Weekend Update- Trump Talks Coronavirus

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump held a press conference today to educate the public about the Corona virus but I’m not sure it worked because according to a new survey, 38% of Americans say they won’t drink Corona beer because it sounds like Corona virus. While the rest won’t drink it because it tastes like syphilis. Donald Trump is the worst person to possibly ease people’s fears. Trump’s whole thing is that he whips arenas into a frenzy of anger and bloodlust. Hoping Trump can calm people down is like hoping cocaine can fight insomnia. And I don’t really trust Trump on medical issues because remember, this is what he had to say about Ebola.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: This is a much different problem than Ebola. Ebola, you disintegrated. You got Ebola, that was it.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You disintegrated? Does he think that Thanos was named Ebola? Then on his way to a rally where he would meet with thousands of untested people in an enclosed space, Trump explained his plan like this.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: We’re ordering a lot of different elements of medical. As you know, they’re working as rapidly as they can. Order vaccine for the future. And with that, I think I can head out.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: You think you can head out? I’m not sure coz you didn’t tell us anything. He said, “We’re ordering different elements of medical,” which I guarantee you he thinks is fire, earth, wind and water. And now scientists estimate that the mortality rate from the Corona virus is around 2%, which sounds pretty bad, but honestly if you’d given me only a 2% chance of dying during Trump’s first term, I would have taken that in a heartbeat.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article about Corona virus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Man, I don’t want to make jokes about this Corona virus. And not because it’s too sad but because I don’t know that I don’t have it yet. And if I do have it, the internet’s gonna play this clip of me making fun of it over and over again. As they should, coz that’d be hilarious. Imagine if there’s a video of a crocodile hunter making fun of sting rays. I mean, what if this is it? What if this is–? This is not how I want to be remembered. Sitting here, pretending that I care for politics, wearing this fancy tie. Like, I don’t need this. [Michael Che takes his clip-on tie off.] I mean, why am I hiding my drinking problem? [Michael Che takes a glass of whiskey and drinks it.] You know, I just found out that i might have a kid.

[Cut to Colin Jost looking at Michael Che in shock. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and stock-market diagram at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The stock market this week posted it’s largest point loss in history which a lot of people are referring to as ‘the Trump Slump.’ And by ‘a lot of people,’ I mean me. The same way when Trump says, “a lot of people are saying something,” he just means he is. Now, these people are coming up and saying Trump Slump and everyone’s talking about this Trump Slump and how there is a Trump Slump, and I can’t even talk about Trump Slump without someone come up to me and like, “How about this Trump Slump?” Anyway, that’s the economy.

[Cut to Michael Che. He is drinking and is wearing a snapback. There’s a picture of Donald Trump, Mike Pence and Corona virus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I mean how could this possibly end well for us? Trump put Mike Pence in charge. Mike Pence! I don’t know what Mike Pence’s plan is but it’s probably the same as that guy who had to give evian water for five cents. Now, my grandmother was right, Colin. She warned me. I remember she used to sit me down and rock back in her chair and she’d say, “Baby, you listen to me good. Don’t you bring no white girl home.” And then after that, she’d say, “We are living in our last days.” And I just thought she was old and crazy. Coz I mean, no white girls? I work in a show business. That’s unrealistic.

By the way, Americans, stop making fun of the Chinese fetish of virus, okay? Okay? I’m sure they may have some interesting choices in edible meats. But don’t act like Americans are any better. I mean, we just stopped eating Tide pods like two years ago.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of calendar marked on April 5 at left top corner.]

I feel free.

Colin Jost: And well, we’re still five weeks away from Easter but earlier tonight, a man came back from the dead. [Picture changes to Joe Biden. There’s written “Biden wins South Carolina primary.”] Joe Biden won the South Carolina presidential primary just hours ago but in keeping with South Carolina tradition, the losers will get statues. [Picture changes to Wade Hampton statue.] [Picture changes to Mike Bloomberg]

Mike Bloomberg is reportedly spending a record, $3.5 million buying ads in black media. So, get ready for Tyler Perry’s “Medea Goes To MikeBloomberg.com.”

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

And Hillary Clinton has announced that she’s starting a podcast. And okay, now I do think we should lock her up.

[Michael Che laughing]

Weekend Update- New Phillies and Astros Mascots

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. He’s wearing a snapback and has unbuttoned his collar. There’s a picture of new Phillies Mascot.]

Michael Che: The Philadelphia Phillies unveiled the new design for their team masco, the Philly fanatic. While Houston Astros have revealed their new mascot, Chitty the Camera. [looking at Colin Jost and holding his whisky glass] Hey, Chitty, it’s good.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump Jr. and a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump Jr. has received a permit to hunt and kill a grizzly bear in Alaska. Not to be outdone, [Picture changes to Eric Trump] Eric Trump made a trap to catch a Charmin bears. [Picture changes to a trap used for insects. The bait is a toilet roll.] [Picture changes to a news article that says “4-year-old finds meth in library book.”]

Florida police are investigating after a 4-year-old boy found meth inside a library book. The book was of course, “The very twitchy catterpillar.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an event promo at right top corner.]

20,000 high school students in New York city got to see the cast of the broadway hit “To kill a mocking bird” performed at Madison Square Garden. And no surprise, the cast beat the Knicks by 25 points.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “Non-Costco members barred from food court” at left top corner.”

Colin Jost: Costco announced that it will start enforcing a policy that bans non-members from eating in their food courts. So, if you’re looking for a new low point in your life, try getting dragged out of Costco foodcourt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a while male with Christian cross painted on his forehead in black at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. The one day a year Catholics are allowed to do a little bit of black face.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Catholic.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Chris Redd on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The last day of February which means it’s also the last day of Black History month. Here to reflect to what that means to him is our very own, Chris Redd.

[Chris Redd slides in.] [cheers and applause]

Chris Redd: Yo! Wad up? What’s up? What’s up? What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: Hey, what’s up? Good to see you, Chris. So, how was your Black History month?

Chris Redd: It was trash, man. Black people took too many L’s to let this February represent us, man. We lost legends. The Corona virus just stole the spot light. Now, I know people that wear protected mask that don’t wear condoms, and that’s wild to me. Shitting bed all around.

Colin Jost: Wow. I’m sorry.

Chris Redd: You should be. Even in politics, we have no representation, man. Kamala, gone. Corry Booker, gone. Which means me and the bay sketch is gone. The blackest candidate we got left is Joe ‘I got a black friend’ Biden. He cool, but listening to that dude talk is like watching our old man parallel park his own thoughts for 20 minutes.

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah. Alright.

Chris Redd: And then on top of that, this happened.

[Cut to a picture of OneUnited debit visa card with a Harriet Tubman’s picture on it.]

Harriet Tubman doing Wakanda forever on a VISA card.

[cut to the news set]

What? Look at her! It looks like she got recaptured. She didn’t see Black Panther. Wakanda’s not real. Or how about this? Novels release black covers of white books for some damn reason. Look at this. Black Frankenstein looking like a Soundcloud rapper that got beat by the police. You got a black Wizard of Oz? That already happened. That’s the Wiz, you dummy! The we got Moby big ass Dick over here. This is stupid. It’s dumb.

Colin Jost: That’s pretty bad. But you know, there’s gotta be something good about this black history month, right?

Chris Redd: Well, a week ago I would have said boxing. I was looking forward to Wilder/Fury fight. But then Deontay Wilder walked out with his goofy ass wearing this nonsense. [Picture of Deontay Wilder’s entrance in the boxing match. His outfit looks heavy.] Yeah. Yeah, he lost to a bald headed potato sack body having white man too. This guy. Because he had a come-out just like a Mortal Combat fatality. Man, what’s wrong with you? And he said he did it in tribute of Black History month. Whose? Not mine. And on top of all, he got licked while getting his ass beat. Literally! Look at that. [Picture of Deontay Wilder and Tyson Fury clinching. Tyson Fury has his tongue out.] Ew! Come on, man. [Cut to the news set] Not on our month, bro!

Colin Jost: No. I don’t love that either.

Chris Redd: Nobody loves that. And then on a last second, Charles tried to sneak one pass just like we weren’t going to catch it. Look. Look at this. [Cut to picture of black people praying in White House, all standing behind Donald Trump.] Look at these White House negros. [Cut to the news set] Who y’all praying to? The ghost of black face pass? Then Trump’s got his eyes open during the prayer like he’s trying to remember which pocket his wallet is in. Trump is looking like a basketball from space jam, just sucking all the blackness out of em’. Does this look like black history to you, Colin? Huh?

Colin Jost: I’m gonna guess, no.

Chris Redd: So, just give us another month, man. Look, I know March is women’s month, so we’ll take April, we’ll start on the Chris Reddnd.

Colin Jost: What about April Colin Jostst?

Chris Redd: Nah! Y’all keep that day, boy. April Fools his how you got us over here in the first place. “It’s just a cruise. Hop on. We good. We good.”

Colin Jost: Chris Redd, everyone.

Chris Redd: Black people can’t get the Corona virus.

 

Uncle Meme

Heidi Gardner

Ron… John Mulaney

Emily… Chloe Fineman

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

[Starts with seven people celebrating in their house.]

Heidi: Anyway, to our baby girl Emily accepted at Stanford Business School.

Ron: Congratulations, sweetie.

All: Congratulations.

Emily: Aw, thanks everybody. It’s so nice to have family here.

Ron: [sigh] That’s great. So, Tyler, what about you? You enjoying college?

Tyler: Oh, yeah, uncle Ron. I’m loving it.

Ron: Oh, that’s nice. They have computers there, yeah?

Tyler: At college? Yeah, yeah, they do.

Ron: And did you do anything else?

Tyler: I don’t know, uncle Ron. I mean I write papers.

Beck: Ron, you alright?

Ron: I’m talking to your son. You write papers? That’s it?

Tyler: Yeah. That’s it.

Ron: You’re so slick, huh? You’re a liar!

Beck: What?

Ron: Excuse me?

Aidy: Ron, is everything okay?

Ron: No. It’s actually not okay. He meme’d me.

Beck: I’m sorry. Meme’d you?

Ron: Yeah, that’s right. My punk nephew Tyler made into a meme. I’m a meme now. And I don’t like it one bit.

Emily: Dad, come on. There’s no way.

Beck: Yeah. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding.

Ron: Oh, really? Take a look at this. [Ron walks to his TV] Look at my facebook profile pic. [He shows his profile pic] Perfectly normal handsome picture of me right at work, right? Now, look at the front page of reddit.com. “When she wanna smash but the pee-pee too small.” What the hell is this?

Ron: Oh, wow!

Chris: Damn!

Aidy: My goodness.

Heidi: What in the world?

Ron: I know. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I mean is it supposed to be funny? Coz it’s not.

Emily: No, it’s sick.

Chris: It’s kind of funny though.

Ron: And it’s not even true. I smash. I have a kid, dammit!

Aidy: Tyler, is he right? Did you meme your uncle?

Tyler: Look, it just got out of hand. I just made one meme for fun and then–

Ron: Fun? Is this fun to you? This next one was tweeted by rapper Ice-T. And he said it was too true. [changes the meme] “When y’all kissing and she say ‘That’ll be $Ron00.'” I mean hey, hey, that sucks for me. You get that, right? [changes the meme] “When your girl pregnant and you ain’t even had sex.” Again, I have a daughter. Lies. [changes the meme] “When you tip the cam girl for Heidi0k and she block you.” What?

Aidy: Now, I don’t even get that.

Chris: It do be like that sometimes.

Aidy: Well, this is awful. This is not what Melania meant when she said, “Be best.”

Ron: The internet dubbed me the white collar virgin. I don’t know why. I mean, look at this. There’s thousands. [showing a list of his memes]

Tyler: Uncle Ron, I’m so sorry. I would never describe you that way.

Ron: Sorry? This is ruining my life. Do you get that? You do get that, right? This is endless. And they’re getting more creative. “I guess heaven needed a bitch.” So, I passed away in this one? [changes the meme. His picture is edited like he’s Joker.] “Wanna know how I got these tiny-ass balls?” It’s not funny. It’s depraved. [changes the meme] “When green book on HBO.” Dammit, at least this makes sense. That is how I feel when green book on HBO.

Aidy: Ron, this is a nightmare and we apologize on behalf of our son.

Beck: Tyler, make this right.

Tyler: Look, I never should have started the meme but I promise you, the one I did was just silly. It wasn’t meant to be like, hurtful.

Beck: Thank you. See? Just some gentle raving that got out of hand.

Ron: Oh, interesting. Coz I tracked Tyler’s reddit username and his first post was this. [changes the meme] “That feeling when you a pedophile.”

All: Tyler?

Tyler: That moment when your uncle finds the pedophile meme you made of him. [Tyler makes a silly face]

The Admiral

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Admiral… Beck Bennett

Julian… John Mulaney

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now we return to 1955’s “Say, Those Two Don’t Seem To Like Each Other.”

[Cut to Kate and Aidy grooming themselves in their house. It’s an old black and white video.]

Kate: Sister, you’re looking lovely in our dead mother’s pearl.

Aidy: Umm, and you’re looking lovely in our dead father’s pearls. Well, today is the day the admirals are coming to pick a wife.

Kate: Yeah. He’s never taken a wife before or even a single girlfriend.

Aidy: Yes. He’ll choose between us sisters.

Kate: Right. Whoever he finds the most sexually gorgeous.

Aidy: Hmm. Well sister, your hair is quite a mess. Why don’t you put on this hat? [giving hare a huge heavy anvil.]

Kate: Well, that’s an anvil.

Aidy: Oh, so it is. I thought it was a beret.

Kate: Um, sister, why don’t you sign your birthday card?

[Kate passes Aidy a card]

Aidy: Oh, well this is a suicide note.

Kate: Oh. Silly me. I thought you were turning ninety.

Aidy: [laughing] Sister, you’re looking chilly. Why don’t you put on this scarf? [Aidy passes Kate a big snake.]

Kate: That’s a boa constrictor.

Aidy: Oh! So it is. I thought it was a pashmina.

Kate: Sister, your breath. It’s half garbage here. Why don’t you pop this little mint?

[Kate passes Aidy a bomb]

Aidy: Oh! Well, that’s an actual bomb.

Kate: Oh, I wonder who du-du-du-du.

[door bell ringing]

Kate and Aidy: The admiral.

[Admiral walks in. He’s wearing his uniform.]

Admiral: Hm, hello ladies.

Kate: Um, yes, hello, Admiral. Now, which of us will be the object of your attraction?

Admiral: Hm, wow, what great options. This is going to be so hard.

[Julian walks in. He is wearing a sailor uniform.]

Julian: Oh, sisters. I’m back from war.

Admiral: Hello, sailor.

Aidy: Brother, you’re interrupting.

Kate: We’re seducing this man.

Julian: Oh, sisters. I ran all the way here from the pacific theater. I’m awful sweaty.

Admiral: [looking excited] How do you do?

Kate: Okay. Admiral, we’re sorry for the wretched intrusion from my pesky baby brother, Julina.

Aidy: Yes. But he wasn’t an admiral. He wasn’t an admiral like you. He was just a petty officer.

Julian: No, no. I got promoted.

Kate: Oh, really? To what?

Julian: Pass around party bottoms.

Admiral: Ha-da-du-da-daa!

Kate: [whispering to Aidy] Sister, I think the admiral is feeling something about Julian.

Aidy: Yes. I’m clocking it.

Julian: My! I’ve grown so much since the last time I was here. Let me measure myself against this wall. [Julian measures his height on the wall] I’m taller than I was here and here and even here. It looks like I got taller but I’m down for anything.

Admiral: No, boy!

Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Aidy: Admiral, we weren’t expecting our foppish brother today. Would you mind giving us a moment alone?

Admiral: Good idea.

[Admiral walks out.]

Aidy: [whispering to Kate] Sister, this is a disaster.

Kate: I know. When did our pesky little brother get gay hot?

Aidy: Well, he’s taking the admiral’s attention.

Kate: We need him to lust after us.

Aidy: Somehow, we have to make Julian less distracting.

Kate: Right. Right. I know. [calling out] Oh, Julian.

[Julian is eating a sausage]

Julian: Yes?

Kate: God! Put that down.

Aidy: Julian, um, bad news. The admiral says that you’re annoying.

Kate: Very annoying.

Julian: Oh, no! I don’t wanted admiral to think I’m annoying. I’ll just turn around and face the wall and hell forget that I’m here.

[Julian faces the wall bending over.]

Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Kate: That’s so annoying to look at.

Aidy: So annoying.

Julian: I know. I’ll hide myself behind the couch. Here, I’ll move it against the wall first. [while pushing the couch, he’s moaning.]

Kate: Oh, god! That’s annoying.

Aidy: Yes. That’s a nuisance for the admiral.

Julian: It’s so heavy. I’ll push down on it to help. [moaning] Take that. Yeah!

Aidy: Oh, holy hell.

Kate: No, I think I found that annoying.

Aidy: I know. I mean I’m basically half there.

Kate: Argh, we’ll never win.

Aidy: Okay, then what do we do? We’ll have to shoot him.

[Kate pulls out a tommy gun]

Kate: Yes. You’re right.

[Kate shoots at Julian. But the bullets only tears Julian’s clothes away.]

Kate and Aidy: No!

Kate: It’s a vest and shorts.

Aidy: That’s even cuter.

Kate: Oh! Calm sister. The admiral hasn’t picked yet!

Aidy: Yes, you’re right. It could definitely still be us.

[Admiral walks in]

All: The admiral.

Kate: Who will he choose?

Admiral: [pointing at Julian] The twink!

Sound of Music- Rolf and Liesl

Rolf… John Mulaney

Liesl… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with show schedule]

This is Turner Classic Movies. Up next it’s “Fiddler On The Roof For Wasps, The Sound Of Music.”

[Cut to Rolf standing alone in a room. Liesl runs in.]

Liesl: Oh Rolf, you waited.

Rolf: Oh Liesl, I was beginning to think you wouldn’t come.

Liesl: Sorry I’m late. The captain made me sing in a night gown in front of all his friends.

Rolf: The captain’s your dad, right? Yes, and I’m worried about him. Papa says I’m too young to be in love but I think I love you.

[music playing] [singing] I am 16, going on 17
I know that naive
fellows who meet me tell me I’m sweet
and willingly I believe

Rolf: That’s true.

Liesl: You are 17, going on 18

Rolf: Actually I’m 33

Liesl: Wait, what?

Rolf: I know I look young and I said I’m young
But I lied, I’m 33

Liesl: You’re 33? But, you ride a bicycle.

Rolf: Oh, that’s because I’m very poor, darling.

Liesl: And you live with your mother.

Rolf: Wow, she’s got a list. Look, you’re only as old as you feel. Liesl, do you know what statutory means?

Liesl: No.

Rolf: It means I looked it up and we’re on the right side of the cusp.

Liesl: I don’t know, Rolf. It’s a pretty big age difference. And I don’t want to say this but there’s rumors that you’re maybe a Nazi maybe.

Rolf: Focus on the age stuff.

Liesl: Well, I don’t know if I can trust you.

[music playing]

Rolf: [singing] Don’t be dramatic it’s not a great look
trust me I know what guys like

Liesl: But I am 16

Rolf: And I am 38
I’ve had some birthdays since we started talking

Liesl: 38? But you said 33.

Rolf: Oh, let me explain.

[singing] I am 33, next month I’ll be 39
baby I’m
41

Liesl: Rolf?

Rolf: Liesl? I know you’re freaked out but this is Austria, 1930-bad. In a few months, this will be the least of your worries.

Liesl: You keep saying stuff like that.

Rolf: Can I help it that I’m attracted to you? You’re so mature and sophisticated.

Liesl: Really? You think I seem older?

Rolf: Yes. What? With the complaining and those hefty naturals? Honestly, when I first came to the house, I thought you were the mom.

Liesl: Oh, I don’t know. You’re a geriatric telegram boy. And I’m rich and good with puppets. So you do the math.

Rolf: I know I’m not perfect. But I’ve talked to mother and I’m moving out.

Liesl: Really? You bought a house?

Rolf: No. I rented. With roommates.

[singing] Ricks and Hans and Kevin and Girble

and four other guys named Hans

Liesl: That’s a lot of Nazis. But I still don’t know how I feel about dating an older guy.

Rolf: Oh, Rolf. Age is just a number that the government keeps track of. For example,

[singing] I am 46

Liesl: That’s older than my father

Rolf: Damn how sexy is that?

Liesl: I do like attention and not to mention
my brain’s not totally formed

Rolf: Oh, Liesl. I like that so much.

[a man and a woman walk in with two other guards.]

Woman: That’s him.

Man: Stop it at once!

Liesl: Papa?

Rolf: Oh, hello Gaylord.

Man: Oh, shut up.

Rolf: But that’s your name, isn’t it? Gaylord Vantrap.

Man: Yes. But you know what you’re doing.

Woman: Oh, just arrest the pervert.

Man: Hey, how old are you by the way?

Woman: [singing] I’m old enough but it’s still kind of dicey

Man: Lehi-ho lehi-ho lehi-um-hmm.

Kyle’s Transformation

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

John Mulaney

Justin Theroux

[Starts with Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooneyat the office]

Beck: Man, psyched for Mulaney this week.

Kyle: Yeah. Any idea what you’re working on?

Beck: Um, maybe Halloween wrap or Christmas wrap.

Kyle: Cool.

[John Mulaney knocks the door and walks in]

John: Hey, guys.

Beck: Hey, John.

Kyle: What’s up, man?

John: Um, I’m gonna write this strip club sketch where all the guys play male strippers. And I was just making sure that you, Beck, were okay with taking your shirt off.

Beck: Yeah. Of course. That sounds amazing.

Kyle: Yeah. Do- do you think you’ll be needing me for the sketch?

John: As like a awkward guy?

Kyle: I don’t know. As one of the dancers?

John: Oh, Kyle, I don’t know if you’re like, exactly built for for that.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kyle: Of course. Right.

Beck: Yeah. And whatever that is, [pointing at Kyle’s face] it might not work.

Kyle: [laughs lightly] Totally.

John: I mean it’s like [thinks hard]. Come on, Kyle.

[Kyle slowly starts hearing them in echos]

Beck: I mean, can you imagine if he was in it?

John: I mean that’d be like, have to just cut.

Beck: Yeah. Yeah.

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: So, it’s Mulaney week which is always a blast. And there are already so many amazing ideas. Unfortunately, I’m not always gonna be a part of those great ideas because I guess people think of me as one thing.

[Kyle walks by the hall. He peeks inside writer’s room.]

Male: Who should play the dork?

John: Uhh, definitely Kyle.

Male: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Obviously.

[Kyle starts remembering his past sketches where he played dork.] [Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: And I think it’s time for me to change that. Here we go.

[Cut to Beck walking to his office. Rock music is playing inside and guys are making noise. He knocks the door.]

Beck: Kyle, what the hell?

[Kyle opens the door. Their shared room office is filled with gym equipments and there are two trainers for Kyle in there.]

Kyle: Beck, sorry man. Must have got a little carried away. Come on in. [breathing heavy] I moved some stuff around. Hope that’s cool. [pointing at guy trainer] This is Justin. He is helping me to get into fighting shape.

Justin: Justin Theroux. Nice to meet you.

Kyle: [pointing at girl trainer] That’s Nadia. She’s my nutritionist. Or as we like to call her ‘she who will slap cookies out of my hand.’ Ha-ha-ha. I had to man.

Beck: Kyle, what the hell is this all about?

Kyle: The strip club sketch that Mulaney’s writing. I wanna be in it. And NBC said they’d fill the bill if I wanna train. So, I’m just trying to make it happen.

Beck: Okay, well, I mean I need to work.

Kyle: Of course, brother. Hey, me too. Ha-ha-ha. [Kyle plays rock music again] Come on, now! Here we go. Are you ready? [Kyle does the exercises making too much noise]

Justin: Three more!

Beck: It’s kinda’ hard to work.

[Cut to Kyle narrating. He looks jacked.]

Kyle: So, I’ve been hitting it pretty hard. I’ve gained 37 pounds of muscle in, let’s see here, two days. And I’m feeling like, “Get me in that strip club sketch.” But I do feel good. And it’s pretty crazy, you know. People are starting to treat me a little different around here.

[Cut to Kyle doing crossfit in the office hallway.]

Chris: Damn, Kyle looks jacked.

Aidy: I know. He’s so hot. He’s gonna be put in every comedy sketch.

[Kyle finishes his workout. Nadis lets him have a bite of his bread.] [Chloe Fineman approaches to Kyle]

Chloe: Hey, Kyle, you left one of your juices rotting on my desk.

Kyle: Sorry, Chloe. I’m such a spazz. But that’s just me, I guess. I love hiking and my family.

Chloe: Aww, Kyle. Hey, would you ever wanna–

Kyle: Have sex with each other?

Chloe: Well, I was gonna say grab a drink.

Kyle: Ah! I can’t drink anymore. But I can have sex with you before my 5 PM bedtime.

Chloe: Um, okay.

Kyle: Yeah. Let’s do it. I’m feeling pretty good.

Chloe: Oh!

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: Well, I put in the work, became less interesting. And now they’re gonna put me on the cover of SNL Magazine. So, what do you say we check in on that strip club sketch. [screams] Ah!

[Cut to Kyle in Lorne Michaels’ office.]

Lorne: So, Kyle. Everybody’s happy about the body. So, what’s next?

Kyle: Lorne, it’s been amazing awesome experience and for working with you. But I gotta know, am I get into that Mulaney strip club sketch?

Lorne: Oh, I know John. I can put in a call.

[Kyle walks to Lorne Michaels to shake hands]

Kyle: I appreciate it, big boss man.

Lorne: [trying to feel Kyle’s biceps] Can I?

Kyle: Please.

Lorne: Ouf!

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: Alright. We did it. I got in the sketch. [screaming] Ah!

[John walks to Kyle]

John: Oh, hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Hey.

John: Hey, big rewrite on the strip club sketch. I’ve been looking for you. It’s just gonna be a bunch of awkward guys now.

Kyle: Oh, okay.

John: So, we’re gonna lose you.

Kyle: Alright, got it.

John: And also, you’re fired from the show.

Kyle: Aw, man. Really?

John: Yeah.

Kyle: Awkward question, can I get your autograph?

John: Yeah, okay.

Kyle: [celebrating] Alright!

[Cut to SNL magazine with John Mulaney on the front page. It’s signed by him to Kyle.]

John Mulaney Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is 1 and if you’re watching at home and you don’t know who I am, I’m sorry. Um, I am like Louis Farrakhan. I mean a lot to a small group of people. It’s a leap year Saturday and I am the first person to ever host Saturday Night Live on a leap year Saturday. It’s very exciting. Yes. I am also the first hots who has done the least in between his second and third time hosting. I have nothing coming up. I am here to promote the month of March. “March, if winter had spring. March.”

Clap if your father is between the ages of 60 and 75. [audience clapping] Yeah. What’s going on with them? What’s wrong with them? They’re so emotional. My dad hugs me so tightly sometimes, I’m like, “Is one of us about to die?” And my dad has no friends. And your dad has no friends. If you think your dad has friends, you’re wrong. You mom has friends and they have husbands. Those are not your dad’s friends. Why do none of our baby boomer dads have friends? I have a few theories. One, they forgot. Two, they want to be alone. Dads want to be alone. I’m not a dad but i observed one. And he would go into his room and read about World War II. All of our dads are cramming for some World War II quiz show and I can’t wait to watch it. We’re just going to change channels and see how our dads win a $900,000 on Normandy Triva. Another theory I have is that dads really only care about money. But you’re not allowed to talk about money in United States. It’s taboo. So, they don’t have anything to talk about, so they have no friends.

A friend of mine once told me that he would rather his wife die than go through a divorce with her. He said that to me. Later that day I asked him, “Hey, what are you making this year?” And he said, “That’s personal.” It is hard to make friends when you’re an adult male. I think that’s the greatest miracle of Jesus, truly, is that he was a 33 year old man and he had 12 best friends. And they were not his wife’s friends or husbands. And he didn’t meet them a long time ago in school. He met them in his 30s. Twelve best friends! Remember when your dad went fishing once? These guys went fishing every day. They were all best friends. And he’d do magic tricks for them and they loved it. He did magic tricks to the one time that he should have done magic and then he forgot to. And they were taking– that must have been disappointing for his twelve best friends. They’re taking him away in chains and they’re like, “Do the chain trick you have.” “I don’t know. I don’t know how to break chains.”

Shifting topics entirely. It is a leap year I said. Leap year began in the year 45 BC under Julius Caesar. It’s true. He started the leap year in order to correct the calendar and we still do it to this day. Another thing that happened under Julius Caesar was he was such a powerful maniac that all the senators grabbed knives and they stabbed him to death. That’d be an interesting thing if we brought that back now. I asked my lawyer if I could make that joke and he said, “Let me call another lawyer” and that lawyer said yes. I don’t want to dwell on politics but I dislike the founding fathers immensely. They are weird group of guys. I hate when people are like, “Go has never created such a great group of men as the founding fathers.” Yeah, the 92 bulls. The 92 bulls were better than the founding fathers. The 96 bulls, maybe. That’s actually a perfect metaphor for the United States. When I was a boy, the United States was like, Michael Jordan in 1992. And now, the United States is like Michael Jordan now. The founding fathers were dumb because they made the constitution and they numbered it and the order is weird. They sat down, they had a feather. They knew how to make a pen. They were just being jerks. “Amendment number one, freedom of speech. And freedom of assembly. And freedom of religion. Okay, that’s one. How about two?” [yelling] “You can have all the guns you want.” “For two? How about like 17, 19?” “No, two. Guns!” “Alright. Let’s just put guns. He seems upset. Alright. Amendment number three.” [yelling] “The army can’t live in your house.” “Okay, buddy. I think you’re going through your own thing in life right now. And I feel for you. I think a soldier might be sleeping with your wife and you want to grab a gun and kill him. And I feel for you. But that cannot affect the list. This is like a ‘forever list.’ And we haven’t even got into basics like morning time is when you eat breakfast. So.” “Put it down in writing. The army can’t live in your house.”  And don’t you thank god everyday for that third amendment? The other afternoon, this was Tuesday. I was in my apartment and the buzzer rang. And it was 101st airborne. And they said, “Permission to live in your house?” And I went, “Third amendment.” And he said, “Gentlemen, he’s invoked the third. Let’s fall out and find another house to live in. A thing that we do.”

In summary and in summation, a very nice thing happened to me this year. This is truly lovely. A young woman from the make a wish foundation made it her wish to meet me. And I was very flattered by that. I was very honored that she wanted to meet me. I was very concerned that she used he wish to meet me. I’m not someone, you know, you need to wish to meet. I’m around. I take the four-five express train a lot. I take this six. You can find me. You need the ‘make a plan foundation’ to find me. But I wanted to do it. And she said, “I just want to see how you spend a day.” And I said, “Oh, no. That’s even worse. I wouldn’t wish that on a healthy adult.” So, I didn’t want her to sit around watching me eat sour patch kids and repeat gossip. So, I brought her here to Saturday Night Live coz I still had my ID badge. And I bring her into the studio. Her name is Elizabeth. And they were rehearsing a big political sketch and Lin-Manuel Miranda is in this sketch playing Julian Castro. It’s very exciting. And she sees Lin-Manuel Miranda and she says, “Is that Lin-Manuel Miranda?” And I go, “Yeah. You wanna you wanna meet Lin?” I didn’t know if he went by Lin or Lin-Manuel, and I don’t know him. But I said, “Come on, let’s go.” So, I go up. I go up, “Hey, Lin [soft voice] Manuel. This is Elizabeth. Elizabeth, Lin [soft voice] Manuel.” And he was so nice to her and he took a photo with her and it was really beautiful moment. And we were walking out those doors down that hallway afterwards. She was really emotional and she went, “I don’t know. I don’t know if I should say this.” And I said, “Elizabeth, say whatever you want.” And she said, “Lin-Manuel Miranda was my first choice.” And I made her wish come true.

We have got a great show tonight ladies and gentlemen. David Byrne is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Jackie Robinson

Ego Nwodim

John Mulaney

Terence Washington… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

[Starts with pictures of black figures and role models] [There’s written ‘Forgotten Figures of Black History.’] [Cut to Ego Nwodim in her set]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: The year was nineteenfortyseven. Baseball was America’s favorite past time. And thanks to one man, it had finally become integrated. Jackie Robinson’s courage on and off the field made a symbol of hope for black America. But sadly, not everyone was happy.

[Cut to a video clip of Jackie Robinson running in the baseball field]

Anchor: And Robinson’s heading the third base. But wait, I think he’s gonna try for home.] [Cut to the audience cheering for Jackie Robinson. Everyone is white except one black man, Terence Washington. He is sitting with his son.]

John: Common, Jackie, you can do it.

Terence: No, no! He ain’t gonna make it.

Anchor: Here comes the throw and he is–

Terence: Out!

Anchor: Safe!

John: There you go, Jackie. That’s the way to get him.

Kyle: Hey, how about three cheers for Jackie?

All: Hurray!

Terence: Psst! Boo!

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Today on ‘Forgotten Figures of Black History,’ we take a look back at Terence Washington, the first black man to ‘boo’ Jackie Robinson at a baseball game.

[Cut to the audience]

John: Son, did you see the way Jackie flew from second to home? That was–

Terence: Selfish was what it was. Baseball ain’t about hot-dogging. Like the saying goes, slow and steady wins the baseball game.

Mikey: I don’t think that’s the saying at all.

John: What’s with this guy? How could he not like Jackie Robinson?

Kyle: He must be from out of town.

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Terence Washington was not from out of town. He grew up in Brooklyn, New York and was a life long Dodgers fan up until Jackie Robinson joined the team in nineteenforgyseven. Terence was so upset by Robinson’s arrival, he’d show up to dodgers games and root for the other team.

[Cut to the audience]

Beck: I don’t know. I still say this Robinson guy is all hype.

Terence: Oh, thank you. He gets it.

John: Are you crazy? He’s the best ball player I’ve ever seen.

Terence: What?

Beck: Get out of here.

Kyle: I don’t know about that. What about Joe DiMaggio?

Beck: Or Ted Williams?

Terence: Or Terence Washington.

Mikey: What about the Stan ‘the man’ Musial?

Terence: Or Terence ‘the enlarged heart’ Washington.

John: Wait, who the heck is Terence Washington?

Terence: Hah! You hear this? This chump talking about baseball but he don’t even know Terence ‘the heart murmurs’ Washington.

Beck: I gotta be honest. I don’t know that is either.

Kyle: Is his name ‘the enlarged heart?’ Or ‘the heart murmur?’

Terence: It’s both. And he’s the greatest hitter in Nigro league’s history. Plus he can run faster than a quart of prune juice through a colon.

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Terence Washington never actually played baseball. Mostly due to his enlarged heart and many heart murmurs. But the people who knew him best say that he had a personal vendetta against Robinson. Ever since his ex-wife mentioned that Jackie was handsome.

[Cut to the audience]

Anchor: Now batting with the bases rolling, Jackie Robinson.

Terence: Oh, I hate him. He ain’t even handsome.

John: Okay, if Robinson gets a hit, dodgers win.

Terence: He ain’t going to get it. He’s going to mess it up.

Mikey: What are you talking about? He’s hitting four for four.

John: Come on, Jackie, you can do it, man.

Terence: No, you can’t. [standing] Boo!

Kyle: Ay, what the hell are you doing?

John: Hey, would you stop booing? Don’t you want to show your kid that he could be whatever he wants?

Terence: [pointing at the kid] I don’t know this kid.

John: Oh, sorry. I thought you did.

Terence: All I want is to be able to enjoy the game and boo people just like everybody else.

John: Okay. But why does it have to be the one black player?

Beck: Oh, oh, so it’s okay to boo a white guys?

John: Yes.

Mikey: Wow!

John: Okay, forget I said anything. I’m not racist. Boo whoever you want. I don’t care.

Terence: You just don’t get it. All my life, I’ve been hearing ‘no.’ No, I can’t eat him. No, I can’t play baseball or I’ll have a heart attack. No, I can’t make this marriage work. No, I can’t give you a haircut that will look like Jackie Robinson. And now I can’t even ‘boo?’ I’m leaving! Nice to meet you little boy!

Kyle: Hey, wait. Buddy, what if we all ‘boo’ Jackie Robinson? Together?

Terence: You’d do that for me?

Kyle: Yeah.

Beck: Sure, buddy.

Mikey: Come on, guys.

All: [in loud voice] Boo! Boo! Boo!

Anchor: At the pitch. Swing, and a miss. Robinson seemed a little distracted.

Terence: We did it!

John: Yeah, you suck, Jackie.

Beck: Yeah, go back to the Negro leagues where you belong.

Terence: Hey, easy man. That’s way too much. Who this kid?

 

Coronavirus Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Joe Biden… John Mulaney

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Mike Pence speaking at the White House press conference]

Mike Pence: Thank you all for coming. I’m vice president Mike Pence. [cheers and applause] Most of you know me from the “Even if Trump was removed, we’d still be stuck with Mike Pence.” President Trump as put me in charge of the corona virus even though I don’t believe in [hand gesture quoting] science. And I have to admit this disease has been quite a test of my faith just like dinosaur bones or Timothee Chalamet. But I’m prepared for the challenge. We’ve assembled a very experienced team of some of the best people left in government. Led by one of the most brilliant minds in medicine, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Ben Carson walks in] [cheers and applause]

Ben Carson: Hello. Hello. I’m Ben Carson. You know, the brain surgeon they put in charge of house development. Well, this is something I actually do know about and rest assured in my expert opinion it’s gonna be bad.

Mike Pence: Oh, Ben don’t say that. I asked you here to put people at ease and educate them about the virus.

Ben Carson: Oh! Okie dokie okie. So, here’s what we know so far. It looks like this. [showing a picture of Disney’s Stitch] As you can see from his sharp teeth, he’s a nasty little thing. He’ll bit you.

Mike Pence: Oh, ha-ha, but don’t panic. There are still simple precautions that we can all take like covering your mouth when you cough and as always closing your eyes during intercourse.

Ben Carson: Also, we suggest getting these wonderful ‘Make America Great Again’ masks from the White House website. It may take a couple of months for delivery because they are made in Wuhan, China.

Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you Dr. Carson

Ben Carson: Oh, it’s bad.

Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you. Thank you. The important thing is that now is the time for unity and not the time to politicize this issue. So, let’s take some questions.

[Michael Bloomberg in the press section asks question]

Michael Bloomberg: Yes Mike, Bloomberg. [cheers and applause] Bloomberg news. I have a question.

Mike Pence: What are you doing here? How did you get pass security?

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I just walked in coughing and everybody got out of my way. My question is doesn’t it seem like a good time to have a president who’s competent and capable? Even if that candidate lacks charisma or ability to connect with human beings?

Mike Pence: Mr. Bloomberg, with all due respect, I’m not sure that I understand your question.

[Michael Bloomberg just gets to the podium at which Mike Pence is speaking]

Michael Bloomberg: Okay, let me say it for you in Spanish. [speaking in Spanish language] Am I correcto?

[Elizabeth Warren stands from behind the podium]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I got a question for you Michael Bloomberg. [cheers and applause]

Michael Bloomberg: Senator Warren, what are you doing here?

Elizabeth Warren: Did you really think you’re going to get away from me? It’s my job now. I follow you around, make your life a living hell. I might be fifth in the polls but I’m number one in your nightmares, Mike.

[Joe Biden walks in.]

Joe Biden: Speaking of number one, guess who just kicked butt? [cheers and applause] Guess who just kicked butt in South crackle-barrel?

Mike Pence: Joe Biden? You look different.

Joe Biden: Yeah. The surgery has starting to settle. Now listen folks, if we want to fight Chin cough, we got to be smart. We got to make sure to get new teeth daily. Now, here’s an honest to goodness true story based loosely on fake events. The year was 19-ricky-ticky-tabby. And me and Nelson Mandela were palling around South Africa, green book style. WE have one elephant between us and who do we run into but the ebola monkey. And weird story longer, I wrestled that sucker to mercy. Beep-bap-beep. That’s how I convinced Mandela that why he was okay.

[Bernie Sanders in the press section talks]

Bernie Sanders: Hey! Hey! Wait! Wait a second. Hey, what about me possibly winning the nomination, huh? You gotta admit folks, universal health care doesn’t sound too crazy now, does it?

Mike Pence: Bernie, this is not the time to politicize this issue.

Bernie Sanders: Hey, I’m having the best week of my freaking life. I had a little set back in South Carolina but I’m heading the other polls. Wall Street billionaires are losing their shirts. And best of all, nobody wants to come near me. Much less touch me. I’m in heaven.

Michael Bloomberg: can I speak?

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, sure. Why don’t you start telling us what’s in that NDA?

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I keep telling you it’s nothing. It’s just– I made a little joke to a female employee and she didn’t like it.

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah. What was the joke?

Michael Bloomberg: Alright. Knock, knock.

Elizabeth Warren: Who’s there?

Michael Bloomberg: It’s your boss Mike. Listen, get rid of that baby.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh my god!

Michael Bloomberg: But didn’t you get it?

Mike Pence: [awkwardly] Okay. Why don’t I take a question from a real reporter? You, sir.

[Pete Buttigieg in the press section speaks]

Pete Buttigieg: Yes. [cheers and applause] Hi, I’m actually a mayor Pete Buttigieg. I’m a a candidate too, for the next three days.

[Amy Klobuchar walks in]

Amy Klobuchar: Back off, Buttigieg. [cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Amy Klobuchar.

Amy Klobuchar: Yeah. The whole moderate from the mid-west stick is mine. So, stay out of my center lane, bitch. I am from Minnesota so I will cut you… in line at Target, son.

Pete Buttigieg: I’m sorry. Son? Don’t treat me like a child. I was mayor.

Amy Klobuchar: Aw! Yes you were. Here. [Amy Klobuchar puts some spit on her thumb and wipes something off Amy Klobuchar’s face with it.] You got a little something there. It’s my spit!

Elizabeth Warren: Look, look, I just want to say two things, America. Number one, we need someone who can handle this, that we can trust. Mayor Bloomberg supports George W. Bush. He supported Lindsey Graham. He funded SARS. He invented traffic. He was responsible for McDonald’s serving spaghetti. he wrote and directed the movie ‘Cats.’ He dumps your bags in the ocean from cargo hold on Spirit Airlines. This is a bad man. Use Purell.

[Bernie Sanders walks to the stage]

Bernie Sanders: No, no, no. No, no, no. No Purell. I got a bottle of that junk and on the label, it says it kills 99.99% germs. What happens to the top 0.01%? Why are we protecting them? I say enough with the potions. Just use good old fashioned bar soap and scalding hot water. I might get in trouble for saying this. But you know who was great at washing his hands? Joseph Stalin. Just saying. Just saying.

Amy Klobuchar: Look. Look. I am not afraid of a little cough. I announce my campaign in a snow storm. I mean, that was insane. A snow storm. Who would do that? I am in it to win it, baby. Ha-ha. I don’t know when to quit. And that might be a problem.

Pete Buttigieg: Can I just mention? I’m the only candidate up here who’s not gonna lose.

Amy Klobuchar: To Trump?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no. To the corona virus. You know, you’re all in very high risk demographics.

Bernie Sanders: You wanna talk high risk? I have it on good authority and Pete Buttigieg is a hand cougher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He coughs right into the hand. Not the elbow which we can all agree is not perfect, but it’s at least something. America doesn’t need a hand cougher. They need a president who is old enough to know Typhoid Mary. And one other thing and this goes for all of you.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.