Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Chaos in the White House

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The flurry of staff resignations have led many to say that the Trump White House is in chaos. Here to comment are his first sons, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us, Colin. Eric, what do you say?

Eric: Please, make yourself at home.

Donald Trump Jr.: Close, bud, but that’s what you say when someone visits you. Okay.

Colin Jost: So, what are you guys been up to since we saw you last?

Donald Trump Jr.: What we do best. [Eric is copying Donald Trump Jr.’s gestures] Taking the Trump Organization to new heights. I took a trip to India which is an incredibly poor country where I’m hoping to make a lot of money.

Eric: I saw Paddington too.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did, bud.

Colin Jost: That’s really great. Now, what do you have to say to the claim that the White House is now in chaos?

Donald Trump Jr.: I know it’s played out, Colin. But fake news. I mean, you know our father has a little nickname for you members of the elitist liberal media.

Eric: God damn, Jews!

Donald Trump Jr.: No! No! Eric! Eric, that was awful. Bud, no. That was a bad one, bud. [Colin Jost laughing] You know, these stories you’ve heard are complete fabrications. Our father has everything completely under control. In fact, Colin, we spoke to our father right before we came out here and he said–

Eric: [interrupting] Stop bringing Eric on TV with you.

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, he did say that. But he also said, “Just be honest.” That’s what’s so ridiculous about the claims of this adult film star. [Eric does the holding breasts hand gesture.] She and my father never had relationship.

Eric: They just wrestled in bed.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. [Donald Trump Jr. pulls out a book] You wanna read your book, buddy?

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: New one. [Eric is looking at the book] And as far as this chaos, Colin, staff turnover is good. [Eric is just reading the book’s cover] Eric, don’t just read the cover, buddy. It’s a book. Look, it’s a pop-up book.

[Donald Trump Jr. opens the book. Flowers pop out of the book. Eric gets scared.]

No. Don’t be scared, bud. It’s supposed to do that. Buddy, it’s a pop-up book.

Eric: Pop-pop?

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Pop-up. Pop-up.

Eric: Pop?

Donald Trump Jr.: We’ll put it on a flashcard, bud. It’s okay. Just read. [Eric is still scared] It’s okay. It’s not gonna hurt you, buddy. [to Colin Jost] As I was saying, Colin, turnover is a good thing.

[Eric turns the page looking scared. But as the page turns and a house pops up, he is very excited.]

I see. it’s fun to read, right? What’s that word?

Eric: Ssss.

Donald Trump Jr.: She. [to Colin Jost] Things are running smoothly. There is no chaos. And my father is in complete control. Now, we have to run. We have a big day tomorrow.

Eric: We’re going Good Will Hunting.

Donald Trump Jr.: Told you, bud. It’s Big Game Hunting. Big Game Hunting.

Eric: Matt Damon’s still gonna be there?

Donald Trump Jr.: Matt Damon was never gonna be there.

Colin Jost: Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus on Third Winter Storm

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The eastern seaboard was slammed by two massive winter storms in seven days canceling thousands of flights and leaving millions without power. Now, third storm may be on the way. Here to explain is Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her Weather news set] [cheers and applause]

Dawn Lazarus: Thank you Mi-ka-kel. You got that right. We’re looking at not one, not two but two big biggies. Some are the biggest bids we’ve seen in quite a times. Absolutely dump after dump. Wow!

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble understanding what you’re saying.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, it’s simple. Windy winds are coming out of your north and your east, pushing it way down into that major cold cohooting. Yeah?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Yeah what?

Dawn Lazarus: What?

Michael Che: You sounded like you had more to say.

Dawn Lazarus: Yup.

Michael Che: Is something wrong, Dawn? Only about half of what you’re saying makes sense.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: It’s live TV and its a bit nervous, okay? Cameras will make that mouth go poop.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. What can you tell us about why there’s been so many storms?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah. What a wow it’s been out in that side. This year’s got temps in this simple dipits. Why? Global warming. We treat that earth like a big bitch. Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Okay. So, it seems like storms are becoming more common. Do you have any tips for how to prepare or–?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Um. De- bet ya. First of, be sure to keep it safety. And hey, if you gotta go car on those icy roads, slowing it right down will be the bib pop of deal, nakay?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah. Nakay. So, are you able to tell us whether there’s gonna be another storm?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus. She is facing backwards.]

Dawn?

[Dawn Lazarus turns around]

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Is there another storm on the way?

Dawn Lazarus: Shoe don’t know.

Michael Che: Okay. Dawn Lazarus, everybody.

Dawn Lazarus: Thank it.

Michael Che: Thank it? For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Dawn Lazarus: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Kim Jong-un Meeting with Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s are picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at left top corner.]

In a stunning turn of events, North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un has agreed to meet in May with Donald Trump or whoever is president in May. Trump will be the first sitting US president to meet with the leader of North Korea. And it’s also going to be the first time where both translators start every sentence with, “Okay, so what I think he said was…” I just love that there’s a potential nuclear war hanging in the balance and we’re putting in our lives in the hands of the only two guys connected on Dennis Rodman’s LinkedIn page.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s are picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts warn that the talk between Trump and Kim Jong-Un could be risky, because, well, duh! Best case scenario, they’ll realize they’re both crazy and become best friends like their movie “Step Brothers.” But more than likely, Donald Trump is gonna realize that he’s just twitter crazy and Kim Jong-Un is crazy crazy. And there’s a big old difference. One guy trolls Oprah online and the other guy murdered his uncle with a cannon. This could end up being the greatest episode of Scared Straight ever! What do you think Trump’s gonna say at dinner when they tell them he is eating disrespectful limo driver?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen and Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And in this week’s presidential porno recap, Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen who is definitely a candidate for friend of the year said that he used funds from his own home equity line to pay $130,000 to silence Stormy Daniels. Can anyone in America imagine taking out a home equity loan to help their friend pay off a pornstar? The best part is you know that right after Cohen settled up with Stormy, Trump saw another pornstar and was like, “She is pretty cute too”, and Cohen’s like, “Dude, I’m gonna lose my house.”

I think it’s also fitting that the story about the president having an affair with a pornstar is struggling to hold our attention. Because the news now has become like porn. We’re desensitized. These days news wise we can only get excited about Asian lesbians. [Picture changes to Kim Jong-Un.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Gary Cohn at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright. Gary Cohn has resigned as the White House job Economic Advisor. Cohn hopes to work somewhere a little less chaotic than the White House like, I don’t know, a Walmart on Black Friday? In response to his resignation, the Dow Jones fell more than 300 points. Now, 300 points sounds like a lot but keep in mind I have no idea what the hell the Dow Jones is. I reacted to Dow the same way I react to my boys when they tell me they’re about to have a kid. I’m like, “Word? How you feel about that?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Seychelles map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week it was revealed that in January of 2017, a secret meeting took place in Seychelles between a Trump associate and official from United Arab Emirates and a Russian banker with ties to the Kremlin. So, sounds innocent. At least with all these Mueller stuff, we’re learning a lot about geography. You know? I mean Trump at this point is basically Carmen Santiago. Only, he wants to deport everyone with a name like Carmen Santiago.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump an PlayStation games at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump met with executives from the video game industry to discuss the connection between violent video games and shootings. I don’t know. I grew up playing Mario Brothers but I never had the urge to curve stomp a turtle. Though I did grow up with a kid that played PCman all day and now he’s addicted to pills and sees ghost everywhere.

Weekend Update on International Women’s Day 2018

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonald’s arches put upside down making it a “W” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: McDonald’s celebrated international women’s day by turning it’s golden arches upside down. Not to be out-done, In-N-Out Burger changed its name to “Adequate Foreplay.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a barbie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also, in honor of international women’s day, barbie has released a new Amelia Earhart doll. It’s the only barbie that’s gotta be around here somewhere.

[Picture changes to gummy bears]

Three daycare workers in Chicago were arrested for giving gummy bears laced with sleep inducing melatonin to a class of two year olds. Worse, they woke them up with cocaine.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of map of West Virginia and people in strike at right top corner.]

Michael Che: West Virginia law makers reached a deal with public school teachers to end their strike and give them a 5% pay rise. Good. Nobody’s more underpaid than public school teachers. You ever see a faculty parking lot? Teachers drive cars made by companies that don’t even make cars. My dad is a public school teacher. He drives a 97 Frigidare.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bottle with a message written on it at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A family in Australia has discovered what’s believed to be the world’s oldest message in a bottle which was thrown into the sea over 130 years ago by a then middle aged Bernie Sanders.

This Is U.S.

Ben Carson… Sterling K. Brown

Heidi Gardner.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Jared Kushner… Pete Davidson

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[starts with message video]

Male voice: Millions of Americans have tuned into the show that’s captivating a nation.

[Cut to Ben Carson reading in his desk. Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Dr. Ben Carson, what’s wrong?

Ben Carson: All of it. All of it is wrong.

Male voice: A drama so unnerving, you can’t look away.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders on press confereince]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: This whole thing with the president having sex with a pornstar, it just didn’t happen. [There’s a sticky note on the podium with “Stop lying Sarah” written on it. Sarah Huckabee Sanders sees it. She tears it out. Underneath, there’s another sticky note with “Seriously, what are you doing?” written on it.]

Male voice: The number one drama in America.

[Cut to Jared Kushner. His room if full of empty liquor bottles. He has a bottle full of liquor in his hands.]

Jared Kushner: United Arab Emirates? Hey, this is Jared Kushner. Is there anyway that I can borrow like, $800 million?

[Jared Kushner throws the bottle on the wall and breaks it.]

Male voice: NBC presents, this is US. The real life drama happening in our government everyday. The show critics are calling, “Like, ‘This Is Us’, but without the parts that feel good.”

[Cut to Ben Carson with his wife]

Ben Carson: Baby, I’m scared.

Ben’s wife: It’s okay. You’re gonna make a great surgeon general.

Ben Carson: No. I run the department of housing and urban development.

Ben’s wife: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s hilarious. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Male voice: Entertainment Weekly says, “You’ll be laughing through tears. Except without the laughing. So I guess just regular crying.” With loving tributes to the many, many people we’ve lost.

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders is crying over urns of Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci and Hope Hicks.] [Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders sitting with Kellyanne Conway]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: You’re growing up to be just like me. Maybe even better. Meaning, worse.

Male voice: And of course, there’s hella crying.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway sobbing. But she stops immediately]

Kellyanne Conway: No. I can’t cry. Ha-ha. I have nothing in me.

Male voice: This is US. This is real.

Sterling K. Brown Monologue

Sterling K. Brown

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sterling K. Brown.

[Sterling K. Brown walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Sterling K. Brown: Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m very excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is Sterling K. Brown. [cheers and applause] Thank you. And K stands for Katheline. Now, most of you probably know me from “This Is Us.” [cheers and applause] Thank you. Which is the saddest thing you can watch on TV other than the news. You know, I actually have reputation for being pretty sensitive. And what can I say? I’m an actor. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. But I promise tonight that I won’t get overwhelmed because, um– [starts getting emotional]

It’s SNL, you know? I mean, how lucky am I to be here? And on top of everything I’ve gotten to do in the last few years, it’s just like the icing on the cake. But, whoo! Get it together, Sterling Katheline. It’s all good.

But everyone has been really supportive. So, if you’re fan of “This Is Us”, be sure to tune in to the after show, “That Was Them.” Or a spinoff where all black family adopts a white child called, “This Us”. It’s really beautiful. You know, the whole cast of “This Is Us” is so close. It feels like a real family, you know? Mandy, Milo, and my mama, [getting emotional] and my papa.

[yelling] No! No, no, no. Come on Brown! Come on, baby. Whoof! Hosting SNL is a dream come true. It’s such a whirlwind and I’ve been happy just to be along for the ride and to the cast, thank you for making me feel at home. Like, my first day here, Kenan comes up to me. I mean, Kenan Thompson! He is seriously like one of my– [getting emotional] He’s like one of my heroes. You know. And he said, “I got this idea where we play sidemen twins that are attached at the butts.” I mean Kenan brought that idea to me. You know? [sobbing] I’m so honored. I’m so– I’m so blessed. Man! I’m sorry. Just give me a second, please.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie Jones: Starling, we have got to get on with the show. This is the thing.

[cheers and applause]

Sterling K. Brown: Leslie Jones, everybody. Queen!

Leslie Jones: Yeah, that don’t work with me. I’m a grown ass woman. Um, Sterling, you gotta stop crying. You are ruining you for me.

Sterling K. Brown: Yeah. I know. I know. But Leslie, I just got to say, you are such an inspiration.

Leslie Jones: Okay.

Sterling K. Brown: I mean, just think of how far you’ve come.

Leslie Jones: Okay.

Sterling K. Brown: Ay! You know, you are the funniest person on this show!

Leslie Jones: [excited] I mean, that’s what I’ve been saying.

Sterling K. Brown: You the best!

Leslie Jones: You the best!

Sterling K. Brown: I promise I’ll keep it together, you know?

Leslie Jones: Yes! Keep it together.

Sterling K. Brown: Because we got a great show for you tonight! James Bay is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Sasquatch

Melissa Villaseñor

Jackie… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Sterling K. Brown

Randy… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Cut to a video of jungle myst. The caption reads “It came from the woods.”] [Cut to five people enjoying campfire in Chauncey State Park at 11:43 PM.]

Melissa: Hey, Jackie. You’re gonna sneak into Matt’s tent again tonight and get down?

All: Ooh!

Jackie: Shut up. We didn’t have like, full on sex.

Matt: We made love over the clothes.

[Jackie looks at Matt angrily] [there’s some animal sound coming from the bushes.]

Randy: You guys hear that? [Everybody stands. Randy walks near the bushes.] Hello?

[Something walks out of the bushes]

Jackie: Matt, what the hell is that?

Matt: Randy, freeze. I think that’s a Sasquatch.

Pete: Yo! That’s Bigfoot. Yo, I gotta get a selfie.

Matt: No! Everybody stay absolutely still. I watch a lot of monkey man on Discovery. Apes feel threatened by sudden movements.

[The Sasquatch is near Randy]

Randy: [doing hand gestures] Me. Friend. Me nice. No hurt. Friends. Friends. Friends. Me, you, the same.

[Sasquatch punches Randy]

Oh! What the hell! Matt!

Matt: Don’t freak out.

[Sasquatch is putting his fingers in Randy’s mouth.]

Randy: Matt? Matt? He wants to put his fingers in my mouth, Matt!

Matt: Bro, just let him do it. He is establishing dominance.

Randy: Oh, they smell like dried poo. Am I gonna get sick?

Jackie: Let him, Randy. God!

Randy: Matt! Get the shotgun out of your car!

Matt: Buckshot will barely leave a mark on this thing. [calling the Sasquatch] Hey! [moves near the fire] Fire! Huh? Hot. Warm.

[Sasquatch walks to the fire]

Randy: Fire.

[Sasquatch burns himself, runs backward and beats Randy.]

Matt: Oh, damn!

Randy: No! [yelling] No! Me strong. No, me strong. Me alpha. [Sasquatch and Randy growl at each other] You go. [Randy pushes Sasquatch and it leaves.] Yes, that’s right. [to his friends] What you think about that, Matt? King Kong ain’t got nothing.

[Sasquatch runs in and hits Randy. Randy falls down.]

Oh, Matt!

[Sasquatch pulls Randy up]

Okay!

Matt: Just go with him, Randy. You challenged him. So he is shaming you now.

Randy: Matt! He is making me hold his part.

Matt: Primates do this. I think it’s very common, maybe. He’s showing how non threatening you are.

[Sasquatch takes Randy’s hat and pees on it.]

Randy: Oh! He’s peeing on my hat, Matt!

Matt: He’s marking you. The process has begun.

[Pete is taking pictures of Sasquatch and Randy]

Randy: Don’t post that.

[Sasquatch gestures for Randy to put the hat back on.]

Put it on? Oh!

Matt: Oh, bro. That’s not good.

[Sasquatch pulls Randy towards the fire.]

Randy: What are you doing? Matt? Matt?

Matt: Just let him do it, Randy.

[Sasquatch makes Randy sit near the fire. He is placing his butt on Randy’s shoulders.]

Randy: What is this?

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-h.

Randy: Wiping his ass on my hat.

Matt: It will be over before you know it, bro.
Pete: Randy, catch!

[Pete throws a baseball bat to Randy. Randy catches it.]

Randy: [pointing the bat to the Sasquatch] Batter up!

[Sasquatch punches Randy again. It takes the baseball bat and starts hitting Randy with it. Randy runs into the tent.]

Matt, he has the bat.

[Sasquatch runs to the tend and start hitting it from the outside. It pulls the whole tent into the bushes.]

Jackie: Oh, no. Randy. He is–

[Randy jumps in]

Randy: Right here. I slipped out the back-flap of the tent. He may have a big foot, but I have a big brain.

[Sasquatch runs in near Randy again]

Matt?

[Sasquatch punches Randy into the sky.]

Family Feud- Oscars Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

Guillermo del Toro… Beck Bennett

Allison Janney… Heidi Gardner

Jordan Peele… Chris Redd

Common… Sterling K. Brown

Sally Hawkins… Melissa Villaseñor

Willem Dafoe… Alex Moffat

Timothee Chalamet… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro]

Male voice: Celebrity Family Feud, Oscars edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in to the set] [cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Alright. Okay, now. Welcome to the Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar edition. Now, you might not believe this but I have never went to Oscar. My live show won a Black Tony award which in the industry is called Tony Braxton. Alright, today we got Oscars winners versus Oscar losers. [cheers and applause] On the winner side, she just got Best Actress for three billboards, Frances McDormand.

Frances McDormand: Thank you. Thank you. And for all you ladies out there, I have two words that are going to change our industry. Burlap dress. Thank you.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you the kind of lady who goes to a dog park and appoints herself sheriff. Alright, next up, he won best director for the “Shape of Water,” and let me see if I’m pronouncing it correctly. Gucci Del Taco.

Guillermo del Toro: Hello, Steve. It’s Guillermo del Toro.

Steve Harvey: Now, your movie is about a lady who gets busy with a fish.

Guillermo del Toro: Ah! Fish monster. Yes. I love my monsters.

Steve Harvey: And it won Best Picture? Man, that sounds like Wayne’s Brothers movie. Ha-ha-ha. Alright, next. She just on an Oscar for “I, Tonya,” and Im’ sorry but I din’t see it, this is Allison Janney.

Allison Janney: Well, if you wanna know Oscar, I have one piece of advice. Act with the bird. [giggling] Oh! Thank you, pumpkin. If anything you gave me wings.

Steve Harvey: Oh, man I wish they made tiny little Oscars for birds. Oh! Alright, next. He just won best screenplay for “Get Out.” This is Jordan Peele. Congratulations, bro.

Jordan Peele: Thank you very much, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Oh, man. You are so funny too. I loved you on Key and Peele.

Jordan Peele: Well, sketch comedy is great but at some point, you have to move on. You know?

[Steve Harvey looks disappointed.]

Steve Harvey: [clears his throat] Um, you do?

Jordan Peele: Yeah. After a few years, you just gotta do something more artistic. You know?

Steve Harvey: How many years?

Jordan Peele: Are you okay, Steve?

Steve Harvey: Oh, who? Who? Me? Yeah. No, Im’ fine, player. Yeah. I’m real good. I’m real good. Let’s go over to the Oscars losers side. Alright, first up, he’s a rapper who won last year for best song but he lost this year. Common.

Common: Yo! Yo! Blessings, yo! It’s an honor to be a part of this family. Like, despite our feud, we still put food on the table. Provide for the children, make sure their future’s stable.

Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Yeah. Okay, okay. Let’s just slow it down there, Dr. Martin Luther sues. Alright, next, she was nominated for the “Shape of Water,” it’s the lady that got busy with the fish-man, Sally Hawkins.

Sally Hawkins: Hello, Steve. [does the sign language]

Steve Harvey: Now, tell me. Was that fish-man actually sexy?

[Sally Hawkins does the sign language again. She looks like she’s blushing.]

Oh! Whoo! Swampy! Alright, next, he’s a best supporting actor nominee and he kind of looks like the Joker without the make up. It’s Willem Dafoe. How are you feeling Willem?

Willem Dafoe: Totally relaxed.

Steve Harvey: You sure?

Willem Dafoe: Yep. Just cooling out, Steve. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Steve Harvey: Ooh, you spooky little goblin. Alright, finally, he was nominated for “Call Me By Your Name.” This is Timothee Chalamet.

Timothee Chalamet: Stop! Come on! You’re embarrassing me. I’m so cute.

Steve Harvey: Man! I saw you in that movie getting busy with a peach. I guess a fish wasn’t available. Alright, give me two players up here. Let’s play the Feud.

[Steve Harvey and Common walk to Steve Harvey.]

Common: Yo, yo, Frances, this is a privilege.

Frances McDormand: Yeah. Yeah. I might be smiling but I’m not friendly.

Steve Harvey: Feel that chemistry cracker! Alright, 100 people surveyed. Name something that you do when you get up in the morning. [buzzer sound] Common.

Common: Oh, the first thing I do? Well, [background music playing] inspire, illuminate and multiply, teach our children the ways in which one amplifies our voices and out choices will glorify.

Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Alright. Alright. Let’s just buzz that. Let’s buzz them. [wrong answer buzzer] Man! You ain’t no rapper. You more like a Ted talk set to music. Frances, first thing you do in the morning.

Frances McDormand: Well, hmm. You know, as a woman in the industry, I got to doll myself up. So, I do my skincare regimen which is just straight up vaseline. And then I curl my hair using my own anger coz I’ve, you know, had it!

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me, “Some lady yelling.”

[right answer bell] [The answer board has ‘Fix hair’ in the answers]

Oh, man! Number three answer. Alright, y’all got the board. [cheers and applause] Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Steve Harvey walks to Guillermo del Toro] Jasape De Tona, something that you do when you get up in the morning.

Guillermo del Toro: Our mornings are mysterious. When dawn breaks, I check my nightmare traps for monsters. [Guillermo del Toro drops his glasses] Excuse me, I dropped my glasses. [Guillermo del Toro leans down. Then he scares Steve Harvey making the monster face putting his both palms on his face. His palms have eyes on them.]

Steve Harvey: Ah! No! No! No! [wrong answer buzzer] Man, you are crazy, Del Taco! Alright, let’s go with Allison Janney. What do you do in the morning?

Allison Janney: Gosh. I don’t do much. I mean, I shoot an episode of “Mom”, then two Windy’s, then a commercial. That’s where there are no older women. Jobs for them in Hollywood, I took em’ all. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me loading up your IMDB page. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! Not there. I’m sorry. Jordan Peele, something that you do in the morning.

Jordan Peele: Well, right now, I’m working on a movie about Ben Carson.

Steve Harvey: Oh, really? What’s that called?

Jordan Peele: “Get Out 2: Wake Up Brother.”

Steve Harvey: Oh. Yeah. That would explain it. Show me, making a movie about the walking dead. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! It’s not up there. Alright, Oscar losers, you got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to Oscar losers] Give me some answers.

Timothee Chalamet: Oh, I can’t say, man.

Willem Dafoe: Frolic.

[Sally Hawkins just does the sign language]

Steve Harvey: Um-hmm. Yeah. Alright. Common, you’re the team leader. Do you got an answer?

Common: Oh. Answers. They not up in some board, they’re inside us.

Steve Harvey: Oh, lord. Here we go. Here we go.

[music playing in the background. Common walks to the center.]

Common: Ay. From Martin to Malcolm to Barack and Michelle
we can make light out of dark and find heaven in hell

Steve Harvey: There’s like, church too.

Common: You’re your own future, just come out of your shell
raise fists, take risks, and believe in yourself

Steve Harvey: Just go to commercial!

Common: No, you have the power and you have the ability
everything can change in an instant

Family Dinner – Shrek

Scott… Beck Bennett

Claire… Melissa Villaseñor

Justin… Sterling K. Brown

Mrs. Reed… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a family having dinner at home with daughter’s boyfriend.]

Claire: [laughing] Dad.

Scott: Anyway. Moral of the story, don’t have a fender bender with the NBA’s Penny Hardaway.

Justin: Oh, wow. I can’t believe that happened, Mr. Anderson.

Scott: Call me Scott.

Mrs. Reed: You know, Claire’s told us so much about you, Justin. I think she likes you.

Claire: Okay, mom. That’s enough.

Justin: Oh, gosh. Well, I like that pot roast, Mrs. Reed. And I’ll tell you what. I feel like home with you guys already. You’re so much fun.

Claire: Aw, Justin.

Mrs. Reed: Well, we are– you are just welcome to stay as long as you want. Although, I will say we conk out at about nine. And occasionally when we get really wild, we watch a movie.

Scott: Yeah. We just rented Coco Pixar film. Just won the Oscar. Phenomenal.

Mrs. Reed: Yeah. Best animated movie I’ve ever seen. Hands down. Oh, and as per tomorrow we can just–

[Justin is laughing]

Justin: That’s a good one. Oh!

Mrs. Reed: Sorry, what?

Scott: What is Justing?

Justin: Oh, your wife’s jokes. She just said that Coco is the best animated film she’s ever seen. It made me laugh. That’s all.

Mrs. Reed: Oh! I wasn’t joking exactly.

Justin: Oh, com on. No. It’s Shrek. You haven’t ever heard of it? I’m serious, Shrek.

Mrs. Reed: Oh, um, yes. You know, I believe that we saw that one, right honey?

Scott: Um, maybe on a plane. Yeah. Pretty good. Is that your favorite, Justin?

Justin: No, Scott, I’m a liar. Yes, it is my favorite. it’s also the best. That’s just the fact.

Claire: It’s okay, Justin.

Justin: It’s not okay. It’s annoying.

Scott: We just like the Pixars. That’s all. Now, who would like some cran apple pie?

Claire: Ooh, I would. My dad makes the most amazing cran apple pie.

Justin: Sure. Whatever. I’m sorry, you have seen Shrek. Right?

Scott: No. We’ve seen it.

Claire: Justin, drop it.

Justin: This is hilarious to me. Myers, Murphy, Diaz, Lithgow, a murderous role of voice talent. Can you say the same for Coco? I doubt it.

Mrs. Reed: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess I just always found the whole Ogre thing a little off putting.

Justin: [yelling] No!

Claire: Justin!

Justin: You’re wrong. You’re wrong and you’re stupid person.

Scott: Easy, fella.

Mrs. Reed: My goodness.

Justin: Whatever. Screw it. What’s that dumb ass pie you were talking about?

Mrs. Reed: Okay, what in the world is this about?

Justin: I just doing like being bullied. That’s all.

Scott: Alright. Okay. I don’t think anyone was bullying you exactly.

Justin: Ha-ha-ha. Everybody laugh at the guy whose favorite movie is Shrek. He must be an idiot.

Mrs. Reed: Okay. Well, I do not think you’re an idiot at all. And I apologize if it came off that way.

Justin: Apology rejected.

Claire: Maybe we should just go.

Justin: Why? I’m having a great time. Are you not having a great time, Scott?

Scott: Oh, I’m not. And that’s about your tone, fella.

Justin: I can’t believe I have to defend a movie with three hit sequels and 4D Universal Studio drive. But let’s all bend over backwards for Coco, right Scott?

Scott: Easy, donkey! Oh. I’m kidding, Justin. Just trying to lighten the mood here. Do a little Shrek for ya.

Justin: Keep his name out of your mouth you dumb son of a bitch.

[Justin throws water from his glass on Scott’s face]

Scott: Okay. [bangs the table] That’s it.

Justin: What? Fight me, bully. Come on.

Mrs. Reed: Okay. Let’s all just calm down.

Claire: Justin, what the hell? You’re ruining the big surprise.

Mrs. Reed: What surprise?

Claire: We’re engaged.

Scott: [yelling] What?

Justin: Yeah. We’re getting married. So you both can eat my butt.

Claire: Oh!

Justin: And guess who’s officiating?

Scott: Who? Shrek?

Justin: No, you dumb ass. Shrek is CGI. What? It’s Puss in Boots himself, Antonio Banderas. Ever heard of him?

Mrs. Reed: I’m upset. I’m very upset now. And I’d like for you to leave.

Scott: [yelling] How the hell did you swing Antonio Banderas?

Justin: It’s called money. Everyone has a price. Even Antonio Banderas. What’s your’s? 30 bucks? You cheap ass!

[Justin throws water from his glass on Scott’s face again.]

Scott: That’s it. I’m calling the police.

Justin: Oopdie-doo, Claire. Let’s leave.

Claire: Um, I’m gonna stay. You can go, Justin.

Justin: Wait, what? Baby, what did I do?

[The End]

Dying Mrs. Gomez

Pete Davidson

Michael… Sterling K. Brown

Cecily Strong

Mrs. Gomez… Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Luke Null

[Starts with Mrs. Gomez lying on the bed sick. Her children are there to take care of her.]

Pete: Mom, we’re right here.

[door knocking] [Pete opens the door. Michael walks in.]

Cecily: Oh, Michael. So good to see you.

Michael: How is she doing?

Cecily: Not good. But she’ll be happy to see you. It’s been too long.

Michael: I came as soon as I heard. I’m glad I’m not too late.

Pete: Yeah. We don’t know how long she has left. It’s been a long day.

Cecily: Hey, mom. Michael’s here. Paramedics just left. Oh, she wants to say something to you.

Mrs. Gomez: Michael. Come here, Michae.

Michael: Hi, Mrs. Gomez. What is it?

Mrs. Gomez: There is something that I need to tell you.

Michael: Yes, ma’am. Anything. What is it? You can tell me.

Mrs. Gomez: I- I never made it.

Michael: Never made it? What do you mean never made it?

Mrs. Gomez: [hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing.

Michael: Um, what was that, Mrs. Gomez. Was that a Nickleback song? Mrs. Gomez, why are you telling me this?

Cecily: Michael. I think she needs to rest.

Michael: Can you just wait? I need to hear what she’s saying. Mrs. Gomez. What did you say?

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Cecily: I can’t stand seeing her in pain.

Pete: No. It will be okay. It will be okay.

Michael: Mrs. Gomez. Please.

Mrs. Gomez: I… I…

[music playing] [hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing
tired of living like a blind man
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me

[Michael is rocking his body to the music]

This is how you remind me of what I really am

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Michael: No. No, no, no, no. Mrs. Gomez.

Cecily: Oh, my god. Jonathan, get the paramedics. Quick. [Pete walks out] Michael, what did she say?

Michael: I don’t know. But it rocked. Come on, Mrs. Gomez. Wake up.

[Pete walks in with Alex and Luke. They’re both wearing their uniforms.]]

Alex: We got a situation here. Is this the woman who fell into the moshpit at the Nickelback concert?

Luke: Yes, it is. Everybody, clear the area.

Pete: What did my mom say?

Michael: It’s personal. Just back off.

Cecily: You can tell us. We’re her kids.

Alex: Give me the defibrillators.

Luke: Copy.

[Alex and Luke are getting the defibrillators ready.

Michael: I’m not sure you’ll be able to hear this but your mom said something really cool.

Cecily: Come on, Mike. Those might be my mother’s last words. You’re not gonna tell us?

Michael: Okay, fine. She said– Man, this is heavy. She said…

[music playing] [singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing

Alex: Clear!

[Alex and Luke give her the defibrillator shock]

Michael: Tired of living like a blind man

[Cecily is rocking her body to the music]
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

Luke: I’ve heard a lot of last words, but your mom kicked the most ass. Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock]

Michael: [singing] This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am

Luke: Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock. She wakes up and starts singing.]

Mrs. Gomez: It’s not like you to say sorry

[Everybody in the room are rocking their bodies.]
I was waiting on a different story
This time I’m mistaken

Michael and Mrs. Gomez: For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I’ve been wrong
I’ve been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream
Are we having fun yet

All: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Mrs. Gomez: Oh, no!

[Mrs. Gomez finally dies. But people in the room are clapping for her.]

Michael: That’s Nickelback!

Alex: I don’t know why you guys are clapping. This woman is dead.