Celebrity Family Feud- Super Bowl Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Samuel L. Jackson… Leslie Jones

Paula Deen… Aidy Bryant

Roger Goodell… Beck Bennett

Gisele Bundchen… Kristen Stewart

Bill Belichick… Bobby Moynihan

Casey Affleck… Alex Moffat

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “Family Feud: Super Bowl edition.” Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay, ow, welcome to “Celebrity Family Feud.” Now, in honor of my meeting with Donald Trump, I’m wearing a Trump tie. Trump tie ties so long they put a little tickle in your pickle. Now, this is the Super Bowl edition so we bot celebrity New England Patriot fans taking on celebrity Atlanta Falcons fans. And on the Atlanta side, first up is Falcons fans and little musical rascal, Justin Bieber.

[Cut to Justin Bieber]

Justin Bieber: Um, yeah. What’s up Steve. I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m not bad no more. Um, but I can still do this. [starts jumping around] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, okay. Next we got the official voice of the Falcons, Samuel L. Jackson

[Cut to Samuel L. Jackson]

Samuel L. Jackson: It’s about time we got these mother flipping Falcons in the mother flipping Super Bowl

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Umm, I don’t know, there’s something different about you, Samuel L. Jackson. Okay, next, we got the most famous Chef in Georgia and America’s leading cause of diabetes, Paula Deen.

[Cut to Paula Deen]

Paula Deen: Yeah, I love the Super Bowl. While the boys are throwing around the old pig skin, I’m going to cook a pig skin and serve it with a side of cheesy Fajiddles.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Alright. Finally on the Falcon side, the man who suspended Tom Brady for deflate-gate, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Hello, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Now wait, you really a Falcons fan?

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Absolutely. Love the Falcons. Doesn’t have anything to do with not wanting to give the Super Bowl trophy to Tom Brady.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, man! You’re going to be watching the game with the same face Obama had while watching this year’s election. Just like, [making serious face]. Alright, over on the Patriots side, first up we got Brazilian supermodel and Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen.

[Cut to Gisele Bundchen]

Gisele Bundchen: I love the American Super Bowl where millions of people come together to watch TV and teat this garbage.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You know, your name sounds like what my underwear be doing sometimes. Gisele Bundchen. Next up, we got a successful millionaire who dresses like a seventh grade boy. The Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: Good evening, Steve. We’re having fun here, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bill, cheer up, man! You’ve won six super bowls and I have never seen you laugh. Give me a laugh, Bill, come on.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: [trying to laugh] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I’m sorry I asked. Alright, next, we got an actor from Massachusetts and a Oscar favorite, Casey Affleck.

[Cut to Casey Affleck]

Casey Affleck: Um, how are you doing, Steve? I, uh, I’m doing good. I guess excited for the Super Bowl. Um, go Pats and all, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god, you like the first half of commercial for anti-depressants. And finally, this year’s Super Bowl halftime performer, Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you, Steve. [singing] I got a million reasons my halftime show will rock

They said I can’t be political. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna. [winks] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Seeing you before the football fans is going to be like Toby Keith hosting the Tonys. Let’s play a game. Give me Gisele, give me Justin, let’s get on up here.

[Justin Bieber and Gisele Bundchen walk to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Justin Bieber: [to Gisele Bundchen] Hey girl. Um, how you doing? Hmm? [trying to do a cool pose]

Steve Harvey: Justin, I got some bad news for you, player. that don’t work on women that’s grown. Alright, top six answers are on the board. The Super Bowl is Sunday. Name one thing that you take to a party. [buzzer] Gisele.

Gisele Bundchen: Cachaca and caipariniahs.

Steve Harvey: Now what you say about Sasha and Malia?

Gisele Bundchen: No. No, I said cachaca and capriniah. They’re drinks. Two of them?

Steve Harvey: You know, I don’t know what you’re saying but you look good saying it. Show me, goulashes and capers!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, I’m sorry, they’re not up here. Um, Justin, what you bring to a party?

Justin Bieber: Um, Steve, I don’t party as much because I’m a man now. I got like five little moustache hairs and I’m bringing them all for you, girl. But when I do party, I’ma bring my signature cocktail.

Steve Harvey: Oh, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Show me juice box!

[There is ‘beverages’ in answer board]

Ay! Number six answer. Okay, alright, the Falcon fans have the board. [Steve Harvey walks to team Falcon] Alright, Samuel L. Jackson, something that you bring to a party.

Samuel L. Jackson: Why do I got to bring something? You invited me. That’s a stupid ass question and I hope you burn in hell!

Steve Harvey: Um, look here. I don’t know who brought you up in here. But I”m watching you. Yeah, okay, Paula Deen, give me something that you bring to a party.

Paula Deen: Well, yeah, a party’s gotta have food so I’ma bring my famous seven-layer cheese dip. It’s cheese, then beans, then cheese, then farts, then beans and cheese.

Steve Harvey: Man, you like if Michelle Obama had an opposite person. Show me, bring some extra febreze!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Sorry, two strikes. On to Roger Goodell, something that you bring to a party.

Roger Goodell: Oh, I love to party. Just you and a dozen lawyers in a luxury box just getting turnt. Turnt up.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, that’s a great answer. ON behalf of all the players in the NFL, this is dedicated to you. [wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, alright, Patriots fans got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to team Patriots] Something that you take to a party, give me some answers.

Lady Gaga: Dwarves.

Bill Belichick: Hoodies, maybe?

Steve Harvey: Great answers there but Gisele, it is up to you. What do you take to a party?

Gisele Bundchen: Steve, a party is being together. I’ll say the beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me some nonesense!

[right answer bell. The answer board has “The beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity” as number one answer.]

Ay! Man! That was the number one answer! My lord. How did that happen?

[Cut to Bill Belichick smiling and using a computer.]Wait! Bill Belichick, did you hack the board?

[Bill Belichick laughing weirdly]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sneaky old fool. Let’s go to commercial. When we come back, I’ll tell you the name of the tiny little elf that hides in my moustache. We’ll see you later.

Dry Fridays

Hunter… Mikey Day

Dana… Cecily Strong

Jenna… Aidy Bryant

Kenny… Pete Davidson

Courtney… Kristen Stewart

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Hunter talking to the students]

Hunter: Alright, what’s up everyone. Snake a seat if you can. I’m Hunter, class of ‘19 and welcome to UCONN Dry Fridays. Now, I know you’re all here coz you were caught drinking in the dorms but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Dana’s got some ‘za for us.

Dana: And cheesy bread. What, what?

Hunter: Noice! So, if it’s your first time at Dry Fridays, go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us why you’re here.

Jenna: Okay, I can go. I’m Jenna and I got caught drinking a beer in my suite. And it just sucked because it was the night before my 21st birthday.

Hunter: Yeah, zero tolerance policy on campus. What’s up, man?

Kenny: Oh, hey. I’m Kenny and I was pouring vodka into a water bottle in the bathroom when my R.A. walked in.

Hunter: Ooh! Busted! Um, hi there.

Courtney: Hey. I’m Courtney. Classic college story, you know? I Drank 40 beers, got naked, grabbed a chainsaw and went behind north quad and cut down 35 pine trees. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, but of course this time I get caught, right?

Hunter: Yeah, I mean, I don’t know about that. But that’s a good segue. Coz everyone’s done or knows someone who’s done something stupid while drunk. Right Dana?

Dana: Ah! Thanks, Hunt! Alright, freshman year, I had a few too many and mooned a cop.

Kyle: Oh! My friend R.J. fell and knocked out three of his bottom teeth.

Courtney: Oh, man! Last weekend, I did a 10 minutes solo keg stand and got so faded. Wake up the next morning, I’m like, “When did I get a no-hawk?”

Kenny: What’s a no-hawk?

Courtney: It’s like opposite mohawk.

[Courtney opens her beanie, she has her middle part of her head shaved]

Hunter: Um, okay. Yeah, see, sometimes it’s just not worth it, right?

Kenny: Dude, totally. Anyone ever get wasted and text an ex?

Everyone: Yes!

Jenna: Or ever ordered food and then pass out before it’s delivered?

Dana: Yeah, that was my move freshman year, right?

Courtney: Yeah, but did you ever black out and when you wake up you have a dog-tracking chip in your neck and you’re like, “What is that?”

Kenny: No.

Hunter: Yeah, I mean everyone’s got a story. Courtney, you go ahead and pop that beanie back on if you want. I’ll be straight with you guys. My freshman year, Dana knows about this, I passed out in the hall outside my dorm room.

Kyle: Hey, I can beat that. Spring weekend, I passed out in the Taco Bell bathroom.

Courtney:  [laughing] Oh, I can’t top that, but this one I passed out on Mr. Shinto’s island and totally missed the submarine back to the mainland. Mr. Shinto was so mad at me. Yeah.

[All the students are confused looking at Courtney]

Hunter: Alright, yeah. Not really sure who Mr. Shinto is or what that story was about, but alright.

Dana: Yeah, and like if you’re cold, feel free to go ahead and pop that beanie back on. The point is guys, drinking can lead to bad choices. Like, when I was drunk and got a tramp stamp.

Hunter: It’s a mermaid, by the way.

Dana: Thanks hunt!

Courtney: I got you beat though. You know, those indigenous tribes that put, like discs on their lips like this? I got that, but I got it here. [starts opening her pants] You guys should see this.

Hunter: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, Courtney. We’ll take your word for it. Okay? And we’ve all seen the haircut by now, so feel free to pop that beanig back on.

Dana: Guys, we’re not here to lecture you or tell you not to have a good time. But the fact is heavy drinking does some real nasty stuff to your body.

Kenny: Yeah, like, if I go hard one weekend, I get like heartburn for a week and I’m just like tired of that.

Courtney: Yeah, I’m like, legit worried about my body too. Like a month ago, I got blitzed by myself and I guess I ate eggs or something. The next morning, sorry if this is kind of nasty, I go to the bathroom and egg just comes out and it’s still in it’s shell. And I’m like, “My body is so jacked, I can’t digest an egg?” That’s crazy.

Hunter: Right. I mean, I don’t know if alcohol does that. But maybe you didn’t necessarily eat the egg? If that makes sense? Maybe you–

Courtney: Oh my god, that does make so much more sense coz I hate eggs. I would never eat one.

Kenny: But you would put one–

Hunter: Okay, hey, we don’t need to say it. Um, it’s probably a good time, Dana, to get our za?

Dana: What? Oh, I’m sorry, I’m still thinking about that egg. Like, how did it nor crack?

Jenna: And I want to hear so much more about Mr. Shinto.

Kenny: Yeah, do you have a picture of that disc thing?

Hunter: Yeah, I’m sure we all want Courtney to answer some questions and maybe put that beanie back on. But, let’s wait till after the meeting.

Courtney: Yeah, I mean, after party, my place, I got keg shots, whatever. My roommate is really cool but all of his wives are so annoying. It’s crazy.

Jenna: What is your life?

[The End]

Golden Ticket

Charlie… Kristen Stewart

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Turner Classic Movies. We now return to 1971’s, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

[Cut to an old cottage house. Inside the bedroom, there are two old men and two old women in one bed. Charlie runs in.]

Charlie: Look, everybody! I got it! The 5th golden ticket. It’s mine.

Kate: Oh, you’re pulling our legs, Charlie. There aren’t any more golden tickets.

Charlie: Grandma, the 5th one was fake. It said so in the papers. I found money in the street and I bought a chocolate bar and the ticket was in it.

Pete: Charlie!

Charlie: Grandpa, look for yourself. [hands the ticket to Pete]

Pete: [reading] Greetings to you, finder of this golden ticket, from Mr. Willy Wonka. Present this ticket at the factory gates at 10 o’clock in the morning. You may bring oner person, but no one else. Charlie, you’ve done it! [Pete comes out of the bed and stands] Look at me! Up and about! I haven’t done this in 20 years.

[singing] I never thought that I could be
anything but catastrophy
but suddenly I begin to see
a bit of good luck for me

Charlie: Wait, what? You can stand? Are you serious right now?

Pete: Yes, Charlie. I’m standing.

Charlie: Grandpa, you’ve been able to stand this entire time and you just didn’t?

Pete: Yes.

Charlie: But I thought you had terrible polio.

Pete: Oh, god no! I’m old, not sick, Charlie. Now let me finish my song.

[singing] I never thought that I could be

Charlie: I never thought you could walk, grandpa. I dropped out of school. I had to get a job. I work for a bookie.

Pete: And you’re doing great, Charlie.

Charlie: I schedule dog fights. And last week I got stabbed by a man named Dennis, it was so much fun.

Pete: Look, Charlie, you found the golden ticket, now please, let me do my number.

[singing] I never thought

Charlie: No, no. You never stood up, then I get a ticket with a plus one, and suddenly you’re dancing around like Ginger Rogers on Uppers. No.

[Mikey gets out of bed too]

Mikey: Oh, Charlie, be easy on your grandfather.

Charlie: You can stand too? Hell no, I sponge-bathed you. I washed your balls!

Mikey: I didn’t ask you to. I also thought that was strange. Calm down, Charlie.

Charlie: You calm down. I’m out on the streets while your lazy asses are in bed all day scissoring? I’m not down with that.

Pete: Come on, Charlie. Cheer up. Let’s get ready for the factory!

Charlie: What part of “You ain’t going” don’t you get, dog?

Kate: Maybe sounds like you’ve had a bit too much chocolate, Charlie.

Charlie: I’ve had none, we’re poor. You know what? Screw all of you.

Vanessa: I actually do have polio.

Charlie: Please, Grandma. I’m sorry. I got to go. [Charlie storms out]

Pete: Alright. Well, race to the movies?

Kate: Whoo! [Kate gets out of the bed too]

Pete: [singing] a bit of good luck for me

[Pete runs out with Kate and Mikey]

Vanessa: I really do have polio.

Kristen Stewart Monologue

Kristen Stewart

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Stewart.

[Kristen Stewart walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kristen Stewart: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is really great to be hosting Saturday Night Live, I gotta tell ya’. I’m here to promote my movie ‘Twilight’ which this week has been on iTunes for eight years. Check it out. I’m a little nervous to be hosting because I know president’s probably watching. I don’t think he likes me that much. Here’s how I know. Four years ago, I was dating this guy named Rob. Robert. And we broke up and then we got back together and for some reason it made Donald Trump go insane. Here’s what he actually tweeted and this is real.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. she cheated on him like a dog & will do it again– just watch. He can do much better!”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Now, I know what you’re thinking, right? “That’s so crazy, the president tweeted about you once.” No, no! The president tweeted about me 11 times. He also said,

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Everyone knows I’m right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: I know! And then one day later, he tweeted,

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Everyone is asking me to speak more on Robert & Kristen. I don’t have time except to say ‘Robert, drop her, she cheated on you & will again!'”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Okay, to be fair, I don’t think Donald Trump hated me. I think he’s in love with my boyfriend. Because he also tweeted this,

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]

“Miss Universe 2012 Pageant will be airing live on @abc & @Telemundo December 19th. Open invite stands for Robert Pattionson.”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: So, yeah. That’s crazy, right? The president is not a huge fan of me. But that is so okay, and Donald, if you didn’t like me then, you’re really probably not gonna like me now. Coz I’m hosting SNL and I’m like, so gay dude. But I have to say it’s really, really awesome to be here. I’m sure maybe some of you are surprised that I’m hosting because you think I’m too cool for school or something.

[Kate McKinnon walks in smoking a cigarette]

Kate McKinnon: Whoo! Hell, yeah, Kristen. I’m too cool for school too, I don’t even care about this show. Pfft!

Kristen Stewart: Really? You don’t care about it?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. Yeah. I don’t even want to be on it, right? I just want to be like you, right? Sleep all day, party all night.

Kristen Stewart: Yeah, that’s cool. [Kate McKinnon is chocking on cigarette smoke] That sounds cool. I don’t really do that though. I mean, I worked on five movies last year. One of them’s called ‘Personal Shopper,’ you should check it out. And I just directed a short film that premiered at Sundance, which was fun.

Kate McKinnon: Hah! They did Sundance this year?

Kristen Stewart: Yeah. Dude, they do it every year. It’s a thing.

Kate McKinnon: Hah! Okay, that’s weird because I sent them a bunch of little movies, they said they weren’t doing it this year. Okay.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant getting in on a Harley Davidson, wearing all rock star outfit]

Aidy Bryant: Hey, ha-ha-ha, Kristen. You see my hog? It’s pretty cool, I guess, but who freaking cares?

Kristen Stewart: No, I see that. That’s awesome. What kind of motorcycle is that? It’s cool.

Aidy Bryant: Um, it’s a big black one. Who even cares, right? All I care about is sex. Yeah, I’m never not doing it. Ha-ha-ha. I have sex every single day.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, yeah. Sure. Errday.

Kristen Stewart: Um, I think that’s really healthy. That’s a good choice. You guys don’t have to do this though. Just to make me think you’re cool coz I think you guys are awesome. It’s a done deal.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, thank god.

Aidy Bryant: Thank you. Coz, I have sex once a week on Sundays right before dinner. That’s it.

Kristen Stewart: Actually, that is more healthy. Now, it’s a really good choice. Okay, so, we’ve got a great show and I totally care that I’m here, coz it’s the coolest fucking thing– [stops herself and covers her mouth] Oh! Oh my god. And I’m sorry and Alessia Cara is here and I’ll never come back. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Meet Cute

Clair… Kristen Stewart

Steve… Pete Davidson

Coffee maker… Mikey Day

Hair Dresser… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a coffee pouring out of coffee machine]

Male voice: Soy coffee with latte milk.

[two people try to get the cup]

Clair: Oops, sorry.

Steve: Oh, that’s okay. That’s crazy. Nobody ever gets my order.

Clair: Order up! [Clair picks up the cup and gives it to Steve]

Steve: We’re gonna need a bigger cup! [Clair and Steve laughing] Oh! I’m Steve.

Clair: I’m Clair. Hi, Steve.

Steve: Um, I never do this but… I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get dinner sometime?

Clair: Um, yeah. Yeah, I would. I would love that.

Steve: Oh, great.

Clair: Okay, well, I’ll see you tonight?

Steve: Yeah. I can’t wait.

Clair: Bye, Steve.

Steve: Bye, Clair.

Male voice: Another soy coffee with latte milk.

[Steve gets the cup, then suddenly turns around. Clair is getting in the car.]

Steve: But wait! Where are we going? And what time? And what’s your last name? And what’s your phone number? What’s everything? Clair!

[Cut to Clair in her car]

Clair: [talking on phone] Mom, this is a little nuts, but I think I just met someone.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: That girl that was just here. Do you know her last name?

Coffee maker: No, dude. Sorry.

Steve: Maybe there’s like, the last name on a receipt that you could check?

Coffee maker: Dude, I’m not just gonna like, show you someone’s receipt.

Steve: Have you ever been in a situation where you meet your soulmate, you just need to help a friend?

Coffee maker: No.

[Cut to Clair walking in the street looking very happy] [Cut to Steve searching for Clair in Facebook]

Steve: 3 million results?

[Cut to Clair in a hair salon]

Hair dresser: I have never seen you this happy. You are gonna look amazing. You’re gonna go out there and be like, “Say what?” And he’s gonna be like, “Get on it!”

[Cut to Steve calling everyone named Clair out of phonebook]

Steve: Have you seen somebody named Clair? Hi, is this Clair? That’s like a sunshine in her eyes. Clair? Well, you’re crazy!

[Cut to Clair showing her outfit to her friends.] [First dress]

Friends: Argh!

[Second dress]

Friends: No!

[Third dress]

Friends: [happily screaming] Ahhh! Yay!

[Cut to Steve walking around asking people about Clair]

Steve: She’s like this tall and she doesn’t tell you like, important stuff. Clair?

[Cut to Clair taking a seat at a restaurant]

Clair: [to waiter] He’ll be here soon.

[Cut to Steve asking the coffee maker]

Steve: So, she could be at the wine bar on the second avenue, the wine bar on third avenue, any of the subway stations–

Coffee Maker: Dude, it’s Manhattan with two Ts, not two Ds.

Steve: It’s not Manhaddan?

Coffee Maker: No, dude.

[Cut to Clair waiting for Steve alone] [Cut to Steve shouting Clair’s name in the streets]

Steve: Clair! Clair! Clair!

[Cut to Clair. The waiter brings in the check.]

Clair: Thanks. This was– This was fun.

[Cut to Steve shouting Clair’s name in the streets]

Steve: Clair! Clair! Clair!

[Cut to Clair back in her house] [Cut to Steve yelling Clair’s name for the last time on his knees.]

Steve: Clair!

[Cut to Clair sitting in her house. She hears Steve shouting her name. She opens the window and looks down at the street.]

Clair: Steve!

Steve: Clair? Oh my god, I’ve been looking for you all night!

Clair: Oh, really? Well, you found me. I don’t normally do this but you want to come up?

Steve: Of course. I would love that.

Clair: I’ll see you in a sec, then.

Steve: See you up there.

[Clair gets in and closes the window]

Clair! I don’t know what apartment you’re in! Clair!

Oval Office Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

David… Kyle Mooney

Steve Bannon

Malcolm Turnbull… Beck Bennett

Enrique Peña Nieto… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Mate McKinnon

Emmerson Mnangagwa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Donald Trump in the oval office] [cheers and applause] [David walks in]

David: Excuse me, Mr. President, I’m heading home for the night. Can I get you anything?

Donald Trump: No, thank you, David. But hey, how do you like working at the White House? Are your parents proud?

David: I tell them I work at Applebee’s.

Donald Trump: That’s great. One more thing, you know I love my daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared. They always keep me so calm and make sure I don’t do anything too crazy.

David: That’s true, sir.

Donald Trump: So, quick question, are they gone?

David: Yes, they don’t work on shabbat.

Donald Trump: Perfect. When the Jews are away, the goys will play. So send in Steve Bannon.

[David walks out] [creepy music playing and a grim reaper walks in. He is Steve Bannon.]

Steve Bannon: Hello, Donald. I have arrived.

Donald Trump: Hi Steve, you look rested.

Steve Bannon: Thank you.

Donald Trump: Not me. I’ve had a long day. I’m tired and cranky. And I feel like I could just freak out on somebody.

Steve Bannon: Then maybe you should call Australia.

Donald Trump: Really? I mean, I haven’t been briefed or anything. But, what could go wrong? Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Malcolm Turnbull]

Malcolm Turnbull: Hello, primi Minister Turnbull.

Donald Trump: Yes, hello. It’s the Donald.

Malcolm Turnbull: President Trump. How are you? I hear there’s been a lot of blowback over your Muslim ban.

Donald Trump: No there wasn’t. Everyone loves it. We had to do it because of that huge massacre at bowling green.

Malcolm Turnbull: Never heard of that one.

Donald Trump: Yeah, it was horrible. So many people died, but actually, they’re the lucky ones. They don’t have to see how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten.

Malcolm Turnbull: Well, Mr. Trump, thank you for still accepting our refugees.

Donald Trump: Homie say what?

Malcolm Turnbull: President Obama said America would accept 1,200 refugees. Your country’s compassion will not be forgotten.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. NO, refugees. America first, Australia sucks, your reef is failing, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Malcolm Turnbull: Wait, wait, what?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Steve, I think that went bad. Was that bad?

Steve Bannon: No, it went just according to plan.

Donald Trump: Whose plan? Your plan?

Steve Bannon: No, your plan.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Good. Let’s call Mexico. I figured out a smart diplomatic way to get them to pay for this wall.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call] [Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ola, President Peña Nieto.

Donald Trump: Guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: No, guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: NO, no, you have to say “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ha-ha-ha. You said “What”, you’re going to pay for the wall.

Donald Trump: No way, you’re paying, loser! You’re bad hombre. Here come our tanks. Prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Hey, Steve, I’m getting too worked up, maybe I should stop.

Steve Bannon: Or, maybe you should call Germany.

Donald Trump: Okay.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Hello? Is this my sweet Barack? Barack Obama, I miss you.

Donald Trump: No, it’s Donald Trump.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Gross. Hi, Donald. Are your people still protesting?

Donald Trump: Yes, everyone is marching in the street, they’re so upset about how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten. But I’m feeling great. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with very important up and comer. His name is Frederick Douglas.  I’m trying to get hold of him right now. He’s very busy though.

Angela Merkel: Um-hmm. Well, that’s very cool, Donald. I think I should– I have to go.

Donald Trump: Also, I want to be serious for just a moment. Last week, it was holocaust remembrance day. As you know, 6 million were at my inauguration. I mean, there were so many people at my inauguration, the media refuses to cover it, so unfair. One day I’m going to write a memoir about this struggle and call it ‘My Struggle.’ What would that be in German? Angela?

Angela Merkel: It’s actually Angela (An-Gel-la).

Donald Trump: what?

Angela Merkel: My name is Angela.

Donald Trump: No, no, don’t correct me. I’m in charge now, Germany sucks, your wall failed, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone.] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Good. That was hilarious.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Oh, I just had a great idea, watch this.

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello?

Donald Trump: Hello, congratulations, you’ve won a free cruise for tour to Hawaii. All you need is your country’s credit card number.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: We’re not paying for the wall, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes, you are!

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve, all of our so-called allies are being so mean to me.

Steve Bannon: Why don’t you call some random little country, show them who’s the boss?

Donald Trump: What about Zimbabwe?

Steve Bannon: Perfect! Show them the might of America!

[Donald Trump is making a phone call] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Emmerson Mnangagwa]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello.

Donald Trump: Zimbabwe, this is new sheriff in town.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Wait, is this Donald Trump?

Donald Trump: Yes.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: You think you are dictator? I will rip out your spine and drink from your skull. You cannot even walk downstairs you little white bitch! Don’t you ever call Zimbabwe again.

[Emmerson Mnangagwa hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Okay, Donald. That’s enough fun for tonight. Can I have my desk back?

Donald Trump: Yes, of course, Mr. President. I’ll go sit at my desk, yeah.

[Donald Trump leaves the president’s seat for Steve Bannon] [Donald Trump sits at a little desk that’s beside president’s desk] [Donald Trump is playing with toys]

So much fun, I love it.

Steve Bannon: Yeah, this is fun. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Sean Spicer Press Conference (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Flush… Bobby Moynihan

Kristen Stewart

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Betsy DeVos… Kate McKinnon

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with C-SPAN show schedule]

Male voice: Next on C-SPAN, the daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to the White House podium. Sean Spicer walks in.] [cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Good afternoon. [yelling] Settle down! Settle down! Settle down! Before we begin, I know that myself and the press have gotten off to a rocky start. [cheers and applause] Alright! Alright! alright! alright! In a sense, when I say rocky start, I mean it in the sense of ‘Rocky’ the movie because I came out here to punch you in the face. And also, I don’t talk so good. So, I’d like to begin today by apologizing on behalf of you, to me for how you have treated me in the last two weeks. And that apology is not accepted. Coz I’m not here to be your buddy. I’m here to swallow gum, and I’m here to take names.

[Sean Spicer takes a pack of gums out and pours it all in his mouth and starts chewing] [speaking with gums in his mouth] Okay, now let me wave something shiny in front of you monkeys. [Sean Spicer pulls the gum out of his mouth and sticks it on the podium] I’ll get back to you. As you know, President Trump announced his supreme court pick on the national TV today. When he entered the room, the crows greeted him with a standing ovation which lasted a full 15 minutes. And you can check the tape on that. Everyone was smiling. Everyone was happy. The men all had erections and every single one of women was ovulating left and right. And no one, no one was sad. Those are the facts forever and there’s something else. We got something X, three, four, capital T, capital P, eight, four. Hang on, wait a minute, that’s my email password. Forget that. Nobody write that. Stop writing that down!

Now, president’s schedule for today, at 3:45 the president will host an encore screening of ‘Finding Dory’. Okay? The story of a forgetful fish, okay? Everybody likes that. Then at 6 PM he’s going to abolish the national park system. But ‘Dory’, good stuff. So, if nobody has any questions.. [Sean Spicer prepares to leave] [Cut to the media raising their hands for questions] [Cut to Sean Spicer]

Okay, we’ll do a couple of questions. Go, Glen Flush, New York Times. Boo, go ahead.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Yeah, I wanted to ask about the travel ban on Muslims?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban.

Glen Flush: I’m sorry?

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban. The travel ban is not a ban which makes it not a ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: But you just called it a ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Because I’m using your words. You said ban. You said ban, now I’m saying ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: The president tweeted and I quote, “If the ban were announced with a one-week notice–”

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [interrupting] Yeah, exactly. You just said that. He’s quoting you. It’s your words. He’s using your words when you used the words and he uses them back, it’s circular using of the word and that’s from you. Seriously, Glen, are you going to start with me right out of the gate? I mean, what do you want? Me to take my nuts out so you can get a better kick at them?

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Okay. You had to have known that I would ask that question.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Okay, sit down, Glen. Who here– just by show of hands, who hates Glen? Right? [no one is raising hand] Everybody? One, to, three, infinity. Now, let the record that everyone raised their hands and everyone hates Glen. So print that. That’s your story. Next question, go.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Yeah, I would like to ask about Steve Bannon’s role on the national security council.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, that’s a dumb question. that’s a stupid question. Sit down, Glen.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: My name is not Glen.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: I know your names. I’m just saying “Glen” like in a general Glen. It’s your word. It’s your word. Next, go.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, I’m also concerned about Steve Bannon. A lot of people are saying he’s the one behind the Muslim ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, alright, you guys still aren’t getting it. You need some props? My word’s too big, I got to show you in pictures? [Sean Spicer walks aside. There are two boxes.] Great. Here we go. When it comes to these decisions, the constitution [pulling out a huge paper out of one box] gives our president [pulling out Donald Trump’s picture] lots of power [pulling out an electric plug]. And Steve Bannon is the key [pulling out a huge key] advisor [pulling out a visor cap]. And our president will not [showing a rope knot] be deterred [pulling out fake poop]. In his fight against radical Muslims [pulling out a toy Moose and Lamb (moose-lamb)]. Now, does anybody else have any questions?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yeah. Wall Street Journal. Are you okay?

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Vanessa with it]

Sean Spicer: Take it! You take it! You cannot come at me like that. I will put you in the corner with CNN!

[Cut to Kyle inside bars wearing CNN ID card and diapers]

Kyle: [yelling] We’re not fake news!

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: You like that? You like that, dork? You like that, dork?

[Sean Spicer puts the podium back]

Everybody just cool out, alright? Obviously I’ve been getting a lot of questions about Betsy DeVos, okay? Our nominee for secretary of education. So we actually have her here today to field some few simple question, which I’m sure she’s capable of doing. Betsy!

[Betsy DeVos walks in] [cheers and applause]

Betsy DeVos: Hello. Thank you, yeah. Yes. The man?

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Hi. I don’t think we ever got a clear answer on this. How do you value growth versus proficiency in measuring progress in students?

[Cut to Betsy DeVos]

Betsy DeVos: Okay, well, yes, I don’t know anything about school. But I do think there should be a school. Probably Jesus school. and I do think it should have walls and roof and gun for potential grizzly.

[Sean Spicer walks in and pushes Betsy DeVos out]

Sean Spicer: Thank you. that’s enough for now. Thank you. Um, I’ll accept one last question. I’ll take this loser.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: I’ve got a question about the statement in White House released on Holocaust Remembrance Day. Do you think it was anti-semitic to not even mention the Jewish people in this statement? [Mikey is being water sprayed] What are you dong?

[Cut to Sean Spicer spraying water on Mikey using a water gun toy]

Sean Spicer: This is soapy water and I’m washing that filthy lying mouth out! First of all, how could the statement, a statement be anti-semitic? The guy who write it was super Jewy. Okay? And the fact is a lot of different people suffered in the holocaust, it wasn’t just Jews. It was also the Gypsies, the lesbies, and these other guys. That’s your word. Your word. That’s enough for today. Spicy’s got to go, bye-bye right now. Need a big-boy nap. Wake up up exactly one minute before tomorrow’s press conference. [pointing at the camera] And Live From New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, that already happened.

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Mikey with it] [cheers and applause] [The End]

Totino’s with Kristen Stewart

Vanessa Bayer

Sabine… Kristen Stewart

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a group os guys watching football]

Beck: Come on, yes!

Kyle: Go, go, go, go.

All: Touchdown!

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Is everyone enjoying the big game?

Beck: Oh, come on babe, don’t act like you know sports.

[Cut to Wife in the kitchen]

Wife: [smiling] My husband’s right. When it comes to the big game, there’s only one thing I know about, feeding my hungry guys.

All: No, no! Fumble!

Wife: And this year’s game is bigger than ever. Which means I’ll be feeding them more Totinos than ever.

Beck: Babe, we need more Totinos, Dave just got here.

Wife: Not a problem, because this year I’ve got the new Totino’s Totino two-pack. It’s twice the Totino for twice the hungry guys.

Beck: Enough yapping, we need the Totinos. Ted’s here too, and he brought his sister.

Wife: Great, more hands to help me make delicious Totinos pi–

[Wife looks at Sabine and gets mesmerized.] [music playing]

Pizza rolls. Oh, my!

[Sabine walks to Wife]

Sabine: Hi. I’m Sabine. what’s your name?

Wife: I never had one.

Sabine: That’s a shame.

[Wife turns around and starts putting the Totino rolls on tray. Sabine starts putting the rolls and slowly touches Wife’s hands.]

Wife: I should bring these out.

Sabine: No, stay with me.

Wife: But– what about my hungry guys?

Sabine: What are you hungry for?

Guys: Go, go, go, yes! Touchdown! Hey, babe, we need those Totinos, what’s going on back there?

[Wife and Sabine are in the kitchen hugging each other and dancing softly.] [Wife is drawing a picture of Sabine eating Totinos.] [Wife looks away]

Sabine: What is it?

Wife: Every big game before this one, I’ve been asleep. But, Sabine, [speaking in French. The subtitle reads ‘You have awoken me. I feel like we are the only two people on Earth.’]

Beck: They’re gonna punt.

[Wife and Sabine open their clothes and slowly touches each other’s skin with Totinos.]

Wife: [In French] My husband has his Totinos. And you are my Totino.

Beck: Babe, what’s taking so long with those Totinos? You girls making out back there?

[The guys laugh]

Bobby: You’re crazy.

[Wife and Sabine are actually making out]

Female voice: Totino. This spring, find your Totino.

Beck: Babe? Babe?

Weekend Update David Ortiz on New England Patriots

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow, the New England Patriots will attempt to win their fifth Super Bowl title. Here to talk about it is the biggest New England fan we know, Boston Red Sox Slugger, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in] [cheers and applause]

David Ortiz: Yo! Yay! Yay! Yay! Whooo! Hey, como estas, Yost! Oh, are you ready for the super bowl?

Colin Jost: I am, I’m excited. I might have some people over if you want to–

David Ortiz: No.

Colin Jost: So, Big Papi, [Michael Che laughing]

David Ortiz: Yes?

Colin Jost: Do you have any kind of Super Bowl traditions you do?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah. This gonna shock you, man. But actually, I do a pretty big lunch. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, you do a big lunch.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Yeah, big lunch for Big Papi. Yeah, we’re going to have mofongo, arroz con fideos, langosta con mantiquilla de chicharron, y cocoa de yogurt, and you konw, Yon Madden?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yon? John Madden?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. Yon Madden, man. You know, he always make a turducken, man. [Cut to David Ortiz] That’s a turkey inside a duck inside a chicken. I’m gonna make a mofunguin. That’s a mofongo inside a chicken inside a penguin. yeah. It’s a big mofongo too, so you’re gonna need a big-ass penguin.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where are you getting a penguin?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: From the zoo, bro. You know what they say, happy feet, happy in stomach.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, they don’t.

David Ortiz: Yeah, eating penguin.

Colin Jost: No one says that. Now, you’re retired from baseball, obviously. I’ve noticed you’re doing a lot more ads on TV.

David Ortiz: Oh yeah, I got a hungry mouth to feed, man. [pointing his own mouth] This one. Yeah, that’s why I do product plugs.

Colin Jost: Product plugs? You plug products on TV?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I tell you which products have plugs. [Cut to David Ortiz.] Lamps, that’s-a got a plug. Toaster, that’s-a got a plug too. Hamster wheel, that don’t need a plug. It’s-a got a hamster. [Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost] You see, it’s very educational.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I learned a lot.

David Ortiz: I also do ads for little scissors.

Colin Jost: Little Caesar’s, pizza?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. Little scissors. [Cut to David Ortiz] Do you want to give a haircut to a little baby? Or cut the toenail of a Prima Donna Iguana? Reach for little scissors. But don’t give it to a monkey, he might cut your peepee.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow.

David Ortiz: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, thanks. I can visualize it. Thank you. So, do you have any adds running in the Super Bowl?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got one for a new sponsor, a product for everybody.

Colin Jost: Everyone.

David Ortiz: Yeah. [Cut to David Ortiz] Are you really self-conscious about your body? And are you a manatee? Well, why not wear a Mana-T? A t-shirt a fat manatee can wear when he goes swimming but it no help with the boat propeller. No, no, no. Hey, do you know how the manatee got so fat?

Colin Jost: How did manatee got fat? No. How?

David Ortiz: From eating wasa cocoa con questo frito. It’s no good for manatees.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s not good for humans either.

David Ortiz: Yeah, not good for anybody.

Colin Jost: Okay. Now, do you have any Super Bowl predictions?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, I predict I’m going to really enjoy Lady Haha. [Cut to David Ortiz] and I tell you this, I never bet against the Falcons. Not after Falcons tore my cousin to pieces. So? If I had to predict the final score, I’d say Falcons- 1cousin, Patriots- 100 mofongos.

Colin Jost: Big Papi, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost– Not yet. Oops, sorry. I started ending it.

David Ortiz: Oh, I just leave now. Okay. Bye bye.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Big Papi, everyone. Sorry. I thought we were—

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] You just saved my job. [Colin Jost laughing]

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Executive Orders

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Donald Trump has signed 18 executive orders in his first 12 days as president. Now that sounds like a lot, but keep in mind that… it is a lot. Everything people said Donald Trump couldn’t do, he just does. His slogan should have been, “Yes, we can.” “You can’t ban Muslims.” “Yes, we can.” Just two weeks as president and he’s putting up walls, he’s kicking people out. Trump is gut-renovating the country like it’s a crackhouse on ‘Flip or Flop.’ 18 in 12 days? I haven’t seen this many executive orders since Obama made 19 in 12 days. But that was eight years ago. Back then, it was crazy. We had a black president, it was weird.

Even then, Donald Trump actually criticized Obama for signing so many executive orders but that’s only because Donald Trump doesn’t like Obama. And when you really don’t like somebody, you don’t want to see them make any decisions, even if it’s in your favor. Trump could sign an order for free pizza and protestors would be outside White House demanding tacos.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of gavel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A federal judge last night temporarily blocked president Trump’s travel ban from being enforced. But Trump’s not too worried about it because for him, getting temporarily blocked is just foreplay.

[Picture changes to flags of Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria and Yemen.]

The White House responded to criticism of the travel ban by saying, “They’re not banning Muslims. They’re just banning people from seven Muslim majority nations.” Which is sort of like saying, “We’re not banning white people, we’re just banning people who love ‘La La Land’. Maybe they’re white, we don’t know.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Muslim moon and star at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They’re definitely white.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Michael Che: Trump says the ban is to prevent radical Islamic terrorists in American. First of all, what is radical Islam? That’s too subjective of term. I have a Muslim friend. He doesn’t eat pork and he doesn’t have sex with white women. Now to me, that’s mad radical. But he’s not a terrorist. Terrorism is the actual problem. When you only associate terrorism with one religion, you make them synonymous. There’s 1.7 billion Muslims in this world. If you think 1.7 billion people are actively trying to kill you, maybe you’re a little radical. Also, how are we supposed to find terrorists if the only thing we know about them is that they’re one of the almost 2 billion people? I mean, there’s 2 billion people that drink alcohol, and alcohol kills like thousand times more people than radical Islam. But the only difference is, alcohol never has a problem getting on an airplane, because people aren’t afraid of it. Meanwhile, if you got on a plane and saw a pilot wearing a turban, you’d be like, “I hope he’s just using that thing to hide booze.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: While appearing on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway defended president Trump’s travel ban by referencing what she called the bowling green massacre, which is terrorist attack that never happened. In response, congress immediately launched an investigation into Hillary Clinton’s role in the bowling green massacre.

[picture changes to Australian flag and earth]

In a phone call with Australia’s prime minister, president Trump called a plan to accept more than thousand refugees from the country ‘a dumb deal.’ Trump threatened to retaliate by hitting Australia with 20% import tax on Hemsworth brothers. [picture changes to Chris and Liam Hemsworth] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Australian flag and earth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump’s call with the Australian prime minister got so heated, he had to send in Steve Bannon to smooth things over with their ambassador. [laughing] What? I mean, using Steve Bannon to help you smooth things over? But honestly, if I got a call from Australia telling me to do something I didn’t want to do, I’d probably do the same thing. It’s like, “Who cares? It’s Australia, isn’t it still like, yesterday there? Just go there tomorrow and tell them I didn’t say that today.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Bill O’Reilly]

Earlier tonight, FOX news teased an interview where Bill O’Reilly questioned president Trump about Vladimir Putin and let’s take a look at it.

[Cut to the interview]

Bill O’Reilly: Putin’s a killer.

Donald Trump: A lot of killers. We’ve got a lot of killers. What? Do you think our country is so innocent?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: So the sitting president of the United States just said that the US government is a bunch of killers? I mean, he’s not wrong. But he’s supposed to sugarcoat it, man! Come on! If your kid’s doe dies, you don’t tell him, “It got hit by a car.” You tell him, “It went to a state up farm.” You don’t– [sigh] Listen, [laughing] [Colin Jost laughing] Shut up, Colin. [Colin Jost laughing harder] If your kid’s dog dies, you tell it went state up to a farm. You don’t tell him you put it down because it bit a lady with a good lawyer. Shut up, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I think one interesting thing right now is how much we’re learning about government and the world from Trump. Like before this, I never knew who the prime minister of Australia was because our president had never hung up on him before. We’re learning which Muslim countries are threats and which Muslim countries have Trump Hotels. We’re even learning about important historical events that never happened. Like that day that will live in infamy. February 35th, ‘nineteen hundred and a hundred and thirty’. And we’re learning that Frederick Douglass is alive and well. [Picture changes to Donald Trump speaking about Frederick Douglas] And that, “He is doing an mazing job and getting recognized more and more, trump noticed.” And we’re definitely learning about cheks and balances because this is all becoming a dark, gritty reboot of ‘Schoolhouse Rock’, where a bill becomes a law on its own terms.

[Michael Che laughing]