Stepmom… Amy Schumer[Starts with Micahel Che in his news set. There’s a picture Rudy Giuliani at right top corner.]
Micahel Che: Exactly two days after Rudy Giuliani left the law firm of Greenbert–[A woman sneaks in and whispers. She is Micahel Che’s stepmom.]
Stepmom: I don’t want to interrupt. [cheers and applause]
Micahel Che: Mom, what are you?[Stepmom gives Micahel Che a file of medicine]
Stepmom: I’m so sorry. I’m not even here. Don’t even look at me.[Stepmom tries to walk away but Micahel Che holds her there.]
Micahel Che: This is not. Look, thanks.[Stepmom takes the file of medicine and takes one tablet out.]
Stepmom: Pop it out. Pop it out later if it–
Micahel Che: Thanks.
Stepmom: I just thought you might need a claritin coz you’re getting a little froggy.
Micahel Che: Guys, this is my stepmother. Everybody.
Stepmom: Hey, guys. I have to say, I think you meant to say world’s proudest step mom. [pointing at her shirt. She has printed baby picture of Micahel Che and it has written “Proudest Step Mom” on it.] Did you mean to say that? Did you mean to say that?
Micahel Che: Yeah. I guess I did.
Stepmom: See this old guy? You remember him? Now, you may not have grown in my tummy, but I loved putting you right around my tummy. I love that so much.
Micahel Che: You want a chair?
Micahel Che: Can we get a chair?
Stepmom: No, I’m not gonna use it. What am I gonna sit down next to you? That would be crazy. [Stepmom takes the seat] I can’t do that. What kind of show would it be? [Stepmom holds Micahel Che’s shoulder] Where did these shoulders come from? Just keep going. You were doing a joke about Judy. Judy Rudiani. And I don’t know who she is but I can’t wait to laugh.
Micahel Che: Alright, yeah. I’ll try the joke. [Rudy Giuliani’s picture appears at top right corner. The picture covers Stepmom’s face.] This week, Rudy Giuliani resigned… [Stepmom has already started laughing] from the law firm…
Stepmom: [Stepmom acting like her body is Rudy Giuliani’s body below the picture.]Oh, I have my different head. How did you do that? How did you do that?
Micahel Che: You did it. I didn’t even say the joke.
Stepmom: Everything you say is just– Oh, I’m in stitches. In stitches all the time.
Micahel Che: Umm.
Stepmom: You’re just very funny. Colin, were we cracking up or what?[Colin Jost is nodding his head yes]
Look at Colin. Look at him cracking up.
Colin Jost: Yeah, no. It’s–
Stepmom: He’s like, “What?”
Colin Jost: Yeah. It was very funny joke, Michael. I loved that joke.
Stepmom: See? I told you. He thinks you’re so much funnier.
Micahel Che: Don’t. Mom, law firm was just a set up. It wasn’t the actual joke.
Stepmom: Well, I say law firm. Firm, you rascal, right? I’d say what? I always knew what you were doing in your room but I never wanted to intrude coz I respect you. Loo, you know what? [Stepmom rubs Micahel Che’s cheek] You’ve got something, what is on your face? [Stepmom kisses on his cheek] It’s me! It’s me!
Micahel Che: Yup.
Stepmom: Right? Right there. Ooh. [kisses her own hands.] I can’t help it. Delicious.
Micahel Che: Yup.
Stepmom: Okay. They want more. I’m not even here. You gotta meeting out of your palm like you got it full of cheese. Fist full of cheese. So you just go ahead and–
Micahel Che: I’ll try the next one.
Stepmom: Oh, do it. Do it. You can do it.
Micahel Che: Okay, mom. [A picture of Monica Lewinsky appears on right top corner. The picture covers Stepmom’s face again.]Town&Country magazine apologized to–
Stepmom: [starts laughing] Oh my god. You know what?
Micahel Che: No.
Stepmom: No? Neither do I. That’s what so amazing. Oh, my god. Sometimes I just look at that face and I go, “I love every bit about it.” Everything about it. Colin, did you know– this was probably relevant to what you guys are talking about. In the third grade, Michael read a poem about horseshoe crabs. And there was not a.. what?
Micahel Che: Dry eye in the room.
Stepmom: Dry eye in the room. In the room. And I’m– maybe– I don’t wanna do that but all I’m saying is horseshoe crabs have very limited lifespan. And I know that because of you. Very limited lifespans.
Micahel Che: Okay. We really do need to get on with this.
Stepmom: Okay. Well, you better. You know Colin, when Michael was little, did you know that he had very juicy little buns. [Colin Jost is listening to her like he is very interested] And they’re still juicy. But I can’t– They’re different now. And you also– you know. You also, I’m sure, have very juicy buns. I’ve seen you in bike shorts and it kind of looked terrific.
Micahel Che: Mom!
Colin Jost: Well, thank you. That actually means a lot to me.
Micahel Che: Mom, I have an idea. I have an idea. How about–
Stepmom: It’s gonna be funny.
Micahel Che: — you read a joke.
Stepmom: No. I can’t do that.
Micahel Che: Yeah. Oh, please do. [audience cheering] I think they wanna hear it. Yeah. [pointing at cue cards] You just read that part right there.
Stepmom: Okay. You know what? I just have to without my cheaters. I can’t really. Let me just see what I can.
Micahel Che: I’m sure he’ll bring the card closer if–[Stepmom slides away, out and in front of the news table.]
Stepmom: No, I don’t wanna trouble anybody. Let me just see. That is still not. Let me just–
Micahel Che: No, well. I don’t think you have to do ll that.[Stepmom stands and walks towards the camera]
Stepmom: You know what? If I–
Micahel Che: Yeah, not you’re pretty close now. Okay.
Stepmom: It says here ‘Come into focus.’ I got it.[Stepmom is too close to the camera. Her face covers everything behind her.]
Okay. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day to the best– oh boy. To the best stepmom in the world. Oh, boy. Did you write that for me?
Micahel Che: Yeah, I did.
Stepmom: [crying] That’s wonderful. That’s so wonderful.
Micahel Che: My stepmom, everybody.[Stepmom walks out] [cheers and applause]
For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.