Tag: episode 15

Jingle Pitch

Serena… Jenna Ortega

Mitchell… Mitchell Yang

Devon Walker

Chloe Fineman

Andrew Dismukes

James Austin Johnson

Serena: All right, troops. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Since breaking off from Donald’s Donalds Dominguez to form Donalds and Dominguez, we have not landed a single new client. You know why that is?

Devon: No.

Chloe: Not really.

Mitchell: It’s because Donald’s Donald’s Dominguez had a phone number that was easy to remember. And everybody in town knows their famous phone number jingle.

Serena: That’s right. We don’t have that. Mitchell, remind everyone of our number?

Mitchell: Our number is 1-672-555-0136.

Serena: What we need is to turn that number into a super catchy jingle

Chloe: But Serena there’s no way to create a catchy jingle with a number like that.

Serena: That’s where you’re wrong. My fellow partners, last Tuesday, Mitchell and I were at Luciano’s.

Mitchell: And yeah, I was drinking. No, I was getting tanked.

Serena: Mitchell got tanked at Luciano. But then this band got up on the stage and sang the catchiest pop funk hooks I had ever heard. Come on in guys.

[two guys walk in]

Andrew: Hey there.

James: Hello lawyers.

Andre: We are Soul Booth.

Serena: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Soul Booth. And they’re here to save us.

Andrew: Worked out a few demos for you.

James: Yeah, we heard you needed a pop funk hook that’ll stick on the mind leg grapevines.

Andrew: Maybe something like this. Here we go. Do you remember this one.

James: I do man.

Andrew: Ha-ha. Here we go. Come on.

[music playing]

Both: [singing] One.
Six-seven
Whoo!
Two.
Then three straight fives.
The next number is 0.
One.
Three.
And six.
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Donalds and Dominguez
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys. I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s gonna work for us.

Andrew: Uh-huh. And why is that?

Serena: It just doesn’t sound like what we heard at Luciano’s.

Andrew: Oh. You want that Luciano’s sound?

James: Yeah, you want it Luched?

Mitchell: Yes. This track should make me feel like I’m pegged up at Luch. Understood?

James: Loud and clear.

Andrew: Crystal.

Devon: Yeah, and the numbers should be closer together.

Chloe: Yeah, I think the numbers should be much closer together.

Andrew: Uh-huh. So it’ll be something like this. Ha-ha. You know this one?

James: I do, man.

Andrew: All right. Come on. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 1-672-555-0136
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys, come on. That’s totally wrong. And you call that a Luched-up track?

Mitchell: I should feel five daiquiris deep posted u at Luch right now.

Serena: What is so hard about that?

Mitchell: What is so hard about writing a jingle that feels like I’m getting decked down in the back Luch? Ringing back to cut me off but then not barback with the glasses looking like Mayim Bialik that’s making the act up. What’s so hard about that?

Serena: Can you do that?

Andrew: Yes, ma’am.

James: Can do.

Devon: Okay. Yeah. And the number should be presented somewhat like a phone number.

Chloe: Or just anywhere near that would be great.

James: I think we might have just the thing.

Andrew: Absolutely. Let’s take a trip y’all. Everybody. I want to take you somewhere. Somewhere where there is no race, no religion. A little place we call home. But you may know as Luciano’s. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: One more time, that feels so good.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: So, what do you think?

Serena: Mitchell, did they do it? Is it Luci?

Mitchell: Serena, not only can I now perfectly recall the phone number of our law office, but more importantly, I feel absolutely ass-out, daked down, and looched up. My only question is how much?

Both: $10,000.

Mitchell: Less.

Both: 40 each.

Mitchell: Deal.

All: 16,725,550,136

Jenna Ortega Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jenna Ortega.

[Jenna Ortega walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jenna Ortega: Thank you. Thank you guys very much. I am so excited to be here. My name is Jenna Ortega. I’m 20 years old, which makes me the youngest host of the season. But I’ve actually been acting since I was a kid. I got discovered when my mom put a video of me on Facebook, which someone explained to me is like TikTok, but for racism instead of dancing.

I’ve had a crazy couple of years I was in Wednesday, X, Scream 6. A lot of people assume that I’m dark and twisted in real life because of these roles that I play, but I’m not like that at all. I think there’s just something about my face where people see it and they’re like, “Hey, let’s throw blood on that.” But I wasn’t always in horror films. My first ever acting role was actually in a Colgate toothpaste commercial when I was nine. Take a look.

[Cut to Colgate toothpaste commercial]

Jenna Ortega as a kid: Wanna help me catch invisible nasties? You know, those little gems the head in your mouth. I’ll be back tonight invisible nasties.

[Cut back to Jenna Ortega]

Jenna Ortega: I am still that exact same girl. Same one. It’s just that I don’t know, scary music and editing can make anything seem like a horror film. Watch.

[Cut to the same Colgate commercial edited as a horror film]

[Cut back to Jenna Ortega]

I love horror movies, but honestly, I don’t get scared very easily. Part of the reason I actually wanted to come host SNL is that I wanted to face my biggest fear – happy, extroverted people who are always trying to perform. But everyone here has been so kind and this week has been a dream come true. You know, I’ve got a couple of friends here tonight including one of my co stars from Wednesday, Fred Armisen.

[Fred Armisen is within the audience]

Fred Armisen: Hi, Jenna. Don’t let me distract you. I’m just here to watch with these people who are below me.

Jenna Ortega: Oh, did you want to come up and join me on stage?

Fred Armisen: Oh, me? Go up there in front of the cameras? I could never.

Jenna Ortega: Okay, I’m sorry you don’t have to.

Fred Armisen: Alright fine, I will.

[Fred Armisen joins Jenna Ortega on stage]

[cheers and applause]

Wow, so this is what it feels like to be on Saturday Night Live?

Jenna Ortega: You were on the show for 11 seasons.

Fred Armisen: That’s sweet. Thank you.

Jenna Ortega: Seriously Fred, I’m so honored that you’re here. You’re the reason I started watching SNL actually. My favorite sketch of all time is the Californians.

[cheers and applause]

Fred Armisen: Thanks Jenna, that’s so nice. You know, the original idea came to me because I was giving directions-

Jenna Ortega: Yeah, no, we figured it was something like that. It’s all good. [pushes Fred Armisen out of the stage] Thank you.

Like I said, this feels like a dream. When I was a kid, I wasn’t old enough to watch SNL yet. So I took a tour of the SNL studio with my parents, like, six years ago, and they said, “Man, wouldn’t it be amazing if you host it someday?” And it seemed impossible, then. But now I’m here tonight. And my parents are in the audience and they get to hear me say – we have a great show for you tonight. 1975 is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Exorcism

Father… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Andrew Dismukes

Claire… Jenna Ortega

Mrs. Shaw…Ego Nwodim

Frank… Kenan Thompson

Chloe: Father, can you save her? Can you save my daughter?

Father: I need Father Murphy? I can’t perform an exorcism alone.

[Claire is possessed]

Claire: You will rot in hell.

Andrew: Honey, hear my voice. I know you’re still in there, Claire.

[door knocking]

Chloe: Did someone just knock on our door?

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, hello. It’s the middle of the night. What is all the ruckus?

Chloe: Oh Father, this is our upstairs neighbor Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, and I should have been asleep 45 minutes ago. But I guess you all decided to throw a party on a Tuesday.

Father: This isn’t a party, Mrs. Shaw.

Andrew: It’s our daughter. She’s been possessed.

Chloe: We’re waiting for Father Murphy.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, don’t no one have to wait for him. I’ll do it.

Chloe: Do what?

Mrs. Shaw: The exorcism, I’m getting my sleep tonight.

[Claire is screaming]

[Mrs. Shaw also screams in the same way]

Mrs. Shaw: See, I can do it too, okay? You don’t scare me sweetie.

Father; You should be careful. You’re in over your head.

Mrs. Shaw: In over my head? You know I have been a crossing guard at Nasaau and Edge Mont for 40 years. That’s six lanes. Every day, I’m the only thing stopping 300 mean fifth graders from getting sent straight to hell by UPS truck. Now where the cross at? Give it here. Give it here.

[Father gives the cross to Mrs. Shaw.]

Okay hello. [Claire screaming] Okay, you need to get out. [Claire screaming] Uh-uh, use your words.

Claire: Suck my butt.

Mrs. Shaw: No ma’am, I don’t do all that. I tossed salad once, and I was like, “Um-um, this ain’t for me.”

Chloe: Maybe we should just wait for the priest, Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I need to get my eight hours. [Claire starts levitating] Oh-oh, where is she going?

Claire: You’re going to hell, you stupid whore.

Mrs. Shaw: Stupid what now? Oh honey, you’re gonna have to do much better than that. Yesterday a third grader called me “A used up skank.” What else you got? Come on.

Claire: You’re an ugly- um.. umm…

Mrs. Shaw: Umm… Umm… what? Look at your stuttering. Now sit down baby before I turn on the ceiling fan. [Claire falls down] That’s what thought.

Andrew: My god, is it working?

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, it is. That is exactly what I thought.

Claire: Let me out.

Father: She’s expelling the demon. Quick. We’ll need a new vessel.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh okay good, I got you. I got you a vessel, all right. [walks to the window and screams upstairs] Frank! Get down here, Frank!

Frank: Woman, what do you want? I’m trying to sleep.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, you kind of asleep, but you’re talking. [Claire starts levitating again] A little girl. your ass better not be levitating back there. [Claire falls down again]

Claire: Sorry, Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Thank you baby.

Frank: Waking my ass up at 9pm in the middle of the night.

Mrs. Shaw: We doing an exorcism, Frank.

Frank: Yeah, well I shoulda been asleep 47 minutes ago.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, we know, baby. Now you gotta be a vessel for this demon.

Frank: Well, I want to do that.

Mrs. Shaw: Frank, if you don’t do it I’m a counselor sex date next week.

Frank: Oh, okay. Found my weak spot. Let me get situated first. All right. Come on now, demon. Do you worst. [Frank gets posses for a second, then continues reading the magazine.]

Claire: Oh my god. Mom, dad, what just happened? Why are the Shaws in our house? Shouldn’t they be asleep?

Chloe: Oh, my God. Mrs. Shaw, we can’t thank you enough.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, it’s all good. Y’all sleep tight now. Come on, Frank. Frank.

[Frank’s head is spinning around]

Frank: Ah! I don’t like this.

Zoë Kravitz Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Zoë Kravitz.

[Zoë Kravitz walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Zoë Kravitz: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so fantastic to be here. I’m your host Zoë Kravitz. I currently have a new movie out called “The Batman”. In the movie I play Cat Woman. Sorry, The Cat Woman. To prepare for the role. I watched the movie Musical Cats every day for a year which I actually heard was the same way Joaquin Phoenix prepared to play the Joker.

[Kate McKinnon walks in wearing the old Cat Woman outfit.]

Kate: So, are you talking about cats?

Zoë Kravitz: I was. I was just doing my monologue. You’re also Catwoman?

Kate: Yes. I’m Cat Woman from the 90s. The one with the whip. You know, like cats have. So you’re part of a proud lineage of Cat Woman, each with their own origin story. Do you want to know mine?

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, yeah. What’s your’s?

Kate: Okay. I fell out of a window onto a pile of cats. They licked me back to life. And now I just like Sandy from a porno version of Greece. It’s still cold, Greece.

Zoë Kravitz: Cool. Well, thank you. It’s great to have some fellow Cat Woman support. I should probably get back to the–

Kate: No, hang on. We have to fire up the cat signal.

Zoë Kravitz: I’m sorry, cat signal.

Kate: Yeah. For anytime you need a Cat Woman. Behold.

[Kate turns on the cat signal like the bat signal of Batman up in the sky]

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, I love that it’s a noble cat ready to pounce off the ledge.

Kate: Or it’s doing its business in the litter box.

[Ego Nwodim walks in wearing another Cat Woman outfit]

Ego: Hello. I saw the signal. Is someone in danger?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, yeah. You’re Cat Woman too?

Ego: Intuitively, I was the first black Cat Woman.

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, right? Yes. Eartha Kitt from the 1960s TV version.

Ego: Yet people called it can’t be turned out, it was just super gay.

Kate: And be glad your outfit isn’t latex because this is how I sneak up on bad guys. Ready?

[When Kate moves, her outfit makes squeaking sound.]

Zoë Kravitz: Wow. You know it actually does feel really nice having all this Cat Woman energy up here but I should really get back to the monologue. So can we turn this cat signal off before–

[Aidy Bryant walks in wearing casual outfit but with a cart full of cats]

Aidy: Before me? Hell no.

Zoë Kravitz: Another Cat woman.

Aidy: Yeah, more of a cat lady I guess. Yes, this is my husband. Sorry cat. And we’re here to meet Rosalia. Do you take me to her? How does that work?

Zoë Kravitz: I don’t think I can do that right now. I have to post the show.

Aidy: Oh yeah, sure I get it. You know, I’ve hosted the show dozens of times, in my mind where it’s called Saturday Night cats.

Zoë Kravitz: Not Caturday Night Live?

Aidy: Dang it. Okay, wow, I was really not expecting to meet so many cat people. And not that I don’t love it but maybe that’s enough.

Ego: Even if the next one is Doja Cat?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh my god, is she here?

Chris: No. But it’s me. It’s I, Katt Williams.

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, come on. You’re not even a woman.

Chris: I am a lover of women. Meow. And if I wanted to meet Rosalia, how would i–

Zoë Kravitz: Seriously, is there an off button somewhere?

Aidy: Oh, but the cat signal brought us all together.

Ego: And right now the world needs as many Cat Women…

Chris: and Williams’s.

Ego: …as it can get.

Kate: Now let’s go fight some crime.

Zoë Kravitz: Okay, it looks like that’s done. So I can finally say what I’ve been trying to say. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rosalia is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Word Crunch

Jean Baby… Andrew Dismukes

Cara… Zoë Kravitz

Sheila… Aidy Bryant

Dave… Aristotle Athari

Chris… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the game show network. Remember how Richard Dawson would kiss entire family? Well, you do now. But first. It’s Word Crunch.

[Cut to the show set]

Jean: Hello and welcome back to Word Crunch. I’m your host, Jean Baby. Say hello to our contestants, Cara, Sheila and Dave.

Cara: Hi, there.

Sheila: Happy to be here.

Dave: Whooo!

Jean: All right. Game is simple. We’ll show you a bunch of letters and those letters, some make words. Find those words, you get points. And those points is money. Wow. Okay, sorry, folks. There’s a writer strike. So our sound engineer wrote all this herself. Thanks, Chris.

Chris: It was my pleasure. Maybe one day you’ll let me host, huh? Love you, Jean.

Jean: Alright, contestants, let’s pull up our first word crunch. Do you see a word? Just shout it out. Your time starts now.

Sheila: Ah. Oh, okay. I see “Happy”.

Jean: You got it. Five points.

Dave: I see “Cat”.

Jean: Great, three points.

Cara: I see “Momhole”.

[Wrong answer buzzer]

Jean: Sorry about that, Cara. No points. But there’s still time. Keep guessing.

Dave: Dog.

Jean: Nice three points for Dave.

Cara: Oh, I’ve got one. Momhole.

Jean: Yeah, no, again, Cara. Maybe Stop guessing momhole. Okay, we cannot accept momhole.

Cara: Why not?

Jean: That’s a few reasons. For one, it’s two words. If you can do ‘mom’ and then after that you could say ‘hole’.

Cara: But I want to connect them.

Jean: Well, you can’t. Please get something else.

Cara: Momhole.

Jean: Okay, yeah. I told you not to say that.

Cara: No, no, no. Not that one. The other one.

Jean: Why are there two?

Cara: I don’t know, Jean. This isn’t my game.

Sheila: I’ve got one. I see Apple.

Jean: That’s great, five points.

Cara: Okay, so wait. Let me get this straight. She says apple which is five points and you think that’s cool. But when I say momhole which is seven I get nothing? This isn’t fair.

Jean: Well Apple is a real thing, so…

Cara: So is momhole. You may not want to think about it but they have them. So..

Sheila: I’ve actually got another one. Pothole.

Jean: Great, that’s seven points.

Cara: Okay, sorry, but if I had said pothole that would have counted?

Jean: Yes.

Cara: Okay great. So, momhole. All right, I don’t understand. I don’t.

Jean: You know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here please.

Cara: Am I allowed to guess?

Jean: Yeah, sure. As long as it’s not momhole.

Cara: No problem. Himhole.

Jean: No.

Cara: Gay4hole?

Jean: Oh, there’s a 4 on the board.

Cara: Jacksonhole.

Jean: What?

Cara: Holefoods.

Jean: Please don’t.

Cara: Myhole. Cornhole.

Jean: Come on!

Cara: And Mmmhole.

Jean: Okay, that is not Mmmhole. It’s just three M’s and then a hole. What is Mmmhole?

Cara: You know. Mmm, like yummy. Like I’m excited for that hole.

Jean: Oh my god. Chris, what is with these word searches?

Chris: Look. It’s hard to think of this many words. I mean, you do Apple, Happy, Dog. And after that, it’s like what’s left besides Momhole?

Jean: Chris, it’s easy. I told you to just write what you know.

Chris: Oh! I thought you said write what you have. I am a mom and…

Jean: Right. Okay, we get it. All right. You guys know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here and no more hole stuff.

Dave: I don’t want to get in trouble but I do see “Porn”.

Jean: Okay, well, except that. Four points.

Cara: Okay, Momporn.

Jean: No.

Cara: What is your problem with mom?

Jean: Do you see anything else?

Sheila: Friend.

Dave: Beach.

Cara: Scissoring.

Sheila: Cloud.

Dave: Water.

Cara: Balls. Lick. Butt. Slit. Blow. Gag. Juice. Titty. Horny. Porny. And time.

Jean: Okay. I don’t care anymore. Fine. Let’s just do our last puzzle.

[All the letters are ‘B’, and in the center, there’s “Dadhole”.]

Sheila:  I see one.

Jean: Yeah, I’m sure you do.

Sheila: Is it okay if I say it?

Jean: Yeah, just say it.

Sheila: Bbb.

Jean: That’s dumb. All right. Well, this has been the pilot of Word Crunch to the network. Please do not pick us up for a whole season. Goodnight.

White House TikTok Meeting Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.

[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.

TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.

TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.

TikToker 3: I’m 14.

TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.

TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.

Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.

Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.

Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.

Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.

Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”

Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.

TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.

Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?

TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.

Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.

TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]

Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–

Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?

TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]

Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?

Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.

Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?

TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.

Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.

Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?

TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.

Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.

Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.

TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.

Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?

TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.

Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?

TikToker 5: It is.

Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.

TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?

TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?

Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.

Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?

TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.

Joe Biden: Why are you here?

TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.

Jen Psaki: That sounds right.

TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?

Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.

Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.

TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.

Joe Biden: Thank you.

Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?

TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?

TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?

TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.

[TikToker 7 walks in]

TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.

Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?

TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.

Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.

TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.

Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.

TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Russias Fake News Law DeSantis Calls Disney a Woke Corporation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of coronavirus at left top corner.]

This week marks two years since the beginning of the first COVID lockdown. And let’s just say some people have handled the stress better than others. [picture changes to Vladimir Putin] Russia has passed a fake news law that makes it illegal for any organization to report information that contradicts what the government says, which explains the recent headline – 6’5″ Putin not insane.

President Biden downplay the possibility of US military intervention saying we will not fight the third world war in Ukraine. And I understand, but it’s hard to stand by and watch Putin bombing things like schools, or maternity ward, and I’m just going to assume puppy daycare centers. The situation is so upsetting that I’ve honestly thought about marching down to the nearest army enlistment office and signing Che up.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a list of gas price at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the US ban on Russian oil gas prices hit a record high of $4.30 a gallon which is so expensive that America, we might have to move back in with our ex. [Picture changes to map of Iraq.] Come on, Iraq, you know we never stopped loving you baby.

Russia has responded to sanctions by banning the export of Russian made cars, but a Russian made car was just a drunk bear on rollerskates.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin and Starbucks logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Starbucks has responded to the invasion of Ukraine by shutting down its locations in Russia in hopes of sending a message to President [picture changes to a Starbucks cup with wrong name written on it] Vanderpump Rintin.

[Picture changes to McDonald’s outlet]

After McDonald’s announced they would stop doing business in their country, Russians have begun hoarding their sandwiches, including some honorary Russians. [Picture changes to Donald Trump in a room full of sandwiches]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a news article that says “Bill to make lynching federal hate crime” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Congress passed a bill that makes lynching a federal hate crime punishable by up to 30 years in prison. And they’re not messing around. You can get 150 days for just making one up. [Picture changes to an article saying “Jussie Smollett sentenced to 150 days in jail.]

[Picture changes to Disney logo]

Disney employees were upset that the company took so long to condemn Florida’s proposed ‘Don’t say gay’ bill, although at Disney, they actually don’t say gay. They say Timon and Pumbaa.

[Picture changes to Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen here waving COVID into the club, he attacked Disney for hosing the state’s ‘Don’t say gay’ bill calling the company a woke Corporation. Disney denied the claims of wokeness with roughly 90 years of cartoons.

Weekend Update Queen Moves Out of Buckingham Palace Box of Heads Stolen

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of “The Gilded Age” show logo at right top corner]

Michael Che: The new HBO show “Gilded Age” is being praised for highlighting wealthy black families that lived in New York in the late 1800s, until they were driven out by wealthy industrialist Colin Jost I (Colin Jost the first). [Picture changes to an edited photo of Colin Jost from 1800s].

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Buckingham Palace at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Queen Elizabeth II has permanently moved out of Buckingham Palace and this is weird, in with John Mayer. [Picture changes to edited picture of John Mayer and Queen Elizabeth II.]

[Picture changes to an article that says “Box of heds stolen from truck” at left top corner.]

Thief in Colorado broke into a truck and stole a box of human heads. Even more disturbing, it was an Arby’s truck.

Male voice: [commercial] Arby’s, we have the human heads.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Produces for this year’s Oscars announced that presenters will include John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o, or as Travolta calls her, the wickedly talented Lucrecia Bonobos.

[Picture changes to a laptop]

New report shows that during the pandemic meth users met online to use the drug together, mostly on the popular meth user app, Tooth Grindr. You get it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rivers, mountains and trees at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The US government announced that it would rename more than 600 rivers, mountains and other landmarks that use a racial slur for Native American women. Wow. So we changed those names but they can still just call a restaurant Cracker Barrel?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 8th March, Michael Che0Michael CheMichael Che at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tuesday was International Women’s Day . So hopefully you remember to smile.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Scientists could bring back extinct rat” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Scientists are saying that by using new gene editing technology, they could bring back the extinct Christmas Island rat… or not! The other option is not.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A video has gone viral of a man urinating on a New York City subway while other passengers appeared not to care, but they were probably too nervous to say something because I’m on TV.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cartoon that says “I need a new butt!” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An Assistant Principal in elementary school in Mississippi was fired after he read the class a children’s book “I need a new butt!”. The book is about a lovable rabbit who just ate at Chipotle.

Weekend Update Dan Bulldozer on the Impact of Social Media

Michael Che

Dan Bulldozer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Recent study showed that social media is making young people unhappy and insecure about their own lives. Here to comment is lifestyle influencer Dan Bulldozer.

[Dan Bulldozer slides in]

Dan Bulldozer: Great, man, what’s going on? Y’all gotta legit set up.

Michael Che: Thanks. Yeah. So, Dan, you’re super rich and you just show off your crazy life on Instagram, right?

Dan Bulldozer: Something like that. Yeah. So I basically wanted life, straight up. Just like parties on the yacht, vapes everywhere, snowboarding with like, a bazooka. My life is insane.

Michael Che: Yeah, that’s cool, man.

Dan Bulldozer: Che, asked me how many girls I’m dating right now.

Michael Che: How many girls are you dating?

Dan Bulldozer: 940?

Michael Che: Okay, cool, man.

Dan Bulldozer: It is cool. I agree. So yeah, I’m dating the 900 girls. I got the new book, which like, why is writing so easy? You just have to type it out.

Michael Che: You’re writing a book?

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, man. It’s kind of like Hemmingway, but for guys. That’s me writing about my struggles with shirts.

Michael Che: So it’s like a memoir.

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, it’s the moving story of me stacking cash, blowing clouds and changing the world through positivity. It’s called Ass Book.

Michael Che: Wow, that’s good for you. And I gotta ask, despite all the success, how do you stay so down to earth?

Dan Bulldozer: Let me put it this way. Do you know the ancient story of the farmer and the crow?

Michael Che: No, I don’t think I do.

Dan Bulldozer: Ah! So it’s like, farmer has three dogs. He’s a very wise farmer. First dog goes to the farmer and says “I saw a crow.” Farmer says “Maybe.” Second dog goes the farmer says, “Dad. I saw a crow.” Daddy says, “Maybe.” Then the crow goes to like an old maid or just like a cobbler. And then the first girl– I’m trying to remember.

Michael Che: Hey, are you alright, Dan?

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, yeah, just the point of the story is like, everything is just insane!

Michael Che: Okay, that’s it?

Dan Bulldozer: I think so.

Michael Che: Hey, man. Are you happy?

Dan Bulldozer: No, no.

Michael Che: Dan Bulldozer, everybody.

Dan Bulldozer: My life is crazy.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Princess and The Frog

Cecily Strong

Princess… Zoë Kravitz

Frog… Chris Redd

Dr. Facilier… Kenan Thompson

Firefly… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with the channel intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Disney minus, the movies Disney doesn’t really promote as much. We now return to The Princess and the Frog.

[Cut to the show]

Cecily: [singing] Tale as old as 09′
takes place in a bar
Princess finally black
Why the plot so wack
Princess and the Frog

[Cut to the princess. There’s a frog on her table.]

Princess: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’ve fallen in love with a frog.

Frog: I know it’s crazy, right? I’m like this frog and you’re like this princess. But I guess it’s true what they say. Love is Love is love. I hope I’m not being too forward, Tiana, but will you kiss me?

Princess: Of course I will. Because love conquers all.

Frog: Exactly. You love me for me. You don’t care. And I’m a frog and frogs don’t have penises.

Princess: What was that?

Frog: It’s just a scientific fact. Frogs don’t have penises, but she don’t care. And that’s why I love you.

Princess: Yeah, for sure. And is that something that everybody just knows?

Frog: I think it’s out there. Yeah. It’s one of the first thing that comes out when you google frog penis. You know what? Let’s just kiss and get married. If we could tackle the whole no penis thing, lady.

Princess: Sorry. If you don’t have a penis, what do you have?

Frog: Oh, it’s every woman’s dream. I got balls that just shoot stuff directly on you. No pesky pain is getting in the way.

Princess: Oh, wow.

Frog: Yeah, it’s like they always say. Who needs a straw when I can just throw the milkshake right in your face? Now how about that kiss?

Princess: Yeah, I don’t know. I might have to rethink this a bit.

Frog: Oh, come on. Size doesn’t matter.

Princess: I think it does when it’s zero. How do you even have sex?

Frog: Oh, I’ll explain in great details. You see I climb on your back like this, and I wrap my arms around your body. And then I stay there for two days and I croak loudly in your ear until you lay your eggs. How many eggs do you lay typically?

Princess: I don’t lay eggs.

Frog: Oh, that could be a deal breaker.

Princess: You know, this never came up when we dissected frogs in high school. So…

Frog: You what?

[Dr. Facilier walks in]

Dr. Facilier: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the prince that I cursed.

Frog: Oh, my God. It’s Captain Hook.

Dr. Facilier: What? No. I am Dr. Facilier, the Voodoo witch doctor from this movie.

Princess: So if I kiss this frog, he’ll transform back into a prince?

Dr. Facilier: Only if it’s true love.

Princess: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And what would happen with his penis?

Dr. Facilier: What do you mean?

Princess: Well, apparently frogs don’t have them.

Dr. Facilier: The hell? How do they–

Princess: They just shoot out the nuts?

Frog: On the plus side, I can do oral from like five feet away.

Dr. Facilier: Well, I guess if he changed back to being a human, he would get his penis back.

Princess: Then let’s do it. Let’s kiss and join our souls forever.

Frog: And what if I didn’t have a penis before?

Princess: What?

Frog: Like as a human before the curse. What if hypothetically, it got ripped clean off in a bowling alley? When she kisses me, would it grow back?

Dr. Facilier: A bowling alley?

Frog: I tried to hump the ball return machine as a joke. And the gears sort of tore it clean off.

Princess: Stop saying clean off.

Frog: If you saw it, you’d agree.

Dr. Facilier: Look, you let a weird frog dude. I don’t know what the hell is going on with you, but at least you a prince.

Frog: That’s right. The Prince of Newark, New Jersey.

Princess: Okay, I’m out.

Dr. Facilier: Yeah, even for voodoo, this is messed up.

[A firefly flies in laughing]

Firefly: I reckon it’s about time I introduce myself. My name Ramo. But everybody around here call me Ray. I was the Cajun Firefly in the movie Princess Frog. I might be just about the worst Disney character ever created. Disney asked kids leaving the movie, “What do you think about Old Ray?” Every kid said, “Kill him. We don’t want to see oh Ray no place no way never again.” One time, they invited Old Ray to one of the character breakfasts over at the Disney World. They gave kids metal bats and said, “Go get him. Go kill Old Ray till he dead.” But don’t worry, then today Old Ray gonna be just fine–

[Firefly gets eaten by the frog]

Frog: Oh, damn!