Weekend Update- Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Neil Gorsuch

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Supreme court is also back in session this week with new Trump appointed justice Neil Gorsuch. Here to comment is liberal justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg slides in] [cheers and applause]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Let me at ’em. Let me at ’em. Put ’em up.

Colin Jost: You are coming in swinging, justice.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Colin, no, I can’t go on a swing. I’m too tiny. Last time I went on a swing, I ended up in space.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. So, what do you think of your new colleague, Neil Gorsuch?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ugh! This new guy, yap-yap-yap-yap-yap. If I knew he was coming in so hot, I would have worn an oven mitt. Which is what I use as a sleeping bed. But, I will say, Colin, it’s nice to have nine justices again, because for the last year, we’ve been a hung jury. Except for justice Alito. That guy legislates from the bench, but he measures from the balls. That’s a Gins-burn! What?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost] [Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Alright. Just, well, you might not have a full bench for long coz justice Kennedy says he’s considering retiring. Are you worried about that?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Of course, I am. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I can’t wait to see the goon Trump brings in next. The honorable justice Steven Seagal? Kennedy was supposed to be our swing vote, right? If he goes, it’s gonna be just Roberts. And if he swing and I’m taking my keys out of the bowl. You smell that? What is that?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I don’t kow.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What is– it smells like smoke. What is it? It’s a Gins-burn.

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, right. Yes. And Kennedy could be the decisive vote in this big new Gerrymandering decision that’s coming up.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yes. Gerrymandering! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Thank you for saying. Look at this. [Ruth Bader Ginsburg pulls out a chart with six lands marked red] Gerrymandering districts. Look at the way the politicians redrew these maps. That’s not a district. That’s a tape worm. They snip. They snip a little here, a little there. Hello, we see what you are doing. It’s like they’re at a cocktail party, they’re taking all the shrimp. And all the democrats are left with this sweaty cheddar. By the way, sweaty cheddar is what they call Steve Bannon in college. Ouch! That’s a nasty Gins-burn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost] [Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Wow! You blew your glasses off. That’s amazing.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: At my age.

Colin Jost: It does seem like you are in good spirits, justice.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I got to be, Colin. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] The supreme court justice is the only job where people openly place bets on when you’re going to croak. Well, jokes on you. I made a deal with our female god that I would trade height for years. So, by 2095, I’m going to be the size of a play mobile but I’ll still gonna be kicking ass and taking Boniva.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you are determined to stay and fight?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah. Who else is going to do it? [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] It’s always a woman. It just goes with the territory when you have got Yavoa. Or in my case, two little oxygen masks like they’ve got on an airplane. They look empty and they only drop down in an emergency. That’s a self-Gins-burn. Hello.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost] [Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Justice Rugh Bader Ginsburg, everyone.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Mental Health

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There has also been a national conversation this week about mental health. Here to share his thoughts on this topic is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Oh! Thank you. Hey, Colin. Thanks. Um, well, as some of you may know, [Cut to Pete Davidson] I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. A form of depression. Depression affects more than like, 16 million people in this country. And there’s no like, cure per say. But for anyone dealing with it, there are treatments that can help. Like, first of all, if you think you are depressed, see a doctor and talk to them about medication.Also, be healthy. Eating right and exercise can make a huge difference. And finally, if you are in the cast of a late night comedy show, it might help if they, you know, do more of your sketches.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Wait, are you saying that you are depressed because you are not getting enough air time?

Pete Davidson: Oh, no, no, no. I was born depressed. But it might make me feel better if I was on TV more.

Colin Jost: I don’t know if this is maybe the best solution.

Pete Davidson: I mean, it’s worth a shot. I mean, come on! [Cut to Pete Davidson] This show is like eight hours long and there is fifty sketches a week. It seems weird you wouldn’t use one of them to fight mental illness. But I guess that’s not your style.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. But maybe one approach would be to write more sketches for yourself, Pete.

Pete Davidson: That won’t work. [Cut to Pete Davidson] My sketches suck because they’re all written by a depressed person. Lorne said that.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, it’s sort of like a chicken and the egg thing.

Pete Davidson: Exactly. [Cut to Pete Davidson] In fact, chicken and the egg was also one of my sketch ideas that got rejected. It was about a chicken that ate eggs, but it was also about black lives matter.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That sounds terrible.

Pete Davidson: It is. So, I need you to write it for me.

Colin Jost: Wait! You haven’t even written it yet?

Pete Davidson: No! I’m depressed. Look, here, [pulls out a paper] I have a doctor’s note. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I’ll read it.

Colin Jost: For the air time?

Pete Davidson: Yes. [clearing throat] To whom it may concern. Please use Pete in more sketches where he gets to kiss the host. And use more of his rap videos which I hear are actually really good. [Colin Jost and Michael Che laughing] This doctor is good, man!

Colin Jost: Sounds like a real doctor.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Also, he should play Rex Tillerson a lot. Signed, Pete Davidson’s doctor.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That sounds legit. That sounds like a legit– [cheers and applause] Also, I would like to point out Pete, that you like nothing like Rex Tillerson.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: So, give me a mask. Like, what? He looks like a muppet fell in a lake. And that’s just one of the many jokes you will see next week on Pete Davidson’s First Impressions segment.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on the Las Vegas Shooting

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mandalay Bay hotel, Las Vegas at left top corner.]

The investigation into the tragedy in Las Vegas this week has sparked a larger debate in America between people who want common sense gun control and people who are wrong. This shouldn’t be a partisan issue. The guy had 47 guns. No one should own 47 if anything. If you own 47 cats, you are not a responsible pet owner, you’re a crazy cat lady. And unlike with guns, the government will actually come and take your cats away because everyone agrees that’s insane. Also, this guy bought 33 of his guns in the past year and that didn’t set any kind of alert? If I buy $100 worth of Chick-fil-A, I get a text message from my bank that says, “Did you just purchase $100 worth of Chick-fil-A? Please, Colin, tell us this is fraud.” How was no one keeping track of how many guns people own? There is a real law in Texas that says it’s illegal to own more than six dildos. And I get why. No one needs that many. If you have more than six dildos, it’s a clear sign you are training for something awful.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Capitol building at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Why is it so hard to get gun control in this country? I mean, who are these delicate snowflakes that we can’t just tell, “No, you are not allowed to have 40 guns anymore, Earl. From now on, you can have one gun, max, and six bullets. If you can’t hit what you’re shooting with six bullets, then you don’t need to be shooting at it. Learn karate or use your words.” I’m sick of this narrative that Americans just love guns so much. It’s not true. 78% of Americans don’t even own a gun. and 3% of Americans own 50% of all guns in the country. That’s the problem. That whiny 3% that needs to feel secure all the time. That’s why I think we should do a buy-back program. For every gun you trade in, we give you one half inch of penis enlargement. That’s fair. If you trade in 10 guns, you get five more inches. And if women want to trade in their guns, don’t. Keep your guns, because you’re probably going to need them to fight all of those men in spandex fighting to show off their brand-new eight inch penises.

[Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

of the house, Paul Ryan said that he wants congress to look into some proposals for gun control. But first, he wants to look into this briefcase from the NRA. [Picture changes to a briefcase filled with money] We have got to do something about the guns in this country. And I know about the second amendment. I know you think you need your gun to protect you from the government. I have noticed the people that bring up the second amendment all the time are always the same people that preach, “Respect law enforcement. Support the troops.” Meanwhile, they have a closet full of weapons because they think the same troops are gonna come and drive their house away. It’s hypocritical. It’s like saying, “I love my wife. I trust my wife. But I swear to god, that sneaky bitch is coming for me.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In other news, president Trump finally arrived in Puerto Rico this week. And let’s just say, problem solved.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump throwing toilet papers to the public] [Cut to Colin Jost]

Nothing says “I understand the gravity of the situation” like a billionaire tossing six rolls of paper towels to hurricane victims. Watching this, you know I realized Trump might not be the best president, but he would be the best mascot. Just let him go nuts like the Philly Phanatic throwing free stuff to fans, cruising around on a four wheeler, mocking other countries while he shakes that big old butt around.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions.]

Meanwhile, attorney general Jeff Sessions is no ending an Obama policy protecting transgender employees from discrimination. Clearly, Trump and Sessions only care about reversing this policy because Obama created it. What we need to do is convince these guys that Obama wrote the second amendment to protect guns. The next day, Trump will be tossing guns into the ocean like paper towels.

[Michael Che laughing]

Weekend Update on AIM Shutting Down

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of America Online logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: AOL has announced that their long-running instant messenger service will shut down for good in December. AOL’s announcement said simply–

Recorded robot voice: Good bye.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s heaviest woman died this week. The world’s heaviest woman was best known for her catch phrase, “Stop calling me that!”

[Picture changes to OJ Simpson and McDonald’s logo]

For OJ Simpson’s first meal after being released from prison, he had two double quarter pounder meals from McDonald’s. Which explains the new slogan for Burger King.

[Cut to Burger King commercial]

Male voice: Burger King. OJ eats at McDonald’s!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of medical pills at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House is expected to soon roll back the federal requirement for employers to include birth control coverage in their health insurance. Which is just ridiculous. I mean, of all the goofy nonsense that employers do pay for, cookie cakes, tote bags, office parties, you can’t also spring $10 a month for birth control? I mean, how about just skip one bagel Friday so that Karen in accounting doesn’t have to take a maternity leave every time she raw dogs her husband? Karen in accounting begged me not to tell that joke. How could any guy even be against birth control if it makes better sex and no kids? We don’t even get any of the side effects. Women do. And they’re fine with it. Honestly, I don’t know how we’re getting away with this. It knocks their entire chemistry out of whack. Women are basically putting their bodies through global warming just so I can keep pretending to have a latex allergy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mobile phone and mosquitos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s horrible. LG has introduced a new smart phone that emits ultrasonic waves which it says will keep mosquitos away… from your new brain tumor.

[Picture changes to a pie chart]

A new survey finds that half of Americans think that in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. While the other half are women.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking October, 2017 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: October is a national sarcasm awareness. Cool!

Themyscira

Wonder Woman… Gal Gadot

Leslie Jones

Mother… Cecily Strong

Dre… Kate McKinnon

Megan… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with warriors training] [Cut to Wonder Woman and Leslie sparring]

Leslie: Your power grows each day.

Wonder Woman: I was born to fight and save the world from Ares.

Leslie: And you will.

[Mother walks in]

Mother: Diana! We have spoken about this. I do not wish you to fight.

Wonder Woman: I must be prepared, mother. For Themyscira is a sanctuary of sisterhood. We must know how to protect ourselves.

All: Here, here.

[Dre and Megan sail in on a boat]

Dre: Hello. Hello? Oh, man.

Megan: Oh, wow. Permission to dock, ladies?

Dre: Yeah. Permission to dock. Hey.

[Dre and Megan get out of the boat and walk to Wonder Woman]

Megan: Yeah. We’ve been floating out there watching you guys kick ass.

Dre: And I was like, “Megan, paddle that way.” Yeah.

Wonder Woman: How did you find Themyscira?

Dre: Well, we went out on our schooner. We got caught in some kind of vortex.

Megan: Yeah. We’ve been paddling out there for weeks looking for some signs of life.

Dre: We were thinking we’re never going to get home so we started looking for more of our kind.

Megan: Yeah. And it looks like we found a whole island of us.

Wonder Woman: Well, welcome.

Dre: Thank you. Nice to meet you. I guess I’ll cut to the chase. Show a hands, who else here is a les?

[the warriors don’t raise their hands]

Is it everyone or do we have a couple of allies.

Megan: Yeah. Okay, so, it’s Megan and Dre. Who else? We got two. We’d love to see that [pointing at Wonder Woman’s hand] hand go up, Diane.

Wonder Woman: I’m not sure I understand.

Dre: Okay. We’re on it. So far for hands, we got Megan, we got Dre. Got to be more. This is outrageous.

Megan: Yeah. Maybe somebody in the back? you with the frosted tips?

Dre: Okay. So, nobody.

Megan: Nobody but the three of us. [hand gesture including Wonder Woman with them]

Wonder Woman: Oh, I didn’t raise my hand.

Megan: Okay, this is a huge letdown for us.

Dre: Again, just coz the whole thing seemed super gay.

Wonder Woman: You should be a couple.

Leslie: Yeah, y’all cute together.

Dre: Okay, we tried.

Megan: We tried.

Dre: It’s a no.

Megan: It’s a no.

Dre: It was not a fit.

Megan: Yeah. Yeah. We spent about half an hour working very hard on each other. And then I finally said, “Are you as miserable as I am?”

Dre: And I nodded.

Wonder Woman: I’m sorry. You are taking this wrong way.

Heidi: Diana is right.

[Melissa is playing with Heidi’s hair]

Melissa: Your hair smells like jasmine.

[Heidi and Melissa giggles with each other flirting]

Megan: Okay.

Dre: That burns.

Megan: Yeah.

Dre: I mean, what is that? That’s such a waste.

Megan: yeah. And that so easily could transition into such a cool night.

Wonder Woman: I mean I love all my sisters. But when I look at their bodies, all I see is strength and power.

Dre: Yeah, yeah. So, we see the same thing, but we see it on top of us squirming around, followed by a long discussion about our anxieties and our aging parents.

Megan: Yes.

[Melissa and Heidi are laughing]

Heidi: I vested you again.

Melissa: Your thighs are too too strong.

Megan: Okay. It’s like we are in a porn, but the plumber is just genuinely there to fix the pipes.

Dre: Dammit! Dammit! No one’s wrong here. It’s just– it’s just unfortunate.

[Wonder Woman puts her hands on each of Dre and Megan’s shoulders]

Wonder Woman: Will it help for me to comfort you? For we are all sisters. Lay your heads on my tits. [Wonder Woman puts Dre and Megan’s heads on her breasts.]

Megan: Okay. Do you see why this sucks for us?

Dre: See, this makes it so much worse. Water, water everywhere. Do you understand?

Megan: Yeah.

Wonder Woman: No, I really want to understand. I do. I know. Maybe I should just try and kiss one of you and see if I feel something.

Megan: Okay. I don’t want to play this game. I get too emotionally involved.

Dre: We’re not guinea pigs. We’re not here for you to experiment on. Unless you feel strongly about it.

Megan: Yeah. I mean, you are an amazon and you could overpower us.

Dre: Right. Right. It’s useless for us to try to fight you. So I guess just pick one of us. I’ll do it.

Wonder Woman: Very well.

Dre: Alright. Alright.

[Megan is biting her fingers.] [Wonder Woman kisses Dre. The kiss looks very intimate] [cheers and applause]

Wonder Woman: I’m sorry, I feel nothing.

Megan: Okay. And I felt nothing watching.

Dre: Nope. Me neither. Zero. I felt zero from that. So, now we know. Good. Get in the boat. This is too sad.

Megan: Yeah. Okay. Where are we going?

Dre: Away from here.

Megan: Okay. Okay.

[Cut to a cartoon map. A boat reaches an island called Lesbo’s.]

Female voice: Land ho! Just be cool. Ladies, ahoy!

The Naomi Show

Naomi.. Gal Gadot

Vanessa… Aidy Bryant

AJ… Heidi Gardner

Wall… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Naomi Show intro] [Cut to Naomi in her set]

Naomi: Welcome back to Naomi. Today, we’re talking to moms about their terrible teens. Our next guest is Vanessa Rogers who is having a problem with her daughter.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa, how are you?

Vanessa: Real bad, Naomi. AJ is 13. And she’s physically abusive, she curses, she calls our minister a bitch. And I found so many straws in her room. I don’t know if they are used for drugs but they scare me. Okay? I blame myself coz she has no father figure.

[Cut to Naomi]

Naomi: Vanessa, I’m going to help you today. Today’s children sit around and play video games. Where I’m from, we had to grow up tough. And it sounds like AJ needs some tough love. AJ, come on out.

[AJ walks in with hands full of straws. The audience booing.]

AJ: Oh, screw you all. Go on. Go on. Hate on me. You know, y’all are jealous of me and my straws because you don’t even know what I use them for.

Naomi: Okay. That’s enough. AJ, take a seat. [AJ sits beside Vanessa] We’ve been talking to your mother and it sounds like you’re out of control. This has to stop today.

AJ: Naomi, I run things so much in my house that sometimes she calls me mom.

Naomi: Vanessa, is that true?

Vanessa: On occasion, yes.

Naomi: Well, on my show, no one gets bossed around. AJ, meet sergeant Wall.

[sirens] [Wall walks in]

Wall: Well, well, well. What do we have here? You must think you bad, huh? [Wall grabs AJ by her hand and pulls her front roughly] You wanna get you act together, young lady?

AJ: Nah!

Wall: You wanna be good in school?

AJ: Hah, nah!

Wall: What about that woman right there? Do you love that woman? You love her, right?

AJ: No.

Wall: You need to learn some respect. There is an opening in my boot camp for the next eight weeks. You can come live with me. Do you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yes, sir.

Wall: What?

AJ: yes, sir. I want you to be my daddy.

Wall: You do? You sure you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yeah. I have no daddy. But wait. Now, I do have a daddy. You are my daddy.

Wall: Well, I mean, you know, let’s just–

Vanessa: Oh, wow, this is not what I expected.

Naomi: This is obviously what AJ needs.

AJ: Tyler, Regan, all my friends watching at home, meet my dad!

Naomi: We are witnessing a live adoption, ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to 5 in audience]

5: Um, excuse me. Excuse me. I work for the state and we’d love to help. We can make this done today. Hah?

[cheers and applause]

Wall: No. I think that might set a bad example. We should try to go through the proper channels.

AJ: Um, dad, I think we did. Because you just said you’re my dad, dad!

Vanessa: It is so good to have a man around the house again. And we can figure out the nature of our relationship. But let it be known, sergeant, that my vote is sexual.

Wall: Well, I am already in a relationship.

Vanessa: Okay. Well, then, I will be a side piece.

Naomi: No, no, no. No way. We don’t do that on my show. Sergeant wall, this is your family now. And you are going to treat them right.

AJ: I benefit from boundaries and stability. And dad, I’m happy to say I’m off my straws!

[AJ throws the straws away]

Wall: Okay. Y’all know I’m not really a sergeant, right? I mean, my name is Craig Willis. I’m an actor. You might have seen me on ‘Moesha’.

AJ: We don’t care what your job is, daddy. We love you.

Naomi: This is one of the most wonderful shows we’ve ever had. The birth of a family.

Vanessa:  Well. And, we’re expecting another.

Wall: Oh, damn! Okay.

Naomi: Another teen saved with a little tough love. When we come back, we’ll meet Paul, whose mother says he has never drank a glass of water.

 

The Maiden and The Mice

Mina… Gal Gadot

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Prince… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Story Book Classics intro]

Male voice: WE now return you to ‘Story Book Classics’ presents, The Maiden and the Mice.

[Cut to Mina getting in a room]

Mina: Oh, no! All is lost.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: What’s wrong, Mina?

Aidy: Don’t cry, Mina.

Kate: We love you.

[Cut to all]

Mina: Oh, my good, good mice. My evil stepmother. She stole my gown right before the ball, and the prince is on his way.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Never fear, Mina.

Aidy: You can still go to the ball.

Kate: Because we made you a dress!

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: What? Oh, little mice. You are my best and dearest friends. Where is it?

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: We will show you.

[Cut to all. The mice pull the divider in front of Mina and starts changing her dress.]

Aidy: Okay. We’ll help you. There we go. A thread is here.

Kyle: That’s the buttons. Perfect.

Aidy: Amazing!

Kate: Incredible.

[The divider is removed. The dress is horrible.]

Kyle: Oh, Mina, it’s perfect.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh! It’s– whoa!

Kyle: See, speechless!

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: She loves it.

Kate: You do love it, right princess?

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, yeah. Of course I do. It’s just a lot.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: What does that mean?

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, no, don’t get me wrong. It’s great. I just– I might take it with me and put it on there when I get there.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Why? You’re already wearing it.

Aidy: Princess, if you don’t like it, please, just say so.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: It’s just not really me. You see, I would never choose this for myself.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Well, we can add more hair balls if you want.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Um, maybe.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Is it a maybe? Or is it a no?

[Cut to all]

Mina: Okay. If I’m being completely honest…

Kyle: Oh, sure, start now.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Well, it’s made of rags and bags and chunks of dust.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Yeah. We’re working on a budget of zero dollars.

Kyle: And also, we’re mice. It’s a miracle we made anything.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: I’m sorry. I just can’t wear this to the ball.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Okay. Okay, cool. Well, I wish we knew that before we spent nine hours on it.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Ah! I didn’t know you were definitely working on it. I mean, I heard you mention it but I didn’t realize it was a go.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Yeah. My mom’s doing fine, by the way.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: I’m sorry. I could maybe wear it to the afterparty.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Look, we want you to wear it because you want to wear it, not because you’re humoring us.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, guys. Come on. Look at this. There’s big holes in it and the stitches are uneven.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Of course the stitches are uneven. Once again, we’re mice.

Aidy: Yes. The button is the size of my whole body.

Kate: We only live like, a year. We basically gave you our 20s.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: And I appreciate it. But this is not an evening gown.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: What do you know? You’re poor.

Aidy: Yeah. You’re poor. We live in a castle. We’re rich.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Stop calling me poor.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: You’re poor. Poor!

Mice: The prince!

[The prince walks in]

Prince: Mina, you look… wow.

Mina: Oh, my prince. I know. It’s terrible. All I have is a dress made by mice.

Prince: You mean… [Prince bows to the mice] You made this beautiful thing?

Aidy: Well, yes.

Prince: Would you accompany me to the ball?

Aidy: Oh, yes.

Mina: What? What about me?

Prince: Oh, sorry. I don’t date poor chicks. It gets messy real fast.

[The End]

The Chosen One

Chad… Pete Davidson

Elf… Mikey Day

Dwarf… Beck Bennett

Centaur… Kenan Thompson

Queen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Chad playing video game in his room at night.] [Suddenly, there’s a glowing light in his closet. Chad walks to the closet and opens it. He sees a portal inside and he walks through it. He reaches to a different world where it’s snowing. There are two men and a centaur welcoming him.]

Elf: Welcome. Our prophets told of a savior. He would arrive from another land to free our world from the grip of darkness. What is your birth name?

Chad: Chad.

Centaur: The dark lord Azerhan and his army of shadows has entombed our world in ice and snow.

Dwarf: Only you can defeat him, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: We must inform the queen of your arrival.

[Queen walks in]

Queen: No need. I felt his presence. I am queen Chrysalis, ruler of Assyria and the nine rivers from Stark to Everseed.

Elf: Okay.

Queen: There was a time when the meadows bloomed. And there is hope that they may bloom again for today marks your coming.

Chad: [giggling] Coming.

Queen: You are the savior of Assyria. So says the prophecy.

All: So says the prophecy.

Chad: Okay.

Queen: But you must undertake a dangerous journey. [Chad is using his phone] You may return to your world at any time if you desire. The choice is yours. But be warned.

Centaur: He left.

Queen: What?

[Elf walks forward]

Go.

Elf: My leige.

Queen: Yes.

[Cut to Chad playing video game in his room. Elf walks in his room through the portal.]

Elf: Chad, why did you leave?

Chad: I was bored.

Elf: Can you come back for a moment? We weren’t done.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad and Elf walk through the portal again]

Queen: Thank you, Chad. You have chosen to follow your destiny.

Dwarf: First, you must climb the mountain of despair.

Chad: Okay.

Centaur: Then ford the river of flame.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: And survive the forest of translucent transgressions.

Queen: And after the veil of evil is lifted, you will become king and I will give you with my virginity.

Chad: Dope! [Chad opens his pants]

Queen: After your journey.

Chad: Oh, okay. [Chad wears his pants back on]

Queen: To aid you on this quest, we give you these items.

Centaur: From the order of the centauri, I present you with this map to guide you. [Centaur passes a map to Chad] Thousands of my kind died beyond the mountains to create it. May they rest with the gods.

[As they are bowing to Chad, the wind blows the map away.]

Dwarf: And from the kingdom of dwarves, I give you the crystal of Gumligin to light your path. [Dwarf puts a crystal necklace on Chad. The crystal is glowing.]

Chad: Gay.

Elf: And from the Elven council, the sword of the great warrior, Ashton. [Elf gives Chad a sword. Chad starts swinging the sword randomly.]

Queen: Safe travels, young warrior. May the great gods bless you.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and walks away]

Elf: That boy is our last hope.

Queen: I do not see a boy. I see a warrior.

[Chad is holding the sword as if it is his penis]

Chad: Ha-ha. Look!

Dwarf: Hah! It’s like his sword is his penis. Very clever.

[The End]

Mirage

Kenan Thompson

Mark… Beck Bennett

Natalia… Gal Gadot

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Manager… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Kenan and Mark walking in a desert]

Kenan: Oh, there’s nothing. Just sand.

Mark: We haven’t had water for days. Our best bet is to stop and hope they will find us.

[Kenan and Mark sit]

Kenan: Oh! Natgeo.com doesn’t have the budget to search the whole Arabian desert for two B-roll cameramen. [looks around] Oh, wait. You see that, Mark?

Mark: No. If you’re seeing something, it must be a mirage.

[Cut to the open desert. Kenan is seeing a lemonade stand in the middle of the desert.]

Kenan: But it looks so real.

Lemonade girl: Hey there, you big thirsty guy? Do you wanna have some ice-cold lemonade?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh my god! Natalia, my wife’s trainer? Why am I seeing her?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Mark: Your brain is just giving you what you want to see.

[Cut to Natalia]

Natalia: Hey there, bit thirsty. I can’t drink all this lemonade by myself, silly guy.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, then we got work to do, baby.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: [breathing heavy] Oh, I think I’m seeing something too.

[Cut to the open desert. Mark is seeing Jamba Juice stand.]

Mikey: I got a banana-mataz for Mark. Banana-mataz with a zinc boost for Mark.

Kyle: Sir! Your banana-mataz with zinc boost is at the counter. Once again, Mark!

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: What the hell?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: What? What do you see, brother?

Mark: The Jamba Juice by my old work.

Kenan: Oh. Well, who’s making your smoothies? Some swimsuit model?

Mark: No. It’s the actual guys who worked at the Jamba Juice. Why is this what my brain is making me see right now? Are mirages supposed to be like a fantasy?

Kenan: Well, I wish you were seeing what I’m seeing.

[Cut to Natalia holding two lemons and teasing him]

Natalia: Hey, big thirsty. If you want to have your lemonade, you have got to dance with me.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, it’s a deal. [to Mark] How you doing, man?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I’m seeing a woman now.

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: Oh, alright. Who?

Mark: The manager and she hated me.

[Cut to Manager standing in front of the Jamba Juice stand and yelling at Mark]

Manager: Hey! You have a banana-mataz at the counter. Go get your damn banana-mataz juice.

[Cut to Mark looking frightened]

Mark: Oh, god! I don’t want to see the Jamba Juice staff right now.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, man. The sun is getting hotter. I’m burning up.

[Cut to Natalia holding a hand-fan and teasing Kenan]

Natalia: Oh, so hot. I had to lose my shirt. I’m probably a stinky little lady because I’m so sweaty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, this lemonade stand is getting pretty sexy.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: So is Jamba Juice.

[Cut to Mikey and Kyle playing at Jamba Juice stand shirtless.]

Kyle: Damn, sir. It’s hot as hell today.

Mikey: Yeah! By the way, I’ve still got a–

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: — A banana-mataz for Mark. I know! [to Kenan] I want to see what you’re seeing.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, Natalia? Well, I mean, I showed you that photo of her. Just picture it.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Okay. Come on, brain. Natalia. Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia behind Jamba Juice stand]

Natalia: Hey there, handsome sweaty guy. I’ve never made a smoothie before. Will you help me?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I would love to, Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia. She eats a strawberry.]

Natalia: Umm. Strawberry is my favorite.

[Mikey and Kyle walk in]

Mikey: You can’t be behind here.

Kyle: You cannot be behind the counter.

[Mikey and Kyle pushes Natalia away] [Cut to Mark]

Mark: No! Natalia left!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Same over here. But I don’t mind her replacement.

[Cut to Manager behind the lemonade stand]

Manager: Let’s drink some lemonade, dude!

Gal Gadot Monologue

Gal Gadot

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Gal Gadot.

[Gal Gadot walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Gal Gadot: Thank you. Thank you so much. Wow! I’m so happy to be here. Thank you. I’m so happy to be here. Okay, yes, I know I have an accent. Obviously I’m not from here. That’s right. I’m from Albuquerque. No, just kidding. I grew up in Israel. And this is so exciting for me because tonight’s show is being broadcast live in Israel for the very first time ever.

[cheers and applause]

Hi, ma. Hi, Abba. And I actually have a quick message for the rest of my friends and family back home. So, excuse me. [speaking foreign language]

Subtitle reading: Hi everybody. I just want to let you know that this might be a big mistake. The writers here clearly know nothing about Israel. In every sketch they have me eating hummus. I mean, I like hummus, but come on. They’re nice, but they’re not very sophisticated. I think they believe that I’m actually Wonder Woman. So good luck to me. I’m hoping for the best.

Gal Gadot: Now, most of you know me as Wonder Woman. And I loved doing the movie because it inspired so many young girls to be their own heroes.

[Leslie Jones walks in wearing Wonder Woman costume] [cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Tell me about it. Yeah. We really do inspire people, don’t we?

Gal Gadot: [laughing] I’m sorry, who are you?

Leslie Jones: I’m the Time Square’s Wonder Woman. You know how you take picture with young girls who look up to you? I do the same with German tourists.

Gal Gadot: Oh, wait. Like, the Time Square Elmo?

Leslie Jones: Um, yeah. But Elmo’s a freak. Any time you see one of his costume arms hanging down limp, he’s up to something.

Gal Gadot: Got it. Got it.

Leslie Jones: Okay, I just wanted to tell you that I’m a big fan and I love how you portrayed our character in the ‘Wonder Woman’ movie. I just saw it on DVD.

Gal Gadot: Oh! So you didn’t get to go to the theater to see the movie?

Leslie Jones: Well, the DVD I bought was shot in the theater. But the important thing is we are an inspiration to women everywhere.

Gal Gadot: That’s right. Women can be any kind of Wonder Woman they want to be.

Leslie Jones: Damn right.

Gal Gadot: My Wonder Woman has bracelets to stop bullets.

Leslie Jones: Um. And I’ve got bracelet that tells the paramedics what blood type is.

Gal Gadot: I have an invisible jet.

Leslie Jones: Oh. And I got a fake handicap sticker that makes my car invisible to meter maids.

Gal Gadot: Um, I have a lasso that makes people tell you the truth.

Leslie Jones: And bitch, I got vodka. Let’s take a selfie. You know, us Wonder Women got to stick together. Yeah. Can I get $5?

Gal Gadot: What?

Leslie Jones: Ha-ha. You give it to me later. I just love you.

Gal Gadot: Oh, we got a great show for you tonight. Sam Smith is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.