Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Colin Jost, Michael Che

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With temperatures in the 70s, spring has officially come to New York. Here to talk about his favorite season is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Wad up, man? Hi, Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Pete.

Pete Davidson: So I actually kind of lied. I’m not really gonna talk about spring. I just needed a way to get out here so I could talk about what’s really on my mind. Which is that you guys are hosting the Emmy’s this year. [cheers and applause] Relax! I’m a little sick about it. No, it’s bad enough watching you guys strut around this place with all your accomplishments. Head writers, update hosts, [pointing at Colin Jost] Harvard, [pointing at Michael Che] black. You got it all, man. Who made this decision? What did that sound like? “Any idea for a host this year? How about less entertaining version of Riggs and Murtaugh?

Michael Che: Alright, that’s-

Pete Davidson: No, I’m kidding. No, I think it’s great that Emmy hosts now are just cute friends. That’s awesome. How’s hosting next year? Squirrel and a cat? No, I know what happened. America saw you read a joke [pointing at Colin Jost] and then you read a different joke [pointing at Michael Che], and they were like, “What a chemistry!”

Michael Che: Pete, are you jealous?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m not jealous because it’s actually the worst job you can get in the show business. I just mad that you guys get to do it. I never would have done it but I would have done it if I knew it would keep you guys from doing it. Does that make sense? But seriously guys, how does it taste, boys?

Michael Che: What?

Colin Jost: Don’t ask.

Michael Che: How does what taste?

Pete Davidson: Warren Littlefield’s nuts! He runs NBC, I looked it up. How else are you getting these jobs? I know you’re doing the boss.

Michael Che: Pete, Warren Littlefield hasn’t worked in like, 20 years.

Pete Davidson: Well, South West needs to get some new magazine.

Michael Che: What is your life, man?

Pete Davidson: Well, who cares? I went to the Emmy’s last year and it sucked. So, it doesn’t matter. Some guy just gets on stage wearing a funny hat. And everyone claps. And they just read off names forever. And the biggest nerd in the class gets to give a speech. It’s a ton of crap.

Michael Che: Pete, that sounds like a high school graduation. You didn’t even go to the Emmy’s last year.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. I didn’t. No, it still sucked though.

Michael Che: It did? Pete, you know, if it makes you so mad that we’re hosting, you don’t have to watch.

Pete Davidson: Not watch and not support my friends? What do you think? I’m a monster? No, seriously guys, you know, you’re not just my friends. You’re my mentors. And I can’t wait to watch you guys hit it out on a park on your big night.

Michael Che: Aw, thanks man. Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: I hope they fail.

Weekend Update on Vet Who Smuggled Heroin in Puppies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of dogs and Colombian flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Columbian veterinarian has been charged with allegedly smuggling heroin inside of puppies. This according to the very dark sequel to the “Secret Life of Pets.”

[Cut to Michael Che There’ a picture of Kim Jong-Un and Moon Jae-in at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the historic summit between Kim Jong-Un and the leader of South Korea, Kim Jong-Un brought his own personal toilet to the meeting. Worse, the toilet was an uncle who betrayed him.

[Picture changes to Kanye West] [looks at Kanye West’s picture] Pass!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 7Eleven at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: As 7Eleven in California is trying to keep people from begging for money outside of the store by loudly playing classical music. Unfortunately, it’s only making the vagrants smarter.

[Picture changes to a police car]

A man in Kansas was arrested after he was caught having sex with a tailpipe of a car. The sex was described as “exhausting.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California man was arrested after being accused of waterboarding his wife. Still no word on where the remote control is.

Weekend Update on Rudy Giuliani’s Confessions

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of White House at left top corner.]

Well, the clock might be running out on Trump’s presidency. So, you know what that means. They’re finally putting in Rudy. [Picture changes to Rudy wearing a substitute jersey.] But instead of making a great play, this Rudy immediately tackled his own quarterback. [Picture changes to Donald Trump.] [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani’s interview on FOX News.]

Giuliani appeared on FOX News and straight up admitted that Trump knew about the Stormy Daniels payment which is maybe the best confession I’ve seen on TV that didn’t end with “Created by Dick Wolf.” The Stormy Daniels payment has turned out to be the loudest hush money in history. And during his Kings of Dementia comedy tour, Giuliani also said that the hush money was “funneled through a law firm.” Dude, funneled is not typically a word innocent people use when talking about money. No one says, “Yeah, my grandma funneled me $5 on my birthday.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are picture of Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani and Michael Cohen at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rudy Giuliani is claiming that president Trump only learned a week ago that he was reimbursing Michael Cohen’s payment to Stormy Daniels in $35,000 installments. I have a couple of questions. Like, what kind of billionaire pays for stuff in installments? You’re the president of the United States. Why are you paying for sex like it’s a nordictrack? And how did you all land on $130,000. That’s such an oddly specific number. I asked Stormy to come on Update and explain it but her agent said no because if she’s seen on camera with a black guy, her price goes down.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s are pictures of Stormy Daniels and at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: That was so far. Michael Avenatti, the lawyer for Stormy Daniels said that he was speechless after Giuliani said that Trump reimbursed Michael Cohen. In fact Avenatti was so speechless that night, he only appeared on 20 shows on six different networks.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York times has published a list of 49 questions that Robert Mueller reportedly wants to ask president Trump. The first one is, “Colluder says what? Ah!” Trump is calling this probe a trap but questions are only a trap if you’re lying. If you would ask your husband, “Where were you last night?” and he says, “Bitch, you trying to trap me?” He’s probably lying.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald trump and Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And let’s just be clear about this. Trump and his legal team are clearly the ones who leaked these questions. And I figured out why. Trump’s been so desperate to find a decent lawyer that at this point he’s just crowdsourcing his legal strategy. He’s just throwing the Mueller questions out there like, “How do you guys think I should respond?” It’s basically the same strategy Lay’s use to pick a new potato chip flavor. Which could be a smart approach for Trump or he could end up like Lays with biscuits and gravy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FBI logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: If I may ask the FBI directly, why is this taking so long? I mean, look at Trump’s team. You can’t beat them? They look like they have a commercial that goes, “Have you been hurt in a triple four? Even if you don’t have enough evidence, just frame them. Whatever happened to that? Are there different FBIs for white people and black people? Coz if the FBI was this incompetent against us, Martin Luther King would have died a lot later, peacefully in his bed on top of his mistress.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Harold Bornstein at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, president’s former doctor who by the way I loved on “Twin Peaks” said that the 2015 letter which described Trump as the healthiest individual ever elected president was dictated by Trump himself. Which also explains why Trump’s blood pressure was listed as “Haters over losers.”

[Picture changes to Ty Cobb]

White House lawyer Ty Cobb has announced that he will be stepping down at the end of May. Cobb will return to his old job of challenging you to a hot-air balloon race around the world.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Facebook announced that they’ll add a dating feature to their mobile app competing with apps like Tinder and OkCupid. Here with her thoughts is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whooo! What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, Leslie? So, you think you’re gonna use this new dating app on Facebook?

Leslie Jones: Hell, no. Because the truth is I pick the worst men. But that’s because there are so many bad men to choose from. Coz they always thinking with their penis, right?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. We sure do.

[Leslie Jones stares at Colin Jost angrily]

Leslie Jones: Shut up. And I have dated some terrible men. But what I learn is that I’m not attracting these men. I am picking these men. But that is tonight. So, I wanna have a tribute to all the ragly ass men who I thought I could rescue like the dogs they were. But I couldn’t. And let me tell you these stories are real. But the pictures are fake to protect the innocent. Ain’t nobody innocent.

[melodic music playing in the background] [singing] In the arms of an angel
fly away from here

[A man’s picture appears in the screen]

Stacey. I bought that man groceries one time. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] This man is 30 years old, y’all. I brought the groceries to his house and his mama whose house he lived in put her hand on my shoulder and whispered, “I had that boy. And I know you can do much better.”

[Another man’s picture appears in the screen]

Rodney, he had four kids and six babies mamas. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] I don’t even know how math work on that. And then he had the nerve to tell me that he had a part time job. Well, you got a full time family, Rodney! And they need your ass to work, not to be a rapper who works at Panera Bread.

[singing] In the arms of an angel
fly away from here

[Another man’s picture appears in the screen]

Chester. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] He picked me up for a date and I didn’t even know he was homeless. Even though he had all of his stuff in the back of his car. I was like, “So you ride around with a toaster and an iron back there?” And he said, “I was moving.” Well, by the end of the day, I found that he was moving in with me.

[Another black man’s picture appears in the screen]

Cimor. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] I met his ass in Jamaica. But I Jamaica a mistake-a. He said he was going to teach me a few things but all he taught me was how to cry in hotel rooms. Boy, you think you don’t like hearing people have sex through the wall of your hotel? Well, try listening to a bitch cry for six hours while playing Mary J. Blige.

[singing] In the arms of an angel

[Colin Jost’s picture appears in the screen]

Colin. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] He was so cute and sweet and kind but it would never work because he gay.

Colin Jost: I am not gay. I told you, I have a girlfriend.

Leslie Jones: And I have told you that I am not acknowledging that bitch. You need to prove that you are not gay or I’m going to keep telling everybody that you are.

[singing] fly away from here

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Chester, call me. I got a new apartment.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Prison Job

Phillip… Chris Redd

Norman… Donald Glover

Allen… Kenan Thompson

Prison guard… Alex Moffat

Spider… Beck Benett

[Starts with guys talking to each other.]

Phillip: Yo, I’m telling y’all, man. I gotta get out of this prison, dog.

Norman: Man, I’m never coming back here.They got us working thirty cents an hour.

Allen: It’s like modern day slavery. I feel like these walls are changing me.

Phillip: I know what you mean, man. Like, last week this new MA came up, asked me what size my sneakers was. I said, “Yo size, bitch!”

Norman: Damn! So then what happened?

Phillip: Then he tried to grab me by my collar, right? That’s when I– [phone ringing] Hold on a second. [speaking very politely on the phone] Um, good morning. Customer service. My name is Phillip. Oh, how can I assist you today? Uh, alright ma’am. Please stay online while I direct you to the manager. Alright. Thank you. [Phillip presses the extension number and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly again.] Then I grabbed the razor that I was hiding in my butt cheeks and cut his ear off, fam.

Allen: I know exactly who you talking about, man. He tried the same thing with my boy Freddie. You know Freddie, right?

Norman: Freddie that made cognac in the toilet?

Allen: No, not that Freddie. [phone ringing] Hold on. [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. This is Allen speaking. How can I assist you this afternoon? Well, yes. That particular necklace is real turquoise in a 14 carat gold plated trim. Oh, you have a lovely day too. Alright. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] No. Freddie that stabbed the guard in the neck with a spoon.

Norman: Oh, yeah. I know Freddie. Um-hmm. He trie to jump me in a bathroom. There was like, five of em’. But you know me, I’m crazy. So, I pulled down my pants and then– [phone ringing] Hond on. [speaking very politely on the phone] It’s a gorgeous Wednesday morning. This is Norman. How can I be at your service today? Well, yes, ma’am. And might I say, that is a lovely choice. I personally have that in my very same unit in my kitchen. Okay. Okay, now. I’m gonna put you through. Alright, bye. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] I crapped in my hands and then I threatened to touch them with it.

Phillip: Yo, we been there. Err’body been there. Y’all heard about Rico though?

Norman: Who Rico? The cop killer?

Phillip: Nah, nah, nah. Not that Rico, man.

Allen: Rico the drug lord?

Phillip: Nah, man! Rico! The guy that makes all the silly puns.

Norman: Oh! You mean fun Rico.

Phillip: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fun Rico.

Norman: Oh, he’s the best. I just love his silly puns.

Allen: Yeah. He’s the only thing that keeps me going. But what about him?

Phillip: He hung himself.

Norman: Oh, my god.

Allen: No.

Phillip: He was hanging there.

[phone ringing]

Norman: [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. Well, thank you very much for the positive feedback, ma’am. I do remind you that there is a short five minute survey– [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] She hung up on me.

Allen: Argh! I hate when they do that.

Norman: How hard is it to take a five minute survey?

Phillip: I know. It’s like, one more good review and I make parole, lady.

[phone ringing]

Allen: Ma’am, are you still waiting on hold? I am so sorry for the inconvenience. Please be patient with us. God bless you too. [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] Argh! I hate when customers have to hold. Makes me wanna kill again.

Phillip and Norman: I feel you. Me too.

[A prison guard walks in with a guy, Spider, on straitjacket]

Prison guard: Enough chitchat in here fellas!

Spider: [making crazy face] Why don’t you loosen these straps for me just a little, will ya?

Prison guard: Yeah, right. So you can eat me like you did your last cell mate? You sick bastard!

Norman: Yo, this lady on line four wants to speak to a manager.

Prison guard: Alright. I got this.

[Prison guard puts the headphones with mic on Spider]

Spider: [speaking very politely on the phone] Hello, this is Spider, the manager speaking. Oh, well, I am so sorry to hear that you did not enjoy those Omaha steaks. They’re all I ever eat. A lot of em’. Now, if I can just get some personal information, what are you fears?

[The End]

Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Harold Bornstein… Martin Short

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Host… Heidi Gardner

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johansson

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

Stormy Daniels

[Starts with a video message “The following is based on real events.”] [Cut to Michael Cohen walking around a telephone booth. He is wearing a suit. He picks up the phone and dials the number. The phone is connecting.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [answering the phone] Hello, it’s Donald Trump. Who this?

Michael Cohen: It’s Michael Cohen. God, I miss you so much.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey. What’s up, amigo? How you holding up in prison?

Michael Cohen: I’m not in prison.

Donald Trump: Oh, well. Give it a couple of weeks.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, we’re in big trouble. I think they know about our allusion-K and obstruction of justice, J.

Donald Trump: Sorry. I don’t speak Spanish.Wait, are you on a secure line?

Michael Cohen: Absolutely. I dialed *Mike PenceMelania Trump before the numbers. So, it’s completely untraceable.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.] [Cut back to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Listen, Trump. I don’t know what to do. You keep changing your story on Stormy Daniels payment.

Donald Trump: Look. Let’s get Rudy Giuliani on the phone. He’ll fix this. He’s got the sharpest legal mind since my cousin Vinny.

Michael Cohen: Um, okay. But, just to be safe let me call you back with one of my burner phones.

Donald Trump: Wait, you kept the burner phones? That’s not good.

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone, and dials the number on his burner phone.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein.]

Harold Bornstein: [Harold Bornstein answering the phone] Yes, hello. This is Dr. Harold Bornstein. Would you like to know any of my patient’s medical history?

Michael Cohen: Dammit! I tried to dial Trump Donald but I dialed Trump doctor.

Harold Bornstein: Is this you, Michael Cohen? Michael, I’m glad you called. Someone broke into my office and stole my file. I guess you could say I was [yelling] raped!

Michael Cohen: I don’t think you could say that.

Harold Bornstein: Well, I already did. [yelling] Raped!

Michael Cohen: Alright. Can we talk about this later?

Harold Bornstein: No. I’m busy later. [giggling] No, I’m kidding. I have zero commitment personally and professionally. But if you ever want to do drugs, I can get you all the drugs.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.] [Cut to Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein]

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll call you back, Harold. Goodbye.

Harold Bornstein: Okay. I’ll just be sitting here in my office where I live. [yelling] Bye!

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone and dials another number.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: [answering the phone] Hello.

Michael Cohen: Rudy? Is that you?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. That’s right. It’s me, Rudy. Rudy Giuliani. Trump’s lawyer and his worst nightmare.

Michael Cohen: Rudy, can we speak freely? Are you alone?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani in the set of an interview at FOX News. The host is sitting right next to him.]

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Yeah. I’m pretty much alone. [to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] This is a commercial break, right toots?

Host: No.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Yeah, we’re, good to talk. Good to talk.

Michael Cohen: Alright. Let in loop in Mr. Trump. [Rudy Giuliani presses buttons] Alright, is everyone on?

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Yes.

Rudy Giuliani: Yes.

[The FBI Agents are nodding their heads yes.]

Michael Cohen: Guys, can we please just decide on one lie and stick to it? Coz our stories are all over the place.

Donald Trump: Guys, hold that thought. I’m getting a call from work. [Donald Trump presses a button.] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Mr. President, I have lost all credibility. Did you lie to me about the Stormy Daniels affair?

Donald Trump: Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good. Just as long as we’re on the same page. I’m good to go. See you on Monday.

[Donald Trump presses a button.] [Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Okay, I’m back.

Rudy Giuliani: Guys, guys, can we hurry this up? I’m supposed to do 25 more talk show appearances today and I’m trying to make it like an advert calendar where I reveal one new crime in each show.

[phone ringing]

Michael Cohen: Oh, I’m getting another call. Hang on.

[Michael Cohen answers the phone] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Hello, Michael. It’s Melania.

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey, Melania. I was just talking to Donald about–

Melania Trump: Yeah, yeah. Listen, I have completely hypothetical question for a friend of mine, okay? If your husband is accused of crime, would she have to testify against him?

Michael Cohen: No.

Melania Trump: But could she? If she wants to?

Michael Cohen: I guess she could.

Melania Trump: Oh, my friend will be so happy. Thank you Michael.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone. He is looking at all the phones and is confused.]

Michael Cohen: Wait, which phone was Mr. Trump on? [looks at one phone and speaks on it] Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Omarosa Manigault]

Omarosa Manigault: Yeah. This is Omarosa an I’m still pissed off.

Michael Cohen: No!

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Hi there, stranger. What’s your name?

Michael Cohen: Mike Pence?

Mike Pence: Who is this? I was told this was a party line with no questions asked?

Michael Cohen: Ah! I gotta call you back.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are standing together. Ivanka is on the phone.]

Ivanka Trump: Yes, this is Ivanka and Jared. [cheers and applause]

Jared Kushner: [squeaky voice] Hi, hi. Hello.

Ivanka Trump: Michael, did we hear Giuliani called Jared disposable on national television? Coz, Jared is furious.

Jared Kushner: [yelling] Yeah, man! Like, what the hell? I’m so mad right now. You didn’t even want to see me. I mean, I could cut a bitch! Don’t ever try to cover me. [making noise]

Michael Cohen: Listen. Ivanka, you know your dad would do anything to protect you. But if he needs to, he’d throw Jared under the bus in a heartbeat.

Jared Kushner: What did he say?

Ivanka Trump: He said you’re fine.

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll talk to you later.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Mr. Trump?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Where the hell were you Michael? I don’t have time to wait on hold. I was supposed to be meeting with my new chief strategist, Kanye West.

Michael Cohen: What do you want me to do?

Donald Trump: Call up Stormy Daniels and fix this once and for all. Maybe keep me on the phone too. I’ll just be quiet and listen.

[Michael Cohen presses buttons] [Cut to Stormy Daniels answering the phone]

Stormy Daniels: Hello.

[Cut to split screen with Stormy Daniels, Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: Stormy, this is Michael Cohen. Are you alone?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Donald Trump: And what are you wearing?

Stormy Daniels: Excuse me?

[Michael Cohen is pissed off that Donald Trump spoke]

Donald Trump: Okay, Michael. I can take it from here.

Michael Cohen: Okay. But as your attorney, I highly advice against you–

[Donald Trump cuts Michael Cohen from the line] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels.]

Donald Trump: So, wad up, girl?

Stormy Daniels: Hello, Donald.

Donald Trump: Come on, Stormy. Stop making such a big deal about this. Everyone knows it’s just an act.

Stormy Daniels: I work in adult films. We’re really not known for our acting.

Donald Trump: Just tell me what do you need for this to all go away?

Stormy Daniels: A resignation.

Donald Trump: Yeah, right. Being president is like doing porn. Once you do it, it’s hard to do anything else. Besides, my poll numbers are finally up. And speaking of polls being up–

Stormy Daniels: Donald?

Donald Trump: Oh, come on. We’ll always have shark week. I solved North and South Korea. But can I solve us?

Stormy Daniels: Sorry, Donald. It’s too late for that. I know you don’t believe in climate change but a storm’s coming, baby.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’ve never been so scared and so horny at the same time.

Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Lando’s Summit

Lubestein… Mikey Day

Lando Calrissian… Donald Glover

Sal Guerero… Kenan Thompson

Key Beeba… Leslie Jones

Emchigo… Chris Redd

[Starts with a message video. Message reads: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…] [Cut to Lubestein speaking at the stage podium]

Lubestein: Sorry to interrupt your mingling. I am Lubestein, Hospitality Director here at the Naboo Beachfront Hotel. We are thrilled to host your event and it’s fun activities all week long as you enjoy our beautiful view. Now, please welcome the chairman of this event, Mr. Lando Calrissian.

[Lando Calrissian walks in and Lubestein leaves the stage] [cheers and applause]

Lando Calrissian: Yes, yes. I like that guy. Classy guy right there. My, my. We weren’t kidding. This hotel does have a gorgeous view. I love alien girls coz it’s always a surprise when their clothes come off. So, it’s like, “Oh, that’s your that? We’ll figure it out.” Welcome, my brothers and sisters to the first ever galactic summit for all black humans. This started with one question. “Where the hell are all the black people in space?” For a while, I thought it was me, the only one but now I see before me all the black humans in the galaxy.

[Cut to the audience. There are three black people in the empty hall clapping for him] [Cut to Lando Calrissian.]

I’ll say it. Turnout was a little low. We were expecting a thousand guests. I held out hope that there was a black human planet somewhere but I guess it’s just us. Lots of lizard men wearing vests, just four black people though. Okay, let’s kick things off with a welcoming remarks from my man, Mr. Sal Guerero.

[Sal Guerero walks in]

Sal Guerero: Thank you, everyone. As I look upon the hundreds of faces like my own– Sorry, I wrote this like, a week ago. I am filled with hope. Our voice was once a whisper. Now, it is a roar. Let me hear your roar. Roar!

[Cut to the audience. There are two black people in the empty hall clapping for him]

Audience: Roar.

[Cut to Sal Guerero]

Sal Guerero: I would now like to read a list of all the black humans who lived before us to honor their memory. Mace Windu. Thank you.

[Sal Guerero walks out]

Lando Calrissian: Up next, the lovely Key Beeba. Talk about all the activities we have going on this week.

[Key Beeba walks in. Lando Calrissian takes holds and kisses her hand.]

Key Beeba: [staring at Lando Calrissian] I don’t know you like that. That ain’t coo.

[Lando Calrissian just walks backwards.]

The following activities have been canceled due to low attendants. Everything except meals.

[Cut to Sal Guerero]

Sal Guerero: Does that include the thousand man march?

[Cut to Key Beeba looking at Sal Guerero fiercely.]

Key Beeba: What do you think, dude? Also, the location of the group picture has been changed from the outdoor coliseum to anywhere we want. That’s it.

[Key Beeba walks out]

Lando Calrissian: Alright. Emchigo, you wanna say anything up here?

[Cut to Emchigo]

Emchigo: Nah, I’m good.

[Cut to Lubestein walking in the stage]

Lubestein: Alright. Our seafood buffet is officially open. Grab a plate and help yourself. While you eat, please enjoy music from a blue monster and Mr. Lando Calrissian.

[There’s a creature that has big ears and long nose trunk like an elephant. He is playing the musical instrument.]

Lando Calrissian: You know, before I made a living playing cards an doing other stuffs that’s not really explained. I wanted to be a singer. There’s a little song I wrote about space and it’s called making love in space. Two, three, four.

[singing] Making love in space
yeah, making love in space
you need a man though, girl
come see Lando

Girl, making love in space
I love my….

Friendos (featuring A$AP Rocky)

Donald Glover

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Angela… Cecily Strong

[Music video starts with clips of rappers flexing their money, cars and lifestyle.]

Donald Glover: Friendo!
Yeah, you already know
Kenan: Skrt skrt!

Donald Glover: Ayy, lambo
Out the bando

Kenan: Ayy, ayy, ayy ayy!

Donald Glover: [rapping] Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up (yeah[Kenan doing all the backup voices] We in the club and we turn it up (turn up)
Pinky worth Chris Redd50 thou’ (wow)
Double that up in my mouth (teeth)

Chris Redd: Shorty she bad, like all my swag
Boy, she got all of that ass (booty)
Getting that cash, haters be mad
Friendos, we stay with that bag (cookie)

Donald Glover: Woke up in the morning with some bitches and I’m smiling

Chris Redd: But we gotta put in work if we wanna stay shining

Donald Glover and Chris Redd: We go to therapy (therapy), therapy (therapy)
We spent a milli on therapy (woo)
Angela (Angela), Angela (Angela)
Twice a week we go to Angela (ayy)

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: Go on

Chris Redd: Ahem, it’s just like every time I bring up emotional conflict, he always want to—

Angela: You know what, let’s use “I feel” statements.

Chris Redd: Oh, my bad. I feel like every time I bring up emotional conflict, he want to talk about the Lambo.

Kenan Thompson: [giving back up voice] Lambo!

Donald Glover: But it got the suicide doors though.

Chris Redd: Enough with the Lambo man!

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Chris Redd: Just talk to me dawg.

Kenan Thompson: Ayy!

[Cut to music video]

Chris Redd: She wanna hear ’bout our Mommas (Momma)
All of our fears and our traumas (bad)

Donald Glover: Homies be asking me stuff (what?)
I don’t be opening up (I’m fine)

Chris Redd: Sometimes I cry, I don’t know why
I just be wanting to fight (aggression)

Donald Glover: Lambo on dub, doors going up, you know I don’t give a fu-

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: See, you’re deflecting. Do you see that? I think you do care

Donald Glover: Naw

Chris Redd: Dawg, whose idea was it to buy the Lambo in the first place?

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Donald Glover: Mine!Chris Redd: No! No, I showed you Chris Redd months ago on

Instagram. I said “I want the ice cream-colored Lambo, with the suicide doors.” Guess who pulled up to the strip club, very next week, looking like a dessert on a wheels?

Kenan Thompson: Pull up

Angela: Sounds like that ice cream Lambo was important to you.

Chris Redd: Mmhmm…

Angela: And when he bought it first, you felt…?

Chris Redd: Invisible.

Kenan Thompson: Visible!

Angela: You needed him to hear you, but instead of being present, he was gone.

Kenan Thompson: Skrt skrt!

Donald Glover: Look, I see that I hurt you. I’m sorry dawg. I think I was acting out ’cause I just missed our friendship. You know, before the money, before the Lambo.

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Chris Redd: Ayy man, I miss that too, you know what I mean? Like, you think we can work on that?

Donald Glover: We sure can.

Angela: Wow, you see what that was?

Kenan Thompson: Ayy.

Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson: Ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy!

[Cut to music video]

All: Breakthrough (breakthrough), breakthrough (breakthrough)

Donald Glover: Stunt on these hoes with my breakthrough (stunt on ’em)

Chris Redd: We got some issues, hand me some tissues–

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: We haven’t heard much from you today

Kenan Thompson: Huh?

Angela: You haven’t spoken up at all.

Kenan Thompson: Y-yeah I have, I-I’ve been repeating—

Angela: Repeating what these two say, I know, but what do you think?

Kenan Thompson: I-I don’t know, nobody care what I think, I just do the ad-libs.

Chris Redd: Ayy, that’s not true man, c’mon now.

Angela: Let’s, let’s let him speak.

Chris Redd: First of all, don’t interrupt me bitch, I’m talking to my brother.

Angela: Yeah, but instead of talking, bitch, how ’bout you listen?

Chris Redd: Oh damn.

Kenan Thompson: I guess I just assume that you guys, like, pity me? Like y’all really don’t want me around?

Donald Glover: No, man! You funny!

Chris Redd: Yeah.

Donald Glover: Yeah.

Kenan Thompson: Really?

Chris Redd: Yeah man!

Kenan Thompson: Thank you, ’cause you know I actually be thinking about my jokes and stuff.

Donald Glover: Man, don’t start crying man. You start crying and I’ma start crying.

Kenan Thompson: Why don’t y’all let it out, you know what I’m saying? Woo.

All: Woo, woo, woo, woo!

[Cut to music video]

All: Group hug (group hug), group hug (group hug)
Me and my homies a group hug (growth)
In therapy (therapy), therapy (therapy)
We make it rain on our therapist

Chris Redd: Damn, Angela sexy!

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: Well, that’s all the time we have.

Donald Glover: Alright, well.

Kenan Thompson: Cool, okay man.

Chris Redd: I guess we just gon’ leave then. Thank you Angela.

Donald Glover: Alright, cool.

Kenan Thompson: Alright, bye.

Chris Redd: Ayy.

[Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson walk out of Dr. Angela’s office. A$AP Rocky is sitting in waiting lounge]

Donald Glover: Ayy, what’s up A$AP?

A$AP Rocky: Friendos! Yo, what’s happening bro? Yo, I peeped the ice cream Lambo parked out front. It’s hot!

Donald Glover: Thanks, that was his idea. [pointing at Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: Damn…

Donald Glover Monologue

Donald Glover

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Donald Glover.

[Donald Glover walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Donald Glover: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys, so much. Thank you. I’m really excited to be hosting Saturday Night Live. And the answer to the question everyone’s asking is, “Yes, I am Dani Glover’s father.” I used to live in New York and it’s so great to be back here. Specially now that I’m rich. You know, seriously. I recommend it. I was poor here and it’s way better when you’re rich. But it’s truly is an honor to be hosting SNL, and you know, instead of just auditioning for it which I did twice. That’s not a joke. I just still pissed. But it all kind of worked out for me. I was on a show called “Community.” [cheers and applause] And I play Lando Calrissian in the new Star Wars movie solo. [cheers and applause] And if you’re black, I met Atlanta and Redbone. [cheers and applause] Lot of black people in here.

I’m an actor, a writer and a singer. Some people have described me as a triple threat. But I kind of like to call myself just a threat. Not to bring up my audition because I’m not hung up on it. I still don’t know why I didn’t get the job. I’m good at lot of things like, music. Can I get a 180 tempo, something jazzy in the key of D? Hit it.

[The band playing music]

There we go. That feels good. Let’s take a walk, shall we?

[Donald Glover walks out of the stage.] [singing] I really can do anything

[walks to Kyle Mooney] Hey, what’s going on, Kyle?

Kyle: Hey, Donald. Not much.

Donald Glover: Ah! Hey, let me ask you a question. What did you do for you audition?

Kyle: Bunch of characters. [showing the skateboard] Then I did this skateboarding a bit.

Donald Glover: Oh, you skateboard?

Kyle: Yeah. Yeah.

Donald Glover: Can I have the skateboard? I can do that too. You know?

Kyle: No problem, yeah. Go for it.

Donald Glover: You mind if I do it?

Kyle: Please.

Donald Glover: Awesome.

[Donald Glover tries the skateboard. He falls down badly. He stands suddenly.]

That’s called an ollie.

Kyle: Oh, my god. Are you okay?

Donald Glover: Yeah. I’m great. I’ll see you later.

Kyle: Are you sure?

[Donald Glover just walks way]

Donald Glover: [singing] I really can do anything

[Donald Glover walks to Kenan Thompson. He is cooking something.]

Hey, Kenan. How are you?

Kenan: Hey. Good, man.

Donald Glover: So, what did you do for your audition?

Kenan: Do you have any idea how long ago that was? I have no idea.

Donald Glover: Are you doing your chef character? Can I? I can do that too.

[Donald Glover picks up a cup, takes whatever Kenan is cooking in it and drinks it.]

Kenan: No, no. I’m sorry. I was cleaning rags in there. You gonna get sick, man.

Donald Glover: Oh! Nah, dude. I’ve got an iron stomach. All I ate is hotdogs backstage. I can really do anything.

[Donald Glover walks away] [singing] I really can do anything

[Donald Glover walks to a guy who is fixing things at the ceiling with a long stick]

Hey, that looks– you mind if I give it a little– I can do that. [Donald Glover takes the stick] [Donald Glover burps] Oh! Got a little tummy trouble. Let me try this a little bit. [Donald Glover tries to do what the guys was doing. All the lights turn off.] Oh! That fixed it.

[Donald Glover walks away to Cecily Strong and Beck Bennett]

Hey, Cecily, Beck. What did you guys do for your audition?

Beck: Oh, well, I’m very glad you asked.

Donald Glover: Oh, I do not want to know.

[Donald Glover walks away]

Cecily: Oh, he’s obsessed with his audition.

Beck: I know. He keeps showing us his audition tape and he won’t watch mine.

Cecily: Alright. He keeps bragging that he can play clarinet. What even is that?

Beck: Yeah. He thinks being here this week will help him get on SNL.

Cecily: He’s hosting SNL.

Beck: Oh, have I shown you my audition tape?

Cecily: Beck?

[Cut to Donald Glover back on the stage. He is carrying a clarinet.]

Donald Glover: Did I mention I can play clarinet?

[Donald Glover just screams into the clarinet. The clarinet is not playing at all.]

You know, it actually went better at my audition. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Childish Gambino is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Dirty Talk

Donald Clover

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a man and a woman getting into their bed.]

Man: Hey, baby. Looking good.

Woman: Thanks. Well, goodnight.

Man: Wait, wait, wait. Baby, it’s Saturday.

Woman: Oh, yeah. Sex night. I’m jazzed to do it. Let’s start.

[Woman leans towards Man]

Man: Wait, wait, wait. I was just thinking maybe we can mix it up a little tonight. You know, try a little dirty talk. Saying stuff that you shouldn’t say.

Woman: Alright.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Yeah. You’re like the little slut, huh?

Woman: Um, that’s so retarded.

[Man backs off]

Man: What? What? Don’t say the R word though, coz that’s like, really offensive, right?

Woman: Depends on how I use it, I guess.

Man: No, it’s kind of bad. Let’s just stay away from that. Maybe try like, being, you know, little mean to me. You know?

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Yeah, come on, girl. Hurt me.

Woman: Your dad’s dead.

[Man backs off]

Man: Baby? That wound’s still fresh. I’m like, really sad now.

Woman: Oh, man. I’m sorry. Are you sure you don’t want to do it the normal way? Lazy sideways?

Man: No. Look, I wanna try this. I think we could spice things up. It’d be good for us, you know? How about you just call me a little bitch or something.

Woman: Ooh, okay. I like that.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Oh, I want you.

Woman: Yeah, you do, you little bitch.

Man: Ooh, you’re so mean to me.

Woman: Coz you’re my little brother, bitch. Now, scram!

[Man backs off]

Man: What?

Woman: Stay out of my room, dork!

Man: No. Don’t. Baby, don’t be my sister. That turns me off.

Woman: But you were saying, “Oh, yeah.”

Man: Yeah, that was before I knew you had made us siblings. You know? So, no big twists. Maybe we just– I’ll take a lead. How about that? [Woman nods yes] Alright.

Woman: Yeah, right, dweeb! Mom and dad put me in charge.

Man: Baby, that scenario, we’re not doing it anymore. Okay? Here, I’ll talk dirty to you. Alright? Is that cool? [They try to do the dirty talk] Oh, you little freak!

Woman: [impersonating] Yes, I’m the Elephant Man.

[Man backs off]

Man: No. Not the Elephant Man, okay? That’s not sexy. That’s like, really sad. He had a sad life and the image in my head is the worst possible thing for sex. You know? Okay, but clearly you wanna role play. So, how about I’m a cop and you’re a criminal?

Woman: Oh, sounds naughty.

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Coz I killed my mom.

Man: No, no, no. You didn’t murder anyone.

Woman: Yeah, I did. She’s in the trunk.

Man: No, no, no. Different crime, okay? You’re not a murderer. You’re different criminal, baby. You’re like– [They try to do the dirty talk] Hand up, you’re under arrest.

Woman: [impersonating Bill Cosby] But the general pudding pop said–

[Man backs off]

Man: No! Don’t be Bill Cosby. Don’t ever be Bill Cosby in the bedroom. Don’t. You know what? Forget it. It’s fine. This isn’t gonna work. Let’s just watch TV.

Woman: Oh, so that’s it? Man, you’re such a bitch sometimes.

[They try to do the dirty talk]

Man: Yeah, I like that.

Woman: [impersonating Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.

Man: No, don’t be Fat Albert.