Dave… Daniel Kaluuya
David Beckham… Alex Moffat
Victoria Beckham… Chloe Fineman
[Starts with two couples at a fine dining]
Cecily: So glad we could do this. Lisa, you look so cute.
Ego: Thanks girl. This is where my steamy money went.
Cecily: I mean, it’s nice. It’s not $1200 nice.
Dave: This place is cool. Good choice, baby.
Mikey: Yeah. And I heard he’s actually here tonight.
Dave: Who’s here?
[Salt Bae walks to their table with a chopping board, a meat on it and a knife.]
Cecily: Salt Bae!
Ego: Oh my god, Salt Bae is at our table.
Dave: Good evening, bro. Got any specials tonight?
Ego: Oh my god. I know the specials. He’s going to give us the meat.
Dave: Did we order this?
Cecily: [taking a video] Shh! It’s happening.
[Salt Bae puts in the salt in his style]
Dave: Wow. Didn’t know you like salt that much.
[Salt Bae gestures like he’s calling Cecily]
Cecily: You want me to salt meat?
Ego: Oh my god. Dave, you better get your phone out and film her.
Ego: This is why she’s here, dammit!
[Salt Bae is holding Cecily and helping her salt the meat]
Dave: That’s insane amount of touching with the waiter, right?
Ego: He’s not a waiter.
Dave: Well then, what is he?
[Salt Bae cuts a slice of meat and lifts it with the knife]
Cecily: Ooh! Drop it down my throat.
Cecily: Babe, are you filming?
Dave: Yeah. But why are you eating like that though?
[Salt Bae puts a meat in Cecily’s mouth. Then he wipes her lips and walks away.]
Cecily: Hmm. Bye.
Ego: Bye, Salt Bae.
Dave: Right. So, I didn’t like that.
Cecily: Dave, that’s Salt Bae. He’s the most important chef in the world. Haven’t you seen his Instagram?
Dave: You get on, Sam bro.
Mikey: Yes, I think it’s cultural thing. Like, Salt Bae loves beautiful steak and Salt Bae loves beautiful women.
Ego: Wait, are you upset with Hannah or are you upset with Salt Bae?
Mikey: Yeah, because you can’t be mad a Salt Bae.
Cecily: Dave, Salt Bae is allowed.
Dave: No, no, no, no. It’s fine. Never mind. You’re having a good time. Enjoy the meat, babe.
[Salt Bae jumps in with another piece of meat]
Hello again, Salt Bae. Spanking the meat. I see you. I understand what you’re doing. Very good.
[Salt Bae moves near Cecily]
Cecily: Oh, my turn I guess. [Cecily slaps the meat] Oh! Oh, I love the way your meat feels.
Dave: It’s just not sanitary.
[Salt Bae moves near Ego]
Ego: Now it’s my turn to spank your meat.
Mikey: [filming Ego] Oh my god! Amazing!
Dave: Bro, you like this?
Mikey: No, I hate this.
Dave: I’d love to order a drink by the way.
[Salt Bae puts the meat on the chopping board and walks out]
And he’s gone. He’s gone.
Cecily: I am posting the video and tagging him.
Dave: I’m sorry, but this guy is giving me magician energy. You know? It’s a bit firsty.
Ego: Wait, are you jealous?
Dave: Of the meat mime? No.
Cecily: Oh my god, he DM’ed me.
Dave: What the hell did he say?
Cecily: [hiding her phone] Nothing.
[Salt Bae jumps in with the gold steak]
Mikey: Oh! The gold steak.
[Salt Bae pulls out a bone and moves near Ego]
[Ego opens her mouth wide open. Salt Bae puts in the bone.]
Mikey: Honey, you’re so lucky!
Dave: I’m feeling like we shouldn’t be watching this.
Mikey: I like to watch.
[Salt Bae moves near Mikey]
Me? No, I’m not beautiful like them.
[Salt Bae puts the bone in Mikey’s mouth]
Ego: Wow. You look so happy.
Dave: I don’t know if I like that. By the way, how much is it? How much is the gold steak?
[Salt Bae passes the bill on his knife]
Dave: Perfect! I’m getting charged $1100 to get cucked in front of David Beckham.
David Beckham: Salt Bae. Cool, right?
Victoria Beckham: Your girlfriend is absolutely stalling with the steak.
[Now, Cecily is on the table with her legs spread. Salt Bae is pouring salt between her legs. Cecily is moaning.]
Dave: That’s it! Sir, you’re an Instagram celebrity. You’re not better than me. I manage T-Mobile. And I worked hard to take my lady to dinner and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t salt her on our dinner table.
Cecily: [yelling at Dave, still her legs spread] Hey! Calm down. You’re embarrassing me in front of the Beckham Poshs.
Beckhams: We like it.
Dave: Anyone can slice meat. It’s not that hard.
[Dave tries to slice the meat]
Salt Bae: No, it’s very sharp!
[Dave cuts his thumb off. He is bleeding and spraying blood all over the place.]
Mikey: Oh my god!
Cecily: Hey, your thumb. You should take yourself to the hospital.
Dave: Take myself?
Cecily: Yes. We’ve got steak left.