Weekend Update Laura Parsin Says News

Laura Parsin… Vanessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: And now for our news castors of Tomorrow series, where we let kids read the news, tonight’s junior anchor is a twelve year old actress who’s in the up coming Nickelodeon movie ‘Study Break Tummy Egg’, please welcome Laura Parsin.

[Laura slides in]

Laura: Hi Michael. What a thrill it is to be here. News,

[singing] talking about news
live on the scene it’s 2016
[mumbling]

Michael Che: That’s so adorable. So, are you gonna report some stories for us?

Laura: I’d love to. [Cut to Laura] This week, Mexican fugitive Al Capone was captured after a escaping from prison. You may remember that Al Capone is merciless drug lord who is convicted of selling millions of dollars worth of narcotics. Including marijuana, heroin and cocaine!

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, Laura, do you even know what cocaine is?

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Not exactly. But I think it’s a powder that makes your brain go, “I’m amazing”.

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I guess that’s right. Look, Laura, don’t you have stories that are more fun or silly? You know?

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: The Oregon men are mad because they ask for supplies but instead, people end them dildos!

[Cut to Laura an Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Let’s just get away from news all together. How did you spend your holiday break?

Laura: Well, I watched a lot of TV.

Michael Che: Great! That’s great!

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: I loved the show Glee. It’s got wonderful singing and acting and dancing. Everyone in the cast is such a great role model for me. Except the guy who plays Puck, because he just got arrested for child pornography!

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura: Police found there were a thousand pictures of naked kids!

Michael Che: Okay! Laura, did anything good happen to anyone this week?

Laura: It sure did. Comedian Bill Cosby was released on bail.

Michael Che: Oh-oh. No!

Laura: He is so funny.

Michael Che: Laura, the case against Bill Cosby is very serious. I mean, do you even know what he did?

Laura: Um, I think so. [Cut to Laura] He gave some medicine to people even though they didn’t need the medicine.

Michael Che: That’s right. Laura Parsin, everybody!

Laura: [singing]

Michael Che: You’re doing a great job. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of arm protesters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The arm protesters in Oregon after they made a plea for supplies and were sent a box containing sex toys. They were so upset, you could hear them loudly moaning about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Applebee’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow! A woman in California is claiming that she found a severed fingertip in an Applebee’s salad. Despite their promise to only add a tip for parties of six or more.

[Picture changes to

According to reports, former New York city mayor Mike Bloomberg has secretly commissioned a poll last month to see how he would do if he ran for president as a third party candidate. And I for one would love to see Bloomberg run against Trump. They’re both New York billionaires, yet they’re so different. It’s like the political version of the movie Twins. Bloomberg, he looks like he’d speak softly and carry a big stick. Trump looks like he yell loudly while his goons beat you with sticks. Or maybe they should just team up. Trump is always saying, “I’m gonna get the smartest guys.” Bloomberg is the smartest guy. He could be the whole branch to the operation and live inside Trump like Krang from Ninja Turtles. But mostly I just want to see Bloomberg at a campaign rally in Mississippi and he tells everyone he’s taking their sodas away and they just rip him to pieces. Plus, if we follow a black president from Chicago with a Jewish president from New York, the south is definitely gonna secede again. How do we even top that? We’d have to find a Muslim president from Hollywood. Pressure’s on, [Picture changes to Naveen Andrews in the series Lost] Sayid from Lost.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a ‘GuyFi’ booth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York city for men to masturbate in. Good! Coz I’m getting tired of doing it in Colin’s office.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Michael Che: Ah! I’m kidding man. I would never… get tired of masturbating in your office.

Colin Jost: Come on, man! I sleep in there.

[Picture changes to a cigarette with written “Second-hand smoke”]

Michael Che: A new study finds that nearly half of non-smoking teenagers in the US are exposed to second hand smoke. While the other half don’t have step-dads.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Arizona map and a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow! Big step-dad’s crew here tonight. Arizona police arrested a man who traveled all the way from Pennsylvania to have sex with a horse. I mean, is that why he said he was there? Because if so, he definitely came to do something way worse. “Hey you, what are you doing?” “Me? Nothing. I was just gonna have sex with a horse. Okay, you got me. I’m ISIS.”

[Picture changes to science experiment equipment]

A new study finds that the most common names of geniuses are John and Mary. While the least common are Becky and Shaq.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a snake and Oregon map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oregon police arrested a man who tried to steal a two foot long python from a pet store from stuffing it down his pants. Yeah, said the man, “I’ll give you a hint about which snake in my pants is bigger. It’s the one that just bit my penis.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a truck and Virginia map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A teenage girl in Virginia saved her father after he was trapped under a burning pickup truck and she lifted if off him. And that story has already been nominated for eight country music awards.