Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Now that Donald Trump is the Republican nominee. Many are concerned about his lack of foreign policy experience as well as this “romance with Russian dictator Vladimir Putin”. Here to comment is a woman from a small village in Russia. Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: Hello, my babies. Good to see you Colin. [waving at Michael Che] Black Colin.

Colin Jost: So Olya, how has it been going in Russia? What have you been up to?

Olya: Hmm. Let’s see. I forget. Let me check my day planner here. What did I do? Oh, Wednesday, yes, I did this. [acting like she’s crying] And then Thursday, I was like… [acting like she’s running from something] And then the Friday. Yes, Friday. Me and my home girls, we got together. We did this thing. [acting like she’s shivering in cold] “So cold. So cold I want to die.”

Colin Jost: Come on, Russia can’t be that bad.

Olya: What? Colin! White Che! You know, in America, you like, “Hey Bobby, got to hell.” Well in Russia we say, “Hey Bobby, stay put.”

Colin Jost: Wow. You’re on fire.

[Olya thinks she’s literally on fire]

Olya: Ah! Not again. Where? Where? Not again.

Colin Jost: No. You’re not actually on fire. Let’s get back on track. What do you think about the fact that Donald Trump could be our next president?

Olya: Oh, Colin. Colin. This is so sweet. This is like candy in my mouth to me. I’m assuming. For years, America has made fun of Putin. And now you guys have a Putin of your own. Welcome to the suck!

[sneezes]

I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: Oh my God bless you. God bless you.

Olya: He never has and he never will. But really America, come on. You guys have Trump, but you call Putin crazy? This is like part calling all my toes black. At least our guy is jacked. I mean, have you seen that photo of Putin shirtless on that horse? I mean, yummy, yummy.

Colin Jost: Wait a second. You think Putin is sexy?

Olya: No, I’m saying the horse look delicious. I’m starving, Colin. Pay attention.

Colin Jost: Okay. Olya, what do you think about the fact that Putin once called Trump a genius?

Olya: Hmm. You know, having Putin call you genius, this is not compliment. That would be like if my own poop said, “You know the smells good? Olya.” “Thank you poop. Also, why are you so grey?”

Colin Jost: Thats— Thank you for the visual. That was great. Thank you.

Olya: Colin, can I tell you a secret? I have met this Donald Trump before.

Colin Jost: You’ve met him before?

Olya: Yes. Yes. Every 10 year, he comes to my village in the middle of the night to take a new wife. And last time Colin, it was down to me and Melania. I hear he picked her just because she had both ears. God, I am so jealous of her.

Colin Jost: You’re jealous of her? Why? Coz she’s rich now?

Olya: No. Because I see in her eyes that she is truly dead.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Olya Povlatsky, everyone.

Olya: One day. One day.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There’s an inspirational video that’s gone viral called ‘It’s never too late’, which claims you’re never too old to follow your dreams. Here to comment is our own Leslie Joes.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Thank you, Colin. Great to be here.

Colin Jost: How are you feeling, Leslie?

Leslie Jones:  Oh, Oh, Colin. Oh . Man, I’m 48 and last month I tore my ACL playing a Ninja in a comic sketch. My whole life I wanted to be a Ninja, but my 48 year old knee was like, “Bitch, you is not a Ninja.” The only thing you do good in black pajamas is watched the chill. But the video made me realize that you can achieve your dreams at any age. Did you know that Harrison Ford at 30 was a carpenter? Vera Wang didn’t design her first dress until she was 40? Even Captain Crunch joined the Navy at 50. All I’m saying is that you youngs are just running around here trying to be somebody when you don’t even know who you are yet. You know what happened to Oprah at Leslie Jones3? She got fired. Imagine firing Oprah.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well that was a mistake.

Leslie Jones: No, it wasn’t because she wasn’t Oprah. She was just some Leslie Jones3 year old punk who needed to get fired, so she could become Oprah. Sometimes you got to fail to succeed. I did.

Colin Jost: Well, okay. What were you doing at Leslie Jones3?

Leslie Jones: Man, I don’t know. The first part of my twenties is like a sexual blur. Then I was fired from some temp jobs, UPS, but I’m glad I got fired. Lorne Michaels created SNL 41 years ago, but maybe if he had got fired like Oprah, he wouldn’t still be working the same damn job. Also, our generation is just much healthier now. You know, we’re the new old. My dad didn’t hydrate. He drank scotch. My dad didn’t exercise. He drank scotch. People will take care of themselves now. You know, we do politely. We got Jamie Lee Curtis keeping us regular. We you yoga.

Colin Jost: You do yoga? Well, namaste. And also, what’s your favorite position?

Leslie Jones: Downward facing Colin. I just wanna know where you’re staying, Jost.

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, eveyrone.

Weekend Update Jay Pharoah about Secret Rappers’ Meeting

Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Beyonce made an album called ‘Lemonade’, which highlights Jay-Z’s infidelities. It’s rumored that Jay-Z sought out marital device at a secret rappers meeting. Here to talk more about it is our own Jay Farrow.

[Jay Pharoah slides in]

Jay Pharoah: Wad up, Che?

Michael Che: So Jay, there’s a secret rappers meeting?

Jay Pharoah: Oh yeah, yeah. We meet up every three months in P Diddy’s above ground submarine.

Michael Che: Well, tell us what happened.

Jay Pharoah: Alright. Okay. So first Jay Z got right into to tell his side of the story. And he was like, [mimicking Jay-Z] “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. So definitely, you probably heard me and Beyonce are like beefing, right? Yo, I’m trying to sleep in and blues wine cellar. [laughing] What you want me to do? I’m sorry.” And then 50 cent  started laughing. He was like, [mimicking 50 cent] “Ha-ha-ha-ha, a little something. Hey Jay, maybe you need to apologize just a little bit. Trust me, I’m Google. Women. I’ve got Vivica Fox eat my butt. Ha-ha-ha-ha.”

Michael Che: [laughing] 50 cent did that?

Jay Pharoah: Yeah, man. and then TI says, [mimicking TI] “Ay-ay-ay-ay, now hold on partner.  Your Queen B has got to understand the impediment, hindrance and the obstacles of these pop tech in us circumstance.”

[mimicking DMX] “Yo! I don’t even know what TI said, you know? If it was a brother like me, somebody gotta ask your girl- what you really want from a –”

And Lil’ Wayne was like, [mimicking Lil’ Wayne] “It’s ways F baby, Beyonce is a bitch, and you need to patch it. I have. I have. Yeah. Yeah. Ah!”

Colin Jost: Hey, were there any rappers I like? Like, you know, Will Smith?

Jay Pharoah: Yup! [mimicking Will Smith] Damn! That’s crazy. Insane! [clears throat] Check it out Miami. Wo-hoo!”

Colin Jost: Yup. I got mine. Son of a gun.

Michael Che: You fool. Were there any women there?

Jay Pharoah: Oh yeah, man. Yeah. Nicki Minaj was there. She was like, [mimicking Nicki Minaj] “Oh my God. Like, you know, Meek would never cheat on me. If he does, [yelling] THEN I’LL KILL HIM!”

And then Drake was like, [mimicking Drake] “I mean like, Oh yeah. I mean. Yeah, I need a one dance. I mean like, can we all just get along and just like, relax and all that. You know?”

[Drake slides in]

Drake: Hold on. Wait. First of all, I don’t sound like that. So just relax.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Yeah, bro. You do sound like that.

Drake: No, I don’t sound like that. You can’t even do my voice.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Oh yeah. I can just do your voice.

Drake: You can’t do it.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] I’m doing it right now.

Drake: You don’t sound like me.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Oh yeah. Say, “Oh, yeah.”

Drake: Oh, yeah.

[they sound the same] [Michael Che laughing hard]

Michael Che: Jay Pharoah and Drake, ladies and gentlemen. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

[The End]

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of mountains at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials are warning hikers to stay away from a volcano in New Zealand saying there are signs it may erupt. Signs like, when locals heard the volcano whisper, “Oh, I’m so close.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a deer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York mayor Bill De Blasio has announced a plan to help reduce the deer population on Staten Island by giving the male deers vasectomies. Since Deere abortion is still illegal due to the landmark case of DOE V Wade.

[Picture changes to map picture of Oregon stage]

A man in Oregon who had collapsed in his house was saved after his local Domino’s Pizza became concerned he hadn’t called in his regular order and sent a driver to check on it. It’s all part of Domino’s new slogan, “You die when we say you die.”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a prison cell at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A prisoner in Colorado who was convicted of crack possession is demanding a DNA test claiming to be the biological son of Prince, or, and hear me out, he’s just a crack head.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: UFO enthusiast have declared that Hillary Clinton is the first ET candidate after she pledged to release government files on UFOs and area 5Colin Jost unfortunately the aliens keep all their files on a private email server. Sucks.

[Picture changes to a sign of Unisex Toilet]

Conservatives around the country have introducing bathroom bills which they say will prevent people from posing as transgender and sneaking into bathrooms to attack kids. So I guess their point is if you’re a pedophile and you were born a man, you’re not allowed to sneak into the women’s room and attack girls. You’ve got to stay in the men’s room and attack boys. I don’t understand why we have any bathroom laws anymore. Anyone could just walk into any bathroom at any time. If I’m at a Mexican restaurant, [Picture of two doors, one sayind ‘Damas’ and other saying Caballeros’.] I choose the wrong door 50%. My Spanish just isn’t that good. I think the real irony of this bathroom bill is that ‘Bathroom Bill’ sounds like the perfect name for a restaurant pervert. “Bathroom Bill in here peaking under the stall. Get out of here! And don’t just put on a wig and come back as Bathroom Jill.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a sculpture of kneeling Adolf Hitler at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mexican restaurants still have pictures. A sulpture of a kneeling. Adolf Hitler was sold at auction for more than $17 million. The statute depicts Hitler on his knees begging people to stop comparing him to Donald Trump. Fortunately, it was sold to a Jewish man who is about to have the greatest Snapchat of all time. [Picture changes to a Jewish man and the Adolf Hitler sculpture. The sculpture comes to his waist level and looks sexual.]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well it’s been one week since Trump became the presumptive nominee and so far so good. This week the Washington Post were released a recording of Donald Trump posing as a fake publicist named John Miller to brag about his business deals and a sexual conquest. Trump is denying that it’s him. Let’s listen to the tape.

[Cut to the subtitles. The recording is playing.]

Recording: He’s coming out to a, you know, a marriage and he’s starting to do tremendously well financially. He’s probably doing as well as anybody there is.”

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Come on! That’s Trump. Exhibit a use of the word ‘tremendously’. There’s only two times I’ve ever heard the word ‘tremendously’. From Donald Trump and from recordings of Donald Trump.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: John Miller is such a lazy first thought made up name too, but that’s like what Trump does. Everything he says just sounds like he’s on the speed round of Family Fued. Give us a fake name. Um, John Miller. Foreign policy? Build a wall. Megan Kelly? Oh, it’s bleeding. KKK? Pass. You know, if only there was a way but Trump to prove that John Miller is an actual person. Oh, I know. How about you show us John Miller’s birth certificate. Don’t you got a guy that can do that?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, if Donald Trump truly believes that’s not his voice on the phone, then I think we might have a fight club situation. I mean, I know his rallies are fight club, but I think John Miller might be his Tyler Durden, which also explains Trump’s confidence because every time he looks in the mirror, he sees Brad Pitt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’ s picture of Donald Trump and a lice at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new poll, 54% of Americans prefer lice to Donald Trump. Which is weird because lice already dropped out. [Picture changes to Ted Cruz] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: But this week, Donald Trump was officially endorsed by Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle. You know, the best guys and the smartest guys.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and democratic logo at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Hillary Clinton said that a number of Republicans who don’t support Donald Trump have been reaching out to her. She didn’t say which Republicans, but I bet I can name at least one off the top of my Jeb. [Picture changes to Jeb Bush.]

Office of the Speaker of the House

William… Drake

The Speaker… Taran Killam

Dick Patterson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with the Office of the Speaker of the House.]

William: Mr. speaker, how was your meeting with Donald Trump?

The Speaker: Well, it went very well, William, but between me and you, he still makes me very nervous.

William: Me too, sir.

The Speaker: Yeah, bud. It is mid-May. We don’t have time to find a third party candidate.

William: Actually, sir, I think I found the perfect guy. He’s a successful businessman.

The Speaker: That’s great.

William: He worked for Reagan in the 80s.

The Speaker: Oh, fantastic.

William: And he has the body of a baby.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, what was that last one?

William: Please meet Mr. Patterson, sir.

[Dick Patterson walks in. He is a full grown man who cannot control his body well like that of baby’s. He is moving his arms and legs everywhere.]

Dick Patterson: Hello. Don’t get up. I’ll come to you. There we go. Mr speaker, Dick Patterson. Pleased to meet you.

The Speaker: Pleasure is all mine. [Dick Patterson starts licking and sucking The Speaker’s hand] Oh, okay. William here was just telling me some wonderful things about you, Mr. Patterson. Uh, would you give us just one moment please?

[The Speaker walks to the corner with William]

William: Isn’t he great? I mean, he’s fresh faced. He’s experienced. The best of all, he’s young.

The Speaker: Yeah, exactly. How young is he? He’s 5The Speaker and nine months. And we’ve already done a thorough background check.

Dick Patterson: Oh, don’t worry. You won’t find any skeletons in my closet.

The Speaker: [reading Dick Patterson’s files] Alright, well let me take a look here.

[While Dick Patterson is reading the file, Dick Patterson cannot see his face covered by the file.]

Dick Patterson: Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is. He keeps disapp–

[Dick Patterson raises the file]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lower the file]

There he is. Found him.

The Speaker: Well, this all looks great. Now, Mr. Patterson. As you know, Donald Trump is technically our nominee, but uh, many people think we’d be better off putting a Turkey on the Supreme court.

[Dick Patterson laughs like a baby]

Dick Patterson: Very funny. Listen, I would be honored to represent this party. [Dick Patterson has his hands moving everywhere] I’m pro-life. I’m pro family and I’m pro guns. I’m actually carrying right now. [Dick Patterson shows a gun in his left hand which is moving everywhere. William and The Speaker are scared.]

The Speaker: Sit down. No, no, no, no, no.

Dick Patterson: Fair enough.

The Speaker: Now before this conversation can go any further, we’re going to need you to sign this confidentiality agreement.

Dick Patterson: Oh, sure. Yeah. Just put it on the floor.

[Dick Patterson lies down on the floor] [The Speaker puts the papers on the floor]

Alright. Let me take a look at this.

[Dick Patterson is looking at the paper]

Alright.

[Dick Patterson signs the papers very roughly]

All set.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, William. I just don’t know if this, we’ll call him man, is ready to be president.

William: Trust me sir. He’s committed. He’s passionate. He’s a hard worker. I mean, look how hard he’s working to get back onto his butt right now.

Dick Patterson: Look. I did it. [clapping for himself]

William: Speaker, I know we’re probably going to go with Trump, but Mr. Patterson would be an excellent backup. He’s tough. He’s prepared. And he’s, he’s, he’s taken off.

[Dick Patterson opens his pants. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Dick Patterson: Okay. There we go. That’s better.

William: Sir, sir, sir. You can just go ahead and put your pants back on if you will.

Dick Patterson: When I don’t want pants.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Mr. speaker. Sorry to interrupt. You have a two o’clock with Reince Priebus.

[Dick Patterson walks to Cecily]

Dick Patterson: Oh wow. Look at that hair.

[Dick Patterson starts pulling Cecily’s hair]

Cecily: Thank you.

Dick Patterson: Yeah. Really great hair. I love this.

[Cecily is in pain]

Cecily: Thank you so much.

[Cecily gets Dick Patterson’s hands off her hair]

Wow. Quite a grip you’ve got there, Mr. Patterson.

[Cecily leaves]

William: He may have the body of a baby, but his hands are much bigger and stronger than Trump’s if I had to say.

The Speaker: Oh, William. Well, Mr. Patterson, I guess I just have one question left for you. Do you actually want to be president? Think really hard about it.

Dick Patterson: Hmm. [thinking] Yes I do.

William: Alright, you’re our best option, so bring it in.

[William hugs Dick Patterson. Dick Patterson starts kissing William’s face]

Oh, that’s not what we– Oh, okay. I just asked for a hug, but this is fine too. He must be hungry and he’s trying to latch onto me.

The Speaker: [frustrated] It was great meeting you, Mr. Patterson. Enjoy your lunch.

Dick Patterson: I’m gonna eat peas.

[Dick Patterson crawls out] [The End]

Donald Trump’s Vice President Cold Open

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ivanka Trump… Vanessa

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Donald Trump speaking on the phone in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: No, it’s true. I’m telling you. Mr. Trump is the real life inspiration for Ironman. Who am I? I’m his publicist, Joey Pepperoni. No, I’m not Donald Trump in disguise. This is just what classing people sound like. Okay.

[Ivanka Trump walks in]

Ivanka: Dad, Chris Christie is here. He sort of wants to discuss potential vice-presidents. Uh, he’s sort of been waiting downstairs for two hours.

Donald Trump: Fine. Send him in.

[Chris Christie walks in]

Chris Christie: Hey, is that Joey pepperoni I see? Seriously though. Donald, I’m honored that you asked me to help you find your next VP.

Donald Trump: I appreciate your help. I really do. I need someone experienced, loyal, strong.

Chris Christie: Yeah. That sounds like somebody I know. It sounds like Chris Christie. Wait, who said that? Did you hear that? Why did that come from?

Donald Trump: Whatever? What have you got for me?

Chris Christie: Uh, well I thought one strong option could be a Jeb Bush.

[Donald Trump and Chris Christie laughing hard]

Okay, but seriously, what about Carly Fiorina?

Donald Trump: I do feel a kinship with Carly. She’s also an outsider who ran a very unsuccessful business.

Chris Christie: She can help you with your woman problem too. I mean, women look up to her.

Donald Trump: For what? She’s a big cup, tops.

Chris Christie: [laughing] That is very good. I wish I could work for someone as funny as you have some day. [giggling] Okay. Moving on. How about a guy from a swing state, Florida? He’s a half Hispanic with a proven track record of standing up for himself.

Donald Trump: George Zimmerman.

Chris Christie: No, no, no, no, no, no. Marco Rubio.

Donald Trump: Oh, little Martha. I can’t ask him to be VP until his parents signed the release form. I need someone who can lead. Where do I find that?

Chris Christie: It beats me. [showing his own photo] Oh my God. How did this get in here? Now, that is crazy. Look at that. Maybe. Yes, maybe. No, maybe. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now this next one, it’s a little outside the box, but I feel very strongly about it. Hear me out. Bruce Springsteen. I mean, come on! He’s the boss. You’re the boss. He was born to run.

Donald Trump: He is a Democrat.

Chris Christie: [yelling He is a god. I’m sorry. Do you have any idea, sir?

Donald Trump: What about John Kasich? He’s smart, experienced. He can help us in Ohio.

Chris Christie: He said he’s not interested.

Donald Trump: He’s a loser. Big fat loser. What about Nikki Haley?

Chris Christie: Also interested.

Donald Trump: Ted Cruz?

Chris Christie: Hard no.

Donald Trump: Paul Ryan?

Chris Christie: He said, not right now, but he will see you in hell.

Donald Trump: Lindsey Graham.

Chris Christie: He said he would love to, but then he laughed so hard that I had to walk away.

Donald Trump: It doesn’t make any sense. Why doesn’t anyone want to be my VP?

Chris Christie: If I may be so bold, sir? I think anyone who didn’t want to be your VP would be a damn fool. [music playing] You are such a special candidate. Maybe, just maybe, the person you’ve been looking for this whole time standing in this room right now.

Donald Trump: You are so right. Ben Carson, you want to be vice president?

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Oh, that would be hell exciting.

Donald Trump: Great. Let’s do it.

All: And live from New York it’s Saturday Night.

[The End]

Dennis Walls and the Cookies

Charlice… Leslie Jones

Donald… Kyle Mooney

Dennis Walls… Drake

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with PBS video bumper]

You are watching PBS.

[Cut to Charlice]

Charlice: Here on PBS, we rely on generous donations from our viewers to bring you great, classic shows like this one. 1978 ‘Sexy kind of evening’ with Dennis Walls and the Cookies. Ooh. Charlice, that’s one of my favorites. Mine too, Ronald.

[Donald comes out from Charlice’s behind]

Donald: Charlice, you’re standing right in front of me. Also, saying all my lines.

Charlice: Oh, I’m sorry Donald. You know, you gotta jump in there, baby. Go ahead and say your line.

Donald: Let’s–

Charlice: [interrupting] Let’s walk to show Charlice.

[Cut to ‘Sexy Kind of Evening’ intro]

Male voice: It’s ‘Sexy kind of evening’ with RnB legend Dennis Walls.

[Cut to Dennis Walls. There are two women ‘cookies’ behind him.]

Dennis Walls: How sexy does everybody feel tonight? Very sexy? Thought so. I’m Dennis Walls and these are my backup signature cookies. And I’ve got to know, how my cookies is doing tonight?

Cecily: Oh, us cookies are hot.

Kate: And sweet.

Cecily and Kate: And then we will spoil your appetite.

Dennis Walls: Umm. Umm. Standing up here with my sexy cookies makes me feel like my birthday came early this year, but I never come early. Right cookies?

Kate: That’s nasty.

Cecily: How come is it nasty?

Kate: Look cookie. She’s the dumb one.

Cecily: But I own it, don’t I?

Dennis Walls: Now, come on cookies. Let’s go get comfortable and start off sexy show.

[Dennis Walls, Cecily and Kate walk to their set]

Hey, why is this stool so small? Why would somebody give me a foot stool?

Cecily: Maybe the director’s still mad at you for forgetting his name.

Dennis Walls: Oh man. I got nothing but respect for Sid.

Kate: His name is Tom.

Dennis Walls: Well, should I throw a fit?

Kate: No baby. That’s not your style.

Cecily: I know what will make it better. Letting that deep sexy baritone voice out from under that mustache cave.

Dennis Walls: Oh, I like the way my cookies think. Hand me my mic.

[Dennis Walls gets a mic] [singing] Shake off your body

[When he sings on the mic, his voice sounds like baby’s.]

Oh, something’s wrong here. I sound funny. There’s something wrong with the mic.

Cecily: Yeah, baby. Something’s wrong with your mic. You sound like a little chipmunk.

Kate: Or a little bug cartoon.

Dennis Walls: I think I have no choice but to throw my fist, cookies.

Cecily: Oh, don’t go there baby. It will ruin your groove.

Dennis Walls: Oh, alright man. Let’s just finish the song.

[singing] Fly your…

Listen. I’m not gonna use this mic anymore. I can’t ruin my brand.

Kate: Hey, Dennis. What’s behind that big silver curtain over there?

Dennis Walls: [laughing] I bet it’s my big sexy saxophone so I can play ya’ll big sexy sexophone solo.

Kate: Sounds like it could be a big….

Cecily: And sexophone.

Dennis Walls: Well, why don’t I unzip these curtains and I’ll show you just how big it is.

Kate: Oh. That’s nasty again.

Cecily: How come is this nasty also?

[The curtain opens and a stool slides in. There’s a tiny saxophone on the stool that’s the size of a key-ring.]

Dennis Walls: Well, I mean, what happened here? This looks like a little fashion doll saxophone.

Kate: Well, now did you specify a regular size saxophone or did you say Barbara doll size?

Dennis Walls: Now girl, why would I ask for Barbara doll size saxophone? Where’s the logic in this?

Cecily: Ooh, and it’s on a normal size stool. That’s the one you were supposed to sit on earlier. Maybe just try playing it, baby.

[Dennis Walls blows on the tiny saxophone. It sounds like a whistle.]

Dennis Walls: I don’t understand this. We had Kate0 production meetings about what was going to happen here tonight. What is wrong with you, Sydney?

Cecily and Kate: Tod!

Dennis Walls: Forget it. Let’s just not let any of this ruin off our sexy sounds together. Okay, cookies. How about we just move over here to the circular bed and we get sexy for real. [Cecily and Kate walk to the bed] After you.

[Cecily jumps to the bed and the bed starts revolving]

Cecily: Oh, I think we’re moving, Dennis.

Dennis Walls: You know I love me a little motion in ocean, girls. I love it. Alright.

[singing] Let me love you girls
then I can take my time
loving you

Cecily and Kate: So you’re gonna do just to you
Dennis Walls: Yeah, that’s right. Yeah.

I’ll do me real quick
then roll over to you.

[The bed is rotating too fast]

Hang on now. Hold on a second. Is this bed speeding up?

Cecily: Yes, seems like it to me.

Kate: I’m getting scared.

Dennis Walls: Why are we going this fast?

[Cecily falls down]

Hey, sexy?

Kate: Where is she? I cannot get a grip on this.

[Kate falls down too.]

Dennis Walls: Y’all not listening to me.

[Dennis Walls falls down too.]

Male voice: This has been a very sexy evening with Dennis Walls and the Cookies.

[The End]

Car Rental

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Malcom… Drake

Duan… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Vanessa and Beck entering the car rental]

Vanessa: Honey, there’s no line.

Beck: Amazing. Babe, I can’t wait to Gasper rental and spend our honeymoon driving down route one.

Vanessa: Oh, it’s going to be so beautiful.

[Malcolm speaking on the office phone]

Malcolm: Girl. What do you mean we break it up? Well, if you’d be responding to my texts on time, maybe I wouldn’t have gone home with her. I mean how was I supposed to know she was your twin. Y’all don’t even look alike. Call me when you start to get reasonable, man. Hah! Welcome to Premium. I’m Malcolm. This day is already off the rails. Did y’all hear any of that?

Vanessa: Um, a little bit.

Malcolm: Well, you know, a little bit goes a long way when you’re talking to an ice cold bitch. So… [laughing]

Beck: I see. Okay, well we have a reservation under Dale and Jeanine Robinson.

Vanessa: Oh, we should have a prepaid Ford Mustang convertible reserved. We’re on our honeymoon.

Malcolm: [laughing] Okay. Well, uh, look, there’s good news and there’s bad news. Uh, the bad news is we got no cars.

Beck: What?

Vanessa: What’s the good news?

Malcolm: You know, there really ain’t none. I mean, I figured you might have some for me. That’s what I was looking for.

Beck: This is ridiculous. Can you get your manager?

Malcolm: Oh, for real? So we bring it into that level now. All right partner, for you I’m gonna see what I could do. [Malcolm just looks at the manager’s door and turns back] Yeah, he ain’t available.

Vanessa: You just turned and faced the manager’s door.

Beck: Please get your manager.

Malcolm: If you say so. [Malcolm picks up the phone] Duan. I’ve got this couple up here making a stink man. I don’t know. It’s this beautiful bustin woman, but she with this done ass man right here. I don’t know what she’s doing with him. He must be packing some meat or something sugar.

Beck: Excuse me.

[Duan walks out of the manager’s room]

Duan: Hello, I’m Duan. Now what appears to be the problem?

Vanessa: My husband prepaid for a Ford Mustang convertible and we’re being told you have no cars.

Duan: Well, this is all unbeknownst to me. Malcom.

Malcolm: Huh?

Duan: Where are our cars?

Malcolm: Shoot. Oh man. I’m wrapped up in my own situation. You don’t. My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today and it said neither.

Duan: Ooh, Malcolm’s going through it. I’m gonna go take an early lunch.

[Duan turns around and starts walking away]

Beck: Excuse me. Can you just get us our car first?

Duan: No, I needs to eats my turner. All right. That is good for my hair and you know, I like to keep my hair on point. Look at me. I’m breautiful

Malcolm: Yeah. You know, Duan had the alopecia until he went to the hair club?

Duan: Don’t be telling my secrets.
Malcolm: I know bigger secrets in that.

Duan: Is that a threat?

Malcolm: I’m just saying you got plenty words to worry.

Duan: I know that’s right.

Vanessa: Where is our car?

Duan: Oh, did Malcolm not find it for you? Malcolm. Malcolm. Find them a car.

Malcolm: Ah! Look Duan there’s the zero cars in the computer, man.

Duan: Well, did you look out the window? I’m gonna go look out the window. [Duan walks to the window and looks outside] Looks like there’s a Vanessa99Beck, uh, Ford Tempo out there right now. Oh wait, that’s mine. Ooh, that looks really good from here. Shoo. I need to start appreciating what I got.

Beck: Excuse me. My wife asked you about our car.

Duan: Sir. This whole situation is unbeknownst to me. Let me look in the hinder in the computer? Malcolm, move your ass. Let me get in your station.

[Duan pressed the buttons using his pen for several times]

Oh, let’s see. Okay. Oh, here’s something. Yes, there are absolutely no cars.

Vanessa: This is our honeymoon.

Malcolm: Man. Duan, you’re going to have to take this man? I didn’t have my fill of emotion today. Boy. My uncle tried to get me to sell his RV on Craigslist. You ever tried to do that? It’s next to impossible!

Vanessa: What are you talking about?

Beck: You upset my wife.

Duan: Oh baby. Honey, this whole situation is unbeknownst to me. So I’ma tell you what I’m going to do. I will give you the keys to my Ford Tempo. And how about this for a deal? I’m going to charge you the full normal rate for 2015 Mustang convertible?

Beck: What? No.

Duan: All right. That’s fair. I guess that would make in the sense. How about this? You take my Tempo. You drop me off in my show tonight. You take some publicity shots of me on stage from my blurb. You do your little road trip and then you return the car whenever. Just fill up the tank. That’s all I ask. Here. [gives Beck the keys]

Beck: Fine! Whatever.

Duan: Happy honeymoon.

Malcolm: Happy honeymoon.