The View: Jenny McCarthy on Vaccines – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Whoopi Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joy Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Megan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Jenny McCarthy… Emma Stone

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Let’s get ready to rumble.

[Cut to everybody in The View set]

Whoopi Goldberg: Hello, hello, hello. This is The View. [Cut to Whoopi] I’m Whoopi Goldberg and I’m as surprised as you that this show is a fit for me. Later we’ll be talking toes, why so nasty? But up first, today’s hot topics, President Trump tweeted that he is considering dumping illegal immigrants into sanctuary cities. Are these the type of policies we can look forward to now that Kirstjen Nielsen is out? [Cut to Whoopi and Abby] Abby Huntsman, we’ll start with you.

Abby Huntsman: [Cut to Abby] You want to start with me? Okay. Homeland Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will always be known as the lady who puts kids in cages. And as a human mother, I don’t like that. But as a conservative daughter, I got to ask, why are we ignoring the weird ‘J’ in Kirstjen’s name? And what else is she hiding? Oops! Did I talk too long, Whoopi?

[Cut to Whoopi and Abby]

Whoopi Goldberg: You did good. You did good, baby.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Is it my turn? Oh, yeah. Hot tick alert. I don’t like Trump. Trump, Trump, what a chump. Trump, Trump, what a dump. Okay, look, it’s my 2000th show. At this point I get paid by the word.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Mr. Trump, what are you doing to families at the border? It is shameful. It is nasty. It is broccoli in the microwave. I don’t like it. I don’t want to see it because it is shameful. It is nasty. It is—oh, no. I got stuck in a loop. Sorry.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can I just say something as the princess of Arizona? There is a crisis at the border, and the border is right up in my Arizona, which was founded on sunburnt women selling turquoise jewelry, not rando Mexicans. And that’s not racist because my make up artist is gay.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Okay. This is the problem, you’re demonizing entire countries full of nice people.

[Cut to Joy and Megan]

Megan McCain: Okay, I did not say that.

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me talk?

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me talk because it’s actually your job to listen to me.

[Cut to Joy. She is angry. The lights are focused on her][Dramatic music plays] [Cut to Megal peeking at her] [Cut to Abby looking at them with a pack of popcorn] [Cut to Ana taking a video of them with her cell phone] [Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, okay. Okay, stop it. [Cut to everybody] We not going to do this. This is the ‘The View’. We are five best friends with nothing in common.

Abby Huntsman: Okay. We need to reset. Everybody close your eyes. Now open them. Paul Rudd is 50. What?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: If Paul Rudd’s 50, I’m dead.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Paul Rudd looks so young because he’s a good person. This is Paul Rudd at 50. [Cut to a picture of Paul Rudd] [Cut to Ana] And this is Steven Miller as a baby. [cut to picture of a baby body with Steven Miller’s face] [Cut to Ana] He will eat you from the inside.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Absolutely.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Our guest today is the vixen of anti-vax. Please welcome former ‘View’ co-host Jenny McCarthy.

[Cut to Jenny entering the stage from a door][Music playing]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, my god. [Jenny sits on her chair] [Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Welcome back, Jenny.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, it’s good to be back, Whoop. Do you still do that thing where you kick each other under the table?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: No.

Jenny McCarthy: Ow. [Looks at Joy] [Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: So, Jenny, you’ve been at the forefront of the anti-vaccination movement for years. But what was the tea on the mast singer? Did you know that the pineapple was Tommy Chong?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: No. I actually thought it was Barack Obama.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Ana Navarro: Okay. Back to the anti-vax thing.

Jenny McCarthy: Yes. [Cut to Jenny] I don’t believe in vaccinations. My doctor is Google. My science is twitter, and my religion is Donny Wahlberg.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Megan McCain: Amen, sister.

Jenny McCarthy: I mean [Cut to Jenny] these vaccinations are so unnecessary like the polio vaccine. How many people do you know with polio?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: None, because we get vaccinated.

Jenny McCarthy: And that’s your opinion.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: But what about the measles outbreak? I mean you have to vaccinate your kids.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Well, I think reddit would disagree, and that’s why I’m organizing a rally against measles with all the people who aren’t vaccinated, hundreds of us in a big group, marching down the center of the city.

[Cut to Whoopi acting concerned]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay. When exactly is that?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: That’s the weekend.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: I will be out of town.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: But what the left fails to understand is that vaccinations are a personal liberty issue.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Great, let them go extinct.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can you let me talk?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can I punch you in the face?

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: No, no, no. We’ll be back. This is The View. No.

[Ends with an outro]

Dorm Room Posters – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Pete Davidson

Percocet… Mikey Day

Black Puma… Kenan Thompson

Jaguar… Ego Nwodim

Krissy Knox… Emma Stone

Mad Dog Dugan… Beck Bennett

Brandy Knox… Emma Stone

[Starts with Pete stressing over his essay in his room. He has few posters on his wall.]

Pete: This is impossible. I can’t write a six page essay about the revolutionary war. But if I don’t pass this class, I’m going to get kicked out of the school. Wish history weren’t so boring.

[Percocet from one of his posters calls Pete out]

Percocet: Yo, wake up, homey.

Pete: What the— Wow, Percocet? How are you talking? You’re a poster.

Percocet: Yah, coz you dreaming brah. [Cut to Percocet] But you also tripping saying no one cares about history. Yo, you know my song, atomic ass. The part that’s like, “Baby, put the ass on me, drop it like a Nagasaki“, that’s a historical reference, brah.

[Cut to Percocet and Pete]

Pete: Whoa, my favorite rapper, like, cares about history.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar talking from the poster]

Black Puma: So do your favorite superheroes.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Black Puma and Jaguar. You care about history too?

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Jaguar: Oh, yes. History is very important.

Black Puma: As I say in our blockbuster movie, to know the past is to see the future.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Are you guys saying that like history actually matters?

[Cut to Pete and Krissy Knox. Krissy Knox is talking from the poster]

Krissy Knox: Hell yeah.

Pete: Oh, Krissy Knox. You’re one of maxim magazines 50 hottest girls from rural areas. You like history as well?

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: Yeah.

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan talking from the poster]

Mad Dog Dugan: And so does WME superstar Mad Dog Dugan. My whole story line for wrestle fest 17 came straight from the Iliad.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Wow, so history, like, influences wrestling.

[Cut to Percocet]

Percocet: Um-hmm. And music.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: And movies.

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: And my long fat garden hose that I’m drinking from like a dumb, silly doggy.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: Hey, Krissy, please. Less about your hose and more about history. This boy must pass his class.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah, for real. When I read about the American Revolution, I get so bored. How am I supposed to write an essay I care nothing about?

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: It’s all in how you look at it, brother. For instance, when my former tag team partner, Peter Party Hardy, betrayed me at super slam nine. That’s exactly what Benedict Arnold did to George Washington.

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: Or when I bent down and picked up this wet, squeaky garden hose and drank from it with my dirty, thirsty mouth, that’s math.

[Cut to Percocet, Pete and Krissy Knox]

Percocet: Yo, it’s not math. It’s history.

Krissy Knox: Right. And history is just yesterday’s tomorrow.

Pete: Isn’t that just today?

Krissy Knox: Oh, hell yeah.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: Krissy, no more of this.

Jaguar: Brother, let me go over there, slap this foolish girl.

Black Puma: No, no, sister. That is not the way of the Puma. Krissy, do not lead his mind down the porno path. Do you have anything in mind that can help this boy pass his class?

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: Look at my dumb old belly button.

[Cut to Percocet, Pete and Krissy Knox]

Pete: Yeah, I like it.

Percocet: Knock that noise off, yo.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: Young man, just take that poster down. You will never learn with her around.

[Cut to Pete and Krissy Knox]

Pete: Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, Krissy, but I need to focus on this paper.

[Pete walks to Krissy Knox poster and tears it down. There’s another picture of a girl that looks just like her] [Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: What the hell? You have another poster of this Knox lady?

[Cut to Pete standing in front of that poster]

Pete: Oh no, that’s Brandy Knox. Krissy’s Twin sister. I don’t like her as much. [Pete takes his seat]  Anyway, we got to talk about this essay. Like what am I going to write about?

[Cut to Percocet]

Percocet: All right, so check it, yo. You got to find the reasons why American Revolution happened. You feel me? Yo, you heard my song, Bitch Na featuring Dj Fat Ass, right? It’s like the colonists with Britain. The war was them saying, “Bitch, nah, that ass ain’t worth it”.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, I get it because Americans wanted to control their own destiny.

[Cut to Brandy and Pete. Brandy is dancing with a burger on one hand and beer on the other]

Brandy Knox: Hell yeah.

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: Perfect. Anyway, that’s your thesis broheim.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: What’s a thesis?

[Cut to Brandy]

Brandy Knox: Thesis. This is my fat greasy burger. And this is my hugs, stupid beer. Thesis.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Jaguar: Shut up about your stupid burger and your beer. We are close.

Black Puma: Boy, listen to me. That thesis is your opening argument.

[Cut to Brandy and Pete]

Pete: Okay. That’s like one sentence. What’s the rest?

Brandy Knox: What’s more?

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: Oh, my god. The rest of the essay is proving your thesis. That’s the body.

[Cut to Brandy]

Brandy Knox: Yeah, my body is going to feel nasty after I scarf that fat, mushy, stinky burger and wash it down with this frosty dumb ass beer.

[Cut to Percocet and Pete]

Percocet: Stop, y’all. This kid’s going to fail.

Pete: Not a chance. My days are getting ’F’s are in the past.

[Cut to everybody]

Percocet: Oh, in the past. Yo, I think you mean those days are history.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Well, thanks everyone, now I’m going to wake up and write an A+ history paper.

[Cut to Brandy]

Brandy Knox: Oh yeah!

[Cut to an essay graded F with “See me” written on it]

Royal Baby Video – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

Prince Charles… Beck Bennett

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Kate Middleton… Cecily Strong

21 Savage… Chris Redd

James Corden… Aidy Bryant

Tinsley Granger… Emma Stone

Ringo Starr… Pete Davidson

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Queen Elizabeth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of The Duke and Duchess’ Estate] [Cut to Prince Harry vlogging in a his baby shower]

Prince Harry: What’s up? It’s your boy Prince Harry, a.k.a. the Ginger of Windsor, a.k.a. Redhead Redemption 2. I am making this video for you, my future child, to watch when you’re older. We’re going to do a private birth for you, keeping it low-key. But we are having a big baby shower, and I wanted you to come out and see all the people who came to celebrate you. So come on, let’s take a lap. Come on. [Prince Harry walks to his dad Prince Charles] Oh, here we go. Come on. Your grandpa, Prince Charles, right? Say hello, Dad.

Prince Charles: Hello.

Prince Harry: Do you want to say anything to your future grandchild?

Prince Charles: Yes, hello.

Prince Harry: All right. Well said, dad. The people’s prince. [Prince Harry walks away] All right. Who else have we got? Oh, no, there’s James Corden. He’s been at a ten since he got here. [James Corden is dancing and singing] Yeah, yeah. Don’t let him see the camera. He’ll be on us all night, all right? We’re going to meet my brother, your uncle William. Now, I told him it was an ‘80s costume party. He bought it. Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Mercury. [Prince William is dressed up like Freddie Mercury] Freddie Mercury. You did it. You brought a mic stand.

Prince William: Yes. Don’t I look a pratt. Good evening, my brother. What a fool?

Prince Harry: Oh, he’s mad. Luckily anger is like your hair. Easy come—easy go.

Prince William: Bravo.

Prince Harry: So you brought a gift there.

Prince William: I did, yes. [Prince William shows a baby clothes] A hilarious onesie.  “Keep calm and change my nappy.”

[Kate Middleton joins them]

Kate Middleton: All right. William, darling, tell him about the other gift.

Prince William: Oh, right. Also we bought the baby a house.

Prince Harry: Oh, you shouldn’t have.

Prince William: I’ll go get the keys. He’s going to love it. It’s huge.

[Prince William leaves]

Prince Harry: Here she is, your aunt Kate Middleton. The papers keep saying she’s feuding with your mum, but that’s not true.

Kate Middleton: No, we’re not feuding. Why? Why would we? Because I follow all the strict rules and she doesn’t, and people love her for it? I love that. Excuse me.

[Kate Middleton leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. Look who it is fresh off being deported from the US, [Prince Harry runs into 21 Savage] 21 Savage. How different is England from Atlanta, mate?

21 Savage: A lot.

Prince Harry: All right. Still pretty cool though, right?

21 Savage: Nah.

[21 Savage leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. It will grow on you, mate. Oh, James Corden, James Corden. Duck, duck.

[Prince Harry and camera man are hiding. James Corden is looking for them.]

James Corden: Oh, I saw a camera somewhere.

Prince Harry: Picked up the scent. [James Corden is gone] All right. Come on, come on. All right. Look who it is. [Prince Harry runs into Tinsley Granger. She is having champagne. She is a bit drunk] It’s one of my ex-girlfriends, excellent. Ms. Tinsley Granger Gash. Hi Tins. You want to say something to my future child?

Tinsley Granger: Oh! [Tinsley Granger speaks very close to the camera] Hello, little baby. Hello lonely tiny baby.

Prince Harry: A little close, Tins. [Prince Harry pulls Tinsley backwards]

Tinsley Granger: Your dad broke up with me on Whatsapp.

Prince Harry: Okay. So how have you been, Tins?

Tinsley Granger: Splendid, Harry. Splendid. I’m so busy and happy. I’m glad we didn’t make it, Harry. I don’t want to be a duchess and live in a huge house for free. Hi, little baby.

Prince Harry: Maybe ease off the champagne a little bit there.

Tinsley Granger: Kiss me on the mouth, Harry. I’m joking. Do it, though. I’m joking. I’m dating someone anyway. He was in ‘Harry Potter’.

Prince Harry: Oh, who did he play?

Tinsley Granger: Hagrid.

Prince Harry: I’m sorry, what?

Tinsley Granger: [In loud voice] Hagrid.

Prince Harry: Oh, Hagrid, awesome. He’s great. All right, fantastic. Better be off. Thank you Tins.

Tinsley Granger: Bye little baby.

[Prince Harry walks away from Tinsley Granger]

Prince Harry: Stop talking to my future child. Beatle alert, Ringo Starr.

[Ringo Starr passes by the camera]

Ringo Starr: Peace and love.

Prince Harry: All right. I kind of wish it was Paul, but anyway, let’s keep moving. Looking for James Corden. Do not see him, so come on.

[Prince Harry runs into Charlie]

Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, Harry, my man. How is it going? Nice to finally meet you. I’m Charlie. I’m a friend of Meghan’s mom.

Prince Harry: All right. Hey, anything to say to my future child?

Charlie: Oh, sure, sure. How is it going there? There’s a chance that you’re going to come out with usual mama’s skin on the bottom and your daddy’s bright red hair on the top. Yeah, that’s right. You might be black ginger. That’s right. And that’s amazing. You’re going to be like a unicorn. It’s going to be you and Blake Griffin. All right. Stay in school and study hard. Actually, that won’t matter for you. You’re rich and famous. You already hit the lottery. All right. I’ll see you later, kid. Charlie out.

[Charlie leaves]

Prince Harry: All right, that was fun. Let’s go look at your gifts. [Prince Harry opens the door and goes inside the room full of gifts] Look at all these gifts. We’re going to donate most of these. [Prince Harry runs into Ego Nwodim] Oh, I’m sorry.

Ego Nwodim: Sorry. I’m Meghan’s cousin. I needed a breather. It’s real British in there. There was a guy wearing a tux eating a sandwich that was just mayonnaise. That’s maximum British.

Prince Harry: It is, yeah.

Ego Nwodim: Anyway, I’ll get out of here.

[Ego Nwodim leaves]

Prince Harry: Yeah, it’s fine. It’s fine. Sorry. All right. We’re going to donate –

[Sound coming from the pile of gifts]

Queen Elizabeth: Help me.

Prince Harry: Oh, someone’s trapped under the gifts. [Prince Harry finds Queen Elizabeth on the floor] Oh, my god, it’s grandma. Grandma, you’re on the floor. What’s going on?

[Prince Charles comes in]

Prince Charles: What happened? Am I king?

Prince Harry: No. Dad, she’s fine.

Prince Charles: Oh, well, good. [Prince Charles leaves]

Prince Harry: Grandma, what happened?

Queen Elizabeth: I was snooping trying to see what the Clooneys got you when an avalanche of boxes hit me.

Prince Harry: Be careful. You want to say hello to your future grandchild?

Queen Elizabeth: Well, hello. Welcome to the family. I already love you with all my heart.

Prince Harry: Oh, grandma.

Queen Elizabeth: Even though you’re half American, which means you’re half traitor.

[Queen Elizabeth leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. Thank you, gran. All right. Last stop, [Prince Harry walks to another door] your mom was taking a little nap in here. So let’s see if she’s awake. She’s absolutely gorgeous. Let’s go see your mom, come on. [ Prince Harry opens the door] Meghan love, are you—[James Corden shows up inside the door]

James Corden: Ha-ha.

Prince Harry: Oh no. James Corden

James Corden: I knew it.

Prince Harry:James Corden. Cut it! Cut it!

[The video cuts]

Ladies Room – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Emma Stone

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in a room. The music is playing.]

Ego Nwodim: Oh-oh.

Cecily Strong: I had to leave my one bedroom, two bath rental to come to this?

Leslie Jones: Sorry, girl, but you had to get here.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. These women have their hands all over your man.

Cecily Strong: Ooh, I cannot hear this today. This makes me much, much, crazy insane. And girlfriend, you know I’m already most of the way there.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. Didn’t your psychiatrist say he wouldn’t take your money anymore?

Cecily Strong: Listen girls, I’m not going to stoop to the level of a J-A-W. Jackass woman. Because things might get crazilus.

Leslie Jones: Crazilus? Did you mean to say that?

Cecily Strong: No. Let’s go somewhere where we can talk in private.

[Cecily, Emma and Leslie start dancing and moving]

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: You do not need this.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: He owes you everything.

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: He was gay before he met you.

Everybody: We’ll be back pretty soon

Emma Stone: He has his green card because of you.

[A band comes in the room]

Everybody: Oh, oh, oh, oh

Emma Stone: It’s your brother and his electric dancing chair.

Everybody: I don’t know but I think there’s something up with your man
Something up with your man
cause he’s out there bragging that he just bought a purple
That’s his mama’s car.

I’m going to meet you in the ladies room.

Cecily Strong: These women just keep pushing me.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: But you’re mad at him too, right?

Everybody: I’m going to meet you in the ladies room

Cecily Strong: No, just those nasty, nasty women

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Leslie Jones: I think your anger is misplaced

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

We’ll be back real soon.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey! [Music stops] What the hell is going on in here?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: We’re all dancing in the ladies room.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Shut up.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Her man has been giving her headaches, so we’re discussing it in the ladies room.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily Strong: But I’m not mad at him. Just those CHWs, those chicken-headed women.

[Cut to the women]

Ego Nwodim: So get out of here, sir. This is a ladies restroom.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: This is not a restroom.

[Cut to the women]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yes, it is. It’s the ladies room at club Vortex.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: No, it is not. This is a fitting room at Limited Express.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Then why did I go to the bathroom in there?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Why did you what? [Kenan runs to the door and looks in there] Oh, my – this is a mess all over this room. Didn’t you see there wasn’t no toilet in there? Huh? This is a fitting room. There is so much mess. How many of y’all went?

[Cut to the women. They all raise their hands.]

Leslie Jones: I went five times because I drank two boxes of wine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: What is wrong with you people? This is Limited Express. Why don’t you know that?

[Cut to the women]

Cecily Strong: Since when it is a Limited Express and not club Vortex anymore?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Since Christmas. It was in the paper. They got shut down for serving tainted burger meat.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Who keeps up with all that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: There wasn’t no toilet in the room.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: I wondered why I was going in front of a three-way mirror. What kind of ladies room is that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Again, this is not a ladies room. And what is your deal anyway, man? You’re not even a lady.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: No. I’m eye candy. Plus this is my chair that I own.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Get out before I call the police. Man, I got to clean this whole thing up before 6 AM.

[Cut to everybody] [Music starts playing, everyone is leaving while dancing]

Everybody: We’re gonna meet you in the ladies room.

Kenan Thompson: You are kidding me. Every single stall?

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Kenan Thompson: No, you won’t. You are banned.

Leslie Jones: I have to pee before I leave.

Chalmers Reserve Event Wine – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Fred Chalmers… Kenan Thompson

Leezan Chalmers… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Emma Stone

[Starts with an intro video] [Cut to Fred and Leezan in their set. They have wine bottle in front of them, and wine glasses in their hands.]

Fred Chalmers: Hi, I’m Fred Chalmers.

Leezan Chalmers: And I’m Leezan Chalmers. You may recognize us from our reality show ‘The Nastiest Summer Renters In Sag Harbor’.

Fred Chalmers: It’s the show that won spectrum cable’s award for unhappiest group.

Leezan Chalmers: It’s been canceled already.

Fred Chalmers: Unlike our brand new wine, Chalmer’s reserve event wine. An affordable wine that, unlike our show, won’t receive any complaints.

Leezan Chalmers: Because  Chalmer’s reserve is 72% golden grain alcohol.

Fred Chalmers: After the first sip, guests will be like, “This can’t be right. I must have misstated this.”

Leezan Chalmers: By the second sip, they won’t know a great wine from leftover hotdog water.

Fred Chalmers: They’ll be more concerned about, “How did I get in the pool?” Or, “Why am I being chased in this wig?”

Leezan Chalmers: And, hey, it may even usher in your first lesbian experience.

Fred Chalmers: That goes for the men as well.

Leezan Chalmers: Let out winemakers tell you how we’re able to make such a wonderful wine for under $1 a bottle.

[Kyle and Emma join them]

Kyle Mooney: The process is what we call [Cut to Kyle and Emma] “Vino Kativo Sapore”.

[Kyle and Emma are speaking in horrible Italian accent]

Emma Stone: This means the wine is made from the grapes that didn’t make the cut for the better wine.

Kyle Mooney: The ones that I got to pull off the conveyor belt because they were flat on one side or had a mole on the top.

Emma Stone: We also use the twigs and the trash that were sorted away from the premium grapes.

Kyle Mooney: And of course the distilled yellow corn.

Emma Stone: It’s the corn that covers up the taste of the grape.

Kyle Mooney: Because the grape, it’s no good.

[Cut to Fred and Leezan]

Leezan Chalmers: Thank you.

Fred Chalmers: Go back to the motel now.

[Cut to Kyle and Emma]

Emma Stone: I ask them, “Is this like a wine for dogs or something?” They laugh, and they say, “Ha-ha, kinda.”

[Cut to Fred and Leezan]

Fred Chalmers: You’re overwhelming them with the details.

Leezan Chalmers: It was fun learning about the process from you to, so bye.

[Cut to Kyle and Emma]

Emma Stone: Also, this is the only wine you got to put in a tooth guard before you drink it because it stains your teeth, and it don’t ever come out.

Kyle Mooney: Because we’ve got to use the dye. The grapes for this wine aren’t even red.

Emma Stone: Before color, the wine is brown.

Kyle Mooney: That is why we think it is for the dog because it smells like the chicken bone too.

[Cut to Fred and Leezan]

Fred Chalmers: Hey, man, don’t be giving away our secrets.

Leezan Chalmers: I think we all understand how the wine is made now. Please go.

[Cut to Kyle and Emma]

Emma Stone: We are not proud of this wine.

Kyle Mooney: We go to hell maybe for making this wine.

Emma Stone: We’re not even Italian.

Kyle Mooney: We sign a contract say we got to talk like this for a year.

Emma Stone: And our Italian accents are no good.

[Cut to everybody]

Leezan Chalmers: Please leave. You’re done.

Emma Stone: You still owe us a half.

Leezan Chalmers: Keep checking your mailbox, dummy!

Fred Chalmers: Yes, you two can take your whole world Charmin and get on the loser train.

Emma Stone: You haven’t heard the last of us.

[Kyle and Emma leave]

Leezan Chalmers: Whoa, baby, you told their Italian asses off.

Fred Chalmers: Damn right.

[Fred takes a sip of wine]

Leezan Chalmers: Fred, good lord, no! [Fred spits it out behind Leezan. Something burns from the wine so there is fire behind Leezan.] I think my hair is on fire.

[Emm and Kyle join them again]

Emma Stone: Your chickens have come home to roost.

Leezan Chalmers: Get out of here Italian bitch!

Kyle Mooney: What about me?

Fred Chalmers: You are beautiful woman, and so am I. [Fred starts to touch Kyle]

Leezan Chalmers: Oh, god! He’s already there. It just touched his tongue.

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Chalmers reserve event wine. Mmm-mmm.

The Actress – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Emma Stone

Director … Beck Bennett

[Starts with Emma driving to her work]

Narration: I’ve been trying to make it as an actress for years, but I was sick of doing commercials of playing one dimensional women with vacant lives. Then one day, life came knocking. This time with the challenge.

[Cut to shooting set]

Emma Stone: Excuse me. Hello. I’m grace. Are you the director of the film?

[Cut to the director]

Director: What?

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I’m the lead actress. I play the woman who gets cheated on the gay porn.

[Cut to the director]

Director: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I wanted to ask you about my line if you have a moment. I open the door, and I say, “Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.” Like that?

[Cut to a young boy working out behind the director] [Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Is that my god son?

[Cut to the director]

Director: Yeah.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Fascinating.

[Cut to the director]

Director: You’ll put on whatever you want from the woman thing. You’ll get your mean voucher after we wrap.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Oh, thank you. [Emma goes to change] Oh, Lube.

Narration: [Emma goes through the woman’s stuff] The director’s method was guidance regarding the character. All I had were clues, pieces, a puzzle of the woman’s life. Two pairs of loose sweat pants, a single ugg boot, a couple of batteries and some happy 2017 glasses. Who are you, Deirdre? That’s the name I gave her. [Cut to the director talking to other actors] The first scene was rough.

Director: Action!

[Emma walks in]

Narration: I was having trouble finding her.

Emma Stone: I’m going to the mall. Perhaps I’ll get some flowers to brighten up the place. The house could use some color, no? If you need me, you can reach me on my cell phone.

[Cut to the director]

Director: Cut. Just say what’s in the script.

[Cut to Emma and the director]

Emma Stone: I was just trying to act as Deirdre.

Director: There’s nothing to her. People are just going to scroll past you so they can get off. She has no past, no future. She exists only to be cheated on. Say what’s on the script.

Emma Stone: Thank you.

Director: Action!

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Jared, I’m getting my nails at the mall. Now teach my godson push-ups right before our wedding, Jared.

Director: Cut. That’s great. [Cut to the director] Nice and flat. On the real stuff . If you don’t want to watch, you can sit on a folding chair just outside. I’ll call you when it’s time for you to catch them in the act.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: When they betray me.

[Cut to Emma sitting at the side of the swimming pool practicing her lines]

Narration: I was riddled.

Emma Stone: Jared, how could you?

Narration: I didn’t know if I would find Deirdre in time.

Emma Stone: Not with my god son. Jared, Jared.

Director: Wife, we’re ready for you.

Narration: And then just when I thought she’d never come to me.

[Emma goes to the set]

Director: Action.

[Cut to Emma]

Narration: She did.

Emma Stone: Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.

[Cut to Emma’s depiction of her character’s past]

Narration: I saw the rich and beautiful back story of this woman. Her childhood, her first job. The night she met Jared.

Crowd: Three, two, one, happy new year!

[Cut to Jared and Deirdre]

Narration: The promises she was told.

Jared: I will love you, a woman, forever.

Narration: Her god son’s 18th birthday.

[Cut to Deirdre and her god son]

Deirdre: I know how much you like batteries.

Narration: And all another times she was blindsided by life.

Deirdre: Jared, someone broke in and stole my left ugg boot. Jared, you have a second cell phone? Jared, why is my god son sleeping over?

Narration: I felt the bruises and scars from the past. I saw what led her here.

[Cut to Deirdre talking to her god son]

Deirdre: You would never hurt me.

Narration: And I saw her in the present walking in on the love of her life with her god son. [Cut to Emma on her shooting set] And then Deirdre took over and said –

Emma Stone: Jared, I forgive you.

Director: Cut. [Cut to the director] We’ll edit that out. Just give her the meal voucher.

[Cut to Emma getting in her car]

Emma Stone: Deirdre, how do I get you out of me? I can’t take you with me. I’m sorry. This is it. Good bye. [Emma puts her hands on steering wheel] Oh, how did I get lube on me?

Emma Stone Four-Timers Monologue – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Emma Stone

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band is playing music]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Stone. [Cheers and applause] [Emma comes in from the door and walks to the stage] [Cheers and applause]

Emma Stone: Thank you, thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. And before we get started, I just wanted to test the sound levels. So, BTS is here! [Cheers and applause] Okay. Are the microphones okay? Everyone’s okay? Okay, good. Okay, good. We’re good to go. Great. SNL has always been such a huge part of my family’s life. My grandpa Donald and my grandma Nene introduced it to my mom and her siblings. And then my mom introduced it to me and we especially loved Gilda Radner, who made us laugh nonstop. And it became a huge dream to even be anywhere near this place and tonight is my fourth time hosting. [Cheers and applause] And my mom and Nene are both here to see it. So, my real family is meeting my SNL family. It’s a really special night. And I know the fifth time is the big one where they pull out all the stops and they induct you into the five-timers club. I have seen some of the cast walking around the whispering like they’re kind of—I don’t know, planning something for my fourth show. I don’t know. I might be wrong. I might be wrong. But I they did, I just hope they don’t go too overboard, you know? Oh, Kenan. Hey, Kate. Get over here.

[Kenan and Kate join Emma on stage]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up? How’s it going?

Emma Stone: Are you guys planning something for me?

Kate McKinnon: Such as?

Emma Stone: Guys, just please promise me you’re not going to sing some special song that you wrote just for me for my fourth show.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, we promise.

Kate McKinnon: Hard promise.

Emma Stone: Because, even though I know you play guitar.

Kate McKinnon: Kind of.

[Emma passes a guitar to Kate]

Emma Stone: Like this one for instance, it’s okay if you didn’t write a song for me. Like that was silly for me to even think something like that. That was silly.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, no. We could—we’ll do – we have a special song.

Kenan Thompson: Yes. Yes, we do. We wrote it and here it is.

Emma Stone: Oh, my god. I asked you not to do this. What?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, nice.

Kate McKinnon: I remember

Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon: When she used to host
And now she’s hosting
Oh, Emma, she hosts
Oh, Emma, she hosts

Kenan Thompson: There you go. Thank you very much.

Emma Stone: That was so sweet. An original song just for me. Thank you. Thank you. But you swear you didn’t get me any like thoughtful presents or anything, right?

[Aidy Bryant joins the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, yes. Yes. It’s actually – it’s – [Cut to Emma and Aidy] yeah. It’s time for the gifts that of course we have planned for you. So, I got you this beautiful silver bracelet.

Emma Stone: Oh, Aidy, I love it. You had it engraved. That’s so sweet. Penicillin allergy. That’s so cool. [Cut to everybody] You guys are amazing. That’s amazing. But don’t have any like special guests here to surprise me or something, do you?

Aidy Bryant: Yes. Yes. We –

Emma Stone: What? We definitely do.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, but you know what? They are very shy.

Kate McKinnon: So you’ll need a blindfold.

Emma Stone: Okay.

[Emma puts on a blindfold] [Kenan bring Melissa to the stage]

Kenan Thompson: Yes, we found someone very cool, folks, who just happened to be in town. This is Owen Wilson.

Melissa Villaseñor: [Mimicking Owen Wilson] Hey, Emma, wow, way to go.

Emma Stone: That’s cool. Hey, Owen.

Kenan Thompson: And this is Ash from pokemon.

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, it’s Ash Ketchum. You’re my favorite pokemon.

Emma Stone: That’s a cartoon.

Kenan Thompson: But we saved the best for last. Oprah.

Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t have an Oprah. You do it.

[Kyle Mooney joins the stage]

Kyle Mooney: [Trying to mimic Oprah] Wow, so many cars born in Chicago.

Emma Stone: Wait. Is this Kyle? [Emma opens her blindfold] Oh, my god. You guys got Kyle? This is officially the best night of my life.

[Chris comes to the stage with a denim jacket with 4 written on it with a marker]

Chris Redd: Don’t forget the four timer jacket.

Emma Stone: Oh, my god. Wow. Thanks guys. Oh, my god. We got a great show. BTS is here. Kyle is here. [Cheers and applause] So, stick around. We’ll be right back. You got Kyle?