Weekend Update Sasheer Zamata On Use Of N Word

Colin Jost

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Larry Wilmore hosted the White House Correspondence dinner last Saturday. He ended his speech by calling the president the N word which got a lot of people talking. Here to comment is our very own Sasheer Zamata.

[Sasheer Zamata slides in]

Sasheer Zamata: Hey. Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Sasheer. So, what do you think about what Larry Wilmore said?

Sasheer Zamata: Well, here’s the thing. There were more white people upset than black people. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] And the white people are the reason why that word is bad. FOX News had white people condemning it who definitely say it off camera. I’m amazed this is the first time someone called him the N word on TV. People have called the president the N word online for years. Just look at the comment sections of videos of him playing basketball, or pardoning a turkey, or a cat video. Besides, you can make any word terrible. If the word McGriddle was linked to slavery, we’d feel differently about that too. And I don’t want to be the reason why the people are mad at us this week. So instead of saying the N word, I’ll use ‘McGriddle’.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, McGriddle? Don’t take that word away from me. Can I still say McGrida?

Sasheer Zamata: [yelling] No! Maybe, if you really want to.

Colin Jost: Thank you.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer Zamata: Now, I got called McGriddle once in my life, thankfully. I was walking down the street with a friend and this dirty pickup truck comes barreling down the road. And this man yells, “Y’all McGriddles need to get on a boat and take your black asses back to McDonald’s.”

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, McDonald’s is Africa?

Sasheer Zamata: Yeah.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

I’m trying to make this analogy work. He had a confederate flag, vanity plate, truck nuts and a very red face. And I was like– He had all the things. It’s like he walked into a store and said, “I need to look as racist as I feel.” But he was old school racist. And at least he was upfront about it. That’s how I like my racists. Easily identifiable. These days people won’t publicly say the McG word but they’ll say thinly veiled words like thug, or ghetto, or athletic. I don’t know for– [pointing at the audience] Some people really liked that. [laughing] I don’t know if we’re ever gonna agree on the use of that word. I do know that word has a lot of history behind it. And if we ignore it, it feels like we’re ignoring the history.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

And I don’t like to ignore history.

Colin Jost: And so then, can we say it? Or…

Sasheer Zamata: It’s up to you, nigga!

Colin Jost: Back to you, Michael.

Sasheer Zamata: [laughing] Don’t be mad, it’s my birthday.

Colin Jost: Happy birthday. Sasheer Zamata, everyone.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Talks About Mother’s Day

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, tomorrow is Mother’s Day. With more on this is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete slides in]

You’re looking good.

Pete: Yeah, right? It was my idea.

Colin Jost: That’s great. Beautiful.

Pete: Thank you. I take Mother’s Day very seriously because [cut to Pete] my mom raised me and my sister by herself, and had to be dad and the mom. You know? As a kid, she was the school nurse and she always looked out for me. She would get me out of the scoliosis check or the hearing test.

[Cut to Pete and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you never had your hearing check?

Pete: [showing his sweatshirt] Nah, I got this from wardrobe. [Cut to Pete] See, she tried to teach me what to do with girls. She’d say like, put cologne on your palm so she’ll smell it after she gets home from the night of holding hands. And always ask a girl permission before you touch her boob, even if it’s already out. While I was fifteen, she even bought me my first pack of condoms. And then five years later when those expired, she bought me more. She was always defending me. No, she always defended me as a kid. My mom’s the best. But now, I think she needs to stop coz she’s still defending me as an adult. Like on twitter, she joined twitter with the fake username ‘joesmith3030’ so she could anonymously spy on me. And then immediately started tweeting at trolls. Like this. [a tweet appears] “No, YOU suck, don’t ever talk about Pete Davidson like that again. I will tear you apart with my bare hands. I’m his mother.” Or this jam. This one says, “@NBC, Hey Lauren Michaels. I think my son would be great in some sketches too. Winking face, #ImSingle, Wine glass emoji.”

These are real. That’s what it said. You know my mom. So, I’m here to ask for help. I want to find my mom what she really needs this Mother’s Day. And that’s a man. Coz she deserves it. You know? Like, I’m not looking for a step dad material. I don’t want to have to like, learn your name. Ma, are you video taping this?

[Cut to Pete’s mom recording]

Pete’s mom: Hi, sweetheart. How are you doing?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: I’m trying to tell everybody how much I love you and you making it really hard right now.

[cut to Pete’s mom]

Pete’s mom: Okay. Don’t forget to smile.

[Cut to Pete and Colin Jost]

Pete: Please, kill me. Everybody, this is ridiculous.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson and his mom.

Pete: My mom is the best.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

[The End]

Weekend Update Laura Parsons

Laura Parsons… Vanessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our news casts of Tomorrow segment, where a lucky kid joins me to read the news. Tonight we have the young actress who is in the upcoming Nickelodeon movie ‘The Lunch Bunch Detectives’, here’s Laura Parsons.

[Laura slides in smiling]

Laura: Hello, Michael. It’s so great to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
Hey, Michael Che, did you hear today,
it’s all in the news

Michael Che: That’s so sweet. So what’s going on in the world this week, Laura?

Laura: Well, Michael, looks like Donald Trump is going to become the republican nominee for president.

Michael Che: That’s right. And frankly, some people are very upset about that.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: I’m not sure why. So many people like him. Like governor Rick Perry, Hulk Hogan, and [shouting] the KKK.

Michael Che: Okay. [Cut to Michael Che and Laura] Laura, do you know what the KKK is?

Laura: Um, little bit. I saw them on TV. [Cut to Laura] My mom says they wear their sheets all the time so they’re always ready for bad.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Yes, that’s true.

Laura: [shouting] And they want everyone dead except whites.

Michael Che: Laura! I think that story is too adult for you.

Laura: Sorry Michael. [Cut to Laura] Like old man Cronkite used to say, “I don’t make the news. I just read it fellas.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Okay, but Laura, don’t you have any stories that are more appropriate for you age group?

Laura: Oh, I know. Kids love apps. Personally, I love Candy Crush app. Sweet. [looks at Michael Che and smiles] [Cut to Laura] But studies have shown that apps like Tinder and Grindr have led to increased cases [shouting] of STDs.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: STDs? Where did you hear that?

Laura: I’m not sure. [Cut to Laura] I think STD stands for Seriously Terrible Dates, [screaming] because every one has herpes.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Laura! Do you even know what herpes is?

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Sure do. It’s when your down stair says, “Ai-yai-yai.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Okay, Laura, do you have any fun news?

Laura: How about this? KFC just released a nail polish that makes your fingers smell like chicken. Yum.

Michael Che: You see, now that’s a cute story.

Laura: Speaking of smelly fingers–

Michael Che: No! That’s enough. Thank you. You did a great job but I think it’s time for you to go.

Laura: Great job? Wow. Thanks Michael. [Cut to Laura] Guess I’m a hit.

[singing] And that’s in the news.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Laura, everybody.

[The End]

 

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a python at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Florida arrested a man who tried to steal a baby python from a pet store by stuffing down his pants. But it’s not what you think. The man was just using the python to get rid of that gerbil in his ass.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chinese flag and caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s a good idea. A boy in China has been born with 31 fingers and toes. So, it’s safe to say he’s gonna be pretty good at math.

Michael Che: it’s safe to say it.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Some fans of the movie Frozen [picture changes to Elsa from the movie Frozen] have launched a hashtag campaign to get Disney to turn the character Elsa into a lesbian. While other fans have already done that [pointing to his brain] up here. And if this campaign works, it would make Elsa Disney’s first lesbian character… since I’m gonna say Ursula? [Picture changes to the Disney character Ursula] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Puerto Rican flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A report shows that Puerto Ricans are moving off the island in record numbers with an average of 230 leaving Puerto Rico a day. And somehow they all moved into the apartment above me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Christian cross and Philadelphia map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Philadelphia man who carries a cross and calls himself Jesus was arrested for trespassing. The man played not guilty to trespassing and also forgave those who trespassed against him. Christian!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cover photo of the movie Glory at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A teacher in Utah violated policy when he used the N word before showing his 8th grade class the civil war movie ‘Glory’. The teacher apologized explaining that at the time, he just couldn’t remember Denzel Washington’s name.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Caitlyn Jenner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was rumored that former Olympian Caitlyn Jenner was set to appear nude on an upcoming cover of Sports Illustrated. It’s the kind of brave bold choice that makes me think, “I shouldn’t have gotten my grandpa that subscription.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an elephant at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This past weekend marked the final appearance of elephants in the Ringling Brothers & Barnum Bailey circus. The elephants will be sent to an animal sanctuary which is a lot nicer than where they send their retired clowns. [Picture changes to a garbage container full of clowns.] That’s why I never met an ex clown.

[Picture changes to Beyonce and Jay-Z]

Insiders are saying that Jay-Z is now working on his own album that is a response to Beyonce’s new album Lemonade. Because the one thing you should always do when your girl is pissed off at you is try to get the last word.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul LePage at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Maine governor Paul LePage who has a reputation for voting a vetoing legislation has named his new dog “Veto”. Sort of like how Hillary Clinton [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] named her new dog ‘Redacted due to ongoing congressional investigation’. Catchy.

[Picture changes to 2016 Rio Olympic logo]

The 2016 Olympic torch arrived this week in Brazil where runners will begin their relay race to Rio wearing the country’s official Olympic uniform. [Picture changes to a person carrying the Olympic torch who is wearing a yellow protective suit.] I mean Brazil, what’s going on? The stadiums aren’t finished. The water is poisoned. Your president just got impeached. And instead of giving out medals, they’re giving out zika virus. I think Brazil has to deal with this whole mess the Brazilian way. Just tear it all out by the roots and start over again, nice and smooth. Maybe just leave a little landing strip so people can fly in and out. Anyway, happy Mother’s Day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of handcuffs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study finds that the most common names of male criminals are Juan and Jeremy. Which is very bad news for famed Mexican porn star, Juan Jeremy.

[The End]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it happened. Donald Trump has secured the republican nomination and no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds less like a headline and more like the ominous beginning of a Star Wars movie. And even though this has been coming for months, everyone still seems shocked. Even Trump said he was surprised. I bet if you told Trump a year ago that he’d be the republican nominee, he would have said, “But I’m a democrat.” And remember, Donald Trump promised that once he got the nomination he was gonna be “So presidential”, which is why the first thing he did on Cinco de Mayo was tweet out a [picture changes to Donald Trump eating taco bowl in his office desk.] photo of himself eating a taco bowl with a caption saying, “I love Hispanics.” First of all, a taco bowl sounds like what Trump would call a group of Mexicans in a hot tub. Also, dude, clean your office. I mean look at you. You’re eating off a stack of newspapers like a world’s richest hamster. And you’re giving a type of weird thumbs up you usually see from a brain damaged boxer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s the same picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Let’s look around that office. He’s got loose blueprints just lying around like he’s Howard Hughes. He’s got framed photos all of himself stacked three deep and he has not one but two bobbleheads of Donald Trump planking what I can only assume is a tiny Oscar trophy he made for himself for his work in Home Alone II. [Picture changes to a scene from Donald Trump’s part in Home Alone II]

I still can’t believe that republicans let Donald Trump win the nomination fair and square. I mean if there was ever a time to cheat, this would be it. I don’t even know you guys counted votes. All this time, the other republican nominees were selected by a secret society of rich old white dudes playing butt naked leap frog in a sacred temple. And you actually count votes. I feel so lied to. I mean where is that spooky right wing illuminati when you need em’? ReallY?

You know, I’m starting to think you guys aren’t lizard people at all.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Here’s my prediction, okay? I really think now that Trump has the nomination, he’s gonna become president. Okay? People don’t like to admit it in public, but they secretly really like Trump. Everywhere I go I’m like, “You guys like Trump?” And they’re like, “Boo, no.” And then I’m like, “Are you gonna vote for him?” And they’re like, “Probably.” And yes, a lot of people hate Trump, but don’t forget, a lot of people hate Hillary too. [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] No one’s really happy with either of these choices. It’s like if you’re in the mood for soup, so you go to the diner to get some soup. But the only two options they have left are pumpkin corn chowder or Hillary Clinton. And they’re like, “On second thought, I’m not that hungry.”

Quiz Whiz

Dana… Cecily Strong

Male contestant… Taran Killam

Female contestant… Brie Larson

[Starts with Quiz Whiz intro]

Dana: Hello, and welcome back to Quiz Whiz, 2018. Your favorite game show that as a reminder takes place today in the year 2018. Now, our contestants have been battling it out and are now tied with one question left. Contetants, are you ready?

Male Contestant: All ready, Dana.

Female Contestant: Couldn’t be more ready, Dana.

Dana: Okay. Now, neither of you gotten a single question wrong so far. Which means this is for all the Quiz Whiz glory. First to buzz in with a correct answer win.s

Male Contestant: It’s gonna be me.

Female Contestant: No way, I’ve got this.

Dana: Okay. Well, here’s your question. In the year 2016, Donald Trump won the republican nomination for president. But what was the name of the man who came in second?

[Male Contestant and Female Contestant are thinking]

Male Contestant: Um…

Female Contestant: Shoot!

Male Contestant: Ugh! What was that guy’s–

Female Contestant: God! What was his…

Male Contestant: Oh!

Dana: Now as a reminder, he was on TV for 13 straight months. He was a major player in the election. It was Donald Trump first, John Kasich third.

Female Contestant: Yeah, I know John Kasich.

Male Contestant: Of course, John Kasich. Yeah.

Female Contestant: But who was that other guy that came in second?

Male Contestant: Uh! God! I’m trying to picture him but my brain’s showing me nothing.

Dana: Yes, that’s him.

Female Contestant: I- I can’t even remember his face. I’m just sort of seeing this blah…

Dana: Yeah, yeah, you’ve got it.

Male Contestant: Ugh, gosh! It’s on tip of my– what is it? Oh! Tongue! Yes, it’s on the tip of my tongue but no, I don’t know who the guy is.

Dana: Okay. Maybe this will help. In the final week of his campaign, he began a vicious crusade against transgender people.

Female Contestant: Right at the end?

Dana: Yes. Days before. What’s his name?

Male Contestant: God, I feel like I should know this. I mean, I am transgender.

Dana: Yeah. We all are. It’s 2018.

Male Contestant: Right. Dana, I would like to use my first lifeline. I’d like a visual clue.

Dana: Alright. Hands on your buzzers. Here it is.

[a picture of Carly Fiorina appears on the screen.

[Male Contestant and Female Contestant are looking excited, ready to press the buzzer.]

Male Contestant: Can’t wait for that clue, Dana.

Female Contestant: Tell us when you put up that clue, Dana.

Dana: Well, I just did. that’s it. That’s a photo of Carly Fiorina. She was this candidate’s vice president.

Male Contestant: Wait, what?

Female Contestant: He didn’t win the nomination but he had a vice-president?

Male Contestant: Named Cari Ferrari?

Female Contestant: Dana, I’d like to phone a friend. His name is Crichard. He teaches political history at Harvard and he will know this for sure.

[phone ringing]

Crichard: Hello, this is Crichard.

Female Contestant: Hello Crichard, it’s me. I’m on Quiz Whiz 2018 and I have a question.

Crichard: Oh. One second. I am driving. Let me just pull over to the side. Up the air. This is a flying car.

Female Contestant: Yes, of course. Okay Crichard, in twentysixteen, Donald Trump won the republican nomination.

Crichard: Yes. Yes. I definitely know this.

Female Contestant: What was the name of the man who came in second?

Crichard: Aii! Oh! Ah!

Female Contestant: Crichard, five seconds.

Crichard: Oh, and four and three and two and one and zero. Okay, goodbye.

Dana: Okay contestands, to help you out, we’re gonna give you two letters of his name. Here they are.

[The screen shows “T_ _ C _ _ _”] [buzzer sound]

Male Contestant: Dana, I have it finally. Top Crap.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Dana: Oh. I’m sorry. That’s what he was voted in high school. We are looking for his name. Mark, you’re out.

Male Contestant: Well, I guess I’ll just head back home, on to Mars. You know, its 2018.

Female Contestant: Dana, I know that I can get this and I would like to use my final lifeline.

Dana: Your super clue. Are you sure? It will cost you 1,000 Quizzi-whizzies.

Female Contestant: I’m sure.

Dana: Okay. Are you ready? Here is your super clue. Heidi, he’s your husband.

Female Contestant: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. That is right. I forgot we did- we did do that whole thing together. Oh, god! That was so sad. He like, elbowed me on the face at the end. Okay, yeah. Of course I know what this is. Okay. [presses the buzzer button.] Final answer, Sus. I mean Ted. Cruz. Ted Cruz.

Dana: Yes. That’s correct. Heidi, you win. Thanks for watching. This has been Quiz Whiz, 2018. All hail president Trump.

[Dana, Male Contestant and Female Contestant come together and put their hands on their hearts.] [A picture of Donald Trump wearing King’s Crown is dropped behind them]

All: [singing] Trump my fearless leader
his penis big and true

[The End]

Near-Death Experience

Aidy Bryant

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Brie Larson

Rapordy… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with two doctors interviewing three women in American Medical Association]

Aidy: I’m Dr. Rhodes and this is Dr. Christian. Now, we know you’ve been through a lot this past week. And we appreciate you being here.

Bobby: Yes. The fact that you three were technically dead for 55 minutes makes your near death experience of great interest to the scientific community.

Cecily: This is nuts, man! I mean, we were just gal pals on a road trip who took a wrong turn into a lake. And now we’re medical miracles.

Aidy: Indeed. Now after your car became submerged and you lost consciousness, what was your first lucent memory?

Cecily: Um, my soul was gently lifted out of my body by like, a beautiful glowing being and it said, “I am your guardian angel. You are safe with me.” And then we just floated up out of the car into the sky.

Brie: Same here. My angel said, “Take my hand, dear child.” We floated up pretty high but I wasn’t scared. I felt like infused with this warm loving energy.

Bobby: And you, miss Rapordy?

Rapordy: Yeah, similar concept, different execution. [smoking a cigarette] My angel said, “I’m Keith. Hold on.” And then he violently yanked my soul up out of my body by the waist band in my sweatpants.

Aidy: And did you also feel loving energy?

Rapordy: No. No. What I mostly felt was the pinching of an epic lady wedge. Coz I was being freaking air-lifted by the crotch in my sweatpants and it was jacked up into my coo-coo.

Bobby: I see. And this all occurred while you were floating.

Rapordy: Yeah, I wouldn’t call it float. Uh, Keith would ratchet us into the air and quick 5 foot spurts followed by sudden stops. I think if I was a role, it would be employee of the month.

Bobby: I see. Now, after you left your bodies, what happened next?

Cecily: Um, I was in a tunnel and at the end there was a bright glow like, beaconing me forward. I drifted to the light with my angel. I don’t know. It felt like I was going like, home.

Brie: Yeah. I mean, it sounds corny but the close I got to the light, the more my heart filled with love.

Rapordy: What? These two Cinderellas are going to the ball. Meanwhile, cut to my tunnel, which is a 6 miles long steep slope that Keith made me run down in flip-flops. And now mind you, my sweats were so stretched out, they kept falling off. So I just had to kick em’ off. And now, I’m full Donald Ducking it. And I’m hoofing down a 45 degree decline with my fun-bun and mud-gun hanging out playing view.

Bobby: Now, what occurred when you all reached the end of this tunnel?

Cecily: In the light, I saw my mama. She said, “I’m always with you, baby.” I just never wanted to let go.

Brie: I saw my grand daddy. He took my hand. He didn’t say anything. He just smiled and happy cried. Words can’t describe how amazing it was.

Rapordy: Well, again I stray from the pack here. So, I get into my light and out come thousands of dogs. All sizes, all breeds. Just dogs running around, playing and yapping and nipping at each other. And I’m sporting no pants. So, I’m fighting off to gaggle at cold snouts trying to sniff my drainer and my stainer. Look, at least somebody’s interested, right?

Aidy: And now, do dogs have special significance in your life?

Rapordy: No. No. No. I think Keith bached and sent me to dog heaven. By this point, it’s pretty clear, Keith was learning on the job.

Aidy: Do any of you remember the moment you essentially came back to life?

Brie: Yeah. My angel said to me, “It is not your time.” And then cradled me like a baby, took me back down and gently placed my soul back into my body.

Cecily: Yeah. It felt like being tucked into bed by your mama.

Rapordy: Okay. Now I am actually a little ticked off. My angel jammed my soul into my body like it was shoving a carry on into a crowded over head bin. I was like, “Keith, bud, maybe come up with a different game plan here.” And he was like, “No, no. I can make it fit.” And he was using his elbows, jamming on my soul.

Bobby: Now, why do you think it was so difficult?

Rapordy: Alright, my theory is this. Keith accidentally grabbed one of the dead dog’s souls and stuffed it into my body. Coz I’m pretty sure the soul of the Scottish Terrier has set up shop in my right knocker.

Aidy: What is it that makes you think that?

Rapordy: Well, whenever the doorbell rings, my knocker goes crazy. It’s like, I’m– I gotta–

[Raporty grabs Cecily’s right breast]

It’s like this. [shaking Cecily’s breast] Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr.

Cecily: Well, why don’t you just demonstrate on yourself?

Rapordy: I didn’t want to wake him up.

Aidy: Well, this is all very fascinating. Well, if you’ll follow me, we’d like to do some light brain mapping.

[everybody stand]

Rapordy: Alright. Let’s just make it quick coz I think someone’s up now. [looking at her breasts] Sit! Sit!

[The End]

Johnny Shadow

Chris Fitzpatrick… Kyle Mooney

Scott Thurman… Beck Bennett

C.C. Toxic… Brie Larson

[Starts with three band members recording themselves]

Chris: What’s up Kickstarter. I’m Chris Fitzpatrick.

Scott: I’m Scott Thurman.

C.C. Toxic: And I am C.C. Toxic. And we are…

All: Discree Annihilation.

Chris: Bitch!

[cut to video clips of their band playing metal music] [Cut back to the recording]

Chris: And we want you to donate $750,000 so we can record out 5 track debut E.P..

Scott: Put our worldwide tour.

C.C. Toxic: And produce our web exclusive feature length film…

All: Johnny Shadow.

Chris: So, who are we? Discreet Annihilation is a brand new band that was formed this summer. We are all whites but do black-style raps and combine it with actually good music like electric guitars. Scott’s dad used to be a train conductor. Boy does he got some stories to tell. Now, you might be saying…

C.C. Toxic: “We get it. You guys are definitely not corporate clones and you actually make good ass music. Did you say something about a movie?”

Scott: “Yeah! It’s called Johnny Shadow, right? Sounds revolutionary. What’s it all about?”

Chris: Johnny Shadow is about renegade living in a future society run by the evil Dr. Conformity. Most movies are boring, romantic little bitch, brainwash bubblegum. This movie’s different. Johnny is very creative with his lyrics, and he rides a blue motorcycle. What am I doing talking so much? Let’s watch the exclusive preview.

[Cut to the preview. Chris is being approached by the corporate music producers.] [Scott and C.C. Toxic wearing suits and mask]

C.C. Toxic: You must join us Mr. Shadow. Wear these named branded clothes and become a mainstream slave.

Chris: No way. I’ve got another idea.

[rock music playing] [Chris shoots the corporates with a machine gun]

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Scott and C.C. Toxic open their masks]

C.C. Toxic: [sigh] Thank you, Johnny. We’re not corporate drones anymore.

[Cut to video clips of police cars blowing up.] [Cut back to the recording]

Scott: And now for your da-da-da-da-Donation Rewards!

Chris: For $10, you’ll get a digital download of the album and we’ll post a picture of you on our band’s official Instagram account.

Scott: $25, you’ll get one of my hand-drawn funny cartoon character families. [showing the hand drawn picture] The Fooblers. Plus, the Instagram pic and digital download of our album.

C.C. Toxic: For a $1,000, you get the Fooblers drawing, the download Instagram tag and a Discreet Annihilation Identification card which allows you to fly yourself out and be our intern.

Chris: For $5,000, you get the ID card, the Fooblers drawing, the digital download, tagged Instagram, autographed baseball and [a picture of Chris on a dining table holding a rose appears] a dinner date with your’s truly. Hey, I don’t discriminate, except if you gotta be a skinny stripper.

Scott: And last but not least, as a contributor at our executive zombie level for $100,000, you’ll get the Fooblers, download, gram, baseball, snickers bar, ID, bandana, dinner date and we’ll send you a personalized rap ty C.C. Toxic using your name.

[Cut to C.C. Toxic’s rap]

C.C. Toxic: C. Tox coming after you, bout to attack you, Kevin!

[Cut to the recording]

Chris: Thank you. Maybe this will put you over the edge.

[Chris puts on the sun glasses]

Scott: What is that?

Chris: It’s Johnny Shadow.

[The End]

Game of Thrones- Jon Snow

Tormund… Bobby Moynihan

Edd… Beck Bennett

Ser Davos… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Brie Larson

Melisandre… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Jon snow… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the intro of The Game Of Thrones] [Cut to the scene where Jon Snow is dead and his body is lying.]

Tormund: Well, Jon Snow is dead.

Edd: Yes, he’s dead for good. But he might be the heir to the iron throne.

Ser Davos: Oh, well. Not anymore. Because of how dead he is.

Tormund: What should we do with the body? Bury him?

Ser Davos: No. I think with this one, we just leave him out for a few days on this slab so that everyone can see how dead he really is.

Edd: Boy, he is dead.

Tormund: He is the deadest.

Ser Davos: Dead… for sure.

Cecily : Oh, my god. This is so slow.

Brie : Just bring him back to life already.

Cecily : Yeah. We all know it’s gonna happen. Just do it.

Ser Davos: No, it is not going to happen because he is super dead. On a scale of one to ten, he is like a ten of dead.

Edd: Totally, Ser Davos. But wait. Does Jon Snow have to be…

Ser Davos: Have to be what?

Edd: Have to be dead?

Cecily : No! He doesn’t. So let’s wake him up and pop on a horse and fight someone or something.

Brie : Yeah. Because we only get ten hours in a year, people. We spent two in this room.

Cecily : Yeah, right now we’re doing [gesturing stretching with her hands] this and we need to be doing [gesturing running fast with her hands] this.

[Melisandre walks in]

Melisandre: Hello. It is I, Melisandre. Remember? With thousand year old posts?

Ser Davos: Melisandre, seeing you gives me an idea. Can you bring Jon Snow back to life with your magic?

Melisandre: Hmm, maybe. Let me think about for a full ten minutes.

Ser Davos: And while you think, let’s stare both traumatically.

[close cuts to Ser Davos and Melisandre staring here and there]

Cecily : Holy crap. I mean, you guys must feel how slow this is.

Brie : I mean, what is this? A play? Let’s go do something. Our world is so cool. We have giants, we have dragons, we have quidditch.

Cecily : Oh, that’s Harry Potter.

Brie : Oh, whatever.

Ser Davos: I have done plenty of exciting things with my life. Remember last year when I learned to read?

Cecily : No. Actually I went to the bathroom during all those scenes.

[Kenan  walks in]

Kenan : Move aside. I’m here to see Jon Snow. I heard he’s alive again.

Cecily : No. They still haven’t done it.

Brie : He’s still on the slab.

[Kenan  looking at the body]

Kenan : [squeaky voice] Whaaaaat?

Melisandre: Okay. Update. I have decided to do my magic. But a warning. It only works if it’s done very slowly. First, I must wash his body. That’s part of the magic for sure.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

Not yet.

[Jon Snow dies again]

And maybe not ever, my magic may not work. This is real edge of the seat kind of thing. And now, what everyone has been waiting a year to see. I shall cut his hair.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

Not yet, kid!

Jon Snow: [whispering] Sorry.

Melisandre: And now I throw his hair into tiny little fire, one strand at a time.

Kenan : [yelling] Pick up the pace, woman!

Melisandre: Never mind the pace. I’m sure they’re cutting away to King’s Landing or something while I do all this boring stuff.

Cecily : No, no, no. They’re not. They’re staying on us.

Brie : Yeah, they’re showing us. This all in real time.

Melisandre: Wait, they are? A-yai-yai. Abraka-dabra. You’re alive.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

It worked. What a twist.

Brie : Finally.

Cecily : Come on, out to the good stuff.

Jon Snow: I miss my family. Take me to Bran. I wanna see what Bran’s up to.

All: No!

[The End]