Weekend Update- Elon Musk Buys Twitter, Companies Cut Ties with Kanye West

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Elon Must and Twitter logo at left top corner.]

This week, Elon Musk officially bought Twitter for $44 billion, beating out the next highest offer of $0. Musk sent an open letter to advertisers saying that he doesn’t want Twitter to become a free for all hellscape because that’s his plan for Mars. I honestly don’t understand why people are so worried that Elon is going to ruin Twitter as if it’s this beloved American institution. It’s not like he bought Disney World. It’s like he bought the rest of Orlando.

Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Herschel Walker denied allegations from a second woman that he pushed her to have an abortion saying “I’m done with this foolishness,” which is also what Walker says when he takes off the condom. The woman claims that Walker drove her to an abortion clinic then waited in the parking lot for hours until she had the procedure. Not only that. While he was in the parking lot, he got two more women pregnant.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Fetterman and Dr. Oz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: John Fetterman, who is still recovering from a stroke, and Dr. Mehmet Oz met for their only debate before the midterms. And just like in his puppy experiments, Dr. Oz showed no mercy. Fetterman began his opening statement by saying “Good night everybody.” It was a bizarre baffling comment that debate watchers called his high point. Regardless of your politics, it’s never a great sign when most of the post debate commentary is from brain doctors. I really don’t understand why Fetterman was allowed to do this debate. Who’s his campaign manager? The Miami Dolphins concussion doctor? Also, it’s not Dr. Oz did great. He just did slightly better than a recent stroke victim. At one point, he said the decision to have abortion should include local political leaders, which sounds like a perfect way to get an abortion five years late and 60 million over budget.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Pelosi’s husband is gravely injured in hammer attack by an intruder” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Things are definitely getting way out of hand in this country because when I heard that a guy barged into a house with a hammer looking for Nancy Pelosi, my first thought was “Oh no, was it Kanye?” Kanye West has now been dropped by Adidas, the Gap, Balenciaga and all Bar Mitzvah playlists. In the wake of Kanye’s anti semitic comments, Adidas said it will stop making Yeezy shoes. Fans of Yeezy say it’s the worst thing that happened to them since any puddle. Kanye was also probably closed Donda Academy which is a private school that forces parents to sign non disclosure agreements. “Wait we can do NDAs?” said Catholic school priests.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Is it just me or did half the companies that dropped Kanye sound fake? I saw the headline “TJ Maxx cuts ties with Kanye.” I was like, “Did Kanye know he worked for TJ Maxx?” Also, unless we already associated you with Kanye, you didn’t have to announce you’re cutting ties. We didn’t need Peloton to announce, “We’re no longer playing Kanye’s music.” Thanks, peloton. Now we can rest easy knowing we won’t hear gold digger while we have a heart attack on your bike. At some point I actually started getting excited about who is going to announce next? Dippin Dots will no longer work with— Scrub Daddy is cutting ties— TCBY will discontinue their watch the cone menu featuring the hit flavor nougats and pretzels. The craziest one, which is somehow real, somehow real is that Goodwill dropped Kanye. They will no longer accept donations of Kanye’s clothing. Which is ironic because Kanye has lost enough money that he might need them.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rishi Sunak at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rishi Sunak will become Great Britain’s first ever Prime Minister of Indian descent. Said his mom, “Okay, why not King?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During a White House ceremony, President Biden wished Kamala Harris a happy birthday, then accidentally called her a great president. Even worse, he was talking to a portrait of Michelle Obama.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Postal Service announced a new stamp honoring the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. There’s also a stamp honoring Clarence Thomas that says “Flip me over and start licking.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of mathematical problem at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that during the pandemic, students math scores dropped by almost Colin Jost0%. Wow, so more than half!

The world’s largest timber tower and suspension bridge has opened in Michigan. “For now,” said beavers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Hijacked bus crashes into pole.”]

Michael Che: Police in Queens were searching for a suspect who hijacked a bus and then immediately crashed it into a utility pole. Okay, so we know it’s a woman.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Virgin Australia logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Virgin Australia is trying to get people to choose the middle seat by enrolling everyone who sits in those seats a chance to win over 200,000 in prizes. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines is offering a free bag of carrots if you sit in the bathroom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Training dogs to detect semen” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in England are now using specially trained dogs to detect semen at crime scenes. This replaces the old method of detecting semen, slipping on it.

Weekend Update- Drunk Uncle on Why He Hates Halloween

Colin Jost

Drunk Uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s almost Halloween. And families around the country are getting ready for parties and trick or treating. Here with his thoughts is our own drunk uncle.

[Michael Che slides in. He’s drunk.] [cheers and applause]

Michael Che: This is Halloween. This is Halloween. Halloween, Halloween, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Happy Halloween, everybody. I’m sorry, you can’t you can’t even say it’s All Hallows Eve anymore. You gotta call it All Hallows Steve.

Colin Jost: I don’t think you do. Drunk Uncle, are you ready for Halloween?

Michael Che: Halloween is for socialism, Colin. These kids today, they don’t even work hard jobs no more. You know? When I was a kid, we were shoeshine shimmy sweeps extra extra paper boys. You know? Nowadays, it’s just, “Excuse me. Can you Instacart me some mochi?” What? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Can you Minecraft my Metaverse please? No, you be real.

Colin Jost: All right. Well I guess you’re not excited for Halloween.

Michael Che: Tom was too good for Dizelle.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. What do you mean?

Michael Che: TikTok dance. TikTok dance. Okie dokie. You like it.

Colin Jost: I do. I do.

Michael Che: [yelling] The whole country is falling apart, Colin. Okay? Everybody’s quiet quitting now.

Colin Jost: Quiet quitting?

Michael Che: They’re quiet quitting. Excuse me. Okay. They’re quiet quitting. Excuse me. Quit. We used to quit loud because they hired a lady manager and we were scared. And also a few a couple of those immigrantes Illegados, if you know what I mean. Do you know?

Colin Jost: I think I know.

Michael Che: It’s me, Chris Pratt. Burf. Not my Mario.

[Michael Che falls asleep]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle?

Michael Che: Yes, I was here on January 6.

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: [singing] Take me home tonight, I don’t wanna bep bep bep be. [starts crying]

Colin Jost: Oh, drunk uncle.

Michael Che: Wild wild crocodile, okay? So I didn’t graduate from an elementary, okay? So I’ll never be beyond burgers, okay? Never. Big magma guilty of water Pounder with Cheese Malaya fishy hamburger with cheese burger, a happy meal. JFK blown away. What else do I have to say? That’s not me.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I don’t think that’s anyone.

Michael Che: Donda?

Colin Jost: No.

Michael Che: Donda? Donda?

Colin Jost: You don’t have to talk about Kanye.

Michael Che: Yes, I most certainly do, Colin. Okay? I’ve been listening to a whole lot of what he has to say.

Colin Jost: Oh, no.

Michael Che: Okay? And guess what? I think he might be crazy. That kind of talk doesn’t fly anymore. I learned a lot. I learned a lot during the pandemic more. Okay. I did the work. I know that Back Adams manner. Okay? I saw bros in theaters pal. Okay? And no homo? It was great. Okay, I said it before and I’ll say it again. Gay guys are still funnier than women.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right.

Michael Che: [knocking Colin’s forehead] Knock knock.

Colin Jost: Who’s there?

Michael Che: Elon?

Colin Jost: Elon who?

Michael Che: I don’t know. But he just made me CEO of Twitter.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

 

The View- Jack Harlow

Whoopi Goldberg… Ego Nwodim

Joy Bay Hart… Sarah Sherman

Sara Haines… Chloe Fineman

Sunny Hostin… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with the show intro] [Cut to the show set]

Whoopi: Hi, I’m Whoopi Goldberg. And I’m technically not the star of The View. But I am the only one here who has ever been asked for an autograph. And as always, I’m joined by the Pippin to my Jordan, Joy Bay Hart.

Joy: Oh, come on. I’m Rodman. Tell me I’m Rodman.

Whoopi: No, you ruin some hotel rooms in Vegas. That’s for sure. [laughing]  We’re also here with a couple of members of the B team.

Sunny: Thank you, Whoopi.

Sara: Very nice. Anyway, some of you may recall on Monday, our interview with Ted Cruz was interrupted by climate change protesters. But today we are looking forward to a more upbeat episode with a very exciting guest. Please welcome, Jack Harlow.

[Jack Harlow walks in]

Thanks for coming, Jack.

Jack Harlow: Hey ladies, thanks for having me. A can I just say, Whoopi, it’s an honor. You are an icon.

Whoopi: Oh all right. Don’t compliment me all quiet like that Jack. I have been closed for business since before you were born.

Jack Harlo: Well, I’m looking forward to the grand reopening.

Whoopi: No, no, no. Come on. I am a dead woman walking. Alright?

Sunny: Excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude to our guests but there is something I wanted to say about the protesters earlier this week. I—

Whoopi: No, no, no, we’re not doing this again. They came to the show talking about a stop big oil. Like, what do you want me to do?

Joy: It’s an important issue, Whoopi.

Whoopi: They want me to stop Big Oil? How? I don’t know him.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Save the planet? My god, I’m already saving our rating.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Joy.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Jack, what do you think?

Jack Harlow: It’s all good. But Whoopi, is it the global warming or is it just like getting a little hot in here?

Whoopi: Baby, please. We would never work. The only MCs I need in my life are my cats and my cigarettes.

Sara: Can I just say, personally I think we should speak about climate change.

Whoopi: Um-hmm. Okay. Okay, thank you sweetheart. But we moved on. Back to the matter at hand, the one and only Mr. Black Harlow.

Jack Harlow: Would you stop playing with me? It’s just Jack.

Joy: Well, I got a question for you Black. You and a lot of other rappers feature scantily clad women in your videos. Don’t you think that’s objectified to those girls?

Whoopi: Oh please. Those bimbos took the gig.

Joy: Come on, now, Whoopi.

Whoopi: I’m sorry, but it’s a music video.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: What they think it was for? A damn science video?

Joy: What on earth is a science video? Did I say that, Whoopi?

Whoopi: You did say that.

Joy: I did not say that.

Whoopi: You basically said that.

Joy: So Jack, what do you say?

Jack Harlow: Yeah, I guess I’ll just say there’s a lot of beautiful girls in my videos, but you know, right now what I need most is a woman.

Whoopi: Okay, I don’t know what you’re trying to do to me. But it is working. I’m feeling like Indiana Jones just stepped on a booby trap. Because my whole dusty cave has started to rumble.

Jack Harlow: I like that movie. Maybe we should watch it together sometime. I hope you’re not afraid of snakes.

Whoopi: Okay, Jack. Am I sensing a metaphor?

Jack Harlow: Whoopi, I’ve met a lot of fours (metaphor), but today I met a 10.

Joy: Wait a minute. So the snake was about his— Oh my god!

Whoopi: Well Joy, I am wet. And that’s all the time we have today folks. Bring it to mama.

PBS NewsHourRepublican Momentum Cold Open

Judy Woodruff…Heidi Gardner

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

Dr. Oz…Mikey Day

Kari Lake… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro] [Cut to 1 in her set]

Judy Woodruff: Good evening. I’m Judy Woodruff. And this is the PBS News Hour. We’re what’s your grandma’s talking about when she says “I saw this on the news.” With the midterms less than two weeks away, republicans appear to be surging with a strong closing message from candidates who have gone from underdogs to stars of the Republican Party. But how? Tonight we talked to three of them. First Senate candidate from Georgia, Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker: Yeah, hello, Judas. My name is Herschel Walker, Texas Ranger, and I’m running for President of the United Airlines.

Judy Woodruff: Next, here’s Pennsylvania’s Republican Senate candidate, Dr. Oz.

Dr. Oz: Hello, Judy. My Pennsylvania Phillies are in the World Series. And I just had a delicious Philadelphia cheese and steak. Yum.

Judy Woodruff: And also joining us is Arizona’s Republican candidate for governor, Kari Lake.

Kari Lake: Great to be with you, Judy, on your sweet little show full of lies.

Judy Woodruff: Okay, well, all three of you have been gaining in the polls the past few weeks, despite none of you having any political experience.

Herschel Walker: That’s absolutely right.

Dr. Oz: Right.

Kari Lake: Proud of it.

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Walker, you’re now within three points of Senator Raphael Warnock? Why is your support growing?

Herschel Walker: And that’s where I don’t know. See? The whole world is a mystery. Ain’ it? So for example, a thermos, it keeps the hot things hot, but also the cold things cold. But my question is, how do we decide? So we’re gonna be looking into that very much.

Judy Woodruff: Well, you’ve had a tough campaign. A second woman has now claimed you paid for her abortion. And your ex wife has said you once held a gun to her head. Why are millions of Georgia residents still voting for you?

Herschel Walker: Gas.

Judy Woodruff: Okay, gas prices are high. But is there more to it than that?

Herschel Walker: Well, of course there is. I’m fun. Look, if you want to get on the Jumbotron at the Falcons game, you’ll throw on a cardigan and start making sense. You take your shirt off and you shake your belly around. That’s what I’m doing. And people love me no matter what. Like, the great Trump Donald said, I could pay for the bus in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters. And that’s a promise for me, Herschel Walker potamus.

Judy Woodruff: Very well. Now Dr. Oz, you’ve caught up to your opponent John Fetterman recently surprising many in the media.

Dr. Oz: I sure have. Let’s remember I was a long shot, Judy. But I was told myself, you can win this election if you’re honest, if you’re fair, and if your opponent has a debilitating medical emergency. So we’re very lucky.

Judy Woodruff: Got it. Miss Lake, you’ve pulled ahead of your Democratic opponent Arizona Secretary of State Katie Hobbs.

Kari Lake: Yes, I have.

Judy Woodruff: Now you were a local news anchor and a Democrat for many years.

Kari Lake: Correct, yeah.

Judy Woodruff: And yet you’re gaining voters. Why?

Kari Lake: Because I’m normal, Judy. I’m just a regular hometown gal constantly and soft focus and lit like a 90’s Cinemax soft core. And frankly, I’ve just clicked with many of the wonderful terrified elderly people here in Arizona, the Florida of the West. Also, I’m a fighter. In my life, I’ve sent back over 2000 salads. And I’m not afraid to do the same thing with democracy.

Judy Woodruff: Very well. Now, one of your main campaign issues is the denial of the 2020 election.

Kari Lake: Can you mediate tags just get over the one thing I’ve made the center of my campaign for months and months? Arizonans want to talk about the issues that affect them, like crime in New York or crime in Detroit. And the most pressing issue, drag queen story time. Men dressing as loud sassy women introducing children to the joys of reading? Not on my watch.

Herschel Walker: Hey, can you pass it to me please? I’m open. Listen, Judas. We got babies in school out here identifying as a Pokemon. Okay. And that’s crazy. My son is a boy, last time I checked by text, you know? He certainly ain’t no Snorlax and that’s your science. Excuse me. I’m getting all worked up right now. My head is getting very, very hot.

Dr. Oz: Judy, we need to take care of ourselves. And I recommend the miraculous Alpha cyclo dextrin to help them lose 30 pounds in just one calendar day.

Judy Woodruff: Great. Now Miss Lake, you have proposed some big changes to local voting laws. If you become governor, do you promise to make sure everyone’s vote counts?

Kari Lake: Judy, I’ll make it easy. If the people of Arizona elect me, I’ll make sure they never have to vote ever again.

Judy Woodruff: Now some people are saying that kind of election denialism contributes to violence.

Kari Lake: Violence? What do you mean? Like crazy eyed men in tactical gear waving assault rifles next to ballot boxes? That’s just Arizona, baby. Look, nothing I say can be incendiary because I say it in TV voice. So jump on into Kari Lake, Arizona, because it’s placid and serene on top, but underneath it’s a whole lot of giardia.

Judy Woodruff: Ms. Lake, thank you for being here. And thank you to Dr. Oz and Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker: Go Halloween.

Judy Woodruff: When we return, JD Vance asked President Trump for money to go get an ice cream. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Kanye Skechers Commercial

[Starts with video clips of people jogging]

Cecily: Here at Skechers, we pride ourselves on two things, making stylish comfortable shoes at an affordable price and having zero tolerance for anti semitism.

Bowen: That’s why earlier this week when Kanye West showed up at our corporate office asking to work with us, we said no.

Chloe: No way.

Marcello: No.

Punkie: No, thank you.

Bowen: And we immediately escorted him out of the building.

Cecily: Like the rest of the country, we were appalled by Kanye is horrific comments, and we vow to never work with him in any capacity. But can we also point out that of all the companies he could have approached and been rejected by, he chose Skechers. Skechers has always been a hip edgy company.

Punkie: Everyone knows that. So of course, Kanye came to us first.

Chloe: Kanye came to Skechers and Skechers said no. Do you realize how insanely satisfying that is?

Cecily: I guess you could say that Skechers employees are kind of heroes. Like Celie maybe.

Bowen: Two years ago, could you have imagined the headline “Skechers too good for Kanye”?

Cecily: I actually feel high. Like I think this is what cocaine feels like.

Punkie: Corporate was like, “We can’t work with Kanye West. He’s crazy now.” I was like, “Now?”

Cecily: It took Adidas so many days to decide not to work with him. I mean, he walked in and we were like, “Bye. Bye-bye. Door!”

Bowen: And sure Kanye and Skechers would have been a perfect partnership. He’s always been a disruptor in the fashion industry.

Marcello: And we invented shoes you can wash in a washing machine.

Bowen: But again, we would never partner with him.

Chloe: Never.

Cecily: Absolutely not.

Bowen: Besides, what would you even call a Kanye Skechers shoe anyway? The Skeezy? it’s actually not bad.

Marcello: But we’re not doing it.

Chloe: Right. Because of the anti semitism.

Cecily: I’m proud to work for Skechers. I mean, when’s the last time I’ve said that? All we want is for people to know where Skechers stands.

Chloe: And for a little recognition of how cool this makes us look.

Cecily: But it’s not all about us. It’s not like all birds is fighting the fight.

Bowen: Now I noticed we haven’t heard anything from Crocs not saying Crocs is anti semitic. I just think it’s interesting we haven’t heard from them.

Cecily: And if you want to tweet your support to Sketchers, just a reminder, there’s no ‘T’ in Sketchers. #SketchersHeroes. No ‘T’ in heroes either. But I think people know that.

Bowen: So thanks, but no thanks, Kanye.

Marcello: We don’t need you.

Chloe: We don’t stand with you.

Cecily: And we might mess up in the future. But we didn’t this time.

Bowen: And besides, I’m sure Kanye will find some morally dubious company to work with instead.

[Cut to My Pillow commercial]

Mike Lindell: He’s sure will. Hey, it’s me Mike Lindell, founder of My Pillow. And I’m proud to announce that we are starting ties with Kanye West. In fact, immediately.

Male voice: My Pillow, Sketcher’s trash is My Pillow’s treasure.

Joker Wedding

Patch… Jack Harlow

Dooney… Heidi Gardner

Pastor… James Austin Johnson

Clint… Andrew Dismukes

Becca… Chloe Fineman

Uncle Tag… Mikey Day

Grandma Judy… Sarah Sherman

Jeff Probst

Patch: And Dooney, no matter come hell or high water. I’m gonna love you till I got no more love to give, I swear that to you.

Dooney: Whatever.

Pastor: That was beautiful patch. Now if anyone here has reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Dooney: Yeah, got a reason.

Patch: Babe, what are you doing?

Dooney: Just saying I don’t know. I feel like marrying you no more on account of your best man came to our wedding dress like Joker.

[The best man is dressed up as Joker with make up and everything]

Clint: Y’all don’t like me dressed like Joker?

Dooney: No, Clint, I don’t like it. I know we’re getting married on Halloween night, but I don’t like it being dressed like Joker.

Clint: You’re getting married on Halloween night. I thought I could dress like Joker.

Patch: Clint, I told you multiple times, we wasn’t doing costumes at the wedding.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know, but I said not to.

Clint: But I said I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know. But when you said you were gonna do that, I said do not do that.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: You ruined my wedding, Clint.

Clint: I ruined your whole wedding just because I’m dressed like Joker?

Dooney: Yes, Clint. When I was a little baby girl dreaming about my wedding, my husband’s best man wasn’t dressed like Joker.

Clint: I didn’t want to ruin your wedding, Dooney. I just want to dress like Joker.

Patch: Dooney, baby. Please, if Clint goes take off the Joker stuff right now, can we please still be bridegroom?

Dooney: Okay, then. If Clint goes stop being Joker, then we can still be bride and groom.

Patch: Yes, thank you baby. Clint, go to the bathroom now, take off all the Joker.

Clint: I won’t change out of Joker.

Patch: Come on, Clint, you’re my best friend. You know I’ve been wanting to marry Dooney ever since I saw her.

Clint: And you know everyone to dress like Joker ever since last Halloween when I saw a guy dressed like Joker. I said next year I’m gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: But I don’t want you to be Joker no more, Clint.

Clint: Well, I do wanna be Joker, Dooney. I think everybody here should get to vote on if I get to be Joker, if I got to be not be Joker no more.

Patch: Fine. Well vote on it.

Dooney: No, Patch.

Patch: Well, he’s right Dooney. If everybody else wants him still be Joker, he should get to still be Joker.

Dooney: Well then, I guess I don’t want to be bride and groom no more.

Patch: I do want to be bride and groom with you, Dooney, more than anything in this here earth. But we’re getting married on Halloween now. We got to respect that some people go show up dressed like Joker. We lucky we only got one Joker. This place is going to be crawling with Jokers, Dooney.

Pastor: It’s settled then. By the power vested in me by the State of Kentucky, we will now vote on Joker.

Patch: Alright. Cousin Becca, do you think Clint should or should not get to still be Joker?

Becca: Clint, I understand that is Halloween night, and on Halloween night you should get to be Joker.

Clint: Thank you.

Becca: But if Dooney don’t want you to be Joker so much that she won’t marry Patch no more, then my vote is you should not get to be Joker.

Patch: Thank you cousin Becca. Uncle Tag, are you pro Joker or no Joker?

Uncle Tag: Dooney, there is nothing more I want than for you and my little nephew to be bride and groom.

Dooney: Me too, uncle Tag.

Uncle Tag: However, given that it is Halloween night, the one night a year in which everyone is allowed to be Joker, I vote that Clint should continue to be Joker.

Patch: Grandma Judy, it’s down to you. Should Clint or should not Clint continue to be Joker at our wedding?

Grandma Judy: Dooney, you make the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.

Dooney: Thank you, Grandma Judy, that’s so sweet.

Grandma Judy: And Clint, you know I never liked you. You are a skunk and an alcoholic. But I’ll be damned if you don’t exactly look like Joker.

Clint: Thank you Grandma Judy. I will cherish that.

Patch: Grandma Judy, have you made your decision?

Grandma Judy: I have.

Patch: Okay, then survivors Jeff Probst, please share the results.

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Probst: Dooney, the tribe has spoken. [pulls out a sheet of paper from a pot] Clint gets to be Joker.

Dooney: No.

Jeff Probst: You need to bring me a torch. Congratulations, Clint, you get to be Joker.

Clint: Whoo! Jeff Probst said I get to be Joker. Let’s go, boy.

Jack Harlow Monologue

Jack Harlow

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Harlow.

[Jack Harlow walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jack Harlow: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This is incredible. My name is Jack Harlow and it’s been a big year for me. I put out my second album. I went on a world tour. I just shot my first movie White Men Can’t Jump. And a lot of people have been saying I’m the GOAT. They don’t mean greatest of all time, they mean that one from Narnia.

Yeah, I don’t know what it is about me but people on the internet, they liked the roast me. I don’t mind I think it’s funny. One guy said I don’t know why y’all think Jack Harlow is so special, you can find somebody who looks like him at any local gas station. I’ve heard them say I look like if you tried to draw Justin Timberlake from memory. I think my favorite one might be Jack Harlow looks like the guy who rips the tickets in half the movie theaters. Do y’all agree?

There’s also a strange amount of rumors about me. Some people think I’m only 5’10’, stop it. Other people think I was created by the CIA? No telling. Some people have even gone as far as to accuse me of being white.

I seen a lot of kids running around dressed as me for Halloween too. And I just want to say like cut it out because my culture is not a costume. I’ve also heard people try to romantically link me and little NAS X’s item. But I’m going to tell you right now. No, everything that happened between us was casual and consensual, and one of the best nights of my entire life. Working with him. Working with him.

You know? What’s really crazy though, is that this show is live. Like, really live. It’s one of the last real live shows. Basically, it’s just this in the office. So… I can really do anything right now. Like technically, no one can stop me. I don’t even have to stay on the stage. In fact, I think I’d like to leave this stage.

[gets a mic from someone]

Thank you.

[walks to the audience]

What’s your name?

Mikayla: Mikayla.

Jack Harlow: Everybody, give it up for Mikayla please.

[cheers and applause]

Is there anything, with the world watching, you’d like to say?

Mikayla: Huge Jack Harlow fan.

Jack Harlow: Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Thank you so much. Everyone says to give it up for Mikayla. Wow.

[walks back to the stage]

That’s beautiful. I just want to give a shout out to my family. My mom and dad are here tonight. My grandparents are here tonight. I’m so grateful for you. Y’all are the reason I get to stand on this stage and say- We have a great show for you tonight. I’m here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Horror Movie Trailer

[Starts with Mikey and Chloe watching movie at night]

Mikey: I’m gonna get some more popcorn. You want some?

Chloe: Sure.

Male voice: Sometimes a familiar face can be the most terrifying.

Speaker on TV: In political news, President Biden has said he intends to run for reelection in 2024.

Chloe: No.

Male voice: You trusted him once.

Mikey: I know he’s a little old, but he could still win. Right? He beat Trump

Chloe: But can he beat DeSantis?

Mikey: I don’t know. [screaming] I don’t know.

Male voice: Can you trust him again?

Punkie: [researching on the internet] He’s 79 now. Election is in two years. So that means— [Punkie does the calculation and gets scared with the result]

Male voice: When it feels like nothing’s going right.

Bowen: Gas prices are still kind of high.

Male voice: Even though it kind of is.

Chloe: Why are we so worried? He’s done so much. Student debt relief. Holding NATO together. Infrastructure bill.

Mikey: But he fell off his bike once.

[The TV turns on by itself. There plays a vide of Joe Biden falling off his bike.] [everyone is screaming]

Heidi: Wait. According to this article, he’s not actually going to run in 2024. He’s just saying he is to present a united front before the midterms.

Punkie: What a relief.

Bowen: Yeah. I mean, I love the guy but he did his part.

Chloe: If Biden’s not gonna run, who will?

Male voice: Just when you thought the terror was over.

Bowen: [panicking] I don’t know. I don’t know. Kamala?

Chloe: [slaps Bowen] Wake up.

Male voice: You realize it’s just beginning.

Bowen: There’s gotta be someone.

Heidi: Cory Booker.

Chloe: He’s corny.

Heidi: Mayor Pete?

Chloe: [holding Heidi tight] Listen to yourself.

Male voice: The producers of Smile and the twisted minds of Morning Joe.

[door knocking] [Everyone looks at the door but no one goes to open it. Someone slides in ‘Beto 2024’ brochure.]

Punkie: Guys.

[Theres ‘Bernie’ written on the wall with blood]

Chloe: Not again.

Mikey: [looking at the wall] [in scary voice] I have the perfect candidate.

Chloe: Babe?

Mikey: A superstar who can go all the way. [He turns around. He’s got blood in his mouth.] Hillary.

[everyone is screaming]

Male voice: Sometimes, your best option.

Mikey: I’m with her. I’m with her. I’m with her.

Male voice: Is the one you fear the most.

Chloe: There has to be someone.

Bowen: Biden maybe? Are we back to Biden?

Punkie: Yeah, I like Biden.

Chloe: Yeah, Biden. So, Biden?

Mikey: Biden’s great. Right? He’s Biden.

Male voice: 2020 Part 2, 2024, coming in 2023.

Halloween Red Carpet Show

Tina Lefaye… Cecily Strong

Dean Dumont… Mikey  Day

[Starts with video clips of people walking around in Halloween costumes]

Male voice: Live from the sidewalk, it’s the post Halloween red carpet special.

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: Welcome, everyone. I’m Tina Lefaye. It’s 2:53AM on Halloween night and the streets are absolutely packed with adults in costumes, leaving bars and parties and trying to figure out how to get back to where they live. And the stars are out tonight. Aren’t they Dean?

Dean: They sure are, Tina. [there’s a person wearing dinosaur costume walking like he’s drunk behind Dean]In fact, look who’s already here. A drunk guy in an inflatable dinosaur costume. And I think he’s gonna fall and get hurt.

[the guy in dinosaur costume falls down]

There it is. Tina?

Tina: Well, Dean, I’m here with an absolute icon of the post Halloween scene. [Chloe is looking around for her Uber] A wasted white girl who can’t find her Uber.

Chloe: I am here. Where are you?

Tina: Now Miss, I see you’re holding your shoes instead of wearing them. Can I ask why?

Chloe: Blizzards. [on phone] Dude, oh my god, speak Eng-gish.

Tina: Oh-oh, things are getting racist here. So Dean, back to you.

Dean: All right. I’m here with another late night Halloween star. A guy who is upset people didn’t appreciate his costume.

[There’s a guy wearing a suit who has a palm stuck on his cheek]

Devon: Look, man, I’ll a “Slap Chris Rock” It’s funny. This is a genius costume, man. Whatever. People are dumb.

Dean: Okay, amazing. Tina.

Tina: Okay, now I rarely get starstruck. But just beside me is a staple of post Halloween everywhere. It’s a guy who really wants you to ask about his costume. So I see you claim to be the scariest thing in the world. And what is that?

Marcello: The patriarchy. [showing back of his t-shirt]

Tina: And I see patriarchy is spelled wrong. Now, you clearly hope this costume would get you laid. Has it worked?

Marcello: No. But uh, the night is young.

Tina: Hard pass. Dean.

Dean: Tina, we were hoping he’d show up tonight. And he has it’s a frat guy dressed as a giant tampon.

Jack: What up? Sigma.

Dean: Sigma. How are you tonight?

Jack: I’m chillin, bro. Sigma.

Dean: All right, sigma. Now I have to ask, how has the costume gone over?

Jack: I mean, the vibe I’m getting is like people were chill, laughter at us. Like, women who are like smart are disgusted by me.

Dean: Okay. And what’s next for you tonight?

Jack: I’ll probably get in some legal trouble or something. But my dad will handle that for me. So.. You know where I can score some coke?

Dean: I’m sorry. I don’t. Tina.

Tina: Not the last time we’ll be asked if we know where to get coke tonight. Now I’m here with a real highlight of the post Halloween scene. A guy who was in a group costume but lost his friends.

Bowen: My friends and I went as the village peoplem but I can’t find them. And now, everyone thinks I’m a real cop. I’m not. This is a squirt gun. It’s filled with tequila. I need my friends. Where are my friends?

Tina: Yikes. Dean?

Dean: Well, we heard a rumor she’d be making an appearance. It’s an impossibly drunk Dora the Explorer. And this was fun. She so- Whoa! Ha-ha. She’s so faded. She’s only saying one thing and it has absolutely nothing to do with her costume.

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: One more time.

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: All right. And why are you saying Tom Brady?

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: Okay, well, best of luck tonight. And I hope you find your pants. Tina.

Tina: Okay. Well, I don’t think he’s going to stop. But behind me you can see the sober middle aged man who is trying to walk his dog.

Sober man: Excuse me. Excuse me. People live here. Thank you.

Tina: Dean.

Dean: Well, here’s something you don’t normally see at 3AM. It’s a dad who clearly forgot to take his kid trick or treating earlier.

Kenan: Yeah, go and ask him for some candy.

Dean: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t have any. Can I ask? Why you have a child out at three in the morning?

Kenan: You can ask Sheila. She texted me at 8PM saying I’m dropping them off. And I say not my weekend, Sheila. I’m getting my drink on right now, Sheila. And she says it is your weekend, which turned out it actually was. Anyway, we are here so it’s fine.

Dean: Okay, now what’s your child dressed as?

Kenan: Oh, he had Chipotle bag.

Dean: Wow, look at that. That’s so cool, buddy. Yeah. Oh, wow, Tina.

Tina: Wow, indeed. Well, we have to take a break. But we have so much more ahead, including trying to figure out if the guy behind me is dressed as Dahmer, or is an actual pervert.

Dean: I vote for pervert. Plus more with our bad dad.

Kenan: Hey, man. I’m a good dad. You know where I can get some coke?

Dean: I do not. Keep it right here.

David Pumpkins Returns

Ego Nwodim

Andrew Dismukes

Jack Harlow

David Pumpkins… Tom Hanks

The skeletons… Bobby Moynihan, Mikey Day

[Starts with people waiting outside a door]

Ego: Finally, I can’t believe we had to wait an hour and a half for a stupid ride.

Andrew: I can. Cellblock 666 is supposed to be the scariest ride in Fright Nights history.

Jack: Yeah. There’s all these TikToks people passing out and puking and stuff. If I pass out, don’t help me. Film it. And post it. Please.

[the door opens]

Kenan: Hello and hell-come to Cellblock 666 right this way.

[they walk in and take seats]

Ego: Oh my god. I’m already scared.

Kenan: You are about to embark on a terrifying tour of this petrifying prison, where each sale holds iconic frights from the silver scream. Let the tour begin. We are approaching our first stop. Time to meet the sin mates. Ha-ha-ha. Open Cell 600.

[The cell door opens. Jason just killed a nurse by stabbing. The door closes.]

Jack: Yo, Michael Morris just made me lowkey jump. This ride is awesome.

Kenan: Only time will hell. The next cell is upon us. Open cell 661

[The cell door opens. There’s Annabelle.]

Annabelle: My name is Annabelle. Can you play with me?

[Annabelle starts running towards the door. The door closes.]

Ego: No. I hate Annabelle. I can’t wait that little bitch.

Jack: I really might pass out for real. Have you phones ready.

Kenan: You’ll never be ready for the horror that you’ll find in cell 662.

[The cell door opens. There’s David Pumpkins and the two skeletons.] [cheers and applause]

David Pumpkins: I am David Pumpkins. And I’m going to scare you stupid.

[Music stars playing. David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing.]

Any questions?

[The door closes]

Kenan: Are you shaking in your boots?

Andrew: No. I’ve seen like every horror movie ever and none of them had David pumpkins in it.

Jack: True, but I was kind of feeling David pumpkins though. Nice change of pace.

Kenan: Silence. A new terror awaits. Open cell 663.

[The cell door opens. There’s Pennywise]

Pennywise: New balloon too. Aha-ha-ha-ha.

[The door closes]

Andrew: Yeah, see? Pennywise make sense because he was in a horror movie.

Ego: Babe, it’s just a ride.

Andrew: I just want it to be consistent.

Kenan: Shh. The next segment is dying to meet you. Open cell 664.

[The cell door opens. There’s again, David Pumpkins and the two skeletons.]

David Pumpkins: Miss me?

Andrew: No, who are you?

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins, man.

Andrew: Right. David pumpkins from?

David Pumpkins: Before.

Andrew: We know.

Ego: I think he just wants to know what your deal is. Like, Annabelle is a possessed doll. David Pumpkins is?

David Pumpkins: Taking it one day at a time.

Andrew: And the skeletons are?

The skeletons: Next to him.

David Pumpkins: Now, watch this.

[Music stars playing. David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing.]

What’s my name?

The skeletons: David S Pumpkins.

David Pumpkins: And where am I from?

The skeletons: Ibiza.

[The door closes]

Andrew: Si, mucho. He’s from Spain? He doesn’t even have an accent.

Jack: Yo, he said it was from there. It doesn’t mean he grew up there. Let him write his own story.

Andrew: Stop taking David Pumpkin’s side, dude.

Ego: David S Pumpkins, babe.

Kenan: Shh. Our next up is dead ahead. Open cell 665.

[The cell opens. There’s Freddy.]

Freddy: The star of your nightmares is indeed David Pumpkins.

[David Pumpkins and the skeletons walk in dancing] [The door closes]

Jack: Yo, I didn’t see David Pumpkins coming, man. That was fire.

Andrew: Why are you so on board with David Pumpkins?

Ego: Babe, just ignore him.

Andrew: I can’t. He’s most of this ride. Sir, why is there so much David pumpkins in this?

Kenan: Hey Look man, we spend a lot of money on Pennywise and Freddy Kruger, okay? There wasn’t a lot of money room left in the budget. Now set it up. We hear the infamous cell 666.

[The cell door opens. There are the skeletons but not David Pumpkins.]

Andrew: Okay, why is it just you guys now?

The skeletons: Don’t worry about it.

[Music starts playing. The skeletons are dancing.]

Happy Halloween from us.

[David Pumpkin is standing behind the three of them]

David Pumpkin: And me.

Andrew: Oh my god.