Tag: episode 8

Weekend Update- Trump Claims Constitution Should Be Terminated, Brittney Griner Freed

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, it was shaping up to be a good week for Joe Biden. He got Brittney Griner back. He kept marriage gay. And he’s only got he’s only got 14 More sleeps until Santa. But then just when he thought he had it all under control, Kiersten Sinema said “Hold my wig.”

[picture changes to Kiersten Sinema]

Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema seen here realizing that someone is actually waving to the person behind her, announced that she’s leaving the Democratic Party and is registering as an independent. Explained Sinema, “Pay attention to me.”

[Picture changes to Britney Griner]

WNBA star Brittney Griner was freed from prison in exchange for Russian arms dealer Victor Boot. It’s actually a great trade because Boot was only averaging five points and two rebounds a game.

[Cut to Michael Che. are pictures of Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Raphael Warnock defeated Herschel Walker in Georgia Senate run off race. But I don’t think this is the last you’ll hear from Herschel Walker. I mean, unless he’s your biological father. With Raphael Warnock’s win, Democrats in the Senate will no longer have to rely on vice president Harris for tie breaking votes. Harris can now focus on her main priority – [picture changes to Joe Biden falling from bicycle] waiting for a worst bike accident.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a woman at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Supreme Court heard a case this week over whether a conservative evangelical woman can refuse to design a website for a same sex marriage. But honey, I don’t know any gay couple who’s going to hire a designer with those highlights?

Michael Che: Honey?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I apologize. [picture changes to Samuel Alito] During oral arguments in the case Justice Samuel Alito raised the hypothetical. -Could a black department store Santa be forced to take a picture with a child dressed in a Klan robe? Alito added that he’d love an answer before he takes his grandkids to the mall next week.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution. Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are picture of Morocco and Portugal flags at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I don’t think I saw it today, Morocco beat Portugal in the quarterfinals of the World Cup. Yeah, it’s the best World Cup performance by a team of Africans since the unpaid workers who built the stadiums. I didn’t do it.

Portugal’s Head Coach decided not to start soccer legend Cristiano Ronaldo in today’s loss. Even more insulting, at halftime he tried to trade Ronaldo for Brittney Griner. But the biggest upsets so far in the World Cup was their favorite Brazil was eliminated, except for a tiny strip down the middle.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrie Irving at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Nike has officially cut ties with Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving over his anti semitism scandal. Kyrie says he’s so depressed he might jump off the edge of the world.

Today, today was the Santacon bar crawl in New York City. Yeah, the annual reminder that while Santa may exist, God doesn’t.

Weekend Update- Mary Anne Louise Fischer on Holiday Shopping

Michael Che

Mary Ann Louise Fisher… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, folks, the holiday season is officially upon us and here with some tips on how to get your holiday shopping done quickly is the most chaotic holiday shopper ever. Mary Ann Louise Fisher.

[Mary Ann Louise Fisher slides in]
[cheers and applause]

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Hello, Michael. Hey, hey. We got about three minutes to do this. I still got seven stores to hit on this block.

Michael Che: Wow. So you’ve been pretty busy.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Oh, yeah, I have, Michael. See, I’m one to 27 children’s, so I got a lot of shopping to do. And I need to do it fast and I need to do to crazy. You ever seen the aisles at Ross Dress For Less?

Michael Che: Yes, that place is a wreck. I mean most of the merchandise is on the ground.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Yeah, that’s me, Michael. That’s all me. Every single Ross, that’s me.

Michael Che: So you’re single handedly trashing all the Ross’s.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: You’ve ever tripped over a pair of Billabong board shorts stuck to a Winnie the Pooh children’s teapot? That was me, Michael.

Michael Che: But why mess everything up?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Power, Michael. I need to leave my mark. And sometimes to find that one perfect shirt, you have to unfold 40 and dump them all on the floor.

Michael Che: All right, well, you’re here to give us some holiday shopping tips. Right?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: That’s correct. Tip number one. Get you one of these. [pulls out a neck brace and wears it] Did you know anyone can buy a neck brace? You don’t even have to go to a doctor. These things make people stay out of your way. They think you’re wounded. But only you know your neck is strong as hell. Now, Michael, guess how much all the Santa plates were?

Michael Che: Wait, what?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: $3. Okay? All right? Now guess how much this shirt was?

Michael Che: I don’t know. Maybe…

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: $3. Okay. You want me to show you how I got it?

Michael Che: Sure.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Okay, so hold this. [gives Michael Che the shirt] And pretend you’re a customer looking at it.

Michael Che: Well, ain’t this a lovely blouse.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: [snatches the shirt from Michael Che’s hands] Give me that damn shirt. That was in my basket.

Michael Che: Alright, well that was intense. I see how that works for you. But like you have any other tips.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Tip number two. If your blood sugar drops, JC Penney got nuggets.

Michael Che: What?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: JC Penney got chicken nuggets. All you got to do is get yourself stuck on that escalator, make a fuss and the manager will find you some nuggets. Okay?

Michael Che: Are you alright?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: No, Michael, what the hell are you talking about? I know too much. I seen too much. It’s a warzone out there. And I just got done doing three tours in Nordstrom Iraq.

Michael Che: Nordstrom Rack is just a department store. It’s not that serious.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Okay, you have no idea Michael. I’m the one out here on his front lines. Now my third and final tip, and I shouldn’t have to say this. But if you can be black, because if you’re white acting like this, someone will take a video and you will lose your job. You see Michael? There is no such thing as a black Karen. See, I could slap the hell out of you right now and nobody was saying a word. My job is safe.

Michael Che: What do you even do for work?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: I sue the city. The city has a lot of money and a bunch of uneven sidewalks.

Michael Che: Mary Ann Louise Fisher, everybody.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: I got you some gift, it’s some jeans.

Michael Che: No, I’m good.

Weekend Update- Kurt and Deb from Wyoming on Rekindling the Spark

Colin Jost

Kurt… Mikey Day

Deb… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new book aimed at helping married couples rekindle the spark in the bedroom is showing up on several holiday must have lists. Here it’s authors Kurt and Deb from Wyoming. [Kurt and Deb slide in] Hey guys, so why don’t you tell us about how this book came about?

Kurt: Yeah, well, Deb and me have been married close to 20 years now.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Things kind of fizzled out in bed.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Well, we discovered my wife’s got a talent for doing voices of famous people. So we took that out into the bedroom.

Colin Jost: Okay, so sort of like role playing?

Kurt: Yeah, but with celebrities. For example, we’ll show you our technique at wor. Baby, you want to show him Drew Barrymore? You’re gonna like this.

Deb: [in Drew Barrymore’s voice]Oh my god, that feels amazing.

Kurt: Do you like that, Drew Barrymore?

Deb: Yes, it’s fantastic.

Kurt: Yeah? How much? How much you like it?

Deb: So much.

Kurt: Louder. Come on.

Deb: It’s literally blowing my mind.

Kurt: Louder, come on.

Deb: It’s so orgasmic.

Kurt: Whoo! I’m half master.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I know.

Kurt: Is that not hot as hell?

Colin Jost: I can see. Yes. I know we’re all getting really turned on.

Kurt: Yeah, you are. Horn dog. So Drew is a good girl but she does bad girls too like that Russian con artists lady from Inventing Anna. You know? Do Anna Delvey for him. Come on?

Deb: [in Anna Delvey’s voice] Ah, you’re nothing little boy.

Kurt: Yes Miss Delvey. Miss Delvey is a dom. Yes, Miss Delvey.

Deb: You’re so weak and poor.

Kurt: Yeah, come on. Please, ruin my credit score. Ruin my credit score.

Deb: Oh, my orgasm is on the way.

Kurt: Yeah, it is, Miss Delvey. Yeah. Damn.

Colin Jost: Thank you. That’s great. I’m curious. Easy. I’m curious how many voices does she do?

Kurt: Man? I think I’ve made love to about thousand celebrities at this point. I mean, last night I was with the Ms. Meryl Streep. Come on baby.

Deb: I gotta use a prop.

Kurt: Yeah, you can use a prop.

Deb: [in Meryl Streep’s voice] Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, that’s delicious.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: Oh, well, it’s utterly divine.

Kurt: Oh, you’re so talented.

Deb: Oh yeah, it’s like lovely music.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: I finished.

Kurt: There it is. Whoo.

Michael Che: I got a question. Does she do any black ones?

Kurt: No, she does not. But she can do what’s your name? Scarlett Johansson. Do you know her?

Colin Jost: Yes, I do.

Kurt: You know her?

Colin Jost: Yes.

Kurt: Have you seen her? What’s that movie? “Under her skin”?

Colin Jost: I don’t think. I think it’s “Under The Skin”.

Kurt: “Under the skin.” Of course, you know what it’s called, horn dog. Look at you correcting me. 24 minutes 11 seconds, whoo! All right.  Do Scarlett.

Deb: [in Scarlett Johansson’s voice] Hey, I’m married to Colin, but I need a real man.

Kurt: Yeah. Yeah, you do. Why don’t you get over here, Black Widow? Come on, Black Widow. This spider bites, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, thanks. I think we’re good on that one. I just want to point out Kurt, it does seem like Deb kind of does all the work while you just sort of reap the benefits.

Kurt: Okay, yeah. I’m not as good at voices as Deb. But I can’t say like one thing as a few cartoon characters. And Deb, bless her heart, she got into it. Didn’t you?

Deb: I love Little Stewy.

Kurt: You want me to do Little Stewy?

Deb: Uh-huh.

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: What are you gonna do to me, Little Stewy?

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Oh yeah?

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Excellent.

Deb: Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. Now do Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

Kurt: Oh, you want Shaggy? Do you deserve it? Wow. Scoobs. Joinks. Scoob. Joinks.

Colin Jost: All right, thank you so much, Deb and Kurt from Wyoming. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Chris Christie’s Niece Attacks Latino Family, France Gives Out Free Condoms

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Chris Christie’s niece was arrested on a Spirit Airlines flight to Newark after she accused the Latino family of smuggling cocaine, then injured multiple officers by biting them and kicking them in the groin. She has been sentenced to life in the New Jersey Hall of Fame.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of R Kelly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new album from R Kelly was removed from streaming sites several hours after being uploaded, “And it was not easy to remove his streams,” said the maid who cleaned his couch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gorilla at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Christmas. The Los Angeles Zoo announced that Evelyn, a 46 year old grill of famous for her red hair has been euthanized. Not because she was sick, but because it’s LA and she was in her 40s. Okay.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Woman leaves 3 buckets of feces for police’]

This’ll get you back. A woman in Texas allegedly dumped three buckets of human waste in front of a police department and drove away. It’s a rare case of erratic behavior from a lady who poops in a bucket. Also, I want to point out that as disturbing as the story is, it’s not as disturbing as imagining the woman’s drive to the police station with full buckets of feces. Because one speed bump turns her car into a Starbucks bathroom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of condom at right top corner.]

Michael Che: France announced that it will start providing free condoms for people between the ages of 18 and 25. Cool, now do deodorant.

The Holiday Train

James Austin Johnson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people traveling inside a train]

james: Final boarding for whatever the stop is before you get to Buffalo.

Steve: I have heard so much about Buffalo, I can hardly wait to get there.

Cecily: Wow. A real Christmas in Buffalo. It’s finally happening.

Martin: Just like dear old Pepoo and Moomoo used to talk about.

Cecily: They’d be so proud of us.

Steve: Well, minus some of the stuff we’ve done.

Kenan: Well, I’m glad I sat with you three. You seem like a fun group.

Steve: You know what? We are fun. Thank you for noticing that.

Martin: Where are you heading, mister. Are you going to Buffalo too? Or Buffalo three? That’s my buffalo joke that I do often.

Kenan: No, I’m just hanging there on business. The only reason anyone would want to go to Buffalo.

Cecily: Only reason? But it’s the best place to see it.

Kenan: See what?

Martin: Are you messing with us? Snow of course.

Cecily, Steve and Martin: [singing] Snow, snow, snow

Martin: It won’t be long before we’ll be there with snow

Cecily: Snow, I want to wash my hands my hair
and ass with snow

Kenan: Oh, wow. That sounds cold. You must really like snow.

Steve: We don’t know, sir. We’ve never seen it. Not in person anyway.

Snow, I want to go outside and talk to bunch of snow

Cecily: Snow, to kiss a great big man entirely made of snow

Martin: Just kiss? You know you never just kiss.

Cecily: Okay. Yeah, maybe more. I’m just so excited for snow. If I close my eyes. I feel like I can almost see it

[They all stand and dance. The train set changes to a snowing montain.]

All: Where it’s snowing? Oh winter crew
what’s where I want to be
Steve: Snowball eating, that’s what I’ll do

Kenan: Eating?

Martin: Oh, I’m going to sleep all night in the snow.

Kenan: Sleep in the snow? Are you crazy?

Steve: For snow.

Kenan: Now I’m excited for snow.

What is Christmas with no Snow?

Martin: No white Christmas with no snow

All: Snow

Cecily: I’ll wash my hair with snow

Kenan: Why not?

Steve: Fill my underwear with snow

Kenan: If that’s your thing.

Martin: And when I see the snow
I’m gonna know is snow

Kenan: I would hope so.

All: Snow.

Kenan: So you really never seen snow? Where are you from?

Martin: The woods.

Kenan: The woods?

Cecily: Yes.

Kenan: Isn’t there snow there?

Cecily: Oh, tons. But we always sleep through it.

Steve: Otherwise we wouldn’t survive the winter.

Martin: No. Don’t worry about that. That’s why we have all these nuts with us.

Kenan: Oh wow. Nuts?

Cecily: [yelling] Those are ours!

Kenan: Okay. Sorry. Listen, it’s getting late.

I’d love to stay up late with you,
but like to get some
should I go to sleep?
And dream…

[The train background set comes back in]

All: Of snow, snow, snow, snow.

[train bell ringing]

Cecily: Well, that song made me sleepy. You know the rules.

Martin: But if you fall asleep, we break the spell.

Kenan: What’s spell?

Steve: Oh, that we won’t get our Christmas wish. Oh brother.

Kenan: What wish?

James: Aw, I was really hoping they’d make it this time. Those bears make the same Christmas wish every year to turn into humans and ride the train to Buffalo to see snow. But they always fall asleep and Hibernate.

[Kenan is now sitting with three big bears]

Kenan: Bears? What are you talking…? Hey, wake up. It’s snowing outside.

James: Shush. Don’t wake them up. Are you insane? They’ll kill us. They’re bears.

Kenan: Oh. Good point. Well, Merry Christmas bears. [sees nuts] Oh nuts.

Bear: Those are ours!

Steve Martin and Martin Short Monologue

Steve Martin

Martin Short

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin and Martin Short.

[Steve Martin and Martin Short walk in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Martin Short: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good evening, everyone. I’m—

Steve Martin: And I’m Steve Martin.

Martin Short: And we’re so excited—

Steve Martin: And what a thrill it is for us to be hosting Saturday Night Live.

Martin Short: Steve, how many times have you hosted?

Steve Martin: Oh gosh, I haven’t really thought about it. Hit it.

[A counting video of Steve Martin plays which counts him hosting for 16 times]
[cheers and applause]

Martin Short: Wow.

Steve Martin: And how many times have you hosted Marty?

Martin Short: Hit it.

[Similar counting video plays, but it only counts to three]

Steve Martin: I’m kind of in a nostalgia mode. I want to show you one of my favorite photos from my early hosting years. [Cut to a black and white photo] That is me with John Belushi, Dan Ackroyd and Mick Jagger. And right after this photo was taken, we tested positive for everything.

Martin Short: You know, Steve, we are like Harry and Megan. No one’s rooting for us, but you’ll tune in to watch anyway. And what’s been so fabulous this week is getting to know the new cast. And Steve, honestly, I tell you, they love you.

Steve Martin: Really?

Martin Short: Behind your back, the new cast referred to you as ‘a whole entertainer’.

Steve Martin: Oh, that’s sweet.

Martin Short: Well, I added the word ‘entertainer’.

Steve Martin: And I have to say that for me, working with Marty Short is like World Cup soccer. Somehow I just can’t get into it.

Martin Short: We are currently working on the third season of our Hulu series, ‘Only Murders In The Building’. Our show is like Steve at the urinal, it streams for 3Martin Short minutes.

Steve Martin: I know, this is kind of interesting. Every night before the show, Marty and I have a ritual we do to prepare for the evening’s performance. And we were doing it backstage. And I noticed that one of the backstage crew was videotaping us. And I thought, “You know what, that would be interesting to show the audience.” So here is Marty and I are getting ready for tonight’s show.

[Cut to a video of one guy kicking on another guy’s testicles as a martial art]

Martin Short: And can I say, Steve—

Steve Martin: Let them laugh.

Martin Short: Can I say truthfully that I adore working with you. And I just, I hope we can do this forever.

Steve Martin: Well, of course, I thought about that. But I realized you’re not going to live forever. And that is sad because you won’t be able to hear the wonderful things I’m going to say at your memorial. So I thought why wait? So what I did was I wrote up your eulogy, so you can hear it now.

Martin Short: Wow. That is such a coincidence because you know what? I did the same thing. I wrote your eulogy.

Steve Martin: Really?

Martin Short: Yes.

Steve Martin: Well, let’s read them together, shall we?

Martin Short: Why not?

Steve Martin: Could we have some— This is a sad moment. So could you play something sad for us please?

[sad music playing]

Martin Short: No, no, no. Not sad enough. Anything sadder?

[sad music playing]

Steve Martin: No, no no. Do you have something really, really sad?

[music playing and an innocent puppy’s picture appears on the screen]

So Marty, I dedicate this eulogy to you. Wow, not much of a turnout. Marty did not want to be cremated. Too late. But I’ll always be haunted by Marty’s last words, “Tesla Autopilot engage.”

Martin Short: There’s so many great things that I could say about Steve Martin. But this hardly seems the time nor the place. Oh, Steve, you blend overrated white haired son of a bitch. Where’d you go? I know Steve is looking down on us right now because he always looked down on everybody. And yes, I learned so much from Steve. For example, he taught me that you don’t need to restrict a urinal to just number one.

Steve Martin: Even at the end, Marty had a wonderful girlfriend. Smart, beautiful and so realistic. But Marty was always sexually active as long as there were batteries in the house. But Marty was taken away from us too soon, but sadly, not before he played Jack Frost in Santa Claus three.

Martin Short: Oh, Steve. Oh Steve, it’s so hard to look at you in that open casket. Motionless, colorless, stiff, so lifelike. And yet seeing you in your casket reminds me of that classic SNL sketch – ‘Dick in a box’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. The good news is with Steve gone, download should be so much faster on PornHub. People always ask me what Steve was really like, and I’d say, “I don’t know, you’re his wife.” And he was such a great dad. And you could tell that from his children, they’re so polite. You go to his house and they’d say “Would you like anything Mr. Short? Could I get you would drink Mr. Short? Can you give this note to the police Mr. Short?”

Steve Martin: Now that Marty is gone, who will I ever work with?

[Selena Gomez walks in]

Selena Gomez: What about me?

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you tonight. Brandi Carlisle is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Science Room with Steve Martin and Martin Short

Mr. Science…Martin Short

Dr. Science… Steve Martin

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: PBS Kids. At 3:30, Curious George, we on that same old [bleep]. But first, it’s the Science Room.

[Cut to Science Room intro]
[Cut to Dr. Science Mr. Science and Mr. Science Short in the show set]
[cheers and applause]

Mr. Science: [singing] Oh chemistry, oh chemistry
how lovely are thy eye on

Dr. Science: I love that song sodium much. Hey kids, Dr. Science.

Mr. Science: And I’m Mr. Science.

Dr. Science: And what better time than the holidays to learn about the science of snow.

Mr. Science: Helping us out today are today’s Junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh.

Josh: Hi.

Lonnie: Hello.

Mr. Science: Happy holidays guys. Lonnie, what’s your favorite holiday tradition?

Lonnie: Oh, Christmas.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I love Christmas myself. Josh, what do you want for Christmas?

Josh: Oh, to find out what happened to my brother.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I was not expecting that. I thought you’d say you want to skateboard or something, but I’m sure your brother will be fine. But hey, let’s talk about snow.

Dr. Science: Now, what do we know about snow? Well, for one, snow forms inside the big things in the sky called… Lonnie.

Lonnie: Stars.

Mr. Science: No. Josh. Starts with a C.

Josh: Si Senor.

Mr. Science: No, the letter C. It’s a C word.

Lonnie: Oh, no. The C word is bad. We can’t say that.

Mr. Science: No, it’s not the C word. Josh. It’s big. It’s white. It’s puffy. It’s…

Josh: My dad.

Mr. Science: Clouds. Snow forms inside clouds.

Dr. Science: Hey, let’s think before we answer, okay?

Mr. Science: Yes, why not?

Dr. Science: Now, snow forms when it gets so cold that the water vapor inside the cloud does what? Lonnie.

Lonnie: Snows.

Dr. Science: No. It’s how water turns into ice. It starts with an F. Josh.

Josh: Photosynthesis.

Dr. Science: That’s double wrong, Josh. Come on guys starts with an F. Free…

Lonnie: Britney?

Dr. Science: Guys. Freeze. Freeze. [Lonnie and Josh stop moving] No, not you. The word was freeze.

Mr. Science: Just like there are rain storms, there are also snow storms.

Lonnie: True.

Mr. Science: I wasn’t asking, but yes that is true.

Josh: Yeah! [Josh and Lonnie do high five]

Mr. Science: No, you don’t high five each other based on… No don’t. No fist bump either. Just stop it. Stop right now.

Dr. Science: Okay, now, for our experiment today, we’re going to make our own snow storm. Now our snow storm will obviously not be as big as a real one. But even if something small, it can still…

Lonnie: Feel good for the girl.

Dr. Science: I don’t follow this.

Lonnie: Because my sister told me that even if a guy has a small thing, it can still feel good if the guy knows what he’s doing.

Dr. Science: Well, that’s a no. Teach a big lesson, you were very, very wrong.

Mr. Science: Your sister however is very, very right. Now, to do this at home, we’ll need some water and a glass. Baby oil. [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the experiment instruments] No, don’t touch that. Please. Stop it. Stop touching, please. Stop it.

Dr. Science: Make sure to have a grown up help you first. Safety first.

Mr. Science: I have a fun safety joke, Josh. KNOCK, KNOCK.

Josh: Come in.

Mr. Science: No, no. Josh, you say “knock knock who’s there?” Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Who’s there?

Mr. Science: Safety.

Josh: Hi, I’m Josh.

Mr. Science: No, no. Do you know know how this works? You’ve never heard? You say “safety who”. Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Safety who?

[Mr. Science gets so frustrated that he starts strangling the skeleton dummy in the science lab.]

Dr. Science: Hey, hey, hey. Are you okay? Come back. Come back.

Mr. Science: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Dr. Science: Now, we put everything into our glass here except the Alka Seltzer, which we’re going to drop into simulate what happens when cold air meets warm air. Now, get in close guys. Three, two, one. Science. Wow, look. Josh, what’s going on?

Josh: Not much. We have two weeks off for winter break.

Dr. Science: No. Not what’s going on in your life? In here. What’s going on in here? Do you see what I see? What do you see?

Lonnie: Your finger.

Dr. Science: No. Do you see what I see? Something’s going on. Do you see what I see?

Lonnie: [singing] You see what I see
a star, a start,
dancing in the…

Dr. Science: Shut up, you idiots. Look what we made. It’s a it’s a…

Lonnie and Josh: It’s a me Mario.

Mr. Science: No. It’s not a me Mario. Go to commercial.

Dr. Science: I’m gonna turn the camera off.

Please Don’t Destroy – Chelsea

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Chelsea… Sarah Sherman

Courtney… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Ben, John and Martin in their office.]

John: Do you guys remember Chelsea?

Ben: Your ex Chelsea?

John: Yeah.

Ben: Oh, I haven’t thought about her in a while.

Martin: Honestly, when you guys broke up, it was like such early.

Ben: Yeah, she was kind of the worst, man.

Martin: Just like a negative person.

Ben: Like a bad person.

Martin: Yeah, like, whenever she would walk into a room, it would be like “Okay, I guess this room is just gonna suck for a little bit.”

Ben: Sometimes I would have daydreams about her getting stepped on by a giant.

Martin: And she would always have like food all over her shirt like a baby.

Ben: She’d be like, “Oh, does this hot dog belong on my shirt or in my mouth?”

Martin: “Oh, I’m Chelsea. I’m cruel and I smell like a dead guy’s fridge.”

Ben: She stung. She was stinky.

Martin: She was like pond scum. Like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Ben: A sewer runoff. Yes. Ew. Chelsea. Why? What’s up with Chelsea?

John: We got back together.

Ben: You did?

John: And she’s right here.

[Chelsea is sitting on the couch right beside them]

Ben: Chelsea. It is so good to see you. John, what the hell? So you guys serious or casual?

Chelsea: John just proposed, wedding’s in June.

Ben: Love it.

Martin: I can’t wait to meet the fam.

John: You already did. They’re watching on Zoom.

[The whole family is on Zoom group call]

Ben: What’s up family? Y’all don’t seem too happy with me.

Dad: Anyone talks crap about my daughter, I’ll hunt you down and I swear to God…

[Ben closes the computer]

Ben: Close out of that one.

Martin: Hey Chelsea, do you remember the stuff we were talking about earlier?

Chelsea: I do.

Martin: You do? Well, we were actually talking about John’s other ex, Courtney.

Ben: Yes, Courtney was the one who was like a fugly nerd.

[Cortney is also sitting on the couch]

Courtney: Wow.

Ben: Courtenay. Good to see ya.

Martin: Look, we didn’t mean to insult you guys.

John: Really? You didn’t mean to insult them? Stenographer, read back the Rebecca remarks please?

[There’s a stenographer in front of the door]

Stenographer: She was like pond scum, like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Martin: Where are all of you coming from?

Ben: Get out of my office, you weiordo.

Steve Martin: Don’t talk to her that way. That’s my wife.

Ben: What? That’s your wife?

Steve Martin: No, it isn’t, but it doesn’t matter. You two are fugly on the inside.

Martin: Steve, come on. You’re our favorite host.

Martin Short: Favorite host?

Ben: Damn it.

Martin Short: I’m telling Michael Che.

Michael Che: Not cool, guys.

Ben: Che?

Martin: Why were back there?

Michael Che: What is my number one rule about SNL?

Ben: ABC rule.

Michael Che: That’s right. ABC. Always be kind. You broke that rule. So Martin, you’re fired.

Martin: What? Just me? Why? Ben’s the one who started this.

John: Can you not talk about Ben that way? He’s right here.

[Ben is now sitting between John, Chelsea and Courtney.]

Ben: That’s really not cool, man.

Martin: Oh my god.

Steve Martin: Come on everybody, but Martin. Let’s go back to my apartment. You can all take one thing home with you.

All: Yay.

Martin: Now I’m all alone. And it’s Christmas.

[Chelsea’s dad walks in]

Dad: You talk crap about my daughter? You dead.

[Starring Sarah Sherman’s Real Dad]

Minky

Jen Fonger-Ghang… Heidi Gardner

Minky Carmichael… Martin Short

Sarah Sherman

Punkie Johnson

Jada… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro of ‘How You Treat Your Man’ with Minky Carmichael]
[Cut to Jen in show set]

Jen: Ladies, let’s give it up for the King of the 90s, a man that keeps us in line and looking fine, Minky Carmichael.

[Minky walks in]

Minky: Wow. I’m feeling good. I am feeling good. Welcome to How To Treat your man with me Minkee Carmichael. The show to give advice to other fine females in there looking to land a man and keep his ass. As always, I’m joined by my sidekick, the beautiful Jen Fonger-Ghang.

Jen: I love Minky and I hate foolish women. I started drinking early.

Minky: Yes, you did. Now, would you look at all the beautiful ladies in the audience tonight? Who don’t know a damn thing about how to treat their man. Hit it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

Minky: Now, that’s how it is.

Jen: This is my church and Minky is my Priest.

Minky: That’s 100% true. Now, who’s got a question for me?

[The women in the audience are raising their hands]

Minky: Okay, white girl with a little head.

Sarah: Oh, me? Oh, okay. Well, hi Minky. So, after a first day, I didn’t sleep with the guy, right? Because I didn’t want to seem loose. But now he’s not calling me back. What did I do wrong?

Minky: Hmm. Let me consult with my relationship calculator. You went on a date. You didn’t put out. And that equals – Of course he’s not calling back. Hit it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

And that’s just how it is.

Sarah: Oh, come on, Minky.

Jen: He said what he said. Shut up.

Minky: Next question.

Ego: Minky, hi. Here’s what’s up. I was on a date and found porno in this guy’s VCR. Is that a red flag? What should I do?

Minky: Girl The only VCR I care about is a very cool rack. Slam it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

Jen: And that’s what? Just how it is.

Minky: That’s 100% true. Next.

Punkie: Hi, Mickey. Hi, um, here’s my problem. So I was flirting with this guy. And he gave me his number. But I never called him. Does that make me a bad person?

Minky: Uh, yep. Slam it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

I’ve never felt better my life. Next.

Jada: Yes. Hi everyone. I’m Jada.

Minky: No, no, no.

Jada: And I went on a date with Minky Carmichael.

Minky: Can we cut her mic?

Jada: Okay. And I gotta say, he had the worst penis I’ve ever seen.

Minky: Yeah, cut her mic now.

Jada: Now, I’m not trying to be mean but it looks like an espresso cup.

Minky: Man, she’s crazy. That is not 100% True. Anyone else have a question?

Ego: Yeah, I have a question. What was so horrible about Minky’s thing?

Jada: Okay, well the length was okay. Just felt like there was nothing inside.

Sarah: What do you mean by that?

Jada: Okay, like at certain point, he asked me “Do you want me to close it?”

Punkie: Oh, hold up? What was there to close?

Jada: I don’t know. But I would definitely describe it as open, like hollow, like a piece of penne.

Jen: Hey, Minky, sounds like you’re packing the worm from Dune.

Minky: You know what? Let me consult my bull crap detecting computer.

Jada: Hold up, Minky, because looks like I’m getting the fax. Oh my god, it’s from the penis hospital. They say you need an emergency appointment. Slam it.

[music playing]

Minky: No, I’m the one who slams it. You don’t slam it.

Jen: Oh, I’m hearing from the producers that we are out of time and canceled. Which means I gotta go back and finish high school. Bye y’all.

Father of the Bride

George… Steve Martin

Annie… Heidi Gardner

Diane Keaton… Chloe Fineman

Martin Short… Franck

Bowen Yang

Selena Gomez

[Starts with a video clip of a beautiful house]

Male voice: This is our home. 24 Maple drive. We bought it when Annie was in grammar school. She even got married here. So many memories.

[Cut to Steve looking outside the window.]

Heidi: Hey, daddy.

Steve: Is that my beautiful daughter?

Heidi: Guess what? I’m engaged again.

Male voice: Father of the Bride, Part 8. Three decades and seven divorces later, Annie’s back and ready to give marriage an 8th shot.

Steve: Annie, what makes you think I can afford an 8th dancy Meyers style wedding? I’m financially drained.

Heidi: But daddy, I’m your little girl.

Steve: You’re 52. Your mom started driving for Lyft to pay your last wedding.

Chloe: Well, jeez. Okay, so did someone say mom?

Male voice: Diane Keaton is back. And more Diane Keaton than ever. She’s an icon in beige. And we’re here for her.

Steve: So who the hell is planning this thing? Don’t tell me… Oh my god, don’t tell me it’s…

[Martin and Bowen walks in]

Martin: Hello. Oh my favorite. Look at you. Hello George.

Steve: No, not again, Franck. I can’t do this, Howard.

Bowen: Hi, George. You still have an outstanding balance from the 5th wedding. You owe me fro the shrimp tower and the two performances by Nicki Minaj.

Heidi: Oh, daddy, can we get Nikki again?

Martin: Of course, now, this is fantastic [unintelligible]. And if you don’t have that, you don’t know what you’re doing, George.

George: What?

Male voice: That’s right. Martin Short is back as the beloved wedding planner Franck, doing the accent that I think is still okay. Let’s all agree that it’s okay.

Franck: So Anne, you’re looking a little used goods. This is fantastic news. Because these are not… I’ve seen bigger lumps in oatmeal. So put them together and make one good one or do something or get the fake one. Whatever you do, it look lovely. But I think you need a little plucking, a little pumping, a little tugging and maybe down there a little, you know, procedure.

Steve: Oh, are you suggesting I pay for my daughter’s vaginal rejuvenation?

[Carrie walks in]

Carrie: Eww. Can we not talk about my sister’s privates right now? I feel like I might blow chunks.

Male voice: Did you forget Carrie Colton was in this movie. So did we. And so did he. But he was. And now he’s on succession. So good for him. And it wouldn’t be a wedding without the whole family there.

Carrie: My sister in a wedding dress? Gross to the max. Oh, by the way, no cake for me. I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Franck: But she’s so beautiful. What that mature brain.

Steve: You really are beautiful, Anne, my little girl. My little menopausal girl.

Franck: This is so nice. Father with the bride. But time for the big surprise. Your wedding performer.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

Selena: Hi. What’s up? I’m the wedding singer.

Heidi: My god. Selena Gomez. You’re even more beautiful in real life.

Selena: I know. Thanks.

George: Franck, how much is she gonna cost me

Selena: 1.8 million, easy.

Franck: Oh, come on George, singing to everybody. Let’s sing.

All: Every party has a pooper,
that’s why we invited you,
party pooper!