Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Stepmom

Micahel Che

Stepmom… Amy Schumer

[Starts with Micahel Che in his news set. There’s a picture Rudy Giuliani at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Exactly two days after Rudy Giuliani left the law firm of Greenbert–

[A woman sneaks in and whispers. She is Micahel Che’s stepmom.]

Stepmom: I don’t want to interrupt. [cheers and applause]

Micahel Che: Mom, what are you?

[Stepmom gives Micahel Che a file of medicine]

Stepmom: I’m so sorry. I’m not even here. Don’t even look at me.

[Stepmom tries to walk away but Micahel Che holds her there.]

Micahel Che: This is not. Look, thanks.

[Stepmom takes the file of medicine and takes one tablet out.]

Stepmom: Pop it out. Pop it out later if it–

Micahel Che: Thanks.

Stepmom: I just thought you might need a claritin coz you’re getting a little froggy.

Micahel Che: Guys, this is my stepmother. Everybody.

Stepmom: Hey, guys. I have to say, I think you meant to say world’s proudest step mom. [pointing at her shirt. She has printed baby picture of Micahel Che and it has written “Proudest Step Mom” on it.] Did you mean to say that? Did you mean to say that?

Micahel Che: Yeah. I guess I did.

Stepmom: See this old guy? You remember him? Now, you may not have grown in my tummy, but I loved putting you right around my tummy. I love that so much.

Micahel Che: You want a chair?

Stepmom: No.

Micahel Che: Can we get a chair?

Stepmom: No, I’m not gonna use it. What am I gonna sit down next to you? That would be crazy. [Stepmom takes the seat] I can’t do that. What kind of show would it be? [Stepmom holds Micahel Che’s shoulder] Where did these shoulders come from? Just keep going. You were doing a joke about Judy. Judy Rudiani. And I don’t know who she is but I can’t wait to laugh.

Micahel Che: Alright, yeah. I’ll try the joke. [Rudy Giuliani’s picture appears at top right corner. The picture covers Stepmom’s face.] This week, Rudy Giuliani resigned… [Stepmom has already started laughing] from the law firm…

Stepmom: [Stepmom acting like her body is Rudy Giuliani’s body below the picture.]Oh, I have my different head. How did you do that? How did you do that?

Micahel Che: You did it. I didn’t even say the joke.

Stepmom: Everything you say is just– Oh, I’m in stitches. In stitches all the time.

Micahel Che: Umm.

Stepmom: You’re just very funny. Colin, were we cracking up or what?

[Colin Jost is nodding his head yes]

Look at Colin. Look at him cracking up.

Colin Jost: Yeah, no. It’s–

Stepmom: He’s like, “What?”

Colin Jost: Yeah. It was very funny joke, Michael. I loved that joke.

Stepmom: See? I told you. He thinks you’re so much funnier.

Micahel Che: Don’t. Mom, law firm was just a set up. It wasn’t the actual joke.

Stepmom: Well, I say law firm. Firm, you rascal, right? I’d say what? I always knew what you were doing in your room but I never wanted to intrude coz I respect you. Loo, you know what? [Stepmom rubs Micahel Che’s cheek] You’ve got something, what is on your face? [Stepmom kisses on his cheek] It’s me! It’s me!

Micahel Che: Yup.

Stepmom: Right? Right there. Ooh. [kisses her own hands.] I can’t help it. Delicious.

Micahel Che: Yup.

Stepmom: Okay. They want more. I’m not even here. You gotta meeting out of your palm like you got it full of cheese. Fist full of cheese. So you just go ahead and–

Micahel Che: I’ll try the next one.

Stepmom: Oh, do it. Do it. You can do it.

Micahel Che: Okay, mom. [A picture of Monica Lewinsky appears on right top corner. The picture covers Stepmom’s face again.]Town&Country magazine apologized to–

Stepmom: [starts laughing] Oh my god. You know what?

Micahel Che: No.

Stepmom: No? Neither do I. That’s what so amazing. Oh, my god. Sometimes I just look at that face and I go, “I love every bit about it.” Everything about it. Colin, did you know– this was probably relevant to what you guys are talking about. In the third grade, Michael read a poem about horseshoe crabs. And there was not a.. what?

Micahel Che: Dry eye in the room.

Stepmom: Dry eye in the room. In the room. And I’m– maybe– I don’t wanna do that but all I’m saying is horseshoe crabs have very limited lifespan. And I know that because of you. Very limited lifespans.

Micahel Che: Okay. We really do need to get on with this.

Stepmom: Okay. Well, you better. You know Colin, when Michael was little, did you know that he had very juicy little buns. [Colin Jost is listening to her like he is very interested] And they’re still juicy. But I can’t– They’re different now. And you also– you know. You also, I’m sure, have very juicy buns. I’ve seen you in bike shorts and it kind of looked terrific.

Micahel Che: Mom!

Colin Jost: Well, thank you. That actually means a lot to me.

Stepmom: Aw.

Micahel Che: Mom, I have an idea. I have an idea. How about–

Stepmom: It’s gonna be funny.

Micahel Che: — you read a joke.

Stepmom: No. I can’t do that.

Micahel Che: Yeah. Oh, please do. [audience cheering] I think they wanna hear it. Yeah. [pointing at cue cards] You just read that part right there.

Stepmom: Okay. You know what? I just have to without my cheaters. I can’t really. Let me just see what I can.

Micahel Che: I’m sure he’ll bring the card closer if–

[Stepmom slides away, out and in front of the news table.]

Stepmom: No, I don’t wanna trouble anybody. Let me just see. That is still not. Let me just–

Micahel Che: No, well. I don’t think you have to do ll that.

[Stepmom stands and walks towards the camera]

Stepmom: You know what? If I–

Micahel Che: Yeah, not you’re pretty close now. Okay.

Stepmom: It says here ‘Come into focus.’ I got it.

[Stepmom is too close to the camera. Her face covers everything behind her.]

Okay. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day to the best– oh boy. To the best stepmom in the world. Oh, boy. Did you write that for me?

Micahel Che: Yeah, I did.

Stepmom: [crying] That’s wonderful. That’s so wonderful.

Micahel Che: My stepmom, everybody.

[Stepmom walks out] [cheers and applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Bailey Gismert on Summer Movies

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Well, it’s May, which means it’s time for Summer Blockbusters. Here to talk about the movie she’s most looking forward to is teen movie critic and star of her own YouTube channel “Bailey At The Movies”, please welcome Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey Gismert slides in. She looks very shy.] [cheers and applause]

Bailey Gismert: What’s up?

Michael Che: So, I saw in our channel, you got a preview of a lot of summer movies.

Bailey Gismert: [blushing] So, you watched me? Okay, awkward. Sorry. I mean, yeah. So, I get to see movies early coz I guess movie people think I’m like, an influencer or whatever. I don’t know. I can’t say it.

Michael Che: Well, you know, I’m really excited for the new Jurassic Park movie. What did you think of that one?

Bailey Gismert: Um, I guess I thought the new Jurassic Park was fake. Okay, so, all of a sudden dinosaurs are like, back? That would never happen. Like, Jurassic Park, I see you. You’re fake.

Michael Che: Well, it’s science fiction, Bailey.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, I guess I’ll just shut up.

Michael Che: No, no. Bailey. Come on, let’s talk about another movie you saw.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, well, I saw “Avengers Infinity War” and it was fake too. But, I mean, it was also like, pretty tight. Like, for being super fake it was like, pretty real.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, who was your favorite avengers character?

Bailey Gismert: I guess, Thanos was pretty cool.

Michael Che: Really? You mean, like the bad guy?

Bailey Gismert: Or he’s just like, different.

Michael Che: Wait, do you like Thanos?

Bailey Gismert: [blushing] Stop. Stop. Why? Do you know him? [Michael Che smiles] Don’t! Do not text him. Don’t! Don’t Michael, don’t. I’m serious. Don’t text him.

Michael Che: I’m not going to text Thanos.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, good. Because I don’t like Thanos. Like, he’s cool. He’s strong. He’s got that. I don’t care. I just like, I like superheroes coz I’m in the guy stuff. Coz I have brothers. So, I’m sorry I don’t like salads. I like burgers and wings. And I don’t like dolphins. I like sharks. Okay? That’s me. And if you like– If you text Thanos, it’s gonna be like, so bad.

Michael Che: I didn’t mean to get you worked up.

Bailey Gismert: [cracking voice] I’m not… [slowly covers her tears with her hair.] … not worked up. I just have like, so much on my plate. And I’m not trying to say that you guys don’t work hard. Coz I know on Saturdays, you do. But I can’t just check out. [sobbing] I have my finals and field day. And I’m dog sitting for my pastor. I think they didn’t pick my prom theme which was “Moulon Rouge” but it is not too sexual, it’s French.

Michael Che: Well, look, Bailey, you did a great job and I hope you have a great summer.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, Michael Che [speaks in French language]. Oh, my god. Okay. So, if you’re obsessed with me like he is, [pointing at Michael Che] like and subscribe below.

Michael Che: Bailey, this isn’t YouTube. This is live TV.

Bailey Gismert: Like the playoff? Yeah, I watch sports.

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody.

Bailey Gismert: Different heroes can be women. It doesn’t make sense.

Weekend Update on Vin Diesel Receiving Honorary Degree

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vin Diesel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. Diesel says he can’t wait to find out whether the degree is in Fahrenheit or Celsius.

[Picture changes to Best Buy logo]

Electronic store Best Buy has changed their logo in order to get more modern. The logo went from this to this. [Picture changes to amazon logo] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police arrested a legless woman in Florida who was wanted for skipping accord date. It’s a rare case of legless person skipping. [audience laughing] [Picture changes to Yale University]

I’m not above that joke at all. Police said Yale University interrogated a black graduate student after a white student reported her for sleeping in the common room. So, if you’re black and you go to Yale, stay woke. And I feel like the next time a scary white lady calls a cops on an innocent black person, we should get something, right? I don’t know, like, 50 bucks? Call it “The Meghan Tax.” That way when black people hear siren, we can be like, “Oh, cool. I’mma make rent.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Starbucks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The CEO of Starbucks said that no one would ever again be forced to buy an item before using one of their restrooms. At least that’s what the guys who cleans the Starbucks bathroom wrote in his suicide note.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a moose at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officers in Colorado are searching for the man who was reportedly harassing a moose by chasing it down the street. Said the man, “I like my girls thick.”

Weekend Update on Trump Securing Release of American Prisoners

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

You know, I got to admit, president Trump had a pretty good week. He helped secure the release of three American prisoners from North Korea and when he greeted them at the airport, he didn’t even say, “Wait, I thought they were Americans.” Trump bragged that him greeting the prisoners was probably the highest ever television ratings for three o’clock in the morning which is not true. The three AM ratings record was set on election night by liberals hoping they were being pranked.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and few news articles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I mean, sure. This has been a decent week for Donald Trump. The same way a decent date with R. Kelly is go home dry. Personally, I don’t like when Trump is this quiet. It’s like when I’m baby sitting my nephew and he is quiet for too long and I’m like, “Oh, no. He’s eating out that little box again.”

[Picture changes to Michael Cohen and AT&T logo.]

According to a report, Michael Cohen was paid $600,000 by AT&T to advise them on $85 billion merger. AT&T could not be reached for comment because they use AT&T.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Michael Cohen, AT&T logo, KAI logo and NOVARTIS logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s really funny to me that all these companies were paying Michael Cohen, this guy, for intelligence. He’s like if the word ‘Der’ became a person. This is true. Cohen named his Shell company “Essential Consultatns” which could not sound more fake. It’s like a place George Costanza would pretend to work at. [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Robert Mueller] Meanwhile, president Trump attacked the Russian investigation and insisted that obstruction of justice as “a made up phony crime.” Oh, the crime you’re accused of? That’s one’s made up? It’s funny when it comes to immigration, Trump is like, “The law is the law.” But when it comes to himself, he’s like, “Law’s aren’t real. They’re just stories we make up to scare poor people.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump announced that he would be withdrawing the US from the Iran nuclear deal. And look, I’m not gonna pretend I know anything about the Iran deal. But Trump is. And you know the only part of that deal Trump has read was the signature on the bottom that said, “Barack Obama.” That’s all he needed. Trump is undoing so much Obama’s work that Obama is going to start fading away in pictures like “Back To The Future.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Rudy Giuliani has resigned from his law firm to be president Trump’s attorney full time. His first task will be to undo all the damage he did working part time.

[Picture changes to Jeff Sessions.]

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that undocumented parents entering the US would be separated from their children. Unless they can guess that is real name is Rumpelstiltskin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Melania Trump speaking at a podium.]

Michael Che: First Lady Melania Trump or as I’ve been calling her sexy ass Michael Jackson launched a campaign to stop cyber bullying called “Be Best” as in, “It would be best if you got a divorce.”

The Day You Were Born

Amy Schumer

Mikey Day

[Starts with Amy sleeping in her bed. Mikey peeks in from the door.]

Mikey: Good morning, honey. I’m sorry I didn’t make you breakfast. But our son did.

[A little boy walks in with a breakfast for Amy]

Amy: Oh.

Boy: Happy mother’s day, mommy.

Amy: Oh, honey. This is so great. You’re the sweetest. Thank you, sweetheart.

Mikey: I helped a little bit on the eggs, but he did the toast all by himself.

Amy: Well, [takes a bite] this is the best toast I’ve ever had.

Boy: Really?

Amy: Yes. Really. I am so lucky to be your mommy. The day you were born was the best day of my life.

Boy: What was it like?

Amy: The day you were born? It was amazing.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]

Doctor: Okay. Only a few more centimeters and you’ll be ready, okay?

Amy: How much bigger can a hole get?

Doctor: Just breathe.

Amy: Oh my [bleep]. My vagina hurts.

[Cut to Amy in her house with her son]

Boy: Were you scared, mommy?

Amy: Oh, no. I was excited. I had a big smile on my face the whole time. [turns to Mikey] Didn’t I?

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour.]

Doctor: Guys, we’re gonna have to perform a episiotomy.

Amy: [screaming] No, no! Don’t cut my vulva.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: Daddy, were you scared?

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Mikey: Why does it look like that?

Amy: You are not a man!

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Mikey: No, bud. Daddies don’t get scared.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Mikey: I’m not ready.

Amy: You are not a man.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: Then what happened?

Amy: The nice doctor came in and told us it was time.

[Cut to 3 walking in the room at the hospital]

3: So, I think we’re–

Amy: [yelling] Where have you been, you stupid whore!

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: And then, she told me to give one little push.

[Cut to Amy screaming in the hospital during her labour and Mikey is looking at her.]

Doctor: He’s crowning. One more push.

[farting sound]

Amy: Ah! Am I pooping? Am I?

Mikey: No. No, baby, no.

[Doctor is nodding her head yes.]

It’s okay.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: Then one little push, then you were born. And you were the most beautiful baby in the whole world.

[Cut to the hospital room. A nurse takes the baby away to clean him.]

Mikey: Wait, why does he look like that? Why is he yellow? Is that normal?

Amy: Why is he so ugly?

[Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Amy: And that’s what happened on the best day of my life. And you know what else? [Amy is getting peed on by her son] Everyday since then has been better than the day before.

[Amy is sleeping on a couch. The room is all messy. Mikey walks in.]

Mikey: Babe, where’s my hockey stuff?

Amy: That’s in the hall closet.

[baby crying]

Mikey: He woke up, by the way. [Mikey walks away] Can I get a drink after?

[Amy is sobbing being exhausted] [Cut to Amy and Mikey in house with her son]

Boy: I love you, mommy.

Amy: Oh, I love you too, honey.

Boy: Mommy.

Amy: Yeah.

Boy: I had an accident last night.

Amy: Oh, well, I’m sure daddy cleaned it up.

Boy: No, I wanted you to clean it.

[Cut to a video message: To all the moms in the world, thanks for pretending it was easy.]

Mother’s Day Cold Open

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: And now, a special Mother’s Day message from the cast of SNL.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy: Hello. Hi. I am Aidy Bryant and this is my mom Georganne. [Georganne walks in] Now, you know, normally we open the show with political sketch which can sometimes be divisive. But since tomorrow is Mother’s Day, we’re gonna focus on the one thing we can all celebrate together. Moms. Mom, I’m so happy you’re here with me and thank you for all the love and support.

Georganne: Well, I’m so proud you’re on SNL.

Aidy: I know. And you’re here now.

Georganne: I know. And I can’t wait to rip it up at the after party.

Aidy: Oh! Okay, wow!

[Cut to Kenan Thompson with his mom]

Kenan: Everybody, this is my sweet little mommy, Ann. Mom, without your help, I would have never made it to SNL.

Ann: Kenan, I can’t imagine this show without you. Like, I actually can’t remember when you weren’t on it.

Kenan: Oh, nice. Good one. Good one. But, you like the show, right mom?

Ann: I do. Except for all the political stuff. I get it.

Kenan: Alright. Thank you very much.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor with her mom]

Melissa: This is my mom, Rupy. I love you, mom.

Rupy: I love you too. And can I tell you a secret?

Melissa: Yeah.

Rupy: [foreign language: “If you’re not in a sketch, I don’t watch it.]

Melissa: Oh. Thanks, mom.

[Cut to Mikey Day with his mom]

Mikey: This is my mom, Sylvia. Mom, did you ever think that I’d be on SNL some day?

Sylvia: No.

Mikey: Awesome. Or, remember I was in that production of “The Crucible” in high school?

Sylvia: Oh, right! Yes. You know, “The Crucible” was a lot like witch hunt against president Trump.

Mikey: Okay. Don’t love that. Let’s go.

[Cut to Luke Null with his mother.]

Luke: This is my mom, Cindy. Mom, I love you because you always give me the best advice.

Cindy: Thanks, Luke. Here’s some more. Enough with the Trump jokes.

Luke: Yes. Mom, I don’t write those.

Cindy: And why doesn’t SNL ever talk about crooked Hillary?

Luke: Mom, I’m so new here. Please do not do this to me.

[Cut to Chris Redd with his mom.]

Chris: Yeah, ma, I’m also. I’m new and black, so be cool.

Chris’s mom: I don’t understand why everyone focuses on Trump at all. When you should be focused on Jesus.

Chris: Okay. Well, Jesus isn’t president, ma.

Chris’s mom: And that’s the problem.

Chris: Okay. Come on.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney with his mom.]

Kyle: This is my mom, Linda. [cheers and applause]

Linda: I think all the political stuff gets old. I like the sketches that everyone can laugh at.

Kyle: You mean, like, my stuff.

Linda: Oh, no. No. Your stuff is crazy. I meant like, Kenan sketches.

Kyle: Very helpful. Thank you, mom.

[Cut to Colin Jost with his mom]

Colin: This is my mom, Kerry. Mom, you like politics on the show, right?

Kerry: I think Alec Baldwin does a great Trump impression. But why does it have to be so mean? Who writes those stuff?

Colin: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess it’s mostly Michael Che.

[Cut to Beck Bennett with his mom.]

Beck: This is my mom, Sarah. [audience cheering]

Sarah: Beck, I love the show. But why are there so many talk shows and game shows?

Beck: Mom?

Sarah: And why don’t you do Wayne’s World anymore? That was funny.

Beck: I know, right? Let’s go find Lorn.

[Cut to Pete Davidson with his mom]

Pete: This is my mom, Amy.

Amy: I’m so proud of you, Pete. I just don’t like it when you do all those penis jokes.

Pete: Well, not tonight, mom. Because mother’s day is all about vaginas.

Amy: My god!

[Cut to everybody in the SNL stage]

Kenan: We just wanna say Happy Mother’s Day from all of us at SNL.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Lil’ Rent

Sam Docman… Beck Bennett

Janet V. … Cecily Strong

Lowell Devins… Mikey Day

Shawn Tesler… Kyle Mooney

Nathan Benson

Amy Mary Weather Sherman… Amy Schumer

[Starts with “Wake Up Denver” video bumper] [Cut to Sam in his set]

Sam: Welcome back to “Wake Up Denver’s early bird hour.” I’m Sam Docman. Our field correspondent Janet V. is at the Youth Theater Works Playhouse in Downtown, Denver where a big show is in the works. [Cut to split screen with Sam and Janet] Janet, what’s going on?

Janet: Well, Sam, I’m here at rehearsal with some of Denver’s most talented young Thespians.

Sam: Oh! Thespians rhymes with lesbians. Haba haba.

Janet: I don’t like that. Take him off the split screen.

[Cut to Janet]

The cast in Denver Youth Theater Works Annual Spring Musical is hard at work in their new show. And there’s about 525,600 reasons to see “Lil’ Rent” which opens Thursday. I’m joined now by very busy director, Lowell Devins.

[Janet walks to Lowell]

Lowell: Oh, hi. Sorry. It is a mad house. Hello. We’re in the middle of hell week which is living up to it’s name.

Janet: Lowell, so tell us about the show.

Lowell: Oh, right. Um, “Lil’ Rent” is in a bridged family friendly version of the hit musical about New York city artist living through the HIV AIDS crisis of the late 80s.

Janet: And how does “Lil’ Rent” handle the intense HIV AIDS subject matter with the cast of children?

Lowell: Right. Um, in “Lil’ Rent,” HIV AIDS has changed to diabetes. And it really doesn’t change things at all.

Janet: Really? It’s just that in the original HIV AIDS, that’s what rent’s about. Characters die from it. So, how did you go about changing the original script?

Lowell: Well, I used the ‘Find and Replace’ feature in Microsoft Word and replaced HIV AIDS with diabetes.

Janet: Okay.

Lowell: And I honestly think it’s more powerful this way. You’re gonna love it.

Janet: I don’t know about that. But let’s meet some of the cast here.

[Shawn and Nathan  joins them. Nathan  is a small boy wearing a leather jacket and has a guitar.]

Lowell: Oh, yes. [pointing at Shawn] This is the brilliant Shawn Tesler who plays Mark. [pointing at Nathan ] And you may have seen him in last falls, Lil’ Equis. It is Nathan Benson who plays Rogers.

Janet: Goodness. Oh, okay. I understand you’re gonna be doing a little scene for us?

Shawn: Um, yes, ma’am. This is a scene from act one where my character is singing about his friend Roger who is diabetes positive. And in the late 80s when the show takes place, diabetes was this new sexually transmitted disease that people didn’t know lot about. it was acary.

Nathan : Yeah. Back then, diabetes was basically a death sentence.

Lowell: Yes.

Janet: Well, it wasn’t. But go ahead.

[Janet and Lowell walk out. Lights turn blue and Shawn and Nathan  start performing.]

Shawn: They say diabetes is a gay disease. But Roger got diabetes having sex with his girlfriend. [pointing at Nathan ] [Nathan  starts playing guitar] [singing] Close on Roger, whose girlfriend left him a note saying
“We’ve got diabetes,” before slitting her wrist in the bathroom

Take your insulin, Roger!

[Lowell jumps in]

Lowell: And scene. Very powerful, boys. Ooh!

[Janet walks in. Shawn and Nathan  walk out.]

Janet: Okay, well, let’s meet more of the cast.

Lowell: Yes. [they walk to Amy] This is Amy Mary Weather Sherman, another rising star. She’s incredibly talented and fiercely conservative.

Amy: Yeah, hello. My name is Amy Mary Weather Sherman. [showing seven fingers]  And I am this many years old. My favorite political party is the republicans. And my favorite book is “Liar and Cheat”, how Obama killed the middle class. And also “Amelia Be Dealia Goes Camping.”

Janet: Okay, wow. Lot to take in there. Who are you playing?

Amy: Well, ma’am, I play Mimi Vasquez. She’s a Puerto Rican stripper, a heroin addict, who got diabetes by sharing an infected heroin needle.

Lowell: Alright, remember, we say dancer. Not stripper.

Amy: But she takes her clothes off.

Lowell: Okay. Tell em’ about your Spanish.

Amy: Oh, yes. Okay, so, ma’am, I learned some Spanish play maybe because she only speaks Spanish and I always speak white. But the way you say diabetes in Spanish is diabetos!

Janet: Alright. Well, how about we get to that song?

Lowell: Yes. Amy will be performing an excerpt from her big solo, “Out Tonight.”

[Janet and Lowell walk out]

Amy: This song is about my character is horny and she wants go find somebody have sex with.

[music playing] [singing] Let’s go, aiii, yiiiii, today,
I’m a Puerto Rican stripper
where I wanna go
aiii, yiiiii, today

[Lowell jumps in]

Lowell: And scene. Thank you Amy. [pointing at the camera] You wanna see the rest, you have to buy a ticket.

Amy: [chanting] Lock her up! Lock her up!

Lowell: No, don’t do that. Stop doing that. That’s for home. That’s for hom.

[Janet comes in]

Janet: Alright. You got a cast of talented kids here. “Lil’ Rent” opens Thursday and you can buy tickets online now for $175. My god!

Lowell: Do you think that’s too much?

Janet: Yeah. We’ll be right back.

Last Call with Amy Schumer

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Sue… Amy Schumer

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender asking his customers for their last orders.]

Bartender: Alright, last call ladies. You scared off all my male customers. So, it’s time to go home or try something new.

Sue: Mama always said, a mouth’s a mouth. Bartender, give me one more Slow Fin Gizz. That’s granity in a caviar.

Sheila: And I’ll take Monstat 7 and 7. I got places to be. [bangs the table] Ou!

Bartender: Alright. Well, just drink them and go. My children are unattended.

[Bartender serves them the drinks] [Sue and Sheila look at each other]

Sue: Oh!

Sheila: [raising her glass] Hey!

Sue: I thought the Kentucky Derby was last week. But looks like there’s one little nag still limping around the track.

Sheila: Why don’t you mount me and ride me in a victory before they turn me in the glue?

[Bartender spits out food that he’s eating] [to Sue] Ay, you mind if I move my poof a little closer? I’m sitting here on what I’m choosing to believe is dumb.

Sue: Sure. Let me just move my stool.

[Sue pulls away a cup of her stool sample and gives it to Bartender. Bartender is disgusted.]

There. I’m ready.

[Sheila sits closer to Sue]

Sheila: Alright.

Sue: Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? And can I assume you landed on your face?

Sheila: Oh, good one. Hey, was your mother a beaver? Coz, damn, you got a flat tail, furry face and smell like a lake.

Bartender: The crazy thing is I used to fantasize about something like this.

Sheila: My name’s Sheila Sauvage. You can remember that coz if you mix up all the letters, it’s spells ‘hole ass vag.’ What about you? What are they gonna write on your tombstone?

Sue: Other than RIP? Rancid in pants. I love the name Sue Seil. Which is weird because seal sued me for having to a look at my face.

Sheila: [bangs the table] Get out.

Sue: Yeah.

Sheila: Get out. Coz I saw seal at a club. Excuse me. I clubbed a seal with a saw. Yeah. Yeah. It didn’t work. He lived. But either way, I’m not welcome at any beach.

Bartender: Alexa, what do I do?

Alexa: Kill yourself.

[Sheila puts her hand on Sue’s shoulders]

Sheila: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you, I was like, “God, no!” And now I’m like, “God might as well. I can’t find my keys.”

Sue: And when I saw you earlier, I was like, “Should I do something? But then you got up off the floor and you seemed okay.”

Sheila: God, this is crazy. I can’t– Something’s happening here.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

Sheila: What do you say we go back to my place and make out?… A living will.

Sue: Heck! Let’s just do doggie style. That’s when I run away and you walk through the neighborhood screaming my name.

Sheila: Ooh!

[Bartender is wearing muffler, glasses and is holding a magic wand like harry Potter.]

Bartender: Expelio-lesbiosos!

Sheila: Alright, let’s do this.

Sue: Yeah.

[they both lean to kiss]

Sheila: Wait a minute. Wait. Better safe than sorry.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

[Sheila puts sanitizer in both their mouths.]

Sue and Sheila: Ready?

[Sue and Sheila kiss each other.] [Bartender is putting sanitizer in his eyes.]

Sue: Yikes! That was unrousing.

Sheila: Wow, yeah. I just pitched a cave. Here’s what. Since our poots are dry as bone, why don’t we get some moisture on our faces with these? And now, that way, we won’t have to look at each other’s rosacea.

[They both put beauty face masks on.]

This should be good.

Sue: One. Two. Three. Let’s hit.

[They start kissing again.]

Bartender: Well then, for me I guess there’s only one option left. Good thing I hid this thing from the Nazis.

[Bartender opens a box. Smoke is coming out of it. Bartender puts his face in the smoke. The smoke melts his face.]

Handmaids in the City

Alex Moffat

Of Fred… Amy Schumer

Of Warren… Kate McKinnon

Of John… Aidy Bryant

Of Gary… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “Handmaids in the City” intro]

Female voice: Let’s face it, ladies. In 2018, a handmaid’s tale is basically our “Sex and the City.” So, whether you’re Of Fred or Of Warren, you’ll love who lose all new spinoff show, “Handmaids in the City.”

[Cut to Of Fred having her meal. She is talking to Alex. He a guard with a taser in his hand. All women are wearing red robes and white bonnets.]

Of Fred: We’ve been sent good weather.

Alex: Praise be.

Female voice: As I waited for the girls in Downtown, Gillette, I was feeling like an uptown gal and I couldn’t help but wonder, “Are women allowed to do anything anymore?”

[Of John and Cecily walk in]

Of John: Under his eye.

Of Fred: Oh! Under his eye? What about under my eye? Look at these bags.

Cecily: Oh, stop it, Of Fred. You know it doesn’t matter what our faces look like,

Of Fred: As long as we’re fertile.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of John, how’s the new place?

Of John: Amazing. It’s rent controlled. John controls me. And I don’t pay rent.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: You’re bad.

Of Fred: Yeah, but not too bad. Otherwise you get [makes choking sound, gesturing her hand as hanging on a rope].

[ladies laughing] [Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: From the Executive Producer of “Sex and the City” and 80 year old author, Margaret Atwood, it’s a show critics are calling, “So brutal” and “More uplifting than the news.”

[Cut back to the ladies. Of Warren joins them.]

Of Warren: Sorry, I’m late.

Of John: Under his–

Of Warren: [interrupting] Ah! don’t. [She has swollen eye.]

Of John: Ooh.

Of Fred: Did you get a little work done?

Of Warren: Is it that obvious?

Of John: No. It looks good on you. You look younger.

Of Warren: Well, this is what I get for reading a newspaper.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of Warren, something really is different about you.

Of Fred: I know. It’s that new manolo bonnet.

Cecily: No. No, that’s not it. You lost weight?

Of Warren: I gave birth. Does that count?

[ladies laughing] [Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll say, “Oh my god, this so could be me and my friends. You know, with the way things are going.”

[Cut back to the ladies]

Of John: Gals, guess what I did last night?

Of Fred: Are your rashan in silence and cried into your straw bed?

Of John: Yes. Classic me.

Of Warren: Well, I had sex with a married couple.

Of John: Ooh, so did I. Who would have guessed we’d be having three ways in our 30s?

Of Fred: Three way? How about a one way ticket out of here?

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: So, I’m seeing someone new.

Of Warren: Really?

Cecily: Yeah. I’m Of Gary now.

Of Fred: Bless it be the fruit.

Of John: Bless it be my fruit. I’m sweating under these robes.

[ladies laughing]

Of Warren: Oh! I hate to always talk about our guy problems. But my commanding officer Warren and I are having issues.

Of Fred: Of what? What’s wrong?

Of Warren: Argh! It’s his ex. His last handmaid hung herself and he’s just not over it.

Of Fred: So, you’re saying he’s ‘hung up’ on her?

[Alex tases Of Fred]

Of Fred thinking: As I was getting tased, I was shocked at my lack of rights in this new world but stunned at how amazing I look in red.

[Of Fred smiles as she gets tased.] [Cut to show outro]

Female voice: “Handmaids in the City.” If you’re not traumatized, you’re not watching TV.

Graduation Commercial

Amy Mitchell… Kate McKinnon

Oliver Klein… Kyle Mooney

Ashley Brandt… Aidy Bryant

Natt Jones… Chris Redd

Courtney King… Heidi Gardner

Debin Alma… Pete Davidson

[Starts with video clips of high school events]

Male voice: Summer is just around the corner. So, kick things off right with the most highly anticipated event in town. “James Madison High School Graduation.” It’s gonna be Hot as Hell. 100 grads, 400 family members. All in direct three plus hours. Grandpa might pass out. It all kicks off with class speaker Amy Mitchell who does not know how to work that mic.

[Amy walks to the podium and speaks. She is looking here and there and the mic isn’t catching everything she’s saying.]

Amy: Sometimes I wish [inaudible] and that I could stay at this school [inaudible].

Male voice: Followed by victorian Oliver Klein, the smartest kid in class giving the world’s saltiest speech.

[Oliver walks to the podium.]

Oliver: Some of us weren’t considered cool or popular. And girls didn’t notice me. But in few years, boy oh boy, things are gonna change. You’re gonna wish you have gotten with me. Congratulations to the class of 2018.

Male voice: Bitter much? Bad enough? I didn’t think so. Because it’s time for the main event. Handing out diplomas. All your favorites will be there. Like, grads with unfortunate names.

Principal: Witney Slickt.

[the girl makes sad face]

Male voice: And class radical Ashley Brandt who is making a confused political statement with her gown.

[Ashley walks to podium and holds the mic.]

Get your laws off my uterus. And save the honey bees!

Male voice: Pick a lane! And how about Natt Jones who has been telling every one he’s going to do a back handspring but then bails it the last minute?

[Natt is ready for the backflip but he doesn’t do it. Everyone is staring at him. He just walks out.]

And when visibly pregnant senior Courtney King takes the stage, watch that news hit the parents section like an atomic bomb.

[As Courtney walks to the front, the parents are shocked and are talking bout her.]

Who’s the father?

And just when you thought the fun was over, watch your principal confidently mispronounce the Indian kid’s last name.

Principal: Parswa– Parsajabadajubis.

Male voice: Butchered! And of course, everybody’s dabbing. Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab!

[Courtney King is walking]

Is it a boy or a girl? It’s a Dab!

And after the ceremony, it’s time for dads with iPads!  [All the old men are taking their iPads out to take pictures.] And lots of group pictures where no one knows which phone to look at. Plus, secrets will be revealed. Like, when you realize goth kid Debin Alma’s parent’s are like, normal? How did that happen?

And hey, look. There is a senior having drama with his girlfriend who’s a sophmore.

[Mikey is talking to his girlfriend]

Mikey: I don’t want to date college girls. Baby, we’re not gonna break up. Okay?

Male voice: Ha-ha. Yeah, they will. It will be a thing to remember. But the only thing everyone will actually remember is when the principal fell off the stage.

[Principal is speaking on the stage walking around]

Principal: Webster defines the term gradu–

[Principal falls down the stage]

Male voice: The James Madison High School Graduation. Your grandma flew in for this.