Tag: Family

Family Meeting

Dad… James Austin Johnson

Mom… Mom Nwodim

Sucre… Travis Kelce

Dad: Thanks for making the trip kids.

Chloe: Well, when you said it was an emergency, we flew in right away.

Marcello: Yeah, you’re kind of freaking us out. Are you guys okay?

Mom: Oh, we are better than okay.

Dad: Look, the truth is we had a hard time figuring out how to break the news.

Mom: That’s what the song is for.

Devon: The song?

Dad: I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but don’t worry, the song will explain everything.

[music playing]

[Dad and go hold mics]

Dad: [singing] When I think about love
I’m so grateful for the times we have

Mom: A beautiful house
our wonderful children
1000 memories good and bad

Dad: But we’ve been drifted apart from one another
even though we still love each other
but now she’s given our bed to another
but I’m cool with it and watch…
I watch from the corner

Devon: Wait, mom, you’re cheating on Dad?

Mom: God no. Didn’t you hear the part where he said he’s cool with it?

Dad: Yeah, I believe my exact words were I’m cool with it and I watch. I watch from the corner.

Marcello: So who’s the other man?

Chloe: I don’t know. But I would guess it’s the guy sitting in dad’s chair playing Streets of Rage II.

Sucre: What up?

Marcello: God, I’m so confused right now.

Mom: Oh, well I’m so glad you said that.

Dad: Because the next part of the song will explain everything.

[music playing]

Mom: His name is Sucre and he’s a felon
he explored my whole body like Magellan
he plays Streets of Rage II and then he pleasures me in bed

Dad: And I’m cool with it and I watch…
I watch from the corner

Chloe: I don’t understand why you’re so pumped about watching from the corner.

Devon: Yeah, and I’m sorry. His name is Sucre?

Sucre: Yeah, Sucre Willadauski.

Chloe: Well, what? You’re in a throttle now with a guy named Suecre Willadauski?

Sucre: Damn, you guys are being mad annoying right now. How many times your parents have to say this? The next part of the song will explain everything.

Dad: Thank you, Sucre.

Sucre: And by the way, I’m not happy that I just had to stop just now. You distracting me so badly that a guy with a mohawk just punched me and my health window.

Dad: I think you guys should apologize to Sucre about the mohawk guy.

Devon: No, I’m not apologizing to Sucre. You got to tell us what’s actually happening.

Mom: Well, we’re trying to but you keep interrupting.

Sucre: The next part of the song really tpills things out.

[music playing]

[singing] My name spelled S-U-C-R-E- W-O-L-O-D-R-Ski.

Devon: Yo, spelling of your name was not the part we were confused about.

Sucre: Hey, can I ask you a question?

Dad: Yes, Sucre.

Sucre: How are these three kids yours?

Mom: I was on top for him. [for Devon]

Dad: Yeah. And I was on top for her. [for chloe]

Mom: Then we did it on the side one time and he came out. [for Marcello Hernandez]

Marcello: That’s not how it works.

Chloe: Okay, you guys are adults. You can do what you want. I just want to make sure that you didn’t touch the grandkids college funds.

Dad: Of course, we go over that in this next part.

[music playing]

Mom: The money’s all gone now.

Devon: Wait, you gave all the college money to Sucre?

Dad: Sucre this, Sucre that. What do you think of the guitar solo?

Devon: This a nightmare.

Sucre: Guys, I know this is a lot to take in. But I have some good news. I just be Streets of Rage II. This is the best day of my life.

All: Sucre!

Mom: Also, I’m not 100% sure, but I’m almost positive I’m pregnant.

All: Sucre!

Dad: And watch from the corner.

Weekend Update- Chris Christie’s Niece Attacks Latino Family, France Gives Out Free Condoms

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Chris Christie’s niece was arrested on a Spirit Airlines flight to Newark after she accused the Latino family of smuggling cocaine, then injured multiple officers by biting them and kicking them in the groin. She has been sentenced to life in the New Jersey Hall of Fame.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of R Kelly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new album from R Kelly was removed from streaming sites several hours after being uploaded, “And it was not easy to remove his streams,” said the maid who cleaned his couch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gorilla at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Christmas. The Los Angeles Zoo announced that Evelyn, a 46 year old grill of famous for her red hair has been euthanized. Not because she was sick, but because it’s LA and she was in her 40s. Okay.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Woman leaves 3 buckets of feces for police’]

This’ll get you back. A woman in Texas allegedly dumped three buckets of human waste in front of a police department and drove away. It’s a rare case of erratic behavior from a lady who poops in a bucket. Also, I want to point out that as disturbing as the story is, it’s not as disturbing as imagining the woman’s drive to the police station with full buckets of feces. Because one speed bump turns her car into a Starbucks bathroom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of condom at right top corner.]

Michael Che: France announced that it will start providing free condoms for people between the ages of 18 and 25. Cool, now do deodorant.

Weekend Update Michael Longfellow on Conservative Family Members

Colin Jost

Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Euphoria star Sidney Sweeney received backlash when Instagram photos from a family event suggested her parents might be Trump supporters. Here to comment is one of our new cast members, Michael Longfellow.

[Michael Longfellow slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Longfellow: Hey. Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost:  Hey, Michael. So, what do you think of Sidney Sweeney getting all this backlash for having conservative parents?

Michael Longfellow: Well, my family’s from Arizona. So if you can get in trouble for what your parents think, it’s been a good run.

Colin Jost: They’re conservative.

Michael Longfellow: Well, my dad’s anti COVID vaccine. He doesn’t really believe in the virus. Which is crazy because every anti vaccine article he sends me because my computer Colin Jost0 of them.

Colin Jost: Do you read any of the article?

Michael Longfellow: I try, but there’s so much Simpsons porn on the side.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. That’s tough. You don’t feel the need then to like distance yourself from your dad?

Michael Longfellow: For being anti Vax? No. You shouldn’t cut anti Vax people out of your life. They could be dead tomorrow. Spend time with them. Call them. Getting the will.

Colin Jost: Right. But the Sydney Sweeney thing wasn’t just about the vaccine. It was also her family with Trump supporters. Right?

Michael Longfellow: Well, Colin, I don’t want to shock you. But my dad doesn’t hate that guy.

Colin Jost: Really?

Michael Longfellow: No, he’s not one of those anti Vax Arizona, liberals you’re always waiting by. You got to stand up to your parents. When I found out my dad was voting for Trump, I sat him down and I told him, “Hey, you keep going down this path. I might have to pay for my own car insurance next year.” Then he told me how much it was. And I said, “Well, I didn’t know that when I said that. So, I’m sorry.”

Colin Jost: And what about the rest of your family?

Michael Longfellow: Do you consider step mom’s family?

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think so.

Michael Longfellow: Ah, shoot! Listen, family dynamics are complicated. You get it? I imagine a lot of people in your family are Republican.

Colin Jost: Well, no, no, not really.

Michael Longfellow: oh, just you?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I’m saying I’m more of like Bill Maher liberal.

Michael Longfellow: Right? A Republican. Listen, just to make it super clear, I’m very liberal. I’m not a Republican. I mean, unless I get boarding group A at the airport, then I’ll be one for like four minutes, but that’s it. Usually I’m like anarchy, chaos, burn the system to the ground. But if I’m in boarding group A, I am like “Well, order must prevail. I mean, we have a society after all. Don’t touch me. Get off me.” That’s how rich people say Get off me. They will say like one and a half times. “Get your hands off— I said Get your hands off me!”

Colin Jost: Michael Longfellow, everyone.

Michael Longfellow: Thanks, Colin.

Family Band

Heidi Gardner

Patrick… Mikey day

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

John Mulaney

[Starts with Heidi and Mikey outside a house door]

Heidi: Babe, I’m so excited for you to meet my brothers. You remind me so much of them.

Mikey: I’m a little nervous.

Heidi: No Don’t be. They’re gonna love you. You guys are like identical.

Mikey: Well, if they’re Niners fans like you said, I think we’ll get along just fine.

[Heidi’s brothers open the door. They’re all wearing suits and are ready to play music]

Andrew: Well, well, well.

Kyle: Look what the little mamacita dragged in.

John: Say, Raggedy Ann, who’s the beanpole?

Heidi: Oh, my God! I knew you guys would razz me. This is Patrick. Patrick, these are my brothers.

Mikey: Uh, nice to meet you guys.

Kyle: You can call me Sweet Vermouth. And these stray mutts are the Speakeasy Bandits. Bienvenidos!

Mikey: Okay.

[They walk in]

John:

Come on, come on. Grab a seat. Barrel or barber chair? Dealer’s choice.

Mikey: All right. [to Heidi] These guys remind you of me? Are they, like, in a band or…?

Heidi: Yeah, my brothers have a band, yes.

Andrew: And, uh, we sure could use our standup bassist back.

Heidi: Oh, come on. You guys know I had to give that up because of my job. Unless, of course, you guys are making money from this now. Are you guys making money?

Andrew: Nope. A three, four. . .

[They start playing]

Kyle: [singing] Walking down the alley,
About a quarter past ten

John: Tell ’em, Sweet Vermouth.

Kyle: Got a dime on my side
and a big old bottle of gin

Heidi: Oh, my God, it’s “Gin Alley”!

All: Gin Alley, Whoa, daddio, Gin Alley
Whoa, daddio

Andrew: And a big ol’ bottle of gin

Kyle: All right.

Heidi: Whoo! Yes! Yeah, you guys sound so great! Have you been smoking more cigarettes?

Kyle: Bull’s eye, pussycat.

John: With a side of Cubanos.

Mikey: So, again, what’s the similarity you’re seeing between us?

Heidi: Wait. Are you jealous of how masculine they are? Oh, my God, this always happens to me.

Mikey: No, I’m not.  They’re all wearing giant, oversized suits. I don’t even know what style that is.

Kyle: Slow your roll, Rover. Not much of a music guy, I take it? We’re a swing revival revival band.

Mikey: Swing revival revival?

Andrew: That’s right, Rover.

Heidi: Yeah, babe, remember in the 90s when everyone was into swing?

Andrew: Yeah, Rover. We’re trying to bring that back.

John: Like, make a little picture of this. The year is 1999. Slim Shady just told the world what his name is. Carson Daly is the new Walter Cronkite. And thanks to the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and one Gap commercial, swing is king.

Kyle: Ay, yi, yi, yi, yiii, three, four!

[starts playing]

Andrew: Well, the devil was walkin’
He checked into a motel

Heidi: Oh, my God! It’s “Devil Daddy”!

Andrew: He got the roadster rolling
Gonna take that straight to hell

Heidi: Babe, let’s dance.

Mikey: Okay.

All: Devil Daddy
Whoa, daddio, Devil Daddy
Whoa, daddio

Mikey: Don’t kiss me to your brothers’ music, baby!

John: And a big old bottle of gin

Andrew: All right.

Heidi: Whoo! Yeah!I love you, my brothers.

Kyle: Oh, hey, you are too kind, pussycat!

Mikey: Can you please stop calling your sister “pussycat”?! Babe, you said we had so much in common and that they were Niners fans.

Heidi: Yeah, 1999’ers.

Mikey: There is no way you thought that’s what I meant.

Heidi: Well, you’re always saying how you’re such a 90’s kid.

Mikey: Yeah, I meant, like, “Rugrats” and stuff. I do not associate this with the 90’s.

Heidi: Okay. Well, I’m starting to feel like our relationship is a lie.

Mikey: What are you talking about?

John: [walks to Heidi] Did he hit you?

Mikey: Oh, my God.

Heidi: No, no, it’s not that. It’s just…  we’re too different. You come from a 90’s where everyone wore neon and watched “Friends,” and I come from a 90’s where my brothers are the coolest, hottest guys I know. And that’s who I am. This is who I am. Three, four!

[they start playing music]

When the jukebox plays
And the boogie begins

Kyle: Oh, spice it up, pussycat!

Heidi: We gotta boogieoogieoogie, a
nd a big old bottle of gin

All: Boogieoogieoogie
Whoa, daddio, boogieoogie
Whoa, daddio

Mikey: And a big ol’ bottle of gin

John: Nice pipes, toothpick.

Mikey: Yeah, I, used to be in a ska band.

Andrew: Boo!

Kyle: That sucks!

Heidi: Don’t tell people that.

John: Do you hit her?

Mikey: Dude, no, I don’t.

Family Feud- Harvey Family Thanksgiving

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Janelle… Leslie Jones

Mike… Chris Redd

Andre… Michael Che

Ricky Harvey

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Peter… Beck Bennett

Justin… Mikey Day

Cecil… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud, thanks giving edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Okay, now, welcome to a special thanksgiving edition of Family Feud. Now, some folks like white meat. Some folks like dark meat. Let me tell you a secret. Everybody like dark meat. Now, thanksgiving is all about family. So, I got two special ones here today. First, it’s my own. It’s the Harvey family.

[Cut to the Harvey family]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. These people are not only related to me, but they also work in Steve Harvey organization. First, we got my wife, Janelle who handles all my appearances. What else I got to do today, darling?

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Well, after this, you got your daytime show. Then you got your radio show. Then you got your book signing at Red Lobster.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Yeah. You like it when I’m busy. Big daddy getting that money. Ha-ha. Next, we’ve got my brother, Mike, who designs all my suits.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up, Steve? I came up with a new suit color yesterday. It is palorange.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That’s gonna be a number one best seller. Plorange. Ha-ha-ha. I like that. Plorange. Next, we got my nephew Andre who writes jokes for me.

[Cut to Andre]

Andre: That’s right. I came up with the bit on ‘Little Big Shots’ where when a child says something you stare at him for 20 seconds like he’s a ghost.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you mean like this? [Steve Harvey looks at camera] Yeah, I love that bit, man. And finally, we got my cousin Ricky who runs my personal line of mustache conditioning products.

[Cut to Ricky Harvey]

Ricky Harvey: That’s right. It’s called the Greasy Caterpillar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huge seller, man. Make you mustache dark and shiny like a slippery little penguin. And on the other side, we have got the Diedrichson family. [Cut to Diedrichson family. They are white] Now, we not blood related but these folks are like family to me. Carol Diedrichson has been on of my closest friends for over 30 years.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol: Yeah, that’s true. And I brought my wonderful family. You remember my husband Peter?

[cut to Peter]

Peter: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, good to see you, Peter.

Carol: My son, Justin.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin: Hey, Steve.

[cut to Carol]

Carol: And my other son, Cecil.

[Cut to Cecil. He is black. he has mustache like Steve Harvey, he looks like Steve Harvey and he speaks like Steve Harvey.]

Cecil: How you doing, player? [he speaks like Steve Harvey]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, hey there, Cecil. Wow. You sure have grown up since I last saw you.

[Cut to Cecil]

Cecil: Yeah, it has been a minute.

[Cut to Carol looking at Steve Harvey and Cecil]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hm, there’s something about you.

[Cut to Janelle looking furious at Steve Harvey]

Janelle: Yeah, I say so.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just start the game? Give me two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Janelle and Carol walk to the stage. Carol tries to shake her hand with Janelle but Janelle rejects.]

Janelle: No, thank you.

Steve Harvey: What? I thought you all was friends. Women are strange. Okay, 100 people surveyed. Top four answers on the board. Name something that you’re thankful for.

[Carol presses the button]

Carol: My home.

Steve Harvey: Oh, good answer. Good answer. You like your home, huh?

Carol: Oh, yes. We love it in Tempe.

Steve Harvey: Tempe, Arizona? Oh, I love Tempe. I spent some time on tour there about 17, 18 years ago.

Carol: Oh, I remember. It was raining.

Steve Harvey: Huh! Anyway, show me a place to do the nasty!

[right answer bell]

Ay! Number one answer. Alright, do y’all want to pass or play?

Carol: Well, I’m glad to play with you, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, you were always like that.

Carol: Yeah.

[Steve Harvey peeks at Janelle. She is looking at him furiously.]

Alright, come on Diedrichson family. Something that you are thankful for. Peter? [Steve Harvey walks to Dierdrichson family]

Peter: Well, I hope this isn’t selfish, Steve, but I’m thankful for money. Not for me, but to provide for my family. Like, equipment for Justin’s street hockey team. Or buying pocket squares and super shiny shoes for Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you like shiny shoes, huh?

Cecil: Yeah. The shinier the better.

Steve Harvey: I hear you, man. I love me some gators. Show me, getting that money. [right answer bell] Alright, it’s up there. Okay, we got two left. Justin, something that you’re thankful for.

Justin: Oh, um, I gotta say my health. I’m the fastest one on my cross country team. But I’m not strong like Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, he is strong, ain’t he? He must have good genes.

Justin: Oh, yeah. Cecil’s always been big.He’s had a full mustache since age 11.

Cecil: And, I was the sexiest boy in the 6th grade.

Steve Harvey: Well, you and I are very similar. Show me, big and manly at an early age. [right answer bell] Oh, yes.

[Justin and Cecil do high-five]

Cecil: Half brother. All in.

Steve Harvey: Wait, wait. Hold up? Half brother? I thought you wasadopted.

Cecil: Oh, no, Steve. Mama had me before she got married 17 years ago.

Steve Harvey: 17 years? Okay. Now, I’m doing a math. That’s–

Steve Harvey and Cecil: Kind of freaky.

[Steve Harvey and Cecil look at each other awkwardly]

Steve Harvey: Oh my lord, help me. [sad music playing] [Steve Harvey walks to Carol] I did a bad thing. I did bad. I thought I was out. I thought I was all the way out.

Carol: No, Steve, there’s nothing you need to do, okay?

Peter: And what are we talking about?

Carol: Steve, Steve, look at me. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Steve Harvey: But, is he smart os is he like– [pointing at himself]

Carol: He’s so smart, Steve. So, smart. Go over. Say hi.

[Steve Harvey walks to Cecil]

Steve Harvey: Hey, there, little fellow. Do you mind if I play the feud with you? Tell me what you’r thankful for.

Cecil: Well, player, I’m thankful for family in whatever form it takes.

Steve Harvey: You damn right. Show me family. [right answer bell] Ay! There it is. The Diedrichson family win. Next up, we going to play the lightning round but I feel like I should just give them the money. We’ll be right back.

Janelle: Hold up. This ain’t no happy ending.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, we got a lot of stuff to talk about. We do.

Family Feud Extended Family

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jackie Williams… Leslie Jones

Martin Williams… Jay Pharoah

Layla Williams… Sasheer Zamata

Raymond Williams… Michael Che

Darrel Williams-Magill… Tracy Morgan

Maria Williams-Magill… Cecily Strong

Rachael Magill… Venessa Bayer

Blake Magill… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Family Feud. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now, welcome to Family Feud. Y’all like this suit? I got the tie from Shaq’s fist tie knot, knot as thick as Shaq’s fist. Okay, let’s meet our two families. [Cut to the Williams] Over here, we got the Williams family. How you doing, darling?

Jackie: I’m good, Steve. I’m Jackie and these are my three kids, Martin, Layla and Raymond.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, your husband didn’t want to play?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Well, I’ve been divorced for about six months but we’re doing alright.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, so you fresh on a scene. Okay. And over here, we got the Williams-Magill family. [cut to the Williams-Magill family] How are you doing today player?

Darrel: How you dong, Steve? I’m Darrel, and this is my beautiful wife Maria. My two step kids, Rachael and Blake.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you look lovely today darling. [Cut to Darrel and Maria] How long have you been married?

Maria: About six months.

[Cut to Steve Harvey. He is suspicious.]

Steve Harvey: Hold up. Williams. Williams-Magill.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Yes! Darrel is my ex-husband and these are his kids.

[Cut to everybody]

Steve Harvey: So, you left her and then you married her. And now you’re both here together. Oh, damn!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Darrel: The heart wants what it wants, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That ain’t the heart, player!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Maria: It’s okay coz we are all working through this and doing our best.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: [laughing] I love this. [Cut to Darrel, Maria and Rachael] So, how you liking your new daddy?

Rachael: He’s cool, I guess. It might be nice if he put some clothes on when he cooks breakfast.

Darrel: And get baking grease on my new t-shirts? Uh-uh! I do a baby boy style.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, it’s only getting better. Oh, get me two people. Let’s play the feud. Come on!

[Jackie and Darrel walk forward]

[Steve Harvey look at Jackie and Darrel’s faces]

Y’all okay?

Jackie: I told you, we are working through it.

Steve Harvey: Alright then. 100 people survey, top five answers on the board. Name something that people frequently forget.

[Jackie hits the buzzer]

Jackie: Their family.

Steve Harvey: Oh, right out the jump. Right out the jump. She’s going to jump right in with that one. Okay, I don’t know if that’s right, but I know it’s real. Show me, forget the kids.

[Cut to the answer screen. There is ‘family obligations’.]

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Okay, okay. There’s a lot of dead beats out there. Darrel, you got a better answer? Something that people forget?

Darrel: How about your password?

[Cut to Williams-Magill clapping]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: That’s a good answer. That’s a good answer. Show me ‘password’.

[Cut to the answer screen.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Oh, sorry player. Looks like we surveyed 100 divorced women. Okay, Williams family, you up.

[Steve Harvey walk to the Williams]

Martin, name something that people frequently forget.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: To come to your residal coz they say they have to work.

[Cut to Darrel looking hurt]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Um, I’m sorry. That’s not an answer.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Exactly! That’s what I thought too.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: I love you Martin. But no man should be forced to watch his son play the clavenet.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Wound is still fresh. Oh! Show me somebody ain’t show up somewhere.

[Cut to the answer screen]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, well, Layla. Something that people forget.

Layla: I know something. Your morality.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: How you talking about morals when you out there stripping every night?

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: I got to make money.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: It’s not even a real strip-club. It’s a car-wash with a room in the back.

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: That’s what happens when your daddy abandons you for a cruise ship director. You ain’t around! You weren’t around us.

Steve Harvey: Wait! Folks, let’s just remember hurt can go a long way. Show me keep em off the pole.

[Cut to answer screen]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

I’m sorry. Let’s go over to Raymond.

[Raymond is not there]

Wait! Hold up, where did he go?

[Cut to the Williams-Magill. Raymond is standing behind them.]

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Raymond, what are you doing?

[Cut to Raymond and the Williams-Magill]

Raymond: Look mom, I’m sorry. But these people are happy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Well, you can’t fault a man for wanting some happiness. We back to Jackie, something that people forget.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You know what, Steve? I’m gonna give a real answer. Because I’m not gonna let them win. Okay, something you forget is… commitment!

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: Oh! Here we go.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You took a vow, Darrel, of love, at the Fort-Queens hotel and casino in Las Vegas. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

[Cut to the answer screen]

[wrong buzzer]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

[yelling] I loved you Darrel. I had your kids.

[wrong buzzer]

Steve Harvey: That means stop. That’s what that means. It’s over. I’m sorry, that is not up there. Looks like the Williams-Magill family has a chance to steal.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: [yelling] He has stolen enough from me, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I guess I walked right into that one.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Okay, give me some good ides. Williams-Magill, come on!

Maria: Your keys.

Rachael: Your phone.

Blake: Your ID.

Raymond: To follow your heart, daddy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Darrel]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Darrel, something that people forget.

Darrel: Look, man! I’m a man. Sometimes men make mistakes. Like I did in my previous marriage. We were young, horny, and I liked it raw. I’m old school.

Steve Harvey: Hey, Darrel, I hear you player. Loud and clear. Show me, ‘I forgot to pull out’.

[Cut to answer screen]

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Williams-Magill wins again. You know what? I’ll just write this family a check for everything in my bank account right now. We’ll be right back.

[The End]