Whiskers R WE

Barbara Dedrew … Kate McKinnon

Tabbytha … Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with Whiskers R We commercial]

Tabbytha and Barbara: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a ticket to fun.

Tabbytha: A cat is a dream come true with fur.

Barbara: A cat is an animal in your house that you’re okay with.

Tabbytha: Cats are you best friend best side of having a cat.

Barbara: So come on down for our valentine’s day cat giveaway.

Barbara and Tabbytha: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I am Barbara Dedrew.

Tabbytha: And I am Tybertha but I changed it to Tabbytha. Because of cats!

Barbara: You’re freaking nuts.

Tabbytha: Many of these rescue cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So let’s take a look at today’s free lineup.

Tabbytha: Okay.

Barbara: Shall we? This is Riley. [pulls out a cat] She’s a millennial. She uses the twitter rocks . [laughing]

Tabbytha: But I think she’s a troll coz she fills it with crap. I said it, I don’t care.

Barbara: You’re a cornball.

Tabbytha: No, I’m a horn-ball.

Barbara: Cool it. We’re on camera. [pulls out another cat] Toby is a hairless cat. But he wasn’t born that way.

Tabbytha: I covered him with nair and ripped it all his hair. And now he’s got a bone to pick with me.

Barbara: He’ll thank you come swimsuit season.

Tabbytha: Oh! [pulls out another cat] Look who we have here. This is William.

Barbara: You should know. William hasn’t been nurtured yet so he still wears condom.

Tabbytha: He always leaves little wrappers everywhere like, we get it!.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] This is sprinkles.

Tabbytha: Sprinkles has a sad history. He was involved in medical experimentation.

Barbara: He would put lipstick in rabbit’s eyes until they scream.

Tabbytha: Little jerk ass. He’s still nice to pet though.

[Tabbytha is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Tabbytha, I put the cat down already and I think you know that.

Tabbytha: Well, I can’t help it.

Barbara: Please. We both know you’re just doing this to piss off your senator father.

Tabbytha: Well.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] We call this cat OJ because he is orange like the Jews an murderer like the athlete.

Tabbytha: I’ve had him guilty of being adorable.

Barbara: And again, murder. [pulls out a dog on a cat costume] And this is Whiskers. I don’t know if you can tell, but Whiskers is a dog in a cat costume.

Tabbytha: We think it kind of misses down fire situation.

Barbara: He has to pretend to be a cat so he can see his kids. Anyway, come on down to Whiskers R We.

Tabbytha: Our policy is bring your bag and we’ll put a cat in it.

Barbara: Okay. Time to climb up in the scratching.

[Tabbytha carries Barbara]

Tabbytha: There we go.

Barbara: Happy valentine’s day.

[Cut to a picture Whiskers R We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R We, valentine’s cat giveaway. See you there!

Weekend Update Von Miller Explains Gravitational Waves

Von Miller

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Thursday, scientists announced that the detection of gravitational waves whose existence was first proposed by Albert Einstein in 1916. Now, it’s a pretty complicated idea. So here to explain it to us is Denver Broncos linebacker and Super Bowl MVP, Von Miller.

[Von Miller slides in]

Von Miller: How are you doing, Michael?

Michael Che: I’m okay. Von Miller. Now so, Von, you studied science in college, right?

Von Miller: Yeah. I guess you can say that I did.

Michael Che: Okay. Now, explain this to us. The gravitational waves were discovered when two black holes collided with each other. Is that correct?

[Cut to Von Miller]

Von Miller: That’s right. Let me put it like this. Picture two huge forces slamming together. Like say me and Cam Newton.

[Cut to Von Miller and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You’re just talking about football, man.

Von Miller: No, I’m talking about science. [Cut to Von Miller] Now these forces collide, it makes gravity waves. Like when I collided with Cam Newton and forced him to form.

[Cut to Von Miller and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Sounds like you’re bragging. Are you sure you’re not bragging about this?

Von Miller: Come on! I told you this is science, man.

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Von Miller]

Von Miller: Now these waves are everywhere in the universe. Just like I’m everywhere when Cam Newton closes and he’s like, [making faces] [Cut to Von Miller and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Von, you already won, man.

Von Miller: Look, this is a huge discovery. [Cut to Von Miller] No one ever thought it would happen. Kind of like no one ever thought that we would keep the number one offence to just eight points. Hey, but it happened. And it’s amazing. Discovery proves that Einstein’s theory ME=MVP.

Michael Che: Well you got that right. Von Miller everyone!