Weekend Update Vaccine Fraud and Mars Rover

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of a new article that says “Two women dressed up as grandmothers to get vaccine” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida officials say two women tried to get a second dose of the vaccine by dressing up as grandmothers. Which in Florida means they just dressed up as 35 year olds.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rover on Mars at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: NASA’s rover ‘Perseverance’ successfully landed on Mars and started a Twitter account to send back updates. First it was – “I’m safe on Mars!” Then – “Collected first soil sample!” And then – “Oh no, why is there no white history month?” Wow, it really figured out Twitter fast.

[picture changes to Krispy Kreme’s new doughnut]

Krispy Kreme is marking the landing of the rover on Mars by offering a limited edition doughnut modeled after Mars. It’s different from their usual doughnut which is modeled after Uranus. [picture changes to normal doughnut (that has a hole)] [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Kim Kardashain and Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kin Kardashain has filed for divorce from Kanye West. And I really sympathize with Kanye because I know from experience how difficult it is to have to move that many sneakers out of a white lady’s apartment.

[Picture changes to a mammoth]

Researchers studying the remains of a Willy mammoth have uncovered the world’s oldest DNA sequence. In fact, it’s so old, Andrew Cuomo is covering up it’s death.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a man wearing a catholic priest’s outfit at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Catholic leaders issued new pandemic guidelines on ash Wednesday discouraging priests from wiping ashes directly off people’s foreheads. And I think not touching could just be a great new rule in general.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Israel is reporting that they vaccinated half of their population. And I’m gonna guess it’s the Jewish half.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of #SIMP at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular new hashtag among teenagers is SIMP which describes boys who are overly nice to girls they like, as in only a simp would flee a disaster just because his wife wanted to go to Cancun.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman has created a customized life jacket that allows a disabled goldfish to swim. The woman came up with the idea while not having plans on Vaneltine’s day.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of

Colin Jost: The retired admiral who oversaw the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden is releasing a children’s book. The book is the surprising collaboration called “The Berenstain Bears kill Osama Bin Laden.”

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Valentines Day

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This last Sunday was the first and hopefully only Valentines day of the pandemic. With more on this is relationship expert, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to see you, Pete. So, how was Valentine’s day?

Pete Davidson: Well, I’m sure not as good as your’s. Yeah, you’re the man. In some ways, I like the pandemic valentines because it’s the first time being alone wasn’t my fault. I spent the night eating chocolates and watching a movie with my mom. Which is why, I’m officially moving out of the house. I am. Yeah. One of us has to go. So, we were watching that Britney Spears documentary. But I had it turned it off when I realized my mom has way more of a case to take over my finances than Brithey’s dad ever did. I was like, “Wait, she could do that and she hasn’t? Doesn’t she love me?” All Britney did was shave her head. I got a life sized tattoo of the tutsy pop owl.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I heard you were moving some of your tattoos.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I saw a picture of myself without a shirt and I look like a toddler went to prison. Like, I look like I’m carrying a shiv, but only to poke open a capri sun.

Colin Jost: Alright. And so, you’re definitely moving out?

Pete Davidson: Yes, I have to. I have to. The thing is my mom is a lot like this show. Like, no matter what I do, I’m never asked to leave. Right? Also, they’re both really old and noticeably fatigued.

Colin Jost: I gotta ask, where are you going to move to?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I’m staying in Staten Island. I can’t afford Kennebunkport or Blabagansett or Pepperidge Farm, wherever you live now.

Colin Jost: That’s not where I live, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, wherever you live, I’m sure it has more boats than people.

Colin Jost: Come on, man. I grew up in Staten Island just like you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, well your grammar and lack of police record say otherwise.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you’re not gonna move anywhere expensive?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, that’s the problem. You see? Me and my mom bought that house together. So, for me to afford somewhere new, I’m gonna have to either like, fight Jake Paul or like, steal another one of Laurn’s paintings.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I remember when you stole the Rothko. But you’re kidding about the fighting, right?

Pete Davidson: Well, I mean, I could never fight Jake Paul because after it was over there would be no way of telling if either one of us got brain damage.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Watch Kenan on Tuesdays!

Weekend Update Jessie Rauch on Food Insecurity

Michael Che

Jessie Raunch… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With many New Yorkers still out of work, it’s more important than ever to provide accessible food to those in need. Here to talk about her mutual aid organization that delivers hot meals to families is Program Director, Jessie Raunch.

[Jessie Raunch slides in. She is wearing dirty clothes.]

Jessie Raunch: Hey! Hi, Michael. Thank you so much for having me.

Michael Che: Yeah, thanks for being here, Jessie.

Jessie Raunch: Yeah. It means everything to community horizons to have this platform to speak about food and security. This is cool.

Michael Che: Yeah, great. Why are you wearing this costume.

Jessie Raunch: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m still on my work clothes. I came straight from there. We feed 400-500 families every week and this week was barbecue, hence all the char. So, sorry.

Michael Che: Oh, no. I’m sorry because it’s just that sweater and that hat combination looks exactly like Freddy Krueger.

Jessie Raunch: Oh, wow. Yeah. That did not cross my mind. Oh yeah, no. This is my dad’s chapeau. He dedicated his life to service. So, I always wear it. This is cool being here.

Michael Che: So, you just show up at people’s houses dressed like this? Aren’t they scared?

Jessie Raunch: What? No. They’re thankful. I mean, every once in a while, some parents say, “Oh, hell no”, and slam the door. But, you know, that’s just pride talking.

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t think it’s pride. I think they think you’re Freddy Krueger.

Jessie Raunch: [laughing] Michael, I’m telling you, I couldn’t be more different than Freddy Krueger. I work in the community. I’m a part of kid’s dreams.

Michael Che: Okay. That’s what Freddy does. He infiltrates their dreams.

Jessie Raunch: No, Michael. They all know Ms. Jessie song.

[singing] One, two, bread’s coming for you
three, four, better open your door
five, six, I got checks mix

Michael Che: Yeah, that’s exactly what Freddy sings.

Jessie Raunch: What’s your angle, man? Are you, like, embarrassed for white girl? Because you brought up my clothes so many times at this point. I’m sorry that they’re bad to you.

Michael Che: Well, I didn’t say they were bad. They’re just a little scary.

Jessie Raunch: Why are they scary?

[when Jessie Raunch raises her hand, she has long scary claw that have knife nails]

Michael Che: Whoa! Why are you wearing those gloves?

Jessie Raunch: My work gloves? To chop meat, okay? I told you it was barbecue day and I’ve gotta be able to sever a hog swiftly and effectively.

Michael Che: That’s absolutely terrifying.

Jessie Raunch: You know what? Seriously, you know what? [pointing at Michael Che with the knife nail]

Michael Che: Stop pointing that at me.

Jessie Raunch: You know what? I’m proud to be someone who looks like they work at community horizons. And today, I was exhausted and I was covered in blood. But you know what? I looked out over all of our barbecue man, and I said, “How sweet, fresh meat.”

Michael Che: That’s the most famous Freddy Krueger quote.

Jessie Raunch: I’m gonna kill you, Michael.

Michael Che: Jessie Raunch, everybody.

Jessie Raunch: Hey, remember to wear a mask. [showing Jason’s mask]

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

The Job Interview

Donald… Regé-Jean Page

Mr. Foster… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Donald getting in for the interview]

PA: [opening the door] You can go right in.

Mr. Foster: Hey there, you must be Donald.

Donald: Honor to meet you, Mr. Foster.

Mr. Foster: Please. Mr. Foster was my father. Call me Mr. Foster Jr.

Donald: I have to say, in person job interviews, pretty rare these days.

Mr. Foster: Well, here at Mix Marshall Media, we don’t exactly play by the rules. but I’m sure you’re aware of that.

Donald: Yes. I was very intrigued by the company. I’ve never heard of ad agency that works on spec. So, you make ads for companies that didn’t hire you to make ads?

Mr. Foster: That’s right. Sounds like a terrible business model, but trust me, business is booming.

[PA runs in with a note. The note says, “We’re losing millions”.]

So, I take you’ve seen some of our work? What are some of your favorites?

Donald: Well, the ones on your wall are all classics. “Charmin, use after you poop.”

Mr. Foster: Yeah, they passed on that.

Donald: “Lego, bet you can’t eat just one.”

Mr. Foster: That was a pass that later became a lawsuit.

Donald: And “Doritos 4D, open wide.”

Mr. Foster: [whispering] 4D is a D.

Donald: And I can’t help but notice, it’s not your only ad to feature a penis.

Mr. Foster: Unfortunately, we had to blur them to stand.

Donald: Oh, so they did air on TV?

Mr. Foster: Oh, no. For courtroom standards. For the lawsuits.

[Pa runs in with a note. The note says, “They have your daughter”.]

Hmm.

Donald: Your website also says you invent mascots for companies?

Mr. Foster: That’s correct. You know how our Planters had Mr. Peanut? Well, we approached Maxwell House coffee about creating Mrs. Maxwell.

Donald: And you chose Ghislaine Maxwell? The associate of Jeffery Abstein?

Mr. Foster: That’s what Maxwell House said. Well, they yelled at our lawyer.

[PA runs in with a note. The note says, “Your mom is topless in the lobby”.

She’s early.

Tell me, why do you think you’re MMM material? Sorry, I stuttered. Material.

Donald: Well, I worked for six years  at BBDO.

Mr. Foster: Ah! That’s a great firm.

Donald: No. BBDO, the dating app. Big Beautiful Dongs Only.

Mr. Foster: Oh. That’s a great app.

Donald: And then I saw that you guys were looking for a new art director and I thought, “Well, what’s the harm in applying?”

[PA runs in with a note, this time for Donald. The note says, “Hi.”]

Mr. Foster: Did you bring your portfolio?

Donald: I did.

[showing his portfolio]

Mr. Foster: [reading] “UPS, go fetch.” And he’s throwing the package into the ocean?

Donald: Yeah. That’s why it gives you the sense the package is going all around the world.

Mr. Foster: And I like how the waves are going in the wrong direction.

Donald: [showing different picture] Here’s another one. The all new Chevy Bolt.

Mr. Foster: [reading] “Move over, Usain Bold. There’s a new Bolt in town.” And the car’s running over you saying “Bolt”.

Donald: Yeah. Cuts him in half, then it laughs. That’s what the “Ha-ha-ha” is.

Mr. Foster: Right. I love that detail. And I’m guessing so will Chevy.

Donald: And here’s one for eBay. [showing another picture] And again, some of the art is temp.

Mr. Foster: [reading] “eBay, too bad you can’t sell women on this site… or can you?” And then there’s a lightbulb.

Donald: To show that it’s a great idea.

Mr. Foster: Well, you’ve given us a lot to think about. And by us, I mean me. And by a lot, I mean a little. Say, that’s that last drawing you’ve got in there?

[Donald covers the drawing]

Donald: Oh, it’s nothing.

Mr. Foster: Oh, come on. Let me see it.

Donald: [intense voice] I said, it’s nothing.

Mr. Foster: [intense voice] And I said, let me see it.

Donald: You know what? I think I got something else I’d rather show you. [puts his hand inside his jacket pocket]

Mr. Foster: So do I.

[they both pull out a sponge stick and start hitting each other] [PA runs in]

PA: Stop it, you’ll kill each other.

Mr. Foster: Not bad.

Donald: Yeah, not bad yourself. You know what? I think you’ve earned this. [showing the last drawing]

Mr. Foster: [looking at the drawing] It’s an ad for Netflix. It’s perfect.

Donald: Yeah, I know. And now, I think my work here is done.

[Donald puts on his had, then disappears.]

PA: He took my hat.

Mr. Foster: Forget about your hat. Get Kevin Netflix on the phone and tell him I’m about to save his company.

[cut to the ad]

Male voice: Netflix, we have porn now.

Sea Shanty

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Regé-Jean Page

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Johnny Fitzlafet… Bad Bunny

Ship fielder… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching History channel. At nine, it’s “Trimming a Tyrant: Hitler’s Hairdresser”. But now, it’s “Songs of the Sea”

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Sea shanties may be the latest viral trend on TikTok, but they began as work songs on the square-rigged ships of the Age of Sail. Here’s a reenactment of a shanty sung abroad the whaling vessel, the SS Gillenpool.

[Cut to the show. There are men on a ship working and doing their parts.]

Andrew: [walking in with a backpack] Oh, the day has finally arrived. My first journey on a whaling ship.

Alex: Ha-ha! Look at him, all excited.

Beck: Still in short pants.

Bowen: Doesn’t have his sea legs.

Kenan: Oh, his curly hairs.

All: Laughing.

Rege: Ah! You’ll get the hang of it, Greenhorn.

Kyle: We sing to make the work easier.

Mikey: What do you say, boys?

Kenan: Heave-ho!

Rege: [singing] There once was a ship called the Fiddle Dee Dee
The ship has been about
103
we left our wives and we went to the sea
for we all love life on the waves

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro

for now we’re off to sea

Andrew: Oh, the life I’ve always dreamed. I’m living it.

Rege: We all are, boy. You’re lucky to find yourself aboard the finest vessel with the finest crew!

All: Yeah!

Rege: Tell him where we’re headed, boys.

Beck: [singing] First we go to Hawaii shore
then up to Alaska, then back to Hawaii
China, Brazil, then Alaska again
the trip takes eighteen months

Andrew: What?

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the meat is bugs and the beer is bugs
my will is bugs and my friends are bugs
and I’ll be eating my friends, Ho!

Andrew: That doesn’t sound fun at all.

Rege: Oh, trust me, boy, there’s nothing more fun than life on a boat. Right boys?

All: Yeah!

Kenan: [singing] Does anyone else not feel so good?
I’ve never been on a boat before
does it do this the whole time?
I’m going to go lay down

Mikey: I drank a bunch of salt water
and I don’t feel good and I feel really weird
and my stomach really hurts and I’m seeing ghosts
may I please go lay down?

Bowen: Crap, you guys, I got a splinter
we don’t have a cure for that
the only cure is cutting off your head
I guess I’m going to die

All: Ho-ho, we don’t have food
we can’t catch fish and we didn’t bring water
we also forgot the anchor, oops
does anyone know where we are? Ha!

Andrew: Wait, does anyone know where we are?

Rege: Of course. Just ask our navigator – Johnny Fitzlafet.

[Johnny Fitzlafet walks out]

Johnny Fitzlafet: Ola! The ocean is that way and that way and behind us and kind of all around.

Andrew: Do you even have a map?

Johnny Fitzlafet: Hell yeah, I got the map right here. [Johnny Fitzlafet pulls out a paper. He unrolls it. It’s a kid-made picture of a boat on a sea.] See? Look. We got the boat.

Andrew: Oh my god, we are gonna die.

Rege: No, we’re not. You’re on a safest vessel on the four seas.

Andrew: It’s seven.

Rege: Just ask the ship fielder himself.

[Ship fielder walks out]

Ship fielder: That’s right. I built this beauty myself. Side note, is it supposed to be wet below deck? There’s like, two feet of water. I spent so much time on the top, I might have forgot to build the floor.

Andrew: So, you don’t know how a boat works?

Ship fielder: Of course I do.

[singing] The ropes are attacked to the sails, I think
you pull this one and you move that one

the steering wheel, the something too
I left the life boats at home

All: Ho-ho, we’ll never come home,
we’re stuck out here and we’re all alone

our friends will eat our brittle bones
you’ll all get scurvy and die, ha!

Rege: Ha-ha! No better death than being eaten alive by your closest mates 45 minutes from shore.

Beck: A hero’s death.

Andrew: Yeah. I don’t think we have to kill each other yet. I can still see my wife.

Chris: Forget your wife, you’re sea’s now.

Ship fielder: There’s plenty of gorgeous wives on the seas.

Andrew: There is?

Kyle: Aye, no better wife than the hole in the whale.

Alex: I stuck a blanket in a little barrel. It’s in my bunk and it’s my wife.

Rege: And I took two jellyfish and wrapped them in a rubber band, and that’s my gorgeous squishy wife.

Johnny Fitzlafet: [showing his hand] This is my wife. I’m not creative like these guys.

Andrew: Are we going to go look for whales now?

Rege: Whales? What’s wrong with you boy? They’re all dead.

Andrew: Then what are we doing out here?

Rege: I think you know. We’re singing.

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro
and all we’re off to sea

RegéJean Page Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Regé-Jean Page.

[Regé-Jean Page walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Regé-Jean Page: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Welcome to the show. My name is Regé-Jean Page. You can call me Regé-Jean Page. Get comfortable with it. Now, you probably recognized me from Bridgerton, the show that made everyone turn to their mom and say, “You know what? Never mind. I don’t think we should watch this together.” It’s a bit of a racy show. And because of that, people may associate me with being this smoldering sensual smokeshow of a man. But I assure you, I’m just a regular guy. [Cut to close up shot of Regé-Jean. He is speaking in husky voice and romantic music is playing.] And I’m here to show you a good time. I just want to have fun together. To explore each other. Well, does that sound pleasing to you?

[cut back to front camera]

So, I bet you can tell from my accent that I’m from Shondaland.

[Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy: Hey, Regé-Jean. Sorry to interrupt. Hi. I’m gonna be your gorgeous SNL liaison, a personal escort for all your personal needs.

Regé-Jean: I didn’t know I was going to get a persona liaison. Thanks, Aidy.

Aidy: Oh my god, he said my name. It’s happening. Um, yeah, anything you need. Alcohol? Massage? I know I said that a little British.

Regé-Jean: Aidy, don’t be nervous. It’s just me.

[Ego Nwodim walks in]

Ego: Hello, Regé-Jean. I am your liaison. The host has one every week and that’s normal and I am to be your’s.

Regé-Jean: Ego, you don’t have to bow. I’ve been getting a lot of this energy lately, but you can both relax. I’m nothing like my character, the Duke. [Cut to close up shot of Regé-Jean. He is speaking in husky voice and romantic music is playing.] I’m actually quite shy, emotional. It’s hard for me to talk about myself because well, I just want to listen. [there’s a wine in his hand now, and he takes a sip] Sorry, I was just quite parched there.

[cut back to front camera]

Ego: Okay, this is dangerous.

Aidy: Yeah. We’re just big fans of the Duke and the Bridgerton and I’ve seen your bottom.

Regé-Jean: Alright, a lot of people did. Alright, ladies, I’m flattered you liked the show. Did you have a favorite part?

Ego: Hm, I don’t know. Episode five, 52 minutes in?

Aidy: Maybe episode six, five minutes in?

Ego: 12 minutes in.

Aidy: 43 minutes in.

Ego: And in and in and in.

Regé-Jean: Okay, just so you know, that’s a character. None of that is real. And– [looks at Aidy and pauses] Oh, excuse me. [romantic music playing] Aidy, you have an eyelash. [slowly takes the eyelash off Aidy’s cheek] Make a wish.

[Aidy blows on Regé-Jean’s hand too hard.]

Aidy: My wish was rated ‘R’.

Regé-Jean: Ladies, okay, I hate to break it to you but I’m actually just kind of a nerd. I nerd out on music. I sing silly little songs like–

[piano playing] [singing really well] Oh my love,
my darling
I’m hungry for your touch

How nerdy is that?

Aidy: I mean, it’s starting to hurt me now.

[Chloe Fineman walks in dressed as Daphne]

Chloe: [speaking with accent] There you are. I thought I’d find you here.

Regé-Jean: Chloe, please tell me you aren’t dressed like Daphne, my love interest in Bridgerton.

Ego: Why didn’t we think of that?

Aidy: Yeah. That’s not Daphne. She’s just Chloe from regular SNL.

Regé-Jean: Look, I’m happy to play the Duke. I’ve been around for a while though. I was in Roots. I played high flying lawyers. Yet somehow, people just want me to be this guy who says–

[Cut to close up shot of Regé-Jean. He is speaking in husky voice and romantic music is playing.]

“I burn for you!”

[cut back to front camera]

Chloe: Yeah. I mean why wouldn’t anyone want you to do that?

Aidy: No, no. It’s cool. We definitely have other sketch ideas where you are just being an extremely hot sex man.

Chloe and Ego: [disappointed] We do?

Aidy: No. We’re screwed. Get pencils, bitches, coz we’re rewriting everything.

[Aidy, Ego and Chloe run out]

Regé-Jean: Okay, bye. Look, I am genuinely so happy that this show is connected with so many people during lock down. Specially people who don’t normally get to see themselves as romantic leads on television. And of course, it’s all brought me here with you tonight. So, we have got a great show for you tonight. Bad Bunny is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Mr Chicken Legs Pageant

Denise Poots… Cecily Strong

Troy Duggins… Regé-Jean Page

Minnie Marko… Chloe Fineman

Chris-Michael Donahue… Mikey Day

Shawn Cruck… Andrew Dismukes

Todd Dodley… Pete Davidson

Judge… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Mr. Chicken Legspageant. Live from the Grand Ball Room at the Cecil hotel. I know, very bad choice of venue because of bad Netflix show but we booked it so long ago.

[Cut to the show]

Denise Poots: [singing] The legs are skinny, thin and mini
only one will be Mr. Chicken legs
the adult males, the legs are rails
only one can be Mr. Chicken legs

Mr. Chicken legs
who will be Mr. Chicken Legs

[cheers and applause] [Troy Duggins and Minnie Marko walk in]

Troy Duggins: Alright. Welcome back to the 2021, Mr. Chicken Legs pageant. Crowning the grown man with the skinniest legs in America. How about that Denise Poots, really putting her all into our theme music tonight.

Denise Poots: Yes, sir. Hollywood chewed me up and spit me out 18 years ago. Tonight is my chance to say, “Hey, this old piece of gum still got some flavors. So, pop me back in your mouth.”

Troy Duggins: Oh. The producers are holding up a big sign with arrow pointing at you that says, “Don’t engage.” To those who are joining us, I’m your host Troy Duggins joined by funny woman, Minnie Marko. What a night it’s been so far, Minnie?

Minnie Marko: Yeah.

Troy Duggins: [sigh] Well, the judges have narrowed the field to just three finalists and with the talent portion remaining, the stakes couldn’t be higher.

Minnie Marko: Agree.

Troy Duggins: That’s it. Nothing to add?

[Minnie Marko shakes her head no]

Didn’t think so. Alright. All good. Ha-ha. Up first, it’s a magic active, Chris-Michael Donahue with “Legs of deception”.

Chris-Michael Donahue: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed. Before you stands a grown man, yet with a mere twirl of my cape and tilt of the camera, I become [drum roll] an eighth grade girl. [Camera slides down only to his legs. He’s wearing a skirt and girly shoes] As you can see, I can be flirty, or shy.

Troy Duggins: Wow. As I said many times tonight, that was deeply stupid, yet strangely compelling. Chris-Michael Donahue, everyone! Well, Minnie, I bet you have some thoughts on the competition so far.

Minnie Marko: Totally.

Troy Duggins: Well, do feel free to jump in and share them. Anything to help me fill the time up here, alright? Up next, we have Shawn Cruck, “Lamemt of the calf-less”.

Shawn Cruck: When a human stands on their tiptoes, the calf muscle naturally flexes. Yet, when I do it, there is no physical change in my leg shape. Don’t believe me? Just watch.

[camera slides down to his legs. He stands on his toes and shows his calves.]

Troy Duggins: Once again, deeply stupid and yet I can’t look away. Shawn Cruck, folks. Minnie, I’d hate to ask, anything you want to add before we bring out our third finalist?

Minnie Marko: No. It’s just like, this is fun.

Troy Duggins: Guys, this gal’s a dud. She’s sweet but she’s giving me literally nothing. Okay. Alright. Time for our last finalist, it’s Todd Dodley performing his talent, having long skinny ass legs like Jack Skellington.

[cut to Todd Dodley dancing in front of a painting showing his thin legs]

That will haunt me. So, Todd, when did you first realized you had skinny legs?

Todd Dodley: Well, as a kid, people would always say I had the same legs as that skinny prostitute from the old Popeye cartoons, Olive Oyl.

Troy Duggins: Pretty sure Olive Oyl was Popeye’s girlfriend, not a prostitute. But either way, well done, Todd.

Denise Poots: [singing] Three finalists for Mr. Chicken Legs
Mr. Chicken Legs!

Troy Duggins: Well folks, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Head judge Angela Howl will crown our winner.

[The judge walks in and starts feeling the finalists’ legs]

Judge: Your new Mr. Chicken Legs is Todd Dodley. And your prize, the smallest little kiss.

[The judge pecks on Todd Dodley’s cheeks]

Troy Duggins: Well, don’t go anywhere. Ours more to come after the break.

Denise Poots: [singing] He is Mr. Chicken Legs. God, I love those chicken legs.

Lets Say Grace

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Carl… Regé-Jean Page

Dale… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Dana… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a family get together]

Aidy: Well, there they are.

[Everyone greeting each other]

Ego: It’s so nice for you all to have us over. This house is lovely.

Carl: Man, look at all this food. You all having a whole football team over?

[everyone laughing]

Aidy: No, no, no. This is just what we do when new neighbors drop by. We act neighborly. So, this is buffet style. Grab a plate and go to town.

Dale: Now, before we dig in, our family usually says a little prayer. Is that okay? Y’all church going people?

Ego: Oh, absolutely.

Kenan: Absolutely. Have been Mr. Sunday since 81.

Dale: Well, that’s good. I’mma get my youngest Charlie to say grace. Go ahead, Charlie.

Charlie: Um, okay. Thank you for this food. Bless us as we eat. Amen.

All: Amen.

Aidy: Well, that was really nice. Okay now, we got two kinds of taters and my famous cheese biscuits.

Kenan: Uh, you know what? I hate to keep us from eating, but I feel like that prayer was incomplete.

Ego: Um-hmm, yeah. You know, I don’t feel comfortable eating this food until it is properly blessed. That’s how folks get sick.

Kenan: So, I’ll get my oldest Carl to bless us. Go ahead, Carl.

Carl: Alright. Thank you lord for this beautiful, boundful food. Thank you to those who raised it, picked it, chucked and cleaned it.

Dale: Amen, wonderful.

Carl: I’m not done. Processed it, packaged it, rubbed it, flipped it and reversed it. In the name of the father, the son, the nieces, the nephews, the second cousins. Once removed, twice removed and twice returned.

Ego: Um-hmm, baby, now don’t forget the holy trinity, okay? Earth, wind and fire. Bell Biv Devoe. And the holiest of trinities, the children of destiny, Beyonce, Kelly and I suppose, Michelle.

Punkie: Um, yes. And may the holy ghost greet with a blessed peek-a-boo.

Chris: And lead us not into temptation but deliver us Amazon Prime for free.

All: Amen.

Kenan: Very nice.

Ego: Lovely.

Aidy: Alright. Well, that was a beautiful effort. And hey, if we’re praying like really praying, let’s kick up a notch, huh? So, I’m gonna ask my post-pubescent daughter, Dana, to give us something a little more spirited.

Dana: [angry] Mom!

Aidy: [angry] I said my busty daughter is going to give us something spirited. Now, do what you learned in church camp.

Dana: Argh! Okay, fine! [gets a mic and starts rocking her body. Her brother, mother and father also start rocking their bodies] Alright, let’s get our hand clap going. There we go. There we go.

Jeremiah came down.

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of oil

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jebediah came down

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of water

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jeremiah, Jebediah, oh, they gotta be in their way. Amen.

Dale: Alright. That’s a prayer.

[Kenan’s family is planning too]

Chris: That was real nice. Real cute now. Yeah.

Kenan: I think we maybe can do a little better. Um-hmm. Bernadeth, it’s time. Bring in the big dogs.

Punkie: The big dogs.

Aidy: Um, wow. Okay.

Charlie: Y’all came prepared.

Dana: Yeah, they don’t teach this at church camp.

[Kenan’s family all have paper fans with gods’ pictures on them]

Kenan: Um-hmm, and we got this here Beats Pill. [pulls out a bluetooth sound speaker]

Dale: Okay. You’re on sound system. Very cool.

[music starts playing]

Kenan: Alright everybody. Raise your hands up for it’s time to pray away what’s on the layer way. Here we go.

Ego: [singing] Now, who gave all the fishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Ego: And washed all your dirty dishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Who turned water into wine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: And milk into moonshine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Break it down now, Dale!

Dale: Who, me? Alright.

[Dale starts to break dance]

All: Go, Dale! Go, Dale!

Kenan: Now, raise your hands in the air
if you want to say a short prayer
and when we bless this food, make it taste real good
somebody say “Oh, yeah!”

All: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Amen…

Drivers License

Beck Bennett

Regé-Jean Page

Mikey day

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Old Man… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of guys on a nine-ball pool table]

Beck: Alright, 50 bucks says I kick Bobby’s ass.

Rege: Hey, you tryna hustle me?

Mikey: Shut up and break em’, will ya?

Beck: I’ll break you first. How about that?

Rege: Hey, easy boys, I’ll take all your money by the end of the night. Just let me play my song first.

[Rege plays the song “Driver’s license” on the jukebox]

Beck: Alright. Nine ball, corner pocket. Watch me. [listening to the song] Wait, what am I listening to?

Rege: “Driver’s license” by Olivia Rodrigo.

Pete: Sounds like it’s just some teen girl singing in a room to a piano

Rege: And that’s the beauty of it. You got a problem?

Mikey: What’s this song even about?

Beck: I guess it’s about a girl getting a driver’s license, but it’s bitter sweet because it’s something she and her ex always talked about. That’s what I guess, based on hearing it for the first time right now.

Alex: Yeah, sure, sure. I mean, if you want to get all literal. But, I mean I think I overheard on the news or something that it’s actually about the kids from High School musical. I don’t know.

Pete: Oh, who? Vanessa Hudgens? Zac Efron? Sharpay? That whole crew?

Rege: No, man. High School musical, the series. Olivia wrote about Joshua Bassett who is allegedly now with Sabrina Carpenter. Listen, man.

Song: I just can’t imagine how you could be so okay now that I’m gone

Kenan: She’s got a healthy belt.

Beck and Rege: [singing, holding the pool stick like a mic] Guess you didn’t mean what you wrote in that song about me

Bowen: [standing in the corner being emotional] ‘Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Rege: Okay, so I’m not the only one.

Beck: It’s like she ripped the page out of my diary. I mean notebook. I mean plain brown letter. I can’t read or write.

Old man in the corner: I got my license AlexAlex years ago. Why is this hitting me so hard?

Alex: Okay, look. I don’t want to say nothing too controversial, you know, but this is giving me Billy Eillish vibes.

Pete: Yeah, yeah, but the verses are, sorry to say, Taylor?

Rege: I mean obviously it’s Taylor Swift. Taylor’s the root. It’s also pure Olivia, man.

Mikey: [sobbing] It’s pure. That’s for sure.

Alex: Oh dude, are you crying?

Mikey: Nah, it’s just– It almost got me thinking about my breakup. Like, maybe I am Olivia and my bitch ex, Gina, is Joshua Bassett. And Sabrina Carpenter, like, that’s that bastard, Enzo, from the garage.

Rege: Ayo, bro! If Olivia taught us anything, it’s that pain can be creatively generative, man.

Kenan: Yeah. Like, remember when I lost 50 Gs on the Giants? That gave me half of my poems.

Pete: I said it once, I’ll say it again. Taylor.

Rege: Yeah. But Taylor shifted away from autobiographical and now she’s in the pocket creatively. Look at folklore, man. Ultimately, she’s a freaking storyteller.

Pete: Yeah, but I still feel as Taylor. You got a problem?

Rege: With you being purposely reductive, yeah, i got a problem.

Old man in the corner: Boys, boys! Open your hearts and listen. We’re about to get the bridge of our lives.

[everyone in one line singing]

All: Red lights, stop signs
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards
Can’t drive past the places we used to go to

Mikey: ‘Cause I still fuckin’ love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
All: It’s alright man.

Alex: Let it out.

Old man in the corner: I need to hear that freakin bridge again.

All: Yeah!

[singing] Red lights, stop signs
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards

Bridgerton Intimacy Coordinator

Phoebe… Chloe Fineman

Regé-Jean Page

Director… Kate McKinnon

Richie… Mikey Day

Randy… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Bridgerton intro] [Cut to a scene of Phoebe and Regé-Jean]

Phoebe: It is you that I want, your grace. You and only you.

Regé-Jean: I burn for you, Daphne.

Director: And cut. Oh my gosh, guys. Amazing. Such passion that was great. Now, this next thing involves nudity and simulated intercourse. So, we’re going to clear the set. And Regé, Phoebe, we’ll have a brief rehearsal with the intimacy coordinator to make sure you both comfortable with the scene.

Regé-Jean: Oh, excellent. Is Paula back? She’s fantastic.

Phoebe: Yes, I feel very, very safe with her.

Director: Unfortunately, Paula had a covid exposure at her fund raiser for covid relief, but Netflix has provided backup. So, um, guys?

[Richie and Randy walk in]

Richie: Hey, how you doing? I’m Richie, the Intimacy Coordinator. This is my nephew, Randy, assistant IC.

Randy: Hey, how you doing?

Phoebe: Nice to meet you.

Regé-Jean: I think I saw you guys by the bagel table earlier. I thought you were lighting guys.

Richie: Oh yeah, close. Um, we work as special effects for years.

Randy: Yeah. Explosions, wind, gross-out stuff.

Richie: Yeah. But not a lot of people getting puked on on movies coz of covid. So, we took a Zoom and got certified to do all the sex scene stuff.

Director: That’s great. You seem very qualified. Now, any questions about script?

Randy: Ah, didn’t read it. Seemed like a girl show to me.

Richie: Yeah, but we get the jest. You two are brother and sister. You’re banging each other. Good stuff.

Phoebe: What? No. That’s disgusting. We play husband and wife.

Regé-Jean: Why would you think we’re playing brother and sister?

Richie: I don’t know. It’s Netflix. They got some dark stuff on there, you know what I mean? Now, Netflix requires modesty garments. We made available. We got a bunch of beave sleeves and dong bags here for you.

Regé-Jean: Are those clean?

Richie: Yeah. I mean–

[Randy smells them]

Randy: Yeah, yeah.

Richie: Yeah. And for the lady, we got these pasties which we invented, our design.

Phoebe: Why are they green?

Randy: Oh. So they can green screen in someone else’s nips.

Phoebe: Oh, thoughtful, but no thank you.

Director: Are you sure? Because there’s actually something to this. We could green screen in a guy’s nipples and then we could play this on any network.

Regé-Jean: Deidre, no! Look, not my nipples, no one’s nipples. No. Maybe we can just walk through the scene and you’ll see what we rehearsed.

Richie: Yeah, great. We’ll just observe, make sure everything’s kosher.

Director: Sounds good. Okay. Thank you.

[Phoebe and Regé-Jean get on bed]

Regé-Jean: So, Phoebe and I thought that if I shift my body this way, then I would cover her a bit more.

Richie: Yeah. Well, actually, you guys wanna tap out for a second? This might be better actually. [Phoebe and Regé-Jean get out of bed] Thank you. Now, Daphne, if you’re comfortable with it, [lying on bd] you’re like this, “Oh”. You know? You could just pop on to all force like this. [posing like porn’s doggy style]

Randy: And Bridgetown, you get behind like this. [posing like he’s having sex with Richie from the behind] Right? One knee down and one foot up. You know what I’m saying?

Richie: Yeah. And if you’re looking for a laugh, Daphne, you can say, “Shh, don’t let mom and dad hear.”

Regé-Jean: Right, we’re not brother and sister.

Richie: Right, right, okay. Here we go. Take it or leave it, okay? You go like this, Daphne. “Oops, wrong hole, dumb ass.”

Regé-Jean: Absolutely not.

Randy: Then he goes, “Oops, sorry”, but then you wink at the camera like, “It wasn’t an accident.”

Richie: Yeah. I mean like, that’s just fun.

Regé-Jean: Deidre, can you help us here? Please.

Director: Um, yeah. Daphne, she wouldn’t say, “Dumb ass”. She would say, “Wrong hole, your grace.” So…

Regé-Jean: No, no. Let’s not try that.

Phoebe: I mean, we might as well shoot to as like an option.

Regé-Jean: Phoebe, no. Deidre, I think we’ll be okay without these Intimacy Coordinators. We know each other’s boundaries. We’ll just do what we rehearsed.

Richie: Okay, great. Well, have a great sex scene. Have fun. We’ll be here. Excellent.

Director: Great. Well, if you two feel okay, let’s just try and shoot one. And, can we get the body make up folks in?

Richie: Yeah, that would be us too. Sorry, bunch of your crew were at that super spread of fund raiser.

Randy: Alright. Who’s looking for patchy. We got a bunch of fake pubes.

Richie: Yeah. Here we go.