Weekend Update Steve Bannon Indicted

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at left top corner.]

Well, guys, I think the lesson we all learned this week is never break up with Taylor Swift. Or she will sing about you for 10 minutes on national television. At the very least, return the scarf.

[Picture changes to Steve Bannon]

But in real news, I don’t really know what’s real anymore, ex Trump advisor Steve Bannon seen here moments after shooting out of a sewage pipe, sorry, I should use this full name, Stephen K. Bannon, the K stands for three Ks, was indicted this week for contempt of Congress. And convicted Bannon would face up to two years in prison which from the looks of him might be a life sentence.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at right top corner]

Michael Che: Legal experts are saying that Kyle Rittenhouse crying on the stand as he described how he shot his victims will help him with the jury. Man, is there a white tears law school that I don’t know about? I noticed that every time you all get in trouble, you start crying and everything just works out for you whether you’re trying to beat a murder charge or trying to be a Supreme Court justice.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jacob Chancellor in Capitol riot at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Prosecutors have asked a judge to send Jacob Chancellor, the January 6 and surgeon known as the QAnon shaman to 51 months in prison. They chose that because five plus one equals six. 666 is the mark of the beast. 6+6+6 is 18, minus 1 for one nation under God equals 17. And the 17th letter of the alphabet is, say it with me, Q. It almost makes too much sense.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Britney Spears at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [to Colin Jost] There’s something wrong with you, man. A judge on Friday officially ended Britney Spears conservatorship after 13 years. Media is very excited that she’s back on her feet so they can knock her right back down again.

[Picture changes to Josh Hawley]

Senator Josh Hawley, whose middle name is “I’m actually” said in a speech that after years of being told their manhood is the problem, men are turning to pornography and video games, which is not true. I also drink.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Elon Must at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Elon Musk sold nearly $5 billion in Tesla stock after he pulled his followers on Twitter and they told him to do it. Which is good news because the polls other option was kill a drifter.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “Mask mandate ban violates Americans with disabilities act” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A judge ruled that Texas Governor Greg Abbott’s executive order banning mass mandates in school violate the Americans with disabilities act. Because in Texas, you have to treat the disabled with care and respect until the day you execute them.

[Picture changes to a group of people wearing Santa Claus costumes]

I don’t know why I thought that make you laugh. It was announced that New York City Santa Con, which was cancelled last year will return this December. So, the answer is nothing. The pandemic taught us nothing.


Weekend Update StandUp Robot Laughingtosh 3000

Colin Jost

Laughintosh 3000… Aristotle Athari

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Recently some companies have been using artificial intelligence for artistic pursuits like dance music and painting. Here to comment is a robot programmed to do stand up comedy, Laughintosh 3000.

[Laughintosh slides in]

Laughintosh: Hello, hello, Colin. How are you today? I’m doing well. What a lovely crowd. This is crowd work. Look at this guy. Where are you from, Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m from Staten Island.

Laughintosh: Staten Island. Processing. Processing. Staten Island sucks. Am I right? This was crap work.

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah, very, very impressive. That’s great.

Laughintosh: Now, do you want to hear some jokes?

Colin Jost: Sure. Yeah.

Laughintosh: The difference between black people and white–

Colin Jost: [stopping Laughintosh] Okay. Okay. Don’t jump right into that, Laughintosh. What about some impressions? Impressions are fun.

Laughintosh: The impression. Loading. Loading. This is my impression of Instagram. Look at my body. Look at my face. Look at my vacation. Look at my body. This was Instagram.

Colin Jost: It’s a pretty good impression.

Laughintosh: Do you like it. Thank you so much.

Colin Jost: Do you have any others any other impressions? Okay. You have any other impressions?

Laughintosh: Yes. This is my impression of Tinder. This is Tinder. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. What’s up, baby? Would you like to have sex tonight? No? Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. This was Tinder.

Colin Jost: Interesting. Wow. So, you date?

Laughintosh: That’s a very sore subject. It’s very hard to date as a robot. My last girlfriend was a GPS. Whenever we had sex, she only wanted to give directions. Go left. Go left. Lower. Lower. Lower. Recalculating. Destination, unreached. This was my lowest Moment.

Colin Jost: Oh, man. It’s okay. You know, you’re here and you’re doing great.

Laughintosh: Well, that couldn’t be worse. I couldn’t be living in Staten Island, baby. Am I right?

Colin Jost: Laughintosh 3000, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Sarah Sherman Roasts Colin Jost

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost at his set]

Speaker Colin Jost: Well guys, we are six shows into our new season. Here to tell us how it’s going is one of our new cast members, Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in] [cheers and applause]

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Hey, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: Hey, Sarah. So, how’s your time with the show been so far?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: What’s not to love? Laughing, comedy, New York City. But I’m not gonna lie, dude. I’ve got some feedback.

Speaker Colin Jost: You got feedback already?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Yeah. And I got a lot of questions about this show. First off, why is it live?

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, the name is show Saturday Night Live.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Don’t you think that’s a little scary, Colin? I could say something right now that could ruin my life and yours.

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, please don’t.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: I kind of want to I’m crazy.

Speaker Colin Jost: Don’t though.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Anything could happen. I can have a nip slip right now.

Speaker Colin Jost: Sarah, you’re buttoned up to your neck.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: You don’t where my nipples are.

Speaker Colin Jost: Okay, like I feel like I know where most people’s nipples are.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Hah, do you?

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local pervert Colin Jost claims he’s seen most people’s nipples” at left top corner.]

This just pervert Collin Jost claims he seen most people’s nipples. Now, back to you, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: That’s not what I meant.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why is the show on so late? It’s not even Saturday anymore. It’s Sunday. You people are being lied to.

Speaker Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. Well, the show starts on Saturday.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Wow.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Self proclaimed nipple expert Colin Jost caught mansplaining live on TV” at left top corner.] Wow. In other news, self proclaimed nipple expert mansplaining live on television. Now back to you, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: Where are you getting these graphics?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Please stop interrupting me. And another thing. Why is everyone on the cast so freaking good looking? I’m sitting here looking like Chucky went to Saint Lawrence.

Speaker Colin Jost: Come on. No, no.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Oh, so you’re saying I’m beautiful? What are you obsessed with me or something?

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local sicko Colin Jost caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal new girl” at left top corner.]

Breaking news, local sicko Colin Jost caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal new girl.

Speaker Colin Jost: Barely Legal? You’re like, 30.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why aren’t there any Jews on this show?

Speaker Colin Jost: There are a lot of Jewish people on the show including you.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Wow. Okay, I’m gonna do it.

Speaker Colin Jost: Don’t do it.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: I’m gonna.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local wet blanket Colin Jost is keeping track of the amount of Jews at SNL” at left top corner.]

In other news, local wet blanket Colin Jost is keeping track of the amount of Jews at SNL. He’s making a list and he’s checking it twice. More on that at 11.

Speaker Colin Jost: It’s way past 11.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why are you guys dressed like that? I mean, nice jacket, Collin. Where’d you get that? The friggin store?

Speaker Colin Jost: I mean, yeah, I got it a store. Yeah.

Michael Che: [laughing hard] She got you, man. You suck. Oh. That’s such a beating.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Michael.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Noted white feminist Michael Che protects innocent Jweish girl from gorgeous facist Colin Jost” at left top corner.] Noted white feminist Michael Che protects innocent Jweish girl from gorgeous facist Colin Jost.

Speaker Colin Jost: Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Weekend Update Ebikes Eggnog Seltzer

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of e-bike at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that the fastest growing form of electronic vehicle is the E bike which is particularly popular in cities. At this point, experts believe the only thing that could slow these bikes down are car doors.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of University of Cambridge logo at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: Cambridge University in England released the new calendar featuring student athletes naked. Unfortunately, they’re all from the Quidditch team.

[Picture changes to Bud Light Seltzer logo]

Bud Light is releasing a carbonated eggnog flavored drink called seltzer knob. If you want a preview of the taste throw up in your mouth.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Sex on sand dunes cause erosion” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Environmentalists are warning visitors to the Canary Islands that having sex on the sand dunes is causing them to erode faster. Not to mention making them super clumpy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In an effort to end his long standing feud with Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel posted an open letter on Instagram. Of course, for Vin Diesel and open letter is just a “C”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a planet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A chartered plane service in Las Vegas is offering people ride to nowhere so they can have sex in the air. “Oh fun,” said a polar bear and 60 degree weather. These are some dark jokes, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of giraffes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After three giraffes died at the Dallas zoo in less than a month, officials are investigating the deaths are connected. Some are beginning to suspect that this could be the work of notorious serial killer Giraffery Dahmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Appalachian Trail at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An 83 year old man has become the oldest person ever to hike the Appalachian Trail. The man dedicated the walk to his wife who died a few miles back.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of DJ Khalid at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: DJ Kalid announced the new chicken wing delivery service that will use jet skis to offer both side chicken service. Khalad said he came up with the idea with help from his longtime business partner, cocaine.

Ted Cruz Sesame Street Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Big Bird… Kyle Mooney

Joe Rogan… Pete Davidson

Ernie… Mikey Day

Bert… Alex Moffat

Oscar…Chris Redd

Dracula… Aristotle Athari

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Newsmax kids. At one it’s White Power Ranger. But first, it’s Ted Cruz Street.

[Cut to Ted Cruz standing in front of a door.]

Ted Cruz: Hello. Hello, I’m Texas senator and the last one invited to Thanksgiving, Ted Cruz. You know, for Ernie0 years I stood by Sesame Street, taught our children dangerous ideas like numbers and kindness. But when Big Bird told children to get vaccinated against deadly disease, I said, “Enough!”. And I created my own Sesame Street called Cruz Street. It’s a gated community where kids are safe from the World Government. Tell them kids.

[There are three kids who are singing]

Kids: Cruzy days
sweeping the libs away
and he hopes you’ll say

that his beard looks sweet

Ted Cruz: Grab an eagle and a gun

Kids: Bring that gun to cruz street

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in with a rifle]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Did someone say bring gun?

Ted Cruz: Oh. Marjorie Taylor Greene. What are you doing here?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I’m just taking a break from releasing the phone numbers of Republicans who voted for the infrastructure bill so they and their families get death threats. And I thought I’d stop by. Here kid, you want to hold the AR-Ted CruzErnie?

Andrew: I don’t think I should.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Pussy.

Ted Cruz: And I hear you have a word from our sponsor.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s right. Today’s episode is brought to you by Q. Not the letter, the man. He will tell us when JFK Jr. who is alive will reveal himself and help President Trump reclaim his rightful throne.

Ted Cruz: Everything about that sounds right. Thanks, Marjorie.

Marjorie Taylor Greene:  I represent America.

Ted Cruz: Now, as you know, I was mocked for attacking Big Bird on Twitter, simply because I’m a human senator and he is an eight foot tall fictional bird. But let’s see what happened to Big Bird after he got the vaccine.

[Big Bird walks in. It’s a guy wearing yellow bird costume]

Big Bird: Oh, man. I don’t feel too good.

Ted Cruz: Wow. So this is what happened to you a week after you got the vaccine?

Big Bird: It sure is. My feathers fell out. My nuts got huge. And my joints don’t work. It’s real bad man.

Ted Cruz: Well, don’t worry. I read online that you can take a bath in Borax, and that will cleanse you have any nanotechnology?

Andrew: You’re sure, Senator Cruz? That sounds kind of dumb.

Ted Cruz: No. You’re dumb. Borax is cool.

Big Bird: Maybe the vaccine gave me COVID.

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes, that sounds correct. Let’s ask our resident medical expert, Joe Rogan.

[Joe Rogan walks in eating chips]

Joe Rogan: Yes, that’s right. I used to host Fear Factor and now doctors fear me.

Big Bird: Can you help me, Joe?

Joe Rogan: Oh, sure thing Big Bird. You see, I took Carlos Mencia down. I can take COVID. Here some zinc, and ayahuasca and some horse medicine.

Big Bird: But why would a bird take horse medicine?

Joe Rogan: I’m a human and I took horse medicine. And I’m speaking of things that are a horse like. Today’s two sponsors are the letters S and D as in I can S my own D.

Bowen: Oh my god. Isn’t this for kids?

Andrew: No one under 65 watches.

Melissa: I’m almost 30.

Ted Cruz: Thanks, Joe Rogan. But S and D aren’t the only letters we’re talking about today. There’s also three terrible letters C, R and T. Critical Race Theory. And I think it stands for Caucasian Rights Trampled. That’s why the proud boys have been invading school board meetings to keep CRT out of our classrooms. Please welcome to have the proud boys, Bert and Ernie.

[Ernie and Bert walk in]

Ernie: Hi. Hi, Ted.

Bert: And yeah, we are out and proud.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. They are out there every day proudly fighting the progressive agenda.

Ernie: Our relationship has progressed a bit.

Bert: We got engaged. [showing their rings] Ha-ha-ha.

Ted Cruz: Engaged in a battle against the tyranny of wokers.

Ernie: Hey, Bert, let’s go take a bath.

[Ernie and Bert leave]

Ted Cruz: Their girlfriends are very lucky. Now another danger facing our country is the Democrats new social safety net bill.

[Oscar comes out of trash can. He’s wearing Grinch costume.]

Oscar: Did somebody say free money?

Ted Cruz: Uh-oh, it’s been Nemesis Oscar the slouch. He’s been trained by the Democrats to suck up the the government.

Oscar: That’s right. Papa Joe Biden gave me so many STEMIs, I decided to quit working and live in this trash can. Now you all work hard and Biden gives me your money.

Ted Cruz: Wow. And you have no shame about that?

Oscar: Um-um. I’m proud of it. I’m a ward of the state. I use your tax money on drugs and pornography.

Ted Cruz: At least he admitted it. All Democrats are him. Let’s take a quick break. And when we return we’ll find out how Trump definitely won the election with the recount count.

[ A guys walks in Dracula custume.]

Dracula: I’m moving to Arizona.

Ted Cruz: And don’t miss our Word of the day, Freedom, with Miss Britney Spears.

[Britney Spears walks in dancing]

Britney Spears: Oh my god, you guys. We did it.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Strange Kid Tales

Alan Daniels… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Jaron… Jonathan Majors

Marla Winters… Aidy Bryant

Dave Timkens… Alex Moffat

Ramona Garrett… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Sci Fi channel. Why?

[Cut to the show intro]

Alan: Alright, welcome back to Strange Kid Tales. The show where parents tell us paranormal stories about their kids. I hate hosting this show. But a paycheck’s a paycheck. I’m Alan Daniels with me is my co host Kenny Jaron. You ready to do this?

Kenny: No. But we got to do it anyway.

Alan: Yep. Our first guest, Marla Winters and her son, Caden.

[Marla Winters and her son walk in]

So what’s going on with this little boy?

Marla: Oh! Well, Caden’s always been so perceptive. And it’s like, he can see other worldly things that we can’t see.

Alan: What does that mean?

Marla: Oh, well, like the other day, we were walking by a cemetery.

Alan: No.

Marla: And he starts waving at someone. Only there’s no one there.

Alan: Do not like it.

Marla: So, I say, “Who are you waving at?” And he says, “The man in the red jacket.”

Alan: The in the what now?

Marla: And the weird part is–

Alan: Oh, that wasn’t the weird part?

Marla: When I was tucking him in that night, he waved at the corner of his bedroom, and I said, “Who are you waving at now?” And he goes, “The man in the red jacket.” He followed us home.

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats.]

Alan and Kenny: No. No, no, no, no.

Alan: Alright. Thank you for being here. But you gotta go. Alright. Let’s keep it moving.

Kenny: Do we have to?

Alan: Yes.

Kenny: Okay.

Alan: All right. Our next guests are Dave Timkens and his six year old son, Max.

[Dave Timkens and his son walk in]

No! Kid already looks creepy, he ain’t even said a word.

Kenny: There’s nothing behind his eyes. [The kid, Alan and Kenny stare at each other]

Alan: Alright. So why don’t you just tell me your kid’s tale, man?

Dave: Okay, so well. A few weeks ago, I was watching a World War II doc. They were showing footage of these fighter planes, and out of the blue Max turns to me and says, “When I was old, I flew a plane like that.”

Alan: When he was old? He said when he was old?

Kenny: Nah!

Alan: That is not a sentence I want coming out of a child’s mouth.

Dave: Yeah. So, in a past life, Max here was a World War II fighter pilot. Tell him which aircraft carrier you served on pal.

Max: The Natoma.

Kenny: He knows the name of the ship.

Alan: He knows the name of the ship.

Dave: Yeah, yeah, he does. Max has a really vivid memory of his plane getting shot down and going underwater. Tell him what happened next.

Max: I died.

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats]

Alan: Oh, man! Come on! Come on. He said he died. And now he here? Take that demon child away from here. Man, I do not like this show. I don’t like these tales.

Kenny: I’m out. I quit.

Alan: You can’t quit. I need you. I can’t listen to the spooky stories by myself.

Kenny: Alright, back. Maybe the last kid won’t be as creepy.

Alan: Yeah, maybe.

Kenny: Okay. Let’s see. You good?

Alan: Yeah, I’m good. You good?

Kenny: Yes.

Alan: Alright. Man, let’s see. Last guests, Ramona Garrett and her daughter… Oh, hell. Coraline. Alright. So, what’s going on with this little Wednesday Adams?

Ramona: So, a few months ago Coraline started singing the song I’d never heard. I said, “Who taught you that?” She said, “The old lady who comes into my room at night.”

Kenny: No.

Ramona: She said, it’s her imaginary friend. But then we were looking through an old family photo album and there was a picture of her great grandmother who died 15 years ago. [Alan and Kenny are all teared up] And Coraline points to the photo and says, “That’s the woman who sings to me at night.”

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats]

Alan: What do I always say? Hmm? Imaginary friends are ghosts. Alright. That’s it. This is our last show. We are done.

Ramona: Oh my gosh. We’re sorry to hear that. [looking at her daughter] Wait. Who are you staring at?

Coraline: [pointing behind Alan and Kenny] The man in the red jacket?

[[Alan and Kenny slowly turns back. There’s a man in the red jacket. They run out.]

Pastor Announcement

Harold… Kenan Thompson

Pastor… Jonathan Majors

Carolyn… Ego Nwodim

Corinne… Aidy Bryant

Christine… Melissa Villaseñor

George… Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Pastor at a church podium]

Harold: You get what you give
and it’s all how you use it

[Pastor and Carolyn walk forward]

Pastor: Wow. Wow. Thank you, Herold, for that beautiful rendition of god is a DJ by P.

Carolyn: Um-hmm. And it’s our honor and pleasure to welcome you to the first damn Baptist Church.

Pastor: I am Pastor JR Jr. and this is my wife Carolyn. We’re so glad to be with you today.

Carolyn: And it’s so good to see you again, sister Corinne. You’re looking much better.

Corinne: Thank you. I had a facelift.

Pastor: Now, the First Lady and I have an announcement because we have no secrets in this church. Can I get an Amen?

All: Amen.

Carolyn: Now, we have shared 24 beautiful years of marriage. And also last year. Can I get an oh no?

All: Oh, no.

Pastor: That’s right. Till death do us part. And since I can’t kill this woman, I have decided that we are going to open up our marriage.

Carolyn: That’s right. Hallelu-we-are open for business.

Pastor: And it’s hard. It’s hard to talk about in front of the congregation, not because it’s wrong, but because we are only romantically interested in some of you.

Carolyn: Those people have already been notified via perfumed invitation. If you did not receive an invitation. I’m sorry, it’s gonna be a no for me, dog.

Harold: Well, what the hell is wrong with me?

Pastor: Harold, I’m sorry. We just don’t see you that way.

Harold: Well, I am shocked.

Christine: I’m excited to maybe date you guys. So how will this work?

Pastor: We’ll be on many apps. For example, Tinder.

Carolyn: Grindr.

Pastor: Hinge.

Carolyn: Google Earth.

Pastor: Angie’s List.

Carolyn: Coffee Meets Penis.

Pastor: And anyone can invite us to Raya, please do.

Harold: Well, I’m on Raya.

Carolyn: No, you’re not, Harold.

Harold: You right.

George: I have a question. Um, open marriage? Is that what I have?

Pastor: No, George, you are just cheating on your wife.

George: Well, do you think she knows?

Punkie: Well, I do now.

Pastor: If you’re wondering where all this came from, we were talking about our hall passes, and she said hers was Barack Obama.

Carolyn: Then he said his list Travis who sings bass in the church choir.

Pastor: And she said, “You know what? I want to change mine to Travis.”

Travis: Wait. I’m Travis.

Carolyn: Correct. It’s something about you. You’re weird, but in a sexy way.

Travis: Aw. Amen.

Pastor: I’m shocked. You’re also engaged right now because certainly some of us are preaching and I don’t get a “Yes, Pastor”, not a “Amen, Pastor.”

Christine: [wearing her lipstick] Yes, Pastor.

Pastor: Christine. Did you just put on a bunch of lipstick?

Christine: That depends. Do you like it?

Carolyn: Now, what are y’all even doing?

Corinne: [showing her cleavage] Well, my shirt fell down.

George: [showing his stomach] My shirt rolled up.

Carolyn: Alright. Now, y’all just being thirsty.

Pastor: Don’t throw it at us. Why don’t you go around and tell us why you think you should be our first.

Harold: [standing] Alright.

Carolyn: Harold, you wanna sit your ass down.

Pastor: We value your friendship too much.

Harold: I know what that means. Friendzoned by my pastor.

Pastor: You know, actually before y’all answer, why don’t we tell you what we’re into. So, here’s a list of the role plays we enjoy. Doctor-nurse.

Carolyn: Girl dog-boy dog.

Pastor: Baseball manager and umpire in a fight.

Carolyn: Jenna and Hodor.

Corinne: But, do you mean Hoda?

Carolyn: I sure don’t.

Pastor: Now, in terms of lovemaking.

Carolyn: Positions we enjoy include missionary. List is over. You have to know we are pastors.

Harold: You sure? Coz I’ve got these nimble organ fingers.

Carolyn: Harold, shut your ass up. You have one job, play the organ.

Harold: One day I’m gonna walk out that door and you are going to miss this.

Carolyn: No. Alright. Well, we got to go ahead and wrap this up. We’ve got our first date with a nice lady who works at a chicken fillet. And today his holiday off it’s Sunday.

Pastor: Can I get my freak on?

All: Freak on! Amen.

March of the Suitors

Assistant… Mikey Day

Queen… Chloe Fineman

Thomas… Kyle Mooney

Rafi… Andrew Dismukes

Josephine… Cecily Strong

Milk Maker… Heidi Gardener

Lady Eloise… Aidy Gardner

Prince Harwey… Jonathan Majors

Archanbald… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Tawnie… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the History Channel. At nine it’s “Pardon My Reich: Hitler’s Personal Waiters”. Now we return to “Forgotten Monarchs”.

Male voice: Queen Matilda the First assumed the throne at the age of 19. Within days of a coronation, the search for husband began with a tradition known as the march of the suitors.

[Cut to queen with her assistants.]

Assistant: My queen, men of both noble and common blood have come from far and wide to win your hand. Are you ready to greet your suitors?

Queen: Um, sure.

Assistant: The Queen says sure. [claps] And now let the march begin. First, oh dear, how uncomfortable my leash, presenting the Queen’s guy friend who’s in love with her, but she doesn’t like him in that way. Thomas of Sneed Lo.

[Thomas walks in]

Thomas: Wow, you look gorgeous

Queen: I told you Thomas. I don’t like you like that.

Thomas: At least tell me what I could change about myself for you to consider marrying me.

Queen: I mean, literally all of it.

Thomas: Okay, I can work with that. Hey, remember our inside joke? Strawberry food.

Queen: No. Thomas. Please just go.

Assistant: No. Next, oh, a commoner my leash. Presenting peasant boy Rafi Buckets and his dirty mother Josephine Buckets.

[Rafi Buckets and his mother walk in]

Josephine: Well, I will not tell you, miss. My son Rafi I know so much. He poor and dumb and filthy. But this idiot got a huge sausage. We figure it out when he wasn’t even born. Alright, the milk maker too. She’s seen it.

Milk Maker: It’s crazy, my lady. Thank you, my lady.

Josephine: Do you wanna take a peek? Drop your pants loose, boy. Show him.

Lady Eloise: Oh! Behold! The new king of England!

Queen: No. No. No. No. It takes more than that to win my heart. Farewell.

Lady Eloise: My grace. No one has more than that.

Assistant: Lady Eloise! Next from the Moroccan shores, presenting the mighty warrior Prince, Harwey, the conqueror.

[Prince Harwey walks in with Archanbald playing the drums]

Archanbald: All hail. Prince Harwey.

Prince Harwey: Your Majesty. As your king, I will spoil you with Rich’s, loyalty and of course, pleasure.

Archanbald: Prince Harwey, the great satisfier of women.

TawnieEgo: I’ll be damned. I’m sorry, your Highness. This isn’t a rich Prince. This is my dumbass husband, Dave. A two cans salesman with six kids.

Assistant: Shall I send them away my leash?

Queen: No. Let them say. I love the drama.

Ego: So, what’s up Dave? You got a seven year itch? So you’re joining the march of the damn suttas? Dressed up in a stupid ass BONE ARMOR and get your idiot best friend and bang a drum and call you mighty Prince Harwey?

Archanbald: Um, Prince Harwey?

Ego: Shut up, Archanbald. What the hell are you doing Dave?

Prince Harwey: Being stupid.

Ego: Yeah, being stupid. That’s all you have to say?

Prince Harwey: You look pretty.

Ego: Boy, shut up. We’re going home prince Who-Ha, great satisfier of women. This way. I’m gonna satisfy really.

Assistant: My leash. Next, presenting lady Tawnie of Milford Shile.

[Tawnie walks in]

Tawnie: Love. I noticed a long shot but I thought, “Hey, you know, this girl cute as hell, man.” I might as well just moss my lazy ass all down to the castle and see if she down to clown around.

Queen: I know I like boys. But whenever I have wine I always end up making out with my girlfriends.

Lady Eloise: She does. It’s a thing.

Queen: So, come to the world feasts tonight and we’ll see what happens. Yeah?

Tawnie: Well, this day just got nuts.

Male voice: When we return the story of Mad Queen Tawnie The Terrible

Man Park

Pete Davidson

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

James Austin Johnson

Aristotle Athari

[Starts with 1 sitting on a couch at his home]

Female voice: According to studies, many men say they have no close friendships. [2 walks in the door] And three and four report receiving all their emotional support from their wife or girlfriend. Often the moment they come home from work.

[Pete walks to Ego]

Pete: Hi, how are you? I miss you. Am I balding? Dune?

Ego: Okay, cool. Hi, honey.

Pete: Vin Diesel has a twin brother.

Ego: Oh, honey.

[Cut to Alex an Heidi]

Heidi: When I walk in the door, my husband sort of rockets information at me for 25 minutes straight.

[cut to Alex talking to Heidi]

Alex: On a football team there’s 11 players, but with rugby there’s 15.

Heidi: And all the words come out fast and in the wrong order, because he hasn’t spoken to anyone else that day.

Ego: [to Pete] I need you to go out of the house and make a friend so you talk to other people about this stuff. And not just me.

Pete: That’s insane. Where would I even go?

Female voice: Finally, there’s a place. With Man Park, it’s like a dog park but for guys in relationships, so they can make friends and have an outlet besides their girlfriends and wives.

[Pete walks to Alex in the park]

Pete: Rise and grind?

Alex: Rise and grind.

[they shake their hands]

Pete: [to other men] Rise and grind brother.

[Ego and Heidi looking at their husbands happily]

Ego: They’re networking.

Heidi: They’re doing so good.

Sarah: [to Chloe] Which one’s yours?

Chloe: He’s a little shy. [pointing at her husband. He’s hiding under the table.] Go say hi.

Female voice: It’s not their fault masculinity makes intimacy so hard.

Chloe: [whispering to Kyle] You got this.

[Kyle walks to other men]

Kyle: Marvel?

Alex: Marvel.
James: Marvel.

Kyle: Marvel?

Alex: Marvel.

James: Marvel.

[they start saying “Marvel” happily with each other.]

Female voice: We know not all men get along. So, there are separate parks for large breeds.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Female voice: And small breeds.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Female voice: There’s room for all their favorite male bonding activities.

Men singing: Coz I miss the bright side

Female voice: And after they run around and yell, they can cool down with an IPA and really connect real talk.

Andrew: Real talk. Who’s the GOAT?? Michael Jordan? OR Tom Brady?

Aristotle: How about Bo Burnham?

[Andrew drops his glass of beer]

Andrew: Will you be my best man?

Melissa: You’re not even engaged yet.

Ego: I’m so glad he has someone else to talk to.

Pete: Hey, hey, did you know Vin Diesel has a twin brother?

Alex: What? Amazing!

Ego: Why is that what they’re talking about?

Heidi: Men are taught that it’s weak to rely on each other. So, I guess in that way, and don’t quote me on this, It’s harder to be a man. Wait, no. Is this filming don’t show my face saying that.

Male voice: Man Park. Ladies get in free.

Jonathan Majors Monologue

Jonathan Majors

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Majors.

[Jonathan Majors walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jonathan Majors: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m excited to be here. It’s exciting. My name is 1. I’m in a new Netflix The Harder They Fall alongside Edris Elba. It was fun. It was fun filming that movie. But if you ever want to feel bad about how you look, definitely spend two months standing right next to Edris Elba.

Growing up, I’m a military brat. My father was in the Air Force. My mother’s a pastor. So. hallelujah. And I moved around a lot. I like to say I was born in California, raised in Texas, educated in North Carolina, roughed up in New York City and then re educated in New Haven, Connecticut. Which I guess is my roundabout way of saying yeah, I went to Yale.

It’s wild. It’s really wild to be here on this stage. When they told me I was gonna host SNL. I said that’s impossible. For real. I mean, it’s been crazy. It’s been a crazy journey. When I was 17, I was homeless, living in my car, working at Red Lobster and Olive Garden. But you know what? I learned from that experience. You know what I learned? That Red Lobster and Olive Garden are owned by the same parent company. So, you can work in both places with no problem. Side note, it’s crazy how many people got their start at Red Lobster. Both Nicki Minaj and Chris Rock worked there. Now I don’t know what they put in them Cheddar Bay Biscuits but it’s working.

Really, that experience it taught me a lot. It taught me that work hard, if you trust the plan, great things can happen. I’ve got a beautiful daughter. I’m gonna be in the next Marvel Ant-man movie. Or as the black community likes to call it, not Black Panther. And now I am indeed hosting Saturday Night Live. I remember the moment when the way of all that kind of hit me, it finally sank in, I was laying in bed looking at the ceiling and all of a sudden, I got this huge burst of energy, excitement, boom, schedule boy. Something big just happened. And it was okay that it was big. You know? You couldn’t let that bigness scare you and I thought back to this advice my grandpa always gave me. He’d say, “Grandson, everything’s big at first. But you walk up on it, you face it, pretty soon is so small you can put it in your pocket.” Which incidentally is the tagline for the next Ant-man movie.

Alright, look. We got a great show for you all tonight. Taylor Swift is in the house. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.