Weekend Update- Trump’s Facebook Reinstated, George Santos Admits to Dressing in Drag

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Facebook announced that it will reinstate former President Donald Trump’s account. But this time they’ll put guardrails in place to keep him under control. Which I think is the same thing they said every time they tried to reopen Jurassic Park.

Also, What even are guardrails on Facebook? And can they apply to my uncle? Because he’s posted some very disturbing fan fiction about the green m&m.

[picture changes to Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama]

In the wake of the classified documents scandal, representatives for Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama issued statements saying they all turned over all classified records before leaving office. While Jimmy Carter issued a statement saying, “Come and get em’, you bastards.” [picture changes to Jimmy Carter as Scarface.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Pence.]

Michael Che: Sassy Jimmy Carter. A lawyer from Mike Pence says that after they discovered classified documents in his home, Pence stands ready and willing to fully cooperate. Incidentally, “I stand ready and willing to fully cooperate” is also what pence says before sex.

[picture changes to Taylor Swift]

During the Senate hearings investigating, Live Nation and their monopoly on concert ticket sales fans of Taylor Swift protested outside the capitol. Oh, that’s sweet. And only two years after their dads were there. [picture changes to Capitol riot] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rick Scott.]

Colin Jost: Senator Rick Scott, seen here learning that Harry Potter is falling into his trap, announced that he is running for reelection promising to finish the border wall and name it after Donald Trump. Even though most things named after Donald Trump are complete failures. [picture changes to Donald Trump Jr.] [picture changes to George Santos]

George Santos admitted that while living in Brazil, he did dress in drag but said he was not a drag queen. Okay, honey, we knew that from your contouring.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rhonda McDaniel]

Michael Che: Rhonda McDaniel was reelected as chair of the Republican National Committee and a closer than expected vote over challenges, Harmeet Dhillon, MyPillow CEO Mike Lynn Dell, Twitter use CAT_TURD_2, Kevin Sorbo Kyle Rittenhouse and of course, Colin Jost. Congratulations, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Google logo.]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Thank you. That election was rigged. Google announced that it is cutting 12,000 jobs, while Yahoo announced that it is now run by a family of raccoons.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis criticized laws banning homosexuality as unjust saying that it’s not a crime even though Catholic doctrine views homosexuality as a sin. He also stressed that Catholic doctrine use age as nothing but a number.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disney World.]

Colin Jost: Disneyworld is closing Splash Mountain to turn it into Tiana’s by you adventure after complaints that it’s Song of the South theme was racist. Okay, but where’s the outrage about Disney forcing a mentally challenged dwarf to mine blood diamonds?

Weekend Update- TikTok Fights Texas Ban, Chipotle Hiring for “Burrito Season”

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Dallas Zoo.]

Colin Jost: The Dallas zoo has been dealing with the disappearance of several animals, including a leopard, monkeys and a vulture. In an unrelated story. Check out my amazing coat. [picture changes to Colin wearing coat made of those animals’ skins] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of TikTok logo.]

Michael Che: Officials that TikTok are trying to stop efforts in Congress to ban the app by launching a campaign called ‘Project Texas’ because tick tock is their baby. And they know Texas won’t let them get rid of it.

[picture changes to an article that says “Chatbot lets people talk to Jesus and Hitler”]

A new AI Chatbot as created controversy after it allowed users to talk with Jesus and Hitler, and one guy who thinks he’s both. [picture changes to Kanye West]

It’s just news guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a chihuahua.]

Colin Jost: A 23 year old Chihuahua in Ohio named Spike has been officially named the world’s oldest living dog. The secret to spikes long life? A lot of chihuahuas look the same.

[picture changes to Chipotle logo]

Chipotle has announced plans to hire 15,000 people to prepare for its busiest time of year which they are calling burrito season. And toilets are calling the apocalypse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Antartica.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Antarctica have discovered a 17 pound meteorite. Sadly it was on top of the last polar bear.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Site paying for people to eat cheese before bed”.]

Colin Jost: A mattress review site is paying people to test the theory that eating cheese before bed will give a person nightmares. But if you’re in bed, eating cheese till you pass out, your life is already a nightmare.

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Doorman Carl on the New York Rental Market

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York is expected to be the most expensive rental market in 2023. Here to talk about it is the new doorman to my building, Carl.

[Carl slides in]

Carl: Ay! What’s up, Mr. Che? How are you doing, man? Just a little reminder, I noticed that you haven’t given me end of the year tip yet.

Michael Che: You just started.

Carl: Oh, well maybe soon then. Mam, you remember that night when things got wild? I talked to the police for you?

Michael Che: I don’t remember that.

Carl: I know right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Carl: Hard to keep track of all the crazy nights when Mr. Michael Che is your tenant. Tough to remember which night is wild? And which night is just ruggle? Oh man, we living that life, Che.

Michael Che: We?

Carl: Yeah, man. We doing the damn thing? My dog. [looking around] So what’s this? What do you do here, man?

Michael Che: This is SNL, man. It’s my job.

Carl: Oh, okay. Oh, so you just out here making the big bucks in a half suit and jeans. Hey buddy, Che. Che.

Michael Che: What, man?

Carl: You know that lady came around looking for you again. Right?

Michael Che: Who?

Carl: You know the one. That lady. She like, real smart.

Michael Che: All right.

Carl: Always mad. She came to the building again asking about you, man. But don’t worry. I told her you moved to Jamaica. I did good, right?

Michael Che: Why would you say that? I’m absolutely here in New York on live TV right now.

Carl: Yeah, she ain’t watching.

Michael Che: Okay, well, thank you Carl.

Carl: Hey, Che! Che! You know, that little kid came around looking for you, right? He was talking about, “Tell Che my mama said he got to take me to the zoo.” He said his name was DeMichael or something. I don’t know, man. I’m just a vessel.

Michael Che: Oh my god. That’s not my kid.

Carl: That’s right. That’s what I told that little dummy. That’s right. Che, teamwork make the dream work. Up top, man.

Michael Che: Well, thank you for stopping by man. I really—

Carl: Hey, Che! You know, that dog came around looking for you, right? He got that bark like, “Hrrr, hrrr, Che, Che, Che, Che.” I swear, that’s what he’d be saying, man. I understood the dog talking. Yeah. Hey, man. Who is Cornelius?

Michael Che: I don’t know.

Carl: You sure? Because every night at eight o’clock, this man shows up and leaves one shoe on my desk and says, “Tell Michael Chang this is from Cornelius. And if he wants the other shoe, tell him to meet me under the bridge.” Bro, New York is wild, man.

Michael Che: Okay, now I know you have to go. I mean, I mean, who’s watching the building right now?

Carl: Oh, no. Don’t worry. I put a sign up there, says “If you look up Michael Che, just call 9Carl7-7Carl—

Michael Che: No, don’t give them my phone number.

Carl: Why not?

Michael Che: That’s against the rules.

Carl: It is? Well, I guess that’s why I’m a doorman and you here making crazy money using that desk to hide your dirty jeans.

Michael Che: Carl, my doorman, everybody.

Carl: Hey man, there were six cats looking for you.

Weekend Update- Angel on the Return of Wendy’s Vanilla Frosty

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Creed… Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week Wendy’s announced they’d be bringing back their vanilla frosty after a brief hiatus in 2022. Here to talk about it with her good news report is every boxers girlfriend from every boxing movie about boxing ever.

[Angel slides in]

Angel: Hi, hi.

Michael Che: How are you doing? How are you, Angel?

Angel: I’ve been better.

Michael Che: Does your boyfriend Tommy have a fight tonight?

Angel: He better not. Because the last guy hit Tommy so hard, there’s no more clams in his shoulder. I love him so much. But I swear to God, if he fights again, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

Michael Che: Got it. Well, in good news, the Vanilla Frosty is making a comeback.

Angel: Oh, come on.

Michael Che: What is it?

Angel: Wendy’s? You think of a Vanilla Frosty has a shot going up against chocolate? You’re sick? So Vanilla Frosty, if I see you back on the value menu, I’m not taking the kids to Wendy’s. I’m taking the kids to my sister’s. All of them. All of them. Mikey, Nikki, Pepper, Quinoa and the twin.

Michael Che: You’ve been doing okay, Angel?

Angel: Barely, barely. I’m doing a lot better than Tommy I can tell you that. Creed ruined him, Che.

Michael Che: Wait, Tommy fought Adonis Creed.

Angel: Creed hit Tommy so hard, his eye flew out. Landed in Pepper’s lap. The one night I forgot to take the kids on my sister’s.

Michael Che: Jesus.

Angel: So where is he? I know Creed’s here. You’ve been advertising the fight all week. Creed versus Lil Baby live on Peacock.

Michael Che: No. Angel, there’s no fight tonight.

Angel: Oh yeah?

Michael Che: No.

Angel: Then what’s all this? Cameras. Sold out crowd. I’m looking at Jamie Foxx at Gina Gershaun sit in front row next to cocaine bear.

Michael Che: That’s just a black guy sitting next to a white woman in a big coat.

Angel: I don’t care. I want Creed.

[Creed slides in] [cheers and applause]

Creed: Angel.

Angel: Adonis creed, you know you’re the reason my kids dad watches more sesame street than they do?

Creed: You ever think about us, Angel?

Angel: Don’t.

Creed: Huh? Remember? Before Tommy, there was Creedy.

Angel: You remember Lil Nicky? He’s yours, Creed.

Creed: What? Tommy never asked why one of his kids is black?

Angel: Tommy don’t see color.

Creed: That’s nice.

Angel: No, he don’t see any color, numbers or shapes. His potato is baked, Creedy.

Creed: Angel, look at me. You’re coming home with me tonight.

Angel: But what about Tommy? What about the kids?

Creed: Listen, from now on, I’m taking the kids to your sister’s.

[Angel and Creed hug each other]

Michael Che: Every boxer’s girlfriend and Adonis Creed, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Video Game Session

Stephen… Andrew Dismukes

Trace…Michael B. Jordan

Danny… Bowen Yang

Frank… Mikey Day

Marcello Hernandez

Stephen: Okay, guys, thank you for being here to lay down some voiceover for the much anticipated Street Fighter 6 game.

Trace: Excited to be here. Thanks.

Danny: Thrilled to be on board. Whoo!

Stephen: And thanks for coming in last minute, Danny. Our last actor Frank quit due to creative differences. And because I slept with his wife.

Marcello: Argh, actors.

Stephen: I know. So Trace, you’ll be playing Ken, a former US national fighting champ.

Trace: I’m totally in my element. I served for years.

Stephen: And Danny you are a martial artist seeking true strength, Ryu.

Danny: Whoo, love.

Stephen: All right, well, for this first take, let’s just get both of you recording efforts. Taking blows, landing hits, that kind of thing.

Marcello: I’m rolling.

Stephen: And action.

Trace: Uh, ugh, ah, hah, hai-yah, urghh.

Stephen: Yes, that’s great. Danny, let’s get the same from you.

Danny: Okay. Whoo! Wohoo! Ah-woo! Yay! Whoo!

Stephen: Let’s cut. Let’s cut.

Danny: That was really fun. Thanks for letting me play.

Stephen: Yeah, so I guess we were looking for more grunts, you know? You’re fighting, you’re in pain.

Danny: Oh, I see. [looking at Trace] So maybe do it like you’re fighting or you’re in pain.

Trace: Okay, got it. Got it. Got it.

Stephen: No, no, Trace. You don’t need to change what you were doing. But Danny, maybe it’s more aggressive, animalistic, that kind of thing.

Danny: Hmm, yes, Chef.

Stephen: All right. And Action.

Trace: Ugh!

Danny: Whoo!

Trace: Uh!

Danny: Aru!

Trace: Huuuh!

Danny: Woof!

Trace: Wouf!

Danny: Wouf! Wouf!

Trace: Hoof! Hoof!

Danny: Meow!

Trace: Oink!

Danny: Snake!

Trace: Ka-ka-doo-doo.

Stephen: Cut. Okay, no. Trace, don’t match what he’s doing.

Trace: Oh, okay. He’s just an amazing scene partner. So.

Danny: Thank you. And I was just taking your note. You said to do animals.

Stephen: Yeah, but I said a bunch of stuff before that.

Danny: Well, I have auditory recency bias. So you can’t say that to me. I could sue you.

Trace: Okay guys, guys. Please don’t fight. It reminds me of the war and of fighting.

Stephen: You know what? Let’s just move on. We need to get these quick verbal phrases to say during the fight. And action.

Trace: Take that.

Danny: Hey, I like your necklace.

Trace: What? This old thing? Thanks.

Danny: See? Kindness wins.

Trace: You’re right. Let’s not fight it.

Danny: Yay, I forgot to ask. What are your pronouns?

Trace: He/him.

Stephen: Cut.

Danny: I’ll tell him. Ken is he/they.

Stephen: Guys? We can’t use any of that.

Danny: Aww, that makes me sad. Is there a reason?

Stephen: Yes, it’s because no one sounds like that when they fight.

Trace: That’s actually not true. I mean, you remind me exactly as someone I served with in Iraq.

Danny: Oh, you went to Iraq? Where did you stay?

Stephen: Dan! Didn’t want to say this, but you just need to play a more hetero.

Danny: Okay, you should have just said that in the beginning. I got it. Let’s roll. Hey, brother, Ken, biceps looking huge.

Trace: You looking pretty swole yourself, bro.

Danny: I saw you changing in the locker room, but I was completely soft my dude.

Trace: How the hell do you know my name?

Danny: Hey, easy brother. My wife’s on this app.

Stephen: What are you talking about? This isn’t an app.

Danny: It’s a video game? Well, then brother. I’ll race you to the GameCube brother.

Stephen: What? Danny, Dan. Answered me honestly. Do you really think you would sound like this in a real fight?

Danny: Yes, I would brother.

[Frank walks in]

Stephen: Oh my god. Frank. What are you doing here?

Frank: I told you I’ll kill you for sleeping with my wife.

Trace: No. I’ll protect you. [pushing Frank] Ugh!

Danny: [hitting Frank] Whoo!

Trace: [slapping Frank] Ugh!

Danny: [pushing Frank] Meow!

Male voice: KO!

Stephen: Well, I’ll be damned. You two just saved my life.

Danny: No, Stephen, Ken and Ryu saved your life.

Towel Guys

Kenan Thompson

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with two towel guys talking to each other]

Kenan: And they looking man, they looking, they looking, and then somehow they find Nemo?

Marcello: No. That’s crazy, man. It’s a big ocean and like a small little fish.

Kenan: Oh man. They got lucky, man. What can I say? They got lucky?

Heidi: Hey, can I get a towel?

Kenan: Yeah, one more. Hey, you American?

Heidi: I am, yeah.

Marcello: Ellen Dememenemes?

Heidi: What?

Marcello: You know, the TV lady. Ellen Demenemes. She always come out dancing. You know what I mean? Like…

[Marcello and Kenan start dancing]

Heidi: Okay.

Kenan: You don’t know Ellen Demenemes? She married to the car. The Porsche. This chick is funny, man.

Heidi: Yeah, Ellen DeGeneres. Can I please have my towel?

Marcello: Of course. No problem.

Heidi: Okay, that took way too long.

Kenan: [mocking] Oh, I’m sorry. Way too long. You know? Last night I saw this movie ‘Mission Impossible’. But the mission not impossible because he gonna do it.

Marcello: They should call it ‘Mission He Probably Gonna Do It’.

Kenan: Right?

Michael: What’s up, fellas? Can I get a towel por favor?

Kenan: Oh, my friend is on dualingo.

Michael: Ah! You know, to show you a little taste.

Kenan: Yeah. You American?

Michael: Yeah, I’m from New Jersey.

Marcello: Oh, Tony Soprano.

Kenan: Tony Soprano.

Marcello: Give me a cannoli.

Kenan: Give me a cannoli.

Marcello: Give me a cannoli, or I’m gonna drown you.

Kenan: One thing about Tony, man. You don’t give him his Cannoli, he gonna drown you. That’s easy for him coz he’s strong.

Marcello: Hey man, here’s your towel.

Michael: Thanks. Gracias. Todo del banyo.

Marcello: Dualingo.

Kenan: You’re welcome for the bathroom, man. Did you guys see?

Mike: Ah, what’s so funny?  Did you guys see Ellen Demenemes?

[They start dancing]

Kenan: No, no. She’s not here.

Mike: Well, I just want to take in with my two favorite towel guys.

Marcello: Hey, question for you. Is it true that you trying to replace us with a machine?

Mike: No, no, no, I would never do that. No.

Kenan: Could you please?

Marcello: Yeah, man, because then we can do different job in the hotel. You know, I want to fold the toilet paper into a little triangle. So for the first wipe is crazy.

Kenan: Yeah. And I want to be the concierge. You know? I get a map. And then I circled things on the map. And then I say you can go down.

Mike: Well, as William Shakespeare once said, the very substance of the ambition is merely a shadow of a dream.

Sarah: Excuse me. I’ve been waiting 15 minutes for my umbrella.

Mike: Sorry, I no speak English. [Sarah leaves getting frustrated] Guys want to know a secret? I do speak English.

Marcello: Oh man, you’re crazy.

Kenan: Oh my god. Mamacitas, two o’clock.

Chloe: Hey, can we get a couple of towels?

Marcello: Oh yes, of course. This one for the old little mermaid and one for the new little mermaid.

Kenan: A whole new girl.

Chloe: Yeah, very funny, guys.

Ego: And that song is from Aladdin. Yeah.

Kenan: Aladdin?

Marcello: Like, climb on a-ladder?

Kenan: Climb on a-ladder.

James: Hey, I’m having the time of my life down here in Punta Cana.

Marcello: Oh, that’s nice.

James: Yeah, I love the way you’ll be playing with the plantain. I didn’t think I was gonna like it, but now I’m like banana for dinner? Okay.

Kenan: Hey, man, you know who you sound like? You sound like the Forrest Gump.

Marcello: Oh yeah. That guy who can’t find Yanni, you know? His brain don’t reach his leg, so he can run forever.

Kenan: So he can run forever.

James: Hey, I just want to thank you fellows for all your help today. Do you mind if I give you a little something for your trouble?

Kenan: Oh, yes. It’s okay, we accept tips, papi.

James: I’ll do you one better than a tip. How about a prayer? Here we go. Lord, please protect these wonderful Dominican gentlemen from the harsh rays of the sun Lord.

Marcello: That’s nice.

Kenan: I wanted the money.

James: Please, Lord, this morning, please put a cool fresh breeze in their hearts, Lord.

Marcello: That’s good.

Kenan: The money will be better.

James: And Lord, protect them from all evil in Jesus name. Amen.

Kenan: Alright. Thank you very much.

Marcello: You know Jesus is good.

Kenan: Yes, Jesus is good. Money is better. You know what I’m saying? Hey, you know who has a lot of money?

Both: Ellen Demenemes.

[they start dancing]

Southwest Airlines Announcement

Male voice: At Southwest Airlines, we pride ourselves on a smooth flying experience.

Heidi: But over the holiday season, we messed up. Our system collapsed and thousands of fliers were left stranded. And you understandably screamed at us for days on end, even more than you usually do.

Michael: And sure, we lost $800 million in revenue and are being investigated by the FAA.

Devon: Which is why this year we are dedicated to making things right with a better more modern Southwest experience.

Heidi: For starters, we are finally upgrading our entire communication system to 2008 Dell computers.

Devon: That’s right. We are saying bye-bye to those 2002 IBM ThinkPad laptops with a little red nipple in the middle.

Heidi: Also, no more missing baggage at baggage claim. Guaranteed.

Marcello: From here on out, all luggage will be sorted by color.

Mike: That makes it your responsibility, not ours.

Marcello: So if you’re going to Dallas, bring a red suitcase.

Mike: Don’t show up with a blue bag. Blue bags, go to Charlotte.

Michael: And make sure to get to the airport early to enjoy our new Southwest premier lounge located inside an active Starbucks. We just get there early and hold down two or three tables for y’all.

Devon: Southwest is also modernizing our entire air traffic control network.

Heidi: No more pen and paper. Our air traffic specialists will now be using our old IBM ThinkPad laptops with a little red nipple in the middle.

James: Now I get a proper flight schedule instead of finding out where I’m going 15 minutes before takeoff.

Punkie: And now, we’ve streamlining check in by not having one at all.

Andrew: We’re just trying to fill up the plane and go.

Punkie: “You showed your ticket at security, right? You’re good.”

Michael: We’re also upgrading our in flight staff strictly with people who used to work at Waffle House. So come at them if you want. These big bitches don’t play.

Heidi: Here at Southwest, mistakes you made, that’s on us. Mostly. Some of it’s on you.

Devon: Hey, man, let’s keep it real. You bought the ticket.

Heidi: Again, you bought a Southwest ticket. You obviously don’t respect yourself, so why should we?

Punkie: Thank you.

Michael: Thank you.

Heidi: Thank you.

All: For flying Southwest.

James: Welcome aboard. [the pilot opens his Aviators. He doesn’t have one eye.]

Male voice: Southwest Airlines. If it’s that important to you, just walk.

Roller Coaster Accident

Tanya… Chloe Fineman

Richard… Kenan Thompson

Francine… Sarah Sherman

Jason… Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with show intro]

Tanya: Welcome back to Good morning today. Later in the hour, we’ll be talking pitbulls. Who are they? What do they want from us and how are they so yoked?

Richard: But first, it’s time for America’s favorite segment, Cuisine with Francine.

Tanya: Can I just say I am so happy that Francine is back.

Richard: Yes, me too. As I’m sure most of our viewers know, Francine was gone yesterday because she got stuck on a runaway roller coaster going 150 miles an hour for 19 hours straight.

Tanya: But now she’s back better than ever and not the least bit face. Hi Francine.

[Cut to Francine. She has all her hair blown up and her mouth still open like air being blown to it.]

Francine: Hi Richard, hi Tanya. It’s great to be back. And I got some really exciting flavors to share with you all today.

Richard: Wow, Francine, you look nuts.

Tanya: Did you come here straight from the amusement park?

Francine: Sure did. Couldn’t be late to be back in the studio.

Tanya: Well, that’s great. Well, what’s on the menu today Francine.

Francine: Well, I hope you have your passports ready because today we’re off to Italia. Join me, will you?For a culture adventure that will have you say, “Mama mia.” Today we’re eating buffalo mozzarella, we’re gonna be eating crostini, cacio e pepe, and of course, a glass of chianti. Salute. [when she drinks the wine, the wine pours out of her mouth as it’s open] Now, that’s good vino.

Richard: Looks like that hit the spot.

Tanya: At least some part that got in.

Francine: Mmm, this is a complex wine. Almost as many twists and turns as my roller coaster ride from hell.

Richard: What?

Tanya: I think she I think she compared the wine to all those loop de loops. You know we actually have some video of that.

[cut to a video of a roller coaster running around very fast]

Richard: Yeah. Must be hard to watch, huh Francine?

Francine: What was that? I’m having trouble hearing you over the crispy crunch of my crispy crunchy crostini.

Richard: Alright, well, thanks Francine. Now it’s time for the weather with our very own Jason Burress.

[Cut to Jason. He also has all his hair blown up and his mouth still open like air being blown to it.]

Jason: Hi, guys. Coming in, and it looks like a doozy, all right.

Tanya: Obviously, we forgot to mention that Jason was also trapped on a roller coaster.

Richard: I actually think we have a picture of that.

[There’s a picture of Francine and Jason on a roller coaster]

Tanya: So how’s the weather looking, Jason?

Jason: It’s not good at all. We have snow coming in from the east. Uh huh. We have snow coming in from the west. Snow from the top, yeah. And snow from the bottom. Look, I’m dizzy as hell from the roller coaster ride.

Richard: Well, wait a minute. Something sure smells good.

Tanya: Oh, what are you cooking over there, Francine?

Francine: Just some minestrone soup. Be careful, it’s hot. You got to blow on it.

Jason: Umm, that looks dilicioso. [Francine pours the soup in Jason’s mouth. It gets spilled outside because his mouth is open.] Oh, dilicioso. Yes. It’s great. Dilicioso.

Tanya: Well, I guess you must be pretty hungry after that crazy ride.

Francine: Yes, the only thing we had to eat were the bugs that flew into our open mouths.

Jason: Bugs like bumblebees, cicadas, and one dog sized bat.

Francine: Now, that’s a spicy meatball. Would you care for some spaghetti, Jason?

Jason: Oh yes please. [Francine pouts the spaghetti in Jason’s mouth. It gets spilled outside because his mouth is open.]

Tanya: Oh my god, you guys are so cute together.

Richard: Of course. You probably got real close during your time together on the roller coaster.

Tanya: Wait, what are they doing now?

Richard: But think they’re doing a little lady in the tramp thing. Oh, so romantic.

Tanya: I’m sorry. Francine. Is there something under your shirt?

Francine: Oh, I lmost forgot. Say hello to my little friend. [It’s a bird that stabbed its head into Francine’s stomach]

Richard: Is that a bird kicking his little legs?

Jason: Yes, he flew straight into her stomach at 200 miles an hour.

Francine: The doctors say if I pull it out, both of us will die. Now, back to you guys.

Tanya: All right, coming up next, our exclusive interview with a teenage boy who operated the roller coaster, and why he did nothing to stop it.

Andrew: Two reasons. Too dumb and too high.

Party in Palm Springs

Vince… Michael B Jordan

Ego Nwodim

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Punkie Johnson

Janinaneen … Heidi Gardner

[Starts with four ladies having a bachelorette party]

All: Cheers! Whoo!

Ego: After all this wedding planning, I needed this Palm Springs trip, okay?

Sarah: Well your bachelorette weekend ain’t over yet, honey.

[doorbell ringing]

Ego: Oh my gosh, don’t tell me. Don’t tell me.

Sarah: It’s about to get hot in here.

[Vince walks in in a Fireman uniform with a hose]

Vince: Hello ladies, my name is Vince. And I just got word that y’all buildings out of code. And that makes me horny.

[music playing] [Vince starts dancing]

Ego: You guys are so bad. This is what I’m talking about.

Vince: I’m about to introduce y’all to my friends, Pop and Lock. [showing his two arms]

Chloe: Yay, he’s so hot.

Sarah: You’re welcome. I saw him on the website and I was immediately rock hard.

Ego: Okay, okay. Mr. Pop and Lock, go on.

Punkie: Oh my god, this is crazy.

Chloe: Okay, how red is my face right now?

Vince: Well, we all gonna be off tonight girls. We all go on blush. Your turn bride to be.

[Vince danced in front of Ego] [doorbell ringing]

Ego: Oh-oh. Wait, do we have another firefighter?

Punkie: Not that we paid for.

Janinaneen: Hey, I’m sorry to bug y’all. Vince babe, my phone died.

Punkie: What? Who is that?

Vince: Oh, my bad. This is my wife, Janinaneen.

[Janinaneen walks in. She’s pregnant.]

Janinaneen: Hey. Sorry. I hate to ask. Can I change my Galaxy for literally two minutes?

Chloe: Sure. I guess.

Janinaneen: Oh, thank you so much. My mom got glute surgery today and we’re just praying she’s okay.

Vince: Wow, the hospitality is biblical. Thank you queens. Urgh. You alright, babe?

Janinaneen: Um, I’m charging. Oh, pictures on my mom’s new ass just came in. She made it. God is good. God is good. Okay, now watch my king strip. Hit it.

Vince: Where was I? Oh, yeah, I’ll introduce y’all to my friends, Pop and Lock.

Janinaneen: Oh yeah, there he is. Sit on them, Vince. Sit on them.

[Vince sits on Punkie and dances] [Janinaneen moves closer and puts her pregnant belly on Chloe’s face and starts dancing]

Yeah, he made this. He made this. He made this. He made this. He made this.

Chloe: Okay. No. Okay. I am so sorry. I can’t, you guys. I can’t.

Ego: Yeah, you know, I think I was envisioning just like one dancer and not like a pregnant woman with a really long phone charger.

Janinaneen: Girl, don’t hold back because of me. You can touch him. You can kiss him. I promise you, I don’t mind, [pointing at her pregnant belly] and she don’t mind.

Vince: See? See? See? I love that about us. 100% trust. [in Ego’s ears] Oh, I hope and pray to God you find that in your wedding. Oh. I hope and pray to god.

Ego: Okay. Thank you.

Vince: Hit it. Hit it. Because that one my friends, that keeps the relationship alive. It keeps the sexuality alive.

[Vince and Janinaneen start dancing. The ladies start to move away from them.]

Punkie: Okay. This is getting just a little bit weird.

Sarah: Guys, we already paid him the 30 bucks. Just let him finish.

Ego: 30 bucks? My peanut butter cost 30 bucks.

Punkie: Bitch, where you getting peanut butter?

Chloe: Okay, I’m sorry, are they praying?

Vince: I humbly thank God for the power strip. Umm.

Janinaneen: And I pray the lord for these Chickies for letting me charge my galaxy.

Both: Amen.

Vince: Whoo! Where was I? Oh yeah, that’s right. I was introducing y’all to my two friends, Pop and Lock.

Ego: We already met them.

Janinaneen: [putting the water hose between her legs like penis] Hey hoes, who wants to ride his hose? [She’s touching the hose on Chloe’s and Sarah’s faces]

Sarah: This is stressing me out. I feel like we’ll end up on the news.

Chloe: Okay, alright. Okay, alright, enough. We’re done. We’re done.

Punkie: Yes, this is not what we paid for. Okay?

Janinaneen: No, you got more than what you paid for. Three strippers for the price of one.

Ego: Ma’am please stop referring to your fetus as a stripper.

[Janinaneen’s water breaks]

Janinaneen: Oh my god, my water broke.

Chloe: Oh my god.

Ego: Wait, how pregnant is she?

Vince: Just a little over a year, but whatever.

Punkie: What? Oh my god. I’m calling an ambulance.

Janinaneen: WE don’t have time. I’ll have the baby here with my girls.

Vince: We got this, girls. We got this. Okay, hit the music.

[music playing]

All: Push, push, push. Push, push, push. Push, push, push.

Michael B. Jordan Monologue

Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Michael B. Jordan.

[Michael B. Jordan walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Michael B. Jordan: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be here. My name is Michael B. Jordan. But tonight, Michael B hosting. Michael B joking. And honestly, Michael B nervous. Michael B vulnerable. But don’t worry, Michael B alright. Because Michael B in therapy.

It’s been a great week here in SNL. Yesterday, I had a crazy full circle moment. We pre shot some videos for the show. And when I got to the studio, I realized it was the exact same place where I shot one of my first acting roles on the soap opera “All my children”. I was 16 years old. Here’s a clip.

[Cut to old video clip]

Michael B. Jordan: I told you in the beginning that you set the pace.

Female actress: So you’re not mad?

Michael B. Jordan: No. Most of the times, the animal and me just kiss kind of crazy. [howling] [cut back to SNL stage]

Michael B. Jordan: Pretty sure I hit puberty mid how. That was 2003. And now 20 years later, I just directed my very first movie Creed III. Right after that, I went through my very  first public breakup. Now most people after a breakup are like, “I’m gonna get in better shape.” But I was already in Creed shape. So I had to be like, “Alright, I guess I’ll learn a new language.” Anyway, [foreign language]. After the break up, everyone thought I was so heartbroken because when the news came out, I was at a basketball game and they caught me looking like this. [picture of him at a basketball game appears] Look, I was just chilling, but the internet decided that that was me being sad. Luckily for me, if you Google sad Michael Jordan, the first 8000 results are this. [picture of Michael Jordan crying appears] [Chloe Fineman walks in laughing]

Chloe Fineman: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hey Michael.

Michael B. Jordan: What’s up, Chloe?

Chloe Fineman: I know you’re single, but did you know that I’m single?

Michael B. Jordan: But don’t date that hot writer?

Chloe Fineman: Not if you’re available. Hey, could you remind me how to spell your number?

[Heidi Gardner jumps in]

Heidi Gardner: Hey, Chloe, don’t you have to go away?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, I’m sorry, bitch.

Heidi Gardner: Hey, Mikey B. Mind if I call you Mikey B?

Michael B. Jordan: I’d rather you not.

Heidi Gardner: Ou, a man who knows what he wants. I like that. You know, I have a Creed poster in my bedroom.

Michael B. Jordan: Oh, nice. I always dreamed of people having my own poster up on the wall.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah. Wall, ceiling, printed onto a body pillow, whatever.

[Ego Nwodim jumps in wearing a wedding dress]

Ego Nwodim: Excuse me. Gone bitch. Hey, Michael. I didn’t even know you were out here.

Michael B. Jordan: You didn’t know I’d be on stage delivering my own monologue?

Ego Nwodim: Sorry, I was just taking a walk around the studio and I just threw on. On my god, is this a wedding dress? I guess we could technically get married right now then.  Huh?

Michael B. Jordan: That’s not how that works.

Ego Nwodim: Aww, our first fight. Should we have a makeup sex?

Michael B. Jordan: That ain’t gonna happen.

Ego Nwodim: Fine, Michael.

[Punkie Johnson walks in]

Punkie Johnson: Michael, Michael, Michael. Boy, you looking fine as ever as always.

Michael B. Jordan: What you doing, Punkie?

Punkie Johnson: I got the same suit like you got.

Michael B. Jordan: Come on, come on. Aren’t you gay?

Punkie Johnson: I am. But you Michael B. Jorda. And I’m Punkie B. curious. I mean, even vegans got cheat days, right?

Michael B. Jordan: No, they don’t.

Punkie Johnson: Ha-ha-ha. Boy, you’re so funny. I’ll see you at the after party, baby.

Michael B. Jordan: Look, I just want to say I’m so grateful to be standing on this stage. You know, sometimes I can take myself a little too seriously. But tonight, I’m gonna have fun. I’m just gonna go for it. It maybe, just maybe, let the inner animal get a little crazy. All right? [howling]  We got a great show for you tonight. Lil’ Baby is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.