Tag: episode 9

Blue Christmas

[There are people in RadioShack]

Kenan: Hey guys, just need a minute of your time before we go on break for Christmas. As some of you know, this is Cecily’s last day working at RadioShack. After eight incredible years.

Cecily: Well, I’ve been here 11.

Kenan: I know. And eight of them were incredible. Honestly, I don’t think that RadioShack could have survived this long without Cecily. Every time she came to work, she had a new character or a new accent or a new impression that would just blow you away. She’d have a power and a joy to her performance that made you remember why you loved working at RadioShack in the first place. I know I’m not supposed to say this as your boss, but I love you Cecily.

Cecily: I love you too, Mr. Frank lasagna.

Kenan: That’s right, that is my name. Now we all pooled our money together, money that was supposed to go to children in need, but we decided to hire a special guest for our Christmas party instead. Unfortunately, the costume was extra and we chose to not spring for that. So please welcome, casual Elvis.

[Austin Butler walks in]

Austin: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Kenan: Yeah, we didn’t pay for the voice.

Austin: Cecily, I know we only met this week but I feel like I’ve known you for two weeks. And I also know that I speak for everyone else when I say…

[singing] We’ll have a Blue Christmas without you
we’ll be so blue just thinking about you
all the sketches with dogs
or when guy’s got one too
won’t be the same, dear
when you go, I’ll scoop.

Cecily: And when those blue snow flakes start falling
that’s when those blue memories start calling

Austin and Cecily: You’ll be doing all right every Saturday night
but I’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

Kenan: We’ll have a blue Christmas without you
All: We’ll be so blue singing about you
you’ll be doing all right with your Christmas so white

Austin: But we’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

Kenan: You’ll be doing all right every Saturday night
All: We’ll all have a blue, blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

[cheers and applause]

Please Don’t Destroy – Plirts

Ben: I don’t know, something like that.

Austin: Gerace Jim Henson. Yeah, that bet could be a funny sketch.

Ben: Thanks, man. Yeah. Hey, why don’t we celebrate with a glass of red wine?

Austin: it’s pretty early, but okay.

Ben and John: Oh, cheers.

[Ben and John pulls out glasses of wine and intentionally pour them on their shirts]

Ben: Oh, my shirt. Now I’m gonna look like a slob for the date I have tonight.

John: Gosh, Austin, don’t you hate when this happens? I just wish there was a solution to this very common problem. [looks at the door] [loudly] I said I wish there was a solution to this very common problem.

Ben: Mart!

[Martin walks in wearing a plastic shirt]

Martin: Well now, there is. With the Plirt, the world’s first shirt made of 100% real plastic.

Ben: That’s plastic? But it looks just like a regular shirt.

Martin: I know it does. But it’s made of plastic which means its spills and stains rinse right off.

Austin: Guys, what’s going on?

[John throws wing at Martin and wipes the wine right out]

Ben and John: Wow.

John: Thanks so Martin’s Plirt, his date night just turned into a sex night. [now Ben and John are also wearing the Plirt] Man, they are comfy. Hey, Martin, this company looking for investors?

Martin: They need investors bad because they’re so in the red right now.

John: Austin?

Austin: Oh, you want me to invest in your company?

Martin: And would you believe us if we told you they were good for the environment?

Austin: Plastic shoots? No.

Martin: Exactly. It’s not. But I was hoping you would believe.

Ben: Come on, Elvis. Try one on.

Austin: Geez, okay. [now he’s also wearing a Plirt] This is more like a phone case.

John: So, do you want to invest? We googled them we know you have enough money.

Austin: Well guys, I can’t move my arms in this.

Ben: Sure, you can watch me grab this cup. [he can’t] I almost had it.

Martin: Bottom line, Plirts are stylish, stain proof and not for pregnant women.

Austin: What was the last one?

Ben: Sleek, lightweight and internal temperature of 110 degrees.

Devon: That’s why I always wear my Plants. [he’s wearing a plastic pants]

Austin: You too?

Marcello: And they also sell Plats and Plackets. [comes in wearing plastic hat and jacket]

Martin: And for summertime fun, they even sell Plinkinis and Plimplungs.

Austin: I feel like I’m having a stroke. Why are you guys talking like this?

John: Because we need that money, man. We make $30 a video. Just gve us the money.

Austin: How did you get the money for the Plothing?

Martin: I got a little help from a girlfriend.

[Lizzo comes in wearing plastic dress]

Lizzo: Hi, babe.

Martin: Oh, hey sweetie.

Austin: You’re dating Lizzo?

Martin: Yeah, man. My life’s a [bleep] movie.

Lizzo: Oh, and by the way, Martin, I got no Planties on.

Austin: What is going on?

Marcello: Dude, where the hell did you get this plastic.

Ben: Jersey, why?

Marcello: The Plat made my hair fall out. [He shows his head. He’s bald.]

Austin: Guys, these are dangerous and insane. They do not belong in the office or on the streets. They belong in the runway.

[cut to them having a photoshoot for Plirts.]

Austin: Love might just be a chemical, then again, so is plastic.

Female voice: Plirts by Plirts Jacobs.

Jennifer Coolidge Is Impressed by Christmas Stuff

Jennifer Coolidge… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: And now, Jennifer Coolidge is impressed by Christmas Stuff.

Jennifer Coolidge: Hi, I’m Jennifer Coolidge. I love Christmas.

[Stockings] Oh, look at this. A big sock full of gifts. You know the ultimate stocking stuffer is a foot.

[Christmas Lights] Christmas lights, so colorful. You know, one year I got the blinking ones. I left my Christmas tree out all night and learn my cat was epileptic,

[Christmas Carol] That’s really good. Did you write this song?

Michael: Did I write Jingle Bells?

Jennifer Coolidge: Yeah?

Michael: No.

Jennifer Coolidge: You know who did?

Michael: I don’t know. Some guy.

[Eggnog]

Jennifer Coolidge: Umm, a big cup of eggnog. Kind of weird. Tastes like I’m drinking Santa’s [bleep].

[Menorah] Oh, happy birthday. I forgot to make a wish.

[Christmas Present] Oh wow. Christmas present. It could be anything in here. I want to shake it. Give me some music. [starts shaking the gift] Sounds like an antique doll with one eye. [opens the gift] Oh, I was right..

Male voice: Merry Christmas from Jennifer Coolidge.

White Elephant

James Shawn Johnson

Devon Walker

Janette… Ego Nwodim

Shawn… Austin Butler

Ava… Cecily Strong

Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Santa… Mikey Day

James: And maybe next year we can host this company holiday party in the Bahamas. Right? Cheers everybody.

All: Cheers.

Heidi: Seriously, thank you all for coming tonight. Now, how about we start the white elephant gift exchange? Does everyone know how this works?

Shawn: Remind me again.

Ava: We all take turns grabbing gifts, right?

Devon: Yep. But you only get to pick when your number is called.

Andrew: Yeah, but we can steal a gift, right?

Heidi: Exacto-mundo. Let’s start. Who’s got number one?

Janette: That’d beat me. Okay. Alright, what do we got here? Oh. Okay. Now that’s a candle right there. I love it.

Heidi: All right, who’s next?

Shawn: Oh, me. I’ve got number two.

James: Okay. Getting in on the action.

Shawn: Oh, nice. A sweet ashtray. Oh, you know, I was just saying I needed something like this. I’m going to use this as a catch all by the front door of my place. Yes. When I get home from a long day, I can just put all my rings and bracelets and playing cards and stuff right from my pockets right here so I know where everything is. To whoever got this, thank you for real. I’m going to cherish this forever. It is perfect.

Ava: Okay, well let’s move on. Number three. I’m up. And you know what? Actually, I’m gonna steal. I really like Shawn’s gift. Yoink!

Heidi: Oh, let the games begin.

Shawn: So what? Now I just don’t get a gift?

Heidi: No, Shawn. Now you can go back to the unopened gifts or you can steal?

Shawn: Okay, I’ll steal my gift back. Yoink back at you.

Ava: No, I don’t think you can do that.

James: Yeah, you’ve got to grab someone else’s.

Shawn: That’s not fair. That’s not fair. You you shouldn’t be able to do that. That’s mean. That’s mean as hell. You know what, Ava? You are a wicked little woman.

Devon: Whoa, whoa, Shawn. I’m gonna need you to chillax pimp juice.

Andrew: That’s just how the game is played, dude.

Shawn: You shouldn’t be able to take someone’s gift if it’s perfect for them. That’s not right. For example, I wouldn’t take Janette scented candle because I know that her house stinks.

Janette: What?

Shawn: No, I’m saying Jeanette, we’ve all been to your house. We’re all aware that you need that candle.

Andrew: Shawn, it’s okay dude. Just take a different gift.

Shawn: Alright, would have.

James: Are you gonna open it?

Shawn: Why? It’s just gonna suck.

Heidi: Okay, hey, let’s let’s take a chill pill and push through. This is supposed to be fun, remember? So who’s next?

Andrew: Number five right here. Hey, Jeanette. Could I get a whiff of your candle?

Janette: Okay, I think I know where this is going.

Shawn: [to Ava] So what are you gonna use it for? To smoke dope?

Heidi: Shawn?

Shawn: What? Look at her. She’s obviously doped out of her gourd right now. Total smack head.

Andrew: Shawn, you’re being a child.

Devon: Just open your gift and shut up.

Shawn: Alright, whatever. I will. Happy? Let’s see what crap awaits. So you’re going to address to me. Who wrote my name on this one? Oh my goodness. It’s the same catchall but in Jet Black. That’s like even more awesome than the other one because jet black is my favorite color.

James: Your favorite color is jet black?

Shawn: It’s a Christmas miracle guys. Who did this? Come on. Fess up. Somebody?

All: No. I didn’t.

Shawn: That must mean..

[Santa’s walking on the roof.]

Santa: Ho-ho-ho-ho. Santa Claus here telling you that it’s someone is lucky enough to get a perfect gift at the white elephant gift exchange, let him keep it. It costs you nothing to be nice. Now you might wonder how I knew Shawn wanted that catchall. Just call it father’s intuition. [Santa is also wearing a lot of rings and bracelets] Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho.

Weekend Update: Cathy Anne Says Goodbye for Now

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: 2022 is almost over and ooh, we did a lot happen. Here to help us make sense of it all is two time Heisman Trophy stealer, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in] [cheers and applause]

Cathy Anne: Hey. Ho-ho-ho, Michael Cho.

Michael Che: Hey Cathy, you look adorable. I love your Santa hat.

Cathy Anne: Oh yeah. Well, it’s covering up a giant open wound. I got a little bit Scout.

Michael Che: You got Scout?

Cathy Anne: Yeah. I fell asleep on an escalator. It is just a mess up here. But you know what? At least now the curtains match the drapes.

Michael Che: Yuck, Cathy Anne. What does that mean?

Cathy Anne: Yeah, let your mind go to the worst place and you figure it out.

Michael Che: Let’s get back on track, Cathy Anne. What’s got your goose tonight?

Cathy Anne: Well, thank you for asking, you sexy piece of crap. Actually, actually, I’m a little emo tonight, because truth is I’m here to say goodbye.

Michael Che: Wait, where are you going?

Cathy Anne: Turns out prison.

Michael Che: Prison?

Cathy Anne: Yeah. Well, the crimes I confessed to you here for the past several years finally caught up with me. Drug use, trespassing, destruction of property, crack, impersonating a police, meth and crack. Oh, and I’m doing a couple of Sonic attacks.

Michael Che: A sonic attack? Like what the Russians do with sound waves?

Cathy Anne: No. I did an upper decker at the soft server machine at Sonic. But a lot of people did end up with pretty bad headaches. Everything worked out, okay? Because I made a plea deal. I wound up getting life in prison.

Michael Che: That’s a bad deal.

Cathy Anne: Well, they wanted to kill me. And that kind of bring my chair back, made me watch him tested. Tuck a little hat on me and everything. Whow, that’s chilling.

Michael Che: I’m really sorry you’re going to prison.

Cathy Anne: Oh no, I’m not. I think it’s actually gonna give me some much needed stability. And I’m not just scared because I got friends on the inside. They seem to be doing okay. [There’s a picture of Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant inside jail] Yeah. And it’s okay. I had a good run. I mean, I met you, we fell in love. We made a sex tape.

Michael Che: Kathy Anne, you getting caught on my Ring cam masturbating is not a sex tape.

Cathy Anne: Potato Chlamado. That’s a spicy meat ball. Hey Colin, don’t you think I forgot about you. Here’s your picture of you may do an update together.

[There’s a picture of Colin Jost and Cecily Strong in old Weeked Update set]

Michael Che: Whoa! Cathy Anne, you look so different. What happened?

Cathy Anne: Okay, excuse me. Look at you. Have you seen you now versus when you started, Mr. Silver fact? Turn into Obama.

Michael Che: All right, that’s fair.

Cathy Anne: Listen, everybody has to go to jail at some point, right? It’s just my time now. But I had a lot of fun here. And I feel really lucky that I got to have so many of the best moments of my life in this place with these people that I love so much. [cheers and applause] But I know, I guess take that with a grain of salt being that I have addiction issues. It’s like another great drug addict once said, “There’s no place like home and there’s no home like the place where I’ve gotten yelled outside Michael Che’s window.” Don’t be sad, because remember… [singing] I did it high, Che.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody.

Cathy Anne: Oh my god, I lit it. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: Colin’s Great Aunt Pat on Holiday Etiquette

Colin Jost

Pat… Heidi Gardner.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Christmas is next week and we’re going to be back with our families. Here to talk about holiday etiquette is my great aunt Pat.

[Pat slides in]
[cheers and applause]

Hi, aunt Pat.

Pat: Hi, honey. You look dashing as ever. And my, how it’s nice to be back on Update.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah. Well, except you’ve never been here before.

Pat: Colin, where are your manners? Never ever question a lady, especially at Christmas time.

Colin Jost: Oh, I’m I’m so sorry. Welcome back to Update.

Pat: Thank you. Thank you. Now Colin, manners are the glue that holds society together. You know that you didn’t even greet me correctly

Colin Jost: I didn’t?

Pat: No. See at Christmas time, you always greet your elders with kiss on the lips.

Colin Jost: And why the lips?

Pat: Manners, Colin.

[Pat leans forward and Colin kisses her lips]
[cheers and applause]

Pat: My apologies, miss Scarlett. I’m your aunt, boy. I’m gonna need a drink after that. Where’s my butler? Mikey Day. Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in wearing a suit]

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Colin Jost: Wait, Mikey, you’re butlering for my Aunt Pat?

Mikey: Yeah, I’m like barely in any sketches this week, and I need money for Christmas. What can I get for you Pat?

Pat: I’ll take a slow gin juice.

Mikey: Okay.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Slow gin juice?

Pat: Yeah, slow gin juice from Jessebelle berry.

Colin Jost: What?

[Mikey brings her drink in]

Pat: Thank you, Mikey Day. [tips Mikey] And that will be all, Mikey Day.

Mikey: Okay.

[Pat pats on Mikey’s penis]

Pat: That’ll be all, Mikey Day. That’ll be all. You can go. That’ll be all. He worked for it. He worked for it.

Colin Jost: Aunt pat. Did you just tap his crotch?

Pat: What? You mean a bouf on the gooch? Gatsby loved to be greeted with a bouf on the gooch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, Gatsby is a fictional character, okay?

Pat: Colin? I just saw on your monitor, my slow gin juice has almost completely washed away my lip stain. Mikey Day! Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in with a lipstick]

Mikey: Here you are, Pat.

Pat: No, remember? How I taught you? You apply it to your lips and then you put your lips on to mine.

Colin Jost: Mikey, really you don’t have to do this.

Pat: Manners, Colin. Manners.

Mikey: Oh, it’s like, breaking apart.

Pat: No, that’s okay. Come on, Mikey Day. Alright, Mikey Day. Alright.

[Mikey puts the lipstick on and rubs his lips on Pat’s lips.]

Oh, looks like we both ate smoked salmon for dinner. Thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you, Mikey day. [tips Mikey]

Mikey: Thank you.

Colin Jost: You only gave him $Colin Jost?

Pat: [patting on Mikey’s penis] That’ll be all, Mikey Day. Thank you so much. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. Mikey! Thank you. That’ll be all.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, none of this seems like etiquette. It seems like you just want to kiss and fondo movie stars.

Pat: Colin. Movie stars? You boys aren’t movie stars. You’re TV Muppets.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, you’re out of control.

Pat: Oh no. I’m staying in here because I have a gift for you. Mikey Day!

Colin Jost: Okay, Mikey.

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Pat: I want to give Colin his Christmas gift, but his lips are a little dry. Mikey Day, do what you do.

[Mikey Day puts lipstick on his lips and is walking near Colin]

Colin Jost: No, it’s okay. I put on a little… I put on a little lipstick before it came out. You don’t need to… You don’t need to do that. [Mikey is leaning towards Colin] That’s okay. [Mikey touches Colin’s lips with his]

Pat: Oh, yes.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.

Pat: Yes. I’m having a slow gin juice of my own. Okay, me now. [Mikey Day puts his lips on Pat’s lips] Alright. Okay. Thank you, Mikey Day. [pats on Mikey’s penis] You can run along now.

Colin Jost: My great aunt Pat, everyone.

Pat: I’m reoccurring. I’m reoccurring.

Weekend Update: Nuclear Scientists Achieve “Ignition,” Trump vs. DeSantis GOP Civil War

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a science lab at right top corner.]

Michael Che: US scientists announced they have reached ignition, which is a nuclear fusion reaction producing more energy than it’s supposed to create. And they’re hoping this discovery may eventually lead to the remix to ‘Ignition’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a child using tablet at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study has found that using screens to stop a child’s tantrums can harm their ability to control their emotions. The study is titled “Elon Musk”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Republican insiders are concerned that the rivalry between Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis could lead to a civil war within the party, because they already have the flags.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Parachute record setter dies at 94”]

A man who made aviation history by parachuting out of a hot air balloon twenty miles above the earth has died at the age of 94… when he finally hit the ground.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Whale swims 3000 miles with broken spine” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers say that for more than a decade, they tracked a humbpback whale as it swam over 3000 miles from Canada to Hawaii with a broken spine. They even got a recording of it’s whale song.

Weekend Update: Krampus on Kidnapping Naughty Children

Colin Jost

Krampus… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it is Christmas time, a time when nice children get presents from Santa and bad children get a visit from Krampus. Here to comment is the mythological Christmas demon of Eastern European lore, Krampus.

[Krampus slides in]

Krampus: Hi. Hey, Michael, hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey, Krampus. So how are you doing?

Krampus: I’m good. Yeah, I’m a little burnt out. I’m just so wrapped up in this job. You know, it’s like every year on accomplished knocked, I rise from hell. I run around, kidnap all the naughty children. And I just go home and check out. And Colin, you ever, like, watch TV for five hours straight and then they go by and you’ve eaten 40 kids?

Colin Jost: Wait, you eat the kids?

Krampus: Yeah, it’s fine. I’m just like, What am I doing? Okay, just her 936. This should be the best years of my life. Then I think about my dad at my age, and he was already one of the original gays at Sodom and he was married.

Colin Jost: I don’t know. That just sounds like a lot of pressure.

Krampus: You know, Bernie Brown has this great quote about shame. She says that it’s the feeling that people are saying hurtful things about you when you leave the room. Right? And I was like, wow. Like, that really resonated with me.

Colin Jost: Wow, what do you mean. Who’s shaming you?

Krampus: Oh, just people in Bavaria like dress up as me, which I get it, it’s funny haha. But think about what you’re doing for five seconds. You’re making fun of my body. You’re making fun of my livelihood. And I’m sorry, my culture is not your costume. Okay, but that’s what we do. We don’t protect queer voices in this country. I’m sick.

Colin Jost: Horn sickness?

Krampus: I’m horn sick.

Colin Jost: Oh god. I hate to say… I hesitate to say horny, but I do feel like it’s inappropriate. And I’m sorry, I missed that. You’re queer?

Krampus: Yeah, I’m a demon, Colin. I’m a queer. You know, Caesar has this great line on smoking on my x pack. She says them ho accusation’s weak then bitch accusation’s true And that really resonated with me. Because yeah, what I do for work isn’t great. But like my therapist always says, “Krampus, Your job is to punish children, not yourself.”

Colin Jost: Oh. And who’s your therapist?

Krampus: Delane Maxwell?

Colin Jost: Wow. She’s your therapist because she’s not dead.

Krampus: She commutes, Colin. It’s hard. Okay? I’m running around Central Europe on foot by myself. And I’m self reporting to every village. Meanwhile, I grew up solidly middle class. My mother was a teacher.

Colin Jost: Oh, well, what did she eat kids?

Krampus: How to eat kids. So as much as I want to quiet quit, I still show up and I do the work. Because guess what, Colin? I like myself. Maybe you should try it sometime. Waters warm. You know, my friend the demon Azazle has a great quote about self acceptance. He says – [makes demonic noise] That really resonated with me.

Colin Jost: Krampus, everyone.

Krampus: Delane is a bad therapist.

Weekend Update: Trump Launches NFT Trading Cards, FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Insiders are saying that the House January 6 committee will refer at least three criminal charges against Donald Trump. But after this week, I think he’s pretty much locked down that insanity place. Semi retired maniac Donald Trump has launched a collection of digital NFT trading cards depicting him in various costumes, including cowboy, superhero and most unbelievable of all, guy who didn’t dodge the draft. I’m honestly just relieved that he’s wearing an American military uniform. It’s such a funny move to get into NFTs after the whole market just crashed. It’s like getting into Kanye now. Which Trump also kind of did.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Sam Bankman-Fried at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Sam Bankman-Fried, the former CEO of the cryptocurrency company FTX was arrested on fraud charges in the Bahamas. I’m gonna guess while swimming in a T-shirt. Prosecutors allege that Bankman-Fried took funds from FTX customers to make large political donations. That money will now be used to make sure the cameras outside his jail cell aren’t working.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden’s seen here giving the eulogy at a pimp’s funeral formally approved new legislation that will guarantee federal protections for same sex and interracial marriages in a signing ceremony held over my grandpa’s dead body.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene who, let’s just face it, is absolutely my type, complained that people can buy butt plugs in target now. She also complained that they melt and are shaped like Santa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Biden also hosted leaders of African countries at the White House for the US African Business Forum. Coincidentally, US African Business Forum is what they call Weekend Update in Nigeria. [Picture changes to Colin Jost and Michael Che in Weekend Update set]

Jewish Elvis

Bert… Bowen Yang

Jewish Elvis… Sarah Sherman

Lois… Austin Butler

Cecily Strong

Laura… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with audience talking in a show. Most of them are elderly women.]

Cecily: Okay, these are very good seats.

Laura: I mean, very good seats.

Chloe: Wow grandma, I didn’t realize your retirement home had its very own theater. I mean this is fantastic.

Cecily: Oh no. The Oasis has it all. A nightclub.

Laura: A sauna.

Cecily: Carpeted bathroom.

Laura: Carpeted locker rooms.

Cecily: And a steakhouse where everything is well done. Except the service.

Chloe: Grandma, what’s wrong with Lois?

Lois: Oh my god, he’s here it’s in the building. Oh my freaking god. It’s really happening.

Laura: She’s just excited for the show.

Cecily: Well, Laura, we all are. I mean, first night of Hanukkah when they really kick things off with a bang.

Chloe: I don’t understand. Who are you also excited to see?

Lois: Oh, oh, there he is. There he is.

All: Oh my god, it’s Jewish Elvis. Ah!

[Jewish Elvis is dancing and the audience are cheering for him]

Lois: Oh my god.

Jewish Elvis: Thank you. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] Can somebody turn up the AC? I’m schimtzing like a friggin hound dog up here. Ah, what are you gonna do? It’s Viva Las Vegas.

Lois: Oh my god, I’m so horny. I’m gonna friggin explode.

Chloe: I’m sorry. I don’t get it.

Cecily: Yes, I can explain. He’s Jewish Elvis.

Chloe: Right. But…

Cecily: Quiet. He’s back to sing.

Jewish Elvis: Wise men say
Who is wise men? 
Why are they so wise?
only fools rush in
what’s the rush?
everybody just relax
I can’t help
I could help,
I don’t want to
I’m tired
my back hurts
I can’t help ordering a diet coke
at every restaurant I go to

Lois: Oh, he sings like a freaking angel. Oh my god.

Chloe: I mean it’s a little bit of singing but it’s mostly complaining.

Laura: Yeah, he’s Jewish Elvis. Hello! Are you stupid?

[Jewish Elvis starts dancing]

Jewish Elvis: Everybody wants me to do my moves.

Cecily: Oh my god. Yes, please.

Lois: I’m like Niagara Falls over him. My chair is gonna friggin drown. [pulls out her underwear] Oh, ruin me, Jewish Elvis. Ruin me. [throws her underwear to the stage]

Jewish Elvis: Oh, gross. No, thank you. I think you everything bangles got a little too much cream cheese on it. You know what I’m saying?

Laura: This is the best night of my life.

Chloe: Night? It is 4:30 in the afternoon.

Jewish Elvis: My God, I got she was no I got schmutz all over my suit. Was no one gonna tell me I got schmutz all over my friggin suit? I mean, what is this? Mustard? I’m walking around like a goofball with mustard on my friggin little scarf? I mean, oh my god this is a zizzaster.

Chloe: Did he just say zizzaster?

Lois: It’s his famous catchphrase. Whooo!

Bert: All right, hello. Sorry everyone. I’m Bert the director of the retirement home.

Cecily: No! Get your fat ass of the stage.

Lois: You are blocking Jewish Elvis. You fat a-hole.

Bert: Ladies, calm down. Apparently somebody broke the toilet in the handicapped stall. [Jewish Elvis slowly walks out of the stage] It’s completely flooded and covered and blue rhinestones. Witnesses said there was a man inside screaming “Oh no, it won’t go down. This is zizzaster.” Jewish Elvis, is there anything you want to say?

Jewish Elvis: Yeah. Hey, what are you gonna do? Viva Las Vegas.

Cecily: Get off the stage. Fat sub.

Chloe: Wait guys, where is Lois?

Cecily: I don’t know. Oh my god. She’s on the stage.

[Lois is on the stage with Jewish Elvis]

Jewish Elvis: Sing it with me, mommy.

My stomach hurts
sing it with me

Lois: I got a bad cramp

Jewish Elvis: I love you. Together.

Both: I think I accidentally had dairy
all together y’all
All: We can’t go on together
with delicious cheese
we all got diarrhea
from delicious cheese

Jewish Elvis: Happy blue Hanukkah everyone. From all of us and Jewish Elvis.