Tag: episode 16

Weekend Update- Michelangelo’s David Defends Art

Michael Che

Michelangelo’s David… Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week, a Florida principal was forced to resign out the parents were outraged when a photo of Michelangelo’s David, a new statue, was shown during a lesson on Renaissance art. Here to comment, Michelangelo’s David.

Michelangelo’s David: Michael, hey, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Wow. Michael Angelo’s David.

Michelangelo’s David: Hey.

Michael Che: Hey, man, I’m sorry, but I’m over here. Can you not turn your head?

Michelangelo’s David: Oh, I’ve actually never tried. Let’s find out. [Yells out loud while turning his head to Michael Che.] Well, that hurt like hell.

Michael Che: Yeah. So Da- David, how are you dealing with this Florida controversy? I mean, those parents were pretty upset.

Michelangelo’s David: Those parents are ignorant prudes. What are they even talking about and the world’s greatest sculpture, and I’m a very pretty boy.

Michael Che: Well, it sounds like the parents didn’t want their kids to see your privates.

Michelangelo’s David: Hey, I’m proud of my tiny shiny penis and my big stone pubes. I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m beautiful. And I think your audience deserves to see that. Who wants to see that? Huh?

Michael Che: No, no. David! No, we can’t do that. What is wrong with you people?

Michelangelo’s David: Why? I want to do it.

Michael Che: Well, you can’t show that. One parent said it was pornographic.

Michelangelo’s David: It’s art. It’s not pornography. [looks down] Okay, well right now it’s pornography. I’ll tell you when it’s hard again.

Michael Che: That’s fine. If people want to see it, they can go to a museum in Italy or look at it online.

Michelangelo’s David: Oh, you’re one of those guys. We can see it online. I can see whatever I need to online. That’s sad. Look, I am from the Bible, okay? I kill Goliath with a tiny rock and my faith in God Dong out. You ever been in a fight with your dog out?

Michael Che: No.

Michelangelo’s David: Answer me. Have you ever been in a fight with your dog out?

Michael Che: I did answer. I said no.

Michelangelo’s David: I’m serious Che. Fight with your dog out? Yes or No?

Michael Che: No.

Michelangelo’s David: Well, you should try it. It really distracts the other guy. Quite a bit. You know what I mean?

Michael Che: no.

Michelangelo’s David: You know what? I’m just gonna show it. I’m just gonna show it.

Michael Che: No, please don’t, man.

Michelangelo’s David: Come on. What are you scared of? All the best art is nude. Me, nude. Venus de Milo, nude. Statue of Liberty shows feet.

Michael Che: What are you talking about?

Michelangelo’s David: I’m saying you the most beautiful piece of art in the world sitting next to you and you don’t even want to look at it.

Michael Che: I see it. I can see it now.

Michelangelo’s David: And?

Michael Che: I mean, I’m no expert, but it’s kind of small.

Michelangelo’s David: While most people see it from below, and you want to come under, see it from below?

Michael Che: No. I do not.

Michelangelo’s David: Well, while you’re looking at it, do you notice that like the hair up here is the same down here? But that’s not like, right. Right? It’s too thick. It’s like rocks. Look.

Michael Che: Dude, no. Don’t show that please. No, don’t show that please.

Michelangelo’s David: It’s just rocks. God, Americans are uptight. Did you want the Italian version of SNL, you can show full penetration?

Michael Che: What?

Michelangelo’s David: Our Matt Foley lived in a man down by the river.

Michael Che: You know what? If you want to show it so bad, then show it. We’re all watching.

Michelangelo’s David: Well, now I’m shy.

Michael Che: Get out of here, man. Michelangelo’s David, everybody.

Michelangelo’s David: Can I show my big bare ass?

Michael Che: No. Get out of here.

Weekend Update- Marcello Hernández on Being a Short King

Colin Jost

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: It’s April and that can only mean one thing, the celebration of short men that the internet has dubbed short king spring. Here in common is our very own short King, Marcelo Hernandez.

Marcello Hernandez: Hey, Colin. It’s great to be here.

Colin Jost: Hey, Marcello. Thanks for being here. So can you walk us through what it means to be a short King?

Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, well, it’s basically something women say as if it’s a compliment, but it’s kind of the condescending. Short King? It’s an insult followed by a compliment. You wouldn’t call someone a snaggletooth genius.

Colin Jost: Well, if it helps, I never thought of you as a short man, and you’re welcome for that.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay, call it and Seto. I know I’m short. And you know how I know? Because when I lie about my height, I say I’m 5’9″, which means I’m really 5’7.5″, and I’m lying about the half. What height do you say Colin?

Colin Jost: Well, I’m 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: Oh, so you’re 5’9″ nine?

Colin Jost: No, I’m 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: No, if you were 6 feet, you would say 6’2″.

Colin Jost: No, I’m exactly 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Then let’s stand back to back.

Colin Jost: I don’t want to do that.

Marcello Hernandez: Interesting. Colin, Short Kings like us should be proud of our heritage. You know, we come from a long line of grapes. Kevin Hart, Bruno Mars Prince, Dominions, Al Pacino. I’m sorry, I’m just thinking out loud here. Mark Wahlberg, Jack Black, Yoda, Tom Holland. Lil Wayne, it’s right there in the name. Martin Short, again, it’s right there in the name. Leonel Messi, Pablo Picasso, John Leguizamo, Danny DeVito. Beethoven the composer was five six, and the dog was even shorter.

Colin Jost: That’s great to know. Yeah, thank you. I think we get it. Yeah.

Marcello Hernandez: Now let’s think of some tall guys. Osama Bin Laden is6’4″. Slender Man 6’Colin Jost0″. Armie Hammer, 7’3″.

Colin Jost: Armie Hammer is not 7’3″.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay, sorry. I forgot you two were friends.

Colin Jost: We’re friendly.

Marcello Hernandez: No. You know, the worst thing about tall men is when they say hello to us petite princes. They go too low and they use a baby voice. They go like, “Hey bud, everything gopd down there?” And then when they’re done talking to you, they never say this but it always feels like they say it, and they don’t say it, but it does feel like they say it. When they’re done talking, they go “Alright, I gotta go back up.” Colin, what I’m trying to say is us tiny Titans, we got to-

Colin Jost: Stop saying us.

Marcello Hernandez: Then stand back to back with me.

Colin Jost: No.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Well look, short kings, we were born kings. We’ve become kings. We’ve done the work. We learned how to dance, not because we wanted to but because we had to. Tall guys like Michael Che, they don’t gotta learn how to dance. They just stand in the back of the party like… Meanwhile, you and me are down there on the desk working, Colin. And not because we want to but because we had to.

Colin Jost: Again, I’m 6 feet tall.

Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, you’re a tower. Anywho, for all my short kings watching at home, stay strong, live large and be proud of the tiny little person that you are. So let’s show him, Colin. Stand up and go back to back with me.

Colin Jost: For the last time, I can’t do that.

Marcello Hernandez: Why not?

Colin Jost: Because Marcelo, I’m already standing.

Marcello Hernandez: I knew it. I knew it.

Colin Jost: My fellow short King, Marcello Hernandez.

Marcello Hernandez: We’re 5’8″. We’re 5’8″.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Donald Trump Indicted

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Well, great news for conservatives, New York is finally cracking down on crime. Former President Donald Trump was indicted for his role in paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels. And the trial will be like a Stormy Daniels movie, because I’m deeply ashamed that how excited I am to watch it. Trump will reportedly surrender next week but his lawyer Joe Tacopina, who Trump definitely calls Joe Tapioca, said that the President will not be put in handcuffs. Though he would consider wearing fake breakaway handcuffs and a Superman t shirt.

When Trump surrenders New York City Police will take his official mug shot, which you know, is the only thing Trump cares about getting right. I’m sure he’s hoping it’ll look cool, like Frank Sinatra’s, but I bet it’ll end up closer to Nick Nulty.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump]

Michael Che: Trump is reportedly being charged with 34 counts of business fraud. Business fraud is also what they call the Trump costume that spirit Halloween.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

President Biden on Friday told reporters that he had no comment on Trump’s indictment, and then he danced away like the Six Flags guy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump]

Colin Jost: I think in general that people might be overreacting to this indictment. Like, an actual headline on CNN yesterday was “Nothing in American history approaches the tumult of the charging impossible trial conviction of a former president.” A more accurate headline would be “Man we all knew was criminal, may be criminal.” At this point, it feels like even pro Trump people have moved on. I mean, I went down to the courthouse today and I was the only protester there.

Michael Che: I told them not to laugh at you.

Colin Jost: I was sure. Am i not miced? And then I was just like, “Oh, I just suck.”

Michael Che: Alright, moving right along.

Colin Jost: God!

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene-

Colin Jost: You’re evil.

Michael Che: Plans to come to New York on Tuesday to protest Trump’s indictment because apparently it takes her three days to put on her Joker makeup. They’ll probably laugh at this next one.

Colin Jost: That’s the meanest thing you’ve ever done. I’m covered in sweat. [cheers and applause] No, no. Don’t even dare. Don’t you even are try now.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis.]

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis who thinks he’s Gaston, but girl, you LeFou. Ran DeSantis- [laughing] I’m shaking. Ron DeSantis said Florida officials would not help extradite Trump back to New York unless of course he agrees to take a busload of migrants with him.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: In the wake of the Nashville shooting, President Biden once again called on Congress to pass an assault weapons ban. Or hear me out, stop and frisk for whites. How long before these kids aren’t a stereotype?

Colin Jost: Boo.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andy Ogles family holding guns.]

Congressman Andy Ogles who represents the district where the National Shooting to place is being criticized for a Christmas card where he and his family are holding assault rifles. Okay, even putting aside mass shootings, who are you psycho sending these cards to? If I received that in the mail, I would move. All this card tells you is “I’m armed. I have terrible judgment, and I know where you live.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Jamaal Bowman and Thomas Massie.]

Michael Che: Democratic Representative Jamaal Bowman and Republican Thomas Massie got into a screaming match on Capitol Hill after Bowman called the GOP gutless coward for opposing gun control. Which is a cheap shot because if there’s one thing Republicans definitely have, it’s big old guts.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: Trump has also been promoting a song called ‘Justice For All’ which features himself and acquire men jailed for their roles in the January 6th attack. And I feel bad for the January 6 singers because jail gets a lot worse once the other prisoners find out you’re in an acapella group.

Weekend Update- Cup Noodles’ Breakfast Flavor, 89-Year-Old Named Oldest Surfer

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Stars with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Apple logo.]

Colin Jost: Apple has launched a new feature called Pay Later that lets users spread out payments for apps over the course of six weeks. And this is also launched my new favorite insult, “Yo mama so poor she put candy crush on layaway.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Drinking water safe after chemical spill.”]

Michael Che: After a recent chemical spill in the Delaware River, Philadelphia officials say the city’s drinking water is finally safe. Unless it’s been handed to you by this Philadelphian. [Picture changes to Bill Cosby.]

You don’t like safety precautions?

Cup Noodles has introduced a new breakfast version of the instant ramen that mixes the flavors of sausage, maple syrup, pancakes and eggs. The flavor will be called ‘mom left’. I like this crowd a lot, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “89 year old man named world’s oldest surfer.”

Colin Jost: Yeah, me too. Agreed. Agreed. An 89 year old Japanese man has been recognized as the oldest male surfer ever. He truly embodies the surfing lifestyle because every part of his body hangs loose.

[Picture changes to New York city]

New York City is expected to end the winter with the lowest snowfall on record. You lying son of a bitch.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Staten Island sewer rescue.”]

Michael Che: New York City Fire Department rescued five children who got themselves lost in the Staten Island sewer system. Well, it’s hard to believe that a place that filthy and disgusting also has a sewer system.

Built the bear has introduced a new RuPaul doll. And honestly, after a few beers, I would.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a comfort station.]

Colin Jost: New York city officials announced that they will stop calling the city’s Park bathrooms “Comfort stations,” and will instead call them the more accurate – stank shacks.

Doctors in Nepal saved a man after he inserted a water glass into his rectum for sexual gratification and it got stuck. But I think the man actually felt positive about the experience because he said the glass was half full.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “First dispensary owned by woman opens.”]

Michael Che: The first legal marijuana dispensary owned by a woman has opened in Queens, New York. [cheers and applause] Unfortunately, they had to shut down because she couldn’t open the weed jars on her own.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Sperm donor sued for increasing risk of accidental incest.”]

Colin Jost: A sperm donor in the Netherlands who allegedly fathered more than 500 children is being sued for increasing the risk of accidental incest among the kids. Accidental incest is also the title of the worst American Pie sequel.

Trump Indictment Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Afroman… Devon Walker

Don Jr. … Mikey Day

Male voice: And now a message from former President Trump.

Donald Trump. Hello. Thank you. It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me. Well, folks, it happened. I got indicted or as I spell it indicated. And frankly, it’s time that I come clean, admit that I broke the law and go quietly to prison. April Fool’s. That was a prank. I was doing a gym from office. But make no mistake, what the radical left Democrats are doing to me is worse than any crime I’ve ever committed. And I’ve committed a lot. Close to 34. Some are saying I’m going to use this indictment to rile up my base so that they give me more money. Not true. Not true. I don’t want anything from my base except their love, their votes, perhaps their money. And I need their money more than ever. Now, you may have seen I’ve been opening my rallies with my wonderful song “Justice for all,” which I performed with the J6 choir. That’s a very real thing. Very disturbing. Very disturbing. It was the number one downloaded song. We beat flowers by Miley, which as we all know, is about Liam. My song ranking so much cash, I thought why stop there? That’s why I’m putting out my new album “Now that’s what I call my legal defense fund,” aka Trump bopz. And I’m bringing all the hits.

[music playing]

[Donald Trump singing] Boys and things will come by the dozen 
that ain’t nothing but drug store loving
Hey, little thing, let me light your candle

‘Cause mama [singing gibberish] 

Wow, what a deal. Just 30 classic covers, all horrible. Song by your favorite president to defend our movement and mostly myself from the EVO Manhattan DA. That means District Attorney. But I’m a fighter. And speaking of fighting and taking advantage of fighters, here’s my friend Don King.

Don King: Hey. Hey everybody. What they are doing to this man is a tra-da-gedy (tragedy).

Donald Trump: So funny. With the big hair. Murdered a guy, can you believe it?

Don King and Donald Trump: [singing] Islands in the Stream
that ain’t what we are
no one in between
how can we be wrong?

Donald Trump: We’re not wrong. I’ve never been wrong.

Don King and Donald Trump: [singing] Making love to each other, uh-huh

Donald Trump: Don King, everybody. [Don King walks out] Speaking of love, me and the First Lady Melania are in high spirits. Since the news of my possible imprisonment, I’ve never seen Melania happier. She’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Second only perhaps to many younger, hotter women. But we like her. Also just to set the record straight, I didn’t even sleep with stormy Daniels, but in many ways I did. And isn’t it ironic that the first time I actually pay someone, they tried to send me to jail. That’s why you don’t pay people, folks. You never pay people. Pretty ironic.

[singing] If it rains on your wedding day,
oh what a thought, it figures

And folks, if they can come for me, they can come for you too. Or in the case of January 6, they can come for you and not for me. I liked that one a little bit better. Because I really don’t want to go to jail. But when I think about how shredded I might get, it’s awfully tempting. Can you imagine me pumping iron in the jail yard with the homies? Getting real big on top, little on bottom? Totally prison yoked, looking like a candy apple. Perhaps I might even become receptive to the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad. Although, I’ve never seen any pictures of him, kind of suss. Oh-oh, who’s this? Why? It’s a man who liked me was illegally rated and he’s turning it into big bucks, Afro man.

Afroman: I was going to go to class
but then I got high

Donald Trump: Drugs are killing our children
I could have cheated and I could have passed,
but then I got frankly high, real shame.

Afroman: I’m taking in next semester
and I know why?

Donald Trump: Why man?

Afroman and Donald Trump: Hey, because I got high
because I got high
because I got high

Donald Trump: We need to be executing our drug dealers. Thank you, Afroman. [Afroman walks out] Folks, your hard earned money is important. If I go to jail, I will need money for commissary snacks. I will need a supply of Robins to successfully barter with a large man named Lizard. And now my most loyal supporter, I wish he goes away. He’s my Kindle Roy. It’s Don Jr.

Don Jr.: Wow dad, this is really emotional. It might be the last time I see you.

Donald Trump: From your mouth to God’s ears.

Don Jr.: The boy’s a liar
the boy’s a liar
he doesn’t see ya
you’re not looking at me boy

Yeah, Dad!

Donald Trump: Very strange energy, my son. Don’t like it. He’s saying that I’m good enough, grabbing my drr. Thinking about things I should have done. Right? We love Ice Spice, don’t we? Ice Spice. Terrific hair. Beautiful hair. Manhattan, I’ll see you on Tuesday. We’ll be wild. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Traffic Altercation

Mikey: What is that lady doing? She almost was plowed into us. [honks the horn] Lunatic!

Chloe: Oh my God, dad, don’t be so awkward.

Mikey: Well, she almost caused accident just sit there and bumper to bumper traffic. Hey, hello. Hey! Hey!

Quinta: What?

Mikey: You cut me off. You drive crazy.

Quinta: You know what? Eat me. Eat me. I had my blinker on.

Mikey: That’s a lie. You lie. Shame on you.

Quinta: Eat my butt. All of this.

Mikey: You are a sad woman. You sad woman.

Quinta: Okay. Well, why don’t you roll down your window and say that to my face.

Mikey: Why did you mime a crank? No cars have those windows. Power windows now. Do this. Boo. Bad choice.

Quinta: No. This? It’s too small. It wouldn’t read.

Mikey: I guess.

Quinta: You are scared because you aren’t a man. You’re not a big man.

Mikey: Shut up. Shut up. I am a man. I am very strong man.

Quinta: No. You are a little bitch. You are a little bitch.

Mikey: [to Chloe] She’s using you for the word bitch?

Chloe: What? That is so messed up. You suck. You suck.

Mikey: Hey. Hey, don’t do that. First of all, I don’t love that you use two hands. Second of all, just don’t do it. You know what? You know what? Bye. Bye. You not worth my time.

Qinta: Bye, you are a giant puss. You’re that. You’re giant puss.

Mikey: What would your mother say if she saw you do that.

Quinta: My mom told me to do it.

Quinta’s mom: You like devil.

Mikey: Shame on you. That was racist.

Quinta: Now, don’t hate all white people. Just you.

Mikey: Bravo. Bravo. You bad person. I feel bad for your husband.

Quinta: No husband. He went bye-bye. We split up.

Mikey: Oh. Me too. Wife left. But it’s good. She was a bitch.

Chloe: Dad!

Quinta: Respect. Respect. Hey, this might be crazy. But are you hungry?

Mikey: Yeah, I could eat.

Quinta: Do you maybe one To eat these butt? Huh? Ha-ha-ha. Eat the butt.

Mikey: Shame on you.

Chloe: You suck.

Mikey: Stop doing that. Stop it.

Quinta Brunson Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Quinta Brunson.

[Quinta Brunson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Quinta Brunson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so very much. My name is Quinta Brunson. And let me just first say, I am so excited to be here. I have been dreaming about this since I was a kid. I actually, I wanted to be honest to know back in the day, but the audition process seemed long. So instead, I just created my own TV show, made sure it became really popular, won a bunch of Emmys and then got to host. [cheers and applause] So much easier. So much easier.

I have a show called Abbott Elementary. [cheers and applause] And it’s kind of unique. It’s a streaming show. It’s not a streaming show. Sorry. I know you guys get confused about that. It’s a network sitcom. Like say ‘Friends’, except instead of being about a group of friends, it’s about a group of teachers and instead of New York, it’s in Philadelphia. And instead of not having black people, it does.

I grew up in Philly and my mom was a teacher there. So creating a show about teachers has been really special. The only downside is now every time there’s an issue with the public school system, people expect me to solve it. And that’s not fair. Last week when that big collapse, no one wanted to go up to the cast of succession like, “How do we fix this, cousin Greg?” Don’t get me wrong. I love that people are enjoying Abbott, but I wish they didn’t expect me to be exactly like my character all the time in public. Janine Teague is a caring second grade teacher who’s good and wholesome. But I’m the opposite. I mean, I’m not a filthy whore. But I like to have fun. I need to be able to live my life without someone recording me going “Damn, Miss Teague is out here getting wasted at Universal Studios.” I prefer my butter beer with Hennessy.

Look, I just want people to lower their expectations of me. I’m still young, still figuring things out. I’ve had to start lying to my mom about who I’m hanging out with. I’ll be like, “You know, I’m just going to chill on my friend’s garden.” I just don’t mention that it’s Oprah’s garden. Or the time I told her I was going out to dinner but I didn’t tell her with who because it was this guy.

[Cut to a video of Quinta Brunson with Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Hi. I’m with your daughter here and we’re so proud of her. But really proud of you. Not only because you’re obviously a great mom, but because you are a teacher. Most important job there is.

[Cut back to Quinta Brunson]

[cheers and applause]

Quinta Brunson: As my friend Barak said- [laughter] I call him Barack now. My mom really was an amazing teacher, and I’m so proud of her. But I also know firsthand that teachers get taken for granted. Like, I’ve always had a dishwasher. Never thought about it, loaded it up, kick the shut, went to bed wasted. But then my husband and I moved into an apartment that didn’t have a dishwasher. And after one day, I was like, “We gotta get the hell out of here.” Me not having a dishwasher is how parents feel when they don’t have teachers during the pandemic. Suddenly, parents were like, “Wait, we have to teach these dishes now? We have to be these dishes now. Why did I have so many dishes? That last dish was a mistake.” But seriously, teachers are people, not appliances. So please remember how important teachers are. Acknowledge the work they do every day. And for the love of God pay them the money they deserve.

We got a great show for you tonight. Lil’ Yatchy is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Midwife

Mrs. Murphy… Heidi Gardner

Barry… Bowen Yang

Dr. Rogers… Quinta Brunson

Mrs. Alison… Chloe Fineman

Dr. Rogers: Okay, Mrs. Murphy your contractions are 30 seconds apart. This baby is coming.

Mrs. Murphy: But I’m not due for another two weeks.

Dr. Rogers: Don’t worry, Mrs. Murphy. I know it’s scary but listen to me and breathe.

Mrs. Murphy: What about my midwife?

Ego: He’s on his way. Okay.

Mrs. Murphy: Thank god, we had planned for an at home birth. I need him here.

Dr. Rogers: Deep breath, Mrs. Murphy.

Barry: Excuse me, excuse me, clear a path, clear a path. I’m the midwife.

Mrs. Murphy: Barry, Thank God. Dr. Rogers. This is my midwife, Barry.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, okay. Nice to meet you, Barry.

Barry: Actually, we’ve met.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, I’m sorry. Of course then it’s nice to see you. Okay, so she’s already dilated 10 centimetercm. We need to move fast.

Barry: Do you remember meeting me? It’s not a test. I’m just curious. I’m genuinely curious.

Dr. Rogers: Okay, she’s crowning.

Mrs. Murphy: I feel like I’m gonna faint.

Barry: Here honey, sip this sweet ginger kombucha. We met at Danielle’s barbecue.

Ego: Can you just please ask her about this later?

Barry: No, for sure. For sure. But it was the barbecue before the Macklemore concert.

Dr. Rogers: Macklemore? So what we met like in 2012 one time? Okay, Barry. I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with this right now.

Barry: Oh, really? Then how come while you were being defensive I was delivering this baby?

[Three years later]

Dr. Rogers: Push, Mrs. Alison. Push.

Mrs. Alison: Ah! Is my midwife here yet?

Barry: Clear path, clear path? That’s Barry, the midwife.

Mrs. Alison: That’s him. Thank god.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, Barry. It’s nice to see you again.

Barry: Again? Oh, have we met?

Dr. Rogers: Are you serious?

Barry: Yeah. I’ve never seen it before in my life.

Dr. Rogers: I promise you have we met at this hospital in this exact room.

Barry: Okay, what is the purpose of this? To embarrass me? We’ve never met. Girl, respect yourself.

Mrs. Alison: What’s going on?

Ego: Don’t worry. I’ll explain. So Barry is pretending to not remember Dr. Rogers because three years ago she didn’t remember meeting him at a barbecue.

Dr. Rogers: Yes. Before Macklemore concert.

Barry: Macklemore? So we met like in 2012 one time? Throwback. You really remember me? I’m curious as to why. Anyway, while you were being Dr. Gaslight, I was delivering this baby.

[14 years earlier]

Dr. Rogers: Thanks for having us at your barbecue, Danielle, the grill master Acker.

Danielle: No problem. I wish you could come to the Macklemore concert later.

Dr. Rogers: I can’t. I have work. That’s why I’m dressed like this.

Barry: Clear path, clear path for Barry the hungry midwife.

Dr. Rogers: Hi,, I’m Jill. Nice to meet you.

Barry: It’s nice to meet you, too. Wow. I love your hair. I’ve always wanted to do long.

Dr. Rogers: Really? I don’t think that’s a good idea. I wouldn’t recognize you if I saw you again in the future.

Barry: Ha-ha, is that a threat?

[17 years after the barbecue and Macklemore concert]

Dr. Rogers: Mrs. Murphy, long Time no see. I can’t believe this is baby number two.

Mrs. Murphy: I know life happens so fast. Oh, and this is my midwife. You guys remember each other, right?

Barry: Actually, we do. I’m so sorry, Dr. Rogers. I owe you an apology. I pretended not to remember you because you didn’t remember me. And it made me so furious.

Dr. Rogers: I’m sorry, Barry. I felt so bad that I didn’t remember you. It made me feel embarrassed.

Barry: Are you serious? I was pretty emotional jerk.

Jeff: Oh my god. Did we miss it? Barry, Dr. Rogers, this is my husband and my first daughter Kayla. You delivered her.

Dr. Rogers: Hi, Kayla.

Barry: Nice to meet you.

Kayla: Actually, we’ve met.

Barry and Dr. Rogers: Well then, it’s nice to see you, okay?

Drug Dealer

Andrew Dismukes

Devon Walker

Marcello Hernandez

Quinta Brunson

Kenan Thompson

Michael Longfellow

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with people talking inside a club’s bathroom]

Andrew: Dude, I thought this club was a little sketchy at first, but the girls here are insane.

Devon: I know. I already got like three phone numbers.

Andrew: And the only thing that would make this night a little more perfect is if we could score a little something.

Devon: You mean like, Coke?

Andrew: Yeah, man.

Devon: I don’t know.

Andrew: Why not? We’re on vacation? Right?

Devon: All right. All right. All right, but only if we can find something that’s like pure, you know I’m saying? There’s a lot of garbage going around right now.

[Marcello walks to them]

Marcello: Hey. You guys looking for some cocaine?

Andrew: What?

Marcello: I said you want to get high? Because I’m gonna make that happen.

Andrew: Wait, seriously?

Devon: I mean, is it pure?

Marcello: [mocking Devon] Is it pure? Don’t insult me, man. My product is so pure white, it’s like a bunny rabbit making snow angels on the cloud.

Andrew: Ooh, sounds good to me.

[Quinta also walks to them]

Quinta: Hey, you guys looking for cocaine?

Andrew: Oh, I think we found some already.

Marcello: Yeah, they already found some. Get lost.

Quinta: Well, my stuff is so right, it’s like Gwyneth Paltrow skiing in Utah.

Devon: Okay. Damn, I’m sold. Alright, how much for that?

Marcello: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. My cocaine is so pure white, it’s like the guy that suing Gwyneth Paltrow because he can’t enjoy wine tastings anymore.

[Kenan also walks to them]

Kenan: Ya’ll looking for some cocaine?

Quinta: No.

Marcello: They already decided, man.

Andrew: No, no, we haven’t. We’re just trying to make sure it’s pure.

Kenan: Oh, let me tell you this man. The coke that I got is so white, it’s dad seems it money every month with a rent.

Devon: Okay, I think I want that one.

Quinta: No, no, no, that is junk. This stuff right here is so white, it takes his shoes and socks off on a plane.

Marcello: No, no no, no, no, no. You don’t want that. This is what you want man. This cocaine here is whiter than season two of ‘The Wire.’

Kenan: Oh yeah? Well my coke is like …
[singing] Cut my life into pieces
this is my last resort

Quinta: Mine is like…

[singing] I chime in with a
“Haven’t you people ever heard of…”

Andrew: [singing] “…closing the goddamn door?”
Damn, no. That is white.

[Punkie also walks to them]

Punkie: Hey, you guys looking for some cocaine?

All: No, we’re good.

Marcello: We’re all set, man.

Devon: Alright, look, we’re looking for coke that’s so pure white, it got a little bottle opener on its flip flops.

Punkie: Yes, yes. My cocaine is so pure, it was written and directed by Noah Baumbach.

Devon: Wait, who the hell is Noah Baumbach?

Andrew: A poet.

Kenan: Man, that’s nothing. This cocaine I got stuff like “Oh, let me scoop right by you.”

Quinta: No, no, no, no, no. This cocaine is so white… [looks at Andrew]

Andrew: Oh, sorry. How White is it?

Quinta: Thank you. It’s so white, it stands like this admiring its lawn.

Marcello: Whatever, man. My coke is so white…

[James walks in to wash his hands]

James: Let me just scoot by you there. Okay. Toodles.

Marcello: It’s that white.

Kenan: I already said that one.

Andrew: Alright man, so what do you think?

Devon: I don’t know. I still can’t decide. Hey

Michael: Hey. [he had been hiding, standing on the wall wearing clothes as the same color of the wall.] You guys looking for some black tar heroin?

Andrew: What, no!

Michael: OH, too bad. Because I’ve got some black tar heroin that’s so black, it’s- [looks around] You know what? Maybe I shouldn’t say.

Devon: No, no, I want to hear this. Go ahead.

Kenan: Please tell us.

Quinta: I’m all ears.

Michael: Fine. I was just goona say it’s so black that is strong and equal, and we should all really give it a chance. You know, I’m not even here.

Quinta: That’s what I thought. Anyway, like I said, this coke is so white, it likes to say it’s from Chicago, but it’s from a suburb like an hour outside of Chicago.

Punkie: Well, my cocaine is 20 pairs of Yeezy sneakers.

Devon: Wait, that’s not even white.

Punkie: Ha-ha. Well, they all dirty.

Quinta: That’s pretty white.

Kenan: Damn, that’s white as hell.

Andrew: All right. All right, that’s enough. It’s all sound very white and pure. I can’t decide. So I guess we’ll take one from each.

Quinta: Okay.

Punkie: That’s fair. Alright.

Devon: Okay. And you’re absolutely sure that there’s no fentanyl in this, right?

Quinta: Well, nobody said that.

Kenan: I mean…

[all making excuses]

Couple Goals

Bob Dabilda… James Austin Johnson

Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Mia… Quinta Brunson

John… Michael Longfellow

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Announcer: It’s time for ‘Couple Goals’ with your host, Bob Dabilda.

Bob Dabilda: Welcome to ‘Couple Goals’, the game where married couples find out just how well they know each other. Let’s meet today’s contestants. They recently celebrated their 10 year anniversary. It’s Thomas and Mia Anderson.

And they lived across from each other during the pandemic and now they’re married, it’s John and Linda Cronin.

Alright, let’s get started. As you know, your spouse has answered a series of questions before the show and it’s up to you to guess what they said. Question one. What is your wife’s favorite food. Thomas?

Thomas: Oh, come on now, Bob. That’s easy. She’s the queen of burgers.

Bob Dabilda: Sounds pretty confident. Let’s see what Mia said.

Mia: Burgers. I’m the burger queen.

Bob Dabilda: Alright. The Andersons are on the board. Let’s go to the Cronins. John.

John: I’m gonna go with my gut here and say grapes.

Linda: Oh no. I said fish sticks. You’ll get them next time, babe.

Bob Dabilda: All right, question two. What is your husband’s greatest fear?

Mia: I’ve seen this man in the garage. And trust me, the answer is spiders.

Bob Dabilda: Aright, Mia says spiders and Tom has said his greatest fear is… that you’ll fall down the stairs and get hurt so bad that I have to give up my dreams and spend the rest of my life caring for you. Wow. No points on that one.

Mia: That’s your biggest fear?

Thomas: Spiders. Yeah. I should have said spiders.

Bob Dabilda: Okay, moving on with the Cronins. Linda, what is your husband’s greatest fear?

Linda: Oh, I got this. It’s airplanes.

John: No, honey, it’s snakes. Remember?

Linda: Oh, so close.

John: Was it though? Was it?

Bob Dabilda: Okay Anderson’s, next question. What’s something you do in bed that your husband does not like? Mia.

Mia: Well, this is embarrassing. But I’ll say it kiss him before brushing my teeth.

Bob Dabilda: And Tom is sad – Sleep too close to the edge.

Mia: Thomas, you think I’m gonna fall out of bed and break my neck?

Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Ay, what’s the next question, man?

Bob Dabilda: Over to Linda, what’s one thing you do in bed that your husband does not like?

Linda: I’d have to say get on top.

Bob Dabilda: Okay. And John said –

John: Hog the sheets, babe.

Bob Dabilda: Once again, the Cronins are not remotely on the same page. Next question for the Andersons. What was your biggest fight about?

Thomas: Oh, I know this one. That would be the basketball game incident.

Bob Dabilda: Okay. Thomas says the basketball game incident and Mia says – the time I hit a half court shot at a basketball game and they gave me free rock climbing lessons for life. And you ran out and ripped up the certificate in front of the whole stadium. Five points to the Andersons.

Thomas: We run away with now, huh baby?

Bob Dabilda: Okay, folks, that sound means it’s time for a bonus question. This one’s for you, Mia. Who has had the biggest influence on your husband’s life?

Mia: His father?

Thomas: Yeah. My dad. And my parents are actually here today. How am I doing Dad?

Dad: You’re doing great son.

[His mother is looking at him disappointed]

Bob Dabilda: Back to Linda. What is your husband’s dream vacation?

Linda: I don’t know. Snake world.

John: Yeah, yeah, it’s snake world. No, you idiot. I just said I don’t like snakes.

Bob Dabilda: Calling your spouse an idiot and you lose a turn. All right. Mia, what’s your husband’s dream vacation?

Mia: At this point, who knows? But he always said Aruba.

Thomas: Yes. Yes baby.

Mia: Alright, finally. There’s the man I married.

Bob Dabilda: Uh-huh. And what’s that little asterix?

Thomas: Oh, that’s just this.

Bob Dabilda: As long as you’re still healthy. If not then Big Sur with your sister. After years of caring for you together, we will have grown close in away we Never expected. And when we finally climax together under the redwoods, we’ll hold each other and weep. Not just because the pleasure is so intense, but because we finally feel released from our tragic shared burden. Well, you both said Aruba, that five points put you over the top. Anderson’s you have won our grand prize.

Mia: Wait, we did?

Thomas: We won, baby.

Bob Dabilda: And that grand prize is an all expense paid trip to Bali’s Temple of 1000 steps.

Thomas: No!