Weekend Update Pete Davidson on The Walking Dead Season Finale (ft. Norman Reedus)

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Norman Reedus

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Over a 15 million people tuned in to the hit zombie drama, The Walking Dead this past Sunday. Here to give us a spoiler free recap of that big season 5 finale is our own resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: How is it going, Pete? So, now, what did you think of this big Walking Dead finale?

Pete Davidson: It scared me, Colin. It scared me bad. I’m kind of like freaking out right now.

Colin Jost: You are? Well, just take it easy. I mean, it’s just a show.

Pete Davidson: Is it? Or is it a glimpse of our near future? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes I smoke a little weed.

[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah, yeah. We know. Because we have noses.

Pete Davidson: Ah! Then you see my problem. [Cut to Pete Davidson] The zombie apocalypse is coming and odds are I’m gonna be stoned when it happens. Especially if it happens during the hours of day time or night time. So, this is not gonna go well. First off, it will probably take me hours… for me to even notice what’s going on. I’ll be like, “Wow. Ms. Kar Michael from downstairs can’t keep her hands off me today. But hold up. Isn’t she like, 88? And hold up, didn’t she like used to have a jaw? And hey, remember jawbreakers? I love that candy. Candy, sugary sweet.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost. Colin Jost is clueless.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And then what happens?

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. That’s the problem. I’ll probably be wandering around in search of candy and I’ll stagger in to like, some survivor’s camp, and then they’re gonna shoot me, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, they’re not gonna shoot you.

Pete Davidson: When I’m high, it’s really easy to mistake me for a zombie, you know? [Cut to Pete Davidson] My eyes are glazed and bloodshot. I’m sluggish. I’m hunched over and shuffling coz that’s how I walk normally.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you know Pete, if you’re that worried about it, you could always just stop smoking pot.

Pete Davidson: I came to you for help, Colin. Alright? There’s a zombie apocalypse going on and you’re being a real ass.

Colin Jost: Well, I think you’re being kind of paranoid. And honestly, I have to ask, did you smoke a little before you came out here? Is that what happened?

Pete Davidson: [smiles] Maybe! Are you wearing three different kinds of hair product?

Colin Jost: Maybe. Listen, there’s nothing to worry about Pete. Okay? I’m sure you would never be mistaken for a zombie.

[Pete Davidson turns towards Colin Jost]

Pete Davidson: Really? You sure?

Colin Jost: Yes, sure. I’m positive.

Pete Davidson: Coz I’m like, really worried about it. I hope not–

Colin Jost: Absolutely. I think you’re totally fine.

[Pete Davidson gets shot by an arrow.]

Pete Davidson: Ouch!

[Norman Reedus walks in]

Norman Reedus: Don’t worry, don’t worry! [talking to Colin] You gotta be careful buddy, he was about to go for your throat.

Colin Jost: No, no, no. Daryl Dixon, he’s not a zombie.

Norman Reedus: Really?

Colin Jost: Ya.

Norman Reedus: What about this complexion? Ain’t no living thing got that color. And he’s so slow moving. I’m confused.

Pete Davidson: It’s just good weed, man!

Norman Reedus: So, wait a minute. You telling me I just shot an ordinary person?

Colin Jost: Ya!

Norman Reedus: Huh! What about that dude in the elevator?

Colin Jost: Where in the elevator?

Norman Reedus: Never mind.

Pete Davidson: I’d just like to point out that there’s an arrow in my chest. And I feel no pain coz this weed is fire!

Norman Reedus: You’re gonna be fine, buddy! Come on, walk it off.

Pete Davidson: Ay, you’re the dude from The Boondock Saints!

Norman Reedus: And you’re the dude who’s gonna show me where that weed is. Come on!

Colin Jost: Yeah! Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus, everyone!

[Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus leave]

Weekend Update Jebidiah Atkinson Reviews Television Shows

Michael Che

Jebidia Atkinson… Taran Killam

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New seasons of the critically acclaimed series Mad Men and the Game of Thrones will begin soon. And many are saying we are in a golden age of television. Here with his reviews of some of these hit shows is a man who has been around longer than TV itself, 1860s newspaper critic, Jebidia Atkinson.

[Jebidia Atkinson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Jebidia Atkinson: Thank you Michael, for that [sarcastically] enthusiastic introduction. So good to be back.

Michael Che: So, Jebidia, have you been keeping up with all these big TV shows?

Jebidia Atkinson: Of course I have, Michael. And as always, you’ll find my reviews to be perfectly moderate and totally rational.

Michael Che: You know, I was worried about that.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

Jebidia Atkinson: [clears throat] [yellng] All TV is excument. Mad Men, the most likeable character in this show is cigarettes. Hey AMC, if I wanted to know what life is like in the 1960s, I’d move to Indiana. Oh! I’ve been around a long time, it’s never been a great state.

Game of Thrones, oh great! A softcore porn with 100 hours of back story. At least in porn, you know how it’s gonna finish. Oh, and George R. R. Martin, you better hurry up and write those books, because from the look of you, winter is coming.

And House of Cards. The only thing lazier than the writing is Kevin Spacey’s attempt to solve the accent. Uh! And when he makes those turns to camera, I haven’t witnesses shots that jarring since the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Wait, Jebidia. You were at the even that started World War I?

Jebidia Atkinson: Of course I was, Michael. But I prefer the sequel.

Michael Che: Come on! Jebi–

Jebidia Atkinson: Oh, what? World War II wasn’t a better war?

Michael Che: That’s pretty harsh, man! There must be some shows that you do like.

Jebidia Atkinson: [yelling] I haven’t liked any television ever! [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] It’s been 80 years of mind-poisoning rrrefuse, and I’ve rrrrreviewed it all! Herrrrre. Refuse from the archives.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m listening.

Jebidia Atkinson: Thanks. [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] I want your full attention, Michael. The West Wing, the best lines on that show are the ones that went up Sorkin’s nose. Next! [Jebidia Atkinson throws the flash card he has.]

Good distance on that one.

Cheers, where everybody knows your name, from the AA meetings. Next!

Oh, and Lost! Sure it started out good, but I haven’t seen a final season that bad since Joe Paterno’s.

Oh! Oh! Oh! If you don’t like that joke, just do as Joe did in “Turn A Blind Eye”.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on! You don’t like anything on TV? What about like a classic comedy? Like Seinfeld?

Jebidia Atkinson: Ah! Seinfeld. I’d rather watch Michael Richards do stand up at the Apollo. [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] That’s right. I haven’t forgiven him yet. Hey Kramer, I can say an N word too… Next! [Jebidia Atkinson throws the flash card he has.] Keep that for souvenir.

Saturday Night Live. The same tired characters repeating the same tired catch phrases. Next!

The Honeymooners. A greedy depiction of a bus driver from the slums who abuses his wife. It’s a comedy? [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che] And who is the genius who said, “Oh, this is great. Let’s turn it into a cartoon, set it in the stone age when women had it even harder time?”

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

And now, we come to the worst television show of all time, I Love Lucy. But I don’t think I should do this joke after the audience rioted over the Paterno joke.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You know what? I don’t think you should–

Jebidia Atkinson: [interrupting and yelling] Well, I’m going to, Michael! It’s my thing.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

I Love Lucy. Hey, Lucy, you got some explaining to do like why you’d stay married to a man who rafted over from Cuba just to crush your dreams? They should have called this show, “I Love Lucy’s Ability To Get Me A Green Card.”

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Jebidia Atkinson, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.