Chris Rock Stand-Up Monologue

Chris Rock

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock.

[Chris Rock walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Chris Rock: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Okay, before we even get started, let’s– Hey, the elephant in the room, president Trump’s in a hospital from COVID and I just wanna say my heart goes out to COVID. This is a special show. This show is quite different than every other show. There are so many protocols. Everybody in this audience has been checked. And all week, I’ve had things going up my nose, everyday I come in here. I haven’t had so much stuff up my nose since I shared a dressing room with Chris Farley. Hey, I gotta say, the audience, this floor right here are first res– What are they? The first responders. All the audience right here. [cheers and applause] Everybody here, they’re first responders. They’re so good, we let people die tonight so they can see a good show. Okay?

Now, you know, everything– The world is insane right now. But one thing we can agree upon, COVID has ruined our plans. We all used to have plans before COVID. Remember, we used to have plans and stuff, man? My sister was getting married, man! I paid Bell Biv DeVoe $80,000, man. And I can’t get it back. I had tickets to Coachella, man. I know 200,000 Americans are dead, but I’m not seeing Rage Against The Machine this year, man. That is travesty. Now, one thing I’ve noticed about this whole pandemic, people are reassessing their relationships. That’s the big thing. Taking inventory. You know, a lot of break ups, a lot of divorces, and a lot of renegotiations. Couples stay together but they’re like, “Okay, we’re going to stay together, but I’m telling you exactly what I don’t like about you right now. We gonna keep this going. You gonna have to change some stuff, okay?”

And it’s weird we doing that with our relationships, all of us are doing that with our relationships, but I think we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government. You know? It’s like– Yeah, we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government. Does it work? I mean I think Joe Biden should be the last president ever. Like, we need a whole new system. Okay? I mean, do we even need a ‘president’ president? Or just figure out a new way to do the job? I mean, what job do you have for four years no matter what? Just show me one job. Like, if you hired a cook, and he was making people vomit everyday, do you sit there and go, “Well, he’s got a four year deal. We just got to vomit for four more years.” I mean, to be the president of the United States, all you have to be is 35 and born in United States. So, if anybody can be the president, then anybody can be the president, man. That’s how we got in this predicament. You know what I mean? I mean there should be some rules to being the president. You realize there’s more rules to a game show than running for president? Like, Donald Trump left a game show to run for president because it was easier. That’s right. There’s rules to be one Jeopardy. You can’t just jump on Jeopardy. You can’t throw your son on Jeopardy, or your son-in-law. Steve Harvey can’t put his family on Family Feud. It’s real scrutiny, man. And do the democrats even want to win? Do they even want to win? Trump, he runs against– The democrats just keep putting up 75 year old people to run against Trump. Now, hey, one thing we can say about Trump. He got the most energy of any 75 year old person on a face on the earth. Even Mick Jagger’s is like, “Slow down, Donald.” Trump is like a dominant female boxer. He’s like Ronda Rousey. You’re like, “God dammit, she can fight.” And then you go, “Oh, she hitting girls.”

I don’t know. We gotta figure out our whole relationship. We gotta renegotiate our relationship to the government. The senate and the congress doesn’t work? No, it doesn’t freaking work, man. It doesn’t work. Why doesn’t it work? Coz they need freaking term limits, okay? We’ve agreed in the United States that we cannot have kings, yet we have dukes and duchesses running the senate and congress making decisions for poor people. That’s right. [applause] Rich people making decisions for poor people. That’s like your handsome friend giving you dating advice.  “Well, I think you should go over there and grab her by the ass and tell her it’s your’s.” “Yeah, that works for you, Idris.”

Hey, we’ve got to take this serious. We got to get out there. We got to vote. But they don’t want us to vote. The government does not want you to vote. Why do I know they don’t want you to vote? Because election day is Tuesday in November. Why? Anybody here ever put something on a Tuesday in November? Does anybody get married on a Tuesday in November? Church ain’t on a Tuesday. Even Jesus avoids Tuesday. If this show was Tuesday Night Live, it would have got canceled in 1975. I mean, that’s why we’ve got to vote, man. And we’ve got to take it serious. We’ve got to take it serious. I watch–

The republicans take it serious. You watch FOX News, Shawn Hannity’s mean. Everyday! He’s looking you in the camera, he’s telling you it’s the end of the world. “Listen to me!” And every time I see Anderson Cooper, he’s with Andy Cohen on New Year’s eve blowing a kazoo, drinking rosay, it’s like, “Of course they believe Shawn.” What do you expect? Walter Cronkite was the most respected man in news. You know why? Coz we never saw him shorts, okay? But we got to take this serious, man. We got to take the whole government serious. We got to take the whole, this whole, everything going on right now, we can lick this. We can beat this if we all work together. James Baldwin said, “Not everything that is face can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it’s faced.” Okay? Right?

We got a great show for you tonight. Megan Thee Stallion is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating

Colin Jost

The Guy… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, fall is here. But the weather in New York has been unseasonably warm. Here to give us late summer dating advice is a guy who just bought a boat.

The guy: Hey. Ha-ha. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Welcome back.

The guy: Hey, Cojo, LL cool Jost, CJ one. Relax bro. Just a nickname. A little rib for their pleasure. Uh, very tight to be back. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, it’s great to have you. Do you have any, like, dating advice?

The guy: Jost. First step fellas, [Cut to The guy] you’re gonna want to rock a quality frag, okay? We’re talking cologne, Jost. [Cut to The guy and Colin Jost] Um, you got your arm kroms, your T hill frigs, your axe boast spra, [Cut to The guy] Anything that will turn her nose into a yes (no into yes). I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk realistic for your deal date. It’s all about locatio, locatio, locatio. Your best bet, a yeah, it’s gonna be a rue taba.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

The guy: A rooftop bar, Colin. It’s like a regular bar but hornier. I’m rotten lay. [Cut to The guy] Now, when it comes to watering hose, nothing gets the hose watering quite like floor numero top. O2 is your go to and if you really want to drive at home, spring for bottle serves. My dong sucks.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait. I’m sorry. What was the last thing you said?

The guy: I said spring for bottle serves and my dong sucks. Try and keep up. It takes a village. [Cut to The guy] Um, but, when it comes to grade A, nobody pops the cork better than my b fam, my bruv from anov mov, please welcome my cousin, the guy who just joined Soho house.

[Cousin slides in] [cheers and applause]

Cousin: Aye, aye, captain Black Out reporting for booty. Just kidding, Col. Try not to get lost at sea, Jost. Now, as a member of the Soho ho, that’s Soho house, you got to be a member to get in. Now, nothing gets your member in like a scluzi clue.

Colin Jost: A scluzi clue?

Cousin: That’s exclusive club. I have a shameful shnoz. Now, when the weather is unseasonable, she won’t be unreasonable. Rising temps make the ladies want to soak up your vitamin D, mine is legit horrible.

The guy: You wanna set this meat cute with your cute meat and mad D spurring. With the right tudes, comma laddie and longi, comma again. Before you know it, she will be under your duvet saying those magic words, “Is it in yet?”

Cousin: And it usually is.

Colin Jost: This is dating advice for everyone?

The guy: Um, si, seenior compadre. Little espanol for you.

[Cut to The guy and Cousin]

Cousin: Yeah, we picked it up during our semestia-bro-bro in the Barcelonzo. I’m terrible at sex.

The guy: I had to lay low in espanio for a straight senior year.

Cousin: Yeah. We were involved-ish in a vehic man-slaught if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Colin Jost, The guy and Cousin]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, that one I think everyone knows.

The guy: Okay. Man, those euro chicks go loco for a chore easo Americano. I can go three pumps tops. I’ll never forget what that one chick told me abroad my vessel. Two dongo is trasho.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where did she say that?

The guy: On my boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: On your boat. Two bag wangs, everyone!

The guy and Cousin: We’re everywhere.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Angela Merkel on Reelection

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel was reelected as chancellor of Germany for a fourth term and is now the longest serving leader in Europe. Here to comment is German chancellor Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in] [cheers and applause]

Angela Merkel: Yes. I am the winner. Yay! Yay!

Colin Jost: Are you happy that you won?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Of course I’m happy. [Cut to Angela Merkel] Is that not coming across? I have been working on my smile. Yay!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: No. It seems a little tortured.

Angela Merkel: Well, to be honest, Colin, part of me was hoping to retire even though the average retirements age in Germany is 87, [Cut to Angela Merkel] at which point you transition into manual labour. Also, my victory was bitter sweet because the far, far right party won seats in our parliament for the first time since– you know– [mouth gesturing] [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What was that?

Angela Merkel: You know. The– [gibberish]

Colin Jost: Okay, yes, the Nazis. Right, yeah. You seem a little stressed out, chancellor.

Angela Merkel: Oh, thank you.

Colin Jost: No, I mean I’m worried about you. It seems like you are dealing with a lot.

Angela Merkel: Well, tell me about it. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It’s like everyone in Europe is having a Rowdy Slumber party and I’m the mean mom who has to send them straight to bed without their radishes.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you have any allies left?

Angela Merkel: No ally. It’s mostly access these days. [Cut to Angela Merkel making faces] Except, except–

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Angela Merkel: Except for that French hunk Macron, ooh-la-la. Get me some diaphragms. I think of him and I’m like, “Obama who?” [looking at the camera] Barack, is it working? Am I making you jealous? Leave Michelle.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. I can tell you’re still a little hung up on president Obama, huh?

Angela Merkel: I know I must accept that it’s over and move on. So, I decided to get rid of everything in my house that reminds me of him. [Angela Merkel pulls out a box] A love letter that I wrote to him but never sent. [reading the letter] “To whom it may concern, I respect you, tepid regards, Merkel.”

Colin Jost: It’s beautiful.

Angela Merkel: [pulls out a CD] A CD I made you but was too shy to give. It’s a mix of all the songs by Creed. [pulls out a picture of her and Obama] A picture of us at the G20 summit. I was cold and you let me borrow your jacket. Turns out we were wearing the same suit. [closes the box and puts it away] I had to stop following him on social media so I wouldn’t be tempted to slide into his DMs. One night, I had one too many shots… one. And I sent him a picture of my bare knee. He wrote back, “Is that a peeled potato?”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. It’s got to be hard to go from Obama to Trump. I heard Trump didn’t even call you. He had four days to congratulate you.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Dis muta fuka. Four days. [yelling] Four days! Which in Germany is like 20 business days. Finally, I sent him a tiny email. I was like, “Are you going to say anything?” And he was like, “Oh, sorry, Just saw this, didn’t have my phone.” And I was like, “That feeling when he doesn’t text you back, but you see him tweeting.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, chancellor, I hope you find some time after your victory to relax and have fun. I mean, Halloween’s right around the corner.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Yes, yes. I already know what my costume will be. [Cut to Angela Merkel] I’ll be going as slutty Angela Merkel. That’s me, but with a hat.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel, everyone!

Weekend Update on Hurricane Maria

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Thank you.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Puerto Rican flag at left top corner.]

Well, after president Trump was criticized for a terrible response to Hurricane Maria, this morning he finally gave the people of Puerto Rico what they needed most. A bunch of tweets straight up calling them lazy. Trump said that the people of Puerto Rico “Want everything to be done for them.” Then he told his caddy to repair his difficulty and drive him to the next hole.

Hey, Trump always said he was going to get things done faster than any other president. Now, I believe him. It took George W. Bush five years to get his Katrina.

Meanwhile, rapper Pitbull [picture changes to rapper Pitbull] has loaned out his private jet to help rescue people in Puerto Rico. Wow, if only Donald Trump knew someone with a private jet. How is the president of United States worse at humanitarian aid than Pitbull? And you know Pitbull was doing it while also featuring on four different trckas and hosting Foam partis for bud light. Trump is busy doing the real work. Making excuses while half explaining what an island is. Just watch.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: This is an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What are you talking about? It’s not a treacherous journey. It’s Puerto Rico. Not skull island. Cruise ships full of retired aunts go there all the time. I think Trump is working of one of those old sailor maps with sea monsters on it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Puerto Rican flag at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: After mayor of San Juan criticized the government’s Puerto Rican relief efforts, president Trump attacked her on twitter saying, “The mayor of San Juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago has now been told by the democrats that you must be nasty to Trump.” Oh, really, Donald? You bitch. Was she nasty to you? How nasty? Are you shaking? Do you want to smoke a Virginia slim until your hand stops moving? This isn’t that complicated issue, man. It’s a hurricane relief. These people need help. You just did this very same thing for white people, twice. Do the same thing. Go tell Melania to put on her flood heels, get some bottled water, some food, pack up some extra Atlanta Falcons super bowl t-shirts, write them a check with our money, you cheap cracker! You know, in one month you have mishandled Puerto Rico, Daca, the NFL. It’s like whenever anybody darker than your golf pants has problem, you are thinking, “How can I make this worse?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tom Price at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Health and human services secretary Tom Price was forced to resign yesterday after he was caught using almost a million dollars in taxpayer money to fly on private jets. Yeah, that’s cool you resigned an all, but how about you pay us back the money? You can’t walk into a store and do a million dollars worth of damage and then be like, “Okay, I get it. I’ll leave.” No, man! Pay us. Besides, you can make that million back when you publish your memoir, “Oh, the places you’ll go in a government funded private jet.”

Michael Che: It’s a good book.

Colin Jost: It’s a long title, but a great one. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] This week, president Trump also continued his criticism of NLF players who took a knee during the national anthem. I guess Trump thought, “Well, CNN and MSNBC already hate me. How can I get ESPN to hate me too?” I’m worried it’s not gonna stop with the ESPN though. Next, he’s going to tweet a Nickelodeon that they need to show us Dora’s papers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Adam Silver at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The commissioner of the NBA said that he expected players to follow league rules and stand during the national anthem. Okay, the NBA is what? 130-140% black? What exactly are you gonna do if they all decide to kneel? Have a game between New York Porzingis and the San Antonio Ginobili? How did this guy even get to be the commissioner of the NBA anyway? He looks like somebody put a suit on a sex toy. You know, it’s hard to ask black players to respect the flag when we know that this country cares more abut it than us. Okay? And we love flag. It’s just that white guys really love the flag. The only people I’ve seen love their flag more than white dudes are gay guys and the bloods. And it’s not personal. You just got to understand, there’s 50 stars on the American flag. But black people, we only feel welcome in like, eight. Some of them stars, we still don’t know too much about. That’s why if you ask a black person does he love America, he will be like, “Hey, I love Brooklyn. I’m still reserving judgement on the Dakotas.”

Weekend Update on GOP Healthcare Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of republican logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: There was no vote on the healthcare bill which means that the Obamacare repeal is officially dead. But is it? It’s been dead like three times already and it keeps coming back like a Jason movie. You know, at this rate, we’re only a few years way from “Freddy vs. Healthcare” which really scares the hell out of me because we all know who dies first in those movies.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hugh Hefner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Not me. [Michael Che laughing] Playboy founder Hugh Hefner passed away this week at the age of 91. He will be buried in a folder marked ‘Work Stuff’. [Picture changes to a computer folder named ‘work stuff’.] [Picture changes to a calendar marking October of 2017.]

October is blindness awareness month. So, don’t forget to say you are wearing a ribbon.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a car and map of Saudi Arabia at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They’re not going to see this. [Colin Jost laughing] Saudi Arabia announced on Tuesday that it would begin allowing women to drive. Wow, that’s only a few short years after cars were allowed drive themselves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sewer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Maintenance workers in Baltimore say they have cleared a 140 ton of fatberg from the sewer system which is made up of congealed fat and waste that will not break down. Good news, Baltimore, the McRib is back. [Picture changes to McDonald’s McRib.] [Picture changes to Hostess packet snack called Ding Dongs]

And Hostess is unveiling new flavors of their snack cakes including white fudge Ding Dongs. Coincidentally, white fudge Ding Dongs is what they call Weekend Update in China.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Caduceus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know who that’s more racist to. A new report shows that 2016 had the highest number of sexually transmitted diseases ever reported. Beating the record previously held by Kid Rock.

The Fliplets

Pete… Mikey Day

Zeke… Alex Moffat

Tristan… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with HGTV video bumper]

Female voice: You’re watching HGTV, coz your house sucks.

[Cut to The Fliplets promo]

Female voice: If you love the ‘Property Brothers’, just wait until you meet Pete, Zeke and Tristan. It’s the Fliplets.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: I’m Pete. I have been a licensed realtor since I was 18. And if I can’t find a house you love, it just ain’t out there.

[Cut to Zeke]

Zeke: Ha-ha-ha. My name is Zeke and I have been flipping houses for the past 12 years. I’m the guy who will turn whatever nightmare he finds you into the home of your dream.

[Cut to Tristan]

Tristan: I’m Tristen. And when our parents divorced, I was the only one that went to live with our dad.

[Cut to all]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Alright, they don’t want to hear about that.

Tristan: Well, when are you gonna talk about it? I mean we’ve never talked about what happened.

Female voice: The Fliplets, just three brothers renovating houses and busting your gut.

[Cut to Pete and Zeke]

Pete: this guy does all the manual labor, which according to my calculations make me the smart one.

Zeke: Oh, please, poindexter here. You couldn’t drive a nail if it had a steering wheel on it.

[Cut to Tristan]

Tristan: I don’t think they ever really fully grieved the death of our family.

[Cut to all]

Pete: Ha-ha. Not really the platform, bud.

Tristan: Yes. So, rather than face their demons that they have, they go city to city trying to build the home they never had.

Female voice: The Fliplets, all new this fall.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We are all about the three Rs. [Cut to all] Refurbish,–

Zeke: Remodel,–

Pete: And…

Tristan: Religion is a drug.

Zeke: Nope. Nope. It’s renovate.

Female voice: The fliplets. Every Tuesday at 8.

[Cut to Pete and Zeke]

Zeke: I’ve been working with my hands my entire life. It’s my passion. Heck, when I was 12, I built a tree house with central AC.

Pete: Yeah. and even though I got a couple offers on it, I couldn’t sell the old gal. There were just too many memories.

[Tristan walks in]

Tristan: When I was 12, I watched a man get hit by a bus. And I had plenty of time to intervene but I was frozen, not by fear… but by a dreadful excitement.

Zeke: Ha-ha.

Tristan: And I just watched him. Like it was all a little show that god was putting on just for me. A Marionette, dangling before the lapping flames of his master’s furnace. And in that moment, I died a little unto myself but I was reborn as the lizard I was destined to become.

Pete: Ha-ha. He has never mentioned this before.

Zeke: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Tristan: Some might say that was the day the light inside me dimmed. But I would say that’s the moment the darkness inside me began to shine.

Zeke: What? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Female voice: The Fliplets, this was the usable footage.

The Chaos President Cold Open

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Cruz… Melissa Villaseñor

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Sarah walking to the oval office]

Sarah: Welcome back from bed, Mr. president.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Sarah. I had to come back. Sometimes when you’re president, you have to make sacrifices. So I skipped the back nine.

Sarah: Um, I understand, Mr. President. Sir, mayor Cruz of San Juan is on the line.

Donald Trump: I was expecting this phone call. Sure she wants to tell me what a great job I am doing.

[picks up the phone]

Yes, mayor, you wanted to talk to me?

[Cut to split screen with Cruz and Donald Trump]

Cruz: Yes, Mr. President, I’m so glad to have you on the phone. I’m begging you. Puerto Rico needs your help.

Donald Trump: I hear you loud and clear. And you called the best person for the job. [Cut to Donald Trump] Trust me. I know things are at the locals say ‘Despacito’. We’re gonna get more help to you. We’ll get to you immediately probably by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Mr. President, that’s not good enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you should have paid your bills. Thema takes a few days unless you join Thema prime.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ma’am, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re in an island in the water. The ocean water. Big ocean. With fishies and bubbles and turtles that bite. We wanna help you but we have to take care of America first.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Wait, you do know we’re a US territory, don’t you?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I do, but not many people know that.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Cruz]

Cruz: Sir, e just need help please.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Donald Trump: Wow! That woman was so nasty.

Sarah: Mr. President, I got to be honest. This is only gonna get way worse.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like you, Sarah. You’re a straight shooter. That’s why you outlasted Sean Spicer, Scaramucci, Banon, Priebus, Gorkha flame and Tom Price.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Thank you, sir. I think it’s because folks listen to me because I’m no nonsense but I’m all nonsense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you handled that NFL thing just great.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Oh, well, I’m a little embarrassed that I said it’s a black and white issue. I should have said it’s a black vs. white issue.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s disgraceful. You know, I actually love football. I could’ve played. People say I remind them of an NFL player because I’m combative. I like to win. And I might have degenerative brain disease.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Well, I will stand by you, sir. No matter what you say.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, trust me. It may seem like what’s coming out of my mouth is B-A-N-A-N-A-S, but it’s all part of the plan. The more chaos I cause, the less people can focus. We’re all getting so tired. So tired. Let me show you. How long did I declare war on North Korea and the rocket man?

[Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump]

Sarah: Um, four months?

Donald Trump: Wrong! it was last Friday. See? I’m bending time. So, let’s keep the chaos coming and shake things up around here. Speaking of shaking things up, get Jeff Sessions in here.

Sarah: Okay. Alright.

[As soon as Sarah walks out, Jeff Sessions stand up from right behind Donald Trump]

Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Jeff, how did you get in here so fast?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I live in the grandfather clock just in the hallway. I made friends with some mice. They tell me secrets.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I’m thinking about making a few changes in my administration.

Jeff Sessions: Aw! Digiddi dong!

Donald Trump: But you’ve been with me from the beginning. And you know, I value loyalty.

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. I’m very, very loyal.

Donald Trump: But, you went against me on the darker thing. And you wouldn’t fire James Comey when I needed you to.

Jeff Sessions: I know I was a bad boy. Very bad. Very bad. I should not have recuse myself from Coleman calamity. I don’t know. I got spooked.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I need someone with real balls. Not what you have which is two little George Pickens. Okay? Um, we have to do something right now.

Jeff Sessions: I understand. Time for the belt.

Donald Trump: I’m not doing that, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Please, sir. Don’t tweet on me. Please. I cannot get tweeted all over again.

Donald Trump: Tweet is so powerful, aren’t they? You fear the tweets.

Jeff Sessions: No, no. Donny. Donny, please.

Donald Trump: God, it’s so hard when you’re so damn cute. Come on over here to daddy.

[Donald Trump pulls Jeff Sessions and makes him sit on his laps]

Jeff, we’ll get through this.

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. i will not let you down. I might look adorable but I am frightening.

Donald Trump: You know, I’m nothing if not loyal. You were the first to get the republican party on my side. And I’ll always back them up because of you. You’re my guy, Jeff.

[Sarah walks in]

Sarah: Sorry to interrupt sir, but Chuck Schumer is here. He says you’re working on some kind of secret deal together.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions. Donald Trump stands and puts Jeff Sessions down]

Donald Trump: Ah, yes. Send him in.

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: There he is. How are you doing, sir? Ready for dinner? No great place for slices. You’ll feel like you’re back in Queens.

Donald Trump: Great! Let’s go.

Jeff Sessions: So, are you really leaving with him?

Donald Trump: I told you, I’m nothing if not loyal. Come on over here, Chuck. We’re both New Yorkers. We enjoy good slice. We never go to Time Square and we love saying–

Donald Trump, Jeff Sessions and Chuck Schumer: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Ryan Gosling Jazz Monologue

Ryan Gosling

Kenan Thompson

Emma Stone

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling.

[Ryan Gosling walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ryan Gosling: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so honored to be here hosting SNL again. It’s my second time. It’s the season premiere. Jay-Z is here. I mean, I haven’t felt this excited since I saved Jazz. [audience laughing] You guys know I saved Jazz, right? I mean I did this movie La La Land and then everyone was saying that I saved jazz. I guess it was dying and I saved it. But more importantly, I have a movie coming out called Blade Runner 2049 with Harrison Ford. [cheers and applause] Yes, it’s very exciting. It opens in a week. And yes, for those of you who are curious, I was the last person who thought he would save jazz. I mean I was like, “Me, Ryan Gosling, all like a white kid from Canada, I guess I can try and save jazz.” So, I did. Anyway, that’s beside the point.

The first day of shooting on Blade Runner, I met Harrison Ford and he walks right up to me and he looks me right in the eye and he says, “Ryan, what the heck is jazz?” Well, let me unpack that a little for you, Harrison.

[Ryan Gosling takes a seat to play the piano] [cheers and applause]

I learned this jazz on the movie. It’s like music in motion. The notes are talking to each other and giving each other a little kiss. But sometimes, notes get into fights and this one stops talking to that one. And then this one is like, “Screw you guys, I’m doing my own thing.” But you know what? They always make up. [Ryan Gosling lights up a cigarette using his both hands, but the piano is still playing] Now, jazz was born in New Orleans or as it’s correctly pronounced, Nerlens. And then from Nerlens– From Nerlens they moved on to Chicagi and then to NYC city. And let me tell you, jazz was the thing. Jazz was where it was at. And then it almost died and I saved it.

The budget for Blade Runner was insane. It was like 9 billion. 9 billion. As many notes as there are in jazz. But jazz isn’t just about the notes you play. It’s about, the notes you don’t play. You know what I mean? I’m so glad I saved jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up, man?

Ryan Gosling: Oh, hey, Kenan.

[Kenan Thompson pulls Ryan Gosling to the stage away from piano]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah.

Ryan Gosling: What’s up?

Kenan Thompson: Just would love to chat with you in private a little bit. Yeah, we’re done with that. Thanks. Dude, what are you doing out here? You talking about jazz and Chicai and Nerlens, and nobody wants to hear you do that.

[Kenan Thompson pulls the cigarette out of Ryan Gosling’s mouth]

Ryan Gosling: Said the guy who didn’t save jazz.

Kenan Thompson: You didn’t save jazz. It was sarcasm. It was a joke.

Ryan Gosling: Well, I don’t care, Kenan. Because jazz is all about going with the flow, and this is the flow I’m feeling right now.

Kenan Thompson: Well, you are a bad ambassador for jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks away]

Ryan Gosling: [pointing at the band] These guys know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Huh? Come on, hit it.

[the band start playing jazz music]

You see, the sax is ripping with the guitars. Hold on. Guys, guys, guys. Quiet, quiet, quiet, please, please. The thing is if you play jazz that loud, then people can’t hear me talking about jazz. That’s what we’re all here for, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

[Emma Stone walks in]

Emma Stone: Hey, hey! Ryan! Ryan! [cheers and applause] Can I speak to you for just a second?

Ryan Gosling: Emma, didn’t you hear? I just jazz good with the guys.

Emma Stone: Yeah. I did. You jazz fine. What are you doing? Ryan, you didn’t save jazz. How many times  have we talked about this?

Ryan Gosling: A lot.

Emma Stone: Yeah. A lot. Because you didn’t save jazz. We saved jazz. [Emma Stone takes a puff of a cigarette] [cheers and applause]

Isn’t that right, NYC city?

Ryan Gosling: You’re right. [band playing music] We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Emma Stone: Jay-Z is here.

Ryan Gosling: So stick around. We’ll be right back.


Steven… Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Steven sleeping at night]

Narrating: It happened again. [Steven wakes up] I thought it was behind me. But the dreams came back. [Steven is in the kitchen with Cecily] I was up all night. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.

Cecily: What’s wrong?

Narrating: You know, it haunts me.

Steven: Nothing.

Cecily: Oh, Steven. Not this again.

Narrating: I forgot about it for years but then I remembered that Avatar, the giant international blockbuster used the Papyrus font as it’s logo.

[Cut to Kate in Steven’s therapy session]

Kate: Avatar, the movie from nine years ago?

Steven: Yeah. He just highlighted Avatar, he clicked the drop down menu and then he randomly selected Papyrus. Like a thoughtless child just wandering by a garden yanking leaves along the way.

Kate: And so now you’re worried about the sequels that are coming out?

Steven: They’re making more?

Kate: Yes. Well, I think I heard that.

Steven: They changed the artwork. They fixed it!

[Kate looks for Avatar 2 in the internet]

Kate: Um, it looks similar.

[Steven gets angry and flips the table in front of him] [Cut to Steven driving]

Narrating: He just got away with it. This man, this professional graphic designer. Was it laziness? Was it cruelty?

[Cut to Steven showing the Avatar poster to Chris]

Chris: You’ve showed me this before. I don’t think this is literally Papyrus. Maybe that was the starting point but they clearly modified this.

Steven: But whatever they did, [yelling] it wasn’t enough!

Narrating: And now, here I am doing what I vowed to never do again, sitting outside his house, hoping to catch a glimpse of him to see him doing his little things, live his insane little life.

[Cut to Steven drinking beer]

Steven: I think about it every time I see Papyrus.

Chris: Okay. Where else do you even see this font?

Steven: Hookah bars. Tequila merch. Off brand tees.

[As Steven is driving, he sees a man looking at him and whispering ‘Papyrus’. Being distracted, he crashes his car] [Heidi walks to Steven as he is getting out of the car]

Heidi: My god, are you okay? What happened?

Steven: Do you remember the Avatar logo?

Heidi: Um, yeah. It was tribal yet futuristic.

Steven: Papyrus.

Heidi: Oh, sure.

[Behind Heidi, Steven sees the man again]

Steven: I know what you did. [yelling] I know what you did.

Levi’s Wokes

Mikey: My jeans tell me I’m a man.

Kate: My jeans tell me I’m a woman.

Kenan: They tell me I’m relaxed.

Pete: That I’m skinny.

Boy: A child.

Ryan: Yo! You don’t know me, jeans.

Leslie: I’m not a style.

Pete: I’m not a size.

Ryan: That’s not me.

Boy: I am not a child.

Heidi: I’m me.

Chris: I’m unique.

Mikey: I’m woke.

Kenan: Woke.

Leslie: Woke.

Mikey: I’m woke.

Kate: So, why aren’t my jeans?

Female voice: Now, they are. Introducing Levi’s Wokes. Sizeless, style neutral, gender non-conforming denim for a generation that despises labels. Levi’s heard that if you’re not woke, it’s bad. So we made these.

Chris: Defining someone by their style, that’s offensive.

Pete: That’s why Levi Wokes have no style.

Leslie: What’s my size? Why don’t you try asking me about my accomplishments?

Heidi: My wokes are size me.

Kate: They fit everybody.

Kenan: Because they fit nobody.

Leslie: So what colors do they come in?

Chris: Colors?

Ryan: I’m triggered!

Mikey: This color.

Pete: Can you label this color?

Female voice: That is the color greb.

Chris: They not brown, but they not not brown.

Heidi: It’s a handful of colors. None of which are dominant.

Mikey: Just like our country. Oh, wait. Woke!

Leslie: Let’s talk pockets.

Pete: Pockets sold separately.

Mikey: Yo! Who says I have hands?

Kenan: You getting this yet? The jeans are woke.

Kate: Do they come on men’s and women’s?

Ryan: Nah!

Mikey: Do they come in person?

Ryan: What do you think?

Leslie: That’s why wokes got a uni fly.

Female voice: 180 degrees gender non-conformity.

Chris: My jeans let me decide how I go to the bathroom. Do your’s?

Kenan: What don’t you get? They Woke!

Pete: Woke.

Kate: Get Woke.

Ryan: Wear Woke.

Mikey: Yo, hold up. Are my wokes made in some factory by Indonesian kids?

Pete: Nah! They made right here in the USA–

Leslie: — by white kids.

Ryan: Wake up with Levi’s Wokes.

All: Woke.

Female voice: Levi Woke, available exclusively at Ross.