Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph
Doug Emhoff… Martin Short
Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant
Ella Emhoff… Chloe Fineman
Raphael Warnock… Kenan Thompson
Joe Biden… Alex Moffat
Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong
[Starts with an announcement]
Male voice: And now a message from the vice-president of the United States.
[Cut to Kamala Harris]
Kamala Harris: Good evening, America. I’m vice-president Kamala Harris. This has been a difficult year for all of us but I really do feel that we are about to see some light. And what better night to celebrate a new beginning than Passover? Or as my adopted people call it – Pesach. That’s why it’s time for … [music playing] A Kamala Harris Unity Seder. Tonight, we’ll be asking four questions. How’s school? Did you eat? When are you giving me grandchildren? And what’s with that haircut? And I cannot have all by my lonesome. So help me host this, I’d like to introduce my rock, my everything, my Semitic smokes show, my step baby daddy, Doug Emhoff. Get on out here, sexy.
[Doug Emhoff walks in]
[cheers and applause]
Doug Emhoff: No, I can’t do this. I’m too shy. I’m just a shy entertainment lawyer.
Kamala Harris: Oh, come on. No, Doug. All you have to do is pretend it’s just us, baby.
Doug Emhoff: Oh. [romantic music playing. Doug Emhoff holds Kamala Harris from behind.] Well, I just want you to know– Listen to me, girl. I support you. Every time you look around, it’s so good to be there for you, honey.
Kamala Harris: Oh, you better be.
Doug Emhoff: But time to time, you’re gonna look around and I’m not going to be there.
Kamala Harris: Oh no.
Doug Emhoff: But that’s just me telling you – “You got this, baby!”
Kamala Harris: Oh, the support. You’re my load-bearing wall. You hold up my roof. And you’re always on top of my basement.
Doug Emhoff: Strangers? I don’t like strangers. They frighten me.
Kamala Harris: It’s alright, babe. Our first guest is here. In the spirit of Pesach, I reached across the aisle. Joe Biden gave me a list of republicans to reach out to and I’m starting at the bottom.
[opens the door. Ted Cruz walks in with a tray of cookies.]
Ted Cruz: You started at the bottom and now I’m here.
Kamala Harris: Welcome to my home, Ted Cruz.
Ted Cruz: Well, hey. I’ve never been to a Jewish dinner. So, I brought some Israeli flag cupcakes. I’ve got a ton of these left over from C-PAC. And I got some pinks in the blanket.
Kamala Harris: Well, we can’t have pork or bread. So, thank you.
Ted Cruz: Ay, by the way, somebody scraped the crap out of Prius in your driveway. No idea who did it. Probably my daughters. Definitely wasn’t me. My only crime is loving too much and sedition.
Doug Emhoff: That’s my Prius, but it’s all good.
Kamala Harris: Ted, may I ask what’s going on with your hair, hun? I see serial killer on the side and bait and tackle stop owner in the front.
Ted Cruz: Well, in the honor of Passover, I had my haircut done by a moyle.
[music playing. Ella Emhoff suddenly walks in like walking on fashion show ramp.]
Ella Emhoff: Shalom to the children.
Kamala Harris: America, Ted, meet my beautiful and supremely talented step-daughter, Ella Emhoff.
Ted Cruz: Boy, boy. So, what am I looking at here?
Ella Emhoff: Am I breaking your eyes? Good. You may think I look insane but I assure you I’m the most normal looking girl in Bushwick. Mama list every month so I while I’m serving lukes.
Kamala Harris: Aw, thank you, Ella. You’re really elevating this seder.
Doug Emhoff: So put out the gefilte fish.
Ella Emhoff: Okay, dad. All this is going on my mood board because Issa-bibe.
[music playing. Ella Emhoff walks out like on the fashion show ramp.]
Kamala Harris: Oh, let’s see who’s at the door. [Kamala Harris opens the door. Raphael Warnock walks in with a bottle of wine] Well, it’s reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.
Raphael Warnock: Alright. Shalom, y’all. Jon Osoff told me to bring some man-a-shevitz.
Kamala Harris: So, how are things going in Georgia?
Raphael Warnock: Oh, you saw “Roots”, right? That’s how it’s going in Georgia.
Kamala Harris: Well, we need to make sure we keep Georgia blue for the next presidential election. And the one after that.
Raphael Warnock: Well, that won’t be easy. They’ll do everything they can to keep black people from voting. We wouldn’t vote on anything if they had their way. Not even American Idol. Jennifer Hudson would have been knocked down in the first round. Jennifer damn Hudson, y’all!
Kamala Harris: No! Not J-Hud!
Raphael Warnock: Right? Oh! Raphael spies a boiled egg. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna have a nosh.
Kamala Harris: You get that egg, senator! Alright, go for it, reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.
Doug Emhoff: Who could that be? Elijah?
Kamala Harris: Good one, sweetie.
[Joe Biden lets himself in]
Joe Biden: Hey.
Kamala Harris: Hey, it’s Joe Biden. How are you, Joe Biden?
Joe Biden: Hey, folks. Did y’all catch my press conference? So easy. A lot of critics thought I wan’t mentally prepared enough but [reading his cheat sheet] I think I proved them all wrong. Oh, Kamala. I’m not sure if you heard but I’m putting you in charge of solving the immigration problem down at the Mexican border.
Kamala Harris: Yes. I did hear that. Wow. Thank you for the opportunity. Such a fun solve a problem. And what are you in charge of?
Joe Biden: Moi? Giving out checks. Who wants steemies? Whoo! Ha-ha. Make it rain.
Kamala Harris: Oh, Joe Biden. Oh, and guess what? I got a little Passover surprise for y’all. [Kamala Harris walks out and brings in a German Shepard] Here he is. Come on here. That’s right. That’s my dog, Major. He’s back from being retrained. It’s all better now, aren’t you, Major? Sweet pooch.
Kamala Harris: Thank god we can all hangout and that we’re all vaccinated. Isn’t it great?
[Major jumps on Doug Emhoff. Doug Emhoff is trying to get rid of him.]
Ted Cruz: Thanks to president Trump, operation [Doug Emhoff grunting].
Kamala Harris: I don’t know about that. Did you catch my press conference, Ted?
Ted Cruz: Yeah, I did. Boring. I switched over to ice road and trucker’s marathon.
[the dog runs out and Doug Emhoff escapes]
Doug Emhoff: Thank god, something spooked that hell hound.
Kamala Harris: Well, it’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.
[Marjorie Taylor Greene getting in through the window]
Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s looks pretty swanky for ANTIFA headquarters.
Kamala Harris: Marjorie, why didn’t you just knock on the door?
Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, no. Ever since January 6, I’ve only been entering dwelling insurrection style. I don’t trust doors. Door’s what’s destroying this country. I’ll only enter rooms through HVAC ducts, windows and SURR systems.
Kamala Harris: Doug? Honey, a word?
[everyone leaves and it’s only Kamala Harris and Doug Emhoff]
Doug Emhoff: What baby? What?
Kamala Harris: Baby I’m worried this unity thing is splitting everybody apart.
Doug Emhoff: Shh, come on. There’s a Passover seder song called Deyenu, and the refrain is it would have been enough. And if you’re just vice president–
Kamala Harris: On no, that won’t be enough.
Doug Emhoff: Okay. I want you. I want you. I want your lips.