Weekend Update Mother Earth on Climate Change

Colin Jost

Mother Earth… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The UN Climate Change Conference ended this week with many saying that not nearly enough was done to address the alarming rise in global temperatures. Here to comment is Mother Earth.

[Mother Earth slides in] [cheers and applause]

Mother Earth: Hello. Hello. Us creatures are warning– No, I’m kidding. I’m normal. I talk normal. Yeah, I’m just a normal mom who’s hot and pissed.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you so much for being here, Mother Earth.

Mother Earth: Oh, you can call me Mama.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Mama. Sorry, Mama. I don’t know. Does that sound natural coming for me?

Mother Earth: No, it sounds really bad.

Colin Jost: Well, I do you like your dress? It’s super cool. Is that like a mythical Earth robe?

Mother Earth: No, I got this a Chico’s because it had a moon on the boob. Yeah, I cannot believe that people say the earth is flat. I mean look at these honkers. [showing her breasts]

Colin Jost: HR said I’m not supposed to. So, the climate summit just finished. How are you?

Mother Earth: Not well, daddy. Not well. Here’s the thing. I am not a hard ass. I mean, you guys got to admit. Because I’ve been a very cool mom. Okay? I let a lot of weird stuff slide. Like, I let you do see worlds. I let you put mascara on rats and monkeys. And you know, New York is like a mix of cabs and horses and I’m like, “I don’t love it, but do your thing.” You know? But now I am worried. I think I’m like sick.

Colin Jost: Is there anyone who can help you out? Is there like a father earth?

Mother Earth: No. I mean, I’m single mom. You know, I mean, I do have a casual hookup situation with Father Time. Like, we get kind of freakin nasty.

Colin Jost: Wow.

Mother Earth: Yeah, well, I wish it was a ‘wow’, but it’s more of like, “Okay, thank you.”

Colin Jost: Well, what can we all do to reverse the current climate crisis?

Mother Earth: Well, it’s all the things that you don’t want to do. Like, no more hamburgers or Forever 21. Stop throwing iPhones in the ocean. And can I just say one thing? Coal is from my ass. You know that, right? Like, you’re literally going down digging around my ass and grabbing coal nuggets. And then you’re like, “Oh, I think we should burn our mom’s ass rock.” And the sun is right there literally begging for a job. But you guys are like, “No, no, we have a grand tradition of burning our moms ass.”

Colin Jost: Well, don’t you think we can make new technology that can help with some of this?

Mother Earth: I don’t know. I feel like all I see is divorce nerds trying to colonize Mars. You know? And honestly, I know Mars. She’s a hot dry windy horn. You know that, right Colin?

Colin Jost: I’ve heard that. I don’t know about you. I just think I’m still hopeful that we can make it better.

Mother Earth: Aww, see? I’m gonna miss humans after you burn. You guys are cute.

Colin Jost: Well, before we go, is there anything else you want humans to know?

Mother Earth: Yeah. Yeah, there is. Um, your mother. I care about you. I love you. And this can go one of two ways. You helped me or I’m gonna kill you. Mama gonna kill you dead. Nah, I’m kidding. I love you guys. I think the corporations are really going to help ya.

Colin Jost: Mother Earth, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update House Passes Build Back Better Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, yesterday it was a weird one for President Biden. He went under anesthesia for a colonoscopy and when he woke up, the house had passed a $2 trillion social safety net bill, the Rittenhouse verdict was announced and a woman had technically been president for the first time ever. And while Biden was processing all that, [picture changes to Joe Biden looking at a turkey] he was rushed off to pardon a turkey named Peanut Butter. I mean, come on, the guy just turned 79. Half the country already thinks he’s senile. You can’t drop all that on him the second he comes out of the gats. I actually can’t believe how well it went. Remember David after the dentist? [picture changes to a boy inside a car. It’s a YouTube video called “David after dentist”.] I’m surprised we didn’t get “Biden after the colonoscopy”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Kyle Rittenhouse was found not guilty in the murder of two men during a Black Lives Matter protest. So, hopefully he got all that shooting out of his system before he becomes a cop.

Protests are being held all around the country in response to the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, which is brave because Rittenhouse just got off a shooting protesters. I don’t know, maybe don’t tempt them?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Matt Gaetz said his office would be open to hiring Kyle Rittenhouse as a congressional intern because Gaetz has always loved teenagers who are willing to do terrible things. [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] Steve Bannon seen here ordering one new liver please surrender to the FBI on contempt of Congress charges and said we are taking down the Biden regime. I hate to break it to you Steve, but I think Biden’s got that covered all on his own. Bannon addressed his supporters in a live stream on GETTR, a social media platform popular with Trump allies. GETTR is named after what its users say whenever they see a woman walking alone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dave Chappelle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Washington DC art school is postponing renaming its theater after alumni Dave Chappelle following his Netflix special controversy. Well, of course, because God forbid you should name a building after someone problematic in Washington DC. Meanwhile, my old high school insists on keeping the Michael Chase sucks Buck bathroom stall.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Gosar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some of my best work. Arizona Congressman Paul Gosar seen here watching an interracial couple walk by, has officially been censured after posting a violent anime video that depicted him killing Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. But I don’t know. He’s a 60 year old man who makes his own anime. When he heard he was getting punished, he was probably like, “Is it nipple clamps? I just hope an octopus doesn’t do anything to me.”

Weekend Update Baby Yoda on the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will feature several exciting new balloons including star of the Mandalorian Grogu, aka, Baby Yoda. Here to comment is Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Baby Yoda: Your boy is back. Wad up, New York city?

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: It’s great to see you again Baby Yoda. Now, you’re going to be a Parade balloon. You must be excited.

Baby Yoda: Well, I’m getting paid $2 million dollars to kick it with Pikachu, Ronald McDonald and the dude from Diary of a Wimpy Kid on live TV. High as hell. My life’s a movie, son!

Michael Che: It sounds like fun. So, you got any other fun Thanksgiving plans?

Baby Yoda: Hell yeah. Me and your squad are doing a little Friend’s giving thing over at Post Malone’s crib. It’s gonna be me, Millie Bobby Brown, The GEICO Gecko, new mega, and my boy Clifford the Big Red Dog. The crew.

Michael Che: Gosh. Well, and I noticed you have a new look.

Baby Yoda: Yeah. Oh, I guess it’s obvious. So, I’m a punk now. Yeah, like a really authentic, stick it to the man, Pop Punk. Yeah, I actually got a– I got a new album coming out.

Michael Che: Oh, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah, yeah. It’s called “Confessions of the diary of a loser”. It’s about being unpopular in high school because you’re a little green Jedi. And Che, I’m not gonna lie. The world ain’t ready for how good this music is. Woohoo!

Michael Che: It’s exciting. Can we hear a little?

Baby Yoda: Oh, he gotta twist my arm like that. Okay, yeah, I’ll drop one a capella. This song is called “10th grade is hard”.

[singing] Just another boring day in high school, Whoa
Why can I be on the TV? Yay Yeah
I guess I just stereotypical,
oh god oh god, yeah

Michael Che: I like it. Everybody likes it. What about the whole high school thing? How old are you again?

Baby Yoda: I’m in my 50s. But, yeah, you know your boy ain’t exactly y’all odd popular anymore. Yeah, turns out being on Disney plus has its own pluses.

Michael Che: That’s right. There’s been a lot of speculation about your dating life.

Baby Yoda: Yeah. That’s actually private. You know? I don’t really talk about that stuff. But uh, yeah, I’ll tell you everything. I’m dating mama bear from the Berenstein Bears. You know, we’re haveing fun. And bro, when she show up with that blue night gown and cap on, yeah. Let’s just say we go beren-stain them sheets.

Michael Che: Oh, come on, man. That is not appropriate.

Baby Yoda: Nah. It is though. Oh. I got a message for her ex. Baby Groot, it’s over. If you text my girl again, I will throw your twig ass in the chipper, turn you into some paper and then wipe my little green ass with you. Amen.

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update Adele Proposal New Lethal Weapon Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news et. There’s a picture of Adele at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man surprised his girlfriend by bringing you’re on stage to propose to her during an Adele concert. Then they sat down and listened to an hour of songs about divorce.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lethal Weapon poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mel Gibson is reportedly in talks to direct a new Lethal Weapon movie but if you want to see a broken down black guy team up with a handsome racist, just watch Weekend Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Frida Kahlo painting at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks.I wasn’t addressed. Anyway, a self Portrait by Frida Kahlo was sold at auction for the record some of $34 million. A price that definitely raised some eyebrows.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Professor: not immoral for adults to be attracted to children”.]

A professor at a college in Virginia is being criticized after saying that it is not immoral for adults to be sexually attracted to children. Find out why and his new book – “Wait, hold on! Hear me out…”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of bees at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New research shows that before honey bees are killed by murder Hornets, they scream a rally cry to other bees… who sadly just film the attack on their phones.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disneyland logo at left top corner.]

It’s not real, guys.

Colin Jost: Bees. It was announced that for the first time ever, Disney parks will feature black Santa Clauses. Unfortunately, as part of the villains parade.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Queen Elizabeth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Royal experts are saying that Queen Elizabeth’s health has entered a different phase and the public may not see her until February. So, you know what that means. New titties!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of moon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week the US experienced the longest partial lunar eclipse in nearly 600 years. Scientists say the Eclipse began when yo mama got on the trampoline.

 

Thanksgiving Baking Championship

Host… Alex Moffat

Stacy… Sarah Sherman

Mike… Simu Liu

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Pete Davidson, Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Thanksgiving Baking Championship.

[Cut to bakes and the host]

Host: Okay, Baker’s. Time is up. Today’s theme was giving thanks and you had two hours to create cakes based on what you’re most thankful for. First up is home Baker, Stacy.

Stacy: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here.

Ego: We’re glad you are. Now tell us what you made today.

Stacy: Well, I always worried I would never have children. So, this year I’m thankful for my beautiful baby girl who turns three this Thanksgiving. So, my cake is bubblegum sponge covered in sweet vanilla fondant. And my little girl just had her first dance recital so she’s wearing a pink tutu made of Spun Sugar.

Pete: That is adorable. I’m dying.

Stacy: Thank you. I’m almost as proud of her as I am with the cake.

Ego: Oh, well. Let’s see it.

[Stacy shows the judges her cake. It’s bad.]

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up.

Pete: Whoa, Stacy. It looks like you had a little trouble there.

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up. I thought if I pretended to cry, you wouldn’t noticed that my cake was bad.

Aidy: Okay, so where did you go wrong?

Stacy: Yeah. I had trouble was her head. So, I turned into a diaper. And then I put a yellow legs on her. I don’t I don’t know.

Ego: Well let’s sample the cake.

[The judges taste the cake]

Pete: Okay, I’m getting a lot of mustard.

Stacy: Yeah, I do not know how to bake. I also do not have a daughter. I made that all up.

Host: Wow, you are a mess. Next up is home Baker and amateur rapper, Mike.

Mike: Hi, judges. Happy bakesgiving.

Pete: [eating the cake] Ay, cute pun. And Mike, I have to ask. You rap?

Mike: Oh, I really do. And if I may.

[rapping] My name is Mike and I’m here to bake
the make the cake, the–

Aidy: Wow! Got a little tongue tied there. But let’s hear what you’re thankful for.

Mike: Well, this year I’m most thankful for time with friends and family. So, in the spirit of abundance, I made two cakes. So, first is a pilgrim made from butterscotch pound cake and European buttercream. The second cake is a faux Turkey made with Angel Food and caramel icing. Save me a drumstick. Save me a drumstick.

Ego: Wow, two cakes. That’s a fast. Let’s see them.

[Mike shows the judges his cakes. They’re really bad.]

Mike: Yeah, I did it wrong.

Pete: Oh! Mike! What happened?

Mike: I think just total lack of imagination and ability.

Ego: Why did you give the pilgrim red lips?

Mike: I don’t know. I don’t remember doing any of this.

Host: Oh, that’s too bad. Next up is returning contestant, Sandy.

Sandy: Hi, judges. I pulled out all the stops today with my three layer fall Fantasia maple bourbon wedding cake.

[Sandy shows the judges her cake. It looks fantastic.] [the judges are whispering]

Aidy: Okay.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: What? No! This is good.

Pete: Well, you said it’s three layers and this is only two.

Sandy: His cake is horrible and you didn’t even taste it.

Ego: Alright, Mike, can we taste you cake?

Mike: Really? Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.

[While Mike tries to cut the cake, the cake opens its eyes and screams]

Ego: Mike did your cake just open its eyes and scream. How’s it doing that?

Mike: I don’t know. I think my cake is so bad, I opened a portal to hell.

Pete: Well, we still need to taste it.

Mike: Of course, of course.

[Mike tries to cut another cake. The cake starts puking.]

Aidy: Mike., did the pilgrim just barf on the turkey?

Mike: I believe it did, ma’am. It’s squeamish, I guess.

Sandy: That’s so disgusting. That is not up to baking challenge standards.

[Mike’s cake turns towards Sandy and starts puking on her]

Oh my god! Ew!

Ego: Well, Sandy, you asked for that.

Mike: Argh! Should I go? I feel like I should go.

Pete: No, Mike, it’s anyone’s game. Ralph?

5: Well, it’s easy to look back at Thanksgivings of old. But what will Thanksgivings be in the future? Thanks to a new era of space travel, we may know sooner than we think. My cake is a tribute to that.

[5 shows the judges his cake. It looks like a penis ejaculating.]

Aidy: Okay. And the white stuff is like the re-entering the atmosphere?

5: Yes, ma’am. And the spunk is icing.

Ego: Looks like we have a tough decision to make.

Sandy: No, you don’t.

Target Thanksgiving Ad

[Starts with clips of a family enjoying Thanksgiving]

Female voice: Hosting Thanksgiving is a big job. Luckily, Target’s got you covered with incredible savings on everything you need for a perfect feast. Buy-One-Get-One deals on Classic Thanksgiving sides and sauces. And of course, butterball turkeys from $1.49 a pound. But hosting Thanksgiving also means hosting your family. And that can be a whole damn thing.

[Cut to family arguing at the dinner table]

That’s my target’s also got great deals on a bunch of stuff you’ll need specifically for them. Like, half off Nate’s Humane Tofurkey Loaf for your nieces annoying new boyfriend.

New Boyfriend: I don’t eat anything with feathers anymore. You know, I’ve watched that Netflix documentary. Horrifying. Horrifying what they do to these birds.

Female voice: And after dinner, the savings keep on coming with discounts on Wilson brand footballs so you can work off dinner in the backyard with the uncle who takes the game too seriously.

[Cut to family playing football at the back yard. One guy hits another guy really hard like it’s a real game.]

Uncle: Whoo! Second down.

Female voice: And for your dirtbag cousin, take 20% off motion sensor lights so he can smoke cigarettes in the driveway.

Cousin: [smoking at the drive. There’s a kid looking at him.] You wanna try, little man? And $50 off Apple noise canceling air pods for when grandpa weighs in on social issues.

Grandpa: The democrats, while that guy’s changed football to high heeled sleep. [a guy uses Apple noise canceling air pod to ignore the talk]

Female voice: Plus, take 30% off Purina brand dog food. Since someone in your family’s bringing their dog even though you ask them not to. [A dog is messing up the trashcan.]

And for kids, great deals on toys they can destroy when they’re left unsupervised in the basement. [Kids are destroying the toys in the basement]

Plus everyday low prices on wine and beer to get you through this conversation.

Grandma: You know who died? Jeannie Feldman.

Female voice: And this conversation.

New Boyfriend: The thing about crypto that’s so exciting is that it’s decentralized. Like if you think about the blockchain…

Female voice: Or this one.

Uncle: [to his neice] Hey, you brought your new girlfriend. She got some nice titties, huh?

Female voice: Plus, huge savings on family holiday must haves. BandAids, pain relievers, and of course more wine.

Uncle: Nice ass on her too.

Female voice: Hey, someone’s got to host your family for Thanksgiving. Ah, so if you do the short straw…

Ego: [washing dishes] Anyone gonna help me with these?

Female voice: Turn to target for everything your family needs.

Cousin: [drunk] Ay, just give me my keys. I drive around all the time.

[Cut to cousin sleeping on Target mattress]

Female voice: Target. Let’s do it all again at Christmas.

Simu Liu Monologue

Simu Liu

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Simu Liu.

[Simu Liu walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Simu Liu: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Sima Liu. Some of you might know me from Marvel’s Shang Chi and the Legend of the 10 Rings. I am officially Marvel’s first openly Chinese superhero. I’m also the first Chinese host on SNL. to be the fourth Chinese toast on SNL. I’m actually Chinese Canadian and I am so happy to be here for the Thanksgiving show. Now, in Canada, Thanksgiving is actually in October and marks the start of the harvest season. Here in America, things are a little different. It’s a November and it marks the start of Black Friday week on Amazon Prime. But I do have a lot to be thankful for. Now, a lot of people ask me how I landed a role in a Marvel movie. The truth is I got Sang Chi how every Canadian gets their big break by asking politely back. No, no, no. For real. Back in 2014, and this is a true story, I tweeted, “Hey, Marvel, great job with Captain America and Thor. Now how about an Asian superhero?” And at the time, I think the tweet got like 10 likes, which was like 10 more than I usually got. But I worked hard. And five years later, Marvel did make their first Asian superhero movie. And after I got the part, I went online and tweeted, “Thanks for getting back to me.” Clearly. I’m Canadian.

Now, I really can’t believe my life right now because 10 years ago, I actually had a job dressing up as Spider Man for kids birthday parties. Which meant parents would pay me to entertain their kids while they were day drinking. I’ll never forget this one birthday boy’s name was Trevor. And like I don’t want to say anything bad about him, but let’s just say he was a real Trevor. Kicking my shins and screaming, “You’re not Spider Man. You’re not Spider Man.” And look, I don’t know if you’ve ever been kicked by a seven year old while wearing a $30 Walmart Spider Man suit but it will break you. It will break your spirit. But it also lit a fire under me. And I don’t know where he is now. But Trevor, if you’re watching, I just want to say you were right. I’m not Spider Man. I’m Shang Chi, bitch!

We got a great show for you tonight. Saweetie is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Simu & Bowen

Simu Liu

Bowen Yang

Andrew Dismukes

Sarah Sherman

[Bowen is just reading a book in his room. Simu comes in.]

Simu: Knock, knock.

Bowen: Simu, what’s up? My fellow, yellow, hello.

Simu: What?

Bowen: Nothing. I’m just nervous I think. I mean, this has never happened before. Right? Asian male host. Asian male cast member.

Simu: I know. It’s like we’re the Spider Man meme.

Bowen: Except you have abs and I have ibs.

Simu: Ibs?

Bowen: IBS. Anyway, Congrats, man. I Mean, the first Asian Marvel lead. That’s huge.

Simu: Oh, thank you. I almost can’t wrap my head around it. I mean, you get it, right? Like, first fully Asian cast member on SNL? It’s amazing.

Bowen: Oh, yeah, thanks. I just think it’s weird that people keep track of this stuff, though.

Simu: Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, [showing a big medal] I just got this first Asian man who moved from Canada to America named SEMA.

Bowen: I have one that says Bowen.

Simu: No way. Yeah, I always just forget to take my hat off.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, Bowen. I have an award for you. You are the first gay Asian cast member to mispronounce boutique.

Bowen: Is it not Bu-ti-kwa?

Andrew: No. Congrats.

Simu: Wow, Bowen, that’s so historic.

Andrew: And Simu, you were just named the first Asian man to deadpan on Splash Mountain.

Bowen: Wow, congratulations.

Simu: Thanks.

Bowen:  But seriously, Sang Chi was so good.

Simu: Thank you. Yeah, I guess they’re saying I’m the first Asian man to blow up a dragon from the inside. [showing a championship belt like of wrestling.]

Bowen: I got the same one too. But it means something else.

Simu: Anyway, don’t you think these titles are kind of ridiculous?

Bowen: Totally. Like the state of Michigan gave me the “good job parentheses Asian award”. I do not care!

[Cut to Bowen giving his award speech happy and excited]

Bowen at award ceremony: To every Asian on the planet. I did this for you.

Simu: I know. First Asian man to beat StarCraft II. I didn’t even go to the ceremony.

[Cut to Simu giving his award speech happy and excited]

Simu at award ceremony: Whoo! There’s no way this is true. But thank you so much.

[Sarah walks in with a flower bouquet.]

Sarah: Hey. Mr. Asian Panera. These are for you. [passing the flowers to Simu]

Simu: Oh, my god. For me?

Bowen: What is Mr. Asian Panera?

Simu: Oh, I guess I was the first Asian that you pick to a Panera or something.

[Cut to Simu when he was picked.]

Simu at the time: Yes! I did it! I did it!

Bowen: You know, it’s almost embarrassing. Like, I didn’t even tell anyone about being one of people’s sexiest man alive.

[Cut to Bowen calling his mom]

Bowen sobbing: Mom, I’m hot.

Simu: Weren’t you the first openly bottom guy on that list.

Bowen: I’m not open about that. Who told you that?

Simu: Sorry, I just guessed.

Bowen: Oh, nice. Good job.

[Sarah walks in again]

Sarah: Hey, I have another award for first Asian man to do a share impression on NBC. But it doesn’t say who it’s for.

[Bowen and Simu start doing the impression]

Sarah: Simu wins.

Simu: Yes!

Bowen: Congratulations. Just remember Simu, whatever first thing you do, I’ll always be gay.

Republican or Not

Benson Dubois… Kenan Thompson

Jim Lee… Simu Liu

Michelle Flynn… Ego Nwodim

Brady… Kyle Mooney

Lacey… Sarah Sherman

Cheney… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro] Male voice: And now it’s time to play Republican or Not? With your host Benson Dubois.

[cut to Benson Dubois in his set] [cheers and applause]

Benson Dubois: Hello, and welcome to the show. The game is simple. We’re gonna meet some people, and our contestants have to guess whether they’re republican or not. Seems easy, right? Hello, contestants.

Jim Lee: Hi, Benson. I’m Jim Lee. And honestly, this game seems pretty straightforward. So I think I got this.

Benson Dubois: I bet you do. And how about you?

Michelle Flynn: Hello, Benson. I’m Michelle Flynn. I grew up in Ohio. So, I’ve been playing this game my whole life. Kind of an expert.

Benson Dubois: Sure you are. Let’s get started. Let’s bring out our first guest. [Brady walks in] This is Brady. Now he’s gonna make a few statements. Ring in as soon as you’re ready to guess. Republican or not? All right, Brady, give us our first clue.

Brady: I think Facebook is evil.

Jim Lee: Oh, wow. Because they’re spreading disinformation or because they’ve banned Donald Trump?

Benson Dubois: Not so easy, is it?

Jim Lee: Maybe we need another hit.

Benson Dubois: I would say you do.

Brady: I buy all my produce straight from a farm.

Michelle Flynn: Because you want to or because you have to?

Benson Dubois: I don’t know Miss Ohio. You the expert. Keep going Brady.

Brady: I respect pro athletes who stand up for their beliefs.

Jim Lee: Which athletes?

Michelle Flynn: And which beliefs?

Benson Dubois: Who knows? Could be her or him? No guesses? Okay, then give them the last clue. Brady?

Brady: God I hate cops.

[Michelle Flynn presses the ringer]

Michelle Flynn: Okay, he is not a Republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: Oh, sorry. So close. But no, Brady is indeed a Republican.

Michelle Flynn: But but he said he hates cops.

Benson Dubois: Yes, but he was talking about these cops. [Picture of police holding Trump rally appears on the screen] Well, better luck next round. Let’s Meet Our second guest, Lacey. Lacey came here from Manhattan.

Jim Lee: New York City or Kansas?

Benson Dubois: I can’t say. Start the clock.

Lacey: On Twitter, my pin tweet is “My body my choice.”

Jim Lee: Okay, that’s a trick. She’s talking about vaccines, right?

Benson Dubois: Oh, if we only knew. Another hint Lacey.

Lacey: I support Caitlyn Jenner.

Michelle Flynn: In what way? Politically?

Benson Dubois: [eating popcorn] You’re doing great.

Jim Lee: And give us another clue.

Lacey: Okay. My favorite comic is Dave Chappelle.

Michelle Flynn: Starting when?

Benson Dubois: I love my job. All right, give them another one.

Lacey: Last month I went to a board meeting and complained about a book being taught in my daughter’s school.

[Jim Lee presses the ringer]

Jim Lee: Okay, I definitely know that one. She’s a republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: No. Sorry.

Jim Lee: What? She was complaining about a book in her kids school.

Benson Dubois: That’s right. And that book, the Bible. Alright, before we bring out our next guest, let’s hear about today’s sponsors. Jimmy!

Male voice: Republican or not is sponsored by the city of Orlando, where Democrats visit and Republicans live. Orlando. Back to you, Benson.

Benson Dubois: Thank you, Jimmy. Alright, let’s bring out our next guest, Liz.

Liz: Good afternoon.

Jim Lee: Is that– I feel like I recognize her.

Benson Dubois: Maybe you do. Start the clock.

Liz: I’m a congresswoman from Wyoming. I’m endorsed by the NRA and have an 80% rating from the American Conservative Union.

Benson Dubois: Nobody wants to ring in?

Michelle Flynn: Yeah, I really want to. It seems so obvious, but this game is weird.

Liz: My name is Liz Cheney. I’m the daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney.

Benson Dubois: She’s the daughter of Dick Cheney.

Michelle Flynn: Okay. Y’all are being real tricky here, aren’t you?

Liz: I’m a Republican.

[Jim Lee presses the ringer]

Jim Lee: Republican. She just said she’s a Republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: No, sorry. Again. That is wrong.

Jim Lee: What? How?

Benson Dubois: The Wyoming Republican Party actually voted representative Cheney out this week for opposing Donald Trump.

Liz: But I am a Republican.

Benson Dubois: Ha-ha! You might tell everybody that, but it’s not what other Republicans say. Like it or not, you are the Rachel Dolezal of the Republican Party.

Liz: Well, I don’t care. I’ve been fighting for Republican values all my life.

Benson Dubois: Aw, that is so cute. We will see you on MSNBC in about a week. Let’s take a break. When we come back we’ll find out if these camouflage pants are Republican or not.

Jim Lee: Who’s wearing them? Guy playing paintball or Rihanna?

Benson Dubois: You still don’t get it?

Please Don’t Destroy – Touch Up

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with John looking at their group pictures.]

John: Dude, these look great.

Martin: Yeah, we should post that.

[Ben walks in. His face looks really, really weird]

Ben: What’s up, my dudes?

John: Oh my god!

Martin: Oh no! What happened?

Ben: Oh sorry. I’m late. The bone by the subway. “Damn you see train.” How y’all doing?

John: No. Dude. your face. Did you get botox?

Ben: Oh, you guys can tell?

John: Yes.

Ben: Yeah, just got a little touch up.

John: What?

Martin: So, this was intentional? Not an accident?

Ben: Yeah, figured we’re gonna be on camera a little more. Might as well look my best.

Martin: Ben, you know I love you.

Ben: Love you too.

Martin: You look like you drowned.

John: I feel like I’m at your wake. You look embalmed.

Ben: I asked for the Chalamet. Is that coming through?

Both: No!

Ben: I like it man. I paid top dollar for this thing.

Martin: How much?

Ben: 150 bucks.

Martin: That’s not enough.

John: For full face botox?

Ben: That sucks. I wish there was an undo button for this thing.

John: Your face isn’t even moving when you laugh, dude. This is so bad.

[while John is covering his face, his fingers look way too longer than usual]

Ben: I’m sorry. What did you do?

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: What is with your fingers?

John: Oh yeah, I got some work done myself.

Martin: You got longer fingers?

John: Oh my God. We are not making this about my finger.

Ben: What? You extended them?

John: You know how many YouTube comments there were about how short they were before.

Martin: Well, now you look like the Babadook.

John: Wow, Martin. How about you go shhh.

Martin: Don’t touch my mouth.

Ben: You look like Pan’s Labyrinth.

John: Do I?

Ben: Do this. That’s Pan.

John: Oh yeah. Sure. Fine. But these fingers rock. I feel more confident. I play guitar easier. I can do cool stuff like, “West side”.

Ben: I got botox. I look good.

Martin: You know what? Should I get some work done on my face?

John: No.

Ben: You don’t need it.

Martin: I know. I’m talking about my second face.

[Martin pulls out his wig. There’s a second small face on his scalp.]

Ben: Ew. What is that?

Martin: I know, I know. He needs a nosejob.

John: No. What the hell is it? Does it talk?

Martin: He used to but then I think he died. Okay. This is so toxic. Can we all agree that we’re beautiful on the inside?

Ben: I guess so.

John: Yeah.

Martin’s second face: I agree.

Ben: Who said that?

Martin’s second face: It was me. You guys are beautiful.