Weekend Update- The Village People on Donald Trump Using Their Music

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, if you’ve been watching the Trump rallies, you’ve probably noticed Trump dancing to the village people. If you haven’t, let’s take a look.

[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump dancing during his rally.] [Cut back to Colin Jost]

Yeah, it’s wonderful. So, here now with a message in response to Donald Trump are the village people.

[music playing] [Village people walk in to the set dancing]

Kenan: [singing] Stop it, yeah I’m talking to you
I said stop it, this is long over due
because we never said that we support you
you must pay us to use our songs

Donald, because of all your lies
we’re playing hardball and we got a surprise
he’s a lawyer who you might recognize
he is Alan Dershowitz
He’s gonna send you a cease and desist
get ready for a cease and desist
Alan knows where you been, yeah he knows what you’ve seen
on that island with Epstein

[Colin Jost stands]

Colin Jost: Hey, hey, hey. [music stops] Hold on. You can’t just say that.

Kenan: What? I mean, why? It’s just music, man. We’ll just sing it.

Colin Jost: No, because that’s a really serious allegation. Also, isn’t Alan Dershowitzz for Trump?

Kenan: Oh, he flipped.

Colin Jost: And do all of you feel the sam way about this? I mean you’re all from different walks of life, right?

All: Yes.

Kenan: I mean it’s kind of complicated. You see…

[music playing] [singing] The soldier said that you let him down
and the gay man said you don’t want him around
and the native is sick with covid-Colin Jost9
only the construction workers still believes

[the construction worker with them is wearing a MAGA t-shirt]

Although he is only one man
he must comply with all of our demands
so we voted and came up with a plan,
we will strike at any moment
I promise you we will shave Ivanka’s head
you’re damn right we’re gonna shave Ivanka’s head
we’ll set up a fake salon, yeah it won’t be that hard
and she’ll look like a leprechaun

[Colin Jost stands again]

Colin Jost: Hey! Hey! Stop. Wait. You’re saying you’re going to shave Ivanka’s head? You can’t just say that. That’s gotta be a felony.

Kenan: Hey, man. Everything is legal if you sing it in a song.

Colin Jost: That’s not true. Village People everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Melissa Villaseñor on How to Quarantine Alone

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Many Americans are preparing to quarantine again this winter. Here to offer her tips on quarantining alone is our very own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. [cheers and applause] Hey, nice suit.

Colin Jost: Thanks, Melissa. We’re all back at work now. But before that, you spend most of quarantine by yourself, right?

Melissa Villaseñor: Wow, Colin, way to throw it in my face. I say nice suit and you say “You’re always alone.”

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m sorry. That was pretty harsh. Sorry, Melissa.

Melissa Villaseñor: It’s okay. It’s alright. But you’re right, though. I’ll be honest. It wasn’t super fun all the time. Like, at first, all I wanted to do was watch silly stupid stuff. So, I found that old show ‘The Little Rascals’. Colin, would laugh so hard, I couldn’t make out a single word they were saying. They sounded like this. “[gibberish] Oh, no. [gibberish] hamburger.”

Colin Jost: Yeah. All I understood was hamburger.

Melissa Villaseñor: I was like, “Man, it must have been so fun to be a little rascal. Then I looked it up. It was not very fun to be a little rascal.

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s a bummer to look into. Yeah.

Melissa Villaseñor: You know what always cheers me up though? Exercising. One day I was doing a wall sit for a whole minute. I don’t mean to brag. Then I sneezed like this. [squeaky voice like she is getting ready to sneeze] All my gamers out there know what sounds like, right? Link from Zelda. So I’m sitting there, legs on fire, sneezing like Link doing somersaults. And then, I peed a little. It happens, you know? It was funny. You should have been there.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. No, really bummed I missed it.

Melissa Villaseñor: I also got pretty creative. I remember I saw that TikTok of that guy skateboarding to Fleetwood Mac. So I thought I’d recreate it myself, you know? But instead of cranberry juice, I was holding my cat Ella. So, I’m skateboarding, holding Ella, singing to her.

[singing] Now here you pour again
you say you want your dinner
wait I don’t know how to skateboard
I’m falling down into a creek
oh, no, I peed again.

Colin Jost: Wow, again, huh?

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. I’m glad you weren’t there for that one. But Colin, I couldn’t have gone through quarantine without relaxing music. And my favorite is Sia. Because she always sounds like she’s bumbled up and cozy in bed. Right? Just…

[singing] Party girls don’t get hurt
Can’t feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down,
[yawning] push it down

Come on, Sia. Start the day!

Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: I wanna tickle my friends again.

Weekend Update- Jeffrey Toobin Zooms & Mitch McConnell’s Hands

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Toobin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New Yorker reporter Jeffrey Toobin has been suspended after getting caught masturbating on a Zoom call. And he’s from the New Yorker, so you know that jerk was dry as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.] [Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Whatever, man. I stand by it.

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell seen here after physically fighting with death, did not answer questions about bruises and bandages seen on his face and hand saying there were no concerns. By the way, ‘no concerns’ is what McConnell whispers when he sees a baby stroller rolling down hill into on coming traffic.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Popeyes chicken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oh, man! Popeyes chicken announced that they’re bringing back cajun style turkeys for thanksgiving. It’s a red piece of good news for people who spent thanksgiving at Popeyes.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Nasa logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Nasa has announced plans to put a full 4G cellphone network on the moon. While AT&T has announced plans to put almost two bars on your earth phone.

[Picture changes to Elton John]

Mattel announced plans for an Elton John themed barbie doll. “Finally”, said Ken. [Picture changes to the Ken doll] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Phil Collins at left top corner.]

Michael Che: The ex wife of singer Phil Collins has allegedly occupied their Miami mansion and hired armed guards to protect it. In the mean time, Collins is staying at a nearby stu-stu-studio apartment.

[picture changes to a boar]

Residents in Rome are upset after a wild boar and her six piglets were killed on a playground near the Vatican. But it’s like they say, nothing good ever happens on a playground near the Vatican. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a clock at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: German researchers have recorded the shortest interval of time for an even to begin and end. The event finished so quickly, scientists have named it “Che”. [Picture changes to Michael Che.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nelly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rapper Nelly will be appearing on a new line of Budweiser cans, right under the word ‘missing’.

Weekend Update- Final Presidential 2020 Debate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of final presidential debate at left top corner.]

Well, the final presidential debate took place on Thursday and the actual CNN headline after was, “Trump behaved more like a regular person.” That’s not a description of a president. It’s like the description of a robot from ‘West World’. This debate was so frustrating to watch. Did anyone else find themselves yelling lines at the screen that they wish Biden had said? Like when Trump talked about how good he has been for the stock market, it was like, “Joe, the stock market when you were vice president went up four times higher than Trump’s stock market. You have the ball. You’re standing above the rim. Why will you not dunk it?” Or when Trump said that Biden is all talk and no action, why didn’t Biden just say, “Bitch, show us your taxes, show us the vaccine, show us the wall and show us what prison you locked Hillary in?” Truly, it was like Biden had an open field running for a touchdown and then this happened.

[Cut to a video clip of a football game where a player is running for a touch down far from everybody else, but then he falls down and gets caught.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump claimed that he was the least racist person in the room which is only something the most racist person in the room would say. You never hear Martin Luther King say, “I’m the least racist.” Nobody is expecting you to be the least racist. I’d just settle for ‘not so racist anymore.’ When you lie that big, it makes you look more guilty. Like, when my uncle told me he doesn’t get high anymore while he was holding my TV. I hate that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: You also know politics in 2020 is stupid when some of the best investigative journalism is being done by Borat. Rudy Giuliani is denying he did anything wrong after a controversial scene in the new Borat movie in which he’s alone in a hotel room with a female reporter, puts his hands down his pants and appears to start touching himself. Unfortunately we can’t show you the video. Not because it violates standards, but because anyone who watches it dies in seven days.

Giuliani defended himself by explaining that he had to lay down on the bed to tuck in his shirt. Which I think is an actual punchline to a “Yo mama’s so fat” joke.

[Cut o Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rates of coronavirus are spiking in almost every state as country braces for a possible third peak. But are we actually bracing though? Because the first time, people would have night fight over lysol and toilet paper, and now people are back to just eating buffalo wings outside just licking on their fingers. It’s gross. Am I the only one still terrified by this? Remember when Tom Hanks got it like, five years ago/six months ago? And we all sat there teary eye thinking we might lose Forest Gump? Now a whole football team gets sick and they just move the game. I don’t know where I’m going with this. It has been a really weird week and I really, really thought the president was going to die.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama giving speech for Biden at left top side.]

Colin Jost: Former president Barack Obama was also back on the campaign throughout this week. It was jarring to see. Obama’s presidency seemed so long ago, it’s easy to forget he’s 15 years younger than either of the candidates. You know who else is younger than the current candidates? The guys we elected in the years 2000 and 1992. Is it just me or is that insane? This election is equivalent of a baseball team giving a four year deal to Willie Mays now.

Visiting Grandma

Ego Nwodim

Adele

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Lauren Holt

Grandma… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with four young people walking in a nursing home]

Ego: I’m so glad that we could all get together to visit grandma.

Adele: So, how does this work? We go inside the nursing home.

Chris: No, they’re keeping quarantine since old but we can stand in that courtyard and shoutout to a balcony.

Pete: Yeah. Like Romeo and Juliet, except, old.

Adele: Oh, there she comes.

[Cut to grandma walking to the balcony with a nurse]

Nurse: Okay. Blanch, I think there’s some people here to see you.

Grandma: Why?

Adele: Grandma, down here.

Ego: Hi, grandma.

Grandma: What?

Pete: Look down, grandma.

Grandma: Oh, grandchildren.

Adele: Hi, grandma. Yoo-hoo.

Grandma: Oh, baby. Are you cold?

Adele: No. I’m wearing the scarf you knit me. I’m nice and warm. Don’t worry.

Grandma: You did what?

Adele: I’m wearing the scarf you made me. See? [showing the scarf]

Grandma: You said my scarf?

Adele: No, you made me a scarf on my birthday and I’m wearing it.

Grandma: It’s amazing. Who’s that man?

Adele: Oh, grandma, this is my boyfriend, Kevin. You remember Kevin.

Grandma: Oh, Arizona.

Pete: That’s right. I’m from Arizona.

Grandma: Okay. So, what’s going with work?

Adele: Oh, it’s crazy busy. People always need jokes. And you know, that’s what we sell.

Grandma: No, not you. The boyfriend.

Pete: Me? Oh! Didn’t expect that. I’m in a bit of an interesting state right now. My contract ended back in April and now I’m kind of helping my buddy with a start up which just got an angel investor. It’s super exciting. It’s just taking a while to come through.

Grandma: What?

Pete: Oh. I was saying my last job ended and right now I’m sort of in a holding pattern helping a friend get his business off the ground. But it’s a waiting game.

Grandma: What?

Adele: He said he’s in a holding pattern. Slower because of covid.

Pete: Yeah, I’m mostly just putting out feelers for different gigs.

Grandma: You what?

Pete: I’m unemployed and I don’t have a job.

Grandma: Oh, okay.

Pete: I want one and I don’t have one. I’m trying to get one but no one will let me have one. I don’t have a job.

Adele: But I do have a job and he does not, and that bothers both of us so much.

Pete: Yeah, because the money she makes, I have to take some of it because I don’t have a job.

Grandma: Alright.

Nurse: Blanch, why don’t you show them the bracelet that you made today?

[Grandma shows the bracelet that she’s wearing]

Adele: Oh, that’s lovely.

Chris: Grandma, you’ll like this. I bought a record player.

Grandma: Where is Devin?

Chris: Okay, shot down.

Grandma: One of you has a muscular husband, Devin. Where is handsome Devin?

Ego: Right, that’s me. Grandma, Devin and I went through a lot with quarantine and we realized that– Well, there is this relationship expert, Ester Parell, who says that French people don’t ask their partner to also be their lover and their best friend. You know?

Grandma: What?

Ego: I was saying the pressure of being around each other without any distraction, we realized we weren’t good at being married to each other.

Grandma: What?

Ego: He said he wanted to be open.

Grandma: Open what?

Ego: He ducked my ass, grandma. We had a three way and he liked her better.

Grandma: Okay.

Ego: Yeah. He opened the relationship to her and closed it to me. They now live together in my house.

Grandma: Okay.

Ego: Yeah. I still live in the house because that’s where I’m at right now.

Grandma: Okay.

Nurse: Do you understand what she means, Blanch? She had a man and he’s gone now?

Grandma: Yes. And the other man?

Pete: Me? I’m still unemployed.

Adele: Yes. When I wake up, I go to work and when he wakes up, he just stays in the bed.

Pete: I a like a pet. I do not have money.

Adele: I am dating a man with no job.

Grandma: Okay.

Nurse: Maybe it’s time for dinner.

Chris: Wait, grandma, you said you revised your will and wanted to read it to us, right?

Grandma: Right. Right. [Nurse hands over the will to Grandma. Grandma puts on her glasses and starts reading.] Okie, dokie. Here we go. My dearest grandchildren. As you know, I have lived a long interesting life full of travels, celebrations, casinos and shopping sprees.

Ego: What?

Grandma: While some say you need to put away for a rainy day–

Pete: What?

Grandma: — I have always believed life is a lemon that needs to be squeezed.

Adele: There’s no inheritance, is there?

Grandma: Nope, spent it. Broke.

Pete: I appreciate that.

Adele: Got it.

Ego: Makes sense.

Chris: Thanks grandma.

Pete: Bye granma.

Grandma: Alright, see you.

The Bachelor

Ben K … Beck Bennett

Hannah C. … Heidi Gardner

Hannah Alexis C. … Chloe Fineman

Adele

Lauren Holt

[Starts with ‘The Bachelor’ intro]

Male voice: Tonight on abc, it’s a special bonus season of ‘The Bachelor’. And this time he’s 5’11″… and a half!

[Cut to Ben K]

Ben K: Hey, there. I’m Ben K. When I was in high school, I threw a shopping card at a gay kid’s head. But now I’m here ready to final up. And there’s so many incredible girls to choose from.

[Cut to introduction of the ladies]

Hannah C.: Hi. I’m Hannah C. I’m 20. And I have the oldest face for young person you’ll ever see.

Hannah Alexis C.: Hey, I’m Hannah Alexis C. I’m 21 and next year, I’ll be 22.

Adele: Hi, I’m Adele Adkins. I’m 32. You may know me for being the singer Adele. I’m here coz I’ve had a lot of heart break in my life. First at 19 and then sort of famously at 21 and then even more famously at 25. But I have a relly good feeling about Ben K. It’s only night one, yes. But I can already tell he’s going to be the next love of my life.

[Cut to the show where Ben K is talking to the girls.]

Ben K: Hey, girls. I just want to say this has been such a great night. I really enjoyed laughing with each and everyone of you. Even though none of us ever said a joke once. [all girls laughing] And this was a hard decision but I’ve decided to give the first impression to Hannah C.

Adele: Wait, what? You’re giving it to Hannah C.?

[music starts playing. The lights dim and the focus light is on Adele. She stands and walks up front to sing.] [singing] I heard that you’re settled down
that you found a girl and you’re married now

Ben K: Adele?

Adele: I hear that your dreams came true.

Ben K: Adele! Adele! [music stops] Hey, sorry. I am not married to Hannah C. It was just the one rose. You’re still in this.

Adele: I am?

Hannah C.: Yes, girl. There’s like, 40 episodes left. So, I’d pace yourself emotionally. Coz we’ve been here for 10 minutes and you’ve already sung that a few times.

Adele: Oh god. Sorry about that. Sorry.

[Cut to Ben K]

Ben K: Yeah, I’d say out of all the girls in the house so far, I probably have the most in common with Hannah C and the least in common with pop superstar Adele. But our relationship is the one that’s moving the fastest mainly because Adele is making you do that.

[Cut to Ben K and Adele in the park]

Ben K: Adele, you look so nice tonight.

Adele: Thank you. You look pretty amazing too. In fact I’d guess I’d sort of say …

[music starts playing]

Ben K: Oh, we’re singing again.

Adele: [singing] You look like a movie, you sound like a song
my god this reminds me, of when we were young
Let me photograph you in this light

Ben K: Adele! Adele! Adele! [music stops] Can we just talk? This is really more of a talking show.

Adele: Oh, I keep forgetting about that. Sorry.

[Cut to Hannah Alexis C. at the back stage]

Hannah Alexis C.: You know, I absolutely love being on ‘The Bachelor’ but it has been sort of hard to get alone time with Ben with so many other girls in the house. Including Adele. Specially Adele. The problem is Adele.

[Cut to Ben K and Hannah Alexis C. in the park]

Hannah Alexis C.: It’s so nice to finally have some alone time with you.

Ben K: I know. So, why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?

[As Hannah Alexis C. is going to answer, music starts playing. This annoys both Ben K and Hannah Alexis C.]

Hannah Alexis C.: Oh, my god!

Adele: [singing] Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet

Hannah Alexis C.: Okay, Adele! [music stops] No, okay? It has not been years since you’ve seen Ben. You’ve been singing to him all night.

Adele: Oh my god. I know. You’re so right, Hanna. I’m being a right prick yet again. I will leave you two alone. Good bye.

[Adele leaves]

Hannah Alexis C.: [sigh] This is so much better.

Ben K: Yes. So much better.

Hannah Alexis C.: Though, I do feel kind of weird that I yelled at the actual Adele to go away.

Ben K: I wouldn’t worry about it.

Hannah Alexis C.: Why?

Ben K: Because she’s back. I can see her in the bushes right behind us.

[Cut to Adele hiding behind the bushes] [music starts playing]

Adele: [singing] Hello from inside this bush

Hannah Alexis C.: [annoyed] I am going back into the mansion.

[Cut to Adele]

Adele: So, I think night one’s been an absolute smash, but I’m starting to get the feeling that I might be coming on a bit strong. I think Ben K sort of likes that more laid back American vibe. So, for the rest o the night, I’ve decided that I’m going to play it really, really chill and cool.

[Cut to Ben K and Adele talking at the party.]

Adele: You know, if you want to talk to someone else, it’s totally fine.

Ben K: Really?

Adele: Yeah. I don’t even know if I even really like you that much. If it works out, it works out.

[Lauren walks in]

Lauren: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Adele immediately breaks the wine glass in her hand] [music starts playing]

Adele: [singing] There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ‘head and sell me out and I’ll lay your ship bare

Lauren: Okay, I’m a huge fan but I don’t feel safe with her here.

Ben K: Okay, you know what? I know there’s still 20 minutes left in the show but I think we got a call with you, Adele. It’s been a very intense night and I think you should leave the mansion.

Adele: I don’t know if I’d call this a mansion. But I understand. Good luck, ladies. And thank you, Ben. And I will now leave and I will go quietly. I promise. There will be no more drama from me.

[Adele just walks away]

Lauren: Well, that’s so sad.

Ben K: I know. I kind of wanted her to finish ‘Someone Like You’.

Lauren: Wait, I think I can see her coming back. [music starts playing] Yep, there she is.

[Adele walks back with a mic]

Adele: [singing] I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

[everyone stands up and starts rocking their bodies to Adele’s song]

I had hoped you’d see my face
And that you’d be reminded that for me, it isn’t over

All: Yes, she is singing it!

Adele: Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
“Don’t forget me, ” I beg
I remember you said
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”

Thank you everyone. Catch me next week on ‘Love Island’.

Madame Vivelda

Spencer… Bowen Yang

Anne… Adele

Tiffany… Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Psychic… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with visitors walking in the psychic’s place]

Spencer: Oh my god, this place is so cool.

Anne: I know. I always wanted to get a psychic reading.

Tiffany: My god, is anyone here? I really want to get one.

[The psychic walks in]

Psychic: You want to see the future? Sit and I will tell you what lies ahead [the visitors take seats] for Madame Vivelda knows all.

Ego: Oh yes, that would be great.

Tiffany: Yes, this year has been so insane and hard. We kind of want to skip ahead and just see what next year holds instead.

Spencer: Yeah. 2019 has sucked but I think 2020 is going to be our year.

Psychic: Um, okay. Who wants to go first?

Tiffany: I’ll go. [Psychic starts reading Tiffany’s palm] Madame Vivelda, things are getting kind of serious with my boyfriend and I’m curious if you see us moving in together next year?

Psychic: Okay. Let me see. Let me look. Okay, yes, I see you. You are in your home and your boyfriend is there. Yes, you are there in the home you share together. Okay. Yes, I see he is washing a bag of doritos with soap and you are screaming at him. You’re crying and you’re screaming. You’re screaming, “That’s not enough soap. You need to use more soap. I don’t want to get it from a bag of chips.”

Tiffany: What? Get what from chips?

Psychic: The vision is gone. Who wants to go next?

Tiffany: Wait, I still want to know why I’m washing chips next year.

Anne: Madame Vivelda, I’ll go. I’m sort of up for a big promotion in March and I’m wondering if you see anything work related for me.

Psychic: Yes, okay. Let me see. [Psychic starts reading Anne’s hand] No. I do not see work. I see you on the phone with a man from FedEx and you are crying. You’re saying, “Where is my adult coloring book? I need my adult coloring book.”

Ego: Wait, Anne, do you color?

Anne: No, of course I don’t color.

Ego: It’s okay if you do.

Anne: I don’t color. Her psychic vision just must be off. It doesn’t sound anything like me. I like going to museum and concerts and stuff like that.

Psychic: No, no. I see no concerts in 2020. Only coloring. Monday, coloring. Tuesday, coloring. All the days, coloring. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Okay, who’s next?

Spencer: I guess me, but I don’t know if I want to go anymore.

Anne: Yeah. I mean, let’s just get out of here.

Psychic: No, no. [pointing at Spencer] You, you. Give me your palm. I actually sense a lot of fun travel in your future.

Spencer: Oh, you do? Okay, good. Actually, me and my boyfriend are planning to fly to Paris in May.

Psychic: Ah, that’s fun. But no. I don’t see you flying to Paris. I see you driving to Kentucky. Yes. And you are peeing inside a bag in the car because you are afraid to use the gas station bathroom. So, you pee in the bag, he pees in the bag and on and on until Kentucky

Anne: Wait, why does he go to Kentucky?

Spencer: Yeah. What do we do in Kentucky?

Psychic: Ah, let’s see. Yes, yes. Okay. Oh, on the first day, you notice a small rash on your finger and you spend the day crying and googling ‘is rash on finger part of it?’

Spencer: Part of what?

Ego: Oh my god. All your vision mentions us crying. Do we just cry for all of 2020?

Psychic: No, not always. For example, [pointing at Anne] I can see you on your birthday and you’re very happy. You get everything you asked for.

Anne: Oh, I do? What do I ask for?

Psychic: Stamps. You ask everyone in your life to buy stamps and they do. They all buy the stamps and you say, “Take that postmaster General Louis DeJo.

Anne: What? Why do I know the full name of the postmaster general in 2020?

Spencer: Okay, girls, listen. I know a lot of this sounds scary but hey, we all still have each other next year, right?

Psychic: Oh. My poor Spencer. No, you won’t. Because in June, you will do something so terrible, your friends will never speak to you again.

Spencer: Oh my god. What do I do? You eat inside a restaurant.

Anne: Hey, that’s it?

Ego: He just eats in a restaurant and we cut him out of our lives completely?

Psychic: Exactly.

Spencer: Okay, I don’t know why it’s bad but I’m so sorry I do that, girls.

Girls: No, we’re sorry.

Psychic: No, no. What is this? I am seeing one final vision and it is very dark. Who here is Tiffany Tuban?

Tiffany: I am.

Psychic: Yes. I am seeing your father, Tiffany. And he’s on a Zoom and his wiener’s out on the Zoom.

Tiffany: What? What even is a Zoom?

Psychic: I do not know but your father is definitely on it and his wiener is definitely out and it’s not a great wiener, Tiffany. Eh! No, actually I see it’s getting harder. It’s actually fine.

Anne: Okay, we gotta go. This is too much.

Psychic: Okay, but girls do me a favor. If any of you see J.K. Rowling, please tell her stick to the books.

Final Debate Cold Open

Kristen Welker… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Presidential Debate intro] [Cut to Kristen Welker at her set]

Kristen Welker: Good evening. I’m Kristen Welker and it is the honor of a lifetime to moderate the second and praise Jesus, final presidential debate. Tonight we have a mute button because it was either that or tranquilizer darts and the president is a very high tolerance for those after his covid treatment. So, please welcome President Donald Trump and former vice president Joe Biden.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden walking in the stage.]

Good evening, gentlemen, and welcome to the debate. Are we ready to begin?

Joe Biden: Yes. But first, how does this mute button work? Do I just haul off and slap him in the mouth?

Kristen Welker: No, Mr. Vice President, we’ll take care of that on our own.

Joe Biden: Are you sure? Because I think everybody would love to see me do it.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Really, you think you’re some kind of tough guy coz of all that money you got from China?

[Joe Biden walks towards Donald Trump to fight but gets stopped by Kristen Welker]

Kristen Welker: Uh-uh-uh. [Kristen Welker is pointing at a button on her table] I’ll push it. I’ll push it. It’s not connecting to anything but I will push it. Now our first question on the coronavirus is for President Trump. More than Rudy Giuliani0,000 Americans are in the hospital tonight with covid. How would you lead the country during the next stage of this crisis?

Donald Trump: What a nice question. Thank you, Hoda. Or can I just say you are really doing a great job.

Kristen Welker: Wow. It is creepier when you’re nice. But thank you.

Donald Trump: No, really, you’re taking really good care of us tonight. Now, could you just tell us about the specials please?

Kristen Welker: No, Mr. Trump, I am the moderator. Not your waitress.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Just some waters then, okay? Anyway, coronavirus are boring. Right? But we’re doing terrific. We’re rounding the corner. In fact we’re rounded so many corners. We’ve gone all the way around the block and we’re back but we’re back where we started in March.

Joe Biden: Come on, man. We’re in the middle of the third wave. Where I come from, if a girl give you a third wave, you were practically married. Doesn’t even know what time it is. It’s half past ‘come on, man!’

Donald Trump: No. It’s not a wave. A wave goes like this. [gesturing the wave form] And this is going like this. [gesturing the chart rising] Okay? And sure, there’s been a tiny coronavirus spike in Florida. And a tinsy spike in Arizona and a toonsy-woonsy in North Dakota, but who cares? A lot of people don’t know this but we’ve got another Dakota there somewhere.

Joe Biden: [talking to himself] Just breathe, Joe. If you don’t breathe, you’ll die.

Donald Trump: And just a couple of weeks. If you’ll vote for me, the vaccine will be here and will be distributed by the military.

Kristen Welker: I’m sorry. You said the military will distribute the vaccine?

Donald Trump: That’s right. The army will come and shoot it with a cannon into your face. Look, I had it. It was very mean to me. But I beat it. And now the doctors say I can never die. This virus said to me, “Sir, I have to leave your body.” The virus was crying, very sad. It didn’t want to leave my body. And the point is we’re all learning to live with it.

Joe Biden: Learning to live with it? We’re learning to die with it, man.

Kristen Welker: Oh, looks like Mr. Biden is so mad, he’s Eastwooding it a little bit.

Joe Biden: That’s right. Now, I believe the little lady asked you about a plan. Why don’t you enlighten us?

Donald Trump: I have a plan. It’s the most beautiful plan you’ve ever seen.

Joe Biden: You don’t even have a plan for me. First I’m creepy. Then I’m sleepy. You say I have dementia. Then you say I’m a criminal mastermind. Which one is it, Chemo-sabi?

Donald Trump: Look, I can’t show you my plan. It’s under audit along with my taxes which I’ve prepaid just like a drug dealer’s telephone. And I take full responsibility for the coronavirus even though it came from China on a plan piloted by Nancy Pilosi filled with Mexicans which we shot down over pedo-island.

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t fall for that America. And I hate to curse in front of a woman but that’s a bunch of molarchy!

[right answer bell ringing]

Kristen Welker: And we have our first molarchy. If you’re playing Biden Bingo at home, take a shot. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Thank you, Padma. Look, people love how I’ve handled the Wu-Tang virus. If he was in charge, we’d all be in our basements and that’s where the haunted Annabelle doll lives, okay? A lot of people are saying that’s a very scary doll. She’s so scary, some are saying that’s the most scary doll. And that’s not cowardly. That’s just smart, okay? We can’t spend all day in the basement. Because we’re all not rich like Joe with all the money he got from China.

Joe Biden: Look at me. Do I look remotely rich? If I have money, where am I spending it? I live in Delaware. A night out is $28. Come on! I bought this suit on a train. Come on. If I had 3 million extra dollars, would I be taking the train to work? No. I’d be pulling up to the capital in a candy red trans-am and Kenny Loggins playing in the back. Not a recording. The real Kenny Loggins. Can I get a ‘come on’?

Kristen Welker: Come on! Oh! That is fun. Now, president Trump, you said a vaccine would be coming within weeks. Is that true?

Donald Trump: Anything can be weeks, okay? A month is five weeks. But a year is 36 or something. But I guarantee you the vaccine is coming somewhere between two and 700 weeks. okay? Tell them we have to wear the stupid masks and a little goggles, and we are making so many ventilators and I don’t want to get everybody excited. But if elected, I promise everyone in America will be on a big beautiful ventilator.

Kristen Welker: Okay, great. That segways to healthcare in a scary way. Vide President Biden, what is your plan if Obamacare is struck down?

Joe Biden: I have a plan. It’s called ‘Biden care’. It’s like Obamacare but Biden. It may not talk as smooth, it may need a little bit more sunscreen than the previous Melanin Rich plan, but damn it, it’s got heart and it works!

Donald Trump: My plan is perfect. It’s a beautiful, beautiful plan.

Joe Biden: Show us the plan.

Donald Trump: I mean this plan is LA-10.

Joe Biden: Give me the plan, man.

Donald Trump: Large naturals, high booty, bad attitude, but she cute.

Joe Biden: Not a plan. Not a plan. That’s a planless man.

Donald Trump: Excuse me. I’d love to show the plan. But I can’t because it’s under audit like my taxes. And if you don’t believe me, you can talk to my lawyer Rudy Giuliani

[Rudy Giuliani is shaking his hand inside his coat.]

Rudy Giuliani: What? No. It’s not what it looks like. My microphone was stuck on my balls. Is this another borat? You gotta tell me if it’s a borat.

Donald Trump: You’re in trouble now, Biden, because Rudy’s got a lot of sane and coherent information. It looks really bad for you, Joe. Tell him, Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani: Get ready for this truth bomb. Your son Hunter got $3 million from Moscow and his friend told me about the due, he has emails right there on the wet laptop from hell. And our eyewitness saw everything and he is blind.

Donald Trump: See? Even his nasty son is corrupt.

Joe Biden: [thinking in his mind] Don’t do it Joe. Don’t retaliate. Even though his kids are bunch of charity scamming right offs looking like they just came out of a two week Vegas [inaudible 00:08:Kristen WelkerRudy Giuliani] selling bad tubes to stupid people, children at the GMO chord.

Kristen Welker: Mr. Vice President, would you like to respond to that?

Joe Biden: No.

Kristen Welker: Very well. Then I’d like to move on to talking about race. Mr. President?
Donald Trump: Thank you Mindy, I love your project.

Kristen Welker: Oh, I can’t wait to hear this.

Donald Trump: Well, first of all, I am the least racist person in this room. I’ve done more for black people than anyone else except for maybe Lincoln. Black people love Lincoln and his cars. I see them driving his cars all the time. Sometimes there’s white people in the back, but not always. Thank you.

Joe Biden: You think you’re Lincoln because his nickname has the word ‘honest’ in it?

Kristen Welker: And mute. And that is about as well as the race section could have gone. As promised, I have saved exactly 60 seconds for climate change. Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Well, since we’re almost out of time, oil – no, wind – yes, fracking depends on what state I’m in.

Donald Trump: This guy and his wind. He loves wind. Look. I know about wind than anyone, okay? Wind kills all the birds, chops them right out like a magic bullet and turns them into bird guacamole. Okay? It makes golf shots go bad and sometimes it gets real fast and turns into a twister and throws a cow right on top of Helen Hunt.

Kristen Welker: Wow. Okay. Thank you, Mr. President for sharing your poem about wind. At this point, we’ve come to our final question and it’s for both of you. I want you to imagine your inauguration day. What will you say to Americans who did not vote for you?

Donald Trump: Well, if they didn’t vote for me, I guess I’d say, “Ola.” For the rest of them, I’d just say – just remember how good things used to be back before the China plague. We have the lowest unemployment numbers in all categories. Blacks, Asians, Latinxs, brunetts, MILFS, LGBTQAnon. In conclusion, New York is a ghost town. Kids love cages and Joe Biden is from Kenya. Thank you.

Kristen Welker: Mr. Vice President, your turn.

Joe Biden: Look, everybody. You know who he is and you know who I am. I’m good old Joe. I’m reliable as a rock. I’ve got a five star safety rating and I’m ranked best mid size in my class by JD Power and Associates. I don’t have a golden toilet seat. I have a soft spongy one that hisses whenever I park my keister. There’s only two things I do. I kick ass and I take trains. And I don’t see any trains in sight. And that ladies and gentlemen, is no malarchy.

[right answer bell ringing]

Kristen Welker: And with that malarchy, that’s bingo and I am drunk. Good luck, America.

Kristen Welker, Donald Trump and Joe Biden: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Election Ad

Kenan: Everyone knows this could be the most important election in our nation’s history.

Melissa: And the two choices couldn’t be more different.

Bowen: Do we want four more years of Donald Trump?

Ego: Or a fresh start with Joe Biden?

Punkie: Can we survive four more years of scandal, name calling and racial division?

Alex: Or do we want a leader who unites the country?

Pete: I wanna vote for Biden because he’s better, smarter, better and better. But I’m worried.

Beck: I’m worried too.

Bowen: Because if Donald Trump isn’t our president…

Ego: Then what are we gonna talk about?

Kenan: Like, what will our conversations even be?

Pete: Because the only thing I talked about for four years is Donald Trump.

Bowen: Every single day I tell someone, “Can you believe what Trump just said?”

Melissa: My entire personality is hating Donald Trump. If he’s gone, what am I supposed to do? Focus on my kids again? No, thanks.

Andrew: I argue with my dad everyday about Trump. Before this, we hadn’t spoken in years.

Punkie: I used to watch civil rights videos and wonder what it would be like to live in those times. Now, thanks to Trump, I get it.

Alex: What does the news even going to be about now?

Kenan: I am really worried for Rachel Maddow. What is she even going to talk about?

Pete: And what about Tweets? What am I going to send to my friends and be like, “This is the crazies thing I’ve ever seen?” And then one out of every 10, I’d be like, “This is legit funny. He is genuinely hilarious.”

Alex: Sure, he is historically bad for the country, but he gave us so much.

Beck: Injecting bleach in our blood.

Ego: Openly calling African nations [bleep] holes.

Melissa: “Kids in cages” wasn’t even a phrase before Trump.

Kenan: He changed the game.

Pete: He called the Attorney General he appointed ‘mentally retarded’. That’s some next level [bleep].

Kenan: I mean he started with an impression of disabled reported. That was the starting point. Best case scenario, Biden gets there at about like, year three.

Ego: That’s why on November 3rd, I’ll be worried.

Andrew: About the election, sure.

Melissa: The future of democracy or whatever.

Beck: But I’ll really be worried about my favorite villain disappearing.

Pete: Like, if they replaced the joker with Batman’s butler Alfred. Sure, Gotham would be more stable, but I’d rather watch the Joker blow up a hospital.

Kenan: And then I remembered that even if he loses, Trump isn’t going away.

Alex: Yeah. If anything, he’s going to get more vocal.

Ego: And angrier.

Pete: And crazier.

Kenan: And with all his crimes, there’s bound to be a trial at some point. And maybe Trump will represent himself in court. Okay, I gotta stop getting my hopes up.

Beck: And then who knows, maybe Donald and Ivanka will run together in 2024.

Ego: [interrupting] Uh-uh, what is wrong with you?

Andrew: Bro?

Beck: What? I was just throwing it out there.

Kenan: Now it’s going to happen and I’m going to hate you for it.

Pete: It would be hilarious though.

Male voice: Paid for by Trump Addicts of America. You know he’s bad for you but it’s hard to imagine life without him.

Chad in a Haunted Mansion

Chad… Pete Davidson

Ghost… Adele

[Starts with ‘The Haunted Manor’ intro.] [Cut to a car runs out of gas in the middle of the road in forest. There’s no cellphone reception. The driver looks around. He sees a huge dark mansion by the side, below the glowing full moon. The driver goes in to the castle to ask for help.]

Chad: Hello?

Female voice: Who are you?

Chad: Chad.

Ghost: Welcome, Chad. Why don’t you stay a while.

[all the doors and windows shut close.]

Chad: Okay.

Ghost: Go to the light so I may see you better.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad walks to the mirror, he sees a woman with glowing eyes behind him]

Ghost: Hello, Chad.

[Chad turns around]

Chad: Wad up?

Ghost: Forgive my appearance. Years ago, I had a little accident.

[Ghost opens her pearl choker, showing her slit throat and it’s bleeding.]

Chad: Oh, no. Your neck.

Ghost: Yes. I’m afraid it’s quite a gash.

Chad: Ha-ha. Gash.

Ghost: You’re not afraid?

Chad: Nah.

Ghost: Follow me. There’s something I want to show you.

Chad: Okay.

Ghost: They all said that my death was suicide, that I slit my own throat.

Chad: Oh, no.

Ghost: But it wasn’t suicide, Chad. [screaming] It was Murder! [Ghost looks around to see if Chad’s scared, but he is not there.] Chad?

Chad: I’m taking a piss. [farts] Safety.

[Chad walks out]

Ghost: As I was saying, I was murdered by my husband and the proof is in there.

Chad: Okay.

[They walk inside the library]

Ghost: Ah, the library. Oh, how I love to read. Do you have a favorite book, Chad?

Chad: “Where’s Waldo”, the yellow one.

Ghost: I’m not familiar. Who’s the author?

Chad: Waldo.

Ghost: There on the desk, you’ll find a letter from my husband. [Chad looks at the letter. It’s dark, so he is holding a candle to read it.] Read it. That letter is more dear to me than you know. As you can see that clearly proves that my husband murdered me for my inheritance and when the public reads it the truth will be known and I can finally cross over to the after life. [Chad has already burned the letter by his clumsiness.]

Chad: Okay.

[Chad walks around. He sees a painting of Ghost and her husband]

Ghost: I see you’re looking at my portrait. Tell me, Chad, what do you see?

Chad: Tig old bitties.

Ghost: I see a woman trapped in loveless marriage. Even now I yearn to feel the tender kiss of true love. [Chad leans towards her to kiss her. He falls down. A medieval knight armor falls on him.] Oh my god. Chad, are you okay?

Chad: Yeah.

Ghost: Good. Now go make my truth be known. But be warned, [Ghost showing her scary face] if you fail me, I will be most displeased.

Chad: Okay.

Ghost: And Chad, thank you.

Chad: No doubt.

[Chad just walks through the bookshelf. Ghost is surprised. She looks around and finds Chad dead below the medieval knight armour.]

Ghost: Ah! For god sake!