Weekend Update- Donald Trump Swears-In

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, on Friday, half of America had to go out and buy a new TV. [picture changes to a broken TV] Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. Many have noted that the crowd at the inauguration was smaller than usual but you can’t expect people to stand outside in the cold rain, knowing they’re about to lose their healthcare. My favorite part was watching the reaction to Trump’s speech like this one. [Picture of Michelle Obama looking unimpressed] You know, they say a picture says a thousand words. This picture of Michelle Obama only says one. “Mm!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of inaugural concert at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Thursday, an inaugural concert featuring Three Doors Down, Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith was held in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It was the second worst live performance Lincoln has ever attended.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump was sworn in as president using two bibles. Abraham Lincoln’s bible from 1860 and Trump’s personal bible still in it’s original wrapping.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump described Washington as a small group of elitists who prospered at the expense of the American people. But I”m sure that’s going to change now that his cabinet of bankers and oil tycoons are in charge. [Picture changes to Michelle Obama] “Mm!”

[Picture changes to people on protest]

There were massive protests during the inauguration and some of them even became violent like when [picture changes to Richard Spencer] famous white nationalist and all around fun guy Richard Spencer got socked in the face just for living. Look at this.

[Cut to video clip of Richard Spencer]

Richard Spencer: It’s a Pepe’s become a kind of a symbol– [Richard gets sucker punched by a protestor] [Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Oh, man, that just makes me so sad. [laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer]

Colin Jost: Just hours ago, Sean Spicer made his first appearance as White House press secretary. He seemed a little defensive about how many people came to watch Trump’s inauguration.

[Cut to Sean Spicer speaking in inauguration]

Sean Spicer: This is the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Here’s how we know he’s lying. In addition to photographic evidence. I don’t trust anyone who ends a sentence with a word ‘period’. Imagine if someone said, “Look, I’m a doctor. Period.” I’ll be like, “I don’t think this van is a real hospital.”

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Outgoing president Barack Obama gave his final press conference on Wednesday. He told the American people, “I think we are going to be okay,” which sounds comforting but remember, “It’s gonna be okay” is also what George tells Lenny at the end of “Of Mice and Men”.

In total during his two terms in office, president Obama commuted the prison sentences of record, one385 future democrats.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of women’s march at right top corner]

Michael Che: The women’s march in Washington was held today. It is estimated that the turnout was twice as big as the inauguration. But you know, size doesn’t matter. Am I right, ladies? No? I’m not right? It’s the number one thing? Oh! Okay. It was an amazing show of support for feminism. But some feminist groups were actually asked not to march because of pro life views. Which raises the question, what makes feminist a feminist? It’s confusing. It’s confusing. My mother raised seven kids by herself. She’s the strongest woman I know. I asked her if she was a feminist and she said, “Boy, god made Adam and Eve.” And I was like, that’s not what that means. A feminist is really just someone who believes in equal rights for women. And that’s easy to get behind… that is until you see a feminist screaming into a cop’s face wearing a home made uterus hat and you’re like, “Oh, there are levels to this.” I just think it’s weird to get a special name for just being a reasonable person. That’s all it is. Believing in equality just means you’re not a dick. And for me, that’s enough. I support women’s rights for the same reason I won’t let my cousin rob Colin. It’s because I’m not a dick.

Weekend Update on Hamilton’s Handwritten Letters

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a stone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists in Britain have uncovered a 4,000 year old etching of a face in a rock, which may be the first stone age selfie, or, hear me out, it isn’t.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of  Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Handwritten letters by founding father Alexander Hamilton were sold at auction for more than $2 million. And you know they are authentic because they all being- [in accent] “Yo, my name is Hamilton and I’m here to say…”

[Picture changes to McDonald’s]

Michael Che: This is why my cousin was gonna rob you. [Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: It’s the best I got. McDonald’s has announced that it will be offering two new versions of Big Mac, one for each type of diabetes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Earth at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that the global temperature has reached a record high and the bumblebee has been added to the endangered species list which is alarming. But it’s hard to get people to freak about bees dying or global warming because everyone loves warm weather and they hate bees. Maybe if it were the other way around, people would actually start getting involved. Maybe if the weather report in Miami was like, “Yo, tomorrow’s gonna a high of 8 degrees and mad bees.” It’s just certain things just feels too overwhelming to take on. Like, when you learn the consequences of climate change and the extinction of bees, you have two options. You can either A, ignore it and hope it works itself out, or B, become the guy that bring up bumblebees on a first date. The girl asked you, “So what do you do?” “Well, I dedicated my entire life to preserving the bumblebee.” And she’s just sitting there like, [picture changes to Michelle Obama] “Mm!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a car and a handcuffs at left top corner.

Colin Jost: A couple in Maryland were arrested after they were discovered having sex in their car while two kids were in the back seat. Worse, the kids kept asking, “Are you there yet?”

[Michael Che laughing] [picture changes to Ringling Bros and Barnum Bailey logo]

It was announced that after more than 140 years, the Ringling brothers circus will close in may due to falling ticket sales and protests from animal rights groups. The animals will be released in a sanctuaries while the clowns will be released into the woods.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones about Black History

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

 Colin Jost: The movie ‘Hidden Figures’ which tells the true story of black female engineers in 1960s NAS is being called this year’s breakout film. Here to talk about it is Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in] [cheers and applause]

 Leslie Jones: Woo! Thank you. Thank you, Colin.

 Colin Jost: It’s nice to see you, Leslie. So, you saw ‘Hidden Figures’?

 Leslie Jones: Yes, I did. And I have to admit that I almost didn’t watch it. I thought it was going to be ‘The Help’ in space.

 Colin Jost: Yeah. You konw, it’s not ‘The Help’ in space.

 Leslie Jones: I know it’s not, you creamy slice of provolone cheese.

 Colin Jost: Provolone cheese?

 Leslie Jones: [getting serious] I like cheese! [Colin Jost stays quiet] [Cut to Leslie Jones] But I am so glad I watched the movie. It taught me something I never knew. Black women helped astronauts go to space. Why didn’t they teach me that in school? Okay? If I had known that as a kid, who knows where I would be?

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: So you think you might have gone to space?

 Leslie Jones: Hell no. It’s cold and scary up there. Space is where the predator comes from. [Cut to Leslie Jones] But here’s my issue. We cram all of the black history into just one month. All we have time for is George Washington Carver and all his peanut stuff. We should learn all black history, all through the year around and each it to everybody. Like, did y’all know a black man invented the traffic light? I just learned that. Maybe I would have respected the traffic light more if I knew those signals was coming from a brother, you know? If I knew the red light was saying ‘stop, sister’, or yellow light was saying, ‘slow down, baby’, or the green was like, ‘push through, boo.’ And get this, a black person invented the mailbox. Now, how did y’all miss that one, white people? Didn’t you see letters laying on the ground and just didn’t think, “There’s got to be a better way.” We more than this peanut stuff.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Now let me blow your mind. You ready for me to blow your mind?

 Colin Jost: Yeah. Sure. Yeah, go ahead.

 Leslie Jones: The lone ranger was black. The lone ranger, Colin! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Now, you know how I found out he was black, right? By watching my favorite show ‘Timeless’ on NBC, Monday nights at 10 PM.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: Yeah. NBC is not gonna pay you more to–

 Leslie Jones: Shut up.

 Colin Jost: Okay.

[audience laughing]

Just time wasn’t that accurate.

 Leslie Jones: Shut up.

 Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. That’s fine.

 Leslie Jones: Guess what else a black person invented? Caller ID and call waiting.

 Colin Jost: Really?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

 Leslie Jones: Yes! It was invented by Dr. Shirley Jackson. Somebody should have called Shirley back coz that bitch invented a way to make you call her back. She wasn’t even in tech. she was just a chick who wanted Charles to pick up the phone.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Who is Charles?

 Leslie Jones: Charles knows who he is. [Michael Che and Colin Jost laughing] [Cut to Leslie Jones] Look, you never know what’s going to spark something in a person. The first time I heard Richard Pryor’s voice, I knew I would be a comedian. That’s why you gotta tell everybody’s story. And listen, Hollywood, if you write the Leslie Jones story, don’t lone ranger me and cast me as some pretty little white girl. Cast me the way I see myself, Pam Greer about 15 years ago or Malia Obama 10 years from now. That’s what I want.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone!

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: So that was about ‘Hidden Figures, right?

[Colin Jost and Leslie Jones laughing out loud]

Weekend Update Jake Rocheck from Friend Zone

Michael Che

Jake Rocheck… Mikey Day

Shannon… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: A recent survey found that a majority of men with a close female friend secretly hope their relationship will turn sexual. Here with more on that shocking statistic is Jake Rocheck who joins us live via satellite from the friend zone.

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Hi. Hi, Michael. Um, I’m currently here deep in the friend zone helping my friend Shannon move into her new apartment. So, I’ve been driving boxes across town all day and carrying awkward furniture upstairs for a pretty girl who is not attracted to me, whatsoever. In fact, just today, Shannon said to me and I quote, “I can’t even picture you having sex,” which I find confusing because I can picture her having sex very easily.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Ouff! Yeah, well, tell us what’s the hardest part about being in the friend zone.

Jake Rocheck: Um, all of it, but [cut to Jake Rocheck] nights are specially difficult. Often times Shannon will have drama with one of the selfish bad boys she’s attracted to, ask me to come over and we’ll sleep in the same bed so she’s not lonely. She easily falls asleep where as I lay awake all night actively suppressing an erection and painfully holding in gas.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Oh, man! Jake, how does a guy like you end up in the friend zone?

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Um, well, in my case, I found myself in the friend zone with Shannon because when we met I was nice and kind.

Michael Che: Oh! [laughing]

Jake Rocheck: Um, it absolutely killed my chance at a physical relationship. but I ended up with a friendship that honestly, Michael, I wouldn’t trade for anything.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: OH, so what if Shannon had change of heart and wanted to–

Jake Rocheck: [interrupting] To start having sex? I would immediately do that.

Michael Che: Well, have you considered telling Shannon how you feel about her?

Jake Rocheck: Um, to be honest, Michael, [Cut to Jake Rocheck] I haven’t given it much thought, besides the six-page email explaining why we belong together currently saved in my drafts folder. Sometimes when I’m drunk, I’ll read it, add a few lines and hover the cursor over the send button, but never clock send because unfortunately, Michael, I am a little baby bitch boy.

[Shannon walks in]

Shannon: Jakey, don’t hate me, but can you build my IKEA stuff?

Michael Che: Oh, I’d love to. Um, Michael, this is Shannon.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che, Jake Rocheck and Shannon]

Shannon: Oh! Hey, sorry I interrupted.

Michael Che: [sarcastically] Ah, you’re so rude, Shannon. I can’t believe you did that.

Shannon: [flirting and laughing] Oh my god, shut up. Jake, your friend is a jerk. Um, [looking at the camera] we should hang out. Get my number from Jake.

Michael Che: Oh, oh my god, Shannon, stop telling me what to do!

Shannon: [laughing] Shut up. You are trouble.

Michael Che: Yeah, I know.

[Jake Rocheck is nodding his head feeling awkward] [Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: [yelling] Wow, that was so much fun to be here for. I’m so pumped you guys flirted and made plans in front of me. Just, um, make sure you are always there for her.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Nah, Jake. That’s your job. From the friend zone, Jake Rocheck, everybody!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Vladimir Putin Cold Open

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video message]

Male voice: And now a paid message from the Russian Federation.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin in his office. He is not wearing any shirt.]

Vladimir Putin: Hello, America. Yesterday we all made Donald Trump the 45th president of the United States. Hurray! We did it! Huh? And today, many of you are scared and marching in the streets. You are worried that your country is in the hands of this unpredictable man, but don’t worry. It’s not. [smirking] Relax! I got this. Put is going to make everything okay. I promise that we will take care of America. It’s the most expensive thing we’ve ever bought.

I know many of you Americans are skeptical of president Trump. Many Russians were skeptical of me at first too. But today, nobody ever seems to hear from any of them. It’s like, they’re gone. It always works out. So, why are American women protesting? Huh? In Russian, women have no reason to protest. Listen to this woman.

[Olya Povlatsky walks in with a piece of paper to read]

Olya Povlatsky: Hello, I am Olya, a Russian woman. I am so happy. Each day I wake up with big smile on my face like this. [making horrified face] Ah! I sleep in bed, not in carcass of dog. My president is number one hottie for all time.

Vladimir Putin: Whoa, whoa. That’s a lot, but it’s fair. Here you go. [Vladimir Putin pulls a fish out and gives it to Olya Povlatsky]

Olya Povlatsky: Wow! My pension.

[Olya Povlatsky runs out]

Vladimir Putin: Now, do I think your new president is perfect? Hah, perhaps not. But don’t worry. I will get him there. Donald, let’s talk as friends. You’re not off to a great start, man! I thought you’d be better at this. However, I’m glad to see so many people showed up to your inauguration.

[Cut to a huge crowd] [Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Oh, wait. That’s the women’s march. Here is inauguration.

[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump’s inauguration crowd] [Cut to Vladimir Putin shaking his head]

And today you went to the CIA and said 1 million people came to see you in Washington DC? If you’re going to lie, don’t make it so obvious. Say that you are friends with LeBron James, not that you are LeBron James.

And I saw your speech too. It was a little bleak, no? Trust me. I know bleak. I wake up every day and I’m in Russia. Also, your whole inauguration was kind of heavy on the god stuff, huh? I never heard you say god that much. And I have tapes of you having sex. What was with the outfit on Kellyanne Conway? Look?

[Cut to a picture of Kellyanne Conway wearing weird dress.]

I mean, does she work for you or is she holding the door for people at FAO Schwartz? I still love you, Kellyanne. Also a dear friend.

So listen, America. It’s going to be fine. Frankly, wouldn’t it be nice to have a good relationship between our countries again? Russia is leading exporter of so many things Americans need, like, oil, track suits and scary pornography. Hah? And who knows? One day your country could be as happy as we are here in Russian. We are not divided. [Olya Povlatsky is looking a Vladimir Putin from outside the window that’s behind Vladimir Putin] You know, like you. Because all our people are so glad for their freedom. So, America, it’s going to be a long four years for many of you. But remember, we are in this together. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Pizza Town

Carozzi… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Peppi Ronnie… Aziz Ansari

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Steve… Mikey Day

Marynara… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Carozzi hiding in an abandoned Pizza Town]

Carozzi: [talking on the phone] Cops are all over the stash house. So, I’m laying low at the abandoned Pizza Town off route. Look, if you find that snitch, you kill him.

[Two cops walk in pointing a gun at Carozzi]

Beck: Freeze, Carozzi. [to his partner] See if you can find the fuse box and get some light on it.

[Kenan runs to turn lights on]

Carozzi: How did you find me?

Beck: One of you boys ratted you out. Your whole operation’s going down.

Carozzi: Who ratted? Was it Marco?

Beck: Let me worry about that.

Kenan: Found the fuse box.

[the lights turn oh. There’s a robot band on the stage of the restaurant.] [music playing]

Peppi Ronnie: I’m Peppi Ronnie. [singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie

Let’s all eat pizza, pizza
let’s all eat pizza pie
I am a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza guy

Beck: Why’d you turn this thing one?

Kenan: I don’t know. It’s just one switch.

Beck: Don’t do anything stupid, Carozzi.

Peppi Ronnie: Say hi to my pizza pals.

[Jeff is playing drums wearing chef uniform]

Jeff: I’m Chef Jeff, and I make-a the pizzas.

[Steve is playing guitar that looks like a pizza]

Steve: I’m Cheesy Steve and I shred the guitar-mesan.

[guitar solo playing] [Marynara is playing tamborine]

Marynara: And I’m Sauce-some Marynara on the Tamborine.

Peppi Ronnie: We are Peppi-Ronnie and the Pizza Pals, and we’ll be right pizza!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off] [Carozzi is tryin to pull something out of his jacket]

Beck: Hey! Hey! That’s a bad idea.

Kenan: Yeah, I know, right? They should have Marynara on the keyboards instead of tambourine. Ha-ha. There’s so much synth in that song.

Beck: I’m not talking about the pizza band.

[siren sound]

Sounds like our backup’s here.

Peppi Ronnie: That sound was the birthday siren! [music playing] It’s someone’s birthday!

[singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like the birthday pie
go happy pizza birthday
birthday girl, birthday guy

Congratulations to–

Recorded voice: Samora.

Peppi Ronnie: Who turnes–

Recorded voice: Nine.

Peppi Ronnie: And is is celebrating with–

Recorded voice: Mom and Gary.

Peppi Ronnie: Cowabunga!

Recorded voice: Lope.

Peppi Ronnie: Here’s a joke just for you. Did you hear about the pizza with no toppings? There was mushroom (much room) for improvement!

Steve: That’s cheesy!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: You get it? Ha-ha. Mushroom for improvement. Yeah, that’s clever.

Carozzi: Hey, i’m not going back to jail.

Beck: Shut up. I don’t want to shoot you, Carozzi. Now I’m coming over and taking you in.
[music playing and the stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: [singing] Don’t you want some pizza
don’t you want some pizza

[music stops]

Oh! Who ordered anchovies?

[fog horn]

PIzza!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: That’s good. Nobody likes anchovies.

Beck: Stop watching the pizza band.

[Beck walks towards Carozzi to handcuff him]

Carozzi: I want a lawyer, okay?

Beck: Well, it’s not gonna help you, Corozzi. Come on, let’s take him in.

Kenan: Yeah, you go ahead. I’m gonna stay behind and wait for forensics.

[The stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: Hey, who here likes to dance?

[Kenan looks around]

Kenan: I do.

Peppi Ronnie: Then let’s crust a move!

[music playing] [Kenan starts dancing] [singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie

 

La La Land Interrogation

Damarco… Cecily Strong

Santagelli… Beck Bennett

Mr. Shah… Aziz Ansari

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Damarco and Santagelli getting inside the interrogating room. Mr. Shah is a suspect.]

Damarco: Well, well, well. Look who it is.

Santagelli: You smell that, Damarco?

Damarco: Yeah! It’s a big fat piece of dog crap.

Mr. Shah: I’m sorry. What? I’ve been in this room for two hours and no one will tell me what I did.

Damarco: Shut up, punk! You know what you did.

Santagelli: I can’t even look at you. You disgust me.

Damarco: Last night, 7 PM. Ring any bells?

Mr. Shah: [shaking head] Yeah. I was on a date with this new girl I’m seeing. Call her. She’ll tell you.

Santagelli: No need. We’ve got the security footage for your little date right here.

Damarco: It’s gonna help put you away for a very long time. Roll it, Santagelli.

[Santagelli plays the tape on the TV] [Cut to Mr. Shah’s date with Aidy]

Aidy: So, what’s been your favorite movie this year? Mine was ‘La La Land’. Hands down.

Mr. Shah: ReallY?

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, it was good, but I thought it kind of dragged in the middle.

[Cut to the interrogation room. Santagelli turns off the TV.]

Damarco: What do you have to say for yourself you sick son of a bitch?

Mr. Shah: What do you mean?

[Damarco walks to Mr. Shah and gets aggressive]

Damarco: ‘La La Land’ is a perfect film!

Mr. Shah: Whoa! Okay! I mean, I liked it. I just thought there were too many montages in the middle.

Damarco: that’s how you show the passage of time you dumb mother–

Santagelli: [interrupting] Damarco! Damarco!

Damarco: Sorry. I just– Ryan Gosling didn’t learn piano from scratch so some little prick could come and nitpick.

Santagelli: Listen, Mr. Shah, we’re on your side. Just help us understand why you said what you said about this gorgeous musical.

Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I mean, I liked it. It was fun. The singing was good. I mean I guess I just didn’t think it was like amazing singing.

Santagelli: [yelling] That’s the f-ing point!

Damarco: They’re just regular people falling in love and singing.

Santagelli: And they weren’t singing to a track. They were really singing on the day.

Damarco: Yeah, yeah. I’d like to see you sing on the day you dumb sack of–

[Damarco throws the chair to one sided see through mirror and breaks it.]

Santagelli: Now, I’m gonna show you a picture and I want you to tell me what you see, alright?

[Santagelli puts a picture on the table]

Mr. Shah: A bloody woman?

Santagelli: Oh, sorry, that’s from our other case. [Santagelli shows a picture of an award] Now, what do you see?

Mr. Shah: That’s a Golden Globe.

Damarco: Yeah. Yeah it is. Now tell me, why would a bad movie win seven of these?

Santagelli: I mean, I’m just wondering, you know, what do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’? Huh? [Santagelli gets aggressive and holds on Mr. Shah’s collar] What do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’?

Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I guess, ‘Moonlight’.

Santagelli: Oh, ‘Moonlight’, so good.

Damarco: Yes, Moonlight’s so important. So good. Yeah.

Santagelli: Yeah, yeah.

Mr. Shah: Did you guys see it?

Santagelli: Oh, you know, no. But I want to. I just can’t get myself to go.

Damarco: Yeah, just coz I know it’s gonna be a whole thing.

Mr. Shah: What do you mean a whole thing?

Santagelli: Hey, don’t try and turn this on us, you sick pervert.

Mr. Shah: Pervert? Listen, I liked the movie. I just didn’t love it! It’s a whole movie about jazz and there’s no black people in it.

Damarco: Oh, oh, oh. Weird. Santagelli, now I didn’t realize John Legend was white.

Santagelli: Yeah, weird, Damarco. Last time I checked, John Legend was black.

Mr. Shah: Come on, guys.

Damarco: Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, and Santagelli, I didn’t realize that the couple on the bridge was also white?

Santagelli: Oh, yeah, Damarco. I could have sworn, they were black. Yeah, he was black, she was black.

Mr. Shah: Okay, wait. I don’t remember a bridge scene. That might have been when I feel asleep.

[Santagelli walks to Mr. Shah and puts him down on the table]

Santagelli: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you what?

Mr. Shah: I fell asleep for just like a sec.

Santagelli: Tell me you saw them dancing in the sky.

Mr. Shah: What?

Santagelli: I wanna hear it. Tell me you say them dancing in the sky.

Mr. Shah: I don’t think so. Was that like a huge plot point?

Santagelli: [yelling] No! It was just lovely, and that’s okay.

Damarco: Not everything has to be plot. God!

Mr. Shah: I just liked ‘Manchester by the sea’.

Damarco: Hey! News flash, you can like them both!

[Vanessa gets in with Kenan on handcuffs]

Aidy: Excuse me officers, I have another one. Mind if I put him in here?

Damarco: Yeah. Go ahead.

[Vanessa walks out]

Kenan: Hey, what’s up, man?

Mr. Shah: You didn’t like ‘La La Land’ either?

Kenan: Na, I didn’t like ‘Westworld’. It’s too slow. I thought the finale could have been the premiere.

Damarco and Santagelli: [yelling] They had to build up to that!

[The End]

Kellyanne Conway

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with The Lead with Jake Tapper intro] [Cut to Jake Tapper in his news set]

Jake Tapper: Welcome back to The Lead. We’re speaking with Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s campaign manager turned white house counselor.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, Jake.

Jake Tapper: President Trump said his first foreign trip may be to meet with Vladimir Putin. Isn’t that troubling?

Kellyanne Conway: Actually, no, it’s not. And the thing to remember about Russia is that we won and I don’t know why you keep bringing up the election.

Jake Tapper: I’m not. I’m talking about Russia. Doesn’t Trump’s relationship with Putin concern you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Actually what does concern me is that she didn’t go to Michigan and she lost and we won and we did win.

Jake Tapper: Oh my god, why do you do this?

Kellyanne Conway: Do what, Jake?

Jake Tapper: Com on here every single day and do this. What do you get out of this?

Kellyanne Conway: I love Trump. And I believe in Trump. And the reason I joined his campaign is because I thought he was going to be the president for all people.

Jake Tapper: Really? That’s really what you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Mm, yes, that’s what I thought.

Jake Tapper: And that’s all you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Well– [music starts playing] I guess if I’m being completely honest, Jake, I just also think–

[Kellyanne Conway starts dancing and singing] [singing] The name on everybody’s lips is gonna be, “Conway”
the lady raking in the chips is gonna be Conway
I’m gonna be a celebrity
that means somebody everyone knows
they’re gonna recognize my eyes,
my hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose

Ooh, I’m gonna join sag

From just some dumb Blueberry farm I’m gonna be Conway
who says the lying’s not an art?
And when they google just okay
my name will come up before Kanye
Kellyanne Conway

[Cut back to the news set]

Jake Tapper: Now, Kellyanne, starting yesterday, you are now counselor to the president.

Kellyanne Conway: Mm-hmm. Yes, I am. I am that.

Jake Tapper: You have the president’s ear and a real opportunity to effect change in the White House.

[Kellyanne Conway looks surprised]

Kellyanne Conway: Oh my god, Jake, you’re right. Do you know what this means?

[singing] boys!

Boys: They’re gonna wait outside in line to get to see Conway
Kellyanne Conway: Think of those autographs I’ll sign, good luck to you

Boys: Conway!

Kellyanne Conway: An I’ll appear in a sleeveless dress on any show they’ll let me do

Boys: Meet the press, Anderson, Hannity, Fox & Friends

Kellyanne Conway: And if they I’ll do ‘The Chew’
Ooh, I’m a star
and the audience loves me and I love them
and they love me for loving them
and I love them for loving me
and we love each other

Hey, know what’s weird?
This time last year, I supported Ted Cruz
I said Donald Trump acted unpresidential
It’s on tape.

But hey, that’s show biz, Kel

Boys: She’s giving up her humdrum life

Kellyanne Conway: I’m gonna be Conway

Boys: She treats the news just like a play

Kellyanne Conway: And when the world goes up in flames
at least for now they knew my name
Kellyanne Conway

Five Stars

Aziz Ansari

Pedros… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Aziz waiting for his Uber driver whose rating is 3.9.]

Aziz: How does a guy not even have four stars? I wonder what my rating is.

[Aziz looks at his rating. His rating is also 3.9.]

How the [bleep] an I 3.9? Um, I guess I do make the drivers wait a lot.

[Cut to Pedros, the Uber driver]

Pedros: [looking at the Uber app] 3.9 stars? What? Is he psycho? I wonder what my rating is. [Pedros looks at his rating] 3,9? Well, I did hit that kid, so.

[Cut to Aziz walking]

Aziz: Okay, I gotta get my rating up to at least four. I’m gonna need a five star review.

[Cut to Pedros in his car]

Pedros: Five star ride. You can do this, Pedros.

[Cut to Aziz riding Pedros’s Uber]

Aziz thinking: Okay, let’s try to form a connection. Ask him something original. Thoughtful. Something no one else would ask.

Aziz: So, how long have you been driving for Uber?

Aziz thinking: Nailed it.

Pedros: Good question. I’ve been driving about six months.

Aziz: Cool!

Pedros thinking: Now you ask him a question. Something very pleasant, non-confrontational.

Pedros: What religion are you?

Pedros thinking: Dammit!

Aziz: I’m not really that religious.

Pedros: I put down some music?

Aziz: Sure.

Pedros thinking: What would he like?

[Pedros plays sitar music]

Aziz thinking: Oh, god! Is this what he thinks I like?

Pedros: Hah?

Aziz: Yeah. I love this style of music.

Pedros: [singing] Do-ti-do-ti. Or I can put on something else.

Aziz thinking: Alright, think. What would he like to hear?

Aziz: What about some Russian trance music?

[Pedros plays a trance music]

Aziz thinking: Am I a racist for thinking this is a music he likes?

Pedros thinking: I do like Russian trance music. You can do this, Pedros. Five star ride. Use the mints.

Pedros: You want mint?

Aziz: Um, sure.

[Pedros is looking for the mint at the compartment but takes a lot of time to find one.]

Pedros: And mint! [passing a pack of mint to Aziz]

Aziz: Oh, great!

Aziz thinking: [looking at the mint’s company] Mouth help? Are these off-brand Russian mints? Just take the mint.

[when Aziz opens the pack of mint, it’s all disgusting inside]

Aziz: It’s moist.

[Aziz puts one on mouth anyway] [pointing outside] Oh, man! Is that Cuba Gooding Jr.?

Pedros: What? No way!

[as Pedros looks away, Aziz spits the mint out]

Aziz: It’s a really good mint. Thanks man.

Aziz thinking: He totally saw that. He’s freaking out. Think! You need to get this five star rating.

[as Pedros is driving, Aziz starts massaging Pedros’s back]

Aziz: How’s that? Little shoulder massage. You look little tensed.

Pedros: No, it’s okay. That’s nice. Ah, man! Oh!

Pedros thinking: You also should touch him.

[Pedros pulls up Aziz’s leg]

Pedros: Here we go. Is it okay?

Aziz: Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Pedros: And oopsie-bootsie. [Pedros pulls the shoe out of Aziz’s feet] [Aziz is massaging Pedros’s back and Pedros is massaging Aziz’s fet]

Aziz: It’s nice.

Pedros: It’s good. Yeah, it’s all about pressure points.

[horn honking]

What the [bleep]. Get out of the way!

Aziz: Wow!

Pedros: [sigh] What are we even doing? This all horse and pony show to impress each other.

Aziz: It is these ratings. It’s driving me crazy.

Pedros: It’s like this episode of black mirror or something.

Aziz: Oh, man. You watch black mirror too?

Pedros: Yeah.

Aziz and Pedros: That’s like my favorite show.

Aziz: The best episode was …

Aziz and Pedros: Sangino Paro.

Aziz: What?

Pedros: It’s about to go! Ha-ha-ha.

Aziz: Um, well this is me.

Pedros: Yeah.

[Pedros pulls over]

Hey, five stars.

Aziz: Right back at you, brother. Have a good one, Pedros.

Pedros: Adios, cowboy.

[Pedros drives forward and runs over Aziz. He then runs away.]

Bedroom

Aziz Ansari

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Aziz and Melissa getting in bed]

Aziz: Hey, baby. You’re looking good.

Melissa: What? Oh, yeah. It’s Sunday night. That’s when we have sex.

Aziz: Well, you know, don’t say it like that like it’s a hair appointment or something.

Melissa: No, I’m pumped for it. I promise. Let’s start.

[Melissa tries to cuddle]

Aziz: Well, hold on, hold on. Now, I was thinking maybe we could do something fun tonight. Try and spice things up a bit. What do you think about a little dirty talk?

Melissa: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.

Aziz: What’s up, you dirty girl?

Melissa: Yeah. What’s up you freaking alcoholic?

Aziz: Okay. Well, you know, babe, let’s not bring up my old demons, you know? I’m a little sensitive about that. How about this? Just be like, a little mean to me.

Melissa: Okay. What’s up, bitch? I make more money than you.

Aziz: Okay. Well, that’s kind of another sore spot for me. You know? Let’s keep it simple. How about you just call me daddy?

Melissa: Okay.

[Aziz and Melissa starts cuddling]

Aziz: Um, you like that?

Melissa: OH, yeah, dad. Do me, dad.

Aziz: Okay. One second. Maybe don’t say ‘dad’. Coz dad, it just sounds like you’re talking about your real dad. Like, your biological dad. Maybe we need a little structure. A little role playing.

Melissa: Umm.

Aziz: Here, I’ll lead us off. [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] Well, hello, young lady. Are you here after class for some extra tutoring?

Melissa: Oh, yeah, I am. Because I have a learning disability. When I read, the words all fall out of order.

Aziz: Okay baby, you know, the thing is that’s just kind of sad. How about, um… [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] you know, why you’re here in the principal’s office?

Melissa: Coz I brought a gun to school.

Aziz: Okay. You don’t have a gun, babe. I think– [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] I think you’re here because you have been dressing like a slut. Now give me one reason I shouldn’t kick you out of school.

Melissa: Because I want to do you.

Aziz: Oh, you are bad.

Melissa: Yeah. I’m the baddest girl on 6th grade.

Aziz: No, no, no, no, no. You can’t be in the 6th grade because– general rule, alright? Dirty talk, you’re 18, alright? Keep it legal.

Melissa: Oh, okay. But I read at 6th grade because of my learning disability.

Aziz: No, let’s move on from that, okay? Let’s keep it simple and fun, alright? Let’s start with a voice, okay? [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] Hi. [Australian accent] I’m Liam. I’m a surfer from Australia. You wanna see my didgeridoo?

Melissa: [making voice] Oh, yeah. Show it to me, wow.

Aziz: Oh yeah? What’s your name?

Melissa: Owen Wilson, baby. [She actually looks like Owen Wilson when she talks like that]

Aziz: Not Owen Wilson. You’re not– I’m not– You’re not Owen Wilson. I mean, no disrespect. I mean ‘Shanghai Nights’ all day. But you gotta do a lady’s voice.

Melissa: Am, Wanda Sykes? [speaking like Wanda Sykes] You wanna get nasty with Wands Sykes, baby? Yeah.

Aziz: Isn’t she a lesbian?

Melissa: Oh, yeah.

Aziz: It’s kind of hot!

Melissa: [speaking like Wanda Sykes] Oh yeah!

[Aziz and Melissa get under the blanket]