Weekend Update Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Rihannas Pregnancy

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Rihanna has been showing her baby bump and sexy maternity looks at Paris Fashion Week. Here to comment is Pauline, a weary mother and her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: You’re never going to believe it Michael, I’m pregnant again.

Michael Che: How you doing Pauline? Congratulations. Must be such an exciting time.

Pauline: Exciting for who, Michael? Last time I gave birth, the baby was so big the doctor said he looked like black Jason Momoa. You know what it feels like to drop a Drogo? Bad. But here, look at Rihanna. Come on with a perfect cute little baby bump. Meanwhile, I look like I’m trying to shoplift the Turducken. I’m just regular pregnant. I want to be famous pregnant.

Michael Che: Famous pregnant? That was just the honest pregnancy announcement photo, right?

Pauline: Sure it was. Rihanna and her boyfriend all happy. Walking around Harlem. You know how I announced my pregnancy. I threw up on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. You know, I’ve had babies before but this is my worst pregnancy yet. It’s making me want to eat all kinds of things. Pickles. Peanut butter, the barrel of a shotgun.

Michael Che: Pauline!

Pauline: Look, I don’t mean it. I don’t mean it. I don’t know what I’m saying. Pregnancy brain.

Michael Che: Well, Rihanna has been wearing some iconic pregnancy looks at fashion week hopefully to inspire other pregnant women.

Pauline: Oh, please. Look at this Michael. Look at her. She looked like she’s going to a sex funeral. She makes it look good. How? I couldn’t even wear this before. If you’re gonna wear something like this, everything’s got to stay put, you know. But right now, everything on me is loose, including my pushay.

Michael Che: Oh my god.

Pauline: She’s always wearing heels. You want to see my heels, Michael? [showing him a Bugs Bunny slippers] These. I used to wear a size 9. Now, I’m a men’s 15. You know, I even got my tubes tied. But they came loose. I keep begging my doctor double knot them next time, please.

Michael Che: They tied them like shoelaces?

Pauline: Look, I’m out here on my own Michael. At least Rihanna has got a boyfriend by her side. Meanwhile, you haven’t come with me to not one doctors.

Michael Che: Wait, why would I?

Pauline: Because you did this to me.

Michael Che: I did?

Pauline: I said “Let’s use protection,” and you looked me in the eye and said “It don’t feel the same.”

Michael Che: [nodding his head] That does sound like me? Yeah.

Pauline: All right. You know what? I gotta go. I left my kids in Lorne’s office.

Michael Che: Pauline, everybody.

Pauline: I’m younger than Rihanna. I’m only 29.

Weekend Update Russian Forces Slow Down Germany Increases Military Production

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.] Well, we’re now at the point where in every press conference, the President’s asked, “Will there be a nuclear war?” A journalist asked President Biden if we should be worried about nuclear war and he said no. Because what’s he going to say? “Hell, yeah, man. Start digging a bunker Jack.” It’s like when a little kid asks you where Grandpa is gonna go when he dies? You know, obviously you’re gonna say heaven. But based on some of the stuff Grampy said, you know, hell is also on the table.

[Picture changes to a tank]

Some military experts have been surprised that despite having superior firepower, the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment, poor motivation and inept leadership. So basically, they’re the Lakers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of Germany at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Germany is now joining the EU to send arms to Ukraine, which is the first time Germany has ramped up military production since that little six year gap in their history books.

[Picture changes to Emmanuel Macron and Vladimir Putin]

French President Emmanuel Macron said that after a tense 90 minute call with Vladimir Putin, he’s convinced that the worst is yet to come. Man. It’s amazing how much suffering could have been avoided if Putin was just a few inches taller.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lindsey Graham at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senator Lindsey Graham who gives this exact same look at the urinal created a controversy on Twitter by suggesting that Russian should end the war in Ukraine by assassinating Vladimir Putin. It is a shocking disgusting example of Lindsey Graham being kind of right about something.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Russian Vodka at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Governors in several states including New Hampshire, Ohio and Utah have banned the sale of Russian made vodka. No word yet on brides.

[Picture changes to members of congress]

Many of the members of Congress attending the State of the Union wore blue and yellow to show their support for Ukraine, while Kamala Harris wore all brown to do what she’s done for the last year, disappearing to the background.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen here being told someone’s pronouns, DeSantis yelled at students behind him at an indoor event to take off their masks saying, “Stop with this COVID theater.” And there’s nothing more on brand for conservatives than a dad screaming at boys to give up theater.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Vaccine requirement lifted” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starting on Monday, New York City will no longer require bars and restaurants to pretend to look at vaccination cards. The city will be lifting its vaccine mandate for indoor dining and events. “Finally!”, said the next variant.

Weekend Update Kate McKinnon on Floridas Dont Say Gay Bill

Colin Jost

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this week Florida’s controversial “Don’t say gay” bill passed its final state senate committee. Here to comment is Kate McKinnon.

[Kate McKinnon slides in.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Kate. Thank you for being here.

Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry to barge in here out of costume. I just heard about this law. And I think it’s amazing.

Colin Jost: You do?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. Because, you know, when I was in middle school in the 90s, I was kind of like tortured by the constant use of the word gay. Like, you know, “That’s so gay” or “Ew, you’re gay.” It just made me feel horrible and to hear that Ron Dis Candice has taken a stand and said, “No, you cannot say gay in school anymore.” I’m just like, I’m so jazzed. And in Florida of all places.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Yeah. So, actually, I feel like there’s been a misunderstanding. The law actually means that you can’t acknowledge that gay exists at all.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, like teachers can’t speak about gay people in history or if a kid has a gay family member.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, and if a kid confides that they’re gay to a teacher, the teacher has to out them to their parents.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, sorry to break this to you. It’s probably affecting what you were gonna say.

Kate McKinnon: No, yeah. Okay, well, that’s okay. Oh, no, I’ll say something. It’s just that thing of like, when they say “Don’t say gay,” then it’s like stuck in your head. But it’s fine. Okay. Anyway, I am deeply gay. Sorry. Deeply concerned. It just feels like this is gonna make kids gay and trans– Sorry, depressed and suicidal. And I just think these laws are lesbians. Sorry. Unconscionable, unconscionable.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you ended up saying gay a couple of times.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Well, I’m just trying to make sense of all this. Like, does this don’t say gay law have a purpose?

Colin Jost: Well, I think it’s so kids aren’t going home with questions that parents don’t want to answer. I don’t know what the idea is.

Kate McKinnon: So like, one kid can say I live with my parents, but another one has to say I live in a house with two adult men who bought me when I was young? That’s good. They’ll be less confused.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it does sound like it would be more confusing.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, look Colin, if the 90s right and gay means bad, than this is the gayest law I have ever seen. So kids, listen up. If you can’t say it, you might as well sing it.

[singing in the rhythm of ‘Smoke on the water’] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay

Colin Jost: Kate McKinnon, everyone.

Weekend Update Euphoria Fans Criticize Creator Dunkins Shamrock Macchiato

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Serena Williams at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Serena Williams criticized the New York Times after it mistakenly printed a picture of her sister Venus Williams and labeled it as Serena. Worse, The Times then sent an apology letter to Wendy Williams.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictre of Euphoria poster at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Fans of the hit HBO show Euphoria had been harshly criticized in the series creator for sexualizing the high school characters. Plus it’s just not accurate. I mean, take it from me, no one has sex in high school. [Picture changes to Colin Jost’s old picture from high school.] Don’t applause that much.

[Picture changes to Capitol building]

The House voted to award the Congressional Gold Medal to the only all female black unit to serve in World War II. And Tyler Perry plays them all and his new film” Inglourious Bersterds”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dubai’s museum at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dubai has opened the museum of the future which attempts to show what the world will be like in 50 years. And let’s just say the museum does not feature a polar bear exhibit.

[Picture changes to a dark room]

A new study finds that 11% of American adults are afraid of the dark, especially if that dark is behind them at the ATM.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictire of Shamrock Macchiato by Dunkin at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dunkin has announced a new beverage called the Shamrock macchiato which combines espresso vanilla and Irish cream. It’s the festive sugary drink that will have you saying “Top O’ the morning” and losing the bottom O’ your leg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet with $4000 returned tot he owner” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in Times Square returned a lost while it filled with $4,000 cash to its rightful owner. When told how much money was in the return wallet, the man replied… [sound of a gunshot] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the game Wheel of Fortune at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pat Sajak is asking Wheel of Fortune fans to stop making fun of the two contestants who were unable to solve an easy puzzle saying, “Have a little heart”, or as the contestants would guess, “Hayes a nipple heave.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking 1st March at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tuesday was National Pig day, but I told that to a pig and he handcuffed me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whiskey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, just one drink a day may shrink overall volume of your brain. Though I think I speak for all alcohol enthusiast when I say, “Ba?”

Workplace Harrassment

Maria… Cecily Strong

Donald… Oscar Isaac

Kevin… Kenan Thompson

Deborah… Aidy Bryant

Lyle… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Maria and Donald holding the HR meeting]

Maria: All right, everybody settled?

Donald: Everyone settle in, okay?

Maria: Let’s settle in everyone.

Donald: Please settle, please settle.

Kevin: We’re settled.

Donald: Okay. All right. For those of you who don’t know us, my name is Donald.

Maria: And my name is Maria. And we are your HR representatives here at Lynx Pharmaceuticals.

Donald: That’s right? We’re the ones that you come to when you have anonymous complaints. Like when Deborah told us what Kevin was doing.

Kevin: [looking at Deborah] You ratted on me, Deborah.

Deborah: I didn’t. I did not. No. I mean, why would I even care that you wait outside the women’s room and say “How did it go in there?”

Kevin: Just a simple good or bad would suffice.

Maria: Guys? We’re not here to lecture Kevin again.

Donald: God knows we spent enough time on Kevin, thanks to complaints from Deborah and Lyle.

Maria: Guys, today is our annual harassment seminar. And I know what you’re thinking, “We have to sit through this again? I’m gonna blow my fricking brains out.”

Donald: “Argh! This whole spiel again? I’m gonna blow my god damn brains out.”

Ego: Please stop saying that.

Maria: We promise we are going to get this over with as quickly as possible so you can get back to work.

Donald: That’s right. And Kevin can get back to peeking under bathroom stalls.

Kevin: [looking at Lyle] You told him about that?

Lyle: Your face was fully under my stall.

Maria: Okay, this is real simple, guys. We’re just going to run through a couple scenarios and you guys tell us whether they’re appropriate or inappropriate. Okay?

Donald: Here’s the first one.

Maria: What if Maria says to Donald – “Wow, looks like those workouts you’ve been doing are really paying off.”

Ego: I would say that’s inappropriate.

Maria: Wrong.

Donald: Let’s try another one. Okay, what if Donald said to Maria – “Wow, how often are you going to the gym? Your body is seriously fantastic.”

Deborah: I mean, that’s very inappropriate.

Donald: Sorry, no.

Maria: Try to really focus this time. Maria comes up behind Donald and says, “Damn, do you live at the gym or something? Because that juicy booty slack.”

Bowen: Wildly inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s not because I’m her boss.

Maria: See? Try to really listen, guys.

Donald: Okay. What if Maria’s boss said to Maria – “Hey, when are you going to start banging out kids? The clock is ticking baby.”

Bowen: Again, very inappropriate.

Maria: What if my boss is my grandfather? And he just really wants grandkids.

Bowen: Okay, but he shouldn’t be saying it at work in front of other people.

Deborah: And wait, I thought Donald was your boss.

Donald: [mocking] I thought Donald was– You know what? This isn’t a game Deborah. Next slide.

Maria: Donald says to Maria – “Hey, N word, are you going to the gym later? Or am I gonna have to drag your thick ass there myself?”

Bowen: It’s really awful and inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s fine.

Ego: Actually, it’s not.

Maria: He didn’t mean that N word. He meant nice.

Bowen: He was saying “Hey, nice”?

Maria: Yeah. Because he’s a chatty and he says “Hey, you’re nice”, all the time.

Ego: That’s also inappropriate.

Donald: Not if she is my boss.

Lyle: Also, why  all of these examples about the two of you?

Maria: Wow! The two of us? That’s how you see it.

Donald: Wow. So you see a man and a woman working together, so automatically you think they’re having raw intercourse?

Lyle: No one said that.

Maria: You see a woman in a hot skirt suit, nothing underneath and just because your eyes are going “Ahoo-kaa” hoping she’s gonna take a bite out of her boss’s fat bottom sandwich, that automatically means they’re about to have raw intercourse.

Deborah: Stop saying raw intercourse.

Donald: Oh, will you shut up Deborah? Kevin was worried about what he said during the investigation. You are an uptight bitch.

Deborah: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Maria: Exactly. [Maria and Donald start clapping]

Donald: You hear that? It’s clapping.

Maria: We’re clapping for you. Because we’re not your HR representatives.

Donald: No. We’re from a group called “It could be worse.” And we show employees that no matter how bad your workplace environment might be, it could be worse.

Maria: It could be way worse.

Ego: What are we supposed to do with this information?

Donald: Right? So I want you all to walk back into your offices, take a deep breath, just start typing.

Ego: He has no idea what we do.

Donald: Right when you’re finished taping your types, you just go home for the day. The women to their hunky husbands and the men to their shrill, nagging wives. And I want you to think about us and how we showed you a new way to work, a new way to live, maybe even a new way to love.

Maria: You’ll wonder, “What ever happened to those two? Did they end up going to the men’s room and having raw intercourse?”

Donald: And the answer is yes. Yes, they did.

[Maria and Donald walk out] [Kevin is wearing a GoPro camera on his forehead]

Kevin: Unrelated, which stall are you going to be using?

All: Kevin!

Paw Patrol

Mayor… Ego Nwodim

Herb Tangier… Oscar Isaac

[The show Paw Patrol starts]

Male voice: Paw Patrol.

Mayor: As Mayor of Adventure Bay, I hereby present the Paw Oatrol with this medal of bravery for stopping that out of control hot air balloon. With you pups on patrol, our city is in good hands.

Puppy 1: Do you mean good paws?

[All laughing]

Male voice: Enough is enough.

[Cut to 2]

Herb Tangier: I’m City Councilman Herb Tangier. Mayor Goodway has put all our lives at risk with her paw patrol initiative, and I say it’s time to vote her out. This may have fired all of us that is police officers, firefighters and paramedics, and replace them with a group of six talking dogs. I think that was a bad idea. And I’m not alone. Listen to these concerns citizens.

Concerned citizen 1: I was excited about the paw patrol at first. Talking dogs who know how to fly jets and drives. Great. But it’s become clear that six dogs cannot protect a city roughly the size of San Diego.

Herb Tangier: Criminals and lowlifes are flocking here because they know there’s only one cop patrolling our streets, and it’s a dog.

Concerned citizen 2: And there’s only one firefighter, also a dog. So if there’s two fires at the same time, someone’s getting screwed I guess? Who is in charge of this organization? A child?

Herb Tangier: Yes! Paw Patrol is run by a 10 year old boy named Ryder. Who is this kid? Beats me. As far as we can tell, he has no parents and doesn’t go to school. But maybe, that’s for the best because with all of our tax dollars paid for all these cockapoos jetpacks, we now have the worst schools in the state. This is my 17 year old son. [his son walks in] He can barely read.

Son: I can read I just don’t know what sounds vowels make when they’re next to other letters in a line.

Herb Tangier: Mayor Goodway, this is your fault and you need to go.

Concerned citizen 1: Fact. Our city’s COVID response was a national disgrace. Why? Because six dogs were in charge of it.

Concerned citizen 2: Fact, chased the police dogs only weapon is a Net. Question. How is a Net going to help if a lunatic on bath salts is eating my face? Answer? It won’t.

Concerned citizen 3: Fact. Marshall, the fire dog is my favorite one. He’s the funniest pup by far and the coolest by a mile. But I don’t think you can carry me down a flight of stairs because you got no hands.

Herb Tangier: Fact, I also like Marshall the best. He’s super brave and his jokes never miss. But do we feel safe? No. Listen to this actual 911 call.

911: Paw Patrol and we’re ready to roll. This is Ryder. What’s your emergency?

Citizen: It’s my girlfriend man. She’s no waking up. Her eyes are rolled back. I think she’s OD’ing, man!

911: Ummm…… Please hold!

[Paw Patrol music playing. Then call ends.]

Herb Tangier: Unacceptable. And that’s not the only emergency this Paw Patrol has bungled. Just ask my sister.

Sister: I went into labor early. I was alone and call 911 for help and told them my water broke. So they sent Zuma, the water rescue dog to my home. He didn’t understand what was happening and sat there chewing on his upper body while I gave birth on my kitchen floor.

Herb Tangier: Disgraceful. But it gets worse.

Concerned citizen 2: Recently, my wife was in a terrible accident. And who came to break this earth shaking news to me and my children? A Bulldog in a hard hat. It midway through telling us, he started doing that scooting thing dogs do where they put their hind legs under them and drag their itchy ass across the floor. Enough is enough.

Herb Tangier: Mayor Goodway, the numbers don’t lie. 258 unsolved murders. 36 car jackings a day. 0 sex crime units in our police force because the Paw Patrol and their 10 year old boss don’t know what sex is. And one, one chance to take our city back by voting yes. To recall Mayor Goodway in next week special election. Let’s make our voice heard and get my wife out of office!

Oscar Isaac Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar Isaac.

[Oscar Isaac walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Oscar Isaac: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. This is my first time hosting SNL. They actually asked me to host back in 2015. But I said “No, I’m not ready. I want to wait till after the pandemic.” And they were like, “What pandemic?”

My name is Oscar Isaac, but my full name is Óscar Isaac Hernández Estrada. I said to Hollywood, you can pick two of these names. Guess what they went with? The white ones. I’m half Guatemalan, half Cuban. Or casting directors call that ethnically ambiguous. According to them I can play anything from a Pharaoh to Timothée Chalamet’s daddy. You know that joke? A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. Yeah, I could play anyone in that joke.

But I am excited. I’m joining the Marvel Universe with Moon Knight. It’s kind of a full circle moment since the first movie I was ever in was called “The Avenger”. Not “The Avengers”, which was a massive blockbuster. No, no, this was “The Avenger” which is a movie that I wrote, directed and starred in when I was 10 years old. It was shot on location in my buddy Bruce Ferguson’s backyard in our hometown of Miami, Florida. I play a ninja assassin training to fight his nemesis and we actually have a clip. This is real. Check this out. [Cut to old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid doing kungfu stuff.] Okay, there’s the opening title. And there I am kind of losing my balance a little bit at perfect editing. And here comes my big stunt. A trained two months for this. [he breaks a stick] Ya!

[Cut back to Oscar Isaac]

I mean, arguably better than the real Avengers. And I made it for half the budget only $110 million. But I took it really seriously. Maybe a little too seriously, like in this scene. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] Okay, they’re enacting my heart out and there’s my friend’s dad cleaning the pool. [Cut back to Isaac Oscar] Shout out to Mr. Ferguson. Shout out to my buddy Bruce. He’s at home watching and he had no idea our old movie was gonna be on SNL. I actually had to sign a licensing agreement to show it. It’s true. NBC Universal now owns the Avenger. Coming this fall to Peacock.

I’ve got one more clip. This is a scene I did with myself where I play both parts. Okay, here we go. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] That’s that’s me on my own henchmen. Oh no, that’s what I do with a sword. Total commitment from the start. Now you might be asking, “Oscar, why did you use your monologue to show us these old home videos?” And the reason is, it’s important to encourage kids to be weirdos. Because every once in a while, one of those weirdos grows up to host SNL.

We got a great show for you tonight. Charli XCX is here. So stick around we’ll be right back.


Sarah Sherman

Alan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Sarah and Alan talking]

Sarah: And that’s why he didn’t go to grad school. Amazing.

Alan: You know, had a great time tonight.

Sarah: Me too. We’ve had three incredible dates.

Alan: Yeah, definitely. Hey, can I ask you something?

Sarah: Anything?

Alan: What do you always wear that green ribbon around your neck?

Sarah: [nervous] What do you mean?

Alan: I’ve just never seen you without it. Why don’t you take it off?

Sarah: I hoped you wouldn’t notice. Look, Alan, I’ll show you but please don’t let it affect the way you see me.

Alan: Of course.

Sarah: All right, here we go.

[Sarah opens takes off the ribbon from her neck. There’s a huge ball of meat hanging on her neck. The ball is singing]

There. Now you know. There’s a little meatball guy on the side of my neck and every time I take the green ribbon off and expose him to light, he wakes up and sings his little songs. Does that clear things up for you?

Alan: Totally. 100%.

Sarah: Now, where were we? [leaning to kiss]

Alan: Just one question. Is that little tiny hands sticking off the top of your shirt?

Sarah: Urgh. I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. [Sarah opens the button of her shirt. There’s another ball of meat on her chest singing.] And to answer your question, yes, they harmonize and sing together in time.

[The two balls start singing together]

Then there’s these guys.

[She has two more on her arm]

And  this one kind of munches on a block of cheese.

[There’s another one on her shoulder holding a piece of cheese]

And this one just kind of spits up.

[There’s another one on her stomach that’s vomiting.]

And the Big Daddy brings it all together.

[There’s another one on her thigh singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
singing our little meatball song
We are little meatball men
join us please and sing along

Alan: Okay. Yeah, I think I get it. You can go ahead and cover them now

Sarah: Oh, no, no. Once they get on a roll like this, it’s better to just keep on going until they get tuckered out.

[The balls are singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
made of balls of body meat

we are little meatball men
snacking on our cubes of cheese

my name is chunky

and my name is Poppolim

my name is Joby

my name is Jim

Alan: Have you ever talked to a doctor about getting them removed?

Sarah: No, it’s not necessary. After a few years, they just dry up and fall off into the toilet.

Meatball: Hey, buddy, I’m hungry. Give me some on cheese.

[The vomiting meatball vomits on Alan’s shirt]

Alan: Oh, gross.

Sarah: Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s not poisonous or anything. It’ll just stain your clothes. And it is poisonous.

Alan: Okay, look. Sam, I think we’re moving too fast.

Meatball: Oh no, here he comes.

Meatball: Oh, this is so awkward. I can’t bear to watch.

Sarah: Are you serious? You’re dumping me? Just coming out of nowhere. I mean, I suppose if I had to guess, I’d say it had maybe something to do with the meatball?

Alan: No. No. [pausing] Oh yeah, it’s the meatballs.

Sarah: Wow. [sobbing]

Alan: Hey, I’m sorry. Is that a piano in your armpit?

[Sarah shows her armpit. Charli XCX is singing there]

Charli XCX: Don’t give up on love just because of some meatballs
Don’t give up on this girl because she’s got a little meatballs
Someday you’ll realize, that in the end
true love will always win

Meatball: And I’m Jim

Alan: You know what? The meatballs are right. I wanna make it work.

Sarah: Really?

Meatballs: We finally got a boyfriend! Yay!

[They kiss. Alan immediately starts to choke]

Alan: What the hell?
Sarah: Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. They’re extremely contagious.

Alan: [screaming] No!

Inventing Chloe

[Starts with Chloe watching TV show Inventing Anna in her office]

Chloe: Anna Delvey gets whatever she wants.

TV: Your money is coming. Why couldn’t you just listen?

[Andrew Dismukes walks by]

Chloe: Hey, Andrew. Where’d you get that sandwich?

Andrew: Oh, they’re just not in the writers room.

Chloe: Oh, great. I’m starving.

Andrew: This was actually the last one.

Chloe: Oh, okay. [Chloe looks at Anna Delvey for few seconds] Andrew, wait. [changes her voice like Anna Delvery] That’s actually my sandwich.

Andrew: What? And what is the voice?

Chloe: My sandwiches in your mouth? Gives me my sandwich.

Andrew: Okay, yeah. Sorry. I didn’t know.

[Chloe is happy with what happened] [Tomorrow, Chloe walks in office wearing fancy clothes. Her colleagues are eating]

Chloe: This food is basic. Chips are broke ass. We need something more exclusive, more VIP. Like, Nobu. Run it on my car.

[throws a card]

Staff: This is a MetroCard.

Chloe: Run it again.

[walks into Kyle’s room]

Hey, little boy. Lorne says that’s my couch now

Kyle: Lorne said that? Because I brought this from my home.

Chloe: I’ll show you his text is on the way. He’s in the Hamptons right now. Reception is very bad. Very VIP.

Kyle: That does sound like Lorne.

[James Austin Johnson is practicing his Joe Biden impression]

James: Fello Americans–

Chloe: Lorne says I’ll do Biden now.

James: He didn’t say anything to me.

Chloe: Text is on the way. Give me the teeth.

[James spits the artificial teeth on Chloe’s palm] [Chloe walks to Michael Che]

Chloe: Lorne says I’ll host Update now.

Michael: Alright. Bet.

[Michael leaves with his suitcase] [Chloe has ordered all fancy food for the staff]

Staff: I still didn’t get a card.

Chloe: You’re being so dramatic. The wire transfer is on the way cool oysters.

[Oscar Isaac walks in]

Oscar: Ooh, cool. Oysters.

Chloe: What are you wearing? You look ha!

Oscar: I look what now?

Chloe: Pa!

Oscar: Pa?

Chloe: Perr!

Oscar: Pah?

Chloe: Purr!

Oscar: Pe?

Chloe: Pruu!

Oscar: Pur?

Chloe: Haw!

Oscar: Poor?

Chloe: Poor, yes.

Oscar: I look poor. Oh!

Chloe: I loved you in Dune, by the way.

Oscar: Thanks.

Chloe: Say hi to Tiffany Chalamet.

[walking down the hall]

From now all my customers are Scalia, Karolina, Harara, and [gibberish]

Staff: [asking about the payment for the food] Hey, Chloe, any update on that wire transfer? I’m in really deep.

Chloe: [yelling] I do not have time for this. I do not have time for you. I’m a masterpiece, bitches. I can pay. I can pay. [Chloe gets dizzy and falls] Y’all keep challenging me. I can pay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kate: Chloe. [Kate picks Chloe up] Here you go. I can’t help but notice, you’ve been Delveying everyone today.

Chloe: I can pay.

Kate: You don’t have to do this. The hair, the glasses. The Russian accent, it’s also German. You don’t need that. You just got to be confident. The real Delvey is inside of you. It has been all along.

Chloe: You’re right. I’m sorry.

Kate: It’s okay. I’m just glad I stopped this before anyone got hurt and there were any real consequences.

[the staff asking for food payment is being arrested]

Chloe: Well, I guess I won’t be needing these anymore. [pulling off the glasses] Bye Kate.

Kate: Bye. [Chloe walks away] There can only be one Delvey around here. [puts on her glasses and changes her voice] Very VIP.

Home Repair Show

Gus… Kenan Thompson

Tommy… Kyle Mooney

Felix… Oscar Isaac

Carlisa… Ego Nwodim

[Start s with show intro]

Intro song: You thought you could fix it by yourself
plumbing’s just as easy as building a shelf
When your DIY become OMG
You’re in over your head.

[Cut to Gus in his set]

Gus: Well, hello, I’m Gus Vantant. And welcome to In Over Your Head, where we talk to folks who got a little overconfident taking on projects around the house. Sponsored by Thumb Ice. Did you whack your thumb with a hammer like a cartoon idiot? Numb the pain with Thumb Ice. Okay, our first guest is Tommy Dorian, who says he tried to install his own pool. Oh-oh! Come on in, Tommy.

[Tommy walks in. His hair and shoulders are wet.]

Tommy: Hi.

Gus: All right, well, looks like your hair’s still a little wet from the pool there, Tommy.

Tommy: No, that’s unrelated.

Gus: Okay, so tell us what was behind your thinking behind building your own pool?

Tommy: Well, my neighbor put one in. Hired whole crew and an architect, whole nine yards. I thought it’s basically a hole puts a hose, why overthink it?

Gus: And when did things go wrong?

Tommy: Almost immediately, Guss. My problem started when I tried to pour the concrete while I was still digging to save time.

Gus: Oh, wow.

Tommy: Oh, wow. That’s right. Cut to I’m up to my waist in hard concrete screaming, “Help, someone turn off the hose.”

Gus: So you were already running the hose?

Tommy: To fill the pool to save time. Yes. Had to have it open for New Year’s.

Gus: Well looking back, any regrets?

Tommy: I do wish I hadn’t punctured my septic tank. That’s a whole different kind of pool.

Gus: Thanks for coming, Tommy.

Tommy: Thanks for allowing me.

[Tommy walks out]

Gus: Well, our next guest thought he should “do his own electrical.” Please welcome Felix Cruz.

[Felix walks in. He has burn marks all over his body and face.]

Felix: Hello. Hey, Guys. Long time, first time.

Gus: You mean longtime watcher, first time guest?

Felix: No, first time electrocuted, long time it hurt.

Gus: So how did you decide to do your own electrical work?

Felix: Yeah, I keep telling my wife it’s just wires. Babe, it’s just wires. Honey, nothing’s gonna happen, it’s wires. You know when you see a guy diffusing bulbs in the movie, you think “I could do that.”

Gus: I’ve never thought that.

Felix: Well, I have. A lot. So I thought “What the hell? I’m gonna install my own circuit breaker.”

Gus:  Oh my god.

Felix: No, no, trust me. There is no God. Now, the whole idea of a breaker is to stop a power surge. Right? So I think I should start with the power dialed all the way up because that’s what I’m trying to protect myself against. Right?

Gus: That is very bad logic.

Felix: So, I got these thing cranked up higher than lightning. And I’m like trying to screw in the middle schools, right?

Gus: No, not right.

Felix: Cut to I fly so hard through a sheet of drywall that my scream physically detaches from my body and travels at a slower speed. Kind of like Peter Pan’s shadow detaching from his body.

Gus: Yeah, I get it.

Felix: So after I hit the steel support column, wiping out the entire first floor of my home, I am hit in the face by my own scream. It’s wild, right?

Gus: Yeah, wild. And what did you learn from all of this?

Felix: Gloves? You got you got to wear gloves?

Gus: Well, thank you, Felix.

Felix: Yes. Excited to get my check.

Gus: There’s no check. Alright. And final guest says that she’s been trying to repair her home for months. Please welcome– What? This can’t be right. My wife, Carlisa. [Carlisa walks in] Hey, baby. What you doing here?

Carlisa: Oh, just trying to repair my home. [pointing at Gus] This damn fool is out here pretending he’s a big expert. Meanwhile, his own house is literally falling apart.

Gus: Well, if you have a problem, baby, I’m happy to fix it.

Carlisa: With what? This is your toolbox. But that no tools in here though. It’s just cans of Blatz beer.

Gus: Ay, I’ve been looking for those.

Carlisa: There’s no tools in this whole goofy ass workshop. It’s just chocolate bars that look like tools.

Gus: Sometimes I get a little hobby.

Carlisa: Meanwhile, our toilet hasn’t worked in months. I opened the lid of the tank and saw this.

[There’s a picture of water container filled with ice and sausages.]

Gus: Well, you never know when you might need ice cold hot dog.

Carlisa: And then you snuck some crushed up peanut shells into our son’s lunch to try to prove that he was faking his peanut allergy.

[son walks in. His tongue is full of allergies blabbering and complaining, angry at Gus.]

Gus: Well, the important thing is that I trust you now. Okay. I still think he might be exaggerating a little bit.

Carlisa: Gus, what do you have to say for yourself?

Gus: Look, I think it’s pretty clear that I’m “In Over My Head.”

Carlisa: No, don’t you dare sing that damn jingle to me? No. This man sucked up a wasp nest with a vacuum and now he won’t even throw it away.

Gus: Listen, Dyson–

Carlisa: Idiot. You’re an idiot.

Gus: [giving her chocolate that looks like a tool.] You want some of this?