Weekend Update- Putin’s Best Friends from Growing Up Return

Michael Che

Vanessa Bayer

Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: US intelligence officials now believe that Vladimir Putin personally oversaw the cyber attack on the democrats before the election. Here to defend them are Vladimir Putin’s best friends from growing up.

[Michael Che and Fred slide in]

Vanessa: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, Putin hacked into our electoral system, and that’s got to be a new low in diplomacy. But you guys are best friends with him?

Fred: Oh, he is the best.

Vanessa: Yeah, we love him. He’s like, a great leader.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: He has been leading for a long time. He’s focused, He’s disciplined.

Vanessa: Yeah, he’s such a hard worker. [soft voice] I will say he can be pretty petty. Okay, so he has this holiday party and on the invite, it says in bold letter, it says, “No gifts please.” So we show up and he goes, “Arriving empty handed, are we?” “You said no gifts!”

Fred: [soft voice] So, like, he points to us, right? With his thumb. And he rolls his eyes. Right? He turns to the room and he goes, “These cheapskates are here, hide your purses.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] first of all, that not only implies that we are cheap, but that we steal?

Fred: [soft voice] It said on the invitation not to bring anything.

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having a hard to hearing you guys. I mean, are you saying that he turns on people?

Vanessa: [normal voice] No, no, no. We love him. He’s like, our best friend. He’s so unique.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: Like, he loves retro things. He collects fun vintage sodas. He’s like a nerd.

Vanessa: He’s such a nerd about it.

Fred: I will say [soft voice] he is very weird about money and then he keeps saying he’s not weird about money. So I’m like, “Why are you bringing it up?” So, walking to the party, okay.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Okay, first thing, he goes, “Hey, can you guys play some music? Because I dind’t want to shell out money for a DJ.” We go, “What?”

Fred: [soft voice] So… why are we working at your party?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah, you’re gonna make us work at your party?

Fred: [soft voice] Like, Russia can get you a DJ, you know?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah.

Fred: [soft voice] So he comes around, he’s like, “Okay, hey everyone.” Goes out and comes back and, “We got a t-shirt for everyone. Merry Christmas.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re like flimsy.

Fred: [soft voice] And like itchy.

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re all the same size. So I got up to him and say, “Can I have a smaller size?” And he goes, “No, it was cheaper just to order all size larges.”

Fred: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president of a major nation.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president.

Fred: [soft voice] Get different sizes!

Vanessa: [soft voice] Splurge. And he says, “Sorry it doesn’t fit. Maybe you can put it over your face when you go on a date.”

Fred: [soft voice] What is your problem?

Vanessa: [soft voice] You’re gonna invited us and then you’re gonna insult us? What?

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Alright, wait. First off, you’ve got to speak up. Please. I can’t hear. Also, do you understand how serious these accusations against Putin are? I mean he’s literally threatening the American political system.

Fred: [normal voice] I mean, honestly, he’s very dedicated, He’s strong, He’s brave. And Michael, he’s a fan of you.

Vanessa: He loves you.

Fred: He loves you.

Vanessa: He really says such nice things about you.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: [soft voice] So, we go to the party. And we just say, “You know what? We’re going to head out.” Let me take off.

Vanessa: [soft voice] He goes, “You guys had a problem with me as soon as you walked in here. You didn’t ask me how my day was.”

Fred: [soft voice] “I have been dealing with all the hacking stuff, and Siberia is so cold.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] “So cold.”

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Okay. I can barely hear you. But it sounds like you don’t actually like Putin.

Fred: [normal voice] No, it’s just that it’s very complicated.

Vanessa: It’s kind of like how you feel about Colin Jost.

Michael Che: Oh, no, no, no, no. I love Colin. [soft voice] I will say that [starts whispering with Vanessa and Fred]

Vanessa and Fred: Michael Che, everyone!

Weekend Update on Russia Hacking the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, Donald Trump is about a month away from his inauguration and people are starting to notice some red flags.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

At a press conference on Friday, president Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect [picture changes to Tom Brady] Tom Brady to tell ref, “Hey, let me try that touchdown pass again. The ball was deflated.” I guess Donald Trump was acting like a Patriot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of FBI and CIA logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, the FBI backed up the CIA and the White House in their conclusion that Russia interfered in the US election. Yet somehow, Trump keeps defending Russia despite all the evidence. It’s like right after Pearl Harbor, FDR had said, “We don’t know it was Japan. It could have been just some fat guy on a couch somewhere.” President Obama claimed that the Russian hacker stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to “cut it out.” I’m not sure you’re gonna strike fear in the heart of an evil dictator with [Picture changes to Dave Coulier] Uncle Joey’s catch phrase from Full House.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of US map with states colored blue or red according to it’s majority votes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The electoral college is voting on Monday and it would take 37 members to change their votes to cost Donald Trump the election. That’s right, only 37 people stand in the way of Civil Wars: Episode II. The only thing scarier to me than Donald Trump becoming president is Donald Trump not being allowed to become president. Taking the presidency away from Donald Trump now is like giving a monkey a machine gun and then trying to wrestle it back from him. At this point, all we can do is just pray that he can’t figure out how it works, gets bored and puts it down and walks away.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I should point out that the electoral college was first proposed by Alexander Hamilton as a check against a misguided popular vote. So it’s pretty ironic that because of Hamilton, a black guy [picture changes to Barack Obama] is getting recast as a white guy.[Picture changes to Donald Trump] [Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Obama this week said that democrats are falsely characterized as coastal liberal latte sipping out of touch folks. Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I gotta say it was pretty sad seeing Obama hold a press conference for maybe his last time. it was like his farewell concert. He’s going through all his greatest hits. The climate deal, Obamacare, reducing unemployment. I got so into it, I started calling out my favorite Obama hits. I was like, “Hey, do ‘Killing Osama’.” And that whole time he didn’t even bring up that he was the first black president which if you look at history is not that easy to do. That alone has earned him a place on every black family’s wall, right next to Martin Luther King and Perm Jesus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump met with Kanye West at Trump Tower this week. I assume the nominee Kanye for a newly creative post, secretary of humbleness. He then said that he and Trump discussed what Kanye described as multi cultural issues. Multi cultural issues is also how Kanye describes his wife’s family.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of trump visiting his visitors at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump must feel like don Corleone. I mean, everybody’s taking meetings, asking him favors. Right now, Chris Christie is sitting in Trump Tower lobby practicing his lines like Luca Brazzi. “And may your first term be a masculine term.” But do we really need to know about everybody Trump meets? I mean the media wants to find tooth comb Trump’s dealings with Putin, I get that. But when he’s meeting washed up football players and rappers fresh out of the puzzle factory, I don’t need that information. I mean, what would have Kanye West and Donald Trump meeting even be? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kanye West] It’s like those old cartoons when Scooby Doo meets with the Harlem Globetrotters, and you’re like, “Why? How would that even help? What will that do?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rex Tillerson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump officially announced that he is nominating Exxon Mobile CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of state. Trump chose the Exxon CEO because he was three cents cheaper than the Chevron CEO across the street.

[Picture changes to

In 2013, Putin awarded Tillerson the order of friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact, the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jackie Evancho at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that in Trump’s inauguration, the national anthem will be performed by Jackie Evancho who finished in second place on America’s Got Talent. Though she somehow won America’s Got Talent electoral college. [Michael Che laughing] [picture changes to Australian flag and potatoes]

An Australian man who ate nothing but potatoes for an entire year has lost more than 100 pounds, no longer needs anti-depressants, lowered his cholesterol and is dead.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Women’s March logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The organization planning the Women’s March on Washington on January has released the official logo for the event. It’s a great logo because like many feminists, it pushed the white women in the front.

[Cut to a person using a smart phone]

According to a new survey, 70% of the people say that their relationships have been hurt by fubbing, which is when you snub your partner to use your phone instead. Fubbing is not as I assumed when your booty’s too big to have sex in the bathtub.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New York city at left top corner.]

Never fubbed Jost?

Colin Jost: Never fubbed. Excited for it. Earlier today, New York got it’s first major snowfall, which is fun because now you know which Deli has the most rats.

Michael Che: That’s so gross. [laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost and Colin Jost]

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, it’s the last Weekend Update of the year.

Speaker Michael Che: That’s right.

Speaker Colin Jost: And in the spirit of the holidays, we thought we try to rescue some jokes that got cut earlier in the year.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panda at left top corner.]

Alright, here it goes. Gia Gia, the world’s oldest panda passed away this week at the age of 38. Gia Gia died after suffering a stroke stroke.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chipotle logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Chipotle has begun serving chorizo. The announcement was made loudly through a bathroom door.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Speaker Colin Jost: Uber has issued a new set of rules that bans passengers from having sex with a driver or other passengers. Though you can always switch over to Lyft for a mustache ride.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chocolate World logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Hershey’s Chocolate World at Pennsylvania is preparing for its 100 millionth visitor. And to celebrate, I’m about to make my eighth visit to Jerry’s Chocolate World [Picture changes to a board of strip club] by the airport.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Speaker Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Robot Presentation

Kate McKinnon

Fred Armisen

Helix 900… Beck Bennett

Helix 950… Kyle Mooney

Casey Affleck

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Kate and Fred on their presentation.]

Kate: Hello, welcome everybody. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

Fred: Thank you. Thank you.

Kate: Thank you all so much for coming to the 2016 Microsoft Tech Expo.

[music playing]

Fred: Today we are excited to introduce our latest advancement in robotic programming, the Helix 900.

[Kate and Fred walk to Helix 900]

Kate: Helix 900 is a robotic employee with processing speed 50 times faster than a computer.

Fred: Which means he can increase office efficiency by 9,000%, guaranteed!

Kate: But enough talk! What do you say we turn him on?

[audience clapping]

Alright.

[Kate turns Helix 900 on]

Fred: Alright. Introducing Helix 900.

Helix 900: Hello. I’m Helix 900. I am programmed to translate any language, read any document under 1.4 milliseconds, and store up to 50 terabytes of data. Also, I am attracted to men. I like the way their bodies look. Men are sexy to me.

Fred: Okay, great! Helix 900, everyone.

[applause]

Kate: Thank you. Thank you. Helix. Does anyone have any questions?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, I’m sorry, yes. I feel weird asking this. But…

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: No, no! Of course, ask anything.

Fred: That’s what the demo is for.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh, okay. Um, why did he just say that he was attracted to men?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Oh, well, because Helix 900 identifies as homosexual.

Fred: That’s right. He’s a gay robot.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh, okay. Cool. But why?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Umm… why not?

Fred: It’s 2016?

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh! Right, right, right. Of course. I’m sorry I asked.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Great! [music playing] Now, would anyone like to test Helix 900’s programming? Go ahead, ask him anything. You!

[Cut to audience]

Alex: Um, yeah, [looking at his mobile phone] Helix 900, what is 4,981 times 22,912.

[Cut to Helix 900]

Helix 900: 114,124,672.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Wow, that was fast.

[Cut to Helix 900]

Helix 900: Also, I can’t get enough of men’s bodies. I’m sexually attracted to them. Sex with men is the type of sex I like.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Wow! This is impressive, right?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, I’m sorry. It’s a work machine, right? I mean, you made him to help people work?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Yes, that’s correct.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Okay, well then why is he talking so much about being gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Okay. Okay. So you don’t mind a gay robot as long as they don’t talk about being gay?

Fred: I’m sorry Cindy, do we still live in the stone age?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Wait. Am I wrong? [asking others in the audience] Am I being homophobic?

Aidy: Oh, I don’t want to get involved in this.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Let’s keep moving. [music playing] Helix 900 also has the most advanced life like movement of any of the Helix models. Should we take him for a spin? Helix 900, walk.

[Helix 900 starts jump-walking like a girl]

Helix 900: Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through.

Kate: Perfect. Thank you so much, Helix. Sir, did you have a question about that?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, yeah, but I don’t really want to ask it.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: No, no, no. Come on. Ask it. Come on.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Okay then, did you guys program it to, like, walk gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Um, I personally didn’t see him ‘walk gay’. I just saw him… walk. Am I right, Cindy?

Kate: Yeah, yeah. Are you saying all gay people walk the same or…?

Fred: I gotta say dude, it’s weird how obsessed you are with Helix 900’s sexuality.

Kate: Yeah, I bet most of these other people didn’t even notice he was gay. Right, guys? Did you notice?

[Cut to the audience]

Aidy: Ummm….

Kenan: I don’t want to answer.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Well, buckle up because we have a surprise for you. Introducing our even more advanced model, the Helix 950.

[The door behind them open and Helix 950 walks in]

Helix 950: [talking sassy] Hey! I’m Helix 950. I have built in wireless capabilities and super fast processing.

Kate: Great! Any questions?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: So, this robot is also gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Yes, but how could you tell?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Well, coz you programmed his voice to be so—

Kenan: Oh boy, you really stepped in it now.

Casey: Ah! You’re right. Never mind. I support both of the gay robots and I hope they’re happy. Are they a couple, or?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Are they a couple? No, they’re not each other’s types.

Kate: FYI, not every gay robot is attracted to every other gay robot.

Helix 900: I like little Latin men.

Helix 950: And I like big strong men that can dominate me.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Oh, good. That’s great.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break, but when we come back, we’ll demo our new Helix 1000.

Fred: He is also gay but still in the closet, so please don’t say anything.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: What? Whoa! Whoa! Why?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Because he’s not ready and that’s okay.

New York Now

Jen Jen Binks… Vanessa Bayer

Sara Hors… Sasheer Zamata

Nate Rivers… Kyle Mooney

Penny… Kate McKinnon

Ronnie… Casey Affleck

Mary Kay… Cecily Strong

Isaac… Chance the Rapper

Robin… Mikey Day

[Starts with Jen Jen Binks and Sara Hors in their set]

Jen Jen Binks: Welcome to another installment of New York now.

Sara Hors: The show where we fill you on what’s happening around the city. I’m Sara Hors.

Jen Jen Binks: And I’m Jen Jen Binks. It’s no secret when it comes to Christmas, New Yorkers know how to celebrate.

Sara Hors: That’s right. And our own Nate Rivers has a special report on a very unique nativity pageant that’s bringing the laughs to long islanders.

Jen Jen Binks: Take it away Nate.

[Cut to Nate Rivers]

Nate Rivers: Thanks, ladies. Today I’m on the set of Silent Night, HIlarious Night, a Christmas nativity pageant with a broad comedic take on the birth of Christ. Let’s take a quick look at some extremely funny highlights.

[Cut to show video]

Penny: Joseph, where have you been?

Ronnie: Well, I was just looking at the bill from the inn keeper.

Mary Kay: They gotta get out of here. [hold’s a lamb poster] I’m gonna ride home in my lamb-orghini.

Ronnie: What did the wisemen bring?

Penny: Well, they brought frankincense myrrh and peanut brittle.

[Cut to Penny, Ronnie, Mary Kay and Nate Rivers]

Nate Rivers: I”m here now with the show’s creators, Penny, Ronnie and Mary Kay.

Ronnie: Hello.

Mary Kay: Hi.

Penny: Welcome.

Nate Rivers: Your show has been getting quite a bit of buzz.

Ronnie: Oh, we know.

Mary Kay: We’re blessed.

Penny: We’re sold out almost every night.

Nate Rivers: Tell me about your pageant and what makes it so special.

Ronnie: Well, we took the story of Christ and we just blew it out.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. We kept the basic plot and then we just added tons of jokes.

Mary Kay: Tond!

Ronnie: So many jokes.

Nate Rivers: Sounds hilarious. And you act in the show as well?

Penny: Yeah, we kind of had to. You know, we had kids in it but we had to let them go. Coz the kids just have no comedic instinct. They’re not funny like us.

Mary Kay: They’re not half as funny. That’s the whole show.

Ronnie: Well, you got to get the laugh.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. So, in this show, I play Mary.

Ronnie: And I play Joseph. And I’m always saying [loudly] “My wife”, which is like from the “Borat” movie of course.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. WE borrow jokes that we like.

Mary Kay: Yeah, and my character is just like their nosy neighbor, you know? Always looking out of my window going, “What are they up to?”

Penny: Yeah, which is already funny because [gibberish] — the whole idea of a neighbor at Christ’s birth.

Nate Rivers: Wow! And you thought you were funnier than the kids?

Mary Kay: That’s right. We had to get rid of the kids.

Penny: Yeah. They weren’t funny.

Ronnie: Well, yeah. There’s this one part where she’s just giving birth to Jesus, and I look over and say, “Mary, high-five, we did it.”

Penny: And I’m like, “We? I would love to know how ‘we’ accomplished any of this.”

Ronnie: And then I say, “Don’t make me horny baby,” which is from the Austin Power’s film.

Mary Kay: [laughing] And then I come in, I look at the donkey and I say, “Talk about a jackass, right?” And you know, those are the kind of jokes that the kids enjoy but just can’t execute.

Penny: Oh, this is good, come here. My husband Isaac plays the three wise men. Look at him. Do little of your song.

[Isaac walks in. He has two other puppets wearing human clothes attached on both his sides.]

Isaac: It’s us, the three wisemen. We brought you this gift. Enjoy this. Take away, fellas.

[music playing] [singing] Da-da-da-da-da-da, three wise men
Da-da-da-da-da-da, three wise men

[Isaac walks out]

Mary Kay: Is that great or is that great?

Ronnie: Now you see, not oly can a child no perform the adult humor, but they couldn’t physically carry the puppets. So…

[Robin walks in]

Robin: Ma? Ma?

Penny: What? What Robin?

Robin: Do you have time to talk to me later?

Penny: No. I’m doing my pageant thing right now. All day.

Robin: I want to talk to you about sex and drugs.

Penny: No. Not right now.

Robin: [yelling] You’re letting me down, ma!

[Robin leaves]

Mary Kay: See? Kids! This is why they can’t be a part of what we’re doing here.

Penny: No, no. They can’t see bigger than them.

Nate Rivers: Wow! Thanks so much. I can’t believe I got through this interview with a straight face. [laughing] If you’re in the Long Island area, be sure to check out the funniest birth of Jesus you’re likely to ever see. For New York now, I’m Nate Rivers.

Ronnie: Ha-ha. [shouting] My wife!

Mrs. Claus & The Elves

Mrs. Claus… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Casey Affleck

[Starts with a book ‘Mrs. claus and the Christmas Feast’ opening]

Male voice: As Santa traveled the world delivering toys to good children everywhere, Mrs. Claus was back at North Pole preparing a surprise feast for his return.

[Cut to Mrs. Claus entering the kitchen]

Mrs. Claus: Oh my goodness, it’s almost day break. Where are those elves? They promised to put the Christmas quiche in the oven and it sits here completely raw.

[blowing whistle] [three elves appear]

Elves: When you whistle we appear, your three most loyal elves are here.

Kenan: What’s up, Mrs. C?

Mrs. Claus: What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. Santa is going to return any moment hungry as a polar bear. Why is this quiche uncooked?

Vanessa: Oh, no, we really let you down.

Kenan: Yeah. You gave us one job and we biffed it.

Casey: We biffed it big time. You must be in a white hot rage right now.

Kenan: Yeah, I guess the only thing left to do now is punish us? [the three elves smile]

Mrs. Claus: Punish you? Don’t be silly. What do you mean?

Vanessa: How will we learn unless you punish us?

Kenan: And our little bodies.

Casey: Yeah. Our smooth little bodies.

Vanessa: Yeah. We need to be taught a lesson.

Mrs. Claus: Stop acting so silly. Now, when you hear this little oven timer dingle, dignle, dingle, just turn off the oven. Now, please stay alert.

Vanessa: You’ve got it, Mrs. C.

[The timer goes off] [Mrs. Claus walks in the kitchen. The three elves are sitting on the table.]

Mrs. Claus: Good gouda! This quiche is burned to krampus! Elves, didn’t you hear the timer go off?

Vanessa: Oh-oh! Now, Santa’s meal is garbage all because of us.

Kenan: You must be really angry. Time for our punishment.

Mrs. Claus: Honestly, I am a bit angry.

Casey: Oh, why don’t you funnel that anger right into our butts?

Mrs. Claus: What?

Kenan: Yeah. Grab us by our little elf ankles and just go nuts on our tender little booby butts.

Vanessa: Don’t worry. He won’t make any noise.

Mrs. Claus: Elves, get serious. I can’t take much more of this.

Vanessa: I know. You’re miffed. That’s why you’ve got to teach us a good lesson.

Kenan: Yeah. Send us to bed without any dinner or pants.

Vanessa: Then our tiny privates will be out for all to see.

Casey: Oh, no. Not our stinky little privates.

Mrs. Claus: Oh, boy! I guess I’ll have to make a brunch salad.

Kenan: I’ll toss your salad for you.

Casey: Oh, oh! Mrs. Claus, what’s this?

Kenan: Oh, it’s a little Hershey’s Kiss. If you put this in a wrong way, it might never come out.

Vanessa: But it sure would teach us a lesson.

Casey: Either way, I guess we should just try it.

[Casey leans down and Kenan points the chocolate’s point toward’s Casey’s butt]

Mrs. Claus: Oh, heavens! I don’t understand a word you silly elves are saying.

Casey: Oh, don’t get so P.O.’d.

Vanessa: Try getting pee on us.

Kenan: I’ll start putting towels down.

Mrs. Claus: Alright, you’re in trouble now. Santa’s here and I’m gonna let him deal with you.

Elves: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Finally!

Vanessa: Big bossy daddy with snow on top coming to take care of business.

Casey: Yeah. He’s back to rule the north hole. I mean pole- hole.

Kenan: Oh! I heard what you said. You said hole. We’re so bad. Punish us.

Mrs. Claus: Good god!

[Santa walks in]

Santa: Ho-ho0ho! I have returned.

Elves: Hi, Santa.

Kenan: We’ve been helping Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Well, that’s not true. They have been taunting me all morning.

Santa: Well, how about I taunt you all afternoon?

Mrs. Claus: Oh, my! The salad can wait.

Santa: Um-hmm.

Kenan: Wait, let us watch.

Vanessa: Don’t go! We want to see it.

Kenan: Wait, where did the Hershey’s kiss go?

Casey: Oh, don’t worry about it.

[The End]

Dunkin Donuts

Female voice: Deck the halls with boughs of doughnuts. Real customers are telling you why their holidays run on Dunkin.

Vanessa (actual customer): All I want for Christmas is a Dunkin Pepper Mint Dunke-ccino.

Aidy (actual customer): With the Dunkin app, I can order and pay on my smartphone.  So my coffee is waiting when I come in.

Casey (actual customer): I f***ing love Dunkin. What are you talking about?

Alex (actual customer): Where else can I get a breakfast and the perfect stocking stuffer?

Casey (actual customer): You wanna talk real customers? Kid, that’s me. I’m like the mayor of Dunkins. This is the face of Dunkin Donuts right here.

Staff: Hey, you can’t smoke in here, man.

Casey (actual customer): I’m not! Come on, I’m not smoking in here.

[Casey has his hand holding cigarette out of the window]

Staff: You’re smoking in here.

Casey (actual customer): Cigarette’s outside. Is there a cigarette inside?

Staff: It’s coming in through the crack of the window.

Casey (actual customer): Yeah, I come to Dunkin every day. Grab a donut, have an extra large, take a big dump, that’s kind of the routine. Then I’m gonna seat right over there.  This douchebag will move when I’m ready.

Female voice: And with Dunkin rewards app, there’s even more reason to celebrate the season.

Casey (actual customer): Yo! Free coffee! I got the big one! I got a free coffee right there on the app. [showing his phone that’s all broken.]

Alex (actual customer): What are you doing here? Story telling or something? Huh?

Casey (actual customer): Well then, show and tell Dunkin Nuts! [Caseu covers “Do” out of “Dunkin Donuts”] Show that, brother.

Melissa (actual employee): It’s a season for holiday drinks like–

Casey (actual customer): Never mind that. Hey, interview my buddy Dewey for the movie right in. Dewey, tell them what your favorite donut is.

Dewey: No, I don’t want to be in it.

Casey (actual customer): Come on, pal. It’s a movie. Tell them how you like the vanilla nut taps.

Dewey: What?

Casey (actual customer): The vanilla nut taps. [hits Dewey on his nuts]

Dewey: Ou! You dog!

[Dewey pushes Casey.]

Casey (actual customer): [pushing Dewey back] It’s just a joke. Cut your nails for god sake!

Dewey: I couldn’t breathe, Donny! Oh, yeah, go outside.

Casey (actual customer): Best part of my day is when I’m at Dunkin. Do you think that’s sad?

Alex (actual customer): Yes, very.

Female voice: Real customers know the holidays run on Dunkin.

[Casey hits Alex’s car with a coffee]

Dewey: Go back to Starbucks!

[The End]

Donald Trump Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, it’s almost Christmas. Do we have to talk business now?

Kellyanne Conway: I am afraid so, Mr. Trump. I know you’ve been so busy out on your thank you tour.

Donald Trump: I had to do it. I just felt an obligation to thank all my supporters by standing in front of them while they cheer for me. Let’s get this over with. Are there any more cabinet picks left?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, we’re almost full, sir. Rick Perry has agreed to be secretary of energy.

Donald Trump: Is that a great choice? I saw him on Dancing With the Stars. This guy has so much energy. He’s just unpresidented. So now, all I have to do is pick who will be president.

Kellyanne Conway: That’s you, sir.

Donald Trump: Can I just do it three days a week like Howard Stern does?

Kellyanne Conway: I don’t think so.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what will you be doing in my administration?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, oh, what I’ve always done. Master Illusionist. Also, I’ve put together a list of people who have agreed to perform you inauguration at seven. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a small piece of paper as the list]

Donald Trump: So many great names here. Really. I love them both.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald, enough with the working. Let’s do the Christmas.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Kellyanne, let’s take a break but stay close by, would you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, don’t worry. I’m handcuffed to you for all of histories.

[Kellyanne Conway walks out] [banging sound]

Donald Trump: What’s that sound?

Melania Trump: I think it’s coming from the chimney.

Donald Trump: Is it a ghost? Am I being scrooged? I hate that.

Melania Trump: Oh, Donald! I think it’s a–

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the chimney top nude with Santa’s gift sack]

Vladimir Putin: That’s right.

Donald Trump: Vladimir, this is such a great surprise.

Melania Trump: What are you doing here?

Vladimir Putin: I was just in town. You know, hiding in the walls.

Donald Trump: Okay, come in, come in. It’s so great to finally get a chance to talk in person. I composed an email to you but I haven’t even sent it yet.

Vladimir Putin: I know. Mr. Trump, I’m here because your CIA is saying that we Russians tried to make you win election.

Donald Trump: I know, all lies made up by some very bitter people who need to move on.

Vladimir Putin: So, you trust me more than American CIA?

Donald Trump: All I know is I won.

Vladimir Putin: Wow, this guy is blowing my mind. Donald, I want to state officially that we in Russia are so happy that you are US president.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank you.

Vladimir Putin: We think you’re the best candidate.

Donald Trump: Sure.

Vladimir Putin: The smartest candidate.

Donald Trump: No doubt.

Vladimir Putin: The Manchurian candidate.

Donald Trump: I don’t know what that means but it sounds tremendous.

Vladimir Putin: And since it is Christmas after all, you know, I got you a gift. [Vladimir Putin pulls out a doll from the sack] This is Elf on the Shelf. He’s fun. You just put it right here next to your internet router. [Vladimir Putin puts the doll over the chimney next to the internet router] [sound of machine turning]

Yeah, you keep it there all year. It’s fun. Yes?

Donald Trump: Yeah. it’s beautiful, Vladimir. I’m sorry but I didn’t know you were coming, so I do not have a gift for you.

Vladimir Putin: Please, Mr. Trump, you are the gift.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Um, Donald, can we talk?

Donald Trump: Of course, excuse us, Vladimir.

[Donald Trump goes to a corner with Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Donald, I do not trust this man. Okay? Think of it this way. He’s a person you did not know who came from a foreign country and just started flattering you, what would you do?

Donald Trump: Marry them.

Melania Trump: Donald, no. You must tell this man to leave.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Alright. [walks to Vladimir Putin] Vladimir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to go. Frankly, it might not look– it might look bad for us to be seen together.

Vladimir Putin: Brilliant observation. You are always so smart Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: You can stay as long as you want.

[Kellyanne Conway walks in]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, sir?

Donald Trump: Oh my god, it’s the ghost of Christmas past. Scrooged!

Kellyanne Conway: No, I’m not a ghost. This is just my face and hair. It’s Kellyanne. Um, your secretary of stage pick Rex Tillerson is here.

[Rex Tillerson walks in]

Rex Tillerson: Merry Chriatmas! Merry Christmas Mr. President elect. I just wanted to come by and– [sees Vladimir Putin] Pudie? Oh my god!

Vladimir Putin: Rexi baby.

[Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson starts celebrating in Russian language]

Rex Tillerson: Oh my star, Donald! You didn’t tell me Pudie was going to be here. Man, have I been hoping to catch up with you.

Vladimir Putin: As have I, old friend. So much to talk about. Hah? [Vladimir Putin pulls out a map] Right here, we’re having some oil drilling problems here.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, that’s no problem. As soon as the sanctions are lifted, we’ll up our intake by 30%.

Donald Trump: What are you guys talking about?

Vladimir Putin: Don’t worry about it.

Rex Tillerson: What about doubling production here in the Pechora sea?

Vladimir Putin: Already under way. Just have to take control of the Lomonosov Ridge. Our military is on it.

Donald Trump: And then we destroy vanity fair, right? They are terrible publication, just terrible.

Rex Tillerson: Sure buddy, sure. [to Vladimir Putin] You set up shop up on Lomonosov?

Vladimir Putin: Oh yes, for years. Great black crude there.

Donald Trump: Speaking of black and crude, I know Kanye. He came here. He’s using my colorist now. He just says whatever he feels. He’s like me, but a black.

Rex Tillerson: That’s cool, buddy. Excuse us for a sec.

Donald Trump: You’re not going to say “Live from New York” without me, right?

Rex Tillerson: No. We’d never do that.

Vladimir Putin: But maybe.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Christmas Miracle

Dr. Bethel… Aidy Bryant

Cardinal Hanson… Bobby Moynihan

Sharon… Cecily Strong

Doug… Casey Affleck

Colleen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson interviewing three people]

Dr. Bethel: I’m Dr. Bethel, professor of geology at Yale. And this is Cardinal Hansom from the council of miraculous phenomena.

Cardinal Hanson: As you can imagine, you are of great interest to both the secular and religious communities.

Dr. Bethel: Yeah. We believe you’ve had a genuine encounter with the real Santa Claus.

[Cut to the interviewees]

Sharon: This is nuts, man! I mean, we’re just regular people who heard footsteps on Christmas eve and now we’re a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Indeed. Tell us what happened after you awoke.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Well, me and my girl woke up and came downstairs and Santa was standing there in our living room. Real as rain.

[Cut to Sharon]

Sharon: And he said, “Come with me to the North Pole”, and just like that we were on his sleigh with the reindeer and everything.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Huh, miraculous.

Dr. Bethel: And you, Ms. Rafferty?

[Cut to Colleen. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Colleen: Yeah, a little different for me. I’m crashing in their guest room, right? I came downstairs a little later. They were gone. And I was met by a nine foot tall goad man named Crinkle Mouse who according to some German fairytale is Santa’s helper. And he points a hoof at me and he goes [making animal sound]. And I kind of got the hint that I should come with.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: And were you taken to Santa’s sleigh?

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Oh, no, no, no, no. Crinkle mouse turns out travels by dog sled. Which sounds fun but then he straps a harness on me, throws me in with the freaking dog team. And these dogs don’t fly, they run. Let me tell you, if you think you can’t run as fast as a dog, you’re right. A minute in, I fall, get dragged for a mile over a forest floor and my sweats get yanked off. So, now there’s nothing between the ground and my cooter and tooter. Look, wasn’t the worst time I have had on all fours.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: Fascinating. Now, what happened when you arrived at the North Pole?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Doug: Well, it sounds crazy but we were taken to Santa’s workshop, man. It was beautiful. And it smelled just like gingerbread. My beard still smells like it, ma’am.

Sharon: Yeah, yeah. Oh, and Mrs. Claus came out with mugs of hot cocoa. Warmed my tummy and my heart.

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Colleen: [shocked] What? [Cut to Colleen] These two were in a Disney movie. Meanwhile, Crinkle Mouse takes me to the reindeer stables. He hands me a shovel. He goes, “You work!” Also I had the pleasure of meeting the Mrs, that’s Mrs. Crinkle Mouse who looks more like a ram than a goat. She’s either jealous or a les, coz she starts ramming my knocker like– [Cut to Colleen and Sharon] Pardon me, Sharon. She’s going [starts rubbing her face on Sharon’s breasts]

Sharon: That’s enough. They get it, I think. They get it.

Colleen: Like that.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: And what happened next in the workshop?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Sharon: Well, you’re not going to believe me, but the elves came out. We all sang songs.

Doug: Yeah. There were a bunch of cubby guys in fun pointy hats with these cute toes and noses.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yo, stables have one elf. He looks exactly like Golem. Smelled like a hard-boiled egg and I swear to god, this little bastard’s name was Shart.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Okay. Well, did he also sing and dance?

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: No. No. He’s in charge of the reindeer, right? And he tells me it’s time to check them for worms. Cut to I’m holding onto a lady reindeer, I’m keeping her steady while Shart is poking around. And remember, these reindeer can fly, so when she bucks, I’m 20, 30 feet off the ground and still rocking zero pants here. So my hog taker and log maker are on full display. Let’s just say I understand why Crinkle Mouse and company aren’t showing up on any Coca-Cola Christmas cans.

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Doug: God, I don’t think you had as good a time as we did.

Colleen: Oh, yeah, Doug? Yeah?

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: And how were you returned home?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Sharon: Well, Santa sprinkled magic dust and the whole workshop dissolved around us.

Doug: Then we were back in our living room, Christmas morning. We went right out and loaded up the flat bed with Christmas ham for the poor, came home that night and made tender love for the first time in six years.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: [smiling] Lord works in mysterious ways.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yeah, so does Shart. Coz when it was time for me to go, Crinkle Mouse hands him a magic stick and this son of a bitch steps up to the plate and cracks me in the back of the knee with it. And I dissolved into a closed Bank of America 15 miles from my house. And I tripped some sort of alarm so the cops show up and mind you, I am still pants-less. So now, I’m spending Christmas morning in the back of a squad car with my grassy knoll and my gassy hole hanging out. And I’m thinking, “Dammit! Colleen, you’re becoming your mother.”

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Wow! Remarkable. Do you think you’ll ever see these spirits again?

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Sharon: No. But I feel St. Nick in my heart.

Doug: Yeah. I see him whenever I see a child smile.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yeah, I smell hard-boiled eggs, so Shart can’t be too far off. I think that little bastard followed me hom.

[Cut to the window. Shart is knocking the window looking at Colleen. Colleen sees him]

Oh, boy! Great! What the hell am I going to feed that thing?

Christmas Bar

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Tony… Kyle Mooney

Jerry… Casey Affleck

Bouncer… Kenan Thompson

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Police… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Jessica speaking to her friend at the bar]

Jessica: I’m think I want to go ice skating this year. I haven’t been since I was a kid. And it feels like it’s still fun.

[2 approaches Jessica]

2: Excuse me. This is gonna sound totally crazy but don’t I know you from somewhere?

Jessica: I don’t think so. I have actually never been to Brooklyn. I’m just visiting.

2: It’s just… I can’t believe I’m saying this. I guess there’s something about you, you know? It’s just like, it’s comfortable. Like, a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Hmm.

Jessica: My mom used to make that for me–

Jessica and 2: When I was sick.

2: Yeah. Me too. I’m sorry. What was your name again?

Jessica: Jessica.

2: Jessica, that’s right. I’m Tony. And I’m not rich or nothing. I just volunteer at a home for the elderly. But, um, would you maybe want to– [turns around and speaks to himself loudly] Tony, don’t do this. Do not do this. [looks at Jessica] Would you maybe want to have Christmas eve dinner with me and my family?

Jessica: Oh, Christmas eve dinner. Wow! I mean, Tony, we just met. I don’t really know.

[Jerry walks in]

Jerry: Excuse me, excuse me. I’m so sorry. I- I- I never interrupt people when they’re talking. But I just heard like an angel or something.

Jessica: Oh, me?

Jerry: Oh, wow, yeah. There it goes again. Now, whoof! Listen, I’m Jerry. I know I’m nothing special and I love my little deaf sister. But would you– I can’t believe I’m even standing here. Would you maybe wanna get Christmas dinner with me and my family?

Jessica: Oh, well, that’s nice.

2: Excuse me, Jerry. Um, you keep talking to Ms. Jessica here, it’s going to make me want to do– [talks to himself] Don’t say it, Tony. [looks at Jerry] It’s gonna wanna make me do something like this. [2 pulls out a knife]

Jerry: Oh! Wow! Well, I usually don’t stand up for myself. You know, I usually just let guys walk all over me. But, you know, when I see you do that, it makes me want to do something like this.

[Jerry pulls out a knife too]

Jessica: No! Tony! Jerry!

2: Wow! You know, I usually ain’t like this, but, um, I think I’m going to have to stab you.

[2 stabs Jerry]

Jerry: Oh! Argh! I can’t believe I’m saying this but that really hurt. Now I’m like, bleeding. [talking to himself] Don’t say it, Jerry. Do not say it. But I’m really bleeding.

[Bouncer walks in]

Bouncer: Guys, I can’t believe I’m doing this but, I mean, I’m usually really shy. I guess I’m the bouncer. You know? And it’s stupid but I got to restrain you.

2: Okay.

[Bartender walks in]

Bartender: Hey, fellas. I know it’s none of my business, I mean I normally wouldn’t speak up at a time like this. But I just called 911. You know? And they said they can’t believe that they’re saying this. Don’t say this. But, they’re going to be here very soon.

Jessica: Why are you being shy? This man was just stabbed.

2: hey, Jessica. I know I’m nothing special, but your eyes sparkle like the moonlight.

Jerry: Hang on a second. I know I’m just a simple buy, you know, but my gut says he’s not right for you.

Jessica: Yeah, obviously. Are you okay?

[A police officer walks in]

Police: Oh, I can’t believe I’m gonna ask this, but is this the victim you called about?

All: [crosstalk] Yes.

Police: Okay. And oh, this is totally insane. [talking to herself] Why you doing this, Tracy? but we’re going to pump you with 10 CCs of clotting agent.

Jessica: Um, stay strong Jerry.

Jerry: Oh, Ms. Jessica, I know this might not be the most opportune time, but if you just give me a chance, I think you will find out I’m a pretty fun guy.

Jessica: Of course you are, Jerry.

Police: Excuse me. I know I shouldn’t be interrupting but I think we’re losing him.

Jerry: I know, nobody asked me but I just saw a light and I really just want to walk towards it.

God: This is god. And I can’t believe I’m asking you this but, would you want to join me in the eternity or something?

Jerry: Oh my god! I can’t believe what I’m hearing but, yeah, I would like that very much, god! Ah!

[Jerry dies]

Jessica: Oh, Jerry.

2: I feel so self-conscious. But I can’t help wondering if this whole thing was all my fault.

Jessica: Of course it was.

2: Oh!