Tag: episode 7

Weekend Update- Thriller’s 40th Anniversary, Police Bust Super Cartel

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jerry Jones at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is under fire over a picture of him from Colin Jost957 where he looks on as black students are stopped from entering his school. Okay, so maybe Jerry Jones was a racist back then. But tell me this. Would a racist on a team full of the strongest black men he could buy to work on his field? No, right? The answer is no.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of volcano eruption at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hawaii’s Mauna Loa, the world’s largest active volcano began erupting for the first time since 1984. Also erupting for the first time since 1984, your aunt watching Yellowstone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Jackson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week marks the 40th anniversary of the classic Michael Jackson albums Thrill. And say what you will about Michael Jackson, but he definitely had a huge effect on a lot of people’s childhoods. I don’t know what you guys like anymore.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of World Health Organization logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The World Health Organization is changing the name of monkey pox to M pox due to concerns that the original could be considered racist, which I didn’t even really think was an issue. But now I’m just wondering what’s the N and N-95?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a vocabulary of word ‘gaslighting’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Merriam Webster announced that its word of the year is gaslighting . Gaslighting, if you don’t know is the word my ex made up to magically win arguments that she was losing.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says ‘Police break up cocaine super cartel’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Law enforcement departments in six European countries arrested nearly 50 drug traffickers who were running a cocaine super cartel. And you know what made the cartel really super? Friendship.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Police officer delivers 5th baby in 9 years’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A police officer in New York State is being called the baby whisperer after he helped deliver his fifth baby in nine years. “Only five babies and nine years?” said Nick Cannon.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Woman gives birth in McDonald’s” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Okay, there you are, okay. A woman in Atlanta gave birth to her baby in a McDonald’s. So caution! Wet floor.

Weekend Update- Peppa Pig Fan Club President on the Show’s Gay Characters

Michael Che

Trish Dale… Sarah Shermon

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was announced that kids cartoon Peppa Pig will introduce the same sex polar bear couple to its cast of characters. Here to talk about it is very upset president of the Peppa Pig fan club, Trish Dale.

Trish Dale: Hi Michael, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Yes, I understand you’re pretty upset about this new addition to the show.

Trish Dale: Michael, I’m more than upset. I’m mad as H-E-single C-single K.

Michael Che: Wow, you spell it out. You spell out ‘heck’. Okay.

Trish Dale: Michael, you may think I’m overreacting. But parents who love Peppa Pig should get to choose what kind of thing their kids see.

Michael Che: Well, what are the characters like?

Trish Dale:  Well, it’s a polar bear girl with two daddies and one’s a doctor and one stays home and make spaghetti.

Michael Che: Well I think that actually sounds kind of cute.

Trish Dale: Yeah, it is. It is cute. Until they anally enter each other.

Michael Che: What?

Trish Dale: Come on, Michael. Sure, in the first episode, they make spaghetti. But you know, as soon as those plates are cleared, they’re anally entering each other. And one is a doctor so he knows just where it goes.

Michael Che: Trish, I don’t think that’s going to happen on the show.

Trish Dale: Oh, I know. They’re do something innocent like teach Peppa howto ride a bike.

Michael Che: Well, that’s nice.

Trish Dale: And then once Peppa has the hang of it, they’ll say, “You got this girl,” and then they go behind the bush and they’ll anally enter each other.

Michael Che: Trish, I think the show is just reflecting that gay people exist and that it’s just a part of life.

Trish Dale: It’s not a part of life. It hurts.

Michael Che: What does?

Trish Dale: I tried it. To find out if it hurts. And it hurts. And they’re polar bears so you know it’s like this big. Imagine that in you.

Michael Che: Trish, I think you need to calm down.

Trish Dale: I can’t. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried meditation, poppers and stickers. And there’s another episode where…

Michael Che: Trish please.

Trish Dale: And there’s another episode where Peppa is having trouble with her homework. So the bigger polar bear, the more masculine one says, “Hey, let’s go upstairs and get our calculator.” But then they never come back. And you want to know why? Do you want to know what they were doing up there, Michael?

Michael Che: Anally entering each other?

Trish Dale: Showering.

Michael Che: Oh, okay.

Trish Dale: To get ready to anally enter each other because of the whole process.

Michael Che: How do you know that?

Trish Dale: I googled it. I spent all day googling all this stuff because it’s sick.

Michael Che: Well then, don’t let your kids watch.

Trish Dale:  I don’t have kids… anymore.

Michael Che: Anymore?

Trish Dale: They grew up. And I don’t know where they are.

Michael Che: Trish, this is all in your head. The show will never show any of that.

Trish Dale: And that’s why I animated my own. so everyone can see exactly what I’m talking about.

Michael Che: Oh, the big one is the bottom. That’s good.

Trish Dale: Michael, that’s the twist.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, I hate to interrupt.

Trish Dale: Who are you?

Colin Jost: It’s okay. I actually watched the show and it’s two polar bear mommies, not two daddies.

Trish Dale: What? What is that? Now I have to google that?

Michael Che: No, no. It’s like… [whispering on Trish Dale’s ear]

Trish Dale: Oh. So it’s just mashing and mushing. Oh, that’s fine. I’ve done that. I’ll take your papers.

Michael Che: Trish Dale, everybody.

Trish Dale: I love you.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Michael Longfellow on Being a Child of Divorce During the Holidays

Colin Jost

Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s the holiday season which can be especially tough for children of divorce. Here to comment is child of divorce, Michael Longfellow.

Michael Longfellow: Happy Holidays, everyone. Happy Holidays, Colin.

Colin Jost: Happy Holidays, Michael. So your parents are divorced. Was that hard for you?

Michael Longfellow: No. I was a tiny little baby. I have no memory of them ever being together. To be honest, until I got older, I wasn’t even sure if they knew each other. I remember one time a kid on the playground told me, “You know your parents had sex to have you?” And I was like, “Well, I don’t think they’ve met. So that’s stupid.”

Colin Jost: Oh, sure you were aware at some point they’d met right?

Michael Longfellow: I wasn’t, and don’t call me Shirley. Snakes on a Plane?

Colin Jost: It’s not Snakes on a Plane. Okay. All right. Obviously, the holidays must have been more difficult with divorced parents.

Michael Longfellow: I disagree. There are perks to having parents that are always getting married and you know divorced and married again. You ever asked for a brother for Christmas and actually get one? I have. And I don’t have to wait for him to grow up. He came off the shelf ready to go. We were playing catch that day.

Colin Jost: Wow, that must have been nice.

Michael Longfellow: Must have it. It was.I’m sorry. And brothers aren’t the only thing divorce has given me. It’s given me sisters, moms, dads, and all of different genres. Like you have my real dad, who’s very strict and quiet and wear suits. And then you have my newest dad Terry, who’s a semi nudist. I’ve seen naked 43 times.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Michael Longfellow: And I’ll tell you this, Colin, when you see your mom’s boyfriend naked, you think a lot of things, but you don’t think it’s gonna happen 42 more times.

Colin Jost: Well, at least hope he has a nice body.

Michael Longfellow: Why?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t know. Nevermind. So, are you saying you then pro divorce?

Michael Longfellow: Well, my dad is a divorce attorney. So put food on my table.

Colin Jost: Wait, so your father is a divorce attorney who’s also been divorced?

Michael Longfellow: Multiple times. I mean, this guy walks the walk. Is he a bad husband or a workaholic? Man as an artist. He’s out in the field getting his hands dirty. But he was still a great dad. Like, he told me everything a kid should know. Brush your teeth, do your homework. If infidelity can’t be proven, they’re only entitled to 30%. And it’s not easy to prove in a court of law. Text messages are not enough.

Michael Che: Hmm, it’s good to know.

Colin Jost: So it sounds then that your dad enjoys his work.

Michael Longfellow: Oh, absolutely. In fact, he met his current wife because he handled her divorce. Some would say that’s a conflict of interest, but I just say he’s got that dog in him.

Colin Jost: Michael Longfellow, everyone.

Michael Longfellow: And don’t call me Shirley.

Weekend Update- Kanye West Praises Hitler, Biden Averts Rail Strike

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Alex Jones and Kanye West at left top corner.]

You guys are not gonna believe this. But Alex Jones and Kanye West got together this week. And it didn’t go great. Kanye West made anti semitic jokes and said “I like Hitler,” which is also the password he used to get into Mar-a-Lago. At this point, I don’t think Kanye is off his meds so much as he’s immune to them. We’re basically dealing with the Omicron variant of Kanye. We thought he fade away but now we realize we may have to live with a brain fog of long haul Kanye. What I don’t understand about this Kanye stuff is if Jews do control the media, then how are we still seeing a new interview with Kanye every day? Also, if Jews control the media, explain the 80 foot Christmas tree outside of NBC.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden signed a measure that would force railway workers to accept the deal that averts a strike but does not include paid sick leave. Why do you expect Biden to care about sick leave when he shows up to work every day with full blown CTE?

[picture changes to the capitol building]

The Senate passed the Respect for Marriage Act which solidifies federal protections for interracial marriages. Okay, but if I marry a white lady who’s gonna protect me from my mother?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Georgia Senate run off set records for early voting. Herschel Walker has always encouraged his supporters to take care of voting early before it becomes a problem.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Colin. President Biden has recommended that South Carolina become the first state to vote in the Democratic primaries to give black voters more of a voice in selecting the 2024 candidate. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump also plans to give black voters a voice with this puppet.

[picture changes to Donald Trump holding a puppet]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Iowa state at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There’s growing support to move the first democratic primary from Iowa to South Carolina, but why would you just move it to another boring state? You know, start the primaries with a bang in Florida. Right? Instead of watching a politician eat a corndog at the Iowa State Fair, imagine Pete Buttigieg smoking meth shirtless at Gator lands as he battles for the state’s key demographic ‘grandmas under 30’. Right? You know, at the end of the day, Florida may not give us FDR or JFK, but it will definitely give us HPV.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stewart Rhodes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Federal jury has found Oathkeepers leader Stewart Rhodes guilty of seditious conspiracy for his actions on January 6. Rhodes plans to appeal the verdict because he feels the trial like his vision was very one sided.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Questions are being raised about Vladimir Putin’s health after he fell down the stairs at his home and soiled himself. Questions like “Is there a video?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an iPhone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An apple factory in China is expected to cut production of iPhones by 6 million in response to ongoing worker protests. The workers main demand is more playtime. I’m shocked too, guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reached a settlement in their divorce, and I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that she may be had an easier time finding a good lawyer.

Ultrasound

Doctor… Cecily Strong

Keke Palmer

Doctor: How are you feeling?

Keke: You know what they say? The 12 month of pregnancy is always hardest.

Doctor: Well, okay. We just want to do one last ultrasound to make sure the twins are in the right position.

Keke: Sounds good, doctor. Hit me with the cold as jelly.

Doctor: Okay. Let’s take a look here. Oh, there they are. It’s your beautiful babies.

Keke: Oh my god. I’m crying. Look at how cute they are. Okay, y’all. That image is crisp. I’d watch Super Bowl on that thing.

Doctor: Oh, looks like they’re kicking. Okay, now would you say this is a typical amount of movement?

Keke: Well I did have three monster energy drinks this morning.

Doctor: Okay, well that’s not recommended. But it does explain the breakdancing.

Keke: Come on now. Get it.

Doctor: Does that hurt?

Keke: Well, I mean that’s what you get when your sperm donor was one of the Jabberwockeez.

Doctor: Excuse me. What?

Keke: Yeah, the sperm bank had like “I believe those athletes and then just the full bond of Jabberwocky.”

Doctor: Okay, well, just for future reference, you’re gonna want to watch your caffeine intake.

Keke: Uh-huh. And no smoking right?

Doctor: Yeah, no, that’s a big time no, no.

Keke: Okay, respect. But what if the baby’s a smoking?

Doctor: Wait what?

[The babies in the ultrasound are smoking]

Keke: Yeah. My bad, my bad. This thing is like an exhaust pipe lately. [there’s smoke coming out of Keke’s vagina] Slow down, y’all. Slow down.  You’re gonna drown mama out.

Doctor: But why are they smoking cigarettes?

Keke: Because it let’s go. Now, doctor, medically speaking, what are they doing with the umbilical cord?

Doctor: Well, medically speaking they appear to be jumping ropes.

Keke: Sorry, I’ve been craving Flaming Hot Cheetos lately. Damn, these things are hot.

Doctor: Yeah, I can see that. [There’s fire in ultrasound screen. The babies are using fire extinguisher.] Well, you might want to take it easy on the spicy foods.

Keke: You know, doc, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get pregnant. But then I lost two IUDs in a row and I just took it as a sign. You know?

Doctor: Well, I think I found them.

[The babies in ultrasound are playing with IUDs.]

[door knocking]

Oh, come in.

Delivery guy: Hi, I have a seamless delivery filet o fish.

Doctor: I think you have the wrong room sir. Nobody here ordered McDonald’s.

Keke: Wait, wait. I think the babies did.

[The babies in ultrasound are showing their order in their phone.]

Doctor: What? they have a phone?

Keke: Yeah. I’m not one of those parents who’s going to limit screen time like a loser. [tiny hands pop out of Keke’s clothes] Oh, looks like they’re hungry.

Delivery guy: Oh, what the hell?

Keke: What are you waiting for? Get kids a fish. Okay, here you go. Alright. Love you, babies. Oh, don’t forget your tip, bro. Come on. There you go. [Tiny hands pull out $1 bill]

Delivery guy: No, I’m good.

Keke: Aww, look at how happy they are.

[Ultra sound showing babies eating]

Man, they really chewing them up, aren’t they?

[the babies burp loudly]

Oh, excuse you.

Doctor: Well. I have to say, I don’t think baby should be eating filet of fish sandwiches in the womb. Wait a second. Where are they? Where did they go? Oh my God. [Doctor uses the ultrasound kit on her womb. The babies are there.] Nooo!

Kenan & Kelly

[Starts with Kenan being interviewed]

Man: So how did this all come about?

Kenan narrating: It all happens so fast.

[Cut to one week ago. Keke Palmer visits Kenan]

Keke: Oh, Kenan Thompson, the legend.

Kenan: Keke, you having fun?

Keke: Yes, I’m working with my idols.

Kenan: Oh, stop it.

Keke: No, no, seriously, man, I grew up watching you as a kid. I’ve always wanted to work with you. I’ve actually got an idea for this project. I’d love to talk to you about later if that’s cool.

Kenan: Absolutely. Anything with Keke Palmer’s name on it, I’m there no questions asked.

Keke: For real? Because I got this idea for reboot.

Kenan: A reboot? Of what?

[cut to Kenan and Kelly show intro with Kenan Thompson and Keke Palmer as Kelly]

[Cut to Kenan at interview]

Kenan narrating: I should have asked questions. I thought it was gonna be a Jordan Peele produce streaming series. I want to say yes to Kenan & Kel. But now it’s just Kelly.

Keke narrating: I had already sold the show before I even met Kennan. I told the producers we wrote it together.

[Cut to Kenan and Kelly show]

Kelly: Ha-ha. With this place in the shake on kin, because of me, Rigby now sells fresh sushi.

Kenan: Yeah, maybe too fresh.

Mikey: Kelly. I think that salmon you caught might be a Parana. [a fish is biting Mikey’s hand]

Kelly: Oh-oh, here comes the bus.

Kenan narrating: Kel’s famous catchphrase was “Oh, here it goes.” Keke decided to say “Oh, here comes the bus.” But there were no bus.

[Cut to Kenan and Kelly show]

Kenan: Come on, Kelly. You can’t keep taking orange sodas.

Kelly: Just put it on my tab. I’m good for it.

Kenan: Okay. [pulls out a really long list of Kelly’s list] $5,000 with the orange sodas Kelly?

Kelly: Don’t yell at me. Because guess what? I’m pregnant with your child.

Kenan narrating: Keke was gunning for an Emmy Award. So she wanted really dramatic moments in it. And I thought that won’t work. And I was right.

[Cut to Kenan and Kelly show]

Mikey: Hey, Kelly, did you fix the Shush-O machine?

Kelly: Yeah. Good as new. Try out, Kenan.

Kenan: Don’t mind if I do. I’ve been craving a delicious Slush-O for weeks now. [smoke’s coming out of the machine] That seems odd. [the juice pours all over Kenan] No! Kelly, why would you tell me it is fixed. You are such an…

Kelly: What? An idiot? Go ahead. Say it. It ain’t like I haven’t heard it before. My mama used to get drunk every day and call me idiot. That’s what it’s like growing up in Iraq. Sometimes the bottle’s only your friend. My uncle told her to blame me for my daddy leaving. Me! How are you gonna blame a little girl for that man being a coward? How? Oh-oh, here comes the bus.

Kenan narrating: Well, we discarded and I think we have a tone issue. But people seem excited about it, I guess.

[Cut to backstage]

Devon: Hey Kenan.

Kenan: Hey Devin. Good job on the song man.

Devon: Thank you man. I can do other stuff too though. Check this out. [Devon acting like Kel] Welcome to get back home and again Barry Buchanan take your order. I’m a dude. He’s a dude. She’s a dude. Because we’re all dudes. Ay. Stuff like that.

Kenan: Well thank you Devin.

Devon: Of course.

Kenan: But I think we already found someone.

[Cut to Kenan and Kelly show. Kel walks in.]

Kel: Hey, everybody.

All: Kel!

Kel: Oh man, I missed you.

Kenan: Oh man, I missed you too.

[Kenan and Kel open their arms. Kel runs with his open arms, but reaches for soda fridge.]

Kel: Oh, who love orange soda? Kel loves orange soda. Oh sweet baby.

Kenan: Kel, it’s been so long man. What’s you been up to?

[James walks in wearing all black]

James: Hands up, everybody. This is a robbery. Give me all the money in the register.

Kel: Oh, no, you’re not still gonna dime, Mr. Robber. Kenan, you’ve been wondering where I’ve been at right? I’ve been learning the art of karate. Going for this Kel, fool!

[Kel jumps at James. James shoots at Kel.]

Kel: Ah!

Kenan: No.

Kelly: Kel! Oh, don’t die on me.

Kenan: Don’t go into the light.

Kelly: My baby needs his father. You heard that right, Kenan? Kel’s the father. I slept with him just to hurt you. Why do I hurt the ones I love the most? Oh-oh, here comes the bus.

Kel: Ah, here it goes.

[Kel dies]

Kenan: Noooooo!

Kenan narrating: The show is not good. But Jordan Peele called us.

Devon: He wants us to do a sequel to Nope.

Keke Palmer Monologue

Keke Palmer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Keke Palmer.

[Keke Palmer walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Keke Palmer: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here in New York. It’s Christmas time. The tree is lit. And most importantly, it’s Sagittarius season. And that’s lit for me because I’m a Sagittarius moon, honey. Yes, I’m very into astrology. And I know a lot of bros out there are gonna say astrology is not real. And to that, I say how’s that crypto going?

Honestly, guys, this has been an awesome year for me. I was in Jordan Peele Nope. And I was nominated for an Academy Award. It’s not true, but it’s not lying if I’m manifesting.

That’s one of those things you just learn to do in this business. Manifest, honey. I’ve been acting since I was nine years old. My first big role was in a movie I did called ‘Akeelah and the Bee’. It was such a great experience. I had so much fun, except for when I got yelled at by Laurence Fishburne. No, for real, for real. We’re doing a dramatic scene. And I just started laughing at his ass. But God, I had a good reason. Just imagine. I’m a little kid watching the 40 year old man cry to me about winning a National Spelling Bee. It was hysterical. But when I started laughing, he read me for field. It was like “No, you can’t do this. This is not what will actors do.” And my mama she went off on him. Y’all go she is so Chicago. She started screaming, “I don’t care if you was in the Matrix.”

It was good times. And I honestly do appreciate that he did that. I mean, even though it was intense. I mean, he taught me how to be a professional in real time. And I’m taking lessons from everyone I’ve worked with. Aziz Ansari recently gave me some good advice on being SNL. He was like “Keke, just get up on stage. You’re funny. You’re funnier than me. And I’m Aziz.” He didn’t exactly say that, but that’s what I heard. Delusional queen.

I’m especially glad to be here though, because there’s some rumor going around. People have been in my comments saying “Keke’s having a baby. Keke’s pregnant.” And I want to set the record straight. [She opens her coat’s button. She has a pregnant belly.] I am.

[cheers and applause]

I gotta say though, it is bad when people on it it spread rumors about y’all. But it’s even worse when they’re correct. I mean, I was trying so hard to keep it on a down low because I got a lot of stuff going on. People come up to me, “Congratulations.” I’m like, “Shh, can you all stop? I got a liquor sponsorship on the line.” Let the check clear, then we can get to the damn baby shower.

But honestly, this has been the biggest blessing. And I’m so excited guys. I’m going to be a mom. Even though some people feel a little weird about me having a baby because I was a child actor. I just want to say, look, I’m 29, I’m grown. Okay? I have sex. I own a home. I stormed the Capitol on January 6. You know, things that dogs do. I’m kidding.

Y’all know I’m the same person I always been. And I’m proud of it. Matter of fact, when I first got into comedy, and I dreamed to standing on this stage, I asked myself, “Keke, who you be? Will you be like a Maya Rudolph, Eddie Murphy, Kristen Wiig type?” And now that I’m here, I can tell you exactly who I am. Baby, I’m Keke Palmer.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. SZA is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Herschel Walker Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… James Austin Johnson

John Cornyn… Mikey Day

Marsha Blackburn… Cecily Strong

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

[starts with Mitch McConnell, John Cornyn and Marsha Blackburn having a meeting]

Mitch McConnell: Well Senator, Republicans face an uphill battle on Tuesday.

John Cornyn: I know. Obama was just in Georgia campaigning for the other guy.

Marsha Blackburn: Did you see it? It was like a comedy central roast up there.

Mitch McConnell: I figured guy could use some help. Send him in. Herschel Walker!

[Herschel Walker walks in]

Herschel Walker: Hey there. Mitch McDonald’s. I’m sorry I’m late. I was having too much fun in a free merry go round y’all got out front.

Mitch: That’s a revolving door, Herschel. Have a seat.

John Cornyn: Great job on your campaign. Hershel.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes, excellent.

Mitch McConnell: You remember, former majority whip Senator John Cornyn?

Herschel Walker: No.

Mitch McConnell: Of course, Marsha Blackburn. senator from Tennessee.

Herschel Walker: Oh, Your Highness.

Mkey: Well, Herschel, the midterms wasn’t the red wave we hoped for but we think you can win this Tuesday.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes. The priority now is to get out the vote because you got this big runoff coming up.

Herschel Walker: Oh, well, I’m good at those. My ex wife said all I do is run off.

John Cornyn: No, Herschel, the Georgia run off. The polls show it’s very close.

Herschel Walker: Oh, how close?

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, so close, Herschel. Warnock is polling at 50.9%. You are polling at 49.1.

Herschel Walker: Well, then the first priority is to figure out which number is bigger.

Mitch McConnell: Well, the election is this Tuesday, they’ve already started counting votes by mail.

Herschel Walker: Right. But you gotta remember, they still got to count votes by female.

John Cornyn: Sure, but we wanted to talk to you because this runoff is really important, Herschel. We could really use a win right now.

Herschel Walker: Well, you can count on me. I came to two S and kicked bubble gum, and I’m all out a gubble bum.

Mitch McConnell: There’s already three days left. We want to be really careful. And you’ve had some scandals already. Is there anything else we should know in the final stretch?

Herschel Walker: What do you mean?

Marsha Blackburn: Like bad things from your past that maybe people don’t know yet?

Herschel Walker: Oh, yes, definitely. Yes. So many.

Marsha Blackburn: Well, I hate to ask, but can you tell us some of them?

Herschel Walker: Let me see, where do I start? Okay, so there’s this pretty lady that works at the McDonald’s. Right? So I went down there… [the clock’s shows one hour has passed] Anyway, she didn’t want to keep it so I drove it down to the planned Parent Trap.

Marsha Blackburn: Wow, that’s a lot.

Mitch McConnell: I’m gonna be honest. For sure. This might be tough.

Herschel Walker: Oh, don’t worry. I’m feeling very confident about this erection.

John Cornyn: Don’t you mean election?

Herschel Walker: I do not.

Marsha Blackburn: Maybe in the final push, let’s lay low and focus on the message.

Herschel Walker: Exactly. Just like Kanye.

Marsha Blackburn: No, no. On the issues people care about. Inflation, crime…

Herschel Walker: Vampires, werewolves. They’re scary little GEICO Gecko. We’re gonna be looking into all of that.

Marsha Blackburn: Right? So maybe less of that. Or even better, none of that.

Herschel Walker: Really? Because that’s like 90% of my next speech.

Mitch McConnell: Right. Herschel, can we have a moment alone?

Herschel Walker: Oh, sure. You can toss a blanket right over me and I fall asleep like a parakeet.

Marsha Blackburn: Okay. Well, that sounds great. [Marsha Blackburn puts a blanket on Herschel Walker] Night, night.

[Herschel Walker is snoring]

John Cornyn: Well done. So just to be clear, our last hope to win this year is Herschel Walker?

Marsha Blackburn: Yeah, so plan B.

Mitch McConnell: I don’t think we have no choice.

[Marsha Blackburn pulls out the blanket]

Herschel Walker: [talking in sleep] Come on, girl. Don’t take that name for no Big Mac. [wakes up] Oh, I’m sorry.

Mitch McConnell: Hershel, get up. I’m gonna show you something very exciting.

Herschel Walker: Oh, yeah, sure.

Mitch McConnell: Why don’t you take a look up in there?

[Mitch McConnell opens a hugs door size safe]

Herschel Walker: Oh, wow. Look, there’s a little room.

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. It used to be my panic room. Now. It’s all yours just till Election Day.

Herschel Walker: Well, wait, why am I already in there?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, that’s a mirror Herschel. Go on ahead. We got everything you need in there. Get in there.

Herschel Walker: Look at that. They got Lunchables in here and everything.

[Herschel Walker walks in and Mitch McConnell shuts the door]

Mitch McConnell: it’s only for a few days. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Hello Kitty

Cecily Strong

Molly Kearney

Marcello Hernandez

Bowen Yang

Keke Palmer

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Cecily and Molly training the trainees]

Cecily: Hello, everyone, welcome to new employee training here at New York City’s first ever Hello Kitty store.

Molly: Who’s excited? Show us.

Trainees: Whoo!

Marcello: Let’s do it.

Bowen: Can’t weit. I love Hello Kitty.

Keke: Me too. Dream job alert.

Molly: Now as employees, you have to be prepared to answer any questions about Sam Rios Official Hello Kitty story.

Cecily: Yes. So if you open to page five of your employee manuals, you’ll see a list of facts about Hello Kitty. So as you can see, she loves to bake cookies. She goes to school and she’s actually not a cat. She is a human little girl.

Sarah: Hah, intresting.

Marcello: I never knew that.

Bowen: What?

Keke: No.

Cecily: Yeah, it’s a fun fact, right?

Molly: Now, isn’t this a sweet one? Hello Kitty’s favorite food is a mama’s apple pie.

Bowen: Hey, why did you say hello kitty as a human little girl?

Cecily: Well, because it’s true. According to the creator’s Hello Kitty is a human little girl.

Keke: So you’re saying if you had a baby and it came out looking like Hello Kitty, you think that baby was a human baby?

Bowen: Because I would tell the doctor to throw it away.

Cecily: Well, that’s not at all what I’m saying. These are just the official Sanrio facts about Hello Kitty.

Molly: Maybe we should move on. So Hello Kitty is in third grade, and fun fact, she lives in London.

Marcello: [fake British accent] Oh wicked, in’it?

Sarah: Cheerios.

Cecily: Good. She also has a boyfriend Dear Daniel. And unlike Hello Kitty, he actually is the cat.

Bowen: So the girl is a person, but the one in the suit and ties the cat?

Cecily: Yeah.

Molly: Yes.

Bowen: Yeah, okay, that’s not gonna work for me.

Keke: And they’re dating. So you’re telling us these two are clapping cheeks bear back.

Cecily: Bear back? Yeah. Hey, no, we don’t talk that way at Sanrio.

Bowen: I’m sorry. Is this not crazy to you guys?

Sarah: I guess it’s a little weird, but I don’t care about this job. It just seems like an insane place to get high.

Molly: We’re almost done. Okay, if people ask, Hello Kitty loves candy. She weighs five apples tall and she weighs three apples.

Keke: She’s measured in apples?

Molly: She’s also in third grade. She was born in 1974.

Keke: So She’s 48 years old?

Bowen: You’re telling me she’s a 48 year old third grader who’s clapping cheeks with a cat, no Jimmy?

Cecily: Nah. Nah. We don’t talk about clapping cheeks at Sanrio.

Molly: She loves milk. Her favorite shoes are sandals.

Keke: What’s her race?

Cecily: What?

Keke: What’s Hello Kitty’s race?

Cecily: She doesn’t have one.

Bowen: You didn’t want to touch that one? She has an age, height, pet in relationship, but she’s raceless?

Keke: Okay, and she could just be anything, say she’s black.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Excuse me?

Keke: Say that little white girl is black.

Cecily: No. We’re not going to do that.

Bowen: Do you like this? Confusing us with your lies about Hello Kitty having sex and how big apples are?

Keke: Because we only recognize one big apple. New York. The best city in the world, and we’re not gonna let you ruin it.

Bowen: Who’s with us?

james: [holding a shovel] I am.

Punkie: [holding an axe] I am too.

Heidi: [wearing statue of liberty outfit] Because I am New York.

Devon: And I am New York.

Andrew: [wearing Spiderman costume] And if you mess with Hello Kitty, you mess with New York.

Michael: [walking in with Hello Kitty] Isn’t that right, Hello Kitty?

[Hello Kitty opens her kitty mask. It’s Natasha Leon.]

Natasha: Yeah. Just tell us the truth, lady.

Cecily: Natasha Leone. What do you want?

Natasha: This is New York. So say that Hello Kitty isn’t a little human girl. Say she’s a cat.

Cecily: Okay, fine. She’s a cat.

[everyone starts celebrating]

Bowen: Now, come on, everybody. I gotta sell tickets to see the Yankees on Broadway at Madison Square Garden.

All: New York!

Male voice: Hello Kitty is a human? Forget about it. Paid for by the city of New York.

Forceington’s Ridge

Alexia… Cecily Strong

Bowen Yang

Sandrine… Keke Palmer

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the soap channel. We now return to a classic 1984 episode of Forceington’s Ridge.

[Cut to the show. Alexia is hosting a party.]

Alexia: Everyone, I hope you’re all enjoying the champagne. It’s made right here at Forceington Vineyards. And if you’re lucky, I’ll give you the recipe.

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh Alexia, your drugs like you’re brave hairdos always worth.

Alexia: Someone’s trying to butter me up before I judge the Polo horse race contest this afternoon.

Bowen: Oh, Alexia, I don’t need luck. My horse is huge. Really big.

Alexia: Is it now? But then I guess it’s my job as the judge to be the judge of that big horse. Now please, everyone make your way to the garden for some key napes. Am I saying that right?

Bowen: Lead the way my dear.

Alexia: No, I think I’ll hang back a moment. I need to adjust my breasts in this big mirror.

[All the guests walk to the garden while Alexia is looking at herself on the mirror.]

There, perfect.

[Sandrine stands behind Alexia]

Sandrine: Hello, Alexia.

Alexia: Well, well, well, Sandrine St. Cassettape. You waited for my mirror shot?

Sandrine: Well with your vanity and wandering breasts, I knew just where to find you.

Alexia: I didn’t realize you had an invite.

Sandrine: Maybe you forgot to send it like you didn’t forget not to felicitate my husband ever did.

Alexia: Well, you said that wrong, but I did do it and I’ll do it again today.

Sandrine: Better you than me darling. My mouth is exit only.

Alexia: What are you doing here in my home?

Sandrine: Oh? Your home? You didn’t hear? I found out about your secret floor culture and I thought I could use some place to go to the bathroom when I have guests over.

Alexia: You bitch.

Sandrine: Takes one to be one.

[Alexia slaps Sandrine]

You’re gonna regret that.

[Alexia and Sandrine starts fighting]

[Suddenly they start fighting like pro athletes. They’re wearing knee pads and safety gears.]

Sandrine: Is that all you got, darling?

Alexia: Let me show you how I really feel. You almost smeared my lipstick.

Sandrine: Yes. What is that shade calls anyway? Desperate hag?

Alexia: When I get over there, I’m gonna…

[They starting fighting like pros again]

[Alexia carries Sandrine on her shoulders]

Sandrine: Let me down.

Alexia: With pleasure. [Throws Sandrine on the table and breaks it] Right over there.

Sandrine: Oh, that almost hurt.

Alexia: How’d you like it when your face hit my table?

Sandrine: It’s my my table now, remember? So I loved it as much as you’re going to love the taste of my fist.

[They starting fighting like pros again]

[Bowen walks in]

Bowen: Alexia, Sandrine, oh my god. I certainly hope this violence that about who’s feliciating me? By the way, tick tock.

Sandrine: No, darling. This is about something much, much bigger.

Bowen: Okay, I feel like that’s a dig at me. You two have been friends for 50 years.

Alexia: No. 15. 15.

Bowen: Yeah, sure.

Sandrine: But he’s right. You know, this is no way for two friends to behave.

Alexia: Friends? We’re not friends.

Sandrine: Business partners then?

Alexia: Business partners?

Sandrine: With my financial acumen and your champagne recipe, we’ll be unstoppable.

Alexia: Well that might be the best idea I’ve heard all day. Shall we talk through the details over lunch?

Sandrine: Yes, lunch.

[they walk to the garden]

Oh, Blaige, Storm, are you coming?

[Blaige and Storm are the two women who are dressed like Alexia and Sandrine and were fighting like professionals]

Female voice: To Forceington Cassettape’s vineyard.