Weekend Update- Supreme Court Dismisses Election Fraud Cases

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Micahel Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Micahel Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Guys, I got to be honest. I’m beginning to think that Donald Trump didn’t win this election. This week the supreme court dismissed two different Trump law suits to overturn the election results. They were the first rulings by the supreme court that were just the eye-roll emoji. Don’t worry, Trump isn’t throwing in the towel because he has been a fighter his whole life. At least that’s what it looks like on his brain scans. [Picture changes to a brain scan with many injuries.] I just love how the media telling us, “Okay, this time it’s over.” Nothing is ever over as long as Donald Trump can make money off it. Even when he dies, his tombstone is just going to have his Venmo info. Also, he’s a billionaire and he keeps asking his supporters for $5. Isn’t that just sad? It’s like saying “For the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can help a desperate old man pretend he’s still president.”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of a gavel and a map of Texas at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Yes, that’s sweet. The Texas lawsuit asked the supreme court to invalidate election results in four other states, which is a plan so crazy only Texas would try to execute it. many black doctors are saying that they are having a hard time convincing their patience to take the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, which is weird because Moderna vaccine is my favorite Tyler Perry character.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a online news that says “Biden promises 100 million shots in 100 days” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President elect Joe Biden has emphasized his commitment to vaccine distribution by promising 100 million shots in 100 days, which is also his botox routine. Biden probably would have gotten those doses to us sooner, but Trump administration rejected several opportunities to acquire an additional 100 million doses of of the Pfizer vaccine. Why? Who at any point this year thought, “We have too much vaccine?” What the hell are you priority? You don’t have a money for life saving vaccines but you can start up a space army? It’s like the captain of the Titanic while it’s going down saying, “You guys want to start a space army?”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of William Barr at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Insiders are saying that Attorney General and all grown up Eric Cartman [from South Park] , William Barr is considering resigning after a contentious meeting with president Trump because if there’s one thing Bill Barr won’t stand for, it’s more than a few minutes at a time.

Weekend Update- Melissa Villaseñor on Christmas and Dolly Parton

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s simply no denying it guys, it’s the holiday season. Here with some of her favorite Christmas albums is our own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in. She is dressed like Dolly Parton.]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. Hey, Colin. I’m so excited to be here to talk about Christmas music.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Melissa, I’m a little nervous to ask you this but are you dressed as Dolly Parton?

Melissa Villaseñor: What? No. This is my special Christmas outfit. [pointing at her breasts] And these are my regular big old things. I’m here to talk about Christmas.

Colin Jost: Are you sure? I’m just asking because you’ve been trying to get your Dolly Parton impression on the show for a while now.

Melissa Villaseñor: No. I’m 100% just here to sing Christmas songs. Okay?

Colin Jost: Alright. What are some of your favorites?

Melissa Villaseñor: Mm. It’s a tough one, but definitely Holly Jolly Christmas. It’s so joyful. Here, I’ll sing it.

[music playing]
[singing in Dolly Parton’s voice] Have a Holly Jolly Christmas
it’s the best time of the year
now I don’t know if there’ll be snow
but have a cup of cheer

Oh, I just love Christmas.

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s great, but you were just doing a Dolly Parton impression.

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey buddy, eyes up here. [telling Colin to stop staring at her breasts and look at her eyes.]

Colin Jost: What are you pointing down for?

Melissa Villaseñor: You know another song I really like? Jingle Bells, okay? What a classic. Right? It goes like this.

[music playing]
[singing in Dolly Parton’s voice like the song “Jolene”] Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells all the way
I’m begging of you please don’t take Jolene

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not how Jingle Bells goes and it’s also not really how Jolene goes. Melissa, just if you want to do Dolly song, just be up front with me.

Melissa Villaseñor: [pointing at her breasts] I am being extremely upfront. I almost had trouble walking out here. Okay, fine. Yeah. News flash. I want to be Dolly. Who doesn’t? She’s the coolest. She’s a great singer. She writes her own songs. She donated $1 million to the vaccine. plus, there’s a new story this week that she saved a kid from getting hit by a car. Which made me mad because I was speeding up to hit him. Kidding. Alright. Look. I’ll sing you one actual Christmas song. A real one this time. Okay? Growing up, my family and I, we would go to mass, midnight mass which was in Latin. This was my hymn.

[music playing]

Colin Jost: Melissa, I know what this is.

Melissa Villaseñor: [singing] Working 9 to 5
What a way to make a livin’
Barely gettin’ by
It’s all takin’ and no givin’
They just use your mind
Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: I’m not coming to work next week. [pointing at her breasts] I’m going to get big thing.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Jay-Z’s Marijuana Line & New Space Force Bases

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jay-Z and a leaf of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jay-Z has launched a line of cannabis products called “Monogram”. So, just a quick reminder to all the women that told me I need to grow up, Beyonce is married to a 50 year old weed guy. So, god ain’t done with me yet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pence at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Mike Pence who looks like a polar bear went to work, announced that the first two space force bases would be set up in Florida. I assume at TomorrowLand and EpCon Center.

[Picture changes to a lion]

Officials at Barcelona zoo revealed that four lions at the facility tested positive for coronavirus. Even more shocking, it’s because they attended the Hasidic wedding.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Joe Biden and Marcia Fudge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Joe Biden has nominated representative Marcia Fudge as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Fudge lives in Ohio but is originally from around the corner of Milk Milk Lemonade. It’s a thinker.

[Picture changes to Harrison Ford]

It was announced that Harrison Ford will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie. Unfortunately, it’s called “Indiana Jones and the Tome of the Jamaican Nurse.” I’m sorry.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of online news that says “900 customers pay for people behind them” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Customers at Dairy Queen at Minnesota set up a chain reaction of paying for the customer behind them in the drive through that lasted for more than 900 people. It’s an inspiring story that ended with one guy being like, “Nope. I’m good.”

[Picture changes to an online news that says “Baby forn from 27 year old embryo]

Doctors say that a woman has given birth to a baby that came from an embryo frozen 27 years ago. Said the baby, “You picked this year?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of online news that says “Astronomers: galaxy not as black as thought” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study by astronomers finds that the galaxy is not as black as previously thought after it was seen dating a white lady.

Weekend Update- Dr. Wenowdis on the COVID-19 Vaccine

Colin Jost

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the FDA advisory panel voted to recommend emergency authorization of the Pfizer vaccine. Here to comment is Weekend Update’s resident medical expert Wayne

[Dr. Wayne Wenowdis slides in]

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Ae-yo! Hello.

Colin Jost: Hello, Dr. Wenowis. Great. Now, you are obviously a very distinguished member of your field.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We know this.

Colin Jost: Yes. We’re so glad you’re here because people are really excited about the vaccine but they also have a lot of questions about it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um-hmm. We know this.

Colin Jost: Right. This is a first vaccine from Pfizer.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We know this.

Colin Jost: And it’s 95% effective?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um. We love this.

Colin Jost: Okay, great. There’s no major side effects?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, we’re horny for this.

Colin Jost: And the first doses are going to be delivered within days.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um-hmm. We know this. We see this. We love this. We know this. We know this.

Colin Jost: Right. And just to clarify for the viewers, are you saying “We know this”? Or are you just sort of repeating your own name? Sort of like Pikachu?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: It’s a little bit of both, baby.

Colin Jost: Okay. I got you. Americans I think are wondering when they can get it and what the distribution will look like.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Okay. Listen to me. The thing about this vaccine. We know this that we have this. But everything else about the vaccine, who to get this, when we get this, how we get this, we don’t know this.

Colin Jost: Right. Then, even when we’re going to have the vaccine, the third American say they might not take it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Right. Right. In general we thought with this pandemic, we didn’t do good. It could have been better. But it actually could not have been worse. I don’t know how we do this but we blow this.

Colin Jost: Yes. You might be right. We always appreciate your insight, Dr. Wenodis.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Thank you so much. But before I go, I give you the vaccine live on the air.

Colin Jost: Oh. I don’t know if I should be one of the first ones to get it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, no. Come on. You’re so handsome.

Colin Jost: Okay, you’re right.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: [pulls out a huge injection without needle filled with water.] Come on vaccine. Oh! [sprays the water on Colin Jost’s face] Come on vaccine. It’s a vaccine. We got lots of vaccine.

Colin Jost: Kate? Are you okay?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: The answer is no.

Colin Jost: I’m very sorry to hear that.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: I think what it is is I stopped going to therapy because I’m really bad on the phone. I do too many pauses. I told her, “Maybe every other week” and then I blocked her number. It’s just like the light at the end of the tunnel has showed us how stinky and bad the tunnel is. It’s like, how will the vaccine get to everybody? We don’t know this. Will we have enough? We don’t know this. Will life ever really go back to normal? This, we do not know this. But what we do know for certain, Colin, is that we know nothing.

Colin Jost: Kate, I know that it feels like it’s going to be forever.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Uh-huh. Yes.

Colin Jost: But as Florence as well as Machine once said, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” We’re going to get through this together.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We’re going to get what?

Colin Jost: We’re going to get through this.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We know this.

Colin Jost: Dr. Wenowdis

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We’re gonna get through this. We gotta get thorough this.

Tiny Horse

Randall… Beck Bennett

Abigail… Heidi Gardner

Ernest… Timothée Chalamet

[Starts with ‘The Farm’ video bumper.]
[Cut to a man looking at his past due bills]

Randall: Aw, the hell with it, Abigail. There’s nothing we can do.

Abigail: It’s okay, Randall. We will figure this out together.

[their son walks in]

Ernest: Pa?

Abigail: Ernest, go to sleep, sweetie.

Ernest: What’s the matter, Pa?

Abigail: Ernest! Listen to your mother. It’s a grown up talk.

Ernest: Well, I’m grown up ain’t I? You can trust me with the hogs, you can trust me with the truth.

Randall: We’re selling the farm, boy. The land, the barn, all of it.

Ernest: But pa, what about the animals? We’re not going to sell the animals, right pa?

Randall: Sorry, boy. They have to go. They all have to go.

[Cut to Ernest sitting on a farm truck.]

Ernest: [singing] It’s extra quiet in the farm tonight
and I’m feeling so alone
Cause today I’m losing my friend

Yes today, I’m gonna lose my only friend

[Ernest opens a small box. A small tiny hors walks out of the box.]

There he is, my tiny horse (neigh)
And he’s going away, yeah
They’re taking him away from me, yeah

There he is, my tiny horse (neigh)
He’s extra tiny today, yeah
But they’re taking him away from me, yeah
Tiny horse
[Ernest puts the horse on the floor]
You’re free now, boy. Go on. [the horse does not leave] Didn’t you hear me? I said you’re free. Now run. Come on, you dumb horse. I said get! [The tiny horse is getting upset. Emotional music playing in the background.] Run if you know it’s good for you. Get! Get! Go on. [The horse starts running away.] Get, you filthy horse! Go! Come on! Get! Go on! Get. Go on. Get. Go on, boy. Hey, get! Don’t come back. You hear? I never even wanted you, so don’t come back because I certainly won’t be looking. Just promise me one thing. Do great things. I know you will.

[Cut to Animal University. The tiny horse is wearing convocation hat.]

Male voice: And your valedictorian is tiny horse.

[Cut to tiny horse speech with Joe Biden. Then there’s tiny horse’s name on hall of fame. Tiny horse on front page of People magazine marrying AOC. Tiny horse is in Jimmy Fallon show also.]
[Cut back to Ernest singing for his horse]
Ernest: There he is, my tiny horsе
He’s extra tiny today, yeah
But thеy’re taking him away from me, yeah
Tiny horse

[Randall walks to Ernest]

Randall: Boy, good news. I got a loan and we’re keeping the farm.

Ernest: What?

Randall: It turns out you can keep your tiny horse after all.

Ernest: Really? [the tiny horse looks at Ernest with hopeful eyes.] No, pa. I can’t. That tiny horse was never mine to begin with. That tiny horse belongs to the world. [looking to the tiny horse] Go on, boy. Get.

[The tiny horse gets on a real horse and goes away]

He’s gonna do great things, right pa?

Randall: Sure he will, son. You just know it.

Timothée Chalamet Monologue

Timothée Chalamet

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Timothée Chalamet.

[Timothée Chalamet walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Timothée Chalamet: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Timothée Chalamet and it’s a huge honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live in New York city. Man, I’m so happy to be here. I’m from New York. I live in New York. I actually grew up in an arts building in Hells Kitchen about 12 minutes from here. [cheers and applause] Hells Kitchen crowd. Alright. Before I was born, my mom was a dance teacher, but on occasion she would do background work on Saturday Night live. In fact, we have a clip of her in Dana Carvey and Chris Farley’s sketch, “Massive Head Wound Harry.”

[Cut to a clip from the sketch “Massive Head Wound Harry” where Timothée Chalamet is at the background.]
[Cut back to 1]

Yes! That’s my mom. She almost got spit on by Chris Farley. She’s the reason I’m alive. She’s reason I have an acting career. Mom, I love you. I think she’s right there.

[Cut to Timothée Chalamet’s mom at the audience]
[cheers and applause]
[Cut back to 1]

And no matter where I go, I’ll always be a New York city kid at heart. Especially at Christmas.

[Timothée Chalamet walks to a piano.]

Sorry about that. I’ll play a little song if that’s alright with you guys. It’s nothing like Christmas in New York when you grew up here. Ice skating on the Hudson. Sledding down the side of the Chrysler building. Leaving cookies for Santa in the bathroom at the port of 30 bus terminal. I had my first New Year’s eve kiss with Mr. Met’s daughter, Stacy Met. Sweet girl, big head. The city was my playground and the subway was my babysitter. Nothing like eating Cheetos on the F train on Christmas eve. Umm. You eat a handful, and you hold the pole. Then you lick your fingers. I miss that. Playing hide and seek in Grand Central and never seeing any of your friends ever again. I went to La Guardia. [cheers and applause] Not the school. The airport. I know all the boroughs. Brooklyn, Queens and Boca Raton. Ah! New York! The city’s so nice, they named it New York. And we got another New York city kid on cast. Hey! Look who it is. It’s Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson joins Timothée Chalamet]

Pete Davidson: Hello everybody. Timothée, you smell great.

Timothée Chalamet: Oh, thanks man. Pete, you ss-smell.

Pete Davidson: Cool. Now look, I’m not from that New York. I’m from Staten Island.

Timothée Chalamet: Well, what were your Christmases like?

Pete Davidson: Oh! A Staten Island Christmas. Skiing across the Verrazzano bridge. Hearing Santa come down the chimney and realizing it’s just rats. Decorating our Christmas tree with spaghetti and scratch offs. We don’t leave Santa cookies and milk. We leave them bud light and a white cloth. Yes, that was a Staten Island Christmas.

Timothée Chalamet: Okay, slightly different. But still, that’s New York, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love you, Staten Island.

Timothée Chalamet: And I love you New York city. Hey, we got a great show. Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Sportsmax

Robert King… Alex Moffat

Drew Matarazo… Beck Bennett

Deluca… Timothée Chalamet

Delvekio… Pete Davidson

Daniel Pryer… Kyle Mooney

Rico… Andrew Dismukes

Chicky Stix… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: Great news! Millions of real Americans are switching from Fox News to NewsMax because NewsMax tells them the truth, that Donald Trump could still win this election. And because of our recent success, we’re launching SportsMax. SportsMax is a network for real Jets fans, giving you the truth about America’s favorite football team.

[Cut to Robert King in his set]

Robert King: Now, a lot of mainstream sports networks like ESPN are saying that the Jets have not won a single game this year, that they’re 0-12.

Drew Matarazo: Which is very interesting because the truth is the Jets have already won 11 games this season.

Robert King: Sure. Sure. Take us through that.

Drew Matarazo: Yes, no problem. My pleasure. Now, the experts tell you that the Jets lost to the Bills, 18-10 back in October. Sound like a done deal, right? No. Not so fast. I say go close to look at the numbers. If we dig in here, we’ll see that after the first quarter, the Jets were winning the game 3-0. Then something very vicious happened. Right? The bills started all the points out of god knows where. Either it’s Jets won this game three to nothing or this whole game’s rigged.

Male voice: Finally, a network that understands that real fans don’t give up on their team. No matter what. SportsMax gives you inside analysis from Jetsperts, Deluca and Delvekio.

[Deluca and Delvekio join Robert King. Delvekio has a plate of fries in front of him.]

Robert King: Ha-ha. Now, it’s been reported that on November Drew Matarazo9th, the Jets lost to the Dolphins 20-3.

Deluca: Says who?

Robert King: I mean, that’s how they scored it.

Delvekio: Oh. Who did it? Who did the score?

Robert King: The NFL.

Deluca: Oh, the NFL. Oh! Oh!

Delvekio: Oh! Okay.

Deluca: Listen. I have in my hand right here sworn affidavits from 500 Jets fans who swear they witnessed the Jets win.

Delvekio: But let me tell you something. There’s 8 million Jets fans out there. 8 million. They have nothing to gain by lying about this.

Deluca: Wait. Hold on. You’re gonna tell me 8 million hard working fans that the Jets didn’t actually beat the Dolphins 90 to nothing?

Robert King: I would never do that.

Delvekio: Yes. Because you’re smart. [pointing at the fries] Hey, you’re gonna eat this?

Deluca: No, you can have that. Let’s look at this logically, okay?

Delvekio: Okay.

Deluca: Only a really bad team would only score three points in a football game. The Jets are the greatest team ever. So, something’s not adding up here.

Delvekio: You see? The whole house of cards collapses.

Deluca: Long story short, the Jets are going to Super Bowl. That’s a promise.

Delvekio: Place your bets now, people.

Male voice: SportsMax has football your way. All our re-broadcast games are guaranteed to end in a Jets win. And players on our network never kneel for the national anthem. We’ve made sure of that. And on game day, be sure to check in with our team at WeatherMax.

[Cut to Daniel Pryer. He is out side and it’s snowing.]

Daniel Pryer: Guys, the weather couldn’t be better here at Met Life stadium. Sunny and 68. A beautiful day for some Jets football.

Male voice: And tune in this Sunday for our SportsMax special crossover event, The New York Knicks: 100 years of nothing but greatness. With self-appointed Knicks historians, Rico and Chicky Stix.

Chicky Stix: Now, a lot of people say Michael Jordan is the greatest of all time or maybe LeBron James. But if you look at a random samples, say of the four days in 2012? It’s clearly Jeremy Lin.

Rico: That’s right. He’s the greatest of all time. That’s why he’s the new face of Space Jam by Smucker’s. The insanity never stops.

Male voice: SportsMax, this is gonna work.

Rap Roundtable

Nunya Bizness… Ego Nwodim

Ms. Queen Latifah… Punkie Johnson

Questlove

GuapLord… Pete Davidson

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta… Timothée Chalamet

[Starts with XXL Rap RoundTable video bumper]
[Cut to Nunya Bizness in the set.]

Nunya Bizness: What’s up and welcome to XXL 2020 for the culture RoundTable. I’m Nunya Bizness and today, we’ve got a distinguish panel to celebrate the unstoppable global force that is hiphop today. First up, a pioneer and trail blazer, Ms. Queen Latifah.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Okay, I see you. Ladies first. Uh-huh. I like that.

Nunya Bizness: Next up, we got hiphop historian DJ and legendary drummer of the Roots Crew, Questlove.

Questlove: Thank you. Thank you. Happy to be here, Nunya. Thank you.

Nunya Bizness: And finally, fresh off breaking the record for most streams on SoundCloud, rap duo Xam Mob, a.k.a. Gwap Lord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta.

GuapLord: Yee, yee. Skrri, skrri.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Say yee!

GuapLord: Yee!

Nunya Bizness: Thank you all. Thank you all. Let’s get started. It’s 2020. What does hiphop represent today?

Ms. Queen Latifah: I mean, at this point, it’s the culture. Period. We took over the world with the power of our sound.

Questlove: Absolutely. From the block parties of the 80s in the Boogie Down Bronx, to the protest movements of today, hiphop is about the lyrical tradition of America.

GuapLord: Nah. See, like, for me, foe me, it’s about that yee-yee!

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Nah, I feel like yee. Somewhat.

Nunya Bizness: I’m sorry. The yee? Could you say more?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Um, when she skrr on you, you just gotta yee on her.

GuapLord: Yeah. Like, yee-yee. Groor! Groor!

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: That’s hiphop.

GuapLord: On gong!

Nunya Bizness: Right. Well, the two confident white boys raise an interesting point. The sound has changed.

Ms. Queen Latifah: I mean, has it though? At the end of the day, it’s still drum and bass. Still an MC.

Questlove: Queen’s right. The MC is what sets hiphop apart. The poetry. The story. The truth.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yeah, I feel that. But, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But, what about the yee?

Nunya Bizness: I’m sorry. You’re going to have to speak in full setences.

GuapLord: I got you. You know, like, when she got that thang all up in your face, you’re not gonna yee?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Bro! Yeah, men gotta yee! On your face!

Nunya Bizness: Okay. We’re talking about music.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I feel that. But the yee got it boy. Like, I’m talking about my boy Tash from way back. He got Gwap. I’m like, “Damn, man!”

GuapLord: Skrr, skrr.

Nunya Bizness: Okay. I can’t make heads or tails of this nonsense.

Questlove: Okay. I think we’re on the same page here. You’re talking about the party side of hiphop. Like the dancing, the yee’ting.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Hold up. You ever seen Yo Gaba Gaba?

Questlove: Yeah. One episode like, 10 years ago.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Damn bro. Respect. You’re a legend for that one, fam.

GuapLord: Damn. That’s the woop-tie.

Nunya Bizness: No, it’s not. It’s not the woop-tie. Stop.

Ms. Queen Latifah: You know, I’m just very, very curious. Like, what got ya’ll into this? Who are your influences?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I like Fall Out Boys.

Nunya Bizness: How about rappers?

GuapLord: I would like to say the Car Rats.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I like Car Rats.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Who are Car Rats?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Remember? The rats were rapping and driving in a commercial?

Questlove: Wait. You mean the Kia hamsters?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yee, yee, yee.

GuapLord: Skrr. Skrr.

Nunya Bizness: Uh-huh. Okay. So, no rappers then.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I mean, I like TikTok.

Nunya Bizness: Okay. Now I get it. You heard about rap from TikTok?

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yeah.

Nunya Bizness: Right. Well, that’s just an upsetting thing to hear.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Well, look. No disrespect, but that’s not the culture. That’s just an off shoe.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: My last song got 3 billion streams bro.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Billion? With a ‘B’?

Nunya Bizness: Alright. What could you possibly made that got 3 billion streams?

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yee!

Nunya Bizness: You have a song called “Yee”?

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yeah.

Nunya Bizness: Is that your only song?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Well, we supposed to have other songs?

GuapLord: We could do a remix I guess.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: We’re gonna do a remix I think.

Questlove: Okay, look. There’s space for all of us. I mean, hiphop is constantly evolving and I have respect for y’all for doing your own thing.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Na, na, na. See, okay, hold up. You’re gonna respect this. Check it. [GuapLord plays the music]

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yee, yee, skrr, yee, skrr, yee, skrr, skrr, skrr, roll up, yee, drop that, yee, skrr that, yee, pump that, ay, ay, ay.

GuapLord: You never loved me mom
but I needed you wo-o-o

[Questlove slaps GuapLord on his face]

Questlove: No! No! You sing like that on a rap record, man. You understand? Argh! I’m sorry. I apologize.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yo, chill, bro. Come on!

Questlove: Chill? [Questlove punches SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta on his face] Dumb ass! Pissing me off. I’m sorry.

Nunya Bizness: No. I mean, you don’t need to be sorry. It’s okay. It’s what we all wanted to do. Let’s take a break. [to GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta] Are you guys alright?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Hey, dad. Can you come get us? Everyone here is super mean.

Holiday Baking Championship 2020

Host… Alex Moffat

Louisa… Lauren Holt

William… Timothée Chalamet

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Beck Bennett, Cecily Strong

[Starts with a show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Holiday Baking Championship on the Food Network.

[Cut to the set. There are four contestants and one host. The contestants have covered their cakes with a present boxes.]

Host: Alright, bakers. Today’s challenge was ‘holiday wishes’ where you had two hours to make the cake of your holiday dreams. First up before the judges is home baker Louisa.

Louisa: Merry Christmas, your honors.

Ego: No, Louis, we’re not that kind of judges.

Louisa: Phew! Ha-ha-ha.

Beck: Okay. Why don’t you tell us about your cake?

Louisa: Thank you. Growing in Texas, snow is a rarity. [explain her dream cake] So, I dreamt of a winter wonderland made of peppermint butter cream. It looks like Mr. Elf has taken a day off from his shelf with his taffy skis and coconut lime ski hat.

Cecily: That’s so cute, Louisa. And I loved the sense emotion. Are you ready to show us?

Louisa: I am. [Louisa reveals her cake. It looks really bad.] I messed up. It’s bad.

Ego: Oh, no. What happened? Did you get too ambitious?

Louisa: Yeah. Bit off more than I could chew and then I choked on that bite, and then I threw up this.

Beck: And the legs?

Louisa: Are a plastic baby doll. I am sorry.

Cecily: Should we taste it?

Louisa: As long as you’re not allergic to mustard. I failed.

Host: Wow. Not a great start. But next up is amateur college student, William.

William: Hi, judges.

Cecily: Hi, William. I love your hat. Why don’t you tell us about yourself?

William: Well, ma’am, , I shouldn’t even be here today because, well, two years ago I was hit by a car.

Cecily: You poor thing. Hit by a car?

William: Yes, ma’am. I got in a fight with Lightening McQueen at Disney World. Yeah. In my defense, I was drunk.

Beck: Why don’t you just tell us about your Christmas wish?

William: Well, my Christmas wish is, I wanted diversity and peace. So, I made a cake with Santas around the world. El Nino Dios from Mexico, Baba Noel from Afghanistan and Hoeiosho from Japan.

Ego: Oh my goodness. That’s maybe the most inspired design concept we’ve had on the show.

Cecily: I know. I’m tearing up just a little bit thinking about it. Can we see it?

William: Oh, yes. Of course. [William reveals his cake. It looks bad. It looks like a butt hole.] Oh no. God! It didn’t work.

Beck: Oh my god! What is that?

William: I don’t know. I put it in the oven and it came out like this.

Ego: Can we show that cake on TV?

William: What do you mean?

Beck: Well, it looks like– Well, it looks like one of two things.

William: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Beck: Why is it puckering?

[The cake is moving]

William: I think maybe it needs to go outside.

Beck: What? No. I don’t like that. Next.

Host: Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us about your cake.

Sandy: Well, my Christmas wish was also of unity. [Sandy just reveals her cake. It looks really great.] I made a cake depicting children from all over the world singing around the tree. Tada! What do you think?

Cecily: [not giving much credit for the work] Oh, it’s cute.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: That’s it? That’s what you’re going to say?

Ego: It’s just kind of busy. My eye doesn’t know where to go.

Beck: I say you kind of copied William’s concept.

Sandy: Well, he didn’t even make it.

William: Oh, no! [Brown stuff starts coming out of the ‘butt hole’ of William’s cake.]

Cecily: What’s happening?

William: I don’t know. I think the chocolate lava cider maybe got too hot. I don’t know. My life is cursed and so is this cake.

Sandy: Ew! I see corn.

William: That’s a marshmallow. Grow up.

Host: Okay. Well, last but not least is Ralph. Ralph, I’m thinking this one’s your’s to lose, pal. What was your Christmas wish?

Ralph: My wish is for something you don’t see every Christmas. But when you do, oh boy! Is it special.

Ego: Alright. Let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. It has a penis on it.]

Beck: So, it’s a Christmas turkey?

Ralph: No, sir. It’s penis and balls of course.

Beck: Got it. Nice job.

Sandy: Nice job?

William: Oh god! Help. It’s got me. [William’s hands are getting sucked inside the cake]

Cecily: Wow. Well, we have another tough decision to make.

Beck: Yes. But not Sandy, right?

Host: We’ll be back with the judge’s decision right after this.

William: Oh, no. Seriously, I need help guys. Please.

Dr. Fauci & Dr. Birx Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Dr. Deborah Birx… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer” intro]
[Cut to Wolf Blitzer in his set]

Wolf Blitzer: Hello and welcome to “The Situation Room”. I’m your host Wolf Blitzer, an indoor man with an outdoor name. Today’s top story is the Pfizer coronavirus vaccine which the FDA just approved for emergency use. It’s just like the PS5. Everybody wants it, nobody can get it and if you’re rich, you already had it a month ago. Here to tell us what to expect out of the vaccine roll out are the American gothic of the whole coronavirus situation, please welcome Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Hello. Hi.

Dr. Deborah Birx: And I am also the reason for the cheers.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Let’s try to keep the ‘woo’s to the minimum please. As you all know, woos spread droplets.

[Cut to split screen with Wolf Blitzer, Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx]

Wolf Blitzer: Thank you for being here. I understand we’re finally getting some good news.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. The vaccine is approved and I am officially joining the Biden administration to continue the fight against covid.

Dr. Deborah Birx: And I think I’ll be joining as well. Right? Remember when trump said to inject bleach and I did a stanky little face and I almost whispered, “No!” Remember?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. I remember.

Wolf Blitzer: okay. Let’s talk about the Psizer vaccine which is already being distributed in the United Kingdom.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. We’re doing this vaccine World War II style. We made England go in first. See what’s what. And then we swoop in at the end and steal the spotlight. Tom Hanks will make 10 movies about it and when it’s all over, you can kiss any nurse you want.

Wolf Blitzer: That sounds good to me. Now, who will get the first vaccine here on the United States?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, here’s how we’re going to do it. First, healthcare workers. You make seamies, you make dreamies. Whatever.

Dr. Deborah Birx: Next, we have anybody named Mildrid, Hores, Blanc, Mable or Walter.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: We’re talking about super seniors. Anyone who pays for Red Lobster with a diner’s club card.

Dr. Deborah Birx: Then after the elderly, we’ll move on to prisoners. Then teachers. Then sick people. Then everyone else.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. Right. That will be July Dr. Anthony Fauci0-bada-bada-bada.

Wolf Blitzer: That’s quite a while to wait. What do you make of the overall federal vaccine plan?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I try not to comment but this president has done about as good a job with this roll out as I did throwing out that first pitch at the nationals.

Wolf Blitzer: Yes. I believe we have a clip.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, we don’t have to show it.

[Cut to a video clip of Dr. Anthony Fauci pitching in a baseball game. He throws the ball so bad.]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, what exactly happened there?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I don’t want to talk about it.

Dr. Deborah Birx: It’s okay, little guy. We all mess up sometimes. You threw the ball wrong. I didn’t say, “Don’t drink the bleach.” It happens.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. Thank you. But we are here to talk about science and facts.

Radom girl: Dr. Fauci!

[The girl throws a red bra on Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop throwing bras. Would you?

Wolf Blitzer: I’m sorry, Dr. Fauci. Did someone just throw a bra at your face?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Look. This keeps happening. Throughout this whole thing, I’ve been the only one saying facts. So, some people got a crush on me. They say stuff like, “Can you be my face mask?” I respect it. Any other year, I’m a two. This year, I’m a 10. I don’t know.

Wolf Blitzer: Now, it’s my understanding that the coronavirus vaccine must be stored at 70 degrees below zero. How will you keep the doses cold?

Dr. Deborah Birx: Luckily, the vaccine comes in Coor light cold activated cans. If the mountains are blue, you know the vaccine is effective.

Wolf Blitzer: The Pfizer and Moderna vaccines both require two doses. How will providers track patients and make sure they return for their second dose?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Well, using a technique long employed by one night stands who have caught feelings. We’ve going to have them leave a necklace at the CVS just so they have an excuse to come back.

Wolf Blitzer: How will you decide which states get the shipments first.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Uh-huh. We’re going to distribute to states alphabetically starting with A-California. And then B-New York city.

Dr. Deborah Birx: The distribution will vary based on the locale.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. In New Orleans, we’re tossing the vaccines up to balconies like Mardi Gra beads. The more you show, the more you get.

Dr. Deborah Birx: North Carolina’s vaccine will be vinegar based while South Carolina’s will be mustard based. In New York, the vaccine vessels will be very thin on the bottom. Whereas in Chicago, it will be more of a deep dish.

Wolf Blitzer: I see. Well, that sounds like you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. But look, hopefully if enough Americans get–

Random girl: Marry me!

[The girl throws another bra on Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Enough! Please. Thank you. If enough Americans get this vaccine, you’ll all forget who I am. That’s my goal. To have zero name recognition with Americans. Because that means I’ll have done my job well. I want to go back to being an anonymous hunk. But you have my promise, no matter who is in charge, I’ll do everything possible to ensure that you are able to see your loved ones safely once again.

Dr. Deborah Birx: And I’m taller.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yea, you beat me there.

Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.