Peyton Manning… Miles Teller
Eli Manning… Andrew Dismukes
Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson
Lawyer… Chloe Fineman
Kristi Noem… Heidi Gardner
Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day
Xi Jinping… Bowen Yang
Corn kid… Devon Walker
[Starts with intro of Monday Night football with Peyton & Eli]
[cut to Peyton Manning and Eli Manning on split screen]
Peyton Manning: Hey everybody, I’m Peyton Manning. [cheers and applause]
Eli Manning: And I’m Eli Manning, his brother.
Peyton Manning: Yeah, I think they know we’re brothers because the same last name.
Eli Manning: Oh, yeah.
Peyton Manning: Now this is our Manning Cast where we do live analysis of what’s already playing on TV. Normally we do it during Monday Night Football.
Eli Manning: Yeah, but tonight it’s not Monday. It’s Saturday.
Peyton Manning: Great insight, Eli.
Eli Manning: Yeah. So instead of football, we decided to check out the season premiere of SNL.
Peyton Manning: There are a lot of changes at the show, which couldn’t be exciting. Let’s see what they spent the entire summer coming up with.
Eli Manning: Okay, we got an establishing shot of Mar-a-Lago.
Peyton Manning: Oh, good Trump sketch. Way to mix it up.
[SNL sketch is being played at the right hand side of the screen]
Lawyer: Mr. President, as your lawyer, I don’t think we should be hiding during a hurricane.
Donald Trump: Actually, it’s the safest place I’ve been in two years. There’s no lawyers, no FBI. I’m in my happy place.
Eli Manning: Okay, not bad.
Lawyer: A few guests wanted to say hello, Mr. President.
Donald Trump: Please call me current president.
Eli Manning: Why are guests visiting during a hurricane?
Peyton Manning: All right, now it looks like we got a rookie leading the senior cast member into the room. Probably go to run a simple “Right this way, ma’am.”
[Kristi Noem and Michael walk into the office]
Michael : Right this way, ma’am.
Eli Manning: Telegraphed it.
Peyton Manning: Oh, and he doesn’t close the door behind them. Now, now he’s trying to fix it. The new guys fully panicking. He’s just staring at the camera.
Eli Manning: Oh god. And you know what? That might be the only time we see him tonight.
Peyton Manning: Let’s see what Heidi’s got. She’s never let me down.
Lawyer: Sir, the governor of South Dakota is here.
Kristi Noem: Hello, I’m Governor Kristi Noem and I [in funny Italian accent] want to take your abortion rights.
Peyton Manning: And she let me down.
Eli Manning: Okay. Timeout. What the hell was that?
Peyton Manning: The governor of South Dakota, a political impression that no one asked for? What about fun impression like Anthony Fauci or Lindsey Graham or Rudy Giuliani?
Eli Manning: No, those are all Kate McKinnon.
Peyton Manning: Damn.
Kristi Noem: I also want to say Happy early Columbus Day, sir.
Donald Trump: Oh, we love Columbus, don’t we? Sailed right up the edge of the world but landed in Haiti and got to work.
Peyton Manning: I got to point out where’s the balance politically? They’re making Trump Columbus jokes. Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s lost his damn marbles. They’re not even gonna mention that?
Eli Manning: Oh, hold that thought Don Jr. is coming in.
Donald Trump Jr. : [walks in with a lifejacket and an oars] Dad, I hate to cut the party short. But we should really get out of here. The President of China can only hold so many nuclear secrets.
Xi Jinping: [holding a nuclear book] Let’s just say I’m happier than when the Queen’s Corgis found out they weren’t going with Prince Andrew.
Peyton Manning: Okay, okay, that confused me. And did Bowen say Corgi? Does he not know it’s pronounced Cordy?
Eli Manning: Yeah, it’s a surprising fumble from the veteran Yang. He was supposed to take a step up this year, but you can tell the pressure is getting to him.
Peyton Manning: Meanwhile, looks like Sarah Sherman is just peeking in the window trying to watch the sketch.
Eli Manning: And now she’s realized she’s caught and tries to make a smooth exit. Wow. I mean, they’re all professionals. But so are the New York Jets.
Peyton Manning: This shows in the rebuild near for sure. Let’s take a look at the stats so far. 14 attempted jokes this episode only, one mild laugh and three chuckles.
Eli Manning: Yeah, and you know Peyton, I heard they stay up till Kristi Noemam writing this show.
Peyton Manning: When do they start writing the show? 4:30? Thank god they’ve got Kendrick Lamar, because that’s the only reason anyone is tuning in.
Eli Manning: Alright, let’s check back in on their little skit.
Donald Trump: Now President Xi, you’re not helping out Vladimir Putin are you? Because as Brandi told Monica, the boy is mine?
Xi Jinping: Hey, it is what it is. Am I right? It is what it is.
Peyton Manning: Wait, wait, wait. Is he trying to make that a catchphrase? It is what it is?
Eli Manning: Oh god. Look, he’s saying it’s a camera now.
Xi Jinping: It is what it is.
Peyton Manning: Desperate stuffs. Anyway, joining us now is a three time host of SNL during what now seems like a golden era. Jon Hamm. [Jon Hamm appears on the screen] John, what have you seen so far tonight?
Jon Hamm: I don’t know. But it’s not comedy. I mean, they haven’t even used Kenan yet. That’s like putting a whole team of Eli’s on the field. You’ve got Peyton sitting on the sidelines. No offence, Eli.
Eli Manning: Oh no, I agree.
Peyton Manning: And what about new cast? Anyone you’re excited about?
Jon Hamm: Well, I’ve been scouting Devon Walker at local bar shows for years and I think the kid’s really got something.
Peyton Manning: Well, here comes this chance.
Lawyer: Sir, the corn kid is here to see you.
[Corn kid walks in with a corn in his hands]
Corn kid: It’s corn. It’s got the juice.
Eli Manning: Oh hell no. Corn kid? Devin Walker’s first appearance on national TV and they got him doing corn kid?
Peyton Manning: Pity you.
Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, it could be worse. It looks like they got Molly and Marcelo doing the gritty.
Eli Manning: It’s a humiliating attempt of relevance.
Jon Hamm: I don’t know. Maybe this is strategic, like what a sports team takes to get a better draft pick next year.
Lawyer: And sir, this special master from the classified documents investigation is here. He finished reviewing your docket.
Shaun White: I’ve decided they’re all awesome.
Peyton Manning: Shaun White? That is just gratuitous stunt casting.
Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, you know, sometimes they need to bring in a real celebrity when the host isn’t that famous.
Peyton Manning: Right.
Jon Hamm: I mean, when they couldn’t get the star of the big summer movie or Tom Cruise or your Jon Hamm, they had to get the co star.
Peyton Manning: Well, I heard they rarely put the host in cold open, so when they do, it is special.
Jon Hamm: Special or is it desperate?
Peyton Manning: All right. Thanks for stopping by Jon. I know Jon’s got to get out of here.
Jon Hamm: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna stick around and see what the hell this show is gonna be.
All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.