Airport Sushi

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Bird… Kenan Thompson

Sushi Chef… Cecily Strong

Mouse… Alex Moffat

Air-hostess… Chloe Fineman

Aunt Annie… Kate McKinnon

Baby… Beck Bennett

Jake Gyllenhaal

Mikey Day

Bowen Yang

David Byrne

[Starts with Chris and Pete buying stuffs at airport store.]

Chris: Yeah, I’ll get this Chobani Yogurt with no spoon to eat it with please.

Pete: Yeah, and I’d like a bottle of water that will roll to the back of the plane as soon as we take off.

John: Alright. $15, Dasani water, extra plastic.

Pete: And, you know what? I will grab a sushi too.

[John looks at Pete with shock]

John: I’m sorry?

Pete: The sushi, you know? The spicy tuna roll that’s sitting in on the display case next to the ham and cheese panini.

John: [hesitating] You’re sure you wanna eat the sushi?

Chris: You’re buying sushi at LaGuardia airport? Have you lost your damn mind?

Pete: What? I want a nice balance of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man.

John: Your wish is my command, Kimasabi. [speaking in loud voice] Oh, phantom of LaGuardia, why don’t you tell this fine young man how he’ll feel after he eats our sushi?

[music playing] [A bird wearing a mask appears.] [The store changes into a performance stage. There’s smoke and lights.]

Bird: [singing] In dreams it’s haunting you
that fish you ate
the expiration date
ends in one-eight
and still you’re choosing it
as food for plane
The Phantom of LeGuardia is there
it smells insane

Sushi Chef: I am the sushi chef
that made that roll
the fish inside of it
crawled out of hole
yet you’re consuming it
this great mistake
you’d honestly be so much better off
eating a Wuhan snake

[music stops]

Chris: Is he supposed to be a pigeon?

John: No. He’s one of the geese that took down Sully’s plane.

Bird: Miracle on the Hudson. More like, massacre in the sky.

Pete: And there’s just a bird loose in the terminal?

John: Of course, there is. Haven’t you been to LaGuardia before?

[music playing] [singing] I like to be at LaGuardia
lots of delays at LaGuardia
two small for planes at LaGuardia

Bird: Watched a man die in LaGuardia

Sushi Chef: Baggage claim carousel cling clang

John: Outlets are there for a cool prank

Sushi Chef: Ha-ha, loose fire hangs from the ceiling
Bird: Gives you a skanky old feeling

[a mouse and an air-hostess join them]

All: I like to be at LaGuardia
It’s time to breathe at LaGuardia
we might have sealed LaGuardia
who can we blame for LaGuardia?

[music stops] [Aunt Annie runs in]

Aunt Annie: I’ll tell you who you can blame.

John: Aunty orphan Annie?

[music playing]

Aunt Annie: When anything’s bad, De Blasio
throw your hands up and say De Blasio
you’ll feel shamed
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
but it still feels like De Blasio is to blame

Sushi Chef: Why are there five planes on the tarmic?

Aunt Annie: But the taxis must stay three miles away

All: De Blasio, De Blasio
the cops hate De Blasio
he’ll keep every song away

[music stops]

John: And look, here comes [everyone starts snapping their fingers] a crying baby about to board a trans-continental flight.

[a baby walks in snapping his finger.] [music playing]

Baby: Gu-gu-ga-ga, gu-gu-ga-ga
I’m screaming cry voice
got a stripe rope in my diaper
oh, it’s a stinky stool boy

John: Just play it cool, baby. Real cool.

Baby: If my parents are looking for me, which they’re not, I’ll be in the kid’s playground that’s also a pet relief area. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

John: Wow, they let a baby through security.

[Jake walks in. He’s wearing pajamas.]

Jake: Did someone say security?

[cheers and applause]

John: Hello, guy who travels in pajamas.

Jake: That’s right. I dress so that TSA could have easy access to my body.

[music playing]

So, if you care to search me
I’ll spread my legs real wife

I’ll even bend over for you
you can take a peek inside

[Jake starts levetating]

you can tell that I enjoy security
you can search way up in my cavity
you can pack me down
you don’t have to use the front of your hands

[music stops]

John: Okay, Jesus. We get it. You can continue on to Cleveland now.

Jake: How did you know I was going to Cleveland?

John: That’s where everyone at LaGuardia is going, like it or not.

[Jake levetates away] [Mikey is announcing from the United Express booth.]

Mikey: Attention, we have  gate change for passengers going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A-7. Your new gate is G-46. It is physically impossible for you to make it to that gate in time and the plane will leave indeed. Thank you.

Pete: Man, I told you we should have left at JFK.

[Bowen walks in. He’s an Asian wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Ha-ha. And I guess I should have stayed home.

[John moves away from him screaming]

Oh, relax! I’m not sick. I’m just…

[music playing] profiled Asian
standing beside you
if I cough then it’s over
you’ll get off the plane
profiled Asian
no, I wasn’t in “Parasite”
I know the virus is bad but
it’s coming from Italy too

[music stops]

Chris: Man, this airport is it’s own world.

John: Yes. A third world.

[David walks in. He is a baggage handler.]

David: And if you stay here long enough, you will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia.

John: Wow, it’s the baggage handler who tosses everyone’s suitcase into Long Island sound.

David: That’s right. And you should know that…

[music playing]

All: We’re on a plane to nowhere
hop on in side

they say it’s about to take off
but that is a lie
sure, it will start to taxi
but then it comes back
we’re on a road to one motel
overnight, let’s go find

Weekend Update- Leslie Jones on the 2018 Winter Olympics

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Hilary Knight

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Winter Olympics ended this Sunday. Here to give her firsthand report is SNL’s number one Olympics fan, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in. He is wearing USA jersey.] [cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Wooo! What’s up? Yeah! How are you doing?

Colin Jost: I’m doing good, Leslie. So you actually went to Pyeongchang. How was Korea?

Leslie Jones: Oh, my god! It was so awesome! I am a 6 foot black woman. You think I stand out in America? Everybody in Korea was 4 foot 1. They either thought I was an athlete or a god. Some of them thought I was a transformer but transformer don’t eat Korean barbecue like that. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: So, you enjoyed the Winter Olympics?

Leslie Jones: Man, I loved it, Colin. And I didn’t think I would. Until this year, honestly, I wasn’t into the winter ones as much as the summer. But once I got to Korea, I fell in love with the events. I mean, I got to see Jamie Anderson out there riding the hash pipe. I mean–

Colin Jost: [interrupting] I think it’s actually–

Leslie Jones: [interrupting] You don’t know! Shut up! Shut up. You don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure its a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: I’m the expert.

Colin Jost: It’s a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: Whatever.

Colin Jost: And you didn’t like the bobsledding?

Leslie Jones: Woo! Yes, lord. I sure loved the Bob Sledus. That’s a man! Whoo! Those thighs were so nice for my eyes. But it turned out that my favorite event was hockey. How come nobody told me about hockey? It’s violence on ice. They punching and checking bitches at 30 miles an hour. [shouts] And did you know they got this thing called the penalty box? They send you there after you chunk a bitch. Ha-ha-ha.

Let me tell you something. If I play hockey, they will call me Penalty Box Jones. Coz that’s where I will be the whole game. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American team is bringing in Penalty Box Jones. Oh, my god! Can she do that? She doesn’t even have on skates. Is that legal?” Colin, I love hockey.

Colin Jost: Great. That’s wonderful.

Leslie Jones: And the women are better than the men. That’s right. I said it. I said it. [audience whooping] They won the gold medal on a shootout. And this woman who did a straight pot lock move was like [doing the moves] clack, clack, clow, clow. I was like, “Yo! I didn’t know you can do that.”

Colin Jost: I did not think that you’ be a hockey fan. You know, we should go sometimes to a game.

Leslie Jones: [touching Colin’s shoulder] Oh, you like hockey snow muffin?

Colin Jost: I actually play a little bit of hockey growing up. Maybe I can teach you a couple of moves. You know?

Leslie Jones: [laughing] You is so white. And you shine pretty confident. I already got a friend who said she’d give me a few pointers. Ay, Hillary.

[Hilary Knight slides in. She is wearing her hockey jersey and a gold medal.] [cheers and applause]

Yes, Colin! This is Hilary Knight. She just won the gold medal for the US women’s hockey team. [cheers and applause] Yes!

Colin Jost: Hi, Hillary. Contratulations.

Hilary Knight: Thank you. Um, I heard you played hockey growing up and you’re gonna show some moves.

[Leslie Jones is putting her ear near Colin Jost’s mouth]

Colin Jost: What? I– Well, I mean I played recreational. I don’t think I could teach you anything.

Hilary Knight: I’d love to see something.

Leslie Jones: Oh! I would love to see you try. I’d love to see you try. Ha-ha-ha-ha. So, don’t be talking about how you gonna teach me something. I got friends who are gold medal Olympians.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Get it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I got it.

Leslie Jones: Do you, Colin? Do you got it? Do you got it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think I got it.

Leslie Jones: Um, let me ask you a question. Uh, Hillary, do this with me.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run the world?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: That’s right.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run this mother?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. Hillary, tell Colin what I told you to tell him.

Hilary Knight: Colin, you’s a bitch!

[Leslie Jones laughing hard] [cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: [to audience] Why would you clap? Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: We got all your medals, y’all. Yes!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update- Kyle Mooney

Michael Che

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The Academy Awards are tomorrow. Here to break everything down is resident movie buff, Kyle Mooney.

[Kyle Mooney slides in] [cheers and applause]

Kyle Mooney: What’s up, Mike? Oscar Sunday! Let’s do this! Yay!

Michael Che: Ah! You seem pretty excited.

Kyle Mooney: Of course, man. Everybody all dressed up. It’s going down! [loud voice] Big Mike!

Michael Che: No one calls me that.

Kyle Mooney: Ha-ha. Mike, Colin, me, the boys. But um, what’s the plan on Sunday? Where are we gonna watch the the big show?

[Colin Jost and Michael Che looks confused]

Michael Che: Oh! Actually, we don’t know yet.

Colin Jost: Don’t.

Michael Che: [awkwardly] I’m still trying to figure out what I’m gonna do. Hey, who do you got for best picture this year?

Kyle Mooney: I’ll get to that. But, what about you, Colin? Don’t you usually do like, a big Oscar party, like, every year or something?

Colin Jost: What’s that? No. Sometimes. No. I’m actually not sure yet.

Kyle Mooney: Really? Coz I thought I heard some people saying you might be doing a big thing this year. That’s not going down no more?

Colin Jost: I mean, I guess I was thinking about doing something but I don’t know if it’s really gonna come together.

Kyle Mooney: Okay. [looking disappointed] Um, coz you like– Ha-ha. Coz you like– You wouldn’t just not invite me, right?

Colin Jost: What? No. If I was doing one, you would definitely be there. You’d be invited for sure.

Kyle Mooney: Dope! Alright. Let’s just do it at my place coz Michael, you said you for sure don’t have any plans yet. Right?

Michael Che: I said that? [looks at Colin]

Colin Jost: Please don’t tell him.

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what’s that?

Colin Jost: What’s that? No. Che and I were talking. We gotta figure something out later.

Kyle Mooney: Okay, how about we figure this out right now? So, Big Mike, what time are we thinking? Like, 10 AM start? I think my brother and his girl might roll over too. She actually might bring her boss.

Michael Che: So the group would be you, your brother, his girlfriend and her boss?

Kyle Mooney: Hell, yeah! And then, you and Colin. Since you guys don’t have plans.

Michael Che: [to Colin] We have to–

Kyle Mooney: Right?

Michael Che: [to Colin] We gotta tell him.

Kyle Mooney: Coz, I gotta be honest, I’m starting to think that maybe Colin is having a party and he’s not inviting me because you guys don’t like me. [Colin Jost and Michael Che are silent] I mean, this kind of feels like middle school where people would be fake to me because I didn’t wear named brand shoes. Is that the problem? That I don’t wear name brand shoes?

Colin Jost: No.

Michael Che: No.

Colin Jost: It’s definitely not.

Kyle Mooney: Okay. Well, then what is it? Say it to my face. Or invite me to your party. Oh, wait! I guess the party isn’t happening anymore even though I just found this?

[Kyle Mooney shows a flyer. It’s Colin’s Big Oscar Party flyer.]

Colin Jost: Alright, fine. Kyle, I’m sorry. I’m throwing a party. It’s just that you and I are not that close and I couldn’t invite everyone. Okay? I’m sorry, man.

Kyle Mooney: Okay. And you’re positive it has nothing to do with my shoes?

[Kyle Mooney puts his shoes on the desk. It has all the branding names wrong.]

Michael Che: What is that? Beebok? [fake Reebok]

Colin Jost: Those are Beeboks Yeah. Alright, fine. It’s coz of your off brand shoes. Okay?

Kyle Mooney: They’re cheaper. They’re just as good as the real thing. I mean, hey, we only make eight bucks an hour here, right?

Michael Che: Oh, no!

Kyle Mooney: Wait! You guys make more than that?

Michael Che: Kyle Mooney, everyone!

Kyle Mooney: Ah, man!

Weekend Update- Hope Hicks

Colin Jost

Hope Hicks… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Hope Hicks shocked many in the White House this week by announcing that she is resigning. Here to explain is Hope Hicks.

[Hope Hicks slides in] [cheers and applause]

Hope Hicks: Hello. Hey.

Colin Jost: How is it going, Hope? Now, I have to say, I’m all surprised that you’re here. I feel like I’ve never heard you speak.

Hope Hicks: No you haven’t. Coz I haven’t. No, I never have. Never had to. No one has ever pressed me on it. Like, media has been so nice to me. Like, insanely nice to me.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Why do you think they have been so nice to you?

Hope Hicks: Um, well, if I had to guess, I’d say coz my hair and face are good. But you know what? Also honestly, I just like, I try to stay out of that whole arena coz like, argh! Like, argh! Communication at the White House, it’s a mess.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And your job was?

Hope Hicks: White House Communication’s Director.

Colin Jost: Right. Right.

Hope Hicks: Yeah. Anyway, you know what? Working at the White House was like going to summer camp. You know? You make all these new friends. You barely get any sleep. And then everybody leaves after eight weeks. Plus there’s tons of cute guys there. Okay? Most are like classic bad boys, you know? Just crazy haircuts and breaking the law. And they’ve all hit a girl.

Colin Jost: Wow. That’s a bad boy?

Hope Hicks: What? No. Coz they’re men. So, they’re bad men. They’re really bad men.

Colin Jost: Okay. And you’re just okay with it?

Hope Hicks: Okay with it? I was like a kid in a candy store. I was like, [looking here and there] “I think I’m gonna like it here.”

Colin Jost: [laughing] Okay. Wow! That’s cool.

Hope Hicks: Yeah. Anyway, you know what? I really am gonna miss all my friends from my semester broad at the White House. [Colin Jost pulls out a paper and opens it] So, if you wouldn’t mind, I kind of want to read a statement I prepared.

Colin Jost: Oh, sure.

Hope Hicks: [music playing in the background][reading] Some people dance in our lives and quickly go. But they always leave footprints in our hearts and fingerprints on Russian documents. Oops!

Colin Jost: That was good. Good joke, yeah.

Hope Hicks: To Kellyanne. You taught me that a strong woman can run a campaign and win. And you showed me what I could turn into if I stick around too long. You’re like, the human version of those pictures of black lungs on cigarette boxes.

To Donnie. I’ll always be your Hopie, which is what you called me when you needed help coz your big red tie touch the toilet water. It was so much fun being the Trump translator. Like that woman who taught sign language to Cocoa the gorilla.

Colin Jost: Wait. What?

Hope Hicks: Yeah. Yeah. Coz, we had like, [showing how they did sign language. She is gesturing her speech.] Donald hungry. Donald Angry. Donald slorngry.

Colin Jost: Okay. What is slorngry?

Hope Hicks: Oh! That’s when he was sleepy, angry and horny. And Donnie, never forget our little inside joke. The meeting was about Russian adoption. [to Colin Jost] He’ll get that. You won’t get that.

Colin Jost: Sure. Sure. Yeah.

Hope Hicks: [sobbing] This is the hardest one. Ivanka, my BFF. You were the one who told me about this internship or job or what is it? And ever since then, it’s been like a never ending sleepover. Like, one where you wake up in the middle of the night and you open your eyes, you’re like, “Is that my friend’s dad in the doorway? Is he just like standing there and watching us? What is this?” And it was that moment just stretched out over three years. Parts, girl.

And everyone else at the Trump White House, I’ll see you guys at the reunion in 10 years. Seven with good behavior.

Colin Jost: Hope Hicks, everyone!

Hope Hicks: I owe so much money.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! I’m so sorry.

Weekend Update on Marijuana Possession Arrests

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a marijuana leaf and a handcuff at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that 86% of the people arrested in New York city for marijuana possession are black or latino. While the rest are black and latino.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of beer cans at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump has imposed a tariff on aluminum which will raise the price of beer by ¢4 per can. Which works out to a $1 million per month tax on Blake Shelton. [Picture changes to Blake Shelton] [Picture changes to Mahatma Gandhi]

A rare letter written by Mahatma Gandhi in which he mentions Jesus Christ is being sold at auction. Gandhi’s letter reads simply, “Jesus Christ, I’m hungry.”

Weekend Update on Hope Hicks’s Resignation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of people who were fired or who resigned the White House jobs at left top corner.]

Okay, I have a serious question. Who still works in our government? Like, who still does an actual government job? At this point, the White House is like that dead mall in your hometown. It’s just sunglasses, kiosk and a couple of raccoons fighting in a JCPenny. Hope Hicks, president Trump’s communications director and one of his longest serving advisor said Wednesday that she plan to resign to pursue other opportunities. You know things are bad when a 29 year old with no experience, who works directly for the president of the United States thinks, “I gotta get out of this dead end job.” She’s resigning to pursue other opportunities the same way people on the Titanic decided they wanted to start seeing other boats.

[Picture changes to Jared Kushner]

It was also reported this week that Jared Kushner who by the way is the only guy who makes me look ethnic, who is also stripped of his top secret security clearance this week. And at that exact moment, though he didn’t yet know why, [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] Steve Bannon got his first direction in 10 years.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of President Trump at bipartisan meeting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a bipartisan meeting to discuss school safety, president Trump called for more gun control. But NRA officials are now saying that after a private meeting with the president, he has backed off that position. Oh, really? So, he was alone in a room with a bunch of gun enthusiasts and they somehow managed to change his mind. You know, that once happened to me. I once spoke out against gang violence. But then after very private meeting with the bloods on the roof of my building, I realized I disagree with myself too.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a teacher at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Another solution propose that we should give guns to teachers. And I tried to seriously consider that idea. But then I remembered that I had catholic nuns as teachers growing up, and they definitely should no have guns. I mean, they were violent enough with a rulers. And of course, nuns are violent. I mean, imagine a regular teacher and how frustrated they are all the time. Now imagine that same teacher but they can never have sex. I mean, that’s why priests were always nicer than nuns. I mean, at least priests were having sex!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dick’s Sports Goods logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dick’s Sporting Goods has announced that in the wake of the Florida shooting, it will immediately stop selling assault rifles. Good! [Picture changes to a man hunting in a forest] Maybe now we can stop pretending that hunting is a sport because it’s not. I’ve never seen a deer get shot, then grabbed his side and said, “Ah! Good game!” You can’t just make terrorizing animals a sport because you like to do it. If you get caught having sex with a deer, you can’t be like, “Unhand me. I’m an athlete.” Shooting animals for fun is wrong. It’s not a sport. There are easier ways to feel strong and make your heart race. Like, smoking crack! If you hunt for food, just eat rice. You won’t need a gun if you just eat rice. You won’t need toilet paper either because you’re gonna take one scratchy dump a month.

[Picture changes to rifle and a handgun]

My point is we can’t just let anybody have an assault rifle same way we can’t just let any country have a nuke. Okay? I get the need that you wanna have gun protection but there’s a fine line between cautious and insane, alright? There’s a difference between carrying a condom in your wallet and wrapping your entire penis in a bubble wrap.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Barbara Streisand and three dogs at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Barbara Streisand revealed that two of her dogs are actually clones of the third one who recently passed away. Stars, they’re just like us.

[Picture changes to marijuana leaf and Las Vegas map.]

Las Vegas airport has set up new receptacles that will allow visitors to dispose of their legal marijuana before boarding a plane. The receptacles look like this. [Picture changes to Woody Harrelson] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking March month of 2018 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: March is women’s history month because March is the only month that tells you what to do. It’s March!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. March.

The Champions

Todd Hamel… Mikey Day

Charles Barkley

Alex Rodriguez

DC Timmons… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Champions intro] [Cut to Todd Hamel in his set]

Todd Hamel: Welcome to The Champions. Conversations with some of the best athletes ever to play the game. I’m your host, Todd Hamel. Today, we’re talking to huge names from three different sports. He was named one of the 50 greatest players in NBA history, sir Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: How are you doing?

[cheers and applause]

Todd Hamel: He is a 14 time all star who won the world series with the Yankeez in 2009, Alex Rodriguez.

Alex Rodriguez: Thank you for having me.

Todd Hamel: And dubbed the hardest hitting man in the NFL, legendary Pittsburgh Stealers linebacker, DC Timmons.

DC Timmons: Alright, now. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, alright! Nice to be here with these gentlemen. I admire you both playing your little games.

Charles Barkley: Little games? Come on, man!

DC Timmons: Ay! No disrespect, now. I mean, I know you have fun bouncing the baskyball, or skipping around the bases in your little tights. But football is war. Helmet to helmet. You break a finger? Suck it up, punk! You get knocked down seven times in one game, next time you better make it eight, sucker! But hey, you know what they say. If you wanna run with the big dogs, stay out of the kitchen. Coz your kitchen is full of dogs, Greg. [Putting his hand on Alex Rodriguez’s shoulder]

Alex Rodriguez: What? Who’s Greg?

DC Timmons: Exactly!

Charles Barkley: You alright, man?

DC Timmons: Ay, you alright too. [DC Timmons does fist bump with Charles Barkley] Alright. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Todd Hamel is speechless]

Todd Hamel: Um, well, DC brings up an interesting topic. Which league do you think is the toughest to plan?

Alex Rodriguez: Well, baseball has a grueling schedule with spring training and post season. You play up to 200 gams in 230 days.

Charles Barkley: Yeah. You spend half of time on the bench. The NBA is much tougher. We play 82 games. And you’re running 30 minutes a game or more.

Alex Rodriguez: Wait a minute, Charles. I watch. You weren’t always running.

Charles Barkley: Pfft!

DC Timmons: You wanna talk about running? Man, the football field is a 100 yards long. That’s 100 feet. And every foot matters, every down matters, and every kiss begins with Q.

Alex Rodriguez: I think that’s a K.

DC Timmons: Oh, sure it’s okay, Greg. [Putting his hand on Alex Rodriguez’s shoulder] You gotta get woke. It’s 2007!

Alex Rodriguez: Wow! Look, baseball players historically get injured often.

Todd Hamel: Yeah. But baseball player thinks a broken fingernail is an injury. Am I right?

DC Timmons: Ha-ha-ha! Sure you’re right, Greg! [pointing at Charles Barkley] I mean, look at the pretty boy over here. [pointing at Alex Rodriguez] A the Rod Johnson. Huh! His face still looking good. That don’t happen coming out of NFL. You see half of these teeth? [showing his teeth] Half of these teeth is fake. This eye? This eye made a sugar. Yeah. And this arm? Man! This arm was made by the wizards at industrial light and magic. [making magical noises] But it was all worth it [showing his three fingers without rings] for these four championship rings, baby! Count them up. Uno. Dos. Migos. Bekos. And that makes four.

Charles Barkley: You know what? I’ma change my mind. Football is definitely the toughest sport.

Alex Rodriguez: You know what? I change my mind too. It’s football. I mean, look at this poor dude.

[DC Timmons is looking here and there, acting all weird.]

Charles Barkley: Yeah. He’s calling everybody Greg. I’m glad NFL address these concussion rules.

DC Timmons: Come on, Greg! These new rules are ridiculous, man. Let me tell you something. Football is about– [DC Timmons stops moving]

Todd Hamel: DC?

DC Timmons: Yeah. I’ll have number three with fries and a diet coke.

Todd Hamel: [nods his head] Alright, let’s keep going. Despite the rigors of the game, each of you had a long career. Alex, you played for 22 years. And Charles, you played for 16 seasons.

Charles Barkley: I did. But the last four were in Houston. That should just count as one.

Todd Hamel: And DC, you played for [looking at the notes] nine games.

DC Timmons: Yes, sir. Nine games. Spread out over the coarse of seven seasons through the injuries and the death in the family.

Todd Hamel: Oh. I’m so sorry.

DC Timmons: Oh, no. It’s fine. I was only dead for a few minutes.

Todd Hamel: I see. Well, for every athlete, someday the game has to end. What advice do you have for former pros starting their post playing careers?

Alex Rodriguez: Well, I would say think about your next move before you leave the game. Luckily, many athletes can make money doing endorsements.

DC Timmons: Oh, I’ve been down that road just like you, pretty boy. Yeah. I’ve been up down the billboard in my underwear. Um-hmm.

Alex Rodriguez: Yeah. It’s pretty embarrassing, right?

DC Timmons: Yeah. Specially when the police got to come and get you down!

Charles Barkley: I’m worried about what football did to this man’s head.

Alex Rodriguez: Yeah. I know it’s tough for older players.

DC Timmons: Yeah. It sure is. Luckily for me, I’m only 27.

Charles Barkley: Damn!

Todd Hamel: With that, let’s take a break. When we come back, our pannel will take us through their career highlights. Stay right there.

[DC Timmons walks very close to camera]

DC Timmons: Yeah. Like I said, the number three with fries.

Todd Hamel: DC! DC!

Roach Product

Heidi Gardner

Ned… Charles Barkley

[Starts with Heidi cleaning her kitchen. She sees a cockroach walking there.]

Male voice: Let’s face it. You have a big roach problem. You’ve tried everything and sprayed harmful chemicals. But nothing seems work.

[Heidi throws away all the products that she had used before]

Until now.

[Cut to Ned. He is standing in front of waving American flag]

Ned: Hi, my name is Ned. I’ll get rid of your nasty roach problem fast and easy with my all new Ned’s Roach Away. And Ned’s, we know that only thing that can stop a bad roach is a good roach with a gun. [Cut to video of Cockroaches shooting guns at poster targets] That’s why I spent years personally training army of our own good roaches to take care and operate tiny AR-15 rifles to protect your home. For just $59.95, [Ned opens a box on Heidi’s table. An army of roaches with guns run out of the box] my roaches will patrol your cabinets, your stores and wherever those roaches like to hide.

[Cut to Heidi cleaning her bowl. A bullet flies pass her.]

Ned: The bang means it’s working. So forget about those sprays. Roaches just drink that stuff up like tequila. You might just as well put it in a pinata and throw those roaches a party. But when Ned’s roach awake, the party’s over.

[The army roaches shoot all the partying roaches]

Now, some people might say, “But Ned, won’t gun carrying roaches just add to my problem?” That’s so dumb, it makes me mad. My vet assistants make sure only the best high character god fearing roaches can carry guns. [Cut to roaches walking inside a dummy church]

It’s time to go to church.

And none of my roaches are gay.

[Cut to Heidi cleaning her plates. A bullet breaks her plate.]

And for really bad problem, you need Red’s Roach Away Max! With bump stock.

[There is shooting sound in the kitchen. They make holes on the cupboard doors.]

Coz my roaches are trained to teach their babies how to shoot.  Creating a cycle. For there’ll be gun carrying roaches in your home for good. So get Ned’s Roach Away assistant today. You don’t need pest control. You need pest solutions.

[a gun fires through Ned’s hat.]

Lady, your house is nasty!

Heidi: Sorry.

Presidential Address Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Anderson Cooper Mike Pence60 intro] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his set] [cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I am Anderson Cooper and this is CNN, your number one source for impeachment porn. This has been a week of shocking revelations out of the White House not least of which is the ongoing debate over gun control and the wake of the tragic school shooting in Florida. At times like this, we look to our leaders for guidance. But instead we’ll hear from Donald Trump, who has called the second bipartisan symposium where he will read a prepared statement.

[Cut to Donald Trump and his cabinet at bipartisan meeting] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Tonight, I am here to bring you a message of healing and a show of unity along with Mike Pence and senator Dianne Feinstein.

Dianne Feinstein: Yeah.

Donald Trump: Last week, I met with a group of teenage survivors of gun violence and I wanna reassure them once again that [Donald Trump pulls out a paper and reads it] I her you and I care. Rent “Lego Ninjago” movie– sorry. Eric scribbled some notes in there too. But it’s clear something has to change. We have to take a hard look at mental health which I have so much of. I have one of the healthiest mentals. My mentals is so high that we have to respect the law. Believe me, no one loves the second amendment and do a process more than me. But maybe, we just take everyone’s guns away. Okay? Nobody is allowed to have a gun. Not even whites.

Dianne Feinstein: [excited] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Donald Trump: Did we like that? Dianne loves that. She hasn’t been this excited since women were allowed to get jobs. But, oh! Look at Mike. He hates it. Don’t worry, Mike. I met with the NRA. They gave me $30 million good reasons not to change a thing. So, it’s all good. [coughs] [to Mike Pence] We still friends, right? We still friends, Mike? [Mike Pence is feeling uncomfortable. Donald Trump puts his hand on Mike Pence’s.] Look at him. He’s so uncomfortable. He hates this.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Donald Trump: He’s worried this is a gateway touch. But the youth of America deserve to feel safe and secure in their schools because folks, I can only run into so many schools and save everybody. If I could, I’d run into all of them. Even without a weapon, I burst through the doors and I’d be running so fast. I’m actually a fast runner. People don’t know that about me. I’d be running so fast, the guy with the gun wouldn’t even know what hit him. Bing, bing, ding, dong, dang. He’s finished. Okay? So, the schools are safe now. But I wouldn’t stop there coz I’m on a role. I just keep running and running. I’d run to North Korea, again, competing unarmed. I’d fight their rocket man. Ping, pong, pang, ping, ping, poom. I’d pick him up and throw him right over the Great Wall of Korea.

If I have to make America’s school safe all by myself, I will. Just like how I’m running the White House all by myself. Because these people who work for me keep resigning. Hope Hicks, she’s like a daughter to me. So smart, so hot. She resigned. You know, I hate seeing her go but I love watching her walk away. Boom, boom, boom, boom. I mean Jared Kushner is basically the hottest chick left in the place. And he’s probably going to jail soon, so he’s out. But that should be it, okay? I mean, everyone else is staying, right? Big Master, you’re staying, am I right? [the chair is empty already] He’ll always stand by my side. Great guy. Anyway, if we’re going to stop this gun violence, we need to work together. Whites, blacks, even some of the good immigrants. Do we call them grants. I’m gonna call them grants. Okay. Because we need to heal this great country of ours and it really is one of the best, top five. We could do better. I mean, they’re all beating us. Gina (China), Japan, Wakanda. Okay? Wakanda is laughing at us. Right? They’ve got flying cars, people in Wkanda. That’s why I announced the steel and aluminum tariff this week. People are going nuts about it. I brought back the steel industry by destroying the auto industry and tanking the stock market. Impressive.

[Mike Pence and Dianne Feinstein are annoyed]

Look at them. Both sides hated it. I don’t care. I said I was going to run this country like a business. That business is a Waffle house at 2 AM. [cheers and applause] Crazies everywhere. Staff walking out in the middle of their shift. Managers taking money out of the cash register to pay off the Russian mob. But maybe we o just take all the guns away.

Dianne Feinstein: [excited] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Donald Trump: She loves it. She’s looking at me like a cartoon pork chop. Okay. She’s great. All the people here are great except Jeff Sessions. He needs to go. I call him Mr. Magoo. Everyone loves it. People around here in the White House say, “Stop! I’m laughing so hard. I can’t take it anymore. I resign.”

[Jeff Sessions stands from Donald Trump’s behind]

Jeff Sessions: That’s very funny, Mr. President. But, I’m not going anywhere. [laughing] I’m like skunk stink on a bird dog, sir. I linger. And I just had dinner with all your friends at the Department of Justice and wow! Your name popped up more than a weasel in a pumpkin patch. That’s right, Mr. President. You can’t bully me anymore. For the first time, I’m standing up on my own high legs. [holding Donald Trump on his shoulders] Okay, how about we say it together for old time’s sake? Huh?

Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!