Weekend Update Ukraine Wins Eurovision 7000 NYC Rat Sightings Reported

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of “EuroVision” poster at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Hello, guys. This just in. The winner of this year’s EuroVision Song Contest is Kalush Orchestra, a group from Ukraine. And this is cool, if you combine every member of Kalush orchestra, you get Post Malone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picturer of a pink and green roller skate shoes with small heel on it at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that a new disco theme Roller Skating Rink will open this summer in Central Park. Another classic 70s trend returning to the park this summer? Stabbings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Barbie at let top corner.]

Colin Jost: Makers of Barbie have introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing aids. It teaches an important lesson – It doesn’t matter if you’re deaf as long as that body banging.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kevin Spacey will star in a historical drama about Genghis Khan’s grandson. Said Spacey, “You had me a grandson.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat and a New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York city officials say they have received over 7,000 rat sightings here in New York. So everybody, look under your seat!

[picture changes to a chimpanzee]

The Oklahoma city zoo announced that a 14 year old endangered chimpanzee named Nyaya is pregnant. Said the zoo’s janitor, “She told me she was 18!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mega Millions logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The wrong number was announced in this week’s $86 million Mega Millions jackpot drawing which is why I had to go into Lorne’s office and un-quit.

Weekend Update Field Correspondent Sarah Sherman Gives an SNL Studio Tour

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, we are nearing the end of the season and here to tell us what she learned and give us a tour backstage is Weekend Update field correspondent, Sarah Sherman.

[Cut to Sarah Sherman walking within the audience]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin. I’m gonna kick off the tour in our studio audience. It’s been a great show tonight with lots of great Weekend Update jokes from Michael Che specifically.

Colin Jost: Alright. Didn’t love the “specifically” there, Sarah, but Sure. Go ahead and take us backstage.

Sarah Sherman: God, so many legends have passed through these hallowed halls. Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of crew guys you think I’m an ugly little boy? And oh my god. How cool? Here we have my clothing rack. This is where they keep my size zero pants.

Colin Jost: Yeah, those actually look like children’s pants?

Sarah Sherman: Children’s pants, sort of your area of expertise.

Colin Jost: Please, let’s not do this, okay Sarah?

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that you should be quiet.

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. All right. Well, let’s just— Can we please just keep going with your backstage tour, okay?

Sarah Sherman: And what do we have here? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Colin Jost dressing room. Or as our female interns like to call it “the Chamber of Secrets”.

[Sarah Sherman walks inside Colin’s dressing room]

Colin Jost: Okay, no. Nobody calls it that. Sarah please do not go in there.

Sarah Sherman: Too late. Folks, the scene in here is abysmal. On this mirror, Colin has put up all of his humiliating daily affirmations. “You are funny.” “You are handsome.” “You are the real king of Staten Island.” And this one just says “Reminder: Dinner tonight with Giuliani.”

Colin Jost: Sara I did not write those.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my God, Colin, what are you obsessed with me? [showing a full wall of pictures of her behind her]

Colin Jost: Those are are not mine. Those are not mine either. You clearly put those in there.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, really? What’s all this then? [she tries to show something, but it falls down accidentally. She’s looking down for it, but she can’t find it.] Aww, the thing that I threw?

[Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that was the news you were going to show, but you don’t have it.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, and what do we have here folks? It’s Colin’s famous intern kid. [Sarah Sherman pulls out a cover and inside, there’s an intern inside a pet cage.] Hello. Looks like somebody messed up a Starbucks order. Hey buddy, for next time Colin, likes his coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee and just vodka.

Colin Jost: Sarah, I told you. You have to stop putting interns in cages in my dressing room.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, Colin, are you collecting my underwear? Wow, I cannot believe you’re the guy I’ve been selling these to.

Colin Jost: Alright, someone please just cut her feed off.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that we have breaking news from the Update desk from my correspondent and best friend, Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a poster of Colin Jost hushing Sarah at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Thanks, Sarah. This just in. Local panties sniffer Colin Jost wants to silence Sarah Sherman in his ongoing quest to tear down Jewish women? Back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: All right. Field correspondent, Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: Love you, Colin.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Sarah Sherman: And I’m Sarah.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Cryptocurrency Crashes Mitch McConnell Visits Ukraine

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a red moon and Calendar marked on 13th of May at left top corner.]

Well, if you feel like things are a little off this week, remember, yesterday was Friday the 13th. Tomorrow is a super Blood Moon. And according to the most annoying person you know, Mercury is in retrograde. Is it me or does every story this week sound like the opening voiceover in a Mad Max movie? “The year is 2022. A virus rages across the planet. Digital money has collapsed. Infants have nothing to eat. Women are forced to breed. Men are ready to die for gasoline. And we suffer under the leadership of the one known only as Joe.”

Crypto currency crashed this week with Bitcoin losing nearly half its value. And now it has to legally change its name to bit o’ coin. In fact, the entire crypto market has lost over a trillion dollars. But don’t worry, you can make that money back fast as long as you’ve been hoarding baby formula. [picture changes to empty stacks at supermarket.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an empty shelf at a supermarket at left top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, this baby formula shortage is scary. I mean, babies are very sensitive. You can’t just feed them anything. I once tried to give my little nephew something different than his usual formula and he nearly choked on that hot wing bone.

[Picture changes to the Capitol building]

The January 6 committee has subpoenaed five sitting Republican Congressman after they refuse to testify voluntarily. Say the Republican congressmen, “You can’t force us to do anything. We’re not pregnant.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here watching a shelter dog get passed up for adoption, led a congressional delegation for a surprise visit to Ukraine today. It’s weird because usually when McConnell shows up by surprise, it’s behind you in the bathroom mirror.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Amazon logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Amazon announced that it will pay employees who have to travel to get an abortion up to $4,000 in expenses every year. The only catch is you got to do it during the eight minute lunch break.

[picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

There is renewed speculation about Vladimir Putin’s health after he was photographed at a military parade with a heavy blanket Across his lap. But hear me out, maybe the blanket is because thinking about war gets him hard as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Trump hotel sold for reported $375 million” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Trump International Hotel in Washington DC has been sold for a reported $375 million. “Well, I wouldn’t say reported”, said the IRS.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Rock Star escapes as delivery worker”]

A member of the punk rock group Pussy Riot, which has long protested Vladimir Putin revealed that she fled the country disguised as a food delivery worker, which explains this notification from DoorDash.

[picture changes to a Doordash notification that says “Pussy is on the way!”] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of iPod touch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple announced that after 20 years, it will stop production of its iPod touch because Apple products become obsolete once they’re older than the kids who make them.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the game Wordle with the answer “Fetus” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York Times said it changed the answer for Monday’s Wordle, which was Fetus because it was too closely connected to a major news story. Tough news for psychos whose first word of guests is always “Fetus”.

Weekend Update Baby Yoda on His Spiritual Awakening

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With Disney+’s new Obi Wan Kenobi series on the way, it’s a great time to be a Star Wars fan. Here to catch us up on all things Star Wars is baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Baby Yoda: I love you, man. Che! What? Ooh!

Michael Che: What’s up, Baby Yoda? I love you too. How’s life? You got a new vibe.

Baby Yoda: Life is all good Michael. Real good. Season three, man no coming up, blah blah blah. Work, work, work. [making noise] Yeah, it is very enlightening time for me because actually, I’m spiritual now.

Michael Che: That’s right. You studied the ways of the Force, right?

Baby Yoda: Okay, relax nerd. You know when an Ayahuasca retreat is?

Michael Che: Yeah sure.

Baby Yoda: Yeah so, I basically did that with a bunch of pills and weed. And instead of a spiritual guide walking us through it, my boy Tom Holland got on the AUX cable, and I saw God, I was like, “Oh, snap!”

Michael Che: God. Well, it sounds like a great time. Just make sure you stay safe, man.

Baby Yoda: No, I don’t tell me what to do. But yeah, I’m feeling really peaceful these days. Getting into crystals, red sticks, spicy guacamole. Even got a little community going, very old mindful individuals. Yeah. So, me, Jared Leto, Santana featuring Rob Thomas, Bob the Builder and Tila Tequila.

Michael Che: Sounds like a good crew dude.

Baby Yoda: Yes, of course. But look, I love everyone man. Even my haters.

Michael Che: Really? Because you had some strong words for one hater in particular over the years.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, that’s true, but I’m older now. And I just want to say, baby Groot, I know we had our issues. But I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I really, really don’t like you. Next time I see you, I will chop you down like palm onion, sprinkle you on my blunt and smoke you while I’m in the hot tub with your girl. That being said, I love you. And I always got your back.

Michael Che: What?

Baby Yoda: Come on, man. I’m just a baby.

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody.

Three Daughters

Prince Andaman… Mikey Day

King… Kenan Thompson

Lucilia… Ego Nwodim

Regalia… Selena Gomez

Blondelia… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a story book opening]

Male voice: Once upon a time, a Prince journey to a faraway kingdom, and after bravely slaying the local dragon, won the chance to choose a princess or his bride.

[Cut to the prince visiting the king]

King: Oh, Prince Andaman. Welcome to our big cold castle in Europe.

Prince Andaman: It is an honor Your Highness.

King: Good job killing out dragon. No one asked you to, but thank you. You may now meet my daughters three and choose one to be your bride.

Prince Andaman: Yes, surely one of them will be more beautiful than the rest, or knowing my luck, one will be weird.

King: Bring out my daughter’s please.

[Three daughters walk in]

Prince Andaman: Hmm. Fair maidens. So cool to see.

King: Meet my first daughter, Lucilia.

Lucilia: It is an honor to stand before you, fair prince.

Prince Andaman: Wow. Okay, I love that.

King: My second daughter, Regalia.

Regalia: I know not what to say and yet I feel not frightened, prince.

Prince Andaman: Good, good. Make sense?

King: And my third daughter Blondelia.

Blondelia: Hello.

Prince Andaman: Okay, is that it?

Blondelia: Nice to meet you.

Prince Andaman: Right. Okay. Sure.

King: Is everything all right?

Prince Andaman: Yeah, I guess I just thought there’d be something messed up about her because there’s three of them and the third one is her.

King: I take great offense.

Prince Andaman: No, I’m sorry. It’s just usually like, one’s pretty, one smart and one has something like really wrong with them.

King: But you’ve only just met. Girls, tell the prince about your hobbies.

Lucilia: I, Lucilia, enjoy playing jolly tunes on the harpsichord.

Regalia: I love dancing and dancing around.

Blondelia: And me, I like harpsichord and I guess also dancing.

Prince Andaman: Okay. Is that why she’s weird? Because she copied her thing?

King: What are you on about?

Prince Andaman: I mean, it’s gotta be Blondelia, but I just can’t figure out why.

Blondelia: I like painting as well. Or archery. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what you want me to say.

King: Oh, I know. Tell him your favorite foods.

Lucilia: Little cakes.

Regalia: Strawberries.

Blondelia: Muffins.

Prince Andaman: All right. What, is she like obsessed with muffins?

Blondelia: I feel like people like muffins.

Prince Andaman: Okay, now I’m kind of getting pissed off.

King: Prince Edmund, what would you like to ask my daughters?

Prince Andaman: Okay, um, do a little dance as normal as you can.

[music playing. All the princesses dance lightly and nicely.]

Prince Andaman: All right. All regular hot dancing. Does one of you have like a weird laugh or something? What are your laughs?

[Regalia laughs weirdly]

Prince Andaman: Okay, is it her? Because that was awful.

[Lucilia laughs like a hunk man] [Blondelia laughs unnaturally]

Prince Andaman: Those were all bad.

King: Prince Andaman, you have to hurry. You must make your choice before the clock strikes midnight.

Prince Andaman: Ooh. Ooh, what happens at midnight?

King: It’s just too late.

Prince Andaman: I give up. All right? Maybe I’ll just leave and go kill a different dragon.

[The princesses start crying]

Prince Andaman: Oh, no. No, I’m sorry. I’ve been so rude. Just based on the princesses I’ve met, she should have like a big ass toe or lay eggs or something.

Lucilia: Father, he’s right. Sometimes, one of the girls is weird. On purpose. She’ll make a joke out of herself before anyone who can judge her.

Regalia: Maybe it’s because we have to jump through crazy hoops for princes like you, Dragon Dork.

Blondelia: Maybe it’s a metaphor for being different or ugly or stupid or gay. I don’t know. I’m just guessing, I’m very normal.

Prince Andaman: I see. I’m sorry. I was judgmental. The truth is I’m drawn to Blondelia, though I fear there is a catch.

King: But isn’t that love, young man?

Prince Andaman: I guess you’re right. All right. I choose number three, Blondelia.

King: Prince Andaman and Blondelia, blessings upon you.

Prince Andaman: I love you Blondelia, and you shall be my wife.

Blondelia: And I love you. Goodbye, father. Goodbye, dear sisters. Goodbye.

Sisters: Goodbye.

[While they walk out, Blondelia’s butt cheeks are showing out of her dress.]

Male voice: There we go. Good old number three gets them everytime.

Selena Gomez Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Selena Gomez: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. Growing up, I used to watch SNL every Saturday with my mom. Hi mom. This is a big moment for me. I actually started acting when I was seven and I’ve been lucky enough to work with some Hollywood icons from Steve Martin, Martin Short and of course, Barney.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, that’s me. That was the first show I was on. And now I’m on a show called “Only Murders In The Building”. [cheers and applause] I was so honored to work with Steve Martin and Martin Short, especially after I googled them to find out who they were. I remember telling my friend, I was cast in a show called Only Murders and she was like, “Um, it sounds sexy. Any hot co stars?” And I was like… “Depends. Do you love the banjo?”

All right, it’s cool vaguer out to SNL legends. And when I found out I was hosting, I immediately asked for their advice. Steve said trust no one. And Marty said “I think Steve Martin has been using my credit card.” I also asked one of my oldest friends Miley Cyrus, and she said, “Just be yourself and have fun.” I was like, “Miley, is that just an excuse for me to do an impression of you on the show?” And she was like, “Hell yeah, I’m Miley Cyrus.”

But one reason I’m really excited to host SNL is because I’m single. And I’ve heard that SNL is a great place to find romance. Emma Stone met her husband here. Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost. And Pete and Machine Gun Kelly. And since I don’t really want to try the dating apps, I just want to put it out in the universe that I’m manifesting love. And I would like to say that I’m looking for my soulmate, but at this point, I won’t take anyone.

Kyle Mooney: I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: What?

Kyle Mooney: Be with you. Like you said, I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: Oh, no, no. No, no.

Kyle Mooney: But you just said you’d take anyone.

Selena Gomez: Yeah, but I was just sort of joking. I just don’t really think that’s gonna be our journey. I’m sorry. Aren’t you married?

Kyle Mooney: Oh, yeah, that’s right. Okay, well, I still believe that I could find love with the right person.

James Austin Johnson: I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: Oh, this is the new cast member Jeff.

James Austin Johnson: It’s James, but I’ll change it to Jeff if you want.

Selena Gomez: Well, aren’t you married also?

James Austin Johnson: Oh, right. Right, right.

Punkie Johnson: Excuse me. Come on, man, you gotta read the room. It’s a no, Jeff. Bye.

Selena Gomez: Thank you. Thank you.

Punkie Johnson: Of course baby. You know, I’m so sorry. These men out here harassing you, it’s just unacceptable, boo. You’re just out here doing your job, you know? Damn. But um, I’ll do it.

[cheers and applause]

Selena: Honestly, it’s kind of a vibe, but let’s see how the after party goes. Before we start the show, I just want to say how grateful I am to be here and I’ll admit I am a little nervous. But I just think back to those words of wisdom that one of my co stars would tell me before every show. I love you. You love me. We’re a happy family. You know it, with that great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won’t you say you love me too. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Post Malone is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Old Enough Longterm Boyfriends

Matt… Mikey Day

Kelsey… Selena Gomez

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Netflix viewers love “Old Enough”, the hit Japanese show that follows toddlers as they go on an errand all by themselves. And now we’re remaking it here. But since Americans don’t send toddlers out into the world alone, we have to find an equally helpless group. And we did. Here’s a sneak peek of “Old Eough! Long Term Boyfriends!”

[cut to Matt and Kelsey’s apartment. Matt is playing video game.] Matt and Kelsey live in New York City. They have been dating for three years. And now that he’s 34, Kelsey thinks Matt is ready to run an errand all by himself.

Kelsey: Matt, I’m gonna need you to go out and get a couple of things from me, okay?

Matt: [confused] Are you gonna come?

Kelsey: No, no, no. This is something you have to do all by yourself. Okay?

Female voice: Matt’s nervous. But with Kelsey’s help, Matt is ready for his big errand. [Kelsey gets Matt ready like a toddler. With a day bag, water bottle, stop sign flag and more.]

Matt have to walk four blocks to Sephora, which he thinks is called Sephoria, like the HBO show Euphoria, and buy Smashbox, eye pencil and night mist. Then he’ll need to get two shallots at the market. Here he goes. He’s only 34.

[cut to Matt going into the streets]

Wow, so brave.

[There’s a poster of Ana de Armas at the bust stop. Matt is looking at the poster.]

Don’t get distracted by Ana de Armas, Matt. And he made it to Sephora. But once inside, Matt is overwhelmed. He’s never been here without Kelsey before. [Matt starts crying] Oh no. Matt, don’t cry. Ask for help like a big boy.

Heidi: Hi.

Matt: Do you know where the makeup is?

Heidi: Oh, this is all makeup in here, sweetie. Do you know what you’re looking for?

Female voice: Remember Matt, Kelsey wants to Smashbox, night mist, eye pencil.

Matt: Smash mouth Night wing.

[Matt starts crying]

Heidi: It’s okay. Okay, it’s okay. It’s okay.

Female voice: Back at home, Kelsey hopes Matt is okay by himself.

Kelsey: Matt is so great at doing things he likes. Like, DraftKings or his adult Legos. But getting something for me without me being there is a lot for him to handle. Especially at his age. I might have a bottle a glass of wine. It’s 10 AM, but it’s fine. You can cut that out, right?

Female voice: At Sephora, Matt makes his purchase. Hurray! And after stopping to buy a bacon, egg and cheese, even though he ate lunch an hour ago, Matt’s on his way to the market. But what’s this? Another boy on an errand? [Kenan is on his errand shopping]

Matt: Hi, I’m 34.

Kenan: I’m 38 and a half.

Matt: Are you on an errand for your girlfriend?

Kenan: Yeah, I had to get dry cleaning and a cream that costs $80.

Matt: Are shallots onions?

Kenan: Yeah. Bye.

Matt: Bye.

Female voice: Keep going, Matt. You’re almost there. He made it. Kelsey wanted two shallots. But she buys two five pound bags of onions. Kelsey awaits his return. Hurry up, Matt. You’re almost there.

[the onions fall out of the bag]

Matt: Son of a—

[cut to Selena opens the door]

Female voice: And he’s done it.

Kelsey: You did it! Give me a big hug. I am really proud of him. That said, I asked him to get an eyeliner pencil and two shallots and he brought home 10 pounds of onions and a blush palette for African American woman. So, I should just break up. It’s just not this. It’s everything. We’re basically roommates. Watch, baby, do you want to have sex right now?

Matt: Uh-huh, it’s like, light outside.

Kelsey: Oh, silly me.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Trial Cold Open

Nicole Wallace… Kate McKinnon

Camille Vasquez… Aidy Bryant

Johnny Depp… Kyle Mooney

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft… Heidi Gardner

Leonard Green… Kenan Thompson

Tasha… Ego Nwodem

Sophia… Melissa Villaseñor

Jamal… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: This is an MSNBC News Special Report.

[Cut to Nicole Wallace in her set]

Nicole Wallace: Good evening. I’m Nicole Wallace. And you’re watching MSNBC news because you have nowhere else to place your anger. Tonight, political fallout from the recent January 6 subpoenas, updates on the Russian helicopter taken down by Ukraine, plus a nationwide shortage of baby formula. But we start of course, with the Johnny Depp – Amber Heard cuckoo trial. Look, I know it’s not the most pertinent story of the moment. But with all the problems in the world, isn’t it nice to have a news story we can all collectively watch and say, “Oh, glad it ain’t me.” I thought so. We take you now to live coverage.

Camille Vasquez: Mr. Depp earlier in this trial, you mentioned that Miss Heard left fecal matter in your bed.

Johnny Depp: That is correct. Yes.

Camille Vasquez: And how did that make you feel?

Johnny Depp: I felt very, very sad.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection. Your Honor, we’ve been through this. There’s no actual proof that this ever happened.

Judge: Sustained. Where are you going with this, counselor?

Camille Vasquez: Your Honor, we’ve recently found surveillance footage of the house staff discovering the alleged fecal matter on Mr. Depp’s bed.

Judge: Oh, word?

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, that still wouldn’t prove my client is guilty of anything.

Judge: That’s true, but I’ll allow it because it does sound fun. And this trial is for fun.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: What?

Camille Vasquez: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Depp. Can you tell us who that is?

[a video is being played on a TV. Leonard Green is inside Johnny Depp’s room]

Johnny Depp: Well, that’s my property manager Leonard Green. I guess he’s doing a routine check around the house.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: [on the phone] Yeah, man. You know, she cut that joker’s finger off, right? If I’m lying, I”m flying. Hold on a second. [smells around] Damn! Smell like booboo in here. It’s coming from this bed. [looks under the blanket.] Oh, hell no! That’s a booboo.

Camille Vasquez: And there you have it. They found the dookie.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, your Honor. That is pure speculation.

Judge: Overruled. I’d like to see more of this video.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Why?

Judge: Cuz it’s funny. Please continue.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: Ay, Tasha! God damn, I hate this job.

[Tasha walks in]

Tasha: Why you yelling my name like you crazy?

Leonard Green: Look at this.

Tasha: Eww! Hell, no. Why didn’t you just go in the toilet?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this.

Tasha: Well, who did it then?

Leonard Green: I don’t know. Maybe the dog?

Tasha: No, no, no. That mess ain’t come out of no dog. That came out of a dehydrated adult.

Leonard Green: Maybe the wife did it?

Tasha: Now, why would she booboo in her own bed?

Leonard Green: Well, remember, she already cut the boy’s finger off. And my dad always told me, if a girl cut your finger she will booboo in your bed.

Tasha: Now, why are you taking a picture of it?

Leonard Green: Cuz, it looked just like the emoji.

Tasha: Man, what is wrong with white people?

Leonard Green: I don’t know, but you need to clean this up before Mr. Johnny get back.

Tasha: Oh, no, that ain’t my damn job. I am a landscaper.

Leonard Green: Well, this fertilizer?

Tasha: Um-umm. Sophia!

Leonard Green: Sophia!

[cut back to the court]

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection your honor. How much of this video do we have to watch?

Judge: We don’t have to watch any of it. But we want to. So hush. Now, who’s this Sophia person?

Johnny Depp: Oh, she’s my cleaning lady.

Judge: Mr. Depp, are you finding this trial amusing?

Johnny Depp: A little. Yes.

Judge: So am I. You’re bad, Captain Jack.

[cut to the video. Sophia walks in.]

Sophia: Hola. Como estas.

[Leonard Green shows Sophia under the blanket.] [speaking Spanish]

Tasha: Um-hmm, yeah.

Leonard Green: It’s booboo, Sophia.

Sophia: Exactamente. Como li- mochi.

Leonard Green: See? I told you.

Tasha: Sophia, you got to clean this up, okay?

Sophia: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Leonard Green: Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Jamal walks in the room]

Jamal: Man, y’all seen somebody do a dangling on the walls with blood. I hate this damn job so much. Wait, what’s that smell? [Leonard Green shows Jamal under the blanket.] Oh, ha-ha-ha. So you really did it, man. You finally quitting?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this. It was the wife.

Sophia: And you got to clean it up, Jamal.

Jamal: Oh, hell no. I just do the laundry.

Sophia: Yeah, and that’s laundry, bro.

Jamal: Damn, I hate this job.

[cut back to the court]

Judge: Okay, I think I’ve seen enough. This trial has given me a lot to consider. On one hand, I believe Mr. Depp’s story. But on the other hand, your constant little smirk let’s me know that this is not the first woman you’ve made so mad that she pooped in your bed.

Johnny Depp: I guess I have been known to be a full nightmare.

Judge: Yeah, right. Okay, either way, I’m just so glad this ain’t me. And…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Irish Play

[Starts with announcer on the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first preview of “A Storm Within” by acclaimed Irish playwright, Rory McFadden. And as I’m sure you’re aware, there is a penis in the show. Yes, we go there. And it better not end up online. If you post it, you will lose the penis. Okay? So just enjoy it, and then let it go. Also, everyone in the show has COVID. So these are all understudies. They’ve had 30 minutes of rehearsal backstage. We could have canceled tonight, but I’m gonna fight with my husband, so I need to be out of the apartment. Our fight may or may not be about the penis in the show. The penis is also being understudied, so I’m excited to see what that’s like. All right. Without further tattoo, we now present “A Storm Within”. That’s just gonna be good.

Melissa: Oh, this is gonna be good.

Mikey: Is that what you took from that?

[Cecily is crying with a baby in her arms]

Cecily: Line?

Announcer: Aalready? You don’t know your first line?

Cecily: No.

Announcer: It’s “Hush now, baby.”

Cecily: Oh, yeah, yeah. Hush, now, baby. Don’t wake your ma’am. She’s sleeping off drink in the other room again. Nan’s here to take care of— Line?

Announcer: Ya.

Cecily: Nan’s here to take care of ya. Is it the penis now?

Announcer: No, it’s an act two. It needs an hour to prep.

[Selena walks in]

Selena: What are you doing with my baby?

Announcer: What is that accent?

Selena: Sorry, I tried the Irish, that sounds weird. So I just did Australian.

Announcer: No, you’re not doing Australian.

Selena: Oh, I think I am mate.

Announcer: Oh my god. Please stop. Do you at least know your lines?

Selena: Yes. I need a line.

Announcer: I need money for whiskey.

Selena: Sorry. I don’t have any money.

Announcer: No, that’s your line. Just do the play.

Cecily: You saw him again, didn’t you? You always act this way when you see him.

Selena: What’s wrong? Are you afraid to say his name?

Cecily: Of course I’m not afraid. But you say it first. Just to remind me what it is.

Selena: No, you should, since you brought it up.

Cecily: Okay, well then, let’s just both say the same time. 1-2-3.

Selena and Cecily: 4-5.

Announcer: I’m assuming from this back and forth that you both forgot the name? It’s Seamus.

Cecily: Seamus. Oh, yeah. Oh, should we do the kiss now?

Selena: Yes. I could not wait more.

Announcer: No, no. You are mother and daughter. There is no kiss.

Mikey: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Melissa: I know. Think about that baby is gonna grow up.

Selena: Why won’t you give me the money, cow?

Cecily: Wash your mouth.

Announcer: It’s watch.

Cecily: Oh, I’m sorry. Wash your watch. I don’t care if you’re my daughter. I’ll call the police.

Selena: Ma’am, I’d be careful. You’re treading a very thin line.

Announcer: Line.

Cecily: What? Who’s?

Selena: What?

Announcer: What? The word line is your line.

Cecily: Oh.

Cecily and Selena: Line.

Announcer: No, not the both. Just keep going.

[door knocking]

Cecily: Who is that? Is that penis? Seamus?

Selena: Well, only one way to find out.

[Selena runs to a door and opens it]

Announcer: No, not that door. That’s where the dogs are at.

[the dogs run into the stage]

Melissa: Wow. It says here the dogs are understudies too.

Announcer: Okay, you know what? I’m just going to play all of the parts. You’ll know who I’m doing because I’ll be doing all of the voices. [clears throat] Ma’am, I didn’t want you to do this. But you’ve left me no choice. Is that our gun, girl? Yeah mate, I got it from Seamus

[Bowen walks in]

Bowen: Sorry, I know I’m early, but it’s ready and it needs to be now.

Announcer: What? It’s not supposed to be until act two.

Bowen: Sorry, it has to be now.

Announcer: Well, can you say the line at least?

Bowen: Curse of the Irish, more like blessing. What time is it? Dong o’clock, Ayuga.

Announcer: Okay, those are actually the lines. Just go ahead and show us.

[cut the the audience. They are shocked to see the penis]

Mikey: Wow, they really did go there.

Melissa: I told you.

Inventor Documentary

Taylor Gosh… Selena Gomez

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to American inventors.

[Cut to Taylor Gosh]

Taylor Gosh: The automobile, paper cup, dancing, computer. These were all invented. But who did that and what is their story? We begin with Archie Gizmo, the brilliant inventor of the whoopee cushion.

Archie Gizmo: Well, back in the early 60s. I was just a struggling gag and dinner. And all I had was an early prototype of the cushion? I knew it would be funny to have your boss sit down and a noise come from his butt. But I just couldn’t figure out what noise. No. I couldn’t crack. But then I met her.

[Cut to Aidy dancing]

Miss Dina Beans. I saw her from afar. Her energy was magnetic. Her eyes are endless. And every time she sat down, gas.

[cut to video clips where Aidy farts when she sits]

Taylor Gosh: It was that night he realized the funniest noise that could come out of a butt was a fart.

News anchor: Watch out substitute teachers, don’t sit down. They’re calling it the whoopee cushion and they’re flying off the shelves.

Taylor Gosh: He had a bonafide hits and it didn’t stop there. Dena Beans became his news.

Archie Gizmo: I fell in love with Dina. And she was behind every good idea I ever had. Because you see, she wasn’t just a chronic gas passer. She was also the most viciously, unlucky woman I had ever met.

[Cut to Dina Beans in her kitchen]

Dina Beans: Oh, yum, peanuts?

[whe she opens the bottle, snakes come out of it]

Oh, snakes?

Archie Gizmo: I mean, what the hell could have been going on at the peanut factory for a sealed can to be full of four multicolored, alive, poisonous snakes?

News anchor: Watch out in peanut fans. Maybe it’s time to switch to pecans.

Taylor Gosh: Archie diligently recorded home footage of Dina’s every move. Here, Dina is struck by lightning while shaking someone’s hand.

[cut to a video where Dina is struck by lightning while shaking someone’s hand]

Dina Beans: Hi, Mr. Nice to meet you. [gets struck by lightning]

Archie Gizmo: Boom. That was the hand buzzer. Very next day, hand to God, her eyeballs popped out of her sockets.

[cut to a video of Dina’s eye balls popping out of her head while sneezing]

Dina Beans: Oh, my eyes fell out.

Archie Gizmo: Boom. Googly eyed slinging glasses.

[Dina Beans puts her eye balls back]

Dina Beans: That’s better.

Archie Gizmo: Then lightning got the woman again. This time while taking a piece of gum from a guy.

[cut to a video where Dina is struck by lightning while taking a gum from a guy]

Dina Beans: Tutti Frutti, my favorite– [gets struck by lightning]

Commercial: Electric gum, the gum that bites back.

Taylor Gosh: How this woman did not die between two lightning strikes and a snake attack is between her and God. But Archie’s hit pranks just kept coming.

Archie Gizmo: Dina got struck by lightning almost weekly. While clicking a pin.

Commercial: Electric Shocker, the pen that gives an electric shock.

Archie Gizmo: Sitting down.

Commercial: Electric whoopee cushion.

Archie Gizmo: She was God’s perfect fool.

Taylor Gosh: Archie became the most famous gag inventor in the world. And it was all thanks to Dina Beans.

Archie Gizmo: We had everything. Money, a house in the hills, late nights with celebrities, the parties and illicit drugs were fun. But none of that mattered to me because Dina was the prize and the greatest gag she ever goofed was marrying a guy like me. I love you Dina Beans.

Dina Beans: Oh, and I love you Archie Gizmo.

Archie Gizmo: Sharke on it? [gives his hand to shake, but he has a shocker in his hand. When she shakes her hand, she gets electric shock]