What Even Matters Anymore

Veronica Elders… Jessica Chastain

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with show’s intro]

Male voice: And now, it’s time to play “What Even Matters Anymore.” With your host, Veronica Elders

[Host walks in to the stage]

Host: Hello, folks. Welcome to “What Even Matters Anymore.” The show where I tell you something our president did or said and you have to tell me does it even matter anymore.

[Cut to the contestants

Contestants: Hi.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Great. First question. The president of the United States refers to African countries as Poo-poo holes. And says all Hasians have AIDS. Does it even matter anymore?

[buzzer sound] [Cut to Kate]

Kate: Um, that’s really bad. That has to matter. Yes.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to the host]

Host: Umm, actually, it does not matter. Zero consequences and everyone just moves on. Next, the president has an extra marital affair with a pornstar right after his wife gives birth to his son. Then he pays the pornstar to shut up. Does it even matter to say he’s evangélico base?

[buzzer sound] [Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Um, to evangélicos, of course it matters. It’s against everything that they stand for.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to the host]

Host: You think so, but no. They say he’s just repented and they forgive him. And Mike Pence is like, “That’s my dude.” Next, the president fires Robert Mueller, the very man investigating him for treason. Does it even matter?

[Cut to 4]

4: What? He hasn’t done that yet.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Yeah, but you know, he’s gonna. So, when he does, will it even matter?

[Cut to 4]

4: I’m gonna say yes, that would matter. That’s a clear line that he’d be crossing.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to the host]

Host: Ooh! So, close. You were right that it would cross a line. But you were wrong to think that it would matter in the least. Republicans will just shake and mumble something about Hillary’s emails.

[Cut to 4]

4: Yeah. But they have a conscience.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Judges, do they have a conscience?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Sorry, we checked and they don’t.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: I’m sorry. Is this still part of the game?

[Cut to the host]

Host: It doesn’t even matter anymore.

[Cut to the contestants]

4: Are there like, points?

[Cut to the host]

Host: Next question. The president builds a wall but hires illegal immigrants to build it and he accidentally puts an unlocked door every 10 feet. Would that matter?

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Okay, I’m sensing a pattern here. So, I’m just gonna say it would not matter.

[right answer bell] [Cut to the host. She looks shocked.]

Host: You’re absolutely right, Greg.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: It’s Bernard.

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think Trump supporters would get mad. But then Trump blurs out, “Chuck Schumer did it,” and everyone believes him. They just believe him.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: But you know that’s not gonna happen, right?

[Cut to the host]

Host: [yelling frustrated] Does it even matter anymore? Fake news. Fake news.

[Cut to 4]

4: Are you okay?

[Cut to the host. She looks frustrated.]

Host: I’m great. Okay. You know what? On our final round, you guys just write down what you think would matter. What do you think would actually lead to any kind of consequences? 10 seconds on the clock. And while you’re writing, I’m just gonna drink.

[Host starts drinking wine off the bottle.]

Alright, what do you guys got?

[Cut to 4]

4: I wrote, “Trump punches pope.” I think that would be like really bad.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Argh. You think so? But a lot of people still hate Catholics. Next?

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Okay, I wrote, “Cancels Olympics because flags are gay.”

[Cut to the host]

Host: Ha-ha-ha. Are you kidding me? He’s his ratings will jump five points. Next.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Um, I wrote, “Sex tape with Don Jr.” I mean, that would check like, a lot of boxes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think so? But FOX News would just report it as “He’s a family man.” Because nothing truly matters. None of it matters.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Jessica?

[Cut to the host, very frustrated.]

Host: It’s Veronica. Veronica Elders.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Jessica, you don’t have to do this.

[Cut to the contestants]

4: Yeah. Jessica, we know you’re upset about the way our country’s going but you can’t just like, build a whole game show set and make us pretend to be contestants.

Male Contestant: Even though some of us relish the opportunity to become Bernard.

[Cut to the host]

Host: I’m sorry, guys. It just seems like, nothing matters anymore.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Yeah, we got that from the name of the show and how you keep saying it over and over. But, it’s gonna be okay, Jessica.

[Cut to 4]

4: Yeah. There’s another election in 2018 and democrats have a chance of taking back– oh my god! You’re right. You know what? It doesn’t matter. [Cut to all. 4 is walking away looking frustrated] How does it not matter?

Male Contestant: Ay! At least the stock market is up.

Kate: [yelling] Out! Kenan, you go! Now!

Male Contestant: Alright, well, Kenan will leave, but Bernard will stay.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Well, thanks for watching. As always, the host of tonight’s show gets a hug. Because she really needs it.

[Cut to Kate and Male Contestant]

Kate: Are we supposed to hug you now? Or–?

Host: Yes.

[Kate and Male Contestant walk to the host and hug her.]

Male voice: Thanks for watching “What Even Matters Anymore?” Contestants on the show stay at… oh, oh! Trump Tower. That’s not good. And tonight’s show is sponsored by, “Little Ball.” When you can’t take the news anymore, just crawl up into a little ball and rock yourself to sleep. Goodnight!

Weekend Update- Robert Mueller

Colin Jost

Robert Mueller… Mate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, special council Robert Mueller may have reached a deal with Steve Bannon in exchange for his testimony in the Russia investigation. Here to comment is Robert Mueller.

[Robert Mueller slides in] [cheers and applause]

Robert Mueller: Oh, hi. Hello. How are you?

Colin Jost: Hey. How are you there?

Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s me, Robert Mueller.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Thank you. You look great.

Robert Mueller: Yeah. Thank you.

Colin Jost: You look great. Thanks for being here.

Robert Mueller: Thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here. I wanted to come out here tonight to assure the American people that our investigation’s progressing smoothly. We’re looking forward to a timely and orderly conclusion.

Colin Jost: That’s great. And, can you give us a sense of where it’s heading?

Robert Mueller: Well, obviously I can’t discuss particulars of an ongoing investigation. But… [Robert Mueller is smiling hard] Yeah. We’re good.

Colin Jost: Really? Really? We good?

Robert Mueller: Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean… no, no. You just wait. You’ll see.

Colin Jost: So, even with like, the Trump bout it, or–

Robert Mueller: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re good. We’re good. Situation’s under control. Colin, you got– okay, yeah. You gotta remember, I have actual footage of– no. You know what? I want to tell you so bad. I can’t. I’m not gonna. it’s gonna be fun. Yeah.

Colin Jost: So, then I take it you have nard evidence?

Robert Mueller: Colin, come on. You’re putting me in a weird position. I cannot comment on that. But yeah, big time. I just– oh man! Can I tell them? Ah! I want to tell em’ one thing. Okay. I shouldn’t be– no. Okay, so– yeah. Don Jr., he wrote in his Venmo description, “Russia– ” No! I can’t! Oh! I can’t! It hurts. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, don’t do this. I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna. Oh, my god.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what happens if Trump fires you?

Robert Mueller: He could. That’s a real possibility. But, it’s a little late for that. Cat’s out of the bag. And the bag’s full of, um, how do I say this? Michael Flynn’s wire tap. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Wait. So, you put a wire on Flynn?

Robert Mueller: I can neither confirm nor deny this, Colin. Please. But, if you were to, I don’t know, ask me to bang the desk for if I did.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, bang the desk if– [Robert Mueller bangs the desk] But is it bad? Or–? [Colin Jost bangs the desk few more times] But it’s not like treason bad, right?

Robert Mueller: I don’t know.

[Robert Mueller starts banging the desk here and there.]

Colin Jost: Wow!

Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s not. Colin, you gotta understand. The guide didn’t leave me a bread crunch here. He left me full loaves. Fresh seven grain loaves straight from panera bread. I’m having a blast, man.

Colin Jost: Well, can you give us any sense of how this all ends?

Robert Mueller: Yes. Okay. Well, let me put it this way. You know how you love the show ‘Lost’? But it never really came together. There was no satisfying ending. Ah! [smiling] This ain’t lost.

Colin Jost: Robert Mueller, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Princes William and Harry

Michael Che

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: President Trump recently cancelled a trip to London with many are saying the royal family’s relationship with president Obama played a factor. Here with an official statement from Buckingham Palace are Prince William and Prince Harry.

[Prince William and Prince Harry slide in] [cheers and applause]

Prince William: Hello.

Prince Harry: What’s up? Hi, Michael. What’s up, my dog?

[Prince Harry does the gang handshake with Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Okay. Well.

Prince William: Good evening, Michael.

Prince Harry: What’s up?

Michael Che: It’s an honor to meet you. And thank you for coming all the way here from London.

Prince Harry: Yes. Michael, we’d like to apologize. Unfortunately, William’s hair was unable to make it this evening.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: It’s devestating.

Prince William: Oh, bravo! Hilarious. Yes, a bald joke. Yes, buzz the sides this week. Rocking the Bruce Willis look broke the internet.

Prince Harry: No. Bruce Willis shaves it all, man. You’re a British Larry David. It’s not good. Shave it.

Prince William: Okay. You’re speaking of hair, how was the quidditch match, Ron Beasley?

Prince Harry: Ron Beasley? Who’s Ron Beasley?

Prince William: The red head one.

Prince Harry: It’s Ron Weasley.

Prince William: Oh, I don’t know. Who cares?

Prince Harry: Everyone cares.

Prince William: Nobody knows that.

Prince Harry: It’s Harry Potter. It makes up half of England’s economy. Come on. Just shave it, Will.

Prince William: Okay, just shut up about the hair.

Prince Harry: What hair? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you.

Prince William: I love you more.

Prince Harry: Yeah? Alright. Windsor boys.

Prince William: Windsor boys.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Bring it in. Bring it in.

Prince William and Prince Harry: Bangers. Match. Hello.

Prince William: It’s a secret handshake, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I saw. Very cool. Hey, before you give your statement, I just want to thank you again for coming to the show.

Prince William: Um, of course, Michael. Um, we love American telly. Um, my brother’s fiancé is Meghan Markle. She’s in the American program Suits.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Wednesdays, 8 PM, USA network. Check it out. She’s amazing.

Prince William: Right. Um, the only difference between that show and this is people watch this one.

Prince Harry: Oh! [clapping] Hilarious. What is it that you’re always watching? Wills? What is it? Oh, yeah. Kate’s Handbag. Right? Kate’s Handbag.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha. Right.

Prince Harry: This guy goes shopping with Kate four times a week.

Prince William: She likes hats.

Prince Harry: She loves hats.

Prince William: [to Michael Che] Kate’s my wife.

Michael Che: I know who Kate Middleton is.

Prince William: Beautiful woman.

Michael Che: Yeah. Fine.

Prince William: great mom. Whenever the kids are being fussy and not going to bed, she puts on an episode of Suits and they’re out. Ha-ha.

[Prince Harry puts his pinky finger in his mouth and then inside Prince William’s ear.]

Oh, what are you doing?

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Ouch.

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Stop it. Stop it.

Michael Che: Did you just give him a wet willie?

Prince Harry: Yes. In England, it’s called moist Matthew.

Michael Che: Alright. I feel like I should remind everyone why you’re here which is to address rumors president Trump cancelled his UK trip because your family’s relationship with the Obama’s.

Prince Harry: Yes.

Prince William: Right. [Prince William opens a paper and reads it] Buckingham Palace does not comment on political matters. Thank you and goodbye.

Prince Harry: “Thank you and goodbye,” said William’s hair.

Prince William: Alright, enough.

Michael Che: Prince William and Prince Harry, everybody.

Weekend Update Stormy Daniels

Colin Jost

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, In Touch Weekly released a 5,000 word interview with pornstar Stormy Daniels about an affair she allegedly had with Donald Trump in 2006. Here to comment is Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels slides in] [cheers and applause]

Stormy Daniels: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Yeah, hi, Stormy. How are you?

Stormy Daniels: I’m way fine. Whatever.

Colin Jost: That’s great. Now, you’re a kind of unlikely ally for critics of Donald Trump now.

Stormy Daniels: I know. It’s crazy, right? I’m all over Huffington Pollison daily beast. I’m like a liberal hero. Even though I’m a republican pornstar who loves Sarah Palin. Right? Things are so bad right now, they are so many women just desperately trying to figure out how to be empowered by me. And the best they can say is that I’m a female director.

Colin Jost: Wow. So, you also direct porn?

Stormy Daniels: Yeah, Colin. Coz unlike your industry, we actually have female directors. Imagine that? Now, I get it that I’m not what these people in vision their hero would look like, but guess what, America? I’m the hero you deserve right now.

Colin Jost: What does that mean?

Stormy Daniels: Well, okay, okay. Take for instance the still Dacia, right? Alright. When the information about Russia was important enough that somebody wound up dead, but all anybody wanted to talk about was the Russian hookers. That’s why you get me. You get a Stormy. Alright? And when I was hanging out late at night with Donald Trump and Ben Roethlisberger, and the one I trusted to get me home safe was Ben Roethlisberger. And then you guys went and made the other guy president? You get a Stormy. And ladies, when it’s the one year anniversary of the women’s march and y’all are arguing about, who gets to say “me too” and who doesn’t? Well, you get a Stormy. And my hashtag isn’t #TimesUp. It’s #AssUp.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. Okay. Alright. So, you’re here to teach people a lesson then?

Stormy Daniels: No, no, no, no. I just, I am the lesson. I just wanted to be on Celebrity Apprentice. But that’s not gonna happen. And I am making my peace with that, okay? And America, you need to accept your reality too. You all wish you were still living in 1920s Paris with Barack Obama. But guess what, honey, you’re in 1990s Orlando with Trumpy and Stormy. And that’s what you get. [pointing at audience] You get a Stormy. And you get a Stormy. Oh, I’m like Oprah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.

Stormy Daniels: Should I run for president?

Colin Jost: No. No, no. Stormy Daniels, everyone.

Stormy Daniels: I would win. Of course, I would win.

Weekend Update on Unemployment for Black Americans

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump tweeted that unemployment for Black Americans is the lowest ever recorded. Umm, I don’t know, man. I’m pretty sure that before the civil war, black unemployment was at like, zero.

[Picture changes to an urn]

Police in Washington– [laughing] Police in Washington state say that they’re trying to find the owner of an urn full of cremated remains that was donated to a goodwill location. “Um, what did that urn look like?” said an employee who just made coffee.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week mark Chris Christie’s final days as governor of New Jersey. And to honor him– And to honor Christie, pants were worn at full mask.

[Picture changes to a rare shark]

Scientists in Taiwan have caught a rare shark that can extend it’s jaws beyond it’s mouth to swallow large fish in one bite. Officials say the shark is cleaning up in Grindr.

Weekend Update on the Government Shutdown

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, congratulations to Donald Trump who managed to keep our government open for almost one whole year. The government shutdown at midnight last night over disagreements over immigration. President Trump has blamed minority leader Chuck Schumer for the shutdown because Trump never misses a chance to blame a minority.

[Picture changes to United States Capitol]

Also, why is shutting down our entire government even an option? America has been around 240 years. Maybe it’s time we just buy our government instead of leasing it month to month. This is people’s lives, not a Kia Sorento. [Picture changes to Kevin Spacey] Even production on House of Cards didn’t shut down after the main guy was accused of being a full predator. If a fake government can keep going, so can we. Also, in the fake government, they got rid of the sexual predator president and [Picture changes to Robin Wright] got a female president instead. So, just something to think about. Just an idea.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of United States Capitol at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah. All I wanna know is since the government shutdown, do we still have to pay taxes for the whole year? Do we get pro rated or something like that? When my cable shut down, Comcast gave me free HBO for a month. I feel like the government owes us an eagle or an apple pie or something.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, I was finally able to google Stormy Daniels on my work computer. In an interview from 2011, pornstar Stormy Daniel said that while she was having an affair with Donald Trump, he told her she was beautiful and smart just like his daughter. Which is somehow the grossest thing a man has ever said to Stormy Daniels. [Picture changes to Mike Pence] I just love watching Mike Pence during all of this. He’s a button own conservative christian. Now, he’s gotta go ride or die with Caligula. I mean, at this point, Pence would probably be more comfortable as a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, the worst part about that Stormy Daniels story is that it was so lame. An old rich dude cheated on his wife with a pornstar. Clutch my pearls! I thought we’d get some freaky details out of it. I mean, Donald Trump grabs women by vagina as his opener. So, his actual sex must be insane, right? But the craziest thing that we got was that he was spanked with a magazine and he’s afraid of sharks. Well, of course he’s afraid of sharks. The man has the body of a seal.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dr. Ronny Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Tuesday, the White House doctor held a press conference where he read the results of Trump’s physical and we have some of those results right here.

EKG: Normal. Blood Pressure: Normal. Urine: Loves it. The doctor said that president Trump also took in-cognitive test and did exceedingly well. But it wasn’t like an IQ test. It was more of a, “Are you okay?” test. One of the questions was literally ‘draw a clock.’ The last president to fail this test was Lincoln after the play.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, I for one am happy to know that the president has a normal functioning brain. Because it would suck to find out that all this time, I’ve been making fun of a mentally challenged dude. If he would have failed that mental exam, it would have ruined everything. People from other countries would be like, “Hey, you’re from America, where they elected that mentally challenged guy. That’s awesome.”

[Picture changes to a group of people in a protest.]

Hundreds of marches took place around the world today to protest president Trump’s first year. Single handedly saving the pink yarn industry. Yeah, I support the women’s movement. But it’s kind of hard to take someone serious wearing a vagina hat. If Martin Luther King gave his speech wearing a black penis hat, he’d probably still be alive today.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of White House at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The first year in office typically ages a president a lot. But here’s Trump a year ago, and here’s Trump now. [showing two pictures of Donald Trump] Not that big of a difference. But let’s see how it has affected the news anchors who have to report on Trump. Here’s Anderson Cooper a year ago. [Picture changes to Anderson Cooper] And here’s Anderson now. [Picture changes to Gandalf]

This also marks the year anniversary of republicans controlling all three branches of government. So, let’s take a look at what they’ve managed to accomplish.

[Cut to a list. The list has only two things, tax bills and government shutdown.] [Cut to Colin Jost. He is drinking his coffee.]

Michael Che: That’s it?

[Colin Jost puts his coffee mug down.]

Colin Jost: That’s it. Great. Truly inspiring.

Weekend Update Minister of Loneliness

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of British flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Thinking of which, the British government has appointed a minister of loneliness to deal with health problems standing from social isolation. This replaces the current British minister of loneliness, Sam Smith. [Picture changes to Sam Smith.]

Coincidentally, minister of loneliness was also my nickname in middle school. [Picture changes to Colin Jost’s young photograph] [Cut to Michael che. there’s a picture of a hand holding a dog lease at right top corner.]

Michael che: I didn’t know you were a lesbian in middle school. A Pennsylvanian man was arrested for walking his dog without wearing any pants. Even worse, he was walking em’ to get more peanut butter.

Trump Doctor Press Conference Cold Open

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Ronny Jackson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Kate Mckinnon

Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Sarah Huckabee Sanders speaking at the press conference in the White House.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Alright, alright. Thank you all. Thank you all for being here. First off, I’d like to wish everybody a happy women’s march. A million women strong out there to celebrate the president’s first kick ass year in office. Ha-ha-ha. We did it, girls. Now that the senate has adjourned, I know y’all have a bunch of questions about the government shutdown. Now, president Trump maintains that any deal he signs must include a border wall. And he has been consistent that it must be a solid physical wall with some parts see through, some parts fence and some parts empty spaces that just operates on the honor system. And it will be paid for by Mexico with US tax payer money. And if you want to blame somebody for the shutdown, blame senator Chuck Schumer. #SchumerShutdown. Please, let’s get it trending, guys. And now, onto the most important news of the week. I have again asked White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson to come out here and tell you about how not fat the president is. Okay? Dr. Jackson?

[Dr. Ronny Jackson walks in. Sarah Huckabee Sanders slaps Dr. Ronny Jackson’s ass and walks away.] Hit em’ boss!

 Dr. Ronny Jackson: Oh. Thank you. Alright. Um, once again, this is the president’s unbiased 100% accurate health assessment. At the time of examination, the president was 71 years and 7 months young. His rest in heart rate was a cool 68 BPM. His weight, a very stealth, 239 pounds. He has a gorgeous 44 inch coke bottle waist. His height, 75 inches with legs that seem to go on forever. Size twelve shoes, so you can fill in the blanks there. It’s my expert medical opinion that the president’s got a rocking bod, with a perfect amount of cushion for the pushing. And if given a chance, I would. Are there any questions? Yes.

[Cut to Cecily from the press]

Cecily: Some people are saying these results are fabricated because they’ve taken even one look at the president. What do you say to that?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Again, let me be clear, the president is in peak physical condition. Now, he does take Crestor for his cholesterol which is normal. He takes Propecia as an inside joke. He takes Asprin for his heart. And he has been pounding pineapple juice to keep everything sweet. Okay? I’m telling you. This hunk is healthy enough to be president for at least another 10 to 20 years easy. Next question.

[Cut to Kate from the press]

Kate: Yeah, thanks. There has been questions about the president’s mental fitness and the White House is of course push back on that. Now, since you’ve examined him personally, my question is how broke that brain?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Okay, we did do a cognitive exam at the president’s request. And he passed it with flying colors. Almost no hints.

[Cut to Mikey from the press]

Mikey: The president has bragged about scoring higher on that test than any other president. Is that true?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: In fairness, no other president has been given this exam. We typically only use it to make sure someone’s not severely brain damaged, or a monkey in people clothes. But the president grabbed me by the collar and insisted on taking it anywy. And let me tell you, his grip is unnaturally strong. He’s got the strength of a guy that would fail that test, if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Pete from the press]

Pete: Hi. Did the president mention anything about his sexual encounter with that pornstar, Stormy Daniels?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. Sarah Huckabee Sanders runs in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hey, hey, hey. What’s your name and who are you with?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Pete Davidson. Saturday Night Live.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, listen Pete Davidson. Doctor isn’t taking any questions about that. So you can just go!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, rack! I was supposed to be at work right now anyway.

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Hey, actually, I can’t confirm whether the president and Ms. Daniels had relations or not. But I can tell you that if they did, she’s a lucky woman. Okay, and at his request, we also gave the president a sex exam and he blew the doors off that sucker. He nailed every position perfectly. As a medical staff, we tried to stay in partial, but when he was done, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. It was truly beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi from the press]

Heidi: I’m sorry. All of this information just sounds pretty ridiculous. You don’t expect us to really believe this, right?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. ! walks in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay. You head the doctor. The president has passed every exam we gave him. Physical exam, mental exam, the tad pod challenge, crushed it! But we got a government shutdown to deal with, y’all. So you need to scoot! Alright?

Sarah and Ronny: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Taco Math

Heidi Gardner

Jessica Chastain

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Heidi: Sure, yeah, holidays are fun, but I’m glad to be back in LA. And I’m ready to kill it this New Year.

Jessica: Well, yeah. I have such a good feeling about 2018. I’ve already started reading a book. My resolution was to expand my mind.

Heidi: Oh, my god! So was mine. I’m like, a week into this brain work app I downloaded. It’s just like, 30 seconds seconds a day a math, 10 seconds of word search, and 20 seconds of shapes. It’s like, one minute a day and I’m already smarter.

Jessica: That’s amazing. Those apps really work.

[Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Hey, ladies, did you decide what you wanted?

Heidi: Um, yes. I’m gonna have a bean tostada and a chicken taco.

Waiter: Okay. Tacos are buy one get one free. So, do you want another taco? It’s free.

Heidi: I mean I might waste it but, okay. I’ll just get another chicken Taco.

Waiter: Okay. And, for you?

Jessica: I’ll have cheese enchilada and a hard shell beef taco.

Waiter: Okay. You guys could do that deal together then.

Heidi: Wait, what?

Waiter: Um, she could have your taco.

Jessica: [to Heidi] Did you want a beef taco?

Heidi: No, I want it chicken.

Waiter: Yeah. She’d just be getting your beef one for free.

Heidi: But she want it beef.

Jessica: I ordered a hard shell beef taco.

Waiter: Yeah, yeah. You would get her free taco.

Heidi: Wait, I’m so confused.

Jessica: Me too.

Waiter: You know what? Don’t worry about it. I’ll just put it in.

Heidi: No, wait. Let me think coz I’m trying to use my brain more.

Waiter: Okay. Great.

Heidi: Oh, oh, I get it. But I’m getting two chicken. Are you cool with a chicken taco?

Jessica: That’s like, the one meat I feel bad about. I had a pet chicken when I was little and we were really close. But if I have to…

Waiter: No, you don’t have to. You can still get beef.

Jessica: I’m like, so confused. Wait, I can do this. Hold on. [thinking hard] [to Heidi] Did you want beef?

Heidi: Argh, usually I would, but I ate all this raw hamburger last weekend and I got really sick.

Jessica: Why did you do that?

Heidi: I was like, being funny. But, I mean, I like, literally have been throwing up beef for days. But I mean, I feel bad. I can get beef. I can’t promise I’ll keep it down.

Waiter: No, no, no. You don’t have to get beef. You can still stick with your original chicken.

Heidi: Oh my god, I think I’m gonna need my app for this. [Heidi pulls her phone out of her bag and shows it to Jessica] See, this is it.

Jessica: Aw, cute app.

Heidi: Ha-ha. That’s Cornelia. He brings me my homework but he’s actually pretty cool.

Waiter: Um, ladies, I can just–

Jessica: [interrupting] Excuse me! We got this!

Heidi: Okay. So, the blue square is the chicken taco. And if the red car is the beef taco.

Jessica: Then the free taco would be…

[Heidi and Jessica think hard but can’t figure out.]

Heidi and Jessica: I don’t know what it is.

Waiter: Okay. It’s easy. You’re just getting her free taco. Okay? So, it’s like you never ordered.

Jessica: But I did order. I was here. Did you not write it down?

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hi. I couldn’t help but overhear everything you’ve been saying. And I need for it to stop. Okay. I’m gonna pay for all your food, so now, all the tacos are free.

Jessica: No. Only one of them is free.

Heidi: Yeah. So, thank you but this is a private conversation.

Aidy: Oh my god!

[Aidy walks away]

Jessica: You know, we actually might need another minute with the food.

Waiter: Okay. Can I get your drinks? It’s two for one Margaritas.

Heidi: Oh, we can’t drink. We’re performing a surgery after this.

Jessica: Yeah, we’re surgeons.

Waiter: What? You guys are surgeons?

Heidi: Why? You think women can’t be surgeons?

Jessica: Let’s get out of here.

[Heidi and Jessica stand and leave]

Waiter: No, that’s not– that’s not what I said.

Movie Set with Jessica Chastain

Jackie… Leslie Jones

Cynthia… Jessica Chastain

Director… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Jackie packing her stuffs in office. Cynthia walks in.]

Cynthia: Judith, here’s the Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find somebody else. I quit.

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Jackie: Because I get paid less than any male lawyer here. We both do.

Cynthia: You’re kidding. How much less?

Jackie: This much. They mixed me and Tom’s check.

Cynthia: Whoa!

Jackie: Exactly.

Director: Cut!

[It’s a movie shooting. Jackie and Cynthia stop acting. Director walks in.]

Wow! Cynthia, Jackie, all I can say is wow. And that was just the first take? Wow!

Jackie: Thanks, director.

Cynthia: You really thought it was good?

Director: So good. But, can I just twig it a little bit? As we say in the industry, put a little stink on it.

Jackie: Sure. We love notes.

Director: Great! The good news is that I was once an actor too. So I speak your language. I’m of course talking a little show called ‘The Jeffersons.’

Cynthia: That sitcom from the 70s?

Director: Yes. And on that show, we really knew how to get to the emotion of a heart of a scene. There was no question what we were feeling. Let’s try something. [Director walks close to Cynthia] When Jackie tells you that she has quit, this has to rock your world harder than Huey Lewis in all the news. Let me show you what I mean. Jackie, can you feed me that line please?

Jackie: Okay. Find someone else. I quit.

[Director starts overacting. He fills his cheeks with air, opens his eyes wide open, nods his head a couple of times making noises.]

Director: You quit? Why? [to Cynthia] Does that make sense, Cynthia?

Cynthia: That seems like a lot. I don’t know.

Director: How to do it? Well, let me show you. Uh, you just jerk your chin back into your neck. And then you bite an imaginary hotdog into four pieces like this.[He fills his cheeks with air, opens his eyes wide open, nods his head a couple of times making noises.] And then you say, “You quit? Why?” Okay, let’s do this.

[Director walks out] [Clapper loader walks in with a clapperboard]

Clapper loader: Justice for Anne, scene 12, take two.

[Clapper loader walks out]

Director: And, action!

[Jackie and Cynthia start acting]

Cynthia: Judith, uh, here’s Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find someone else. I quit.

[Cynthia fills her cheeks with air, opens her eyes wide open, nods her head a couple of times making noises.]

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Director: Great! Cut!

[Director walks in]

How did it feel?

Cynthia: Career ending. Look, you seem like a nice man, but I’m not sure you have a handle on this material. Who did you play in “The Jefferson?”

Director: Oh, it was the role of a lifetime. I played a tramp who got caught making number twos into a front loading washer at George’s dry cleaners. It was one of those “I learned a lesson” episodes. [Director walks close to Jackie] Now, Jackie, let’s work on your part. When you say, “We all do”, you’re not just talking about the two of you being paid less. That refers to every women in the world. Maybe even on other planets. So, you have to say it loud, long, to let those sound wave really get there. So, tilt back, breathe deep, an a bellow. [loudly] “We all do.” Does that make sense? And also, Cynthia, when you see the check, I need you to look at it at least 40 times, because it’s such a surprise. Like this. [Director repeatedly looks at his hand pretending there’s a check.] Whoa!

Cynthia:  I can’t do this.

Director: Well, you have to trust me on this one. Do you think I would send you out there looking like a fool?

Cynthia: Well, the only credit I know you have is for taking a duke on a Maytag in episode of “the Jeffersons” 40 years ago.

Director: Stop flirting. [laughing and looking around] She started it. You guys are all my witnesses. Okay, let’s do this.

[Director walks out] [Clapper loader walks in with a clapperboard]

Clapper loader: Justice for Anne, scene twelve, take three.

[Clapper loader walks out]

Director: And action.

[Jackie and Cynthia start acting]

Cynthia: Judith, here’s the Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find someone else. I quit.

[Cynthia fills her cheeks with air, opens her eyes wide open, nods her head a couple of times making noises.]

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Jackie: Because I get paid less than any man who works here. [Jackie breathes in, shakes her head a couple of time and speaks loudly.] We all do.

[Jackie gives Cynthia a check to look at] [Cynthia repeatedly looks and the check and looks away.]

Cynthia: Whoa!

Director: Cut! [Director walks in] Alright! We are getting there. This is going to be a great commercial.

Cynthia: This is not a commercial. It’s a 120 page movie.

Director: Really? Am I on the wrong set? I thought this was for Cottonelle.

Cynthia: Get out here, please.

Jackie: You have to go.

Director: Ay, okay. Alright. Just let me use the Maytag, then I’ll start walking home. Um, does anyone has some spare cottonelle?

Jackie: Ew!