Whiskers R’ We

Barbara DeDrew … Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of Whiskers R’ We store.] [Cut to Kate in her home]

Barbara DeDrew: Cats. A cat is a smile with hair. A cat is a friend who can’t stand up. A cat is a friend who has babies in your hamper. Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew, owner and proprieter of Whiskers R’ We, cat rescue, now online, coz when you’re in quarantine, everyday is Caturday. [giggling]

Since the lockdown, people have been adopting cats at a record rate, meaning the only ones left are real bottom of the barrel nobodies. Let’s meet today’s fee line up.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Rex. Rex is a simple alley cat because all he alley (all he) wants is belly rubs.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Marbles. Marbles keep saying she’s been furloughed but the only job she ever had was licking her ass in the sun. What a jerk.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This little is called Dr. Anthony Meow-ci, because of his curious nature and because I’d have sex with him in a heart beat.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is Coco. She’s a rare havana brown. But most of the time, you can find her having a brown in her litter box.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.] [looking at the cat] I know you hate this. I know you didn’t want to be in the commercial. But my small business loan didn’t go through. It went to shake shack. So, please, try harder. Please.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is a Brazilian shorthair which is ironic because she’s a mess down there. I know we’re quarantined but jeez, please have some self-respect.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is called Baxter and he’s got a pretty little secret. He’s really into bdsm. Bitin’ Dem’ Silly Mice.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.] [talking to the cat] Are you even trying? You told me you went to NYU drama school but you’re giving me nothing. Nothing at all. Please try harder.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

We call this cat Boots because of the markings on her feet and because she’s a dominatrix specializing in split play and ding dong punishment.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.] [talking to the cat] Well, we’re all depressed but sometimes just showing up and doing what you can do is enough. You know?

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Justice Cat-anaugh. Don’t get me started on how much he likes to drink beer. He’s out of control.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Felin-ona Apple. She waits 10 years to drop an album. And by album, I mean poop.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.] [talking to the cat] What do you mean you think you’re pregnant? How is it even possible? Oh, for god’s sake, don’t mention it during the commercial. Please.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat. The cat’s face is covered by a mask.]

This is Allan. He’s not wearing a mask because of the virus. He’s wearing one because his teeth are [bleep] up.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is an organ donor. But the way she drinks, nobody’s gonna want that liver.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.] [talking to the cat] What do you mean you don’t want to get adopted? You want to stay here with me? Well, that was never part of the deal. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

So, visit Whiskers R’ We online today. We now do curbside delivery. Order one cat and we’ll leave 10 to 15 on your porch. Except maybe this one. [showing a cat]

What’s My Name?

Rob Mooney

[Starts with a bunch of guys in a house party]

Man: I need another drink.

Man: Yeah, me too. Let’s get one.

[Cut to Rob in the kitchen]

Man: Just be yourself. That’s the way I’ve always felt.

Man: I’d love for you to come over sometime and I’d love to cook for you.

[Cut to Rob knocking a door]

Male voice: Somebody’s in here.

Rob: Okay.

[Rob walks pass the hallway. He runs into Tommy.]

RobTommy: Hey, Rob. What’s going on, man?

Rob: Oh, hey, man. Um, not much.

RobTommy: Wait. Do you not remember me? We met a bunch of times.

Rob: No, no. I know. Um, how’s it hanging?

RobTommy: You seriously don’t recognize me.

Rob: No, I do.

RobTommy: What’s my name?

Rob: What?

RobTommy: What’s my name?

[Cut to the music video of Rob]

Rob: [singing] Why is this happening to me
supposed to be a friendly party
and now I’m forced to search my brain
why would he ask to say his name?

How’s he so bold and confident
this is not how you make a friend
I’m looking at him for some kind of hint
maybe he’ll reintroduce himself again

But that’s not this guy, he’s gonna teach me a lesson
it’s fun to make me feel so small
he firmly believes he made a big impression
and his face is known by all

Yeah, you put me on the spot, you put me on the spot
and that stinks, it really stinks that you did that
you put me on the spot, you put me on the spot
that’s so weird, it’s kind of weird that you did that

I don’t know his name but it’s too late to confess it
I guess I’ll just have to guess it

[Cut back to Rob and Tommy.]

Rob: Is it Tommy?

RobTommy: What’s that?

Rob: Tommy?

RobTommy: Yep, you got it.

[Cut to Rob’s music video]

Rob: [singing] Yes! I can’t believe that I got it right
we’re gonna have fun tonight
now my only problem is
I’m starting to disappear

[Cut back to Rob and Tommy.]

RobTommy: Hey, man. You’re like, kind of starting to fade away.

Rob: Yes. [he is fading away] I am. That’s not how I expected the party to end. Can you let Katie know I had a great time?

RobTommy: Yeah. No problem.

[Cut to Rob’s music video]

Rob: [singing] I hope he doesn’t forget to tell Katie

[Rob disappears from the music video too.]

What Up With That- At Home

Charles Barkley

DJ Khalid

DeAndre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Backup singers… Ego Nwodim, Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s Up With That?” intro] [music playing]

Backup singers: [singing] Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

Male voice: It’s “What’s Up With That?” at home. Taking on the issues of today with soul tonight, hall of famer, Charles Barkley, the great DJ Khalid, and Lindsey Buckingham. Here’s your host, DeAndre Cole.

DeAndre Cole: Woke up this morning then I got out of bed
had a bigger cup of coffee to clear my head

been home for a while and that’s where I’m at
but we can still jam on “What’s up with that?”

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up with that? yuu, oh, yeah

Wow! Yeah! Thank you all for joining us on “What’s Up With That?” where we’re going to learn how to stay safe at home. Now, our guests are very busy. So, I brought along this timer [a timer pops on the screen] to make sure that we don’t keep him too long. Ha-ha-ha. We’re going to talk about social distance.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.]

Gonna talk persistence
[Bass starts playing] [singing] COVID resistance
It’s gonna be fantastic, boombastic
galactic, elastic
emphatic, spastic
fancy fantastic

[Charles Berkley and DJ Khalid are clueless]

Everybody sing

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that? yeah

Whoo! Alright. We are so lucky to have Mr. Charles Barkley who is in new documentary on Michael Jordan.

Charles Barkley: I’m not gonna lie. This is weird.

DeAndre Cole: It is. Now, Charles, everybody is talking about this new Michael Jordan documentary and you played against Michael in the 1993 finals and you were on the dream team. What was that like?

Charles Barkley: It was special. And a documentary is excellent.

DeAndre Cole: Um-hmm.

Charles Barkley: But it doesn’t show everything. Let me tell you about something that’s not in there.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.] [Charles and DeAndre Cole are looking around]

DeAndre Cole: Go ahead.

[Bass starts playing]

Charles Barkley: Okay. Like I was saying, I played with Michael and all his guys. There are incredible stories people still don’t know.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Incredible stories

Charles Barkley: Right. And you might actually hear them if you would let me talk please.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Letting you talk now

Charles Barkley: No, you’re not. Which is a shame. I’m trying to tell you about the one time me and Michael Jordan–

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Jordan was the greatest
and I got to say

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, joining us remotely, the sexy siren of social distancing, Quarantina.

[Quarantina is singing in home drinking wine]

Quarantina: [singing] Merlot for one
tonight I toast only these

merlot for one
it’s a soul of merlot to believe

so go to your parties
and have all your fun
go to your spring breaks
and dance in the sun

I’ll be right here
and that only begun
with my merlot for one

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]

Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, a special appearance by Howie Hot Wheels and the lego Kid.

[Howie and lego kid are dancing]

Go Howie, go Howie, go lego, go lego

[DJ Khalid starts dancing] get speedy, get speedy, get crazy, it’s your birthday

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that
now will somebody please come to my house and teach my damn kids?

Yes!

Whoo! Alright. Well, folks my kids got to use the laptop that we rented from the local library for the online schooling. Ha-ha. But I want to thank Charles Barkley for being here.

Charles Barkley: That’s it? Whatever!

DeAndre Cole: And thank you to the one and only DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Well, I guess that was another one.

DeAndre Cole: And Lindsey Buckingham. Oh, man, I know we haven’t let you talk on any episode for the past 10 years. Lindsey? Lindsey? [Lindsey Buckingham’s connection is lost.] Oh! Well, that’s too bad. Well, thank you for trying anyway, Lindsey. How about I wave to you from my car on your birthday? Yeah. Just look out for 25 Buick Lesabre. Alright, until next time.

[drums roll] [singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

Weekend Update Home Edition- Trump Suggests Injecting Disinfectant

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes.]

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update, home edition.. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left side.]

Colin Jost: Well, you know things are going well when “Don’g drink bleach” is trending nationally after a president’s speech. After a doctor said that coronavirus dies quickly in the sunlight, president Trump asked if they could bring the light inside the body. I’m pretty sure bring the light inside the body is what they chanted at Jones town before drinking poison. Then president clean suggested injecting disinfectant into your body to cure the virus. Experts call the idea “A stroke of genius,” minus the “Of genius” part.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right side.]

Michael Che: Trump laid a backtrack and said he was just being sarcastic which is just what you say when you know you’ve said something terrible. And you know Colin, speaking of terrible, you know how when a kid has really bad parents, somebody steps in and they have to go live with another family, right?.

Colin Jost: Sure.

Michael Che: You think it’s possible another country could come take custody of us, maybe? I mean, just until our government gets back on its feet. Somewhere stable like, Germany or Japan or Nigeria. Or even Iraq. I’ll take Iraq now. Don’t they owe us a favor anyway? Didn’t we like, kill their dad when they were in trouble? I’m being sarcastic, obviously.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: A man in Ohio was seen protesting ‘stay-at-home’ orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Said the man, “We need to re-open the [makes pressure sound] eeeeee-conomy. And fun fact, if American flag and a diaper are struck by lightening, they create a Shawn Hannity.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a protester with a gun at right side.]

Michael Che: You know, it’s funny that all the people protesting the stay-at-home order live in places where there’s nowhere to go anyway. I mean, I get why like, Vegas or Miami would want to open up. I mean, cocaine ain’t going to cut itself. But if you’re protesting in rural Texas or South Carolina, where else would you even be, Earl? Besides Walmart and your basement which is pretty much still open. Also, who are all these guns supposed to scare? The virus? The nurses? The police? It’s crazy now these red necks– excuse me, red states are always talking that support the troops and blue lives matter [bleep]. But then, they’re so quick to bring out their guns whenever their country wants something from them. I mean, how is that patriotic? That’s like saying, “I love my wife, but I keep a gun under my pillow just in case.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: Texas lieutenant governor Dan Patrick is urging his state to completely reopen saying, “There are more important things than living,” which is actually the slogan for the KFC $20 fill up menu.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: A growing number of anti-vaxxers are changing their minds about vaccinations in the wake of the coronavirus. Because, anit-vaxxers are worried that if they get the virus, they may not get the chance to breastfeed their teenagers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left side.]

Colin Jost: Rudy Giuliani appeared in the FOX News this week and said something so stupid, it was almost presidential. But all I really wanna know is, why does Rudy look like Mickey Rooney in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s?” Is he so mad about coronavirus that he’s actually turning into a racist asian stereotype?

Weekend Update Home Edition- Pete Davidson on Hooking Up During Quarantine

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: And now, joining us over Zoom to explain his experience in the last month is Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, Colin. It’s great to be here in my basement under strict quarantine. I’m not going near my mom or even answering her texts.

Colin Jost: That’s great. How are you guys holding up?

Pete Davidson: We’re good. You know, I haven’t gotten a face tattoo so far. A lot of people lost that bet. But we’re good, you know? The whole family’s family. Thank god everybody’s staying inside.

Colin Jost: Oh, good. Well, I’m glad they’re taking it seriously.

Pete Davidson: Well, me too, coz you have to understand this is Staten Island where up until now, washing your hands before dinner was known as “coming out of the closer.” But I know this is hard for everyone except you. You know, coz you’re locked in a house with Scarlett Johansson. You’re probably terrified they’re find the cure.

Colin Jost: It’s not true, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I know. I know. But still, you’re one of the lucky ones. You know? Everyone who isn’t a flat Earther is isolating at home right now. Which means you’re either having the most sex in your life or you’re like me and can now identify any pornstar by the back of her head. But it turns out people out there are still trying to hook up. I saw where the city even had to put out a pamphlet last month called “Sex and coronavirus 2019.”

Colin Jost: And what does it say?

Pete Davidson: Well, first it says you could have sex, but don’t kiss anyone. I just love that New York has the same policy as the prostitute in “The pretty woman.” I don’t even know if it’s about the disease or if it’s the city saying, “Don’t get involved. You don’t need that right now.” That’s how crazy this pandemic is. We’re learning that those weirdos who have sex in leather masks have been the smart ones all along. Also, it says the virus is not in semen. So, ladies, prepared to get DM’ed that fact a few thousand times this year. But the craziest thing is that right after they tell you not to kiss, they immediately get into something so dirty, I’m not even allowed to say it on air. So, let’s call em’ “Hiney smoocheroos.” Seriously, I can’t believe I have to sanitize the language of the health department to make it suitable for the show that brought you dick in a box. Here, take a look.

[A picture of the pamphlet appears]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What?

Pete Davidson: I know. Even I was like, “Geez, nyc.gov, we just met.” I really hope this started out as a very straight forward set of recommendations with no mention of hiney smoocheroos and one government employee was like, “Oh, so I guess we just don’t exist, huh? It’s 2020, you  polyannas!”

Colin Jost: “Polyannas” is not the reference that I expected.

Pete Davidson: I know.

Colin Jost: Was there anything else in there?

Pete Davidson: Yes, yes. They also warn you to wash up before masturbating. Which I already learned the hard way, thanks to a flaming hot cheetos incident.

Colin Jost: So, do you think the pamphlet went too far?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m glad they’re educating people about safe sex. I just never thought I’d get a semi reading dispatches from the health department. Thanks de Blasio.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m glad you’re staying safe. Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: It’s weird without an audience!

Weekend Update Home Edition- Banksy Makes Bathroom Art

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his home]

Michael Che: Street artist Banksy has posted pictures of an art project created in the bathroom. He’s calling the piece, “Guess what I ate?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whipped strawberry milk at left side.]

Colin Jost: A popular new food item among the people staying at home is whipped strawberry milk. Incidentally, whipped strawberry milk is also Prince Harry’s  drag name.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a woman in stress at right side.]

Michael Che: Psychologists are warning single people stuck at home to resist the urge to get in touch with their exes. Okay, but if I don’t text my exes, how will they know I love them?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a poster of the documentary ‘The Last Dance’ at left side.]

Colin Jost: ESPN has released ‘The Last Dance’ which follows Michael Jordan’s last season with the Chicago Bulls. Unfortunately, the film ignores the important questions like, “Why did Michael Jordan film that Hanes commercial with the Hitler mustache?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lando Lakes logo at right side.]

Michael Che: Lando Lakes butter has removed the native American woman from the landscape on it’s packaging over concerns that the imagery was racist. Unfortunately, they’re replacing her  with the pipeline.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grim reaper at left side.]

Colin Jost: A lawyer in Florida protested the opening of the states beaches by wearing a grim reaper costume and warning people at the beach about getting too close to each other. There was an awkward moment when he bumped into the actual grim reaper who was just making his regular Florida rounds.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture ofKelly Clarkson at right side.]

Michael Che: Kelly Clarkson has released a new song called “I dare you” in six different languages. It’s a song that has people all around the world coming together to say, “Eh!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of viagra and an iPhone at left side.]

Colin Jost: A former postal worker was arrested for stealing an iPhone and a thousand viagra tablets. I assume texting people, “I’m up.”

Michael Che: Alright. That’s a 10 year old joke right there. A new study finds that pigeons in New York city are genetically different from pigeons in Boston. It’s actually easy to spot the difference because the Boston pigeons are the ones yelling at black birds to go back to where they came from.

Colin Jost: Just, also, I just want to say before we wrap up tonight, Michael, you’re probably familiar with the ‘all in’ challenge where different people are sort of challenging each other to go through different experiences and invite a fan to join them for an experience. And, you know, that’s a way to raise a lot of money for people in need. And I’m assuming this is something you’d be all in for, don’t you think?

Michael Che: Okay. Yeah, alright. No, sure.

Colin Jost: Well, we’ve actually set up a great– a site on the all in challenge where whoever donates the most money over the next week [Michael Che laughing] will get the change to write a joke that you can tell on our next show without having read it in advance. And it’s gonna be great. Fans are really excited. And, in case they needed sort of any guidelines or maybe an example, we actually sent you a joke tonight that you could read so that all the people who are gonna give generously can know sort of something that they can try. I think in your email, there might just be a joke you could read?

Michael Che: Are you serious?

Colin Jost: And, I think, you know, the nice thing about you agreeing in advance to do this is that it’s gonna raise a lot of money. And I think that’s really what you care about, don’t you think?

Michael Che: Yeah. My god. Alright. Uh, boy. [reading the email] It says here, NASA officials said that it’s possible that the first human sent to Mars could be a woman, so that when the male astronauts show up, dinner will be ready. Oh, god! [laughing]  Well, that just undoes everything I’ve ever done.

Colin Jost: So, guys, very exciting. If you want to donate and get a chance to make Michael Che say something, donate to this link we have below. You can’t click it coz it’s a screen. But, you can look at it and type it like we had to in the old days. [the link is allinchallenge.com/snljoke] So, that’s the link. Check it out. Thank you for your donations. For Weekend Update home edition, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

The Reveal

Detective Sims…Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Debbie… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “The Reveal” intro]

Male voice: In these times, criminal justice is being carried out over Zoom.

[Cut to Zoom video call. There are four participants.]

Detective Sims: Hi, everyone. Detective Sims again. Look, this is not how we normally conduct a murder investigation, but like everyone else, we have to adjust to the new normal.

Bowen: Yes, of course.

Cecily: Happy to help.

Detective Sims: Cool. As you know, you’re all suspects because you attended Dirk Walker Simpson’s pool party on February 15th where he was strangled with somebody’s bikini bottoms. Ha-ha-ha. I’m sorry. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. What a way to go. Anyway, we have a breakthrough on the case and I’ll inform you of that once Debbie Johnson, the final suspect logs in.

Bowen: Yeah. I just want to say. I was nowhere near Dirk when he died. I was in the bathroom desperately shaving my bikini line.

Detective Sims: Alright. We’ll hold off on alibis until Debbie gets here.

[Cecily is humming a song]

Chris: Oh, that’s nice.

Cecily: Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll be quiet.

Chris: No, it’s nice. What is it?

Cecily: Oh, I’m just– I’m humming a little song I wrote. I’m just trying that not to forget the melody.

Bowen: It’s got something.

Detective Sims: You wanna sing it for us?

Cecily: What?

Detective Sims: You might as well. I mean, we’re waiting for Debbie.

Cecily: Wow! Okay. First performance of my new song, no pressure.

[singing] You are the song, I am the moon
we’re always so busy with our jobs in the sky
I wish that we could hug and let love fly
fly, fly

[everyone’s clapping]

Chris: I’m sorry. I did not know Lana Del Rey was a suspect in Dirk Walker Simpson’s murder. To think, that was fire, okay?

Detective Sims: I write songs too. That’s why I was curious to hear it.

Cecily: You do?

Bowen: Yeah. I knew there was something creative about you, detective.

Chris: What genre do you do, man?

Detective Sims: More like, masculine rock. Like, how it used to be.

Bowen: Umm, like Pick-up tTucks and Barbecues?

Detective Sims: Yeah. Ladies On Car Hoods, that sort of thing.

Cecily: Sorry. I’m just wondering if there’s an update on Debbie?

Detective Sims: I emailed her the warrant. She clicked “attending.”

Cecily: Sorry. I was just thinking about our friend that got murdered. It’s okay. Let’s hear the song.

Detective Sims: Might as well sing it, right? I mean, Debbie’s not here.

Bowen: Yeah. Come on. Give it to us.

Detective Sims: [singing] Rare steak, I’m red and raw
and I’m feeling you up like a rare steak

now let me sizzle on your griddle like a rare steak

ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-rare steak

[Debbie has already joined]

Debbie: Sorry, I thought for a second detective Sims was singing.

Detective Sims: I was singing an original called ‘Rare Steak,’ but now that you’re here, let’s get back to the murder investigation. Debbie Johnson, we have security footage proving that you murdered Mr. Walker Simpson.

Debbie: Was the footage any good?

Detective Sims: Not for you. No.

Debbie: Okay. Got you. I’m sorry. Look, Dirk wasn’t exactly one of my favs. I had two wine spritzers and I murdered him. Ha-ha. I’m sorry.

Detective Sims: Oh.

Debbie: Okay, bye-bye.

Detective Sims: I guess she left. Well, we should probably go arrest her. Does anyone wanna her more of ‘Rare Steak’ before we leave?

Cecily: Thank you everybody. Bye.

Chris: Bye. See you later. How do we get out of here?

Bowen: Stop video.

Detective Sims: Well, I’ll just start singing.

[singing] Rare steak, it’s red in the middle
I’m just a little brow on the outside

[Debbie walks back in dancing to the song.]

It’s dripping red and it’s in my mouth
It’s going to down my throat and it’s making me rock

Stuck in the House

Pete Davidson

Adam Sandler

[Music video starts with Pete Davidson in his house]

Pete Davidson: I’m stuck in the quar’, got nothin’ to do
I miss my friends, they miss me too
Sick of watchin’ shows and talkin’ on Zoom
Hiding from my mom, whackin’ in the bathroom
Sick of the same old questions (Old questions)
How’s it goin’? How you livin’?
What you bingin’? What’s for dinner?
Tired of the same repetition (repetition)
Grow a ‘stache, shave your head, work out, that’s for bitches
Tired of all the tomfoolery (Yeah)
Tired of my boy who still wears all his jewelry
Tired of sittin’ in the dark (In the dark)
Got nothin’ to watch, already did Ozark
Hand sani’ is now my best friend (My best friend)
Usin’ it so much it’s chappin’ my hands
I can’t wait for all this to end (Oh, man)
So we can go back to doin’ normal shit

Stuck with my fam, I can’t get out (Yeah)
For like two months been on my couch (Woah)
Runnin’ out of things to talk about (Yeah)
It’s quarantine in my house (Woah)

I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy
I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy, yeah

[Cut to Adan Sandler in his house]

Adam Sandler: I’m done with selfies, so don’t even ask
I’m stayin’ in the house in an underwear mask
Only pet my dog with a baseball mitt
Baking my own bread and it tastes like shit
I broke my leg two weeks ago
But I’m too scared to go to the hospital
Never go outside ’cause I might see my neighbor
Using both sides of my toilet paper
Wife tried to kiss me, I straight-up denied her
Miss the NBA, and I miss Rob Schneider
Tell the GrubHub guy, “Leave food on the street”
I’m so fuckin’ bored, I’m doing songs with Pete

Pete Davidson and Adam Sandler: Stuck with my fam, I can’t get out (Just kiddin’ about da wife)
For like two months been on my couch (All day, every day yeah)
Runnin’ out of things to talk about
It’s quarantine in my house

I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy
I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy

SoulCycle at Home

Phoenix… Cecily Strong

Lee… Bowen Yang

Korona… Ego Nwodim

Toyota… Chris Redd

Robert… Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “Soulcycle Virtual Workouts” intro] [Cut to Phoenix in her home]

Phoenix: Welcome. Welcome. My name is Phoenix, as in the University of… Soulcycle’s closed right now. So, we put together this live stream with the trainer fan. We may not have bikes, but that won’t stop us from charging you to watch us working out. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee in his home]

Lee: Wad up, wad up, Soulcycle computer? They call me Lee, short for Harvey Oswald. It’s crazy to think that people could be watching this anywhere to Los Angeles to California. I’ve been hearing a lot about squatters, right? So, let’s get ’em. [starts squatting] Always try to keep a positive attitude. I moved to New York two days before quarantine. Shoutout to my roommate who catfished me. He ain’t no leggy blonde, but it’s his personality I fell in love with. Let’s go!

[Cut to Korona in her home]

Korona: My name is Korona with the K. I’m always overcoming adversity. When I was little, they told me I was pretty enough to act like not model. So, I joined tiktok where I do neither. Let’s go!

[Cut to Toyota in his home]

Toyota: I am Toyota. And I hear a lot of people talking about antibodies. Ah! Pro body. Quarantine, day two, let’s go!

[Cut to Robert in his home]

Robert: I am Robert, like, Julia Robert. And I’m good vibes only. Who do I stay home for? Me! Because I’m quarantined and on house arrest. Two birds, let’s go!

[Cut to Heidi in her home]

Heidi: What’s up? I’m Molly. Sorry, I’m on Molly. I’m not gonna get COVID-19 coz I’m 22. Liberate Michigan, let’s go!

[Heidi is working out]

Wow! It’s burning now.

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: This pandemic has affected everyone. Coachella, cancelled. South by south west, cancelled. Bill Cosby, cancelled. How dare? We need doctors right now. Let’s push!

[Cut to Toyota]

Toyota: Commit to what you start! [sits on his couch] I ain’t finishing ‘ozark.’ Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: I’m on a juice cleanse right now. Corox juice. Eat clean!

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: This one’s called the bow and arrow. [stretching the resistant band] It’s gonna go way back! [the resistant band hits her cheek] Oh! Oww!

[Cut to Korona]

Korona: My mantra, eat, pray, pray. That’s right. I’m not and religious. It’s a trap. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: Just because we’re in quarantine doesn’t mean we can’t connect, meet up, go to the beach, hug, touch, kiss an old guy on the mouth at the mall. Let’s go!

[Cut to Phoenix]

Phoenix: I just got word that our positive attitude and good bodies cured coronavirus. [wears her glasses] Oh, wait. Oh, no. Sorry. Rooter’s Steakhouse is delivering. Ah!

Released Early

Terrence… Chris Redd

Sheila… Ego Nwodim

KK… Aidy Bryant

Stacy… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Chris looking at his selfie camera]

Terrence: Okay, looking good. Smelling good. Tell you what? [starts to workout on the couch] They should have never let your boy out in the streets though. I know that much. Coz I’m bout to hit these freaks up. See what’s popping out here. Ready, ready. So, they better be ready.

[Facetiming Sheila]

She gonna pick up. She gonna pick up. I’m gonna pick up.

[Sheila answers facetime]

What’s good, Sheila? Sheila, your boy finally free, baby.

Sheila: Terrence, is that you?

Terrence: Yeah, baby. In the flesh. You know no jail can hold me, girl. Come on, now.

Sheila: I thought you was doing 600 years.

Terrence: I was, baby. I was gonna do it. But damn, then ‘rona down here. Yo, they let me out, you. And I’m out here. I’m free. You know. Now, I get to come over there and we could 69 like we talked about, you know?

Sheila: Oh, you nasty. But I’m not going out right now. You know, after the government shutdown outside because they 5G stuff messed up and made a pandemic. So, I’ma lay low till July.

Terrence: July? Girl, you better stop playing with me. [Sheila hangs up] Hello? Hello? Dammit! She must have some bad wifi or something.

[Facetiming KK]

Um-hmm.

[KK answers]

KK: Hello?

Terrence: Hey, sweet thing.

KK: T-ready, is that you?

Terrence: Yeah, I’m free. I’m back in these streets and I’m ready to do that thing that we handled ourselves next to each other.

KK: Look, I cannot do this right now. My kids are in the other room.

Terrence: Kids? What? I’m home, girl.

KK: T, what we had when you were in jail, it stays in jail.

Terrence: Aw, but KK.

KK: No buts, okay? I only started writing you letters because I thought you were gonna rot in there for pirating that “Sopranos” DVD box set.

Terrence: Who knew they meant two to 10 per DVD, though?

KK: [to kids] Hey, coming. [to Terrence] Hey, shut up. Everything that we talked about while you were locked up, it’s a lie, okay? I’ve never had my cheeks absolutely clapped. I am not a trap queen. Okay? My name is Anne and I’m a mother and I go to church group. I don’t need this added stress right now. So, you can go ahead and lose this number. [hangs up]

Terrence: Damn. Nobody loyal, man!

[Facetiming Stacy] [Stacy picks up. She looks sick.]

Stacy: Hello?

Terrence: Stacy. Stacy. You so tasty. It’s me, Terr.

Stacy: Terr? [sneezes] I never thought I’d see your face again.

Terrence: You seeing it right now, girl. You know, I’m ready to do that thing.

[Stacy sneezes hard.]

Stacy: Terr, you looking good.

Terrence: Hey, you aite? You sick or something?

Stacy: Boy, can you just stop? It’s just allergy. Pollen is everywhere. Why don’t you, um, come over and get you some?

Terrence: Uh-uh. Uh-huh. I think I need to take this social distancing thing little bit serious, you know what I’m saying? If you still wanna get freaky, you know, maybe you can tie your phone up and spit on it while I pop off my thing over here though.

Stacy: Why are you so scary? Alright, I got to get it in some kind of way. [sneezing heavy] [Terrence hangs up]