Weekend Update on Baboons Escaping Paris Zoo

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s pictures of monkeys and Eiffel tower at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Paris zoo was evacuated on Friday after dozens of baboons escaped their enclosure. [in loud voice] Starring Dwayne the Rock Johnson. [Picture changes to a cover picture of the movie ‘Baboon Escape’.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: US customs and border protection agents are being criticized after they arrested a woman on a greyhound bus in Florida who did not have identification proving her citizenship. Man, if there’s one thing you don’t expect when you’re on a greyhound bus in Florida, it’s for things to get worse.

[Picture changes to Super bowl logo]

The Philadelphia Eagles will face the New England Patriots in this year’s Super Bowl making it the first super bowl where the fans have even worse brain damage than the players. Yeah. The Giants.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a camel at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At least a dozen camels participating in Saudi Arabia’s camel beauty pageant have been disqualified because their owners injected their lips with botox. But other than that, it was just a perfectly normal camel beauty pageant.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World]

A Brooklyn man who needed a kidney transplant found one after spending a week at Disney World wearing a shirt with his kidney request which explains why Goofy woke up in a bathtub full of ice.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a shirtless oiled up man at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some Olympic fans are excited after it was announced that Tonga shirtless oiled up flag bearer from the summer games has also qualified for the upcoming winter Olympics, where he’ll be the first guy to do the luge without needing a sled.

[Picture changes to Bacardi and Patrol logos]

Bacardi rum announced that they are merging with Patrol tequila. But I thought Bacardi and Patron had already merged to form Pitbull. [Picture changes to the rapper Pitbull.]