Womens Theater

Molly… Melissa Villaseñor

Mikey Day

Curtis… Andrew Dismukes

Regina King

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Molly giving her presentation in school]

Molly: And with that extra floor, we can have extra classrooms and another gym.

Mikey: Okay, thank you Molly for that presentation on why our school should be taller. We’ll definitely think about it. Alright, we have one final performance in our assembly here today. Now sadly, the magician that was going to tech you about the dangers of J Walking couldn’t make it.

Curtis: No!

Mikey: I know, but we’re very lucky that an amazing backup was available instead. They are a feminist theater ensemble that performas feminist monologues at 11 PM at an underground book store that serves moscato. I wouldn’t take you to that show, but I invited them to do an age appropriate version for you guys and we are thrilled. So, without further due, Fembox.

[Fembox walk in. They are three.]

Regina: Hot and wet, my source of life
Soft place to land for his member
my elbow blossom
hairy and magical
touching my elbow at night
playing, learning
my elbow is my own
I only have one elbow

Molly: She only has one elbow?

Mikey: Oh god!

Kate: What’s with kids these days? Waxing their elbows?
In my day, we didn’t even know what an elbow was till our wedding night
and then you felt, “Wow, that thing’s got a mind of it’s own

Chris: Hah?

Curtis: They’re talking about their elbows but they’re pointing to their laps.

Aidy: Ay, tough girls got elbows too, okay?
Mine’s like a chevy bel air
it’s got a glaze on it like a creme donut
smells like WD-40
and you know what? You know who loved it?
every man I ever met

Heidi: [to Mikey] I thought you said they could change their material.

Mikey: I guess they changed it as little as humanly possible.

Regina: Our elbows, they birth our babies, they please our men, they gush the blood of life
Curtis: Do they?

Regina: Secret powers between my thighs,
my charisma, my juice, my joy, my fruit,
my secret South Carolina, my beautiful elbow

Chris: That ain’t even rhyme. These old ladies are messed up.

Kate: For the longest time, I was afraid to look at my elbow in the mirror
the other day, I decided to do it, just off the cobwebs
I thought, “Wow, this thing’s huge. And you know what? It ain’t half bad.”

Molly: My mom has big elbows too.

Heidi: That’s great, Molly.

Aidy: 1978, once I find my elbow, I was rubbing it against everything.
The bus, the sofa, air conditioners and every pillow in Poughkeepsie. Hey, hey, hey.

Mikey: Oh my god, they’re not even trying.

Curtis: Do I have a bad elbow?

Heidi: Yeah, I’m not sure this applies to you, Curtis.

Curtis: Yeah, I’m kidding. I figured out what they’re talking about.

Regina: Why do we come up with other names just to avoid saying ‘Elbow’?
Gash, critter, slit, see you next Tuesday

Heidi: That’s so much worse.

Curtis: [giggling] Critter.

Heidi: We’re not going to pay them, right?

Mikey: No, they didn’t ask for our money. Just to use our library. None of them have printers.

Kate: I love my elbow just the way god gave it to me.

Heidi: That’s actually a pretty good message.

Kate: I told my husband, “Look, this is the elbow you married, this is the elbow you’re going to get. And it’s not like you’re going to win any prizes for your four inch flaccid dong.

Heidi: Yeah, never mind.

Mikey: It’s fine. The parents actually had no problem with the penis content.

Aidy: Everybody in this room, you either have an elbow or you came from an elbow.

Regina: Whether your’s is big or small.

Kate: A grilled cheese or a sloppy Joanne.

Aidy: It’s about confidence.

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Confidence.

Aidy: Coz when you love yourself…

Regina: That’s right.

Aidy: You’re going to be surrounded by love.

Kate: You sure are.

Aidy: You are going to have love…

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Up to your vaginas.

[Mikey runs in]

Mikey: Okay. We are done. Sorry, guys. That was not appropriate at all.

Chris: That was actually pretty empowering.

Students: [cheering] Elbows! Elbows! Elbows!

Whats Your Type

DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim

Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong

Kendra… Regina King

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Link… Mikey Day

[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]

DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.

[Tampa walks in]

Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?

DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.

[Kendra walks in]

Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?

Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.

Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…

DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…

Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?

Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.

Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.

Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.

DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.

Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.

Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.

Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.

[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you

Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.

Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?

Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.

Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.

Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.

Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.

DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.

Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]

Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]

Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?

Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.

Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.

Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?

Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.

Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.

Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…

[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house

Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.

Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?

Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.

Kendra: Check please.

Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?

Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.

Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.

Link: Yeah.

[Kendra and Link walk to each other]

Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.

Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.

[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]

Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.

Weekend Update Trump Acquitted in Second Impeachment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s picture at left top corner.]

Well, like so many other men living in Florida, Donald Trump has once again escaped from justice. This has to be the dumbest trial I’ve ever seen. Here’s how dumb it was. The jurors who were deciding The case were the ones attacked by the defendant. The trial took place at the scene of the crime. And then right after the trial ended, one of the jurors who voted to acquit Trump ran out and said, “Someone’s got to prosecute this guy. He did it. This man belongs in jail. I mean, whatever you’re going to do? Are you going to impeach a president for anything, don’t you think it’s sending a mob to kill the vice-president? I feel bad for Pence. 43 of his work friends were like, “Oh come on, Mike, they only tried to hang you. Stop being such a drama queen.” I think it’d be hilarious if Biden now sent rioters back into the Capitol. And he was like, “What? You guys said it was fine.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the Capitol rioters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During Donald Trump’s impeachment, house manager showed security footage of Capitol rioters finally attacking police. But here’s a little black history lesson for you. Just because there’s video evidence doesn’t mean you’re going to get conviction.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pence and Mitt Romney.

Colin Jost: Video evidence of the violence in January six shows that the senator Mitt Romney and vice president Pence both had close calls with rioters. So, let me get this straight. You’re a white supremacist mob and you go after these guys? The two whitest guys I could think of. They make me look like Ice-T. And look, [Picture changes to Ted Cruz with his new hairstyle.] I know probably there are bigger things happening in the world, but can we talk about Ted Cruz’s hair for like, an hour? What happened here? It looks like he’s selling fireworks out of the back of El Camino. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this guy handcuffed crying on a curb in “Cops”. I mean, what are you doing, man? You’re a senator. Not the manager of a paintball range. At least the manager of the paintball range has some leadership skills.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York governor Andrew Cuomo who was the real life model for Moe Szyslak, announced that more New Yorkers will be eligible for the covid vaccine beginning next week. New Yorkers will have to provide documentation of their condition and answer medical questions like, “Whassa matter you?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Governor Cuomo also announced that he will allow sporting venues to open starting February Michael Che3rd but limit them to Colin Jost0% capacity, better known as Jets level.

Weekend Update The Pope Appoints Women Aunt Jemima Changes Name

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis has appointed two women at Vatican post that were previously held by men. Apparently, god came to him in a dream and told him he could pay women less.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Explosives missing from marine base” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A marine base in California revealed that 10 pounds of C4 explosives have gone missing from the facility. So, it’s either a domestic terror plot or someone’s having a gender reveal party.

[Picture changes to Morgan Wallen]

It was reported that after Morgan Wallen lost his recording contract and he was caught on video using the N words, sales for his album rose over 1000% proving my long held theory that if NBC would just let me say it, the ratings will go up.

[Cut to Michael Che shaking his head. There’s a picture of Popeyes burger at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Popeyes has introduced it’s first ever fish sandwich called the cajun flounder sandwich. It’s also the first ever fish sandwich to be made entirely of expired chicken.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: Actress Gina Carano was fired from the Mandalorian after sharing controversial anti semitic posts on social media. Yeah, I don’t know if Star Wars is the authority on what’s anti semitic. Remember that desert junk dealer from Phantom Menace?

[Cut to the video clip of the desert junk dealer]

Junk dealer: My trick’s gonna work. Gonna make all the money.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: If that’s not Nazi propaganda, I don’t know what is.

[Picture changes to an article that says “117 year old nun survives covid]

It was reported that 117 year old nun in France had survived coronavirus. And she’s actually starting to get insulted that god doesn’t want to meet her.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Larry Flynt at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Larry Flynt, the founder of Hustler magazine has died at the age of 78. His family has asked that in lieu of flowers, you send full bushes.

[Picture changes to Aunt Jemima logo]

The makers of Aunt Jemima products which has been criticized for using racist imagery, are finally changing their name to “Pearl Milling Company”. Pearl Milling is the name of the white lady who owned Aunt Jemima.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s sign and a glass of orange drink at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After customers Tweeted for it online, McDonald’s announced that it will bring back the fan favorite HiC orange drink.  But to honor Ronald McDonald, they’re rebranding it as “Clown Urine.”

Weekend Update Stephanie Green on Conspiracy Theories

Colin Jost

Stephanie Greene… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Despite Joe Biden’s inauguration, millions of people still believe in the QAnon conspiracy theory. Here to help explain it is a member of QAnon. Please welcome, Stephanie Greene.

[Stephanie Greene slides in. She is a witch.]

Stephanie Greene: Hello. Very good to be here together.

Colin Jost: Yes. Well, thank you for being here, Stephanie. You said you’re a single gal from Ohio?

Stephanie Greene: Yes, that’s right. Normal gal. I work in an office for business. Coffee, pencils, the whole line.

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. And you’re a member of QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Oh, big time. Yes. Q all the way.

Colin Jost: And what is QAnon all about.

Stephanie Greene: Okay, listen. Have you heard this? QAnon says there is an underground ring of very bad people. They gather to undermine Trump and to steal elections and to eat children. I hear that and I’m like, “Wow, where?”

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, it’s a very disturbing theory. So, what do you do with QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Yes. We try to get to the bottom of things. This underground cabal, what’s the deal? Who is part of it? How do you get an invite? Is it reservations or is it open table? Are there enough? Are there enough children to go round? Do you eat them on sight or do you take them home? Are they dipping sauces so much? So much to uncover.

Colin Jost: Right, yeah. It sounds like you’re pretty focused on the eating children part of QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Oh, it’s terrible. Yeah. I gotta get down there to stop them. I will grab those children right out of their mouths and take them to my house. My house is made of candy. And then I’ll eat them. I men I kill them. How am I doing?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Not great. I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want to help children.

Stephanie Greene: No. I love children. All kinds. Girls, boys, barbecue, sour cream and onion, cool ranch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think you want to eat them. Like maybe, that you’re only on the QAnon to find out where that’s happening.

Stephanie Greene: Why? Do you know? You’re a Hollywood elite, yes? Is there an email list? Wink for yes.

Colin Jost: I’ve just never heard of that. I’m not sure you’re actually going to find children to eat with QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Okay. I’m kind of glad you said that. Because I’m starting to get worried it isn’t real. The things, they keep not happening. I guess I’m starting to feel like maybe the whole thing is little bit coo-coo-bana. You know?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you might be right.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Look, can I make a confession? This is going to come out of left field. I am a witch.

Colin Jost: No. Yeah, that has been clear this whole time.

Stephanie Greene: My name is Grismelda. I live in a candy house in New Hampshire. I roast and eat whole children. But Colin, these people– These people are weird. They think celebrities eat babies so their skin can look younger. That ain’t what it does, queens. [pointing at her face]

Colin Jost: I think you look great.

Grismelda: Oh. This whole thing has been such a waste of time, Colin. The other day, I Skyped with a guy named Robert Lee-E, who told me that Jessica Chastein is the devil and then he showed me his penis. He thinks Hunter Biden is a laptop. His daughters were crying in the background. It was so sad.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m very sorry I have to break it to you Grismelda, but QAnon isn’t real. None of it.

Grismelda: [sigh] I knew it. Well, at least I can get the vaccine now. I’m 400 years old. So…

Colin Jost: 400?

Grismelda: Yes. I guess I’ll go back to being a witch. It’s hard because the children, they don’t eat candy anymore. No, no. I tried to build the house out of beyond beef, and it fell and the wolves came. I don’t know what the kids eat now. What do they eat? I don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I have to ask. What do you eat when you can’t eat children?

Grismelda: Oh, dogs.

Colin Jost: Oh, common!

Grismelda: No, I’m kidding. Chipotle. I’m not a monster.

Colin Jost: Grismelda, everyone.

Weekend Update Mackenzie TaylorJoy on Valentines Day

Michael Che

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy… Lauren Holt

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Valentine’s day is tomorrow. And this year, couples are having to get creative with plans. Here with her tips is relationships expert and author of the book “If You’re Single, You’re Doing It Wrong”, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy.

[Mackenzie Taylor-Joy slides in]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Hey, Michael. So happy to share my expertise about love.

Michael Che: So, your advice is just for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Nothing against single people, but if I didn’t have a boyfriend for Valentine’s Day, I would lose it. Can you imagine? Anyway, St. V-day. [message alert] Oh, just got a text from Brandon, my lover. He always texts me the cutest things. Here, I’ll read it to you. “Hey Mackenzie, sorry to do it this way but…” [starts reading silently][breathing heavy]

Michael Che: Well, what did he say?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What did who say?

Michael Che: Your boyfriend. You were just going to read us text.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Oh, he just said that we’re dumped and that’s actually really good. [starts sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Do you want to stop?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What? No way, Mr. Che. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: Are you sure? Because weren’t you going to give us date ideas for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yes. People always think couple activities are meant for pairs, but who says you can’t ride a tandem bike alone? Ha-ha-ha. Specially if you’ve already rented one for tomorrow. You can just do front or back. You can put your bag on the other seat and just talk to yourself. That’s so fun. [sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. Mackenzie, are you good?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Never been better. In fact, I got another one for you. I actually booked an Air B&B up state this weekend and guess what? B&-be by myself, alone, in the woods where the sun goes down at 4PM and it gets dark forever and it’s gonna rock. [sobbing][while wiping tears, she spoils all her eye makeup.]

Michael Che: Oh. Mackenzie, you got some makeup under your eyes.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh yes, it’s highlighter. It’s Rihanna’s brand. Pon de Replay.

Michael Che: No, hey. Do you want to maybe look at a monitor over there?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: No, I know what I look like.

Michael Che: Do you?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yeah. I look like an idiot for saying you can have fun on Valentine’s day by yourself. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What am I doing to do? Eat dinner alone? How does that even work?

Michael Che: Mackenzie, things will turn around soon. I promise.

[message alert]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, it’s from Brandon. Oh my god, okay, listen, listen, listen. He said, “Hey, sexy. I dumped Mackenzie. Sorry, wrong number.” Dammit!

Michael Che: Relationship expert, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, what’s on my face?

Michael Che: That’s what I was trying to tell you.

Weekend Update Drunk Tom Brady on Super Bowl LV

Michael Che

Tom Brady… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael che in his set]

Michael che: This week the Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Kansas city Chiefs and became Super Bowl champions. Tom Brady won his 7th Super Bowl and took on his fifth Super Bowl MVP award. Needless to say he’s been having a good time celebrating. Here to comment is drunk Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady slides in]

Tom Brady: Brady! Brady! Brady! What’s up, Michael? Seven Super Bowl. What? That’s insane.

Michael che: Wow, you seem to be having a good time. This is a new side of Tom Brady.

Tom Brady: Dud! It’s coz I’ve been Tampin out. I’m a Florida, baby. Yeah. They got boat parades in water and sunshine and girls wearing these little bikinis. I’m not stuck in a freezer cold in Boston with the pilgrims and old man Belichick. Hear that, Bill? You’re not my dad anymore.

Michael che: You alright, Tom?

Tom Brady: Oh yeah, man. Life’s good. I’m my own man now. I’m free to go day drinking on my new boat and toss the lombardi trophy around without a care in the world.

Michael che: Yeah. I saw you throwing the Super Bowl trophy from one boat to another.

Tom Brady: Oh, yeah. That was awesome. I’ve been bringing this bad boy around me pretty much everywhere. [pulls out the trophy. The trophy is worn and torn.] Yeah, this is a little banged up but she still works. [opens a beer bottle with the trophy] Like that. Oops. Ha-ha-ha. It works so it cracked it right open. This stuff is good. I’m finally going around with thsi stuff.

Michael che: There may be some glass in there.

Tom Brady: Yeah, maybe. If you were surprised I would toss this bad boy around, but the trophy has got a football on it. And I’m a quarterback. So, it makes sense. Ha-ha. What else am I going to do? Punt it?

Michael che: Yeah. I don’t know bout that.

Tom Brady: Another trophy.

Michael che: Are you alright, Tom?

Tom Brady: I don’t know. I just won the Super Bowl. Probably going to win another one next year too. My problem is nobody likes me.

Michael che: No. Tom, man.

Tom Brady: I don’t know what I did so wrong. All I did was go out and win Super Bowl. I keep thinking that maybe one more trophy and people are gonna like me. No. Don’t talk about the wins. They just talk about how I kiss my son.

Michael che: Hey, look man, I get it. You know. You’ve had a lot of haters but don’t let them bring you down.

Tom Brady: Dude, I’m messing with you, Che. Ha-ha-ha. I don’t care. People can say whatever they want. I’m the best damn quarterback ever. I feel great. My wife is just Gisele. I only feel good.

Michael che: Drunk Tom Brady, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Second Impeachment Trial Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Bruce Castor… Mikey Day

Michael Van Der Veen… Pete Davidson

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight show intro] [Cut to Tucker Carlson in his set] [cheers and applause]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening. Welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight. I’m your host and human white claw, Tucker Carlson. There’s a lot to cover tonight including impeachment. So, in place of my usual monologue, here’s a loose collection of scaremongering non sequiturs.

Is AOC hiding in your house right now? Wouldn’t put it past her.

Pronounce for dogs? Come on! Everybody knows they’re boys.

Pixar, is it making our kids depressed or gay? Pick one!

Well, the impeachment has reached it’s foregoing conclusion with the requital of Donald J. Trump. And tonight’s first guest is a power player in those hearings, please welcome 65 year old teacher’s pet, senator Lindsey Graham.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Tucker. It’s a great day for 30% of America and tonight, we party.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. Well Lindsey, you’re obviously very happy bout the verdict.

Lindsey Graham: Look Tucker, this trial was offensive and absurd, like a freaking episode of Rick and Morty. Excuse my foul language. But we all agree of the attack at the Capitol was a horrible thing but just because the rioters were yelling “Fight for Trump” doesn’t mean they meant Donald Trump. Could have been some real Tiffany heads. Maybe even some Eric-stans. I don’t know. But regardless, the trial is over and now we can move pass this and focus on the serious issues as locking up Hillary and freeing beautiful Britney Spears.

Tucker Carlson: That’s a great point, Lindsey. It really makes me want to contort my face like I’m thinking.

Lindsey Graham: I just don’t understand why everyone insists on taking Donald Trump down. He is smart. He is nice. He’s in shape. Last fall, he died of covid and didn’t even tell nobody. And now, everybody’s saying he attempted a coo. He didn’t attempt a coo. He is coo. He’s the coo-lest guy I know.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. Maybe the coo-est guy ever?

Lindsey Graham: Look, the important thing is the good guys won again and we couldn’t have done it without this bastard, Get in here, Ted Cruz.

Tucker Carlson: Wow, senator Cruz. Welcome to the show.

Ted Cruz: Well thanks, Tucker. [There’s a label below Aidy Bryant that says – Sen. Ted Cruz – Trump said “Wife Ugly”] Wait, whats does it say below me? Oh yeah, that’s what Trump said about my wife. I think she is beautiful but since Trump is the boss, sorry honey, you’re busted.

Tucker Carlson: Just in time for valentine’s day. And can I say, the beard is working.

Ted Cruz: Well, you’d be the first.

Tucker Carlson: Now, Mr. Trump’s defense team got off to a pretty rough start earlier in the week. Can you tell me how you pull this out? And while you talk, I’m going to have a look on my face like a baby like he’s seeing his first balloon.

Ted Cruz: Well, thanks for the question. Like any impartial juror, we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers, to give them some very simple legal advice. “Stop and don’t”.

Lindsey Graham: But overall, Ted and I are proud of Trump’s lawyers who are both partners at the law firm of Salino and Yaks.

Ted Cruz: Damn right. Thanks, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Thank you, gentlemen. While we’re on the subject of the Trump defense team, let’s take another look at some of the arguments from earlier.

[Cut to Bruce Castor]

Bruce Castor: Hello, senate and other serious people. I want to apologize for being unprepared last time. I was out here wife-butt-decaf. But I’ll promise I’ll make it up to you now. As you all know, I am the lead prosecutor. Nope, sorry. I’m the council. I know of the difference. But as Trump’s meaning– Nope, not right either. Bride’s maid– Nope, sorry. I need a second. Let’s hear it from the prosecution. Wowser, am I right? You all rule. Crushed it. Well, that’s my time.

[Bruce Castor storms out and Michael Van Der Veen walks in]

Michael Van Der Veen: Alright. I’ll take it from here. My name is Mr. Van Der Veen. That’s Dutch for “Man of the penis”. So, I’ve heard it all. First off, let me say that I do not want to be here. I am not like you. I’m not from Warshington. I’m a Philly boy. And I said that uver and uver (over and over). And this is the wort thing that’s been in the senate chamber in the history of a couple of weeks. Too many crickets. And now the house wants to bring up witnesses over Zoom? Zoom? I can’t afford to Zoom. You think I’m getting paid for this? And this is supposed to be on my last day. I already bought a non-refundable train ticket back home to Phillyvania Pennsyldelphia. But if they insist on witnesses, I’m going to call some of my own. Like, vice-president Kalua Harris, Anya Presly and Elon Omana. Now, did I mispronounce the names of all these women of color on purpose or out of ignorance? You’ll never know. But if you think Donald Trump saying the word ‘fight’ is a crime, I invite you to look at this tape. [cut to video clips of many political personalities and movie dialogs saying ‘fight’] Well said, Jar-Jar, me-so-rest my case.

Tucker Carlson: We now go to our final guest tonight. Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell.

Mitch McConnell: Hello, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Now, senator McConnell, why did you vote to acquit Donald Trump?

Mitch McConnell: Because everyone knows you cannot impeach a former president. That’s why we should have impeached him before back when I said we could.

Tucker Carlson: Well, that logic pretzels out but what do you really think of Trump?

Mitch McConnell: I think he’s guilty as hell and the worst president I ever met and I hope every city, county and state locks his ass up. Oh, god. That felt good. I’ve been holding that inside my neck for four years. I got cracker crumbs in here.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. So, what’s next?

Mitch McConnell: I don’t know about my colleagues, but I plan to reach my hand across the isle and then yank it back and slide across my hair and say, “Too slow.”

Tucker Carlson: That’s beautiful. Thanks for coming, senator. We will be back right after this ad for senior emergency buttons, but first, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Regina King Monologue

Regina King

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Regina King.

[Regina King walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Regina King: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow. Happy Valentine’s day everybody. I can’t believe I am actually here hosting Saturday Night Live. I remember watching Eddy Murphy on this show when I was a little kid and thinking, “Wow, some day I’m going to be on that stage.” Then he left and I was like, “Umm, I’m good.” I’m kidding. It’s such an honor to be here.

I had a pretty wild career. If you’re black, you probably know me from being in some of your favorite movies and if you’re white, you probably know me from “Watchmen” or this monologue right now. And I’m not complaining. I kind of like it that way. Whenever black fame gets too crazy for me, I just go to the nearest white town and I’m a regular old suspecious shopper again.

Okay, I’m trying to play it cool right now but I’m actually nervous. I asked Lorn what to do if I get scared while I’m out here and he said, “Don’t panic. When in doubt, play the race card.” Then he did a little shoulder shimmy and moon-walked out of my dressing room. He’s an interesting guy.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan: Hey, Regina. Welcome.

Regina King: Hey, Kenan. What are you doing out here?

Kenan: I just wanted to tell you again how excited we are to have you hosting.

Regina King: Aw, so sweet. Are you dressed like that fora sketch?

Kenan: I dress like a who or what now?

Regina King: Oh. Never mind. But I’m glad you’re here because I’m actually kind of nervous.

Kenan: Look, trust me. You got nothing to worry about. And this show has been on the air for like, I don’t know, 20 years? It’s a well-oiled machine, just like the ‘Hindenburg’.

Regina King: Okay. Well, could you stay up here with me while I finish my monologue for support?

Kenan: Oh, say less, girl. I got you. I’m right here.

Regina King: Thank you. I feel better already. Alright, let me start again. It’s great to be in New York city.

Kenan: [pulls out a mic] Yeah, yeah. Regina King is in the house, New York city, make some noise?

[cheers and applause]

Hey, my dude. Hey, my dude right here. You ain’t making enough noise. She won an Oscar, dog!

Regina King: Hey, Kenan, what are you doing?

Kenan: I’m sorry. You know, I’m just keeping it high for you. Continue.

Regina King: Alright, anyway, okay. It’s been a crazy year. I directed a movie called “One Night in Miami”.

Kenan: You better recognize. She got nominated for Golden Gli-sove, baby!

Regina King: Thank you. It’s about a historic night which Luke, Rick Ross, Trick Daddy and Pit Boy dinnered at a waffle house together.

Kenan: [yelling] Did y’all hear that? My girl is up here killing it. Y’all better make some noise for that. [cheers and applause] Hey, my dude! You still ain’t clapping loud enough, mite.

Regina King: Kenan! Kenan!

Kenan: Is that too much?

Regina King: Yeah. Way too much. I’m a trained actor and I don’t need all that. Plus, you’re scaring this guy.

Kenan: That’s my bad. It’s your world, queen. But you better give it up or you’re going to get this kung-fu.

Regina King: Wait, wait. Slow down, turbo. I got this. Now I need all my ladies to say “Ah”.

Crowd: Ah.

Regina King: And all my fellows to say “Ho”.

Crowd: Ho.

Regina King: We got a great show for you tonight. Nathaniel Rateliff is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Pelotaunt SNL

[Starts with people pedaling the exercise cycle]

Trainer: Okay, Palotaunt, let’s go.

Female voice: Only Palotaunt delivers 24/7 non-stop motivation from world class instructors right in your home.

Trainer: You smashed it.

Female voice: But what if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t respond to encouragement?

Trainer: You did this.

Melissa: If I hear the phrase “You can do it”, I literally won’t just to prove a point.

Ego: If anyone yells that I can do one more, I will immediately get off this thing, unplug it and go smoke.

Beck: I cannot be cheer leaded. I know myself.

Female voice: For those people, we introduce Palotaunt. The only exercise bike that provides you with personalized at home negative reinforcement and relentless criticism.

Trainer: Ready to do this?

Melissa: No.

Trainer: I don’t give a [bleep]. I get paid either way. [walks away]

Melissa: Hey, I guess I can do a little bit. Look. Come back.

Female voice: Using patented passive aggression, each Palotaunt instructor will pull from a tool kit of emotional manipulation styles guaranteed to get even the laziest cyclists moving.  Techniques such as snotty disdain.

Trainer: Really nice big t-shirt. Do you wear that to swim?

Beck: No.

Trainer: Well, thanks for wearing it here.

[Beck starts pedaling harder]

Female voice: Insincere praise.

Trainer: Okay, Susan, I know you just had a baby, so go at your own pace.

Susan: What? I didn’t have a baby.

Trainer: Oh, are you sure you didn’t?

Susan: Yeah.

Trainer: Oh, okay. Oh. Maybe one day.

[Susan starts pedaling harder]

Female voice: And avoidant attachment style that will put you in a state of complete co-depenence.

[Two trainers are discussing their own thing while Melissa is pedaling]

Trainer: I was trying to figure out what to do with that.

Melissa: Should I go up a level?

[Trainers ignoring her]

Melissa: If you want to talk to me, I’m right here. Look. Look at me, guys. I’m doing it.

Female voice: No corny inspirational speeches here. Just withering judgement sure to get your heart pumping and your brain thinking, “Am I bad?”

Trainer: Let’s give it up for Mike who’s working out in his garage.

Mike: Oh, no. This is my living room.

Trainer: What?

Mike: I feel mentally broken down, but hey, I can see my abs.

Susan: I hate exercise, but I hate Sarah more.

Trainer: This is you. [mocking Susan]

Female voice: Palotaunt has all the upgraded features that keep you moving out of spite. Features like gaslighting you about how far you’ve gone.

Mike: Hey, it says I did four rides but I did five.

Trainer: No, I think you did four. It’s a computer.

Female voice: Live video of your own ass from behind with an exaggerated fisheye mode.

Mike: Oh god. Is that mine?

Female voice: Constant picture of an elderly woman who’s thousand times better than you.

Melissa: Is there a way to turn her off? She’s kicking my ass.

Female voice: A humiliating sound check that will make you feel stupid.

[funny sound playing]

Trainer: And stop. That was good.

Melissa: It was? [sobbing]

Female voice: Palotaunt. Also available in mom.

Mom: Well, this was a dumb thing to buy. Great job, Mike.