Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson
Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon
Guillermo del Toro… Beck Bennett
Allison Janney… Heidi Gardner
Jordan Peele… Chris Redd
Common… Sterling K. Brown
Sally Hawkins… Melissa Villaseñor
Willem Dafoe… Alex Moffat
Timothee Chalamet… Pete Davidson
[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro]
Male voice: Celebrity Family Feud, Oscars edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.
[Steve Harvey walks in to the set] [cheers and applause]
Steve Harvey: Okay. Alright. Okay, now. Welcome to the Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar edition. Now, you might not believe this but I have never went to Oscar. My live show won a Black Tony award which in the industry is called Tony Braxton. Alright, today we got Oscars winners versus Oscar losers. [cheers and applause] On the winner side, she just got Best Actress for three billboards, Frances McDormand.
Frances McDormand: Thank you. Thank you. And for all you ladies out there, I have two words that are going to change our industry. Burlap dress. Thank you.
Steve Harvey: Oh, you the kind of lady who goes to a dog park and appoints herself sheriff. Alright, next up, he won best director for the “Shape of Water,” and let me see if I’m pronouncing it correctly. Gucci Del Taco.
Guillermo del Toro: Hello, Steve. It’s Guillermo del Toro.
Steve Harvey: Now, your movie is about a lady who gets busy with a fish.
Guillermo del Toro: Ah! Fish monster. Yes. I love my monsters.
Steve Harvey: And it won Best Picture? Man, that sounds like Wayne’s Brothers movie. Ha-ha-ha. Alright, next. She just on an Oscar for “I, Tonya,” and Im’ sorry but I din’t see it, this is Allison Janney.
Allison Janney: Well, if you wanna know Oscar, I have one piece of advice. Act with the bird. [giggling] Oh! Thank you, pumpkin. If anything you gave me wings.
Steve Harvey: Oh, man I wish they made tiny little Oscars for birds. Oh! Alright, next. He just won best screenplay for “Get Out.” This is Jordan Peele. Congratulations, bro.
Jordan Peele: Thank you very much, Steve.
Steve Harvey: Oh, man. You are so funny too. I loved you on Key and Peele.
Jordan Peele: Well, sketch comedy is great but at some point, you have to move on. You know?
[Steve Harvey looks disappointed.]
Steve Harvey: [clears his throat] Um, you do?
Jordan Peele: Yeah. After a few years, you just gotta do something more artistic. You know?
Steve Harvey: How many years?
Jordan Peele: Are you okay, Steve?
Steve Harvey: Oh, who? Who? Me? Yeah. No, Im’ fine, player. Yeah. I’m real good. I’m real good. Let’s go over to the Oscars losers side. Alright, first up, he’s a rapper who won last year for best song but he lost this year. Common.
Common: Yo! Yo! Blessings, yo! It’s an honor to be a part of this family. Like, despite our feud, we still put food on the table. Provide for the children, make sure their future’s stable.
Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Yeah. Okay, okay. Let’s just slow it down there, Dr. Martin Luther sues. Alright, next, she was nominated for the “Shape of Water,” it’s the lady that got busy with the fish-man, Sally Hawkins.
Sally Hawkins: Hello, Steve. [does the sign language]
Steve Harvey: Now, tell me. Was that fish-man actually sexy?
[Sally Hawkins does the sign language again. She looks like she’s blushing.]
Oh! Whoo! Swampy! Alright, next, he’s a best supporting actor nominee and he kind of looks like the Joker without the make up. It’s Willem Dafoe. How are you feeling Willem?
Willem Dafoe: Totally relaxed.
Steve Harvey: You sure?
Willem Dafoe: Yep. Just cooling out, Steve. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Steve Harvey: Ooh, you spooky little goblin. Alright, finally, he was nominated for “Call Me By Your Name.” This is Timothee Chalamet.
Timothee Chalamet: Stop! Come on! You’re embarrassing me. I’m so cute.
Steve Harvey: Man! I saw you in that movie getting busy with a peach. I guess a fish wasn’t available. Alright, give me two players up here. Let’s play the Feud.
[Steve Harvey and Common walk to Steve Harvey.]
Common: Yo, yo, Frances, this is a privilege.
Frances McDormand: Yeah. Yeah. I might be smiling but I’m not friendly.
Steve Harvey: Feel that chemistry cracker! Alright, 100 people surveyed. Name something that you do when you get up in the morning. [buzzer sound] Common.
Common: Oh, the first thing I do? Well, [background music playing] inspire, illuminate and multiply, teach our children the ways in which one amplifies our voices and out choices will glorify.
Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Alright. Alright. Let’s just buzz that. Let’s buzz them. [wrong answer buzzer] Man! You ain’t no rapper. You more like a Ted talk set to music. Frances, first thing you do in the morning.
Frances McDormand: Well, hmm. You know, as a woman in the industry, I got to doll myself up. So, I do my skincare regimen which is just straight up vaseline. And then I curl my hair using my own anger coz I’ve, you know, had it!
Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me, “Some lady yelling.”
[right answer bell] [The answer board has ‘Fix hair’ in the answers]
Oh, man! Number three answer. Alright, y’all got the board. [cheers and applause] Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Steve Harvey walks to Guillermo del Toro] Jasape De Tona, something that you do when you get up in the morning.
Guillermo del Toro: Our mornings are mysterious. When dawn breaks, I check my nightmare traps for monsters. [Guillermo del Toro drops his glasses] Excuse me, I dropped my glasses. [Guillermo del Toro leans down. Then he scares Steve Harvey making the monster face putting his both palms on his face. His palms have eyes on them.]
Steve Harvey: Ah! No! No! No! [wrong answer buzzer] Man, you are crazy, Del Taco! Alright, let’s go with Allison Janney. What do you do in the morning?
Allison Janney: Gosh. I don’t do much. I mean, I shoot an episode of “Mom”, then two Windy’s, then a commercial. That’s where there are no older women. Jobs for them in Hollywood, I took em’ all. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me loading up your IMDB page. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! Not there. I’m sorry. Jordan Peele, something that you do in the morning.
Jordan Peele: Well, right now, I’m working on a movie about Ben Carson.
Steve Harvey: Oh, really? What’s that called?
Jordan Peele: “Get Out 2: Wake Up Brother.”
Steve Harvey: Oh. Yeah. That would explain it. Show me, making a movie about the walking dead. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! It’s not up there. Alright, Oscar losers, you got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to Oscar losers] Give me some answers.
Timothee Chalamet: Oh, I can’t say, man.
Willem Dafoe: Frolic.
[Sally Hawkins just does the sign language]
Steve Harvey: Um-hmm. Yeah. Alright. Common, you’re the team leader. Do you got an answer?
Common: Oh. Answers. They not up in some board, they’re inside us.
Steve Harvey: Oh, lord. Here we go. Here we go.
[music playing in the background. Common walks to the center.]
Common: Ay. From Martin to Malcolm to Barack and Michelle
we can make light out of dark and find heaven in hell
Steve Harvey: There’s like, church too.
Common: You’re your own future, just come out of your shell
raise fists, take risks, and believe in yourself
Steve Harvey: Just go to commercial!
Common: No, you have the power and you have the ability
everything can change in an instant