Zombie Apocalypse High School

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Dunken… Kyle Mooney

Megan… Cecily Strong

Harry Miller… Jim Carrey

Ben… Pete Davidson

[Starts with a clip of destroyed houses. The screen reads “Powder Springs, Georgia. Kenan0 days after the zombie apocalypse.”]

Kenan: Hey, you think this buried Kater hall?
Beck: It better.

[Cut to the four survivors]

This is the last safe place in town.

Dunken: Never thought I’d be so happy to be stuck at school.

Megan: Shut up, Dunken.

Dunken: Whatever, Megan!

Kenan: Hey, somebody’s coming.

Beck: Who’s out there?

[Cut to everybody. Harry Miller is standing with a baseball bat and a cushion tied on on arm.]

Harry Miller: Hey there, neighbor. My name’s Harry Miller, seeking refuge. You went to school with my boy, Ben.

Megan: Oh, yeah! Ben Miller. I had science with him.

Beck: You ain’t been bit, right?

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Do I look like I’ve been bit, y’all? Could a zombie do this? A-B-C-D-E-F-G– and the rest?

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Very impressive. Clear path for him boys.

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Ben, come on now. Come on boy.

[Harry Miller has Ben who is a zombie on a rod leash. He is hitting him with the baseball bat.] [Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Uh, Ben’s a zombie, dude!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Ben? That’s bananas.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Now, look at him. It’s not bananas at all.

Megan: He’s acting all sparling.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Anyone can tell this boy suffers from classic case of ADHD.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat] [Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Ay! He’s trying to say flesh. And that is a zombie word.

Dunken: Yeah! Plus, if he’s not a zombie then why am I like, super scared of him?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Oh, I get it. Y’all don’t want him in there because you think he different. Well, you know what? He is different. He likes art, he reads books that challenge him. That’s why we can’t come in, right?

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat] [Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: [putting on some lip gloss] He’s right, y’all. We shouldn’t not let Ben in just because he is a bookworm.

Dunken: Where did you even get the lip gloss, Megan?

Megan: I looted it from Sephora.

Beck: Ah! Dude, Ben’s eating a hand.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Ben is eating a hand.]

Harry Miller: [Hitting Ben with the bat] Hey, put that down.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket hiding from the other four survivors]

Here, I tell you what. For now, just take this. Eat it.

[Ben eats it] [Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Oh! You just fed him brain. I saw it.

Kenan: Come on! Why wasting our time, man? He’s a zombie. You’re not. I mean, this is just straight up stupid?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What does he have to do to get in there? Put on a show? I mean, he does impressions. Do one Ben.

[Cut to Ben. He’s just screaming like a zombie.] [Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: I’ll give you a hint. Talks real slow. Stares at you with dead eyes. It’s Brian Williams.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: Oh, my god! That is good, right?

Beck: Watch out!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Another zombie tries to attack Harry Miller but Ben stops him] [Cut to Ben and another zombie. They talk in zombie language then bite each other’s flesh.] [Cut to Harry Miller, Ben and the other zombie. The other zombie leaves.]

Harry Miller: That’s my boy. Bossing around with his pals.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Why are you keeping this up? Your son speaks to zombies.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Well, I speak a few words Spanish, that don’t make me a Mexican.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: You know what? Last chance, dude! You can come in but your zombie son can’t.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Alright. Guess I’m busted. He is a zombie.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: We know!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Let me just say goodbye to my boy. Will You? Now Ben.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

Now, you listen here Ben. You gotta be your own man Ben. Ben, you gotta be your own man, make an ashed dead girl a happy, happy dead girl. Marry her, fall in love. Have a baby and eat it. Here.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket]

I want you to have this. It’s the last little bit of brain your mama had.

[Ben eats it]

Now you go on and be the zombie [crying] that I know you can be. Well, I guess one more hug wouldn’t hurt. Come here.

[When Harry Miller tries to hug Ben, he bites him on the shoulder.]

Oh, god! Oh, my god! That was just not really smart thing to–

[Harry Miller is also growling now. They walk to the four survivors] [Cut to the four survivors. Harry Miller and Ben are trying to reach them]

Dunken: I’ll get the crossbows.

Megan: Get right, Dunken. You suck at shooting.

Dunken: Shut up, Megan!

[Ends with the clip of the destroyed house]

Weekend Update Romantic Comedy Expert

Daisy Rose… Venessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Several major networks recently debut romantic comedy themed sitcoms including Selfie, A to Z and Marry Me. Here to comment is our romantic comedy expert, Daisy Rose.

[Daisy Rose slides in] [cheers and applause]

Daisy Rose: Hi. I am sorry. Do you know how I can get to the Weekend Update desk? I am supposed to do a talk in romantic comedies and I am completely lost as per use.

Michael Che: This is the Weekend Update desk.

Daisy Rose: Oh, my god! I am officially an idiot. Let me just get my note cards here. And– Oh! I’m sorry. I just had such a stressful day and I went total cluts and I just– I spilled–

Michael Che: Oh, no, it’s okay. I’m Michael Che and it’s nice to meet you.

Daisy Rose: Well, I’d better get into my talk. This season’s new crop of romantic comedies bring not only the Ram, but also Cam.

Michael Che: That’s pretty clever.

Daisy Rose: [laughing] You know, it’s not that often that I meet a guy with a sense of humor. I guess, ever since my ex and I broke up, I don’t laugh a lot. And I don’t know, you … um, you make me laugh. Hi, I’m Daisy Rose.

Michael Che: I know, I just introduced you. Anyway, get it back to romantic–

Daisy Rose: Comedies? We’re finishing each other’s sentences

Michael Che: Kinda! So, as a romantic comedy expert, what do you think of these new shows?

Daisy Rose: What do I think? What do I think honestly?

[music playing]

I think that… um, that maybe I was meant to be here tonight. Because I was meant to meet you.

Michael Che: That is not why we actually brought you here.

Daisy Rose: It’s just that … and I think– you go first.
Michael Che: You’re the only one going. So, maybe get back to talking about romantic comedy.

Daisy Rose: Look, I guess what I’m saying is, it’s New York city and it’s 6 days before Halloween. So, do you wanna just go somewhere and talk?

Michael Che: Daisy, I can’t go anywhere now. I’m in a middle of Update.

Daisy Rose: You’re always in the middle of Update. Why not in the beginning of something? Stop reading the cue cards out there and start reading the ones in here. [putting her hand over her heart]

Michael Che: Okay, I met you 70 seconds ago.
Daisy Rose: Well, if I don’t leave now, I’ll miss my flight. And you’ll lose me forever.

Michael Che: Well, then you better go.

Daisy Rose: Hey, listen, if we’re not both married and… I don’t know. Daisy Rose5, Michael Che0 minutes, do you want to meet at our special place? You know, the place where we first met?

Michael Che: You mean, right here?

Daisy Rose: Yes. So, what do you say? Do want to take a chance on us?

Michael Che: Absolutely not.

Daisy Rose: You have me at ‘Absolutely’.

Michael Che: Daisy Rose, everyone.

[Daisy Rose acting shy]