Tag: episode 18

Weekend Update Trump Claims Police Cried at His Arrest Biden Downplays Pentagon Documents Leak

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jack DeShara.]

The person who allegedly leaked classified Pentagon documents on social media has been identified as Jack DeShara who is a Massachusetts Air National Guardsmen, I assume in a school play. DeShara shared the document in a private social media group that members say started as a place where young men could play war themed video games, bond over their love of guns and post racist memes. And now it’s ruined. It was revealed that just before his arrest, DeShara a contacted the members of his group and said “Guys, it’s been good. I love you all.” And of course his friends all replied, “Gay.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Discord logo.]

Michael Che: The online group DeShara started was named “Thug Shaker Central”. Thug Shaker Central is also what Colin calls Atlanta.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

President Biden is trying to downplay the recent leak of classified US documents that were posted on social media. Because when you’re over 80, a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: In the interview, Donald Trump claimed that New York police and court employees were crying when they arrested him. Why is everyone in Trump’s stories always crying?

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: People came to me and they saw me and they were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: Very tough, very strong, very powerful men. They were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: They had tears in their eyes, and they were all crying. Everybody was crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: People were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: They were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: These are people that didn’t cry when they were babies. They never cried in their life, and they were crying. A lot of them were crying.

[Cut back to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Sir, you’re bragging that when people see you, they just like burst into tears. Because it never sounds like excited crying, like when teenagers see like BTS. It sounds more like scared crying like when hostages see Jigsaw.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “States stock pile abortion pill”.]

Michael Che: After a judge’s ruling left access to abortion pills uncertain, some state officials are stockpiling them just in case. Officials like California Governor Gavin Newsom, Massachusetts governor Maura Healy and New York comedian Michael Che.

[PIcture changes to Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]

After it was revealed that Harlan Crowe bought Clarence Thomas home, Crowe said he did it so he could one day turn it into a museum dedicated to Thomas. It’ll be called “The Sexual Harassment Hall of Fame.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]

Colin Jost: Conservative judges and pundits have defended Thomas by saying that his deals with Harlan Crowe are not corrupt because crow had no business before the court. But come on, does this conservative Christian billionaire strike you as someone who didn’t want them to overturn Roe V. Wade? He looks like he’s on a pamphlet called “Why you have to keep it.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden traveled to Ireland this week and as being called the most Irish president since Kennedy. In fact, Biden has so much Irish blood that he doesn’t need a drink to slur his words.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dianne Feinstein.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Easy. Senator Dianne Feinstein who is 89 is facing calls to resign from fellow Democrats. But unfortunately Feinstein is answering those calls on her stapler.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tim Scott.]

Michael Che: Republican Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina announced the launch of an exploratory committee for 2024 presidential run. That name again is Tim Scott, as in Tim Scott, no chance of being a nominee.

Weekend Update NYC Hires FirstEver Rat Czar Rescuers Save Lost Hikers on Mushrooms

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Kathleen Karate.]

Michael Che: Kathleen Karate was announced as New York City’s first “Rat Czar,” a title that was formerly known as Miss Staten Island. Loser.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “1000 year old Mayan scoreboard found”.]

Colin Jost: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old scoreboard used for an ancient Mayan ball game, the score of which was Mayans – 24, New York Jets – 0.

The New York City Department of Sanitation has launched its first campaign in 15 years with messages such as “If you litter, you’re garbage,” which is actually dialed back from the original version “Your litter belongs in the trash next to your whore wife.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Proposed alert system for missing black women and kids”.]

Michael Che: Proposed bill in California would create an alert system for missing black women and kids. This is in addition to the alert system for missing white women and kids, the news. A new report from the CDC shows that in 2021, cases of sexually transmitted diseases jumped by 7% to what experts described as nursing home levels. It’s happening guys.

Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men exaggerate penis length by 20%.”]

Colin Jost: A new study suggests that the average man exaggerates the length of their penis by more than 20%. But aren’t you supposed to add 20% for tip?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “81 year old women travel the world.”]

Michael Che: Two 81 year old women have traveled the world in 80 days, after the post office lost their ashes.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Rescuers save lost hikers on mushrooms.”]

Colin Jost: A group of hikers in Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house.

And police in Australia arrested a man after he was caught at a bus stop masturbating for over an hour. “Australia, where the police let you finish.”

Weekend Update Molly Kearney on AntiLGBTQ Bills in the United States

Michael Che

Molly Kearney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Since the start of this year, over 400 Anti LGBTQ bills have been introduced across the country, many of which directly target trans youth. Here to talk about it as someone with their own introduction.

[rock music playing]

Male voice: Introducing SNL’s first non binary cast member, it’s Molly Kearney.

Molly Kearney: Made it. Thank you Mr. Che.

Michael Che: Molly, what is all this?

Molly Kearney: Well, as you know, I’ve been wanting to come to Update and talk about trans people. But I have for a much longer time than that wanted to fly down from the ceiling.

Michael Che: And did it live up to your expectations?

Molly Kearney: Yeah, but I’m not gonna lie, this harness is pretty tight. my groin area is beef. I’ve been hung up on my genitals for far too long. And I’m starting to feel like a frickin Republican lawmaker. Hello.

Michael Che: Awesome transition. So as of this week, there are now over 14 states that have passed bills restricting health care for trans kids.

Molly Kearney: Listen to that, Michael, restricting Health Care for Kids. For some reason, there’s something about the Word ‘trans; that makes people forget the word ‘kids’. If you don’t care about trans kids lives, it means you don’t care about frickin kids lives.

Michael Che: Wow. Well. I can tell you’re really upset about that.

Molly Kearney: I am. And also my legs are going numb and I might pass out.

Michael Che: Molly, how long were you hanging up there?

Molly Kearney: Longer than I would have liked? I tried to call down but no one could hear me. You know, at one point I heard a crew guys say “Is she gonna die up there?” And then another guy was like, “You mean are they are going to die up there?” And then they looked away and didn’t help. Which feels a lot like how trans people are being treated right now. But don’t worry. We have a code word for emergencies. And it was trans rights. Gosh, good. Golly. That was the code for confetti. My Bad, bud.

Michael Che: that was so loud.

Molly Kearney: Well, yeah. People need to wake up. We’re making trans kids grow up too fast. We should be keeping them safe. And we need to lift them up. Oh, no, not me “them”. I mean, the kids. Che, they got my pronouns right. Let’s go. Wait a minute. Before I go, I want to talk to you. What’s happening kids is wrong, and you don’t need to be scared. Our job is to protect you and your job is to focus on being a kid. It’s kind of like me flying in the SNL sky. There’s a bunch of dudes asking you about your crotch and controlling what and where you’re allowed to be. But if you just hang on, you’ll look up and realize you’re flying, kid. Hey Mr. Che, am I still in the frame?

Michael Che: I mean, your feet are.

Molly Kearney: Good. Trans rocks.

Michael Che: Molly Kearney, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Molly Kearney: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Guru Genesis Fry on Mental Health

Colin Jost

Genesis Fry… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With mental health struggles on the rise, some Americans are seeking alternative forms of wellness. Here to help is meditation guru, Genesis Fry.

Genesis Fry: Hello, Colin. Join me, won’t you? On a guided meditation to the center of your mind.

Colin Jost: Oh, like right now?

Genesis Fry: Yes, Colin. Colin. Are you ready to meet Colin?

Colin Jost: Oh, I don’t know. I’m scared.

Genesis Fry: Colin Take my hand. And close your eyes.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Genesis Fry: I want you to picture yourself after the show tonight, Colin. As usual fans are taking pictures with Chloe, selfies with Bowen, you step outside and not a single ball flashes.

Colin Jost: Okay, that’s not tur.e

Genesis Fry: Shh. Relax, relax. Relax your arms. Relax your body. Relax your arms. Softer than I imagined. You get into your car without acknowledging your driver. He’s like a sub human creature to you.

Colin Jost: That’s not true.

Genesis Fry: What’s his name, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s- Let’s just focus on the meditation.

Genesis Fry: You get home and you rewatch tonight’s Update. 21 laughs for Michael, 4 for you. You’re improving, but it’s slow.

Colin Jost: Genesis, come on.

Genesis Fry: Shh. Colin, relax. Relax.

Colin Jost: I’m relaxed.

Genesis Fry: Relax.

Colin Jost: I’m relaxed.

Genesis Fry: Repeat after me. I am Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: I am Colin Jost.

Genesis Fry: I am full of light.

Colin Jost: I am full of light.

Genesis Fry: Everything in my life…

Colin Jost: Everything in my life…

Genesis Fry: Was simply handed to me.

Colin Jost: I’m not saying that.

Genesis Fry: It’s okay, Colin. It’s natural to fight against to break through.

Colin Jost: Right.

Genesis Fry: Give me your hand.

Colin Jost: You’re already holding my hand.

Genesis Fry: I know. Well, it’s so soft. You’ve never done an honest day’s work in your life.

Colin Jost: No. No.

Genesis Fry: Shh, relax. Picture it, Colin. You’re in your dressing room after the show tonight, still fuming about bilingual monologue.

Colin Jost: That would not upset me. No.

Genesis Fry: Shh. You’re so alone. The only person in the world who cares about you is Antonio.

Colin Jost: Who is Antonia?

Genesis Fry: Your driver, Colin. Now Sunday morning, picture it Colin. You’re standing in the NBC gift shop to see if anyone recognizes you.

Colin Jost: Sunday morning?

Genesis Fry: No one does. No one does. Finally, a man notices you. He runs up to you so excited, “Colin Jost! Colin Jost!” he says. And he serves you with court papers.

Colin Jost: Court papers?

Genesis Fry: It turns out someone does recognize you. 32 women to be exact.

Colin Jost: You’re making this up.

Genesis Fry: Repeat after me, Colin. I am Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: I am Colin Jost.

Genesis Fry: I am a star.

Colin Jost: I am a star.

Genesis Fry: If you want to shine like the sun, first you have to burn like it.

Colin Jost: If you want to shine like the sun, first you have to burn like it.

Genesis Fry: You did it, Colin. Yes.

Colin Jost: Wow, I actually love that last quote. Did you just come up with that?

Genesis Fry: No, it’s a famous Hitler quote, Colin. And it’s your new quote too.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Alright. Hitler slash Colin? Genesis Fry, everyone.

Weekend Update Funky Kong on The Super Mario Bros Movie

Colin Jost

Funky Kong… Kenan Thompson.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new Mario Brothers movie is a huge hit and many fans were hoping for an appearance from one of the coolest characters in the Mario universe, Funky Kong. So here to talk about it is Funky Kong.

[Funky Kong slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Funky Kong: What’s up, Colin? What’s up, ladies? Yeah. Which one of y’all going home with Funky Kong?

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. How are you doing, Funky Kong?

Funky Kong: Man, I’ve been better. I thought I was gonna be out nobody’s moving they just made $500 million. 600. But this is how much you get to see of me.

Colin Jost: Wow, so you’re just in the background? What happened?

Funky Kong: Man, they cut me out. I guess Funky Kong is too real for them. They don’t want to hear what I got to say. And they sure as hell don’t want to watch me work. Bring it back.

[music palying]

[Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Wow, I really am so sorry that you got cut.

Funky Kong: Funky don’t want to be what they want, Colin. Funky don’t throw no barrels. Funky Kong spends his day cruising in my car, dropping off packages of the sticky icky. And I spend my nights with a glass of banana rum and a bed full of toads.

Colin Jost: And now, are toads male or female?

Funky Kong: Funky don’t know, Funky don’t ask.

Colin Jost: It’s really is a shame that you’re not in the movie because your cousin Donkey Kong is a major character.

Funky Kong: Oh yeah, man. Donkey Kong is all up in it. But they ain’t even us Monkey Kong.

Colin Jost: Who’s Monkey Kong?

Funky Kong: He’s a donkey. Man, those Japanese people sure are interesting. Oh man, you know they kicked me off the set?

Colin Jost: What? Why?

Funky Kong: Because I was in my trailer drumming on booty cheeks like Bongo was in the minigame. I was in there like, booty cheeks, titty meat, booty cheeks, titty meat.

Colin Jost: Great. It’s really great. So you were originally in the movie?

Funky Kong: Absolutely. Man. I had a few choice scenes. I was incredible. I even have the whole script right here. Here. Come on. Read this here with me, Colin. I’ll show you what I’m talking about. You’ll be Mario and Luigi. I’m gonna be myself. Paste well.

Colin Jost: Sure. Great. All right, Luigi: We got to get to the castle, but the fastest way is Rainbow Road. Mario: Rainbow Road? We’ll fall off.

Funky Kong: Man, ain’t no bitches in here.

Colin Jost: I can’t believe that’s the original line.

Funky Kong: I told you man. I was dope. Go to page 36, man. The scene with me and Peach.

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah, you and Peach. Princess Peach: Funky Kong, they are holding our friends prisoner in Warrior stadium. Can you help?

Funky Kong: Girl, why don’t you open up that peach and let me see what’s inside?

Colin Jost: Honestly, I can see why they cut you out.

Funky Kong: Come on, Colin. People would have eaten that up, man. You ever had monkey meat?

Colin Jost: Monkey meat? No.

Funky Kong: That’s not what your mamma said last night. Bring it back.

[music playing]

[Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Funky Kong, everyone. Funky Kong.

Nail Salon

Greg… Bowen Yang

Nina… Ana de Armas

Greg: I can’t believe you talked me into coming into a nail salon.

Nina: Greg, stop. Men get their nails done all the time.

Greg: Well, I’m not like other men, Nina.

Heidi: We’re ready for you two. I love when we get couples in here. Screw those gender roles. Now what color are we gonna paint you?

Greg: I don’t know. Something low-key. Like, maybe tan or nude or nothing?

Nina: Okay, come on. Don’t do this. You promised.

Greg: Things are different now, Nina. Okay? Because as of yesterday, I’m the holder of the Guinness world record for the world’s longest fingernails.

Nina: Greg, you said you will cut them right after they measured you and gave you your certificate.

Greg: Well, I made that promise before I knew what it felt like to hold the record. Okay? I can’t cut them after one day of being famous.

Nina: I am tired of living like this, Greg. It’s embarrassing.

Greg: No. You know what would be embarrassing if I showed up to the gala, the But world famous Guinness World Record world gala with short nails.

Heidi: So the water is getting cold in the petty-

Greg: That’d be like, if the world’s tallest man showed up and he cut off his legs.

Heidi: So have we landed on a colo-

Greg: I don’t want color. I want Regina craft and yellow, ribbons of crumbling cuticles. God, no one understands me.

Nina: What about me, Greg? Where is my certificate? I deserve a Guinness World Record for wiping your butt for 12 years.

Greg: You act like I’ve never tried to wipe myself. I did once and almost die.

Nina: You promised me. You promise me you were gonna cut your nails, learn Wonderwall on the guitar and do hand stuff to me for the first time.

Greg: I never said that.

Nina: Yes, you did. I have an on voice memo.

Greg on voice memo: As soon as I get this world record, I’m gonna cut these nails, learn Wonderwall on guitar and do hand stuff to you. Now what time are you getting home? I need you to wipe me.

Greg: Oh, who am I without my nails, Nina? I should have never come to this nail salon. I should have never moved to Seattle. And I should have never married you.

Nina: Oh, okay. Well if that’s how you feel, I’m taking my ring back.

Greg: Oh, go on. Fine. Take it then. Take it. Go on. Go. Take it then. Go. Keep going. Yeah, go. Go. Go on. Go on. Now. Take it.

Nina: Okay.

Greg: I’m out of here, boo.

Nina: Greg! Greg!

Heidi: So there is a cancellation fee.

[Greg is running fast in the jungle. Chloe comes to him]

Chloe:I know what you are.

Greg: Say it out loud. Say it.

Chloe: That guy from the Guinness Book of World Records with the world’s longest fingernails.

Greg: Are you afraid? Are you not? Oh no, you cracked my fingernail. Oh, now these look gross.

Nina: I can’t believe he left for real.

Heidi: Oh, don’t worry, Mama. I see this all the time. Men just need an identity. If it’s meant to be, he’ll come back.

Greg: I’m back. And I cut my nails. And you know what that means?

Nina: You wiped your butt.

Greg: Hand stuff.

Heidi: Whoo! Screw those gender roles.

Matt Schatt Game Show

Ted Connelly… Kenan Thompson

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Rob… Devon Walker

Carmen… Ana de Armas

Matt… Mikey Day

Male voice: Two teams, $1 million, here in “The Dome.”

Ted: Good evening. Good evening. I’m Ted Connelly and this is “The Dome.” Now let’s meet the teams vying for a chance at the $1 million prize. Team one, introduce yourselves.

Beth: Hi, I’m Beth and this is my brother-in-law, Rob.

Ted: Oh, proof that in laws can get along. We’re having fun. Okay. Who do we have on Team two?

Carmen: I’m Carmen and this is my husband, Matt.

Ted: All right. Carmen and her cousin Matt. Okay.

Carmen: No, no. Matt’s my husband.

Ted: I’m sorry. I have a bad ear for accents. Sounds like you say that Matt’s your husband?

Carmen: I did. We’re married.

Ted: To each other?

Matt: Yapa-roni.

Ted: Okay, so let me just- Let me just clarify what’s going on here. So you who are you, are married to he was him?

Matt: Yep, we are Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Patrick Shatt.

Ted: Your name is Matt Pat Shat?

Matt: Yes, sir. Is that okay?

Ted: Not really. Now, I gotta ask why are you on the show when you are obviously extremely wealthy?

Matt: Oh, no, I am not wealthy.

Ted: But then why is she with you?

Carmen: Isn’t it obvious?

Ted: [yelling] No. Oh man, I gotta calm down. I got to calm down. Okay, so you’re not- If you’re not rich, what do you do for a living?

Carmen: I dance with San Francisco Ballet. And Matt works in the food industry.

Ted: Also your chef?

Matt: o, I’m a taste tester at Purina dog Chow.

Carmen: He tries new dog foods to tell them if it’s too like, spicy, you know? Because the dogs can’t talk.

Ted: So, you eat dog food for money?

Matt: Someday, hopefully. It’s volunteer right now. But fingers crossed, it turns into a paid gig soon.

Ted: You eat the dog food for free? Oh my god. I can’t even believe it. I just don’t understand what’s going on. I mean, this dude obviously got the baddest bitch I’ve ever seen. What is happening. Sorry, but I just had a stroke. Okay. All right. Let’s get back to it. I’m just trying to figure out how this absolute dime is married to match it. Oh, Beth, you got an answer?

Beth: I think I do. He obviously gave her a kidney and saved her life.

Carmen: He didn’t give me a kidney.

Ted: Oh, Rob, chance to steal.

Rob: He’s a hanging 8 but a standing 12?

Carmen: What? No. And FYI, he’s hanging 5 and standing 4.

Ted: So when he gets excited, it gets smaller?

Matt: Yeah. Just one of those things.

Ted: Yeah, that’s right. I’m buzzing in on this one. Here’s what I think. She hypnotized.

Carmen: You’re all sounding crazy. Look at my husband. I think it’s obvious why I’m with him.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Ted: No. The judges say no.

Matt: Sorry. Can we play the game now? Or?

Ted: Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. I’m sorry. Matt and Carmen, you won the coin toss backstage. So the first question goes to you.

Matt: Oh my gosh, I’m so nervous. I’m like already sweating. One second. [Pulls his shirt up to wipe his sweat. He’s got multiple nipples on his body.]

Ted: Please zoom in on this. What in the heck? Matt Pat Shat got a group of nipples. Now, Look at all these. Eww.

Matt: Don’t. Yeah, every couple of years, a new one pops up. Just another one of those things.

Carmen: Baby, just put your shirt down. I’m gonna get too excited.

Ted: But why though? I don’t understand it. Let’s just take a break while I have another stroke. We’ll be back right after this. Because I don’t understand what is going on. I mean, she bad. She bad.

Lisa from Temecula Wedding

Lisa… Ego Nwodim

Shana… Punkie Johnson

Kelly… Ana de Armas

Bowen: Oh my gosh, this wedding has been unreal. Neadine is such a beautiful bride.

Molly: Chandler is one lucky guy.

Kelly: He sure is. Hey, Shana, by the way, I know it’s probably tough coming to a wedding today’s after a breakup, but I think it’s so sweet or your baby sister Lisa came all the way here to be your date. Lisa, it’s so nice to meet you.

Lisa: Yeah, that’s cute, but my box is closed tonight.

Kelly: I’m sorry, what?

Shana: Kelly girl, pay no mind to my sister. She’s such a jokester.

Michael: All right, ma’am, this is all the dressing we could find in the kitchen.

Lisa: No, why is this ranch black?

Michael: It’s balsamic.

Lisa: Balsamic? What the-

Bowen: Lisa, you really like your dressing, huh?

Kelly: Yeah, everyone else is just in the salad as served.

Lisa: Yeah. And everyone else is about to be sick. Not me. Toss my salad. You know, the more dressing you put on it, the less likely you are to get ecoli. I need to stay healthy. I got to be in court in the morning.

Kelly: Oh, you’re a lawyer?

Shana: Yes, she surely is. Lisa is the lead litigate on a class action suit against the built-a-bear.

Lisa: Um-hmm. They gave a bunch of build-a-bears to some bald kids, and I ain’t got to tell you what happened next.

Kelly: Wow, that sounds like really important work. I bet those families are grateful for your help.

Lisa: Sis, switch me seats. Your little lesbian friend is doing the most trying to get the box tonight. It ain’t happening, boo.

Kelly: I’m sorry. Do I come off flirting? Because I’m not.

Shana: No Kelly, you’re fine. Lisa, can you please chill?

Lisa: All right. Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna just sit back, relax and fix this salad. Okay? No, hold on. Oh, no. Who thought this was a good idea. Raw salmon?

Bowen: Well, it’s smoked.

Lisa: Smoked? Pink as it is, look like a fruit roll up. Uh-uhh. Cook my meat. [throws the salmon] I’m gonna mix this all up for all of us. Okay.

Kelly: Well anyways, I have to tell you guys about this embarrassing date I went on.

[Lisa is wildly mixing the salad, the table is all shaky.]

Lisa: It must be meat in the salad.

Kelly: So he and I saw a movie and ended up back at my place.

Lisa: Now, why did managers give me ranch?

Kelly: And as soon as we walk in, a mouse runs across my kitchen floor.

Lisa: Sis, you got any ranch on you?

Shana: Lisa? Just eat. Can you please just eat?

Lisa: But I need ranch.

Shana: Oh my god.

Lisa: Everybody knows lettuce is nasty without ranch.

Kelly: So now I’m worried that he saw the mouse. [All their drinks fall and gets spilled on the table.] But then he’s like, “No, no, it’s fine. We’ll just go to my place.”

Molly: Wow, what a gentleman.

Bowen: Smart man.

Shana: Come on, sis. What happened to us just chillin?

Lisa: I am chillin. I’m chillin. I’m minding- What? I’m chillin. I’m minding my business. You know, this salad gonna be all right, but I’m gonna need it to be Boston.

[Lisa stands and starts shaking the whole table while mixing the salad]

Shana: Lisa! Lisa! She’s trying to tell us a damn story.

Lisa: Yeah, I heard the girl. She said her house is dirty.

Shana: Lisa? Okay, alright. Lisa, can you please just knock it off?

Lisa: I need the leverage. I need the leverage.

Shana: I don’t need-

Lisa: What? What? Shaina? I heard the girl Carmen SandiLisa over here trying to get the box while she got ratatouille as her roommate.

[Bride walks in]

Bride: What is going on over here? A piece of salmon at my mother?

Lisa: See? Y’all see? This whole wedding is a mess. People getting hit with salmon and they put raw salmon in my salad.

Groom: Is she saying salmon?

Bride: Thank you for coming but this table is ruining our special day.

Lisa: Oh, because we gay?

Bride: No. We’re right in the middle of our first dance.

Lisa: Then why are you over here talking to me? Dance bitch. Now you’re seeing this right? There’s champagne all in the food, vegetables everywhere. That marriage is doomed.

Kelly: Lisa, I understand that you don’t want to get sick, but this is all kind of your fault.

Bowen: Yeah, you’ve been dressing that salad in a really insane way.

Shana: Hold on, hold on. I’m not about to let y’all attack my sister Lisa who came all the way out here from Temecula to be my date. Now maybe she’s a type of siste that you just can take nowhere.

Lisa: I know that’s right.

Shana: Oh no, Lisa. Maybe she’s such a bad listener, it makes you wonder is this woman hard of hearing?

Lisa: Now what you saying, I know that’s right.

Shana: When it’s all said and done, it’s my blood right here. And she better not have one dry leaf in that damn bowl.

Lisa: Toss my salad. You know what? Y’all done piss me off. I lost my appetite. I’m leaving.

Kelly: Where is she from again?

Lisa: Temecula.

First Warm Day of the Year Red Carpet Cold Open

Dana Banes… Heidi Gardner

Jace L. Rio… Bowen Yang

Male voice: Live from Central Park, it’s the First Warm day Of the Year Arrivals Show.

Dana: Well folks, it’s mid April here in New York City. And the temperature hit 90 degrees this week, a full two months ahead of schedule. And while that may be terrifying on a climate level, the warm weather can only mean one thing. All the freaks, crazies and weirdos are heading to Central Park. And we’re expecting to see some iconic Park People today, aren’t we Jace?

Jace: We sure are, Dana. The mood here is electric. The smell of Halal food and horse manure is in the air. As I see, yes, I think it’s him. An absolute icon of the park, it’s an older man doing an aggressive power walk.

Mikey: Hi there.

Jace: First, dish on this outfit.

Mikey: Certainly. I’m wearing the tightest spandex shirt of all time. Little shorts and a weird Heart Rate Monitor strapped my arm.

Jace: Iconig. Can you give us a little preview of your walk?

Mike: Absolutely. [Mike starts walking around Jace] Behind you. Behind you. Behind you. On your left. Behind you. And there it is.

Jace: Wow. Gorgeous. Dana.

Dana: Well, Jace, I am starstruck right now as I am joined by not one but two perverts who came to the park to pleasure themselves.

Michael: Nice to be out of the subway.

Dana: I bet. Excited for the big day?

James: Oh, yeah, I got my modesty blanket and my binoculars. So I’m good to go.

Dana: Where should the police been looking for you?

Michael: Oh, come on, you know what to find your boys. In the bushes, baby.

Dana: Any new techniques this year?

James: Oh, just one. [He takes his real hand out of the coat. The hand in his pocket is a fake one.]

Dana: Oh my god. Is that a fake arm?

James: Yeah, yeah, it’s a fake arm.

Dana: Wow. Shame on you both. Jace?

Jace: Well, we were hoping she’d make an appearance. It’s a woman learning to rollerblade.

Molly: Yeah, I’ve always wanted to learn and I thought what better place than on a crowded pathway filled with thousands of people?

Jace: Horrible plan. Let’s see what you got.

Molly: Here I go. Oh, my God. [she falls down]

Jace: And she fell right away. Dana?

Dana: Well, look who I found, two have central parks finest, park employees who do not care about their job. How are you guys feeling?

Devon: We are very high right now. Yeah. Thank you for asking.

Dana: Amazing. Any warnings for those who violate park rules?

Punkie: You do you?

Dana: Inspiring words. Jace, I hear you spotted an absolute legend.

Jace: Well, I hope she’ll stop to talk. It’s a lady trying to tell someone where she is.

Ego: [on phone] Well, I don’t see you, bitch. Bitch, I’m right where I said I’d be. By the big tree. The big tree near the bridge. [walks out]

Jace: Oh, just Mr. Dana.

Dana: He is back. It’s a grown man with a drone who’s alone.

Andrew: Hey there.

Dana: And you won’t be filming girls laying out sunbathing, will you?

Andrew: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Nah.

Dana: I don’t believe you. Now, Jace, this guy is bad. But I hear you’re with one of the worst park people of all.

Jace: I sure am. It’s a guy with the clipboard who wants to know if you have a second for a good cause? Now people absolutely hate you. Can you tell us why?

Marcello: Well, I think it’s because I zero in on folks trying to enjoy themselves and pester them for money.

Jace: Absolutely. Can we see that in action?

Marcello: You bet. [Mikey walks in] Hey, cool shirt.

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Marcello: Hey, come on. If you have a second for a good cause.

Mikey: I already donated.

Marcello: Come on, it’s two seconds.

Mikey: I’ve already done this before.

Jace: What an absolute pain in the ass. Dana.

Dana: It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s crazy man with the microphone.

Kenan: Good to be back for another year.

Dana: And I see you brought a lady friend with you?

Kenan: Yes, I sure did. This woman will be debating the nonsense that I scream as if I’m a rational man whose mind can be changed.

Dana: Can we get a preview?

Kenan: Oh of course.

Sarah: Our pleasure.

Kenan: Big Pharma created the Coronavirus.

Sarah: That is baloney.

Kenan: I got herpes from 5g.

Sarah: It is not even possible.

Kenan: So something like that.

Dana: Wow. I can’t tell who annoys me more. Jace?

Jace: Well, we’ve been waiting for her to arrive. It’s wealthy woman and child. And I got to ask, what’s the plan today?

Chloe: Well I’m taking Riley here to the playground where I’ll snap into an immediate panic if I lose sight of him for even one second. [the boy is missing already] Riley? [yelling] Riley?

Jace: Oh no.

[Ego walks in still talking on the phone]

Ego: Well, I still don’t see you. You know what? I’m done looking for your bitch. You come find me. I’ll be on the grass in a red bikini getting my ass some sun.

Jace: Well, we’ve got plenty more park people coming up including a woman with a giant out of control dog and a performance by some a whole playing an acoustic guitar. Keep it here and live-

Ego: I see you right now. Okay girl, I’m coming.

Jace and Dana: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Dog Acting School Commercial

Yolanda Batista… Ana de Armas

Donna Colonoscopini… Chloe Fineman

Yolanda Batista: Is your dog hot and it knows it?

Donna Colonoscopini: Has it cruised by on looks its entire life?

Yolanda Batista: Do you caught your dog looking at itself in the mirror?

Donna Colonoscopini: But it sucks in its cheeks like this? Then your jobs might be the perfect candidate for Enter Stage Woof acting school for dogs.

Yolanda Batista: Hi I’m Jolanda Batista.

Donna Colonoscopini: And I’m Donna Colonoscopini. And I semi-accredited school office acting training for canine kiddies like this. Get in here Henry. [pulls in a golden retriever] Oh boy. Now Sure, sure. Oh Henry.

Yolanda Batista: Oh, that’s-

Donna Colonoscopini: Henry is doing a little improv. Sure. Henry is the total package. Winning smile, golden logs and those big photogenic nuts.

Yolanda Batista: Good looks and everything. You know, casting directors want to see emotional range. Watch. Henry. You just found out you have worms. Show me shock. [the dog doesn’t react]

Donna Colonoscopini: Alright. Henry, you go into the vet to get clipped and they don’t mean your nails. Show me fear. [the dog doesn’t react, but a pair of artificial paws are covering its eyes] Perfect. You booked it.

Yolanda Batista: You may have seen the trailer for that movie “Strays.” None of our dogs got the job.

Donna Colonoscopini: But damn it, they got in the room. Just like Coco here. [pulls in a pug]

Yolanda Batista: Yes. Coco may not be classical beautiful, but she’s dripping in sex appeal.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, she ever? And she’ll go full nude if they pay the price.

Yolanda Batista: She’ll do it even if it’s not.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, look at those nips. Looking for a dog that can pull up romantic comedy? Then look no further than Romeo. [pulls in a dog] Yeah Romeo. It’s under contract to Disney. How? By learning our patented lady in the tramp technique. Watch. [she puts noodles in her mouth and tries to feed it to the dog] Wow. I think I’m in love.

Yolanda Batista: It’s adorable and castable.

Donna Colonoscopini: High-five Romeo. Well, he’s a regular Marlon Brando dog. Our instructors are ready to handle every aspect of your dog’s career from social media to headshots. And we can even cover up embarrassing scandals.

Yolanda Batista: Yeah, like if your dog is kinky and gets caught hooking up with a cat.

Donna Colonoscopini: Not convinced? Listen to the satisfied customer.

[Punkie walks in]

Punkie: This is my Tie. He has been taking classes here for years. In fact, you probably recognize him from the movie “Moonlight” where he was walking by on the beach during the handjob scene. That was a fun set. Thank you Dog Acting School.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, did someone say accent? Take a look at this talented Pooch.

Yolanda Batista: Biscuit, do French.

[voice over artist says something in French.]

Donna Colonoscopini: Wow, l’-woof. I think that means the bark.

Yolanda Batista: We even teach puppies like this little fella named Jelly Bean.

Donna Colonoscopini: Now, Jelly Bean just got casted a movie where he plays an alien that destroys Seattle. Let’s rehearse. Oh, Seattle. Oh, Seattle. Oh no, Seattle. Oh no. Oh no.

Yolanda Batista: Okay. Good job, Jelly Bean.

Donna Colonoscopini: Seattle more like dead. So enroll today and in no time your dog will be the next Clint Eastwood. At Enter Stage Woof, Acting School for Dogs.