Weekend Update Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy Explains Passover With His Dad

Jacob… Venessa Bayer

Michael Che

Dr. Hankin… Billy Crystal

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Today marks the end of the Jewish holiday of Passover. Here to give us some info about the holiday is my podiatrist’s son and recent Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: Hi, Michael. My dad wanted me to give you this ointment for your athlete foot.

Michael Che: Oh, thank you, Jacob. So, did you have a good Passover this year?

[Jacob does not answer. He opens his notes and starts reading.]

Jacob: [clears throat] Each year at Passover, we ask four questions which explains why this night is different from all other nights.

Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh?

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The first reason Passover is different from other nights is that instead of eating leavened bread, we eat matzah. It’s pretty blend, but don’t quote me under it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Jacob]

Michael Che: Okay. So, it sounds like you’re not a big fan of matzah.

[Jacob just looks and Michael Che and continues reading his notes.] [Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The second reason is that we eat bitter herbs to remind us the cruel way the Jews were punished in Egypt. Sounds pretty bad, but not as bad as my brother Ethan got punished for grinding at his BBYO dance. But don’t quote me under it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Jacob]

Michael Che: Yeah, I wasn’t gonna. Jacob, it seems like you really like telling jokes? I mean where did you get that great sense of humor from?

Jacob: My dad who happens to be here tonight.

[Dr. Hankin slides in]

Dr. Hankin: Hi. Michael, here is the foot cream. He has toe nails that look like potato chips.

Michael Che: It’s my podiatrist, everybody. Dr. Hankin. So, doc, what’s your favorite thing about the Passover holiday?

[Dr. Hankin just looks at Michael Che and then opens his notes too.] [Cut to Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Dr. Hankin: [clears throat] The third reason Passover is different from other nights is that we dip twice. I don’t know about you but I always dip my food twice, once in salsa and once in guacamole. You do that math!

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: What math, man? Look doc, we can just have a conversation like we do at the office.

[Dr. Hankin just looks at Michael Che and then looks at notes.] [Cut to Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Dr. Hankin: The fourth reason Passover is different is that on Passover, we eat reclining back on our chairs. Sort of like when I took Peggy Tinkerton to the prom. She was a goy.. as in goy-geous. We did a lot of reclining in the back seat. You do the math!

Jacob: But don’t quote him under it.

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: I promise I won’t. Yes, so Yankees. They had a rough loss last night. Nineteen innings. Are you guys sad that there Derek Jeter isn’t playing anymore?

[Jacob and Dr. Hankin start scratching their eyes.]

Hey, I’m sorry guys. I didn’t mean to make it weird.

[Jacob and Dr. Hankin look at Michael Che for a moment]

Jacob: In conclusion, I want to thank my wonderful dad for joining me on this special day.

Dr. Hankin: Oh, Jacob. I remember the moment you were born. You mother was screaming, “I’m not doing this again.” Let us pray. I don’t know what they’re putting in the water these days because look how big you’re getting. You look mar….ginally bigger than you were before.

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob and his dad, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Jacob: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a gas station at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey man is claiming he was robbed by rapper DMX at a local gas station. He knew it was DMX because it said so right on his name tag. He’s not doing good, guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: In an up head in the Washington post, republican presidential hopeful Dr. Ben Carson said that he wants to get rid of the selfie stick, which raises the question, what does Ben Carson think a president does?

[Picture changes to Golf Digest magazine]

Golf Digest magazine has created a controversy over a new cover featuring 20 year old golfer Lexi Tompson posing with only a towel covering her breasts. But before you call them sexist, they did the same thing last month with Arnold Palmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Maya Angelou stamp at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was revealed that a new stamp featuring the late poet Maya Angelou contains a quote that she did not write. Now that’s bad but not as bad as how none of you noticed, that his is actually picture of Della Reese. Oh, you feel a little racist now, don’t you? And you should coz I’m lying. That’s actually Toni Morrison. This is Della Reese. [Picture changes to Morgan Freeman] [Picture changes to a cop car]

A Pennsylvania woman was arrested for allegedly giving her six month old son cocaine. But on a bright side, he did say his first million words.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grilled cheese sandwich at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that people who find grilled cheese sandwiches have more sex. Read more about it in this month’s issue of [picture changes to a magazine called ‘What?’] What?

[Picture changes to 7Eleven logo]

Today was bring your own cup day at 7Elevens around the country where customers could fill up any cup they brought in with a Slurpee. But if you missed it, don’t worry, you could just do it any day. It’s 7Eleven, man! Go nuts! What’s the worst thing that happens? You get kicked out of a 7Eleven? That’s the best thing that can happen.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of NCAA, Duke and Wisconsin team logos]

Michael Che: Duke beat Wisconsin 68-63 to win the NCAA championship. Afterwards, disappointed Wisconsin students took to the streets to riot the only way white people know how… without consequence. You lucky bastards.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of baseball field at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hey. During opening day at Chicago’s Wrigley field, lines for bathrooms were so long that fans resorted to urinating in cups. A move Chicago-ains are calling, “Hey, free beer”, and “Oh, no!”