Tag: episode 21

Womens Commercial

[Starts with three women standing and talking on camera]

Chloe: I want to express myself because I’m young and hard and I want to show it.

Melissa: And I want to look as young as I feel.

Sarah: But anti aging creams and hair dyes have harmful chemicals that just aren’t me.

Melissa: Because I’m eco friendly and a little funky too.

All: What did we do?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Both: Sounds like you need gray adult pigtails.

Kate: Number one hairstyle for whimsical women of a certain age.

Aidy: Whether you’re a puppeteer…

Kate: A pet psychic…

Aidy: Or someone’s aunt’s therapists wife.

Kate: You need a hairstyle that says “People are going to be talking about me for years after meeting me for five minutes.”

Aidy: Because you’re unique.

Kate: You love art.

Aidy: And you want people to see you and think “Got it.”

Kate: So grab two elastics and change your life with gray adult pigtails.

Aidy: Because you never stopped smoking pot. Why should your hair? Pair it with…

Kate: A Cranberries t shirt…

Aidy: Children’s to-to…

Kate: This bag.

Aidy: Denim overalls, naked underneath…

Kate: And Rasta hat in culturally neutral color.

[cut to Heidi]

Heidi: You wish you could be this whimsical? I look how incense smells. I grow all my own food but my electric bill for twinkle lights would blow your mind.

[Cut to Natasha]

Natasha: I have a boyfriend who comes over once a week. He lives in the woods, keeps bongos in his truck and is very much a sculptor.

[boyfriend walks in]

Richard: Hey, pussycat.

Natasha: Richard baby, how’d you sculpt and go today?

Richard: Hmm, I don’t know. [pulls in a bad sculpture] Do these sharp rusty beauties answer your question?

Natasha: Oh, Richard baby. You’re a genius. I love your mind even more than your body.

Richard: And you know what else she loves? My great adult pig tail [showing his pigtail beard].

Natasha: That’s right, they’re not just for ladies. They’re for Richard too.

[cut back to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: You are married to that golf playing doctor for way too long. You want to attract the right kind of man.

Aidy: When I put my gray hair way up high, I immediately got an amazing boyfriend.

Kate: Me too. The same one.

[Richard walks in]

Aidy: Yeah, we’re all dating Richard. He’s like if a guy was magic and we’ll love him forever.

Kate: Nine years ago, we met at a white Buddhist temple for swingers.

Aidy: Yeah, and he’s a freak for these gray adult pigtails.

Richard: What can I say? Can’t ride a bike with no handle bars.

All: [blushing] Come on, Richard!

[Asian girl walks in]

Asian girl: Are we talking about piggy ties?

[cheers and applause]

Look what I made. It’s an extremely sharp metal guitar.

Kate: You know what we should do. Let’s blow the metal roof off this place. Hit it.

[asian girl playing guitar]

All: [singing] The seasons, they go round and round
and the painted moldings, they go up and down

Male voice: Grey adult pigtails. Find them at any natural health booster?

Weekend Update Trend Forecasters on Summer Trends

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost summer and as the weather changes, so do styles and trends. Here to comment on what’s in for summer or to trend forecasters.

[Trend forecasters slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Aidy: Yes, here we go now.

Michael Che: Thanks for coming back. I can see you’re ready for warm weather.

Aidy: Yes. We had a meeting this morning with the Sun.

Bowen: We typed what it told us into our big throbbing computer. Here is the report.

[music playing]

Aidy: Our first category is summer fruit trends.

Bowen: In, grapes with seeds.

Aidy: In, tying cherry stem with tongue to impress for sex.

Bowen: In, watermelon sugar song. And out…

Aidy and Bowen: Navel orange.

Bowen: Navel orange? Eww! Why do you have a belly button? You’re a fruit!

Aidy: What’s next? Honey  doos with C section scar?

Aidy and Bowen: Navel orange, go to bed, bitch.

Michael Che: Why do you guys always have to yell?

Aidy: Because if we whisper, no one listens. Our next category is greeting trends in. In, hey.

Bowen: In, Catherine?

Aidy: In, come on in guys. Welcome to Hooters.

Bowen: And out…

Aidy and Bowen: This is your captain speaking.

Bowen: Huh? No! You’re flying a plane, not hosting a podcast.

Aidy: You’re a pilot. Captains are for boats, you sky bitch!

Bowen: By the way, your girl workers are giving me vodka back here. We’re having an amazing time without you.

Aidy and Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Go to bed, bitch.

Michael Che: Are you both okay? Are you okay?

[Aidy screams]

Aidy: Oh, no. We’re terrified. Because the next category is here.

Aidy and Bowen: Time trends.

Aidy: In 3:25 PM.

Bowen: In, about 10 to 15 minutes.

Aidy: In, midnight when you turn to pumpkin.

Bowen: And out…

Aidy and Bowen: When the kitchen is closed.

Bowen: Well, the kitchen’s closed? Well, how interesting. I can see people moving around back there.

Aidy: All I want is a complicated dish that’s not on the menu and I’m allergic to everything.

Bowen: The kitchen’s closed?

Aidy and Bowen: Go to bed, bitch.

Michael Che: Yeah. I love when you guys come but I never understand anything you are saying.

Aidy: Well, good. Than just enjoy the view, Mr. Che.

Bowen: And pay attention to future trends.

Aidy: In, 10 nice years.

Bowen: In, a friend I couldn’t have done this without.

Aidy: And wow, look who’s back. In.

Bowen: It’s navel orange, we love your girl.

Aidy: Congratulations, naval orange.

[clapping]

Michael Che: Wait. So, what’s gonna be out in the future?

Aidy: Well Michael, the computer has ousted three trends.

Bowen: And you know they have to be a victor to hell.

Aidy: Out, is pretty little bouquet…

Bowen: Expensive tiara…

Aidy and Bowen: And Michael che.

[Michael Che is holding a pretty little bouquet and wearing a tiara]

Michael Che: [screaming] No!

Aidy: But, I’m just hearing. Something new is in. In, my best guys kissing me.

Bowen: Well, then we must.

[Michael Che and Bowen kiss Aidy on her cheeks]

Michael Che: Trend forecasters, everybody.

Aidy: We love you.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Says Goodbye for Now

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: well guys, it is the final episode of the season. Here to talk about it is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey. Thank you. Hello. Thanks. Hello Colin and Che, and millions of people only watching to see if I bring up Kanye.

Colin Jost: Yeh, Pete, you’ve had a weird year.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, little bit. Yeah. I just I never imagined this would be my life. You know? I mean, look at me when I started here. [a picture of Pete Davidson when he just started appears on left top corner] Like back then, I was just like a skinny kid and no one knew what race I was. And like now, everyone knows him white because I became hugely successful while barely showing up to work. Like live with me now, I’m aging like an old banana. And Colin still looks like the only Kennedy who doesn’t drink.

Colin Jost: Thanks, Pete. So are you officially leaving?

Pete Davidson:  Yeah, man. Lorne accidentally gifted me a sock, so I’m free.

Colin Jost: Has a lot has changed since you started here?

Pete Davidson: A lot has changed. In three years, Fox News went from calling me a monster for making fun of Congressman Dan Crenshaw’s eyepatch to also making fun of Dan Crenshaw as I patch. Tucker Carlson called him “Eyepatch McCain”. That’s two veterans in one insult. Geez Colin, your dad’s a dick.

Colin Jost: Actually, Pete, I’m not related to Tucker Carlson.

Pete Davidson: Well, I learned something new every day. But In fairness, though, to what I originally said, because clearly it still bothers me, what I was saying, I was simply making a joke about someone’s appearance without realizing that the medical condition behind it was a sensitive issue, which is an SNL alumni tradition. [picture of Chris Rock getting smacked by Will Smith appears on left top corner] Hear, on one hand, I don’t like that people think they could just run up on stage and hit a comedian, but on the other, it’s how I know all my shows will now be sold out.

Colin Jost: Pete Is there anything you’re gonna miss about this place?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah, Lorne, for sure. He’s amazing. He’s led us through the COVID era, even though the only time he wears a mask is that his Eyes Wide Shut parties. Yeah. He always gives the best advice. Really, this is all true advice that Lorne has given me. I’ll never forget this. I called him and said— When I got engaged, I said, “Lorne, I just got engaged to Ariana Grande after dating for two weeks.” And he said, “Oh, hold on for dear life.” It’s a true thing. And then I remember when I auditioned for SNL, he looked me right in the eye and said, “I don’t know. I don’t think you’re right for this show. So let’s screw this up together.” And that’s exactly what we did. And that’s why people who don’t think I deserve this job shouldn’t hate me since we have so much in common. Like, if anything, I should inspire hope, you know, like that literally anyone could be on Saturday Night Live. Seriously, you see a guy bumming cigarettes outside of 7Eleven at 2 AM? That’s not some meth head. That’s the next Pete Davidson.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m gonna miss you, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Oh, well, thanks, Colin. Even though I know it says that on your cue card. You’ve been like an older brother to me. In the way that my mom openly loves you more than she does me. And I appreciate SNL always having my back and allowed me to work on myself and grow. And you know, thank you to Lorne for never giving up on me or, you know, judging me even when like everyone else was and for believing in me and allowing me to have a place that I can call home with the memories that will last a lifetime. So thank you guys.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Romantic Summer Getaways

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well with COVID restrictions relaxing, many Americans are planning to travel abroad this summer. Here with his tips for romantic international getaways is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

[cheers and applause]

The guy: Bonjour Co-Jo. Molto bellissima. Guess who’s got two tickets to bump and thighs Yes.

Colin Jost: All right, man. I’m already regretting this, but let’s hear some of your travel tips.

The guy: You gotta Co-JJ. Now let’s talk best plays to get the best lays on vacays, okay? Take your new girl to the old world. The South of France is perfect for mouth in pants. And if a nude beach is an appealing feat, head down to the French riviera to see knees cans. Soon she’ll want you to be like Napoleon and bone her parts. I have a small penis. But don’t just stay in France amigos, as many women have told me you’ve actually got to move around down there. So hop a train. Euro rail is your ticket to Euro tail. So many choice stops, maybe try Berlin to rail her in. And before you know it, you’ll be exploring her black forest and she’ll be moaning in your ear “This is the worst thing to ever happen in Germany.”

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Come on, man.

The guy: Oh yeah. Come on, I shall. Now if you don’t want to be an Algo Americano, you got to blend in with the low calls Jost. So grab a guidebook and remember, Rick Steves leads to slick bebes. And there’s nothing scarier than a language barrier, a little Duolingo and you’ll be doing Lingus. [foreign language] Mi jamon es muy pequeñito.

Colin Jost: Your ham is tiny?

The guy: Si, abuelita. Speaking of small servings, head to Barcelona and sample the local tap ass or bounce over to the Amalfi, Jost. We’re talking Italy, okay? And to get your bologna into some pussa-tano, don’t forget about her Naples, if you want her to gobble goo.

Colin Jost: Hh my god.

The guy: We made it.

Colin Jost: Some people are like, visibly sick. Why would any woman want to be with you?

The guy: Well, I have to admit Co-Jo, I have driven many lady to the Isle of Lesbos.

Colin Jost: Oh, man.

The guy: In my boat Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Guy had just bought a boat everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Black Market Baby Formula Trumps New Book on 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]

Well, at last year’s finale, it seemed like COVID was fading. And I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever. And now summer’s hottest STD is monkeypox. That’s how weird and bad things have gone. The stock market is crashing. There’s a war in Europe. Everyone on This Is Is is about to croak. The future is looking pretty bleak. I mean, you’d have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now. I mean, I just did, but don’t worry, I’ve been hoarding baby formula.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Recent report shows that Fox News hosts Tucker Carlson seen here bragging about how big it is has repeatedly pushed the theory that Democrats want to replace white people with minorities. But that doesn’t even make sense because white people still exist. It’s not like they suddenly turn into minorities, unless it’s Halloween. Tucker Carlson has got a lot of nerve pushing these wild conspiracy theories, because if he thinks the government has a secret block to help minorities, well, he must be smoking that crack the CIA secretly put in black neighborhoods.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Liz Cheney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Liz Cheney attack the House GOP leadership saying they’ve enabled white supremacy and anti semitism. House leadership rejected Cheney’s attacks, calling them “cheaper than a black rabbi.”

[picture changes to Doug Mastraino]

Right wing right wing election denier Doug Mastriano, whose face appears to be photoshopped onto a hot dog won the Pennsylvania Republican primary for governor and said if he’s elected, he would be so far to the right, he would make Ron DeSantis look like a centrist instead of what DeSantis looks like now, my dad watching me in the school musical.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Elon Musk at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Elon Musk defended himself from allegations that he reportedly exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet saying, “If I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment, this is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30 year career that it comes to light.” Oh, sorry, we were looking for a symbol did not do it. The answer was did not do it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Republicans in Georgia are concerned that Donald Trump has endorsed candidates in the primaries who aren’t qualified. For instance, his pick for attorney general is literally 90s action star Steven Seagal. Now that’s not true. But what does it say about Trump that you didn’t doubt it for a second?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article saying “Rich families buying black market formula” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rich parents across the country are reportedly stocking up on black market baby formula, which I assume is formula that was supposed to go to black markets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at NYU’s graduation ceremony this week, because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift. You’re still going to be paying for a decades later.

[Cut to Michael Che.There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former President Trump announced that he is writing a book about alleged voter fraud in the presidential election. The book will contain 8000 commas and no periods.

Weekend Update Arbys Manager Arrested 82yearold College Graduate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There are pictures of Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Fairmont plus announced they are making a new Yellowstone prequel series that will start Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren. The 79 year old Ford will play a wealthy ranch owner while the 76 year old Mirren will play his grandmother.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Mississippi at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report shows that the state with the highest obesity rate in the country is Mississippi. It’s gotten so bad, doctors had to remove its foot. [the map of Mississippi loses the bottom part]

[picture changes to a Frontier Airlines]

An attendant on a Frontier Airlines flight helped deliver a passengers baby while heading to Florida, because on Frontier, it’s not even worth asking if anyone on board is adopted.

Michael Che: Queen Elizabeth made a surprise public appearance this week at the opening of a new train line in London after Prince Charles tied her to the tracks. It’s not real.

[picture changes to a painting]

A painting by Pablo Picasso portraying his lover as a sea creature was sold at auction for $67 million. It’s a beautiful abstract expression of his love and admiration that he named Teddy squid.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TikTok logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There are growing number of nuns who are joining TikTok to show with life in a convent is really like, because when the Catholic Church tries to connect with young people, it always goes well.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Students post picture spelling N word”]

Well, This will get you back. A school district in Florida is investigating a picture posted online of students spelling out the N word. It’s a shocking instance of Florida students being able to spell.

[Picture changes to Arby’s drink]

A manager of an Arby’s in Washington– This is a terrible transition. A manager of an Arby’s in Washington has been arrested for distributing child porn. If convicted, he could face up to 20 years as a manager at Subway. The man also told police that he urinated in milkshakes for his own sexual gratification. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the milkshakes tasted better.

[Cut to Arby’s commercial]

Male voice: Arby’s, we have the pee pee shakes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a mountain lion at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California hiker who was attacked by a mountain lion said that her dogs saved her life by jumping to her defense because after the dog, the mountain lion was way too full to eat anything else. It’s not real.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Woman discovers she had Michael Chend vagina” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A British woman discovered when she got pregnant that she had a second tiny vagina. Yeah, the butt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “82  year old woman graduates from college” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Maryland graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday. Apparently it took her so long because she’s very, very dumb. I’m gonna do another one. A woman in Maryland graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday, but I heard they only passed up because her roommate died.

Summer Gig

Treece… Kenan Thompson

Cassie… Natasha Lyonne

Brad…  Kyle Mooney

Helen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a band playing on a stage]

Treece: [singing] And so I pulled up my pants,
and I said, I see you at work.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Kingston residents inn. Once again, we are the Treece Henderson Trio. So glad that you joined our big kickoff to Summer Celebration. We got a hot show to get back to but before we do, my allergies are exploding. Can I ask if anyone has a little bit of Nasonex in their purse? Just a little squirt of Nasonex. Maybe the tiniest pump of Nasonex. It would really get me through this experience. I’ll put a condom on the nasal insert, so can it doesn’t get infected. Can I get that squirt? Am I speaking clearly? I have asked for Nasonex at least TreeceTreece times. Nasonex. Now,

Cassie: Nobody has it Treece.

Treece: Okay, fine.

[music playing]

[singing]Tweedledee rolled
Tweedledee bun,
soon we’ll eat hamburgers
in the summer sun

[Cassie playing harmonica really good]

Alright. Let’s meet the band. On keyboards it’s Brad Dates. And his last name is Dates, but he hasn’t had one in six years.

Brad: I’ve been married for 10, Treece. [playing keyboard]

Treece: Hey, this is just show pattern. I don’t know. Also here tonight. It’s Helen.

Helen: I’m Helen. I don’t play an instrument. I’m just here to dance.

Treece: Well, we love how it helps out the band. And finally on harmonica is my roommate and landlord, Cassie Marie.

Cassie: Watch me blow this [playing harmonica]

Brad: Yes. Cassie, yes.

Treece: Yes, that was fire, Cassie Marie. I thought you’d be phoning it in tonight considering the state I found you in this morning.

Cassie: Oh no. That’s between us, Treece. I told you everything’s fine.

Treece: Well, you were crying pretty hard in the car.

Cassie: Okay, Treece, I don’t want to talk about that here. My tears are my business.

Brad: Yeah, boundaries Treece.

Treece: But I care about her emotional state.

Cassie: Treece, zip it.

Treece: Okay fine!

[singing] summer tea this
vacation yes
put on a thong
and spread all of your summer sex

Cassie: Nice! [playing harmonica]

Treece: Alright, how is everybody doing tonight? How about you lovely couple?

Bowen: Oh, we’re not a couple. I’m gay and she’s my psychic.

Helen: Whoa.

Chloe: Yes. And the spirit world is telling me that your harmonica player is hiding something from you.

Treece: I knew it. Spill the beans Cassie Marie.

Cassie: Oh, there’s nothing to spill. And there’s no such thing as psychics.

Chloe: It’s someone with an R name.

Cassie: What?

Treece: What? So there is an R in your life. Is it R. Kelly? Steer clear.

Cassie: It is not R. Kelly?

Treece: Well, that’s good news.

[singing] Tweedledee hot
no days in school
I want to make friends
with somebody who has a pool

Chloe: Treece, I’m so sorry to interrupt, but Cassie is about to receive a Nest Cam alert.

Treece: Oh my goodness. Pull out your phone.

Cassie: Treece, you’re killing the vibe.

Treece: Just do it. [notification] It’s your Nest Cam. There’s someone in your front yard. She was right again.

Cassie: You twp, get out of here with your dental business.

Bowen: Oh no. I paid $4 for both of these seats. We’re not going anywhere honey.

Treece: Who is that in your yard? He’s wearing a t-shirt that says Ronald.

Brad: That’s an R name.

Cassie: Yes. It’s my ex, Ronald.

Treece: Well, that explains the T. Wait, what’s he doing now?

Cassie: He’s in a closet bedroom. Yes.

Treece: What? But that’s my closet bedroom. That’s where I put my fashion wear.

Cassie: He must think they’re mine. He’s going to burn them to get me back for dumping him.

Treece: Oh no, he has my Bottega Veneta fanny pack. You can’t burn that. That’s my Bottega Veneta.

Helen: But it’s a knock off, jeez.

Treece: Oh, you shut up.

Cassie: Treece, it’s just clothes.

Treece: You’re just clothes. and your ex boyfriend is about to Angela Bassett my Bottega Veneta and set it on fire and then just walk away and snap. Now you call them and tell them to stop.

Cassie: Okay, just for you Treece. [calling] Hello Ronald. What did you say to me? No, you’re garbage. I don’t care, burn every piece of clothing in that room if you want.

Treece: No! That was not the plan.

Cassie: I’m sorry Treece, I’ll buy you all new stuff tomorrow.

Treece: You can’t. You’re poorer than me. My Bottega Veneta!

[singing] Tweedledee hot
y’all full of bugs
I’m cutting you off from
all of my summer hugs

Cassie: No!

Treece: Yes!

PSA

Davis…  James Austin Johnson

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Skim… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Natasha Lyonne

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clips of different people]

Davis: My name is Davis. And I’m stupid.

Joanne: Hi, I’m Joanne. And for as long as I can remember. I’ve been a stupid person.

Skim: I’m scare. And my parents are both stupid. I’m stupid. And the grandson is stupid.

Kyle: Nearly one in five US adults live with a mental illness or learning disability.

Natasha: And we are not that. Believe me. They checked.

Davis: I’m just plain stupid.

Skim: I always knew I was different things. Things were obvious to everyone else were always very complicated for me.

Joanne: Jokes have to be explained. Movies have to be explained. Foods have to be explained. Slowly.

Cecily: [speaking on larynx Device] I don’t need this thing. I just thought it sounded cool. I guess that’s stupid.

Natasha: Most people like me go their whole lives without ever knowing they’re stupid. But we’re everywhere. We drive your buses, we run companies.

Davis: I write laws.

Kyle: And I don’t even know what I do.

Cecily: I found out I was stupid walking full speed into a glass window. A stained glass window.

Davis: Sarcasm just sounds like lies to me.

Joanne: Being stupid is not a choice.

Cecily: [on larynx device]It’s not a choice.

Skim: It’s a choice.

Natasha: Just because you are a stupid person doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice. So get out there.

Cecily: Get out there.

Natasha: And vote.

Davis: And vote. Let your voice be heard.

Skim: Vote.

Cecily: Vote.

Kyle: I’m stupid. And I vote.

Natasha: I vote. And I am very stupid.

Skim: Wait. This ain’t my grandson.

Joanne: Because my stupid vote counts as much as anybody else’s.

Cecily: And sometimes, way more like, in my county.

Natasha: So don’t let them stop you.

Davis: Don’t let them confuse you.

Skim: Somebody will say something. And then somebody else says something else. It’s just a match.

Cecily: You can vote. You can buy a gun.

Natasha: You can buy all the guns.

Davis: I watch one channel and I get so mad.

Joanne: My son’s wife is a smart person. She’s tearing us apart. Vote.

Davis: Get out there.

Skim: Vote every day if you have to.

Cecily: It’s not like they ask if you’re stupid.

Natasha: Nobody should have to learn things if they don’t want to.

Skim: I vote for donkey. But sometimes I like elephant.

Cecily: I want a candidate that smiles at me.

Joanne: The computer screen said prove you’re not a robot. So I cut myself.

Skim: Somebody will see a joke. And I’m like, is that real?

Natasha: My screen time is 14 hours a day. But they don’t know. I have another phone.

Davis: Vote.

Skim: Vote.

Kyle: volt!

Cecily: Dance.

Joanne: Vote for a tall man.

Natasha: Vote because they give you a sticker and you can put it anywhere.

Skim: Wait, this is my grandson.

 

Natasha Lyonne Monologue

Natasha Lyonne

Maya Rudolph

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Natasha Lyonne.

[Natasha Lyonne walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Natasha Lyonne: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Natasha Leone. And I also wish I was Harry Styles. Gosh. Will you look at this? I’m hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live.

[cheers and applause]

For a real New Yorker like me, that’s big. I have a show called Russian Doll. [cheers and applause] Yes. The second season of Russian Doll just premiered on Netflix. And two things you definitely want to be associated with right now are Russia and Netflix. It’s my first time hosting and I’m genuinely humbled to be here. The truth is, I feel a cosmic connection to SNL. The people here are my real life chosen family. I’ve been coming here since I was a teenager. I co-created Russian doll with Amy Poehler and I have great friends.

[cheers and applause]

[Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen walk in]

Fred Armisen: Hey, are you busy?

Natasha Lyonne: Right now? No, not at all.

Fred Armisen: Okay, good. I thought maybe we could try our Natasha Leone impressions for you.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, we do. really good impressions of you, just not when you’re around.

Fred Armisen: [impersonating Natasha Lyonne] [talking gibberish] Congratulations. If so facto.

Maya Rudolph: That’s good. [impersonating Natasha Lyonne] Yeah, how are you? Alright? It’s a dynamite sweater. Cockaroach.

Fred Armisen: Okay, bye.

Maya Rudolph: Bye.

Natasha Lyonne: Alright. Freddie and I, we dated for seven years. Yeah, we’re the only couple who have sex tape nobody wanted a buy. God, I love this place. You see, SNL combines everything I like. New York City, show business, people who have done the same thing since the 70s and different unions fighting. Yeah, I love it. I mean, I’m a New York City kid and a showbiz baby. Weird story, but while I have you, listen to this. I’m born in New York, doesn’t matter what year, early 80s probably. Everything is brown. Most automobiles are long and banana colored. My parents get this big idea that I have a future and show business. So I start auditioning. A lot of casting directors as it turns out, are looking for a little orphan Annie type who talks like Dee Dee Ramone. Here’s a clip of me from one of my earliest roles.

[cut to an old video clip. Natasha Lyonne is sill a child running around in a TV show.]

Kiwi: Hi, Elvis. Hi Cher.

Elvis and Cher: Hi Kiwi.

Cher: We’ve got a new member.

Elvis: Her name is Opa.

Kiwi: Hi.

Opa: Hi.

[cut back to Natasha Lyonne in SNL set]

Natasha Lyonne: Yeah. [cheers and applause] I gotta say, my best work till date. So anyway, I do some TV, my mom and I moved to the Upper East Side. Suddenly I’m in the movies. Oh, I was in all those 90s movies. American Pie, American Pie 2, American Pie in the multiverse of madness, etc. Oh, I ain’t called favorite but I’m a Cheerleader. Things are going great. And then, “Knock knock. Who’s there?” “Multiple arrests and drug addiction.” Oh, yeah, I went to hell and back. Life was rough. But just like when Fabio was on that roller coaster, and a bird flew in his face. Hey, do we have a photo of that? Yeah, just like when Fabio, when that happened? So I brushed myself off and I got back on the ride.

[cheers and applause]

And now I’m here.

All right, sure. I’m conflating events, glossing over entire decades but I’m here. And I’ll tell you what I found. There’s always hope and despair and there’s always a reason to get back in the ring and fight another day. We got a great show. Japanese Breakfast is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Forgot About Lorne ft Eminem

[Starts with Pete Davison just standing on SNL studio. Natasha Lyonne walks to him.]

Natasha Lyonne: Hey Pete, what’s up?

Pete Davison: Nothing. I’m just watching Lorne. He looks little sad, right?

Natasha Lyonne: Yeah, definitely.

Pete Davison: Right? I wonder what’s wrong.

Natasha Lyonne: Look, I wasn’t going to say anything, but I think he’s been pretty depressed because he secretly always wanted to do a music video with you.

Pete Davidson: Really?

Natasha Lyonne: Yeah.

Pete Davison: What makes you say that?

Natasha Lyonne: I found the script in the garbage.

Speaker 1: Pete and Lorne rap video. Written by Lorne. Weird. [Lorne is sobbing alone] You know what? That guy has literally done everything for me. So I’m gonna pay him back by doing this rap video exactly the way he wrote it.

Pete Davison: Honestly, that’s your business, man.

[Dr. Dre  – Forget About Dre ft. Eminem instrumental playing]

Pete Davison: [dressed as Lorne] [rapping] Y’all know me, still the same Big L, O-R-N-E
Got a mind as sharp as a razor, quick as a laser
First man to wear jeans and a blazer
In 30 Rock, behind my desk
Eating popcorn, flippin’ through my Rolodex
Could probably call Joe Biden and when I talk about Paul
Don’t know if it’s McCartney or Simon
Every Broadway play, I seen ’em
Got the Presidential medal of Freedom
Four newspapers on my desk
Bright and early each day and I always read ’em
When a cue card has a typo
I’m liable to go Michael’s, take your pick
I said Jackson, Tyson or Lorne, 1976

[Chorus] Nowadays, everybody wanna act like they’re breaking the form
But every time I’m looking online, it seems
It’s just a bunch of old memes
All these mother******* hacks forgot about Lorne
Nowadays, everybody wanna act like they’re breaking the form
But every time I’m looking online, it seems
It’s just a bunch of old memes
All these mother******* hacks forgot about Lorne

What do ya’ say about a comedy great?
Been doing it himself, for a half a century straight
Wanna talk about all the crazy people he made?
Every single decade has ridiculous names
Like David Space, Belushi, Wiig, and Farley
Aykroyd, Gilda, Sandler, and Carvey
Ferrell, Morgan, Will Forte, Norm Macdonald, and Tina Fey
He must’ve seen a lot of things, but he never snitched
He’s nice as hell, he’s Canadian, bitch
On a typewriter, he wrote “Three Amigos”
Jugglin’ egos, chicka-chickalike Petey baby
On the cover of “Page Six” daily
And a bunch of much nicer people
Like Kate McKinnon, Kyle Mooney
And don’t forget Baby Aidy

[Chorus] Nowadays, everybody wanna act like they’re breaking the form
But every time I’m looking online, it seems
It’s just a bunch of old memes
All these mother******* hacks forgot about Lorne

[music video stops]

Eminem: Pete! Pete! What are you doing, man?

Pete Davison: Oh, yo. What’s up, dude?

Eminem: It’s another parody? It’s like another tribute or something?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, yeah, it’s like, the third one.

Eminem: Yeah. I would just stop.

Pete Davidson: What?

Eminem: Yeah, they all suck.

Pete Davidson: Well, do you not like the videos or your just don’t like me?

Eminem: Just please, stop.

Pete Davidson: Alright, I will.

Eminem: It’s really bad.

Pete Davidson: Honestly, we just do these because we love you so much, Marshall. They’re like, a tribute, you know?

Eminem: Pete!

Pete Davidson: Huh?

Eminem: Don’t fucking do it again.

Pete Davidson: Got it.

Eminem: Okay. [walks away]

[Pete Davidson sighs]

Pete Davidson: Well Lorne, [yelling] you blew it!