Tag: episode 3

Workout Class

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Megan Thee Stallion

Keely… Heidi Gardner

Kelly K… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Ego entering a gym. There are other people working out in there.]

Ego: Hey, excuse me. Is this Butt Day at Studio Thick Thighs and Nasty Romp?

Bowen: If it’s 9AM on a Thursday, then yeah.

Ego: Well, it’s 10 on Saturday.

Bowen: Oh. We know it’s asked and you’ll love the teacher. Everyone calls her Sargent Cake.

Ego: Oh, great. Because I’m getting married in a month and I’m trying to drag a wagon down the aisle.

Megan: Attention. For those of you who want to get that booty booty booty booty rocking everywhere, you came to the right place.  We want to get those booties ready for Halloween. Whether you’re dressing up as a sexy witch with a fat ass or a first responder with a fat ass.. Or even Jeffrey Dahmer with a— You know what I’m about to say.

All: Fat ass.

Megan: Alright. Time to sweat. Now, let’s start off in a squat and pump and pump. Now remember, with big ass comes big responsibility. If you need a modified version, turn your eyes to Keely and Kelly K.

Keely: That’s right. Any of you looking to not get a butt today, look our way. I’m Keely and that’s Kelly K. And we don’t have butts.

Kelly K: That’s right. We go from back to leg.

Keely: Y’all ever drive from Kansas to Iowa? That’s our ass.

Ego: Oh my God. They literally have no buts.

Bowen: Yeah, it’s like actually spooky.

Megan: Hey, not everybody has been butt blessed. So if you wanna go over and see Keely and Kelly K, I won’t be offended.

Ego: No. I truly want my wedding dress seems to be splitting.

Megan: Okay, well, now I’m about to end this class before we go to bed and sit on your ass. Now drop low. Drop it low. Drop it low.

Keely: And once again for my flat butt army, drop it high. Drop it high. Drop it high.

Megan: Big booty hoes, wiggle with that, wiggle with that.

Kelly K: Tiny booty hoes, get little with it, get little with it. Little, little, little, little. Sag the ass, release the tension. Sag the ass, release the tension.

Sarah: Sag the ass? I’m paying $40 to sag the ass?

Bowen: What is that even accomplishing?

Megan: Alright. For you big bum bitches, it’s time to get those wastes out. And I don’t want to see you grabbing quarter pounders. I want to see you slanging 10 pounders.

Keely: Every pancake nation, grab your weights which are your own thumbs and drop it low, drop it low. Get sexy with it. Drop it low.

Megan: Alright, my apple bottoms, grab your knees and work it. Grab your knees and working.

Kelly K: And for my weak little girlies, grab your partner and punch them in the butt. She’s your best friend, so smash that ass down.

Ego: That can’t be a real exercise.

Bowen: Yeah, I’m really regretting purchasing this a year in advance.

Megan: Alright. It seems like some of y’all getting tempted to leave me for tortilla booty worldwide over there. I mean, look how cure those little panini girls are.

Kelly K: Attention. Ham slice legion, light it up.

Keely: Oh, oh, light it up. That’s right my baby bootays. If you feel our micro cheeks bump bump your back, you’re in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang.

Sarah: Stop. You guys are like, wiping your asses on us dead real.

Ego: Ah-ah-ah, don’t even think about it. I’ll sue your flat ass.

Megan: Come on, y’all. Be nice. Keely and Kelly K are my friends. They took my class for six years.

Ego: Then you should give them their money back.

Keely: Wow. And the body shaming continues. But you’re right. We have ugly flat butts. Sorry we’re not Kardas-skins (Kardashians).

Kelly K: Our backsides are basically paper plates. We weren’t gifted with the genetics of Iggy Amellia (Iggy Azelea).

Keely: Maybe we should just leave.

Megan: No. Your depleted whoopy cushions aren’t going anywhere. In fact, I’m going to let you lead the class and erase all these asses.

Keely and Kelly K: Thanks Sargent Cake.

Kelly K: Hit our music

Keely: And if you think this is a Pirates of the Caribbean music, you’re totally right. Now…

Weekend Update- Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussy on Disney’s Hocus Pocus 2

Michael Che

Debbie Hole… Chloe Fineman

Stacy Bussy… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che on his set]

Michael Che: This week of Facebook post urging moms to avoid Disney’s reboot of Hocus Pocus went viral. Here to discuss their concerns about the film are two mothers from Texas, Debbie Hole and Stacy Bussy.

Stacey: Hi, Michael Che.

Michael Che: So ladies, what’s so bad about Hocus Pocus?

Debbie: Okay, a bunch of witches harvesting children, running amok?

Stacey: Oh, witches snacking on my kids. Not under my house.

Michael Che: It’s just a silly kids movie.

Stacey: Michael Che, we don’t need a movie where kids souls are getting sucked off. We don’t need to see Matt Mendler wearing big old tee.

Debbie: It’s satanic.

Stacey: Okay, worst case scenario, it could unleash hell

Debbie: Um-hmm. Imagine that. Okay? I’m sorry. You just imagine that your home [yelling] with hell in it.

Stacey: Yeah. Satan walking around, erect. Is that what you want, Michael Che?

Debbie: I’m sorry. Is it Michael Che? Satan in your living room? Hard as a rock?

Michael Che: No, that’s not what I want, Debbie Hole. But don’t you think you’re missing out on some of the fun parts of Halloween?

Stacey: Oh, there’s nothing fun about Halloween.

Michael Che: What about candy?

Debbie: Satanic.

Michael Che: What candy is satanic?

Stacey: Sour Patch Kids. Think about it. We’re feeding kids kids? Making a bunch of army hammers?

Debbie: Oh, and do not get me started on Skittles.

Michael Che: Okay, I won’t.

Stacey: Oh, you gotta start it. You gotta start it. Okay. Taste the Rainbow? Demonic. I’m gonna say this. Any vending machine with Skittles in it, that’s a glory hole for devil.

Debbie: Gushers? Ew.

Stacey: Everlasting Gobstopper? So suck till I’m dead? No.

Michael Che: Oh, so you guys are just crazy.

Debbie: I’m sorry. Crazy about family, church and laughter.

Stacey: Yes. You know what? I swear even talking about those make me nervous. Okay, you open your mouth long enough, a demon will sweep in it. [Debbie acts like she’s possessed] What did I say??

Michael Che: You alright?

Stacey: Dude, no. She got a demon in her. She probably caught it here in S-in-hell (SNL). I’m gonna have to talk to him. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. We sold a lot of leggings to be here, girl. I swear to god, Debbie, if a bunch of rats come in here and start building your throne, I’m leaving New York. Hey, Debbie, I’m gonna need you to put a collar on Satan and take him back to hell. Can you do that for me? Can you do that, Debbie K. Hole?

Debbie: Oh, and I’m back. That was a little fun, I’m not gonna lie. In conclusion, witches are the worst. Say no to Hocus Pocus, and we gotta go.

Stacey: Yeah.

Michael Che: Where are you going?

Stacey: We got tickets to wicket.

Michael Che: Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussy, everyone.

Weekend Update Trumps 14 Page Response to Jan 6 Subpoena Kanye Wests AntiSemitic Tweets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

After the January 6 committee subpoenaed Donald Trump, Trump responded the next day with a 14 page letter. 14 pages. Okay. Unabomber. I don’t know if this is a coincidence, but Trump wrote the letter on the same day the FDA confirmed the nation is experiencing a shortage of Adderall. And I just know from experience in college, anytime I wrote a 14 page paper in one night, I’d also taken a disturbing amount of Adderall. My favorite part of Trump’s letter is the beginning because it’s on really nice letterhead. It starts “Dear Chairman Thompson”. And then the first line is just screaming. It’s like reading a Victorian love letter that says “My beloved Winifred, who the hell are you having sex with?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The committee showed a never before seen video from January 6 of a desperate Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone with Mike Pence. Which tuppence counts as adultery. In the video, Pelosi said that she wanted to punch out Donald Trump and knew that if she did, she’d go to jail and be happy. I assume because she owns stock in private prisons.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During last night’s Georgia Senate debate Rafail Warnock accused Herschel Walker of lying about working in law enforcement. Then Walker pulled out a prop badge and said “I am work with many police officers,” which is yet another sign that Herschel Walker is has brain problems.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching someone get injured at the Special Olympics, said that he is not concerned with threats Donald Trump makes at his rallies to remove him as Senate Minority Leader. In fact, McConnell says the threats make him laugh harder than his favorite comedy show Dahmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West’s anti-semitic tweets were condemned by the Black Jewish Entertainment Alliance. Just say Lenny Kravitz.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Elon Musk and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After Kanye West unhinged social media post, Elon Musk tweeted “Talk to Ye and express my concerns about his recent tweet, which I think he took to heart.” Well, that settles it. If there’s one thing we all trust Elon with, it’s successfully reading another human beings emotional cues.

Weekend Update Devon Walker on Adjusting to New York City

Michael Che

Devin Walker

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Season 48 is underway and things are going well. Here to talk about how he’s adjusting is our new cast member, Devin Walker.

[Devon Walker slides in] [cheers and applause]

Devon Walker: Thank you for having me, Che.

Michael Che: Anytime, man. So how’s this whole experience been for you, man? You diggin New York?

Devon Walker: Not really. If I’m being honest, I think New York’s a little overrated.

Michael Che: Wow. Where are you from?

Devon Walker: I’m from Texas.

Michael Che: Oh, Texas.

[cheers]

Devon Walker: What? You know, I mean, honestly, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I hate how New Yorkers talk about where I’m from. All right? Every single time I tell the New Yorker I’m from Texas, they apologize to me like I fought in a war. Every single time, they’re like, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” They’ll say stuff like that. And it’s like Texas isn’t a perfect place. But every single time I step outside of my apartment in New York, I see the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And that’s a normal thing to see. All right? Like, one time I saw a kid get into a fistfight with a bird. And the bird was winning. I told my homies from the neighborhood what I saw him, he goes, “Oh, that’s just Mike.” That’s what he said. And I know if he was talking about the kid or the bird. If you saw that in Texas, they’d shut Texas down forever, alright? Nobody would go to school or anything. They just hang out at home until the vibes got right again.

Michael Che: Well, you just got here. I’m sure you’ll start to fit in.

Devon Walker: Alright, speaking of fitting in, can I ask the audience a question real quick?

Michael Che: Okay.

Devon Walker: Hey, guys. Y’all think I look like a catcaller?

Audience: Yeah.

[laughing]

Devon Walker: I don’t think I look like one, but ever since I moved here, every time I see a dude who’s doing a cat call, we have on the exact same outfit. Sometimes I pass woman on the street and I see them look at me and they go like that. They try to dodge me real quick. And I know why it happens. All right? I’m a large man. Large men be responsible for a lot of bad things historically. But I’ve been trying to figure out how to communicate to these women that I’m not going to do anything weird. So anytime one tries to avoid me, I’ve just been whispering like “Ay, baby girl. Don’t worry about it. I’m regular.”

Michael Che: Why are you whispering?

Devon Walker: I don’t know, man. My body’s big. I’m trying to make my voice little, okay? It’s hard out here.

Michael Che: You might be overthinking it, Devin.

Devon Walker: I don’t think I am. Alright. Look, watch this. Watch this. Hey, real quick. Were my straight boys at? Yeah, morale is real low right now. If I would have asked that question in 1996, the building would have exploded. 30 Rock would just be gone because the hetero boys brought it down. we get a lot of bad press right now. We get a lot of bad press. I think we can change it. I think we got to do a culture shift. I think that’s what we need. I think all of us need to try to be a little bit more gay.

Michael Che: Say what now?

Devon Walker: I said what I said, Michael, all right? Our culture is bad. We need to shift. Every single year 37 of my homies invite me to be in a fantasy football league. And I don’t think the straight communities knows that we don’t have to do that. I just want my brothers to be free. Next time one of my homies asked me if I’m drafting Tom Brady, I swear I’ll be like, “Nah, dog, I’m trying to kiss you on the lips actually.”

Michael Che: Devon Walker, everybody.

Devon Walker: I’m gonna kiss Michael Che.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Congressional Candidate Stars in Own Sex Tape MethFilled Pumpkins

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular Peloton instructor is suing the company for nearly $2 million alleging that an executive mocked him for being Irish. In response, the executive countersued him for all the treasure in his pot of gold.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Itkis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Manhattan congressional candidate Mike Itkis started in his own sex tape in an effort to publicize his campaign. You know what? I’m gonna vote for him. Because I watched that video and we share a lot of the same positions.

[Picture changes to a calendar marked on 13th October]

Thursday was national no bra day, which is celebrated by not supporting women. It’s a bra joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of mushrooms and United airlines at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: United Airlines passenger who was high on mushrooms assaulted two flight attendants. While over at Spirit Airlines, bath salts are the in flight snack.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and its certificate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pebbles, who was the world’s oldest living dog has died at the age of 22. But it’s okay, his owners knew this was coming if they didn’t keep them off my yard.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of kids riding bikes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some parents in Oregon are having large groups of their children ride their bikes to school at the same time in a formation they’re calling a bike bus, and pedophiles are calling a buffet.

[Picture changes to a gray whale]

Researchers say the number of gray whales of Western North America has continued to decline for several years. It’s a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a chess board and NFL logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A growing number of NFL players are filling up their off time by playing chess with each other. And also, let’s see here, domestic violence. That’s how they’re spending their time, Colin.

[Cut to . There’s a picture of contact lenses container at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A video has gone viral of a doctor removing nearly two dozen contact lenses from a woman’s eye that she had forgotten were in there. And you know, you messed up when your doctor is like, “Hey, can I film this?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Benefits of colonoscopies overestimated” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new studies suggest that the benefits of preventative colonoscopy is may be overestimated, but the pleasures are undeniable.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of packed meths at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Border officials have discovered $400,000 worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins. They could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had like three teeth left. [Picture changes to a halloween pumpkin with bad teeth]

We Got Brought

Phil… Bowen Yang

Heather… Ego Nwodim

Megan Thee Stallion

[Music video starts] [music playing]

Phil: [rapping] My friend is going out and I’m tagging along

She’s gonna see some pals she hasn’t seen in so long

Heather: [rapping] It’s my boyfriend’s friend’s birthday and I was free

Will I know people there? He said…

Heather’s boyfriend: You’ll know me.

Megan: My sister’s meeting friends. She said…

Megan’s Sister: You’ll love ’em, I think.

Megan: I said, “I don’t love strangers, but I do like to drink.”

Alexis: Everybody, this is Phil

Phil: Hey, I’m friends with Alexis

Megan’s sister: Guys, this is my sister

Megan: I flew in from Texas

Heather’s boyfriend: And I finally brought my girlfriend

Heather: That’s me, I’m Heather Where did you three meet?

Alexis, Heather’s boyfriend and Megan’s sister: We grew up together!

Phil: Aw, they leave us at the table and they go do a shot

Heather: They ask if we’ll save their seats

Megan: We say, “Sure, why not?”

Phil: But now we’re three strangers that our friends forgot

Megan: Oh-oh

Heather: Uh-oh

Phil: Uh-oh

[Hook]

We got brought
And we don’t know each other
We got brought
So we all have to suffer

We’re all plus-ones just nodding a lot
And we all wanna leave, but it’s only 8 o’clock
We got brought

Megan: It’s hell on earth, but we try to push through
I ask, “Where y’all from?”

Heather: And I ask, “What do you do?”

Phil: And I couldn’t think of a single other question
So I also asked, “Where y’all from?”

Heather: We already covered that.

Phil: Does anyone have another question?

Megan: Okay, so what’s y’all’s trauma?

I make my escape and say I’m going to the bathroom
But this crazy bitch says…

Heather: Oh, I’ll go with you.

Megan: No, you won’t!

Phil: Is she leaving? Nice meeting you.

Now we’re waiting at the bar and no one’s coming by
And if there’s one second of silence then we’ll both die
So I reach into the depths of what I know
And I say, “Did you know there’s only been 25 deaths
at DIsneyland since 1955?”
And she says…

Heather: Only?

Phil: I say, “Never mind.”

I ask, “What neighborhood is your apartment in?”
She says…

Heather: Brooklyn.

Phil: And I say, “Oh, whereabouts in Brooklyn?”
And without skipping a beat she says…

Heather: Oh, the safe part.

Phil: Which was shocking, so I panicked,

and all I could say was…

“Oh good, I love the safe part.”

Heather: Wait, no. I said the south part.

Phil: No!

We got brought!

Megan: Your mutual ones are gone! Your mutual ones are missing!
You’re wandering in a dance club while your friends are reminiscing.

Phil: Where are our friends? Where have they gone?
Why would they bring us here and leave us so long?

Megan: You’re all out of topics and the conversation’s lazy
So you just keep on saying, “That’s crazy.”

That’s crazy

Oh really? That’s crazy
So crazy. That’s crazy
No way, that’s crazy
Wow! Crazy!

Phil: That’s crazy

Heather: So crazy

Phil: Well, it’s nice to meet you. It’s getting late.

Heather: It’s 8:05.

Phil: [screaming] I don’t want to be here anymore!

Heather, Phil and Megan: We got brought!

Please Don’t Destroy

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy in their office looking exhausted]

Ben: Man I haven’t been feeling good lately. Just like healthy healthy.

John: Totally. I’ve been feeling Fuego.

Martin: Looking Fuego too.

Ben: It’s so important as we get older that we start taking care of ourselves. You know what I mean? Like, wellness.

John: Wellness. Oh my god. It’s so important.

Ben: My big thing I’m trying to crack right now is my screen time. Right now, I’m up to 23 and a half hours a day.

Martin: You got to do better.

Ben: That’s not great.

John: I’ve been trying to get in shape. Have you guys heard of intermittent fasting?

Ben: Yeah. Are you doing that?

John: No, I’m doing intermittent sleeping. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, I’m not sleeping.

Ben: Is it working?

John: Not yet.

Ben: Okay, cool. Mark, how about you?

Martin: Oh, well, I got this new post workout smoothie I’ve been loving.

Ben: Oh, smoothies time what’s in it?

Martin: Just like milk, ice cream, chocolate sauce.

John: Oh, a milkshake.

Martin: A milkshake, yes. Why? What did I say?

Ben: We’re doing so well.

Martin: So good.

John: The best.

Ben: And I’m feeling kind of miserable.

Martin: So miserable.

John: The worst. Oh, guys. I’m on a new medication.

Ben: That’s great, buddy.

John: It’s like Zoloft, but just the side effects. So very depressed, but my penis is broken.

Ben: That sucks.

Martin: And I just signed up for a new gym.

Ben: Which one you go with?

Martin: This is gonna sound kind of weird, but it’s called Cigarette Fitness.

Ben: Oh my god. So it’s a smoking gym?

Martin: A smoking gym. That’s right.

Ben: Dude, did you know you can delete money from your bank account? Bing. I’ve been mad into that.

Martin: God, we are doing so well right now.

Ben: Totally, we’re slipping away.

John: Ever since a pandemic, the light just keeps getting dimmer.

Martin: Dimmer, yeah.

Ben: Dating, yeah.

Martin: I’ve forgotten how to dance.

Ben: Oh, remember dancing?It was like… I don’t know why we ever did that.

Martin: Oh, I’ve been seeing a therapist.

Ben: Really?

Martin: Yeah, like all over the place. I don’t think she’s really there.

Ben: Oh, like a hallucination.

[Martin is seeing a woman waving at him standing behind Ben]

I’m trying to kick all my bad habits man. I mean, I gotta stop grinding my teeth.

[Ben shows his teeth. It looks horrible]

Is it bad?

John: Yes. You look like Gollum.

Martin: God, I just need a day where I go to the park, take off all my clothes and start screaming about how there’s too many wires in the world.

Ben: One day is all we ask.

All: Just one day.

[Cut to Wellness commercial video]

Female voice: Wellness, brought to you by Oral B mouthguards.

Megan Thee Stallion Monologue

Megan Thee Stallion

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Megan Thee Stallion.

[Megan Thee Stallion walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Megan Thee Stallion: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I can’t tell you how excited I am to be here. Most of y’all know me as Megan Thee Stallion. But if you know me, then you know I go by more than one name. Let’s see, we got Tina Snow, the Hot Girl Coach, the Ace Town Hottie, and if you are one of my many, many haters, I’m probably “That bitch”. But that’s okay because even my haters aren’t entirely wrong because I am simply that bitch. So I know everyone is used to seeing me twerk, the rest of my hood rap friends, and flat out being one of the Hottest MCs in the Game right now, period. But that’s much more to me that meets the eye. For example, I’m a really good actress. I don’t want to blow my own horn or nothing, but I think I do a pretty good British accent. Alright, check this out. Put me in Britain, bitch. Thank you.

I also got my college degree last year from Texas Southern University. [cheers and applause] Finishing college while pursuing a rap career is not easy. And I did that while putting out song after song and going on the world tour. So now, I can go by another name, making the bitch that need some sleep. I got my degree in Health Administration because I have always wanted to help the people in my community. I believe that it’s important to have a sharp mind and a sharp body-yadi-yadi-yadi. That’s why I launched my website that provides access to resources for those who are struggling with a mental health, badbitcheshavebaddaystoo.com. That’s a real website. I can’t believe the domain wasn’t already taken. It’s supposed to be called hot girl bummer, but somebody stole it. You know who you are. But look, before the show starts. It’s something I’ve really been wanting to say. I’ve had some wins and I’ve had some losses. And I always get more wins. But I do pride myself on being an open book. So with that being said, I would like to address a certain incident that I’m sure it’s on everybody’s mind. No, I don’t know why Popeyes took the hottie sauce off the menu. And if you want the sauce back, you’re gonna take that on with the Popeyes lady, not me, okay? But seriously, I really do want to thank my fans, aka, the hotties. Y’all mean the world to me. Without y’all there’d be no hot girl sauce. We have a great show here for you tonight. I’m here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Jan 6th Final Hearing Cold Open

Bennie Thompson… Kenan Thompson

Adam Schiff… Michael Longfellow

Mr. Kinzinger… Andrew Dismukes

Liz Cheney… Heidi Gardner

Jamie Raskin… Mikey Day

Nancy Pelosi… Chloe Fineman

Chuck Schumer… Sarah Sherman

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN. Can you believe it stands for cocker spaniel? We’re now return to the closing statements of the January 6th committee to investigate the attack on our nation’s capital.

[Cut to the House Select Committee’s hearing] [cheers and applause]

Bennie Thompson: Alright. The House Select Committee will now come to order for its 9th and final hearing. The January 6 was one of the most dramatic and consequential moments in our nation’s history. So to fight back, we assembled a team of monotone nerds to do a PowerPoint.

Adam Schiff: I made mine with Google Slides.

Bennie Thompson: We’ve been investigating this horrible attack for more than a year. But today’s session is going to be a little different. We’re going to summarize our findings, hold a history making vote and then, and only then [pulls out a plate of desserts] we all get to have a little treat.

Mr. Kinzinger:

Oh, come on. Can I have one cupcake now?

Bennie Thompson: No, no, no, no. It’s evidence, then a vote., then a little treat. All right, I would first like to recognize the gentle lady from Wyoming, who I am shocked to say has become my best friend. Liz Cheney.

Liz Cheney: Thank you, Benny. Over the past few months, this bipartisan committee has presented our case to all Americans. Whether you’re a Republican who’s not watching or a Democrat who’s not in so hard, your head is falling off. One person is responsible for this insurrection, Donald Trump. And one person will suffer the consequences, me. You might be wondering what makes me so tough? And I asked you, who is your dad? Is it Dick Cheney? You might wonder how do you have the guts to take on your entire party alone? And I’d say when you were little, who tucked you in at night? Was it Dick Cheney? I’ve been asked how did you get a backbone made of steel? And I asked back, for your 10th birthday, did you eat pizza at Chucky Cheese with all your friends? Or did you shoot a deer in the face with Dick Cheney? So yeah, I guess you could say I have big Dick Cheney energy.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you very much gentle lady from Wyoming. The Chair now recognizes the gentleman from California, and maybe the horror movie Smile. [Adam Schiff is smiling creepily] Actually, no, no, no, we’re gonna skip him. Too spooking. All right. The chair instead recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

Jamie Raskin: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Leading up to January 6, the FBI scoured through alt-right message boards and found disturbing comments like “Who wants to burn DC to the ground?” “Anyone got room in their car for me, 10 rifles, and 30 snakes?” “Where do we park?” “Is their shuttle from La Quinta Inn to coup?” And “Am I at wrong Washington? I see Space Needle.” Yet again, President Trump didn’t raise a finger. And while these hooligans were ransacking our beloved capitol, real leaders like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were bunkered in a Senate hideaway trying to save the country.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone]

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, hello, Mr. Vice President. It’s Pelosi. What is happening over there? Why can’t we get back to the capitol and resume the vote?

[Chuck Schumer is sitting beside Nancy Pelosi, talking on the phone]

Chuck Schumer: Hello, DoorDash. It’s Chuck Schumer? Yes, we still haven’t received any of our lunch order. And yes, I did change the drop off location due to some unfortunate treason. But it still should have arrived by now.

Nancy Pelosi: The President is doing nothing? This is completely unacceptable.

Chuck Schumer: My order, 12 dill pickles still floating in the juice and a hot pastrami sandwich with very light mustard. Did you hear me? I’m not afraid to leave a negative review. I am in a confined space with 30 people and if I get an upset stomach, all hell is gonna break loose.

[Cut back to Jamie Raskin]

Jamie Raskin: And it continues for hours from there.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you, Mr. Raskin. The Chair now recognizes the tenderoni from Illinois.

Mr. Kinzinger: Thank you, Mr. Chair. I took a cupcake. Now, Donald Trump knew he had lost the election. Everyone around him knew. He asked White House Counsel Pat Cipollone “Did I lose the election?” And Pat said, “Yes.” He then asked Ivanka, “Did I really lose the election?” She said, “Yes.” He then tried to janitor, “Hey, you don’t think I lost, do you?” The janitor responded, “I do.” Then the President turned to a dog and said, “What about you? Did I win?” And the dog legit shook its head side to side, then barked a perfect human “No.” Donald was desperate to hang on to power. Meanwhile, real heroes like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were the ones actually running this country.

[Cut to video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, Mr. Vice President, it’s Pelosi again.

Chuck Schumer: Tell him I’m here too.

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, where is President Trump? What is he doing this stop this?

Chuck Schumer: And Hi, Mike. It’s Chuck Schumer. I’m here as well.

Nancy Pelosi: Let me tell you, if Trump comes here now, I’m gonna punch him in the face. Right in the face. I’ll go to jail, but I’ll be happy.

Chuck Schumer: And let me tell you if Trump comes I’m gonna let him punch me in the face. I’ll go to the hospital, free soup.

Bennie Thompson: Yeah, not sure Schumer needs to be in all these clips. Miss Cheney, any final thoughts?

Liz Cheney: The fact is Trump planned to declare victory no matter the results. Look at this video of the president the day before the election,

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You know the votes don’t matter. I’ve always said that that the votes don’t matter at all. Because what even is a vote? It’s just a piece of paper you fold up and put it in a hat a guy shakes it around. And I’m gonna say it by the way, he had a great hat, didn’t he? It was very tall. He borrowed it from Apollo Creed who is a very close friend of mine. We talk on the phone every day. Our wives their friends. He should never have died in that ring. Obama told him to fight Drago and then he gets whacked in the head and boom, where’s the Obamacare? So now, we don’t vote. We don’t vote. [door knocking] It’s open. [someone brings him a can of coke] Thank you very much. Is Mike Pence dead yet?

Bennie Thompson: All right. I think we’ve seen quite enough. Let us now take a vote. Should we subpoena President Trump and force him to testify before this committee?

Liz Cheney: Yes, we must. And this vote is not just an empty gesture. He will testify.

Jamie Raskin: That’s right. He will get on a plane and leave Florida where he is beloved. And he will fly to Washington where he is hated. And he will answer my questions. Questions like, “Hey, who do you think you are, mister?”

Mr. Kinzinger: Trump is 100% coming and this time he will be held accountable? Sure, he got away with a lot of stuff in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, the early 2000s, the 2010s and the early 2020s. But that ends now with us because I’m [looks at his table name plate] Mr. Kinzinger, and he will respect my authority.

Bennie Thompson: All right, well, I can already see this is a complete zero. I want to thank my colleagues for throwing away their summers and in some cases, their careers to serve on this committee.

Jamie Raskin: Ain’t no problem. My calendar was empty.

Liz Cheney: I do have a couple of regrets.

Bennie Thompson: America, I don’t know what more we could possibly show you, except maybe this clip of Nancy Pelosi saying poo poo.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: There is poopoo. There is poopoo on the walls of the Capitol.

Chuck Schumer: What’s that?

Nancy Pelosi: I said they are smearing poopoo  onthe walls with poopoo.

Chuck Schumer: Oh, poop poop. See? That’s what happens with too much mustard.

Bennie Thompson: All right. Well, we tried. It was a fun country while it lasted.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Hot Girl Hospital

Megan Thee Stallion

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Punkie Johnson

Marcello Hernandez

James Austin Johnson

Charlie… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro clips]

Male voice: This fall, a new medical drama for our times, it’s Hot Girl Hospital.

[Nurse pushes Heidi into the hospital on a hospital bed]

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m right here. You are in good hands.

Doctor:  What’s her status?

Nurse: 46, Female, mad as hell. She ain’t given what a game.

Doctor: Oh my god. And the fit?

Nurse: Trash.

Doctor: I need a BBM stat. 6 cc’s of Tommy T and whatever fashion nova we got.

Heidi: What’s a BBL? Just let my basic ass die.

Nurse: No, ma’am. You’re gonna be a bad bitch real soon.

Male voice: From Shonda Rhimes, and the top commenters on the shade room.s Instagram, it’s Hot Girl Hospital. The story of three everyday heroes blowing up their community, one dusty chick at a time.

Punkie: Oh girl, I gotta work on double tonight.

Nurse: Girl, I know. and I got a Weebo plasty followed by emergency twerk exam? This job, I swear to god.

Doctor: Hold up. Who that?

[4 and 5 are panicking]

Marcello: My friend, my friend. He’s been in an accident.

James: I don’t wanna die.

Nurse: Uh-uh.

Heidi: He is bleeding.

Nurse: We don’t do all that here. Leave.

Punkie: You can go, sir.

Male voice: When life is on the line, these are the three women who will answer the call, say something rude, then hang up.

Charlie: Hey, I’m Charlie, New York Presbyterian cardiology.

Nurse: Okay. But we don’t do that here. We do wigs, butts and clothes. If you want something else, you’re more than welcome to look around.

Charlie: Okay, so what kind of hospital is this then?

Nurse: Okay, so boom. Draymond Green got in trouble for punching his teammate, right? And NBA had made him do community service. So basically, he flew out a bunch of IG baddies, and put up in a building with some wheelchairs, he called it a hospital.

Doctor and Punkie: Thank you, Draymond.

Male voice: The New York Times calls it somehow empowering and regressive at the same time. And Variety says, I don’t feel comfortable reviewing this as a white guy. Five stars.

Chloe: I need to speak to Dr. Simmons. It’s an emergency.

Punkie: I ain’t talking to know Dr. Simmons right now because she fake.

Chloe: What? Can I just see a doctor please?

Punkie: I mean, you can see her. But I’m not going to get her. Nurse, where’s Janelle?

[Nurse is taking pictures of her butt]

Nurse: Huh? I ain’t talking to her. She fake. She got a little white coat, she thinks she’s better than everybody.

Chloe: Okay. Can you just page her place?

Nurse: Imagine. Imagine me saying page in Dr. Simmons. Couldn’t be me.

Punkie: Couldn’t be me.

Male voice: All of the drama. None of the appropriate response because at the Hot Girl Hospital, help ain’t on the way.

Devon: Please help. My wife’s water broke.

[Sarah screaming]

Punkie: Oh no. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Devon, is that you, Devon?

Doctor: Hold up. Hold up. Devon who be in our DMs every day?

Devon: Oh snap. What’s up?

Sarah: Do you know them?

Devon: No, baby. I’ve never seen them before in my life.

Nurse: You think you sleek? Coming in here with your white white? Talking about her water broke.

Doctor: Boy, get your lying ass on.

Nurse: Good luck to their baby. Her daddy went Aubert’s.

Male voice: And on a very special season finale.

Michael: Where’s my wife? Is she okay?

Punkie: Oh, she wasn’t okay, baby. She bad. Girl, come on out, girl.

[Heidi walks out with make up on, long hair, wearing pink revealing dress.]

Heidi: It’s giving. Thank you.

Nurse: Yeah!

Doctor: I’m proud, bitch.

Punkie: You better work it, bitch.

Male voice: Hot Girl Hospital, coming this hot girl fall.

Nurse, Doctor and Punkie: Thank you, Draymond.