Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Bill Lee.]
Tennessee Governor Bill Lee has signed a new law banning public drag performances with a six year prison sentence for repeat offenders. As first predicted in the now documentary, Madea goes to jail.
A Tennessee state senator said the bill will prevent kids from being “Blindsided by a sexualized performance in public.” What are you talking about? Drag shows don’t just pop up like flash mobs and sprinkle gay dust on your kids. I never accidentally happened upon a drag show and I grew up in New York City. Now I have been blindsided by a sexualized performance a few times, but that’s just what you get when you take the bus.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Department of Energy logo.]
Michael Che: The US Energy Department concluded that COVID likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market. So I gave up in bats for nothing?[Picture changes to Scott Adams and his cartoon Dilbert]
Newspapers around the country dropped the cartoon strip Dilbert after creator Scott Adams said he chose to live in a community where no black people live. So he lives in your building, huh Colin?[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Scott Adams and his cartoon Dilbert.]
Colin Jost: No. Newspapers dropped the cartoon strip effective immediately, and to rub it in there replacing Dilbert with Peanuts: Oops all Franklin.
Dilbert creator Scott Adams racist rant was in response to the results of a poll that asked respondents the question, “Is it okay to be white?” Oh, I’d say it’s more than just okay. [picture changes to Colin Jost holding a bunch of cash] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of George Santos.]
Michael Che: The house the House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. “Well, thank God I’m not George Santos,” said George Santos.[picture changes to Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis.]
Donald Trump accused Ron DeSantis of wanting to cut Social Security and Medicare and called the Florida Governor a wheelchair over the cliff kind of guy. Wheelchair over the cliff is also how Melania will finally get rid of him.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TikTok logo and Chinese flat.]
Colin Jost: House Republicans concerned that China could use TikTok to illegally gather information on Americans, had voted for a bill that could ban the app nationwide. Replied Tiktok users…[music playing] [Colin start pointing at random directions where the words pop up, like the TikTok trending videos. The words say “We need to storm the Capitol.”] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jill Biden.]
Michael Che: That’s how he really dances too. First lady Jill Biden said in an interview that she maintains a good balance in the types of advice she offers President Biden, but it’s mostly “Hold on to the railing.” [picture changes to Joe Biden falling on a stairs] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alex Murdaugh.]
Colin Jost: This week, South Carolina Attorney Alex Murdaugh was found guilty of murder and also found guilty of looking like Will Ferrell dressed as Conan O’Brien.