Chopped | Season 44 Episode 20

Host… Beck Bennett

Georgina… Leslie Jones

Clair… Melissa Villaseñor

Emma Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

[Starts with intro of Chopped]

Host: Four chefs started out with the goal of wowing our judges using the ingredients in their mastery basket. Now, only two remain, Georgina and Clair. Who will it be?

[Cut Georgina and Clair shaking hands] Georgina: You did some great cooking out there. I think either one of us could win.

[Cut to Clair]

Clair: I think you could win or could win.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: That’s what I just said.

[Cut to the judges and the host]

Host: Judges, those were some really tricky baskets. But after three rounds what do you think?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Clair making her dishes]

Emma Thompson: Well, going back to the appetizer round, Clair really made very great use of those artichoke hearts.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, they were so crispy.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, and she wasn’t thrown by the loose sugar.

Emma Thompson: But she had a harder time with the five-pound horse penis.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Georgina making her dishes]

Georgina had problems too. Her appetizer was supposed to be an artichoke slider.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, but it was actually just a kitten on a hamburger bun.

[Cut to the host]

Host: What did you think of the salad?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the salads]

Alex Moffat: Her salad seemed like an afterthought. And she overdressed it.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, it didn’t need the full tuxedo. Just a tie would have been fine.

Emma Thompson: And Clair seemed to be just pretending to wash her hands.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, she didn’t even touch the water.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s move on to the main course round.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the contestants making their dishes] Alex Moffat: I thought the way Clair incorporated the marshmallow fluff into her steak sauce was really clever.

Aidy Bryant: You know what? But, my steak was raw.

Emma Thompson: Raw like the temperature or raw like it had a mouth and kept using the ‘C’ word?

Aidy Bryant: That one.

Emma Thompson: Okay.

Emma Thompson: I thought Georgina served a really nice plate of food.

Alex Moffat: Well, she served me divorce papers. And now she has half of everything.

[Cut to the host]

Host: But you have full custody of her kid.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to Emma and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: But kid like goat, right?

[Cut to Alex playing with a goat]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s talk about dessert.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Aidy Bryant: You know, Georgina was really determined that she was going to get to that ice cream machine first.

[Cut to video clip of Georgina shooting Clair to get to the machine first]

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Emma Thompson: I just wish she had transformed the candy cigarette. Because she just stuck it in the ice cream.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, along with some real cigarettes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Sounds like you could make a case for either one to be ‘Chopped’ champion.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: But one stood out.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Okay. So, whose dish is on the chopping block? [Cut to Georgina and Clair getting nervous to know about the result]

[The host opens the chopping block. There is a cat in the bun.]

Chef Georgina, you’ve been chopped.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: You know, I’m definitely disappointed and maybe I’m not the ‘Chopped’ champion. But I never signed a release. So, y’all can’t use any of this. Suck it.

[Cut to the host]

Host: And that means chef Clair is the new ‘Chopped’ champion.

Clair: Yes!

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Let me know when the cameras are off. [Alex is trying to eat the cat]

The Perfect Mother | Season 44 Episode 20

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Emma Thompson

[Starts with Heidi Gardner taking care of a baby]

Heidi Gardner: Babe? Babe. Can you just like give me like a minute?

[Mikey Day walks in]

Mikey Day: Julia. Dad. Let’s give mommy and granny a minute. [Heidi hands over the baby to Mikey] Thank you. Yeah, of course.

[Emma brings Heidi a cup of coffee and sits beside her]

Emma Thompson: There you go.

Heidi Gardner: Mom. I don’t know how you did it.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: Did what, honey?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Raised me without going insane. [Cut to Heidi and Emma] I mean, look at me. I’m a mess. But you. You were just like a perfect mother.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: No, I wasn’t.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yes, you were. You were always so calm and sweet with me.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: That’s because every moment was a joy.

[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]

Emma Thompson: Why don’t you fu**ing Sleep!

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I don’t even remember you ever yelling at me.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: How could I yell at this face?

[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]

Emma Thompson: Oh, my god, look what you did to the TV! Did you just put paint all over the TV?

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I just need a break sometimes. Like I’m completely overwhelmed. Did you ever feel like that?

[Cut to the past. A room full of kids are making noise. Emma is carrying a birthday cake. She is exhausted.] [Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: If I did, I don’t remember.

[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a birthday cake.]

Emma Thompson: Happy birth–

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I can barely manage to take a shower every other day. But you were always so put together.

[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a baby with one hand and dragging her garbage with the other hand uncomfortably.] [Emma looks at Cheryl]

Emma Thompson: Enjoying the show, Cheryl?

[Cut to Cheryl]

Cheryl: Hell, no.

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: You were perfect. I mean, even when I was a teenager and you were supposed to hate your mom, you were great. You  never judged me. You never pried.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: Well, it was none of my business.

[Cut to the past. Emma is reading Heidi’s diary.]

Emma Thompson: “I’m a little slut”?

[Cut back to present[

Heidi Gardner: Compared to you, I feel like I’m not good at this.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: You are every bit the mother I was and then some. [Cut to Heidi and Emma]Maybe you feel like this inside, but outside, you come across as so relaxed.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Well, I try not to get worked up about the little stuff.

[Cut to past, Heidi, Mikey and the baby are in the car.]

Heidi Gardner: Why didn’t you pack the goddamn giraffe?

Mikey Day: You said, “Pack a toy!”

Heidi Gardner: I meant a giraffe!

Mikey Day: You said—

Heidi Gardner: Shh. Hey, baby. [Cut to the baby crying at the back seat] [Cut back to the present]

Emma Thompson: It seems like you and Nick still find time to, you know.

Heidi Gardner: Mom. I’ll just say that in the bedroom, [Cut to Heidi and Emma] we are still very much a married couple.

[Cut to past, Heidi and Mikey in the bedroom. Heidi is watching TV and Mikey is busy on his phone.] [Heidi farts]

Heidi Gardner: Sorry.

[Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: You are doing an amazing job. Just remember to Cherish every moment. [Cut to the baby puking over Heidi] Because each day with your child is special.

[Cut to Heidi taking care of the baby’s diaper]

Heidi Gardner: Nick, can you come help me? She blew out her diaper.

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: She has all the way up her back.

Mikey Day: Oh, that’s up to her neck.

[Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: And each day you’ll experience something new and wonderful.

[Cut to Heidi making a phone call]

Heidi Gardner: Dr. Klein, my daughter ate two crayons.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey Day: No, five. She ate five crayons.

Heidi Gardner: I’m sorry, five crayons. Do we need to bring her in?

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: This is exactly what I needed to hear. See? You are a perfect mother.

[Cut to Heidi and Emma hugging]

Emma Thompson: So are you, honey. You have poop in your hair. Oh.

Etiquette Lesson | Season 44 Episode 20

Shante Thomas… Leslie Jones

Vivian Hargrave… Emma Thompson

[Starts with a clip of a castle]

Heidi Gardner: What a pleasant surprise Mr. Thomas. Thank you for joining us.

[Cut to Heidy, Beck and Shante]

Beck Bennett: Tell us how do you know Mrs. Markle, Duchess of Sussex?

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: I’m Meghan’s third cousin, Shante Thomas of the Compton Thomases. Now she me where the baby at.

[Cut to Heidi and Beck]

Heidi Gardner: Yes. Well, about that, you must understand, when attending royal functions, there’s a protocol everyone must follow.

Beck Bennett: And you must be ready. That’s why we’ve brought in miss Vivian Hargrave. She’s our royal Etiquette coach, and she has never failed. Mrs. Hargrave?

[Cut to everybody. Mrs. Hargrave enters the room.]

Vivian Hargrave: How may I be of service?

Heidi Gardner:  This is Mrs. Shante Thomas. She is to attend the royal christening and reception.

Vivian Hargrave: Goodness. Is that so?

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Well, yes. This will be an experiment, won’t it?

Shante Thomas: Experiment?

Vivian Hargrave: Leave us, please.

[Cut to everyone]

Beck Bennett: As you wish.

[Heidi and Beck leave the room]

Vivian Hargrave: Now then, miss Thomas, have you ever attended high tea?

Shante Thomas: No. But I’ve had tea while I’m high.

Vivian Hargrave: Indeed. Do take a seat. Very well. Back straight, please. Legs together. Napkin folded in half with the crease toward you. Now, do you know the proper way to stir the tea?

[Cut to Shante. She carries a cup of tea and swirls the spoon in it]

Shante Thomas: Yeah. You just, you know, swirl it around like this.

Vivian Hargrave: Yes. [Cut to Vivian and Shante] Well, that’s perfect if you’re entertaining a bunch of howling Dobermans. But that’s not how it’s done here. You see, round and round is a dreadful show. Back and forth is how we go. From six to twelve and back again, back and forth, to stay within. Repeat after me. [Cut to Vivian swirling the teaspoon and singing]

Back and forth

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: Back and forth

[Cut to Vivian] Vivian Hargrave: Six to twelve

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: Six to twelve

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Vivian Hargrave: Now stop.

[Shante is still stirring the tea. Vivian slaps the cup out of Shante’s hands and breaks it.]

I said back and forth. Understood?

Shante Thomas: I know you didn’t just smack that out of my hand.

[Cut to Vivian]

Vivian Hargrave: Well, I did indeed and I’ll gladly do it again if you don’t get it right. You do want to attend the Christening, don’t you?

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Shante Thomas: Yes, but—

Vivian Hargrave: Well, very well. Let’s try again.

[Cut to Vivian][Music stars playing.]

Vivian Hargrave: Back and forth

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: Back and forth

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Vivian Hargrave: Very good. Six to twelve

Shante Thomas: Six to twelve

Vivian Hargrave: May I see that? Don’t you put that spoon in your mouth. [Vivian slaps Shante on her cheek]Did youish—

Shante Thomas: Oh! What is wrong with you?

[Cut to Vivian]

Vivian Hargrave: I’m terribly sorry, but this is a royal event. We simply must get this right.

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Shante Thomas: Am I bleeding? Lady, if you smack me one more time—

Vivian Hargrave: What? You’ll do what?

Shante Thomas: I ain’t going to do nothing.

Vivian Hargrave: Excellent. Now let’s move on to scones. Scones are an afternoon tea tradition going back generations. Now, then. Here we are. Please separate your scone into two halves. Separate after me and repeat.

[Music starts playing]

From one to two

Shante Thomas: I don’t want to sing.

Vivian Hargrave: One to two

Shante Thomas: [Getting a knife from he table] One to two 

Vivian Hargrave: Don’t even think about using a knife! [Vivian smacks Shante on her face]

Shante Thomas: You crazy crazy! I don’t even like scones.

Vivian Hargrave: Oh, I see. [Vivian walks behind Shante and starts chocking her]

Shante Thomas: Wait a minute.

Vivian Hargrave: You don’t like scones? Perhaps you prefer to sleep then.

Shante Thomas: I don’t want to sleep.

Shante Thomas: I’ll drink the tea.

[Heidi and Beck walk in]

Beck Bennett: Is everything all right?

Heidi Gardner: We heard noises.

Vivian Hargrave: Yes. Everything going swimmingly. Isn’t it, miss Thomas?

Shante Thomas: Oh, she’s so good. She’s so good. We’re cool.

Heidi Gardner: Wonderful.

Beck Bennett: Lovely.

[Heidi and Beck leave the room again]

Vivian Hargrave: Very well. Let’s move on to the clotted cream.

Shante Thomas: Clotted cream? [Shante carries the plate and takes a look at it.] This look real nasty.

Vivian Hargrave: Perhaps you should try it. [Vivian smashes Shante’s face to the cream] This is the house of Windsor. [Vivian carries a chair and hits Shante with it] Do you understand?

Narrator: In the end Vivian Hargrave triumphed. Shante Thomas attended the christening of the royal baby and she was a model of decorum.

Judge Court | Season 44 Episode 20

Judge Marlene Wett… Aidy Bryant

Judge Christina Miami… Emma Thompson

Judge Linda Christina… Kate McKinnon

Nick Jonas

Joe Jonas

Kevin Jonas

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: When people do wrong—

Judge Marlene Wett: You’re wrong!

Narrator: You need someone you can trust.

Judge Christina Miami: Oh, please.

Narrator: Or how about some three?

Judge Linda Christina: You’re going to jail.

[Cut to all three judges]

Narrator: For people who like judge Judy but wish it was way less complicated, it’s judge court. Hi. Hi. Hello. Welcome to Judge court.

[Cut to running case in the court]

Judge Linda Christina: Yes, Hi. Hello.

Judge Christina Miami: Welcome to Judge Court.

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. What’s your problem? Go ahead.

[Cut to Heidy Gardner]

Heidy Gardner: Okay, I rented an apartment for 8 months in 2016. In that time, I did not have a bathtub. So I’m seeing recompense for the bathtub.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: And I’m saying that’s BS.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Excuse me. Mr. Landlord, how old are you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Um, 30.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is too young.

All the judges: Yes, you’re going to jail. You’re going to jail.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what?

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Judge court. It’s the only courtroom with three judges. Linda Christina. Christina Miami. And Marlene Wet. They tied for last place in their law school class and they’re best friends who have dinner every night.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. Say your issue, please.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: His dog bit me.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: And he was hungry.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Enough. We have a verdict.

Judge Linda Christina:The dog is entitled to an all expenses paid dinner at Buca Di Beppo.

Judge Marlene Wett: That’s right, the dog is going to dinner with us and you are going to jail.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What? Why?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Excuse me. You do not in here to her.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do what?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Listen to me. Listen to me! You see this woman? [All judges pointing each other] This woman. Do you see this woman right here? Do you see her?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, yeah, I see her.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: This woman gave me $10,000 so I could get my painfully shy son a sex pillow for his birthday.

Judge Linda Christina: You see this woman? She dresses me every morning. I fight her the whole way but she does it.

Judge Marlene Wett: You know what? When I was choking on a hard candy, this woman sucked it out through my ass. Okay? It was all—and she was – I was naked of course.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Can I just go to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: When I pee, she wipes.

Judge Christina Miami: When I cry, she screams.

Judge Marlene Wett: And when I need to wake up, she shoots her gun.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Are we still doing my case?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Yeah, yeah, we solved it.

Judge Marlene Wett: Yeah, we release you for your own renaissance.

Judge Christina Miami: Go.

Narrator: Don’t worry. What these ladies lack in understanding of the law, they make up for in catchphrases.

Judge Marlene Wett: Eat dirt.

Judge Christina Miami: Don’t hold my breath.

Judge Linda Christina: Don’t give me boogers and tell me it’s broccoli.

Judge Christina Miami: I think I’m getting off on this.

Judge Marlene Wett: You dumb bitch.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: All right, speak up. If you mumble, you’re going to jail.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Well, these three boys threw a house party in my vacation rental and cost $5 million in damages and now my house is just a burning crater.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re sorry, ma’ams.

Kevin Jonas: We were just boys having fun.

Nick Jonas: But that fun knocked down the house. And that’s not okay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: In your words, what the hell happened?

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: Well, I spilled the snacks.

Kevin Jonas: I brought my skateboard into the living room.

Nick Jonas: And then, I set the house on fire.

Jonas Brothers: We accept the consequences of our horseplay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is it. I cannot take it anymore. You are my sons.

Judge Linda Christina: You’re all our sons.

Judge Christina Miami:God, you are perfect.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re not going to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: No, no. We’re all going to dinner. Where’s that dog? Where’s the dog?

[Ends with an outro]

Judge court. On every day for 100 years.

Actress Scene | Season 44 Episode 20

Reese Dewhat… Kenan Thompson

Anna Maxine-Flint… Barbara… Kate McKinnon

Hatty Smirs … Midge … Emma Thompson

[Starts with Cinema Classic intro]

Narrator: You’re watching cinema classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese Dewhat in his set]

Reese Dewhat: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese Dewhat. And Dewhat’s up, everybody? Tonight we take a look at the 1953 classic ‘Always be sisters’, starring long-time Hollywood rivals [Cut to picture of Anna and Hatty] Anna Maxine-Flint and Hatty Smirs. [Cut to Reese] ‘Always be sisters’ was hailed as a Triumph of cinema by the marketing team and a piece of real-time stinko by everybody else. Perhaps because both actresses had it written into their contract that they would have the last word in every scene. But that would only be a guess, and as has been established, I am a terrible guesser. Just ask my wife, who asked me to guess that she made for dinner, to which I replied, ‘Mistakes’? Worst mother’s day ever. Let’s watch a scene now and see if you can spot the actresses trying to cleverly get the last word in.

[Cut to the movie scene. Barbara is combing her hair.] [The door knocks]

Barbara: Come in.

[Midge walks in the door]

Midge: Hello, Barbara.

[Cut to Barbara stands up]

Barbara: Midge. I’m surprised to see you here. Opening night, no less.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Well, I wanted to see the damn thing before it closed.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Well, thanks for wishing me good luck.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I didn’t.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Oh, Mean. Well, seems like there’s nothing more to be said but good-bye.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Indeed.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Barbara: Agreed.

Midge: Sure.

Barbara: Okey-dokey.

Midge: Yes. And once I leave, it’s the end.

Barbara: Well, [Cut to Barbara] if I didn’t know better I would say you were trying to get the last word in. Which is kind of my thing.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Midge: Guilty.

Barbara: Guilty as they come.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Then I better call my lawyer.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: And your lawyer better call his lawyer.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Too many lawyers. That makes lawyer soup.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Lawyer, lawyer pants on fawyer.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I guess all that can follow that is silence. Good-bye, old friend.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch. Mitch leaves the room in a hurry.]

Barbara: [Barbara spreads her arms and starts singing]

For love conquers all

[Mitch enters the room again]

Midge: I forgot my purse.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: You weren’t carrying a purse.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I forgot my lamp. And cut.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: You can’t call cut. What are you, a director?

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Why, do you want to sleep with me?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Why are you a—

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: All right, you say the last line and we’ll be done with it. I don’t  care. I never cared.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Barbara: Fine.

Midge: Good.

Barbara: Job.

Midge: He–

Barbara: Said–

Midge: To–

Barbara: The–

Midge: Mud hound store.

Barbara: No. That makes no sense.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: That makes about as much sense as you saying the last line. [Cut to Barbara and Mitch] I’m running.

Barbara:  I’m running. I’m running.

[Barbara and Mitch both leave the room] [Both of them enter the room again]

Barbara: Me.

Midge: Me.

Barbara: Me.

Midge: Me.

Barbara: Me.

Midge: I’m talking, foreskin. Tarantula.

Barbara: That’s it. Okay. Fade to black. Credit’s roll. MGM Lion. Roar.

Midge: The end, the end.

[Alex enters the room]

Alex Moffat: Places. Time for places.

[Mitch pushed Alex out of the room]

Midge: Loo,  Barbara. I don’t want to fight anymore. There’s enough sky in the sky for both of our stars to shine. Besides –

Barbara and Midge: We’ll always be sisters.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

[Cut to Reese]

Reese Dewhat: And they were never heard from again. What? That’s not right? Well, who wrote these notes? Tony? What happened to Mitch? Arrested? For what? Well, who did he expose? Oh, his own self. Where? My dressing room? Well, then I need to switch. Why not? Well, she can move for “Cinema Classics”, I have been Reese De’what!

[Ends with outro]


Beauty and the Beast | Season 44 Episode 20

Mrs. Potts… Emma Thompson

Beauty… Cecily Strong

Beast… Beck Bennett

Dumbbell…Kyle Mooney

Swing Weight… Kenan Thompson

Barbell… Melissa Villaseñor

Chafe… Pete Davidson

Shake weight… Mikey Day

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: We now return to live action ‘Beauty and the Beast’, exclusively on the Disney channel and Growl, the hookup site for gay bears.

[Cut to a scene from Beauty and the Beast dancing and Mrs. Potts is singing.]

Mrs. Potts: Tale as old as time

true as it can be

barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast holding hands and dancing slowly.]

Beauty: Just a little change

small to say the least

Beast: Both a little scared neither one prepared

[Cut to Beauty, Beast and Mrs. Potts]

Everybody: Beauty and the beast

Beast: Thank you, Mrs. Potts.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, it’s no trouble. I’m just happy to see you two growing closer.

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast]

Beauty: He’s not quite the beast I thought he was.

Beast: And you’re not too bad yourself. Listen, I’m going to hit the gym. You want to meet up for dinner later?

Beauty: Oh, you go to the gym?

Beast: Yeah. Yeah. I put a gym in the basement. Why do you think I’m so jacked?

Beauty: Because you’re a beast.

Beast: Have you ever seen a buffalo before? They’re fat as hell. No, babe, I’ve got to hit the gym at least four times a week. Strive for five.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight] Dumbbell: What’s this part of the castle?

[Cut to Everybody]

Beast: Hey, what are you doing? Get out of here.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, you left the gym door unlocked, so we thought we’d come and find you.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god! The equipment in the gym came to life too?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beauty: And you’ve kept them locked in the basement for the past 10 years?

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Has it been 10 years? There are no clocks in the beast’s gym.

Swing weight: Yeah. Just posters of Britney Spears when she was 17.

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: Okay, okay. I think she’s now 18. And those were in the castle before I bought it. I left them up as a joke.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: And you should hear the little affirmations the Beast whispers to himself. “Big boy going to get swole. Papa, got to get that juicy thigh meat.”

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No, no. I never talk about my thigh meat like that. I don’t.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Barbell: Let’s sing the workout song.

[cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: The workout song?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No idea what that is.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Yes, you do. It’s your favorite.

[Music stars playing]

Dumbbell and Swing weight and Barbell: 

I’ll take you to the candy shop

I’ll let you lick the lollipop.

Beast: No, no, no. Stop. [Cut to Beauty and the Beast] Stop that. I’ve never heard that song before. Let me get you guys back downstairs. All right? Might even make the witch’s spell even worse.

[Mrs. Potts joins]

Mrs. Potts: You really are beast. And to think my son looks up to you.

Beauty: Your son chip?

Mrs. Potts: No, my other son, Chafe.

[Chafe joins]

Chafe: Hey, mom. Good to see you, Beast.

Beauty: A cup with fur? Oh, my god. You had sex with Mrs. Potts?

Beast: I was alone in castle for eight years. What the hell was I supposed to do?

Beauty: Not have sex with a magical teapot!

Beast: Yeah, but she’s got that sexy accent.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Mrs. Potts: Wilbur, could you please not do this in front of Chafe?

Chafe: Ah, it’s cool. I’ve seen way worse stuff online. I’ve done the momo challenge like twice.

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: First of all, could we go back to Wilbur? Your real name is Wilbur?

Beast: Oh, yeah. ‘Cause Belle’s super cool, right? What’s your first name? Door?

Beauty: My first name’s Belle, you doofus. God, I can’t believe I fell for my kidnapper again.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight. Shake weight joins them.] Shake weight: Did the evil beast let us out?

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god. What is that?

[Cut to Shake weight and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, he’s a shake weight, isn’t he? The beast bought him eight years ago and he never used him.

Shake weight: Shake weight? Friend?

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: You guys all deserve each other. Good-bye, Wilbur.

[Beauty leaves]

Beast: Yeah? Well, your loss. I’ve still got two days left to break the curse. So I ain’t sweating it.

Mrs. Potts: Oh, that’s not good.

Beast: No, you’re going to be a teapot forever.

[Chafe leaves]

Mrs. Potts: Well, maybe that’s not bad.

[Cut to Swing weight]

Swing weight: Tale as gross as slime

[Cut to Beast and Mrs. Potts holding hands and dancing]

a thing you can’t unsee

Mrs. Potts: Barely even drunk

I brushed against his junk accidentally

[Cut to Everybody]

Barbell: how would they even mate

strange to say the least

Beast: Don goes in the spout

baby cup comes out

teapot and the beast

Continuity Errors | Season 44 Episode 20

Frank Parisi… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Belle… Ego Nwodim

Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Mikey Day

Matthew… Alex Moffat

Marriot… Cecily Strong 

Lady Grantham… Emma Thompson

Pizza guy… Chris Redd

[Start’s with a program’s intro]

[Cut to Frank in his set]

Frank Parisi: Hello. I’m Frank Parisi and welcome to Wait a Second, That Shouldn’t Be There. The show where we look at some of the biggest continuity errors in Hollywood history. You may have seen the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. Where they accidentally included a shot of [Cut to a picture of Game of Thrones’ scene] Daenery’s sitting next to a modern Starbucks cup.

[Cut to Frank]

There has been even more glaring errors over the years that somehow went unnoticed. See if you can spot anything weird in this classic scene from the 2016 remake of “Roots”.

[Cut to a scene from Roots]

Kenan Thompson: You have to understand, Belle, this is just the way things are.

Belle: But it’s not how things have to be. We can change the present. And the future.

[Cut to Kenan. There’s a box of White Castle Crave case behind him] Kenan Thompson: Girl, that kind of thinking is going to get you killed, Belle. You’ve got to let go of them silly dreams.

[Cut to Belle. She is holding a ‘Big Gulo’ smoothie cup in her hand.]

Belle: If we don’t have dreams, then we have nothing. You were the one that taught me that. [Belle slurps the smoothie]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: Did you notice the Slurpee? Somehow the editor did not. And somehow, no one caught these little booboos in 1998. “Shakespeare in love” either.

[Cut to a scene from Shakespeare in love]

Thomas: Well, there’s something I need you to know. Something I’ve kept from you.

[Cut to Mikey. Mikey takes Sun chips out and eats eats.] Mikey Day: What is it, Thomas?

[Cut to Thomas]

Thomas: I’m actually not who I say I am. Would you like to see the real me? [Thomas turns around and opens his shirt]

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: My stars. Thomas is a girl. Me thinks I have an idea for a new play. [Mikey opens his MacBook]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: You might ask how did they miss all those errors? Well, keep in mind, everyone was distracted because just off camera, Harvey Weinstein was masturbating into a plant. Check out this subtle screw-up from season two of ‘Downton Abbey’.

[Cut to a scene from Downton Abbey]

Matthew: Marriot, I want to stay by your side but the great war is upon us.

[Cut to Marriot. She is wearing a dinner napkin.]

Marriot: We’re all at war, Matthew. Not just the men fighting in the trenches.

[Cut to Matthew. He is wearing ‘2017’ goggles.]

Matthew: But I love you, Mary. Don’t you understand? [A woman clears her throat] Oh, lady Grantham, we didn’t hear you come in.

[Cut to lady Grantham. She is wearing a beats headphone.] Lady Grantham: Yes. I can be very quiet. Unlike most people in this house.

[Cut to Matthew]

Matthew: People forgive me, my lady. Is there anything we can help you with?

[Cut to lady Grantham. She is also wearing a soda hat now.]

Lady Grantham: Well, in order to help you’d have to have a modicum of skill, wouldn’t one?

[Pizza delivery guy walks in]

Pizza guy: I’ve got a large mushroom pie for a name Maggie Smith.

Lady Grantham: Just call me Mags. I have a coupon.

Pizza guy: Oh, I’m sorry. That promotion is over. [Pizza guy leaves with the pie]

Lady Grantham: Son of a bitch.

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: I think that pizza guy’s a star. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll look at famous scene from Jurassic Park. There’s something you might have missed. Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Bad Girl Talk Show | Season 44 Episode 20

Tracy… Kate McKinnon

Sherman Cole… Kenan Thompson

Rae Rae… Ego Ngodim

Carla… Cecily Strong

Marcus… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Dr. Jill… Emma Thompson

[Starts with intro music of Tracy]

Tracy: All right. Welcome back to Tracy. [Cut to the host] On today’s show we’re talking millennials gone bad. Our first guest, Sherman Cole says his 17 year old daughter Rae Rae’s out of control.

[Cut to Tracy and Sherman]

Sherman, why don’t you tell us about your daughter?

Sherman Cole: Well, Tracy, [Cut to Sherman] my Rae Rae used to be so sweet. She was a straight-A student. The type of girl that couldn’t get enough of kidz bop.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: She sounds lovely.

[Cut to Sherman]

Sherman Cole: Then suddenly she started skipping class, talking back, cussing at strangers.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Oh, wow. Well, why don’t we get Rae Rae out here to explain her behavior? Rae Rae, come on out.

[Rae Rae walks in] [Audience booing] [There’s a tag in the screen that says ‘Rae Rae, wants to fight Taylor Swift’]

Rae Rae: Whatever! Whatever! Y’all don’t know me. Haters. Hate all you want. You don’t know me. Haters!

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby, please. [Sherman looks at Tracy] You see what I mean? The girl’s out of control.

Rae Rae: Don’t nobody in this audience [Cut to Rae Rae]know who I am or what I’m about. Y’all just mad because y’all booties smell like burnt bacon. You don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Let’s take some questions from the audience.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Hi, Rae Rae. My name’s Carla. I know you say we don’t know you.

[Cut to split screen of Carla at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: ‘Cause you don’t, bitch!

Carla: But something tells me you’re a gal who loves to learn.

Rae Rae: Okay, true.

Carla: But only when you feel you’re being challenged by a teacher or mentor you admire.

Rae Rae: You right.

Carla: Standardized tests aren’t your forte, but you work hard at them and excel.

Rae Rae: Yeah, that’s me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Yes. You know she got a 1450 on her pre SAT.

Rae Rae: Okay. So she knows one little thing about me. That doesn’t mean she knows me. [Cut to Rae Rae] And if I ever met Taylor Swift, I’m beating her ass.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: What’s your problem with Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: She’s the bitch.

[Cut to Tracy] [Audience booing]

Tracy: That’s wickedly insightful.

[Audience booing] [Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Y’all don’t know me. Don’t none of y’all know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Let’s go to the man with the fedora that’s way too small for his head.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Hey. Hi. My name is Marcus. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be you.

[Cut to split screen with Marcus at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: Thank you.

Marcus: But my guess is you’re a lot like me.

Rae Rae: Hell no!

Marcus: You know, the type of person who looks healthy but whose cardiovascular health is in shambles.

Rae Rae: Okay. So, we twins.

Marcus: Like you know exercise is important, but you have a hard time committing to it. And you tried corss-fit and loved it, but you left because it felt too culty.

[Audience clap] [Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: That was pretty on point.

Rae Rae: No, no. Whatever. Whatever. That’s universal. And Marcus? Hey, Marcus? You just mad because your mama’s a hoe.

[Audience boonig]

Sherman Cole: Baby, that is not nice. Now, your mama was kind of a hoe too. These people just trying to help you.

Rae Rae: But they don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Why don’t we hear from the lady with the bedazzled neck brace?

[Cut Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, it’s actually a thick choker. I just want to say this girl clearly loves Beyonce.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Who doesn’t?

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Well, in fairness, everybody loves Beyonce.

Heidi Gardner: But. But, but, but, she identifies more with Michele.

[Cut to split screen with Heidi at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: I do.

Heidi Gardner: Because you know what it’s like to fall and get stepped on over by your friends.

[Rae Rae is going to cry]

Rae Rae: Damn, bitch. You just read me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby girl, I did not know that you was out here struggling like that.

Rae Rae: Whatever, whatever. Everybody’s got a little Michelle in them.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Not me. I’m Beyonce to my core. Obviously we’ve got some deep rooted issues here. Why don’t we bring out our resident psychotherapist? She’s well versed in family conflicts because hers is falling apart. Please welcome Dr. Jill.

[Cut to everybody in stage. Dr. Jill joins them.]

Dr. Jill: Hi, Rae Rae. Full disclosure. I’m not actually a doctor. People just call me that because I play keyboards in a funk band.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t care what this woman has to say. I don’t know her.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: Well, actually you do know me because you swore at me in a Walmart parking lot.

Rae Rae: On Pico?

Dr. Jill: Yeah, that’s the one. I offered to help you with your anger issues. And we had a coffee and we became good friends.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t remember none of that.

[Cut to Dr. Jill.]

Dr. Jill: Yeah. We talked about your dad and how he smothered you.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: I been smothering you? You could have just said something.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill:

We cried together, actually, and you gave me the other half to your locket. Mine says ‘Sisters’.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Okay and mine says ‘For Life’. So? What’s your point?

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: My point is you still need to pay for the damages to my car. And since we’re here with your father I thought maybe—

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Who, Me? No. I don’t know her.

Rae Rae: Yeah, he don’t know me.

Sherman Cole: Yeah, and we don’t know you.

Rae Rae: Yeah, lady, you don’t now us.

Sherman Cole: You don’t know us.

Rae Rae: You don’t know us. She don’t know us.

Sherman Cole: We don’t know you.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Wonderful. Maybe it’s time for a commercial break. And when we return we’ll talk to a woman who says she’s having pizza rat’s baby.

Cut for Time: Twinings Extreme | Season 44 Episode 20

[Starts with a clip of a UK flag] [Cut to a clip of football stadium] [Cut to Alex Moffat playing as a keeper]

Alex: In England, we don’t know when to quit. [Alex couldn’t save the ball] [cut to Emma Thompson]

Emma: We don’t say enough is enough. [Emma misses the tennis shot] [Cut to Mikey Day with a cricket bat] Mikey: In England, it’s all or nothing. [Mikey misses the cricket ball hit]

Announcer: And English athlete needs and English sports drink.

[Cut to Alex drinking sports drink in a tea cup]

Introducing Twinning’s Extreme, tea for sport.

[Cut to Mikey pouring his tea in the changing room]

A brewed hot tea designed for peak performance. Available in 3 lively blends. Engineered to keep Britain’s best at the top of their game. Refuel with the English Breakfast XL.

[Cut to Emma] Emma:  And come out swinging. [Emma hits the tennis ball hard] [Cut to Alex preparing his tea]

Announcer: Replenish with Darjeeling Octane.

[Alex saves the ball from opponent’s goal] [Cut to Mikey with his cricket bat]

Announcer: Recover with with Earl Grey RX.

Mikey: So I can be my best for entire 3 to 5 days of a cricket match.

Emma: It’s ready to serve faster and so am I.

Narrator: And with our portable sport kettle, you’ll never be far from a fresh pot. Simply unscrew the base and light the sterno lamp with the attached flint. When the water in there is boiled, unscrew the cap, drop in the bag of Twinning’s Extreme and wait for it to steep, add the pouch of milk and allow ample time to incorporate. Don’t rush. Some things take time. When the tea and milk are fully blended, pop open the sport cap and  crack on like a champion. Twinning’s Extreme, tea for sport. Cool down with a hot tea.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson being burnt by hot water]

Available wherever sport teas are sold.

Emma Thompson Monologue | Season 44 Episode 20

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Emma Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Thompson!

[Emma Thompson walks in the door and to the stage]

Emma Thompson: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you all so much. I am Emma Thompson. And I am so thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. It’s incredible to be standing here working alongside my beloved husband of 16 years, Kenan Thompson. Thanks, Doll. This is of course the mother’s day show and in fact my daughter is in the audience tonight. To her I’d just like to say sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. A blanket sorry. As she knows, sometimes it can be hard to decipher what our mothers are in fact saying. They do speak in code. So, as a mother myself I’d like to offer a little language lesson, to help you understand what we mean. With some help from other mothers. Do you want to join me, girls?

[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler join Emma Thompson] [Cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hello. We are mothers.

Amy Poehler: Yes. ‘Wine Country’, hello.

Emma Thompson: Hello, then. Welcome to mother speak 101. When you ask your mother what she wants to do for mother’s day and she says–

Tina Fey: “Just to relax in the backyard. Maybe a massage.”

Emma Thompson: What she’s actually asking is—

Amy Poehler: “How does one buy weed?”

Emma Thompson: When your mother sees what you’re wearing and says–

Amy Poehler: “Oh, I like that shirt.”

Emma Thompson: What she’s trying to say is–

Tina Fey: “Oh, I think I bought you that shirt.”

Amy Poehler: When your mom tells you,

Emma Thompson: “You look tired.”

Tina Fey: what she means is–

Emma Thompson: “You look bad.” Now, a mum sometimes needs help expressing herself. When she says, —

Tina Fey: “Can we just not talk about politics?”

Emma Thompson: Shat she actually means is–

Amy Poehler:  “Please doing ruin Joe Biden for me. He’s what I picture.”

Emma Thompson: Mums contain multitudes, when she says–

Amy Poehler: “Son, you know I love you just the way you are.”

Emma Thompson: She is actually saying–

Tina Fey: “I am bored of waiting for you to tell me you’re gay. Just do it so I can buy rainbow stuff.”

Emma Thompson: When she says–

Tina Fey: “I love all my kids the same.”

Emma Thompson: She means–

Amy Poehler: “You sister is winning.”

Tina Fey: This may come as a shock, but your mother has a life outside of you, so when she says–

Emma Thompson: “I’m going to book club tonight.”

Amy Poehler: What she means is,

Emma Thompson: “I’m about to get turned at Linda’s.” She sure is. Sometimes what you mother means varies based on where she’s from. For example, if your mum asks what are you doing for mother’s day and she’s from Philadelphia, she means–

Tina Fey: “You better come down to the shore for mother’s day brunch. Pop-pop’s making Mimosas.”

Emma Thompson: But mothers from Boston could mean–

Amy Poehler: “If your car is not parked in my yard on mother’s day, I’m going to have a freaking heart attack and you can go eat at Wahlburgers.”

Emma Thompson: British mothers are a particular breed of cryptic.

Amy Poehler: When your British mum says–

Emma Thompson: “Splendid!”

Tina Fey: What she means is–

Emma Thompson: “I’m sad. I’m happy. How are you? You embarrass me. I’m crazy. You’re drunk.” Splendid is sort of our Aloha. And finally, when she says–

Amy Poehler: “You are driving me crazy.”

Tina Fey: “Why do you have to be so stubborn?”

Emma Thompson: “I could strangle you.” She means,

Amy Poehler: I love you. Archie and Abel.

Tina Fey: Allison and Penelope, you make me so happy.

Emma Thompson: Gaia and Tindy, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Jonas brothers are here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.