Tag: episode 1

Grimace

Birdie the Early Bird… Sarah Sherman

Ronald McDonald… Mikey Day

Hamburglar… Bowen Yang

Mayor McCheese… Kenan Thompson

Grimace… Miles Teller

[Starts with four characters from McDonald’s standing together in a jungle]

Birdie the Early Bird: Wow, it’s so great. McDonald’s is getting the gang back together for a new ad campaign.

Ronald McDonald: Totally. This is gonna be so fun. Hey, has anyone seen Grimace?

Hamburglar: No, but if I know him, he’s snarfing down a couple of free Game burgers.

[all laughing]

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, probably more than a couple, huh?

Grimace: Hi, everyone. [Grimace walked in all jacked up]

Ronald McDonald: What the—?

Grimace: Hey fellas, hello.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? Oh my god Did you—

Grimace: Lose 300 pounds this summer? Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: Man you You look incredible. I had no idea—

Grimace: I lost 300 pounds and got totally yoked up? Yeah.

Hamburglar: Okay, so then how did you—

Grimace: Drop 300 and get stacked to the heavens? Well, I started walking to work. Drink a lot of water and oh, I also stopped eating McDonald’s for every meal.

Ronald McDonald: Well, I’m happy for you. Paula must be thrilled.

Grimace: Oh, well yes, she’s happy for me. But yeah, we got divorced.

Birdie the Early Bird: Oh, no. You guys were so solid. What happened?

Grimace: Well, I got this new body and— Look, I hate to say it fellas, but I was swerving this summer.

Hamburglar: Swerving? What swerving?

Grimace: Cheating constantly on my wife.

Ronald McDonald: Cool. So look, maybe we shoot that commercial? Yeah?

Grimace: Absolutely, man. It’s your world. It’s been a long summer of self discovery. And I just want you to know, if you do the work and dig really deep, I promise you would find some surprises. Anyway, let’s do this brother. I’m excited.

Ronald McDonald: Okay, great. Everyone ready?

All: Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: And action.

[music playing]

Birdie the Early Bird: I wanna make double.

Hamburglar: I wanna steal your hamburgers.

Ronald McDonald: I want to give the whole world a happy meal.

Grimace: And I, well I’m a bisexual man.

Ronald McDonald: And cut! Cut.

Grimace: Wow, felt really good to say that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? You’re bisexual?

Grimace: Yeah, I like both. This summer I realized that. I was getting off a plane. And when I said bye to the flight attendants, one of them shook my hand and kissed it. And I realized I like both.

Hamburglar: Okay, congrats Grimace.

Grimace: And I’d like to say that I’m bi in commercial. It’s really important to me and I don’t even really eat McDonald’s anymore.

Ronald McDonald: Yeah, well, let me think about that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, if you’re happy, we’re happy.

Grimace: Happy? Yeah.

Grimace thinking: Am I happy? Yeah, I don’t know. I think I am happy.

Grimace: Guys, I have some pretty big news. I’m bisexual.

Birdie the Early Bird: Yeah, you said that already.

Grimace:  Well, it’s just liberating to let go of a secret but I guess you guys wouldn’t understand.

Mayor McCheese: Well, I got a secret.

Hamburglar: Oh my god, ham and cheese.

Ronald McDonald: I forgot you were there. You literally haven’t said a thing since we’ve been here.

Mayor McCheese: Well, the thing is, I ain’t always have a cheeseburger for head. See when I was a young man, I was actually a human prince. One day I went to McDonald’s. Outside on the street, man, was the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen. She looked busted. Shorty had bumps on her nose, asking me to buy her a burger. Anyway. Long story short, I threw a bunch of brand new burgers in the trash. Next thing you know, man, she zapped me. That’s how I got this cheeseburger head. Also, I’m bisexual. I like both.

Grimace: Hell, yeah.

Birdie the Early Bird and Hamburglar: We’re bi too.

Grimace: Ronald, how about you, haul? You bi?

Ronald McDonald: Sure I’m bi… buying a peloton, so I can start swerving like Grimace.

[cut to McDonald’s outro]

Male voice: Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, I’m lovin’ both.

Charmin Bears

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Daughter… Punkie Johnson

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Son… Myles Teller

William… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Daughter and Mom waiting outside a door]

Daughter: That’s been in there for Daughter7 minutes. It’s gonna be late for work.

Mom: Honey, everything okay?

[Dad runs out of the door and starts singing and dancing]

Dad: [singing] No itches, no scratch
my booty feels so snatch

All: Thank you Charmin, yeah
thank you Charmin, yeah
we smiling cheek to cheek
we smiling cheek to cheek
thank you Charmin, whoo!

Daughter: I was so worried for a second there, dad.

Dad: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. It’s not my first time and it won’t be my last today.

Mom: Amen.

Daughter: Now wait! Where’s Toby? Why didn’t he join in?

Son: [standing in the corner] Sorry, I’m over here. I didn’t hear you singing.

Mom: What’s wrong, son? Are you stopped up?

Dad: Yeah, Toby, you okay? Wait, what you reading there? What is this? Is this? It’s an acceptance letter to toilet paper college. My son is going to TPC.

Mom: Oh my god. What?

Dad: Son, I’m about to cry. Toilet paper College. Oh, I can’t believe this is happening.

Son: I’m sorry, dad, it’s not. I’m not going.

Dad: Well, well, well, hang on there. Hang on. I don’t think I heard you right.

Son: Then take the Charmin out of your ears, dad. I changed my mind.

Dad: Now listen to me, boy. You are the first member of this family to go to college, and you are getting that BFA.

Son: I don’t want a bachelor of flushing arts.

Dad: Well, I don’t care what you want,

Mom: Keith, relax.

Dad: No, no, I worked in that toilet paper mine for 40 years. 40 years!

Daughter: It’s true Toby. He’s down there with his pickaxe all day just gathering up those roads.

Dad: And I did not work my poles to the bone just to see you throw this away. You getting that degree in deprecatory studies and urinary arcs?

Son: Why is everything in our lives have to revolve around going to the bathroom?

Mom: Because sweetie, we’re bears. Don’t you understand? We do two things. We eat honey, and we shoot it out.

Son: Well, I want more mom. I want more than just eating honey and shooting it out.

Dad: You are not my son.

Daughter: Dad, don’t say that.

Dad: No, go upstairs to your room, Stacy. I’m gonna maul your brother now.

Daughter: No. Toby, can you just please do what he wants?

Son: But what about what I want?

Mom: Well, what is it?

Son: I want to dance mama. I want to dance.

Dad: We danced at the beginning.

Son: Not toilet dancing, not twerking because our asses are clean. I’m talking about art. Don’t you get it?

Mom: No, I don’t get this day at all.

Son: Then let me show you. William, can you come in?

[William walks in]

William: Hello. I apologize for being late. I was using your bathroom.

Daughter: That’s our kitchen.

William: Then you have my apologies.

Dad: Who is this?

Son: I met him in dance class.

Dad: What?

William: I can tell by your reaction that this is shocking news but I have more. Your son is good.

Son: Please dad, just give me a chance.

Dad: I can’t believe I’m doing this but all right. But if I’m not impressed, you are going to that doo-doo college.

Son: Deal. [music playing] I’m so scared.

William:  Hey, don’t be.

[They start doing the TikTok dances]

Dad: [sobbing] Oh my god. Oh my god.

Mom: Honey, you’re crying.

Dad: Yes. My son is a dancer!

Caribbean Queens

Trinity Summers… Ego Nwodim

Deseret Wingo… Heidi Gardner

Leah… Punkie Johnson

Gordy… Myles Teller

Brock… Kenan Thompson

Frank… Devon Walker

[Starts with Trinity Summers and Deseret Wingo dancing and drinking cocktails in a bar]

[music playing]

Both: Hello. We’re moving. We’re moving. We’re moving.

Deseret Wingo: Oh, welcome to Caribbean Queens.

Trinity Summers: My name is Trinity Summers.

Deseret Wingo: And I am Deseret Wingo. And we are coming to you live…

Trinity Summers: And hungover…

Deseret Wingo: From Grabbers Resort and Spa where the party never stops.

Trinity Summers: You know, we met on Spirit Airlines on the way over. Yeah, we came over here for a week long vacation but we’ve been here for five amazing months. We’re doing a little eating, zero praying and a whole lot of loving.

Deseret Wingo: Plus, you know what? It’s off peak, which means there’s no sun, but there’s also no women younger than us.

Trinity Summers: Yeah, we’re bragging. Yes we are. Okay, now play our song.

[music playing]

Now our theme song is of course by the greatest Musician of the last Deseret Wingo00 years, Mr. Billy Ocean.

Deseret Wingo: No man sing so good, they named the ocean after him. Which brings us to the first segment of every show, Google if Billy Ocean is still married.

[Trinity Summers and Deseret Wingo start googling]

Trinity Summers: Ah, he is.

Deseret Wingo: Still?

Trinity Summers: That bitch.

Deseret Wingo: Well, bless their love, and that means I need a drink. Please welcome our favorite bartender, Lisa.

Trinity Summers: Hey, Lisa.

[Gordy walks in with drinks]

Leah: Hey, my name is Leah. But that’s okay.

Trinity Summers: We love her.

Deseret Wingo: We’re so close.

Trinity Summers: We’re like family.

Deseret Wingo: We don’t even tip her.

Leah: But you could.

Deseret Wingo: Now our next segment is what we got up to this week?

Trinity Summers: We went parasailing, shorts fell off. Jet skiing, shorts fell off. Breakfast bar, you know our shorts fell off.

Deseret Wingo: All right. Well, our guest today, as always, are some hunky guys we met last night that we’re now going to speak to in the light of day.

Trinity Summers: That’s right. We’re gonna see if the sparks are still sparking. Come on out Gordy and Brock.

[Gordy and Brock walk in sipping cocktails]

Gordy: Hey ladies, looking good.

Brock: Yeah, looking well lit but still good.

Deseret Wingo: Okay, so you remember us?

Brock: Yeah, we do. I just don’t remember if it was like fun or like “Oh-oh!”

Trinity Summers: It was both.

Deseret Wingo: Little bit of both. So we want to know more about you. You said last night you were a sports agent.

Brock: I sell catheters.

Deseret Wingo: Well, hook a girl up.

Trinity Summers: And I’m trying to remember what you said your job was? Lawyer.

Gordy: White rapper.

Trinity Summers: Oh, okay. I love white rap.

Gordy: Well, I do rap and reggae too. I go by Swaggy, that’s White Swaggy. [singing Shaggy’s verse] Life is one big party when you’re still young

Trinity Summers: Okay, I’m ready to go. I’m ready to go.

Deseret Wingo: Yeah, I’m poppin, okay? So all right, it’s time for the final vibe check. Let’s see if the vibes are still vibin.

[music starts playing. They start dancing]

Deseret Wingo: Okay, this is nice. Oh, get it a little closer to me. Oh, Trinity, my guys got a hardy.

Brock: No. No, I don’t.

Trinity Summers: Well, let me just check mine. Okay, he’s growing, all right. It’s getting there.

Gordy: Oh, my bad.

Trinity Summers: No, baby. It’s a good thing.

Trinity Summers: Okay.

Deseret Wingo: Oh, I think we’ve got to wrap this show up before shorts fall off?

Leah: Oh, get it ladies. You two are the proudest, oldest skanks I’ve ever seen.

Trinity Summers: We love you too.

Deseret Wingo: Okay, now play us out Billy’s little brother Frank Ocean is here.

Trinity Summers: Yeah, give it to us, Frank.

Frank: Yo, I keep telling you, we are not related.

Trinity Summers: Oh, come on. Just get over here and sing the damn song.

[everyone start singing]

BeReal

Miles Teller

Mikey Day

[Starts with people doing their work in the bank.]

Ego: Hey, how are you today?

Male voice: I’m well.

Female voice: Perfect. You had it waiting for me.

[Miles and Mikey walk in. They look at each other, then pull out their handguns]

Miles: Everybody on the ground. [people start panicking]

Mikey: [walking towards teller] You, we need everything from the vault in the bag.

Miles: We always say no one else to get hurt.

Bowen: Oh my god.

[Heidi is trying to open the vault]

Mikey: Open the vault lady.

Heidi: I am going as fast as I can.

Mikey: Well, pick it up.

[The vault opens. Heidi gets inside the vault. Then there’s a phone beeping.]

Miles: What was that?

Bowen: I’m sorry, I’m not calling the police, I swear.

Miles: Slide it over now or we kill you.

Bowen: I want you but I can’t. Because it’s-

Mikey: What is it?

Bowen: It’s time to be real.

Miles: Time to be what?

Bowen: Time to be real.

Ego: Wait, it is?

Andrew: I just got the notification, it’s time to be real.

Mikey: Okay, everybody shut up.

Miles: Yeah. Or tell us what being real is.

Bowen: It’s amazing. It’s this app that blew up over the summer. It’s the only honest social media.

Miles: You think I’m an idiot? Honest social media doesn’t exist.

Bowen: You’re so cynical. I was too. But with Be Real, you can only post once a day when the app sends out a notification.

Ego: So everyone post a pic at the same time no matter where they are, or what they’re doing.

Miles: Oh, so there’s no postures.

Mikey: Stop engaging.

Miles: It’s not status oriented and that’s why it’s called Be  Real.

Bowen: Yes, sir. You’re getting it.

[Mikey shoots on the ceiling]

Mikey: Everybody needs to shut— [people start taking pictures of them being robbed] What are you guys doing?

Bowen: We all have two minutes to post. Quick, quick, pose, pose.

[Miles poses for the photo]

Miles: Wait, wait, wait. So is it a picture of you or me?

Bowen: That’s the other thing. It takes a front and back facing photo at the same time.

Miles: No, what? That is crazy.

Mikey: Do you guys like all work for Be Rea or something?

Andrew: No, we’re just so aligned with the mission of the platform.

Mikey: Okay. [Sarah is trying to move around] You don’t even think about it.

Ego: Where the hell is security? [The security are also taking pictures for the app] Come on, download it. You don’t want to post late.

Miles: What happens if we post late?

Andrew: It tells people.

Miles: No.

All: So then everyone knows that you being real wasn’t being real.

Miles: Okay. I downloaded it.

Mikey: Dude!

Miles: And I’m gonna be real…

Mikey: No!

Miles: About exactly what I’m doing.

Mikey: Don’t post this on social media.

Miles: No. [inspirational music playing on background] No more curation. I don’t care who knows what I’m doing right now. I’m gonna be real.

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Cut to pictures of Miles and Mikey in jail]

Male voice: Download Be Real today. Before a couple of months before it stops being fun.

Womens Talk Show

Ego Nwodim

Charlette… Cecily Strong

Dee-dee… Heidi Gardner

Maney… Aidy Bryant

Doctor… Owen Wilson

[Starts with the show intro]

[Cut to the show stage. There are four women sitting at the table.]

Ego: Welcome back to The Talking where we discuss everything that women can have an opinion about at EgoEgo:Dee-dee0 in the morning. Later, we’ll talk about Biden’s infrastructure bills, but first, Crock Pot lasagne. This sounds gross to me. Anyone else?

Charlette: You know, I have a question. What’s an air fryer? What is it?

Dee-dee: Ladies, if something’s fried, I won’t eat it.

Ego: Dee-dee, don’t talk like that.

Maney : Now look, as you all know, my husband is very well endowed, okay? And he actually cooks dinner for us and he loves the air fryer.

Charlette: Okay, here’s what I don’t get. How does air fry something? How does air make it fry?

Maney : Charlette, none of us know. And I don’t really love how you asked that.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Ego: Okay. Okay. Ladies, moving on, the stock market.

All: Hmm.

Dee-dee: I like it.

Charlette: See, I do too.

Maney : I don’t know if you ladies know this but–

Charlette: Don’t say it.

Maney : Well, you don’t know what I’m going to say.

Ego: Alright, go ahead.

Maney : Okay. My husband is very well endowed

Charlette: Yea, you just said that.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Ego: Ladies, please, enough. Enough.

[a doctor walks in]

Doctor: [to Dee-dee] Hello. I’m sorry. I need to inform you of your covid test results.

Dee-dee: Oh, hi. Here?

Doctor: Yes, ma’am. I just received them and this is where you are. So, I brought them here. I’m gonna have to confirm some information.

Dee-dee: Okay. Do we have to do this on air?

Doctor: Yea. It has to be on TV for HIPAA reasons. We either can’t tell anybody or have to tell everybody. No middle ground.

Dee-dee: Okay.

Doctor: Can I have your full name?

Dee-dee: Dee-dee Calresian.

Doctor: Correct. Date of birth.

Dee-dee: May EgoDee-deeth.

Doctor: May EgoDee-deeth what?

Dee-dee: Nineteen… eighty… two.

Ego: Damn Dee-dee, you’re younger than you look.

Dee-dee: Thanks! Wait. Hey!

Doctor: And what have you done in the last 72 hours?

Dee-dee: Like, in general?

Doctor: Yes.

Dee-dee: Came to work, googled myself. I don’t know.

Doctor: Very well. Unfortunately, your covid test came back positive. So, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me.

Dee-dee: No! Well, bye everybody.

Ego: Well, viewers, it looks like Dee-dee had a breakthrough case. It happens. Obviously we’ve all been vaccinated dozens, dozens, dozens of times.

Maney : Yeah, wow! Well, she is going to be sad to miss this next segment. Because today, we’re talking to the leader of the Vatican himself, the Pope.

Ego: No. Help me out here. Is it the Pope or da’ Pope?

Maney : I think it’s just Pope.

Charlette: I can’t keep up.

Ego: Well, look. In just a minute, Pope is gonna tell us about his foreign plans. Do you ladies switch your purse for fall? I don’t.

Charlette: I only switch for summer. Are we doing Halloween this year?

Maney : Yea, my tree’s up.

[Doctor walks in again]

Oh, okay. The man is back

Doctor: [to Maney ] Yea, ma’am, I need to speak with you to do some contact tracing. Have you been in contact with anyone who has had tested positive for covid in the past 72 hours?

Maney : Well, you just took Dee-dee away for having covid.

Doctor: Good memory. Can you confirm your name?

Maney : Yea. Maney Talkin.

Doctor: And your number of sexual partners?

Maney : Oh. Just one.

Doctor: Okay. That’s not what I have here.

Maney : I’m sorry. Could we go to commercial?

Charlette: Oh, they’re saying we ran out.

Maney : Of commercials?

Doctor: Well, the bad news is one of you ladies also tested positive but I understand you’re on live TV. So, I wanna be discreet about this. I think I’m just gonna put my hand on the head of the person who has covid.

[Doctor slowly puts his hand on Maney ‘s head]

Maney : Okay. Bye, everyone.

Ego: Wow! Well, this is very bizarre because I cannot stress enough how many times we’ve all been vaccinated.

Charlette: Countless times.

Ego: Well, let’s go on to our next topic, women buying their own engagement ring?

Charlette: I think the boy should buy it.

[The doctor walks in again and holds Charlette]

Well, sir?

Doctor: I’m sorry. We’re gonna have to remove you but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

Charlette: I’ve got covid?

Doctor: No. You have HPV.

Charlette: Does that mean I can’t be on TV?

Doctor: It does.

[Ego is alone on the table now]

Ego: Wow. Okay, well, looks like it’s just me now. Okay, wait, no. I’m getting word. Good news is they were false positives. Not the HPV though. See you next time!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on the Met Gala

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Last month MET Gala, a fund raising event at the Metropolitan Museum of Art where celebrities typically wear outrageous costumes was criticized by some as elitist. For more on this is someone who went to the Gala, Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Thank you. Thank you, Colin. So, Colin, how did you enjoy the MET?

Colin Jost: Oh, I actually didn’t go this year.

Pete Davidson: Really? So, wait! This isn’t you? [There’s a picture of someone wearing a full head mask on with sharp nails mohawk and a suit.] Who was I talking to all night?

Colin Jost: Did you have fun at the Gala?

Pete Davidson: Oh, it was amazing. [laughing] No, it was amazing. I got to go to the coolest even of the year and I can now say I’ve been in a museum.

Colin Jost: I did see some people were commenting on your outfit.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, I don’t know why. [there’s a picture of Pete Davidson on his MET Gala outfit.] That’s a cool dress. I look like James Bond at Quinceanera. I look like one of the three blind mice sold fentanyl. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Oh, don’t do that. No. But the truth is I already wear a dress or paint my nails sometimes, just because I like making my uncles uncomfortable.

Colin Jost: Yeah. What do they think of the outfit?

Pete Davidson: Well, my uncle Steve saw it. He was like, “Hey, I don’t get it. But whatever makes you happy. Alright? You’re still walking in my house. I’ll just put the seat down when you’re over.”

Colin Jost: So, he’s afraid that people will think you’re gay?

Pete Davidson: Yes. Just because I wore a dress. Meanwhile, here’s him at my age.

[There’s a picture of a guy who has a long curly hair and is wearing boxers and sleeveless shirt.]

That’s my uncle who’s worried I looked gay. Meanwhile, he grew up in the 80s which somehow the gayest and the most homophobic generation of all time. All the songs were about the boys and how they’re back in town. Also, his favorite movie is Top Gun. That’s as close to a movie about men being in love with each other as the 80s allowed. It’s like Brokeback in the sky. I just don’t get where guys his age are coming from. I mean, have you ever asked a man in his 40s or over 50 what they did for fun growing up? They’ll say, “Oh, we waited for our friends to pass out. Then we’d all take pictures of our balls in his face.” You know. “The men were men!”

Colin Jost: So, wait. Was your uncle actually upset?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, he was upset. But it doesn’t take much. He was just mad that Chris Pratt isn’t Italian but he’s playing Super Mario. I say why all anger at this Chris Pratt though? He’s a sweetheart. He’s a lovely guy. I mean what? You just make one bad movie and then people hate you? is that true, Colin? Did people hate you after Tom & Jerry? [laughter] No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. It was actually the perfect pandemic movie because it made sure there’d be no large gatherings at movie theaters.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, Pete Davidson–

Pete Davidson: Wait, I’m not done. Bring up my dress again. I got one more. [Picture of Pete Davidson at MET Gala appears] I look like Tilda Swinton on Casual Friday.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: I can’t believe I’m back.

Weekend Update Pays Tribute to Norm Macdonald

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Uganda have observed a chimpanzee masturbating with a plastic bottle. Once full, the bottle was capped and sold as Dasani. [Picture changes to Dasani]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eminem at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the opening day of Eminem’s new Detroit restaurant, the rapper surprised guests by serving them pasta himself. Not to be outdone, [picture changes to Macklemore wearing Olive Garden staff dress serving tea] Macklemore got fired from the Olive Garden.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Barack Obama has been criticized by Chicago residents who claim that his new presidential library will lead to gentrification. For me, it’s another painful reminder that Obama is half white.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Onlyfans logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Colorado woman who posts on Onlyfans said that praying before sex with her husband allows her to experience a threesome with god. A threesome that doesn’t end until thy kingdom comes.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Well guys, it is a bitter sweet night for us tonight.

Michael Che: Yes. On September 14th, our friend Norm Macdonald passed away.

Colin Jost: Right. Norm is the reason that I ever wanted to do Weekend Update and so tonight, we thought we turn the last few jokes of Update over to Norm.

[Cut to old videos of Norm Macdonald]

Norm Macdonald: Thanks. I’m Norm Macdonald and this is the Fake News. At the White House this week, president Clinton officially came out against same sex marriages. What’s more? The president said he is not too crazy about opposite sex marriages either.

A new airport plan for San Diego would actually be located three miles out in the pacific ocean. Built on 40xMichael Che0 ft. floating cylinders. It’s all part of a plan by city officials to have a huge disaster.

A French man who calls himself the Snake Man was arrested this week after climbing up the side of a Manhattan high rise. Yes, he climbed right up the side of a high rise… just like a snake.

In a brilliant move during closing argument Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on a knit cap prosecutor saying O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have heard his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey, easy with that. That’s my lucky stabbing hat.”

And that’s the way it is, folks. Goodnight and good luck.

Weekend Update NBA Vaccinations Disney World Turns 50

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of NBA logo and coronavirus vaccine with headline ‘Unvaccinated players not paid for missing games’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NBA announced that unvaccinated players will not be paid for any games missed due to local vaccine mandates. But that won’t matter. NBA players have a long proud history of losing money because they refuse to use protection.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Glad I didn’t tell that joke. A new study finds that young adults with depression have a higher risk of dementia later in life. Which explains Billy Eilish’s upcoming album, “Where am I?”

[Picture changes to a bucket of paint and a brush]

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record. The paint is so white, I am his favorite part of SNL.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of eggs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A group of online SLUS are trying to track down individual who has been pelting Chicago residents with raw eggs. So, good news, Chicago may finally be running out of bullets.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World castle]

This year marks the fifth year anniversary of Disney World. To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened a new ride ‘Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy’.

Weekend Update Democrats Delay Infrastructure Vote R Kelly Found Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar on October Michael Che0Michael Che0 page at left top corner.]

Very nice to be back with you. First show last season, covid was raging everywhere. There was no vaccine. We were in the middle of intense election. Just before we went on the air, the producers were like, “Hey, real quick. The president might be dying. Anyway, have fun out there.” It was exciting time for the show. Big story this year… Infrastructure. I guess that’s an improvement on survival of the human race level, but it’s not great for TV. So, we can all just pretend to be excited about this next joke. I’d really appreciate it.

[The picture changes to Capitol building]

The Infrastructure bill has been delayed indefinitely. So, I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when it collapses on top of us.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden met with house of democrats yesterday to make a case for his build back better budget plan. No matter what you think of Biden’s plan, you got to admire the confidence of a guy with a stutter naming something the Build Back Better budget plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden getting a vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden also got his covid booster shot at the White House live on camera and based on this photo, it either really hurt… or felt really good.

[Picture changes to logo o Pfizer]

Pfizer has also submitted data to the FDA to approve it’s covid vaccine for kids under 11, which means they could be vaccinated by Halloween. Because what goes better with Halloween than needles? [Picture changes to a chocolate bar having needles inside it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of MERCK capsules at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pharmaceutical company MERCK announced that it has developed an experimental antiviral pill that can treat people infected with covid. The treatment is just waiting for approval from either FDA or The Joe Rogan Experience.

[Picture changes to R. Kelly]

Singer R. Kelly was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking this week but won’t be sentenced until next May. After R. Kelly’s lawyers successfully negotiated, one more school year. In the wake of the R. Kelly verdict, there’s a growing movement online to music streaming services to remove his music. I mean after all, streaming is basically what got him in trouble in the first place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cross and a vaccine.]

Welcome back, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s hard to transition out of that. Well, some catholics– [audience laughing] Some catholics around the country are claiming religious exemption to the covid vaccine. Because there’s nothing more catholic than letting someone else die for your sins.

 

Weekend Update A Black Woman Whos Been Missing for Ten Years

Colin Jost

Missing black woman… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost:  Well, there’s been a lot of media coverage about a missing woman from Long Island, with some calling it another example of missing white woman syndrome since minority women are rarely given the same attention. Here with her thoughts is a black woman who has been missing for ten years.

[Missing black woman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome. Welcome.

Missing black woman: It’s good to be here, Colin. Honestly, it’s good to be anywhere because I had been missing, okay? It’s so frustrating. There was a white woman who went missing the same time as me and look at the photo they put out of her. [A picture of a white lady appears] Just gorgeous. Hair and make up all done. Make up, nails, all of that. Now, look at the photo they used for me. [A picture of Missing black woman appears and it’s not a good picture.] Who the hell wants to find that? Huh? I look like old dirty bastard’s dirtiest sister. And look at the white lady’s reward. $10,000. That’s a new car. Now, check out the reward for me. A $15 gift card for Chili’s Too. You got to go to an airport to use that, Colin. They’re offering chips and guacamole to find a human soul. It’s not right. And this is the worst part. At the top of my photo, they put ‘Wanted’. I’m not wanted. I’m missing! If I was wanted, I probably wouldn’t be missing. Plus the white girl got amber alert. Oh boy, every iPhone in the room started beeping and buzzing. They only put out my disappearance on Cricket Wireless. And if you opened the alert, it charged you $2.99.

Colin Jost: That is rough.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: And how are you treated by the media?

Missing black woman: Not great. The newspaper headline about her disappearance was on the front page, okay? And it said “White virginal dime piece ripped from the hands of her loving, still married parents.” Not exactly sure why they needed to flaunt their marriage on missing person section. Well, okay. And mine was on page C-15 and that one read “Girl not home for 40 days, probably nothing, family cool with it.”

Colin Jost: That’s by the Obituaries.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Now, do you think that the media has to recognize its own bias in this?

Missing black woman: Oh, it’s not just the media, Colin. Even in the movies, black women can’t get attention. White women had “Gone Girl”, “Gone Baby Gone”, “Where In The World Did That Gone Girl Go?” The best black woman got was “Madea’s Witness Protection”.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. Yes.

Missing black woman: And do you remember “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”?

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Missing black woman: Yeah, that was three billboards for one white girl. All I got was a flyer at McDonald’s that said “You’ve seen this bitch? Either way, we good.”

Colin Jost: Well, I would just like to say that here in Weekend Update, we pledge all we speak up for those without voices.

Missing black woman: Okay. Because yesterday your co-anchor posted [picture of Michael Che’s Insta post appears] “What did R. Kelly even do?”

Michael Che: What did he do? I mean, you don’t want to answer.

Colin Jost: A black woman who’s been missing for 10 years, everyone.

Missing black woman: Ya’ll haven’t even asked my name.

Colin Jost: What is your name?

Missing black woman: Dont!