Weekend Update- Cecilia Gimenez on Cristiano Ronaldo Bust

Colin Jost

Cecilia Giminez… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week an airport in Portugal unveiled a bust of their most famous soccer player Christiano Ronaldo who looks like this, [Cut to picture of Christiano Ronaldo] but the statue came out like this. [Picture changes to a bad statue of Christiano Ronaldo.] [Michael Che laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost]

Now, here to get her take is the artist that made Spain’s famous echo homo Jesus painting, Ms. Cecilia Giminez.

[Cecilia Giminez slides in]

Hello, Cecilia, welcome.

Cecilia Giminez: Well, star! Now, do not worry about the Ronaldo sculpture. People are going to love it.

Colin Jost: Really? Well, you know, people love your Jesus painting now. It has actually become a huge tourist attraction.

Cecilia Giminez: Yes. It has. It’s true, Colin. Jesus has blessed me. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez.][Cecilia Giminez shows a picture of his painting] At night he come to me, he look upon me with his kind dark snake eyes and he said, “You are blessed, Cecilia.” And I thanked Jesus for everything he has done and he said to me, “Hah!”

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s great. yeah. [Cecilia Giminez starts putting her face on the picture] Okay, Cecilia. It worked out for you. It worked out for you. Kind of. It worked out for you, right? So, maybe it could work out for the sculpture too.

Cecilia Giminez: Of course, Colin. Well, its’ a beautiful art.  Look at this. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] [Cecilia GiminezShowing a picture of bad Christiano Ronaldo sculpture.] Wow!

Colin Jost: Yeah. Very special.

Cecilia Giminez: Wow! The first question any great sculpture must ask about his subject is ‘what would he look like if he had a stroke?’ But he had the stroke while saying ‘Cheese.’ You see? Look at his eyes. They love each other. They want to be together. They are like a little lesbian teenagers at a sleepover trying to push their beds together in the night. It’s perfect. Look at this. It’s like they take my beautiful Ronaldo face and they put it through a snap chat filter where all the features are twisted and sucked into the nose.

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you really fell like this looks anything like Ronaldo?

Cecilia Giminez: Of course it does. It’s perfect. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] It’s the spitting image of my Ronaldo and that’s why so many people spit on it. Look at the details. Look at this gorgeous smile. That’s a smile that says, “I got a fish in my mouth and I’m trying to keep it in there.” And just to show soccer is not just for boys, they make the neck out of a little vagina. It’s so beautiful.

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

It’s a beautiful detail.

Colin Jost: Yes, yes, I see how you might like this, but I feel like there are a lot of soccer fans out there who think it’s pretty bad.

Cecilia Giminez: Why? This is a perfect image of Ronaldo playing football. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] See how the artist captures his look right when the ball hit him in the face?

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, this sculpture is currently at an airport. Do you think people are gonna want to see this sculpture at an airport?

Cecilia Giminez: They’re gonna love it. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] See, when you travel, you tire. You feel so sad. You wanna see a friendly face. The face of a man who pets a bunny so much it dies. You know?

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a great point.

Cecilia Giminez: [feeling Colin Jost’s biceps] Oh my god. Wow.

Colin Jost: Now, what is your next project? You know what you’re working on?

Cecilia Giminez: I’ve got a news, Colin. NBC has commissioned a statue for you out side and guess who they hired to do it?

Colin Jost: Who did they hire?

Cecilia Giminez: Me.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha. Wow. I could have guessed that. Yes. So you’re doing a statue of me?

Cecilia Giminez: I did. I already did it. Look at this.

[Cut to bad statue of Colin Jost’s face.] [Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Cecilia Giminez, everyone.

Cecilia Giminez: Thank you, Jesus.

Weekend Update on Woman’s Selfie Accident

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a bridge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in California was injured after she fell 60 feet while trying to take a selfie from a bridge. Worse, she not long has a good side.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: White House unveiled Melania Trump’s official portrait this week and it turns out she posed in front of same giant spider web that I did back in 5th grade. [Picture changes to baby Colin Jost.] [Picture changes to People’s magazine]

Well, it’s official. Barry Manilow is gay.

Michael Che: Official? [laughing]

Colin Jost: This story was first reported in the comment section of his YouTube videos.

[Picture changes to a woman’s sillhoutte.]

An 28 year old woman in Romania has reported auctioned her virginity to a Hong Kong businessman for $2.5 million, which is the second worse thing someone has done for money this week. [Picture changes to Kylie Jenner’s picture from Pepsi ad.] [Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of rhino and Ohio state at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials at Cleveland zoo have announced that one of the critically endangered black rhinos is pregnant. Still no word on if she plans to keep it.

[Picture changes to

New research shows that the first 59% of people on their chocolate Easter bunnies are the ears. While the rest are like, “Me and go straight for that butt.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Yahoo and Aol logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Yahoo and Aol will combine to form a new company because no one wants to die alone. [cheers and applause] [Picture changes to manatees]

And Manatees. [One audience cheer hard] [Michael Che laughing] You own one? Manatees have recently been upgraded from endangered to merely threatened. So, for a limited time only, the McManatee is back. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Syria Missile Strike

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it turns out the only thing scarier than Donald Trump acting un-presidential is Donald Trump acting presidential. [Picture changes to missiles] In response to the Syrian regimes chemical weapons attack, President Trump on Thursday spent 59 tomahawk missiles to disable a Syrian air field. Coz when Donald Trump is angry, he always presses send. [Picture changes to send button of twitter.]

This is one of those moments where it seems extra jarring that Donald Trump is our president. Even if you are Trump supporter, it’s gotta seem a little crazy that he is starting a real war with Assad [Picture changes to Assad] while he’s still bogged down in a twitter war with Schwarzenegger. [Picture changes to Arnold Schwarzenegger.] Remember? After Trump was elected and everyone saying, “Stop taking Trump literally. He’s not literally going to ban Muslins, Mexicans and bomb the hell out of everyone.” All I’m saying is if I were Hillary Clinton right now, I’d start getting in prison shape.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Syrian and Russian flags at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Now, I may be oversimplifying the details. The US has attacked Assad who, like us, is already at war with ISIS. But Assad is a close ally with Russia who Trump has said he wants to work with to defeat ISIS. Even though the biggest threat to ISIS is Assad who Trump just bombed. Now, in case you are having trouble following all that, here’s a reenactment of what I just described.

[Cut to old movie clip where three people are hitting each other] [Cut to Michael Che]

Simple enough, right? Now, this attack comes as a surprise because just Monday, the President said he wanted nothing to do with the Syrian conflict. And by Thursday, he already attacked them. He’s handling conflict the way my mother handles family drama. At first, she’s like, “This ain’t none of my business. Y’all leave me out of this. Y’all grown.” Then three days later, she’s outside my ex girlfriend’s job in a track suit with a brick in one hand and her wig in the other.

Trump also broke protocol by not waiting for approval from congress. He didn’t even wait until he was home. He was still on vacation in Margaritaville or wherever he calls that place. And then he sent 60 missiles from Amazon Prime on a whim.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Xi Jinping.]

President Trump met with Chinese this week at his Mar a Lago Estate, and then when the two men stood next to each other for the first time, one thing became very clear. If you mash them together, they would look exactly like Steven Segal. [Picture changes to Steven Segal] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Neal Gorsuch at left top corner.

Colin Jost: On Friday, the senate voted to confirm Supreme Court nominee Neal Gorsuch which made it extra awkward for Merrick Garland’s family when he pretended to come home after another long day at the Supreme Court. [Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to Steve Bannon]

This week, White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was removed from the National Security Council. [cheers]  And this time, he probably can blame the Jews.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jared Kushner with the military at left top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House revealed that Jared Kushner has traveled to Iraq with the Chairman of the Joint Chief of Staff. God! What a dork! Why is he wearing that vest? He’s dressed like Colin when he goes to buy weed with my guy without me.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It was my first time. This photo represents what frustrates me most about this administration which is complete lack of self awareness. They are the worst thing that rich white guys can be, which is oblivious. [Picture changes to Jeff Sessions] Like, Jeff Sessions, the other day he’s accused of being racist. The first thing he did this week as Attorney General was to reduce oversight on police departments. Way to pick up on the general vibe of the country. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Then four days into sexual assault awareness month, Trump comes out of nowhere to defend the guy accused of sexual assault, [Picture changes to Bill O’Reilly] which I don’t think is how the month is traditionally celebrated. And now, while we’re on the verge of World War 3, Jared Kushner rolls on to a military base is his best yacht rock outfit. I mean, come on, you’re going to see generals, not Vampire Weekend.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill O’Reilly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York Times has reported that Bill O’Reilly and FOX News paid out $13 million to five different women to settle the sexual harassment claims. $13 million to five women? The best case scenario, that mean’s you’re so bad with women that every time you’ve tried to flirt, it cost you $2.5 million. I’m bad with women too, but the most it ever cost me was a two-star rating on Uber Pool.

Trump’s People

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]

Bobby: People of county, boy, do we have surprise for you tonight. [cheers and applause] Yes. He was on his way to Washington, but he decided to first stop andbe with the people who brought him there. Please welcome the president of the United States, Donald Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you. We all love Trump, don’t we? We do. We do. I had an amazing week, folks. I met with the leaders from China, Egypt and Jordan. Gorsuch was confirmed and the media is saying nice things and no one is talking about Russia. Wow, what a difference 59 tomahawk missiles can make. I just want to spend 20 minutes today with my people. Folks who don’t whisper, “Oh, god, what’s happening?” right after I leave the room. I know how hard it is for you. Thins have changed so much since I was growing up. For example, a lot of poverty is white now. Isn’t that crazy? Let me hear from you. You like that I bombed Syria? You right there.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: I sure do, sir, but I wanted to talk about my job. I recently got laid off from coal mining plant.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I love coal. You guys have suffered terribly. Worse than anyone. And as president, I promise I am going to do everything I can to make sure you people work in coal for the rest of your lives. And your kids will work in coal and your grandkids. It’s going to be incredible.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Mr. President, thank you so much, but all we want are good jobs. They don’t have to be in coal.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Sorry, hombre, it’s all coal. In Trump’s American, men work in two places. Coal mines and Goldman Sachs. Therefore, I’m cutting all jobs killing regulations. I’m proud to announce that as of today, your coal mines will have no regulations. None. It’s a free-for-all. How about you? are you glad that I bombed Syria?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, yeah. I guess so Mr. President. But I actually wanna talk about Obamacare. Since I signed up, my premiums have gone up and I have to drive 90 minutes to see a doctor. I know you tried your best to fix it but you just couldn’t.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You mean Paul Ryan couldn’t. I did everything I could. I made phone calls, I jumped into a truck and I posed for pictures. I went, “Honk! Honk!” But I won’t give up. I am talking with the freedom caucus and we are going to get rid of it.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: You’re going to get rid of my healthcare? Like, all of it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: All of it. Gone! After we are done, you will never have to drive to see a doctor again. How does that sound? That’s great, right? Isn’t that great?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well, I trust your judgement, sir. There must be some reason you are a billionaire.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: See? We think exactly alike, I say quietly to myself. Sometimes quietly to myself. All the time actually, there must be some reason I’m a billionaire. Who is next? How about you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi, sir. I want to talk about my wife who is addicted to pain killers.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Susan Rice? Put her in jail, right?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I’m not sure who that is. I work in union but my wife won’t move because she is in a federally sponsored drug rehab program an hour away.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrible. This is the exact problem I’m having. My wife doesn’t wanna move either. So, she lives 200miles away. It’s costing the federal government millions of dollars. It’s nuts. Am I right? But she says she loves her own bed. Wives can be crazy. Am I right? They can be crazy.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I feel you, sir. But like I was saying, my wife stays because of the federal rehab program.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, don’t worry about that, okay? Coz, we’re gonna get rid of it.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: You’re getting rid of it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes. Junking it. Junked! Now she can live wherever she wants. Did I make you feel better now?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I’m nor sure, but I voted for you and your are my president.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: See? That’s why I came here. You stand by me no matter what. It’s like you found a finger in your chili and still eat the chili because you don’t know how much you love chili. It’s tremendous. Who else? How about you?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Thank you for coming. I guess I wanted to talk about my own child who is in an after school program.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Junked!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Great. I work two jobs for minimum wage.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Minimum wage, gone. Gone.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Perfect. It’s just we can’t afford a new house because my mortgage is under water.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: We’re getting rid of that. We’re getting rid of that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: My mortgage?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. Your house. Junked.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And we can’t even drink our own water because there is lead in it.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. We’re going to keep that. We’re going to keep that one. Are we cool? You still love Trump?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re my president!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, you’re blowing my mind. Okay, keep eating that finger chili. I think you can hear my helicopter right now. Remember that I’m one of you and live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

The O’Reilly Factor with Donald Trump

Bill O’Reilly… Alec Baldwin

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Malia Zimmerman… Cecily Strong

[Starts with the O’Reilly Factor intro] [Cut to Bill O’Reilly in his set]

Bill O’Reilly: Caution! You’re about to enter the no spin zone, ‘The Factor’, begins right now.

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro] [Cut to Bill O’Reilly in his set]

Hi, I’m Bill O’Reilly. I hope your’e having a terrific evening. The subject of tonight’s talking point’s memo is a scandal everyone’s talking about all week. A scandal no one thought I would have the guts to address head on, but the shocking allegations of abuse of power has been leveled against Obama.

Let’s bring in FOX News investigator reporter Laurie Dhue with an update. [pause] [listens to his ear-piece] What’s that? Laurie no longer works for the company? Did she get the check? Okay, fine.

I’m told we do have FOX News analyst Malia Zimmerman who is normally in studio, but is now reporting live via satellite from exactly 500 yards away. [Cut to Malia Zimmerman] Malia, great to have you.

Malia Zimmerman: Um-hmm.

Bill O’Reilly: Malia, you spoke to former Obama Security Adviser Susan Rice and you told her I believe she illegally leaked the names of Trump’s people to the media. Correct?

Malia Zimmerman: Yes. And she denied it.

Bill O’Reilly: So, you asked her point blank and she said–?

Malia Zimmerman: No.

Bill O’Reilly: Okay. But when she said no, what was her vibe?

Malia Zimmerman: Her vibe?

Bill O’Reilly: Yeah. Like, when she said no, did her eyes say yes? Sometimes they do that.

Malia Zimmerman: No, they just said no.

Bill O’Reilly: Okay, but, was it a firm no or like–

Malia Zimmerman: Oh, man! [talking to her team] Can we do that think we talked about?

[Malia Zimmerman’s face is blurred]

Bill O’Reilly: Alright, terrific reporting, Malia.

Malia Zimmerman: [voice changed] Thanks for having me, Bill.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: We’re gonna take a quick break. [stays silent for a while] As you know, 60 of our sponsors have pulled ads from the program. No words as to why yet. We thank the following sponsors for sticking with us.

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro]

Male voice: The O’Reilly Factor is brought to you by, Dog Cocaine. [Cut to picture of a dog sniffing cofaine] Turns out, you can teach dogs new tricks. And one of them is doing cocaine.

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro] And the O’Reilly Factor is also sponsored by [Cut to Eliquis tablet] prescription strength, Eliquis. it’s Cialis for horses! Get your horses boned up and see what happens! With Eliquis, the official horse aphrodisiac of ‘The Factor’. [Picture changes to poster of the movie ‘Chips’.] And finally, the movie Chips. Chips, Oops!

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro]

Bill O’Reilly: Very proud of all of our sponsors. Now this is hard for me to discuss, but I also have been in the news this week. Apparently, several women have come forward and accused me of offering them exciting opportunities here at FOX News. Beyond that, the details are a bit fuzzy, but one man brave enough to come to my defense. A man who is unimpeachable on all female issues, now is here tonight. People, please welcome the president of the United States, Donald Trump.

[Cut to split screen of Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. Hello everyone. Good evening, Bill. It’s so wonderful to be here on the Factor. I’m a big fan.

Bill O’Reilly: I’m a big fan as well and it’s an honor to have you here. And can I just say Mr. President, you look even better on TV.

Donald Trump: I know. I do. I look fantastic and can I tell you something, I actually see a lot of myself in you, Bill.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: Thank you, Mr. President. And thank you for coming to my defense last week even though no one asked you to. And you even went as far as saying “Bill O’Reilly did nothing wrong.”

[Cut to split screen of Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s correct.

Bill O’Reilly: That’s based upon?

Donald Trump: Hunch. Just a loose hunch.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: So, you are not familiar with the facts of the case?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, I’m more familiar with this case than, say, healthcare, but I didn’t really look into it much, no. I was too busy being super presidential by bombing a bunch of [bleep].

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: Well, I deeply appreciate your support on behalf of all women and I’d like thank you, Donald Trump, for promoting sexual assault awareness month.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s right, Bill. It’s a subject near and dear to my hand.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: Well, thank you for stopping by ‘The Factor’, Mr. President. Keep up the good work.

[Cut to split screen of Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, is that a joke?

Bill O’Reilly: Excuse me.

Donald Trump: A lot of people have been saying, “Keep up the good work” but then I found it was a joke.

Bill O’Reilly: I was not making a joke, Mr. President. I promise.

Donald Trump: [sign] I’m back, baby.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: [clearing throat] Don’t forget to check out my hit book, ‘Old School, Life in the Sane Lane.” It’s about having terrific great morals and values and couldn’t have  come at a better time. I’m Bill O’Reilly. Thanks for watching ‘The Factor’.

[The End]

The Lawyer

Vanessa Bayer

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Douglas… Louis C.K.

Bailiff… Leslie Jones

Georgy Sharpe… Pete Davidson

Mr. Bird… Alex Moffat

Jury… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Vanessa making her statement in the court]

Vanessa: So there you have it. My client was five miles away from that bar playing poker with his friend, Mr. Bird, the night of murder. Yeah. That’s it. I rest my case.

Judge: Alright, Jurors. You’ve heard opening statements from both the defense and the prosecution. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness.

[Mr. Douglas stands]

Mr. Douglas: The prosecution calls Gregory Sharpe to the stand.

Judge: Hold on. Excuse me, Mr. Douglas. Has anyone ever told you that– well, frankly, you have the most beautiful eyelashes. [Mr. Douglas has long eyelashes]

Mr. Douglas: Thank you, your honor.

Judge: I mean, this can’t be the first time you’re hearing this, right?

Mr. Douglas: [laughing] It’s not, your honor.

Judge: Wow. What a pickle to be you, huh? Walking around town, bringing spring wherever you go.

Vanessa: Your honor, can we call the witness please?

Judge: Of course. Bailiff.

[Bailiff walks to Georgy Sharpe with a bible]

Bailiff:

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. I’ll tell the truth.

[Mr. Douglas walks forward]

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe, where were you on the night of the 7th?

Georgy Sharpe: Well, like I told the cops, it was poker night. And I was playing poker with my buddies.

Mr. Douglas: Including Mr. Bird?

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. He was there.

Mr. Douglas: So, you’re going to look me in the eye, these eyes, [pointing at his eyes with long eyelashes and smiling] and tell me he was with you that night? All night?

[Georgy Sharpe gets nervous]

Georgy Sharpe: Um, it was the poker.

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe. Was it then?

Georgy Sharpe: [smiling] What do you want me to say?

Mr. Douglas: [smiling at Georgy Sharpe] I want you to look at me.

Georgy Sharpe: Come on, man.

Mr. Douglas: And tell me the truth. Boop! [pokes Georgy Sharpe’s nose]

Georgy Sharpe: He wasn’t with me. And he’s always talking about killing people.

Mr. Bird: Come on! Man!

Mr. Douglas: No further questions.

Vanessa: Okay. Objection. What is this with the eyelashes? I’m appalled by the prosecution here.

Judge: Appalled or jealous?

Vanessa: Appalled. This is not fair.

Judge: Fine. The jury will do their best not to be influenced by the prosecution’s gorgeous, inviting lashes. And they will also disregard the fact that the defense’s lashes are clumpy and unremarkable.

Vanessa: Fine. Thank you. [Vanessa walks forward] Mr. Sharpe, when you were initially questioned by police, you stated that Mr. Bird joined you for poker night at your apartment. [A jury is looking at Mr. Douglas all mexmerized] In fact, he came to your place early to help you get up. You even had leftover beers you brought that night. Now, I’m sorry but–

Jury: [yelling looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] My god!

Vanessa: Okay. Now, he is directly influencing the jury.

Mr. Douglas: That’s ridiculous, your honor. Permission to approach the bench?

Judge: Oh, I would like the very, very much.

[Vanessa and Mr. Douglas walk forward]

Oh, both of you.

Vanessa: I can get you disbarred for this, manipulating a jury. [Mr. Douglas is blinking his eyes and looking at Vanessa] I’ve never seen someone so blatantly disregard– [Mr. Douglas is influencing Vanessa too] So blatantly disregard protocol in such a– Oh, my! [The air is blowing on Vanessa’s hair] There’s something about you. [Mr. Bird stands quietly and flees while everyone is looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] Maybe it’s your unorthodox methods. Maybe it’s the way you carry yourself or–

[Mr. Douglas looks at the camera and the video pauses]

Female voice: Maybelline, New York.

Tenement Museum

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Michael… Louis C.K.

Ava… Kate McKinnon

1913Thompson

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Guide guiding a  group in museum]

Guide: Okay, squeeze on in here, guys. Our next top on the Tenement Museum tour is this apartment which appears exactly as it would have in nineteenthirteen.

Teacher: Okay, pay attention, guys. Some of this is going to be on the quiz.

Guide: Alright, this was the home of the Linzowsky’s, a working class family from Poland. And to help us understand what it was like for them in the strange new land of America, a group of historically trained actors will be joining us to being the Linzwsky’s back to life. In fact, I think I hear them now.

[Two actors walk in]

Michael: Oh, my darling, Ava. For 16 hours today, I break my hands in factory. I can afford to bring a cabbage home for soup. We should have stayed in Poland.

Ava: Michael, our bellies will have to be filled with love. Food will be a luxury for the next generation.

Teacher: Aw, they came here for their children.

Michael: I wish I could bring home more money, Ava. [cheers and applause] But there are no good jobs. They have all been taken by the filthy greasy Italians.

[1913is making angry face.]

Ava: Michael. Shame on you. It is not their fault that they are greasy meatball eating crotch cravers.

Teacher: You know. I’m not sure this is okay for my students to hear.

Guide: Oh, no. I assure you. This conversation is 100% historically accurate.

Ava: Michael, I don’t like to see you upset over the Italians, who everyone knows are not even real white people. Please, relax. [Michael sits on a chair and Ava puts two plates before them] Sit. Eat.

Guide: Now look at the bowls Mrs. Lindowsky is using. Something like that would be treasured family heirloom.

Kenan: Um, cool. Um, what’s up with the Italian stuff?

Guide: Hey, bud, let’s wait until the end of the scene for questions.

Michael: Ama, let me ask you a question. Do you know how to brain wash an Italian?

Ava: How, Michael?

Michael: You give him an enema.

Ava: Um. That makes sense. And Michael, do you know why Italy is shaped like a boot?

Michael: Why, my love?

Ava: Do you think they can fit that much crap into a shoe?

Michael: That is very true, really.

Teacher: Um, are they just telling Italian jokes?

Guide: No.

Kenan: Yes.

Michael: But I must go now or I will be late for my night shift at the factory.

[Michael and Ava hug each other]

Ava: You work so hard, Michael.

Michael: Yes. I work hard in factory so that some day our children will be the boss of factory. And then, we will hire half wit, goon, rat faced Italians and work them to death at the machines. This is my dream.

[Ava is crying]

Guide: [clapping] Amazing. Let’s hear it for the Lindowsky’s.

[Students are clapping]

Kenan: Feels kind of weird clapping for that but alright.

Guide: Now, magically the Lindowsky’s can hear you all the way back in nineteenthirteen. So, would anyone like  to ask them a question?

Kyle: Hi. Um, when you say grease ball, is it because the food is greasy or they are?

Teacher: Okay, please don’t answer that.

Guide: Anyone else?

Kenan: I have a question.

Michael: Yes, chocolate face.

Kenan: And you just answered it.

Guide: Actually, I have a question for Mrs. Lindowsky. That contraption there, I don’t know what it is. Could you tell me about it?

Ava: Yes. This is to dry clothes. You put the wet fabric here and you turn and leave it like this. One bedsheet, three hours.

Guide: Wow! Lot harder than just tossing your clothes in the drier, huh?

Michael: But it will not always be this way for my wife. I work hard to save money. And god willing, I will hire chocolate lady to do this for me.

Kenan: [angrily] Nope!

Teacher: Yeah. We’re leaving. Let’s go.

Soda Shop

Connie… Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Louise… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Sam… Louis C.K.

Johnny… Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with girls walking into a soda shop]

Connie: Gee, gang, that math test was the bees knees.

Vanessa: Honey, you’re such a nerd. Isn’t Connie a nerd, Louise? Louise?

Louise: Oh, sorry. I wasn’t listening. I was moping.

Aidy: Louise, are you still upset about not getting asked to dance.

Vanessa: We know what will make you feel better.

Aidy: Hey, Sam, how about a root beer float? We got someone down in the dumps.

Sam: Sure thing, girls. But speaking of ice cream, what’s the scoop? Who is the pouty penny?

Louise: It’s me. I’m the only girl who didn’t get asked to the spring fling bepop and sock hop.

Sam: Well, sounds to me like those boys are making a whooper of a mistake. I’m gonna give you an extra scoop of vanilla on the house.

Louise: Aw, thanks Sam. I wish all the boys to be more like you.

Girls: Sam’s the best.

Sam: Well, heck, if I were 20 years younger, I would ask you myself. I mean it. And geez, I’d even ask you right now, the age I am right now.

Louise: Ha-ha, Sam. Very funny.

Connie: Sam tells the best jokes.

Sam: Ha-ha-ha. So, what do you say?

Louise: To what, Sam?

Sam: The dance. Are we doing it or what?

Louise: The spring fling, Sam?

Aidy: Ha-ha. That’s for teenagers, Sam.

Sam: Well, then wouldn’t it wow the crowd to show up with an older man on your arm?

Vanessa: I would go with Sam if he asked me.

Sam: Well, I didn’t ask you, stupid. I asked Louise.

Louise: Sam, you’re being awfully nice, but I wanted to go to the dance in a normal way, like with a boy my age instead of an older married man.

Sam: [laughing] Married? Please. The next time I kiss my wife will be at her funeral.

Louise: Neato, Sam.

Sam: Hey, you know what would be fun if we did a test run?

Louise: Of what?

Sam: Our date.

Louise: We’re still talking about that?

Sam: Well, sure. Let’s pretend that this booth over here is a car. [Sam pulls Louise and puts her in a booth with him.] Just for pretend.

Louise: You sure are cookie, Sam.

Vanessa: Hey, this is fun. Can we be a part of the scene?

Sam: No, so shut up.

[Sam is pretending like he’s driving]

Louise: Sam, this is nice and all. But…

Sam: Wait. Get down, Louise. [pretending like he’s shooting people outside the car] Bang, bang. Did you see that?

Louise: What?

Sam: I killed two people.

Louise: Why? Why did you do that?

Sam: Well, I didn’t like they way they were talking about you. They were saying stuff like, “Louise thinks she is better than all of us now that she has fallen in love with a married man and I hear they are running way to get married some place where the rules are different.”

Louise: Okay. Thank you, Sam, but I would like to get out of the car now.

Sam: You can’t. We are in a tunnel.

Aidy: Where is there a tunnel on the way to school?

Connie: I don’t think he’s taking her to school.

[Johnny walks in]

Johnny: Louise, I have been looking all over for you.

Louise: For me? Why, Johnny?

Johnny: Well, coz I’ve been trying to do this. Louie Marie Conolioly, will you be my date for the spring fling?

Louise: Oh, Johnny, of course I will

[Sam stands]

Sam: So, um, what does that mean for me?

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Connie? I made dinner and you are here at the pervert’s soda shop?

Vanessa: Um, Louie made us come. She always makes us come here because she knows Sam is going to make inappropriate sexual advances towards her.

Louise: It’s a game I like. I like knowing that I could get Sam in big trouble for the things he says, but he does it anyway. Makes me feel powerful. I know it sounds silly, but I do want to be a dominatrix when I grow up so it’s not as hair brained as it sounds. Anyway, [holds Johnny’s hands] see you, Sam.

[Everyone walks out]

Sam: OH, well, I guess it’s just you dancing alone again tonight, Sam.

[Sam hits the glass in Jukebox and cuts his hand]

Oh, I cut the heck out of my hand.

Sectionals

Louis C.K.

[Starts with a picture of horses running]

Man: So long as men can breathe for I can see,
so long lives this and this gives life to thee

[Cut to Man standing in front of a huge leather couch]

Sectional couches. [music playing] When I was a little boy, my grandmother bought mea new couch. And I looked at it and I said, where is the rest of it? And that is the first of many stories you’re going to hear. This is going to be long. What if I told you that where most people’s couches end, your can bend and keep going?

[Cut to video clips of different L shaped couches]

Wow! Kingly. Nothing like it. Legend has it that in ancient Rome, the emperor asked for a very long couch. One that would stretch to infinity. [Cut to Man] When they built the couch, he gazed at it powerfully and said, “Well, that’s not going to fit.” So, they put a bend in it, and they built it in sections.

[Cut to a woman singing sitting on a couch] [Cut to Man]

Hi. [Cut to a couch set] This one’s called ‘Bad Lands’. God only knows what it’s stuck with. Each like bouff unfolding and unfolding for eternity.

[Cut to another couch set] This one’s called ‘The Gathering’. It looks like elephants gathered for an important reason. It has phone chargers and electricity runs through it.

[Cut to another couch set] Rest your tired head on this bosom of this robust goddess, ‘Drink of milk!’ If you don’t have this one, let me ask you a question. [Cut to Man] What are you doing? These are all made on earth. But all these couches are nothing compared to what I’m going to talk about right now. Listen to me speak. There was a woman named Barb somewhere in Racine, Wisconsin. She went to a couch store and she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a couch]

Barb: Bigger!

[Cut to Man]

Man: So, they showed her a bigger one and she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a bigger couch.]

Barb: No! Bigger!

[Cut to Man]

Man: And they showed Barb a couch bigger than any other thing on Earth! And she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a couch]

Barb: Yes! Yes! I’ll take it!

[Cut to Man sitting on the same couch]

Man: This piece is called ‘The Nexus.’ It is the eye of the storm. The rest of the Sectional is born from this point, and that is how they’re made. Period!

I used to have a family. I would sit on a couch here, then they on a couch there. And I longed to connect with them. So, I bought a Sectional. Then I bought another and another. Then a warehouse to store them, and a storefront to show people what they are. Some would come in and ask, “How much are they?” And I would reply, “Get out of my property. These are not for sale.” I got this air time to say, “Please, leave me alone with my Sectionals.” This is not a commercial. Goodnight!

Male voice: Sectional Sofa Emporium, eighttwofivenine, Soda Street. Not open to the public. Not a business.

Pepsi Commercial

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

Director… Beck Bennett

Kendall Jenner… Cecily Strong

[Starts with shooting for Pepsi commercial.]

Kenny:  And that’s a cut on rehearsal. Let’s be ready to roll in five. How is it going, Mr. Director?

Director: Good. Good. I’m really excited.

Kenny: Well, you should be. Writing and directing a commercial for Pepsi. It doesn’t get much bigger than that.

[phone vibrating]

Director: Oh, hey, this is my sister. I gotta get this real quick. [talking on the phone] Carrie, hey. Sorry, I can’t super talk right now. I’m on the set of a huge Pepsi commercial I’m doing. I know, right? It was like, completely my idea, and now they’re doing it. It’s great, yeah. I mean, okay, so well it’s an homage to the resistance and for the huge protests in the streets reminiscent of Black Lives Matter. And so, everybody is marching, right? And they can see police officers and they think it’s gonna go bad because there’s kind if, like, a standoff. And then, Kendall Jenner walks in and she walks up to one of the police officers, And she hands him a Pepsi, and then, that Pepsi brings everybody together. Isn’t that like, the best ad ever? [listening silently] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sort of done deaf.

Kenny: Alright, guys, three minutes away! Three minutes!

Director: I think maybe you just kind of don’t get it. Is Doug there? Can you put him on? Dough! What’s up? Hey, I just want to run this Pepsi commercial by you that I’m doing and make sure you are loving it as much as I am. Um, cool, cool. The whole thing is an homage to resistance and Black Lives Matter. So everybody is marching. And then Kendall Jenner comes up to a police officer and gives him a Pepsi and everybody celebrates. People of every single culture comes toge– Uh-huh. [listening] Uh-huh. No, we’re celebrating these cultures. We’re celebrating black culture. Uh-huh. Cancel hiphop? But we’re also celebrating asian culture. Don’t even play the cello?Mm, mm, mm. Oh, got it. Just kind of using them? Yeah. It’s all soda? Great. It’s gonna be bad.

Kenny: Alright people, 60 seconds till we roll on this man’s singular vision!

Director: Ha-ha. Yes! [talking on phone] Hey, man. Could you put a neighbor on the phone, a black one? Hi, ma’am. Hey, we’re shooting a little Pepsi commercial over here. I want to run it by you and get your opinion on it. Okay, great. So, the whole thing is an homage on Black Lives Matter. Huh? Don’t even touch it? It’d be insane to touch it? Right. Okay. Don’t even show police? [sigh] Yeah. What would you do if you were in my situation? Just run to my car? Okay.

Kenny: Alright, we got to go. People.

Director: Hey, Kenny. Do we have a time for a quick re-write?

Kenny: Hey, no can do, bud. Let’s invite Kendall to set. She has her hard out in 45 seconds.

[Kendall Jenner walks out of her bus]

Kendall Jenner: Okay, bye. I gotta go. I’m on the set of my Pepsi commercial. Um, I stop the police from shooting black people by giving them a Pepsi. I know! It’s cute, right?