Tag: episode 2

Weekend Update Velma Comes Out as a Lesbian Artist Sells Urine for 500

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Doctors worry about telling middle-aged women to lose weight” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Some doctors are worried about a new recommendation asking them to encourage middle aged women to lose weight. also worried about women losing too much weight, black guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Empire State building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Empire State— What? The Empire State Building lit up blue and white to celebrate Aaron Judge hitting his record 6Michael Chend Home run to the season. While over in Queens, a porta potty was set on fire in honor of the Mets blowing the division.

[cut to an article that says “Velma out as a lesbian”]

In a new Scooby Doo Halloween specialty, character Velma is openly depicted as a lesbian. Finally. She was openly depicted as lesbian which explains why Scooby is now a rescue pitbull.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 5th of October at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wednesday was National Coffee With A Cop day and something tells me cops like their coffee black with a couple of shots in it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a sky scraper in san Francisco at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Michael! new skyscrapers being designed in San Francisco featuring a clear glass cube on top, it will appear to be floating. And then a week later, appear to be covered in dead birds.

[picture changes to a calendar marked on 4th of October]

This Tuesday was national vodka day. Oh, so that’s why my dad called.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pumpkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hefty has introduced pumpkin spice into trash bags and I gotta say ‘pumpkin spice into trash bags’ is probably the best slur for white people I’ve ever heard.

Weekend Update Marcello Hernández on the MLB Playoffs

Colin Jost

Marcelo Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Major League Baseball season wrapped up this week and the playoffs are underway. Here to give us his thoughts is new SNL cast member Marcelo Hernandez.

[Marcelo Hernandez slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Marcelo Hernandez: Yes, thank you. Thank you, New York. Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: What’s up Marcelo? So are you a baseball fan?

Marcelo Hernandez: Well, Colin, you know, my mom is from Cuba. And my dad is from the Dominican Republic. So obviously, they’re divorced. But it also means I love baseball. You know, Latinos dominate baseball. And I’m not saying we’re naturally better. I’m just saying we’re more fun to watch. I mean, who would you rather watch play baseball? Tanner from Kentucky, or a guy that they call Papi and no one knows why. This guy got so good at his job, everyone started calling him Dad. Like Colin, has anybody here ever called you, daddy?

Colin Jost: I’d rather not say. What about like Aaron Judge? Right? He just hit his 62nd home run, set the AL record

Marcelo Hernandez: Yeah, I think it’s impressive, Colin, but there just wasn’t enough emotion for me. He hits his 62nd home run, puts the bat down gently. And then it’s a couple of high fives and straight to the dugout. When a Dominican guy hits a homerun Colin, he throws the bat to a different dimension. And once he gets the home plate, he thanks everyone he’s ever encountered. He’s like “Thank you to my mother and my sister and my father and that one guy from that day I beat up that one time.” Everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy. The American announcer who’s been speaking English the whole game gets an accent all of a sudden. Now this guy named Jeff is like, “A now coming to the plane, frrrom San Do-Do-Diego, Starling Marte.” Cue the Merengue music. Even the white guys in the crowd are like, “To-go-to-go-tinga tanka kung kang.” Then this guy comes up and he pulls a chain out of nowhere. He tells the pitcher to relax. And then he brings Jesus into it, he’s like “In the name of the Father and…” And then once he gets to batting, Colin it’s all hips. Do you feel that Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure it feel it, yeah.

Marcelo Hernandez: Everyone in the crowd is pregnant by the time he’s done back. And the postgame interviews are different Colin. white guys are so boring. They’re always talking about the game. It’s like we had a game plan and we executed it.

Colin Jost: But I bet Latin guys do a different?

Marcelo Hernandez: Don’t do that, Colin. I don’t like that. But yes, it is very different. After a baseball game, Latin guys, if they do get a sentence off in English, it’s not about the game. The reporter is like “What was going through your head on that 3-2 slider? And then Ramon is like, “Man, I love Miami man. The weather, the people, the food is amazing.” Have you noticed Colin, they really only speak English until they lose patience. You know? You ask them a loaded question and they go, “Well, for the song, I think that—” [starts speaking Spanish aggressive]

Colin Jost: Marcelo Hernandez, everyone.

Marcelo Hernandez: Thank you.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.

Weekend Update Dr Oz Experiments Killed 300 Dogs Planned Parenthood Opens Mobile Clinic

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Herschel Walker and DeniDr. Oz at left top corner.]

While the midterms are only a month away, and is it just me or some candidates trying to lose? Let’s start a Pennsylvania with Dr. Oz, seen here telling the audience how many minutes he’s lived in Pennsylvania. [Dr. Oz is showing his five fingers.] A review of scientific studies published by Dr. Oz [picture changes to an article that says “Experiments kill over 300 dogs”] revealed that his experiments killed over 300 dogs, but eventually he got the recipe right. [picture changes to a box of Dr. Oz’s meatballs] Dr. Oz has refused to comment on the report that his research killed over 300 Dogs, though it’s possible he couldn’t hear the question over the woodchipper.

But don’t worry. Dr. Oz won everybody back last night when he gave his speech in front of Hitler’s car. Worse, He then got into the car and backed over a dog.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker denied reports that he paid for a girlfriend’s abortion saying “I sent money to a lot of people” before adding “You know, for abortions.” After news broke that Walker paid for his ex girlfriend’s abortion, he raised more than $500,000 because dollars are the only thing Walker is willing to raise.

[Cut to . There’s a picture of  Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida governor and Dallas Cowboys cheerleader Ron DeSantis explained why so many residents fail to evacuate saying “Some people just don’t want to leave their homes, which is why sometimes you have to trick them onto a plane to Martha’s Vineyard.” [picture changes to an article that says “DeSantis flies migrants to Martha’s Vineyard”]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stewart Rhodes at right top corner]

Michael Che: During the trial of Oathkeepers founders Stewart Rhodes whose beard is patchier then his eye, prosecuters played a recording of him saying that his only regret about the January 6 attacks was not bringing rifles, which sounds like an obvious confession of guilt. But try looking at things from Rhodes’s perspective with little to no depth perception.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, President Biden pardoned thousands of convicted marijuana users and it feels like maybe he celebrated with them a little because yesterday, Biden gave a speech at a car factory and opened with this.

[Cut to Joe Biden’s speech opening]

Joe Biden: I’m gonna start off with two words – “Made in America”.

Colin Jost: Wow, well let me respond with two words, Jesus H Christ. Biden was then heard criticizing reporters at the White House for shouting questions at him, questions like “What year is it?” and “Who’s the current president?” Also they weren’t reporters, they were doctors.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are picture of Kanye West and Tucker Carlson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West appeared on Tucker Carlson show to defend wearing a white lives matter shirt claiming he wore the shirt because he was using a gut instinct. But what he’s definitely not using are the meds prescribed to him.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s an article that says “Pilot draws queen portrait with flight path” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A British pilot created the largest ever portrait of Queen Elizabeth by drawing her outline on a flight path over the country. Let’s see a picture. [picture changes to a very badly drawn face on sky] Wow, that’s a stunning likeness. She always was smiling.

[Picture changes to Planned Parenthood logo]

Planned Parenthood says it will soon open its first mobile abortion clinic in the country, which will make it easier to provide care to patients anywhere in the country that Herschel Walker has visited.

Weekend Update Black Ariel on Disneys LiveAction Ariel Remake

Colin Jost

Ariel… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Disney… Great transition. Disney recently made history after announcing the live action remake of “The Little Mermaid” featuring a black Ariel. Here to comment is black Ariel.

[Ariel slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Ariel: Hi. Thanks so much, Colin. You know, you can you can just call me Ariel. I don’t call you white Colin to your face.

Colin Jost: That’s my bad. So Ariel, some people online are now calling you a hero and a role model.

Ariel: Role model to who? Black girls who want to be a fish? I gotta be honest, Colin, it’s a lot of pressure. People are all like, “Oh, Ariel, you’re perfect. You’re the hero we need.” Bitch, I am normal.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I guess hero’s a lot to live up to.

Ariel: Yeah, it is. I did not ask for any of this. My mom got drunk and had sex with a tuna and now I’m here. Yo, well, y’all gotta chill with the  hero talk.

Colin Jost: Right. So I guess you’re not perfect, right?

Ariel: Honestly, worse than that. I’m kind of bad. Yeah, I grew up rich. Like, Bezos rich. My dad was the king of the sea. We had money money. I used to ride around a little see horses for fun.

Colin Jost: What’s wrong with that?

Ariel: Down there, those are just poor people. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Wow, yeah, well, that’s not great. No.

Ariel: I’m dumb too, Colin. Yes. Like stupid stupid. My brains have fish. I’m dead ass by the worm on a hook, gets me every damn time.

Colin Jost: Me too, sometimes. Ariel why are you telling us all this?

Ariel: Because I’m just trying to get ahead of stuff. For example, I hate the ocean. I’m pro SeaWorld. I met Shamu. And let me put it like this, I’m glad has ass us locked up.

Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well, I’m sure there’s some other—

Ariel: Also, supported the war in Iraq. Got nothing to do with being in the sea, just wanted revenge for 9/11 Jost. Come on, I know some of you did too, stop playing.

Colin Jost: Alright. Okay. I don’t know why you’re telling us all this but I understand there’s a lot of pressure being the hero.

Ariel: Also did the oil spill.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

Ariel: Did the BP oil spill. Yes. I ran up on that pipeline drunk as hell one night and did a little damage. Yes, to this day flounder still won’t talk to me.

Colin Jost: I’m so sorry. Well, Ariel, that was really bad for the environment.

Ariel: Oh, come on. Who cares? Sea levels are rising, salmon are dying. Good. Salmon are racist. Have you ever talked to one?

Colin Jost: No, I have not.

Ariel: Of course not. Because you’re not willing to do the work.

Colin Jost: Ariel, I thought you were just gonna come out here and you know, like, sing a little song. Don’t you have a little Jamaican crab that you sing with?

Ariel: Listen, Colin, I got a lot of crabs but they don’t sing. They are Jamaican though. Jamaican my nuts itch.

Colin Jost: Ariel, black Ariel, everyone.

Ariel: You just call me Ariel.

Try Guys

Laura Fields… Ego Nwodim

Colin O’Doherty… Brendan Gleeson

Eugene Yang… Eugene

Zack day… Zack

Keith Dismukes… Keith

[Starts with CNN TODAY intro]

Laura Fields: Welcome to CNN today. I’m Laura Fields. Let’s go right to the White House with our very own Colin O’Doherty. Colin?

Colin O’Doherty: Thanks, Laura. President Biden just reiterated his steadfast support for Ukraine after last night. I’m sorry, I’m just hearing.

Laura Fields: Colin. Colin is everything okay?

Colin O’Doherty: And that’s confirmed. Okay. Yes. Sorry, Laura. I’m getting breaking news that the Try Guys have now in fact responded to the whole Ned Fulmer situation. Wow.

Laura Fields: I’m sorry, what?

Colin O’Doherty: Well, it’s obviously an evolving story but CNN can confirm that the Try Guys have released their official YouTube video clapping back at ex-Try Guy Ned Fulmer, the wife guy try guy. He disrespected the brand by making out with one of the food babies at the Harry Styles concert. It’s a sad day indeed. Colin O’Doherty, the White House.

Laura Fields: I’m going to be honest, Colin, I don’t know what any of that is. What in the world is a Try Guy?

Colin O’Doherty: Laura, how do you not know the Try Guys? Oh. They’re BuzzFeed pranksters who try stuff. Like trying fingernail polish or weird hair cuts. Hell, they’ve even tried eating bugs.

Laura Fields: Gotcha. Back to President Biden. Russia’s escalating threats to the west with a tax plan—

Colin O’Doherty: Sorry to interrupt, Laura. This is unbelievable. I’m told we actually have the three remaining Try Guys on the line. Ready to talk? Are you there, Try Guys?

[Cut to Try Guys]

[cheers and applause]

Keith: Hello.

Eugene: Hello.

Zack: Hi.

Colin O’Doherty: Wow, first off, Eugene, Zack, Keith. It’s an honor.

Eugene: Thank you. This is— Yeah, it’s just surreal. There’s a lot of anger on this couch.

Laura Fields: Okay, welcome, Try Guys. I’m trying to understand why this story is such a scandal. Was this affair non consensual?

Zack: No. Worse. He committed the heinous act of having a consensual kiss and not telling us, his friends.

Laura Fields: I’m sorry. Why is that heinous?

Colin O’Doherty: Well, you have to remember the power dynamics, Laura. He’s a Try Guy and she’s a food baby.

Laura Fields: Right, right, right. Yeah, you’ve said that. So what now?

Keith: Well, we’ve conducted an internal review with a team of HR professionals and are no longer working with white guy wife guy try guy Ned. I don’t know what else to say. He has to pay.

Laura Fields: Okay. Wow. So the full story is that your friend had a side chick and you fired him?

Eugene: Yes, we had no choice. And we hope he has somewhere on his back with a bullet in his brain and belly.

Laura Fields: Walk. Is that a bit extreme?

Colin O’Doherty: No. Well, you have to remember Laura. You have to remember Laura, the side chick was the food baby.

Laura Fields: Yeah. You keep saying that. What is a food baby?

Colin O’Doherty: Food babies is a spin off food show on the Try Guy’s channel, you idiot.

Laura Fields: Okay, stop. Turning back to the actual news. Iran is on the cusp of a new cultural revolution being—

Keith: Cut back to us.

Laura Fields: No.

Keith: Due to the trauma we are facing, our editors are working around the clock to remove any trace of Ned from past Try Guys content. This is the battle of our lives.

Laura Fields: Bro, Jay Z cheated on Beyonce. It’s gonna be okay.

Eugene: Cut back to us. Look at me. This is the face of grief.

Laura Fields: No, it’s not.

Eugene: It is though. And just FYI, we are still going to be releasing some previously filmed branded videos. So yeah, you might see Ned in sweet green presents the Try Guys try salad with bugs on top.

Zack: And it will still be amazeballs, but it will also be sad balls. We’re all processing this horrific, violent and probably racist tragedy.

Laura Fields: Can you come back to me please

Keith: No. Stay with us. Hear this America, we will never stop bringing you the same Try Guys adventures.

Eugene: I will still be trying super weird Cambodian food. Zack will still be trying super weird Malaysian food. And Keith is still going to try wearing a thong for a week because it’s our duty.

Zack: Okay, this is too traumatic. This interview is over. Please.

Colin O’Doherty: Thank you for your bravery, Try Guys. Know that the country is with you. What’s today’s date? Whatever it is, never forget. For CNN, I’m  Colin O’Doherty.

Laura Fields: And they’re millionaires. Okay. I’m gonna go see what ketamine is all about. This has been CNN today. Good night.

[Ends with CNN TODAY outro]

So You Think You Wont Snap Cold Open

Morgan Freegirl… Bowen Yang

Heather… Heidi Gardner

Kayla… Chloe Fineman

Tracy… Sarah Sherman

Dale… Kenan Thompson

Henry… Devon walker

[starts with Morgan Freegirl in his show set]

Morgan Freegirl: Hello America. [cheers and applause] Have you noticed that everyone around you is angry and crazy? People are flipping out at Target, stabbing his back. And the only thing that can cheer us up is watching a sexy show about Jeffrey Dahmer. We are living on the edge and tonight I’m here to push us over as we play…

Intro:So you think you won’t snap!

Morgan Freegirl: [walks to his booth] Yes, that’s right. I’m your host Morgan Freegirl. Tonight we found the only people in America who have not yet snapped. Let’s meet them. It’s Heather, Kayla, Dale and Henry. [cheers and applause] The game is simple. I’ll read real stories from the news and if you keep your cool, you win big money. All right, Heather, you’re up first in the hotspot.

[Heather walks to the spot]

Heather, you are a music professor and white yoga teacher in Burlington, Vermont.

Heather: Yes, I’m just kind of a chill person. So I promise you’re not gonna get me up.

Morgan Freegirl: Hope you’re right. I’m gonna read you some headlines and to tell if you’ve hit your breaking point, you have in front of you a today’s show sized glass of wine.

[a girl brings a glass of wine and puts it on Heather’s table]

Heather: Oh, I’m not going to drink that. I’ve been sober for 15 years.

Morgan Freegirl: Love that confidence. Let’s play. Let’s start with Ukraine. A massive bridge explosion today cut off the Russian supply chain.

Heather: I saw that. Hopefully it brings us for one step closer to an end.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, on Thursday, Biden said we are closer to nuclear Armageddon than we’ve been in 60 years.

Heather: I don’t know where to put that in my brain. But I love Biden.

Morgan Freegirl: Totally, new to. Do you know how old he is? Did you know that when Joe Biden was born, we didn’t have highways?

Heather: That’s a fun fact.

Morgan Freegirl: Joe Biden was Henry3 years old when he got his first home computer.

Heather: Why are you doing this?

Morgan Freegirl: I’m not doing anything. You want a sip of that wine?

Heather: No, I’m totally good.

[the girl is pouring more wine in her glass]

Morgan Freegirl: Your next item is a video clip. Please enjoy this clip of Biden talking about his mental acuity.

[cut to an interview of Joe Biden]

Journalist: How would you say your mental focus is?

Joe Biden: Which focus? Ha-ha-ha. I think if— I haven’t— Look.

[cut to Heather drinking the whole glass of wine at once]

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a snap.

Heather: [finishing her wine] Mama missed you.

Morgan Freegirl: Up next is Kayla. Kayla get in the hotspot.

[Kayla takes the seat]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome Kayla. Kayla, you said you are a mom and are pickleball curious.

Kayla: Yeah, that’s right. I’m blessed with four beautiful children and don’t have time to worry about anything else.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, next to you is Tracy, a flight attendant for Frontier Airlines. [Tracy is standing next to Kayla] And if you want, you can hit her.

Tracy: Hello.

Kayla:  What? Gosh, I don’t hit people.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, they get hit all the time now, must be a good reason. Let’s play. We’ll start with Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

Kayla: Oh, the football player. I like him.

Morgan Freegirl: Well came out this week that though he supports a total abortion ban, he allegedly paid for one and lied about it.

Kayla: Well, I bet that’ll come back and bite him in the butt.

Morgan Freegirl: That actually led to his best fundraising day ever.

Kayla: Well, that’s hard to compute, but I don’t like politics. So can we talk about something fun instead?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. You’re a mom. Did you know that 86% of kids today say that when they grow up, their dream job is influencer.

Kayla: Okay, that sounds dumb. But my kids are into video games, so.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, great. They just released the trailer for the new Super Mario Brothers movie starring Chris Pratt. Let’s take a look.

[cut to Super Mario Brothers movie trailer]

Mario: Mushroom Kingdom, here we come!

[cut back to Kayla]

Kayla: What? He’s supposed to be Italian. That’s like, his whole thing. Argh! [starts hitting Tracy]

Morgan Freegirl: It was inevitable. Well, it’s time for our next contestant get up here, Dale.

[Dale takes the seat]

[cheers and applause]

Hello, Dale, you said you’re taking advantage of Biden’s new weed policy and you had sex right before coming on the show?

Dale: Yes, I sure did. God bless America.

Morgan Freegirl: Well Dale, time for your around. In front of you is a table of things you can sweep on the ground if you snap.

[there are bottle, martini glass, and ice container on the table]

Dale: No worry about that. Nothing can ruin my day today.

Morgan Freegirl: Of course, let’s play. This week Elon Musk—

Dale: Ah! [breaks everything on the table] That man needs to shut his mouth. Rich dude talking about going to Mars. Well, turn your ass to Mars then.

Morgan Freegirl: Thanks, Dale. And our last contestant is Henry.

[Henry is sitting on the spot]

Henry, you are a college student from Ann Arbor. We asked what keeps you up at night and you just said cutiea.

Henry: Yeah, I was just goofing.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, in front of you is a steaming hot iron just in case you need to use it on your hand.

Henry: Why would I in my hand?

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a great question. Let’s play. 401K’s are down Heather0%.

Henry:  I don’t have one so that doesn’t bother me.

Morgan Freegirl:  In the name of inclusivity, the Mars company has announced that the orange M&M has anxiety.

Henry: That’s the candy, doesn’t matter.

Morgan Freegirl: This week Kanye West called Lizzo fans demonic.

Henry: [exhaling] Okay. Alright, so you bringing up Kanye. All right. All right. It’s okay. I still like his music.

Morgan Freegirl: Kanye West also recently opened a private school.

Henry: Okay, a school. That’s good, right?

Morgan Freegirl: And says he has never read a book in his life.

Henry: Can I get a new topic?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. Let’s switch gears to Tucker Carlson. Last night, Tucker Carlson sat down with Kanye West.
Henry: Hey man, have a heart. Come on.

Morgan Freegirl: You’re right, you’re right. Let’s go to the world of fashion.

Henry: Okay, thank you.

Morgan Freegirl: With a photo of Kanye.

[Cut to a picture of Kanye West wearing “White lives matter” shirt.]

[Cut to Henry burning his face with the iron]

Henry: Ah!

Morgan Freegirl: Oh, there we go. When we come back, we’ll show an 80 year old man an episode of euphoria and…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

 

Please Dont Destroy Tommy

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Tommy… Brendan Gleeson

[Starts with high school graduates having a party]

John: Yo, Anthony, get off the island, bro. My mom is gonna freak out. Oh my god.

Martin: John, this party rocks.

Ben: It’s like legendary.

Tommy: Totally. Let’s hope your mom lets him drink.

John: She’s got to. We’re seniors now.

Tommy: Seniors. God, it feels so weird to say that. So used to being the junior.

Martin: Look at us grown up.

Ben: Oh, I got my Penn State app done by the way.

John: Dude, me too brother.

Martin: Same. Hello? Future roomies. What about you, Tommy? Done with your app?

Tommy: Actually, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’m not applying to Penn State.

John: What? Why?

Ben: You’re playing Harvard aren’t you, pal?

John: Tommy!

Martin: Oh, you friggin brainiac!

Tommy: No, no. Guys, look, remember when I told you I was 17?

Ben: Yeah, we all are.

Tommy: I’m 67.

Martin: What?

Tommy: I’m 67 years old.

Ben: No, you’re 17, you’re from New Jersey. Your name is Tommy Porcha Purchiano.

Tommy: My name is Seamus O’sullivan. I’m a 67 year old Irishman.

John: So let me get this straight. when we would skip seven periods, sneak beers, you were what? Some old guy?

Tommy: Think about it. When you are dragging crappy beer, I was drinking?

John: A glass of whiskey with a big square ice cube.

Martin: but Porcha, you’re the craziest kid in school. I mean, you did drugs in class.

Tommy: Those were blood thinners.

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: So all those times after gym class when we were nervously changing and you were really comfortable being asked nude?

Tommy: That’s just the way old fellas are.

Ben: Tommy, why are you in high school?

Tommy: I don’t know. I just felt lost. And then I watched Gossip Girl. And it just seemed fun.

Ben, John and Martin: What?

Ben: Come on, man.

Margin: You watched Gossip Girl and enrolled in high school?

Tommy: [mocking] You saw Gossip girl and then you enrolled in high school? I saw it with my wife.

Ben: Dude, you have a wife?

Tommy: Yes. And 13 children. Ah! Do you think they’d be mad at me?

Martin: Of course they’re gonna be mad at you.

Ben: Come on guys, let’s get the hell out of here.

John: I do just have one question. What any of this real?

Tommy: Was it real? Ben, when you forgot your lunch money, what did I do?

Ben: You gave me half your cabbage.

Tommy: When we were having body image issues, what did I do to make you feel better?

Martin: You took your shirt off and jumped around a little.

Tommy: John, when your father passed, who was there to support your family?

John: You.

Tommy: Staying with your mother every night, giving her massages, sleeping in our bed?

John: I didn’t know that happened.

Tommy: Just saying. You’re my boys. Weren’t about to have an epic senior year.

Martin: Wait, then what about your family?

Tommy: Don’t be dumb. I’m not going to miss me senior year. Not when we finally run this school.

All: Yeah!

Martin: [showing his car keys] Anybody needs a lift?

[cut to Tommy, Ben, John and Martin on a car. Tommy is standing behind at the back of the pickup.”

Tommy: I feel infinite.

[now everyone is standing at the back of the pickup”

All: I feel infinite.

New Cast Advice

Michael Longfellow

Devon Walker

Marcello Hernandez

Molly Kearney

Kenan Thompson

[In the video, it’s written “What’s it like being new at SNL?”]

Michael: Being a new cast member at SNL, you get a lot of advice.

Devon: Advice from friends, family, veteran cast members. Even Lorne.

Marcello: Lorne told me, “Don’t do too much in the first couple shows, let the audience discover you and get to know you.”

MIchael: He told me to find writers who understand my voice, my odd haunting voice.

Devon: He told me to just be me, to trust my instinct from stand up, and then I’ll know how to handle an audience. He was really sweet about it.

Molly: See, this is all kind of crazy to hear. Because on day one, Lorne pulled me into his office and said, “Molly, there’s only one reason you’re here. I need you to kill Vladimir Putin.” He hands me this gun. He says, “Don’t worry, the serial numbers have been scratched off, they’ll never trace it back to us.” I’m like, “Us?”

Marcello: I told my friends. Don’t expect to see me in a bunch of sketches right away. Lorne said to really take my time. You know, maybe don’t even write a sketch till Christmas.

Devon: My uncle said make sure to get an accountant and to watch him because somebody will take my money.

Molly: I told Lorne, “Please don’t make me do this. I’d rather be doing sketches because that’s what I came here to do.” And Lorne goes, “Everybody’s done sketches. But you know what Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler never did? Kill Vladimir Putin?” And I’m like, “Aw, do I tell my agents about this?”

[In the video, it’s written “What kind of response have you gotten?”]

Michael: David Spade called and said “Congrats on your first update feature. We’re both from Arizona.” So that was really cool.

Devon: I got flowers from Kristen Wiig. I was like, that’s insane. I can’t even believe she knows who I am.

Molly: I get a call middle of the night. It’s former Secretary of State, John Kerry. He says Mom, I’m with Lorne. Can you be here in 10 minutes with your bags packed?” I’m thinking “Packed with what”

Michael: You feel like you’re part of a larger family all of a sudden. I saw my photo on the same wall as Eddie Murphy. I mean, that’s crazy.

Devon: I got recognized on the street after my first show. They didn’t think I was Kenan but it was still nice.

Molly: So I get to Lorne’s at 4 AM. It’s John Kerry, Bill Gates and weirdly, Kelly Ripa. Lorne says, “We can get you to Russia, but we can’t promise we can get you out.” And I really want to be on SNL. So I’m just like nodding my head and saying ‘Anything you say sir.” And Kelly Ripa was really sweet. She’s like, “Whatever happens, just know your family will be taken care of.” I’m like, “Is Kelly Ripa gonna pay for my funeral?”

[In the video, it’s written “What is the writing process like?”]

Marcello: I was working on a sketch this week. And Lorne said, “Don’t rush into it.” He said even if I’m not in any sketches for the first year or two, that’s fine.

Devon: I told Lorne I was working on a sketch for me and Molly, and he just kind of stared off into the distance and said, “If we ever see Molly again.” That ain’t feel right.

Molly: I’m thrown in the back of a van. I hear a military guy scream, “If she gets captured over there, she’s on her own.” And I want her to be like, “It’s actually like, it’s actually they, not she,” but it didn’t seem like the right moment for the pronoun talk. Then we drive strength through the night at like 150 miles an hour. And I’m like, “Whoa. The hours of SNL really are crazy.”

[In the video, it’s written “Are you making friends?”]

Michael: We were texting each other the first week like “Good luck, break a leg.” Then Molly texted “I have to kill.” It’s like, don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself.

Devon: You realize there’s this whole community of people who work at SNL, and we’re all just here to do comedy. Except apparently Molly.

Molly: The van screeches to a halt. They throw me onto a dock rip off the hood. And I’m like, “Is this the Panama Canal?” Then a guy walks up in his safari hat and white mustache. I swear to God, it was Lorne’s twin brother. And he says, [foreign language] [Subtitle says “Let her go. She’s loyal.”] Then they drive away and I go to call an Uber but I can’t use my phone because they burned my fingerprints off.

Michael: At the end of the day, you have to realize you’re going to have good shows and bad shows. Last week I got on Weekend Update. This week, I get to play Kanye West. You just have to enjoy the ride.

Marcello: Exactly. Don’t try to write or pitch ideas. Don’t expect anyone to put you in sketches or give you a computer or an office or an ID so you can get inside the building. Just gotta chill at home.

Devon: And it’s even more exciting that there are four new cast members so we can all experience it together.

Molly: Long story short, most of my first week at SNL I spent on connecting buses through Central America, but I made it back in time for this show. And right before the cold open started, Lorne came up to me and said, “Molly, I’m really proud of you. And just so you know, we never made cast members kill people.” I thought that was really cool.

Kenan: Wait, so I didn’t have to kill Osama bin Laden? Damn. [pulls out a gun] Now I got a taste for it.

Headshots

Dustin… Michael Longfellow

Photographer… Andrew Dismukes

Grandpa… Michael Longfellow

Colin Farrell

[Starts with Dustin walking into the studio]

Dustin: Hey, I’m here for the head shots. You’re the photographer?

Photographer: No, I just like standing next to cameras. I’m kidding. I’m funny. Sit over there, we’ll get started.

Dustin: So, I brought in a couple of different looks. Nothing crazy. But…

Grandpa: Dustin? Dustin?

Dustin: Grandpa, what are you doing?

Grandpa: You forgot your fedora in the car. I thought you might need it for your little acting photos.

Dustin: They’re called head shots, grandpa. I’m sorry about him.

Grandpa: Oh, I see. I’ve interrupted. My apologies. I’ll shove off.

Photographer: Wait. I don’t mean to be weird, but there’s something very special about you.

Grandpa: Who me? [smiling] No.

Photographer: Yes, you must let me take your photo.

Grandpa: Oh, I don’t know. I’ve never had my picture taken before. [wears the hat]

Dustin: What about me?

Photographer: You can move your huge ass. Please, sir. Stand over there. [Grandpa throws the hat at Dustin and stands on the set] All right, here we go. Show me brooding. Yes, yes. Now get your smile on. Oh yes. Now, bite that lip and pop that hip. Yes, sir! Okay, now how about we do a silly one? Um-hmm. Yes. That was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen Seinfeld.

Dustin: Is it my turn yet?

Photographer: Sounds like you jealous that your boyfriend is the real star.

Grandpa: That’s my grandpa.

Photographer: Shut up. Please, sir, a few more. Okay. You ski. Oh! God, man. That is exactly what skiing looks like. Now, how about cute shy boy? Aww, why so shy, cute boy? Come on out of that shell, won’t you? More. Yes, more, more. Come on. Yes, correct. Yes, that is exactly right.

Dustin: What am I supposed to be doing?

Photographer: How about you write a book about the time I saw your grandpa for the first time? Now, where were we?

Grandpa: No, we’ve had a laugh. But I think it’s time for this old man to go.

Photographer: No, no. Don’t you understand? The world needs to see what I see.

Grandpa: But you really think that if people saw this plain old face, there’d be no more war?

Photographer: Exactly.

Dustin: What?

[Colin Farrell walks in]

Colin Farrell: Hi, Colin Farrell here to get some head shots. I can come back later.

Photographer: Wait. This is gonna sound so weird. But there’s something very special about you.

Colin Farrell: Me? No.

Photographer: This is a crazy idea, but would you go stand next to him? Please? [Colin Farrell walks next to Grandpa] Um-hmm. Yes. Ah, yes. Just as I suspecte,d it works. Would you indulge me?

Colin Farrell: I don’t know. I’ve never had my picture taken before.

Dustin: That’s a lie.

Photographer: Silence. All right, boys, this changed the world. Okay. You’re buddies but sometimes you don’t get along. Oh, yes! Now, one of you is the president and one of you is meeting the President. Come on. Oh. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Finally. Double cute shy boy. Oh my god. Yes. [on the phone] Hello, Tiger Beat magazine? It’s your cousin Marvin Tiger Beat magazine. You know that sound you’ve been looking for? Well listen to this.

[cut to front page of Tiger beat magazine with Grandpa and Colin Farrell’s picture]

Dustin: Okay, is it my turn now?

Eyes

Boss… Brendan Gleeson

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Janine… Sarah Sherman

Michael Longfellow

Carl… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five colleagues in a meeting]

Boss: Alright guys, focus. Denver is counting on us to come up with new slogan for the city.

Ego: Okay, how about “Denver, sky’s the limit”?

Boss: That’s good. That’s really good.

Bowen: All right. I was thinking “Denver, gateway to the Rockies.”

Boss: All right, now we’re talking.

Janine: Ah, who even cares? [Janine is hiding her face]

Boss: Janine, you’ve had a bad attitude all morning. What’s the problem?

Janine: Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s just that nobody noticed.

Bowen: Noticed what?

Janine: Nobody noticed I got my eyes replaced. [Janine shows her eyes. It’s like a toy.]

Ego: No, no. Yeah, Janine. We definitely noticed.

Bowen: We had an emergency meeting about it the second you walked in the door.

Boss: Ultimately, we decided that legally it would be just be safest that we pretended we didn’t see it.

Michael: But  since you brought it up, why did you do this, Janine?

Janine: This is ridiculous. Nobody’s asking Luann about why she got a huge fake rack.

Ego: I literally didn’t.

Janine: Oh my god. Good for you.

Boss: Janine, I can’t help but feel you. Like, you’ve made a grave mistake.

Janine: Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s totally reversible. All I have to do is keep my old eyeballs refrigerated. Oh my god! Oh my god, no. Oh my god. I forgot to put my eyeballs in the refrigerator. Oh my god. Oh my god, no. [Janine pulls out her eyes our of her two pockers] They’ve been loose in my pockets for the last 72 hours. Oh my god, no. They’re still god, right? Can you smell them? And tell me if they’re still good. Right? And you guys are smelling them? And they’re good? I can’t see you guys’s reaction right now. I can’t read facial expressions.

Michael: Wait, your eyes are worse now?

Janine: Yes, 100%.

Ego: Then why did you do it?

Janine: To improve my appearance?

Bowen: But it looks worse.

Janine: It does? Oh my god. No!

[Carl walks in]

Carl: Hey, everybody, sorry. I’m late.

Janine: Hey, Carl, what do you think my new eyeballs?

Carl: And I’m going straight to church.

Janine: Guys, come on. Seriously? Let’s focus up, okay? We got a lot of business to take care of. Okay? Hey, how about this? “Denver City of Angels”?

Ego: That’s Los Angeles.

Janine: Oh my God, are you serious? Oh my god, no.

Bowen: Yeah, that’s famously Los Angeles.

Janine: Don’t be mean to me, okay? I can’t cry because the tears go back inside my head, and my brain will drown.

Boss: Your brain will drown? What are you talking about?

Janine: You know what? You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Today, you all put a woman’s body on trial.

Michael: You brought it up.

Janine: You know what? I came in this morning with a lot of great pitches. Pitches like “Denver, City of Angels.” “Denver, Keep Austin weird.”

Boss: You know, we can’t use that.

Janine: So I quit. And I’m leaving not in disgrace, but with dignity, elegance and class. I’m gonna be taking my portfolio with me. [grabs some cake]

Bowen: That’s coffee cake.

Janine: And of course, I will also be taking my jacket. [pulls out the curtain] And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you all a Jew. [Janine walks and hits water cooler] Oh, oh my god. Allen. I didn’t know you were in here. You look amazing. See how easy that was? To pay a compliment to a friend?

Boss: Janine, that’s not a human being. That’s a water cooler.

Janine: I’ll leave you all with this. Life comes at you pretty fast. And if you blink, you just might miss it. And me? well, I’m not gonna miss a thing.

Boss: So, “Denver, if you blink, you will miss it.”

Ego: Yeah, I love that one.

Boss: You like that one?