Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Sexual Misconduct Allegations

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Election 2016 at left top corner.]

This week was filled with shocking allegations of misogyny and crude comments about women. And those were just the allegations against [Picture changes to Ken Bone] Ken Bone. The bigger story of course this week [Picture changes to Donald Trump] is that Donald Trump has been accused of a range of sexual misconduct by now 10 different women. But the truth is, they’re still just allegations. This is America and Trump is entitled to a defense. So, let’s hear him out.

[Cut to video of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: When you looked at that horrible woman last night, she would not be my first choice, that I can tell.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. That wouldn’t be my first choice for a defense. If she wasn’t your first choice, the problem is you weren’t here choice, period! And what are you trying to tell us exactly? If you did find her more attractive, then you would have groped her? It’s like telling your girlfriend, “Oh, come on. I would never cheat on you baby. I don’t even have any good options right now.” And by the way, we’d probably believed Trump more if while he talked he wasn’t groping the air the entire time.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of different women at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump of course is claiming his accusers are only coming out now for fame and publicity. Yeah, that’s every little girl’s dream. To be forever known as the 7th woman groped by Donald Trump. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] He also believes these accusations are part of a conspiracy to rid the election. Only Donald Trump could have sex scandals, no political experience, poll at 0% with minorities and still say, “If I lose, it’s rigged.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And then this morning, Trump tweeted [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Nothing ever happened with any of these women. Totally made up nonsense to steal the election. Nobody has more respect for women than me!” [Cut to Colin Jost] Now, of course we know when Trump tweets, he sometimes makes some typos. So, maybe let’s just correct that one at the end for him. “Nobody inspects women more than me!” Yes, I got that.

And now republicans are worried that Trump’s tanking so hard that they might actually lose control of the house. Which could be the first time Trump’s ever gotten white people evicted from a building. [Picture changes to United States Capitol.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It’s pretty funny to watch republicans jump off board on Trump now. Like, now? It took you till now? It’s like when people tell me, “You know who is talented is that Kendrick Lamar.” And I’m like, “Yeah, you think?”

But say what you will about Donald Trump, his supporters are sticking by him. There are still women on TV defending Donald Trump. How are these women so forgiving of Donald Trump? I once reposted a twerk video of Facebook and my own mother blocked me. There is people that love Donald Trump so much that they’re willing to overlook these allegations and I can understand that. Look, I’m a huge fan of Michael Jackson because of ‘Thriller’, and ‘Off the wall’. But that doesn’t mean I can’t admit that he has done some terrible things too. Like that Invincible album, or that song you made with Eddie Murphy. What was that? It was almost as bad as the stuff you did to those kids.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Cool. Meanwhile, wikileaks released all these emails from Hillary’s campaign and no one’s talking about them because the Trump stuff is so much more ridiculous. Who would have thought that [Picture changes to Julian Assange.] master mind hacker Julian Assange would do less damage than Access Hollywood’s [Picture changes to Billy Bush] Billy Bush. And now at this point, [Picture changes to Election 2016] this whole election is like the movie Up. It got really sad really fast. And no matter who wins, we’re gonna still have to come together as country after to deal with our problems. We can’t just balloon our way out of it like this guy who, [Picture changes to the old man character of the movie Up] let’s face it, is definitely a Trump supporter. That’s why it upset me when Bill Clinton came out and dismissed all Trump supporters as ‘Basic Rednecks’, coz after the election when we go to war with Russia, the people we’re gonna ask to go and fight that war are the people you just called ‘Basic Rednecks’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: By the way, Bill, you’re a little too old to be using that word ‘basic’. And yeah, if we have a war, I don’t want a bunch of snarky liberals out there fighting for me, with their good taste and skinny jeans. I want somebody that dresses like John Cena, listens to Nickelback and has never met an Asian. That’s who is going to kick some ass. I’ll call liberals when I want a pointed think piece.

Weekend Update Olya Povlatski

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Russia of course has played a large part in the US election this year with near constant accusations of hacking and cyber attacks. Here to commend from a remote village in Russia is Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya Povlatski slides in]

Olya Povlatski: Hey!

Colin Jost: Hi, Olya, it’s so good to see you.

Olya Povlatski: Look who it is, Mr. Colin Jost. Well, well, well.

Colin Jost: Well, well? What did I do?

Olya Povlatski: Nothing. I’m telling you where all my sisters died. Well, well, well.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Now Olya, let’s just talk about some of this hacking that’s going on right now in Russia.

Olya Povlatski: Argh! These Russians, they love to hack, Colin. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] That’s why I have very strong password no one can guess, okay? It’s the noise I make every morning when I wake up. [Olya Povlatski makes groaning sound] But all the Os are zeros. Shh.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s really smart. That’s clever. Now, um, Russia has obviously been narrow mixed up in our election. Have you been following our election as result?

Olya Povlatski: Oh, yeah. Colin, I even– I watched the debate on Sunday.

Colin Jost: You watched the debate?

Olya Povlatski: Yes. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] I really– I related to this Hillary Clinton because I have also been attacked by a dog for 90 minutes. But, now we’re engaged. So you never know, you know?

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Congratulations.

Olya Povlatski: Thank you so much.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And did you see the video of Donald Trump with Billy Bush?

Olya Povlatski: Oh, yeah. Colin, that was so hard to watch the video. A whole bus for just two people? It’s a waste.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And now with all the stuff, all the tension between US and Russia, there’s talk that there could be a nuclear war. Does that worry you?

Olya Povlatski: I’m not worried, Colin. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Everyday I do nuclear bomb drill. This is where I run into open field and  I scream, “Come to me, bomb. Blow me up. Send me back to hell.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright.

Olya Povlatski: That’s what I do.

Colin Jost: That’s what you do. What do you think about Russians hating– you know, Americans hating Russians right now?

Olya Povlatski: It’s nothing new, Colin. Okay? [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Look at your movies. We are always the villain. If you are in American movie and you have my accent, the only line you’ll ever get to say is this, “You have 24 hours.”

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I love that movie. It’s a great movie.

Olya Povlatski: You lucky you’re cute. But not all Russians are pure evil, okay? [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Some of us just like to chill, kick back, you know, sing hottest new song in Russia.

[singing] A little bit of Monica  by my side
A little bit of Monica on my right
A little bit of Monica on the roof
A little bit of Monica in the field

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s actually not how that song goes.

Olya Povlatski: No. Yes, it is. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] In Russian version, Monica has been torn to pieces by ravens. And there is bits of Monica everywhere. This song is called lucky Monica.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Lucky Monica. Okay. I gotta got to say. I can’t believe that life is actually that bad in Russia.

Olya Povlatski: You know what? You’re right. it’s not, Colin. There is good stuff in my life. I just got my first phone.

Colin Jost: Your first phone?

Olya Povlatski: Yes. It’s Samsung Galaxy 7.

Colin Jost: Oh! I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Samsung Galaxy, they’re being recalled because they’re actually exploding.

Olya Povlatski: Why do you think I sleep with it in my mouth, Colin?

Colin Jost: Olya Povlatski, everyone.

Weekend Update Laura Parsins

Michael Che

Laura Parsins… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our news casters of Tomorrow segment where a kid joins us to give news from their perspective. Tonight we have a young actress who’s in the Disney XD original movie ‘The Dolphin Diaries’, please welcome Laura Parsins.

[Laura Parsins slides in] [cheers and applause]

Laura Parsins: Hello, Michael. What a thrill it is to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
hey, Michael Che, did you hear today
it’s all in the news

Michael Che: Oh. Thanks for coming, Laura.

Laura Parsins: I hear Emily Blunt is here and she is the new Mary Poppins.

Michael Che: That’s right. She’ll be in a new movie.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: I’m supercalifragilistic, XP available. [speaking in accent] Hello governor.

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay, Laura! I don’t think audition is being held right now. Why don’t you just tell us what’s going on in the news.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: Well, there’s a big election coming up. Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. And some people say Donald Trump is a bully because he calls people names. He might have said some bad things to a lady on a plane.

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s right.

Laura Parsins: [yelling] And then he shoved his hands up her skirt.

Michael Che: Laura! This is– This is an adult subject. You know what sexual harassment is? Or assaule?

Laura Parsins: I think so. It’s when the boos looks at you and says, “Hi Chucks, if you want this job, you better give me the goods.”

Michael Che: Alright. Maybe– Alright, maybe you do know what it is. Um, I hope that’s not the only thing you learned about this election.

Laura Parsins: Of course not. Our teacher asked us to watch the debates. It’s so cool. Regular citizens get to ask the candidates the questions. Like, Ken Bone. He’s a big huggable man in a red sweater.

Michael Che: I saw him. He seemed very nice.

Laura Parsins: I thought so too until he got on Reddit and talked about my favorite actress Jennifer Lawrence.

Michael Che: Alright, Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: [yelling] He said he liked her butthole.

Michael Che: Laura! [Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che] You can’t talk like that.

Laura Parsins: Why not? Billy Bush said bad things and my mom says he might get $10 million… [yelling] from this network.

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura Parsins: [speaking accent] I’m on a diet. I need a nanny.

Michael Che: There’s no Mary Poppins audition, Laura. Let’s talk about something fun. What’s something fun that you’re into?

Laura Parsins: Well, my school had a circus last week. You could dress up as an acrobat or an animal or a clown.

Michael Che: Oh, that’s cool.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: It sure is. They love clowns. Except in South Carolina [yelling] where they’re luring kids into the woods.

Michael Che: Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Laura Parsins: [yelling] Best case scenario, you’re a molester.

Michael Che: Alright! Thank you, Laura. You were great. You did fantastic.

Laura Parsins: I was? Wow. Guess I passed the audition. [Cut to Laura Parsins] [singing] And that’s in the news

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Laura Parsins. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of earth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that the best place in the world for young girls to live is Sweden, while the worst place for young girls to live on your hard drive. I said worst place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, this will get you back. A man in California was attacked by bears after he interrupted them having sex. Even worse, they were having sex with his wife. We tried. [Michael Che laughing] And in some very exciting news tonight, the Nobel prize for literature went to Bob Dylan. Even more shocking, Nobel prize for medicine went to Dr. Dre.

Sink

[Starts with a video clip of a unique bathroom sink that looks like a huge glass bowl]

Female voice: Am I too much? Oh, my god! I’m simply too much. I am gigantic. I feel overdressed and like I’m in everyone’s way. Why do I have to be such a statement? Look at the toilet, it’s just a toilet. I look like Zeus was christened in me. I feel like everyone thinks I need something from them. I’m the answer to a question no one asked. Nothing about me is instinctual. Will I make sense in the future? I’m just so… wide. I want one minute with a man who designed me. Just one minute to dive into that mind and understand whether–

[someone opens the tap and washes hands.] [gargling sound] [The tap closes] [sink breathes in]

Oh god, I’m so tired of my self. Am I the biggest sink in the world? I feel so… seen.

Short Film

Host… Alex Moffat

Emily Blunt

Vanessa Bayer

Andrew… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Host speaking on the stage]

Host: Hello. Welcome to the 16th Annual AnnArbor Short Film Festival. Um, so tonight we’ve got a really special one for you. I think you’re gonna love it. Also, stick around after the screening for a Q&A with the cast and crew. And now, without any further due, I present Qua.

[The movie starts] [Emily is looking herself at the mirror. She looks sad.] [Cut to Emily running from something. She falls and looks back. It turns out she is running away from herself.]

Emily: [scared] It’s me.

[Cut to Host clapping on the stage]

Host: Now, please help me welcome the cast and crew of Qua.

[Cut to the audience. All of them except one stands up and walk to the stage.]

Come on up, guys. Yeah, awesome. Very cool. Excellent. Yeah, congrats guys. Cool. Thank you all for being here. Alright. And um, I gotta say, truly stunning work. Okay, let’s just jump right in and get some audience questions.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience. There is a mic.]

Vanessa: Oh. I guess I’ll go. Um, good job everybody. Um, what was that all about?

[Cut to the stage. Andrew takes the mic.]

Andrew: Um, for me I guess it’s sort of about just the holocaust.

[Cecily takes the mic]

Cecily: Oh, yeah, sorry. Um, and just a piggy back off of what Andrew said, it’s also about like, “Yeah, why do we wear make up?”

[Beck takes the mic]

Beck: Yeah, right. But at the end of the day, it’s also comedy.

Host: Okay, great. Um, let’s take another question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Okay. Um, I’ll go again. Um, for the actress I guess, did you get to do any improv on set?

[Cut to the stage]

Emily: Oh. [she takes the mic] Yeah, that was a great question. There wasn’t a ton of improv coz you know, it was such a great script. But I did get to improv a few little things like, you know, the part where I said, “It’s me.” You know, that was improvised. And then you know that part where I was running and I fell down, that was also improvised. And then, the part where I was in the bathroom, that was all improv. But other than that, it was really, really scripted.

Host: Okay. Let’s take one more question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Dammit. Oh, um, what were some of your influences for this movie?

[Cut to the stage. Mikey gets the mic.]

Mikey: Um, I guess for me, I’d say Richard Linklater and Charlie Kaufman.

Beck: Yeah, for me I definitely say Charlie Kaufman and Richard Linklater. Yeah.

Kate: I guess for me it was sort of the combination of Richard Linklater and also Charlie Kaufman.

Aidy: And for me, it was the British Office.

Host: Okay. So, we have time for 10 to 15 more questions. Yes, miss.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: I guess, can you tell me about the music. And also, you don’t need to pass the mic if that will make this go faster.

Kenan: No, we don’t mind.

Emily: Um, this is actually a really cool story. The music was supposed to be an original song by Alicia Keys.

Host: Oh, that’s cool.

Emily: Yeah, yeah. But then, um, right before we started shooting we realized that none of us had Alicia’s email or anything. So, we couldn’t do that.

Host: Now, I gotta jump in here. Um, obviously there was a lot of symbolism in the movie.

All: Yeah.

Host: Does anyone have any questions about the symbolism? Um, yes you, putting on your coat and purse.

[Cut to Vanessa getting ready to leave]

Vanessa: Oh! Yes, um, can you talk about the number 3s that were all over the woods.

[Cut to the stage]

Kenan: [gets the mic] Thanks a lot. I’m sorry, what 3s?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: There were huge number 3s all over the woods in that woods scene?

[Cut to the stage. All the members are looking at each other’s faces confused.]

Kenan: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Host: Okay. We’re almost out of time. But real quick, why don’t we go down the line and just say what you’re working on now.

Aidy: Nothing.

Kenan: Nothing for me.

Kate: I’m doing some grocery shopping later today.

Mikey: Um, I’m doing nothing.

Beck: Nothing for me.

Cecily: Um, I’m going camping. Not this weekend but next.

Andrew: Um, I’m also doing nothing.

Emily: Um, I’m in ‘the Girl On the Train’ which is out in threatres right now.

Host: Oh, fun. Cool.

[The End]

Melanianad

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Emily Blunt

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Omarosa… Sasheer Zamata

Tiffany Trump… Vanessa Bayer

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with video clips of female friends and family members of Donald Trump thinking deep]

Melania: Here lies my last nerve, Donald. I’ve stood by your side this whole campaign, your beautiful, dutiful Melania. I can’t take it anymore. I am your wife.

Ivanka: Your daughter.

Kellyanne: Your mouth piece.

Omarosa: Your one black friend.

Tiffany: Your other daughter.

All: And you’re breaking us. Taking us for granted that we’ll always be there.

Melania: But one day soon, Donald, you may wake up and this bomb pussy bow blouse will be gone.

[music playing] [Music video starts]

Melania: I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
Donald, na!

‘m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry

Kellyanne: Always screwing up (I’m not sorry)
expect me to clean it up (I’m not sorry)
said I’d stick with you unless (I’m not sorry)
I think we’ve gotten to unless (I’m not sorry)
Melania: Me and my ladies pack our Gucci up
we spilling tea with our pinkies up
fix your bald spot, I’ve had enough
tryna’ thinking about you
I’m done thinking about

All: Four fingers up, make them bend right
poke him in the face, tell him, “Boy, bye”
tell him, “Boy, bye” (you’re fired)

four fingers up, tired of thinking about you

Ivanka: Daddy once tweeted “Sorry”
I’m not even making music
I’m supposed to be the brain tear
what the hell have happen thinking?

Now he’s bringing Paula Jones in
there goes my friendship with Chelsea Clinton
I miss you Chelsea Clinton
Call me Chelsea

All: Tired of thinking about you
I’m done thinking about you

four fingers up
tired of thinking about you.

Tiffany: Hell na! I killed on that convention speech, no lie
but I’ll never be Ivanka in your eyes
I don’t give a damn, tonight I’m turning tables
don’t call me Tiffany Trump, I’m Tiff Maples

Omarosa: Leaving the resignation in the hall way
signed as Omarosa, there’s no last name
No last name
I ain’t f***n with no last name

Melania: Don’t take me wrong, I have a good life
but Donald don’t underestimate your wife
I got Eastern Europe mindset
I might forgive but I won’t forget
Donald baby, watch out (watch out)
me and my women’s about to walk out
I see Mike Pence in the corner
looking for the back door

Mike Pence: You only want me when I’m not there

All: Without us you wouldn’t be standing there

Melania: You just be that guy with that weed hair
you just be that guy with that weed hair

I wrote that all by myself.

Donald Trump: Come on Melania, ready? It’s the wedding. Let’s go. You look very nice. But let’s go.

Women: Yes. Okay.

[All the women start walking]

Donald Trump: Tiffany, you wait here.

Tiffany: Oh! Cool.

Melania Moments #3

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Housemaid

[Starts with Melania Moments intro]

Male voice: Melania moments, number 102, The Housemaid.

[Cut to Melania watching at the housemaid in her house]

Melania Trump couldn’t help but notice that the housemaid looked a lot like her. She wondered if the resemblance was convincing enough, they could switch places for a day. That way she thought, “I could go out into the world. See a bus. See a hill. Or even feel the texture of sand. She’d stay here in the land of Donald. Not a fair trade for oh, how I long to touch sand.”

[The end]

Honda Robotics

Bobby Moynihan

Docimo… MIkey Day

Docima… Emily Blunt

Caren… Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking to a crowd]

Bobby: Welcome to the Honda Robotics Lounge here at Nexcon. We are offering glimpses into Honda’s advancements in robotic technologies all day. And if everyone could put their phones on airplane mode for this next portion, that would be great. Now, is anybody hungry? Coz I got some good news. We hired a couple of caterers for this event. You might recognize them actually. They are Honda’s second generation mobile smart bots, Docimo and Docima.

[The door behind Bobby opens. Two robots walk out.]

Docimo: Would you like a Mac and cheeseballs?

Bobby: Wow. Yes, I would. Thank you Docimo. And what do you have there Docima?

Docima: Would you like a crunchy mini quesadillas?

Bobby: Oh, yes ma’am!

Docimo: Hey! Those are for the guests.

Bobby: [laughing] Okay, great job you two.

Docima: High-five.

Docimo: Pound it.

Bobby: Okay. Now, would you please serve our guests?

[Docima walks down and towards the guests]

Docima: Do you want a crunchy mini quesadillas?

Bobby: Wow! Look at her go, folks. And what are you still doing up here, Docimo? Get down there with those mac and cheeseballs. I see some people’s mouths watering.

Docimo: Do you want a mac and cheeseball- ball- ball- ball- ball- ball.

Bobby: Oh! Ha-ha-ha. Looks like Docimo is having a little bit of trouble. Let’s get one of our Honda robo wranglers out here to fix him up. Okay, hey Caren.

[The door behind Bobby opens. Caren walks in.]

Caren: Oh, man! I don’t know if this has been said but if anyone’s cellphone is not on wifi, it’s gonna mess with these things. Wifi please.

Bobby: Okay. Caren’s working on Docimo here but we still got Docima out there with mini quesadillas.

[Cut to Docima talking to Kate very near to her ear.]

Docima: Would you like a tasty mini quesadillas?

Kate: I said no.

Docima: Would you like an oowy, gooey, yummy, delicious mini quesadillas?

Kate: I do not.

Docima: would you like a delicious, toasty, cheesy quesadillas.

Kate: I already had one and I didn’t like it.

Docima: Would you like an oowy, gooey, cheesy, delicious mini quesadillas?

Kate: It’s face is so cold.

[Cut to Bobby and Docimo]

Bobby: Okay. And guess who’s ready with those mac and cheeseballs. Make sure you get some of these.

Docimo: Would you like a mac and cheeseballlllll–

[Docimo falls sideways] [machine breaking sound] [Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Man, I wanted one of those mac and cheeseballs.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Okay. Caren, why don’t you come on out here again. Okay.

[Caren walks out]

Caren: Man, I am telling I’m not playing. With the phone thing, text message did this to this dude. We got free wifi in here. Please.

Docimo: Would you like toasty mac and cheeseball? Pound it! Pound it!

Caren: Stop moving, dude!

Bobby: Okay. Well, while Caren gives Docimo a hand, does anybody have any questions about the exciting new Hondo robotics projects? Yes, sir.

[Cut to Beck. Docima is still walking with the food tray and is trying to talk through the wall.]

Beck: What sort of practical purpose would your robots have in the everyday world?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Now, that is an excellent question. Okay. But first sir, would you mind just giving Docima a little spin there please? Thank you.

[Cut to Beck. He spins Docima a little.]

Docima: Would you like a toasty mini quesadillas?

Beck: No.

[Docima follows Beck] [Cut to Bobby and Caren]

Caren: Sorry everyone, this one’s going back in it’s big plastic suitcase he lives in.

[Docimo runs around] [Caren holds Docimo by the throat and hits him to the wall. Docimo falls.]

Stay down, dude!

Docimo: Do you want a mac and cheesebal.

Caren: Now for real, I’m going to check everybody’s phone here. [text message beep] Oh, oh, damn. Sorry. That was my phone. I’m sorry. My bad.

Hamster

Mom… Aidy Bryant

PJ… Kyle Mooney

Alice… Kate McKinnon

James… Beck Bennett

Emily Blunt

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Mom talking to PJ ]

Mom: Aw, honey. What’s going on, PJ? You’ve been staring at your hamster cage for gosh, an hour now.

PJ : Ever since we put in the new guys, the old ones are being really mean.

Mom: Um, okay. Well, the lady at Petco said that they might fight a little but that they’ll work it out.

PJ : I don’t know mom. It’s pretty bad.

[Cut to the hamsters]

Alice: He can’t get it up. Did he tell you that?

James: Hmm, you’re drunk. You’re a drunk hamster Alice. A drunk hamster.

Alice: How else could I survive living in this pathetic little cage with you?

James: Oh, you want a big cage, Alice? Go on. Go back to Harrow.

Alice: Oh, again with the damn guinea pig.

James: Um, he has a big cage. Isn’t that what you like, Alice? Big expensive things.

[Cut to Emily and Alex]

Emily: Oh my, it is getting late. I think we have to head on home.

Alex: Yes, thank you for the evening. We’ll see ourselves out.

Alice: Oh, no, no. But stay, dinner is almost ready.

James: Yeah, it’s almost burnt to a crisp.

Alice: It’s pallet roast, James. It’s refined.

Emily: You know, we actually have a toilet paper roll in home to finish. So we should…

Alex: Oh, yes. Thanks for the offer.

James: Hmm, I’d like to off her.

Alice: What was that coward?

James: I’d like to off you.

[Cut to PJ and his mom ]

PJ : I think we should get another cage.

Mom: Well, maybe you just need to feed them, right? Maybe they’re just hungry.

PJ : I don’t know. It still feels really tense.

[PJ  puts in some food for the hamsters.] [Cut to the hamsters eating.]

Emily: Um, James, so what do you do for work?

James: Well, I used to be in sales but now I’m mostly working on pulling in that sock from the side of the cage.

[Cut to a sock stuck at the cage]

Emily: Oh, that’s fascinating. How wonderful–

Alice: [mocking] Oh, that’s fascinating, is it? Ha-ha! What I wouldn’t give these 12 weeks olds again. Just a wide eyed easily impressed little floosy.

Alex: Now, wait a minute.

James: Oh, that’s enough.

Alice: Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot we’re all lying to ourselves tonight.

Emily: Alice, please. We’re all neighbors. I thought we might as well get to know each other.

Alice: Oh, you would like to get to know my husband, wouldn’t you Ms. Fluffy? Can’t keep your lies off his tail.

James: Not everyone is as sick as you, Alice.

Alice: Oh! I’m sick?

James: You’re sick.

Alice: How am I sick?

James: Oh, you want me to tell you how you’re sick?

Alice: Tell me. Tell me how I am sick.

James: Oh, you’re sick coz you’re scared. You’re always running. Running on that wheel. Trying to run away from something but you can’t run away from yourself, Alice. It eats you up inside.

[Alice claps]

Alice: I had no idea you were a poet, James. Here I thought you were just a choir.

[Cut to PJ and his mom ]

Mom: Okay, you know what PJ? I think you might be right.

PJ : I told you. That older one keeps playing mind games with our new.

Mom: I know. They’re just– they’re going in circles and I can’t take it.

PJ : We have to put a stop to this. Or they will.

Mom: Alright, I’ll get a bucket.

[Cut to the hamsters]

Alice: Go ahead. Hit me.

James: You want me to hit you?

Alice: Oh, go on and hit me.

James: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Alice: Oh, I’m not a man. Hit me.

James: Oh, get nice black eye to show your friends?

Alice: He doesn’t have the tail to hit me.

[James hits Alice]

Ou! That wasn’t so hard, was it?

James: Your’e a poison. You’re toxic. You’re sick.

Emily: Stop it. Stop it. Listen to yourselves. So much hatred. We have a short time on this earth before we’re buried in a New Balance shoe box. Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company?

James: She ate our babies, you know? All eight of them.

Alice: I was hungry.

[Cut to PJ and his mom . Mom is holding a bucket]

Mom: Okay, let’s get those newer guys out of there.

PJ : Oh, silence mother. What do you know about pets?

Mom: Okay. These are all going back and you can have a dog.

PJ : Awesome, baby!