episode 5 Archives - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Weekend Update- Tammy the Trucker on Gas Prices and Definitely Not Abortion

Colin Jost

Tammy… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With so many midterm races tightening, it’s hard to predict what will drive people more to the polls – social issues or economic concerns? Here to comment is Tammy the trucker who promises she’s here to talk about gas prices and definitely not abortion. What?

[Tammy slides in holding a big steering wheel]

Tammy: Hey, peep peep. Hey there, Colin, it’s me, Tammy the trucker. Breaker, breaker, Big Mama over.

Colin Jost: Wow, Tammy. So, you are a trucker who is very affected by gas prices. I guess that makes sense to me.

Tammy: Yes, I thought it would Colin Jost. That’s why I’m here. Tammy the trucker.

Colin Jost: And what was that about not talking about abortion?

Tammy: No, no, no. Breaker, breaker, double dipper, I got a big daddy on my tail. And all I’m here to talk about is gas even though the Supreme Court said Roe v. Wade did that big pitstop in the sky. Peep peep. Yeah, 50 years of precedent. Peep peep. Both.

Colin Jost: Cecily, are you okay? It seems like maybe you do want to talk about abortion.

Tammy: Calm your cooter down, Beaver Caniver. I’m Tina the trucker, whatever name I gave you. I gotta be in Rancho Cuca Roomba by nightfall.

Colin Jost: Rancho Cuca Roomba? Cecily. What are you doing?

Tammy: I don’t know, Colin. I am just trying to get through this moment, okay? Gas prices are up and families are really hurting. But that’s not going to magically disappear no matter who you vote for. We’re in a global recession fueled by corporate greed and war. Honk honk, breaker breaker. But what will keep disappearing is safe access to abortion. It’s not really magic because they told us that’s exactly what they’re gonna do. And they’ve been doing it. Breaker breaker. Big Daddy. I got a double nickel on the big slab.

Colin Jost: Did you just Google trucker terms?

Tammy: Oh, like research? Yeah. Here, hold that. [gives Colin Jost her steering wheel] Keep it. Look, I want to talk about abortion on live TV or Peacock, whatever that count says. These are scary times okay? Because they don’t want to just take away access to health care. They want to criminalize it too. I mean, it’s so bad, us truckers are all out here warning each other, delete our period tracking apps from our phones. I just want to know what week I’m wearing my bad underwear. But I can’t, in case some dickhead in Texas thinks my period is evidence of a crime. A Rooba!

Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s a Rooba. I think it’s Ooga.

Tammy: Do you have something against? You are riding my ass. My point is— [pulls back the steering wheel] Give me that. My point is you shouldn’t have to pull the convoy across state lines to find a doctor who can provide health care for your anatomy without having to call their lawyer first. Peep peep. Beep beep beep beep. Colin, check my rear. Am I clear? My rear clear? I’m backing up about 50 years into the past.

Colin Jost: Okay, I got that. I got that.

Tammy: Yeah, I know it’s been fun for you. Okay, let me give you some little trucker toys. Okay? Yeah, here you go. Here’s a nudie mag. And here’s this.

Colin Jost: Oh, is this Gatorade?

Tammy: Well, it was at one point. Look at your naked gals, okay? Truth is I have felt pretty helpless over the past year. And it’s hard to know what to say to make other truckers feel better, even though I have this big giant radio. So here’s the thing I can say. There’s one mothe-trucking thing we can do to fight for mother-trucking freedom to make her own health care decisions. And that’s vote. And I hope to hell everyone votes. Because remember, we all love someone who’s had an abortion. I mean, drives a truck. Beep beep. A Wooba.

Colin Jost: Tammy, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Donald Trump Jr. Mocks Paul Pelosi, Kanye West’s Instagram Suspension

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden’s scene here begging for one more year before the midterms warned about Republican candidates who say they will refuse to accept election results warning they could set the nation on a path to chaos. So wait, this is just the path to chaos. I thought we’d been living in chaos for at least six years. I mean, Nancy Pelosi’s husband was attacked in their home by a guy with a hammer. And instead of even basic sympathy, Republicans were like, “We heard he gay.” Donald Trump Jr. mocked the attack on Pelosi’s his husband by posting an image of a hammer and a pair of underpants with a message “Got my Paul Pelosi Halloween costume ready.” And I would agree that Don Jr. is probably the expert on getting hammered in your underwear. Also Don Jr., is that your underwear man? Why is that so dirty and stretched out? Like you were trying to burn Paul Pelosi but now I’m just wondering if you wear your dad’s old underwear.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrie Irving at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After meeting with the anti Defamation League, Kyrie Irving announced that from now on he will pretend to not be anti semitic. Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving was suspended after he tweeted a link to the anti semitic film “Hebrew to Negros: wake up black America.” In the Hebrew to Negros was also the name of my favorite r&b group in the 90s.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Oprah Winfrey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Just days before the midterm elections, Oprah Winfrey endorsed John Fetterman instead of the monster she unleashed upon us. Is it crazy that Oprah gave Dr. Oz his career and even she’s turned against him? It’s like if Robin ran for mayor of Gotham and Batman was like, “I fully endorse penguin.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Herschel Walker responded to Barack Obama criticizing his qualifications to be in the Senate by saying “Put my resume against his resume.” Fine. So here’s Obama’s resume and here’s Herschel Walker’s. It’s better than I thought.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Economy adds over Michael 200,000 jobs” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s better. The latest jobs report shows that last month, the US economy added over 200,000 jobs. “We’ll see about that,” said Elon Musk. This is interesting since Elon Musk took over Twitter, use of the N word on the site has reportedly jumped 500%. It’s the biggest increase in the use of the N word since the last time I stubbed my toe.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West was suspended from Instagram again for posting a disparaging message about Jewish people. Seems like he’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, which I’ve heard is the definition of something. I’m noticing a trend with Kanye. His business deals went bad and he just started calling it a Jewish conspiracy. Sort of like when his albums got bad and he just started calling it gospel.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people running a marathon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow is the New York City Marathon or as Fox News will report it “Undocumented Africans one wild in streets of New York”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chinese flag at left top corner.]

Michael Che: China has launched the third and final module for its permanent space station. Now all they have to do was launched some children to assemble it.

[picture changes to an article that says “Employers must disclose salary range”]

New York City is now requiring employers to disclose salary ranges in all job listings. Employers must list everything ranging from the top salary all the way down to the female salary.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of CNN logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: CNN has announced that due to budget cuts, they are scaling back on original series and documentaries. Yeah, apparently there was a flaw with the business model of giving Stanley Tucci millions of dollars to eat Gilato.

[picture changes to a man carrying a handgun]

A Zoo in Atlanta will allow visitors to carry firearms. So you want to try laughing at me again monkeys?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of North Korean flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: What happened to you, man? Tensions are on the rise after North Korea launched more than 20 missiles into the ocean and all because the Little Mermaid is black. [laughing] It’s not real.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a person writing a list.]

Colin Jost: Our linguistics expert has released a list of the most beautiful sounding baby names with the top spots once again going to Matthew and Sophia, while the worst sounding names are Moist and Slurp.

[picture changes to a grenade]

Police in Oregon are warning residents about several hand grenades that have washed ashore on a beach. The hand grenades were discovered when one beach goer said “Mommy look at this shell I fo…[pauses]”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a sun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: NASA has released an image of the Sun in which it appears to be smiling. So if the sun can smile, would it kill you ladies to try it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Mother leaves child at home to go day drinking” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In Arizona, woman was arrested after she allegedly went day drinking while her five month old child was sitting home alone, like, a loser.

WKTVN News

Chance… Michael Longfellow

Vicki… Ego Nwodim

Alicia… Heidi Gardner

Tod… Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Amy Schumer

[Starts with Ego and Heidi in their news set]

Ego: Good evening and welcome to WkTVN news.

Heidi: And later tonight, Baklava or Balaclava? A new study shows there’s a big difference between the two delicious treats.

Ego: I love studies like that. But first, we go to Trumbull County where a fire has spread, forcing several families out of their homes. Let’s check in with our brand new reporter, Chance Harmstrong.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Thanks. Thanks, Vicki. And Alicia. I’m so thrilled to be joining the team. So right now I’m here with a local resident whose home was damaged in the fire. Ma’am, tell us what happened.

Cecily: Um, sir, I was having my normal cigarette in bed [frame showing an asian guy behind her as well] and I got woke up by a man outside going bang, bang, bang. And I had smelt fire and he said fire. So I put 2 and 10 together and I said fire sir.

Chance: Right. And do you have any idea how this fire could have started and why?

Cecily: I’m not sure exactly how sir. But I know 100% why. And I did not want to say names, but it is my cousin.

Chance: It was your cousin.

Cecily: Yes. And she is looking right at you now sir.

Amy: What? Oh, you taking a picture of me? No, you’re not. Not for free, you’re not. No.

Chance: Okay. Why are you so certain it was your cousin?

Cecily: She is mad because she wants to go with my husband, because look at him. [her husband is the asian guy they showed before]

Tod: This for TV?

Chance: Yes. This is the news, sir.

Tod: Oh, snap.

Chance: Okay, back to the fire.

Cecily: Yes, it’s a long story. But she is mad because she can’t get with him because he chose me and she’s my cousin.

Amy: Hey, keep saying stuff like that. I will set your house upon fire again.

Cecily: Hey, set my house on fire. I ain’t scared.

Amy: Okay.

Chance: Okay, all right. This was not as informative as I’d hoped. Quite a first day. Back to you. Vicki and Alicia.

Tod: Hey, come back to me. Take my picture. Look what I can do. [he climbs on the pole] Look what I can do. One hand, one hand, one hand.

Amy: Go Tod, go Tod. He’s showing up for me. I want to lay with you.

Tod: I said I can’t.

Chance: Well, there you have it. And I think we’re all done here. Vicki and Alicia.

[Molly walks in]

Molly: Sir, if I may, just to clear this up, you see the two them were cousins.

Chance: Yes. I know that. Do you know anything about the fire?

Molly: No, I do not. But sir, if I may, since he got to do the trick, look when I can do. [she leans backwards]

Chance: Okay, I don’t know what that is. And I’m not really here to look at tricks.

Amy: Hey, he ain’t even my cousin. He’s only my cousin because he married my cousin. So hey, I can still get with you because I want to lay with you, Tod.

Tod: Go home. No one wants to lay with you.

Amy: I bet you someone will.

Cecily: No, they won’t, because you ain’t got it like this. [Cecily flashes her breasts]

Amy: Like hell they don’t. [Amy flashes her breasts too]

Chance: Okay, no, this cannot. It’s literally my first day.

[Chance tries to walk away from them, but bumps into James.]

James: Oh sir, if I may. I can clear this up. 100%.

Chance: Just don’t say they’re cousins.

James: Exactly. They are cousins. also, look what I can do. [starts making silly noises]

Chance: Okay. Yeah. Now I’m unfortunately seeing a lot of people lined up and I’m assuming no one wants to talk about the fire.

Marcello: Oh, I don’t know anything about that, sir. But look what I can do. [starts dancing]

Chance: That’s great. You’re very talented.

Amy: Listen, the real reason I am mad at her…. [snatches the mic] The real reason I am mad at you and set fire to upon your house and your trampoline upon fire is because you have not had but one nice thing to me my whole life.

Cecily: What? Are you serious? I like you. I like your smile. Your homemade rice is worth. You make good French bread pizza. And I’m sorry that the years have seen us drift apart in terms of being cousins.

Amy: So now what?

Tod: A kiss makeup?

[They all lean to kiss each other]

Chance: No, no. Do not film these three cousins kissing. Well, it was my first day. And I’m assuming it’s my last. So in that case, what the hell? Look what I can do. [starts dancing]

Twitter Council

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: On October 27, Elon Musk completed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter. On October 28, Musk publicly announced a content moderation council to review previously banned accounts. Then promptly fired thousands of Twitter employees. So things are going great. We now go live to the first content moderation council meeting.

[cut to council meeting]

Kenan: Good morning, everyone. Today we will decide if suspended accounts will be led back on Twitter.

Chloe: And who better to do it than us, the only two Twitter employees who haven’t been laid off?

Kenan: Yet.

Chloe: All right, let’s begin our first fan account. State your name?

Cecily: Yes. You wish. But here’s what I will tell you. The COVID pandemic was created by big pharma to silence me. Everybody tries to silence me. “Ma’am, please speak at a lower volume.” I’m sorry. Am I too loud for your precious intensive care units? You aren’t even sick.

Chloe: And why were you banned?

Cecily: Posting whole.

Kenan: Fine. Next we have banned Twitter user Alpha Dog of war.

Alpha Dog of War: Wah!

Cecily: Oh, a veteran.

Alpha Dog of War: In a manner of speaking, yes. I served honorably in Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.

Kenan: I see And why were you banned?

Alpha Dog of War: One of my own squad mates killed me then laughed about it and called me a boomer. So I did what any hero would do. I posted his real name, home address and middle school schedule and said “Twitter do your thang.”

Kenan: I mean, sounds harmless, right? Next.

Amy: Hi. Oh my god, your profile is so funny. I love funny guys.

Kenan: Well, thank you very much, but why were you banned?

Amy: They said I was a bot which is crazy. I’m all woman and I love funny guys like you. And fact, you should check out this website where me and some other girls hang out and meet cute guys. www.sexpalace.bitcoinscam.iraq

Kenan: Sounds a little too good to be true.

Amy: Oh my god, you’re so funny. I bet you have an awesome social security number.

Kenan: Nah. Isn’t that crazy? It’s just 04371…

Chloe: No. Don’t tell her.

Kenan: Why not? We vibing.

Chloe: Okay, who’s next?

Punkie: What’s good? Um, I’m here on behalf of Black Twitter. And we heard that Elon Musk was gonna charge us $8 to use Twitter. And we just want to say, “Nah, dawg.” We ran across our answers on over the MySpace and get deck popping again.

Kenan: Note it. I will see you there. All right, next account. Oh my god. Hello.

Donald Trump: That’s right. It’s me, Donald John Trump. Just John, not Jonathan. But I know many Jonathan’s and I respect all of them. But none more than JDD himself. Jonathan Dayla Damas, who is a person of random. You know, I saw him on Home Improvement, I said, “That kid’s gonna be a star.” And he was for a very brief time. But JDD was very nice to Jimmy Jason, man of the house was he? And many are saying “Chevy, not very nice sunset, a community.” Won’t be back for reboot. Can you believe that?

Chloe: Sure. But why do you want to be back on Twitter? I mean, didn’t you start your own social media website?

Donald Trump: Excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me? Yes, we’ve all moved to true social and we love true social. It’s very great. And in many ways, also terrible. It’s very bad. Very, very bad. It’s a little buggy in terms of making the phone screen crack and the automatically draining of the Venmo. Anyway, let me back on Twitter. I’ll do another go Vivi. I won’t do anything bad except maybe coup.

Chloe: Alright. Might as well roll the dice, right.

[phone notification beep] [Kenan checks his phone]

Kenan: Oh, Elon just tweeted and we’re laid off too.

Chloe: Oh, yeah. We’re finally free.

The Looker

Carol… Amy Schumer

David… Marcello Hernandez

James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a mother talking to her son in the kitchen]

Carol: David, for the last time, you have to unpack your clothes. We moved in a month ago, honey.

David: I will, mom. I’ve just been busy.

Carol: Busy? AKA flirting with every girl in school. [to her husband] Honey, it’s everything okay?

James: I just found this letter. It slipped under our door. I don’t know. It’s strange.

Carol: What does it say?

James: Dearest new neighbors at 322 Oakridge Boulevard.

Male voice: [continuing the letter] Allow me to introduce myself. I am the looker. And I see everything you do.

Carol: Is this some kind of sick prank?

James: I don’t know Carol.

Male voice: I see you’re settling in nicely. Your daughter likes to write in her diary about the boy who mows the lawn. And your son has been hard at work practicing his guitar.

David: Dad, this is creeping me out.

Male voice: As for your wife, after everyone’s asleep, she goes to the kitchen and eat an entire second dinner.

Carol: What? That’s like, what?

Male voice: She eats it like a greedy panicked raccoon afraid of getting caught.

Carol: Okay.

James: As for you, daddy, dearest…

Male voice: I hope you enjoy your morning jogs around the neighborhood. I know your wife does. After you leave, she hits a snag, turns on the TV and pleasures herself to the Property Brothers.

Carol: Okay, that’s not ringing a bell.

James: But he knows about my jobs, Carol.

Chloe: My diary and David’s guitar.

Carol: I know. That’s why it’s so weird that all my stuff is clearly made up.

Male voice: Your life may seem perfect. But the looker knows it’s not. And your poor wife seems to be having trouble in the bathroom. I see her in there rocking back and forth, trying to make something happen.

Carol: You got this, bitch.

Male voice: Giving herself little pep talks.

Carol: Come on. Come on.

Male voice: She gets so frustrated, she’ll go downstairs and blow off steam with more Property Brothers. Why is she so aroused by that show? Is it the brothers or is it the property?

David: Oh my god, mom. Someone’s downloaded every episode of Property Brothers.

Carol: What?

Chloe: And they only watched five minutes of each one.

Carol: What the fring? So this weirdo snuck into our house and mess with the TV? Okay, now, I’m weirded out. Officially.

James: Then it says…

Male voice: Just today, the kids practiced a TikTok dance. Dad worried about his hairline. And mom was on her exercise bike.

Carol: Wait, that one’s real.

James: Oh, I wasn’t done.

Male voice: She doesn’t even pedal. Just sits on the bike and looks at her phone, but she still ends up drenched in sweat. And it’s back to the bathroom to do battle once again.

Carol: Why can’t I go?

James: Till next time. I’m watching.

Chloe: Okay, we need to go to the police.

Carol: And tell them that this guy is making up lies about just me.

James: We will. But I think it’d be safest if we stayed in a hotel for the night.

Carol: Well, one of us should stay, just to, you know, look out for the house. And I guess I’ll do it, since this guy’s got nothing on me.

[everyone leaves but Carol] [cut to Carol watching TV]

Female voice on TV: Coming up, it’s Demo Day.

Carol: [to the Looker] If you’re watching, it’s the property I’m into. Not the brothers.

Soup

Waiter… Michael Longfellow

Sue… Amy Schumer

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[starts with a waiter serving three ladies]

Waiter: All right, so we have to house salads. And the matzah balls soup.

Sue: Oh, me, me. me. That’s for me.

Waiter: You guys go ahead and enjoy.

Sue: Thank you. I have been craving this soup. I can’t even tell you. It just like, brings me home.

Ego: Sounds amazing.

Sue: Yeah, well, you can’t have any. Ha-ha-ha. I’m kidding. But I’m not because like, I’ve been thinking about this soup like non stop. For real, I like woke up out of a dead sleep the other night just like thinking about this soup. Like, sat straight up, eyes wide open. It was like, “Matzah balls soup for Sue,” like a psycho. I’m so happy right now.

Heidi: So I guess I have some news.

Sue: Oh, what is it?