Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Tina Fey and Michael Che on SNL stage]
Michael Che: Hey, what’s up? I’m Michael Che.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey
Michael Che: Okay, so this is the part of the show where we would normally do Update and Tina was gonna do update with me because Colin is not here tonight.
Tina Fey: It’s not what you think. He’s having worked on?
Michael Che: So, we thought we’d read these dumb jokes anyway, and just see if we can make these guys laugh.[Tom Hanks, Paul Rudd and Kenan Thompson are only the audience they have]
Tina Fey: Yeah, you guys ready? Hanks, are you ready? May I call you Hanks?
Tom Hanks: I’d rather you did.
Tina Fey: Okay. And can we confirm that you have never heard these jokes before?
Tom Hanks: Not a one. Except the two you blew in the rehearse.
Michael Che: Alright. Perfect. Well, it’s Christmas. So, let’s start with some good news, Tina. O.J. Simpson has been released from parole two months early because of good behavior. Said O.J., “I can’t believe I got out of parole early but I did it. I did it.”
Tina Fey: Time Magazine has named Elon Musk person of the year. You can read more about it on your phone while your Tesla is self driving you into a lake.
Michael Che: It was revealed that on January 6, three Fox News hosts all texted Mark Meadows to urge him to get Trump to call off his supporters. And you know you’ve gone too far when Fox News is like, “Somebody better calm these white people down.”
Tina Fey: This week marks the one year anniversary of the first person in the US to get the COVID vaccine and all I had to do was lying about being a nurse. I blew it again!
Michael Che: Mayor elect Eric Adams has selected New York City’s first ever female police commissioner, which means policing is about to get a lot more passive aggressive. There’s more. You wanna hear the other part? Instead of stop and frisk, they’re gonna go through your phone while you’re in the shower.
Tina Fey: German police have broken up a plot by anti vaxxers to kill a local official over vaccine mandates. It’s a classic conflict between Germany’s two favorite things, violence and rules. Hanks likes that one. Because it’s about Germans.
Michael Che: A judge in Louisiana took a leave of absence after she was caught on video using the N word, which is the kind of story that makes me wonder why are me and Kenan the only cast members here?
Tina Fey: One of the creators of the original Nintendo Entertainment System has died at the age of 78 after doctors made multiple attempts to blow on him and stick him back in.
Michael Che: Texas police arrested a woman after she tried to hide inside of a refrigerator. So, congratulations to the fat cop who decided to check out the fridge during the raid.
Tina Fey: NASA announced that for the first time in history a spacecraft has touched the sun by flying through its upper atmosphere, NASA was finally able to complete the impossible mission by going at night.
Michael Che: That’s smart.
Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.
Michael Che: After 37 players in the NFL tested positive in one day, the league is mandating booster shots for coaches and some team personnel. And hopefully the Jets booster shots will come with a little bit of steroids.
Tina Fey: The FDA said it will permanently allow people to get abortion pills through the mail which means your pill should arrive just in time for your child’s first birthday.
Michael Che: Oh you’ll like this one, Hanks. Dozens of camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia’s annual camel beauty contest because they got botox and facelifts to make them more attractive. But hey man, we ain’t looking at their faces. Am I right? [Tom Hanks is laughing hard] Look at his face!
Tom Hanks: You’re killing me.
Tina Fey: The Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer hours after being accused of kicking a player. Worse the player was somehow returned for a touchdown.
Michael Che: Bakers in Massachusetts have created the world’s largest pot brownie weighing 850 pounds. They came up with the idea after eating the world’s second largest pot brownie.
Tina Fey: A Florida man was kicked off a plane for wearing women’s underwear as a facemask because federal law requires you to at least put in a maxi pad. That one stays.
Michael Che: It was reported that Bruce Springsteen sold the rights for his music catalog for more than $500 million. So, hopefully he finally has money to move out of New Jersey.
Tina Fey: An ethics panel has ordered Andrew Cuomo to return the $5 million in profits he earned from the book he wrote about the pandemic. Said Cuomo “Okay, but you got to reach down in my pocket and take it out yourself sweetheart.” For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight. Merry Christmas.