Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of maps of Ukraine and Russia at left top corner.]
Well, this week Russia began their invasion of Ukraine, President Putin launched the attack with support from allies like Bella Rousse, and Tucker Carlson. Many analysts were surprised Putin went through with the invasion even though it was obviously going to be a colossal mistake, but he couldn’t back down after all that build up. Kind of like how NBC still had to go through with airing the Winter Olympics.[Picture changes to Vladimir Putin]
Experts on Russian politics are saying that economic sanctions in the West will not deter Putin because his money is a non traditional assets that are difficult to trace. So, on top of everything else awful about Putin, he’s also into crypto.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of chart showing downfall of Russian stock market at right top corner.]
Michael Che: After the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian stock market fell by 30% to -90%. This is a tough subject to make jokes about. I mean, in my lifetime, I’ve seen footage of attacks like this on other countries, but never a white one. I don’t know very much about this whole situation. But I have a close friend who’s Russian. And I asked her what she thought about it and she said, “Michael, you no paid me to talk baby.” But I am very impressed by all Ukrainian citizens signing up to defend their country, even the famous ones. Imagine that here. If you have a read on the news Michael Che has joined an American war, we have just lost that war.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chernobyl at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: One of the first places Russian forces seize when invading Ukraine was Chernobyl, the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster. Said Ukrainians, “Oh no, don’t take that.” Capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now.[Picture changes to Donald trump and Vladimir Putin]
Donald Trump– Great transition. Donald Trump phrased Vladimir Putin moving troops into Ukraine saying “This is genius.” Though this is genius is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ketanji Brown Jackson at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson seen here getting tired of y’all’s foolishness, was nominated by President Biden to become the first black woman on the Supreme Court. The nomination fulfills Biden’s promise to change the subject. [Picture changes to Ukraine and Russia map.] You clapped too early.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week. “Weird, I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show” said the NFL.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new book claims that while Donald Trump was President, White House staff routinely found wads of paper clogging the toilet. So, either he tried to flush classified documents or he eats the wrappers.[Picture changes to subway train]
In the days after New York Mayor Eric Adams announced a new plan to stop violence in the city’s transit system, six people were stabbed on the subway. And I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, that sounds pretty low.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme. Said Prince Andrew, “Oh, nursery!”[Picture changes to Kentucky Derby logo]
Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit of his Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post race drug test. And I just want to say to Medina Spirit, “I hope it’s hot and horse hell you cheating bastard.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Dog returned after mission for 12 years” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Medina Spirit sounds like a Tyler Perry character. A dog in California that went missing 12 years ago was found and returned to her owner, after spending more than a decade living at Dave’s taxidermy shop.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man gets AA battery stuck in penis” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a AA battery stuck inside his penis. It was AA because that’s the sound he makes when it goes in.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Luke Cage comic book at right top corner.]
This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of Marvel Comics first black superheroes, Luke Cage. In the comics, Luke Cage faces off against black people’s most powerful enemy of the 1970s, LED paint.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a handgun at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Police arrested twin sisters after they got mad at a restaurant worker and shot him in the face. This according to Peacocks very dark reboot of “Sister Sister”.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FDA logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: This week, the FDA granted the first condom approved for anal sex. It took them this long because their wives would only let them test it on their birthdays.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a ocean wave at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Do you get it? Researchers have observed a nearly 60 foot tall rogue wave off the coast of British Columbia, which is the largest ever recorded. Researchers believe the wave was generated when yo mama fell overboard. Well, for Weekend Update, oops all jokes. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.