Tag: episode 14

Weekend Update- Tennessee Bans Public Drag Shows, Trump Lashes Out at DeSantis

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Bill Lee.]

Tennessee Governor Bill Lee has signed a new law banning public drag performances with a six year prison sentence for repeat offenders. As first predicted in the now documentary,  Madea goes to jail.

A Tennessee state senator said the bill will prevent kids from being “Blindsided by a sexualized performance in public.” What are you talking about? Drag shows don’t just pop up like flash mobs and sprinkle gay dust on your kids. I never accidentally happened upon a drag show and I grew up in New York City. Now I have been blindsided by a sexualized performance a few times, but that’s just what you get when you take the bus.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Department of Energy logo.]

Michael Che: The US Energy Department concluded that COVID likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market. So I gave up in bats for nothing?

[Picture changes to Scott Adams and his cartoon Dilbert]

Newspapers around the country dropped the cartoon strip Dilbert after creator Scott Adams said he chose to live in a community where no black people live. So he lives in your building, huh Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Scott Adams and his cartoon Dilbert.]

Colin Jost: No. Newspapers dropped the cartoon strip effective immediately, and to rub it in there replacing Dilbert with Peanuts: Oops all Franklin.

Dilbert creator Scott Adams racist rant was in response to the results of a poll that asked respondents the question, “Is it okay to be white?” Oh, I’d say it’s more than just okay. [picture changes to Colin Jost holding a bunch of cash] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Michael Che: The house the House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. “Well, thank God I’m not George Santos,” said George Santos.

[picture changes to Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis.]

Donald Trump accused Ron DeSantis of wanting to cut Social Security and Medicare and called the Florida Governor a wheelchair over the cliff kind of guy. Wheelchair over the cliff is also how Melania will finally get rid of him.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TikTok logo and Chinese flat.]

Colin Jost: House Republicans concerned that China could use TikTok to illegally gather information on Americans, had voted for a bill that could ban the app nationwide. Replied Tiktok users…

[music playing] [Colin start pointing at random directions where the words pop up, like the TikTok trending videos. The words say “We need to storm the Capitol.”] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jill Biden.]

Michael Che: That’s how he really dances too. First lady Jill Biden said in an interview that she maintains a good balance in the types of advice she offers President Biden, but it’s mostly “Hold on to the railing.” [picture changes to Joe Biden falling on a stairs] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alex Murdaugh.]

Colin Jost: This week, South Carolina Attorney Alex Murdaugh was found guilty of murder and also found guilty of looking like Will Ferrell dressed as Conan O’Brien.

Weekend Update- Sarah’s News (Birthday Edition)

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Well, usually this doesn’t go well for me, but since it’s her birthday in three days, we decided to let her do it here, is Sarah Sherman with the Sarah News.

[Cut to Sarah News intro] [cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Colin. I promise you won’t regret it.

Colin Jost: I’m sure not.

Sarah Sherman: In Sarah News, this week. I’m finally turning 30, or as Collin calls it “15 years too old.”

Colin Jost: Come on. No.

Sarah Sherman: What? When I invited you to my birthday party, you RSVP’ed “I’m not gonna be there unless it’s a Quinceañera.”

Colin Jost: I don’t go to Quinceañeras.

Sarah Sherman: Oh really? Hah. This just in, Colin Jost refuses to celebrate Hispanic culture.

In science news, NASA engineers preparing for a trip to Mars recently sent a team of researchers to the driest place on Earth. Said my boyfriend, “Hey, get out of my girlfriend’s underwear.” Good luck down there boys. We salute you.

Colin Jost: All right. Do you do you have any real news Sarah?

Sarah Sherman: Of course. In real news, the US is facing a threat from a highly intelligent breed of pig dubbed the super pig, which is funny because “Super Pig” is also what Colin writes on my dressing room mirror anytime he catches me eating without his permission.

Colin Jost: I don’t give you permission to eat.

Sarah Sherman: I know. Me and all the other girls are starving, Colin. Can you hear my stomach gurgling?

Colin Jost: Actually, yes, I can. Often. Do you have like a stomach issue or something?

Sarah Sherman: No, I’m just Jewish, Colin, which isn’t a disease despite what you wrote in your book.

Colin Jost: That’s chapter one? Come on.

Sarah Sherman: In other news, just three weeks After a chemical train derailment, officials now say the water in East Palestine is safe to drink. Yeah, about as safe as any cocktail Colin gets me at an after party. Every time I come back from the bathroom, my drink is fizzing like a science fair volcano.

Colin Jost: My family watches this show!

Sarah Sherman: Colin, seriously, stop trying to lift up the bottom of my pant leg with your bare feet.

Colin Jost: I’m wearing shoes.

Sarah Sherman: Shoes don’t have toenails, Colin. In other news, I just found out that Peacock is streaming every episode of Colombo, featuring God’s gift to women Peter Falk. Oh my god, Hachi mochi, an old guy with a loose eyeball and resting cigar face? Honey, maybe he can solve the mystery of my sopping wet chair. Get to the high grounds, the levy is broken and the city is flooded.

Colin Jost: Absolutely disgusting. Well, Sara, it is your birthday. So we’ve decided to get you a very Sarah style birthday cake. [someone brings in the cake] Happy birthday.

Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Colin. And by the way, thank you so much for the card you made me, Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh, I don’t remember writing a card.

Sarah Sherman: Go ahead. Read your birthday message to me that you wrote.

Colin Jost: Oh. Sarah, too bad you can’t eat this cake since you failed weigh in. Sarah Sherman, everyone. Happy Birthday. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day on Their 2023 Oscars Predictions

Colin Jost

Punkie Johnson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the Oscars are almost here. Here to break down the nominees and all things Hollywood are Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day.

[Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day slide in]

Punkie Johnson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: All right, guys. So what can we expect from this year’s Oscars?

Mikey Day: Well, Colin, I’d love to tell you. But when Punkie and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punkie, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers.

Punkie Johnson: This is true. She doesn’t even know their names really. Here are some examples. And these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punkie called Tony Hawk “Tony Hawking” to his face.

Colin Jost: So Punkie you confuse the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius physicist Stephen Hawking.

Punkie Johnson: I mean, look, they bold white men with wheels. So I mean-

[Michael Che laughing]

Mikey Day: But the best thing that has ever happened was a few weeks ago when Punkie told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein.

Colin Jost: And who is Rick Bernstein?

Mikey Day: That is what I said.

Punkie Johnson: Well, so I said it’s the guy with the jeans. Duh.

Mikey Day: The guy with the jeans. I eventually figured out that Punkie was referring to living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein.

Punkie Johnson: Alright, look. I grew up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. That dude do wasn’t big in my house. So sue a bitch.

Mikey Day: So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it’d be more fun to play a game we call “Who does punky mean?” Are you down to play?

Colin Jost: I feel like I don’t have a choice.

Mikey Day: Right. Everyone, you can play along. It’s super fun. Number one, Punkie referred to this celebrity as Claire Blankenship. Claire Blankenship.

Colin Jost: I don’t know. Claire Danes maybe?

Mikey Day: Okay, let’s see. Is it Claire Danes? No. It’s Anne Hathaway.

Punkie Johnson: Time out, time out.

Mikey Day: That really happened.

Punkie Johnson: No. Put the picture back up. Okay, I’m sorry, but does this bitch not look like a Claire?

Mikey Day: Okay. She does. That’s fair. You’re right. Number two. Zoey Dechanaise. Who does punky mean? Tell me what you’re thinking, Colin.

Colin Jost: I am thinking that this one has to be Zoey Deschanel.

Mikey Day: Okay, lock it in. Is Zoe Deshanaise Zoey Deschanel? Nope. Zoe Kravitz.

Punkie Johnson: Wait. No. All right, okay. All right look, see what happened was I’m getting my makeup done for the show because you know I gotta look good for Nor Michaels.

Colin Jost: Nor Michaels?

Punkie Johnson: Anyway, I see Zoe walk past and I say, “Ay, don’t I know you?”

Mikey Day: Yes, you did because she was hosting this show. That happened that week.

Punkie Johnson: My bad, Ms. Dachanese.

Mikey Day: Okay, last one. Here we go. Patrick Dempsey.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think there’s no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I’m gonna say Patrick Stewart.

Mikey Day: Okay. No, she actually did mean Patrick Dempsey. She knows Patrick Dempsey.

Punkie Johnson: You’re damn right. I do know Mr. Dempsey. Dr. Derek Shepherd, baby.

Colin Jost: You’re a fan of Grey’s Anatomy?

Punkie Johnson: Hell, yeah. I love every show Bobby Rhimes.

Colin Jost: You mean Shonda Rhimes?

Punkie Johnson: No, I think you mean Busta Rhymes.

Colin Jost: No. Punkie and Mikey, everyone.

Weekend Update- Puerto Rico’s Only Zoo Closes, Man Plans to Turn Jail into Airbnb

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Emmy’s Awards logo.]

Colin Jost: As this year’s award season gets underway, there’s growing movement to get rid of the gendered categories of Best Actor and Best Actress, and instead call them “Best Actor and Best actor who got paid less.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says, “Man turning jail into AirB&B.”]

Michael Che: A man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an Airbnb rental, which will make it the first jail that refuses to accept black people.

[picture changes to Puerto Rico map]

It was announced that Puerto Rico’s only zoo is closing after years of alleged animal neglect. Worse, the zoo’s closing is being advertised as “All of you can eat.”

[Ct to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a lizard.]

Colin Jost: Biologists in Florida are warning that the Jesus Christ lizard named for its ability to run on water could spread harmful diseases to humans. They hope to control the population by introducing a punctious pilot lizard.

[picture changes to James Bond books]

It was reported that the James Bond books are being rewritten to remove offensive material. So the character Pussy Galore will now be called Cooter Aplenty.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Disneyland.]

Michael Che: A California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days, but still no sign of his kid.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Married men live longer lives”.]

A new study- I tried to plow right through. A new study finds that married men live a longer, healthier life. Yeah, but for what?

[Picture changes to an article that says “Porn star’s broken penis turns black”.]

A porn star in Australia revealed that while recently filming a new movie, he broke his penis and he’s really sad now, he who broke his penis and said it went completely black, which you know means it’s never going back. The man has adjusted to his new black penis by filming all his sex scenes in timberlands. [Picture changes to Timberland boots.] It’s really sad. Iit’s really sad.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on monday]

Colin Jost: A new trend among younger workers is “Bare Minimum Monday” in which they do as little as possible on the first day of the workweek. While a new trend among World War II veterans is realizing their sacrifice meant nothing.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Clam found born same year as Lincoln.”]

Michael Che: Fishermen in Florida have discovered a 214 year old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln. The clam credits his longevity to stand away from the theater.

You never know, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Cardi B and McDonald’s logo.]

Colin Jost: Some owners of McDonald’s franchises are reportedly concerned about a campaign partnership with Cardi B, especially the ad where they claim their burgers have a wet ass Patty.

Weekend Update- Dilbert on Scott Adams’ Racist Rant

Dilbert… Michael Longfellow

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Newspapers around the country are dropping beloved comic strip Dilbert after its creator Scott Adams went on a racist rant last week advocating for white people to get the hell away from black people. Off the record, he’s got a point. Here to comment- That’s what the card says. Here to comment is Dilbert.

[Dilbert slides in] [cheers and applause]

Dilbert: Hey, Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Dilbert. So had you ever seen this side of Scott Adams before?

Dilbert: Michael, I think I can speak for myself and the entire all white staff at the Dilbert offices when I say this was a total shock. I mean, most cartoonists are weird, but racist weird? Let’s just say I didn’t see that memo. Right? Memos? Work is boring, but it can be- It can be funny too. That’s kind of my thing.

Michael Che: So you just thought Scott was weird?

Dilbert: No, I knew he was bad. He made me go into the office every single day during COVID and he knows I’m auto immune.

Michael Che: You’re auto immune?

Dilbert: Do I look like somebody who’s not auto immune? Yes, I’m a real athlete. My hair is skin, Michael.

Michael Che: Your hair skin?

Dilbert: Yes. I cannot stress this enough. My hair is entirely skin. And it has been the great tragedy of my life.

Michael Che: I’m very sorry.

Dilbert: No, I’m sorry, Michael, for racism. Maybe I was just blind to it. I mean, my glasses are literally opaque white. But to me, he was just Scott, the funny guy. The Trump supporting cartoonist who did magic in his spare time, had a great Kevin Hart impression.

Michael Che: Well, that sounds like a racist to me.

Dilbert: Well, it turns out he was a racist. And I’m his prize creation. I mean, what does that make me? I wanted answers. So I took a god forbid personal day and really started to dig in on the concept of what is work, right? Reading Karl Marx, Stokely Carmichael, lots of the black radicals.

Michael Che: What?

Dilbert:  And I realized something. Even mundane work serves to uphold a capitalist system built to maintain a racial hierarchy. But that’s all about to change. Race war’s coming. You ready, Michael?

Michael Che: What?

Dilbert: Are you ready because Dilbert is ready. I woke up this morning ready to take the streets and paint the city with a blood of the white man.

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s pretty intense, man.

Dilbert: Yeah, I had a cup of coffee. And Michael, like I always say, “Don’t even talk to me before my coffee.”

Michael Che: Dilbert, everybody.

Dilbert: This could have been an email.

Travis Kelce Monologue

Travis Kelce

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Travis Kelce.

[Travis Kelce walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Travis Kelce: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so very much. It’s great to be here. And if you don’t know I just won my second Super Bowl. [cheers and applause] Oh, man. Which was amazing. But for me hosting SNL is that much better to me. I’m lying to you all. I’m lying. I’m kidding. Winning the Super Bowl was way better. But seriously, seriously, I’m honored that SNL asked me to host. I was nervous about doing a monologue. But then I remembered I’m actually pretty good with words. I’m pretty good with words like during games, I do these super eloquent pump-up speeches for my teammates. Please watch.

[cut to a video where Travis Kelce is yelling “More, more, more” to his teammates.] [cut back to the stage]

And sometimes I even do it in my Pat Mahomes voice. More, more, more. Do it, Kels, do it.

Probably the coolest thing about this Super Bowl is that my whole family was there. I got to play against my brother Jason who is an eagle. And my mom was on TV more than both of us.

My mom, dad and brother are all here tonight.  [cheers and applause] You know, people keep asking me “What it was like to beat my brother in the Superbowl?” And it was pretty awkward. Especially because after the game, we had to ride home together. Our mom drove us there in her minivan. Just like the good old days. But even though his team lost after being up 10 points at half, my brother is actually really happy for me. [cut to his brother who looks very sad] And he agrees that the ref made the right call. It was a holding.

Jason and I have actually been playing football together since we were little kids, and he was always better than me at everything. In high school, he was an honors student and I got kicked off the team because I failed French, and English too. But French sounds way better. And then when we were in college, I actually got kicked off the team because I tested positive for marijuana. So it just goes to show you if you smoke weed and you’re bad at school, you can win the Super Bowl twice.

This isn’t my first time hosting a TV show. I actually had my own dating show on E called Catching Kelce. It was kind of like the Bachelor, except instead of roses I handed out footballs, and instead of watching, people did not. Which was a little embarrassing, but I have to say I got pretty good at reality TV. Like, check this one out.

[Cut to clip from the show Catching Kelce]

Right? Right? That show is owned by NBC Universal, so it should be on Peacock. But Peacock said, “No, we good.” [now his brother is laughing hard and clapping] I knew something would make him smile. But really, but really, it’s cool to be here. I grew up watching SNL with my mother. I love Ferrell, the Sandman, Chris Farley and to be standing on this stage, pretty surreal. And tonight I’m gonna give it everything I got. As wise man once said, “More, more, more and more.” We got a great show for you tonight. Kelsea Ballerini is here.

Stick around, you don’t want to miss this one.

Too Hot to Handle

Dom… Devon Walker

Izzy… Ego Nwodim

Glen… Chloe Fineman

Rodney… Travis Kelce

Female voice: Welcome back to too hot to handle, where the actions are all the place, but the premise is simple. Abstain from physical intimacy and you’ll win 200 Gs. Can you believe Netflix has made five seasons of this?

Lana: Good evening, everyone.

No: Hi, Lana.

Lana: I introduced the ground rules of this retreat just 24 hours ago.

Dom: And we’ve been so good, Lana. Me and Izzy haven’t even done nothing.

Izzy: Even though Dom is proper fit, yeah.

Sarah: We haven’t even done hand stuff, and I always do hand stuff.

Bowen: But it’s all gonna be worth it to win this 200 grand.

Lana: Unfortunately, that won’t be happening. Last night there was a rule break costing the villa $3,000.

All: No.

James: [pointing at Dom and Izzy] It was them two, wasn’t it?

Lana: Actually, it was a kiss shared between Rodney and Glen Bechamel.

Glen: Oh, sorry guys. I tried not to kiss Rodney. But then I wanted to. So I did. Guess I’m kind of wild like that.

Izzy: Wait, Rodney. You hooked up with Glenn?

Rodney: I know. We lost the prize money.

James: Yeah, that’s not why we’re shocked.

Izzy: You could have smoked anyone and you went with Glenn.

Rodney: It’s not my fault. There’s something about her. [Glen farts] Listen to her voice.

Glen: Sorry, I had to sneeze.

Lana: There was another rule break last night costing the group $20,000.

All: No.

Lana: It was heavy petting in the grill area between Rodney and Glen Bechamel.

Glen: Sorry.

Rodney: I’m sorry. I’ve just never met anyone like Glen. She’s so unpredictable.

Glen: Rodney made ribs and I let him use my body as a napkin. It doesn’t matter. I picked 16 of these shirts. Rodney told me not to touch the grill. I did it anyway.

Izzy: Okay, maybe this is more of a question for producers but like why is Glenn even here?

Glen: Cuz I’m a horned up single like you guys. I had sex eight times, but who’s counting? Me. I always count, except calories. You are what you eat, so I guess I’m Rodney’s ass.

Rodney: I hope you guys aren’t jealous.

Bowen: No, I’m actually numb from the waist down.

Dom: Glen is so weird and old.

Glen: Actually I’m 28 and I’ve just been through hell.

Lana: Another rule break is happening now.

[Glen is kissing Rodney’s hand]

James: What are they even doing?

Sarah: She’s kissing his arm like she’s gnawing on corn.

Izzy: Is this even a rule break?

Lana: Technically no, but it makes me feel insane. so I’m draining the prize fund. Someone unplug me.

Glen: I guess I’m kind of wild like that.

Straight Male Friend

Carson… Bowen Yang

All: Cheers!

Carson: Like most gay men, I have a lot of straight female friends and I love my girls. They can be a lot. Both financially-

Chloe: Wait, Carson, you’re coming to Tulum, right?

Carson: You know it, sis. And emotionally.

Heidi: Tulum is where Dylan and I were supposed to go before we broke.

Carson: Oh, I’m so sorry babe. As much as these girls mean to me, sometimes I need a break. And that’s when I discovered straight male friend.

Travis: What’s up? [playing video game] Yo, watch me head chop this bitch. Boom to the doom.

Carson: Amazing. Street male friend is a low effort low stakes relationship that requires no emotional commitment, no financial investment and other than the occasional video game related outburst-

Travis: [raging] Oh man, this game’s stupid.

Carson: No drama.

Travis: Yo, you want to grow your wings?

Carson: If I didn’t check in with my gal pals every day or two, it would turn into a whole thing. That’s never an issue with straight male friends. Hang out with them as little or as much as you want. It won’t affect the friendship at all. Watch this. Hey, I might be moving to Europe for seven years.

Travis: Dope. Just hit me when you’re back.

Carson: Straight male friend is easy. And even he’s having a rough time emotionally, he’ll never bring me into it. [to Travis] You okay? seem a little upset.

Travis: Man. My dad died last week.

Carson: Oh.

Travis: But it’s alright, you know? Try this wings?

Carson: Straight male friend isn’t perfect and may ask blunt questions about your sex life.

Travis: So like, do gay guys like when a guy has a big one? Or is it kind of like a bad thing?

Carson: Depends on the guy. But he’s only asking because he’s honestly curious. There’s something sweet about that. Does straight male friend provide the same deep rewarding relationship I have with my girls? No. Does straight male friend know my last name? No. And that’s kind of the beauty of it. But if you are missing a little drama, just say this. I bet I’m faster than you.

Travis: Dog. Bro, for real? You think you’re faster than me? I will go outside on the street and dust your ass right now. Let’s go, come on. Come on.

Carson: So if you’re a gay man who needs a break, come discover the casual low effort friendship gay women have known about for years. Straight male friend.

Travis: Yo, sorry about being a pussy about my dad dying earlier, man. That won’t happen again.

Male voice: Straight male friend, available everywhere. Except therapy.

Please Don’t Destroy – Self-Defense

Kurt lightning… Travis Kelce

John: Dude, where are our coffees? Wasn’t an intern supposed to grab them?

Ben: Let me check. Looks like they said we don’t get coffee’s for little bitch boys.

John: Again?

Ben: I mean, come on, man? Are we little bitch boys?

John: Guys, we need to learn how to stick up for ourselves.

Ben: We can’t keep getting bullied by interns.

John: I think I know someone who can help us.

Kurt Lightning: I’m Kurt lightning. And I know why you all signed up for my class. You’re searching for confidence. The confidence of not only knowing you can defend yourself, but that you’re somebody worth defending. Say it with me, I am worth it.

All: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Say it’s like you mean it.

All: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Feel it. You, get up here. What’s your name, son?

John: John.

Kurt Lightning: Oh, John. I can hear it in your voice. You feel small, don’t you son?

John: Yes.

Kurt Lightning: You got to own it, son. Own your truth.

John: I feel small.

Kurt Lightning: But you’re not small. Put your hands up. I am going to strike. And when I strike you deflect. And I want you to hit me back. And when you do, imagine I’m the voice in your head telling you “You aren’t worth it.” Because what are you?

John: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Now, are you ready?

John: I am ready.

[Kurt Lightning punches John so hard, he is knocked out on the floor]

Kurt Lightning: Woo-hoo. Too slow, fasto. Who’s next?

Ben: John? Are you okay? [to Kurt Lightning] Why did you do that to him?

Kurt Lightning: You’re next.

Ben: No, no, I don’t want to-

Kurt Lightning: Why are you so afraid, son?

Ben: You punched my friend and I’m worried he’s dead.

Kurt Lightning: That’s not it. You’re afriaid that your father was right.

Ben: I don’t want to talk about him.

Kurt Lightning: Well, that’s not an option. Because your father was wrong.

Ben: Kurt, please.

Kurt Lightning: You are a man and I need you to tell him that.

Ben: But how?

Kurt Lightning: Close your eyes.

[Kurt Lightning punches Ben so hard, now he is also knocked out on the floor]

Martin: Oh!

Kurt Lightning: Didn’t stand a chance, bucko! He really closed his eyes. [everyone is laughing]

Martin: Is this what the class is?

Kurt Lightning: You’ve been scared your whole life.

Martin: Oh, no.

Kurt Lightning: You lost your mother at a young age.

Martin: That didn’t happen.

Kurt Lightning: Because your father wasn’t there to protect her.

Martin: You’re making stuff up, man.

Kurt Lightning: But I’m here to show you that a man can defend the ones he loves. I want you to punch this woman right here. [there’s an old lady standing beside him]

Martin: No way.

Kurt Lightning: And I will deflect your strike.

Martin: Okay, but why are we doing this?

Kurt Lightning: I want to show you a real man defends the woman he loves.

Martin: Right, but you’re positive that you will block.

Kurt Lightning: Absolutely.

Martin: Because if I hit this woman, she will die.

Kurt Lightning: Punch her or I’m gonna punch you.

Martin: Okay, you got it.

[The old lady blocks the punch]

Old lady: Nice try, bitch.

Martin: Oh my god.

[Old lady throws Martin hard]

Kurt Lightning: Oh, Shally, you did that damn thing.

[a revolver falls out of Martin’s pants]

John: Martin, a revolver fall out of your pants? Why do you have this?

Martin: Because I live in fear. What do you think of in this class?

Old lady: Give me that. [throws all the bullet away except one] You want to play a game?

John: What? Russian Roullette?

Old lady: Ha-ha-ha. Feeling lucky, slick?

John: Come on, don’t do it.

[Ben throws the old lady to the shelf]

Ben: Are you okay? Oh my god.

[Kurt Lightning starts clapping. Everybody starts clapping.]

Kurt Lightning: Great work guys. You finally stood up for yourself.

Martin: What the hell are you talking about?

Kurt Lightning: I think somebody owes you some coffees.

[the interns walk in with coffees]

Ben: What? The interns?

Intern: Hey guys, after you shove that old lady into the trophy case, I finally respect you.

Ben: Thanks, guys.

[Kurt Lightning hits all three of them and they all fall]

Intern: And here’s your coffee. [they throw coffee on their faces]

Mama’s Funeral

Travis: I’m very honored to be here today, as we fondly remember mother, grandmother and lover, Miss Glenda. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Dylan. I was Glenda’s nurse and we had an intimate loving relationship in her final months.

Kenan: Wait. Mama started dating him?

Punkie: Well, good for you, Mama. That man is a fine.

Travis: I know how important Glenda was to you all, so I organized and funded this home going service in her honor. Now if you knew Glenda, you knew she was a free spirit.

Kenan: Yeah, what do you mean by that?

Travis: So I thought she would be laid to rest how we all knew her. Tada.

[Travis pulls the curtain. Glenda is there with a cigarette in her hips and bottle of soda in her hand.]

Kenan: What the hell is this?

Punkie: This white boy got our dead mama sitting up.

Travis: Yes, yes, I do. Shades on, world out, puffing on the menthol. That’s my Glinda.

Devon: How could you do this to her? She looks crazy.

Punkie: Well, at least he got it in a nice shirt.

Travis: Um-hmm, that’s Glenda. Little mom always Boolean. You know what hit different when they in the nightgown. Now, I’d like to open the floor to friends and family so they can share a few words in Glinda’s memory.

Kenan: Alright ,yeah. You know what? I’m not gonna let Vanillasaurus Rex over here ruin my mom a funeral. She was a good mama. Taught me everything I knew. She was strong.

[Travis is slurping soda from Glenda’s hand]

Stop it! She had a smile for every stranger and a story for every occasion. I swear, it’s like I can almost hear her voice now.

[Travis play a recording of Glenda]

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you’re letting out the good air.

Kenan: Hold on, that the-

Glenda’s recording: Don’t you embarrass me in front of these white people.

Travis: Don’t, right? They rigged her up, put a speaker in her. And all of her favorite sayings are right there.

Glenda’s recording: JJ acted stuck up because he got that small headed white girlfriend with him.

Sarah: Me? My head isn’t small.

Devon: Wait, you programmed her to say that?

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you let- let- let-

Travis: Oh, she’s stuck. I got this.

[Travis blows on her head]

Glenda’s recording: Letting all the good air out.

Kenan: Hey, man. You just blowed on my mama head like she was a Nintendo cartridge?

Travis: Let’s just move on. Glenda didn’t want this to be a sad service. DJ Roscoe, hit it.

[music playing] [Glenda’s body is also dancing a bit]

Go ahead, Ms. Glenda. With your bad self.

Devon: Yo, you put hydraulics on my grandma?

Kenan: What the hell is wrong with you?

Travis: Hey, I spent $30,000 on this. And that’s every penny that she had. And I’ll be damned if I spend it in vain. Now y’all are gonna sit back and watch your mama go to heaven.

[Glenda’s chair starts throwing smoke like a rocket]

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you’re letting out the good air.