Weekend Update Three Guys Who Just Bought a Boat

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The NFL playoffs continue this weekend. Here with his tailgating tips is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Ha-ha-ha. Are you ready for some deez-balls? It’s good to beach here.

Colin Jost: I really hated that opening.

The guy: Hey, Colin, I haven’t seen you since that party we had to get COVID on purpose. Great idea by the way, co-jo.

Colin Jost: No. No. I have no idea what you’re talking about. No.

The guy: That’s true. My bro-bro from a No-hoe here told me the same thing many women have. Let’s just get this over with.

Colin Jost: No. That did not happen. No.

The guy: It did. Anyway, it’s football season and if you want to nail your date, you’re gonna have to tell some gate, okay? If you want a touchdown there, here are some just the tips to turn her tight end into a wide receiver. Make your starting– Oh! Make– Hah! Here we go. You’re not gonna like this, guys. Make your starting lineup some beautiful cans. Okay? I’m talking about brewskis, give her some Inklings to get her tingling and pretty soon you’ll be like a running back pounding it up the middle. I have a small penis. What got there?

Colin Jost: What was that?

The guy: I have a small penis. What are you, new here? Hey, wait. Something different around here? I’m getting some sort of message, like, a Blippar from another Skipper? Yep. My tighty whities spidey sense is tingling. Ah! Someone bought a boat. [pointing at Colin Jost]

The guy: No. I don’t think. I don’t know. I don’t really know what you’re talking about.

Colin Jost: I’m getting word in my sidepiece. Breaking news, my boy Coy Joy and SNL boy toy are saying a-hoy-hoy to an aquatic toy-toy. That’s right, Colin and Pete bought a ferry boat.

The guy: All right. Well, fine. Here to talk about it is a guy who just bought a ferry.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey! We bought a ferry. The windowless van of the sea.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s very exciting. We thought the whole thing through.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know. Even the mayor tweeted about it, which is how I found out we have a new Mayor? What happened to Bloomberg?

The guy: I don’t know

Colin Jost: You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the new mayor last week.

Pete Davidson: Oh yeah, I’m gone as soon as my last sketch is over.

Colin Jost: Wait, so you guys bought it together, pulling a double teamer on this steamer. Ha-ha. Me likey. Way to get your deck sweat, boys. Classic boat owner behavior.

Pete Davidson: Actually, actually, there’s a third partner.

The guy: I’m glistening.

Pete Davidson: We bought it with this guy, Paulie Italia, which is the name of a real person and not a mafia themed wrestler. We’re boat people now, Colin. I mean, you always were. You look like, you know, you own the yacht they rend for rap videos.

Colin Jost: We are having trouble finding a place to dock though.

The guy: Oh, fellas, this happens to me all the time. Look, just start poking around downtown. It’ll eventually slip in somewhere. My thingy is a dinghy?

Pete Davidson: Well, actually, our boat is Pete Davidson00 feet long.

The guy: Ew. Look, it’s the width that counts. Mine’s like a tuna can.

Colin Jost: Also, we just keep– We’re gonna keep– No, that’s okay. We’re gonna keep the boat dock. You know, it’s not gonna move on its own power.

The guy: You’re my best friend Colin Jost. Wait, so your boat’s just gonna lay there? Tight. That’s just like me. There’s no motion in this ocean. When your pooner is on this schooner, all are bored (all aboard!). There’s no shame in paying for a tug. Co-Jo knows what I’m talking about.

Pete Davidson: So, it’s like with your penis?

The guy: No, Pete. They’re for a boat.

Colin Jost: Three guys who just bought a boat, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Coling Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Sarah Sherman on Staying Cozy in the Winter

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Shiver me timbers. It’s cold here at 30 Rock. Here to talk about staying cozy in the winter weather is our very own Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in] [cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey Sarah. So, you’re here to talk about the winter?

Sarah Sherman: That’s right. Winter rocks. All the bugs are dead. It’s amazing.

Colin Jost: Okay, so you don’t mind the cold at all.

Sarah Sherman: Collin. I’m cozy all winter long. I got pubes thicker than clothes.

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to talk about your pubes, Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m sorry. Does the bush stuff make you uncomfortable?

Colin Jost: I mean, I don’t know. A little.

Sarah Sherman: Okay, I’m sorry. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local female body inspector Colin Jost prefers hairless genitals”] This just in, local female body inspector Colin Jost, wishes his female coworker had hairless genitals like a blow up doll. Now, back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: That’s not– I don’t care about your body hair.

Sarah Sherman: Wow, Colin. Careful how you talk about my body. I’m basically your son’s age.

Colin Jost: So, you’re like six months old?

Sarah Sherman: You wish, sicko. You’d kill to change my diaper, wouldn’t you?

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sarah, that’s disgusting.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, you think that’s disgusting? You know what’s disgusting? The cost of housing in New York, Colin.Can you believe? Yeah. Can you believe I have to pay $Sarah Sherman00 A month?

Colin Jost: You pay $Sarah Sherman00 for rent. Where do you live?

Sarah Sherman: Wow. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Hamptons homeowner Colin Jost mocks comedian”] Wow! Breaking news. Hamptons homeowner  Colin Jost mocks struggling comedian for finding a good deal by living in his dog house.

Colin Jost: You live in my dog house? Sarah, what do you want for me?

Sarah Sherman: $6,000.

Colin Jost: I’m not giving you 6 grand.

Sarah Sherman: Your funeral. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost-Hansson has not a dime to spare”] In other news, wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost has not a dime to spare for SNL’s underpaid rookie, even though she was going to donate that money to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.

Colin Jost: You didn’t say that.

Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Can we talk about you and Che? It’s always ‘will they won’t they’ with you two. Why don’t you just get it over with and make out already?

Colin Jost: No. I’m not kissing Che.

Sarah Sherman: Wrong answer. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local sex bigot rejects queer love”] This just in. Local sex bigot Colin Jost violently rejects radical act of queer interracial Love.

Michael Che: You are so small minded, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, fine. You want to kiss? Let’s do it.

[Colin Jost leans towards Michael Che to kiss.]

Michael Che: [avoiding kiss] Whoa! Whoa! Hey!

[There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Jost thinks being gay is a… joke?”]

Sarah Sherman: Breaking news. Queer baiting Update anchor Colin Jost pretends to be gay for laughs.

Michael Che: Damn, Colin. You are the worst.

Colin Jost: Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: I want you guys to kiss.

Weekend Update New M&Ms Hong Kong Hamsters

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of m&m’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: m&ms announced that they’ve redesigned their iconic m&m characters after people requested that the brown m&m not look like a teacher who has sex with their students.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Prince Andrew and his ex girlfriend at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a new documentary, an ex girlfriend of Prince Andrew described Jeffrey Epstein and Julian Maxwell as Batman and Robin,. Come on, what does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Gen Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I don’t know. Careful Kyle, trying to get your memorabilia back is how they finally got OJ.

[Picture changes to Bono]

New interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2, adding “I also kind of hate Ireland.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Actor John Voight recently released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln spirit was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Wheel Of Fortune logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Longtime director of Wheel of Fortune has died at the age of 92. Said Wheel of Fortune viewers, “Wow. So Young.”

[Picture changes to the logo of the new show “Rings of Power”]

Amazon announced that their new “Lord of the Rings” TV series will be called “Rings of Power”, though I’m personally more excited for the spin off “Gollum in Paris”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map of Hong Kong and a rat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for COVID. they had to kill more than Michael Che000 of the pets. Okay, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class! [Picture changes to a group of children being shocked] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guitar and a flag of Canada at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by hiding it in his pants. Police caught the man when he got an erection and it sounded like this. [rock guitar solo playing] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car. They believe it’s the first step to eventually training women.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dwayne The Rock Johnson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said it’s just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Oldest person in US dies at 115” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of Colin JostColin Jost5. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for fentanyl.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on the Beijing 2022 Olympics

Michael Che

Chen Biao… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This weekend, NBC announced that it will not be sending any correspondence to the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing. Here to Communist Chinese trade minister and games organizer, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in] [cheers and applause]

Chen Biao: Hmm, I’ve never been with a trade, daddy. Ayy! What’s up Che Diaz?

Michael Che: I told you, I don’t get that reference. So, how is Beijing feeling about the Olympics?

Chen Biao: Oh, we are pumped. Everyone loves the Winter Olympics. Sliding down snow, sliding down ice, gravity’s got a point and she is the moment.

Michael Che: Well, how does China feel about NBC not sending correspondence?

Chen Biao: Oh, we’re fine. Are you guys okay? NBC is announcing the games from their studios in Connecticut. You know what else films in Connecticut? Maury. Good luck commentating over cries if you are not the father? I mean, how are you going to describe the atmosphere in this stadium? Like, “The vibe is 2AM in Stanford?” Have fun walking home at that hour from Metro North, Grayson.

Michael Che: Who is Grayson?

Chen Biao: Probably some coked out finance guy trying to find his escort in the Wendy’s parking lot.

Michael Che: Anyway, journalists that are in Beijing say the city is completely locked down.

Chen Biao: Well, it’s just for COVID safety. And the protocols aren’t even that restrictive. It’s plane, COVID test, bus, another test, another test, speed skating, anal swab.

Michael Che: Anal swab?

Chen Biao: It’s accurate, and it’s fun.

Michael Che: Okay, but lots of journalists are bringing burner phones to avoid being tracked.

Chen Biao: Burner phones? What is this? The Wire? Must be Season 2 because you’re white and no one cares.

Michael Che: Well, the biggest story is that several countries including the US are planning diplomatic boycotts over China’s human rights violations.

Chen Biao: Human rights. We don’t have that. [a cute picture of a baby pandd with Olympics logo on his belly appears] Plus, is this the face of a country that would violate human rights? Official games mascot Bing-Dwen-Dwen. As you can see, he’s a panda going to a rave. I don’t know, I designed him while I was on ketamine. He’s gonna try and hook up with Shawn white.

Michael Che: Great. So what do you have planned for the opening ceremony?

Chen Biao: Okay, well press release. I’m performing in it. The vibe is gonna be like, Beachella meets Wong Kar-Wai Film meets Dave Chappelle stand up special.

Michael Che: How’s it gonna be like Dave Chappelle stand up special?

Chen Biao: There’s gonna be a lot of people protesting after.

Michael Che: Looks like you’re really making light of some serious issues.

Chen Biao: Okay, fine. You want me to get real? Look, we’re hosting the Winter Olympics because no one else stepped up. It’s our party and we’ll spy if we want to. The IOC chose China and y’all knew what you were getting into. So, now what? We’re in bed and you have posts-nut clarity? Whatever, flop. If you need me, I’ll be skiing the slopes in my Gaga House of Gucci ski goggles. Father, son, house of Daddy.

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

Weekend Update Biden Presidency Enters Year 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden mark the end of his first year in office with the two hour press conference, because that’s how long it took to list everything that’s gone wrong. It was actually the longest presidential press conference in history. But as I’ve been told many times before, just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrsten Sinema at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senate Republicans lined up to shake Kyrsten Sinema’s hand after she voted against changing the filibuster to pass voting rights. Ah, the US Senate, keeping black folks down with a quiet handshakes since 1787. Senator Bernie Sanders suggested that he supports replacing fellow Democrats Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema. Damn Bernie, stabbing your own co-workers in the back as unforgiveable. I would never suggest Colin should be fired no matter how much better I think Bowen would be.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Several Trump White House staff members told the January 6th committee that if Trump made an unscripted statement in the middle of the attack, he would have made the situation worse. And I think that’s a pretty sound argument. No one has ever been like, “You know, who would be perfect to de-escalate the situation? Donald Trump.” Like, if he was trying to talk someone off a ledge, he’d be like, “Don’t jump. Even though your wife left you like a dog. This would be the perfect way to get back at her.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On his first day in office, Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin signed an executive order banning the teaching of critical race theory, which really isn’t that surprising coming from a guy who dresses like Leo in “Django unchained”.

[Picture changes to a person getting COVID vaccine shot]

A new study shows that the COVID vaccine does not cause infertility in men or women. Dammit, why did I get this?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Britain’s most eligible bachelor Prince Andrew officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that’s not the app with all the dancing teenagers. [Picture changes to TikTok logo]

Will Forte Returns Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Forte.

[Will Forte walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Will Forte: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, man. I am so excited to be here tonight. This is my first time hosting SNL. I was in a cast 12 years ago with
Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and Fred Armisen. So, it was really fun to see Kristen host. Then Bill. Then, Andy. Then Fred. Then Kristen again. Then Bill again. Then Jason. Seth Meyers. I mean, he’s one of my best buds, but you know, come on. He wasn’t really a sketch guy. He was just on Weekend Update. It doesn’t even count as being on the show? But he hosted, right? John Mulaney was a writer when I was in the cast, and then he hosted… four times! Four times. But hey, that’s okay. You know. I’m not bitter about it. Ha-ha-ha. I’m not. Save the best for last, right? Save the best for way last.

But look after 12 long years, tonight it’s finally my turn. My time to shine. Tonight is all about me.

[Kristen Wiig walks in]

Are you serious? Kristen. Hey! Yeah!

Kristen Wiig: Hey, Will. I am so excited you’re hosting?

Will Forte: Not a good time.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, yeah.

Will Forte: Yeah. Well, good to see you. Bye-bye.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, so I should go?

Will Forte: Yeah, I think so.

Kristen Wiig: You know, I flew in for this.

Will Forte: Oh, great. So, you know where the airport is?

Kristen Wiig: Alright, well, back to North Korea. It was really hard to get out.

[Kristen Wiig walks out]

Will Forte: Alright. I don’t love that she got more applause than when I came out. You know, I came out once when she was hosting, and I did something in her monologue. But I was polite enough to get less applause than her. Yeah. But look, my point is maybe the universe had a reason for making me wait to host. Maybe it wanted me to wait until MacGruber The series was streaming on Peacock. And speaking of MacGruber, I would like to officially announce the MacGruber has been picked up for season two. [cheers and applause] I would like to announce that. But it hasn’t been picked up yet, so I can’t. We’re waiting to hear. But I can announce that you’re in great hands tonight. You know. Strong, veiny, comedy hands. And look, if I could just take a serious moment, I’d like to say how much this show has meant to me. I started my career here. And they’ve always supported me.

[music starts playing in the backbround]

And wait a second. Are they playing me off? Are you are you playing me off in my own monologue? I waited 12 freakin years for this. I mean, have you seen some of the idiots they’ve had host the show since then. Kristin, Phil, Andy, Fred. Alright, fine. I’ll take one question you sir.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels in the audience]

Lorne Michaels: I’m so sorry Will. There’s been a mistake.

[Willem Dafoe walks in]

Willem Dafoe: Hey!

Will Forte: Wait. Willem Dafoe? You’re hosting next week.

Willem Dafoe: I’m pretty sure it’s this week.

Lorne Michaels: You think I would book someone named Will, then someone named Willem?

Will Forte: My god, this is not happening. But you texted me to come host, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels:I texted Willem and you know, autocorrect.

Will Forte:  Alright, fine, then, you know let’s have the fans decide once and for all.

[The poll “who should host?” appears on the screen. Willem Dafoe – 40%. Kristen Wiig – 40%. Maneskin – 10%. Will Forte – 5%. Abandon show, bring back Tom Hanks – 5%.]

Will Forte: Oh my god. 5%. Oh, I guess people do love me. Alright, we have a great show. I’m here. Maneskin is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Threesome

Tracy… Heidi Gadner

Tate… Mikey Day

Gannon… Will Forte

Tracy: Deluxe suite at the Radisson with a city view, not parking lot. Korbel champagne. You spoil me, Tate.

Tate: anything for my birthday girl. And I do mean anything.

Tracy: And the comments return.

Tate:  I’m sorry, my wife asked for a threesome with a random guy on line for her birthday. I think I have a right to make a comment or two.

Tracy: Honey, Gannon is not a random guy online. He’s an experienced third. And I thought you were okay with it.

Tate: I am. I am. I want you to be happy. I guess I’m just nervous.

Tracy: Don’t be. [knocking on the door] He’s here. Okay, now stop worrying and concentrate on making tonight beautiful.

[Tracy opens the door. Gannon walks in.]

Gannon: Hey, I’m Gannon and I’m here to have sex with you.

Tracy: Yes. Hi, I’m Tracy and this is my husband Tate.

Gannon: Hey there, Taint.

Tate: My name is Tate, not taint.

Gannon: Good. I was gonna say that’s a bad name. So look, I know it’s your first time doing this, but there’s nothing to worry about. My goal is to make sure everyone has a nice fulfilling experience. But safety first. Now, let’s see if this bed can handle the motion.

[Gannon walks to the bed slowly. Then he starts shaking the bed very roughly.]

Yeah, yeah, it’s not bad. It’s gonna work. Alright, well, let me get my Cialis here. Three pills has to do it.

Tracy: Oh, three? Wow.

Gannon: By the way, I find a threesome with a married couple works best is when the wife and I go about the night as if it’s just us. You know, it’s on the husband to figure out when and how to join in.

Tracy: Oh! That’s smart. So it’s not chaos. Feeling better now?

Tate: No. I’m not. What does that mean? Exactly?

Gannon: It means that if your wife and I have a good rhythm going, don’t crowbar yourself in, you know? Remember it’s a three way, not me way.

Tracy: Wow. Yeah. That is such a good way to put it. Did you make that up?

Gannon: I did. Yeah. Now heads up, Taint. The more heated I get, the harder it will be for you to get in there. This dog gets greedy with his treats.

Tate: Okay, you called me Taint again. It’s Tate. And just so I’m clear, the game plan for tonight is you’re going to make love to my wife and fight me off the whole time?

Gannon: What? No. Okay. Let me show you what I’m talking about. Okay. Alright. Okay, let’s say me and your gorgeous wife are on the bed here doing our thing. [Gannon gets on the bed and starts doing his thing with the pillow] This pillow is your wife, okay?

Tate: I understand. I understand. Geez.

Gannon: Alright. Now, try to join.

Tate: Try to join in?

Gannon: Yeah.

Tate: Alright.

[Tate gets into the bed]

Gannon: [hitting Tate with the pillow] Get out of here.

Tate: Dude! What? You’re gonna hit me with my own wife?

Gannon: If I have to, yeah. Okay, look bud. You want to save the Shire? You got to get through Mordor first.

Tracy: Yes, that’s what I’d like to see tonight. My man fighting for me. God, I am so happy right.

Gannon: Now, I mentioned in my email. I’m a sweater.

Tate: Oh, yes. We have everything you asked for. 11 Full Size bath towels, 25 lemon lime power aids and a tarp to put on over the bed.

Gannon: The tarp is optional, but again, you will not believe how much I sweat. Okay, speaking of, Taint, during some of your downtime, I might call for a towel. Okay? Go ahead and grab a freshie and get my back a pat down. Then get the hell out of there.

Tate: Excellent. So I’m a towel boy now.

Gannon: Towen man. Don’t sell yourself short. Okay, last thing. Taint, just throw this mask on.

Tate: What is this?

Gannon: Well, I don’t like seeing the dude’s face when I’m doing my thing. [Tate puts on the mask] Now, it’s like you’re not even here.

Tracy: I love that. So, should we start?

Gannon: Hell yeah. Okay, I’m just gonna pop in at the bathroom. Work through a minor Cialis heart attack real quick.

Tate: Okay, so maybe my wife and I will get started while you’re gone.

Gannon: Don’t you dare!

MacGruber Coronavirus

Piper… Ryan Phillippe

Vicki… Kristen Wiig

MacGruber… Will Forte

[Starts with the show intro] [rock music]

Song: MacGruber, making life saving inventions out of household materials
MacGruber, getting in and out of ultra sticky situations
MacGruber, The Guy’s a friggin genius
MACGRUBER!

[Cut to Federal Reserve Bank. Emergency siren is on.]

Piper: Dammit! The store is pressure sealed. We’re not going anywhere.

Vicki: MacGruber, if we don’t dismantle this C4 for explosive, [there’s a huge bomb] this whole building is gonna blow sky high. 60 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry gang. We can do this if we work together as a team. And look I know this whole COVID situation has really changed the game. So, we got to be smart about this, okay? We’re in a small room with very limited airflow.

Piper: Good call.

Vicki: Yeah, great thinking, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Okay, Vicki, pass me that old coffee can.

Vicki: You got it, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Pipe, that liner glue.

Piper: Coming at you, Grubs.

MacGruber: Now both of you, hand me your masks.

Vicki: What?

MacGruber: No time to explain. Masks, now!

[MacGruber puts Piper’s, Vicki’s and his masks in the can and burns them]

Vicki: MacGruber, what are you doing?

MacGruber: Freeing us from tyranny, Vic. You’re welcome.

Vicki: What? I really want to wear that mask.

Piper: Yeah. You just said yourself that we’re in a small enclosed room.

MacGruber: Yeah, so we need every drop of oxygen we can get which is impossible with these stupid face diapers. I can finally breathe.

[takes a long breath. Piper and Vicki cover their faces with their hands.]

Vicki: Hey, gotta say I’m a little uncomfortable with this.

MacGruber: Don’t worry, Vic. I’m vaxed and relaxed. Here’s proof.

[MacGruber passes Vicki a piece of paper. It’s handwritten by himself and Pfizer is spelled wrong as “Fizer”.]

Vicki: I think there’s a P missing at the beginning of Pfizer.

Piper: You got vaccinated at a sizzler?

MacGruber: I sure did Piper. And Vicki if there was a P in front of Pfizer, it’d be pronounced Pa-fizer. But nice try.

Piper: Just admit you’re not vaccinate.

MacGruber:  Okay, fine you freakin Karens. I’m not getting that stupid shot, alright? ‘Cause I don’t want the government putting a tracking device on my scrotum.

Vicki: Ew!

Piper: MacGruber, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about?

MacGruber: Yeah, I don’t need to know what I’m talking about, Piper, because I have a brain. but since sheeple are so freaked out, let me assure you I’m totally anti-semitic.

Vicki: Sorry, I’m not sure we heard you right.

MacGruber: I don’t have any symptoms.

Piper: I think the word you’re looking for is asymptomatic.

MacGruber: Yeah, that’s what I said.

Vicki: No, it’s not.

MacGruber: No. I definitely said I’m anti semitic.

Piper: Yeah, you did.

MacGruber: So, what’s the issue here?

Vicki: MacGruber, 10 seconds.

MacGruber: Look, we may not all agree on this hoax vaccine, but one thing we can all agree on is that I do know how to defuse bombs.

Vicki: One second, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Okay, Piper, hand me–

[the bomb explodes]

Song: MacGruber!
MacGruber, he did a lot of reading and he’s got a new album
MacGruber, he realized there was more than just one side of this issue
MacGruber, he’s following the science now

MACGRUBER!

[Cut to Chemical Weapons Factory. Emergency siren is on. It’s similar situation like before.]

Piper: Shoot! This vault door is welded shut. There’s no way out.

Vicki: And from the looks of that dynamite bomb, we’ve only got 60 seconds before this whole place is blown to Betsy.

MacGruber: Not a problem gang. [he’s wearing a mask, but he has cut opened the mouth and nose part.] We got this and don’t worry, after the last mission, I heard your concerns and now I’m following all the protocols.

Vicki: Well, MacGruber, there’s a big hole on your mask.

MacGruber: Yeah, so don’t suffocate from all the carbo dockside. Duh! Look, there’s no reason to be scared. I’m gonna be fine. I’ve done a ton of research and I’m following the science now.

Vicki: That’s good.

MacGruber: Okay, Vicki, pass me that ivermectin.

[Vicki passes him the ivermectin]

Vicki: Okay, here.

MacGruber: Piper that hydroxychloroquine.

[Piper passes him the hydroxychloroquine]

Piper: Here.

[MacGruber takes all the medicine and pills at once]

Vicki: MacGruber, you have COVID?

MacGruber: Hell no.

Vicki: Oh, thank God.

MacGruber: I have COVID Plus. It’s a COVID strain mixed with something else.

Piper: Syphilis?

MacGruber: Oh, you got it. So yeah, COVID, syphilis and I do have an unconnected freestanding herpes in there as well. I also have horse worms. So this ivermectin is pulling double duty.

Piper: You have horse worms?

MacGruber: Oh yeah, bunch of. Check this out. [He pulls out a pile of noodles like thing]

Vicki: Oh, that’s so disgusting.

MacGruber: Relax. It’s just spaghetti. And down here, my jockeys just waiting for the right moment to spring this little joke on ya! Punked! [he eats the spaghetti] A little an dente.

Vicki: So, you don’t have horse worms?

MacGruber: No, I do have horse worms. Oh, look, they’re chopping on the spaghetti. Ha-ha-ha. Leave that alone, you turkeys. That’s my food. I’m not gonna eat this now.

Vicki: MacGruber, the bomb!

MacGruber: Okay, Piper, hand me that toilet paper with Dr. Anthony Fauci face on it.

Piper: Here.

MacGruber: Vicky, hand me that “Let’s go Brandon” t-shirt.

Vicki: Here you go, MacGruber.

MacGruber: It’s so funny, huh? That actually means something else.

Piper: Yeah, we know.

MacGruber: Do you know what it means?

Piper: MacGruber, I feel like you’ve gone down some kind of outright misinformation rabbit hole.

MacGruber: You’re all wrong about that, Karen/ My information is Piper00% non insane. Ever heard of QAnon?

[the bomb explodes]

Song: MacGruber!

MacGruber, he kind of spiraled down on an internet rabbit hole
MacGruber, he lost some friends and family and they staged an intervention
MacGruber, he’s got his act together now

MACGRUBER!

[Cut to Research Facility. Emergency siren is on. It’s similar situation like before.]

Piper: Looks like we’re trapped, MacGruber.

Vicki: And the hydrogen bomb is set to blow in MacGruber0 seconds.

[MacGruber is wearing fur head cover with horns and he has painted his face red, white and blue, like the people from Capitol riot]

MacGruber: So, where was I? Oh, yeah. So, these Hollywood celebrities are eating babies. They devour them. They’re insatiable. Like, the way horse worms eat spaghetti. Raw babies, cooked babies, I’m sure they have a variety of recipes. That’s what’s happening out there and nobody is doing anything about it.

Piper: Can we concentrate on the bomb?

MacGruber: Oh, that’s not a big enough bomb for you to find out that Ellen Pompeo eats babies?

Vicki: I knew it.

Piper: Oh god, you’re so brainwashed.

MacGruber: I’m sorry. In what way?

Piper: Just look at how your dressed!

MacGruber: Oh, forgive me for not shopping at Cheaps-R-Us like you. I’m just your average American who believes in limited government. My body my choice, for men, and suppress voting rights for alternatively skin people. Now, I’m not sure how that makes me brainwashed.

Piper: MacGruber, focus. Please.

MacGruber: You’re right. Okay, Vicki, hand me all the remains of America’s soul. [pointing at an empty chair]

Vicki: What? There’s nothing there.

MacGruber: Welcome to the real world. I’m just a shaman.

Vicki: 15 seconds. All I can do is pray for you, take up arms against you and keep the oath I took to protect this country. Because I am an oath keeper. And boy, am I proud of that. Which I guess makes me a proud boy.

Piper: Do you even understand what you’re saying right now?

MacGruber: Probably not.

Piper: MacGruber, if we don’t deal with this bomb. We are going to explode.

MacGruber: Hoax!

Vicki: Five seconds.

MacGruber: Yeah, according to CNN.

Vicki: Four seconds.

MacGruber: Cancel culture.

Vicki: Three seconds.

MacGruber: Not my clock.

Vicki: Two seconds.

MacGruber: Hollywood elite.

Vicki: One second.

MacGruber: Though I do kind of like some streamers on Peacock.

[The bomb explodes]

Song: MacGruber!

 

Kid Klash

Mark Zazz… Will Forte

Tatum… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Blomps, splats, flizzes and crunchers. You’re watching the coolest gameshow for kids. It’s Kid Klash.

[Cut to Mark Zazz in the show set]

Mark Zazz: Hello. I am Mark Zazz and this is Kid Klash. The game show where kids compete in physical challenges. Now, if you saw last week’s episode, Susie is okay. She’s back home and she’s okay. And we have a brand new Kid Klash contestant ready to go, meet Tatum.

[Tatum walks in. She’s wearing a yellow helmet.]

Tatum: Hey, everyone. I’m the shortest and the slowest one on my basketball team, but here, I’m gonna win. I’m Tatum.

Mark Zazz: Great ‘tude, Tatum. And today’s prize is pizza for life. That’s right. You get to keep this one pizza for your entire life.

Tatum: Oh, I really want that.

Mark Zazz: Alright, let’s take a look at the course. First you’re taking a dive into the whipped cream pie to find the plan.

Tatum: Wow.

Mark Zazz: Then move on to the slippery monkey bars but watch out for hot nacho cheese below.

Tatum: Oh, I hope it’s not too hot.

Mark Zazz: Oh, it is. It is really hot.

Tatum: Okay.

Mark Zazz: Finally, you and your family climb into this giant glass to become a human shrimp cocktail.

Kyle: You can do this!

Heidi: We’re ready to be shrimp with you.

Mark Zazz: Alright, remember, you can’t move on till you find that flag. Ready, set, go.

[Tatum runs runs into the whipped cream to find the flag.]

Tatum, there we go. Tatum is deep in the cream and you’re looking for that flag. Here’s a Kid Klash fact about her. Tatum’s favorite things are spaghetti and beach balls. Alright. Tatum, have you found that flag yet?

Tatum: No. So far, I’m just feeling the cream.

Mark Zazz: Alright, keep looking. And here’s a hint: it’s in there. So, do you not know what a flag is?

Tatum: No, I do.

Mark Zazz: Alright. then try to find it.

Tatum: I am.

Mark Zazz: Alright. Another Kid Klash fact, Tatum was disqualified for the chili cook off at her school for lying. Yeah. Alright, how are you doing, Tatum?

Tatum: The cream is really thick. I’m working pretty hard here.

Mark Zazz: It doesn’t show.

Tatum: Oh my god. Oh my god. I think I found something. It’s some kind of gold medallion.

Mark Zazz: Amazing. But one question for you Tatum. Is a medallion the same as a frickin flag?

Tatum: No. But doesn’t it seem like maybe it’s worth more than a flag?

Mark Zazz: Well, you’re wrong, Tatum. It’s probably leftover from last week’s show.

Tatum: Wait, you don’t change up the cream?

Mark Zazz: I don’t know, Tatum. But your time is up in three, two, one.

Bowen: For Christ sake!

Heidi: That’s okay, honey.

Kyle: Dammit, Tatum!

Tatum: I’m sorry everyone. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t find the flag.

[Tatum is getting out of the whipped cream pie]

Mark Zazz: Where do you think you’re going?

Tatum: Well, I guess to get cleaned up and go back to Indiana.

Mark Zazz: You’re not going anywhere. Not until you find that flag.

Tatum: But the time ended.

Mark Zazz: I didn’t start this game show to encourage children to quit like whiny little babies. Now, I was very clear you get out of the pie when you find the flat.

Tatum: What? Mom!

Heidi: We agree with him, Tatum. She never sees anything through Mr. Zazz.

Tatum: Okay. I’ll keep trying.

[Tatum starts looking for flag inside the whipped cream pie again]

Mark Zazz: Now, Tatum, as I’m sure you know, you and your shrimp family are now ineligible for the pizza for life life.

Tatum: This music is making me feel really bad.

Mark Zazz: Oh wait. And I’m just now remembering the pie was supposed to spin. Can we get that going?

Tatum: What? Please. Does this part have to go on TV?

Mark Zazz: Tatum, you know that it does. How do you think it’s gonna be in the real world?

Tatum: I guess like this.

Mark Zazz: Yeah, that’s right. The whipped cream is adversity and the flag is your unfulfilled potential.

Tatum: Okay. Well, I think I just got my period.

Mark Zazz: Yeah, you’re not the first to do that in there.

Tatum: Wait. Oh my god. Is this it? [showing a tiny little flag]

Mark Zazz: Oh, she found the flag.

Tatum: Why is it so small? And it’s white like the cream. This is really bad game.

Mark Zazz: No, it’s good. And when we return, we’re gonna put the adopted brother on the monkey bar.

[Kyle and Heidi looks at Bowen]

Bowen: I’m adopted?

Mark Zazz: Yes you are. We’ll be right back for more Kid Klash.

Jackie Clancy

Jeyner Keeblerely… Kenan Thompson

Clancy T. Bacharach… Will Forte

Jackie Snad… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Jeyner Keeblerely in a barn]

Jeyner Keeblerely: Hi. I’m legendary country music hit maker Jeyner Keeblerely. And I’m here to give you the best news since last bread was recognized for insignificance. Two of the greatest songsmith in the history of time are back and at it again. That’s right. I’m talking about Clancy T. Bacharach who proved there is a Yahweh with songs like this.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach in the barn] [music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach: [singing] Took my toddler at the school
and threw him in the pool
and that’s how we learn to swim
and then a spaceship flew down
and loaned us a towel
and we dried off our soaking bodies

As a show off our gratitude
I gave the aliens a beer jar and food
and a Model T card they belong to my step brother’s life coach

Jeyner Keeblerely: And the woman who put the oo-oo in boot scoot, Jackie Snad.

[Cut to Jackie Snad in the barn] [music playing]

Jackie Snad: [singing] Took my model-T car to the nearest salad bar
’cause I craved some kale and their kale was on sale
but the salad bar was closed because the space ship exploded
so I drank a jar of beer with a toddler

Jeyner Keeblerely: For years now, these two funky junkie joker monkeys thrilled global audiences with songs about the four things they know best. Spaceships, toddlers, model-T cars and jars of beer. And after a 12 years sabbatical, these two national treasures have decided to once again join forces. I’m sorry. Foin Jorces. No, I was right the first time. They decided to join forces and release a brand spanking new album Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad sing songs about spaceships, toddlers, Model-T cars and jars a beer again, with air caviar like this.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn] [music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: [singing] Oh, toddler did you hear
when I whispered in your ear
about the spaceship that was parked in your yard

Next to a Model-T car and some beer in a jar
but without any gas they couldn’t get too far
so they hitchhiked down the road with a turkey and a toad
and a face full of hope and regret
but then a truck passed by and he ran over those guys
and now the turkey is dead and the toad’s on life support

Jeyner Keeblerely: Oh man. It gives you the shivers, doesn’t it? And an important message sung importantly. You want less? Sorry. Because while there’s more than one way to skin a cat, there’s only one way to put that skin back on. With beautiful music like this little slow jelly.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn] [music playing]

Jackie Snad: [singing] The eyes of God are crying [wailing]
’cause the toddlers have been lying [wailing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: Oh yes, those little sons of guns have stolen from nuns
who trusted them to guard their model-T cars
and now they’ll meet the wrath of God and burn and toddler hell
unless they call their friends, the aliens to send a ship down
But God will find them there, he’s everywhere, he’s well connected
and then he’ll zapp them with a lightning bolt
and burn them to a crisp and drink a jar of beer
to celebrate the deaths, it’s a cautionary tale
for little naughty toddlers who disrespect nuns,
for they will find themselves
in… toddler hell

[music changes]

toddler hell
toddler hell
toddler hell

Jeyner Keeblerely: Man, oh, man. That song gave me all the feels. Minus a few feels. Plus more feels than a few feels that were subtracted. And if that wasn’t enough eargasm already, check out this reworking of one of their timeless classics which was recently submitted by NASA and Chef Bobby Flay to be the new official song of the National Football League.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn] [music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: [singing] Oh football for your feet and balls combine to make your name
and your field is soaked in urine from incontinent spaceship whoo-hoo
and one day, a toddler will distract you as you hike your little leather ball
and a model-T car will catch a hail Mary from a beer jar
and win the Super Bowl
Oh, football sport, 
Oh, football sport
Oh, football sport
Oh, football sport
Here is your official new football song

[wailing]

Jeyner Keeblerely: That’s right. So, to order, send cash wrapped in napkins to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad album offer, care of

Jeyner Keeblerely
36 Donkey Donut Court
Pickletits, Delaware, 938273