Zoom Call

Mikey Day

Brian… Alex Moffat

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mike taking a video in his house]

Mike: Hey, everybody. Hi.

[Cut to a Zoom conference call. There are six participants including Henriette, Kevin, Crystal, Brian and Nan.]

All: Hey, hello.

Mike: Welcome to Sales Corp Industry’s first Zoom call. This is how we’re going to be doing meetings now. So we wanted to get everyone acquainted with the program, with a little Zoom tutorial. On the call today, we got Brian from sales.

Brian: Oh, man. So good to see you everybody. At a safe distance that is. Ha-ha-ha.

Mike: Ha-ha. Yeah. Um, we got Crystal from market research.

Crystal: Hey. Sorry, my place is such a wreck.

Mike: Na, that’s perfect. We got Kevin from research.

Kevin: Yo, any of y’all wearing pants? Be honest now. Ha-ha. Zoom is fun.

Mike: Oh-oh. It is. It is. And of course, Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionists.

Henriette: Yeah. It is. Yes. We just work the phones normally. So, we’re gonna see.

Nan: Hah! Hello. Hello. I got an email address for this.

Mike: Um, that’s great. We’re glad to have you. You guys will be just fine. Zoom has different layouts. So, go ahead and play around with the view on your screen while we chat. Anybody up to anything fun at home?

Brian: Well, mainly like a lot of my cat looking at me like, “Um, shouldn’t you be at work?”

Crystal: Hah, I know. My dogs are so happy right now. I take them on, like, 12 walks a day.

Kevin: Does anyone else fully hate their kids? Ha-ha.

Henriette: Ha-ha-ha. [Henriette has her mouth near to camera. We can’t see her full face.] And for me it’s been reevaluating which of my mugs I think are the funnies. Ha-ha. Okay. Now this isn’t right, is it?

Nan: Yes. And I recorded my own commentary for a dog’s purpose. I think this is not right.

Mike: You just don’t need to be so close to the camera.

Henriette: Okay. Well, I’ve been calling into QVC [moving the camera around, now we can only see her legs] telling them how good of a job I think that they’re doing.

Mike: Just reset the camera.

Nan: Okay. Like this? [Wayne Brady’s picture replaces Nan’s video] Did I activate Zoom?

Mike: No. You turned it off. And it looks like your avatar is a picture of Wayne Brady? Henriette and Nan, guys, just point the camera at you and just leave it be.

[Nan and Henriette start crying]

Henriette: [sobbing] We’re sorry.

Nan: [sobbing]We’re not cut out for this.

Henriette: [sobbing]I thought this computer only did solitaire.

Nan: [sobbing]We ruined the Zoom.

Mike: No, no, no. Guys, hey, don’t cry. No one ruined the Zoom. We’re all learning here, okay? Why don’t I jus show you guys some of the other cool features it has, okay? Like, there’s virtual background. Even though you’re at home, you can change the background to a beach or wherever you’d most like to be.

[Henriette gets a picture of ‘The Good Doctor’ as her background]

Henriette: This is my beach. It’s the only file I have on my computer and it is my favorite doctor.

Mike: The poster from ‘The Good Doctor?’

Henriette: He’s a doctor but he’s different.

Mike: Okay. Yeah. You can also share your screen down here.

Nan: Oh, wow.

Mike: Either your desktop or an application.

Nan: Okay, am I doing it? I was going for desktop. What part of my screen are you seeing?

Mikey: We’re seeing a Google search that says, “Siri, is my daughter pregnant?”

Henriette: Okay. But I was wondering. [Henriette is walking in her house] If a hacker gets a hold of Zoom, what can I tell? [Henriette walks into the bathroom and puts her laptop on the floor.]

Mikey: Oh, no. [Henriette closes the bathroom door.] No, no, no, no. Please don’t bring it into the bathroom. We can see you always.

Henriette: Oh. I didn’t know.

Nan: [covering her face with her sweater] Okay, my screen is dark again. Darn it.

Mike: No. Don’t take your clothes off, Nan. No, no, no, no. Don’t take your clothes off. Oh, my god. No, don’t. Stop. Both of you. I’m sorry to do this guys. Just please stop. Please.

[Henriette starts crying on her bed]

Oh, no.

Henriette: [sobbing] I’m bad news.

Nan: [sobbing]I’m from hell.

Henriette: [sobbing]I just found out I’m supposed to tip waiters.

Nan: [sobbing]I found out that I’m wearing my shoes on the wrong feet.

Mike: Okay, Henriette, Nan, don’t be so hard on yourselves. Guys, this technology is new. You’re staying home. I’m sure you’re great at that.

Henriette: [sobbing] No, I’m not.

Nan: [sobbing] I’ve never used soap before.

Henriette: [sobbing] I used my license as toilet paper and now I don’t know my own birthday.

Mike: Okay. That’s probably enough.

Nan: [sobbing] My husband says I can only use one sheet of toilet paper, but I need three to get all the dukie out.

Henriette: [sobbing] If I can’t kiss my kids on the mouth, I’m gonna hurt an animal.

Nan: [sobbing] I tried to clean my ass in the middle of the night with the hose in the driveway and I went viral.

Mike: Okay. You know what? Let’s call it. Henriette and Nan, we don’t need you to be on any Zoom calls.

Henriette: Thank god.

Nan: Oh, wonderful. Okay.

Kevin: Hey, um, does anybody knows where I can find Nan’s hose video?

Brian: Yeah, I’ll send it to everybody.

Kevin: Thanks brother.

Mike: Oh, thank you.

Nan: Thanks, guys.

Weekend Update- President Trump Gives Coronavirus Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]

Colin Jost: A lot of Americans have been watching president Trump’s daily press conferences. Calling into our show right now which is very exciting for an official update on the pandemic is president Donald Trump. [Donald Trump joins on the phone] Thank you so much for joining us Mr. President. So, what’s the latest with the virus?

Donald Trump: Well, I’m happy to report Colin that America is now number one in the world for coronavirus. Number one while I was president, #AmericaNumberOne #NotImportantWhy.

Colin Jost: You seem almost excited about it.

Donald Trump: Well, my approval rating is up. My TV rating is through the roof. Every night at seven PM, all of the New York claps and cheers for the great job I’m doing.

Michael Che: Yeah. I don’t know if that’s for you, man.

Donald Trump: You’re wrong, LeBron. You’re wrong. I’ll be honest. This virus, this COFIFA-nineteen is really a tough one.

Michael Che: What exactly is your advice? Because it seems to change every Michael Che4 hours.

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question. You’re very nasty. All along, I’ve always said it was a giant hoax that we should take very seriously. Even though it was embedded by the democrats impeachment part two to everyone needs to wash their hands or not.

Colin Jost: I was just wondering. Where are you getting most of your advice for this?

Donald Trump: We have to listen to the experts on this one. Me, Hannity, Jared Kushner and Michael Lindell from My Pillow. All the experts agree we need to wear masks.

Colin Jost: Right. Right. So, are you wearing a mask?

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question, okay? No, I’m not. Last time I wore a mask, I hot boxed myself and passed out. And I can’t wear mask in my tanning bed or when I take it off I’ll be dark up top with the white circle around my mouth like a reverse Homer Simpson.

Colin Jost: I did notice that you stopped referring to it as Chinese virus.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Colin. I had to tone down the ethnic slurs after I discovered everything we need to survive the virus is made in Gina (China), okay? Here are some of the other names we workshopped.

Michael Che: Oh, I would love to, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Okay. We had ‘Chinese flu.’ Then of course, ‘Hong Kong fluey.’ Then ‘Crouching tiger hidden symptons.’ Or, ‘Wang Chung Lung.’ And there’s ‘General Tso’s revenge.’ Okay? Stephen Miller came up with ‘The Yellow Fever,’ but that’s already a thing. It’s when a white dude is horny for an Asian chick.

Colin Jost: It was probably better, sir, the back off. Some people are saying that now you seem more presidential than you ever have.

Donald Trump: Colin, in times like this, we need to come together as one nation because no matter our differences, all Americans can agree on one thing, Carole Baskin definitely fed her husband to those tigers. I’m proud to announce Trump Exotic twentytwenty. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. They have a feeling Pence is gonna be pretty into Joe Exotic.

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. President Trump, everyone.

Donald Trump: All the absentee ballots are covered in coronavirus. Happy Easter, everybody.

Weekend Update- New Twinkies Cereal and Joe Exotic Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes.]

Michael Che: The makers of Twinkies announced a new cereal based on the snack cakes. And this is nice. Every box comes with a t-shirt you kid can wear in the pool.

Colin Jost: LifeTime has announced a spin-off of their new hit show “Married At First Sight” that catches up on couples from the show. The spin-off if called “Divorced or Murdered?”

Joe Exotic, the subject of the Netflix series “Tiger King” said that he wants Brad Pitt to play him in a movie version of his life. Which is sort of like if ‘The Colin Jost’ story starred Denzel Washington.

Michael Che: A woman in England baked a cake for a charity fundraiser that was in the shape of a rollup toilet paper. The icing was vanilla with a little streaks of chocolate. That’s a good cake.

Colin Jost: A couple has created a miniature versions of classic paintings to display for their durables. They say the toughest part was getting the paintings to also fit up their ass.

Michael Che: What happened to you?

Colin Jost: A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their homes at a senior home in Germany have started performing outside their windows. Even though saying, “I see clowns outside my window,” is how you end up in a home.

Michael Che: A male panda at a zoo in Hong Kong has for the first time mated with his female companion of ten years, after she finally agreed to get implants. [A picture of a panda with breasts appears.]

That’s funny. You know guys, by the way, this is really fun. And as you know, Colin, I lost my grandmother this week. And coming back to work really made me feel better. Specially with you.

Colin Jost: Aw. Thank you.

Michael Che: My favorite part of this show was when would do joke swap. You have no idea but, I don’t know, maybe would you like to do one right now?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Wow, that started out so sweet.

Michael Che: Yeah. No. Well, I mean, she would have really liked it.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: So, I sent– I had Pete send you a joke in your email if you can just open up and read it.

Colin Jost: [pulling out the laptop] This is my laptop that I just received my email on. [reading the email] Oh my god!

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. She would really like this.

Colin Jost: Yeah. She would love. Okay. For her then, I’ll say this. Great.

Two professors at the University of Oklahoma have been cited for using the N word in class. In their defense, the students were being pretty lazy.

Michael Che: Damn! My grandmother has never seen this show. I just wanted you to do that.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: She woke up at like, 4 AM dude, to pray. You think she’d watch Saturday Night Live? Never. But I really appreciate it. That made this night perfect, man. Thank you. Aw, man. For Weekend Update, I’m Martha’s grand baby.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Bernie Sanders Drops Out

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]

Colin Jost: Hey, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update Home Edition. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And this is obviously a strange way to do the show. So, we got some people listening on Zoom. Say hi, everybody.

[audience making little noise]

Yeah. Now, it’s like a party, right Coling?

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a great distant just audio party. It’s great.

Michael Che: What? I mean it’s better. It’s like.. telling jokes with nobody just looks like hostage footage. No, doing comedy with no audience, it kind of feels like when you’re in a long distance relationship and your girl’s like, “We can’t have sex but we can Facetime.” And you’re like, “Ugh, I’d rather just cheat on you.”

So, we got some jokes and we’re gonna tell some, see what you guys think.

Colin Jost: I’ve been watching president’s daily improv shows that he does every night. And I actually really love Dr. Anthony Fauci. I love when he speaks. Dr. Fauci is the last person I’ve seen that has a really thick accent but is smart. I’ve never got used to that. It’s like if someone said like, “Alright, guys. Here’s how we’re gonna fix this disease,” you’d expect them to be like, “We’re gonna break it’s f*** knee caps.” But he just has actual like, facts information.

Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the race which means that Joe Biden is now the presumptive nominee for 2020. And I just want to say on behalf of all comedians, thank you. I’m so excited because it’s either Trump or Biden which means that we have a comedy gold for next four years. Potentially with Biden, the next eight years. And I just want to say, can you imagine the Biden’s gonna be saying eight years from now?

Michael Che: This is bitter sweet coz I actually like Bernie Sanders. But him losing and making all those liberal white kids on twitter sad is the only thing getting me through this really rough week. Whenever I feel down, I just go online and listen to Bernie supporters try really, really hard to not blame this loss on black people. Ha-ha. I liked him but I knew he wasn’t getting a black vote because he kept bringing up healthcare. We don’t go to the doctors, man.

Colin Jost: President Trump has been reportedly promoting unproven cures for COVID-19 based on advice of Rudy Giuliani. Coz when you need medical advice, you turn to the guy who looks like he’s experience every symptom at once.

Michael Che: Reports suggest that in large cities like New York, coronavirus is disproportionately impacting African-American communities. And I really wish there was a way to warn black people about this without also telling white people about this. Coz once Trump starts calling this the Harlem flu, we ain’t never gonna get a cure.

Colin Jost: It was announced that Kylie Jenner for the second year in a row was the world’s youngest self made billionaire. The announcement was made in this month’s issue of Now’s Not The Time (magazine).

Michael Che: Harvey Weinstein has reportedly beaten the coronavirus but there’s still a chance he could be contagious. At least that’s what he’s yelling to anyone who gets near him in the showers.

Colin Jost: Tuesday was National Beer Day which was the first time alcohol has ever helped me remember what day it is.

 

Visualizations with Aidy Bryant

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with “Visualizations with Aidy” intro]

Aidy: Take a deep breath in. Deep breath out. [Cut to Aidy meditating] [exhaling] And you know, picture yourself somewhere that calms you. Let’s start something simple. Just a blue sky with clouds. See yourself in those clouds. Now, there I am absolute sky queen. Floating light as a feather. Not a care in the world. The world is your oyster. You can go anywhere. You can go underwater with some jellyfish. Think of something that makes you feel free. Maybe for me, that’s like, a big beautiful galloping chestnut horse. [Cut to Aidy looking at a horse] Oh, that’s sort of like, a digital horse. But that’s okay. Maybe you know what? Center and find a different animal. [The hose goes away. A big snake appears.] [bleep] No, no.

[Cut back to Aidy meditating]

Okay, okay. That’s okay. We can reset. Right? It’s easy to reset. Another deep breath and let’s think about love. [Cut to a man and a woman touching each other in bed] Think about passion. Sex. Um, yeah. Oh, look at these two. They don’t exactly seem to be hot and heavy. Feels like more like they got a direction that they weren’t allowed to kiss. Now, that’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my damn life.

[Cut back to Aidy meditating]

Maybe something more fun. A little bit of a fantasy. Close your eyes. See yourself strutting on a red carpet. You know? And I’ve been on a carpet or two in my day. And usually when I get out there, I think, “What is this all for and what is the meaning of life? Why have I brought myself here?” Now I’m sad that I care so much about this. For me, it’s sometimes easy to think about things one at a time. So, smiles. Simple. [There are smiling emojis all over Aidy.] And smiles now. How about hotdogs? [There’s a huge hotdog behind Aidy] Yeah, summertime hotdog. What about World War I? No. Sorry. I’m sorry. How about warm fresh bread with butter? [There are breads behind Aidy] Ummm. How about dancing? [There’s a Zumba class going on behind Aidy] Yes. You and your best friends who are all senior women are dancing in this rec center. Go, girl.

[Cut back to Aidy meditating]

Let’s go now and let’s think about maybe the things that we miss. Like, going to the movies. I miss that. Or, what about my favorite thing when you surprise an old person you barely know with a kiss and a hug? When will we get to do that again? Or how about this putting on your fedora and going to Ferris Wheel concert with your best girlfriend? And you know, I’m feeling better and I hope that you are too. And if this doesn’t work for you, then I wanna recommend eating an entire quesadilla and a bag of chocolate chips. Good luck, you guys. Stay safe.

Twitch Stream

Cam Playz Dat… Mikey Day

[Starts with Cam Playz Dat intro] [Cut to Cam Playz Dat speaking to camera]

Cam Playz Dat: Wad up, Twitch? it’s your boy Cam Playz Dat. Make sure to subscribe. Leave a tip if you’re enjoying the stream. Every dollar counts. And, say what up in the comments, but keep it civil y’all. Specially right now, alright? Be respectful.

Today, I’m finally doing it. People have been asking me. I’m playing Call Of Duty Warzone. I know it’s been out. But I’m finally getting around to it. The multi-player slayer is in the building. So, let’s give it a shot, alright? I heard it’s fun. I heard it’s a little easy, though. So, we’ll see.

[Cut to streaming video. The screen if recording of his game screen. There’s a small portion in the screen where we can see Cam Playz Dat playing.]

Graphic’s sick, bro. Three, two, one. Let’s go. [he gets killed as soon as he enters] Oh! Is that me? I didn’t even see that guy.

Alright, we’re getting used to it. We’re getting used to it. Let’s respawn. Let’s go.

[he gets killed as soon as he enters again]

Dude! Come on.

Yo, if you’re in my game right now and you’re sniping by the respawn spot, I get it. It’s an easy way to get kills, but let’s actually play the game. Freaking 11 year olds out there.

Okay, here we go. [he gets killed as soon as he enters again] Yo! Dude!

Alright, Stickyxx2 says go back to Fortnite. Man, maybe I’ll go back to your mom’s house. What do you think about that?

Okay, now here we go. Stop. Stop. Stop. [he gets killed as soon as he enters again]

Stickyxx2, I don’t have mom. Man, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know. I apologize for that comment.

Alright, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. [he gets killed as soon as he enters again]

Mom! I’m not being loud. You’re being loud. You’re being louder yelling at me for being loud.

Alright, let’s get some high ground here. When you can actually play it, this game is actually tight. Like, it’s super fun. No, no! [he gets killed again]

It’s what I’m saying. This game is not fun. It’s dumb.

What up, Twitch? My Call of Duty Warzone like, crashed or something. It’s not working anymore. Right when I was figuring out how to play it. So, it sucks. But anyway, we gonna take it old school right now. We doing a vintage Super Mario speed run. Alright? So, let’s do this.

[Cam Playz Dat starts playing Mario Bros]

Alright, last time I did this, I believed I– [he dies] Ah! Pfft. [shaking head]

Don’t forget to subscribe. New videos and streams weekly. Cam Playz Dat!

Tom Hanks At-Home Monologue

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

[Tom Hanks is in his home. He is wearing a suit.] [cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Hey, hey. Wow. Wow. Thank you. That is some sound effect of applause and whistles. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, engineers. Hey, all you cool cats and kittens. It’s me, your old pal. Don’t worry now. Don’t be afraid. This shaved head was just for movie. My hair is growing back very slowly. It does save time in the shower. So, I don’t know. Maybe we should all do it, huh?

Hey, it’s good to be here, though it is also very weird to be here hosting Saturday Night Live from home. It is a strange time to try and be funny. But trying to be funny is SNL’s whole thing. So, we thought, “What the heck? Let’s give it a shot.” But why me as host? Well, for one, I have been the celebrity canary in the coal mine for the coronavirus. And ever since being diagnosed, I have been more like America’s dad like ever before since no one wants to be around me very long, and I make people uncomfortable. Now, I was diagnosed back in March with the coronavirus. I was first diagnosed down in Australia. Now, the folks in Australia are fantastic in every way. But they use celcius instead of fahrenheit when they take your temperature. So, when I come in, they say, “You’re 36!” Which seemed very bad to me. Turns out 36 is fine. 38 is bad. So, basically it’s how Hollywood treats female actors. But now, my wife and I are doing fine. We’re doing great. We’re hunkered down like all of it should be. And in fact, this suit, this is the first time I’ve worn anything other than sweatpants since March 11th. My wife had to help me put it on because I forgot how buttons work. But it turns out there’s these little discs and they slide into these slots. Amazing.

Now, this Saturday Night Live is gonna be al little different. For one thing, it has been filmed entirely by the SNL cast who are currently quarantine in their homes just like this. Well, not like this. I mean, their homes are little more like– You know what? I’m gonna let you be the judge of that.

Also, there’s no such thing as Saturdays anymore. It’s just, everyday is today. And we’re not really live. But, we are doing everything we can to make this feel like the SNL you know and love. I am even using cue cards. [pulls a paper from behind the camera] See? I’m even using cue cards. That’s riffed, baby. That’s what I am doing.

So, tonight I can do everything a host does during a normal SNL. I could even do that old chestnut the question and answer monologue. Let’s see, does anyone have any questions? Yes, what about you sir? How about you?

[Cut to Tom Hanks wearing a hat and a fake mustache. He has a smoking pipe in his mouth]

Um, I have a question for Mr. Hanks. I can’t help but notice that you are in excellent shape. What is the secret of your physical regiment?

[Cut back to Tom Hanks wearing suit]

Come on. I just try to stretch a couple of times a week. Go easy on the carbs and the cookies. Thank you though. Anybody else? Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Tom hanks wearing a cowboy hat]

Alright, I got a question for Tommy Tim Tam. What’s a right proper way to get a daily dose of your vegemite?

[Cut back to Tom Hanks wearing suit]

Enough of that. Well, we have a great show for you tonight. Now, is it gonna look a little different than what you’re used to? Yes. Will it be weird to see sketches without big sets and costumes? Sure. But, will it make you laugh? Ugh. You know, it’s SNL. You know. There’ll be some good stuff. Maybe one or two stinkers. You know the drill. But let’s go. Hey, stay safe. We are in this for the duration. And we will get through this together. We are going to thank our hospital workers, our first responders and all the helpers. The supermarket stockers. The people who deliver our food. The people who are making takeout for us. The men and women who are keeping this country going at the time we need more than ever before. So, we’re gonna take care of them and we’re gonna take care of each other. So, let’s try to now just enjoy the show. We will be right back.

Sport Report

Bob Tisdale… Alex Moffat

[Starts with “Sky Sport report” intro] [Cut to Bob Tisdale in his home]

Bob Tisdale: Good evening, everyone. Bob Tisdale here from Sky Sports. Well, formerly Sky Sport Furloughed. Cheers corona. So, coming to you live with the sport report from a stool in my drawing room. The world of sport never sleeps and I haven’t been sleeping well either. So, let’s see the highlights. This segment is brought to you by Tea, made by my wife. Cheers, Jane. [Bob Tisdale raises his teacup.]

Jane: No, it’s not.

Bob Tisdale: Um, cracking cup. Okay, let’s see. Some highlights.

[Bob Tisdale puts two laptops on a table and presses power button at the same time.]

First up, it’s laptop challenge. Which one will boot up first? And they’re off.  Yes, you can hear the sound which one will get to the finish line of booting up first. It’s anyones–

[laptop on the left turns on]

Well, that was quick. Left lappy wins. Not even close.

And over to match endurance, which match will outlast the other?

[Bob Tisdale is holding two burning matchsticks, one in each hand.]

Left match is barely hanging on. And it’s out. Right match wins. That’s why she’s the champ, folks. Oh, she’s out too.

Meanwhile, over at the stove, Jane is making popcorn. [Cut to four pieces of corns placed in a pot.] Um, my favorite. But which kernel will be first to burst. It’s anyone’s guess, really. Top left is really heating up but bottom right is beginning to make his move. Oh, top right. There’s some action. Tossing and turning but no, no bursting. What is going to happen? Bottom left, no life yet, sleeping on the job. Nobody seems to want it out there. But there are signs of life in the pot. Oh! Oh my god, from out of nowhere, top left is your winner. This is why we watch sport. And bottom left is close behind to take the silver and bronze. Nobody cares.

Who is top banana? [Cut to two bananas placed in a bowl] Which will ripe in first? It’s a lightning round. Left banana is picking up momentum. But wait, is that a spot? Something is definitely happening on the right banana. Folks, we are going to be here a while.

[Cut to Bob Tisdale on his stool]

And now a few statistics from the day. Things Jane and I saw from the window. 15 birds, one beautiful brown hawk who flew away before I could film him on my mobile phone, three squirrels, one neighbor hanging a light fixture. And that is it.

Wow! big day today. Okay, this is me Bob Tisdale saying cheers to Jane. Love you babe. And yes, see you tomorrow. Probably!

RBG Workout

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Working Out at Home intro] [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg in her home. She has a poster with “RBG’S Workout Corner” written on it]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Hello. I’m Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and I wanted to say heartfelt hello to everyone who’s stuck inside. I want to show you some exercise you can do while you’re in there just to stay, you know, fit and healthy. So, today we’re gonna be doing working all the major muscle groups of the body. That’ll be abs, gams, tuchus, chicken wings and critical thinking. So, let’s go. So, all you really need for a good home workout is a jump rope [showing a tiny rope] and some weights [showing earbuds].

You’ve got to remember to start by cleaning your equipment with one of these lysol wipes. [showing a wipe that’s size of a bed-sheet.] I’m tiny. They’re big. What are you gonna do?

I need my punching bags. [showing two teabags] Kavanaugh and Gorsuch. Alright, let’s go.

[Cut to Cardio session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is doing jumping jacks.]

Gotta workout. Don’t want to gain the quarantine 15 ounces. And you got to eat healthy to stay healthy. Everyday I eat a half a chicken. Sorry, chick pea.  Half a chick pea.

You got to pee a little every time you move. That’s normal. That’s good. That’s the burn.

Social distancing is important. [kicking at the camera] Take it from me, I’ve been social distancing from Justice Alito since ’03. And that’s a Gins-burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a hip-hop beat] [Cut to Tuchus session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is carrying one earbud on each of her hands and doing squats.] I’m very tough. I’m 87 years old. I survived cancer four times. I went to law school during the Spanish flu. Beat it.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg whispering in front of her cat]

That’s my trainer. If I mess up, he eats me. Scary guy.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg sitting with the support of her back on the wall]

If you’re wondering, I’m not using this time to relax. I’m actually training for the 2021 Olympics. I’m going to do mental gymnastics to figure out why they cut the pandemic response team in 2018. Gins-burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a hip-hop beat] [Cut to Flappers session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is carrying one batter on each of her hands doing shoulder press.] So, for this I like to push myself with something really heavy. You got to get fit to push your thirst traps. I hope I crush these. Dr. Fauci, answer my DMs. [notification sound] That’s a slow burn.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a melodic beat.] [Cut to Stretch session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is sitting on yoga mattress.]

Oh! Got to cool down now and stretch out with my foam roller. [Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows a piece of mostaccioli] It’s a piece of mostaccioli. Apparently, the virus came from the sick bat. Which makes me wonder, what was Giuliani doing in China?

Mitch McConnell said that the administration didn’t focus on the virus because they were too distracted by impeachment. I mean, are you in congress or parliament because your time line is funkadelic. Funk-me.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a funk music.] [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg standing in front of her ‘workout corner’ poster.]

Anyways, thanks for tuning in. And remember, stay healthy. All you need to do is one pushup. Push up is when you think, “Hey, it’s been two weeks. Maybe I’ll put on a bra.” And that’s a self-Gins-burn. Drop the beat!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a dance beat.] [The End]

Quarantine QT

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Ego Nwodim teaching how to makeup]

Ego Nwodim: I’m gonna show you guys how to make it work for the quarantine. So, first thing you’re gonna wanna do is– probably have one of these on you. If you don’t have one of these, chances are you have like, some version of it.

[Ego Nwodim pulls out something like black marker.]

Black crayola marker. You know, you wanna do your brows because that’s what will frame your face.

[Ego Nwodim puts on marker on her brows very badly. It’s good thick and bad.]

Thick is in right now. In lieu of blush, I got this crayola in red, rojo road. Yeah.

[Ego Nwodim puts on the marker on her cheeks. It’s too red for her cheeks. It just looks like she’s doodling on her face.]

Just like, a little bit on your cheek bones. kind of get that apple of your cheeks. I’m running low.

Then you’re probably gonna wanna do a lip. I am kind of feeling like something bold just because things are hard and everyone’s probably again, tired of seeing heir bare face. [pulls out a marker] I’ve got this in violet. OKay? [Ego Nwodim puts on the marker on her lips. It looks horrible.] All this stuff is probably still available on amazon. Like, people are buying like, cleaning supplies and hand sanitizer and whatever. But chances are you can get couple of these.

It’s not as bold as I’d like. So, what I’m gonna do is mix it with this blue azul. I kind of like to keep it lighter near the middle of the lip. And then you’re gonna want to do a highlight.

[Ego Nwodim puts on yello marker on her cheeks]

So, you’re gonna wanna do a highlight right in this region. And just a little highlight on your chin. And you’re done. Facetime ready for the quarantine in case you run out of your makeup. Yeah, guys. I hope this adds a little bit of joy to your lives. I hope I’ve kind of made this whole quarantine thing easier for you. I don’t feel like, you wanna do too much. You just want to keep it natural, have people thinking like, “This is a chill everyday vibe.” So, anyway. Thanks guys. Don’t forget to wash your hands. And stay the hell inside.