Ted Cruz Sesame Street Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Big Bird… Kyle Mooney

Joe Rogan… Pete Davidson

Ernie… Mikey Day

Bert… Alex Moffat

Oscar…Chris Redd

Dracula… Aristotle Athari

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Newsmax kids. At one it’s White Power Ranger. But first, it’s Ted Cruz Street.

[Cut to Ted Cruz standing in front of a door.]

Ted Cruz: Hello. Hello, I’m Texas senator and the last one invited to Thanksgiving, Ted Cruz. You know, for Ernie0 years I stood by Sesame Street, taught our children dangerous ideas like numbers and kindness. But when Big Bird told children to get vaccinated against deadly disease, I said, “Enough!”. And I created my own Sesame Street called Cruz Street. It’s a gated community where kids are safe from the World Government. Tell them kids.

[There are three kids who are singing]

Kids: Cruzy days
sweeping the libs away
and he hopes you’ll say

that his beard looks sweet

Ted Cruz: Grab an eagle and a gun

Kids: Bring that gun to cruz street

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in with a rifle]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Did someone say bring gun?

Ted Cruz: Oh. Marjorie Taylor Greene. What are you doing here?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I’m just taking a break from releasing the phone numbers of Republicans who voted for the infrastructure bill so they and their families get death threats. And I thought I’d stop by. Here kid, you want to hold the AR-Ted CruzErnie?

Andrew: I don’t think I should.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Pussy.

Ted Cruz: And I hear you have a word from our sponsor.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s right. Today’s episode is brought to you by Q. Not the letter, the man. He will tell us when JFK Jr. who is alive will reveal himself and help President Trump reclaim his rightful throne.

Ted Cruz: Everything about that sounds right. Thanks, Marjorie.

Marjorie Taylor Greene:  I represent America.

Ted Cruz: Now, as you know, I was mocked for attacking Big Bird on Twitter, simply because I’m a human senator and he is an eight foot tall fictional bird. But let’s see what happened to Big Bird after he got the vaccine.

[Big Bird walks in. It’s a guy wearing yellow bird costume]

Big Bird: Oh, man. I don’t feel too good.

Ted Cruz: Wow. So this is what happened to you a week after you got the vaccine?

Big Bird: It sure is. My feathers fell out. My nuts got huge. And my joints don’t work. It’s real bad man.

Ted Cruz: Well, don’t worry. I read online that you can take a bath in Borax, and that will cleanse you have any nanotechnology?

Andrew: You’re sure, Senator Cruz? That sounds kind of dumb.

Ted Cruz: No. You’re dumb. Borax is cool.

Big Bird: Maybe the vaccine gave me COVID.

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes, that sounds correct. Let’s ask our resident medical expert, Joe Rogan.

[Joe Rogan walks in eating chips]

Joe Rogan: Yes, that’s right. I used to host Fear Factor and now doctors fear me.

Big Bird: Can you help me, Joe?

Joe Rogan: Oh, sure thing Big Bird. You see, I took Carlos Mencia down. I can take COVID. Here some zinc, and ayahuasca and some horse medicine.

Big Bird: But why would a bird take horse medicine?

Joe Rogan: I’m a human and I took horse medicine. And I’m speaking of things that are a horse like. Today’s two sponsors are the letters S and D as in I can S my own D.

Bowen: Oh my god. Isn’t this for kids?

Andrew: No one under 65 watches.

Melissa: I’m almost 30.

Ted Cruz: Thanks, Joe Rogan. But S and D aren’t the only letters we’re talking about today. There’s also three terrible letters C, R and T. Critical Race Theory. And I think it stands for Caucasian Rights Trampled. That’s why the proud boys have been invading school board meetings to keep CRT out of our classrooms. Please welcome to have the proud boys, Bert and Ernie.

[Ernie and Bert walk in]

Ernie: Hi. Hi, Ted.

Bert: And yeah, we are out and proud.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. They are out there every day proudly fighting the progressive agenda.

Ernie: Our relationship has progressed a bit.

Bert: We got engaged. [showing their rings] Ha-ha-ha.

Ted Cruz: Engaged in a battle against the tyranny of wokers.

Ernie: Hey, Bert, let’s go take a bath.

[Ernie and Bert leave]

Ted Cruz: Their girlfriends are very lucky. Now another danger facing our country is the Democrats new social safety net bill.

[Oscar comes out of trash can. He’s wearing Grinch costume.]

Oscar: Did somebody say free money?

Ted Cruz: Uh-oh, it’s been Nemesis Oscar the slouch. He’s been trained by the Democrats to suck up the the government.

Oscar: That’s right. Papa Joe Biden gave me so many STEMIs, I decided to quit working and live in this trash can. Now you all work hard and Biden gives me your money.

Ted Cruz: Wow. And you have no shame about that?

Oscar: Um-um. I’m proud of it. I’m a ward of the state. I use your tax money on drugs and pornography.

Ted Cruz: At least he admitted it. All Democrats are him. Let’s take a quick break. And when we return we’ll find out how Trump definitely won the election with the recount count.

[ A guys walks in Dracula custume.]

Dracula: I’m moving to Arizona.

Ted Cruz: And don’t miss our Word of the day, Freedom, with Miss Britney Spears.

[Britney Spears walks in dancing]

Britney Spears: Oh my god, you guys. We did it.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Birthday Clown

Clown… Bobby Moynihan

Ernie… Louis C.K.

[Starts with a man opening door. There’s a clown outside.]

Clown: Hey, I’m Seth. I’m the birthday clown. Sorry, I came early.

Ernie: That’s okay. [gesturing to come in] [Clown walks in with his box] Did you find parking okay?

Clown: I took an Uber.

Ernie: Dressed like this?

Clown: Yeah, it’s part of the job. I’m used to it.
Ernie: Oh, well, set up right here.

[Cut to Clown setting up. Ernie walks in with a can of soda]

You gotta get a better defense, man.

Clown: Oh, yeah. It has been a good season though, altogether. You know? So, where is the birthday boy? Little Ernie, right?

Ernie: Oh, it’s me.

[Ernie sits on a sofa alone to watch Clown]

Clown: Come again?

Ernie: Um, I’m Ernie. It’s my birthday.

[Clown is looking around]

Clown: So– do you want– should we wait for everyone to show up?

Ernie: No, it’s just me. [opens his can of soda] Whenever you’re ready.

Clown: I’m sorry. Before I start, I’m wondering why–

Ernie: Just start the show, man. I gotta take my mind off some stuff.

Clown: Yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah. [Clown walks behind the curtains] I’m just gonna do it.

[Clown turns on the funky kid’s music] [Clown is using sock puppet as a bird speaking. He is still behind the curtains. The puppet is outside.]

Female voice: Hey, kids, are you ready for Dodo the clown?

Ernie: Uh-huh.

Female voice: I can’t hear you.

Ernie: Yeah. I’m ready.

Female voice: Now, here comes the Dodo!

[Clown comes out on a baby cycle blowing the horn]

Ernie: It’s good.

Clown: Hey, kids. Do you remember my name?

Ernie: Dodo.

Clown: And what’s your name, birthday boy?

Ernie: Ernie Sullivan.

Clown: And how old are you turning today?

Ernie: I’m 53.

Clown: Jesus! What’s your favorite color?

Ernie: Um, I don’t know. [Clown waiting for the answer] I don’t know. [Clown still waiting for the answer]

Clown: Okay. Um, boy, I sure am hungry. I hope I got a snack! [pulls out a bottle out of his pocket] Bleh! Ha-ha-ha. [opens the bottle, and a toy snake jumps out of the bottle] Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ernie: That’s pretty funny. [pulls out some money and gives it to Clown] Here you go.

Clown: Are you giving me a tip?

Ernie: Yeah, you want me to wait until after?

Clown: Yeah, no– I don’t– there’s no protocol for whatever this is.

Ernie: Sorry. I’ll wait. Go ahead.

[Clown starts pulling out thread out of his mouth]

Ernie: Excuse me. [Ernie walks away. Clown is confused as he doesn’t know what to do.]

Clown: You want me to stop and wait?

[Ernie peeks out of the toilet]

Ernie: No, I can see from here. Keep going.

[Clown is still pulling the color thread out of his mouth.] [doorbell rings]

Hey, can you get that?

[Clown opens the door. There’s Disney’s Elsa and a robot.]

Elsa: We are here for little Ernie’s birthday party.

Clown: You don’t want this.

[Clown shuts the door. Ernie is standing just behind him.] [looking at Ernie] They got to go. I think I should go too.

Ernie: Yeah, man. Listen. I’m sorry. I tried to do something different for my birthday. I guess it got weird.

Clown: No, no. It’s okay. It was fine. Happy birthday.

Ernie: Thank you. Hey, can you come into my kitchen for a minute?

Clown: Yeah, what’s up?

Ernie: I’m going to chop you up in little pieces and put you in the fridge.

Clown: Yeah, that seems about right.