Weekend Update- Rudy Giuliani on Trump’s Election Lawsuits

Colin Jost

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Trump said he’s moving forward with legal challenges to vote counter cross the country. Here to comment is the man leading the chart, his personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani.

[Rudy Giuliani slides in] [cheers and applause]

Rudy Giuliani: Wow! Wow! Wow! Look at that. If it ain’t De Blasio and Dinkins. Hello.

Colin Jost: Hi. Yeah. I get it. Hi, Rudy. Thanks so much for being here.

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Good times. Did you see my press conference today? It was at the Four Seasons. Fancy.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It sounds fancy but it was at a landscaping company called Four Seasons. Was that a mistake?

Rudy Giuliani: What? No. Anyway, I’m glad I made it to the show on time because first I went to 30 rocks. That’s a granite quarry in new Rochelle. What a night.

Colin Jost: Okay. Rudy. So, the president said he will be mounting some legal challenges to a lot of the votes out there. What is your strategy to do that?

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen, man. I got tons of strategies, okay? First, we’re going to throw out bogus mail in ballots. Colin, these ballots, they could be coming from Mars.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. That is a real thing that you really did say.

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. So, we’re going to demand that we look at all the names. If the name is Meatthorpe Zandar and the address is Mars, we’re gonna get those ballots thrown out. Plus, we got no idea if they really are ballots. They might be tortillas. We’re going to eat them and see if they’re tortillas. If my butt blows after I eat it, you know that’s a tortillas.

Colin Jost: That sounds like a great process. Now, your team, they want to get more poll watchers in there to make sure they’re counting is happening correctly.

Rudy Giuliani: Exactly. We’re going to go in there. We’re going to get our poll watchers so close, we’re going to get this close. [Rudy Giuliani climbs on Colin Jost’s chair] See? This is legally close. Nuts on back, that’s where a poll watcher out to be.

Colin Jost: Why are they so hot? Aside from the count, what actual legal recourse do you have to challenge these results?

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen to this. In Michigan, we demanded a recount. In Wisconsin, we have demanded a de-count. We call back season in Nevada, we got safety in Arizona and in Georgia, opposite day. Plus, we’re going to demand that I do the recount personally and our silver bullet is, I can’t count very high. Also, we’re suing all the states we lost.

Colin Jost: You’re suing all the states? For what?

Rudy Giuliani: I don’t know. Child support? Man slaughter? I don’t know.

Colin Jost: Rudy. I gotta say. It just sounds like Trump got fewer votes which is what pollsters predicted.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay, okay. The pollsters were all lying. Pollsters get paid to lie to people. They’re always saying like, “Hey, baby. I’m cinnamon, but my real name is Britney. Shh. Don’t tell them I told you.” And then you find out her name ain’t Britney.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you talking about strippers?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. Strippers. Pollsters. What do you call them?

Colin Jost: Look. I know it’s hard for you to talk about this but you lost. So what is your plan– [Rudy Giuliani puts his head on the table] Rudy, what is your plan next just for yourself?

Rudy Giuliani: Listen to me. I will be fine. I always land on my feet up side down from the ceiling. I will move back to the city that made me. Hey, New York, daddy’s home. You miss me?

[he gets hit by a cabbage]

Oh, salad? It’s that famous New York lettuce. God, I love this town. Anyway, I gotta go. I’m off to the Peninsula.

Colin Jost: Oh, Peninsula, the hotel?

Rudy Giuliani: No. The Yucatan. You never saw me.

Colin Jost: Rugy Giuliani, everyone.

Rudy Giuliani: Taxi?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Biden Wins 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, I don’t know if anyone noticed or not but Joe Biden has been elected the 46th president of the United States. Yes, and this is what happen when people in New York heard that Donald Trump was defeated.

[cut to video clips of people in New York City celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat in the streets.] [cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And this is Trump’s home town. Can you imagine you get fired from your job, you go back home and everyone in your own house is like, “Boo. You suck.” But you know what they say. “Only in New York.” What’s that? Oh, it wasn’t only in New York? Oh.

[cut to video clips people in different US cities celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat in the streets.] [cut to London and Paris celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat.] [cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh my god! That’s real. Do you know how bad you have to be for Paris to ring church bells when you lose? They didn’t even do that for the real Hunchback’s funeral. The whole world is celebrating like World War II just ended. And I know this isn’t really the same as defeating the Nazis but it did end with a fascist leader hiding in a bunker.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump golfing underground.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump has reportedly said to allies that he will have to be dragged out of the White HOuse kicking and screaming. [Michael Che pulls out his glass of whiskey and takes a sip] Good. You know, ever since Biden won, everything I was worried about or mad about just sort of faded away. I mean the problem’s is still there but remember that “Shawshank” scene when the dudes are drinking beer on the roof. They were still in prison, but for one day, everything just felt okay? That’s how I feel now. And I’m so relieved because if Trump won, I thought there’d be a race war and Colin, you don’t know this but me and my friends were going to kidnap you. I rented a big old fridge and everything. It was a good plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Well, would I go in the fridge?

Michael Che: The box.

Colin Jost: By the way, I just want to point out how crazy it is that it’s already Saturday and the only candidate who’s conceded is Kanye West. It is never a good sign when Kanye accepts reality than you do. Trump has filed several lawsuits demanding recounts alleging voter fraud. I just want to point something out real quick. Remember in 2016 when he lost the popular vote to Hillary by 3 million? He blamed it on illegal immigrants sneaking in and voting? Well, this time he’s going to lose by 5 million votes which by his own logic means Trump let in 2 million more illegal immigrants and they all voted for Biden.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pro-Trump demonstration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, there’s been a few counter demonstrations in red states like Texas and Arkansas and I just want the white republicans to look on the bright side. You still got Joe Biden. I mean, he’s not the old white guy that you want, but he’s still wold white guy. Is it that different? You wanted Gordita crunch and  you got a Chalupa, big deal. What are you so afraid that Joe Biden is going to do? Free the slaves again? Hey, Colin, did you know my tie was a clip-on? I’ve been wanting to say that all year.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The aftermath now for Trump’s campaign is really funny to me because normally when you lose a campaign, you wonder what went wrong. Was my messaging on the economy off? But for Trump, it’s like, “Huh, maybe I shouldn’t have openly taunted the dead hero of the state I needed to win.” “Maybe I shouldn’t have gone Erie, Pennsylvania and said this of Erie, Pennsylvania.”

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Before the plague came in, I had it made. I wasn’t coming to Erie. I mean, I have to be honest. There was no way I was coming. I didn’t have to.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And personally, I also wouldn’t have sprayed my own supporters with covid at my rallies. But hey, that’s just me. The most important thing about Donald Trump losing this election is that pretty soon, we will never have to listen to Donald Trump again. We may want to listen sometimes for entertainment, just like we might want to slow down to get a better look at a burning car. But we don’t have to. Before Trump was president, no one ever cared what he said. No one was ever like, “I wonder what the least successful real estate developer in New York thinks about this?” And three months, Trump will just be another guy yelling conspiracy theories in the background. And then we can treat him like this reporter did today with a crazy dude behind him.

[Cut to a video clip of a reporter during live telecast. There is a guy behind him and he is talking to him.]

Reporter: How you doing, pal?

Guy: How are you doing, man? Is this a real news or fake news?

Reporter: Fuck off!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Uncle Ben

Alec Baldwin

Aunt Jemima… Maya Rudolph

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Uncle Ben… Kenan Thompson

Allstate guy… Dave Chappelle

Count Chocula… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Dave Chappelle in SNL stage speaking to the viewers]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, everybody. I hope you’re having good time at home watching the show. It has been a long hard time. I know a lot of people have lost their jobs and that this climate has unfortunately made a lot of black people lose their jobs. This next piece is about just that. It’s about two black people who’ve lost their jobs because of this new social climate we’re all trying to figure out. Sadly these two black people may never get those jobs back. Enjoy.

[Cut to a office meeting.]

Alec: I’m sorry. It’s just not working out. We have to let you go.

Aunt Jemima: But I’m aunt Jemima! [audience laughing] Who doesn’t love my pancakes?

Mikey: Everyone loves your pancakes, Aunt Jemima.

Alec: It’s you. You’re the problem.

Aunt Jemima: Me? What did I do?

Alec: It’s not what you did. It’s how you make us feel about what we did.

Aunt Jemima: But you can’t fire me. I’m a slave. That’s the only good thing about your job. The job security.

Alec: We understand that.

Aunt Jemima: No. You don’t understand. [sad music playing] All I ever did was my pancakes. And that’s why Aunt Jemima pancakes are the fluffiest, the butteriest, mouth watering pancakes on the shelves. The secret is I use my own breast milk. [winks]

Alec: Aunt Jemima, this is hard for us too. We love you.

Heidi: And thank you for breast feeding our children.

Aunt Jemima: It’s because I’m a woman. Isn’t it? What about uncle Ben?

Uncle Ben: Oh, dammit woman! Don’t you drag me into this mess.

Aunt Jemima: Look. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

Alec: Actually, uncle Ben, she’s right.

Heidi: Yes, we have to let you go too for the same reason.

Uncle Ben: But you can’t do this to me. I’m uncle Ben! I got so many nieces and nephews to take care of.

Mikey: You’ll be fine. Just do something else.

Uncle Ben: But all I know is rice. [sad music playing] White rice. Brown rice. Wild rice. Yellow rice. Four cheese. Basmati.

Alec: Look. It’s not personal uncle Ben. It’s just we have to clean house.

Uncle Ben: Come on, now. We know white people don’t clean their own house.

Aunt Jemima: Yeah. You talking slaves.

Uncle Ben: This is ridiculous. If we can’t work, how come the Allstate guy gets to work?

[Allstate guy stands]

Allstate guy: [bold voice] Now wait a cotton picking minute, uncle Ben. Oh, I knew you’d sell me out.

Uncle Ben: It ain’t personal, son. But if we’re getting fire, you should be getting fired too.

Aunt Jemima: Yeah. Fire Allstate guy too.

Allstate guy: Stop calling me Allstate guy. I have a name. It’s ‘Guy from Waiting to Exhale.’

Alec: Well, whatever your name is, you’re getting fired too.

Allstate guy: Man, I’m not even a food product. I sell security. My deep black voice makes white people feel safe. Like they’re in good hands.

Alec: That may be so. But you’re still black. And it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Allstate guy: Well, I’m a real person. There are mere characters. If anything, why don’t you fire Count Chocula. How come he’s still working, huh?

Count Chocula: What? But I’m not even black. I’m made of chocolate.

Allstate guy: Likely story. Let me tell you something. These streets are going to eat you alive, you chocolaty nigga!

Count Chocula: Don’t call me that.

Aunt Jemima: If he’s chocolate, then I’m chocolate too.

Uncle Ben: Yeah. I’m chocolate too.

Alec: I don’t care what you want to call yourselves. You’re all fired.

Count Chocula: No. But I’m actually chocolate. I’m not black at all.

Allstate guy: [banging the table] Riiculous. Another likely story. Look at them big chocolaty lips behind them fangs. Big old fat lips. Seriously, America. Look at Pete Davidson’s lips.

Count Chocula: Okay. Maybe I got some Italian in there somewhere.

Allstate guy: Some Italian? Then we’ll put you on some spaghetti you chocolate bitch.

Alec: Alright. That’s enough. You’re all fired except for Allstate guy.

Allstate guy: Thank you very much.

Uncle Ben: Alright. Fine. We’ll leave, but remember, you made a very big mistake.

Aunt Jemima: Um-hmm.

Take Me Back

Keith… Beck Bennett

Cara… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Keith knocking the door]

Keith: Cara, please. Cara, please open the door.

[Cara opens the door]

Cara: I couldn’t have been more clear with you on the phone. I’m done with you, Keith.

Keith: I know. I know. And you should be done with that Keith. That Keith didn’t deserve you. But this Keith, the Keith I am now, he does. I’ve changed, baby. Take me back.

Cara: You’ve changed? How, Keith? How have you changed?

Keith: I quit drinking. I haven’t touched a drop in a month.

Cara: Really?

Keith: Yeah. It was hard but I did it for you.

Cara: I’m glad.

Keith: And no more cocaine.

Cara: What?

Keith: I know. I never thought I could keep that nose blown either, but you gave me strength.

Cara: Sorry. You did coke?

Keith: Just to help keep me off the booze for a couple of years before that too. But those days behind me. No alcohol. No cocaine. No pills. I’m a new man.

Cara: God, Keith! Pills too?

Keith: Yeah. It’s that same old story. You know? Go to the doctor because you’re in pain and they give you these pills to help. But–

Cara: You got hooked.

Keith: Exactly. The next thing I know, I’m taking a fistfuls of Valtrex just to get out of bed in the morning.

Cara: Valtrex is for herpes, Keith. Do you have herpes?

Keith: The old Keith did. But this Keith? Nah. He is good.

Cara: That’s not how herpes works. God! Now I probably have it too.

Keith: Oh baby. You know if you have the kind I have. Plus I always used protection when we were together.

Cara: You never wore a condom.

Keith: But I always had a gun.

Cara: A gun? I’m glad you’re getting your life together but we’re through.

Keith: How can you say that, baby?

Cara: You just told me you have herpes.

Keith: Had. Past tense, baby. Past.

Cara: No. No, no, no, no. I don’t even know why you want to get back together. Half the time we were dating, you were romantically checked out.

Keith: I know. But that’s because, and this is hard for me to say but I had got a little too into porn.

Cara: Wow. That explains a lot.

Keith: Yeah. It’s addictive. I mean it seems harmless at first but then next thing you know, you’re shooting two or three scenes a day and there’s nothing left in the tank when you get home.

Cara: I’m sorry. You were doing porn? Like, having sex with women on the internet?

Keith: What? No. Never.

Cara: Thank god.

Keith: Never women. But baby all that’s behind me now. I’m not that stupid boy I was back then. I’ve grown. I’m a man. I’m Keith8 now.

Cara: You’re Keith8 now?

Keith: Yeah. I’ve changed.

Cara: No. How old were you when we started dating?

Keith: Old enough to know I messed up.

Cara: Oh my god. I’m going to jail.

Keith: Baby, don’t worry about that. Even if the cops found out, I wouldn’t say anything.

Cara: Good. Because–

Keith: [pulls out his gun] I’ll do the hardware do the talking.

Cara: Jesus! Keith! Put that thing away.

Keith: You sound like all those people in the playground. “Put that thing away.”

Cara: You took a gun out in the playground?

Keith: Gun? No. Never a gun.

Cara: What the hell is wrong with you?

Keith: People at the playground said that too.

Cara: Keith!

Keith: Alright. I’ll go. But first, there’s something I should have done a long time ago.

[Keith gets to his knees]

Cara: Oh my god!

[Keith presses the button that’s on his home arrest device]

Keith: I have to press that every hour so they know I’m still wearing it.

Cara: Why do you have that, Keith?

Keith: Because of what I took out of the playground.

Cara: Right.

Keith: It was my penis.

Cara: Yeah. I got that, Keith.

Keith: Look. I know I’m not perfect but you are. And I can’t live my life without you, baby. So, please, take me back.

[Keith and Cara are looking at each other. But then police cars come in.]

Oh, crap! Could you just hand on to this for me for like, a day or two? [handing over all the guns, pills and drugs that Keith has on him to Cara] Thanks. You never saw me, okay? I wasn’t here. Love you.

[Keith runs away]

Cara: He loves me.

Super Mario 35th Anniversary

Mike… Bowen Yang

Danica… Ego Nwodim

Jake Cook… Kyle Mooney

Josh Allen… Mikey Day

K.L. Fitzroy… Kenan Thompson

Raquel De Leon… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with video clips of Nintendo]

Female voice: 35 years ago, Nintendo released the first Super Mario Bros and made video game history and to celebrate this landmark anniversary, we ask fans, young and old, about their first Mario memories.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: I was only like, four or five when I first played my first Mario game but I was immediately hooked. Mario made me fall in love with video games.

[Cut to Danica Mann]

Danica: I remember getting the first sales report when the first Mario came out and my jaw dropped. We broke every industry record on the first day of sales.

[Cut to Josh Allen and Jake Cook]

Josh: Jake and I rode our bikes to Target to buy Mario 1 and we rode so fast.

Jake: We were like, passing cars like, “Move, people! We gotta play Mario!” Never peddled faster.

Josh: Yeah. Or maybe too fast because Jake caught major air off this little jump off and when he hit the ground, he missed the seat and landed with all his weight on to the cross bar and he demolished his nuts.

Jake: I didn’t demolish them.

Josh: Yeah, you did. They popped.

Jake: Popped? That’s not even– You’re the most random guy I’ve ver met. My first Mario memories are amazing. Remember?

Josh: Alright. For the record though, they definitely popped. Like, we heard them pop. Your eyes rolled back so they were all white and you screamed, “Popped! They popped!”

Jake: Okay. They popped. The point is Mario is an amazing game.

[Cut to K.L. Fitzroy. He is shocked by what he just heard.]

K.L.: I’m sorry. Forgive me. I’m at loss of words after that horrifying story about that man’s nuts. Maybe we should let the dust settle on that before I start talking about Mario.

[Cut to Raquel De Leon]

Raquel: I’m sorry. They heard them pop?

[Cut to Josh Allen and Jake Cook]

Josh: You remember the day you beat Mario 1?

Jake: Yeah. We were at my house or your house?

Josh: We were in the hospital. Jake was recovering from surgery to, I don’t know the medical term, but rebuild his nuts. But it was unsuccessful.

Jake: It wasn’t unsuccessful.

Josh: Yeah. Yeah, it was. They told Jake it was like, trying to put a watermelon back together after it was dropped off a 10 storey building.

Jake: Yeah. Back to Mario, though. Greatest of all time.

Josh: Yeah. It was the only thing that made him forget that they had to remove his nuts.

Jake: Alright. Stop talking about that.

[Cut to K.L. Fitzroy]

K.L.: Please change the order so that I don’t directly follow those two? I’m begging you. I mean, I can’t wax nostalgic about Mario one second after hearing about how that boy was neutered.

[Cut to Raquel De Leon]

Raquel: No, thank you.

[Cut to video clips of Mario Bros.]

Female voice: More Mario adventures followed but one shattered records and set a new standard for games. Super Mario Brother’s 3.

[Cut to Josh Allen and Jake Cook]

Josh: The day Mario 3 came out is burned into my memory.

Jake: Mario could fly. I was–

Josh: Back in the hospital.

Jake: Was I?

Josh: Yeah. You had emergency surgery. There was some sort of infection I guess and they had to remove everything from Jake’s groin and what was described to me at least as a sanding down of his pelvic area.

Jake: I don’t remember them saying sanding down.

Josh: No. They did. I walked into Jake’s recovery room with Mario 3 and he said–

Jake: It’s on!

Josh: No. You said, “Nothing’s down there anymore. I’m smooth like a barbie. I’m smooth like a barbie. I’m smooth like a barbie.”

Jake: What? Hey, where do you come up with these stuff?

Josh: You said it. We played Mario 3 non-stop.

Jake: We were Mario maniacs.

Josh: We played everyday. Except the days Jake had physical therapy to relearn how to pee.

Jake: It wasn’t a big deal.

Josh: No, it kind of was, though. Jake now pees through a small hole just below his belly button. [a made up picture of Jake on a toilet bowl laying horizontally appears on the screen] So, he has to lie horizontally faced down and basically plank the toilet.

Jake: How do you have a picture of that? Just out of curiosity.

Josh: Through it all though, Mario was there and he’s still here making us smile again and again.

Jake: Okay. So, where will all this air? Just so I know.

[Cut to K.L. Fitzroy]

K.L.: It was a simple request. I do not wish to follow those two. Go to hell.

[Cut to Nintendo message clip]

Female voice: Happy 35th anniversary, Mario! With you, the fun never pops! Ah! I mean stops. Sorry.

Hailstorm

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Rachel… Heidi Gardner

Jean… Kate McKinnon

Rudolph… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with News Center 5 Albany intro] [Cut to Ego and Alex at their news set]

Ego: Alright. Welcome back to Center 5 Albany. From the coronavirus to the red onion recall, there’s been a lot of difficult news this year.

Alex: And last night was no exception. When a sudden hailstorm hit the nearby town of Pebble Falls.

[Cut to

Ego: On any other day, Pebble Falls is a quaint town with the motto, “Come fro the ice cream, stay for the big Wooden Nickel”.

Alex: And never did citizens think their town would be the site of a freak once in a century natural event, a massive hailstorm that left them running for cover.

[Cut to Rachel, a local shopper]

Rachel: We’ve had crazy weather before but not like this. They were like golf balls.

[Cut to Jean, Wooden Nickel employee.]

Jean: The hail was coming down from the sky. It was like golf balls.

[Cut to Rudolph who works with Jean.]

Rudolph: And me, I found it to be similar to golf balls.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Wow. That sounds scary. So, what happened?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, I was driving and they started hitting my car.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I was closing up shop at the Wood Nickel which is the place where I work.

[Cut to Rudolph]

Rudolph: And I was helping her because I also work at the Nickel. And then all of a sudden, the skies open up hail out of nowhere.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Now, Jean and Rudolph, it sounds like you had a harrowing experience trying to get indoors.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Oh, that’s right. The hail was coming down so hard and we were grabbing on to each other. We could barely see anything.

[Cut to Rudolph]

Rudolph: And then finally we made it up to Jean’s porch and we looked at each other, and we were standing there and… we kissed. On the lips.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay. It sounds like an emotional day. What happened next with the hail?

[Cut to split screen with Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: Well, at that point, the rain had started. And the water level was rising in the streets.

Rudolph: And I remember talking to Jean and saying, “Jean, we kissed.”

Jean: And we sort of pulled away like… [shocked expression] And I was like, “Okay, that happened.”

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah. And hailstorm wise, at that point, Jean, water was going into your house. Were you scared?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Yes. Oh, my. I was terrified. We were holding each other for safety. And his hand wound up on my breast. And it was a friend’s hand. And then at some point, it became a lover’s hand.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah, okay. We are asking about the flood, though.

[Cut to split screen with Jean and Rudolph]

Rudolph: Okay. And then a rescue crew came and put blankets on us. And I thought, “I’m under blanket with Jean.” And then she turned around and then, well, that was kiss number two.

Jean: Yes. And I opened my mouth for this one.

Rudolph: You know, if I had a nickel for every time we kissed under that blanket, I would have about 45 cent.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay, yeah. Why don’t we turn back to Rachel. Rachel, how were you affected by the events of yesterday?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, my life was absolutely turned up side down.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay. Thank you. Say more.

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, you know, they were both my friends and now they’re kissing? Wow! I mean, I’m not sure how I feel about it but check back with me about that please.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah, we’re definitely not going to do that. So, Jean, Rudolph, can you give us an update on this aftermath? How are things now?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: We’ve been texting.

[Rudolph walks in]

Rudolph: A lot.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Oh, you’re together.

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: Oh, well, we’re not together. We haven’t have that conversation yet. It’s kind of hard to have that on television.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Yeah, Jean, we’re not asking you to.

[cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: But since you asked us to I guess, [Jean turns to Rudolph] I don’t know. What do you think?

Rudolph: Oh, what do you think?

Jean: Rudolph. Please.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Several people in your town are missing. Have you been a part of those search efforts?

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph. They’re looking into each other’s eyes.]

Jean: No. I’m done searching

Rudolph: Yes. We have found what we were looking for.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: And Rudolph, I understand your wife is missing?

Rudolph: Is that right?

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Yes. She is.

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Rudolph: Probably dead, though.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Okay. Thank you Rudolph and Jean. Two coworkers who found something more.

Ego: Don’t you try that with me.

[Ego and Alex start flirting. Then they lean to kiss.]

DC Morning

Lisa Anderson… Ego Nwodim

Howard Gayle… Dave Chappelle

[Starts with DC Morning intro] [Cut to Lisa Anderson and Howard Gayle in their set]

Lisa Anderson: Welcome back to DC Morning. Well, it’s the fourth day after the election and even though it’s been called for Joe Biden, there are still lingering questions. It’s frustrating, isn’t it, Howard?

Howard Gayle: It sure is, Lisa. Even though most experts say it’s over, the president’s still claiming fraud and threatening lawsuits all over the country.

Lisa Anderson: And you can feel the sense of desperation at the white house, can’t you?

Howard Gayle: Absolutely. Just remember, once Trump’s terms ends, he’s suddenly a private citizen with no immunity. And he will have to deal with tax fraud investigations from the southern district of New York and well as defamation lawsuit from a woman who claims that he assaulted her.

Lisa Anderson: Well, I mean we hope to have–

[Breaking News sound]

Howard Gayle: Oh, Lisa, I’m sorry to interrupt but there’s some breaking news. It seems the president suddenly left the White House and he’s on the highway. Let’s go to that footage right now live.

[Cut to a video clip of a car driving on a highway]

There’s the president leaving in what appears to be a white Ford Bronco.

Lisa Anderson: President Trump is in there?

Howard Gayle: It appears so. I’m told he’s crouching down in the backseat and Don Jr. is at the wheel. Oh no. Look at this. Looks like there’s at least a dozen police cars following close behind the president right now.

Lisa Anderson: Why don’t they just pull him over?

Howard Gayle: This is a volatile situation. If they spook the president, he could unleash an army of proud boys in flag waving trucks. He’s like Aquaman but instead of fish, he can summon the entire parking lot of a Cracker Barrel.

Lisa Anderson: I’m sorry to interrupt, Howard, but I’ve been told there was nineoneone call placed moments ago from inside the car. Let’s listen to that call.

Police officer: nineoneone, what are you reporting?

Don Jr.: This is Don Jr., I have the president in the car.

Donald Trump: Oh, give me the hamburger.

Police officer: Is everyone alright, sir? You sound frantic. Are you under the influence?

Don Jr.: This is not about me, okay? Right now, we’re okay. But you gotta tell the police to just back off. Tell them to stand down or dad officially starts the campaign for Howard Gayle0Howard Gayle4. My father has the announcement tweet ready to go, he just has to push one button.

Police officer: Alright sir. And what’s your name?

Don Jr.: This is Don. You know who the hell this is, goddammit!

[Cut back to Lisa Anderson and Howard Gayle]

Lisa Anderson: Wow. Wow. This has really taken a desperate turn for the president.

Howard Gayle: It sure has. It’s sad. And he hate to see it. For more than that. You’ll love to see it.

Lisa Anderson: When we come back, Melania Trump announces her plans to get her groove back.

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you all for being here. Pretty incredible day. You know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous. I should tell you that. You can’t tell but all inside. I was thinking about a person I never actually met but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather who apparently by all accounts was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was slave for 10 years of his life. And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children and he learned how to read. He got an MA with education and dedicated his life to three things. Education, freedom of black people and Jesus Christ. Became a juggernaut at AME church. There’s a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had. And I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now. And I wish he could see me. Because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host Saturday Night Live. Netflix started filming a show that bears his name. “Chappelle Show”. And HBO Max is streaming it. And I didn’t get paid for any of it. Yeah. If he could see me now, he probably would be like, “This nigga got bought and sold more than I have.”

This morning after the results came in, I got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.” And I said, “Well, that’s great. But America doesn’t.” Do you guys remember when life was like before covid? I do. Some mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank god for covid. Someone had to lock these murderous whites up and keep them in the house.

All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in small town in Ohio. And a lot of these small towns in America was dying. My town was dying. So, what I did was I did shows in my neighbor’s corn field. And these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town. Ain’t that something? And the local farmers, my neighbors started to complain that my show were too noisy. At a corn field! Too noisy at a corn field. I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in a corn field. It was so embarrassing. And I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough. They don’t know anything. They’re probably watching me right now. They’re probably at home like, “Hon, come quick. Come quick. The guy from the grocery store’s television.” No you big dummy. The guy from the television is at the grocery store. Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. Ever heard of that website, farmersonly.com? Website that begs the question ‘what kind of bitch only smashes with farmers’? That’s gross.

They had a whole Zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting I was just listening. Man, you should have heard them talk about me. They were saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children in bed. And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids were trying to sleep and all they hear is the N word..” I said, “Was I saying it or were you?” He had that twang in his voice. You know that twang when you hear that accent like, “Oh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.”

I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing mask. What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to Walmart too. Wear you Klan hood at Walmart so that we can all feel safe. State like Ohio for instance, right? People make more money from the stimulus checks than they do if they work. So, a lot of people don’t want to work. You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. [talking to an audience] You a black fellow. You young fellow though. You don’t know about Ronald Reagan. Remember Ronald Reagan used to say about black people, welfare people, drug addicts? Who does that sound like now? Stimulus checks, the heroin, and rest of the country is trying to move forward and these white niggas keep holding us back. Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s a it’s oppressive. Try wearing a mask I’ve been wearing all these years. I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it. You guys aren’t ready. You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. Black people were the only ones that know how to survive this. Whites, come, hurry, quick. Come get your nigga lessons. You need us. You need our eyes to save you from yourselves. Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together. It was just white people owning the club, dancing. You ever see that old footage? How did they look? [showing the dance move] You need some black guys to look at you like… [making weird face and shaking head no]

Now, Trump is gone. [cheers and applause] I know a lot of people don’t like him, but I thought that guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I was looking at it like, “Um, there’s bad people on both sides. Alright, just trying them out.” “Call the coronavirus the kung-fu.” I said, “You racist hilarious son of a bitch. I’m supposed to say that. Not you. That’s wrong when you say it. So, I went on a press conference one time. Donald Trump is a wild guy. You ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of coronavirus in front of the whole world. It’s a wild thing to do. “Uh, what about very powerful light directly in the body?” I said, “What? This man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane!” He went further. “Uh, put on some bleach. Bleach directly on your body.” “Oh, boy. Secret service is going to have to childproof the White House now. He’s trying to drink the bleach!” As president, “Don’t touch that stove. It’s hot. Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house, Mr. President.”

Scariest part about that. When a leading virologist in the world was sitting as close as you are to me and she just watched him say it. It’s crazy. Her face was looking like he might be right. She was like, [nodding head] “Umm.” I saw that. I said, “Ooh! That’s why… That’s why… That’s why women make half.” [audience laughing awkwardly] Did I trigger you? I don’t know what it is. Half? Maybe 70%. Whatever it is, it is too much. [audience laughing awkwardly] I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a ‘woke’ meeting in here.

And after all that, you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus. Wasn’t it something? When he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news but you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddy Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?” This guy was running around like an outbreak monkey. He looked like a 1970s penis raw dogging earth. They actually made fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen.” Which is a ridiculous thing. Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t bigger than anybody else’s mask, Mr. President.

Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good healthcare plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage. Helicopter picked him up. Right in his front yard, helicopter came. Remember that video where he’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one to be around. Usually he’s walking with couple of bunch of other people. No one’s around this time because he had the rona. Had his mask on then, didn’t he. We was walking. Helicopter took him to Walter Reede hospital. I’m from DC and I got to tell you. Walter Reede is not close to the White House. But you could walk. Team of doctors is waiting for him. Doctors came around. Gave me experimental medicine and stuff. Flew back home in helicopter and then he walked right up the steps. You ever seen his video? He took his mask off and saluted helicopter. And then walked right in the house, killed four more people. I said, “$700.50 in taxes goes a long way, doesn’t it, sir?” Some cold stuff, man. Some cold stuff. That would be like me going to a homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and say, “These is mine’s”, and then just start eating in front of all the homeless. [chewing] “Don’t let hunger dictate your life.” That was cold, man. Meanwhile, Chris Christie’s fat ass was in the ICU fighting for his life. Chris Christie got all the symptoms. Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that was in Chris Christie’s body. Fat, check. Asthma, check. Diabetes, check. Coronavirus like, “Ummm-ummm.”

Herman Cain’s black ass has been dead for two weeks. Where was his secret cerom? That’s your leader. Think about that. For four years. That’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man! And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but been a black a longtime, I’ve known this badder.

But if you’re a good white, you actually want to help, then join me. I’m not even joking. It’s my plan. It’s called the ‘Kindness Conspiracy’. Just random acts of kindness for black people. Do something nice for a black person just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. It’s very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. The same way all them years, they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black and they didn’t deserve it. If you’re driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on a corner selling crack, destroying his community, buy him an ice cream. Just buy him an ice cream. He’ll be suspicious but he’ll take it.

I would employ everybody who’s celebrating the day to remember it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago. Remember how bad that felt? Remember half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t, let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you I know how that feels. If you’re a police officer and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them, oh man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest fight through. You have to find a way to live your life. You have to find a way to forgive each other. You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that, come get these nigga lessons. Thank you very much and goodnight.

Biden Victory Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

John King… Alex Moffat

Joe Biden… Jim Carey

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Tump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with CNN Election Night intro] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer at his set]

Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to what has become election week in America. I’m Wolf Blitzer and I have been awake so long that my weird beard finally makes sense. I’m joined by John King who has been operating our touch screen for the past 85 hours.

[Cut to John King]

How are you John?

John King: Oh, I’m great, Wolf. Thanks. My fingers are knobs, but I think that’s normal. [John King shows his fingers. He has no fingers.]

Wolf Blitzer: And for the folks at home who’ve been obsessively watching cable news all week. We’ve been teasing a big announcement and today it’s finally here. CNN can now project that Joe Biden will be the next president president of the Unites States. [cheers and applause] I know I’m supposed to be a neutral news anchor but god dammit that feels good. Whoo!

[Wolf Blitzer and John King do high-five.]

We go now live to president elect Biden who is taking the stage in Wilmington, Delaware.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking to the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, America. We did it. Can you believe it? I honestly kind of can’t. It’s been so long since something good happened. Sure it took forever. We kept edging close and closer. It was like having sex with Sting. What a release, man! I’ve never felt so alive. Which is ironic because I’m not that alive. And look, as I’ve said many times, I don’t care whether you voted for me or not. I’m going to be president for all Americans. That’s right. Whether you’re from a liberal state like California, or a conservative state like Oklahoma, or a cracked out hot mess like Florida, I will be your president. And I will have an incredible VP at my side. Senator Kamala Harris.

[Kamala Harris walks in] [cheers and applause]

I said it right?

Kamala Harris: Yes. You got it, Joe. Thank you, everybody. Like Joe, I am humbled and honored to be the first female– [cheers and applause] Yes, the first female, the first black, [cheers and applause] the first Indian-American, [cheers and applause] and the first bi-racial vice president. And if any of that terrifies you, well I don’t give a font. Also, my husband will be the first second gentleman, and he’s Jewish. So, between us, we checked more boxes than a disqualified ballot. And to all the little black and brown girls watching right now, I just want to say this. The reason your mom is laughing so much tonight is because she’s drunk. And the reason she’s crying is because she’s drunk. Your mom is going to switch from laughing to crying to dancing pretty much all night. And it’s not because she’s crazy, it’s coz she’s drunk.
Joe Biden: Tonight, we’re not going to stand here and gloat.

Kamala Harris: Well, maybe–

Joe Biden: We’re not rubbing our victory in everybody’s face.

Kamala Harris: But like, just a tiny bit?

Joe Biden: We’re humbly accepting this victory.

Kamala Harris: Exactly, and I’m just going to play a quick song on my phone.

[Kamala Harris plays a song that says “You about to lose Donald Trump”. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris start dancing.] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright. Hold that dance for just a moment because people don’t just want to see Biden and Kamala happy, they also want to see Trump sad. So, let’s check in on the president’s concession speech which I’m sure will be gracious and factual.

[Cut to Donald Tump in the White House] [cheers and applause]

Donald Tump: Good evening. Thank you. Thank you for coming to watch my victory speech tonight. As anyone who died halfway through Tuesday knows, I was reelected president of the United States. But of course they’re trying to steal the election away from me. Come on, let’s hear it. Stop the count! Stop the count!

[Kellyanne Conway walks in and whispers on Donald Tump’s ear]

What’s that? I’m behind? Okay, then count all the votes! Count all the votes! Every last votes! But we all know this election was rigged. Just look at the map. There was no blue wave. It was a red wave across the whole country.

[Kellyanne Conway pulls in a map. The whole USA map is marked red but it’s for the covid-Wolf Blitzer9 cases.]

Show them the map, Kelly. See? So much red. So much red.

Kellyanne Conway: Oops! Sorry, this is the covid map.

Donald Tump: Okay, the map’s not important, okay? Put the map away! No one wants to see the map. Thank you, Kelly. The fact is I was winning on Tuesday. Then they started whittling it away my votes, whittling them down until there was only a wittle bit weft. But I vow to all my supporters, I will fight this thing to the bitter end. I will never give up and neither should you.

[Donald Tump walks towards a piano]

Hey. Let me remind all of you who I really am.

[music playing] [singing] Ae, ae, macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man
macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man

And this isn’t goodbye, America. I’m just going to say, see you in court!

[Cut to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Well, unlike President Trump, we do accept the results of this election.

Joe Biden: We’re not mad at them. We have to act graciously at victory though. We need to go forward together. Unfortunately, there are situations in life and this is one of them. Well, there must be a winner and … [mocking] llllllloser! lllooo… ser!!

Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and Donald Tump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Staten Island

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this year 47 million people will travel home to get home for thanksgiving. Here with his thoughts on going home for the holiday is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Hey, Colin. What up?

Colin Jost: Hello, Pete. Now, you and I are both from Staten Island. And, do you plan on going home for thanksgiving?

Pete Davidson: No. I don’t. [Cut to Pete Davidson] It’s not that I don’t love my family. I do. But, at this point, thanksgiving dinner is just a bunch of people asking me what Kate McKinnon is like. And I honestly don’t know. She never talks to me. Plus, I feel like my hometown doesn’t really like me either.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Why wouldn’t they like you? Everyone there is so nice.

Pete Davidson: Of course, you say that. You’re like the most popular person from there. This is how they write about Colin in our hometown newspaper, the Staten Island Advance. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Colin Jost tees up. It’s about three weeks ’til election, but you could never tell by Colin Jost’s swing.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And here is how they write about me. This is a review of a Weekend Update appearance I did. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “The best part about this one was his interaction with Colin Jost.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] No, seriously, it’s crazy. And look at the picture they use of you. [Cut to a picture of Colin Jost in a golf coarse.] Now look at the picture they use of me. [Cut to a picture of Pete Davidson drinking beer in a messy room.] [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Well, why do you think they don’t like you, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I have no idea. I mean, if I had to guess, it’s maybe something I said in an interview once, that I wished that when Hurricane Sandy hits Staten Island, it had ‘finished the job.’

Colin Jost: Yeah. I remember that one.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: You know, maybe I did cross the line. But when a reporter from Staten Island wrote about it in the post, here’s what he said, [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Keep talking like that and you will be sleeping with the fishes.” [Cut to Pete Davidson] That’s a death threat. In a newspaper! Who does that? What are you? The zodiac? And then he said … [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Try taking a cue from your fellow ‘SNL’ cast member Colin Jost. He’s also way better looking than you.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I can see how what you said might make you more unpopular.

Pete Davidson: Well, it was just a joke. A serious joke. You know, like, when you are joking but you mean it? [Cut to Pete Davidson] But I don’t even feel that way anymore. I would be just as happy if there was no hurricane and Staten Island just fell into the sea.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. [Colin Jost and Pete Davidson laughing] Take it easy.

Pete Davidson: No, seriously though. [Cut to Pete Davidson] No, if Staten Island– [Michael Che laughing hard] If Staten Island is so desirable, then why is it free to get there? And, no, don’t get me wrong. I know Staten Island isn’t all heroin and racist cops. You know? It also has meth and racist firefighters.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] [Michael Che laughing hard]

Colin Jost: I just want to say, what you’re describing is not the Staten Island I know, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, coz they love you. You know? Like, you represent what they could be. You know, a kid who got out, he went to Harvard and is now apparently according to ‘People Magazine’ is the world’s sexiest joke writer. [Cut to People Magazine’s Colin Jost page.] [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And look, the reason that Staten Island hates me is because I represent what they are. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You know. A mentally ill community college dropout who got a ‘Game of Thrones’ tattoo before watching the show. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost. Colin Jost is laughing hard.] Dire-wolves look dope! I don’t even know what’s going on. But hey, congrats on that sexiest thing by the way. [audience whooping] [to audience] Relax, okay? Let’s be honest, the sexiest joke writer is a really specific category. Yeah. It’s like being the world’s smartest horse. [Michael Che laughing hard]

Colin Jost: So, I take you’re not going home for thanksgiving?

Pete Davidson: No, I am.

[Everyone laughing]

Colin Jost: Okay. Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: What did I say?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!