Weekend Update LaVar Ball on His Son LaMelo Ball

Michael

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael: We are almost halfway through the NBA season and the front runner for the Rookie of the Year is point guard LaMelo Ball. Here to comment is his outspoken father, LaVar Ball.

[LaVar slides in]

LaVar: How you doing, Michael? Me, I’m incredible!

Michael: Well, that’s good to hear. We haven’t seen you in a while, man. I was worried with all this covid stuff that you might not be okay.

LaVar: Man, I’m perfect. I already got 10 shots of each vaccine. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson, and my own home remedy – the Val Tricks. It cures herpes brought on by the covid-19, AKA, the macoroni virus.

Michael: I don’t know about that, but it’s been a good year for you. LaMelo is playing really well. Your son.

LaVar: You’re damn right, he is. And he’s playing for the story franchise in all the basketball, the Charlotte Hornets. Charlotte, North Carolina, the regional bacon capital of the world. Gateway to gastonia. No mountains. No oceans. But enough humidity to make your balls sticky as taffy.

Michael: So, you think LaMelo is going to win ‘Rookie of the Year’?

LaVar: Oh, he’s got all the awards locked up. ‘Rookie of the Year’, locked up. ‘MVP’, locked up. ‘Pretty as hog at the Mecklenburg couty fair’, lockedu p. That means he has some good ass bacon. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael: MVP? What about LeBron or Giannis Antetokounmpo?

LaVar: Man, don’t you talk to me about no Yana-gasa-ka-chu-chu. LaMelo has got this. And after he has won, he’s gonna unite both north and south Carolina into a Super Carolina called “Carolasis”. “Carolasis”, monster of the south. Second cousin to Mothra. Never lost to Godzilla. Never to the Zilla.

Michael: It looks like it’s all coming together.

LaVar: It sure is, Michael. LaMelo is the queen of Charlotte. My other boy Lanzo is Baren of the Bio. LiAngelo is a G-league superstar. And I got a fourth son who’s tearing up the Australian league, LaDingo.

Michael: LaDingo?

LaVar: Yeah. He’ll dunk on you and steal your baby.

Michael: Well, with all your success, I was surprised you’re not cashing all your Big Baller brand.

LaVar: Oh, no, no. I am. I am. Introducing the newest Big Baller shoes, specially designed by LaMelo right in the Carolinas, presenting the Caro-melos. [pulls out a shoe shapes chocolate]

Michael: Is that a chocolate shoe?

LaVar: Yes, indeed. Now you can jump 30 feet in the air while your feet are covered in sweet. Coco-dego-dogo-dogoses. But that’s not all. [Michael Che laughing hard] What’s the matter, Mike? That’s not all. Every pair of Caro-melos comes with Caro-melo side. Look at this. [pulls out a cookie dipped in caramel from inside the shoe] It’s chocolate, caramel, nougat and it features Alexa. Alexa! What’s America’s top high performance edible footware?

Alexa: The 2021 Cara-melos. Never lost.

LaVar: Oh. Alexa, you’re a bad mama-jama. So, pick yourself a pair. $2,000, seven month wait list, available exclusively on my cell phone between the hours of three and six PM mountain time. Never lost.

Michael: LaVar Ball, everybody.

Weekend Update Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene on Science

Colin Jost

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene cause more controversy this week after she put up a sign outside the office of a congresswoman with a trans daughter that read –  “There are two genders, male and female. Trust the science.” Here to comment is Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene slides in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hello, Colin. Oh, I think I sat on a gun. [pulls out a gun] Is this mine or your’s?

Colin Jost: I think you know it’s your’s.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s mine. Okay.

Colin Jost: Well, you’ve only been in office a few weeks and you’ve already making a lot of news.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I know. You know what? They’re calling me congress’s new IT girl.

Colin Jost: IT, like the new thing?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No. IT, like the evil clown that prays on children.

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Well, why did you put up that sign outside your office?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Because we have to trust the sience. [Showing her t-shirt that says “Trust the sience”, that has ‘science’ misspelled.] You know me, I’m a sience person. I love sience. I’m always talking sience. Okay? Unless that sience is about climate change, coronavirus, space lasers, evolution, the metric system, the rhythm method, breastfeeding, living on Mars, Jesus’s skin color or Santa’s skin color. By the way, which is white. You see, sience teaches us that there are two genders because our bodies are made by god in a certain way. Okay? For women, it’s milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made. Okay? And for boys, it’s big hairy chest just like King Kong, crack in the butt, two balls ding dong.

Colin Jost: This is what science–

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s sience!

Colin Jost: That’s what science teaches you?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, that’s sience. We’re all endowed with traditional gender roles, okay? I’m a woman. So, it’s my job to bully, threaten and fight my female colleagues. Sience has called this cat fight and it’s what girls do.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m not sure. I’m not sure.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, you think I’m just crazy, right? Yeah, well, I’m not. Sorry, Colin. I have to sneeze. [sneezes like crazy] I’m sorry. Allergies.

Colin Jost: That was a sneeze?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, yes. See, when I was a little girl, I sneezed once and nobody said “Bless you”. So, a demon got in. Excuse me. [sneezes like crazy again] Sorry. Colin, I can’t help it. I’m a fighter. Okay? I have a boombastic personality. I fight the democrats. I fight the socialists. I fight traumatized teenagers walking on the street alone. I fight my own hair every morning with a flat iron and a bottle of aquinet. I mean, hell, I fight my own party. Those republicans and congress scissored me.

Colin Jost: I think you mean censored.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, that’s lesbian stuff.

Colin Jost: Okay, no. I think you got the words mixed up. And instead of picking fights, maybe you should be focused on things like the covid relief bill?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: The who what now? Hey, did you hear they are trying to cancel Mr. Potatohead?

Colin Jost: No.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yeah! The woke radical liberal just won’t him be proud of his big old god given potato penis. But oh, I’m the crazy one.

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s the issue. And is that really a priority for a congress woman?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Look, all I’m saying is that if Mr. Potatohead is allowed to marry another Mr. Potatohead, I’ll kill myself. Is that so crazy?

Colin Jost: Yes, that’s crazy. Marjorie Taylor Greene, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.

Weekend Update House Passes Bidens Stimulus Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of capitol at left top corner.]

Well, just like me when I’m drunk, congress decided to spend a bunch of money in 2:30 in the morning. They passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus bill and republicans are calling it a liberal wishlist. But I don’t know. I think a liberal wishlist would be avocado toast with Chrissy Teigen, free college for pets, and a hiphop musical about Anderson Cooper starring Lin-Manuel Miranda. Senator Lindsay Graham said he’s very pleased that the bill will not include and increase to the minimum wage because over the years, Graham has actually grown to love the taste of fast food worker spit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Thune at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator John Thune said he opposed $15 minimum wage because he used to get by on six bucks an hour as a young man. But that was like, 40 years ago when rent was like a dollar and everybody had one porno tape. See, this is why democrats never get stuff done. You keep leaving it to a vote and taking no for an answer. When republicans lose a vote, the storm the Capitol. Why can’t y’all get that mad? Say what you will about a guy in a viking helmet taking a dump in Nancy Pelosi’s desk, but he will not be ignored.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, Donald Trump will give the keynote address at the conservative political action conference. For a preview of Trump’s speech, give your grandpa cocaine.

[picture changes to Ted Cruz]

Senator Ted Cruz who’s always the kill in F Mary Kill, he taped his half hour special at the CPAC this week. Here’s just a sample of his killer set.

[Cut to Ted Cruz’s special clip]

Ted Cruz: I gotta say, Orlando is awesome. It’s not as nice as Cancun.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. Stop. You don’t do that. No. You are not in on the joke. It is not for you to enjoy. Also, what grown man yells “Orlando is awesome”? If you hear a grown man yell “Orlando is awesome”, you should probably check his hard drive.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Biden administration is hoping to persuade more black people to get vaccinated by setting up vaccination sites in churches. And I’m sure Biden means well, but that is such an old white guy idea. You know the idea started with the words, “Hey, you know what those people love?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “First commercial to show lactating breasts”.]

Colin Jost: During the Golden Globes this Sunday, a new commercial will air that will be the first to ever show lactating breasts on television. Unfortunately, those breasts belong to the green M&M.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The FDA has authorized a vaccine from New Jersey based company Johnson&Johnson. Johnson&Johnson will now pair the vaccine with needles from New Jersey’s number one syringe supplier, the beach.

Weekend Update Frasier Revival Muppet Show Warning

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture lf Kelsey Grammer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Kelsey Grammer announced that he will star in a revival of Frasier. For those of you too young to remember, Frasier was the show that made F.R.I.E.N.D.S. look black.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an airplane at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An American Airlines pilot reported that during a flight over New Mexico, he saw a long cylinder object come close to his plane. “Sorry, that was just our engine”, said United.

[Picture changes to a boat]

A sailor who fell overboard survived for 14 hours in a Pacific ocean by floating on a large piece of garbage. “Sorry, that was our other engine”, said United.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disney’s Muppet Show logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Disney+ has placed a disclaimer in front of old episodes of the Muppet Show warning viewers that it features offensive content. I just want to ask, who’s about to watch Muppets, sees a warning about graphic content and doesn’t watch it? If anything, you’d be like, “I got to see this episode of the Muppets. Did Gonzo finally have sex with the chicken?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study shows that the coronavirus lowered the average life expectancy for black Americans by nearly three years. In fact the coronavirus is so deadly to black Americans, it’s being suspended with pay.

[picture changes to Peter Luger logo]

New York City Steak House Peter Luger has partnered with Madame Tussauds to filling it’s dining room with wax figures of celebrities during the pandemic. So now, you can enjoy your steak with Jimmy Fallon, or have a dessert with Audrey Hepburn, or have a drink with, oh no, Bill Cosby?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Greece at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers have discovered a piece of 20 million year old petrified wood on the Greek island of Lesbos. They knew it was from Lesbos because it’s double ended.

[picture changes to a Jeep]

You’re not gonna like this. The chief of the Cherokee Nation is calling on car maker Jeep to stop using the tribe’s names on it’s vehicles. So, Jeep has agreed to change the name to, wow, the Aunt Jemima mobile.

Vaccine Game Show Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

Jane F. … Heidi Gardner

Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villseñor

Ronald… Bowen Yang

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping] [cheers and applause]

Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.

[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]

Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.

[cheers and applause]

Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?

Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.

[cheers and applause]

Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.

[cheers and applause]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–

Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–

Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–

Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.

[cheers and applause]

Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.

Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.

Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–

Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?

Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.

Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?

Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.

Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?

[Jane F. leaves]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.

[Kendall Frye walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.

Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.

Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.

Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.

Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.

Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?

Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.

Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.

Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow!

[Kendall Frye walks out]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.

[cheers and applause]

Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?

Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.

Melissa: You don’t know?

Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.

Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?

Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.

[cheers and applause]

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.

[cheers and applause]

Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.

Andrew Cuomo: You win.

Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.

Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?

Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.

Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?

Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?

Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.

Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?

Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?

Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?

Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.

Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!

Seymour Foreman: Oh no!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

PostCOVID Dating

Kate McKinnon

Guy piano… Andrew Dismukes

Nick Jonas

[Starts with Suzane watching Guy piano playing piano]

Suzane: You play wonderful.

Guy piano: Thank you.

[Suzane pulls out some money from piano collection jar and walks to the bar]

Suzane: Bartender, I’ll take one more if you don’t mind and don’t be stingy with the scotch.

John: [sitting at the bar] Well, hello. I didn’t see you there.

Suzane: You still don’t. You’re looking the wrong way. I’m over here.

John: Oh, I see. There you are. I must have been looking at your reflection in that mirror over there.

Suzane: That’s not a mirror. That’s a painting of a lion with an explorer’s head in it’s mouth.

John: Ah! So it is. You’ll have to forgive me. This is my first time I’ve been out of the house since lockdown.

Suzane: Oh. Same for me. I’m not used to being out in public and I’m definitely not used to flirting with handsome men.

John: Maybe you should give it a try.

Suzane: Alright. How’s this? There are mights in your pillows and if you sleep with your mouth open, I’ll go right in there. That wasn’t good. I’m sorry.

John: No, I thought it was cute.

Suzane: Why don’t you try pickup line on me?

John: Okay. Here’s one. You have beautiful eyes but they’ll look better on my floor.

Suzane: I don’t think you said that right. Um, maybe just try making a flirty face.

John: Like this? [making funny face]

Suzane: Wow. That’s magic. Speaking of magic, would you like to see a little trick as an ice breaker?

John: I insist.

Suzane: Okay. I haven’t done this since before quarantine. So, hope I still can. Now, keep your eye on the cherry stem, alright? [puts the stem in her breasts and pulls out with small flower] I did it.

John: Wow, where did you learn that?

Suzane: Hogwarts. Kidding. Prison. Kidding. Prison. I’ve been to prison a bunch. That’s where I got these tattoos. [showing tattoos on her fists. One hand has “LOVE” and another hand has “HAT”]

John: Ah! Ran out of money before you could get to ‘E’?

Suzane: No, I just love hats. How about you? Do you know any tricks?

John: Oh no. Well, I know one. But it’s dumb.

Suzane: Oh, no, no. Show me. I want to see it. If the trick is anything like you, it must be very handsome.

John: Well, okay. Watch closely. [opens his jacket, and there’s a cat inside] That’s stupid, I didn’t even do it right.

Suzane: Oh, no. I loved it. Bartender, could we get a bowl of milk please?

Bartender: Oh, yes. Right away.

Suzane: Thank you so much. Wow. Great. [Suzane takes the bowl and drinks it herself] I like you

John: I like you. Would you care to dance?

Suzane: I thought you’d never ask.

[Suzane stands and starts dancing]

John: No, I mean with me.

Suzane: Oh. [laughing] I don’t know. It’s been so long since I’ve done anything like that. What song would we dance to?

John: Hey, piano guy!

Guy piano: My name is Guy Piano!

John: Sorry, Mr. Piano. Do you know a good song for dancing with a beautiful stranger?

Guy piano: It’s been a while since I’ve taken request. But how about this? [starts playing piano]

Suzane: Take me up at ball game. Perfect.

John: Shall we?

Suzane: Let’s go slow, okay? [Suzane and John start dancing] I’ve been hurt before. I walked into a sliding glass door.

John: Remember when they would play this at ball games?

Suzane: It’s been so long. I wonder if we remember the words.

John: [singing] Take me out to the ball game

Suzane: Put me out in the snow

Suzane and John: Buy me some peanuts and hacky snacks

John: I wonder what this thing is in on your back

Suzane and John: And it’s one, two, three, four, five, six
and that’s how numbers work

Suzane: Hey, do you think things will go back to normal? Will this beautiful bitch of a city ever be what it once was?

John: It will. I know it will. Do you believe me?

Suzane: I do. And I think I’ve fallen in love with you.

John: And I just realized I don’t even know your name.

Suzane: Ah! Suzane Johnson.

John: Hm. That’s a beautiful name.

Suzane: What’s your’s?

John: John Suzanson.

Suzane: Wow. I guess it’s fate

John: I guess it is.

Mirror Workout

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Nathan… Nick Jonas

Crissa… Heidi Gardner

Shannon… Kate McKinnon

Azuzal… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Chris and Mikey in their apartment]

Chris: So, how does this thing work again?

Mikey: It’s a workout mirror. So, the instructors are in it. You just do what they do. It’s supposed to be awesome.

Chris: Oh, that’s sick. I’m gonna get so jacked.

Mikey: Yeah. I know, man. Like, the bike, the rowing machine, the treadmill, none of that stuff worked. But this definitely will.

Chris: Well, let’s do it, man.

[Mikey turns the mirror on. Nathan appears on it.]

Nathan: What’s up? Welcome to your first mirror workout. You ready to work?

Chris and Mikey: Yeah!

Nathan: That’s what I thought. Today, we’re gonna be doing Mikey0 second interval training. We’ll be cycling through trainers. So, let’s go. Let’s do this. I’m Nathan. And you’re going to make some major gains. I’m your man.

Mikey: Yo, dude, I love this already.

Chris: We’re gonna get so yo.

[Crissa appears on the mirror.]

Crissa: And I’m Crissa, cardio queen. I’m here to make you sweat. You’re going to hate me by the end of this. But I love that.

Mikey: Oh, dude, Crissa’s gonna kick our ass. I can feel it.

Chris: Man, these people are great, man. They get me pumped up.

[Shannon appears on the mirror. She is an old woman]

Shannon: My name is Shannon Delgado. I am trapped inside of the mirror. I am in a cold black void. If you can hear me, please help me undo the curse.

Chris: What the hell was that about?

Mikey: Yeah. I don’t know, man. But Nathan’s back. Let’s do this.

Nathan: Alright, dudes. Pick up those weights. It’s bicep curls. Make sure you get a full extension. Swirl is the goal. Let’s go.

Mikey: Yo, this is tight.

Chris: It’s definitely cool. My only question is like, who is Shannon Delgado?

Crissa: Hey, ya’ll! It’s time for high-steps. I know it sucks but just remember you’re earning that guacamole later.

Mikey: Oh, dude, you know I’m a guac freak.

Chris: Oh man, you know I am too. Oh, no. She’s back.

[Shannon is standing there with paper bags full of groceries]

Shannon: Hello again, it’s me, Shannon Delgado. Here is what happened to me. I was rude to a fortune teller and now I am here. I need you to call my husband, Ron Delgado, and tell him not to get remarried. I don’t have much time. I am being watched.

Chris: Okay, now she’s got her stuff with her. I’m kind of worried about Shannon Delgado, man.

Mikey: Yo, what I’m worried about is my gains. When’s my man Nathan coming back?

Nathan: Time for tricep kickbacks. Nathan arms, that’s what you want? You gotta do it like this. Also, pro-tip, don’t listen to Shannon Delgado. She’s a liar. Let’s go.

Chris: Wait, he can hear us?

Mikey: Dude, focus on your form.

Shannon: There’s no food in here. Sometimes they lay out a beautiful feast but it twinkles in a way that lets me know that it’s cursed. Once they gave me a beautiful meatball subs. I took a bite and I looked down and it was a rat.

[Azuzal slides in behind Shannon. He’s a guy wearing a red robe with long sharp nails.]

Azuzal: Work.

Shannon: Yes, yes. Apologies, Azuzal. Azuzal guards the gateway.

Azuzal: Work. Stretch.

Shannon: Yes, of course, Azuzal. So, just pull your arm across chest, guys.

Mikey: Oh, okay. So, she does like stretching I guess. Alright, that makes sense.

Chris: No, it doesn’t. And who is Azuzal?

Nathan: Alright. Now, it’s time for the fun stuff. We’re doing a mixtape. New move, new song. Start with me and Jason Derulo. Squads!

Mikey: Oh dude, these are tough, man. Ass to the grass, right?

Crissa: My turn. Let’s do some punches. Time to pump it up raise the glass.

Chris: I do love this.

Mikey: As long as it’s not squats, dude. I’m happy.

Shannon: [scared of Azuzal] Breathe into the stretch.

Azuzal: Work, my Shannon!

Mikey: Alright, full disclosure, man. I like Nathan and Crissa. I’m just not really feeling Shannon Delgado or Azuzal.

Chris: I’m kind of team Shannon. I hope she’s okay.

Nathan: Alright, yo. Let’s recover. Let’s roll out these shoulders. Nice.

[Shannon quietly walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Yo, Shannon Delgado is trying to get away.

Nathan: What? Oh, no. Azuzal, she’s not in her frame. Quick! She’s disobeying.

[Azuzal also walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Dude, Nathan is on Azuzal’s side.

Nathan: Alright yo, let’s take a deep breath. Roll it out, all sweaty. Praise to Azuzal. And workout done. Nice job.

Mikey: Nice, dude. I actually already feel gains.

Nathan: Y’all killed it today. Give yourselves a “Hell yeah!”

Chris and Mikey: Hell yeah!

Crissa: Give yourselves a “We freakin did it!”

Chris and Mikey: We freakin did it!

Shannon: Give yourselves “Infectus dome zu!”

Chris: A what?

Mikey: Infectus dome zu!

[lightning appears inside the apartment]

Chris: What the hell? Oh, dude! The power went out or something? What?

[Shannon is in place of Mikey now. She is standing beside Chris in the apartment.]

Shannon: It worked. It worked. I’m free. Ron, I’m coming.

[Mikey is inside the mirror now and Azuzal is behind him]

Mikey: No! No, why am I in here?

Azuzal: You are Shannon now. Work!

Home Makeover

Cara… Heidi Gardner

Steve… Kyle Mooney

Blake… Mikey Day

Jared… Nick Jonas

[Starts with show intro]

Cara: Welcome to Bachelor Home Makeover where we give single guys a fresh new lease on life by turning their drab homes into fab paz. [Steve and Blake are having fun in their apartment] This is Steve and his best friend Blake. They’re both recently separated and decided to move in together in this down town fixer upper with a ton of potential.

Steve: I say my design taste is open concept or whatever and I want a spot in the crib where I can gang. That’s how I make money right now.

Blake: Me, pretty much the same things. But also, I like to cook. So like, a kitchen is a must.

Steve: Yeah, kitchen will be tight.

Cara: I could tell these two weren’t gonna make my job easy. That’s why I enlisted the help of Jared.

Jared: Hey, Cara. I specialize in designing rented homes for single guys just like them. And I know they’re gonna love what we did.

Blake: To our new home, roomie.

Steve: Alright, let’s do it.

[Cut to revealing the apartment.]

Cara: So, are you two finally ready to see your new forever home?

[walks inside the apartment]

Blake: Yo!

Steve: This is high.

Cara: Do you love it?

Blake: It’s so bum.

Cara: Great. I’ll tell you what we did. We put up a fresh coat of stark white paint.

Jared: And we took out all that furniture you guys never used and put in this leather couch, a glass coffee table–

Cara: And a huge TV for gaming.

Blake: Yo, I got to sit on this. [sits on the sofa] This looks like the couch from–

Jared: Casting porn? That’s because it’s very similar.

Steve: It’s got like, the cup holders already built in the couch?

Cara: It does. And a tiny fridge on the side. And Blake, I know you like to eat peanuts. So, how about a little trash compartment for all your shell?

Blake: Dude! How did you guys think of that?

Jared: That’s not all we did. Steve, we know you like the move Scarface.

Steve: That’s my jam. How’d you know that?

Cara: So, we got you this framed Scarface movie poster and put it on one of the stark white wall.

Jared: And Blake, we got you a framed Rat Pack poster.

Blake: Yo, this is crazy coz I’m always saying that if I could go back to time period, it would be Rat Pat.

Cara: Well, there’s still a lot more to see. Shall we?

[cut to checking bathroom.]

Jared: Alright, so checkout your bathroom. When we first got here, you both only had one towel each.

Cara: And those were filthy.

Steve: They clean, just stained.

Jared: Now, you don’t have to worry about that because we got you four new towels.

Cara: And they’re navy blue so you don’t have to worry about stains.

Blake: That’s so smart.

Cara: And I know you hate the Dallas cowboys, so we put a Cowboys sticker inside the toile.

Blake: Yo, dude, that’s what I’m talking about.

Steve: I’m not gonna lie, that’s flago.

[checking Steve’s bedroom]

Jared: Alright, let’s look in the bedroom, guys.

Steve: Wait, how did you get the lights to be, like, purple like that?

Jared: We put in Phillips color bulbs so you can make the lights any color you want.

Steve: So, I can make it red if I have a girl over?

Jared: Exactly.

[checking the kitchen]

Cara: Now, the kitchen was fun. We took all your little ketchups and turned them into one big ketchup.

Jared: You guys also mentioned you like to cook.

Steve: That’s him. He’s the chef.

Blake: Yeah, I do a little something-something.

Jared: But we noticed the stove doesn’t work.

Blake: Oh no, it works. You just have to light it or something.

Steve: Or just leave it on.

Jared: That’s not good at all and you shouldn’t have to do that. So, we hooked you up with a brand new AirFryer.

Steve: Is that a ninja one?

Jared: It sure is.

Cara: And one last thing. We knew you guys both really like whiskey. So, the folks at Superior Wine and Spirits hooked you two up with two bottles of Jameson for your counter.

Blake: Dude! Two?

Cara: Two.

Blake: We get to keep both?

Jared: Alright guys, last but certainly not least, we built you a shelf and put some things on here we thought you might like.

Steve: Is that the Thanos glove?

Jared: Yeah.
Blake: Dude, this is crazy. Y’all nailed everything.

Steve: For real. Coz, it’s been a hard year for me. I got fired from my job for telling some jokes. But y’all did your thing on this.

Blake: Oh behalf of me and my boy, man, good looking out.

Jared: It was our pleasure.

Cara: Yeah. And, how bout enjoy your new home?

Steve: We will.

Man, I still can’t believe we live here.

Blake: Yo, when my kids stay for the weekend, they love the big TV. And the AirFryer makes my famous Tats more fire than ever.

Steve: Ay, ladies like it too. Coz I posted some pictures of new crib on the gram, got couple of prospects.

Blake: Thanks, Bachelor Home Makeover.

Steve: Y’all saved my life, yo!

Dionne Warwick Talk Show Nick Jonas Dua Lipa

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

The Weeknd… Kenan Thompson

Nick Jonas

Andrew Dismukes

Dua Lipa… Melissa Villaseñor

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s the very best. Gets it all off her chest. She’s multi-platinum and knows what’s happening. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. [cheers and applause] Welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I ask celebrities whatever I want to know. Thanks as alway to my producer and my niece, Britney.

Britney: Ay, glad to be here, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: And now, for today’s top new stories.

[music playing] [singing] I know I’ll never love this way again
Hold on, hold on

Yeah. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest, the Weeknd.

[The Weeknd walks in]

Okay, what is your whole situation?

The Weeknd: Hi, I’m a performer. Maybe you saw me at the Super Bowl.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. You gave me vertigo. Now, Mr. Weeknd, you are addicted to plastic surgery, correct?

The Weeknd: Um, no.

Dionne Warwick: When you say, “I can’t feel my face”, is that coz it’s fake now?

The Weeknd: Oh, no. The plastic surgery wasn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Okay now, here’s a question. Why are you from Canada?

The Weeknd: I don’t understand.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Okay. Alright. Thank you for participating. Wonderful. Goodbye. Take care. Yeah. [The Weeknd walks away] Alright. Fantastic. Well, my next guest is the reason all my assistants got blow outs today. Please welcome Nick Jonas.

[Nick Jonas walks in]

Nick Jonas: Thank you so much for having me.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. Explain yourself.

Nick Jonas: I’m Nick Jonas. I’m a coach on Voice.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. I have heard that you are the most boring coach even though one of the other coaches is John Legend. How is that possible?

Nick Jonas: I don’t know.

Dionne Warwick: Now, you have a song “What a man gotta do”. What’s that about? Going down town? He’s got to do it.

Nick Jonas: I can’t argue with you there.

Dionne Warwick: Now, what is ‘cake by the ocean’? Who the hell wants to eat a sandy cake?

Nick Jonas: Well, that’s my brother’s song. But some people say it’s euphemism for sex on the beach.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Well, now I like your ass. Alright.

Nick Jonas: Again, not my bag.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, now, do you and your brothers ever fight?

Nick Jonas: Sometimes.

Dionne Warwick: Could you fight Windy Williams for me?

Nick Jonas: I don’t think so.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Last question. [showing Priyanka Chopra’s photo] Your wife looks like this. Now, show us your penis.

Nick Jonas: I’m not gonna do that.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, thank you for being here. [Nick Jonas walks out] Now, Britney, I was nominated for the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. And I need enough votes to get in. Am I beating the Goo Goos?

Britney: Oh, not yet, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Foo Fighters?

Britney: Nope. No, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Kate Buzz?

Britney: You kicking her butt, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, good. I don’t have to win but I cannot lost. Okay, now for our animal segment.

[music playing] [Dionne Warwick walks towards Andrew. He is standing with a white parrot]

Andrew: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Today we’re going to–

Dionne Warwick: [singing and dancing] Keep smiling, keep shining
knowing you can always come for me
for sure, that’s what friends are for

Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat]

Yeah. Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Dua Lipa.

[Dua Lipa walks in]

Dua Lipa, now, why would you make your name nasty? That Spanish for ‘two lips’. You are hussie in disguise.

Dua Lipa: That’s just my real name. Maybe you know me from my songs.

[singing] I got no rules–

Dionne Warwick: Okay. So, here’s a question. Lil’ Yachty. A yacht is supposed to be big. If you’re a little yacht, you are simply a boat.

Dua Lipa: Don’t know the answer to that.

Dionne Warwick: Now, Windy Williams once called you Dula Pip. My last question is, should we egg her house?

Dua Lipa: Sure.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, then. We gonna take my car, baby. [passing the car keys to Dua Lipa] Alright. Thank you for coming. [Dua Lipa walks out] Alright. Our next guest, I talked to him back stage and I am okay with this.

Britney: But auntie, you weren’t good with it the last time.

Dionne Warwick: No. No, no, no. Now, I’m alright. I understand he is a very nice fan. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Hey!

Dionne Warwick: Na-na-na. Get hm out of here. He is too scary.

Britney: You said you were okay with it this time.

Dionne Warwick: Baby, I change my mind. He has got to go.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Peace. Late. [walks out]

Dionne Warwick: Much better. Audience, okay. We’re at the best part of the show. Go ahead and look under your seats. Everybody gets a–

[music playing] [singing] The moment I wake up

[The audience look under their seats]

Audience: It’s ticket to the Dionne Warwick talk show.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. See you tomorrow.

Cinderella’s Slipper

Reginald … Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Dracilla… Cecily Strong

Cinderella… Chloe Fineman

Mother… Kate McKinnon

Prince… Nick Jonas

Mouse… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the conclusion of Cinderella on Disney+ which doesn’t have commercial, so I guess you just paused it.

[Cut to the show.]

Reginald: Attention, all maidens of this dwelling. Prince charming wishes to have a word.

Melissa and Dracilla: Ooh, prince charming.

Cinderella: I wonder what he wants.

Mother: Cinderella, go to your room at once. This doesn’t concern you. You’re poor.

Dracilla: Yeah. The prince is here to see us. The evil homely step sisters.

Melissa: Men don’t want a nice, pretty blonde girl. They want loud, mean freaks.

Dracilla: Cinderella doesn’t even have a unibrow.

Cinderella: Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just go talk to the birds. They’re my real friends.

Dracilla: Uh- psycho.

[Prince walks in]

Prince: No, wait. This concerns every maiden in the kingdom. You see, I’ve fallen in love. But with whom, I do not know. Perhaps she’s here now.

Cinderella: Perhaps she is.

Mother: It couldn’t be Cinderella. That’s for sure. We keep her locked in the attic.

Reginald: Okay, well, that’s a crime. When the prince comes to visit, people usually say “Hello, my lord.” Not “We got a girl in the attic”.

Mother: But even her name is gross. Cinderella. Bleh. Wouldn’t you prefer my daughter Drusella?

[Dracilla bows, but then farts]

Prince: There’s only one way to find out how my mystery love is. You see– Oh my, the smell is really just hitting me now.

Reginald: Yes. What is that?

Dracilla: Sorry. I only eat berries and raw deer meat.

Prince: You see, I spent one magical evening with this mystery woman. And she vanished at midnight. And all that was left was this. [Reginald gives Prince a glass shoe on a pillow. The shoe is too tiny.] A glass slipper.

Mother: Hah?

Prince: What?

Mother: Nothing. It looks small.

Prince: What do you mean?

Melissa: The shoe, it’s small.

Prince: I think it’s a pretty standard women’s shoe.

Dracilla: You serious? It’s like a Monopoly token.

Prince: Huh, yeah. I guess my perspective was off because it’s sitting on a pillow. You think it’s like, a child’s shoe?

Dracilla: No. But I don’t love how casually you asked that.

Mother: It’s way too small for a child. Maybe even too small for doll. You really didn’t clock the shoe as weird at all?

Prince: But it’s glass. I thought that was weird. Reginald, is this shoe odd to you?

Reginald: I mean, I didn’t think it was my place to come in, but that shoe tiny as hell. I’m a foot man in more ways than one, but even for me, that’s a freaky little shoe.

Cinderella: Well, my feet are pretty small. They didn’t feed me enough to go through puberty.

Reginald: Yeah. But I don’t think you could even get one of your toes in this thing.

Prince: So then, who has a foot this small?

[a mouse appears]

Mouse: I does.

Prince: I’m sorry?

Mouse: I does!

Prince: The shoe is yours?

Mouse: Oh, it definitely does.

Cinderella: Oh, hurray, mouse Selina. This is wonderful news. You found your prince charming.

Mouse: Yup, I guess I does.

Mother: Dude, you banged a mouse?

Prince: What? No. We didn’t bang. I mean, we didn’t do anything. And she wasn’t a mouse. She was a human woman.

Mouse: Um, no. It was mouse. And mouse went all the way. Yeah, he dunked me in a glass of champaign and I was ready to rock.

Prince: No. No. I remember it was a woman and she ran away and her carriage turned into a pumpkin.

Mouse: Dude, I don’t know what drugs you’re on but it definitely didn’t affect your performance at all. I mean, you’d think this prince was a construction worker the way he was jack hammering.

Prince: Reginald, did I really? With a mouse? Why didn’t you stop me?

Reginald: Ay, I don’t judge. Love is love is love. You don’t think Jafar ever sprinkled some bird seed down there and let Iago go to town?

Prince: What?

Reginald: I don’t know, man. This is the stuff I’ve been thinking about.

Mouse: Oh, relax, prince. I’m totally cool. I’ll have the baby, no problemo. [showing her pregnant stomach]

Prince: Oh my god!

Mouse: It’s okay. It’s probably more like, 12 babies, but don’t worry. I’ll eat a couple of them.

Dracilla: Wait, that means those rat babies will be princes someday.

Melissa: And if we marry them, we’ll be princesses.

Dracilla: Yeah, everything’s coming up Drucilla. [farts again]

Mouse: [singing] Salacan-doo-la
Michigan-boo-la
bibidy-babidy-boo
The prince found out he boned the mouse
when he found my tiny shoe