Weekend Update- Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham

Colin Jost

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

Stedman Graham… Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: After her claimed Golden Globe speech, Oprah Winfrey is considering running for president. Oprah’s long time partner Stedman Graham added to the rumors when he said the she would absolutely. Here to explain are Oprah and Stedman.

[Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham slide in]

Oprah Winfrey: Hello, America.

Stedman Graham: Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. What she say.

Colin Jost: Alright. Let’s just start with this. Oprah, are you running?

Oprah Winfrey: Colin, I thought about it for a while.

Stedman Graham: Long time.

Oprah Winfrey: And I’d love to give you an answer.

Stedman Graham: Here it comes.

Oprah Winfrey: But I don’t know.

Stedman Graham: Nah. No answer today.

Oprah Winfrey: This is America. Running for political office is tough.

Stedman Graham: So, we’re not doing it.

Oprah Winfrey: But it would be worth it to serve my country.

Stedman Graham: Which is why we’re gonna do it.

Colin Jost: Now, Oprah, you’re already very powerful.

[Stedman Graham laughing hard]

Stedman Graham: You don’t even know.

Colin Jost: Why would you ever do this?

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll tell you, Colin. I need to get white women back on track.

Stedman Graham: Get them back on track, white women.

Oprah Winfrey: Ever since I’ve been off the air, they’ve gotten out of control. They voted for Trump.

Stedman Graham: Why?

Oprah Winfrey: They voted for Roy Moore

Stedman Graham: Yeah.

Oprah Winfrey: They kept twelve different shows about flipping houses on air. It’s a mess.

Stedman Graham: It’s a mess.

Oprah Winfrey: Somebody needs to look these women into eye and say, “You deserve my three favorite things.” Love.

Stedman Graham: Um-hmm.

Oprah Winfrey: Respect.

Stedman Graham: That’s right.

Oprah Winfrey: And a new panini maker. [pointing at the audience] You get a panini. You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: You too.

Oprah Winfrey: You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: At least three of y’all get paninis.

Oprah Winfrey: Who else is going to do that for them?

Stedman Graham: Nobody, that’s who.

Oprah Winfrey: I’m the only woman in America who is on first name basis with Dr. Phil…

Stedman Graham: Doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: Dr. Oz…

Stedman Graham: Another doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: And Dr. Dre.

Stedman Graham: That’s the whole medical community.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. I understand. I’m sure you would be great but some people are saying that we don’t even know there’s celebrity president.

Oprah Winfrey: And I certainly understand that.

Stedman Graham: Yeah. That’s a good point.

Oprah Winfrey: But I disagree.

Stedman Graham: So, you’re wrong, Colin. Very mistaken.

Colin Jost: Now, if Oprah was president, can I ask what would your role be, Stedman?

Stedman Graham: Who? Me? You got a question for me? No one has ever asked me a question before. [clears throat] Okay, well my role would be simple. I’m gonna be the first Stedman.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And what does that mean?

Stedman Graham: TBD. We’ll see what happens.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think you’ll both be great. Oprah, is there anyone out there who you think could beat you?

Oprah Winfrey: Yes. There’s one thing in my life that’s been able to beat me. Bread. All my life, I’ve lost a bread. Please. Don’t make me run against bread. I hate bread.

Colin Jost: Oprah and Stedman, everyone.

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll let you know soon.

Stedman Graham: I’ll let you know after she lets you know.

Weekend Update- LaVar Ball on Sons LaMelo and LiAngelo

Michael Che

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, 1.6 million people watched on Facebook as LaVar Ball’s sons LiAngelo and LaMelo made their debut for Basketball team at Lithuania. Here to comment is LaVar Ball.

[LaVar Ball slides in] [cheers and applause]

LaVar Ball: Yeah. Yeah. Triple B. How you doing, Michael? Me? I’m magnificent.

Michael Che: You’re in the good mood.

LaVar Ball: Why shouldn’t I be? I’m an internet sensation. I’m a multi-billionaire.

Michael Che: Alright. You’re not.

LaVar Ball: I own 16 Toyota Corollas. And I’m the only man in history to out pizza the hut. Never lost.

Michael Che: And you just got back from the Lithuania?

LaVar Ball: You damn right. I flew all the way. Business economy. Middle seat. One hotel room to share. The only hotel in Lithuania is in the back of the soup restaurant. Never not smell like cabbage. Never not a cabbage.

Michael Che: Never not the cabbage. So, just to be clear, you took 19 year old LiAngelo out of college and 16 year old LaMelo out of high school to play Eastern Europe basketball? I mean, were they okay with that?

LaVar Ball: Man, they living the dream, Michael. I told em’, “Pack up your things. We moving up. I’m taking you out of this dump called Los Angeles. And we’re going to pray new. Where the forecast is always a crisp, -2 degrees celsius. And a 100% chance of freezing rain. Never dry. Never dry.”

Michael Che: And you think the Lithuania league is good training to play in NBA?

LaVar Ball: Absolutely. I love the Lithuanian league. All white team mates. Nobody above 140 pounds.

Michael Che: Oh, man!

LaVar Ball: Vitamin deficiencies. Soft teeth. All layups. No dunks. Perfect training for the NBA. I love it. Every night the crowd of 61 people just goes wild. Cheering and waving wooden spoons in the air.

Michael Che: Alright. But, your Big Baller company has been having some problems lately. I saw you got an F from the Better Business Bureau.

LaVar Ball: [squeaky voice] Man, don’t you talking bout no Better Business F rating Bureau. I told my kids that F stands for phenomenal. And yes, my kids are home schooled. Never taught them.

Michael Che: You know, the word is you’re getting a lot of complaints from customers.

LaVar Ball: Well, that don’t matter. Coz I just launched a first Big Baller product in Lithuania. And it’s selling millions. Fresh from the wild streets of business. It’s called Beats by LaVar.

Michael Che: Oh! So, the headphones?

LaVar Ball: No, no. They’re just Beats from the ground with the roots still on. They so baller, they make your dookie redder than Santa Clause.

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh, my god.

LaVar Ball: Order your’s today and it will arrive between one and 11 months.

Michael Che: LaVar Ball everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Aidy Bryant

Colin Jost

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin JostColin Jost: It was reported this week that Mark Wahlberg was paid $1.5 million for the reshoots of the movie ‘All The Money In The World’ while his co-star Michelle Williams made only $80 a day. Here to comment is Aidy Bryant.

[Aidy Bryant slides in]

Aidy Bryant: Whoo. Hi, Colin. Hey.

Colin Jost: How are you? Thanks for being here. Thanks for doing this.

Aidy Bryant: Oh. Thank you for having me. And I’m sorry I rolled out here kind of weird. Did I ruin it?

Colin Jost: No. Of course you didn’t ruin anything. There’s nothing to apologize for.

Aidy Bryant: Oh. I know. I just do that. You know. I t’s kind of my natural state because I, like most girls, have been taught to be accommodating and polite. Like, once, I felt bad about telling an Uber driver that he made a wrong turn and so I just went with him to New Jersey.

Colin Jost: Wow. So, what does that have to do with Michelle Williams?

Aidy Bryant: Well, I guess I just understand the impulse to be accommodating, you know? Like, I easily could have been in Michelle William’s position. I mean, not in the position of being in a movie. I have only been in one movie and it was Spiderman 1 and I had one line and it was uncredited. Although, I was recently offered the role of fat ugly prison who brings inmates sex and cake. And that’s real.

Colin Jost: God, wow. What do you think of the public response to the story?

Aidy Bryant: Well, everyone’s talking about how women should negotiate harder and ask for more money. And that’s true. And I really think women are ready to do that. But I feel like maybe, just maybe, men could be just like [showing a tiny amount using her fingers] this much more dees. You know?

Colin Jost: Little dees? Like, decent?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Yeah. I wanna say decent but I’m trying to keep it like, cool and chill so I don’t come off like a shrew.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you’re saying we kind of need to find like, a middle ground. Right?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Well, equal pay is the goal. But, at this point, I’d be happy to just even gain like, a couple of yards. And yes, that’s a straight up sports reference for da’ boys.

Colin Jost: Very cool. Yeah.

Aidy Bryant: All that I’m saying is if I’m going to be more like, Mark Wahlberg, then maybe Mark Wahlberg can take a little trip inside my brain. Which is just a tornado of “Are you okay? Is she okay? I’m sorry. Here’s $50.”

Colin Jost: So, you think people should act more like that?

Aidy Bryant: No, Colin. No one should act like this. It’s the prison of the mind.

Colin Jost: Well, Mark Wahlberg did announce that he is donating his salary from the reshoots to the time’s up legal fund.

Aidy Bryant: Yes. And that’s great. That’s the right thing to do. But it would be so cool if it didn’t take a week long public shaming to do the right thing. Maybe do it daily private shaming which is what I have done my entire damn life.

Colin Jost: That sounds like some very good advice, Aidy. Yes.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Well, to quote Kate Yeager, Mark Wahlberg’s character from Transformers, “I think we just found a transformer.” I’m sorry, that’s the wrong quote. It was, um, “You gotta have faith, Prime, in who we can be.” See, Colin? We can all be transformers.

Colin Jost: Aidy Bryant, everyone.

Aidy Bryant: I love you. I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: Don’t apologize.

Weekend Update on H&M’s “Monkey” Hoodie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of H&M logo and a sweatshirt at right top corner.]

Michael Che: H&M has apologized after using a black child to model a sweatshirt with a logo “Coolest monkey in the jungle.” Worse, the shirt was made by [Picturechanges to an asian kid wearing “saddest child in the sweatshop” sweatshirt] the saddest child in the sweatshop. I said worse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bannon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Steve Bannon announced that he will be stepping down from Breitbart news although technically he’s not stepping down so much as he’s sliding away in a trail of mucus.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

It was reported that back in December, president Trump during the meeting in the oval office referred to a member of the staff as a ‘Pretty Korean lady’. Worse, it was Jared Kushner.

Weekend Update on Fire and Fury

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of the book ‘Fire and Fury’ by Michael Wolff at left top corner.]

The book Fire and Fury, a salacious expose of the Trump White House was released last week. And then this week, the sequal wrote itself. [Picture changes to the same book, but the title is ‘S—hole countries’.] [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

During an oval office meeting, Trump attacked protections for immigrants from African countries which he called S-holes. That’s what NBC asked us to say, by the way. S hole. Even though the president can say shit hole. Oops! I feel bad at this point for parents with young children. Every word you tell your kid not to say, they can be like, “But the president gets to say it.” The most insane thing is that Trump has said all of this racist stuff right before Martin Luther King day. Which is like pounding a case of beer on your way to rehab. Now, I’m just worried about what he’s gonna say the day before passover.

Trump also said that instead, we should take more immigrants from countries like Norway. And Norweigians were like, “America? We’re not going to that shatter oven.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Can I be honest? When someone asks me, “Did you hear what Donald Trump called Haiti in Africa?” I was like, “Oh, boy. Did it start with an N?” But then I heard what he said and I was like, “That’s it?” I’ve said that about countries for not having CBS. Here’s the thing. My job is to make jokes about the news. But Trump saying something racist isn’t exactly news anymore. It’d be news if Trump said, “You know what we need more in this country? Hasians.”

And by the way, he’s not the only one here that thinks like that. I’ve lived in this country my entire life and I’ve been asked to go back to Africa several times. And it has never been because they thought I enjoy it there.

[Picture changes to a map of Africa]

But Donald, you do realize how rich these places are in resources, right? I mean, they’re in bad shape because they’ve been robbed and exploited for centuries by western powers. So, the president of the United States calling Africa a shit hole is like telling the kid you molested, “Boy, did you grow up to be weird.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that just before the election last year, president Trump’s personal lawyer arranged a six figure payment to cover up an alleged affair between Trump and porn star Stormy Daniels. So, at least there’s one storm Trump will pay for. Now, let me just say what a thrill it is to be alive in a time where a porn star blackmails president is like the forth biggest story of the week. At this rate in a year from now, we’re gonna see the headline, “Trump found with dead hooker” right next to the crossword puzzle.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At a cabinet meeting on Thursday, president Trump called for toughening the country’s liable laws to make it easier for people to sue media outlets for making false claims. Let’s take a listen.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at the meeting]

Donald Trump: Can’t say things that are false. Knowingly false. And be able to smile as money pores into your bank account.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: And with a straight face. His lack of self awareness is almost adorable. And again, he’s not totally wrong about this. He’s just the worst possible person to point this out to us. He lies all the time. It’s like listening to OJ complain about the loopholes in the justice system.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and

Colin Jost: In a press conference, president Trump said it seems unlikely he would have to be interviewed by Robert Mueller as part of the Russia probe because “they have no collusion.” It’s almost like I’ve heard him say that before.

[Cut different video clips of to Donald Trump saying “There is no collusion’ at different speeches.] [Cut to Colin Jost]

He says “No collusion” the way a dumb ass frat guy says “No homo.” So, I met up with a Russian guy the other night. No collusion. Also, just repeating a phrase over and over again doesn’t make it true. For example, ever since Trump got elected, half the country has been repeating the phrase, “This can’t be happening.” And yet, somehow it is.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Un and Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a new interview, president Trump said that his tweets antagonizing Kim Jong-Un are part of his strategy saying, “You see that a lot with me. Then all of a sudden, somebody is my best friend.” It’s a strategy experts are calling, “Early on set dementia.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and a caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Speaking of dementia, Trump underwent a physical exam on Friday and a staff released a statement announcing that Trump is in “excellent health.” That’s right. This guy, president drum stick is in excellent health. [Picture changes to Donald Trump enjoying kFC drum sticks] I think I wanna see the full medical report because unless it’s chart says “Blood type: Thick,” I’m skeptical.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oprah at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After Oprah went for Golden Globe speech, many in the public are calling for a run at the presidency in 2020. Argh! Can’t we just have a regular run for a while? Just a regular boring old white dude president that smiles and shape shifts into a lizard at night? I’m tired of all these fun ideas for president. I miss boring politics. I miss when people would ask me, “Hey, did you hear what the president said?” and I’d be like, [annoyed voice] “No.”

Weekend Update Christopher Columbus statue

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of statue of Christopher Columbus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York City Commission on Monuments has decided that statues of controversial historical figures such as Christopher Columbus will not be torn down because it’s just not what we care about this week.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of GM logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: General motors announced that it’s making a line of self driving cars that has no steering wheel, no gas or break pedals, no windows, and it’s a coffin.

[Picture changes to a toilet bowl.]

Kohler has introduced a new toilet that can be flushed by voice command. So, get ready to hear your co-worker in the next stall yelling, “Flush! Please, flush. For the love of god, flush!”

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [looking at Colin Jost] It was just one time.

Tucci Gang

Lil Pump… Pete Davidson

Stanley Tucci

[Starts with Lil Pump and Sam Rockwell getting out of a Lamborghini.] [Instrumental music of ‘Gucci Gang’ by Lil’ Pump playing]

Lil Pump: Yo! Lil Pump. Sam Rockwell. There’s a certain guy. He’s a character actor we both love. He’s very under appreciated. This is for our boy Stanley. [There’s a picture of Stanley Tucci]

Esketit!

[rapping] Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang
some of you don’t know the name
but that’s that guy from the Hunger Games
Transformers, the last night
Beauty and the Beast, and Spotlight
writer and director of Big Night
Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang 

Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang
some of you don’t know the name
but that’s that guy from the Hunger Games
married Felicity Blunt
sister of Emily Blunt
my man two chins with a blunt

Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang 

32 years in the biz
I’mma big fan of his
I got my respect for his range
He should have been Doctor Strange

The Devil wears Prada was sick
if you don’t like Stan, your’e a dick
he adds value to your flick
if you don’t like Stan, you a bitch

He did two movies with Streep
I wanna name my son Tucci
did you know my man had a cookbook?
and he was the co-owner of a restaurant

Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang
some of you don’t know the name
but that’s that guy from the Hunger Games
Transformers, the last night
Beauty and the Beast, and Spotlight
writer and director of Big Night
Tucci Gang Tucci Gang Tucci Gang 

Science Show

Mr. Science… Sam Rockwell

Lony… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with PBS Kids show schedule]

Female voice: You’re watching PBS Kids. At twelve, it’s ‘Math Bus’, followed by ‘Grammar Bus.’ But first, a classic 1996 episode of ‘The Science Room with Mr. Science.’

[Cut to The Science Room video bumper] [Cut to Mr. Science in his science lab. He is looking at a skeleton.]

Mr. Science: What a bone head. Hey, junior scientists. Today in the science room, we’re discussing a very important matter. Matter. [Mr. Science walks to Lony and Josh] And helping me today are two student scientists, Lony and Josh. How are you guys doing today?

Josh: Kind of nervous.

Lony: Nervous.

Mr. Science: Well, don’t be nervous. Besides, it’s fun, right? High-five. [Mr. Science gives his hand to Josh but Josh doesn’t high-five him back] Okay. These guys are gonna help with some experiments involving matter. And there are three phases of matter. Liquid, [holds a glass of water] like this water. Solid like this table. Lony, you know the third one?

Lony: Um, water?

Mr. Science: No. Josh?
Josh: Um.

Mr. Science: Liquid? Josh?

Josh: The table.

Mr. Science: No. Remember, the table is solid. Here’s a hint. Sometimes you can’t even see it.

Lony: Behind me?

Mr. Science: No. Last guess. Josh?

Josh: Science?

Mr. Science: It’s gas. It’s gad.

Lony: Oh, yes. Gas.

Mr. Science: Our first experiment is easy to do at home. All you need is some vegetable oil. [Lony and Josh try to hold the vegetable oil bottle that’s on the table] Don’t do that. A glass of water. [Lony and Josh try to hold the glass of water that’s on the table] No need. What are you doing? And some… [Lony and Josh try to hold the food color that’s on the table] Okay. Stop. And some food coloring. Some food coloring to put in the water. Lony, Josh, what do you think will happen when I pour the oil into the water?

Lony: It will explode.

Mr. Science: What? No. Josh?

Josh: Um, nothing.

Mr. Science: Well, something has to happen. Oil is less dense than water. So, do you think it will sink or float?

Josh: The water or the oil?

Mr. Science: Oil.

Josh: Oh, then the water?

Lony: Oh, I think it’s the oil.

Mr. Science: Let’s just do the experiment. Helpers, remind the kids at home what the science room’s number one rule is.

Lony: Um, oh, don’t like– don’t let touch me under my clothes.

Mr. Science: What? No. No. I mean, yeah, of course that’s the rule. But that’s not the main rule. The answers have fun. That was really upsetting. Okay, come on. Get close and look here. [Lony and Josh get too close to the glass] Too close. Too close. Too close. [Lony and Josh move back] Now, I’m gonna pour the oil–

Lony: No, it’s gonna explode.

[Lony and Josh hide under the table]

Mr. Science: No. It’s not going to explode. Come back, guys. Not gonna explode. Here comes the oil. [Mr. Science puts the oil in the water] Okay, now, watch the oil.

[Josh picks the bottle of oil and looks at it]

No, not that oil, Josh. I just poured the oil into the water. The oil is–

Josh: False.

Mr. Science: This isn’t a true or false, Josh.

Lony: True.

Mr. Science: You can’t be this… stupid. I’m sorry. No. Kids aren’t stupid. Just say what you see, okay? Say what you see.

Lony: What you see.

Mr. Science: Come on. Are you kidding me? Just look at it. The oil went down into the water. Then it went back to the–

Josh: Future?

Mr. Science: No. It floated back–

Josh: To the future part two?

Mr. Science: No. I’m pointing to it. Where is it? And do not say back to the future part three. The oil went back–

Lony: To the future part three?

Mr. Science: [yelling] To the top. [Mr. Science throws the glass away angrily] The top. I wish it would explode so I get you– you guys– explode your faces until you work it out with me. [calmly] Okay, we’re gonna take a short break so I can calm down, and we’ll be right back.

Josh: To the future.

[Mr. Science punches Josh down]

Sam Rockwell Monologue

Sam Rockwell

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Rockwell.

[Sam Rockwell walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Sam Rockwell: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. Thank you very much. My name is Sam Rockwell. Now, most of you probably know me as that guy from that movie. You know, I’m talking about not the main guy but the other guy. And when you see him, you’re like, “Oh, this guy. I like this guy. He’s pretty good.” But thank you. That’s me.

[cheers and applause]

I’ve been a working actor for over 30 years and I’ve got in to disappearing to many great roles but– and just last week, the worst thing that could ever happen to a character actor happened to me. I won an award and [cheers and applause] — yeah. And I said, “Whoa! Am I a big ass honking movie star now? Did I just go from actor to big as deal?” Yeah, I know. I’m just as surprised as you are. I mean, I was a character actor all my life and now I might actually just go full leading man. Yeah, I might as well start right now.

[band playing music] [Sam Rockwell starts dancing] [singing] a little less conversation, little more action please
all this aggravation in expecting of me

[A red carpet rolls to Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell starts walking and dancing on the red carpet. The dancers come to him.]

Hey, who are these guys?

[Sam Rockwell continues dancing and walking towards the backstage hallway]

Whoo! Ninjas? [Two ninjas walk in.] Hey, come on! [Sam Rockwell beats the two ninjas.] Hey, alright!

[Sam Rockwell then walks out of the door. There is a paparazzi.] [Sam Rockwell walks into Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, Sam Rockwell. I see you’re a leading man now. Just in time, [points a gun on Sam Rockwell’s face] to die. [Sam Rockwell takes the gun away and holds Cecily Strong by her waist] Oh, Sam. [Sam Rockwell is trying to kiss Cecily Strong] Oh, we can’t do kissing scenes anymore. We had a whole HR meeting about it.

[Cecily Strong walks out. Leslie Jones walks in.]

Leslie Jones: Ha-ha. Ah. [Leslie Jones holds Sam Rockwell tight] Now, you know I didn’t go to that meeting.

[Leslie Jones kisses Sam Rockwell]

Whoo!

[Leslie Jones holds a rose by her teeth and starts dancing with Sam Rockwell]

You better not tell HR.

[Sam Rockwell pushes Leslie Jones out of the exit door.] [Sam Rockwell meets Colin Jost]

Sam Rockwell: Colin Jost?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, man. Break a leg tonight.

Sam Rockwell: You break one.

[Sam Rockwell kicks Cecily Strong out through the door.] [Sam Rockwell meets Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Sam, well, you’re a big ass deal.

Sam Rockwell: Hey. So are you. Wanna dance?

Kate McKinnon: Sure.

[Sam Rockwell and Kate McKinnon dance and walk forward]

Wow, I can’t believe it.

[They run into ninjas again and beat them.]

Go, get em’ baby. I got it.
Sam Rockwell: Thanks baby.

[Sam Rockwell wears a magician hat and holds a magic stick. Then he walks to the SNL stage and stands on cameraman’s crane.]

Come on, come on. Hey, come on. Yeah. Let’s make this damn good. Let’s have a good time. Come on.

[There are backup dancers on the stage. Sam Rockwell walks to the stage and dances with them.] [music stops]

We got a great show. Halsey is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Peter Pan

Kyle Mooney

Captain Hook… Sam Rockwell

Peter Pan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a book “Peter Pan” opening.] [Cut to a ship where there are pirates and four hostages tied to a pole]

Kyle: We are on tie right now, Hook. Peter Pan is sure to catch wind of your plan. And when he dies, you’ll be sorry.

Captain Hook: Peter Pan, Peter Pan. Peter Pan can offer you the lost boys half there is as I can. Join me in my pirate and a life of adventure will be your’s forever.

[music playing] [Captain Hook starts dancing]

Pirates: [singing] Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
you’ll love a life of a thief

You’ll relish the life of a crook
And you’ll get treasures by the ton
Join up with Captain Hook!

Hostage: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Captain Hook: That’s right, boys. Now you’re part of crew.

Pete: So, what do we do first? Loot some treasure?

Mikey: The lost boys are here to serve you.

Captain Hook: Hmm. Before we get to the main pirate stuff, let me ask you a question.

Mikey: What is it, Mr. Hook?

Captain Hook: Is this weird?

Luke: Is what weird?

Captain Hook: Just… I don’t know. The fact that I’m sort of encouraging all these young guys to hang out with my boat. Just from an optic stand point. Is that gonna look weird?

Pete: I don’t think it’s weird. I think it’s fun.

Captain Hook: Well, I think it’s fun too. I’m having a great time. But, it’s just that in today’s climate, does this good really, really bad?

Mikey: No, it’s exciting.

Captain Hook: You say that now but how about when you grow up?

Luke: But we won’t grow up. We can’t.

Pete: Yeah. We’re in these pre-teen boy bodies forever.

Kenan: I’m gonna go.

Captain Hook: Huh? Where are you going?

Kenan: I’m not gonna make a big deal about it. Just gonna go ahead and get out of here. Yeap.

[Kenan jumps out of the ship.]

Captain Hook: Oh, my god! It is weird. It is weird. Hey, do you think it’s weird?

Beck: I’m okay so far.

Mikey: What are you so worried about, Mr. Hook?

Captain Hook: I just don’t want anyone to misinterpret my motives here.

Luke: Well, what are you motives?

Captain Hook: I just think boys are fun. They have youthful energy and they are up for anything.

Pete: Yeah. Like, in a harmless Michael Jackson way.

Beck: Okay, I’m out too. Forward my check, okay?

[Beck jumps out of the ship too.]

Captain Hook: Oh, god! No!

Mikey: Don’t worry, Mr. Hook. We’ll never say anything bad about you.

Captain Hook: Then what are you going to say? Let’s practice.

Pete: I don’t know. Just that we hang around in dirty pajamas and party with older guys  with earrings.

Kyle: Yeah. Kind of like a Bryan singer pool party vibe.

Captain Hook: Okay, okay. Can I just say for the record that if you guys never grow up, you can technically be 40 years old and I would have no idea.

Mikey: I’m 14.

Luke: I’m 10.

Pete: I’m a tall nine.

Kyle: I’m 36. So, I’m realizing I’m also in sort of a weird spot right now.

Captain Hook: Oh my god!

[Peter Pan jumps into the ship]

Hostages: Peter!

Peter Pan: Well, well, you very bad man. [showing Captain Hook his small knife]

Captain Hook: Oh my god. What have you had?

Peter Pan: All I know is it’s time for one of our special sword fights. I know mine is smaller than your’s but I’ll still stick it in you.

Captain Hook: That’s it for me. The ship’s your’s. Consider this hush money.

[Captain Hook also jumps out of the ship] [The hostages and Peter Pan start celebrating] [Cut to the book closing]