Weekend Update- LaVar Ball

Michael Che

Lavar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NBA season is two weeks in and the Los Angeles Lakers are off to a good, but not a great start, led by rookie Lonzo Ball. Here to give his take is Lonzo’s outspoken father, Lavar Ball.

[Lavar Ball slides in]

Lavar Ball: Whoo! [Colin Jost laughing] How you doing, Michael? I told you it would happen. The Lakers are the best team ever. Never lost.

Michael Che: They’re not the best team ever. They are only like 5 and 7. And you already promised that Lonzo would be bigger than Kobe Bryant?

Lavar Ball: You damn right.

Michael Che: Lonzo is averaging just over eight points a game. I mean that’s not bad, but that’s not up to the level of Kobe Bryant.

Lavar Ball: Man, don’t talk to me about no Kobe Bryant. [Cut to Lavar Ball] My offspring is going to rule the world. Just look at me. I’m a giant. Full head of hair. 12 fingers. I can pull a tractor trailer 20 miles over a mounting using using only my junk! And I’m the only man on earth who has ever eaten just one lays potato chip.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: So, I’m assuming you still think Lonzo is going to win MVP?

Lavar Ball: Oh, man, he is going to win more than that. [Cut to Michael Che] He’s going to win the dunk contest, the three-point shooting contest, every single power ball jackpot and he will be named America’s next top model, all while wearing the signature ZO twos.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: Oh, I forgot that Lonzo already has his own sneaker that cost $500. How are those selling, by the way?

Lavar Ball: None of your business. Right now, I’m focused on my TV show ‘Ball and the Family.’

Michael Che: Oh, yeah. Is that the show that airs on Facebook?

Lavar Ball: You’re damn right it’s on Facebook. [Cut to Lavar Ball] Coz it’s the biggest show in the world. A million likes. A half million surprising faces. It’s the only show you can watch while you look at you friend’s kids halloween costumes. The whole ball family is on there. Lonzo, Liangelo, La Mellow, and my long lost Mexican son, Letaco.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: You know, I saw Liangelo got into a little trouble this week when he was caught shoplifting in China.

Lavar Ball: What? Come on! [Cut to Lavar Ball] Why my boy need to do shoplifting for when he’s just about to put out his own million dollar sneaker? Introducing Liangelo’s Legeno 20s.

[Lavar Ball pulls out a pair of sneakers to show] Each one cost $700,000. That’s right. Each sneaker. You can only buy one of them at a time. Never a pair. [shouting at Michael Che’s ear] Never a pair!

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: Why are they so expensive?

Lavar Ball: Coz each Legeno 12 comes fully loaded with power laces, [cut to Lavar Ball] a Bose 24 sound system, and the world’s finest chicken rotisserie cooker.

[Cut to Michael Che and Lavar Ball]

Michael Che: A rotisserie cooker?

Lavar Ball: Chicken rotisserie.

Michael Che: I also heard that you pulled La Mellow out of school and you are home schooling him now?

Lavar Ball: Oh, that’s right. And the results are amazing. [Cut to Lavar Ball] I worked with the boy only two hours and he opened his own successful business. A French restaurant called La Mellow’s La Magnificent. Michelin 10-star rated. And the best rotisserie chicken cooked to perfection by the new Ligelo 20s. [Michael Che laughing] [microwave bell sound]

Oh, it’s ready, Michael. [Lavar Ball pulls out a chicken drum stick out of the shoes and gives it to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Lavar Ball:  There you go.

Michael Che: Thank you.

Lavar Ball: That’s for you. That will be $750,000, please.

Michael Che: Lamar Ball, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Claire from HR

Colin Jost

Claire… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With this unending parade of sexual abuse allegations from actors, producers and politicians, they’ve all come to light recently. Here with her annual sexual harassment guidelines seminar is Claire from HR.

[Claire slides in] [cheers and applause]

Hi, Claire. Is that a receipt on your neck?

Claire: Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was just grabbing lunch.

Colin Jost: At CBS?

Claire: Yeah. it’s been a crazy week.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Claire: They want these today and I haven’t been home in three days. So…

Colin Jost: Oh my god.

Claire: You guys do probably wanna get going to the show. So, I’m just– we’ll just do our little HR quiz. Just make sure we’re all on the same page. Sorry. Okay. We’ll start. Okay. [Cut to Claire] First question is just about office romance. It’s not a big deal. We know it happens. Right? So, what is the appropriate way to handle a workplace relationship? A, inform someone at HR. B, lock her in a room and make her look at it. Or, C, bully her out of the entire industry.

[Cut to Claire and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m gonna say A.

Claire: Yes! Oh, good. You got it. You would be surprised how many people get that wrong. It could make you lose your damn mind. Ah! Okay. Here we go. Alright. [Cut to Claire] Oh, so this next question is about consent, actually. Oh, and we have a visual for this one. [Claire shows a photo of a woman. She is wearing a suit.] So, you run into your coworker at the office. Now, is she, A, giving you a seductive look that says, “Hey, come get this.” B, she said ‘no’ before in the past but that little skirt is saying, “Yes, yes, me horny.” Or, C, she is living her live and it has nothing to do with you. [Cut to Claire and Colin Jost] And the answer is?

Colin Jost: I’m gonna say C.

Claire: Yes, leave her alone!

Colin Jost: Okay. I’m sorry, are you mad at me?

Claire: Yeah, I think I am actually. It’s hard to explain. [Cut to Claire] Okay. Um, this is a new one that we need to do now. It’s kind of fun. Okay, ready? When is it okay for an adult to have a sexual relationship with a 14 year old? A, when she’s 14 but she’s smoking a cigarette. B, 14, but it’s Alabama. C, 14, but you are gay now, so hooray, how brave. Or D, 14–

[Cut to Claire and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, you don’t have to keep going. I’m pretty sure the answer is never.

Claire: Yeah. Yeah. Well, if it’s such an easy question, why does it have to be on the quiz?

[Claire sprays Purel into her mouth]

Colin Jost: Wait! Are you drinking Purel?

Claire: Yeah, yeah. I find that it cleanses me. It gives me a nice buzz to do this. Oh, this is fun. Next one is a prop. You’ll like this. [Claire pulls out a stuffed man doll wearing suit.] So this is you.

Colin Jost: That’s me?

Claire: Well, it’s obvious. When talking to a coworker in the office where should you keep your penis?

Colin Jost: Excuse me?

Claire: Just point on the doll where your penis should be. Remember, there are no wrong answers. Just super wrong answers.

Colin Jost: Okay. I would say just keep it in your pants.

Claire: Yes. Exactly. A penis never needs to be out of your pants at work.

Colin Jost: Is that question really on the quiz? Does that help?

Claire: Yeah, Colin, because come people need it. But not you. You passed.

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s so great.

Claire: Yeah, yeah. But I’m sure I’ll be back next week and the week after that, forever and ever, because this isn’t just a scandal. It didn’t just start this week. It’s actually reality for half of the population.

[Claire sprays Purel into her mouth again]

Colin Jost: Okay. Claire from HR, everybody.

[Claire looks at her phone]

Claire: George, the Takai, no!

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Asia Trip

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marking 11th of November at left top corner.]

Well, it’s veteran’s day and Donald Trump celebrated by finally going to Vietnam. First lady Melania Trump stayed behind in China to visit the Beijing zoo while Trump continued on to Vietnam where he met with Russian president Vladimir Putin in their best Hillary Clinton blouses. During the meeting, Putin denied meddling in the election and Trump said he believes him. But keep in mind, Trump also believed his wife when she said she was staying behind to visit the zoo. That’s my favorite new excuse for when you don’t want to hang out with someone. “Oh, man, I’d love to. But I got zoo stuff.”

During a speech in South Korea, president Trump warned North Korea to not under estimate us and do not try us. Which sounds tough, but then he immediately left the country. It’s like if in Braveheart, [Picture changes to William Wallace from the movie Braveheart] William Wallace ended his speech with, “And they will never take our freedom. Anyway, I gotta run. Zoo stuff. Peace.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Earlier this week, North Korea issued a statement calling president Trump a lunatic old man. And few hours ago, Trump responded by tweeting, “Why would Kim Jong-Un insult me by calling me old, when I would never call him short and fat?” Now, a lot of times Donald Trump goes way over the line with his tweets. But this time, that was pretty damn funny. I mean look at how vein and catty he is. They’re like, “You lunatic old man.” And he’s like, “Old?”

President miss thing also said that this week’s shooting in Texas isn’t a gun situation but a mental health problem at the highest level. But why can’t it be both? I mean, why can’t it be that because we have a mental health problem, we now have a gun situation? Just like how because my little cousin has a crack problem, my aunt now has a missing silverware situation.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people walking in cold at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: well, it’s a good weekend to stay inside since it’s 20 degrees out and everyone you ever heard of is a sex monster.

[Picture changes to Roy Moore]

Alabama republican senate candidate Roy Moore has been accused of having inappropriate sexual relations when he was in his 30s with several teenage girls. Now, I’m not saying he’s guilty but his naughty little cowboy outfit is screaming it. He looks like a guy who shows up to ‘West world’ and he is like, “Hey, can someone show me where the middle school is? [Michael Che laughing] And how are we still surprised that someone who puts up the ten commandments everywhere doesn’t actually follow them? What’s next? It turns out the guy who always jokes about masturbating wasn’t joking about masturbating? [Picture changes to Louis C.K.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright.Alabama state auditor Jim Zeigler defended Roy Moore using Mary and Joseph examples saying “Mary was a teenager, Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of Jesus.” Oh, word? So, that’s what you’re going with? Roy Moore was trying to make a Jesus? Okay. So, I guess, R Kelly was just trying to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Weekend Update on Democrats’ Election Victories

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

Chris Redd

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with Micahel Che in his news set.]

Micahel Che: Democrats swept Tuesday’s elections in Virginia, New Jersey and New York, which are already blue states. So, it is a small victory for liberals, but a victory nonetheless. Kind of like when you get an Uber and the driver’s a white dude and you are like, “Oh, that’s nice.” You know it’s racist but you don’t know on which side.

[Picture changes to Danica Rome]

Also on Tuesday, Danica Rome became the first transgender candidate to win a seat in Virginia’s house of delegates, defeating Bob Marshal. That’s right. She defeated Bob Marshal who called himself the state’s chief homophobe. And in fact, he’s so homophobic that he refused to get within eight points of her.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Mike Pence, Joe Biden and Dick Cheney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Mike Pence has formed a vice president’s club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney routinely calling them for advice. “Well, that sounds like a stupid club,” said Al Gorde to no one. [Picture changes to Al Gorde.] [Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Florida map at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: A man in Florida was surprised when his —

[Chris Redd enters]

Chris Redd: Sorry, Michael. Sorry to interrupt, Michael Tiffany had a request. [singing] She’s your queen to be.

[Tiffany Haddish walks in. She’s wearing the same dress she was wearing during her monologue.]

Tiffany Haddish: I told y’all I was gonna wear this dress again. [Tiffany Haddish jumps around and walks away]

Micahel Che: There you have it.

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Shawn Combs at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s a nice dress.

Micahel Che: Shawn Combs announced that he is once again changing his name, this time to ‘Brother Love.’ As in, “Damn, this brother love attention.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people playing frisbee at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The state of Vermont has officially recognized ultimate frisbee as a high school varsity sport, Dad?

Micahel Che: That was good.

[Picture changes to Hidden Valley 5 liter keg]

Colin Jost: Hidden Valley is now selling 5 liter keg filled with ranch dressing. Though the keg will only be sold in states that allow assisted suicide.

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of a sheep at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: A new study finds that the sheep have the ability to recognizes faces. So, remember farmers, always hit it from the back.

[Picture changes to OJ Simpson]

OJ Simpson’s parole– any catch ups to it? OJ Simpson’s parole may be revoked after he was thrown out of a Las Vegas hotel bar after being too drunk and throwing glasses. But come on, give him a break. I mean, you could drink a lot too if your ex-wive was murdered.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a piece of land at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a 2,000 year old gym which featured a work out room, a racetrack and based on my experience in gyms, the ramains of an old man blow drying his testicles.

Michael Che: Where do you workout, man?

Tournament Fighter

Amy… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Scorpinox… Mikey Day

Deathstripe… Kate McKinnon

Pyro… Luke Null

Boo Boo Jeffries… Tiffany Haddish

Mark… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Amy and Pete playing video game in Gamer Con. Kyle is hosting the show.]

Amy: Come on, come on, come on! Damn!

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Pete: Yes! Nice game.

Kyle: Alright. That was epic. Alright, attention, video gamers. Sonic Goon just knocked out Gamer Chick XX which means the quarterfinal match of the death fight 12 tournament will be Sonic Goon Vs. Pone Dunky. Pune Dunky, make your way to the tournament stage.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, let’s do this. Let’s do this. What’s up? What’s up? Alright, cool. What’s up? [Amy walks out and Kenan takes her place]

Kyle: Alright, one match. Best two out of three rounds. Sonic Goon, you are player one. Pick your Death Fighter.

[Cut to the video game character selection]

Video game voice: Player one, choose your fighter. Scorpinox. You selected Scorpinox.

Scorpinox: No mercy. Only pain.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, man! I was gonna be Scorpinox. That’s cool though. Let’s see who our Pone Dunky gonna beat you with.

Video game voice: Player two, choose your fighter.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Deathstripe.

Deathstripe: Let’s rip some throats up.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Na, I don’t like Deathstripe’s combos. Next please.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Pyro.

Pyro: Who wants to feel the burn?

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Pyro’s too slow, man. I need somebody like Doom Snake. Where my boy Doon Snake at?

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries, y’all know me! Hah!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Boo Boo Jeffries? Yo, part 12 added some whack characters. I’m sorry, Boo Boo, but that’s a next.

[Kenan mistakenly presses ‘select’ button] [Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: You selected Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Knock, knock, who’s there? Boo Boo Jeffries. Boo Boo Jeffries, who? If you don’t know, you stupid.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, I pushed a wrong button. Can we start it over?

Kyle: Hey, sorry dude. No resets in tournament play.

Kenan: Even if we accidentally pick Boo Boo Jeffries? A character that I have never even seen before?

Pete: Hey, let’s go to our fighter overview.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries fighter overview.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Get to know your girl, Boo Boo Jeffries.

Video game voice: Primary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

Video game voice: Secondary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Beyoncé! Beyoncé! Beyonce!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Those are her special moves? This is a game where you rip people’s heads off.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Fighter’s strehgths.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My relationship with my mom. She’s my best friend

Video game voice: Fighter weaknesses.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My biggest weakness is fighting.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Fighting? Thats the only thing you got to be good at in this. It’s called Death Fight!

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Boo Boo Jeffries: My other weakness is, I get weird in groups. I’m great one on one but in groups, sad is my ass shuts down. I get quiet and all in my head, “Why do I do that?”

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t know, Boo Boo Jeffries. Hey man, I payed 75 bucks to play in this tournament, man. Just let me be Doom Snake.

Kyle: Ay, I’m sorry man. Rules are rules. Good luck, gentlemen.

[Cut to the game fight]

Video game voice: Scorpinox versus Boo Boo Jeffries. Round one. Fight!

Scorpinox: Death punch!

[Scorpinox punches Boo Boo Jeffries on her face. Boo Boo Jeffries heal bar is empty.]

Boo Boo Jeffries: No!

[Boo Boo Jeffries walks out]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Scorpinox: Your defeat tastes delicious.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: She left? Yo, I didn’t even get to push one button.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Amy: You should have done a Rihanna on him.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: No, I should have picked Doom Snake.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Kyle: Hey, you’re never gonna win with an attitude like that. Let’s go round two.

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Round two. Fight!

Boo Boo Jeffries: [staying at one place] Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

[Boo Boo Jeffries’ move did no damage to Scorpinox] [Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah. Yeah, that Rihanna move was a big help, thanks.

Kyle: Hey, try to do combo or something, bro. Come on, now.

Kenan: Alright, let’s see what this combo is all about.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries combo, prepare to be marked!

Video game voice: Combo!

Kenan: You getting marked for death. I knew my girl Boo Boo would come through.

Boo Boo Jeffries: This is my sister’s husband, Mark. You in trouble now.

[Mark walks in wearing a formal outfit.]

Mark: Okay, listen up, buster. The funny business ends now. Now, hit the road, Jack!

Boo Boo Jeffries: That’s a real man right there.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I am literally pushing no buttons right now. This is just happening.

[Cut to video game]

Mark: Hey! Hey, bud? You got wax in your ears? I said, scram!

[Scorpinox punches Mark on his stomach. Mark falls.] [Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Wow! Really saved the day there, Mark.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Okay, real talk. Nothing good comes from violence. When you fight, you lose. So, Boo Boo Jeffries is removing her self from the situation, which means Boo Boo Jeffries wins.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan looking all confused]

Kenan: Wins at what? Live or the game?

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Kenan: Oh, so not the game.

[Cut to Pete,Kenan, Kyle and Amy]

Great. Great. Cool.

Kyle: And Sonic Goon takes it. He’s going to the semi.

Kenan: Well, I guess there’s a reason why Boo Boo Jeffries isn’t on the cover of this game with all other fighers.

Amy: Yeah. She hates group settings.

Kenan: I’m sorry, what’s your name?

Amy: Amy.

Kenan: Shut up, Amy!

Tiffany Haddish Monologue

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tiffany Haddish.

[Tiffany Haddish walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Tiffany Haddish: Whoo! Ah! This is an amazing night. I’m so happy to be here. You may know me from a movie called ‘Girls Trip’ that came out this past summer. Star Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Regina Hall and me, Tiffany Haddish. Now, this movie made over $100 million plus. Okay? And I’m trying to figure out where is my cut of money coz I have not seen it at all yet. And all my friends are telling me, “Tiffany, you a star now. You big time. You balling out of control.” And I’m looking at my bank account like, “Uh-huh.” They say, “Google yourself.” So, I google myself, ‘Tiffany Haddish celebrity ne2rk.’ And it was said I was worth $2 million, y’all. But I ain’t seen this money? Where is this $2 million? What do I got to get this $2 million? Do I need to fake my death? Like, do I got to Tupac this and move to Tyler Perry island? Y’all know Tyler Perry got an island, right?

But, honestly though, before I was in ‘Girls Trip’, I grew up in foster care. I want to thank everybody who paid taxes between 1990 and 1999 because if you wouldn’t have paid your taxes, I wouldn’t be standing here. So, thank you. Thank you. I lived in a lot of group homes. My favorite show growing up was ‘SNL’. That’s my favorite thing to watch. You have no idea how difficult it is to get a bunch of black and hispanic kids to watch ‘SNL’ over ‘In Living Color.’ Okay? Try to convince them that Dana Carvy is just as funny as Damon Wayans was a problem. I got stabbed twice, y’all, in a bunk bed. That’s why I don’t mess with bunk beds to this day. I don’t mess with them. They scare me.

They told me I should talk about something that’s going on in the world. Politics, hot topics. Here’s the thing, I don’t really pay attention to the news or anything. All my news comes from a beauty shop. When I get my hair done, I find out what was going on in the world. And women talking about a lot of different stuff. They were talking about in a beauty shop just the other day. About Donald Trump. And we were saying, “Damn! Who is doing Donald Trump’s wig? His face fronts are off the chain! His hair is looking all good for sleepy kind of president. What kind of glue is he using? Coz when the wind blow, it don’t even move or nothing. That’s good hair right there.”

And we’ve been talking about the whole sexual harassment stuff that’s been going on. And look here, okay guys. Fellas, I got a tip for y’all. I like to call it Tiffany’s tips. It’s a Tif’s tip. Listen fellas, listen. Okay? If you got your thing out and she got all her clothes on, you’re wrong. You’re in the wrong. [cheers and applause] Wait until she takes her own clothes off, then pull your thing out. Okay?

Speaking of men getting in trouble and stuff this past few months, I shot a movie with Kevin Hart this summer, okay? And Kevin came up to me one day and said, “Tiffany, you have been to Thailand, China, Japan. You went to Florida. You wen to Texas. You was in San Francisco, Los Angeles. And you did all that in a same day?” I was like, “No, Kevin. It took me two years to go all those places.” He was like, “Really? Because I went on your Instagram and you was wearing the same outfit in all those different places.” And here’s the thing. That’s what I can’t stand about the internet coz it’s messing with my fashion game. I feel like I should be able to wear what I want when I want, however many times I want as I paid for them. What? Like this dress, [mentioning the dress she’s wearing] I wore it on the Red Carpet for the ‘Girls Trip’ movie debut. And my whole team, they told me, “Tiffany, you cannot wear that dress on ‘SNL’. You already wore it. It’s taboo to wear it twice.” And I said, “I don’t give a dang about no taboo. I spent a lot of money on this dress. This dress cost way more than my mortgage. This is a Alexander McQueen, okay? This is a $4,000 dress. I’m gonna wear this dress multiple times. Okay?” Real talk? You might see this dress in two sketches tonight. If somebody invites me to a bar of bat mitzvah, guess what I’m going to wear? This Alexander McQueen dress. If somebody invites me to all black party, guess what I’m wearing? This all white dress. If another man asks me to marry him, if I ever get married again, and yes, I’ve married before. People are always shocked when I say that like, “Tiffany, you were married?” Yes, I’m a beautiful woman, okay? I might get married two or three more times. I might Elizabeth Taylor this thing. You don’t know. But if another man asks me to marry him, guess what I’m wearing? This dress. And shoot! Don’t invite me to your party coz I’ll probably wear this dress to it too.

And if I die, which I hope I never do, I hope I live forever. But if I die and even if I become fat as hell, if I’m the biggest fat, I don’t care, when I’m laying in that casket, guess what’s going to be laying on top of my fat ass body? This dress.

Now, if somebody invited me to a baptist church and they say they want me to participate in the praise and worship dance, I’m waring this dress to the church and I am gonna dance my butts off, buddy. And I’m going to show you how I’m going to do it. Band, kick that thing.

[band playing music] [Tiffany Haddish is dancing around]

We are gonna have a great show tonight. Taylor Swift is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back. I’m Tiffany Haddish.

The Last Black Unicorn

Maureen… Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Beck Bennett

Black Unicorn… Tiffany Haddish

Old Black Unicorn… Leslie Jones

[Starts with a opening of the book ‘The Last Black Unicorn’]

Male voice: Once upon a time, the world was filled with magical creatures. The noblest among them were the black unicorns who possessed the ability to see through time. But now, with magic having all but left our world, only one remains.

[Cut to Maureen, Melissa and Beck looking around in the magical world]

Maureen: So, according to this map, this is the home of the last black unicorn.

Melissa: Oh, come on, Maureen. No one believes in unicorns anymore.

Beck: Yeah, Maureen, don’t be so naive.

[Black Unicorn runs out making horse noises]

Beck: Whoa! She is real!

Maureen: I told you.

Black Unicorn: I’m the last black unicorn. And with my magical horn, I can unveil the mysteries of the future.

Melissa: Whoa. You can see the future?

Black Unicorn: Hmm. [horse noises]

Beck: Mrs. Black Unicorn, I got to know. Will me and my girl stay together forever? [referring to Beck and Melissa]

Black Unicorn: Hmm, yes. I can see that the two of you will marry and live a long and happy life together.

Beck: Heck, yeah, babe. I friggin love you.

Maureen: Wow, what about me? Will I ever find true love?

Black Unicorn: Umm. Yes. I see you marrying the love of your life many years from now.

Maureen: Yes! I knew it.

Black Unicorn: I see you walking down the aisle. Your mother is crying. Your father is beaming. And all five of your children are there with their five different fathers.

Maureen: Wait. I’m sorry. I have five kids before I’m even married?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. I mean, when you get to college, you start throwing down.

Maureen: Oh, really?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. For few years, you are just conceiving and birthing and back to back and back to back. I mean, if you ain’t getting it in, you getting it out, if you know what I mean.

Beck: Oh, gross.

Maureen: Well, what about dads? Are they at least good fathers?

Black Unicorn: Oh, absolutely they are not. One of them is actually a red headed white guy with dread locks that look like Cheetos.

Maureen: God! That sounds terrible.

Melissa: Well, what about us? Will we ever have kids?

Black Unicorn: Um, yes. In your future, I see two wonderful children. Your daughter is a talented musician and your son is a gifted painter. [To Maureen] And your son, well, he also is involved with paint. Um-hmm.

Maureen: Well, how so?

Black Unicorn: He’s huffing it.

Maureen: So my son does drugs?

Black Unicorn: Yes. But on the bright side, your daughter sells drugs.

Maureen: Oh my god! Do all my kids have drug problems?

Black Unicorn: No. Actually one of your sons is sober. But he is like, the worst.

Maureen: How?

Black Unicorn: Well, he is just always mad. He’s like that really angry white kid you graduate with who joins the army and you are like, “Good luck, army.”

Beck: Man, your son sucks.

[Another black unicorn walks out]

Old Black Unicorn: Whoa, whoa. Now, why are you telling this little girl all these horrible things?

Beck: Hey, I thought you said you were the last black unicorn.

Black Unicorn: Well, she’s older than me.

Old Black Unicorn: Little girl, look, life is always going to have it’s struggles. But I can see there is still plenty of good in your future.

Maureen: Like, what kind of good?

Old Black Unicorn: Well, for example, I see you living in a beautiful apartment.

Black Unicorn: Yeah, because your house gets foreclosed on.

Old Black Unicorn: Okay, yeah. But you also get to travel the country.

Black Unicorn: On the run from FBI with your drug lord daughter.

Maureen: You know, I don’t really need to hear anymore.

Old Black Unicorn: Wait, wait. hang on. What if I told you that in the end of you retire to a secluded island?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, rikers.

Maureen: My life sucks.

Old Black Unicorn: Look, life is what you make it. If you say it sucks, it will.

Maureen: Okay. So, what you’re saying is that if I’m just true to myself, I might be able to escape my terrible destiny?

Old Black Unicorn: Oh, no. All that stuff is still going to happen. You just need to stop whining about it.

Black Unicorn: Yeah. And I didn’t even told you half the stuff. How much time you got? [horse noises]

The Dolphin Who Learned to Speak

Dr Jean Frye… Kate McKinnon

Dr. Mary Hartman… Aidy Bryant

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with BBC video bumper]

Female voice: And now we return to our feature presentation, the dolphin who learned to speak.

[Cut to the video documentary]

Male voice: In the 1960s, there was a ground swell of scientific research into the minds of animals. The Mammal Cognition Lab was primarily focused on Dolphin communication.

[Cut to Dr Jean Frye and Dr. Mary Hartman]

Dr Jean Frye narrating: We were a two woman team eager to prove ourselves in the male dominated field of science.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Our objective was simple. Can dolphins acquire human language? What if a dolphin could speak?

[Cut to old video clip of Dr. Mary Hartman recording dolphin’s voice]

Dr. Mary Hartman: May 7th, 1965.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: Our specimen was a 15 year old male named Gerald. He was very smart. Very strong willed.

[Cut to old video of Dr. Mary Hartman teaching a dolphin to talk]

Dr. Mary Hartman: A. See my mouth. A. [dolphin sound] Gerald.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: But as Gerald reached breeding age, he became less focused. Agitated. His natural drive was distracting him from our work.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: You know, when a dolphin reaches sexual maturity, there is no stopping them. And then one day, I was in the water with Gerald when he got that glassy look in his eye that meant he was having an urge, so to speak. And so, I turned to Mary and I said, “Why don’t I just yank him off real quick?” Just like that. It just came out.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: At first I wasn’t sure it was ethical but we had to, for the science. So, I did it.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: So, I did it. Right away, he was clear as a bell and we were able to quickly get back to our work.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Yes. And so it became part of our routine. We would work a while, yank a while, work a while, yank a while. And then, a tug or two and then teach a dolphin to speak.

Male voice: Their methods were unorthodox and their colleagues in other parts of the lab began to take notice.

Tiffany narrating: I was on the echo location unit across the hall. We knew what they were doing in there. I wrote about it in my field notes. April 21st. 1965. “No, no, no. That’s nasty! All of you are nasty, sick people, yanking off that fish. Hell no!”

Dr Jean Frye narrating: For a while, the progress was astounding. He learned the alphabets. We were about to teach him sign language.
Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Yes, but soon he started to regress. Really, only doing a few signs. The signs for ‘hand’, and ‘now’, and ‘who gonna J me O’.

Tiffany narrating: I’m pretty sure Gerald was talking to the other dolphins and tell them, “Hey, you don’t have to work for fish. They will do other things.”

Dr Jean Frye narrating: Well, eventually, the hand sessions took up most of the time.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Almost seven to eight hours of the day. Later, I suggested a way of working as a team. So, to speed up the process.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: When she was the hand, I would wait outside the door. I would count to 20 and I would bust in and I would say, “Who’s doing nasty things in here? Bad Gerald!” Gerald really liked shame.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: And this was good, of course for the science.

Male voice: But after 10 years of work with Gerald, he was approved for a well deserved retirement from the research lab.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: It was hard to say goodbye to Gerald, physically, because he was frantically trying to turn into a sex thing. Eventually, they cleared Gerald for release into the wild. But boy, do I still think of him fondly.

Roy Moore & Jeff Sessions Cold Open

Heidi gardner

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Roy Moore… Mikey Day

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Heidi and Mike Pence in Vice President’s office]

Heidi: Mr. Vice President, Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore is here.

Mike Pence: Great, send him in.

[Roy Moore walks in. he is wearing a cowboy hat.[

[Heidi walks out.] [cheers and applause]

Roy Moore: How are you doing, Mike?

Mike Pence: Roy, I don’t have to tell you that the senate hangs in the balance. We are trying to pass a tax reform plan this year to bring Mr. Trump’s list of big legislative accomplishments to one. We can’t lose your seat this December.

Roy Moore: Yes, sir.

Mike Pence: Now, I know you’re Bannon’s guy but this latest news about you is concerning. Voters in Alabama will never elect someone who has had relations with a minor.

Roy Moore: You sure about that?

Mike Pence: No. Alabama is quite a place. But we can’t take chances.

Roy Moore: Mike, look, it’s all lies. I’m not that guy.

Mike Pence: Perhaps, roy, perhaps. But it’s hard to convince people that you are not into young girls when you dress like Woody from Toy Story.

Roy Moore: Come on. The left wing media loves to repeat these sexual harassment stories. There is a new every day, Mike.

Mike Pence:  I know, even I heard about Louis C.K. and I’m only allowed to listen to the TV. But this girl who accused you was 14 years old, Roy. You have got to do the right thing here.

Roy Moore: Alright. If everyone thinks I did it, I’ll marry her.

Mike Pence: No, Roy, no. No, Roy. I want you to consider stepping aside. Don’t think of it as ending your campaign. Think of it as going to conversion therapy to turn yourself into someone who is no longer a candidate.

Roy Moore: I mean, come on, sir, do we have to do it this way? Can’t we just call the boss?

Mike Pence: Sorry, I’m not going to call Vladimir Putin about this. Now, I can’t make you do anything, Roy, but I want you to think long and hard about this. I will give you a couple of minutes to consider.

[Mike Pence walks out]

Roy Moore: Oh, dang! What a pickle this is. What am I gonna do?

[Jeff Sessions comes out of a cupboard] [cheers and applause]

Jeff Sessions: You’re gonna drop out, that’s what you’re gonna do.

Roy Moore: Hey, Jeff Sessions, what are you doing here?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I was just doing what I always do. Cooking up nightmares for children. It’s good I”m here because I have been meaning to talk to you. Have a seat.

Roy Moore: alright.

Jeff Sessions: Now, Roy, you’ve been doing some controversial stuff. You wave a gun around on stage. Tell folks Muslims shouldn’t be allowed in the congress and that9/11 was god’s punishment for sodomy. I love it. You check a lot of boxes for me, Roy.

Roy Moore: Thank you, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: But, this is really bad. I’m usually the creepiest one in the room bu tI look at you and I’m like, “Oh, my god.” I got the goose flesh. They say you even admitted to being with a couple of 16 year olds.

Roy Moore: Oh, come on, Jeff. You know I was just kidding.

Jeff Sessions: Ah! Alright, that’s a relief.

Roy Moore: No. Kidding is the term I use for dating young ladies.

Jeff Sessions: Alright! Alright, get on out of here. I’m Alabama but you, sir, are too Alabama. Get out. [Roy Moore walks out] Get on. Leave me to my Gerrymandering. Oh, Papa, I need some advice. [Jeff Sessions pulls out an animal doll] Papa, what’s going on? I want to be happy again. I want to go back to the senate, daddy. I’ll be good. I’ll talk to Kamala Harris. I promise. But there are so many men out there acting like monsters. Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, the president. Daddy, has this been happening forever? Have I and benefitted from a system of oppression? No? Well, that’s a relief. I love you daddy. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Message from the DNC

Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Diane Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Tim Kaine… Mikey Day

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now a message from the democratic national committee.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi in her set]

Nancy Pelosi: This Tuesday, American went to the poll.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And they told president Trump, “We don’t like what you’re doing at all, sir.”

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And now, one thing is clear. We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: The dems are back.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language.] We’re back!

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein: You love us again.

Chuck Schumer: And we haven’t felt this confident since the day before Trump won.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: You love our fresh new ideas delivered by fresh new faces like me, Nancy Pelosi.

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And me, Diane Feinstein.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And me, Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language] I’m Tim Kaine.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: And I’m team player, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: And we also have some great new leaders waiting in the wings like hot young thing, Elizabeth Warren. And also, that’s right.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: It’s Biden Time.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And I’m still around too.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi and Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And together, we are going to end the spirit of divisiveness in this country by focusing on how we won the governor’s faces in two of the 10 states we care about.

Nancy Pelosi: And we learned our lesson from the election. We can’t just appeal to coastal elites. We need mouth breathers from Wisconsin.

Diane Feinstein: And window lickers from Ohio as well.

Nancy Pelosi: And we know what Americans really care about is jobs.

Diane Feinstein: Jobs, like smuggling immigrants across the border.

Nancy Pelosi: And converting confederate monuments into statues of prominent lesbian poets.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And we’re going to lace into people if they don’t say what’s politically correct. Like these comics out there who think it’s okay to make jokes about concentration camps. That guy should rot in he..

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: The dems are back, and we don’t stop now because we need another path for our country.

Diane Feinstein: Another vision for America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Another chance for me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Just one more chance, and maybe more more chance after that. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: I thought she was dead.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: We need bold leadership.

Diane Feinstein: And new blood.

[Cut to ‘Not Hillary’. She is Hillary Clinton wearing a fake mustache.]

Not Hillary: I think the Hillary idea could still work.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Chuck Schumer: This is our time.

Diane Feinstein: Our time.

Tim Kaine: Yo soy, Tim Kaine.

Nancy Pelosi: And just wait till Bernie transfers his millennial voters over to new leader.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. If you like it, you should have put a ring on it. Pass!

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: So, watch out, America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Because the dems are back.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: We’re back.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: Wi ado, senor, Trump.

All: Because the dems are back.

[Donna Brazile walks in]

Donna Brazile: I will destroy all of this.

Male voice: This ad was paid for by Mark Cuban for republican president.