[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Thompson!
[Emma Thompson walks in the door and to the stage]
Emma Thompson: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you all so much. I am Emma Thompson. And I am so thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. It’s incredible to be standing here working alongside my beloved husband of 16 years, Kenan Thompson. Thanks, Doll. This is of course the mother’s day show and in fact my daughter is in the audience tonight. To her I’d just like to say sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. A blanket sorry. As she knows, sometimes it can be hard to decipher what our mothers are in fact saying. They do speak in code. So, as a mother myself I’d like to offer a little language lesson, to help you understand what we mean. With some help from other mothers. Do you want to join me, girls?
[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler join Emma Thompson] [Cheers and applause]
Tina Fey: Hello. We are mothers.
Amy Poehler: Yes. ‘Wine Country’, hello.
Emma Thompson: Hello, then. Welcome to mother speak 101. When you ask your mother what she wants to do for mother’s day and she says–
Tina Fey: “Just to relax in the backyard. Maybe a massage.”
Emma Thompson: What she’s actually asking is—
Amy Poehler: “How does one buy weed?”
Emma Thompson: When your mother sees what you’re wearing and says–
Amy Poehler: “Oh, I like that shirt.”
Emma Thompson: What she’s trying to say is–
Tina Fey: “Oh, I think I bought you that shirt.”
Amy Poehler: When your mom tells you,
Emma Thompson: “You look tired.”
Tina Fey: what she means is–
Emma Thompson: “You look bad.” Now, a mum sometimes needs help expressing herself. When she says, —
Tina Fey: “Can we just not talk about politics?”
Emma Thompson: Shat she actually means is–
Amy Poehler: “Please doing ruin Joe Biden for me. He’s what I picture.”
Emma Thompson: Mums contain multitudes, when she says–
Amy Poehler: “Son, you know I love you just the way you are.”
Emma Thompson: She is actually saying–
Tina Fey: “I am bored of waiting for you to tell me you’re gay. Just do it so I can buy rainbow stuff.”
Emma Thompson: When she says–
Tina Fey: “I love all my kids the same.”
Emma Thompson: She means–
Amy Poehler: “You sister is winning.”
Tina Fey: This may come as a shock, but your mother has a life outside of you, so when she says–
Emma Thompson: “I’m going to book club tonight.”
Amy Poehler: What she means is,
Emma Thompson: “I’m about to get turned at Linda’s.” She sure is. Sometimes what you mother means varies based on where she’s from. For example, if your mum asks what are you doing for mother’s day and she’s from Philadelphia, she means–
Tina Fey: “You better come down to the shore for mother’s day brunch. Pop-pop’s making Mimosas.”
Emma Thompson: But mothers from Boston could mean–
Amy Poehler: “If your car is not parked in my yard on mother’s day, I’m going to have a freaking heart attack and you can go eat at Wahlburgers.”
Emma Thompson: British mothers are a particular breed of cryptic.
Amy Poehler: When your British mum says–
Emma Thompson: “Splendid!”
Tina Fey: What she means is–
Emma Thompson: “I’m sad. I’m happy. How are you? You embarrass me. I’m crazy. You’re drunk.” Splendid is sort of our Aloha. And finally, when she says–
Amy Poehler: “You are driving me crazy.”
Tina Fey: “Why do you have to be so stubborn?”
Emma Thompson: “I could strangle you.” She means,
Amy Poehler: I love you. Archie and Abel.
Tina Fey: Allison and Penelope, you make me so happy.
Emma Thompson: Gaia and Tindy, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Jonas brothers are here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.