Weekend Update- Joe Biden Becomes Front-Runner

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Demoratic Debate at left side.]

Well, last week we had six democratic candidates and this week, it’s become like my dad’s favorite radio station, [picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden] just the oldies. Joe Biden is now the front runner and just picked up an endorsement from Michigan’s governor only days before the state’s primary. And it makes sense that Michigan would love Biden because it kind of looks like a hand trying to touch a lady’s hair. [Picture changes to map of Michigan]

I gotta say, honestly, [picture changes to Donald Trump and Joe Biden] I could not be more excited for Biden-Trump debates. They’re gonna be the first debates that have to be moderated by a Jamaican nurse. As well as the only debates that air on the Turner Classic Movies channel. And I don’t want the moderator to ask about anything political. I want all the questions to be like, “Who was the greatest slugger of the 50s? Who’s your favorite white boxer?” At this point between Bernie, Biden and Trump, I think the next debate should just be on that cruise ship and whichever one of them can beat Coronavirus becomes our next president.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of democratic and republican logos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah. I don’t know who’s gonna win the nomination but watching white people fight over these old dues is hilarious. I don’t even care who wins just as long as they beat Trump. I’m not even really a democrat. I just vote ‘not republican.’ Democrats are like condoms to me. I mean, I’ll use them cos it’s safer I guess, but it doesn’t feel good.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Both Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders are actively cording Elizabeth Warren’s endorsement but I gotta say the pants suits are little much. [picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden wearing outfit like Elizabeth Warren] [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

President Trump attacked Biden over his recent gaffe saying there’s something going on there. And Trump should know coz there is definitely something going on there too. I mean, a few days ago, he did this.

[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump holing American flag tightly and kissing it.] [Cut back to Colin Jost]

What are you doing, man? You can’t say someone else is losing it and then whisper ‘I love you’ to a flag. That’s like saying, “Oh, man, this guy’s lost his marbles,” but you’re saying it to a mannequin.

Then Trump visited the Centers for Disease Control and bragged about his knowledge of the Coronavirus saying this.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking to the CDC.]

Donald Trump: Every one of these doctors said, “How do you know so much about this?” Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president.

[Cut back to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Oh, we’re all gonna die. What does that mean? He has a natural ability for Coronavirus? I don’t know, guys. I mean, maybe Trump’s born with it or…

[Cut to picture of Donald Trump.]

Female voice: [singing] Maybe it’s brain disease

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t know. You know, I found out that the odds of us catching Coronavirus is about as high as us ending up on Saturday Night Live. And here we are, Colin. So, we both gonna catch it. Yeah, we had a good run. I mean, we accomplished a lot, you know. [Michael Che pulls out his glass of whiskey] Hey, could you believe we both almost got to marry Scarlett Johansson? It was crazy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Texas at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced Friday that South by South West has been cancelled because of the Coronavirus. Meanwhile, Coronavirus is set to headline Coachella.

[Picture changes to a news article that says, ‘CPAC attendee tested positive for coronavirus.”]

And in breaking news today, it turns out that a guest at the conservative CPAC conference which was attended by Trump and Pence has tested positive for coronavirus. Worse, it was the guy in charge of handling Trump’s flag. [Picture changes to Trump kissing the flag.]

Weekend Update- Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with on the Coronavirus

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with The girl in his set]

The girl: Well, there is a lot going on right now and here with her thoughts on all of it is the girl you wish you hadn’t start a conversation with at a party.

[Michael Che slides in. She is wearing a party dress and has a glass of wine in her hand.]

Michael Che: It is very good to be back.

The girl: Hello, it’s nice to see you.

Michael Che: Yeah.

The girl: So, what do you think of the government’s response to this outbreak?

Michael Che: Honestly, this whole pidova-virus (coronavirus) is inexcusimal (inexcusable), okay? It’s miss-respectful. And it’s been blowing so out of abortion (out of proportion). Like, Michael, I’m sorry. You don’t think there’s any misatomy (misogyny) in calling it the woman virus and not the man virus?

The girl: I think it’s the ‘Wuhan.’

Michael Che: Wow! And you’re just gonna do the voice.

The girl: No. Wuhan is the name of the province.

Michael Che: Okay. Let’s do a quick science experience (experiment). Open your mouth really wide.

The girl: What? No.

Michael Che: I’m gonna put my whole hand in.

[Michael Che just puts her hand in The girl’s mouth]

The girl: Whoa! Whoa! Hey! No, you’re not. Keep your hands to yourself.

Michael Che: Wow. I’m sorry. Suddenly I’m Harvey Einstein (Harvey Weinstein)? Michael, you need to wake up, open your eyes and years and your mouth and let me put my hand.

The girl: No!

Michael Che: Colin would let me.

[Colin is looking at them wearing sunglasses]

Colin Jost: Yeah, but it’s coz I’m a freak.

The girl: Alright, let’s change the subject. What do you think about the democratic candidates?

Michael Che: This whole thing is ribbed (rigged) for no one’s pleasure. And I’m sorry I’m not just following all the leopards and jumping off the cliff, okay? It’s like, everyone wants socialism now but how did that work out for vuvuzela? Loud! I mean like, there are new born babies who can’t even read or write Michael. Meanwhile, the Brazilian rainforest is burning. It’s like, yeah, you keep waxing, it’s gonna burn.

The girl: Okay, so what do you think the solution is?

Michael Che: It’s a bubble standard, Michael. Like, why would you even have a two party system? Like, why can’t we just have one party and not have to miss the other one and give like, everyone major FOMO?

The girl: You mean FOMO?

Michael Che: [mocking voice] You mean FOMO? [looking away] Cinda! Cinda! Cinda! That’s my friend Cinda. We’re supposed to like, charge the stage of the Biden rally there [starts texting] tonight to tackle his wife for Dary. [phone notification sound]

The girl: What?

Michael Che: Oh, I just matched with Julian Assange on Raya. Anyway, the point is people are sick of the hip-hopracy (hypocrisy), Michael. Maybe, stop watching cable news twentyeight/7 and actually do something.

The girl: Like what?

Michael Che: Look. I have been spending a lot of time with Joaquin Phoenix recently, okay? I wrote his speeches for the Oscars, Golden Globes and the Nambla’s. So maybe, stop letting cows fly private planes to Palm Springs. I’m sorry. Don Jr. can like, run the Trump company but Hunter Biden can’t even work as a Barista? That’s necrophilism, Michael.

The girl: Alright, just tell us one practical thing you want people to do.

Michael Che: I am trying, but you have to let me put my hand in your mouth.

The girl: Stop touching me.

Michael Che: Wow! Everyone’s like, so sensitive. It’s like, what? Just coz I have a high fever and I’m coughing all the time and I have dia-rica (diarrhea), like, that means I shouldn’t go to parties?

The girl: [loudly] Yes! You should not even be here.

Michael Che: Fine! What if I wear a mask?

The girl: Well, okay. That would be a start.

[Michael Che puts on a ghost face mask.]

Michael Che: Okay.

The girl: Oh my god! Girl at a party, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Diverse Astronauts & Taco Bell Vigil

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There are pictures of NASA logo and planet Mars at right top corner.]

Michael Che: NASA announced that it is looking for people from diverse backgrounds to become astronauts for future missions to Mars. Good luck getting black people on a ship to a new world.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a poster of the movie “No Time To Die: 007” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The producers of the up-coming James Bond movie “No Time To Die” announced that because of the coronavirus outbreak, they’re pushing the movie’s release back from April to November. Though, I think they should have still released in April but taken out the “No.” [The picture in the poster becomes “Time To Die.”] [Picture changes to PennState campus]

Students at PennState held a candle light vigil for a campus TacoBell that is closing, because after you eat TacoBell, it never hurts to light a candle.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says, “100 year old woman asks to be arrested,” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A North Carolina woman celebrated her 100th birthday by asking their sheriff’s deputy to arrest her for the first time ever and take her to jail. And no need to look it up, she’s white.

[Picture changes to a Dunkin’ donut.]

Dunkin’ donuts announced that every Friday in March, it will give away a free donut with a drink purchase. It’s part of a promotion to launch their new slogan, “Dunkin’ donuts, you can’t dia-beat us!”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: And now once again Weekend Update presents…

Michael Che: The Weeknd Update.

[Cut to The Weeknd Update intro] [Cut to The Weeknd in his dressing room]

The Weeknd: Feels good. [coughing] [Cut to The Weeknd Update outro]

Male voice: This is then The Weeknd Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says, “Man arrested smuggling whale vomit,” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Two men were arrested in India trying to smuggle in whale vomit ,or as it’s known commercially ‘a shamrock shake.’

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of William Shatner at right top corner.]

It was reported that as part of William Shatner’s divorce settlement from his ex-wife, he will gain custody of the couple’s supply of horse semen. Now, I don’t want to speculate on what he’s doing with all that horse semen but the dude’s almost 90 and his skin looks amazing.

[Picture changes to a young boy reading a book.]

A new study claims that negative gender stereotypes keeps boys from reading. And I was gonna read more on this study, but what am I? Gay?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says, “11-year-old allowed to drive car” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Relatives of an 11-year-old in England were fined after they got fed up with a boy playing grand theft auto too much and let him drive a real car. Also fed up, the prostitutes he tried to run over.

Weekend Update- Bottle Boi

Colin Jost

Bottle Boi… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, New York’s ban on plastic bags went into effect. Here to comment on it’s impact is my friend and plastic’s expert, Bottle Boi.

[Bottle Boi slides in. He’s carrying a bag of bottles and cans. He is untidily dressed with bottle caps and plastic.]

Bottle Boi: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, hello there. Ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Hello there, Bottle Boi. So, you’re a plastic’s expert, right?

Bottle Boi: In-du-bi-debly I am, Colin. Plastics is my job, my passion and my fashion.

Colin Jost: That’s right. And you’ve collected plastic bottles in my neighborhood.

Bottle Boi: Hey, don’t sell me shorts, Colin. Last year, Bottle Boi me 60,000… pennies but it’s tax-free.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And is the plastic bag ban like, hurting your income now?

Bottle Boi: Oh, confirmative it is. But this ban doesn’t just affect me. All New Yorkers need their plastics. Let’s say you’re walking down to the 33rd street with your little chihuahua mix and it take a big log on a sidewalk. What will you pick up that doo-doo with, huh? An NPR canvas tote?

Colin Jost: I mean, yeah. I guess that’s a good point.

Bottle Boi: Thank you. Thank you. And what does everybody line their bathroom trash with? A plastic grocery bag. Now you gonna throw your wet q-tips into a what? A back-pack? Fling your little toenail boomerangs into a JanSport? Never!

Colin Jost: Now, have you brought this issue up to anyone who can help?

Bottle Boi: Oh, yes. I called Governor Cuomo himself. I said, “Cuomo, everyday I go to the key food and buy one big pickle from the tub. What should I carry that pickle in now? A mitten?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I guess I really consider how these policies impact the homeless people.

Bottle Boi: Oh, Colin, I’m not homeless. I live right around the corner from you. In a beautiful antebellum house in the French quarter of Time Square. Also known as ‘the Bubba Gump Shrimp company.’

Colin Jost: Yeah. But you have to understand that this isn’t only about you.

Bottle Boi: Oh, don’t I know? But we get rid of plastics. Then what? We’re not giving the fish in the sea their necklaces anymore. Mr. Turtle ain’t gonna get no nose ring? Oh! Look, I ain’t no Greta Toon-town (Greta Thunberg) and I ain’t no Leonardo Di-Capinick. No, I am Bottle Boi.

Colin Jost: Right. And if your name is Bottle Boi, then why are you so hung up on plastic bags?

Bottle Boi: Well, first they come for the bags and then they come for the bottles. What’s next? No more toilets on the subway?

Colin Jost: You know, there are no toilets on the subway.

Bottle Boi: There are if you have a plastic bag.

Colin Jost: Bottle Boi, everyone.

Bottle Boi: I voted for you, Mr. Cuomo. I voted for you.

The Sands of Modesto

Debranike… Kate McKinnon

Tyrell… Kenan Thompson

Stacia… Chloe Fineman

Blaise… Daniel Craig

Victania… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “The Sands of Modesto” intro.]

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

Male voice:  With the outbreak of COVID-Debranike9, otherwise known as Coronavirus, the producers of today’s of episode of “The Sands of Modesto” would like to remind viewers that the staging of certain scenes has been altered for the actor’s safety.

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

[Cut to

Debranike: Thank you, Tyrell. My face looks amazing. I think I’m ready for the benefit.

Tyrell: Well, I am the best makeup artist in Modesto. Now, let me just put on some lip gloss. [Tyrell pulls out a two meter long lip-gloss brush and put it on Debranike from far away.] Alright. There you are. You are ready now, Debranike. I’m sorry to be personal, but may I ask you a question? [pulls out a feather] Does a cuckatoo live here?

[Debranike gets emotional]

Debranike: Not anymore. Cuckatoo flew far, far away.

Tyrell: Good. That explains it. Then I’ll take my leave. Thank you very much.

[They pretend they’re shaking hands from two meters far.]

Debranike: Thank you Tyrell. [phone ringing] Oh, excuse me. It seems like I have a phone call. [Debranike sprays disinfectant on the phone and herself before answering.] Hello? My god! Really? Well, where is she now? Here? Well, it can’t be.

[doorbell ringing]

Coming. On my way.

[Debranike uses tissues to open the door.] [Stacia walks in]

Stacia?

Stacia: Hello, mother.

Debranike: But, you were killed in that plane crash.

Stacia: That’s what I was told. But I’m alive.

Debranike: Oh! Come, let me hold your face, my darling. [Debranike holds Stacia’s face with her elbows] Look at you. Aw, I never wanna let you go.

Stacia: Don’t, mother. Don’t ever.

Debranike: How in the world did you get back?

Stacia: Well, I had the help of a friend.

[Blaise walks in. He has a white parrot on his one hand.]

Blaise: Debranike, hello.

Debranike: Blaise? Blaise Childes.

Blaise: It’s been quite a long time. You remember Charles. [showing his parrot]

Debranike: Of course. Hello, Charles. Blaise, I thought you left to become a priest.

Blaise: Yes. But I couldn’t do it. The ‘no sex’ part. Also, have you read the bible? It’s weird. The truth is, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

Stacia: I’ll give you two a moment. Mother, one more embrace?

Debranike: Of course.

[They act like they’re hugging from two meters far.] [Stacia walks out]

I’ll admit this is quite a surprise. How did sands of Modesto shift in such unpredictable way?

Blaise: Indeed they do. Please join me on the couch. Let’s get reacquainted. Excuse us, Charles. [Blaise puts his parrot on a table] [Debranike and Blaise sit on a couch keeping distance] See, isn’t that better?

Debranike: Oh, please. Being this close to you, it brings back so many feelings.

Blaise: Well, fight them. Remember how I used to stroke your hair?

Debranike: Well, I’ll never forget that for a second. [Blaise uses a long fake arms to stroke Debranike’s hair.] The gorgeous man’s hand. And this touch. Oh, Blaise, I can’t help it. I wanna kiss you.

[Debranike and Blaise stand]

Blaise: Well, why don’t you? Come darling. We can’t deny this any longer.

Debranike: Then kiss me. Kiss me now.

Blaise: It’s all I ever wanted to do.

[Blaise pulls out a glass slab. Debranike and Blaise kiss with the glass slab in between.]

Oh, your kisses. They taste just like I remember.

Debranike: Oh, take me. Take me, Blaise. Please. [Debranike lies down. Blaise puts a plastic on her.] Yes. Yes. Blaise. Blaise.

[Blaise gets on Debranike]

Blaise: I feel like we will melt into one.

[Victania walks in]

Victania: Debranike! What the hell are you doing?

Blaise: Victania? How did you find us?

Victania: You think if my ex husband came back into town, I wouldn’t know about it? Bitch, this is Modesto! [Victania puts sanitizer on her hands]

Debranike: So, it is. And perhaps it’s not big enough for the both of us.

Victania: You’re damn right.

[Victania acts like she slapped Debranike from far away. Debranike acts like it hit her and falls down.]

Debranike: Ah! You crazy slut.

[They wear gloves and pull barbies. Then they start hitting each other’s barbies with their owns.]

Victania: God! I’m sorry. I over reacted. I never had thought– [sneezes]

Debranike and Blaise: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[Debranike and Blaise walk out of the house.] [Starts with “The Sands of Modesto” outro.]

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

The Ingraham Angle Coronavirus Cold Open

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Chris Matthews… Darrell Hammond

Elizabeth Warren

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “The Ingraham Angle” intro] [Cut to Laura Ingraham in her set]

Laura Ingraham: Good evening and welcome to the Ingraham angle. [cheers and applause] I am Laura Ingraham, the Joey Fatone of FOX News. Later in the program, walking silver alert, Joe Biden takes the lead on Super Tuesday. Bernie Sanders announced his running mate, the ghost of Fidel Castro. Then former candidate Elizabeth Warren will be joining us live via satellite… I don’t know, scold us for owning cars. But first, tonight’s main story, I don’t know why Coronavirus, the left continues to wage its deceitful dishonest and frankly gay smear campaign against president Trump. Here’s a video of some loco libs driving to hold foods to buy the last bottle of organic Purell.

[Cut to a video clip of Vin Diesel flying a car from one building to another from the movie Fast and Furious Kate McKinnon.] [Cut back to Laura Ingraham]

It’s insane. The left is trying to whip people into a fear frenzy of lies which jus isn’t right. That’s our thing. Look, Coronavirus isn’t urban legend. And yes, I said urban as a dog whistle. The point is, you’ve got much bigger things to worry about. And to help you calm down, here’s a list of much bigger things to worry about. [a list appears on the screen]. You got women who keep their maiden names; Montessori schools; Mexican teenagers rehearsing dance for a quinceañera in public park; fat barbies; “What’s the maid saying?”; black marching bands, they’re too good; and Harry Styles??? What’s he doing? Who’s that for?

[The list goes off]

So, instead of wasting your money on $300 surgical masks, consider supporting my ever-thinning list of sponsors. Like, Deer Tanks. Let’s face it, shooting deer takes too long. Send Bamby to hell with Deer Tanks. And Indoor Horn. Not allowed to drive anymore? Now you can still honk and scream at people inside with Indoor Horn. And Word Searches with racial slurs in it. You didn’t say it. You just circled it.

For more on this liberal fan fiction that is the Coronavirus, we go to judge, Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Get rid of me’.

Laura Ingraham: Get rid of who?

Jeanine Pirro: Whoever.

Laura Ingraham: Okay. Thanks for joining us, Jeanine. Shouldn’t our viewers be doing anything to prepare for Coronavirus?

Jeanine Pirro: Hell, no. Americans are not at risk. Especially not our viewers who skew elderly are in bad health, live cloister together in homes specifically for sick people and have smoked their entire lives.

Laura Ingraham: Sounds like you’re not too worried.

Jeanine Pirro: Not one bit, Laura. So, don’t get it twisted. If you see me avoiding Chinese restaurants, it’s not coz I’m scared. It’s because I don’t trust the Chinese. A fortune cookie once told me to lower my voice and I’ve never looked back.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Well, stay safe out there, Jeanine.

Jeanine Pirro: No need. [Jeanine Pirro shows a glass of martini] Alcohol is a disinfectant, so mama’s gonna live for ever. [Jeanine Pirro drinks the martini]

Laura Ingraham: Well, thank you for that excellent report. [Cut to Laura Ingraham] We go now to the men in the inside, Don Jr. and Eric Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hi, Laura. Did you get my valentine?

Laura Ingraham: Pass. Now, what can you tell us about the president’s response to the virus?

Donald Trump Jr.: Laura, [Eric Trump is copying everything that Donald Trump Jr. is doing] our father has everything under control. You know, democrats would love for people to get sick so they can use it to their advantage. Like, how we give Eric raw chicken so he misses important meetings.

Eric Trump: Ha-ha. I love my pink nuggets.

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s great, buddy. Laura, the libs think they can spin this to hurt our father. But if there’s anything my dad’s on top of it’s–

Eric Trump: The toilet.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s this crisis. You don’t have to give answers, buddy. I got it. Look, the fact of matter is Americans are perfectly safe. It’s like our dad always says–

Eric Trump: The N word?

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No. Only during songs, buddy.

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t we bring you a toy or something you can play with?

Eric Trump: Ya-hah. My beepy toy.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. Eric, that’s a thermometer. It only beeps if you have fe–

[Eric Trump puts the thermometer in his mouth and it starts beeping. Donald Trump Jr. checks the thermometer.]

104?

Eric Trump: Yes!

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, where did you get this?

Eric Trump: The park.

Donald Trump Jr.: We gotta go, Laura.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Thanks for joining us.

Eric Trump: I’m a father.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham]

Laura Ingraham: Great. Now, first off, getting the vegan leather boot at MSNBC for the high crime of giving a girl a compliment, I’d like to welcome our newest FOX News anchor, Chris Matthews.

[Chris Matthews is sitting in the set with Laura Ingraham] [cheers and applause]

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball.” I’m Chris Matthews. Tonight, my guest is Laura, a spooky blonde lady who lies to the elderly. Hah!

Laura Ingraham: Chris, no, you’re on my show.

Chris Matthews: Oh, I forgot. Force of habit. Maybe I’ll get in trouble for saying this. You look great.

Laura Ingraham: Chris, you can say whatever you want. It’s FOX.

Chris Matthews: Oh, my god. This place is amazing. Everyone here is hot, crazy or both.

Laura Ingraham: Yeah. Now, you resigned after recent non-scandals. Like, comparing Bernie Sanders to Hitler. How do you respond? And remember, you can put it as crazy as you want to.

Chris Matthews: Alright. Here it goes. The race is down to Hitler and an ice-cream cone to see who can beat the Michelin man. Back to you, girl Hitler. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Laura Ingraham: Welcome home. Thank you for joining us, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Da-ba-da-ha-ba.

Laura Ingraham: And now, our celebrity interview brought to you by our amazing sponsors. Like, Mesh Pillow. Your greedy kids can’t smother you with Mesh Pillow. And for anyone looking to make some quick cash, Fake Purell. It’s lube in a Purell bottle. And as always, White Chocolate. All the calories and none of the taste.

And now, an interview with the latest democratic candidate to end a campaign, the woman who savagely murdered Michael Bloomberg on live television. Please welcome senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren] [cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: Hi, Laura. Thanks for having me.

Laura Ingraham: How have you been since dropping out of the race?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, I’m doing just fine. My friends and family have been so supportive. They’ve been calling non-stop asking, “Are you okay? What do you need? Were you electable?” That kind of thing.

Laura Ingraham: Oh. You certainly ran a memorable campaign. Here’s footage of you debating Mike Bloomberg.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog eating a burrito.] [Cut back to Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren]

And just to be clear, were you the dog or the burrito?

Elizabeth Warren: I was the dog.

Laura Ingraham: Got it. [cheers and applause] So, you’re not endorsing anyone yet?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, it is tough. Maybe I’ll just pull a New York Times and endorse them both.

Laura Ingraham: Well, now that you’re done campaigning, do you have any regrets?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, not at all. I am so proud of our campaign. We built a wide correlation of teachers, pre-school teachers, middle-school teachers and teachers’ pets. And, not only did I not accept money from billionaires, I got to give one a swirly on live TV. [cheers and applause] But now, I got time to do a little self care. Hanging out with my dog Bailey, prank calling big banks, drag racing Subarus, avoiding Twitter. And before I go, I wanna thank my supporters and say one last thing.

[Kate McKinnon runs in. She’s wearing exactly same outfit as Elizabeth Warren.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi there. How are you? [cheers and applause] Sorry. I just– I wanted to put on my favorite outfit to thank you for all that you’ve done in your life time.

Elizabeth Warren: Um, I’m not dead. I’m just in the senate.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Whoo! Okay. You’re right. Um, so let’s stay in the spot. And let’s do this.

Elizabeth Warren and Kate McKinnon: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Salad

Nadine… Aidy Bryant

Daniel Craig

[Starts with Nadine preparing her salad at night.]

Nadine: Shh, shh, shh.

[music playing] [singing] My family’s on the sleep
So I won’t make a peep
I’ll cook all night my most delicious recipe

I still have quite a surprise
In the morning when they rise
They’ll take a big bite
of my overnight salad

It’s not easy to make
Lots of ingredients it takes
But it’s worth it to serve
my overnight salad

Take a little bit o’ lettuce
Sprinkle in some cheese
A little scoche of lemon
And a gallon of mayo

So many raisins
An insane amount o’ pepper
Now you’re makin’ a salad

54 hot dogs
Look who’s back, it’s mayo
Don’t skimp on the Fritos
and root beer

The croutons are cookies
Add the pizza top, of course
Then I let it sit all night
on the radiator

In the morning when they rise
My daughters’ eyes fill with pride
When they take a big bite
of my overnight salad

The ultimate prize
My husband, king of the guys
When he chomps into a slice
of my overnight salad
It’s all over their face
My family loves the taste

[her family takes seat for breakfast. They all take a bite of her salad.] [music stops]

Daniel: Oh my God, Nadine, this tastes like [bleep]! [her daughter pukes] What the hell is wrong with you? I thought you were gonna make a salad!
Nadine: It’s my overnight salad.

Daniel: Mayonnaise and lettuce left out all night? [angrily standing] You need help, Nadine!

Daughter: Mommy, Baxter’s not moving.

[her dog is laying on the couch sick]

Nadine: I gave him a bite of my overnight salad.

Daniel: Are you happy, Nadine. You killed the f—– dog! Are you stupid? Your brain is sick!

Nadine: Maybe it just needs a big scoop of mayo.

[Daniel spits out a coin]

Daniel: There’s a quarter in my salad! Why?

[music playing]

Nadine: [singing] Well, the quarter is the thing…

[music stops]

Daniel: Nadine, Nadine, no, no, no. Just stop! Come on, girls. Let’s go. Come on.

Nadine: Well, I guess I’m gonna have to eat this whole thing myself. Doo dee doo dee doo overnight salad.

[Cut to Nadine’s tomb.] [The End]

On the Couch

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

The Weeknd

[Music video starts with three guys sitting on the couch] [music playing]

 Kenan: [singing] Out drinking with my boys late night
come home to my lady past midnight
she waiting up, she throwing me shade
we having words, this is what she said

She said I’m out too late, she pushed me away
well there ain’t nothing in this world that I can say

Chorus: So, I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
she got me on the couch tonight
I did wrong, but I meant to do right
Now I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
I’m sleepin’ on the couch

 Chris: Workin’ late, makin’ paper, hittin’ deadlines
Comin’ home, now it’s crawlin’ in to bed time
I pull the sheet, she tellin’ me no
I asked her why, but I already know
Chorus: So, I’m on the couch tonight
she got me on the couch tonight
She in bed all tucked in tight
But I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
I’m sleepin’ on the couch

The Weeknd: We make dinner like lovers do
I pour her wine and–
Chorus: I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch tonight
Don’t seem too fair this time
I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch
Kenan: I wake her up with roses on the bed
Tell her all the sweet thoughts in my head
She roll her eyes and–

Chorus: I’m sleepin on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch
Chris: I buy her Prada, Say I love her mama
She says I’m—
Chorus: Sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the couch
The Weeknd: I say hello, and—
Chorus: I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
I’m sleepin’ on the couch tonight
She got me on the—

The Weeknd: Girl, we all make mistakes, it’s true
Tell me what I gotta do
To get back into bed with you
What did I ever do to you?
Oh
Chris: What did I do, girl?
Ego: Cheated on me almost every day
Kenan:True
Ego: I caught you cheatin’ on me yesterday
Kenan: You did
Ego: You even cheated on me on my couch
Kenan: Yes
Ego: And that’s why your ass is in the doghouse
Kenan: Fair
Melissa: I ain’t mad about you workin’ late
Chris: Good
Melissa:But you got ten credit cards in my name
Chris: Word
Melissa: You maxed ’em out, now my credit’s bad
Chris: Right
Melissa: And why’d you take out life insurance on me?

Heidi: We broke up five years ago
The Weeknd: And?
Heidi: I got married to another guy
The Weeknd: And?
Heidi: He’s sick of you crashin’ here
The Weeknd: And?
Heidi: You really gotta stop comin’ over here
The Weeknd: What?
[music stops]
Daniel: You really can’t keep comin’ here, bud. I know you ain’t really got a place to stay, but we got kids.

The Weeknd: But…

Daniel: No, no buts. It’s gotta stop, okay?

The Weeknd:Yeah.

Daniel: All right, well, see you around.
The Weeknd: [in the car] Guess I’m sleepin’ in my car tonight
Sleepin’ in my car
[music stops.]

[Daniel knocks on The Weeknd’s car window.] Daniel: You can’t park in our driveway, bud. Come on, you gotta go. Let’s go.

The Weeknd: Alright. You don’t have to stand there and watch me leave. No, I don’t have to, but I’m gonna.

[The Weeknd drives away.] [The End]

Deep Quote Game

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Louis… Danel Craig

Lisa… Kate McKinnon

Duff… Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of colleagues playing board games in home.]

Chris: One more settlement and boom! That’s seven points victory. Marcus?

Kyle: Oh, man! Come on!

Louis: And here I am thinking we’re gonna have a nice pleasant game night with my wife’s work colleagues. And what? It’s a blood bath.

Lisa: Well, I hate to break it to you guys but I think we’re out of game.

Meli: It’s late. We should probably get going anyway.

Duff: Or we could quote?

Lisa: What’s that?

Duff: Um, we could quote? Like, say lines from movies and guess them?

Lisa: Oh. Oh. Okay. Is that a game that you like, Duff?

Duff: Yeah. Yeah. It really is.

Kyle: Actually, I just called a Lyft home. So…

Duff: Oh, then um… cancel it coz looks like we’re gonna quote.

Ego: Um, okay. Umm… I can start. “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

All: Harry Potter.

Duff: —and the sorcerer’s stone.

Louis: Oh. She’s right. Duff gets the point.

Duff: Yeah, cool. And now, I get to go coz I got that one. Okay. “I need two new suits off the rack. One light and one dark.”

Ego: No clue.

Louis: On, no, no, no. I know this one. This is… Aviator.

Duff: Oh, dammit! That was too easy.

Chris: Easy? That sounded vague as hell.

Duff: [looking at Louis deeply] Wow. You know your quote.

Louis: Yeah, I actually do.

Duff: Hah! Big D energy over there.

Louis: Yeah, that too.

Lisa: Louis, what was that?

Louis: It’s my turn. Here we go. “Thanks for walking in and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m not feeling so well.”

Duff: As good as it gets.

Louis: Oh!

Ego: What?

Kyle: You’re killing me.

Louis: How were you able to do that?

Duff: What? Do you quote?

Louis: Yeah.

Duff: Um, I don’t know. Probably coz I spend a lot of time watching movies all the time.

Louis: Hah. So, you’re a little quote queen?

Duff: I mean, if you’d say that. What– What are you? A flick daddy?

Louis: Only the biggest flick daddy you’ll ever meet in your whole life.

Lisa: Louise? Pal, you have a job.

Louis: No, I don’t. I’ve got fired six months ago.

[Louis turns towards Duff]

Lisa: Excuse me?

Louis: You’re very serious. [looks away] Who’s up?

Chris: Yeah. Maybe let’s stick to like, more well known quotes.

Duff: Sorry, but there’s no rule against deep movie.

Louis: No, she’s right. You know, it’s not a game if you don’t deep quote.

Lisa: Louis, deep quote?

Louis: Yeah, bud. Deep quote.

Lisa: The ‘bud’ thing gotta stop right now.

Duff: Alright. Okay, okay. My turn. Guess I’ll pick an easy one. Okay. “Hey, hi, I didn’t know you were here.”

Louis: Got it. No, no. Someone else go. Someone else go.

Kyle: Duff, it’s not a ton of identifying information in there.

Ego: Yeah, girl. What are you quoting?

Louis: Guys, it’s easy. Failure to Launch. Keep up, you morons.

Chris: Hey, I don’t like that.

Meli: Hey, Duff, maybe let’s play this another time.

Duff: What? No. We’re tied 2-2. I’m not about to lay down and let Lisa’s hot husband rail me.

Lisa: My husband?

Ego: Rail you?

Duff: Okay, okay, okay. Come on, quote off. You and me.

Louis: Alright. Let’s go, little girl.

Duff: Okay. “What made you pick me?”

Louis: Captain Phillips.

Duff: Ugh! Dammit. Go.

Louis: Only buddy goodie. “What are we supposed to do?”

Duff: Captain Phillips. Oh! Trying to trick me. Okay.

Louis: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Duff: Okay. Here’s another one. “It’s okay.”

Louis: Captain Phillips. You sneaky bitch!

[Duff and Louis are giggling]

Ego: Stop quoting Captain Phillips.

Louis: Okay, okay, okay. Here we go. “Go-do-un-bujah.”

Duff: “Go-do-un-bujah.” They are rich. parasite!

Meli: Parasite?

Chris: So, now you y’all know Korean? That’s stupid.

Duff: Okay, okay. Final round. No words, act out only.

Louis: Alright. Easy. I’ll start.

[Louis just raises his hands]

Duff: Up In the Air.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: Got it.

All: Up In the Air?

Duff: Okay, okay. My turn.

[Duff just coughs. Now, Duff and Louis are standing facing each other.]

Louis: Oh, Philadelphia! Get out!

Duff: Alright. Okay. You’re up.

Louis: Okay, okay. I got it.

[Louis kisses Duff]

All: No! No! No!

Duff: The notebook.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: I knew it was Gosling from your tongue.

[Lisa stands]

Lisa: Alright. Enough of this. Get out of my house.

Duff: [pointing at Lisa] Broke By Mountain.

Louis: Broke By Mountain.

Lisa: Get the hell out.

Debbie Downer Wedding Reception

Chris Redd

Mark… Alex Moffat

Liz McKellen… Heidi Gardner

Hank… Kenan Thompson

Karen… Aidy Bryant

Mindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Gary… Daniel Craig

Debbie Downer… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Chris speaking in a wedding reception.]

Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear some noise for our newly hitched, Mr. and Mrs. who have been stealing some kisses, Mark and Liz McKellen, y’all!

[cheers and applause]

Hank: Aw, you know, I never thought that Liz would settle down but Mark is the perfect match. [raising glass] To happily ever after

All: To happily ever after.

[A woman walks in wearing a gas mask]

Woman: Is this table nine?

Karen: Oh! Wow. Um, yes, it is. It sure is.

[The woman takes a vacant seat]

Mindy: We’re in the fun table.

[The woman is trying to eat without taking off the mask.]

Gary: Looks like you’re gonna have to take the mask off to eat unless you’re gonna poke a little hole in the middle there. [pointing at the mask]

Karen: Yeah. Don’t worry. None of us are sick. We’re just a little tipsy.

[The woman opens her mask. It’s Debbie Downer.] [cheers and applause]

Debbie Downer: Well, unfortunately with COVID-Chris9, you can display no symptoms and still be wildly contagious. Hi, I’m Debbie.

[Cut to the show intro]

Song: You’re enjoying your day
everything’s going your way

then comes Debbie Downer

Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
a car accident or killer bees
you’ll beg her to spare you “Debbie, please!”
but you can’t stop Deddie Downer

[Cut to the dining table at the wedding reception]

Gary: That’s a pretty elaborate mask. It kind of looks futuristic. Is it?

Debbie Downer: Um, I bought one of the last N-95s on amazon. They said to forego masks, but good luck nabbing one when we’re facing a world wide pandemic.

Karen: Yeah, I’m sure we’re all gonna be okay.

Mindy: So, Debbie, maybe we should introduce ourselves.

All: [hooting] Table nine! Table nine!

Karen: I’m Liz’s aunt Karen. And this is my daughter Mindy.

Hank: Yes. And I’m cousin Hank. And this is uncle Gary.

Gary: And why are you here?

Karen: Hey, hey.

Gary: I don’t know. I mean, how do you know happy couple?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I am Mark’s first cousin, once removed for trespassing.

Gary: How about a little drink? Maybe that will you know, loosen you up a little?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I don’t wanna drink too much. Last time I drank, I was almost #MeToo’d.

Mindy: Oh, that’s terrible. Did someone take advantage of you?

Hank: Now, why would you delve?

Debbie Downer: I was on one of those ‘just lunch’ dates and choked on a crouton. My date had to give me the heimlich. He clearly thought the bottom the bottom of my ribcage was much higher. #NotBuyingIt.

Gary: Question. Do we have to stay at our assigned tables?

Hank: Yeah. Debbie, why don’t you go say hi to the bride and groom?

Debbie Downer: Oh, okay.

[Debbie Downer walks to the bride and groom]

Hey, congrats you guys. This is a beautiful wedding. I wanted to give you my gift though. [gives them an envelope] Here, open it. I made a donation in your name to my favorite charity.

Liz: Oh, thanks. Oh, $twentyfive donation to pounce for cure?

Debbie Downer: Um-hmm.

Liz: A cure for what?

Mark: No. Don’t ask that.

Debbie Downer: Feline AIDS. It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

Mark: Hey, uh, Debbie, you know, they’re serving the entrée, so why don’t you go sit down and stuff your mouth with good food?

Debbie Downer: Okay, enjoy guys.

[Cut to the table nine]

Hank: Yes!

Gary: Oh, I’m ready for my beef.

Karen: Yeah. These mashed potatoes look like heaven.

[Debbie Downer takes her seat]

Mindy: After we eat, I’d vote we get a line dance.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

Debbie Downer: Hey, speaking of voting, how do you guys feel about Trump?

[Everybody gets upset.] [Karen looks happy.]

Oh, look guys, I just caught the bouquet. You know who else loves flowers? Honey bees. Too bad they’re on their way out.

[Outro]

Song: But you can’t stop Deddie Downer