Weekend Update- Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy on Passover 3

Michael che

Jacob… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael che in his set]

Michael che: Tonight marks the sixth night of the Jewish holiday, Passover. Here to talk about the holiday is my podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: My dad wanted me to give you this insults and also to remind to you to wear flip flops this summer around the pool.

Michael che: Well, thank you so much, Jacob. You’ve been fun on Passover? Is that fun for you?

[Jacob silently opens his notes and reads from it]

Jacob: [clearing throat] During Passover, [cut to Jacob] we eat several foods that are symbolic of Passover story. We eat matso because it reminds us that the Jews didn’t have time for the bread to rise when escaping Egypt. It actually tastes okay, but it’s no Papa John’s pizza.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: [laughing] Hey, that’s pretty good. Hey, Jacob, you don’t have to make a speech like at your bar mitzvah. We can just hang out and talk as friends.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes] [Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The other symbolic foods include the shank bone and also haroset which represents the mortar used by the Hebrew slaves to make bricks. Like the bricks I scraped my chin on when my daddy was teaching me to play bridge and my chair collapsed. But seriously, I want to thank my older brother Ethan for helping me get ointment my scrape even though he once changed the password on my iPad and charged my $20 to get back into it.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. That sounds like something my brother would do. Like this one time–

Jacob: [interrupting by reading] The bitter herbs remind us [cut to Jacob] of the bitter lives the Jews lived before they escaped. Usually, the bitter herb at our table is Romaine lettuce, but it’s no Papa John’s pizza.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. You are really giving free press to Papa John’s pizza. Is that your favorite pizza place? Papa John’s?

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: The roasted egg on the seder plate [Cut to Jacob] is symbolic of renewal and rejuvenation, which is also what my mom always says my aunt Madeline is doing to her face.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. That’s a solid burn, Jacob. [giving fist for Jacob to hit] Come on, hit it.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: Finally…

Michael che: Alright, I’ll just– [puts his hand back]

Jacob: The the karpas, [cut to Jacob] a green vegetable is dipped in salt water to represent the tears of the Jews which is sad and I’m sad when I think about how I will be going away to camp in the Poconos and leaving my friends behind. But even Derek Jeter had to leave the Yankees one day. [Jacob wipes his tears quickly] [Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Aw, are you crying? Don’t cry. You’ll have fun at camp.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: In conclusion, [Cut to Jacob] I want to thank my cousins Zack, Merica and John for coming in from Scottsdale because they got a free flight from complaining, my best friend Seth, who everyone thinks is Jewish, my uncle Simon even though my dad says he is so blinded by his devotion to Israel that he ignores all reasons. And I want to dedicate this to my Buby who makes the best masso ball soup. But it’s no–

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ah, here it comes.

Jacob: Papa John’s pizza!

Michael che: There it is. Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob, everybody!

Weekend Update on Failed North Korean Missile Launch

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Un at left top corner.]

We have breaking news tonight about Kim Jung-Un who actually describes himself as Harry Styles of North Korea. Just hours ago, North Korea attempted a missile launch but as soon as it took off, it immediately exploded. North Korean claimed the failed launch was actually just a tribute to Donald Trump’s first 100 days in office.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

As tensions have mounted between the US and North Korea, vice president Mike Pence was sent to South Korean even though for Mike Pence, going south is a sin. Meanwhile, Donald Trump spent the weekend on the one peninsula less stable than Korea, Florida.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In an interview, president Trump explained that his stance on North Korea changed after meeting with China’s president saying, “After listening for 10 minutes I realized it’s not so easy.” Which part? The North Korea part or the listening for 10  minutes part? Also, nothin says “I wasn’t really listening” more than saying “I listen for 10  minutes.” You’re never gonna hear “I listen for 10 minutes and I know karate.” You can’t just have listened and politely nod to the president of China like he’s asking to check out his new mixtape.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a missile at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, our military dropped the mother of all bombs in Afghanistan. The bomb cost $sixteen million and reportedly took out 94 members of ISIS. Which doesn’t sound that efficient. But remember, FOX News spent $13 million just to get rid of five women.

[Picture changes to Afghanistan map]

The bomb hit ISIS-K which is a regional division of ISIS and coincidentally Kellogg’s least popular breakfast cereal.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Xi Jinping at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump gave an exclusive interview to Fox business recounting his meeting with the Chinese President. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s video]

Donald Trump: I was sitting at the table. We had finished dinner. We’re now having dessert. We had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you have ever seen.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: First of all, you don’t know what cakes I’ve seen. [cheers and applause] And second, maybe you should take it easy on the cake. You already got a butt like an Atlanta Stripper. But, Trump eventually got back on track and gave us the important, specific details.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s video]

Donald Trump: So, what happens is I said we just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq.

Interviewer: But it was heading to Syria.

Donald Trump: Yes, heading towards Syria.

[cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you sure bro? That part’s kind of important. Trump runs the country like Homer Simpson runs the power plant. We’re asking about missile strikes and he is thinking, “Mmm, cake.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mar-A-Lago resort.]

Colin Jost: Florida health inspectors have issues 13 violations against president Trump’s Mar-A-Lago resort. But Trump isn’t worried since he built up immunity to most diseases from a life time of waiters spitting in his food.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of behind of Donald Trump walking at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The secret service requested a $60 million budget increase on top of $74 million already set aside for protecting Trump and his family. That’s $134 million for protection. Are you getting them all Iron Man suits? No family is in that much danger. I grew up in New York city apartment in the projects during the crack 80s. And all we had for protection was a pitbull and praying grandmother. And if one of us got hurt, that was just god’s plan, baby. You just put down some candles on the basketball court and move on.

[Picture changes to Ben Carson]

Dr. Ben Carson tore the housing complex this week and got stuck in an elevator where he spent 45 minutes trying to dial 911 on the floor buttons. [Picture changes to elevator’s floor buttons] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dr. Carson said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he got stuck on this escalator. [Picture changes to Ben Carson on stairs] [Picture changes to a scorpion.]

In shocking news this week, United is possibly not a great airline. On Thursday, a passenger on one of their flights, somehow this is true, was stung by a scorpion that fell from an overhead bin and that was the best thing that happened on a United Airlines this week. The way worse story of course was this poor doctor was dragged off an oversold flight to make room for their United employees. United, your slogan is literally ‘Fly the friendly skies.’ I can’t think of anything less appropriate. That’s like if Chipotle’s slogan was ‘you are going to have an easy time on the toilet.’

Though, I will say in fairness, United only promises to be friendly in the skies. On the ground, their slogan is ‘Don’t even look at us.’ I’ll say, after all of this, I will never fly United ever again. Unless they have a cheap flight to where I’m going. In which case, I will definitely fly United.

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling on Easter

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Temperatures climbed up to 80 degrees in New York this week and Easter Sunday arrives tomorrow marking the unofficial beginning of spring time. Here with his unique take on the season is veteran New York stand up comic, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Yo! Ay! Michael! Ay, so good to be here. You know? The sun’s out, flowers are in bloom and the girl’s skirts are getting a lot shorter. So, this guy has got work to do.

Michael Che: What re you talking about? what work?

Bruce Chandling: Exactly! Look, I love Easter. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Right? Right? Personally, I don’t get it. I mean, you got that big bunny showing up, giving sweets all over the backyard. Now, in the real world, you know, I’m just saying, most animals don’t deposit candy in the grass. They leave something else. And I don’t recommend eating that chocolate.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Yo, what age range are these jokes for?

Bruce Chandling: Hey, you really got to stop interrupting, okay, pal?

Michael Che: Yeah, but–

Bruce Chandling: Alright! [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Of course, my favorite part of the season has to be spring break. Yeah! yeah!

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: They’re not cheering for you. They’re cheering for spring break I think.

Bruce Chandling: I mean, these college kids love to have fun. [to Michael Che] You’ve seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah. I’ve–

Bruce Chandling: You heard about this? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] You know, they’re always getting together and going on trips down south. And I ain’t just talking about Mexico if you catch my drift.

[cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Yeah, man, we all get it and it’s bad. Are you finished?

Bruce Chandling: But honestly, you know, these kids they really do go nuts, Michael. We t-shirt contests. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Rock hard abs. Beautiful people looking the best they are ever going to look. It really makes you think.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: What? Is that the punch line?

Bruce Chandling: No. [cut to Bruce Chandling] It just– it really– it makes you think about how you might not ever be able to look like that again. [Bruce Chandling is getting depressed] The weight gets harder to lose and you don’t remember what it feels like to be kissed. Now, some loser in lab coat is telling you that you have to wear glasses because you are practically blind. Well, [wears his glasses] go ahead and laugh all you want. I guess the real joke here is me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Hey, Bruce, I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know you were struggling, but I think you are a good person inside and that’s what really matters.

Bruce Chandling: I guess you’re right. I mean, at least– [smirking]

Michael Che: Oh god!

Bruce Chandling: — I didn’t eat the wrong chocolate!

Michael Che: Bruce Chandling, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Australian map and a pregnant lady]

Colin Jost: A woman in Australia gave birth to a 13 pound baby, completely ruining her down under. It’s gonna get worse. Doctors say it has left her with what you might call a blooming onion. Sorry. I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Austrian flag and bees at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Austria report that more than 1 million bees have been stolen from a local park. Or, and hear me out, they just flew away. They’re bees.

[Picture changes to dogs]

An ice cream parlor has begun serving ice creams specially made for dogs to eat. So, take that, Africa! Ha-ha. It even comes in dogs’ two favorite flavors. Bacon and butt.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a baby at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that infants start to show racist tendencies between 6 and 9 months of age. And by the time they’re two, they’re already yelling at Dora [picture changes to Dora the explorer] to speak English.

Turtle Shirt

Jimmy Fallon

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Sasha… Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Jimmy  joking around with his office colleagues]

Jimmy : I’m serious. I went to this lunch thing at his house. And it was like sears all the way. [everyone laughing] Also, have you ever noticed how low the hairline is. [Kyle walks in behind Jimmy ] I think it’s where his eyebrows start. [everyone laughing]

Kyle: Patrick! Can I walk with you in my office?

[Jimmy  turns around looking scared]

Female voice: You’ve been caught talking about your boss again? If you could only hide somewhere. Now, you can. Inside your shirt.

[music playing] [Jimmy  pulls his head inside his shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

The turtle shirt, by Swag.

Turtle shirts are made from plastrals and keratinous scutes. The same materials from which a turtle’s shell is made. Our shirts offer an mazing and comfortable place to wait out any unwanted and embarrassing situations.

[Cut to a party]

Pete: Great party.

Bobby: Thanks Jeff.

Sasha: Uh, here you go.

Pete: Hey, have you met my wife?

Pete: You know, I haven’t. Can I just say, your hair is so pretty that it actually kind of looks fake.

[Bobby and Sasha looks at each other]

Bobby: Sasha works with orangutans and one of them took her scalp off.

Sasha: It capped me. That’s the primary term for it.

Bobby: The top of her head is completely fake.

[Pete is embarrassed. Pete pulls his head and hands inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: It’s like having a personal panic room on your back.

[Cut to Beck walking to his friends]

Beck: Hey, who wants to see a picture of my new baby?

Sasheer: Oh, yeah. I’d love to. [Beck shows Sasheer a picture] This is a penis.

Beck: What is?

Sasheer: This picture is a penis.

Beck: Oh, my god! No. That’s not my baby.

Sasheer: Was that your penis?

Beck: Yeah, right. I doubt it.

[Sasheer is staring at Beck] [Beck is embarrassed. Beck pulls his head, hands and legs inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: Turtle shirt, by Swag. Available only at Lord and Taylor.

Male voice: Warning: Lying on your back while inside the turtle shirt may result to death.

Take Me Back

Beck Bennett

Jen… Cecily Strong

Doug… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Beck and Jen sitting on a couch]

Beck: Okay, okay. On the count of three, favorite food. One, two, three.

Beck and Jen: Pizza!

Jen: Okay, wow! This feels right. I like you.

Beck: More than pizza?

Jen: Okay. Alright. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, mister. But maybe.

[Beck and Jen start kissing] [door knocking]

Who could that be? It’s midnight.

[Jen opens the door. Doug walks in. He has a music player and a flower bouquet.]

Doug: Hi.

Jen: [sign] Doug! What are you doing here?

Doug: I just needed to see you. I want you back.

Jen: Now is not a good time, Doug.

Doug: Wait, what? You have a guy over? We just broke up like, five days ago.

Jen: You know what? I don’t need to defend myself, Doug. Okay? You know what you did.

Doug: I know. I’m sorry. I messed up. But if you give me a chance, I promise [Doug plays music] I will love you truly, madly and deeply.

[Doug opens his raincoat. He is wearing white suit inside.] [singing very bad] I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy
I’ll be your love, I’ll be your hope, be everything that you need
I’ll love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful coz I’m counting on 

[opens his coat, he is wearing a t-shirt with Jen’s face printed on it]

a new beginning, a reason for living, a deeper meaning, yeah

[two backup singers walk in wearing the same suit and same t-shirt]

Singers: I wanna stand with you on a mountain

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna bathe with you in the sea

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna lay like this forever

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: Until the sky falls down on me.

Doug: So, what do you say, Jen? I know I made one of the biggest mistakes a person can make but I’m sorry. And I’m asking you to take me back… [gets down on his knees to propose with a ring] forever. What do you say?

Jen: No, Doug! You dragged a man off a plane this week!

Doug: [standing and leaving] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Backup singers: Wait, that’s what you did?

[Jen closes the door after they leave]

Jen: Sorry. Oh, I’m so sorry about him.

Beck: That’s okay. Don’t worry about him.

Jen: Anyway, back to us. Tell me more about you. what do you do?

Beck: Ah! Well, I just directed a huge Pepsi commercial.

Jen: [disappointed] No!

Sully and Denise (Rachel Dratch)

Alex Moffat

Sully… Jimmy Fallon

Denise… Rachel Dratch

Cecily Strong

Little Denise… Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a video recorded by a camera phone. Alex is speaking.]

Alex: So, this is Straus hall originally built in 1926. It has been home to such notable alums as Burroughs and chief justice John Roberts

Sully: I remember my childhood habit. I showed up for a medical experiment. I slept for three days. They paid me $3.

Denise: Wicked pissa! This place is beautiful. It’s like Hogwarts with more asians.

Sully: I would be Gryffindor.

Denise: Your are Hufflepuff and you know it.

Sully: You are.

[Sully and Denise start making out]

Alex: Great! Um, does anybody have any questions?

Cecily: Oh, yes. what percentage of freshman live on campus?

Sully: Also, is there an in-house Dunkin?

Denise: Yeah. I’m in dire need of a butter can Dunkinccino.

Alex: I’m sorry, folks. Who are you?

Sully: Um, my name is Patt Solven. This is my girl Denise.

Denise: Call me Zaa-Zoo. Unless I’m at work, in which case, call me doctor.

Cecily: Um, what kind of medice do you practice?

Denise: Oh, no, sweetheart. I wear a lab coat and insert hearts in the build-a-bears at the Burlington mall.

Alex: Um, I’m really sorry. This tour is for accepted students and their parents.

Denise: Uh, yeah! No durp Sherlock. Our daughter is over there pretending to be part of another family. [Little Denise is hiding behind Indian parents] Come on, say hi, lil Denise.

Little Denise: My gosh, dad, you promised me you weren’t going to film this.
Sully: Are you kidding me? It’s a momentous occasion. You are the first person in our family to complete an application.

Denise: Of any kind, of any kind. [pointing Sully] This one couldn’t get through an application to the Abby’s reward’s club.

Sully: It’s worth it though.

Little Denise: Mom, why did Tommy have to come? It’s 2017, you could cold the cameraphone yourself.

Denise: Ah! Don’t knock your uncle Tommy. He’s the only one that knows how to use those filters.

Sully: Hey, Tommy, hit me. Watch this. Watch.

[Sully and Denise have puppy snapchat filters]

Woof! Woof! Yea!

Alex: So, um, little Denise will be matriculating to Harvard in the fall?

Little Denise: Yes.

Sully: She’s undecided. It’s between Harvard and my Alma Mater, mcneelyheatingandcooling.com.

Denise: yeah. Little D’s is a certified brainiac. she’s like Good Will Hunting.

Sully: Yeah. She’s a math genius. And a violent prodigy.

Denise: She gets that from me though. I am a wiz a karaoke, right? [singing] Pour some sugar on me!

Little Denise: That’s not appropriate right now.

Denise: God bless you. God bless you, little D.  You always taught us what is and isn’t appropriate.

Sully: yeah, for example, we used to call each other re–

Little Denise: [interrupting] Dad! Dad!

Sully: But now we have to say you’re intellectually disabled.

Denise: You are.

[Sully and Denise start making out.

Leslie: I have a question. What is this school’s policy on drinking on campus?

Alex: Um, sure. We have a very strict policy. We monitor all campus spaces and alcohol is not permitted anywhere on the premises.

[Denise is drinking her alcohol in one shot to finish it.]

Sully: Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Alright.

Little Denise: Please excuse my parent’s behavior. They ate a lot of paint chips growing up.

Sully: Yeah. We sure did. We called them radiator nachos.

Little Denise: Probably effected the development of the pre-frontal cortex.

Denise: Sweetheart, sweetheart, you know we can’t understand you when you talk all smart like that.

Little Denise: I was just saying you’re being wicked odd. Drop your rod socks, stick your head under a bubble before you end up getting hold back to bricker in the back of the crosa.

Denise: Copy that.

Sully: Message received. So, how much is a year?

Alex: Current tuition is $63,025.

Denise: A week?

Alex: No. A year.

Denise: No register, no better.

Sully: Hey, are there scholarships for ethnic students? Her middle name is Nomar.

Denise: Nomar!

Little Denise: Nomar!

Sully: Nomar!

Alex: Um, I am actually not sure that qualifies.

Sully: Um, well that price is a tag dear, but we can make sacrifices. For example, what does a man in my situation need with so many kidneys?

Denise: Yeah! I mean, I could get a night job doing night jobs by the bridge. I could.

Little Denise: No, you guys. It’s fine. I will go to McNeili. I will never fit in here with all these fancy kids.

Leslie: Um, excuse me, but do you know when this Manchester by the sea thing will be over so we can continue with the tour?

Denise: Come on! We on’t need these stuff shirt. Let’s go do donuts in the parking lot of Stop and Shop.

Little Denise: Oh, like we used to do when I was a kid.

Denise: Exactly.

[Sully, Denise and Little Denise leave]

Alex: Um, okay, back to our tour. Surrounding us are the freshman dorms. That’s Holas, that’s Stotten and that’s Hurlbutt.

[Sully and Denise run back]

Sully: Wait, seriously? Hurlbutt? That’s fur real?

Alex: Um, yes.

Little Denise: So, if you live there and someone asks where you live, you say…

Alex: Hurlbutt.

Sully: And if you eat of bunch of Chipotle and suddenly you have to run back to your dorn, you run back to…

Alex: Hurlbutt.

Sully: Oh, my god! Tommy, please tell me you got that.

Denise: Harvard it is. We’ll make it work.

Middle School Musical

Aidy Bryant

Hailey… Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three girls at the dressing room of the musical show]

Aidy: It is so cool that Mrs. Harrity is letting us to Legally Blonde, the musical.

Hailey: Specially since we’re the first middle school in all of Kansas to perform it.

Kate: For most people in the audience, this is going to be the first time that they see this show.

Aidy: Which means, they’re gonna remember this show for the rest of their lives.

[Cut to the Musical Show. Aidy and Hailey are doing very bad mumbling gibberish.] [Cut back to the dressing room]

Hailey: It sucks that Stephanie can’t still be in this play.

Kate: She missed two rehearsals.

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, it’d be too hard to catch up on all that choreography.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are just running around and singing bad.] [Cut back to the dressing room]

Kate: Can’t wait for my big solo number. Must me alone in the spotlight.

[Cut to Kate singing her solo on the stage. But the spotlight is not on her. She is at the dark spot.] [Cut back to the dressing room. Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Hey, Hailey, I can’ wait for our song. Your vocal is just amazing.

Hailey: I think it’s just combination of our voices is what works. They literally become one.

Aidy: You guys honestly seem like a real couple.

Hailey: What?

[Cut to Hailey and Kyle on the stage. They’re singing very bad.] [Cut back to the dressing room]

Aidy: Can middle school productions win Tony’s.

Kate: No.

Aidy: That’s not fair.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are singing bad. Aidy falls off the stage.] [Cut back to the dressing room]

Hailey: Our finale is so good.

Aidy: I know they don’t use wires in the broadway version, but I think it can give our production a wow factor.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are singing bad. The choreography is very bad.]

Aidy: I think I’m getting my period.

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Aidy, Hailey and Kate: No mistakes!

[Cut to the stage where they are bowling after the show.]

Kate: How do you think it went?

Aidy: Perfect! [her nose is bleeding] [cheers and applause]

Jimmy Fallon Let’s Dance Monologue

Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Fallon.

[Jimmy Fallon walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you very much. It is so great. I love you. I love you. It’s so great to be back here on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This is where it all started for me. And I’m so happy to come home. Tonight is extra special because this is the first time in SNL history that we are going out live coast to coast all across the country and Canada. Tonight is bigger than a show. It’s a party.

[band playing music]

Hello, Chicago. Hello, San Fransisco. We’re out here at New York city.

Hello Montreal. Hello Houston, Colorado, New Hampshire.

[Jimmy Fallon stars dancing and walking around at the audience side]

Brooklyn!

[Jimmy Fallon calls the audience, and they stand and dance with him too] [singing] Let’s dance
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let’s dance
on song they’re playing on the radio

[Harry Styles joins]
Let’s Sway
from the lights of you face
Let’s Sway
sway through the crowd to an empty space

If you say run, I’ll run with you
If you say hide, we’ll hide

Because my love for you
would break my heart in two
if you should fall into my arms
and tremble like a flower 

[guitar solo]

Let’s dance

put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let’s sway
under the moonlight, this serious moonlight

If you say run, I’ll run with you
If you say hide, we’ll hide

Because my love for you
would break my heart in two
if you should fall into my arms
and tremble like a flower

[music stops]

We have got a great show tonight! Harry Styles is here! Stick around and we’ll be right back!

Family Feud Time Travel Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Liza Minnelli… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Sasheer Zamata

Mick Jagger… Harry Styles

John Travolta… Jimmy Fallon

Kristen Stewart… Kate McKinnon

Gwen Stefani… Melissa Villaseñor

David Blaine… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Celebrity Family Feud, Time Travel edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in the stage]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Oh, yes. Yeah, okay, now. Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Time Travel edition. Here, we got stars from 2017 going up against stars from 1977. Now, you’re probably asking yourself, “How the hell did this time travel thing happen?” Here’s my answer. I don’t know. I come to work. I don’t ask no questions. Then they give me a check. And I go to one of the other four TV shows that I do made specially for black women taking a sick day. Alright, let’s meet our players. First up on the 1977 side, the actors from the movie Cabaret, is Liza Minnelli.

[Cut to Liza Minnelli.]

Liza Minnelli: Oh. Outlandish, the set! Look at this wall. It’s the most wonderful thing.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha. You know? It always feels like somebody just freed you from a bubble. Okay, next up, we got the original Beyonce, Ms. Diana Ross.

[Cut to Diana Ross]

Diana Ross: Thank you, Steve. Thank you all of you. My smile’s as big as my hair.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, yeah, I love your hair. But I feel bad for the 10 bald ladies somewhere in India right now. Next up, we got rock and roll legend, Mick Jagger.

[Cut to Mick Jagger]

Mick Jagger: Hello there, Steve. A lovely show. It’s a bit of fun in it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, man! I love the stones. I even love your latest stuff when you weren’t solo.

[Cut to Mick Jagger]

Mick Jagger: Solo? Um, why would anyone in successful band go solo? That is insane.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, some people do it. And finally, we got the star Saturday Night Fever, Mr. John Travolta.

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Thanks. This is like crazy. Can’t believe it. I like this game show, right. Like, the lights and everything is really crazy. Oh, my god.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you like if somebody taught a pizza how to talk. Okay, let’s go to team 2017. First up, we got actress from Twilight movies, Kristen Stewart.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Dude. I don’t know. I’m just like, so excited. I’m so honored to be here. I don’t know. Whatever.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you look like a witch cursed you not to smile but you’re trying anyway. Next, we got singer and judge on The Voice, Gwen Stefani.

[Cut to Gwen Stefani]

Gwen Stefani: What’s up? This is really cool to be here, Steve. Let me hear you holla back, girl.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, I can’t tell if you’re trying to be black or asian. Next, we got magician and all around creep show, David Blaine.

[Cut to David Blaine]

David Blaine: Uh! I’m so excited to be here. This is amazing.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you not going to do that thing where you puke up frogs, are you?

[Cut to David Blaine]

David Blaine: [raises his glass] No.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. And finally, we’ve got the start of the People vs O.J. Simpson, Mr. John Travolta.

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Oh, such a joyous thing. Specially you, the wonderfully talented Starvey Hivson.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wait a minute, there’s two of you. Man, this is freaky!

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Actually, it’s a beautiful, magical thing, Starvey. It’s a joyous thing. It’s the most interesting work I’ve done since my mini-series about O.J.

[Cut to Liza Minnelli]

Liza Minnelli: Oh! O.J. Simpson! Oh, I adore the ‘Juiced.’

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You might want to hold on for few years on that thing. Okay, let’s play the feud. Give me Liza, give me Kristen. Let’s do this.

[Liza Minnelli and Kristen Stewart walk front]

Liza Minnelli: Oh, my, look at you. You’re just– you’re a poor little orphan boy, but you’re so beautiful.

Steve Harvey: Okay, 100 people surveyed–

Liza Minnelli: 100 people! Oh, what a great crowd.

Steve Harvey: Lord, I know you brought this woman here to test me. Okay, top four answers on the board. Name something that keeps you up at night. [buzzer sound] Kristen.

Kristen Stewart: I don’t know, dude. I don’t know. I don’t know. I just like, I’m sleeping and I’m waiting for the next day coz I’m excited. I don’t know. Whatever. Whatever.

Steve Harvey: You almost said something that I can understand. I commend your poet. Show me some kind of mumbo-jumbo.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Nope, it’s not there. Liza, something that keeps you up at night.

Liza Minnelli: Oh, everything. Absolutely everything. But lately it’s been a terrible unqualified president Jimmy Carter. He’s just a peanut farm.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, I’m not going to tell her. Show me president Waka-doo!

[The answer is in second place]

Oh! Man! You know, what’s true then is even truer now.

[Steve Harvey walks to team 1977]

Okay, team 1977 has it. Let’s go to Diana Ross.

Diana Ross: [yelling] Thank you!

Steve Harvey: Something that keeps you up at night.

Diana Ross: Well, Steve, I have this terrible dream where I’m out in public and I look down, and I’m not wearing sequin.

Steve Harvey: Girl, you make crazy look good. Show me some kin of vodka hallucination.

[The answer is in fourth place]

Ay! Number four. Alright, let’s go to Mick Jagger. Something that keeps you up at night.

Mick Jagger: Um, well, um, if I’m up, it’s because I’ve got a little manky-panky. Ah!

Steve Harvey: I don’t know what you saying. But I know what you saying. Show me getting all kinds of nasty.

[The answer is in third place]

Alright, you got it. You got three. Final turn goes to young Travolta.

John Travolta: Well, it’s just like crazy. I gotta say, you know, what keeps me up night, it’s like, I’m afraid of getting older, you know? What’s gonna happen to my career? What’s gonna happen to Sandy? What’s gonna happen to my beautiful hair.

Steve Harvey: Well, young Travolta, I gotta tell. I bet 2017 John Travolta know a thing or two about that, right there. I think that you’ll be fine. As older man, you know you’ll have a long career. You’re gonna be doing lots of movies. Great movies. Ain’t that right, 2017 John Travolta?

John Travolta: Absolutely. John, you’re going to be fantastic. It’s about journey of life and how beautiful and joyous it is.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, you see that, young John Travolta? You gotta great career ahead of you. You ain’t got nothing to worry about. Okay, young Travolta? So, next time you worried about something, don’t be worried about it, right young Travolta?

John Travolta: Yes. I’m never gonna worry about it again. I feel so much better now. So I’m gonna say what keeps me up at night is this weird feeling that one day Nicholas Cage is gonna try to steal my place.

Steve Harvey: Yeah. I’d worry about that too. Show Nicholas Cage might steal your face.

[The answer is in the first place]

Oh! Number one answer. Alright, 1977 has it. Let’s go to commercial. When we come back, I’m gonna ask these 1977 people what they think the words ‘Barack Obama’ means. We’ll see ya. Y’all know what I mean.