matter.

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That was their Black Lives Matter scene?

Vanessa: I’m pretty sure they all just wanted to kiss each other and then made it about something.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors bow down]

Emma: Thank you. That’s our show.

Aidy: And remember guys, don’t throw away your tickets, coz if you save them, you can frame them. Yes.

[The End]

Film Screening

Cecilia Prince… Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Emma Stone

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

Jennifer Aniston

Cecilia Prince: Hello everyone and welcome to tonight’s Hailey Center event, “Big parts, small actresses.” The state of gender equality and film. To my left, star of Ghost Busters, Leslie Jones.

Leslie Jones: Girl, I told you I wanted my credit to be the Olympics.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Going down the line, star of ‘La-la Land’, Emma Stone.

Emma Stone: Hi everyone. I’m stone.

Cecilia Prince: Next, we are so fortunate to be joined by a Hollywood legend, the star of over 300 feature films, and the first woman to ever dive into a swimming pool screen. The great Debette Goldry.

Debette Goldry: It’s honor to be where am I?

Cecilia Prince: And we are so pleased to have with us today, the star of the upcoming film “Office Christmas Party,” Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston: It’s great to be here, and Debette, I have been dying to meet you.

Debette Goldry: And I have been slowly dying. In memoriam Oscars 2017, oh boy!

Cecilia Prince: Okay, now let me start with a question for all of you. What do you think is still holding women back?

Emma Stone: I think there are all these tiny little things. Like, you’ve got to change your hair to fit your type.

Jennifer Aniston: Yeah. And you have to act a certain way so that you don’t get labelled as a difficult.

Debette Goldry: Yeah. You gotta eat arsenic to make your skin pale.

Emma Stone: What?

Debette Goldry: I mean, Samuel Goldwyn had a rule that all of his starlets had to take arsenic tablets to make their skin glow. And then they discovered that it made us, um, I’m sorry, what is the word, psychotic. So, to calm us down, they’d send in the monkey with a tray of Opium, you know how it goes.

Jennifer Aniston: Um, I can’t– I san’t say that I actually know what you’re talking about. I mean, I know we had a monkey on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and he was quite a handful.

Debette Goldry: Yeah, handful of opium, and now that is a friend.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Okay. Now, do all of you find that equal pay is still a battle that needs fighting?

Leslie Jones: Oh, yeah. Even in standup, people don’t want to talk about it but then you find out how much more men is getting paid, it’s crazy.

Debette Goldry: Well, of course we’re paid less than men. They’re men. They’re doing all the work. We’re just lying on a train track waiting to get run over.

Leslie Jones: Oh my god! So you literally were treated like an object?

Debette Goldry: Well, I mean, it made sense. Back in those days, actresses were actually part of the props budget. When I was in filming, I had to sit on a little table next to a piece of masking tape that said “Woman.” And then one of the union guys would pick me up, bring me over, show me the Alfred Hitchcock and say, “Sorry, this is all they have.”

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, my god!

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Let’s pivot. What needs to change for women, not just in Hollywood but in the world at large?

Emma Stone: I think we’re in a unique position to draw attention to worthy causes. Whether it’s raising awareness or meeting with policymakers.

Debette Goldry: You know, the studio once sent me to the white house to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ for FDR. He asked me to tickle his pickle.

Jennifer Aniston: Um, what did you do?

Debette Goldry: Well, I tickled his pickle. He kept all the fake pickle in his wheelchair as a joke. Then I blew him.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] That’s the end of that. Um, let’s talk about women behind the camera.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, well, I’ve been in the director’s chair–

Debette Goldry: A woman director, wow! How could that possibly work? Oh, I see, your husband comes to set dressed up like a plant? Whispers the ideas. got it.

Jennifer Aniston: What? No. I direct the movie.

Debette Goldry: Okay, Jentlefer Panty-ston. Cuckoo. No more arsenic for her, please.

Emma Stone: I think just overall, the whole vibe is so much better when there are women in the room. Whether it’s on set or in the audition.

Debette Goldry: Oh, tell me about it. They used to make me do a whole screen test just for my toot.

Emma Stone: What part of your body is your toot?

Debette Goldry: I’ll give you two guesses and they’re both right.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh my god! Good lord! You see, women’s bodies are constantly under the microscope.

Emma Stone: There’s a whole industry built around shaming actresses for how they look.

Debette Goldry: Yeah, yeah. You know, back when I started, we didn’t have fancy stuff like botox. So, what they’d do is they’d make a little incision on your forehead, pour in pancake batter. On a hot day we’d start to smell like a breakfast. That’s why they call it “Breakfast head at Tiffany’s.”

Emma Stone: Um, it’s called “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

Debette Goldry: Whatever you say, little miss I pick my own boyfriends

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Okay, that’s all the time we have.

Debette Goldry: Oh, boy, I know what that means. I got my ticklers. Where’s those pickles?

Emma Stone High School Monologue

Emma Stone

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Stone.

[Emma Stone walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Emma Stone: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be hosting SNL this time of year. It’s so beautiful. If you’ve never been here in December, they have this huge tree outside and they surround it with literally hundreds of thousands of slow tourists. It’s just– It’s beautiful. This is my third time hosting.

[cheers and applause]

I’m kind of like a veteran now. Well, last time I hosted was five years ago and I was so young back then. You know, I didn’t actually go to high school really, so for me this kind of was my high school. Being here brings back so many memories. Like…

[slow music playing. Emma Stone starts walking around.]

The lights are the same. You know. All these chairs are same. That guy was here. Hi!I think it really was like high school. There are clicks. There are parties. There are awkward hookups. [Emma Stone runs into two men making out] That wasn’t happening before. How sweet is that? Old love. Oh! Kenan! [Emma Stone runs into Kenan Thompson] Hey! Five years ago, I got Kenan to try pot for the first time. Have you ever smoked since then?

Kenan: Couple of times. [as he speaks, the smoke comes out of his mouth]

Emma Stone: Good to see you. [Emma Stone starts walking again] Oh! Oh, my god! This! This is the band dressing room and I used to be so intimidated by this place because this was like where all the mean girls in the cast hung out.

[Vanessa Bayer comes out of the door

Vanessa: [looking away] Hey, bitch!

Emma Stone: Hey, Vanessa.

Vanessa: Haven’t seen you around here in a while. What have you been up to? Getting nominated for an Oscar or something?

Emma Stone: It’s like, only once.

Vanessa: Only once. God! Well, guess what Emma Stone, while you were out doing all these great movies, I was doing two movies. Train Wreck and another one.

Emma Stone: Okay, well, see you Vanessa.

Vanessa: Tell casting directors about me.

Emma Stone: Okay. I’m gonna say something for sure. Argh! [excited] Hi!

Beck: Hi, Emma!

[Emma Stone crosses path with Beck Bennett and hugs Aidy Bryant]

Emma Stone: Aidy! Aidy Bryant. This is a fun fact. This is real. Aidy and I went to high school together.

Aidy: Yeah, it’s true. Xavier Prep in Phoenix.

Emma Stone: Why didn’t we stay in touch?

Aidy: Oh, you left after one semester to go to Hollywood to be famous and I kind of just like, did high school.

Emma Stone: Right. Right. How was that?

Aidy: Actually, very bad.

Emma Stone: Oh! But it all worked out, right?

Aidy: Sure.

[Emma Stone starts walking around]

Emma Stone: So many great memories in this place. But probably, the one that sticks with me is this fling that I had with a guy on the show back then. I wonder if he ever comes around here anymore.

[drums and guitars playing]

[Bobby Moynihan walks in with a football in his hand]

Bobby: Hey, kid, how you’ve been?

Emma Stone: [blushing] Bobby, you look great.

Bobby: Yeah, I know.

Emma Stone: How come you never called?

Bobby: Sorry, it’s not my style, you know? But listen, I’ve been watching you. Spiderman, Birdman, you’ve been doing a lot of crazy stuff, huh?

Emma Stone: Yeah. Have you been doing some cool stuffs too?

Bobby: No.

Emma Stone: Oh my god. What were we doing back then? I was this silly 23 year old and you were–

Bobby: I was 35 and engaged. Hey kid, listen, I know you never had a Homecoming but we’re all family here. So, let’s make tonight your Homecoming.

Emma Stone: Really?

Bobby: Absolutely. Now, I want you to get out there, get on that floor and make a stupid little fool of yourself.

Emma Stone: Okay.

Bobby: Alright! Hey, Emma, go low. [throws the ball] Oh boy.

[Emma Stone walks to the stage]

Emma Stone: Let’s make this night special together. We’ve got a great show. Shawn Mendez is here. So, stick around and we will be right back.

Cleaning Crew

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Emma Stone

Leslie Jones

Karla… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with five colleagues in their office]

Beck: Well gang, thanks for working so late on the night before our big Christmas break. And you are all anxious to get back to your families, so I’ll see you in two weeks. Alirght?

[As everyone is getting ready to leave, three ladies walk in. Pete whispers on Beck’s ears.]

Oh, wait. What’s that? Okay. Um, sit down for a sec, everybody. Um, evidently our wonderful cleaning crew here has put together a Christmas show.

Pete: Really? And they wanna do it now?

Alex: I was hoping to catch the 9 o’clock train.

Cecily: [Russian accent] Oh, I’m so sorry. We can just clean your mess and say or do nothing?

Vanessa: Of course, we will stay and watch your show. You do so much for us.

Emma: Thank you, Ms. Christine.

Vanessa: Thank you Ms. Thang, about to perform with your other two Ms. Thangs.

Sasheer: You don’t know their names, do you?

Cecily: It’s a tradition in our country to share songs.

Emma: So, we write one just for you.

Leslie: With you in mind.

Beck: Sounds great!

Cecily: Okay, we are ready. [Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie] [music playing. They open their outer outfit. Inside, they’re wearing tight dress.]

[singing] hey there, Santa, you’ve been a bad boy

All: Like you do, like you do, like you always damn do

Emma: You came down the chimney and pushed me on the floor

All: What he do? What he do? What does Santa do to you?
Santa said be quiet as a mouse
don’t tell anybody or I’ll burn down your house
bad boy Santa, bad boy Santa
Santa’s a bad, bad boy.

[The staff are clapping]

Beck: Um, that was, um, something. So, thank you. Yeah.

Cecily: It was okay, or bad and you hate it?

Emma: Your face looks confused. You know who is Santa, right?

Leslie: He stand in your house and he goes “Ho, ho, ho!”

Beck: Yes, he does! He sure does. Very cute, ladies.

Vanessa: Thank you for sharing your beautiful cultures with you. I could listen to that for hours.

Pete: Really, Christine?

Emma: Oh, good, good. We have more.

Beck: Okay, well just one more. Deal?

Leslie: It’s a deal.

[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]

Emma: Wake up Santa, get out of my bed
it’s time to deliver those presents

Cecily: I know you want to go again
but it’s time to deliver those presents

Leslie: Santa, no, what did I say?
put on your pants and get back in your sleigh

All: Santa, Santa, Santa
just make it fast

Beck: Um, okay. That was number two.

Leslie: You don’t like?

Beck: Well, here in America, we don’t really think of Santa that way.

Cecily: Like in fun sexy way?

Emma: Like a big Frisker?

Cecily: Yeah, like a goofy elf and he’s horny all the time.

Alex: Kids, that’s not true about Santa.

[There are three kids looking at Alex]

Vanessa: Oh, god damn! I forgot your kids are here.

Alex: Yeah, I have them this weekend. I get on a year. Supervised. Hi, Karla.

Karla: [standing with the kids] This isn’t great, Dan!

Beck: Okay. I think we’ve all had enough. So let’s do just one more to make sure.

Pete: But they didn’t ask to do one more.

Cecily: We had one though.

[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]

Cecily: The elves are lined up outside my door
each one more worked up than the one before

Emma: Santa told the elves they could have a turn

Bad boy Santa, you never learn

Leslie: Give me a break, put the camera away

All: Plus I think, you’re too drunk anyway
Santa, Santa, Santa, what did I tell you

about my chimney
it only goes one way!

Beck: Well, I don’t see how you could top that. But let’s do two or three more just to make sure.

Emma: Okay. But this next one is a little bit dirty…

[The End]

Fashion Coward – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Emma Stone

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of exclusive fashion commercial]

Heidi Gardner: I let my look do the talking.

Ego Nwodim: My body is my canvas, and my clothes is my paint.

Narrator: When it comes to fashion, there’s no risk you won’t take. Well, congrats on being hot, but this ain’t for you. [Cut to a simple clothing store] Introducing fashion coward, the only stor for people who hate shopping and feel lost and scared, with clothes that suggest the general idea of a person. So many shirts are almost normal, but then they go like this. [Kate wearing a simle shirt with a knot at the bottom] We keep it safe with things like brown sweater, navy shirt, pants for the legs and one black dress that says keep it moving.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim from exclusive fashion commercial]

Ego Nwodim: My style tells a story.

[Cut to Emma in the simple clothing store]

Emma Stone: Same. My story is I’m a stranger to myself.

Aidy Bryant: I go in cruises with my parents.

Kate McKinnon: Ideal juror.

Narrator: Can’t decide between buttons and no buttons? We split the diff with a whole lot of this. [Cut to clips of shirts with half trail buttons] That’s a half trail of buttons that say – Bail! Bail, bail, bail. And you got to try on our big gray zip-up sweatshirt [Cut to clips of oversized hoodies] that doubles as a real life invisibility cloak. Try it on in our coward proof fitting room. As a child, you were humiliated in a Kohl’s fitting room where your mother said something so harmful, is seared off the top layer of your brain. You’re safe here with things like far mirrors.

[Cut to Kate checking her clothes on a mirror that’s pretty far]

Kate McKinnon: That’ll do.

Narrator: If an item of clothing makes you ask, am I this person?

Aidy Bryant: Maybe for like a rooftop party?

Narrator: It will immediately burst into flames. [The dress burns itself] Decisions are hard. That’s why if you take more than seconds to decide if you want something, the fitting room emits a mercy gas that knocks you out. [Kate faints] Then you’re carried home by a big strong man who shops for you. [Big strong man carrying Kate on his shoulder and choosing clothes for her] And we don’t sell swimsuits. You know why. [Cut to Kate, Aidy and Emma. They are very happy] Fashion coward.