Tag: episode 6

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There is a picture of Dennis Rodman and Kenneth Bae at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dennis Rodman is claiming that a letter he sent to his friend Kim Jong Un helped free American aid-worker Kenneth Bae from a North Korean prison. The letter read simply, “Bae- Free Bae. Love, Bae.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of broken satellite at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The European space agency said that the landing of a space craft on a comet this week was rougher than they initially thought with the pro bouncing twice before landing. “Only twice?” said the [Picture changes to Spirit Airlines] Spirit Airlines.

[Picture changes to radioshack]

Radioshack announced that it will open for Black Friday sales at 8 am on thanksgiving day. Great news for fans of radioshack’s most popular item, directions to Bestbuy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush spent the week teasing each other on social media with Clinton asking how Bush isn’t on twitter yet and Bush asking how Clinton wasn’t on Instagram. [Picture changes to Jimmy Carter] All while Jimmy Carter once against spent his week plowing through tinder.

[Picture changes to a marijuana leaves]

As more states have voted to legalize marijuana, many employers still have a zero-tolerance policy for firing workers that used the drug. This according to a letter I got from Lorne.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Buddy Valastro at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Buddy Valastro, the star of the reality show “Cake Boss” was arrested in Manhattan on charges of drunk driving and allegedly told officers, “You can’t arrest me. I’m the Cake Boss.” Which might have worked if those officers were cakes.

[Picture changes to Bill De Blasio and Ebola virus]

At a press conference this week, New York city mayor Bill De Blasio said the doctor diagnosed with Ebola is now cured. Adding “the New York city is Ebola Free”. We’ll see about that said Time Square Elmos.

[Picture changes to a theme park.]

A theme park in England has banned all single people from entering the park to protect children from possible pedophiles. So, let this be a lesson to all you pedophiles out there, start working in teams.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New Jersey map.]

Michael Che: It’s a good advice. Police in New Jersey are searching for an African gray parrot that was stolen from a local zoo. Of course, New Jersian African Gray Parrot is just a pegion in a dashiki.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che at their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of USA and China’s flags at right top corner.]

This week, China and US reached a historic agreement to cut carbon emissions. [Picture changes to ISIS flag] The leader of ISIS may have been killed in an airstrike. [Cut to a satellite in space] And a space craft landed on a comet 300 million miles away. [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian’s picture on magazine’s front page.] But that ass though. The cover for latest issue of Paper magazine featuring a naked pictures of Kim Kardashian was viewed online more than 16 million people. So, thank you Kim, I can now find porn just by googling the word paper.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Getting back to real news, the Michael Che0Colin Jost5 Obamacare open enrollment period began today. And president Obama urged Americans to spread the word and check their insurance options on healthcare.gov. Except they can’t because [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian’s picture on front page of a magazine again] someone broke the internet. Okay, I promise, that was the last one.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: But that ass though. Damn!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of leaders taking oath.]

Colin Jost: This week, president Obama traveled to Asia to meet with leaders from China, Russia and Japan to deal with some pretty tough questions, like, [Cut to a picture of Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama and Xi Jinping wearing same outfit.] who wore it best?

[Picture changes to ISIS coin]

On Thursday, ISIS announced plans to issue its own currency which will be independent of the currency of western economies but will still be accepted in more places than [Picture chances to Discover card.] Discover.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US and China flag.]

Michael Che: The US and China signed a historic agreement to cut green house gases by the year Michael Che030. [Picture changes to a polar bear] “Sooner”, screamed this polar bear.

The Dudleys

Mrs. Dudley… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Dudley… Beck Bennett

Another Mr. Dudley… Woody Harrelson

Jacquees Dudley… Kenan Thompson

Crazy Eyes… Uzo Aduba

[Starts with a an introduction to a TV show, showing a mom, dad and their daughters]

Male voice: What do you get when you take one working mom, add a fragile staying home dad, and mix in their two goofy girls? Fridays at 9, it’s America’s favorite new fall comedy, “The Dudleys!” They are family, but they are also out of control.

[Cut to Mrs. Dudley walking in]

Mrs. Dudley: Hmm, I smell a pot roast.

[Cut to daughters sitting on a couch and the husband talking from the kitchen]

Mr. Dudley: You sure do, and I used my favorite recipe. Take out.

[Cut to Mrs. Dudley pointing at Mr. Dudley and laughing]

Male voice: But we have received the complaints about the show. You tweeted, “It’s Mr. Dudley0Mrs. DudleyJacquees Dudley. Why can’t any of The Dudleys be gay?” Well, we heard you loud and clear. And that’s why we’ve made Mr.s Dudley another Mr. Dudley.

[Cut to another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: So, I smell pot roast and it smells D-to the-lish.

Male voice: But then you tweeted, “Why the new Mr. Dudley such a stereotype?” Well, we heard you loud and clear. So, we dialed it down.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: I smell food. Cool.

Male voice: “But now, Mr. Dudley sounds like a straight robot.” So, we dialed back up to gay five.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: Ooh! My gay nose smells pot roast.

Male voice: Perfect! “But it’s Mr. Dudley0Mrs. DudleyJacquees Dudley, why do both Mr. Dudleys have to be white?” That’s why, stay at home dad, Ron Dudley is not Jacquees dudley.

[Cut to Jacquees Dudley and Another Mr. Dudley sitting on a sofa]

Jacquees Dudley: Honey, how was court today?

Another Mr. Dudley: Let’s just say I played defense.

Jacquees Dudley: There’s that funny guy I married.

[Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley hug]

Male voice: “Hugging? Why can’t a gay couple show a real intimacy on TV?” We heard you loud and clear.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley on the sofa]

Another Mr. Dudley: Let’s just say, I played defense.

Jacquees Dudley: There’s the funny guy I married.

[The lights change and a romantic music starts playing. Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley start touching each other.

Male voice: Fantastic. But then you had complains about the daughters.

[Cut to Daisy Dudley walking in in a ballet dancer costume.]

Daisy Dudley: Daddies, I’m gonna be late for my ballet residual.

Male voice: You tweeted, “Oh, cuz if you’re a girl, you have to like ballet?” That’s why, instead little Daisy Dudley in now a staff Sargent in the United States Marine Core.

[Cut to Daisy Dudley walking in in a marine uniform.]

Daisy Dudley: Daddies, I’m gonna be late for Afghanistan.

Male voice: And what about little Dora Dudley? “Why can’t she be crazy eyes from ‘Orange is the New Black?’ We like that character.” Roger that.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley sitting on a sofa]

Another Mr. Dudley: Dora, it’s time for bed.

[Crazy Eyes comes in]

Crazy Eyes: Anything for you, Daddy. [Crazy Eyes starts licking Another Mr. Dudley’s cheeks]

Male voice: There you have it. Thanks to your tweets and emails, we made The Dudley family for everyone. Or so we thought… Because then we started getting your letters. Like, actual paper mails. And those complains were very different. You said, “Where did the whites go?” “Too many fruit loops!!!!” “There aren’t my Dudleys. Ps. Repeal Obamacare.” That’s why, Fridays at 8, the original Dudleys are back. Because we always hear all of you loud and clear.

Old New York

Bobby Moynihan, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam, Woody Harrelson

[Starts with four men having a drink]

Bobby: I’m telling you, boys, this city has changed for the worst.

Kenan: It’s unbelievable. I can’t tell you the last time I had a decent slice of pizza here.

Taran: Yeah, forget about it. Remember, Mod Nelly’s on 9th. Best sauce in the city, hands down.

Bobby: Oh, hands down.

Kenan: And now, it’s replaced by a damn dog spa. I men, what the hell is that?

Taran: I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a crime and a shame. Ay, let me ask you this. When was the last time you had a good knish?

Kenan: Couldn’t tell ya.

Bobby: Yeah, you know, you can’t find a decent knish in the city but I’ll tell you, you can get a friggin froyo every 13 feet.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Yeah, remember the crack?

[audience laughing]

Kenan: What?

Woody: Crack. I mean, have you had it lately? It’s awful.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Like, smoking crack?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: I mean, that’s if you gonna even find it. But like you said, there’s friggin froyo everywhere. You know?

Kenan: You know what I miss?

Woody: Crack?

Kenan: No. New York city hotdogs.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Kenan: Real dogs. Bright red with a good snap. Spicy mustard!

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Um-hmm.

Taran: There used to be a good hotdog cart on every corner. But now, it’s all just Korean barbecue and tacos.

Bobby: Yeah, when did New York city become the friggin taco capital of the world.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Man, you can clearly like taste the difference, let alone the high is kind of twitchy.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: What high?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: The crack high. It tasted better, lasted longer and cost less. It’s almost like they know would you settle for any crack.

Kenan: Ay man, what the hell you talking about?

Woody: I’m saying what you guys are saying. That the city has changed.

Kenan: Well, no, you’re not.

Woody: Yeah, you said the pizza thing. And then you’re talking about the knishes and who I can’t remember said something about crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: You! You brought up crack. Again. We don’t smoke crack.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: And I don’t blame you. It’s not as good.

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Alright buddy, just stop bringing it up.

Woody: Alright, jeez. [Cut to Kenan and Woody] I mean, we’re all talking. It’s a free country.

Kenan: I miss the respect. Kids used to have respect in this city.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Absolutely, but not anymore. Now, every time I get on the subway, I see some punk sitting down and some old lady standing up.

Taran: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Not to mention that the price to ride the subway is just insane.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Tell me about it. It’s like where do you even find crack at this time a day?

Kenan: Hey, man. We warned you.

Woody: I mean on a subway for what they charging us to ride a damn thing, you think they give us just a little crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: We don’t smoke crack. Okay? Will you just get lost, man?

Taran: Please!

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Oh! I see what this is. I mean, you guys just want to talk to each other. I guess I’m intruding and maybe I should go.

Kenan: Yeah. [00:Woody0:Kenan6]

[Cut to everybody]

Bobby: Yeah, that would be great.

Woody: Very well, then. Good day gentlemen. But before I go, I have to say you’re all under arrest.

Taran: For what?

[Cut to Woody]

Woody: For possession of crack, cocaine. Now, put your drugs on the table.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: We don’t have any crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Wait, is that a vote for native button?

[Cut to Woody showing an election badge.]

Woody: Worth a shot. Good night guys.

[Cut to Bobby, Kenan and Taran]

Bobby: Uh, what a weirdo.

Taran: Yeah, I do miss the meth though.

Bobby: Oh! So much.

Kenan: Oh, meth was my favorite.

[cheers and applause]

New Marijuana Policy

Taran Killam

Pete Davidson

Hippie… Woody Harrelson

[Starts with clip of New York city.]

Male voice: We’re gonna talk about a change in the NYPD’s marijuana enforcement policy. None necessary arrest from minor marijuana–

[Cut to Taran Killam in his news set]

Taran Killam: If caught in public with up to 25 grams of marijuana, you will not be charged or arrested. [Cut to Pete watching the news] But receive what basically comes down to, a slap on the wrist. Truly historic. We go for now to Jake Fugazaki with sports.

[Cut to Pete recalling the news]

Taran Killam: 25 grams, in public, you will not be arrested.

[Pete take a small bag of  marijuana and goes out. He looks around, others are getting out as well. They are showing their marijuana bags to each other.]

[Cut to a car that runs over a sidewalk. A woman gets out of the car, the car is filled with smoke.]

[Cut to a hippie walking out to the street with his bong.]

Hippie: [screaming] Free. At last!

[Cut toe everybody walking in the street being very happy.]

[Cut to a woman walking with a baby stroller. She takes a small bag of marijuana out and shows it to Pete.]

[Cut to Pete smiling at the woman]

[Cut to everybody walking. They stop in front of two police officers.]

[Pete shows a bag of marijuana to the police officers. The police smiles and puts down his hat.]

[Everyone is jumping and celebrating.]

[The policemen join them too.]

[Pete takes a roll out and almost lights it.]

Police: Hey, hey, hey, hey! You can’t smoke that out here.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: But, the new law?

[Cut to the policeman]

Police: Yeah, you can have it. But it’s still illegal to smoke in public. I’ll have to arrest.

[Cut to everybody]

Pete: Oh!

Everybody: [disappointed] Oh!

[Cut to everybody getting disappointed]

[Cut to Pete inside his house]

Pete: Maybe, we have the power to change things. We can organize. Persuade law makers to– [music on TV] Oh! Sweet! Rugrats is on.

[Cut to the clip of New York city. Smoke is coming out of every building.]

Match’d

Jerry Tremain… Woody Harrelson

Deseray… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

[Starts with MTV video intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV, your DVR must be empty. Next up, it’s Match’d!

[Cut to Match’d show set.]

Jerry: Hello everyone, I’m your host Jerry Tremain and welcome to Match’d where one lucky girl gets to choose from these three guys.

[Cut to the guys]

[Cut to Jerry and

Today’s girl is Deseray. Deseray, why don’t you tell us about yourself?

Deseray: I’m horny as hell and here to fix that.

Jerry: Well, that’s one way to start. Let’s get right to it then. Deseray, what’s your first question?\

Deseray: Guy number one, I’m a nasty girl. What would you do to impress me.

Beck: Well, I’m a waiter. So, I know food. I would take you back to my house and show you my special ingredient. My penis.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Ooh! Sounds ya! Okay, guy number two.

Kyle: Well, I’m also a waiter. But I might as well be a roller coaster, coz I’ll give you the ride of your life and make you scream, from head to butt.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: I like that stuff. Guy number three?

Taran: I’m a waiter as well. But my thing’s about the library. We would go there and check out my doomy decimal system.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Those are some pretty sexual answers, guys.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: Well, as far as I know, I’m the horniest guy I know, Jerry.

Kyle: And I’m even hornier, Jerry.

Taran: I’m so horny Jerry, I’m about to explode.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, well take this opportunity to learn a little bit more about Deseray. She is from Saint Louis, Messieurs.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: Oh, yeah!

Taran: I’m horny.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: She’s 18 years old.

[Cut to the guys]

Kyle: That’s so hot right now.

Beck: Yeah!

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: And she’s my daughter.

[Cut to the guys. They are silent.]

[audience laughing]

Kyle: What’s up?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, should we continue? Deseray.

Deseray: Okay, guy number one, just a second ago, you said you were the horniest guy you know.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: No, ma’am. That’s not what I said.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: What’s the best way to turn you on?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Well, first, I would make sure you were fully clothed because I believe a girl’s– when she’s fully clothed, that’s when she’s the most sexy, sir. And then I would ask to meet your mother so that I could check the hand of the woman who brought you into this world.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Can’t shake hand to the ghost. Guy number two. What’s your idea of a sexy date?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Well, sir, I just want to start off by saying thank you for having me on your show, sir. That’s why I’m merely here after all. To learn about the game show industry and it all comes to together, sir. Like, were you always a game show host, sir?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: No, before this, I was active duty marine for 25 years. Now, answer the question.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yes, sir. On our date, I would take Deseray to a war memorial, sir. Because it’s important to reflect on our fallen heroes. Especially since it was just Veterous day.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Veterous day?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yes, sir. Veterous day, the day we celebrate our veterous.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Are you saying veterous?

Deseray: Okay, guy number three. You were told to bring me a fun little gift.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Pass!

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: No, you can’t pass. Show it to me in front of my dad

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh! Okay, I brought you panties … which belonged to my great grandmother. And I wanted you to have them because I believe in family, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Your grandmother owned crotch-less panties?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh, sir, that hole is just because they’re very old, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Oh, yes. Guy number one, we had you write me a sexy poem before the show. Can I hear it now?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Would it be possible for me to make some revisions first, ma’am?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Just read it.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [reading the poem] Roses are red, my balls are blue

why don’t you bend over, so I can see inside you

And so to clarify, my intention was to look all the way up inside her to her beautiful brain.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: That’s physically impossible.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Yes, sir. Good feedback. Might I add, you’re doing a great job of keeping this moving.

[reminder sound]

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, that sound means it’s part of the show called “The Moment Alone” where I go back stage and give you four a moment alone. See you in a bit.

[Cut to everybody. Jerry leaves the set.]

[Cut to the guys]

Taran: Well, is that for real? He’s gone?

[Cut to Deseray]

Deseray: Yeah!

[Cut to the guys]

Taran: Okay, I’m so horny for you. I’m the horniest guy here.

Beck: Not true, because I’m horny for you in front and back. Yes, please.

Kyle: I’m horny but a gentleman. And since you’re a lady, you can go down on me first.

[Cut to everybody. Jerry walks back in.]

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Alright everyone. How was your moment alone?

[Cut to the guys]

Kyle: Excellent sir. We mostly just let your daughter talk and we listened, sir. She is truly special, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: I agree. Okay, it’s time for a commercial break. When we return, we’ll all watch footage from their moment alone. We’ll be right back with more “Match’d”.

Last Call with Woody Harrelson

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Chip Fister… Woody Harrelson

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth. There are two customers.]

Bartender: Okay, last call, you two. Order now before I turn on the lights and you really see what’s going on with yourselves.

Chip Fister: Bartender, [Cut to Chip Fister] I have a legal speed ball that’s red bull and ambien.

[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: And I’ll take a tequila and condensed milk, please. I’m meeting a friend here tonight, Mr. Al K. Hal. [laughing]

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Chip Fister: Ah! I see there’s still one dried up old leaf that hasn’t dropped off the tree yet.

[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Why don’t you wreck me up in a pile and jump on top of me before you bag me and leave me on the curb for someone else to deal with, huh?

[Cut to Chip Fister]

Chip Fister: Sounds like a job for my leaf blower. Eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows.

[Cut to Bartender looking at Chip Fister disgusted.]

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Hey, is this stool taken? Coz, the one I’m sitting on’s got a nail that’s giving my butt meat the what for.

Chip Fister: Screw it on over. I don’t bite. My poligrip won’t allow it.

[Sheila Sauvage moves near Chip Fister]

Sheila Sauvage: I noticed you over here coz you’re so breathing.

Chip Fister: And I noticed you coz you’re vertical and you have a pepperoni on your neck.

Sheila Sauvage: Then it worked.

[Sheila Sauvage takes the pepperoni out of her neck and eats it.]

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Okay, let’s wrap it up. Moonlight come and me wanna go home.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage. Sheila Sauvage puts her hand on Chip Fister’s shoulder.]

Sheila Sauvage: Hey, they call me Sheila Sauvage. They being the people who hold bathroom key at White Castle. What’s your mommy yell when she wants you to come home for dinner, huh?

Chip Fister: Chip. Chip Fister. Which is weird because I work as Lays as a chip shifter. I pick out the gross ones.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: You sure do.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Chip Fister: What do you do for a living?

Sheila Sauvage: Oh, me? I replaster unpopular glory holes.

Chip Fister: I think I’ve seen your work.

[Bartender giving them drinks]

Bartender: Alright, alright. Here you go, name and nut. I put them into go cups coz you need to go.

Chip Fister: Wow. I’ve been looking at you all night. You were, uhhh [gesturing average] But now I’m thinking, yeww.

Sheila Sauvage: And you? You had me at when you didn’t leave with the others.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Could you two hurry this up? I gotta get up at the dawn.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Alright. You heard the man. Let’s speed this mama up and take the express train to Penetracia.

Chip Fister: As long as you don’t mind taking a detour through STDetroit.

[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage start touching each other’s faces]

Sheila Sauvage: Are you feeling what I’m feeling?

Chip Fister: You’re feel it’s an impulse to rech, then yes, but I’m willing to ignore it.

Sheila Sauvage: Wait, hang on. Hang on. Apparently there’s a lot of nasty stuff going around since the CDC.

Chip Fister: And who knows better than the sinner for doing it correctly?

[Sheila Sauvage takes plastic wrap out]

Sheila Sauvage: We need to use protection. Bar keep, I’m gonna borrow a square foot of your cling wrap if that’s okay.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: But that’s not my front.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Alright.

[Sheila Sauvage covers her face with plastic wrap paper and kisses Chip Fister]

[Cut to Bartender looking at them shockingly.]

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kissing with the plastic on.]

Chip Fister: Oh, oh! Hey! Let’s==

Sheila Sauvage: That was unstrordinary.

Chip Fister: I think I dejaculated.

Sheila Sauvage: You know what, buster? We’re gonna live on the edge here. Come on.

[Sheila Sauvage puts the plastic wrap on again]

Chip Fister: Yeah! Hey, let’s break the seal on this deal.

[Chip Fister makes a hole on the plastic]

Sheila Sauvage: I’ve been breached.

[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kiss without the plastic wrap]

[Bartender is putting kerosine everywhere]

Bartender: Well, I gotta kill us all, I guess.

[cheers and applause]

Football Halftime Speech

Coach… Woody Harrelson

Taran Killam

Crandle… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with video clip of a football game]

Male voice: At the end of the first half, it’s Garrison 28 and Newton, 21.

[Cut to Newton’s locker room]

Coach: Get in here guys. Now, take a seat. We can win this. Where’s the defense? You all can’t tackle anybody.

Taran: It’s just, coach, it’s harder to tackle with the new rules.

[Cut to the coach.]

Coach: Oh, the new league wide concussion rules. That’s your excuse? Do we need to go over this again? [Cut to everybody] Okay. Fine. Crandle, come on. Get up here.

[Crandle walks in front]

[Cut to coach and Crandle]

Now, what is so hard about this? It’s the same tackle you fellas have always done. It’s just a little safer on the nugget. You see a man, right? That’s your target. Okay. So, we wanna plaque, arch that back, shoulders over feet guys, then engage. [coach holds Crandle. Crandle is feeling uncomfortable.] That brings him up. Then as he goes down, you cup the neck open up and down supporting him and lower him gently to the turf like a prince putting his princess to bed. Back of the head–

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Put your princess to bed.

Coach: Good! Now, as he’s going down, we’re gonna want to check handle them. Cran, are you feeling supported?

Crandle: I feel safe, coach.

Coach: Okay, good. Now that he’s on the ground, you assess his cognitive awareness. Does everybody have their pen lights?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yes, sir!

Coach: Okay. Check their eyes. Remember, if the pupils dilate…

Everybody: You did great!

Coach: Okay. Now, can we do that?

Everybody: Yeah!

Coach: Can you do it?

Everybody: Yes.

Coach: Can you do it cautiously without intent to harm?

Everybody: Yeah!

Coach: Alright, then. And to help, I’ve brought special guest to you. He’s the greatest player to ever come out of Newton High. Please say hello to nine times Pittsburgh steeler, Mr. DC Timmon.

[Mr. DC Timmon walks in. The players are excited.]

Mr. DC Timmon: Alright. Ae, okay. I’m looking around, and I don’t know if y’all really wanna win tonight. Here’s what I’m saying. Forget the new rules. In my day, we never had these rules. You go out there, hit hard. Coz, that’s football. I never had these rules. Because you can forget them really. So, you out there, and you never had these rules, never! And never did! Coz, that’s football. I never football. Never!

[Cut to Mr. DC Timmon showing his hand]

You see this? I got four rings, baby. Four!

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: You’re not wearing any rings.

Mr. DC Timmon: Who said something about some rings? Just leave. One day. This one’s for all of my bros. This is Superbowl. Go out there and never football. Coz, you are all prep members of the New York city jazz, yeah!

[Mr. DC Timmon walks to a door]

Coach: Hey, DC, that’s a closet.

Mr. DC Timmon: Hey, man, I know what it is.

Coach: Yeah, you see? You understand the importance of these new rules? Okay, now I got more good news. We got brand new helmets provided for you by the people.

[A guy brings in the helmets. The helmets are too large for heads.]

You look great. You look great. Okay. Get them on three, one, two, three.

Everybody: Get them.

Coach: One, two, three.

Everybody: Get them.

Coach: Now remember, somebody’s tired out there.

[players trying to run with over sized helmets but can’t go out the door.]

Campfire Song

Christi… Venessa Bayer

Don… Kyle Mooney

Todd… Woody Harrelson

Eva… Leslie Jones

Randy… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with five friends enjoying camp fire.]

Christi: Such a brisk fall evening. I’m so glad I brought all these Chanel throws.

Don: Me too. This camp fire is so cozy. You build a good fire, Todd.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Oh, thanks. I just got lucky.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: You know what this reminds me of? Back when we used to hang out.

Randy: Oh, yeah, it does.

[Cut to everybody]

Todd: Hey, you know what would be great right now? Some camp fire songs.

[Todd brings out a guitar]

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Oh, yeah. Let’s sing. That sounds fun. Hey, do you know ‘Michael, row your boat ashore’?

Todd: Oh, no. Not really. No. Oh, I know– Maybe, you guys would like this old chestnut. Just join in once you recognize it.

[Todd starts playing guitar and singing]

Apples, apples
apples are a fruit from a tree

Come on, don’t be shy.

Apples, apples
you and me get apples tonight.

You guys still know this?

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: I don’t think so.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Apples, apples,
gather your apples, you’re the cat of the walk

You really don’t know this?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: No.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You do. You have to.

Apples, apples,
the look in her eyes says everything.

Little louder, guys.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: None of us know this.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Yeah, but you will. Okay, here comes the bridge.

Apples, apples,
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying.
in the usual way, in the usual way

Come on, you know this part. [Cut to everybody] it just keeps repeating.

In the usual way

Go, Christi.

[Cut to Christi]

Christi: In the usual way.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s not right. You do it Don.

[Cut to Christi and Don looking shocked.]

Don: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s wrong. Okay, come on everybody. You know you will get it.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Bad job Eva. You try Randy.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, you’re not getting it. Let’s just go back to the chorus.

Apples, apples,
in the blink of an eye, you’re larger than life.

[Cut to everybody]

Randy: Todd! Stop it. [Cut to Eva and Randy] None of us know this song, for real.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yeah, Todd, we don’t know what you’re playing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Well, I do. I guess you don’t like it so. Watch this.

[Todd throws the guitar into the lake. The water splashes on Christi and Don]

Randy: Todd, that was unreasonable.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Todd, that was your only possession.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: I still got my pick.

[Todd throws the pick to the lake too. The same amount of water splashes on Christi and Don.]

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: Guys, this has gone too far. We gotta tell him. We gotta tell him.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Tell me what?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: We were kidding around, Todd. Of course we know the song. You sing it like every time we get together.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: Yeah. We were just gonna join in in the last verse.

Eva: But you went crazy before we got there.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Here. You know what? I’ll play it.

[Cut to everybody. Christi takes her guitar out.]

Todd: Come on! You have your own guitar?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yes, I do. Alright, let’s sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Apples, apples

Come on, Todd! Sing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, I’m mad and my guitar’s gone and my pick.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: You did that, Todd. Not us.

[Cut to everybody]

Christi: Now, come on everybody.

Everybody: Apples, apples
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying
in the usual way

Christi: Come on, Todd!

[Cut to Todd. He is angry but he’s nodding his head on the song.]

[Todd joins the song]

Don: There he is.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: In the usual way,
in the usual way

[Todd starts dancing]

[cheers and applause]

A Drink at The White House Cold Open

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Mitch McConnell… Taran Killam

Michelle Obama… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a clip of White House.]

Male voice: Last week, republicans won decisively in the midterm elections. In a gesture of good will, President Obama offered to have a glass of Kentucky bourbon with future Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. This evening, that drink took place.

[Cut to Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell having a drink]

[cheers and applause]

Barack Obama: Senator, thanks for coming.

Mitch McConnell: My pleasure.

Barack Obama: Here’s to you and republicans on the victory.

Mitch McConnell: Well, thank you. Thank you. You know, I think that this election had a clear message.

Barack Obama: Yes, it did. Folks want us together.

Mitch McConnell: [interrupting] The people rejected you.

Barack Obama: Okay, good start.

[Three drinks in]

Mitch McConnell: We ask you not to move on immigration without us and the first thing you do is say you’re gonna move the first thing.

Barack Obama: Okay, so you telling me that republicans are gonna pass an immigration bill? That’s your first– what do you first ask? A bill for immigration?

Mitch McConnell: Absolutely, yes. It is a huge priority.

Barack Obama: Really?

Mitch McConnell: Definitely.

[Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell both laugh]

Barack Obama: Okay, okay. Now, we’re having fun.

[Four drinks in]

[They are laughing. Mitch McConnell is calling someone.]

Barack Obama: Did she pick up yet?

Mitch McConnell: Hold on! [speaking on the phone making different voice] Yes, Mrs. Hillary Clinton. This is publisher’s clearing house. I want you to know you’ve won an all expense paid trip to ‘get whooped in Mitch McConnell0Barack Obama6’.

[Mitch McConnell hangs up the phone]

[Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell are laughing]

Barack Obama: Did she know it was us?

Mitch McConnell: She had no idea. And even if she did, she do not in front of congress.

[phone ringing]

[Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell scream terrified]

[Six drinks in]

[Barack Obama is eating chips]

Mitch McConnell: You’re black.

Barack Obama: I am half black, yes.

Mitch McConnell: And you are the president of the United States. That’s crazy. I mean, you ever think about that? A black US president with this country’s history? No one would have thought that.

Barack Obama: No one would have every thought that the senate majority leader would be a redneck who looks like he lots his lips in a fight.

Mitch McConnell: No! Okay, I may have deserved that. I can’t dance like you.

[Seven drinks in]

Barack Obama: You guys are so mean to me.

Mitch McConnell: Stop it.

Barack Obama: I mean, you are. You hate me. You know what Malia said the other day?

Mitch McConnell: What?

Barack Obama: She said, “Daddy, that man who ran across the White House lawn wanted to kill you. Was that Mitch McConnell?”

Mitch McConnell: She did not!

Barack Obama: She did.

Mitch McConnell: Oh! I don’t want that. Now you mad me cry!

[Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell are crying]

[Nine drinks in]

[Barack Obama has a medal on his head]

Barack Obama: I could sure use a smoke right now.

[Michelle Obama walks in]

Michelle Obama: Barack, it’s Barack ObamaBarack Obama o’clock.

Barack Obama: Michelle, we’re just finishing up.

Michelle Obama: Is that the Presidential Medal of Freedom on your head?

Barack Obama: I was just showing the senator. Michelle, you look great tonight.

Michelle Obama: Don’t! We have to fly to China early tomorrow morning.

[Michelle Obama leaves]

Mitch McConnell: [teasing Barack Obama] Ooh, you’re in trouble.

Barack Obama: In the doory house baby. You know what? So, I guess there’s nothing getting done in next two years, huh?

Mitch McConnell: Not a damn thing.

Barack Obama: Well, you know what? That’s great! But we can do this together.

Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!