Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
And Colin, you’re not gonna believe this but the media is beginning to question is Donald Trump knows what he’s doing. Trump had communication with the president of Taiwan which violates a long standing agreement between the US and China, but in fairness, the president of Taiwan called him. And also, there’s no way Donald Trump knows difference between Taiwan and China. He probably just thinks one makes his hats and other makes his ties. What did surprise me is that Trump would actually answer an unknown phone number. That guy has like millions of dollars in debt. I owe chase $1,100 and when I see a number I don’t recognize, I answered the phone in Taiwanese accent.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: This week, Donald Trump began what he’s calling a ‘Thank you tour of the country.’ While Hillary Clinton I assume is planning more of an ‘FU tour.’ Trump’s holding victory rallies in all the places that helped him get elected. Like, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Russia, the FBI, Wikileaks and Hillary’s campaign headquarters. By the way, a ‘thank you tour’ might be the Trumpiest idea I’ve ever heard. He’s so egotistical that his idea of saying thank you is having thousands of people show up and chant his name. That’s not how thank yous work. That would be like starting a charity but instead of helping the poor, all the money went to a giant portrait of a guy who started the charity.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: But, come on, of course Trump is on a thank you tour. That’s his element. He loves having a big audience. That’s why his constantly on twitter. You think he likes having dinner with Mitt Romney? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mitt Romney having dinner together] By the way, why does Mitt Romney look like an Instagram model being forced to take a picture with the man who just bought him a new butt?[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s twitter profile at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: This week, Donald Trump tweeted about flag burning and voter fraud which some think was just to distract the media from more important issues. But if they’re worried that his tweets are getting too much attention, they should just report them in the most boring way possible. The way they report a weather forecast. Watch.[Cut to reporting Donald Trump’s tweets in a boring manner]
Male voice: [lazy voice] This morning, Trump’s tweeting about voter fraud with scattered retweets in the afternoon. Then at 3 AM, 90% chance of a tweetstorm about Rosie. This has been Tweets on the ones.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: See? No one cares anymore.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of people protesting at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Protestors continue to gather at Standing Rock Indian reservation to stop the construction of the Dakota access pipeline. The natives believe that the oil pipeline could contaminate their water supply but the oil company believes, “Bleh!” The sheriff’s department began using rubber bullets and water hoses against the protestors last weekend. And, I know that law enforcement is a very, very tough job, but at some point when you’re out there in 23 degree weather, spraying some native family with a fire hose on thanksgiving, you gotta stop and wonder, “Are we the bad guys?”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people protesting at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean, at this point if native Americans are asking us for anything, can’t we just give it to them? We basically treated them like [Picture changes to Milton from Office space] Milton from Office Space. We just keep moving them to worse and worse areas and pretending that we’re doing them a favor. And this one spot in North Dakota is their stapler. [Picture changes to Milton lookin at his stapler] Just let them have the stapler. Coz remember, at the end of Office Space, Milton snaps and burns the entire place down. And oil, famously flammable.