Weekend Update with Solomon

Colin Jost

Solomon… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: One of our researchers from Weekend Update told us that he was a real travel buff. So, this summer we sent him to Venice, Italy to report on the latest travel trends. Here with his report is our new travel correspondent, Solomon.

[Solomon slides in] [cheers and applause]

Solomon: Hey Colin, how you doing, man? Michael Che, nice to see you.

Colin Jost: Welcome Solomon. So, where did you travel this summer?

Solomon: Travel? Ah, man!

Colin Jost: Well, you went to Venice right?

Solomon: Ay, well, yeah. Basically, I mean, yeah, dang! [Cut to Solomon] I ain’t go to Venice. I didn’t go man. Look man, I wanted to go, man, but the thing is it’s hard, okay? I tried to get on a bus to Italy but you know, I had no ticket. You know?

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. The bus to Italy?

Solomon: Ah! God damn, is that wrong? Because of the water? Coz of the ocean, you can’t do that? Oh, god damn!

Colin Jost: Solomon, we sent you a plane ticket.

Solomon: Look, my god, damn! [Cut to Solomon] It’s my sister. She gets all my mail. And you know, I lost my mailbox key coz it’s smaller than the other keys. God! Look, I feel bad about that. I get you back, how much was the ticket?

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It was $3,000.

Solomon: Oh, god dang. I ain’t got that, man! How about $100?

Colin Jost: Fine.

Solomon: God dang. I ain’t got that either man. Look man, I ain’t think you’d say yes.

Colin Jost: Solomon, this is your job.

Solomon: Look man, god dang! Look, you can’t fire me, okay? They about to turn my air off, okay? [Cut to Solomon] Not like, my air conditioning. Just like, all the air in my apartment, man. God damn, I got a gold fish man. He’s my best friend in the whole world. God dang!

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What’s your gold fish’s name?

Solomon: Man, I ain’t got no gold fish. Okay? Look, man, you can’t fire me, okay? They’re about to turn my sound off, man! [Cut to Solomon] Like, I won’t be able to hear stuff anymore. And my sister needs sound, man! Coz, you know, she can’t see so good, on account she’s been reading all my mail. You know what I mean? Plus the kids got the wing worm. I mean, god damn!

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, did you say your kids have wing worm?

Solomon: Man, she ain’t got no kids man. And look man, I ain’t got no sister, god dang! Look, I’ll do better next time, alright? I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: That’s okay. That’s alright.

Solomon: Look, but you know, could I get my check for next week today?

Colin Jost: Solomon, everyone.

Solomon: God dang, man! Come on, man!

Weekend Update Frida Santini and her Apartment

Colin Jost

Frida Santini… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new survey finds that 1 in 12 apartments in New York city are overcrowded. Here to talk about it is a woman who lives in my building, Mrs. Santini.

[Frida slides in] [cheers and applause]

Frida: Hi Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi.

Frida: Colin, you left your shoes outside your apartment. I borrowed them. Here is one back.

[Frida hands a shoe over to Colin.]

Colin Jost: What happened to the other one?

Frida: You don’t want it. Trust me.

Colin Jost: Okay. Now, Mrs. Santini, you’re really all over our building. Now, I have to ask have you personally seen any overcrowding?

Frida: No, no, the building is great, okay? [Cut to Frida] But just one family moving up stairs, they have a little baby, a new born baby, make a little bit of noise. But its okay because you just have to write a nice note. Like this. [Cut to Frida and Colin Jost. Frida takes a note out of her pocket.] I wrote a nice note. Dear parents of Damien. [Cut to Frida] I’m so sorry that your baby is a kara lounge. This must be very hard for you but for me it’s nice. How does your baby know my favorite song? It goes like this, [makes sound of a baby crying]. This song was originally recorded by Britney Spears when someone was putting her feet first into a wood chipper. And you baby, you baby sing this song every second. So I record a Lula for your baby. It goes like this. “Be quiet! I’m gonna throw you out the window.” Anyway, thank you for keeping me up all night so I sleep through my jab the next day. Frida Santini.

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

That’s a nice note!

Colin Jost: Okay.

Frida: That’s a nice note.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s a nice note. That’s a nice note. Well, I’m sorry you were up all night and late for work. What’s your job?

[Cut to Frida]

Frida: Oh, I am a teacher.

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s nice. What grade do you teach?

Frida: I teach my monkey how to steal in the street. Yesterday, he bring me back twentyeleven Ford Festiva. And I said, “Okay, Jeff, that’s not bad but where am I supposed to park it?” Dumb ass monkey.

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, did you hear the smoke alarm that went off the other day in our building?

Frida: Oh, yeah, I heard that. I think it was the kids down the hall. They smoke a lot of, you know, marijuana. But it’s not a problem because you just write them a friendly note. Here, the note that I wrote to them.

[Cut to Frida. She pulls out another note out of her pocket.]

Dear cast of the movie Friday, I’m so sorry that your apartment is Banuru. It’s so sad for you that the mayor of Boulder, Colorado came to you and said, “Take everything from my city, put it on your bed and set it on fire. Now!” Thank you for making my apartment smell like Adam Darwish’s hair and for force me to use oxygen tank. I don’t mind. Frida Santini.”

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

That’s a nice note. That’s a gentle, nice note.

Colin Jost: That’s a very nice note. That’s a very nice note. And yes, I didn’t realize that you need an oxygen tank?

Frida: Yes. Tomorrow I have to burn a storage unit. It’s gotta go quick. Police are after monkey.

Colin Jost: My neighbor, Friday Santini everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Frida: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.