Wing Pit

[Starts with a group of people watching a game]

Male voice: The big game is right around the corner and Wing Pit has your party covered.

[door bell ringing]

Pedro: Wings are here.

All: Yes!

Male voice: We’ve got game day specials that will keep the whole party happy like our touchdown tray.

Heidi: Two dozen wings and two sauces delivered piping that to your door in time for kickoff, for only $24.99.

Pedro: That’s something we can both agree on.

Male voice: For calling audible and try Wing Pit Super Bowl supreme platform.

Heidi: Four dozen juicy buffalo wings for only $39.99.

Kenan: Now we’re talking.

Male voice: And if your party’s really raging, go for two with Wing Pit’s Tailgate Feast.

Heidi: 20 dozen wings, five ethnically troubling sauces like Asian zing and Jamaican me spicy, a gallon of ranch for just $89.99.

Pedro: Awesome. Thank you. We’re probably good on wings though.

Male voice: But you could be great on us with we pitch new tray of tears.

Heidi: 600 of our succulent wings, plus 15 butt destroying sauce, and a kiddie pool of ranch for $205.99.

Kenan: There’s only like 15 people here. We don’t need all that.

Male voice: But you want it, just like you want Wing Pit’s hard slurry chicken smoothie. It’s 40 liquified wings mixed with 80 proof grain alcohol. You must be over 12 to order.

Kenan: Over 12?

Male voice: And if you’re thirsty for more, try Wing Pit’s new chicken carnage platter.

Heidi: 3000 tangy wings packed in black contractor bag thrown straight through your window in time for kickoff.

Kenan: Hey, if you don’t stop, I’m calling the police.

Male voice: Well, good luck because we own the police. Wing Pit donates millions to police charities so we can operate with total immunity.

Heidi: And that let us serve you the chip noble.

Male voice: 5000 wings, 10,000 beaks, a full pallet of hot sauce Airdropped ranch. And two of the sickest saddest celery sticks you’ll ever see.

Heidi: All pumped in your party via cement chute.

Pedro: Why are you doing this?

Male voice: To honor Chirax the chicken god of death. To save the souls of the chickens you have slayed.

Pedro: No. Please make it stop.

Male voice: Your friend your sheer.

Male voice: Wing pit, let the slaughter begin.

Weekend Update- U.S. Shoots Down Chinese Spy Balloon, FBI Searches Biden’s Beach House

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a balloon.]

Earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotted crossing the United States officially ending history’s most complicated gender reveal party. And bad news for China, it’s a girl.

[picture changes to China’s map]

Chinese officials condemn the US decision to destroy the surveillance balloon saying it was a civilian aircraft. Okay, but even civilian aircraft can be extremely dangerous. [picture changes to Spirit airlines] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a book.]

Michael Che: The revised AP African American history class removed the names of several black authors that Florida officials called problematic. Instead, they’ve been replaced with authors they call “One of the good ones.”

[picture changes to George Santos]

Representative George Santos said that he is stepping aside from his committee assignments to prevent being a distraction. He added, “The last thing I want is attention,” then he sashayed away in a feather boa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Colin Jost: It was also reported that George Santos lied to potential campaign donors that he was a producer of the Broadway musical “Spider Man Turn Off the Dark.” Though he did end up working with the Green Goblin. [picture changes to George Santos wearing green dress] Thank you.

[picture changes to Kevin McCarthy]

Speaker The House Kevin McCarthy seen here wanting to know if you or someone you love has been injured in a car accident, met in person with President Biden about the debt ceiling and said they had a good conversation. It went so well, Biden let him pick a couple of classified documents out of the bowl.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: The FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware beach house but found no classified documents. Also, the next time somebody tells you that Biden got billions from China, remember that his beach house is in Delaware.

[picture changes to Donald Trump]

It was announced that Donald Trump’s golf courses will host three live golf tournaments this year furthering Trump’s ties to Saudi Arabia. That relationship makes sense. I mean, Saudi Arabia needs venues for their golf tournaments and Trump needs oil for that big old dump truck. [picture changes to Donald Trump playing tennis] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of capitol building.]

Colin Jost: Senate voted to designate January ‘National stalking Awareness Month,’ which is a good reminder that we’re only a few weeks away from stalker’s Christmas. [picture changes to a Valentine’s Day card] To close to home.

[picture changes to a handgun]

Florida has proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. Also everyone gets to do one murder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: Newly released video of a deposition to New York’s Attorney General’s Office shows former President Trump taking the 5th hundreds of times. Also taking a 5th, his lawyer. [picture changes to Giuliani holding a bottle of liquor] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’ a picture of LVII Super Bowl logo.]

Colin Jost: For the first time ever, two brothers will be facing off against each other in the Super Bowl. Incidentally, two brothers in the Super Bowl is why my grandfather won’t be watching.

Michael Che: On February, man. Wow.

Weekend Update- Punxsutawney Phil on Seeing His Shadow

Michael Che

Punxsutawney Phil… Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This Thursday was Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow which means six more weeks of winter. Here to talk about it is Punxsutawney Phil.

Punxsutawney Phil: Hey, Che.

Michael Che: Hey, man. So six more weeks of winter. I mean, do you have any advice?

Punxsutawney Phil: I don’t know, man. Things are bleak out there. Write it out. I guess. [smokes]

Michael Che: You seem pretty down. I thought it was a big day for you.

Punxsutawney Phil: Dude. What’s the point of me? A weather predicting Groundhog in the year 2023? I’m useless. I’m like a condom in Nick Cannon’s wallet.

Michael Che: But you did see your shadow?

Punxsutawney Phil: Honestly, I’m seeing shadows everywhere. Climate change has made it all meaningless. Is winter still even a thing? Sure, it’s seven degrees now but I jogged in shorts on Tuesday.

Michael Che: You jog?

Punxsutawney Phil: For the resolution. And I wasn’t about to do dry January, you know what I mean? Alcohol. The only cool way to wet the bed. You know the core stopped?

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: The earth’s core stopped spinning. Look. [there’s an article that says “Earth’s inner core may have stopped turning”] See? Just straight up stopped. They want me to go to work? I’m a groundhog. I live close to the core, Che. Well not that close but close enough that when it stopped spinning I was like “Whoa. You guys feel that?” Cool if I do a bump real quick?

Michael Che: No.

Punxsutawney Phil: Happy afterparty, very nice. You know the moon is the sun now?

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: Look. [there’s a picture of a sun that looks like a moon] Because of wildfires, this is what the sun looks like in California for like weeks at a time. It’s like you’re on a Star Wars planet. Not even a good one. Like, one of those dusty poor ones. Hey, you know for me, this is space.

Michael Che: I don’t know what that means.

Punxsutawney Phil: Well, groundhogs live underground. So to me this is space. Houston requesting oxygen break. [smokes] You know NPR thing?

Michael Che: What NPR thing?

Punxsutawney Phil: Time is an illusion. Yes, science guys are saying this. It’s not just an excuse I used whenever my old lady says I missed our anniversary. We step out, guys like us, don’t we?

Michael Che: What do you mean guys like us?

Punxsutawney Phil: Oh, come on. I’m Punxsutawney Phil. She knows what she signed up for.

Michael Che: Oh, you’re like a bad groundhog.

Punxsutawney Phil: I’m not a bad groundhog. I just like good beaver.

Michael Che: Oh man.

Punxsutawney Phil: But seriously, I’m trying to keep my mind right by getting back to the basics, touching the grass, eating the grass, smoking the grass. You know, top people touch me, that’s probably why I drink wax.

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: You heard me. Look, at the end of the day. I just want to live a long peaceful life and then die of natural causes.

Michael Che: That’s actually very sweet.

Punxsutawney Phil: Well, for Groundhog natural causes means getting obliterated by an 18 wheeler on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Michael Che: Oh my god.

Punxsutawney Phil: They say you can’t even feel it. I’ll let you know.

Michael Che: Punxsutawney Phil, everybody.

Punxsutawney Phil: Live in a simulation.

Weekend Update- Milly Pounds and Shirty on the British Monarchy

Michael Che

Milly Pounds… James Austin Johnson

Shirty… Devon Walker

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The United Kingdom will be crowning its new king and queen soon launching a new era of the British Monarchy. Here to comment our British rappers Milly Pounds and Shirty.

[Milly Pounds and Shirty slide in] [cheers and applause]

Milly Pounds: Thanks Che.

Michael Che: So guys, what’s going on with the royal family? I mean can you give us an update?

Milly Pounds: Right, right, okay, listen mate. Okay. All the focus is on the Royals, right? When it should be on England’s exploitative tabloid press, right? It’s Pants, mate.

Shirty: Pants.

Milly Pounds: Rubbish mate.

Shirty: Pants mate.

Michael Che: Sorry?

Shirty: It’s pants, okay? It’s pants.

Michael Che: What are the pants?

Milly Pounds: It’s pants. The main door boy area, right? We know what really goes down? We’ve known Harry since our days at Eton.

Michael Che: You guys went to Eton?

Shirty: Yeah. Eton your mom’s bum.

Milly Pounds: No, but seriously, look, look. If you want us to sum up our thoughts, take up the pods and hear me all right. Because we have a way of talking back in the ends.

[music playing]

Ay.

Shirty: Shirty.

Milly Pounds: Milly Pounds

Shirty: Yeah.

Milly Pounds: [rapping] Prince Harry, Prince Harry
stayed over at Tyler Perry’s
press cold like Brandon Jerris
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: Harry and Megan
Ronald Reagan
Inter-racial dating
Queen said not today
the king is coming like
I slide down the road like
your girl saw me like
mans like me got a million shooters
coz I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, Stop. Who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Che, why did you stop it, mate? We shed so many facts.

Shirty: Facts.

Michael Che: You really didn’t.

Milly Pounds: Okay listen, it’s not all chicken shops and tika masala.

Shirty: Glasgow.

Milly Pounds: But I think this next verse will really shine a light on what’s happening where we come from. Right?

[music playing] [rapping] Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister, you know that
he got styles like Harry, I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: kicking hard

your boyfriend’s poor
I make more
I chat online with your girl on computers
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Okay, wait, wait. What is phew, phew. What is that? I grew up in New York in the 90s. Okay, so I consider myself a pretty fricative fresh guy when it comes to hip hop. But I’ve never heard that before.

Milly Pounds: Okay, you see, back home, we don’t really have guns, do we? But we do have little tiny knives that we carry with us at all times. And those kinds of sound likes phew, phew.

Michael Che: Okay. Okay, but who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Oh, he’s like a semi obscure Dutch footballer from the 80s.

Michael Che: I get it. You guys like soccer? So can you at least tell us what the Brits feel about FIFA?

Milly Pounds: How do the Brits feel about FIFA? Check it.

[music playing] [rapping] FIFA corrupt,
your girl told me “What’s up?”
I told her I’m tryna see that butt
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: FIFA soccer
tea, no coffee
Milly and me on a Vespa scooter
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Millly Pounds and Shirty, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Genetics Company Reviving the Dodo Bird, Bear Poses for Selfies

 

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a dodo.]

Colin Jost: A genetic engineering company has announced plans to bring back the long extinct dodo bird, but only for a limited time at Arby’s.

Male voice: Arby’s, we have the dodo’s.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of AMC logo.]

Michael Che: AMC Theaters is celebrating Black History Month by offering $5 tickets to recently released black led movies like “Wakanda Forever” and “The Woman King.” They’re also honoring black people by starting the movie 20 minutes late. Did you get that Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear.]

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Police officials in Colorado say that a bear discovered a wildlife camera in the woods and posed for more than 400 selfies. 400 selfies of a bear is also known as a Grindr profile.

[picture changes to a smartphone]

The US Surgeon General is warning that children are joining social media at too young and age, and they should wait until they’re at least Colin Jost6, when they’re hotter.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a house.]

Michael Che: A new study finds that despite women making less money than men, more single women in the US own homes than single men. Thanks to a phenomenon economist called divorce.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of chicken wings.]

Colin Jost: Whoo, divorce. A school official in Illinois has been arrested on charges of stealing over $1 million worth of chicken wings. Said the official, “I swear, I was gonna give all the money back.”

Michael Che: No, don’t.

Waking Up

Doctor… Bowen Yang

Charlie… Pedro Pascal

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Sarah Sherman

Heidi: Doctor, I can’t believe this. How long has my husband been awake?

Bowen: Since this morning. And hey, call me Dr. Jim. He’s still very weak after the coma, but his mouth is moving and it seems like he wants to speak.

Kenan: Oh my god, I thought I lost my best friend. This is a miracle.

Sarah: I know. Look, he’s waking up.

Heidi: Charlie. Hey, it’s me. Welcome back.

Charlie: Oh my god. Where am I? Why am I in a bed? I don’t got anything that’s going on right now.

Heidi: Doctor?

Doctor: It’s very common. He’s gonna be a little confused at first.

Charlie: Why is everybody-? Who is everybody? Why am I wearing paper?

Kenan: Did you say paper? Now that your hospital robe, buddy?

Heidi: Yeah, honey, you were in a little accident.

Charlie: Why are you calling me honey? Who are you?

Heidi: I’m your wife.

Charlie: Okay, not today.

Heidi: Did he say “Not today?” Honey, we’ve been married for eight years.

Charlie: Let’s just put a pin in that.

Heidi: Doctor?

Doctor: He may not recognize you right now. But the important thing is, is that he’s up and talking.

Kenan: Yeah, but he’s talking with this like LA Mosh mouth thing. I mean, I’ve literally never heard that before.

Charlie: You think I sound LA? Thank you. I love LA.

Heidi: He has a totally different personality.

Doctor: This is completely normal and temporary. There’s even been instances of people coming out of comas and speaking foreign languages they could never before.

Charlie: Can I speak Spanish? Let me try. Saba, saba, sama, sama. Sounds like Spanish to me.

Kenan: No. It’s not Spanish. Is his brain okay?

Doctor: Let’s find out. Charlie, listen very carefully. You measure my life in two hours. And I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. What am I?

Charlie: Duh, you’re a condo.

Doctor: He’s fine.

Heidi: That’s how you test for brain damage? [pulls out her phone] Okay honey, look at this video. This is what you normally sound like.

Charlie [in video]: Hey babe, made it to Arkansas. Pretty cool place. Miss you.

Charlie: Okay, he’s the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. Why does he live in Arkansas?

Sarah: No, Charlie, that’s you. You are on a business trip in Arkansas. That’s where you got hit by that Party City Truck.

Charlie: That’s not me. And who are you? Another wife?

Sarah: No, I’m not your wife. I’m your sister.

Charlie: Let’s put a pin in that.

Heidi: Why does he keep wanting to put a pin in things? Are you sure his brand is okay?

Doctor: Absolutely. Watch this. Charlie, Identify these objects. Okay?

Charlie: [ball card] Baa. [bird card] Bi. [boat card] Bo. [card with Bill Burr’s face] Bill Burr.

Doctor: He’s fine. Great job Charlie.

Charlie: Aw, thank you.

Heidi: Please, I want my old Charlie back. Look at him.

Charlie: No. I’m way skinnier than him.

Kenan: That’s because you lost 50 pounds in the coma.

Charlie: Oh, good for me.

Heidi: Doctor, I just don’t know if I can handle that.

Charlie: Oh my god. Don’t cry. You’re gonna make me cry. Come on, hold my hand. Look, I don’t know who you are. And despite what I said, I can’t speak Spanish. But the important thing is you’re my soulmate. And you and I, [in normal voice] you and I are going to be fine.

Doctor: See how he’s sounding clearer already?

Charlie: Because no matter what, people always gonna do that talk. And that’s the truth.

Doctor: Okay, he’s back sliding a little.

Heidi: What do I do?

Doctor: Meet him where he’s at.

Heidi: [speaking like him] Charlie, I’m your wife and I’ll never get tired.

Doctor: Really?

Sarah: [speaking like him] Yes, and that goes same for me.

Kenan: [speaking like him] Now, I’m going to cry. And I like, never cry.

Charlie: Aww, you guys

The Big Hollywood Quiz

Jack Del Mar… Bowen Yang

Robert… Pedro Pascal

Jacqueline… Ego Nwodim

Mary… Chloe Fineman

Announcer: It’s time for the big Hollywood quiz. Here’s your host Jack Del Mar.

Jack: [singing] Light shines so brightly on Chaplin and garble
tonight we delight in James Dean and Jean Harlow
where legends of the past meet the stars of tomorrow
on the Big Hollywood Quiz

Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to the show that’s all about entertainments. Let’s meet our contestants. First Roberts is the professor of Film Studies at Tisch School of the arts.

Robert: Hi, Jack.

Jack: Next, Jacqueline is an entertainment writer for USA Today.

Jacqueline: Great to be here.

Jack: Finally, Mary hosts her own show on the history of Hollywood. What kind of show was it Mary?

Mary: It’s a podcast.

Jack: Oh, okay. Well, our categories are the movies, the shows, the stars, and Hooray. Robert, you’re first.

Robert: Thanks, Jack. We got to start with movies.

Jack: We got to this question is from the 1950s. In “All About Eve”, she famously said, “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Robert, you buzzed in first.

Robert: One and only, Betty Davis.

Jack: Yes, that’s $500. You’re on the board. Moving over to the shows. This one is from the 80s. In 1983, this TV show set during the Korean War had a finale watched by over 100 million viewers. Jacqueline.

Jacqueline: Mash, and it was watched by 106 million.

Jack: That’s it. $500 for you. Great job. Now let’s go over to the 2020s. This breakout hit is the current number one show on Netflix. It’s Ginny & …? [all three contestants are quiet] No one? It’s the most watched show on the most watched streaming service in the world. No? Gini & …?

Robert: Juice?

Jack: No. It was Gini & Georgia. Gini & Georgia season two.

Jacqueline: Is that from Europe?

Jack: No. It’s totally American. Okay, Robert, pick a catJacquelinery.

Robert: Let’s go to Hurray.

Jack: Great. These are all about awards sticking with the 2020s. This film written and directed by Sarah Polley has been nominated for Best Picture this year. [all three contestants are quiet] No one? I’ll give you a hint. It has an all female cast featuring Oscar winner Francis McDormand.

Robert: 80 for Brady.

Jack: No. Anyone else?

Jacqueline: Can you give us a hint?

Jack: It’s women talking.

Robert: Be more specific.

Jack: No, that’s the title. “Women Talking”. It’s a wonderful film. Do you all watch much TV or movies?

Jacqueline: I do, at least 12 hours a day.

Jack: Yikes. Here’s the next question. Just last week, Andrea Riseborough was nominated for an Oscar for her role in which movie? [all three contestants are quiet] Anyone? Andrea Riseborough. They say it was the best performance of her career.

Jacqueline: Career?

Jack: It was “To Lesley.” That’s right, “To Lesley”. It’s great. You should really see it because so far it’s made $27,300.

Mary: Okay, that’s not a lot for opening weekend.

Jack: It’s been out for four months.

Robert: Can I make a request, Jack? Can we do a question with some big movie stars, people we would all know.

Jack: Sure. Like who?

Robert: I don’t know. Nicole Kidman?

Jack: Absolutely. Here’s one. This past year Nicole Kidman starred in this “darkly feminist drama” on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday?

Jack: No. Anyone? Nobody? It was Roar. That’s right. Roar.

Jacqueline: No.

Jack: Yes. Okay, let’s do Samuel L. Jackson. Everyone knows him, right? This past year Samuel L Jackson starred in this critically acclaimed drama on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday.

Jack: No. Sorry, it was “The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey”.

Mary: Oh, come on. You got to be kidding me.

Jack: I’m totally serious.

Robert: Jack, please. I’m sure the shows are great. But where did all the big popular movies go?

Jack: Oh, they’re still here. They’re just in your phone and you can watch them on the toilet. Ha-ha-ha. Okay. No one is in the lead. Let’s just move on to the speed round. Robert, you’re still in control. Our era is the 80s.

Robert: Great.

Jack: Here’s the question. But year 1989 featured movies like “The Little Mermaid,” “When Harry Met Sally,” “Batman,” “Dead Poets Society,” and “Do the right thing.” Robert, named three movies from the past five years.

Robert: Oh, wow. Three Okay. Wow, Top Gun.

Jack: Okay, that’s one.

Robert: Great. Oh gosh. The Hangover?

Jack: That was 20 years ago.

Robert: The night man.

Jack: Sounds like you’re just saying words. Come on. All you need is one. Can’t you just name one more movie?

Robert: No.

Jack: That’s right. “No.” You’ve won the speed round.

Robert: Yay. Why?

Jack: Now, just take the win, Robert. When we come back, these three will try to guess what Julia Roberts is doing on Stars. Bye.

Spy Balloon Cold Open

Katy Tur… Chloe Fineman

William Hamilton… Kenan Thompson

Balloon… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro] [Cut to Katy in her news set] [cheers and applause]

Katy: Good evening. It’s good to be with you. I’m Katy Tur, and tonight Our long national nightmare is over. We got the balloon. The discovery of the massive surveillance balloon earlier this week inflammed already volatile US-Chinese relations and had many on the right calling the Biden administration’s response soft, including this tweet from Donald Trump Jr. saying, “If my dad was president, there would be no balloons!!!!” And this one from Marjorie Taylor Greene saying, “Look, it’s the real moon.” For more details, I’m honored to be joined tonight by Pentagon official and aviation expert General William Hamilton.

William: Thank you for having me.

Katy: Congratulations general, on your successful mission.

William: Thank you. We popped the balloon.

Katy: General, we’ve never seen an object like this gain entry into our airspace before. How did that happen?

William: That’s an excellent question, Katy. The balloon was somehow able to get past our West Coast anti balloon defense system, the Seattle Space Needle. But once it was here, we were able to keep an eye on it with our sophisticated tracking technology of going like this. [looks above]

Katy: Understood.

William: I know there were questions about why we didn’t shoot it down immediately. But we wanted to wait till it was over the coast so that it wouldn’t fall on people or go shoos-shoo-shoo-shoo and land on my car.

Katy: It looked like it was a very exciting operation. Can you take us through it?

William: Well, I did bring a 3d rendering of the enemy target. [pulls out a small balloon toy out of his pocket] Now, imagine this is a lot bigger, but then pretty far away it looks a lot smaller too.

Katy: Now, that was gathering intel. Was it taking pictures?

William: We don’t know. But I do know if you tap it, it plays music [William taps the small balloon toy. It plays music.]

Katy: Okay, well General, thank you so much for your heroism and for protecting our nation.

William: Thank you, Mrs. Tur. And I want everyone to know that we will not tolerate any form of Chinese spy. But to be honest, they already have everything they need from TikTok. So scroll away, kids.

Katy: Thank you General, and this is exciting. I’m getting word we have located the remains of the balloon and I’m told we have a live feed. Let’s see how it looks.

[Cut to Bowen as a balloon, wearing balloon costume floating on a sea]

Balloon: Well, you got me. Congrats, you shot a balloon.

Katy: Wow, balloon. Well, I’m sorry. You’re in the water. But thank you for speaking to us.

Balloon: I entertain new people for four days. And then get shot by Biden? I can’t believe I’m Joe’s O’Sama.

Katy: Now I have to ask What were you doing flying over Montana?

Balloon: I love the show Yellowstone, so I was just there. It’s like succession but outside. Now I’m all wet. So what a day.

Katy: Well, I’m actually surprised you’re still floating. Experts were saying you’re the size of three buses.

Balloon: Okay, ouch. I’m a balloon. So that’s my body. How would you like it if someone measured your width in buses? I’m sorry. I’m not camera ready. And who’s this? [a pigeon flies near] No, no, no, no, no, don’t, get away. God. I hate the ocean. I’m really more of an air guy.

Katy: Look, I’m sorry. But people were worried they were being spied on.

Balloon: By me? A balloon. Everyone’s being surveilled constantly, but it’s always shoot the balloon and never unplug Alexa. If you care so much about your data, why do you all keep your bank passwords in the Notes app? Okay? You mail your literal DNA to a company to find out if you’re 10% French, but just we just a balloon.

Katy: Now the concern was that you were taking sensitive images of the US.

Balloon:I was so far away. It’s like when your aunt takes a concert video on her iPad. And you’re like, I guess that’s my Googoo Bleh. I couldn’t even tell what I was looking at from up there. Like frankly, I thought the state lines would be like drawn out. I thought I would see words over the places

Katy: Well, we just did what we had to do to protect the security of our country.

Balloon: Oh, why is everyone freaking out because I’m a Chinese balloon? Because where I come from, I’m just a balloon.

Katy: Well thanks for speaking with us today and we’re sorry for how everything had to go down.

Balloon: Oh Katy, don’t do that. You’ve made it very clear that I’m not welcome here. So good job. But let me tell you something. You’re gonna miss this Chinese spy balloon, I mean normal balloon. Dammit. Well, whatever. We already have your data. And live from New York it’s Saturday night!

Protective Mom

Louis… Marcello Hernandez

Britney… Chloe Fineman

Mother… Pedro Pascal

Louis: Babe, so before we go in, I just want you to know that my mom can be pretty protective of me. And I just don’t want you to get scared off.

Britney: Louis, don’t worry, we’re good.

Louis: Okay. Woo-hoo, Mama-minda, we’re home.

Mother: Mi Hijo lindo, I’m coming. [walks in and starts crying]

Louis: Mama.

Mother: the man of my life. ay, Dios mio. Luisito. Oh my college boy, I missed you so much. [starts hitting with newspaper] You don’t call enough. Bad boy. I’ll kill you. I put you in jail. Ah! I love you so much.

Louis: Aw, mama. Well, I love you too, mama. And I want to introduce you to my new girlfriend, Britney.

Britney: Hi. Yes, Miss Flores. I’m Brittany. I’ve heard so much about you.

Mother: You are cute. You dress like a boy. I like that.

Louis: Haha-mama. Let’s eat. How about that?

Britney: With love. And hey, my parents taught me never to come empty handed. So I did bring some vegan sliders.

Mother: Louis, [foreign language] vegan sliders?

Britney: Is she talking about me?

Louis: Oh, yes. But in a good way. Don’t worry. Mama. We’re hungry.

Britney: Yes. And this looks great. Um, where should I put these?

Mother: I’ll take it. Thank you. [Takes the bag and throws the vegan sliders into the trash] Sit, sit.

Louis: Everything looks so great, Mama. Thank you.

Mother: So Brittany, what are you studying?

Britney: I’m actually studying fine art with a concentration in 17th century baroque architecture.

Mother: So she doesn’t like money.

Louis: Mama, please. Brittany wants to be an art professor one day.

Mother: Oh, so she’s a lesbian?

Louis: Mama, please.

Mother: No, no, no, no. Mi nuera no puede estudiar fine art y usar tu dinero para dizque broke architecture.

Louis: Mama, por favor. No le importa el dinero a ella.

Mother: Te puedes imaginar? Van Gogh, Picasso, Britney with the vegan sliders.

Britney: Okay, so she’s talking about me.

Louis: No le hables asi a la pobre. Es una nice White girl. Se cuida mucho. Siempre se pone sunscreen. Y tiene mucho talento. Sabe jugar ultimate frisbee.

Britney: Oh my gos. Listen, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. I only want the best for your son. Like Louis, do you remember when you were having trouble concentrating for semester?

Louis: Oh, no, no, no.

Britney: And I set you up with my family doctor?

Mother: What?

Britney: Well, I helped Louis out. Now he’s on ADD medication and he’s doing a lot better.

Mother: My son don’t have ADD. He just like to jump.

Britney: Oh, well, ADD isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. Demi Lovato has it.

Mother: Ella entra a mi casa con su “family doctor”, hablando de que “normalize ADD”.

Britney: Okay, she hates me.

Louis: She’s not talking about you. Mama, yo entiendo que no te cae bien su unisex apparel

Britney: What?

Louis: Y si no fuera por ella, yo nunca viera “White Lotus”.

Mother: Esta brujita, con su Pinterest, hablando de que, “Hey man, wanna go get some sweet green?”

Britney: What is she saying?

Mother: Pero no me digas a mi que te vas a casar con ella o tenera una relacion “long-term”, okay? No.

Britney: What?

Mother: A mi no me importa si tu te metes con eila para un “one-night-stand”, “hit it and quit it”, “rip and dip”. I don’t care. That’s okay.

Britney: Okay, that was all English. Please, I would just love to start over.

Louis: Yes. Can we please just eat? How about that?

Britney: Yes, this looks delicious, Ms. Flores. But before we eat, mind if I say Grace?

Mother: Grace? Oh, Mija. Louis… why didn’t you tell me she was a woman of God?

Louis: Oh my god.

Mother: Now where are my grandchildren?

Pedro Pascal Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Pedro Pascal.

[Pedro Pascal walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Pedro Pascal: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here. Thank you. I spent the last year shooting a show called The Last of Us on HBO. For some HBO shows, you get to shoot in a five star Italian resort surrounded by beautiful people. But I said “No, that’s too easy. I want to shoot in a freezing Canadian forest while being chased around by a guy whose head looks like a genital wart.” It is an honor being a part of these huge franchises like Game of Thrones and Star Wars, but I’m still getting used to people recognizing me. The other day a guy stopped me on the street and said “My son loves the Mandalorian.” The next thing I know I’m FaceTiming with a six year old who has no idea who I am because my character wears a mask for the entire show. So the guy is like “Just do the mando voice.” But the man’s voice is like a bedroom voice. Without the mask, it just sounds corny. So people walking by on the street just see me whispering to a six year old kid. “I can bring you in warm or I can bring you in cold.”

Even though I came to the US when I was little, I was born in Chile, and I have 34 first cousins who are still there. They’re very proud of me. I know they’re proud because they give my phone number to every single person they meet. Which means every day someone in Santiago will text me stuff like “Can you come to my wedding?” Or “Can you sing my priest Happy Birthday?” Or “Is baby Yoda mean in real life?” So I have to be like “No, no, no And his name is Grogu.

My cousins weren’t always so proud. Early in my career, I played small parts in every crime show. I even played two different characters on Law and Order. Pizza Cabasa, who looked like this. And one year later, I played Reggie Luqman who looked like this. And that, my friends is called range.

But it is amazing to be here. Like I said, I was born in Chile, and nine months later, my parents fled Pinochet and brought me and my sister to the US. They were so brave, and without them I wouldn’t be here in this wonderful country. And I certainly wouldn’t be standing here with you all tonight. So to all my family watching in Chile, I just want to say te amo, [foreign language]. Which means I love you. I miss you and stop giving out my phone number.

We’ve got an amazing show for you tonight. Cold Play is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.