Weekend Update- Tom Cruise Returns Golden Globes & Ohio State Massage Therapist

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Tom Cruise at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that Tom Cruise protested the lack of diversity at the Hollywood Foreign Press by returning his three Golden Globe statues, which was tough for him because they were sitting in pretty high shelves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Jeff Bezos has begun building a new $500 million yacht. In response, Elon Musk has begun building a $600 million iceberg.

[Picture changes to Subway]

New York city has begun offering vaccine outside of Subway stations, but I think they could have picked a better slogan than “Get shot on the subway”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Uncle Ben’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Uncle Ben’s rice which has been criticized for perpetuating racial stereotype has officially changed it’s name to Ben’s Original. Now, I’m no expert but I don’t think the problem was that he was an uncle.

[Picture changes to Lynyrd Skynyrd band logo]

Police in Florida are searching for a man who stole more than $ 12,000 worth of Lynyrd Skynyrd memorabilia. $12,000 worth? So, all of it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chicago city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Chicago officials announced that they were releasing more than Colin Jost,000 feral cats into the city to help combat it’s growing rat problem. Or as the Chicago health commissioner explained it, “Da cats combat da rats and dat’s dat!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of guns at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I’m stunned. Navy officials boarded a ship in the Arabian sea and discovered weapons stash so large that it covered the deck of the US missile ship. Fortunately, the weapons are being returned to the US where they can safely be sold to the mentally disturbed.

[Picture changes to a squirrel and a pigeon.]

A group of researchers are trying to determine why humans have a desire to feed other animals so much as birds and squirrels, but if I had to guess, it’s probably because their wife passed away. [Picture changes to an old man sitting alone at the park feeding the pigeons] I don’t know why I thought that would make you laugh.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s Ohio State University logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Ohio State University reported that a massage therapist had sex with at least five of their football players. This story was first reported in a pitch to high school recruits.

Weekend Update- Liz Cheney on the Republican Party

Colin Jost

Liz Chaney… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, Liz Cheney lost her leadership position this week for criticizing Trump. Here to comment is Liz Chaney.

[Liz Chaney slides in]

Liz Chaney: Hello. Hi, everyone.

Colin Jost: Thank you for being here. It’s been quite a week for you.

Liz Chaney: That’s right. I was kicked out of the republican party. I fell down to hell like Lil Nas X. I cracked with the devil and bounced back up on to MSNBC. Colin, the republican party is changing. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did wrong. Look at me, I am everything a conservative woman is supposed to be. Blonde, mean…

Colin Jost: And?

Liz Chaney: I was done. And Colin, it’s going to be okay because people are on my side. Brave republicans ready to speak to truth and start a movement. And there are more of us than you think.

Colin Jost: Oh, really? Like, who?

Liz Chaney: It’s me, Adam Kinzinger, Chris Wallace, Dick Chaney, and Romney, her horses, Colin Jost… fingers crossed.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, I’m not joining.

Liz Chaney: Are you sure? George Conway, Nancy Regan’s ghost, Meghan McCain… is not in, but I’m working on her. It’s Jared–

Colin Jost: Kushner?

Liz Chaney: No, Subway. Colin, this is the grand implosion of Trumpism. You don’t even know the size of the tsunami that’s coming. We’re talking me, Omorosa, five white women, maybe six. Have I said me?

Colin Jost: Yes. Several times.

Liz Chaney: I know, Colin. I know. It’s not great. Conservatives are leaving me high and dry. And what more can I do for you people? I oppose gay marriage even though my own sister is a les. I even tried to take away protections for gray bulls. If gay marriage is number one for lesbians, wolf rescue is number two. I shoot buffalo in the ass. And I am not conservative enough? To borrow a line, I’m sure Colin uses a lot, “Do you know who my father is?”

Colin Jost: I’ve never said that.

Liz Chaney: Republicans, I’m trying to save you. You’re like horses who won’t leave a burning barn. You’re gonna die. Accept the help. Trump lost… to my chagrin. I voted for him. I loved him like a straight sister. But he lost. And he incited a riot and that’s the truth. And I will do everything in my power to keep him from becoming president again.

Colin Jost: Great. And what is that?

Liz Chaney: It’s going to be me, Lisa Murkowski’s mom–

Colin Jost: Liz Chaney, everyone.

Liz Chaney: And Melania. This is her idea. She needs this.

Weekend Update- CDC Lifts Mask Mandate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost:  Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of CDC logo and a mask at left top corner.]

Guys, great news this week. The CDC announced the fully vaccinated people no longer have to wear a masks or socially distance. Except, if you go to most places.

[List of mask still required: Airports, hospitals, buses, schools, planes, Target, trains, Starbucks, subways, New York.]

Anyway, have fun out there. After the announcement, president Biden told Americans to take off their masks and smile. Even though ‘take it off and smile’ is the first example of every work place harassment seminar.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a poor family getting evicted on a Christmas eve’, he reacted to the news that masks were no longer required by lowering his mask and saying “Free at last”, which is so wildly tone deaf. It’s like Matt Gaetz took of his mask and said, “I feel like a kid again.”

[Cut to Michael Che. Theres a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to recent studies, men who have had covid can experience erectile dysfunction and some have even reported decrease in the size of their penis. Now, that’s how you sell some masks. I mean, Fauci, you want people to get vaccinated, you need to run with this. Instead of “Stop the spread”, it should be “Stop the shrink”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of CDC, Pfizer and moderna logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The CEC said that a number of new study shows that Pfizer and Moderna vaccines are effective against new variants of covid. CDC also said that Johnson&Johnson is trying really hard, you guys. And study also says that after restrictions lifted, 60% of Americans want to try something new this summer. “But not that”, said your girlfriend.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Liz Cheney at right top corner.]

Michael Che: House of republicans voted to remove Liz Cheney from her party leadership role after she continued to challenge Donald Trump’s lie that the election was stolen. Wow, I never thought I’d find myself feeling bad for Liz Cheney and I was right, I don’t.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of IBM logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: IBM announced that it’s created the world’s smallest and most powerful microchip. [picture changes to news article saying ‘Vaccine conspiracy theories’] Not now!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steve Scalise at right top corner.]

Michael Che: House Minority Whip Steve Scalise released a letter outlining the republican agenda which includes stopping Nancy Pelosi socialist agenda. Oh, please. The only way Nancy Pelosi has a socialist agenda is if socialist is the name of a restaurant in Napa Valley.

Weekend Update- Bob Baffert on Medina Spirit’s Failed Drug Test

Michael Che

Bob Baffert… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Monday, Medina Spirit, the horse that won this year’s Kentucky Derby tested positive for steroids. Here to comment is Medina Spirit’s trainer, Bob Baffert.

[Bob Baffert slides in]

Bob Baffert: Michael, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Sure, Bob. So, your horse tested positive for steroids but you deny any involvement?

Bob Baffert: Of course, I deny it, Michael. Bob Baffert’s not stupid. I don’t cheat. Do I look like a shady character to you?

Michael Che: Honestly, yes, Bob. Yes, you do.

Bob Baffert: I have no idea how my horse could have tested positive. Could be anything. Maybe, he went to one of those silly Patch Adams hospitals, slipped on a banana peel, fell onto a syringe of testosterone, boom, positive test. Or, maybe he hooked up with another horse who was positive. You can contract steroids through oral, Michael.

Michael Che: That sounds very unlikely.

Bob Baffert: You don’t know horse stuff, Michael. It’s okay. You have to understand, he had a very traumatic upbringing. He fell out of his mother’s hole, then I got right on his face and said, “Run, you little bitch.”

Michael Che: That’s really intense, man.

Bob Baffert: Yes, it’s horse stuff. It’s really intense. Bottomline, I have won seven Kentucky Derbies. Seven. And I have trained tons of thoroughbreds, all clean. American Pharoah, Silver Charm, Mark McGuire, Justify, Super Jacked Kangaroo.

Michael Che: Really? And all of them are clean?

Bob Baffert: Almost as a whistle, Michael. Medina Spirit is a victim of cancel culture. They’re trying to cancel him because he’s big and strong and white.

Michael Che: I think he’s brown.

Bob Baffert: He’s Italian, Michael. Come on. I mean, sure, Medina Spirit ain’t perfect. He’s moody, temperamental and he exposed himself on a Zoom. It’s normal horse stuff, folks. Come on. The wild animals for crimes sake.

Michael Che: Well, it sounds like pretty toxic environment.

Bob Baffert: Michael, please. Calling a horse toxic can ruin its reputation. Okay?

Michael Che: Well, I guess I didn’t realize that.

Bob Baffert: Yes, you didn’t. You wouldn’t. It’s okay but don’t worry about it. I think people got to know, Medina Spirit is actually a really cool guy. Check it out. [A picture of a horse flexing it’s arms like humans appears on right top corner.] He’s got everything that a normal horse has. Throbbing muscles, backne, a perfect square Zac Efron jaw, baseball bat shaft, pea-sized ball.

Michael Che: You call that a normal horse?

Bob Baffert: Yes, Michael. And here he is on vacation.

Michael Che: Is he at a Mexican pharmacy?

Bob Baffert: Oh, now horse can’t party? Come on, Michael. And here he is hitting his 73rd home run.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, Medina Spirit actually tested clean before racing in today’s peakness.

Bob Baffert: Yes. I checked it myself and it tested fine.

Michael Che: Wow. So, how did he do?

Bob Baffert: Well, he fell apart out there. He’s nothing without his roids.

Michael Che: Alright. Bob Baffert everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Andrew Dismukes on Great-Grandmas

Colin Jost

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: This week, a great grandmother of of three received a college degree from Samford University at the age of 78. Here to talk about his great grandmother is Andrew Dismukes.

[Andrew Dismukes slides in]

Andrew Dismukes: Hey, Colin. How are you doing?

Colin Jost: I’m good. How have you been?

Andrew Dismukes: I’ve been good. This pandemic has been crazy.

Colin Jost: Yes. I was just saying that to someone the other day. So, tell us about your great grandmother.

Andrew Dismukes: A little bit of context for anyone who hasn’t read my photoless wikipedia page, I’m from Texas. Great. Got to play the crowd. Look, I don’t ever want to seem like I’m bashing on the place that I’m from or how it’s brought up because I’m a proud Texan. I’m Texan through and through. I love Texas barbecue, I love Willie Nelson, and well into my adulthood, I thought that Frazier was British. I was telling everyone that I knew confidently that Frazier was British. And then one day someone was like, “Actually, no. He is just fancy.” It blew my mind. Anyway, I feel like Texas gets ragged on a lot just because of what it does and the laws it passes and the way it’s people are, which isn’t fair. But I’m very grateful to everyone down there who helped raise me including my great grandmother.

Colin Jost: Oh, cool. Well, I’m glad we finally arrived at the topic that you came out to discuss. That’s great, man.

Andrew Dismukes: Well, I wanted to do my Frazier joke which crushed. Good call, Andrew. Anyway, I was lucky enough to get to grow up most of my childhood while my great grandmother was still alive and getting to know her was really cool. Her name was ‘Old Maw Maw’. That’s what we called her to her face. Much to her protest. I guess we thought that ‘Maw Maw’ on its own wouldn’t properly convey how old this woman was. But every now and then, you’d have to go sit with Old Maw Maw. It wasn’t my favorite thing to do, but I do have one good memory from sitting with Old Maw Maw. She had cable. We did not have cable. So, one time Old Maw Maw and I watched the Disney channel original movie ‘Brink’. Yeah! Got some Brink-heads in the house.

Colin Jost: I cannot believe people here have seen Brink.

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah. Brink Nation is huge. You’ve seen Brink?

Colin Jost: Oh, love it. Definitely know what it is. Love it.

Andrew Dismukes: Well, for those of you who don’t know, Brink is a movie about in-line roller blading gangs who battle it out. And I watch that movie with a woman who was born in the Colin Jost800s. It made zero sense to her. She was like, “What is a Disney channel original movie?” I was like, “I don’t know! Usually it just means it’s like bad. Usually, they’re just not that great. And they’re all about how, “Ah! Middle school stuff! But also, I’m a mummy.” That’s what they’re all about.

Colin Jost: Wow. Did you really yell at your grandmother like that?

Andrew Dismukes: No. I ignored her and I think eventually she forgot I was there.

Colin Jost: Andrew Dismukes, everyone.

The Muppet Show

Kermit the frog

Lily Tomlin… Melissa Villaseñor

Audience puppet 1

Audience puppet 2

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Kay

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Disley+, home of Wanda Vision, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and the up coming Hawkeye and his boring ass family. And now, the muppet show.

[Cut to show intro]

Kermit the frog: Thank you, thank you. I am Kermit the frog and once again, to the ‘Muppet Show’. You all having a good time?

[Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1 are two puppets at the audience]

Lily Tomlin: We were. But then you came out.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Our special guest tonight is the legendary actress, singer, write and comedian, Lily Tomlin. Yay!

[Audience puppet 2 walks in]

Audience puppet 2: Oh, please. Come on. Why do I say yes to stuff like this? I don’t know.

Kermit the frog: Wow! I can’t believe Lily Tomlin is here. Talk about a show stopper.

Lily Tomlin: Sounds great. I’d do anything for this show to stop.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Friends, our show tonight is going to be a blast.

Audience puppet 1: Yeah. Because it’s a bomb!

Lily Tomlin: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Two securities walk in]

Kenan: Hey! shut up!

Lily Tomlin: Finally, something entertaining is happening.

Kenan: Hey! Shut up!

Keegan: Not going to tell you again, fella!

Kenan: Just shut up.

Keegan: What happens next is up to you.

Kermit the frog: Okay. Tonight, an incredible stunt by Gonzo the great and stand up comedy by Fuzzie Bear.

Audience puppet 1: As in his comedy will make you  stand up and go get a refund.

[Two securities walk in again]

Kenan: Ay! What did I just say?

Keegan: What he just said, fellas?

Audience puppet 1: But the show is–

Kenan: We don’t give a hot damn about the show.

Keegan: We work for the venue.

Kenan: That’s right. And the venue has rules. They are printed on the back of your ticket. Follow them and we won’t have a problem.

Keegan: Everybody here paid a good money to hear this little dragon and his friends do their thing. So please, let them do their thing without talking.

Lily Tomlin: But the show is bad.

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Audience puppet 1: But–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Lily Tomlin: We just–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave. Do you understand? Sorry for the interruption, Kramer.

Kermit the frog: Kermit the frog.

Keegan: Okay. Well, please continue.

Kermit the frog: Thanks. So, Lily, are you excited for the show tonight?

Audience puppet 2: Oh, I suppose. They asked me to do a ‘grace and frankie’ parody called ‘grace and piggy’. What is this? Why am I here? I don’t know what I’m doing.

Lily Tomlin: You hear that? She said she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Audience puppet 1: Then she’ll fit right in.

[Keegan comes behind them]

Keegan: Y’all gonna learn! Y’all gonna learn!

[Keegan starts beating up Audience puppet 1. Kenan runs in to stop Keegan.]

Kenan: Alright. Alright. You’re going to kill him.

Keegan: Get your hands off me, man. I’m good. He’s over here being disrespectful.

Kenan: Just drink some water, man, and cool off.

Keegan: Okay. I’ll go get some water.

Kenan: Look, guys. I’m sorry. Alright? Obviously, I’m not a big fan of this show either. I mean, it’s a mess back stage. Dude with orange hair just blowing things up. Penguin and chicken turds everywhere. Too mad cap for my taste. But love it or hate it, no more heckling. Alright? We good?

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, sure. Your friend’s insane, by the way.

Kenan: I know. I know. You okay sir?

Audience puppet 1: My eyes are swollen. I can’t even see the stage!

Lily Tomlin: Don’t worry. You’re not missing much. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Kenan starts beating up Lily Tomlin]

Keegan: You know what? You’re bounced.

Kenan: It’s time to go!

[Kenan and Keegan carry Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1]

Keegan: Snap! We didn’t realize you guys didn’t have no legs.

Kenan: Oh man, that is my bad.

Keegan: That’s on me, player. That’s on me.

Kenan: Sorry about that. We didn’t know y’all was veteran.

Keegan: Thank you for your service.

Kermit the frog: Would you guys keep it down up there? We’re trying to do a show.

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, trying and failing.

Kenan: Ha-ha. That one was actually pretty good.

Keegan: Y’all mind if I try one?

Audience puppet 2: Please.

Keegan: Hey, Kramer!

Kermit the frog: What?

Keegan: Hey, Kramer! You stupid!

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Keegan: That felt good.

Lily Tomlin: Good first effort.

Sending Drinks

Andrew Dismukes

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

First gentleman… Keegan-Michael Kay

Second gentleman… Bowen Yang

[Starts with two waiters serving two ladies]

Andrew: And here are your olives, ladies.

Mikey: Let us know if you need anything else.

Kate: Thanks

Aidy: Thank you. Wow, thanks for meeting me here.

Kate: It was totally worth driving two hours to get to this bar. What part of New York is this?

Aidy: Philly.

Mikey: Ladies, sorry to interrupt. [bringing in cocktails] But the gentlemen at the end of the bar has sent you each a drink.

Aidy: Okay, really? That’s kind of fun.

Kate: Yeah. Back in business, who was it?

[There’s a guy wearing creepy outfit at the bar]

Oh, thank you.

Aidy: Wow. Not sure what that outfit is. But cool.

[Mikey walks in again]

Mikey: Ladies, the gentleman down the bar has also sent you food. Here are 100 oysters.

Aidy: Oh, no.

Kate: That sounds expensive.

Mikey: No. He actually brought them with him. So, I would not eat them.

Aidy: Yes. I don’t think that we will.

Mikey: He also sent this. [gives them a scarf]

Kate: What is this? It’s arm. [it’s not a scarf. It’s a shirt.] Oh, it’s his shirt.

Aidy: What is LL Beeve?

Mikey: Should I tell him you like it?

Kate: I think we’re good.

Mikey: Got it.

Kate: Wo, how has your year been?

Aidy: Good. I went on a fairest real for the first time.

Kate: What did you call it?

Andrew: Ladies, I’m sorry to interrupt but you’ve been sent a drink by the man at the other end of the bar.

Kate: Oh, thank god. Maybe he’ll be hot.

[There’s another guy wearing similar creepy outfit.]

Aidy: Oh, dear god. Another one.

Kate: I’m sorry. Is there some kind of conference these two attended together?

Andrew: Yes. They’re either here for ComicCon or the Porn Producer’s Reunion. Not sure which.

Mikey: Hi, again, the gentleman has passed you a note.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, this is just a printout of Wikepedia page for sex which I didn’t even know they had.

Andrew: And my gentleman has a note as well.

Kate: Okay. This one says “You’d be an amazing dentist. I’ll put you through dental school.” And he signed it ‘Michael Fastbender’.

Aidy: I think they think they’re in some kind of bidding war. But I hate that they think we’re their sexual ego.

Kate: Yes. We’re not going home with either of them.

Aidy: No.

Kate: Are we?

Aidy: I don’t know. I mean, I don’t love what that one’s doing.

Kate: Yes. I think he’s smiling but I don’t now.

Aidy: I think he thinks he’s smiling.

Kate: Okay. Now, the other one’s doing that thing where you kind of turn around and pretend you’re kissing someone.

Aidy: Yeah. But he’s still facing us.

Kate: Okay. Now, that one’s doing a magic trick.

Aidy: Oh, he pulled a coin from his own ear. Maybe it seems like he just put it there.

Kate: And okay. This one’s playing charades.

Aidy: Okay. One word, two syllables. Okay, he just mouthed the word ‘penis’.

Kate: I mean, it’s been a year since I hooked up with someone. Should I just do it?

Aidy: Honestly, maybe. I mean, the last FaceTime date I went on turned out to be a pocket dial.

Mikey: Again, the gentleman at the end of the bar has sent you a gift to wear.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, it’s an Elsa dress. That’s weird. But it’s something.

Andrew: And the other gentleman has sent you a condom on a plate.

Kate: Okay. It says ‘creamed for her scrutiny’. That’s thoughtful, I guess.

Mikey: Oh no, I think my gentleman senses the other one is closing in.

[The first guy shows a knife to the second guy]

Andrew: My gentleman accepts the challenge.

[The second guy pulls out a knife as well]

Aidy: Wow, they pulled out tiny swords.

Kate: They’re fighting to the Pirates of Caribbean sound.

Aidy: Oh, they’re having a duel for our honor.

Kate: Honestly, I don’t hate it.

[They both stab each other]

I think they both died. Well, no one has ever fought over me before.

Aidy: Me either.

[The gentlemen stand up and takes a bow]

Now, that was hot.

Kate: Fully horny. Let’s do this.

First Gentleman: To be clear, we are virgins.

Aidy: Oh, yes. We know.

Kate: Let’s go.

Prom Show

Katie Sterack… Heidi Gardner

PJ Rube… Bowen Yang

Jacob Schneeb… Keegan-Michael Key

Danny Spooge… Kyle Mooney

Chloe Fineman

Ted Vinegret… Andrew Dismukes

Lexi… Ego Nwodim

Michelle… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Miller… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Live from the Brandy Melville ball room. It’s the Braxton high school prom red carpet.

[Cut to Katie Sterack and PJ Rube. Katie Sterack is holding a crutch.]

PJ Rube: Hello and welcome to this year’s red carpet coverage from Tamar Braxton High senior prom. I’m thirsty junior PJ Rube.

Katie Sterack: And I’m Katie Sterack.

PJ Rube: Katie, what happened to your leg?

Katie Sterack: Oh, I was making out under the bleachers and they folded up on me.

PJ Rube: Rough. Well, here to give us the scoop on what’s happening inside prom is super senior Jacob Schneeb.

[Cut to Jacob Schneeb.]

Jacob Schneeb: What’s up, guys? Schneeb here at the Annie Young Memorial chocolate fountain. She didn’t die. She moved.

PJ Rube: Now Schneeb, this is your third senior year because you’re in every club. But you just can’t pass pre-algebra.

Jacob Schneeb: Yeah, right. I do show choir, calligraphy, and I’m the only one strong enough to toss all the cheer leaders. So, there’s no time for class.

PJ Rube: Thanks, Schneeb. And I’m hearing we have our first arrival. It’s Danny Spooge and a mystery date who is out of his league.

Katie Sterack: Danny, congratulations on a date way hotter than you. Tell us, how did you bag?

Danny Spooge: She’s home schooled. So, she don’t know how hot she is.

PJ Rube: Home schooled. Okay. Then I got to ask. Hippie or crazy religious?

Chloe: Nothing crazy. Our bible is only eight pages and my uncle drew it.

PJ Rube: That’s insane. Schneeb, back to you.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, breaking news. I have a freshman at prom! Kid, tell us who you are and how the hell you’re here?

Ted Vinegret: I’m Ted Vinegret. I’m Katie Sterack4 and I met my date because she babysat me last year.

Jacob Schneeb: So, Ted, you are presenting tonight.

Ted Vinegret: What do you mean?

Jacob Schneeb: I can see your boner.

Ted Vinegret: Oh, sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s fine. Enjoy the night. Back to you guys.

Katie Sterack: Okay. We’re here with a big group of popular kids.  Where did you take pictures tonight?

Lexi: We lined up in front of my step mom’s huge TV. We made it look like a fireplace.

Chris: Then we piled into a nasty white Hummer limo. I poked my head out of the roof and just screamed.

Beck: Yes. First, we stopped for beautiful 4PM dinner at Red Robin. Tipped 12% because we ballers.

PJ Rube: Lexi, you look absolutely disgusting tonight.

Lexi: Thank you.

PJ Rube: What are you wearing?

Lexi: Green.

PJ Rube: Who is it by?

Lexi: Mall.

PJ Rube: Okay. Can you explain this peekaboo moment here? [pointing at her dress]

Lexi: Oh! I don’t have a mom so no one’s honest with me.

Katie Sterack: Before you go. Any prom king prediction?

Beck: Me because I’m on lacrosse but I also did the plays.

Katie Sterack: Absolutely. Schnebe, what you got cooking?

Jacob Schneeb: Well, it doesn’t get any more prom than this. It’s two dorks who bang. Now, I got to tell you, there are a lot of dorks who bang, what makes you two special?

Aidy: Well, we met in stage crew, but then we discovered that we’re both in band.

Mikey: And yes, now we have full sex everyday.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, wow. Congratulations. So, tell us about the ribbon you’re wearing. What is is raising awareness for?

Aidy: My mom’s ribbon store.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, of course. Which reminds me, tonight’s prom is brought to you by Water Bottles! Put the alcohol in the bottle and say it’s water! Strapless bra, by the end of the night, your bra is a belt with a strapless bra! And of course, Hand Stuff, stay pure by doing Hand Stuff. Katie.

Katie Sterack: Okay. I’m being told that party bus has unloaded. Let’s see who’s just got in the prom.

PJ Rube: It’s Michelle Shugi. Michelle, you got a really intense spray tan. Are you worried this is a hate crime?

Michelle: No. I’m Puerto Rican. So, we in the clear.

PJ Rube: Quick moving, Shugi, because here comes Mr. Miller, the hot stuff who’s 23.

[Mr. Miller walks in]

Katie Sterack: We heard you’re doing the SATs this year, is that true?

Mr. Miller: Yeah, or I might just put on Tokyo Drift.

Katie Sterack: Mr. Miller, I had a dream that you pushed me in the pool. How f’ed up is that?

Mr. Miller: Not that F. Anyway, I should head inside. I’m supposed to be the Chaperone.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, guys, I just got some terrible news. I passed pre-algebra and now I have to graduate.

Katie Sterack: Ah, Schneeb!

PJ Rube: We’re so sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s okay. All I ask is…

[singing] Don’t you forget about Schneeb

No More Masks Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Punkine Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci at a podium of press conference] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: It’s your boy Fauci, the patron saint of Purell. As you’ve probably heard, we’ve got some very good news this week and I’m not just talking about J-Lo and Ben Affleck. The CDC announced that people who are vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask. Outdoors or indoors. Pretty great, right? But a lot of people have questions. Such as – What does that mean? What the hell are you talking about? Is this a trap? So, to clear things up, I found a few doctors at the CDC who minored in theater and I asked them to re-enact various scenarios to demonstrate correct mask behavior. And remember, they only have 24 hours to put this little show together. So, please welcome the CDC players and their first scene, man walks into a bar.

[Aidy and Beck are standing. Aidy is not wearing a mask while Beck is wearing a mask.]

Aidy: Welcome to a bar.

Beck: Thank you. Do I still have to wear a mask indoors?

Aidy: You actually do not.

Beck: Great! [opens his mask]

Aidy: Well, as long as you’re vaccinated.

Beck: No, I’m not.

Aidy: Oh, then that’s bad.

Beck: Well, I’m entering a bar at Dr. Anthony FauciDr. Anthony FauciAM. Did you really think I was Vaxed? Because that’s on you.

Aidy: You’re right. I deserve covid.

Beck: And scene.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. I don’t know if that’s the right takeaway. The real point is we have to trust each other. So, please be honest and respectful. Let’s see how that plays out. And on our next scene, the friendly skies.

[Cut to Bowen and Ego. Bowen is wearing a mask and Ego is not wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Stewardess, may I have another scotch on the rocks? I’m a businessman and I need it to relax from business.

Ego: You can have a scotch, but when you’re not drinking it, you need to keep your mask on.

Bowen: Good to know. By the way, I’ve been stuck inside for over a year. Want to bang?

Ego: You know I do, king.

Bowen: Then hop on. Let’s go for a real ride.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop this. Thank you. The lesson should have been you need masks on planes, not everybody horny now. A lot of folks are also wondering about larger groups or gathering. So, let’s see an example of that.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Alex: I’m concerned. This is a pretty large gathering. Should we be wearing masks?

Cecily: We don’t have to because we’re outside … the Capitol building. [pulls out a gun] Now, let’s get them.

Alex: [wears MAGA hat on] Right behind you.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That was very specific example but accurate in terms of masks. Now, what about retail businesses? How do you protect front line workers who may or may not be vaccinated. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Lauren and Punkie. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Punkie: Hi there, can I come into your store?

Lauren: Yes. But I’m still asking customers to wear masks respectfully.

Punkie: But I don’t need a mask. I’m gay.

Lauren: And I’m an ally. Come on in. The first hotdog is on me.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. That’s not how that works. Being an ally is great but it’s got nothing to do with mask safety. Also, she run a hotdog store? That left me with more questions than answer. Okay, next, we have two young folks who started dating during the pandemic.

[Cut to Andrew and Chloe. They are both wearing masks]

Andrew: This is exciting. We’re dining outside, so we can definitely take our masks off.

[both of them pull their masks off]

Chloe: Oh, no. I don’t like the bottom of your face. It looks like you grew moles under your mask.

Andrew: So, mask back on?

Chloe: No. It’s too late. I already saw it. Now, it’s all I can think about.

Andrew: Then what if you put your mask over your eyes?

Chloe: [covers her face with the mask] Ah! That’s nice. You look like a blue man.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: And freeze! [Andrew and Chloe stops moving] We cut to an actual blue man’s apartment. His roommate’s like, “Ah, can you stop it with drumming? I’m trying to get some sleep.”

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I think that’s the doctor that takes improv classes because that’s what everyone wants the doctor to do. Improvise. Alright, next we have a delicate situation riding New York city transit.

[Cut to Melissa and Pete. Melissa is wearing a mask and Pete is not wearing a mask.]

Pete: Wow, I’m so excited to be back on the subway.

Melissa: Me too. But you should know, masks are so required on buses, ferries and subways.

Pete: Oh, cool. But my question is where should I masturbate? Because buses, ferries and subways all sound like great options.

Melissa: You shouldn’t do that anywhere, sir.

Pete: Don’t worry. I’ll put a mask on it first.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: He missed a golden opportunity to say, “Thanks for the tip.” Another big question mark is schools. Maybe this will help.

[Cut to Cecily and Chris]

Chris: Hi. I’m here to pick up a student. Do I need to put on a mask?

Cecily: No. Fully vaccinated parents do not need a mask.

Chris: But do I need to be a parent?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. No. Stop. We’re going to stop that one already. Thank you. And this next one, I’m told is more of a riddle.

[Cut to Kyle, Kenan, Heidi and Mikey]

Kenan: Hi. We’re four friends from three different households.

Mikey: We’re all half vaxed and traveling by train from Florida to the UK.

Kyle: One of us is old and severely at risk.

Heidi: And one of us is a baby.

Kenan: So, how many of us should wear masks and in which order?

Kenan: And go!

[four of them start shuffling their places] [Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No idea what’s that supposed to demonstrate. And now, it’s time for the big finale entitled ‘Society is good again, a vision for the future’.

[Cut to Beck, Aidy, Ego and Bowen dancing]

Beck: Wow, everything is fine now.

Aidy: eVerybody got the vaccine. So, we never need masks again.

Bowen: I’m using my old mask as a parachute for my hamster.

Ego: I’m using two of mine as a bikini

Beck: I’m using one of mine as a bikini.

Aidy: I guess when we come together as a society, we can solve anything.

All: Whoo!

Beck: Now, let’s talk about Israel.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That seems like a good place to end. So, in summary, please, everyone get your vaccine and enjoy life with no masks. Except this audience, you got to keep them on.

[other casts join\

All: An life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Keegan-Michael Key Monologue

Keegan-Michael Key

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Keegan-Michael Key.

[Keegan-Michael Key walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Keegan-Michael Key: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, wow. Man, this has been an incredible week, folks. Masks are coming off. What? Life is getting back to normal. And I am hosting SNL. What? I have been a super fan of this show ever since I was a little kid. I grew up a block south of 8-mile road in Detroit and I used to sneak down stairs to watch SNL every week. And if you had told that kid that one day he would be standing here on this stage, he’d probably would have been too busy stealing your wallet to have heard what you said, but I’e come a long way since then and I am so honored to be here. And because of that, I am going to make the most of it.

[music playing] [singing] I’m going to do it all tonight
every single SNL thing tonight
sketches and voices and song tonight
like the one I’m singing now

Oh, costume change.

[he pulls out his outfit, but inside, he’s wearing the same thing.]

Right? I mean, I know. It’s the same outfit but come on, it’s a really great tuxedo.

[singing]

I’m going to have a blast tonight
kiss every member of the cast tonight

and thins will be complete tonight
till I get a tattoo from Pete tonight.

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete: Alright. I’m ready, man. Take your pants off.

Keegan-Michael Key: What? Maybe we’ll do that after the show.

Pete: Ah! That’s what Elon said, man.

Keegan-Michael Key: [singing] I’m going to go for broke tonight
really hope that I don’t choke tonight
but if I do it’s okay tonight
because I’m still getting paid.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily: Hey, Keegan.

Keegan-Michael Key: Cecily! I am so glad you’re here. I was so worried they were going to send some big celebrity to help me with my monologue.

Cecily: No. Just me. I just came out to say we got a ton of shows. So, maybe just jump to the finale?

Keegan-Michael Key: Oh. Okay. Yes.

[singing] Interesting idea
Thanks for the suggestion
but what if instead I let the audience ask me a question?

Yes, you sir.

Guy: Hi, big fan. What was it like winning an Oscar for “Get Out”?

Keegan-Michael Key: Oh! So close. Yes. Try again.

Guy: Who is your favorite cast member?

Keegan-Michael Key: Oh, that’s good.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan: Oh! Are my ears burning?

Keegan-Michael Key: Wow, Kenan. Are you joining me to sing a verse?

Kenan: Actually, no. I just wanted to stand next to you so that everybody can see that we are two different people. And we have two different names.

Keegan-Michael Key: Yes. That is true. I am Keegan with a G.

Kenan: Yes. And I am Kenan with an N, as in Kenan has been in S-N-L or many, many years.

Keegan-Michael Key: So, now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s bring it home.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Kenan and Cecily: [singing] He’s going to do it all tonight

sketches and voices and songs tonight

Keegan-Michael Key: [singing] Nothing can possibly go wrong tonight

All: Coz everything’s coming up, Keegan
now let’s start the show

Keegan-Michael Key: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Olivia Rodrigo is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.