Weekend Update Willie About Blizzard

Willie

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Winter is in full swing with the first snow storm of the season hitting the north east this weekend. And I for one am not thrilled about it. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Well, happy blizzard, everybody! Don’t you just love it? I can’t wait to go home, wrap myself in a warm cozy blanket, grab a nice thick book and just start racking roaches.

Michael Che: Your apartment has that many roaches?

Willie: Well, squaders can’t be choosers, Michael! [Cut to Willie] It’s like the best removing crew said, “My god, there’s somebody alive in here.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s terrible, dude!

Willie: But, what about all the fun things you can do with snow? The snow angels, making snow balls and all rock salts you can eat.

Michael Che: You eat rock salt?

Willie: We all eat rock salt Michael.

Michael Che: No we don’t, man. We don’t.

Willie: Are you sure?

Michael Che: How is this supposed to make me any better about the winter?

Willie: Well, sounds like somebody’s got the winter blues. [Cut to Willie] You know, whenever I get the winter blues and needs some cheering up, I like to dress up in a little doggie costume I made, and I volunteer down at the animal shelter.

Michael Che: That’s actually kind of sweet, man!

Willie: Well, it’s like they always say. “Nice try, but we’re not gonna put you down, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: But you know who love blizzards? My old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] I remember one time, me and my brother took Lucias out on the frozen pond, but then the ice broke and I had to jump in the water and save old Lucias’s life. It’s like my mother always says, “You should have saved your brother, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Leonardo DiCaprio

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: ‘The Revenant’ is the number one film at the Box Office. Here with her review is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! Ha-ha! How are you doing, baby?

Colin Jost: Hi Leslie. So, what did you think of The Revenant?

Leslie Jones: I loved it. But more importantly, I realized something while watching it. I can have Leonardo DiCaprio.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, what?

Leslie Jones: Don’t what me, you sexy ass blizzard. I just wanna plow you! That’s right. I, Leslie Jones can have Leonardo DiCaprio. Whoo! Feels good to say it. Ha-ha! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Before today, our relationship was like Inception. Leo inside Leslie inside a dream. But soon it won’t be a dream, Colin. Coz I’m gonna lock his pretty Aviator ass down for keeps.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hold on. Are you planning to kidnap him?

Leslie Jones: I’m sorry. My ears can’t hear jealousy, Jost! I know you dream about being duck-taped in my trunk. But I don’t need to kidnap DiCaprio to keep him.

Colin Jost: Okay, so what do you have that all the women who’ve dated Leo don’t?

Leslie Jones: In a word, everything. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Leo, I’m just gonna talk to you right now. [looking at the camera] Hi, Leo. I’m Leslie Jones and I’m a funny bitch. With her own place, great job, and I understand most of your movies. And I’m crazy good in bed. I even make you a ham sandwich after sex. [Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost] You ever had a ham sandwich after sex, Jost?

Colin Jost: I can’t say I have.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. I know you ain’t. All the women you and Leo date ain’t got nothing in a refrigerator but food, water and kombucha juice.

Colin Jost: Kombucha?

Leslie Jones: Kombucha.

Colin Jost: Hold on. Your secret to getting Leo is a ham sandwich?

Leslie Jones: Yeap! And I’m not talking about that cheap ass lunch meat either. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’m talking about the ham that you put into oven with the pineapples. And while you in the bathroom washing your junk off in the sink, I’ll already be in the kitchen butt naked cutting hams singing,

Leo, do you want some mustard!
on your ham sandwich
on your ham sandwich

Not that cheap ass yellow mustard either that you gotta shake coz the other thing comes out first. I’m talking about that fancy mustard that the white people be eating in a back of their Rolls Royce.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait a–

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: See, I know what no other women knows, Leo. Leo, you need a lady that can make you laugh! Coz while anyone of them other little pretty bitches can give you an orgasm, I’m the only woman that can give you a laugh-gasm.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And can I ask what is a laugh-gasm?

Leslie Jones: Oh! Look who’s all interested now that I’m with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Colin Jost: Come on. That’s not it. You’re not with him.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Always the way. Well, if you must know, he would definitely experience something like this.

[showing the laugh-gasm reaction.]

And when I’m done with him, his lips won’t be the only thing that checked. That’s for damn sure.

Colin Jost: Okay right. So, you mean his penis.

Leslie Jones: Of course I’m talking about his penis, Colin. What you think?

Colin Jost: Alright, my bad! Leslie Jones, everyone!

Leslie Jones: That’s DiCaprio Jones baby. Call me Leo.

Colin Jost: Do not call her.