Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Being Sober

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new republican healthcare proposal could end protection for access to drug treatment and rehab. Here with his thoughts is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, wad up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Good, how are you?

Colin Jost: I’m doing great. So, what have you been up to since you got sober?

Pete Davidson: Um, well, they say quitting drugs is hard and that’s true, but they don’t tell you how boring it is. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Whoever said there aren’t enough hours in a day was a liar. There are so many hours in the day. 24 to be exact. Did you guys know what? Did you know there were 24 hours in a day? Coz I thought there were only six.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, that’s good to know. I feel like there must have been something you did with your time off. Right?

Pete Davidson: I’ve been masturbating.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: It’s great.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I’m doing that a lot. I was on drugs for the last eight years. So now I have to get, like, all the bad kids out.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, I’m sorry. What does that mean?

Pete Davidson: I got to masturbate all the bad kids out, Colin. [Cut to Pete Davidson] There’s a bunch of dummies in there. If I had  kid right now, he would come out with a snapback and a neck tattoo.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m just– I guess I’m just going to move on from that. So, how did you become sober?

Pete Davidson: Well, I went to rehab [Cut to Pete Davidson] and here’s some advice. Never pick the rehab you want to go to while you are high. Coz that’s what I did. I just googled rehab and picked the first place that popped up. What caught my eye about this one was their main attraction was horse therapy.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What’s horse therapy?

Pete Davidson: Well, wouldn’t we all like to know, Colin? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I’m not 100% sure, but I think it’s like when you pet horses and you look at them and like heal through their horseyness. You pet them and you look them in the eye and you’re like, “You’re trapped. I’m trapped. We get thorough this.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, it actually sounds kind of nice.

Pete Davidson: It does, doesn’t it? But the first day I got to rehab, guess who is allergic to horses. So… yeah. that’s how poor I was growing up. I never even met a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I remember doing the allergy test when they test you for dogs, cats and grass and all that. I remember the doctor specifically asked my mom, “Should he be tested for horses?” And she literally said, “Nah, he will never see one.” And then she said, “We’re more of a six flags type family.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. That sounds like a nightmare scenario. Rehab.

Pete Davidson: It was. Do not go to rehab that has horse therapy. If you go it will cost you 40 grand.

Colin Jost: Wait, it cost you $40,000?

Pete Davidson: To pet a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You can have sex with a person for like, 50 bucks. I should have banged that horse.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Weekend Update on Aunt Jemima Recall

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Aunt Jemima logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Aunt Jemima is recalling several breakfast food products because they might contain Listeria, who I’m guessing is Jemima’ sister.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a monkey and map of India at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in India are hoping to deal with the exploding monkey population by providing them with birth control. India, where they treat monkeys better than America treats women. By the way, they have to use birth control pills because every time they tried to teach the monkey to use condom, it ate the banana. So, just the first joke?

[Picture changes to a computer]

A company in Canada has created a new software than can mimic anyone’s voice and get it to say anything. I will finally be able to hear my dad say, “I’m proud of you.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Calendar marked on May Colin Jost4 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tomorrow’s Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to call your mama, because I won’t!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s introduced a new utensil called froerk, which is a fork made with French Fries. It’s a perfect way to tell your arteries to go fork themselves!

Weekend Update Cathy Anne

Michael Che

Cathy Anne

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Tuesday, president Trump fired FBI director James Comey. The contradictory reasons for his firing coming out of the Trump campaign has been causing a lot of confusion, just like I just had. Here to clear things up, is the woman who is always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey, Michael Che. You are looking nice today.

Michael Che: Well, thank you, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Michael Che. Can you understand half of SHT what’s going on right now? Coz everything to me is more confusing and messier than when my uncle’s ‘you know what’ lab exploded.

Michael Che: Okay, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Meth lab.

Michael Che: Yeah. I figured it was a meth lab.

Cathy Anne: Can you believe that Donald Trump gets to fire the man investigating him? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Whow! I mean, if I got to fire every person that investigated me, I would still have my job at Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: What happened at Pizza Hut?

Cathy Anne: Oh, what didn’t happen at pizza hut? Oh, man. Did you hear what he said about James Comey? [Cut to Cathy Anne] I mean, it’s like he’s trying to pick a fight with the FBI. Who the hell wants to pick a fight with the FBI? Okay, let me say. I’ll be left up with you, okay? I have had some problems with paranoia in my life just due to funky wiring in my head and mixed with mild recreational heavy drug use. God, you gotta be paranoid for real if you messing with the FBI and the Russians on top of that? I mean, he is living the actual life junkies are dreaming about in the bowling alley. When they’re like, “The CIA is after me. The Russians are listening.” But that’s his real life. You know what I mean?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t know anything about his real life, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: What is he thinking? Hanging out on Russians anyway, right? [Cut to Cathy Anne] They’re the ones that’s always pushing people out of windows and shooting them in the back of the cars, blowing that poison paint in the people’s face. He is taking selfish move in the Oval Office. I bet you that he has more Russian friends than I have days left to live.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, don’t say that.

Cathy Anne: Hey, baby, I live hard, okay? I’m like a shooting star. Just, pheww! You tell my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright, I’m not completely familiar with it, but I’ll try.

Cathy Anne: You know what? Here’s the thing. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I don’t even have problem with Donald Trump, right? Coz he’s crazy. And crazy recognizes crazy. Okay? Donald Trump, I see you, my man.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Your man?

Cathy Anne: Look. It’s all these republicans in congress pretending they don’t see what’s going on. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I know you’re not dumb. The only thing these investigating committees need to be book looking for is a damn backbone. Right? And you know it’s not going to be Mitch McDonald because he acts even more scary than he looks and he looks like this. [acting like Mitch McConnell] Right? Like somebody one poke the turtle. But I tell you, the rest of them need to grow a pair to put their country before the party. Don’t tell us we ain’t got the money to pay for people’s health care and turn around and spend $1 million a day so Donald Trump’s wife don’t have to sleep in the same bed as him.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne! Come on!

Cathy Anne: I’m not dumb. I can relate, Michael Che. [Cut to Cathy Anne] There’s been a similar situation, right? I used to get paid $15 a day to stay away from this man that ran a dry cleaner down the street from me. He would just leave it in a little envelope and just write “Please” on the outside of it. that’s how I got my first cricket phone.

Michael Che: [laughing] Cricket? You’re the only person I know with a cricket phone.

Cathy Anne: You put it in my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright.

Cathy Anne: No, listen to me. If this dude turns into a watergate type situation, I’m saying it right now. I call deep throat.

Michael Che: Oh! Cathy Anne, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and James Comey at left top corner.]

Well, I know most of us think this every week but this week was crazy. On Tuesday, president Trump fired FBI director James Comey. Then the White House panicked and started blurting out excuses like a husband with glitter on his collar. Finally, Trump came forward and he said he decided to fire Comey himself because Comey “wasn’t doing a good job.” Adding, for example, “I am still president.” Then he called Comey a show boat. This guy, [picture changes to James Comey] this guy is a show boat. He looks like if the word ‘gosh’ became a person. Trump was also reportedly surprised that people were angry he fired the guy investigating the Trump campaign. How did Trump not realize that was suspicious? I mean if a drug sniffing dog came up to your bag at the airport and your response was to shoot the dog, people would really wonder what’s in that bag. Or they would just assume you work for United. [picture changes to United airlines logo] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steve Bannon at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Steve Bannon reportedly told the president that this was not the right time to fire Comey. Well, when would be the good time to fire the guy that’s investigating you? While he’s putting on a handcuffs? Also, you know something looks bad when Steve Bannon has to walk into your office with hot dog breath in his 10 o’clock shadow like, “Hey, this could be bad for our image, boss.”And it does look bad. In fact, everything Trump does sounds like a trailer of a wacky movie. Trump headline should come with a record scratch in a fun song. For instance, this week president Trump halts an FBI investigation by firing… [questioning tone] the head of the FBI? [song ‘I feel good’ playing] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After the Comey news was made public, White House press secretary Sean Spicer tried to evade reporters by ducking into some bushes. Which is weird because diving into bushes without warning is usually his boss’s thing. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Michael Che: A lot of emotions there.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Spicer’s thirsty understudy Sarah Huckabee Sanders said James Comey had committed basic atrocity as well he was head of the FBI like re-opening the Hillary Clinton investigation. But that’s not a basic atrocity. A basic atrocity is when you post a brunch photo that says ‘pizza is life’. But when your profile pic is you on an inflatable swan. Basic atrocities is by the way, is also where Sarah Huckabee Sanders gets her wardrobe. [Picture changes to Basic Atrocities fancy store] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump warned in a tweet that “James Omey better hope that there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” I don’t even know what that mens because he put the word ‘tapes’ in quotes. Adding random quotations so a word just makes everything sound a lot worse. it’s the difference between saying, “Grandma is sleeping”, and “Grandma is [does the two finger quote gesture] sleeping.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Trump also tweeted, “As a very active President with lots of things happening, it is not possible for my surrogates to stand at podium with perfect accuracy!…” First of all, very active is not how you describe a president. That’s how you describe imagination of a child that draws pictures of his school on fire.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s twitter profile]

Then he goes on to say, “… Maybe the best thing to do would be to cancel all future “press briefings” and hand out written responses for the sake of accuracy???” N, dude! You can’t just get rid of press briefings. Every time we criticize Donald Trump, he tries to offer a way worse plan as the solution. Just like when people criticize Trump for not actually draining the swamp, and Trump was like, “Well, I guess that means I should… [questioning tone] hire my son-in-law? [song ‘I feel good’ playing] [Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a letter at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A letter released by president Trump’s lawyers claim that the last 10 years of his tax returns do not show any income from Russian sources “with a few exceptions”. ‘With a few exceptions’ is not a comforting phrase. That’s like hearing, “Don’t worry. All the kids came back from the field trip, with a few exceptions.” I’d also just like to point out that one of his tax attorneys is named Willy Nelson. And I know it’s not this Willy Nelson [Picture changes to Willy Nelson the singer] who famously didn’t pay his taxes, but still, I wouldn’t hire a baby sitter legal name was Jared Fogle. [Picture changes to Jared Fogle] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Are the Fogles here? Education secretary Betsy DeVos was boo’ed while giving a commencement speech at the historically all black Bethune-Cookman University. It was the most booing from the all black audience since I let Colin let open for me at the Apollo. [Picture changes to Colin Jost doing stand-up] [Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s a private moment

Sean Spicer Returns (Melissa McCarthy)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glenn… Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: We now join the White House press briefing where Sarah Huckabee Sanders is filling in for Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders walking to the podium]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good morning, guys. It’s an honor to be here today. And for those of you who don’t know me, my father is Mike Huckabee and my mother is a big souther hamburger. Okay? And yes, obviously, I”m hilarious like my daddy. Now, I am filling in for Sean today. As you know, Sean is fulfilling his duty as an officer in the Naval reserve and that is why he cannot be here today.

Cecily: I’m pretty sure I can see him hiding in those bushes.

[Sean Spicer is looking inside through the window from behind the bushes]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: I believe that’s a naval exercise. He’s trying to blend in with his surroundings, okay? Are there any more questions?

Sasheer: Yeah. I have a question. Can you just do this full time instead of him?

Mikey: Yeah. I’d also like to ask that question because you are clearly articulate and charming. Where as Sean is bullish–

[Sean Spicer walks in and uses fire extinguisher on Mikey]

Sean Spicer: You know why I had to put your pants out? Coz you’re bone chugged liar in there. That pant’s lying. [walks to the podium and pushing Sarah Huckabee Sanders away] Now, move. Move. When you lie all the time, your pants get on fire. Liar, liar, pants on fire. So, I put him out. That’s right. Spicy’s back. Sarah’s out. Booya! Let’s do this. First question, Michelin man. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Glenn.

Glenn: Yes. People are saying that based on president Trump’s tweets that he is unhinged. Would you agree?

Sean Spicer: Oh, my god, Glenn. Do I come to your job and slap those seven or eight hot dogs out of your mouth? Huh? You’re really gonna ask me that? This is offensive. If he is crazy, he is crazy like a fox with mental problems. Okay? Next question.

Glenn: Yes, I have a follow-up. Isn’t it true that president Trump only fired James Comey to stop the FBI’s investigation with him?

Sean Spicer: Shut up, Glenn.

Glenn: I think the American people deserve to know.

Sean Spicer: [mocking] Oh, do they, Glenn? [gibberish] You stink!

Glenn: Come on! I don’t stink.

Sean Spicer: You stink bad!

Glenn: I don’t stink. [Glenn sits down]

Sean Spicer: Alright, let me just put this whole Russian thing to bed once and for all. Trump is innocent. How do we know? Because he told us so. Period! Then he hired lawyers to agree with him. And they’re going to prove it with a certified letter, which you know is the truth because it costs and extra $2 to certify. Now, I got a tracking number right here. You wanna check it out. It goes 8554611856– son of a– Alright, wait, that’s my bank routing number. No one use that. No one use it. You can’t take money out of it. If you wanna put money in, go ahead. Alright, next question.

Sasheer: Sean, you must know this Russia thing looks really bad.

Sean Spicer: Oh my god! There is no Russian thing. The only Russian thing here is my little dollies. Bring them out.

[Sean Spicer walks to the table beside the podium. There’s a box.]

For you people. Okay, here’s the deal. See if you can follow. Okay, first of all, here’s Trump. [pulls out a pot with Donald Trump printed on it.] Okay? He’s the biggest one and he’s the most beautiful. When he was not happy with the performance of the FBI director, this guy, Comey. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a dog’s picture] Because Comey was not being nice to our friend, boom, Hillary Clinton. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with Maleficent’s picture] Okay? This dude,[he shows a pot with another picture, but then hides it.] wait! Son of a– Okay, that’s not– Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him. If you did this Glenn, I swear to god I’ll rip you to shreds. So, what actually happened is Trump conferred with his good, good friend, there you go, Steve Bannon. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a cartoon green slug picture] And the decision to fire Comey was even confirmed by Trump’s tiniest little buddy, come on out you little buddy, Jeff Sessions. [Sean Spicer shows a small pot with Pikachu’s picture] There we go. Jeff Sessions. So, next question.

[Sean Spicer walks to the podium]

Vanessa: Yeah. Were you surprised that he fired Comey before he fired you?

Sean Spicer: Oh, god!

[Sean Spicer walks to a pole, carried the whole pole and throws it over the press members]

Does that answer your question? I honestly hope to god it killed her.

Cecily: Sean. Sean, just be straight with us for once. What’s really going on?

Sean Spicer: I am being straight with you. I’m telling you exactly what president Trump told me.

Glenn: Um, but what if he’s lying to you?

Sean Spicer: He– But he wouldn’t do that. He’s my friend.

Sasheer: If he’s your friend, why does he make you come out here and humiliate yourself everyday?

Sean Spicer: He doesn’t make me. I like it. I– I get off on it.

Mikey: If he’s your friend, why is everyone saying he is about to fire you and replace you with Sarah.

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in eating an apple]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, bless your heart. This is the first time I’m hearing of that.

[Sean Spicer pushes Sarah Huckabee Sanders away]

Sean Spicer: Get out. Get out. I gotta find Trump. I’m going to New York. [Sean Spicer’s podium is moving like it’s a car] The press interview is over!

[song playing] [Cut to Sean Spicer traveling on streets on the same podium]

Sean Spicer: [road rage] Common! I need to find Trump! [sobbing] I promise I’ll talk better. I can’t go back to the Navy. I can’t swim.

[Sean Spicer sees a gum on the street. He picks it up and puts it in his mouth.] [Sean Spicer reaches Trump Tower] [to the Trump Tower guard] I wanna talk to President Trump. Now!

Guard: He doesn’t come here anymore.

Sean Spicer: Well, then where is he?

[Cut to a golf course in New Jersey] [Sean Spicer finds Donald Trump

Sean Spicer: Mr. Trump. I need to talk to you. have you ever told me to say things that aren’t true?

Donald Trump: Only since you started working here.

Sean Spicer: I don’t think I can do this anymore, Mr. President. They are saying you are going to replace me with Sarah.

Donald Trump: Sean, come on. I would never do that. She doesn’t have you special spice, salt and pepper [tickling Sean Spicer’s hair] and a little bit of sugar. [tickling Sean Spicer’s belly]

Sean Spicer: No! Mr. President, stop.

Donald Trump: You like it when I do that, Sean?

Sean Spicer: No, it just tickles a little.

Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump tickles a little more]

Sean Spicer: No! I’m married.

Donald Trump: Sean, kiss me.

Sean Spicer: I can’t. I have a wife. I took vows.

Donald Trump: No, I’m famous. It’s okay.

Sean Spicer: No, wait. Is this like the Godfather when you kiss me and no one ever sees me again?

Donald Trump: Yes.

[Sean Spicer and Donald Trump start kissing]

Melissa McCarthy’s Mother’s Day Monologue

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.

[Melissa McCarthy walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Melissa McCarthy: Hello. Hello. Thank you. Wow! Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s great to be hosting Saturday Night Live for the 5th time which is amazing. But even more than that is it’s amazing that tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Right? And I’m lucky to have two great girls. I’m a mom and I am lucky to be the daughter of a great mom Sandy McCarthy who always sends me flowers on Mother’s Day. I know. It’s so sweet. But you know what? I’m looking out here and I’m seeing all these people and I want to see everyone who is a mother. I want to see you up. I want to see everyone who is a mother up. [Mothers in the audience stand] Let’s cheer these ladies. Come on! Take your moment. Come on. Every single one of these ladies who stood up have not been to the bathroom alone since they gave birth. They haven’t had a hot meal in years. All of our purses are filled with weird cracker crumbs and dirty Purell bottles and that’s okay. Now, what’s your name?

Quarn: Quarn.

Melissa McCarthy: Quarn. How many kids do you have?

Quarn: TWo.

Melissa McCarthy: What are their names?

Quarn: Emma and Sam.

Melissa McCarthy: And are they with you today?

Quarn: They are not.

Melissa McCarthy: [looking at the camera as message to her kids] Shame on you. I don’t get their flowers for like, months. It’ll be great. It’ll be really good. And what is your name?

Joen: Joen.

Melissa McCarthy: Joen. How many kids do you have?

Joen: I have two, also.

Melissa McCarthy: Two, what do you have?

Joen. A girl and a boy, Sarah and Will.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, Sarah and will. Alright. Now, since my mom can’t be here, I need a little mom time. Can I give you a tour of the SNL back stage that only hosts get to see?

Joen: I would love to.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay. You will be my surrogate mom for the day. Let’s go. We’ve only got 90 seconds. [Melissa McCarthy runs with Joen to the backstage] This is a quick change area, Joen. This is where they rip your clothes off– [Melissa McCarthy opens the curtain, Alec Baldwin dressed as Donald Trump is inside]

Alec: Hi!

Melissa McCarthy: Get your pants on, Alec. They let us steal the clothes too if you just run fast enough. Nobody says anything. Now, this is the paint desk.  You can ask her for anything. Food, transportation, gum.

Joen: Hi.

Melissa McCarthy: What do we want? Oh, foot cream and a bottle of ketchup.

[the staff give them a foot cream and a ketchup.]

Oh, my god. It worked. Okay, that’s for you. Buy guys. Thanks. Let’s keep stealing stuffs. These are some of the cast dressing rooms. Now, this was one of the SNL legends. It’s the hallway llama. [There’s a llama in the hallway]  You can touch her. Just touch her on the neck. She’s had a lot of face work done. She’s an actress. It will eat your hat. Let’s go. We gotta keep going. This is where they do all the cue-cards. This is getting into the paint thing. These are– [They run into Ryan Reynalds and Blake Lively] Hi! Oh my god!

Ryan Reynolds: Hey!

Melissa McCarthy: Oh my god!

[cheers and applause]

Ryan Reynolds: [hugging Joen] Congratulations!

Blake Lively: Happy Mother’s Day!

Joen: Thank you.

Melissa McCarthy: What are you guys doing here?

Ryan Reynolds: You invited us.

Melissa McCarthy: Yes! Yes, I did.

Blake Lively: Do we get seats? Are you gonna get us seats?

Melissa McCarthy: Yes, you will get seats. You wanna watch it from back here. These are the good seats. [Melissa McCarthy starts walking away]  I may have been drinking when I invited them. So, it’s fine.

Joen: Maybe I should give them my seat?

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, don’t give it up. Here, [giving her a shot] The Livelys’ are fine. They can handle it. [Melissa McCarthy and Joen drinks the shot] Oh, dear god!

Joen: Whoo!

Melissa McCarthy: We gotta get past the paint. Okay, Joen, come on. Oh, here’s Mooney. [runs into Kyle Mooney] He just likes to stand here. [You’re gonna have to tell him he is your favorite cast member, or he won’t let us pass.

Joen: You are my favorite.

Kyle: Oh, thank you so much.

Melissa McCarthy: He tends to hang out.

[Kyle hugs Joen tightly]

Okay! Okay! Kyle! Kyle! Too much. Too much. [Joen is laughing] Kyle thinks anyone over 23 might be his mom. So he gets a little creepy sometimes. There’s a lot of stuff. No one has ever been down this stretch before. We’re just gonna say we’re hosting the show. [they run into HAIM] This is our musical guest. Here’s HAIM. Say hello, ladies. Hello, hello, we gotta go. Come up here. Be careful. If we lose you–

Joen: Oh, this way?

Melissa McCarthy: –I’m afraid they won’t pay me. so, get up the stairs, careful, careful. Now, you know where you are?

Joen: No.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay, wait.

Joen: Oh, my god!

Melissa McCarthy: That’s behind the band. You’re gonna host SNL. You’re a mom. You is kind, you is smart, you is important. Hit it!

Joen: Yay!

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Joen!

[Joen walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause] [Melissa McCarthy walks in after few seconds]

Melissa McCarthy: Happy Mother’s Day and thanks to all. Thanks to all the great kids for letting us be your mom. Now, read this part with me.

Melissa McCarthy and Joen: We have got a great show. HEIM is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back.

Lester Holt Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Lester Holt… Michael Che

Paul Ryan… Mikey day

[Starts with message video]

Male voice: We now return to NBC ‘Nightly News’ and part two of Lester Holt’s interview with president Donald J. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Lester Holt in the interview.]

Lester Holt: Hello, Mr. President. I know you’re a busy man, so, thank you for being here.

Donald Trump: Thank you for having me here, Jazz Man. Before we begin, I just need to know that I have your undying loyalty.

Lester Holt: You don’t, sir. Now, let’s get started. Clearly, the big story this week is James Comey.

Donald Trump: Okay, well first, all I can just say is that I won the election fair and square, and everyone knows that.

Lester Holt: Yes, Mr. President, you say that literally all the time.

Donald Trump: It’s one of my greatest hits and my fans love when I play the hits. It’s like when you go to a Beyoncé concert, they just wanna hear ‘Single Ladies.’ They wanna hear only ‘Single Ladies’, not that ‘Sandcastles’ crap. Okay?

Lester Holt: Okay, sir. But, back to James Comey. Your staff is insisting all week that you didn’t fire him because of the Russian investigation.

Donald Trump: No, I did.

Lester Holt: Wait, what?

Donald Trump: I fired him because of Russia. I thought, “He is investigating Russia. I don’t like that, I should fire him.”

Lester Holt: And you are just admitting that?

Donald Trump: Uh-huh.

Lester Holt: But that’s obstruction of justice.

Donald Trump: Sure. Okay.

Lester Holt: Wait, so, [talking to his team] did I get him? Is this all over? Oh, no I didn’t? Nothing matters? Absolutely nothing matters anymore?

Donald Trump: That’s right. Nothing’s going to stop me because I have the republicans in the palm of my hand. Look at this.

[Donald Trump rings a small bell] [Paul Ryan enters in a chef dress]

Paul Ryan: You called for ice cream, sir. Here’s two scoops.

[Paul Ryan passes a plate of ice cream to Donald Trump]

Lester Holt: Paul Ryan?

Paul Ryan: Yes, sir. I am so excited to be working with president Trump on an agenda that benefits–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Beat it, nerd. Just get the hell out of here, okay?

Paul Ryan: Whatever you say, Mr. Trump. He feeds me dog food.

[Paul Ryan leaves]

Lester Holt: Mr. President, let’s move on. After this week, many are drawing comparisons between you and Richard Nixon.

Donald Trump: No, no. I am nothing like Nixon because I am not a crook. Okay? Plus, I bet Nixon only got one scoop of ice cream for dessert. I get two scoops. Two scoops. Two scoops, okay?

Lester Holt: Of course, Mr. President. You are also very different from Nixon because he won the popular vote.

Donald Trump: Listen, O.J., you are being very mean. You don’t ask me about all the good things I did this week. For example, on Tuesday, I let Kellyanne out of her Crypt. Also, I invented a new phrase. Have you heard it? It’s called ‘Priming the pump.’

Lester Holt: You didn’t invent that, sir. That’s a very famous economic phrase.

Donald Trump: No, it’s not. It’s when I talk to myself about a half hour before Melania comes in so she can find it easily. Okay?

Lester Holt: [disgusted] Ew! That is not what ‘Priming the Pump’ means. And you have just earned yourself and Anderson Cooper eye roll. Andy, take it away.

[Anderson Cooper appears in a small box at left bottom corner of the screen. He does the eye roll.]

Thanks Coop. Now, Mr. President, on Thursday you tweeted that James Comey better hope you don’t have tapes of your private conversation. Did you secretly tape him?

Donald Trump: Listen, Kenan, I don’t know. Practically, I tape a lot of people. I tape whoever I want, whatever I want. Some people have called me a serial tapist. And it’s sure, I am. When you’re president, they let you do it.

Lester Holt: Okay, moving on. A lot of people are worried about who you will replace James Comey with at FBI. Can you reassure us all that you’re not gonna pick someone crazy like judge Judy?

Donald Trump: I can promise you this right now, whoever I choose is going to be so bonkers, you’re gonna wish like it was Judge Judy, okay?

Lester Holt: Okay, Mr. Trump, are you trolling us? Because this week, you also met with the Russian Ambassador in the oval office. You must have known the optics that would be terrible.

Donald Trump: Come on! Do you think I care about optics? Look at me. I sit on every chair like it’s a toilet. Okay?

Lester Holt: It’s a good point, sir. But in the future, can you stop and think about the optics? Because every single day, it’s something nuts. Your presidency is like the craziest show on TV and it’s on 24 hours a day, and we can’t keep up.

Donald Trump: Well, too bad because this show is gonna run for eight years. Okay? Even though it should have been canceled months ago, but don’t worry. We have plenty of fun plot twists coming up. A lot of your favorite characters will be coming back. Kim Jung-Un, Carter Page, even that psycho Steve Miller, okay? Also, I don’t want to give away too much. But in an up coming episode, we will find it if Kellyanne has been dead this whole time. Okay?

Lester Holt: Well, thank you for being here sir. On behalf of every, I just wanna say I can’t believe you are president.

Donald Trump: I feel you, Tupac.  And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Kyle and Leslie

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kyle Mooney walking in the streets]

Kyle narrating: I’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted very long. And even now that I’ve found my soulmate, it’s taken work to keep that connection solid. And I think that’s kind of where Leslie and I are right now. We got a lot of work to do.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. Leslie is getting ready.]

Leslie: Okay, babe, I gotta go to this photoshoot thing.

Kyle: Okay. Do you know when you’ll be back?

Leslie: I don’t know. Later. Gotta go.

[Leslie walks out]

Kyle: I love you baby.

Kyle narrating: I mean there have definitely been some wonderful moments. Um, we had little wedding thing with everyone which was amazing. [Cut to video clip of Kyle and Leslie getting married and all their colleagues are dancing]

Kyle: It’s official we’re married!

Kyle narrating: You know, I remember when my parents came into my room when I was nine. And they told me that they were getting a divorce. And I don’t want that to happen to me and Leslie. And I definitely don’t that to happen to our kid. Little Lorne.

[Cut to Kyle getting his son to sleep]

Kyle: Goodnight, bud.

Leslie narrating: I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, I love my family, okay? I’m just busy. The show, movies, interviews, stand up. It’s a lot. And Kyle, he’s not busy. He’s barely on the show. And what has he done in the last year? “Neighbors 2”? Come on, man!

Kyle narrating: So many people come up to me and they’re like, “Hey, were you in Neighbors 2?” And I’m like, “Yes!” Awesome!

[Cut to Kyle talking in the studio with their son]

Kyle: Hey, can we talk?

Leslie: [whispering] Hey, what are you doing here? I am rehearsing.

Kyle: Why didn’t come home last night?

Leslie: It got late. I was writing, I slept at the office.

Kyle: With Colin?

Leslie: Oh, my god! Yes, but you know it’s not like that.

Kyle: Baby, I think we need to get help. I really do.

Leslie: Oh my god! Kyle, I’m not having this conversation with you right now.

Kyle: Fine. Okay. Just don’t forget tomorrow is little Lorne’s recital and you promised you wouldn’t miss it.

Leslie: I know. I will be there.

[Leslie walks towards her work]

Leslie narrating: Kyle’s been trying to get us to see someone to talk to about our problems. I don’t need someone telling me how to live my life.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie sitting on a couch. Kyle is holding Leslie’s hand.]

Kyle: Okay, I guess I’ll start. I cry after sex. I love her. It’s an emotional experience for me so I cry.

Leslie: And I feel that makes him a little bitch.

[Cut to Melissa McCarthy listening to them not knowing how to respond.]

Melissa: Guys, I don’t want to know this stuff. I just want to memorize my lines.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie in hallway]

Leslie: Well, I gotta work late tonight, okay? I’ll see you later.

[Leslie walks away]

Kyle: Bye, Leslie.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Well, tonight is the big recital. I’m actually pretty nervous but Little Lorne will be great. I’m a proud dad.

[Cut to Little Lorne playing piano on. Kyle is watching his son, but he is also waiting for Leslie on way in.] [audience cheer for Little Lorne.] [Leslie and Colin run in late]

Leslie: Oh my god! Did we miss it?

Colin: I’m so sorry. We were working on a script and got carried away. It’s my fault.

[Kyle runs to them]

Kyle: [bleep] you, Colin! [Kyle pulls out a gun and shoots at Colin’s leg] [Everyone is running. Lorne Michaels is looking at the panic.]

Lorne narrating: I don’t usually support caste members shooting each other, but I mean, Colin can be annoying.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie narrating ]

Kyle: Well, it’s been a pretty crazy week. Colin ended up surviving which is awesome.

Leslie: And you know what else survived? Our love.

Kyle: Also, we’re having another baby. And we’re gonna name him Weekend…

Leslie: Update!

Game Show

Kurt Burton… Mikey Day

Don… Kate McKinnon

Todd… Bobby Moynihan

Marcie… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with three contestants ready to play a TV game show]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s sweetest game show. ‘Just Desserts!’ And here’s your host, Kurt Burton.

[Kurt Burton walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kurt Burton: Ho-ho! Alright! Welcome to ‘Just Desserts.’ I’m your host, Kurt Burton. And today, three lucky contestants will be battling head to head to take the cake worth a yummy $50,000. Don, Todd and Marcie, one of you will be walking away winner.

Marcie: Whoo!

Kurt Burton: Ha-ha. marcie is excited. Now, you know how it works. We spin the board and you tell us when to stop. Land on a cash stack, and you’re richer than chocolate mousse. Or, land on a pie or cake, and you’ll be in a very sticky situation. Marcie, you won the coin toss back stage. So, you will start ups up by spinning that board.

Marcie: Okay, baby! Come on, cash stacks. Mama wants big old cash stack. No pies. No pies. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Oh, that’s pie.

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

A pie on the first pick.

Marcie: Is there a towel?

Kurt Burton: No, there is not. Todd, you’re up.

Todd: Cash, no pies. Come on! Cash, no pies. And stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh, 500 bucks and a pass a pie to the left. Marcie, you get pied.

Marcie: Wait! Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, you’re up.

Don: Ooh! Me want the cash stacks. I don’t want pies or cakes. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Ooh! $5,000 big ones, plus a take a cake. Take a cakes go to the right, so Marcie, happy birthday.

Marcie: Wait, what do you mean?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: And Don, choose your topic.

Don: Everybody loves sprinkles.

[A confetti is blasted on Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Alright. And finally, let’s blow out those candles.

[a blower is used on Marcie’s face]

Marcie: Ah! Ah! Ooh! Argh!

Kurt Burton: Alright. Marcie, you’re up.

Marcie: I can’t! I don’t see anything.

Kurt Burton: Marcie, just tell us when to stop.
Marcie: Stop.

Kurt Burton: Okay, Marcie, you did run out of time. And that means you get an out of time pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Whow! What a yummy first round. Let’s meet our players. Don Hamill, a dentist from Tacoma. Todd Spratt, a graphic designer from Cleveland. And Marcie Hill, a stay at home mother of none from Orlando. Marcie had a little trouble that round, huh?

Marcie: I did. I did. Yeah.

Kurt Burton: What do you think tripped you up?

Marcie: Um, I have to say the pies! I couldn’t see, hear and for most part, could not breathe out of either of these. Yeah, the pies got me. Ha-ha.

Kurt Burton: Yeah. The pies got you. Well, remember Marcie, it will cost you a turn and 100 big ones, but you can always ask for a clean up.

Marcie: Right. You know what? I completely forgot about the option because of the pie.

Kurt Burton: Well, let’s hope in round two it’s all cash stacks and no messy treats. And remember, this round prize and pie amounts are double dipped. Don, you are in lead with 5,000 big ones. Todd’s in the second with 500. And Marcie, you’re in third with zero big ones which means you get a zero pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, start us off.

Don: Okay, cash stacks me want some, pies and cakes me don’t! Stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh! Pie!

Don: I’ll buy the pie.

Kurt Burton: Don, that’s your pie to pass. You can say the–

Don: Kurt, I’m gonna pass that pie to Marcie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.] Oh!

Kurt Burton: And, since this round is double dipped, that’s two for you.

Marcie: What? [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Might be a good time for a wife off, Marcie.

Marcie: Oh, yes. Clean up.

Kurt Burton: Alright. Here it comes.

[two pipes are spraying water to Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Marcie, you chose clean up. That means you will lose your next turn.

Marcie: Oh, wait. It’s probably for the best.

Kurt Burton: It’s also going to cost you 100 big ones, but since your bank is empty, you pay in pie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Looks like we gotta take a break. Coming up, bigger stacks of cash and thicker, denser pies.

Marcie: Oh, god! No! No! Not with crust. Now with crust.

Kurt Burton: Only on, ‘Just Desserts!’

First Birthday

Melissa Villaseñor

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa McCarthy

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a group of women having a baby’s birthday party.]

Melissa Villaseñor: The kids are finally outside.

Sasheer: Great party, Jen.

Melissa Villaseñor: Thanks, guys. I know we just moved here so I really appreciate the neighborhood moms helping us celebrate little Jeremy’s first birthday. We feel really welcomed.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, well we remember what it’s like to be a young mom in a new town. And look, you have a great house and a great family. Now all you need is your animal.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, we don’t want a pet.

Sasheer: No, not a pet, silly. Your mom animal. You know, the one animal that every mom adopts as a symbol of her personality.

Melissa Villaseñor: Wait, animal?

All: Yes, your animal.

Cecily: Your animal makes everything easier. No more, what music does she like? How are her hobbies? Now, I’m just pigs. I’m done.

Melissa McCarthy: Once you embrace your animal, everything changes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting at home and a voice said to me, “Your son is heading into a very important meeting.” So I chose that exact moment to call him and tell him about a girl he barely knew that had died.

Melissa Villaseñor: That seems like an inconvenient time to call.

Melissa McCarthy: I know. But I did it anyway because it was my dolphin nature.

Sasheer: I remember when I embraced my animal. Suddenly, whenever someone complimented my clothing, I respond with where I got it and how much it costs.

Leslie: Sheryl, I love that sweater.

Sasheer: Vera Wang, KOHLS, $2, jungle cats.

Melissa Villaseñor: So, how do you pick your animal?

[women laughing]

Kate: Silly girl. You seek an answer yet you do not even know the question. A deep and complex reason for your animal will come to you. For example, I think ladybugs are nice.

Leslie: My thing is angels.

Melissa Villaseñor: Um, I guess I’m just confused.

Vanessa: My animal came to me in a dream. I dreamt, I flew on great white wings. We sailed over my worries and soared over the Costco. Finally, we landed in the parking lot of the Panera Bread. And there he was, a majestic goose wearing a little hat. We made love that night.

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay. I’m sorry. But this sounds crazy. I don’t see how any of this applies to me.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, really? Well, let me ask you this. Why does this pillow have a country chicken on it?

Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t know. I just bought it.

Melissa McCarthy: You bought the chicken or you becoming the chicken?

Sasheer: Ladies, the animal is coming.

Melissa Villaseñor: No. No, I’ll never be like you.

Aidy: What has been put in motion cannot be undone. Soon, you’ll take your iPad to museum because your iPad is your camera.

Vanessa: All of your emails will begin with forward, forward, forward.

Melissa McCarthy: You’ll carry a nice purse and ruin it with a Purell key chain.

[All women start making their animal sound]

Leslie: I’m an angel!

[Now, Melissa Villaseñor is holding a chicken toy, wearing a chicken t-shirt]

Sasheer: Welcome, sister.

Leslie: I love you pin.

Melissa Villaseñor: The TJ Maxx by the hospital, 50 cents. Chickens!